For couples, quarantine can be anything but relaxing. The image of snuggling by a warm fire and completing crossword puzzles may be a reality for a small minority of couples, but for many of us it can be a pressure cooker.
The risk of COVID-19, fears or realities of economic distress, lack of normal coping patterns (such as other friendships, gym memberships, etc.), and increased time together can all place more strain on your closest relationships.
Getting through an argument together is fundamental to your sense of safety in crisis
Here’s why that’s so important: your closest relationship – your attachment relationship – is the largest resource you have for feeling safe in a chaotic world. When that relationship is off, so is your whole internal world. It’s hard to feel safe, to calm down, to plan, when we feel chaotic or disconnected from our closest and most trusted relationship.
So maybe you’re feeling that strain in your relationship right now, and it’s coming out as more frequent or more difficult arguments. You’re fighting more, things feel more on edge. You find each other unloading more emotion, then distancing and feeling cold.
Let’s walk through an argument in a good way that brings you closer together
Every argument is an opportunity to connect.
Why? Because anger, fear, sadness, these are attachment emotions. Beneath the argument is a hidden question:
“Do I matter?”
“Do you care about me?”
“Can you help me feel safe?”
At the end of a good argument, you’ll feel closer to answering these questions in a good way for each other. You’ll see your partner more clearly and find comfort in each other.
Now how to get there:
1. Follow along with this video
2. Sketch the healthy argument on a piece of paper
3. Talk together about where your argument derailed
4. Rehearse your argument using the healthy argument as a template
Here’s my notes from the video, outlining a healthy argument.
Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.
It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.
Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.
Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.
Don’t Say Nothing
Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.
Talk to them about:
What the coronavirus is
What symptoms may look like in a child
How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
Emphasize that your family will be ok
For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
Their feelings
Things they can do to help
For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child
Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.
For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.
Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.
Don’t Say Everything
While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.
One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.
Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.
What if I don’t know the answer?
It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.
Will you do me a favor?
Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
Everyone goes through difficult seasons of life, but there is a difference between a bad season and an episode of depression. Do you know the signs of depression?
Depression is one of the most common mental
health diagnoses in the United States, with an estimated 17.3 million adults
and 3.3 million adolescents having had least one depressive episode in 2017
(NIMH). Despite being so prevalent, a
depressive episode can be one of the most isolating times in a person’s life,
and its impacts can be far-reaching and devastating.
What is depression?
Though there are different kinds of
depression, most depression begins with a similar set of symptoms.
Common symptoms may include:
Feeling sad, empty,
and/ or irritable
Not feeling interested
in things you once enjoyed, like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and/
or sex
Difficulty getting
things done, following through on tasks, and/ or focusing
Trouble with sleep,
appetite, weight, and/or fatigue
Thoughts of hurting
yourself
(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 2013)
Who can give me a depression test?
Though you may be able to recognize these
signs for yourself, it may be helpful to get a diagnosis from a therapist or
doctor. According to the Substance Abuse
and Mental Health Services Administration, 35% of adults and 60% of adolescents
never get treatment for depression.
Talking to a professional about your diagnosis can help you get a
diagnosis and then get linked to treatment.
Because there are different types of
depression, an online depression test may not be able to help you understand
what you are experiencing or what to do next.
A depression test with a professional may help provide those answers and
next steps.
If depression is common, do I really need treatment?
Despite being so common, depression can have a
massive impact on your daily life, leading to:
Missing work/ school
Not making deadlines
for work/ school
Feeling disconnected
from loved ones
Not making progress or
keeping up with other valued life areas, like finances
Turning to substance
use to try and stop the pain
In turn, these problems lead to a negative
response from the people around you.
This criticism, and the feeling of falling more and more behind, can
start to feel like you’re never going to get out.
What do I do if I think I have depression or want a depression test?
There are a lot of successful treatments for
depression, including different types of talk therapy and medication. But sometimes it’s hard to know where to
start.
Reach out to a
therapist today to schedule a session and learn more about if depression
treatment may be helpful for you
Talk to your doctor
about whether you are a candidate for medication, as well as the pros and cons
of medications
For some of you, it may be helpful to request
testing for depression. A depression
test may be helpful for those of you who:
You are not sure if
you are experiencing depression
You see some of your
symptoms here, but don’t think depression is the full picture
You’ve been in
treatment for depression, but aren’t seeing the progress you like
Reach out today to start your journey toward healing by scheduling an initial therapy appointment or a depression test.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
Panic attacks can be scary. People experiencing panic attacks can often mistake it for a heart attack: pain or tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, and racing thoughts.
In this video, I’ll walk you step-by-step through a panic attack.
Set a timer. Panic attacks often last between 15-60 minutes.
Practice box breathing. I’ll walk you through how to breathe when you’re having a panic attack.
Practice mindful sensory exercises. I’ll take you through sensory exercises which help put you back “in your body” and regulate anxiety.
Reflect and learn from your experience. I’ll walk you through how to learn from the panic attack so you are less likely to have a panic attack in the future
Help during social distancing and quarantine
This video is part of a series – Therapy from Home – a resource we hope you use to help you get access to mental health during the quarantine. In this time of isolation and fear, we want to make sure you can get the help you need, even without scheduling an appointment. Please check back in to our COVID-19 resource page for more videos like this to help you address emotional and relational difficulties from your home.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
Feeling unsure of how to respond in times like these can lead to panicky decisions while we seek control in an out of control world. In this blog, I respond to a CNBC article about the panic-shopping and panic-investing we are witnessing. I’ll go over the processes underlying our behavior and how you can help yourself cope.
Hoarding Hoardes
In this article published by CNBC, the author discusses how panic leads to problematic decisions like hoarding and divesting from the stock market. The author found out that the panic sweeping the nation in grocery stores and the stock market is a result of human behavior during panic. In times of panic, we seek to preserve ourselves by hoarding necessities and pulling our cash out of investments. If the behavior seems primitive, it’s because it is. We are using a brain that dates back about 150,000 years and trying to use it to cope and decide about markets that are only about 100 years old and a society that is less than 250 years old. It is worsened by the fact that fear can be contagious, so if you see someone piling up canned goods, it sends off fear signals in your brain that you may be the one without if you don’t act quickly. According to the article, it is best to sit down and take stock of your emotions and separate from your decision-making by talking to experts, such as a financial planner. They may be able to provide rationality or have experience in sharp economic downturns.
It’s All Normal to Feel
You’ve probably felt your heart start racing or palms sweating as you started to look for your car keys and reusable grocery bags in a last ditch effort to get what you can at the grocery. Maybe you’ve thought of cashing out of the stock market or pulling cash out of the bank. It’s all normal to feel but the big problem is thinking we’ve made the best decision when to pull out cash or hoard toilet paper.
As the article mentions, our brains are an old system that dates back about 150,000 years ago. If you can imagine a primitive human staring in awe, mouth agape, at a TV displaying cable news of the COVID-19 crisis (let’s assume the human speaks English), it is easy to also imagine that person frantically grabbing at necessities, pushing people over to get to them, and grunting to intimidate others. Fear is contagious and no one wants to be the one without enough supplies if circumstances become so dire.
When we acknowledge that we have the same brain, the panicky response of the masses seems more understandable.
Most people pulling money out of the bank or stock market are focusing on preserving what they have. This emotional reaction has the power to override an established financial plan and cause people to “get out.” Imagine our friend, the primitive human, with a pile of resources, seeing the panic on TV, and attempting to protect his pile – not too different from us, again.
Stockpiling is a legitimate coping response that will probably result in reducing your stress but only if done responsibly.
Ineffective Coping Makes Things Worse
Buying enough canned goods for a couple of weeks of self-quarantine is realistic, but racking up a credit card bill you cannot afford for food and toilet paper you cannot store is a poor choice that will lead to more stress and worry. Standing in line for hours at Costco talking to other people who are reacting to panic is likely increase your stress, too. Also, hoarding means there will be less for others, especially the vulnerable that aren’t able to travel to the store or afford to buy in large quantities.
6 Things You Can Do to Cope
Talk to others. Take time to talk to others via FaceTime and gain other perspectives and socialize without leaving your house.
Turn off news notifications on your phone. You have plenty of other things you can do on there. Play a game or do something more active, such as drawing or journaling.
Limit watching the news on TV. Maybe you only watch the evening local news broadcast and leave it at that. Instead, watch movies or play video games.
Visit the grocery at off-peak times. If you must go, go when fewer people will be there to reduce your panicky feelings. Go with a list and only buy what you need. Essentials will remain available, even in a major shutdown (i.e.: Spain)
Talk to a therapist. You knew I would suggest it, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed we are here. I can’t make it all go away or run your errands but I can help you gain perspective and work on symptom management in the meantime.
Explore your state’s COVID-19 website. For example, California (where I practice) has a website that helps folks understand how the government is responding and protecting your future. For those worried about their finances, the site includes details about paid leave and short-term disability options that can help calm financial worries.
Put simply, do not stimulate yourself with stressful images and words. It is one thing to be informed, it is another to be overwhelmed and inundated in a way our 150,000 year-old brains aren’t great at handling.
When to Seek Professional Help
Give the tips above a try and if you’re noticing yourself struggling to cope effectively it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. Connecting with another person that is nonjudgmental is an opportunity to reflect and honestly analyze your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Protecting the future for you and yours is a common reason people invest, so times like this feel existential. It’s important to check with your financial advisor about how to best stick to your plan or hire a financial planner to help develop a plan that includes contingencies for times like these. Writing down the things you are anxious about and seeing if there is a simple solution is useful step to take.
With the coronavirus on everyone’s minds, social media
pages, and news channels, it’s a scary world out there.
“Should I buy more toilet paper?”
“Is this runny nose a symptom?”
“What if my kids’ school closes?”
“How will I pay my bills if I can’t work or run out of sick
days?”
Many of us are feeling anxious and unclear about what the
coronavirus may mean for our health, our loved ones, and our finances. Some are taking to stocking up on paper
goods, while others post silly memes to mock them in an attempt to bring some
balance. Plenty are avoiding the news
all-together.
Though having anxiety about the coronavirus does not
necessarily mean having an anxiety disorder, we can use some of the same
lessons we learn from managing anxiety to manage our corona-stress.
Neither panic nor
avoidance will make your stress go away.
When we avoid something stressful, it never really goes
away, it simply gets pushed down. Then,
when we are most tired, irritable, or even hungry, it pops back up as anger,
panic, stomach pain, sleep problems, etc.
Panic and avoidance are actually two sides of the same coin.
Your anxiety is there
for a reason
Your body and brain were made to help you avoid bad things
happening! If you see a wild bear coming
toward you, and your brain and body do not become afraid or anxious, you don’t
run away in time! Anxiety is meant to
help you see possible threats in order to do
something about them.
So what should I do
about it?
As difficult as it may be, we all have to stay aware of what is going on in our communities. That doesn’t mean reading every story about it online or following how they handle it in Italy – this means knowing what is happening in your community now, and any CDC recommendations or governmental regulations for your area. Get educated about how the virus works, from reputable specialists. Start with the CDC Website and start one article at a time, making sure to take breaks in between if you start to feel overwhelmed. It can be tempting when we start to read every article and go down every rabbit hole, but try to limit yourself to just what you need to know to be safe.
Ok, I’m educated and
prepared – what now?
It is in times when we do not know the outcome, and in which
the things we care about feel at risk, that we must turn toward our values and
our loved ones. Pick one of these things
you can do today:
Spend time with your family
Call an elderly family member
Play a game with your kids
Pray, meditate, or engage in another spiritual practice, if that is comfortable for you
Be a little kinder to your neighbor
Do the things that make you feel like your best self
If you find that your stress is overwhelming you, reach out for support to a loved one or consider talking to a therapist. We’re all in this together – let this be a time where we lean into what matters.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
Experiencing feelings of isolation, panicking about the scarcity of resources, and fearing for one’s health can be overwhelming during this time of uncertainty. Due to the threat of Coronavirus, we are being forced to alter the way we interact with colleagues, friends, and family, shifting our work and social schedules. Meetings and gatherings have been postponed or outright canceled. Many people are spending much more time in their own homes. This leaves a gap. We are, at our core, inherently social, and loneliness can be as overwhelming as any other trauma.
We need connection, and we can feel when it’s missing.
Working from home is fast becoming a best practice for minimizing the potential spread of COVID-19 within the workplace. However, such a drastic change to your daily routine, coupled with the constant news cycle updates, can put a strain on your mental health.
Rather than waiting to see a therapist “until things calm down,” it is worth exploring an emerging alternative to coming into a therapist’s office – Telehealth.
Teletherapy helps you maintain mental health
For years, telehealth (or teletherapy) has improved access to care for clients with mobility challenges and for those who live too far to travel to their preferred therapist. Now, teletherapy is becoming increasingly relevant as the number of remote workers, or people working from home, is surging.
Teletherapy reduces travel time to and from your therapist’s office, which makes it more convenient for the working professional. It also offers the benefit of being in a comfortable and familiar environment, which can often be helpful for self-expression and reflection.
HIPAA Compliant Teletherapy Offers Security
Some are reluctant to try teletherapy because they feel that something would be missing from a face to face interaction. With a clear camera and high quality internet connection, we find that, in practice, clients get just as much out of remote therapy as in-person. Others may be concerned about privacy. If this is a concern, make sure your therapist is using a HIPAA Compliant service, like Spruce Health or SimplePractice, that offers a secure connection. This way your data is protected.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by COVID-19, give me a call. I am a psychologist, and I can help you learn coping skills that will give you peace of mind during this challenging time. I also offer teletherapy sessions using a HIPAA compliant system.
Crystal Clements, PhD
I help people overcome depression and anxiety and experience empowerment in their daily lives.
Rest is seen as lazy, unproductive, and weak. In a culture that prizes 60 hour work weeks as a sign of productivity, we can often see tiredness and overwhelm as obstacles in our path. When we feel tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, we reach for a cup of coffee to pull ourselves back on track.
Yet if not listened to, our need for rest will ring louder and louder.
Our bodies have natural limits, and when we deny them, it sounds an alarm louder and louder. Ignored anxiety can quickly turn to panic. Ignored tiredness can quickly turn into a cold.
So why is it so hard to listen? And how can you get the rest you need?
What Can Prevent Us From Resting
All kinds of things get in the way of us getting the rest we need.
Guilt. Sometimes our minds get ahead of us. We ignore signals to rest because we feel bad about stopping. We’re concerned others will think we’re lazy or not doing enough.
Productivity. American culture values doing over being, working over rest. We often believe we are more productive when we “do” more tasks.
Anxiety. We’re sometimes reluctant to rest because of some fear. Worrying about deadlines or the amount of work before us can keep us from taking a moment to rest.
Pleasure. Sometimes we find our pleasure in being needed, so we keep working. We ignore our body’s signals because the payload of having others depend upon us is greater than the benefits we receive from rest.
You’ve Been Resting Wrong
When we get overwhelmed or feel overworked, our first thought is: “I need a break”. We sigh and push back from the desk, and flip out our phones. The assumed idea is if we simply stop doing what we’re doing we will end up feeling better. The problem is, this half-true assumption leads to some pseudo-restful behaviors that leave us unsatisfied.
Things we do to rest that aren’t really restful:
Watching TV
Checking our phones
Social Media
Eating
Switching tasks
The problem is, these things almost never give us the rest we’re looking for. Yes, they can be a way to pull back from work, but we’re usually left with the same tightness in our chests (anxiety), feel bad for wasting time (guilt), and get back to work (productivity). It’s like we pushed the pause button on our anxiety, only to pick back up right where we left off.
A New Way to Think about ‘Rest’
So why aren’t these things restful? Because the idea that resting means “taking a break” doesn’t hold up neurologically. When we become overwhelmed, anxious, or tired, our bodies aren’t simply telling us “stop doing this task”. So let’s take a look at a term that might better describe what it is we’re wanting when we need rest:
Rest is Passive processing.
Your mind has two different modes of activity. In fact, there is no time at which your brain is simply stagnant or turned off. We are always engaged in some kind of processing, and understanding what those are will help us understand what you’re needing when you want to rest.
Active processing. This is task mode. Your mind is actively engaged in solving or understanding a certain task.
Passive processing. This is reflection mode. In this mode your mind is actively pulling together and making sense of your experiences. You’re reflecting, understanding, and making meaning.
You mind is always in one of these two modes. Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more-so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.
Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.
The best and most refreshing kind of rest happens when we allow our minds to ease into passive processing. It’s only when we do this that we are fully ready to engage in the task at hand.
Picture a person lifting weights. They do a hard set, then pause to rest. The rest is not simply inaction. There are all kinds of transactions happening within the muscle that help it flush out and repair, getting the muscle ready for the next task. We are designed to experience a natural ebb and flow between task and reflection.
The question then becomes, “How can I rest better?” The better we are at passive processing, the more refreshed and able we are to engage in active processing.
5 Ways to “Passively Process” and Get the Rest You Need
Don’t check your media. This needs to be said first. Often our times of vital passive processing are taken by the impulse to check our phones, Facebook, Instagram, or blogs. This keeps our minds engaged in active processing, and away from the passive processing we need.
Take a breath. Sounds simple, right? Take a step back from what you’re doing, and take 30 seconds to simply breathe. This kind of move is not simply “doing nothing”, it’s allowing your mind to engage in vital passive processing that will help you be ready to reengage later.
Exercise. Aerobic exercise is just as healthy for your mind as it is your body. Being away from a desk or other tasks, you may find your mind is able to wander to what’s important to you, passively making meaning of your recent thoughts and experiences.
Friends. Talk with a friend. Go out to coffee. Let your thoughts wander as you ask about each other’s week and how they are doing. Notice what changes for you. These reflective conversations help us make meaning and consolidate our experience.
Art. Creating art is a great way to intentionally process and make meaning. Adult coloring books seem to tap into our deep need for passive processing. Allow yourself to get lost in the art. Art is less about the final product, and more about the experience of self-expression.
Therapy. You guessed it. Being a psychotherapist, I strongly believe in the role of psychotherapy in helping us experience a present, connected, and whole life. Therapy is often purely a passive process, helping you to pause and reflect upon what is happening in your life. Even as I write this blog, I’m still surprised at how much talking well with another person can change things. I encourage you to give it a try.
In a culture heavy with active processing, we need a little nudge to give us permission to rest – truly rest. Not unlike our lungs or heart, our brains are built to breathe in and out: times we are engaged in a task, and times we simply reflect and consolidate our experience. Don’t sell yourself short – it’s okay to take a breath in.
Close relationships are the center of a happy life. And while each of us wants to feel connected to others, often our words, actions, and non-verbals don’t seem to pull us closer to others. I want to talk about “passive questions” – a kind of interaction that can be tough to deal with in any relationship. Let’s talk about what a passive question is, how we tend to fall prey to passive questions, and how we can understand them differently so we can help restore conflict.
Spotting Passive Questions
A genuine question is something people ask with the desire to know more. Questions are based in curiosity and can feel collaborative and clarifying. A “passive question”, however, is an emotional statement hidden in question form. It’s not really a question. Here are some examples:
“What are you doing over there?”
“Why would you do that?”
“Can’t you see I’m trying?”
“Didn’t you know that would hurt me?”
The list goes on.
Giving in to Passive Questions
The first thing we feel pulled to do, almost compulsively, is to answer the passive question. But there’s something else that happens when we are asked a passive question. We risk engaging in a conversation without acknowledging our emotions. We might fire back with a passive response:
“What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know!”
“Why would you ask me that?”
This conversation can quickly spiral into a heated or cut-off exchange that doesn’t help us move forward.
Emotion that isn’t acknowledged is difficult to work with. We cannot have direct, reparative, and healthy interactions without understanding our emotions in a different way.
Why We Default to Passive Communication in Relationships
It’s easy to assume that when someone uses passive questions, they’re just being difficult or avoiding conflict. But usually, something deeper is going on.
Many of us learned early on that expressing needs directly wasn’t safe — maybe it led to rejection, shame, or being misunderstood. So instead, we learned to hint. To test. To ask sideways.
Passive communication often starts as a survival tool. It helps us feel a sense of control when we fear the truth might be too much — too vulnerable, too risky. It’s less about manipulation and more about fear: “If I say what I really mean, will they still accept me?”
So if you notice yourself asking passive questions, pause before criticizing. Ask yourself:
“What need am I trying to express — but feel unsure I’m allowed to?”
“What old fear is making directness feel unsafe here?”
That’s the heart of the work in avoiding questions psychology relationships and stopping passive in relationships.
Understanding Passive Questions
A passive question is a way of expressing a scary emotion. For some of us, certain emotions were handled poorly in our earliest relationships. We learned that our anxiety, or anger, or sadness would overwhelm our parents or drive them away. The child learns not to talk about these emotions, but to instead push them out of awareness to avoid upsetting or destroying the relationship.
So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express. They ask the question to try to not push you away with their anger, anxiety, or sadness. Instead of naming and feeling their emotion, a passive question places the asker in the back seat of their emotional experience. It also places the receiver in a conflicted place – trying to intuit the emotion of the asker, and also trying to answer the question, not authentically, but in a way to help calm the asker down.
So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express.
Examples of Replacing Passive Questions with Direct Expression
Learning to name what we feel takes practice — and courage. Here are some everyday examples of how you might shift a passive question into something more open and honest:
Passive Question
Direct Expression
“Why would you say that?”
“When I heard that, it stung. Can we talk about it?”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“I’m feeling ignored right now. I need your attention.”
“Don’t you think that was a little much?”
“That upset me, and I’d like to share why.”
“How would you feel if I did that?”
“That hurt me, and I want to understand what happened.”
These shifts aren’t just about words. They’re about choosing connection over protection. When we speak this way, we feel seen. Understood. Trusted.
How Should I Handle Passive Questions?
Flag. A healthy response starts with recognizing and understanding the passive question as an expression of an emotional need, rather than a direct attack of your behavior.
Time out. Try slowing the conversation down: “ok, time out” or “I think something just happened there”.
Tell the story. Notice and describe what you saw happen in the interaction and also within you. “I was trying to help you with the plates, and when I reached over you asked me that question. I feel ashamed, like I did something wrong.”
Invite the scary emotion. With your understanding that this could be a scary emotion for the asker to express directly, invite it: “You sound angry” or “I want you to tell me what happened for you”
This is no easy task. It’s hard to change an emotional pattern between two people. It’s easier to not rock the boat. It takes courage, empathy, and self-control. But my sense is, if we never rock the boat, passive expressions and responses continue to cause difficulty and disconnection in relationship.
Following the steps above might be just what your relationship needs in order to start having a different, more direct, conversation.
I want to help you move in this direction. Let’s set up an initial free consultation so we can talk about how passive questions impact your relationships and how you’d like to change.
Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationship Health
Communication isn’t just about getting through hard conversations. It’s about building a foundation of emotional safety — a space where both people can bring their whole selves.
When passive questions dominate a relationship, resentment quietly builds. Misunderstandings stack up. The connection starts to feel brittle, like walking on eggshells. But when we practice being clear and kind at the same time, something changes. We feel seen. Understood. Trusted.
Direct communication doesn’t guarantee conflict-free relationships — but it does create the soil for something lasting. Something honest.
And that’s the kind of relationship we all want — one where we don’t have to hide behind half-asked questions just to feel okay.
Passive questions are emotional statements disguised as inquiries, like “Why would you do that?” to express frustration indirectly; they avoid direct confrontation but build resentment by hiding true feelings.
How to stop asking passive questions in a relationship?
Recognize passive questions as hidden emotions and replace them with direct expressions like “That upset me—can we talk?”; practice pausing to name your feelings for honest, connecting dialogue.
How to respond to passive aggressive questions?
Flag the passive question as an emotional cue and slow the conversation with “Time out—what just happened?”; invite the underlying feeling openly to shift from defense to understanding.
Why do people use passive questions?
People use passive questions due to learned fears from early relationships where direct emotions felt unsafe, leading to indirect hints for control; it stems from vulnerability avoidance rather than manipulation.
What are examples of passive aggressive questions?
Examples include “Why would you say that?” (hiding hurt) or “Are you even listening?” (expressing ignored feelings); they mask vulnerability, sparking spirals instead of resolution.
How to stop being passive aggressive in communication?
Shift from passive aggression by owning emotions directly, like “I’m feeling ignored” instead of hints; reflect on fears of rejection to build courage for authentic exchanges.
What causes passive questions in relationships?
Passive questions arise from early experiences where expressing needs led to shame or rejection, creating survival habits; they provide illusory control but erode trust over time.
How does passive communication affect relationships?
Passive communication builds unspoken resentment and misunderstandings, leading to heated conflicts or emotional distance; it hinders genuine connection by avoiding vulnerable, direct sharing.
Signs of passive aggressive behavior in relationships?
Signs include indirect hints like sarcastic questions, quick shutdowns without explanation, or evading accountability; these foster cycles of frustration and weaken relational bonds.
Anxiety can be overwhelming. Though we all feel stress, anxiety disorders can cause a person to become agitated, restless, or excessively worried over something others may see as small. Anxiety can come in many forms, whether it’s
Feeling your heart pound and palms sweat
Negative self-talk
Avoiding social situations
Difficulty sleeping and calming down
Racing thoughts and difficulty concentrating
You may not know whether what you are feeling is typical stress, or signs of an anxiety disorder, and that feeling of not knowing brings its own discomfort and additional stress.
When we don’t know, we google.
And when we google, we can find that there are many types of anxiety, as well as other disorders in which anxiety plays a part. If you weren’t feeling anxious before, you may feel even more anxious as you flip through online pages of diagnosis after diagnosis. There are some online anxiety tests, and they can be helpful as a starting place to help learn more about anxiety, and to see whether it may be helpful for you to seek professional help. However, online tests have limits.
You’re probably feeling more anxious than normal when you read through a list of symptoms or diagnoses, and that may impact how you answer the questions. Secondly, sometimes the way things are written is not clear. For example, these quiz questions often ask about how often a symptom occurs without providing context – how often is “often” or “sometimes”? Lastly, even if an online quiz can tell you with 100% certainty that you have an anxiety disorder, it may not be able to link you to treatment with a quality mental health professional, nor provide treatment recommendations that are tailored to best fit you.
Pros of Taking an Online Anxiety Test
Learn basic information about anxiety.
Get a starting point to understand your own emotions
First easy step toward deeper self understanding
Free, or low cost.
Cons of Taking an Online Anxiety Test
Possible misdiagnosis
General, often not validated (accurate) questions
Not able to recommend appropriate treatment
Difficulty understanding results
Incomplete, limited results or insights
Knowing yourself is a key part of understanding how to take care of yourself, but figuring yourself out can be a complicated and uncomfortable process. I’ll explain a few ways to get started on your own, as well as ways we can help.
Take an anxiety quiz or read an article online
Though they have their limits, those online anxiety tests can help us start to learn the lingo around anxiety and start to get some ideas about ourselves. There’s a lot of them out there, so I would begin with any that come from any reputable clinics or universities. For example, here’s a page from Mayo Clinic on common signs of anxiety, or an article from Harvard on the difference between stress and anxiety. In terms of quizzes, this quiz from Mindspot gets around the “how often” problem by providing more concrete terms, which may help you be more exact about your symptoms. I also like this one from ADDitude, which provides more detail about what each of these symptoms means.
Start a Journal
Often our thoughts and feelings happen so fast that we have a hard time organizing them. Journaling is a great way to slow down our minds and put our complex thoughts, feelings, and patterns out on to paper. It doesn’t have to follow a standard format. For some people, just simple bullet points with their thoughts and feelings about a situation can be helpful to start to see patterns. Find a format that works for you and work to integrate it into your regular routine. This can also help you see if your anxiety tends to happen in any kind of pattern, as well as help you answer those pesky “often” and “sometimes” questions with more accuracy. When you write, reflect by asking yourself:
When did I start feeling this way?
What events today contributed to how I’m feeling now?
What feelings do these words communicate?
How much do these feelings affect my well-being, on a scale from 1-10?
Consider psychological testing
At Here Counseling, we provide quality psychological testing that can help you better understand what makes you tick. Psychological testing is a professional service that uses empirically validated measures to draw conclusions about your emotions and behaviors.
Our professionals will explore with you your concerns about anxiety, design a set of tests tailored to your needs, and provide personalized and concrete recommendations to help you with your anxiety. These tests can provide so much more than a quick online quiz, as we conduct a thorough interview to see patterns in your anxiety or in your history, look at other personality traits that may contribute to anxiety or be sources of strength to help you combat anxiety, and check for any other concerns that could be linked to anxiety. Let’s understand how psychological testing works.
Initial interview. A psychologist will ask you about the questions you want answered about yourself. These can range from questions about a specific diagnosis, such as ADHD or Bipolar II, to questions about your personality and relationship patterns.
Testing. You’ll come back in for a few hours of testing in which the psychologist will help you complete hand-picked, curated measures that together create a cohesive picture of your functioning.
Report writing. The psychologist writes a report with significant findings from the measures and draws conclusions in order to clearly shed light on the testing question.
Feedback session. The psychologist will sit down and explain the results of the test, and also recommend next steps for accommodation or treatment.
Having a professional working with you to give you accurate and helpful information has the potential to transform your life and move you closer toward your goals. It takes the pressure off of you to figure out the problem, so that you can take the right steps forward toward healing, health, and wholeness. Reach out today, we’re here to help.
Ashley Holcomb
Ashley provides psychotherapy and testing in our downtown Los Angeles office.
