Of course it hurts to lose someone you love. Loving and being loved is at the center of being human. Whether a loss is a a break-up or a death, loss is loss. And we feel pain in the center of ourselves when someone we love is gone forever.
But there is a story we tell ourselves that makes the end so much worse. Something that haunts us. One belief that leads to months, or years, of agony.
“I can make you stay….I can make you love me.”
Most of us live with the fiction that we can earn someones love. That if we just work hard, if we mold ourselves to their desires, we can keep them. It’s so seductive. That we have the power to get what we want. That we have the power to keep who we want close to us.
The idea that we could be safe from loss if we just do everything right is comforting.
But it’s a lie. And at the end of a relationship that comfort turns to anguish.
“What did I do wrong? Why don’t they love me anymore? Why did they leave me?”
We pour over our memories…trying to find the thing that went awry. What misstep, what mistake we made that turned them from us. Was there something we could’ve done? Could we have been easier to get along with? Lost weight? Made more money?
Our thoughts are consumed by trying to find what we did, what we said.
Because if we have the power to make them stay, then it’s our fault when they leave.
But we don’t have that power. We never did.
And that hurts in its own way. To accept that we can’t earn someones love is to accept that there are times when we won’t feel loved. We can’t make love happen. When love feels far from us that truth is so heavy.
But there is freedom in accepting that sadness. Because if being loved by others is a gift we can’t blame ourselves when it’s is gone.
So when your mind turns to the false promise of deserving someone’s love… Of scrutinizing, criticizing, and judging yourself for it’s absence… Guide yourself away from that struggle.
Allow yourself to just accept the loss. Feel sad. Grieve with yourself. And then remind yourself of what you can control. Even in this pain, you can love others. To ask yourselves to be loving.
But not as a bargain, not in the expectation of love in kind. Love comes to us as a gift until it doesn’t.
And that’s ok. Because it will come again.
Jeff Creely, PhD
I help people who struggle with anxiety and sexuality issues gain peace and freedom in their lives.
Depression can be isolating and crippling. It keeps you in bed all day, it keeps you from getting your work done, it keeps you from being able to focus on anything, from getting your work done, from being able to concentrate. So you do all these things to not feel that way, to try to fix the problem. But instead, you’re finding that it’s perpetuating those feelings of hopelessness, of sadness, of loneliness.
The tools you’ve been using aren’t helping with depression
There are common things that people do to try to not feel that way, whether it’s engaging in addictive behaviors, downplaying your neediness to other people, or even using a lot of positive phrases and positive affirmations. So, I’m going to explore those things briefly in this video.
1. Addictive Behaviors
The first, addictive behaviors, might look like overeating, over-drinking, or even hurting yourself. And you do these things to not feel so lonely, to not feel so sad, but instead, you find yourself feeling really guilty afterwards and not feeling any better.
2. Downplaying your Neediness
Or maybe you try to downplay your neediness to others, which might look like not letting other people in on how you’re feeling so that you can try to save those relationships and keep them around. But instead, you’re finding yourself continuing to feel isolated, lonely, and depressed, even when you’re around those individuals.
3. “Positive” Thinking
Or maybe you’ve tried to think really positively – to have these phrases like “it’s all gonna be okay” or “what’s meant to be will be.” But you don’t find yourself believing in those things or feeling any better after you’ve told yourself those things.
You need a different tool for depression: a safe relationship.
What you’re really craving is a safe relationship where you can feel okay to be yourself, to be vulnerable. I don’t know who comes to mind for you when you think of just one safe relationship. Maybe that could be your mom, your dad, a sibling, a coworker, a friend. Or maybe you’re finding that no one comes to mind for you. And that’s okay.
That’s where therapy comes in. That’s where I come in. It’s a space where you can learn to feel safe, where you can learn to feel okay with how you feel, and to not feel so lonely or hopeless. So I’d encourage you today to either think of one person that you can start opening up to or to take a step forward to come in for therapy.
Rose So, MA
I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.
For so many of us worry is a way of life. We worry about money. We worry about what people think. We worry about our health. We even worry about our past. And so often these worries attack us without warning. How often have you been going about your day, feeling fine, but suddenly find yourself obsessing over something completely random…like the wording of an email you wrote two hours ago?
“Why didn’t he respond yet?
Did I say something stupid?
Did I make a mistake?
Did I offend him?
What if I get fired?”
Your heart races. You feel that pit in the center of your chest. Then you spend a half hour reading and re-reading your message.
But even when everything turns out fine, It’s still unfair, because you just lived half a day with this terror gnawing at the back of your mind.
But the strange truth is you’re built for this fear. Your worry is a survival instinct honed over millions of years.
You’re made to be afraid.
10,000 years ago that fear was vitally important. Back then, a threat meant life or death. It was evolutionarily adaptive if every time you heard the grasses rustling you assumed it was a lion.
You’d better be prepared because it only had to be a lion once for you to get eaten.
Those people who were prepared for the lion, those who assumed the worst, they lived. And now their fear lives on in you.
But this process that was so helpful to our ancestors; looking for threats, assuming danger, preparing for the worst at all times…it drags you down.
The threats we face are no longer life or death.
There are no lions waiting to pounce in our email. In our world this instinct distracts us from what’s important by focusing our attention on the unlikely negative. It paralyzes us from taking action because we severely overestimate the chance that bad things will happen.
Your fear no longer serves you.
But there is hope.
Your instinct isn’t all powerful.
You can talk back to your fear.
There are lots of ways to do this. And sometimes it takes a while to figure out what’s most effective. But right now, I’ll tell you the three questions I’ve found most powerful in helping people talk back to their fear.
When you find yourself with that pit in your chest, your thoughts racing, your heart pounding…
Stop. Be gentle, ask yourself,
“What is it you’re afraid of right now?”
Then ask yourself this,
“What is the most likely to occur?”
Don’t lie. Don’t try to be positive. Just answer honestly. Because the truth is always less scary than what we are afraid of.
“What is most likely to occur?“
Hold onto that in the face of your fear. Hand it back to your fear when it comes up again. The truth is the most powerful weapon we have.
But if the fear persists. Ask this,
“What is the worst that could happen? Will I be ok?”
Again, answer honestly. If you do, if you really dig down for what is true, I imagine you’ll find that whatever you fear, the absolute worst, the thing unlikely to occur, it is survivable.
You have felt this way before. You have survived before.
You are a survivor.
And whatever the thing you fear, it is smaller than what you can do in the face of its challenge.
Recognize your instinct to fear. Remember your fear no longer serves you. Remind yourself of what is likely to occur. Remind yourself that you can survive the worst.
Arm yourself with the truth. There are no lions here.
If this video helped you in some way and you want more help talking back to your fear, I look forward to talking with you.
Jeff Creely, PhD
I help people who struggle with anxiety and sexuality issues gain peace and freedom in their lives.
You know something feels off, you don’t feel like yourself. People closest to you say you’re moving a bit slower or smiling a bit less. You don’t have the same energy, you feel more irritable, or concentration is hard. You want to regain control of your life, to feel like you’re getting somewhere, but an unwelcome cloud in your mind is holding you back. So you’ve found yourself wondering:
“Am I depressed?”
“How will I know if I’m depressed?”
“And what should I do about depression?”
We’re going to explore one method you can use to test if you’re suffering from depression. My hope is to help you take the first step in naming your experience so you can be empowered to decide what to do about it.
Young worried woman thinking of something while calculating her home budget.
Testing for Depressed Mood
I invite you to think of the next five minutes as an opportunity to engage in a conversation with yourself. Listen to the categories we’re going to cover, ask yourself not only if you relate, but also how you feel about relating.
I’m going to break down all 9 as you count how many apply to your experience:
Do you experience low mood most of the day on most days? This could feel like sadness, but it could also feel like emptiness or hopelessness. Some might feel numb or emotionless, others may burst into tears. In minors this can even look like irritation.
Do you experience a diminished interest or pleasure in things you feel you’d normally enjoy. Maybe the same pleasureful respites don’t cut it anymore, or maybe you’re finding yourself avoiding them altogether.
Is your appetite more or less than it should be? This is one that can confuse people. Some experience an increase in appetite or weight gain during depressed mood. Others might experience a decrease in appetite or a decrease in weight.
Are you sleeping less or more than you need? Similar to number 3, this is a time when either way isn’t helpful. Maybe you’re experiencing insomnia, which looks like either difficulty initiating sleep, difficulty sleeping in the middle of the night, or waking too early with an inability to go back to sleep. Or maybe you experience hypersomnia, defined as 10 hours or more of combined sleep in a 24 hr period.
Are your movements slower than usual? Or are they more restless and agitated than usual? What do your friends notice?
Do you experience fatigue or a loss of energy most days?
Do you feel a sense of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt?
Is your concentration or decisiveness slowed?
Do you find yourself thinking often of death or experiencing a wish to not be alive anymore?
If you have 5 or more symptoms, you may be experiencing a major depressive episode. For many, this is a hard truth to realize, but there’s no reason for you have to wrestle through this by yourself. And while no questionnaire or test is the same as a diagnosis, my hope for you is that you feel you have a starting point as you begin speaking with a therapist.
But whether or not you came up with 5 depression symptoms, I’d invite you to ask yourself what this exercise brought up for you.
There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.
Wherever you are, whatever your experience, take hold of the reins of your life once more, and watch the days get a little bit brighter.
Am I Depressed? Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Teenagers often struggle to get enough good sleep. It may take hours to fall asleep or they might wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. Sometimes they sleep ok but always feel tired. Teenagers still need 8-10 hours of sleep per night, even though their internal clocks have shifted to not get tired until later in the evening. Without enough sleep, school gets harder, focusing and memorizing are difficult and mental health is impacted. Not getting enough sleep can make all of us (adults and teens) more irritable, sad or anxious.
If you are a teenager or the parent of a teenager who is struggling with sleep, here are a few things that you can do to help.
Set a Sleep Schedule
Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning improves your sleep. Your body will get into the habit of falling asleep at that time and wake up feeling more refreshed in the morning. If you can, keep that schedule on the weekend as well (or sleep in no later than 1 hour), in order to help you get better sleep throughout the week.
Start a Calming Bedtime Routine
Your brain relies a lot on external cues to tell you when it is time to sleep. That is why you might feel tired earlier in the winter when it is dark so early. Our bodies use light to determine when we sleep but it can rely on other cues as well. So establishing a bedtime routine prepares your brain for sleep. Routines like putting on pjs and brushing your teeth help you start unwind and relax. But you may consider expanding your routine to include a few more things.
Here are some ideas:
Drink hot herbal tea
Journal
Read a favorite book
Listen to calming music
Start a diffuser of essential oils
Put on lotion
Doing these activities consistently as part of your nightly routine communicates to your body that it is time to sleep and helps you fall asleep sooner.
Reduce Screens
The light from screens (including phone, TV etc.) mimics natural light and wakes up our brains. If you are having a hard time falling asleep, turning off all screens an hour before bedtime can make a big difference.
Avoid Homework in Bed
When you do school work, your brain becomes more alert, focused and possibly more stressed or frustrated. If you are doing school in the same place where you sleep (on or in your bed), your brain will associate your bed with school. As a result, when you lie down to sleep, you might start thinking about school or start feeling stressed and alert. Doing activities you enjoy on your bed, like talking to friends or watching TV can have a similar effect of keeping you awake as well because those activities make you excited and energized. As much as possible, only use your bed for sleep and relaxing activities. Anything that is stressful or exciting will keep you awake later on.
Increase Physical Activity
Being active and getting outside during the day can also help with sleep. Take a walk, go for a jog, jump on the trampoline, shoot hoops, chase your dog, dance! Anything that gets you moving during the day will help you sleep at night. Just avoid doing these things right before bed or in the evening, because that might wake you up more.
Get support
If you are feeling a lot of stress, worry, sadness or loneliness, your mental health may also be impacting your sleep. If you try these things and are still struggling, reach out to a therapist for support. Learning to cope with whatever is going on for you can help you feel better and improve sleep.
So I encourage you to try one or two of these strategies (or all of them! Why not?) and ask for help if you need more support.
Help Your Teen Sleep Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Depression can feel overwhelming during the holidays. There’s a few reasons for that. Our traditions and gatherings can usually remind us not only of the ways we are connected and grateful, but also the ways we can sometimes feel alone and isolated as well.
This holiday brings with it an uninvited guest: a recognition that for many of us, this year has been difficult, and at times has felt hopeless. On top of these kinds of economic and health realities, we can recognize that we’ve been lonely.
Our brains were meant for daily social connection
The largest part of our brains is the cortex. That’s the rich, folded external part of our brains responsible for all of our higher order planning, thinking, language, and visual-spacial awareness. The purpose of this part of the brain isn’t simply for accomplishing tasks.
The purpose of this important part of our brain is to keep us connected to a social group.
Our cortex is built for constant and intricate interactions with other people. Picture a 150 person closed-network group of people – similar to tribal cultures. Each person knows each other, each person has a role, a sense of how they belong and function together. Together they have some sense of their shared world and place in it. They have stories and myths, they have unfolding drama and conflict between members, and ways of moving through these conflicts toward resolutions.
Pre-COVID, our social environments tend to be more urban than tribal. The social connections that fed our cortexes came instead from affinity groups, churches, work environments, and gyms. These give our lives meaning, they give us purpose, and identity. When we feel we belong to a community, we know our role, we get clear signals about our identity within that group, and we feel we’re moving toward some shared purpose that’s larger than ourselves.
This season, our brains are starved for social connection, and it’s making us depressed.
While this seems an obvious connection, I believe we can also tend to dismiss the weight these social interactions hold for us.
When we don’t acknowledge the importance of our social groups, we tend to shame ourselves and others for missing friends. We can interpret these kinds of feelings or needs as a disregard for public health. However, it’s normal to be sad and crave things like dinner parties and baseball games, just like it’s normal to be thirsty or hungry.
Our hunger for social interactions is a survival instinct. It’s telling us that we’re vulnerable, that we’re alone in a threatening world.
Loneliness and Hopelessness Contribute to Depression
Depression is a clinical term that describes a certain prolonged experience of low energy, sadness, lack of pleasure and hope for the future. For some of us who have a tendency toward depression, there are some environmental pieces that will trigger a depressive episode.
The two factors that may especially contribute to triggering a depressive episode this season are isolation and hopelessness. We’ve already talked a bit about isolation, how our sense of belonging to a group of people can insulate us from depression and meaninglessness.
Hopelessness is the experience of not being able to imagine the end of suffering. Human beings can be incredibly resilient when we can envision an end to our suffering. When we can see a light at the end of the tunnel we can endure incredible challenges, just like a marathon runner can push toward the finish line because she can imagine a defined point at which the pain in her legs will stop.
Because we don’t know when the pandemic will end, we can feel hopeless. When we don’t know how long to social distance for, or when we’ll be able to see family again, we can tend to be overwhelmed by depressive feelings.
Two Ways to Increase your Emotional Resilience
So what do we do? While no solution will bring back the social connections we’re craving, our best tool is to hold onto a few things that help us endure the pain of being apart.
First of all, it’s important to not throw out our normal traditions. Talk with friends and family and be creative with a socially-distanced version of your normal traditions. While there may be an element of sadness to not being together, practicing the tradition will help us to remember important moments of connection with those closest to us.
Second, talk with family and friends to plan a time in the future to celebrate once it’s safe. Just like a marathon runner needs a clear, defined end to their pain to keep going, we need to clearly imagine a point at which we can come back together and celebrate. Plan a trip or visit to reconnect with others in the future – talk about what kind of meal or activity you’ll do. The more clearly you can imagine and plan for this moment, the more it will increase your emotional resilience in this time.
What could this look like for your immediate family? For your friend group? For your work life?
In the meantime, if you’re struggling today with depressive feelings that are overwhelming, give us a call. Therapy can help you move through these feelings and recover a sense of hope and meaning.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
You may be dreading the holidays this year, or just not as excited as usual. This is a normal response if you have lost a loved one or something important to you, whether it was this year or years ago. Anniversaries and holidays bring up memories and feelings that can be painful and hard to cope with.
What to Expect from Grief
Grief is a deeply individual experience based on your relationship with what or who you lost. Grief looks different for everyone and is never easy or predictable. There is no timeline for grief or a time when you are “supposed” to be done grieving. Though there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are some things that you can do to help in the healing process.
5 Ways to Cope with Grief
1) Recognize How Grief Impacts Other Emotions
When we are grieving, our emotions may be unpredictable. We may feel more sad, angry, fearful, or numb than usual. Things that usually do not bother us may feel like a big deal or cause more pain than usual. Acknowledging that our emotions are being triggered by grief and accepting that we are hurting is the first step in more effectively coping with grief.
2) Get Support
Find support from people who care about you. It can be easy to isolate while you are grieving but is better to let others share the grief with you and be there for you. Talk about your loss if you need to or just enjoy spending time together. If you don’t have anyone who will be able to support you, consider joining a support group.
3) Take Care of Yourself
Grief can take an emotional and physical toll. You may feel more exhausted, get a cold more easily or have difficulty sleeping. Allow yourself the time to do what you need to do to be ok, whether that is resting, journaling, faith practices or being physically active. Keep up regular routines as much as possible while also recognizing that simple things may be harder for a while.
4) Honor their memory
An important part of healing from grief is being able to identify new ways to relate to and remember the person you have lost. Honoring their memory may help you feel connected with them and able to integrate who they were into your life now. There are a lot of creative things you can do to honor their memory.
Here are a few ideas:
Create a journal or scrap book of memories
Start a tradition that brings family members together
Do an activity that they loved (cooking, listen to their favorite music, decorating etc.)
Do an art project that reminds you of them
Donate to a charity or cause that they cared about
5) Meet with a therapist
Though grief is an expected and natural experience, sometimes the additional support from a therapist is needed. If you are having a hard time functioning and completing daily tasks, are feeling hopeless and not sure if life is worth living, or feel like there is no one you can trust after your loss, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist.
Experience Joy Again
The pain of grief may feel overwhelming and endless. But getting the support you need and following these steps can help you find healing and hope. It is important to recognize the significance of the loss but also be able to live with joy and purpose again. Don’t suffer alone! Call us today if you need support from experienced therapists.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face.
Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child
Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways:
Increases their sense of safety and security
Reduces anxiety and stress
Helps you feel more confident in your parenting
Increases self-esteem
Reduces conflict
Helps kids accept limits and disciple
How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child
Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!
Here are three things that you can start doing today:
Start One-on-One Time
I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship.
Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them.
Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time:
5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing
Read a bedtime story
Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed
Drawing or coloring with your child
Schedule Family Time
Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.
Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better.
Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family:
Family game night
Movie night
Trip to the park
Bike ride/walk
Family Dinner
Pancake breakfast on Saturday
Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family
Increase Labeled Praise
Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well.
To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small.
Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child
Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship.
Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones.
Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort.
This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.
What’s happening in your brain and body?
Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking.
Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.
Muscle tension.
Gastrointestinal issues.
Fatigue.
Insomnia.
Weight gain.
Extreme weight loss.
None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life.
What can you do about it?
Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement.
I’m unloved.
I’m a failure.
I’m not safe.
You get the point.
So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself.
NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.
I am loved.
I’m important.
I do the best I can.
Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today.
LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.
Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?
These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice.
Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.
Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day.
Taking the next step
Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns.
Be free to live again.
Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore.
Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first. And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.
Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.
Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt?
The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.
The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful.
The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation
Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs.
Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI. The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed.
This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after.
Determines fit for your needs, establishes expectations and scheduling.
2. Clinical Interview
Conducted jointly and individually with parents to gather context, personal story, and needs for accurate test interpretation and tailored recommendations.
3. Psychological Assessment
Involves tests like the MMPI (true/false questionnaire) or others to detect mental health issues; answer honestly without preparation or overthinking.
4. Follow-Up Feedback
Schedule a session to review results, discuss concerns, provide recommendations, and answer questions for proactive issue resolution.
Results Help Your Adoption Succeed
After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements.
After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results.
Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support
At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience.
Why do I need a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?
The evaluation ensures that adoptive parents are prepared to provide a warm, nurturing home for the child. It screens for any mental health concerns to prevent potential neglect or abuse and helps catch issues early, providing necessary support for successful parenting.
What does the pre-adoption evaluation process involve?
The process typically includes a clinical interview (conducted both together and separately with the parents) and one or more psychological tests, such as the MMPI. The interview provides context for interpreting test results, leading to tailored recommendations.
What psychological tests are used in the evaluation?
Common tests include the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), a true/false questionnaire designed to identify mental health concerns. Other tests may be used in addition or instead, depending on the psychologist’s approach.
How should I prepare for the psychological tests?
You can’t study or prepare for these tests, as they focus on your preferences and experiences. The best approach is to answer honestly and accurately without overanalyzing the questions, as trying to “figure them out” can lead to unnecessary anxiety and inaccurate results.
What happens after the evaluation is completed?
The psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country you’re adopting from. You’ll have a follow-up appointment to review the results, discuss any concerns, and receive recommendations. They may also coordinate with your adoption agency with your permission.
How can the evaluation support my adoption journey?
The evaluation aims to make the process stress-free by providing proactive recommendations to address current needs and anticipate challenges. This helps ensure a smoother transition when welcoming a new child into your home.
Where can I get a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?
Services are available in California through our practice. You can book a free consultation call to determine if we’re the right fit. Learn more about our assessment services or schedule a free consultation.
