coping with grief
Managing emotions

Coping with Grief during the Holidays

Written by Connor McClenahan

You may be dreading the holidays this year, or just not as excited as usual. This is a normal response if you have lost a loved one or something important to you, whether it was this year or years ago. Anniversaries and holidays bring up memories and feelings that can be painful and hard to cope with. 

What to Expect from Grief 

Grief is a deeply individual experience based on your relationship with what or who you lost.  Grief looks different for everyone and is never easy or predictable. There is no timeline for grief or a time when you are “supposed” to be done grieving. Though there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are some things that you can do to help in the healing process. 

5 Ways to Cope with Grief 

1) Recognize How Grief Impacts Other Emotions

When we are grieving, our emotions may be unpredictable. We may feel more sad, angry, fearful, or numb than usual. Things that usually do not bother us may feel like a big deal or cause more pain than usual. Acknowledging that our emotions are being triggered by grief and accepting that we are hurting is the first step in more effectively coping with grief. 

2) Get Support

Find support from people who care about you. It can be easy to isolate while you are grieving but is better to let others share the grief with you and be there for you. Talk about your loss if you need to or just enjoy spending time together. If you don’t have anyone who will be able to support you, consider joining a support group. 

3) Take Care of Yourself

Grief can take an emotional and physical toll. You may feel more exhausted, get a cold more easily or have difficulty sleeping. Allow yourself the time to do what you need to do to be ok, whether that is resting, journaling, faith practices or being physically active. Keep up regular routines as much as possible while also recognizing that simple things may be harder for a while. 

4) Honor their memory 

An important part of healing from grief is being able to identify new ways to relate to and remember the person you have lost. Honoring their memory may help you feel connected with them and able to integrate who they were into your life now. There are a lot of creative things you can do to honor their memory. 

Here are a few ideas: 

  • Create a journal or scrap book of memories
  • Start a tradition that brings family members together 
  • Do an activity that they loved (cooking, listen to their favorite music, decorating etc.) 
  • Do an art project that reminds you of them 
  • Donate to a charity or cause that they cared about 

5) Meet with a therapist 

Though grief is an expected and natural experience, sometimes the additional support from a therapist is needed. If you are having a hard time functioning and completing daily tasks, are feeling hopeless and not sure if life is worth living, or feel like there is no one you can trust after your loss, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist. 

Experience Joy Again

The pain of grief may feel overwhelming and endless. But getting the support you need and following these steps can help you find healing and hope. It is important to recognize the significance of the loss but also be able to live with joy and purpose again. Don’t suffer alone! Call us today if you need support from experienced therapists. 

Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.

LEARN ABOUT MELISSA

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COVID, Parenting

Want to Calm the Chaos at Home? It starts with 3 things you can do with your child today.

Written by Connor McClenahan

Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face. 

Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child

Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways: 

  • Increases their sense of safety and security
  • Reduces anxiety and stress 
  • Helps you feel more confident in your parenting 
  • Increases self-esteem 
  • Reduces conflict 
  • Helps kids accept limits and disciple

How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child 

Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!

Here are three things that you can start doing today: 

Start One-on-One Time 

I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship. 

Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them. 

Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time: 

  • 5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing 
  • Read a bedtime story
  • Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed 
  • Drawing or coloring with your child 

Schedule Family Time 

Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.  

Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better. 

Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family: 

  • Family game night 
  • Movie night
  • Trip to the park
  • Bike ride/walk
  • Family Dinner 
  • Pancake breakfast on Saturday
  • Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family  

Increase Labeled Praise 

Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well. 

To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small. 

Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child

Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship. 

Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

 

Download Free Worksheet
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Setting a Centering Affirmation: How 1 Minute in the Morning Can Set You up for Success All Day.

Written by Here Counseling

Stress is everywhere these days. 

  • You’re trying to stay afloat economically. 
  • You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones. 
  • Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort. 

This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.

What’s happening in your brain and body?

Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking. 

Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.

  • Muscle tension.
  • Gastrointestinal issues.
  • Fatigue.
  • Insomnia.
  • Weight gain.
  • Extreme weight loss.

None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life. 

What can you do about it?

Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement. 

  • I’m unloved. 
  • I’m a failure. 
  • I’m not safe.

You get the point.

So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself. 

NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.

  • I am loved.
  • I’m important. 
  • I do the best I can.

Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today. 

LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.

Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?

These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice. 

Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.

Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day. 

Taking the next step

Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns. 

Be free to live again.

Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore. 

Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future.

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ADHD Therapy - woman in chair with therapist
Parenting, Testing and Assessment

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation: Helping You Prepare for Adoption

Written by Connor McClenahan

Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first.  And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.

Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.

Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt? 

The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.

The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful. 

The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation 

Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs. 

Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI.  The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed. 

This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after. 

We offer pre-adoption psychological evaluation services in California. You can book a free call today to see if we’re the right people to help you.

Schedule a Free Consultation Call
Pre-Adoption Evaluation StageKey Details
1. Free Consultation CallDetermines fit for your needs, establishes expectations and scheduling.
2. Clinical InterviewConducted jointly and individually with parents to gather context, personal story, and needs for accurate test interpretation and tailored recommendations.
3. Psychological AssessmentInvolves tests like the MMPI (true/false questionnaire) or others to detect mental health issues; answer honestly without preparation or overthinking.
4. Follow-Up FeedbackSchedule a session to review results, discuss concerns, provide recommendations, and answer questions for proactive issue resolution.

Results Help Your Adoption Succeed 

After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements. 

After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results. 

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support  

At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience. 

Learn more about our assessment services.

therapy for anxiety

Here Counseling in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We provide pre-adoption psychological evaluations to help families efficiently meet adoption requirements.

Schedule your Pre-Adoption Consultation Call

 

FAQ about Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluations

Why do I need a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?

The evaluation ensures that adoptive parents are prepared to provide a warm, nurturing home for the child. It screens for any mental health concerns to prevent potential neglect or abuse and helps catch issues early, providing necessary support for successful parenting.

What does the pre-adoption evaluation process involve?

The process typically includes a clinical interview (conducted both together and separately with the parents) and one or more psychological tests, such as the MMPI. The interview provides context for interpreting test results, leading to tailored recommendations.

What psychological tests are used in the evaluation?

Common tests include the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), a true/false questionnaire designed to identify mental health concerns. Other tests may be used in addition or instead, depending on the psychologist’s approach.

How should I prepare for the psychological tests?

You can’t study or prepare for these tests, as they focus on your preferences and experiences. The best approach is to answer honestly and accurately without overanalyzing the questions, as trying to “figure them out” can lead to unnecessary anxiety and inaccurate results.

What happens after the evaluation is completed?

The psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country you’re adopting from. You’ll have a follow-up appointment to review the results, discuss any concerns, and receive recommendations. They may also coordinate with your adoption agency with your permission.

How can the evaluation support my adoption journey?

The evaluation aims to make the process stress-free by providing proactive recommendations to address current needs and anticipate challenges. This helps ensure a smoother transition when welcoming a new child into your home.

Where can I get a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?

Services are available in California through our practice. You can book a free consultation call to determine if we’re the right fit. Learn more about our assessment services or schedule a free consultation.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

Spending too much time on social media? Instead of a detox, try this

Written by Rose So

Sometimes your phone can feel needy. It demands your attention and pulls you away from time you wish you could enjoy. You find yourself constantly opening your apps, scrolling mindlessly through your feeds. It might be hard to notice how much time has passed!

You wish you could have a different relationship with social media.

Why social media captures our attention

Everyone around you is always on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc. and constantly posting about their lives. It’s how you stay in the know. Watching people’s stories and looking at their posts keeps you feeling like you’re in the loop.

Social media hijacks our entire outer shell of our brains, called the cortex. The main purpose of our cortex is to pay attention to our place in social networks to stay safe. Social media piggy backs on our survival instinct to stay connected and aware of our social situation.

It has been estimated that seven in ten Americans use social media as a way to connect with others, stay informed with news content, and entertain themselves. A recent study found that social media users spend an average of 2 hours and 24 minutes per day on an average of 8 social media and messaging apps. 

It makes sense – we’re really looking for safety in a social group.

What’s the problem with using social media?

Even though social media gives you a glimpse into the lives of your friends, family, and even strangers, it’s not a real, meaningful way of connecting with those individuals.

You often are not actually connecting with those individuals and engaging in thoughtful conversation that creates the basis of deep friendships. Instead, the mindless scrolling through social media, that so many of us are familiar with, can contribute to feelings of insecurity or loneliness.

It doesn’t have enough “bandwidth” to help us ever feel secure and connected.

So what can be done?

Tip #1: Take time off social media. Like a vacation! Delete your apps, or deactivate your apps. Do something that will help you separate yourself from the apps and minimize your chance of sneaking peaks in moments of weakness. 

Tip #2: Be specific. Set a day and time you will be away from social media. Give yourself a time frame for how long you will be off your apps for. This could be 1 day, 1 week, even a month or longer! But choose a time frame and hold yourself to that time frame.

Tip #3: Fill that empty time with something social. Our minds are used to spending time scrolling through social media. So simply abstaining from the apps may swing us back into dependence later on.

Identify something socially meaningful that you can engage in to fill up some of that empty time. Picnics at a park have been a great way to connect with others during this time! When you feel the urge to check social media, call a friend instead and feed your brain’s desire to connect and feel safe.

Or perhaps you’re needing some solitude. Identify what is recharging for you and spend time doing that activity. For some, that may be hiking. For others, that may be reading a book. Identify 1-2 things you’ve missed doing, whether its with others or in solitude, and replace the time you’d be on social media with those activities.

You can start creating a healthy relationship with social media today

While changing your relationship with social media might initially be difficult, it can also give you the space you need to reflect on how social media is affecting you, to understand just how unfulfilled you might be with it, and to identify other healthy, recharging activities you can engage in. These meaningful activities may allow you to actually engage and connect with others, rather than simply see their lives through the lens of social media.

So if social media is impacting you in negative ways, start today. Recharge yourself, recenter yourself, and reconnect to others.

Setting Social Media Boundaries Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive, especially during this time of increased fear, boredom, and lack of motivation.

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COVID, Parenting

So your child is acting out at home: Why that’s normal and what you can do today

Written by Connor McClenahan

Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:

  • Crying more easily
  • Difficulty calming down
  • Talking back
  • Blowing up at something small

While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.

Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?

  • School from home 
  • More time with siblings
  • Different day care routine 
  • Changes in soccer practice 
  • Not able to see friends from school

Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors. 

1. Increase one-on-one time with your child

Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.

If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.

Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule. 

2. Prioritize expectations 

The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.

Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:

  • Get ready for school on time
  • Pay attention to class online 
  • Complete assignments 
  • Brush teeth
  • Not fighting with sister 
  • Etc. 

What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now. 

Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.

Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything. 

3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out 

Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.

Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked.  Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV. 

Remember that consequences work best if

  1. Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
  2. If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!

The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in. 

For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation! 

You Got This! 

Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.

This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills! 

Learn about our Therapists

 

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Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions

EMDR Tapping at Home: How to Do Self-Administered EMDR Tapping for Stress Relief and Relationships

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or the people in your life? EMDR tapping is a simple technique you can do at home to calm your nervous system and feel more emotionally grounded. Whether it’s a parent with different views, a frustrating coworker, or a partner’s quirky habits, EMDR tapping can help you create new connections in your brain for greater emotional peace.

It’s easy to get stressed out by the people around us. That’s where EMDR tapping comes in—a simple technique you can do at home to reduce stress and manage negative emotions. EMDR tapping, also known as self-administered EMDR or tapping EMDR, can be done easily at home to manage triggers from relationships. Whether it’s a parent with different views, a frustrating coworker, or a partner’s quirky habits, EMDR tapping helps you create new connections in your brain for better emotional peace.

  • You have a parent with a different political or religious perspective than you.
  • Your coworker consistently finds ways to push your buttons.
  • Your partner can’t seem to understand how to squeeze the toothpaste correctly.

Whatever it is, you’re a living, breathing unique individual in a world full of living, breathing unique individuals, and all of that interaction is hard. That’s where EMDR tapping comes in: a way to create new connections in your brain to help you navigate emotions well.

See Our Therapists

What is EMDR Tapping? Understanding Bilateral Stimulation and Tapping EMDR Techniques

The negative experiences in your past create a code in your brain, coaxing you to feel stressed, depressed, or angry in response to certain triggers. EMDR tapping is a therapeutic process that helps you re-access these memories to change the code, helping you discover the peace you long for. This is achieved through stimulating the left and right sides of the brain rhythmically, something you can do with simple actions like tapping your knees in an alternating pattern.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) mimics REM sleep’s left-right eye movements through tapping, helping reprocess memories. Studies show it reduces PTSD symptoms effectively.

Memories are likely stored in the brain during left-right eye movements that occur while we sleep, and EMDR appears to mimic this process in order to heal the effects of negative memories, whether we are conscious of those memories or not.

Remember that situation that was stressing you out? You can practice the bilateral stimulation from EMDR at home to turn down the negative volume of this trigger in your life.

Benefits of EMDR Tapping at Home for Trauma and Relationships

EMDR tapping at home offers several advantages for managing everyday stress and deeper emotional issues:

  • Reduces anxiety quickly by reprocessing negative triggers.
  • Builds positive neural pathways for healthier responses to relationships.
  • Provides a self-empowering tool for mild trauma symptoms without needing immediate professional help.
  • Improves emotional regulation, helping you stay calm during conflicts.
  • Supports overall mental well-being, similar to how full EMDR therapy aids in trauma recovery.

How to Do EMDR Tapping at Home: Step-by-Step Guide for Self-Tapping

Step 1: Imagine your distress.

Who’s that person you want to get along with better? What’s the emotion you feel when you bring their face to mind? Try to really feel it. Make their face vivid in your mind until the pain becomes present. Now take a distress measurement, where 0 is no distress and 10 is the most distress you can possibly imagine. Write this down.

Step 2: Find your mental safe place.

Close your eyes and wander. Perhaps you’re walking along the ocean. Maybe you’ve found a hidden temple in the forest. As we distract your fight, flight, or freeze response with this safe place, choose a positive intention that combats the negative emotion in the previous step. Perhaps it’s “I’m worth it,” “I’m a hard worker,” or “I am loved.”

Step 3: Tap your knees.

Begin tapping your knees, alternating between left and right. Keep this slow, about 1 tap per second, keeping in mind both your safe place and your positive intention. Stay in this moment, relaxing if you can, for the next 5 minutes. Now take a deep breath, take another distress score from 0-10, and stand in power knowing you’ve taken a small step towards bettering the relationships in your life.

For EMDR self tapping, try the butterfly hug if knee tapping feels awkward—cross your arms and alternate taps on your shoulders.

Person demonstrating EMDR tapping points on knees

EMDR Tapping Points: Where and How to Tap for Effective Results

EMDR tapping points focus on bilateral alternation rather than specific meridians, unlike EFT. Common EMDR bilateral spots include knees or thighs for easy access, the butterfly hug (crossing arms and tapping shoulders), or hand taps on alternating sides. Tap at 1 per second for calming or faster for processing. Unlike EFT, which taps on acupoints like the forehead or under the eye, EMDR tapping points are chosen for their ability to create rhythmic stimulation across the body’s sides.

[Image: Illustration of EMDR tapping points including butterfly hug with alt text “Step-by-step guide to EMDR tapping points at home”]

Quick Guide to EMDR Tapping at Home:

  • Tap your knees alternately for 5 minutes while focusing on your safe place and intention, then re-rate your distress.
  • Identify a stressful situation or person and rate your distress (0-10).
  • Visualize a safe, calming place and choose a positive intention (e.g., “I am loved”).

EMDR Therapy vs. At-Home Tapping: When to Seek Professional Help

Perhaps you wonder if you should take the next step into therapy. Are you stuck in the same thought patterns and nothing seems to help? Maybe you’ve spoken with a friend and don’t feel much better. Maybe you took a day to pamper yourself but find you’re still depressed. Or maybe you feel engulfed by the same relational patterns that seem to get you nowhere.

While EMDR tapping at home is great for mild stress, full EMDR therapy with a professional is recommended for deep trauma. It could be time to look into EMDR therapy. I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future. Click on my information below for more information. For more on certified EMDR practices, visit emdria.org.

EMDR Therapy makes a difference where it matters most

You long for peace in your relationships. You hope to be less fazed when your parent doesn’t understand. You want to focus on yourself and your efficiency when your coworker says something ridiculous. Remember these three steps. Take them with you on your bathroom break. Use them in bed to help you sleep after a difficult argument. See how empowering changing the code of your brain can be.

When NOT to Use EMDR Tapping Alone 

While self-administered EMDR tapping can be helpful, there are times when it’s best avoided without the support of a professional:

  • You’re dealing with intense trauma or PTSD
  • You experience flashbacks or panic attacks
  • You feel emotionally “numb” or dissociated
  • Your emotional response becomes too intense to handle

In these cases, self-administered tapping could stir up unresolved pain without a way to fully process it. This is when the support of a licensed EMDR therapist is essential.

Recover from past trauma through EMDR Therapy

In therapy we partner together to help you achieve your goals. We start by identifying the core issue you’d like to work on. Then we approach the issue using EMDR techniques, helping to resolve the traumatic experience. I’m confident that the issue you’re facing can be overcome. Take the first step by clicking below and learning more about our therapists who practice EMDR:

See our EMDR Therapists
See Our Therapists Near You

FAQ: Common Questions About EMDR Tapping

What is EMDR tapping?

EMDR tapping is a technique using bilateral stimulation to reprocess negative memories and reduce stress, mimicking REM sleep processes.

How to do EMDR tapping points?

Focus on alternating taps on knees, shoulders (via butterfly hug), or hands. Tap rhythmically at about 1 per second while holding a safe place in mind.

Can I do EMDR at home safely?

Yes, for mild issues like daily stress, but for severe trauma, consult a professional to avoid re-traumatization.

What’s the difference between tapping EMDR and EFT?

EFT involves tapping on specific meridian acupoints with affirmations, while EMDR uses bilateral taps to stimulate brain sides for memory reprocessing.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Written by Here Counseling
  1. Setting healthy boundaries is always worthwhile, but as quarantine set in, this may have begun to feel like an impossible goal.

  2. You are not alone.

    1. As many of us find ourselves spending all our time in confined spaces with loved ones, recognizing and respecting one’s physical and emotional limitations is a challenge. Lots of people are finding themselves needing to adjust their boundaries, or struggling to maintain any boundaries at all.

  3. What people tend to get wrong:

    1. When people attempt to set new boundaries, there are some pitfalls they frequently find themselves falling into. Sometimes, people can feel that the very concept of boundary-setting is so nebulous. It can be confusing to discern where to start. This frustration can cause them to procrastinate, or decide to avoid the process altogether. 
    3. Other times, people can rush into the process, trying to figure out exactly what they are hoping to gain from setting boundaries while discussing their desire to set boundaries with their loved one. This can cause them to become verbose, defensive, or even apologetic as they attempt to establish healthy boundaries, thereby potentially sabotaging the message they are trying to convey.

  1. Here’s how to get it right:

    1. Instead of feeling that this is an ambiguous, confusing process, the key to successfully setting healthy boundaries is clarity. Here, I will lay out five clear steps to help you achieve your boundary goals as seamlessly as possible. 
      1. 1. Clearly identify your boundaries
        1. This includes understanding why you need those boundaries and why you are putting them in place now.
      2. 2. Be straight forward in your communication of these boundaries
        1. This means resisting the temptation to apologize or to ramble with numerous explanations about why you need to set a certain boundary. 
        2. Try to also attend to your tone: try to maintain a calm tone, rather than sounding antagonistic or defensive.
        1. Remember to make this about you, rather than making it personal towards the person with whom you’re setting boundaries.
      3. 3. Begin by establishing not only clear, but tight boundaries
        1. As time goes on, you can always loosen them if you feel comfortable doing so.
      4. 4. Check in with yourself regularly
        1. Place trust in your own intuition, and if you feel like you’re experiencing a boundary violation, address it as soon as possible rather than waiting until it becomes a pattern.
      5. 5. Finally, establish and regularly utilize a support system
        1. Talking to people you trust, whether this includes your therapist, friends, or close family members, is a great way to stay strong in maintaining your boundaries.

  2. Why do boundaries matter?

    • It might sound like a lot to take those five steps. However, following them can vastly change your life for the better. Here are a few ways you may notice your life improve after you implement boundaries with your loved ones:
      • 1. Healthy boundary setting can help you feel respected, by both yourself and others. 
      • 2. This can help decrease the amount of conflict you experience in relationship with others – something particularly important as conflict levels rise during the ongoing stress of a pandemic.
      • 3. Finally, this can also help you enhance your assertiveness to ensure your needs are met, while improving your self-esteem, productive communication, and sense of feeling respected by others.

In summary, remember to be clear and straight forward as you establish tight boundaries, check in with yourself regularly, and utilize your support system.

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Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder playing with father
Managing emotions, Parenting

Calming Your Child’s Fear about the Fires

Written by Connor McClenahan

With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again. 

Why Do Children Fear Fire?

A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).

How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?

1. Listen for Specific Fears

The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.

You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.

2. Talk through Big Feelings

Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.

For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.

3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire

Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.

For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire. 

Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe.  Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.

4. Reduce Exposure to the News

The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.

As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!

Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire

Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.

When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless

Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.

Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)

Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:

  • Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.”
    Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
  • Mistake: Sharing too many details.
    Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
  • Mistake: Letting news play constantly.
    Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.

FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children

Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:

  • What are signs my child is afraid of fire?
    Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
  • How can I teach fire safety without scaring them?
    Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
  • When should I get professional help?
    If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.

Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire

For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:

Our Pasadena Therapists
Psychological Assessment

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COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

  • “Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
  • “Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
  • “Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan
Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

LEARN ABOUT MANDI

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