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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Difficulty Trusting Others? Here’s how you can feel safe again

Written by Here Counseling

Once, exhausted after a long day, I let my body droop from the edge of my couch to lay next to my dog on the floor. Hoping I could live the comfortable life that my dog does without a worry in the world, I stared into my dog’s innocent eyes and sought comfort – the comfort of her gentle, furry touch, her warmth and a beating heart, her loyal love, and encouragement to get up another day to take care of her. In our silent exchange of emotions, as I lay quietly wiping my tears, I was in disbelief. Though my feelings may have been precipitated by my rough day and already heightened emotions, they were indisputable: I was finally feeling what it feels like to trust another being.

Trust is a funny thing. Trust may build quickly or slowly, but it often catches me off guard with its presence. And when trust is broken, the feeling of betrayal has so many facets and phases – anger, sadness, feeling lost, unsafe and unloved. 

Is it even possible to figure out what it means to trust?

Is it possible to manage my emotions after betrayal, and by learning to cope, make the whole painful process worthwhile?

How did I, on this random night, experience a whole new level of trust with my dog I adopted a year ago of all living creatures on this earth, including the ones that gave birth to me and raised me?

Trust is learned in our earliest relationships, but no parent in this world is perfect. 

I would go as far as to say that to be a responsible parent, you must not be 100% attentive to your child’s needs all the time. Children need to be encouraged to do things on their own without the help of their parents. Children need to learn to be self-sufficient and to self-soothe at times because parents can’t realistically be there for the child to save them every time they desire assistance. 

Some parents, however, with or without faults of their own, are busier, less affectionate physically or verbally, or have their own mental health issues ranging from depression to maladaptive communication skills to intergenerational trauma that may get in the way of being present and caring for their child. And unfortunately, some parents even pass away unexpectedly early and leave their children behind too soon.

So how are we supposed to trust, when even our own parents neglect, betray, or abandon us?

What should I do with this need to trust, to be comforted, to be held?

Learning to hold oneself, balancing to stay afloat, protecting ourselves from the pain of betrayal, resisting the urge to just collapse onto any stranger that provides the slightest glimpse of comfort, feels so exhausting at times. When am I going to fall?

No matter how independent and strong we want to be, we can’t avoid the act of trusting others at some point in our lives. 

And, as hard as it is to say, we have to deal with the pain that may or may not follow. The Chinese character “ren (人)” which means “person” or “people” is made of two human stick figures that are leaning on one another for support. Humans are social creatures, and we cannot survive alone. We must trust others with our feelings, hearts, and even lives. So how do we encourage ourselves to trust well in this seemingly hopeless world?

Even when we have trauma around trust, a part of us, like a seed in the ground, is waiting to trust someone.

You don’t have to tell your body to try to trust, but you can listen to the ways it’s trying to trust. It might look like sharing something small, inviting another’s interest, or expressing frustration. Like a person who will put a few pounds of weight on a bridge to see if it is safe to walk across, we do things to ensure ourselves in order to trust. We hope that the few pounds of weight on the bridge will give us the courage to walk across. Leaning on someone, letting go of our fears, taking a step not knowing if we will fall – trusting is hard work. Realistically, the best that we can do when it comes to trusting is to take that step forward while acknowledging the potential consequences of it. This sounds scary, I know. The word, consequences, does not do justice to describe the potential agony we might be putting ourselves through.

But, I’ve come to find that the following things are within our control and can make this situation less hopeless. 
  • We can try our best to discern whom to trust and how much to trust at what pace. 
  • We can learn to regulate our emotions before, during, and after we choose to trust no matter what the outcome is. 
  • We can learn to appreciate the worth in our choices to trust, and value our bravery in choosing to live fully. 
  • We can learn to comfort ourselves when things don’t go as we had hoped. 
  • We can also learn to ask for help to be comforted from those around us. 
  • Most importantly, we can respect and love the choices we make, and be okay with falling, even if it hurts. 

In the end, the goal is to survive the sometimes painful consequences of life events. We can’t give up on trusting others because we’ve been hurt before or because no one has taught us how to. We can’t give up because we depend on one another for survival. All we can do is to take care of ourselves as best as we can so that we can get up again even if someone intentionally has pulled the rug out from under our feet. We will learn to trust by first trusting ourselves that we will catch ourselves when we fall, even if that means, on some nights, I’m ugly-crying on the floor with my dog. 

Seohyun Joo, MA
Seohyun Joo, MA

I help people learn to resolve their anxiety and express their needs.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

One Reason a Break-up Hurts More than it Needs to

Written by Jeff Creely

Of course it hurts to lose someone you love. Loving and being loved is at the center of being human. Whether a loss is a a break-up or a death, loss is loss. And we feel pain in the center of ourselves when someone we love is gone forever.

But there is a story we tell ourselves that makes the end so much worse.
Something that haunts us. One belief that leads to months, or years, of agony.

“I can make you stay….I can make you love me.”

Most of us live with the fiction that we can earn someones love. That if we just work hard, if we mold ourselves to their desires, we can keep them. 

It’s so seductive. That we have the power to get what we want. That we have the power to keep who we want close to us.

The idea that we could be safe from loss if we just do everything right is comforting.

But it’s a lie. And at the end of a relationship that comfort turns to anguish.

“What did I do wrong? Why don’t they love me anymore? Why did they leave me?”

We pour over our memories…trying to find the thing that went awry. What misstep, what mistake we made that turned them from us. Was there something we could’ve done? Could we have been easier to get along with? Lost weight? Made more money?

Our thoughts are consumed by trying to find what we did, what we said.

Because if we have the power to make them stay, then it’s our fault when they leave.

But we don’t have that power. We never did.

And that hurts in its own way. To accept that we can’t earn someones love is to accept that there are times when we won’t feel loved. We can’t make love happen. When love feels far from us that truth is so heavy.

But there is freedom in accepting that sadness. Because if being loved by others is a gift we can’t blame ourselves when it’s is gone.

So when your mind turns to the false promise of deserving someone’s love…
Of scrutinizing, criticizing, and judging yourself for it’s absence…
Guide yourself away from that struggle.

Allow yourself to just accept the loss. Feel sad. Grieve with yourself.
And then remind yourself of what you can control.
Even in this pain, you can love others. To ask yourselves to be loving.

But not as a bargain, not in the expectation of love in kind.
Love comes to us as a gift until it doesn’t.

And that’s ok. Because it will come again.

Jeff Creely, PhD
Jeff Creely, PhD

I help people who struggle with anxiety and sexuality issues gain peace and freedom in their lives.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Written by Here Counseling
  1. Setting healthy boundaries is always worthwhile, but as quarantine set in, this may have begun to feel like an impossible goal.

  2. You are not alone.

    1. As many of us find ourselves spending all our time in confined spaces with loved ones, recognizing and respecting one’s physical and emotional limitations is a challenge. Lots of people are finding themselves needing to adjust their boundaries, or struggling to maintain any boundaries at all.

  3. What people tend to get wrong:

    1. When people attempt to set new boundaries, there are some pitfalls they frequently find themselves falling into. Sometimes, people can feel that the very concept of boundary-setting is so nebulous. It can be confusing to discern where to start. This frustration can cause them to procrastinate, or decide to avoid the process altogether. 
    3. Other times, people can rush into the process, trying to figure out exactly what they are hoping to gain from setting boundaries while discussing their desire to set boundaries with their loved one. This can cause them to become verbose, defensive, or even apologetic as they attempt to establish healthy boundaries, thereby potentially sabotaging the message they are trying to convey.

  1. Here’s how to get it right:

    1. Instead of feeling that this is an ambiguous, confusing process, the key to successfully setting healthy boundaries is clarity. Here, I will lay out five clear steps to help you achieve your boundary goals as seamlessly as possible. 
      1. 1. Clearly identify your boundaries
        1. This includes understanding why you need those boundaries and why you are putting them in place now.
      2. 2. Be straight forward in your communication of these boundaries
        1. This means resisting the temptation to apologize or to ramble with numerous explanations about why you need to set a certain boundary. 
        2. Try to also attend to your tone: try to maintain a calm tone, rather than sounding antagonistic or defensive.
        1. Remember to make this about you, rather than making it personal towards the person with whom you’re setting boundaries.
      3. 3. Begin by establishing not only clear, but tight boundaries
        1. As time goes on, you can always loosen them if you feel comfortable doing so.
      4. 4. Check in with yourself regularly
        1. Place trust in your own intuition, and if you feel like you’re experiencing a boundary violation, address it as soon as possible rather than waiting until it becomes a pattern.
      5. 5. Finally, establish and regularly utilize a support system
        1. Talking to people you trust, whether this includes your therapist, friends, or close family members, is a great way to stay strong in maintaining your boundaries.

  2. Why do boundaries matter?

    • It might sound like a lot to take those five steps. However, following them can vastly change your life for the better. Here are a few ways you may notice your life improve after you implement boundaries with your loved ones:
      • 1. Healthy boundary setting can help you feel respected, by both yourself and others. 
      • 2. This can help decrease the amount of conflict you experience in relationship with others – something particularly important as conflict levels rise during the ongoing stress of a pandemic.
      • 3. Finally, this can also help you enhance your assertiveness to ensure your needs are met, while improving your self-esteem, productive communication, and sense of feeling respected by others.

In summary, remember to be clear and straight forward as you establish tight boundaries, check in with yourself regularly, and utilize your support system.

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COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

  • “Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
  • “Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
  • “Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan
Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

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COVID, Healthy Relationships

Therapy from home: Three things you should be doing as a couple while quarantined

Written by Here Counseling

With all the changes in our lives due the coronavirus and quarantine, our relationships are going to feel the strain. You are likely going to have more conflicts with your partner, simply by being around them more often. You also have the opportunity to deepen your relationship- therapy from home.

In difficult times, our relationships can get stronger

To really take advantage of this time, I want to invite you to take three steps to improve your relationship while in quarantine.

Increase the good stuff

The Gottman Institute, one of the leading sources of research and intervention about relationships, says we want five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction. Keeping it that way leads to a more stable and happy relationship, and reduces the likelihood of divorce.

Find a couple small things to do for your spouse daily:

  • Leave each other kind notes
  • Take care of a chore
  • Ask about their day
  • Hug for 15-20 seconds
  • Dress up and have a date

Make a fight plan

It’s going to happen. Plan ahead for what you’re going to do in an emotional fight, keeping in mind that your previous strategies may not be options.

Plan for:

  • Who gets what space if you need a break
  • How long you’ll take a break
  • Coping ahead, or making time to cope before you are even upset
  • Checking in each day so you don’t go to bed angry

For more specific ideas on conflict, check out my colleague Connor McClenahan’s video on how to resolve an argument – he walks you through a step by step approach to hearing one another well and resolving the real underlying issue. You can find it on our Covid-19 resources page.

Engage in couples counseling

Whether your relationship is feeling tumultuous right now or you recognize that quarantine is a good time to brush up on your conflict resolution skills, couples counseling can help. Couples counseling can build on your existing strengths, help you grow in those areas of difficulty, and provide a place to flush out any disagreements that you struggled to come to a resolution on.

At Here Counseling, we are still providing in-office sessions and can also provide couples counseling over telehealth, so whatever your comfort-level is with leaving the house, we can still meet you where you’re at. Reach out today to see a stronger marriage during a difficult time.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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COVID, Healthy Relationships

Therapy from Home: Managing an Argument as a Couple

Written by Connor McClenahan

For couples, quarantine can be anything but relaxing. The image of snuggling by a warm fire and completing crossword puzzles may be a reality for a small minority of couples, but for many of us it can be a pressure cooker.

The risk of COVID-19, fears or realities of economic distress, lack of normal coping patterns (such as other friendships, gym memberships, etc.), and increased time together can all place more strain on your closest relationships.

Getting through an argument together is fundamental to your sense of safety in crisis

Here’s why that’s so important: your closest relationship – your attachment relationship – is the largest resource you have for feeling safe in a chaotic world. When that relationship is off, so is your whole internal world. It’s hard to feel safe, to calm down, to plan, when we feel chaotic or disconnected from our closest and most trusted relationship.

So maybe you’re feeling that strain in your relationship right now, and it’s coming out as more frequent or more difficult arguments. You’re fighting more, things feel more on edge. You find each other unloading more emotion, then distancing and feeling cold.

Let’s walk through an argument in a good way that brings you closer together

Every argument is an opportunity to connect.

Why? Because anger, fear, sadness, these are attachment emotions. Beneath the argument is a hidden question:

  • “Do I matter?”
  • “Do you care about me?”
  • “Can you help me feel safe?”

At the end of a good argument, you’ll feel closer to answering these questions in a good way for each other. You’ll see your partner more clearly and find comfort in each other.

Now how to get there:

1. Follow along with this video

2. Sketch the healthy argument on a piece of paper

3. Talk together about where your argument derailed

4. Rehearse your argument using the healthy argument as a template

Here’s my notes from the video, outlining a healthy argument.

This way of co-regulating emotion together is adapted from Sue Johnson’s work with couples. Learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotional patterns

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Couples need to stop asking passive questions. Here’s what you can do instead

Written by Connor McClenahan

Close relationships are the center of a happy life. And while each of us wants to feel connected to others, often our words, actions, and non-verbals don’t seem to pull us closer to others. I want to talk about “passive questions” – a kind of interaction that can be tough to deal with in any relationship. Let’s talk about what a passive question is, how we tend to fall prey to passive questions, and how we can understand them differently so we can help restore conflict.

Spotting Passive Questions

A genuine question is something people ask with the desire to know more. Questions are based in curiosity and can feel collaborative and clarifying. A “passive question”, however, is an emotional statement hidden in question form. It’s not really a question. Here are some examples:

  • “What are you doing over there?”
  • “Why would you do that?”
  • “Can’t you see I’m trying?”
  • “Didn’t you know that would hurt me?”

The list goes on.

Giving in to Passive Questions

The first thing we feel pulled to do, almost compulsively, is to answer the passive question. But there’s something else that happens when we are asked a passive question. We risk engaging in a conversation without acknowledging our emotions. We might fire back with a passive response:

  • “What was I supposed to do?”
  • “I don’t know!”
  • “Why would you ask me that?”

This conversation can quickly spiral into a heated or cut-off exchange that doesn’t help us move forward.

Emotion that isn’t acknowledged is difficult to work with. We cannot have direct, reparative, and healthy interactions without understanding our emotions in a different way.

Why We Default to Passive Communication in Relationships

It’s easy to assume that when someone uses passive questions, they’re just being difficult or avoiding conflict. But usually, something deeper is going on.

Many of us learned early on that expressing needs directly wasn’t safe — maybe it led to rejection, shame, or being misunderstood. So instead, we learned to hint. To test. To ask sideways.

Passive communication often starts as a survival tool. It helps us feel a sense of control when we fear the truth might be too much — too vulnerable, too risky. It’s less about manipulation and more about fear: “If I say what I really mean, will they still accept me?”

So if you notice yourself asking passive questions, pause before criticizing. Ask yourself:

  • “What need am I trying to express — but feel unsure I’m allowed to?”
  • “What old fear is making directness feel unsafe here?”

That’s the heart of the work in avoiding questions psychology relationships and stopping passive in relationships.

Understanding Passive Questions

A passive question is a way of expressing a scary emotion. For some of us, certain emotions were handled poorly in our earliest relationships. We learned that our anxiety, or anger, or sadness would overwhelm our parents or drive them away. The child learns not to talk about these emotions, but to instead push them out of awareness to avoid upsetting or destroying the relationship.

So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express. They ask the question to try to not push you away with their anger, anxiety, or sadness. Instead of naming and feeling their emotion, a passive question places the asker in the back seat of their emotional experience. It also places the receiver in a conflicted place – trying to intuit the emotion of the asker, and also trying to answer the question, not authentically, but in a way to help calm the asker down.

So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express.

Examples of Replacing Passive Questions with Direct Expression

Learning to name what we feel takes practice — and courage. Here are some everyday examples of how you might shift a passive question into something more open and honest:

Passive QuestionDirect Expression
“Why would you say that?”“When I heard that, it stung. Can we talk about it?”
“Are you even listening to me?”“I’m feeling ignored right now. I need your attention.”
“Don’t you think that was a little much?”“That upset me, and I’d like to share why.”
“How would you feel if I did that?”“That hurt me, and I want to understand what happened.”

These shifts aren’t just about words. They’re about choosing connection over protection. When we speak this way, we feel seen. Understood. Trusted.

How Should I Handle Passive Questions?

  1. Flag. A healthy response starts with recognizing and understanding the passive question as an expression of an emotional need, rather than a direct attack of your behavior.
  2. Time out. Try slowing the conversation down: “ok, time out” or “I think something just happened there”.
  3. Tell the story. Notice and describe what you saw happen in the interaction and also within you. “I was trying to help you with the plates, and when I reached over you asked me that question. I feel ashamed, like I did something wrong.”
  4. Invite the scary emotion. With your understanding that this could be a scary emotion for the asker to express directly, invite it: “You sound angry” or “I want you to tell me what happened for you”

This is no easy task. It’s hard to change an emotional pattern between two people. It’s easier to not rock the boat. It takes courage, empathy, and self-control. But my sense is, if we never rock the boat, passive expressions and responses continue to cause difficulty and disconnection in relationship.

Following the steps above might be just what your relationship needs in order to start having a different, more direct, conversation.

I want to help you move in this direction. Let’s set up an initial free consultation so we can talk about how passive questions impact your relationships and how you’d like to change.

Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationship Health

Communication isn’t just about getting through hard conversations. It’s about building a foundation of emotional safety — a space where both people can bring their whole selves.

When passive questions dominate a relationship, resentment quietly builds. Misunderstandings stack up. The connection starts to feel brittle, like walking on eggshells. But when we practice being clear and kind at the same time, something changes. We feel seen. Understood. Trusted.

Direct communication doesn’t guarantee conflict-free relationships — but it does create the soil for something lasting. Something honest.

And that’s the kind of relationship we all want — one where we don’t have to hide behind half-asked questions just to feel okay.

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FAQ: Passive Questions in Relationships

What are passive questions in a relationship?

Passive questions are emotional statements disguised as inquiries, like “Why would you do that?” to express frustration indirectly; they avoid direct confrontation but build resentment by hiding true feelings.

How to stop asking passive questions in a relationship?

Recognize passive questions as hidden emotions and replace them with direct expressions like “That upset me—can we talk?”; practice pausing to name your feelings for honest, connecting dialogue.

How to respond to passive aggressive questions?

Flag the passive question as an emotional cue and slow the conversation with “Time out—what just happened?”; invite the underlying feeling openly to shift from defense to understanding.

Why do people use passive questions?

People use passive questions due to learned fears from early relationships where direct emotions felt unsafe, leading to indirect hints for control; it stems from vulnerability avoidance rather than manipulation.

What are examples of passive aggressive questions?

Examples include “Why would you say that?” (hiding hurt) or “Are you even listening?” (expressing ignored feelings); they mask vulnerability, sparking spirals instead of resolution.

How to stop being passive aggressive in communication?

Shift from passive aggression by owning emotions directly, like “I’m feeling ignored” instead of hints; reflect on fears of rejection to build courage for authentic exchanges.

What causes passive questions in relationships?

Passive questions arise from early experiences where expressing needs led to shame or rejection, creating survival habits; they provide illusory control but erode trust over time.

How does passive communication affect relationships?

Passive communication builds unspoken resentment and misunderstandings, leading to heated conflicts or emotional distance; it hinders genuine connection by avoiding vulnerable, direct sharing.

Signs of passive aggressive behavior in relationships?

Signs include indirect hints like sarcastic questions, quick shutdowns without explanation, or evading accountability; these foster cycles of frustration and weaken relational bonds.

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