Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder playing with father
Managing emotions, Parenting

Calming Your Child’s Fear about the Fires

Written by Connor McClenahan

With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again. 

Why Do Children Fear Fire?

A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).

How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?

1. Listen for Specific Fears

The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.

You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.

2. Talk through Big Feelings

Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.

For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.

3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire

Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.

For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire. 

Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe.  Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.

4. Reduce Exposure to the News

The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.

As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!

Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire

Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.

When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless

Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.

Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)

Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:

  • Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.”
    Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
  • Mistake: Sharing too many details.
    Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
  • Mistake: Letting news play constantly.
    Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.

FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children

Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:

  • What are signs my child is afraid of fire?
    Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
  • How can I teach fire safety without scaring them?
    Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
  • When should I get professional help?
    If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.

Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire

For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:

Our Pasadena Therapists
Psychological Assessment

Read More
Managing emotions

Dissolve Self-Criticism with these 3 steps

Written by Here Counseling

You find yourself having grace and patience with people in your life but when it comes to giving those gifts to yourself… you are sure out of luck. As the current of life continues on it’s quick, unforgiving pace it is easy to be swept up in rigid expectations of self; expectations to be the most gracious mother, the most lovable husband, the most understanding employee.

But if we fail, cue the downward spiral of negative self talk.

How you talk to yourself matters…

When we think harsh and negative thoughts about ourselves, we fail to acknowledge our humanness. Sounds silly right? But how many times do you simply assume your energy will keep up with a calendar full of events and then get irritated when it doesn’t? We are so busy “doing” that we forget that

  1. We are only human and
  2. Other factors may be looming in the background

Like that hard phone call you took last week that is depleting you of your joy. Or that miscarriage ten years ago that still leaves you with feelings of isolation and defeat. Or that promotion you were passed up for that follows you around like a shadow. 

When you take a step back, take into account all factors of your “here and now,” it may give you the chance to softly say “I am only human.” The way you talk to yourself matters and being gentle with your thoughts could give you freedom to ultimately feel, heal, and deal.

Could you imagine…

Could you imagine what your life would look like if you offered a little bit of grace to yourself? To-do lists are stacked high and people are depending on you but at the end of the day, you remain human, a human that is only capable of so much.

Being more gracious with yourself will bring awareness to the fact that you are a human being with emotions, breaking points and capacities. Allow space for the ebb and flow of navigating the complexity of each day so that unrealistic expectations of self can be lowered.

So where do we start? Here are a few ways to be more gracious with yourself.

1. Acknowledge what’s on your plate.

Grab a pen and paper and make a list of all the stress-inducing things on your mind. Make sure to analyze all aspects of life: family, friends, health, work, faith, romance, social circles, recreational activities, finances, etc.

Now, take a step back and look at this list. If you were consoling a friend with this list, what might you tell them? Jot that down at the bottom of the page.

Would you reassure them that there is A LOT on their plate? Maybe tell them to have some grace with themselves? Try to acknowledge that you too, have many things to attend to and you are doing the very best that you can in this moment. You are only human.

2. Learn to forgive yourself.

Rumination is a term used to describe when an individual is “stuck” on a hurtful offense by another person and continues to replay the offense without offering up true forgiveness. This act of rumination has been linked to individuals developing anxiety, depression and eating disorders (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2011). This unhealthy coping mechanism does not serve you in a positive way.

Any past regret or mistake that was made, intentionally or unintentionally, you were doing the best that you could with the cognitive tools you had in that moment; you were learning. It is now a lesson learned. The best way to defeat a mistake made, is to try and make sure that lesson does not go unlearned in the future. Forgive yourself and find freedom from rumination. Remember, again, you are only human.

3. Celebrate the small victories.

You may not be where you want to be yet. However, look at the small steps you are making towards that goal. Set aside time today to share your small victories with a close friend, a spouse, or loved ones. Sometimes we need words of encouragement from others and sometimes we simply need to be our own cheerleader and celebrate the personal achievements. Not all things can be done perfectly, all at one time. Life is complex with many moving parts but make time to celebrate the small victories, they matter.

Mandi Duncan, CMHC Trainee
Mandi Duncan, CMHC Trainee

I help people with depression find new habits that provide hope.

LEARN ABOUT MANDI

Read More
COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy at Home: Moving through Meaninglessness

Written by Here Counseling

During quarantine, many of us have felt not like ourselves, including feeling unproductive, lonely, bored, easily emotional, or lacking in meaning. To understand why this may be, we’re going to review Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow theorized that we are initially motivated by the lowest or most basic need. As those needs are met, we move up the hierarchy to more complex needs. However, if a need is not met, the motivation for that need increases until it is met, and it will end up taking our focus away from higher levels.

Before we review these needs, take a moment and brainstorm what are the top things that are taking your energy right now, or maybe another way of phrasing it would be your top worries. We’ll use the list to see where on the hierarchy those worries fall.

Our first needs are physiological, such as food, shelter, and water. Many of us, I hope, are still doing ok here. The next one is safety, which focuses on stability, employment, finances, health, resources. I’m going to guess your list had a lot of these kinds of problems on it. Our resources have changed, our employment has changed, we may be in financial risk, and we may feel scared of getting sick.

The coronavirus has caused most of us to focus on this basic need. That means a lot of our energy and motivation will be on trying to resolve these issues. Hopefully we can take advantage of some of that motivation to resolve what we can in terms of reviewing finances and making smart hygiene choices. However, some of the issues we can’t resolve, like finding a cure or ending a shelter-in-place order, which means our motivation and focus will get stuck here. That also means we will have less motivation for needs higher up on the hierarchy.

The next need is love, belonging, friendship, and connection. This may be hard to access right now for some. We may find ourselves fighting with loved ones more often, or feeling like we are lonely and struggle to feel connected with others. You may not have as much motivation or energy to put into those relationships.

The next few are esteem, cognitive needs (meaning to feel curious, want to explore or learn), and aesthetic needs (meaning to appreciate beauty). This entails feeling good about ourselves, or feeling confident and strong. When we’re here, engaging in work or a preferred activity feels fun, freeing, and like it’s building you up. If we don’t have motivation to explore, grow, or work, it may be harder to get things done. That may lead to feeling stressed and incompetent, or bored and unfulfilled by those tasks that usually give you energy.

Lastly is self-actualization and transcendence, which involves seeking to be the best version of ourselves, or finding meaning in the world around us. This may include spiritual journeys or exploring questions of identity. Again, without as much energy or motivation to go here, you may feel disappointed in what feels like a lack of growth in these areas.

So what do we do about it?

If so much of our energy is now being diverted to feeling safe, and we can’t change a lot of what’s making us feel unsafe, how do we move forward?

Firstly, I would invite you to be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling. I think that’s hard for many of us, because we have a certain standard of accomplishment that we hold ourselves to, and kindness can feel like weakness. I would challenge you to push back against that standard by remembering that this is a completely unprecedented event in your life. It’s ok to be upset, it’s ok to do less, and it’s ok to be kind to yourself.

The next thing I’m going to invite you to do is to find other ways of helping you feel safe. Remember when you were a kid, and you got scared, maybe from a nightmare? What did you seek? Again, take a moment and jot down some things you may have turned to.

When you’re looking at your list, maybe you wrote down the warm comfort of a blanket or favorite stuffed animal. Maybe it was a cup of hot cocoa and a favorite movie. A favorite song, smell, or taste. We are usually soothed by connecting with our five senses. One way of dealing with feeling unsafe would be to find a physical way of coping.

The other thing you probably did is you went to a safe person, like your parent or a sibling. Though love and belonging is the next need above safety, I think it’s worth putting in that extra effort to connect with the life-giving relationships in your life. Social support is a key way of coping in difficult times. This may not be the time to try and reconcile with a difficult family member, but it’s a great time to call friends and family who make you feel loved and safe, and for whom you can provide that in return.

Lastly, it’s important that we remind ourselves that this is not our reality forever. It can be easy to forget that these feelings will end, and so will this pandemic. Maybe write down a reminder somewhere you will see it – this too shall pass.

Maybe as I’ve reviewed these ideas today, you got stuck somewhere along the way. Maybe it was difficult to think of things that calm you, or you could only think of things that have some negative consequences attached, like emotional eating or substance use.
Maybe you struggled to get past that self-critical voice telling you to do more. Maybe you’ve noticed that the conflict in your relationships has gotten to be more than you can handle. If that’s you, reach out for therapy today. Yes, this will pass, but it doesn’t have to be so difficult, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

We’re all in this together. This too shall pass.

Read More
Managing emotions

Therapy from Home: Working Through Depression

Written by Connor McClenahan

Too often, depression is dismissed as sadness. When this happens, people who are depressed receive trite and unhelpful comments:

  • “You’re just feeling sad”
  • “You just need to get out”
  • “Just look on the bright side”
  • “Just go exercise”

Depression is different than sadness

Sadness is a common, everyday emotion. We feel sadness when we’re aware of having lost something important to us, from an object to a relationship.

Depression is different than sadness. Depression is usually experienced as an overwhelming cloud of bleakness, where the person has no energy, feels little pleasure, feels hopeless about the future, and also can have feelings of shame and anger about feeling this way.

Why am I depressed?

People are depressed for 2 primary reasons: your genetic set-point and your life circumstances.

Endogenous depression

Endogenous depression is your genetic set-point. This accounts for 50% of the variability in your depression. Because of the way some people process the neurotransmitter serotonin, they are more prone to feel down, isolated, and lower energy.

Exogenous Depression

Exogenous depression is depression that’s related to contextual issues. Rather than endogenous depression that comes from within the person, exogenous depression comes from someone’s lived experience. Some examples are a recent divorce, losing a loved one, or a recent cross country move.

Exogenous depression also has to do with past experiences that can impact a person. Some examples are a neglectful or punishing parent, or repeated trauma like bullying.

Depression is a tug-o-war

Depression is like a tug-o-war. Depression has to do with two parts of us – two internal voices – that can get stuck in conflict. These two parts are sadness and shame.

The “sadness” part of depression usually starts the tug-o-war. Sadness is usually triggered by loss or loneliness. It’s a natural response that makes us want to curl up, cry, slow down. As all emotions are relationship signals, sadness is meant to help others see our loss and respond with compassion. When we feel sad, we’re signaling to others: “I’m not okay, please slow down and comfort me”.

The “shame” part of depression is a voice inside us that feels frustrated, even disgusted, by our being sad. It might say things like, “cut it out” or “stop being weak.” It’s sometimes embarrassed by the sadness, like it somehow knows that being sad doesn’t end well.

These two voices pull hard against the tug-o-war rope, and have difficulty actually regulating – or resolving – the emotion. If the normal course of sadness is like a rollercoaster that goes up, plateaus, then resolves, then the normal course of depression is a sadness that isn’t able to be resolved because of the harsh shame response.

So what do I do?

My first suggestion is to follow along in the video and try the exercise. My hope is that this exercise gives you more understanding and clarity about your own experience of depression.

Too often we’re given easy answers for depression. We’re told to just get up, to watch some motivational puppy video, to just go on a run, or to change our diet. If we listen hard, we can see how these superficial suggestions can sound suspiciously like the internal shame voice we hear too often.

Real change involves understanding ourselves in new ways. Maybe this was new for you to slow down long enough to listen and hear those 2 different voices inside you. If that is the case, give yourself a deep full breath of gratitude.

That awareness is the seed of true change in life. It’s the compassionate response you’ve needed when you’ve had moments of true loss in your life. It’s in these moments of compassionate awareness that we’re able to move a bit out of our depressive experience and into hopefulness again.

Therapy from Home

This is part of our ongoing series during this difficult time, to help you grow in self-awareness and self-care even as you find yourself stuck indoors. So as you go into your day, your evening, whether it’s in the chaos of essential work or in the chaos of home quarantine, know that there’s space for you to grow and to thrive.

Each of our therapists offer video therapy in the state of California, and are here to help.

Read More
Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy from Home: Practicing Serenity During Quarantine Chaos

Written by Here Counseling

When faced with what we cannot control, we can often feel stressed, aimless, and defeated. Sometimes we then try numbing ourselves with things like junk food, Netflix, or alcohol. A single chocolate bar won’t hurt, but relying on these to cope can end up leading to bigger problems long term in terms of dependency issues or not reaching our goals.

In these times of difficulty, I’ve found myself turning to an old saying: seeking to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Some of my material is adapted from Marsha Linehan’s work on Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can find more of her material on her website.

If you can solve it, solve it

When we feel defeated, we need some wins. So ask yourself – what are some small things I can change today to make my world a little better?

We can also do a lot to help in terms of our physical health – and being physically unwell can make us more vulnerable to intense emotion. Try:

• Balancing your eating, and limiting binge snacking
• Setting up a sleep routine
• Limiting or avoiding substance use
• Take any medications prescribed to you
• Go on a walk or exercise at home
• Reach out to a friend who you can confide in, or a friend who makes you laugh

It can be easy to get stuck

Sometimes when people face tough problems, they feel upset, but they don’t do anything to help themselves feel better, or they act impulsively and hurt themselves or others. This is also going to keep you stuck in even more pain and suffering than you were in before, and keep you from moving forward.

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

If we can’t make things better, and we don’t want to make things worse, we are left with accepting reality as it is. Sometimes we mix up acceptance and complacency, or giving up.

Acceptance does not mean:
• That you like it
• That you deserve it
• That you don’t try to change what you can

Acceptance means we open our hands and our hearts to whatever the day may bring: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We allow the world to be as it is, instead of numbing ourselves so we don’t see it.

Don’t do this alone

Now is the time to come together with loved ones. Reach out to a trusted friend, check in on your family members, and get in contact with a therapist, especially if you’re finding yourself using impulsive actions or numbing to get through quarantine. We’re all in this together – reach out today.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
Read More
COVID, Managing emotions

COVID-19 Helpful Blog Articles

Written by Here Counseling

This post is a list of blogs that I’ve come across and thought were worth sharing. I’ve included a brief snapshot of each article and organized them by topic. I’ll continue to update this page as I come across articles worth sharing. Also, be sure to check out blog posts from the clinicians at Here Counseling.

Working from Home

6 Relationship Tips From a Therapist on Dealing With Covid-19 Stress

A couples therapist in SF describes how common problems arise from being in close proximity with your significant other for extended periods of time. She writes that these common problems are exacerbated by the stress and anxiety of the COVID-19 epidemic, and she provides 6 excellent suggestions for how to navigate the stress and proximity together. Getting ahead of the virus’ potential impact on our relationships should be part of any good coronavirus readiness plan, so this is a great article to help with adapting.

How To Be A Happy And Productive Remote Worker

This blog is pretty id-depth and will appeal to those who are in middle management, as well as a team member. It comes from the folks at Trello, who has their entire team working remotely and are very experienced in it (they even wrote a book about it and it link it at the bottom of the blog, if you want a copy). This is a great article if you think you might be working from home for the next couple of months or longer.

A Remote Work Guide, For Parents

Also from the Trello team, this blog is one of the better ones I’ve read for parents working from home. The author discusses how to manage your children’s expectations about their parents being at home and develop great routines. My favorite suggestion is one my clients / patients hear from me a lot: wake up at the same time everyday. Maintaining routines requires extra effort but it is even more important when there is less accountability. 

Does Remote Work Increase Our Risk Of Impostor Syndrome?

Last one from Trello (they have a great blog with more you can check out at blog.trello.com)! Moving to remote work is an adjustment in our personal routines but it is also an adjustment in how we view workplace etiquitte and time management. This blog does a great job presenting these problems and providing useful solutions. For instance, if you’re struggling with writing an email for fear of your tone being misunderstood, see if you can schedule a quick FaceTime to get the message across the way you’re most comfortable.

Emotional Wellbeing

Five Ways to View Coverage of the Coronavirus

This blog comes from the American Psychological Association and is brief and to the point. It is a great read for folks feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Five Easy Ways You and Your Family Can Fight Stress During the Coronavirus Outbreak

This blog introduces the “COVID-19 Five-a-day,” which, as the author puts it, “is a set of five daily goals that you and your family can implement, based on global research on resilience and coping with adversity.” Tips provided in this blog are based on research from the effects of isolation, and if you want to find out more, there is a link at the bottom of the webpage.

Talking to Children about Illness

This is a fantastic guide released by the British Psychological Association that details how to discuss the Coronavirus with your children. It details the needs of children at different developmental stages, what they may say or do, and exactly what you an do to help. This guide is for parents of children age 0-18. Also look at this article and video from our very own Ashley Holcomb, PsyD about how to talk to your children about the coronavirus.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD

I help people with depression feel less weighed down, and more in control of their emotions, so they can feel relief.

LEARN ABOUT MATT
Read More
Managing emotions, Testing and Assessment

Depression Test – Is this depression?

Written by Here Counseling

Everyone goes through difficult seasons of life, but there is a difference between a bad season and an episode of depression.  Do you know the signs of depression?

Depression is one of the most common mental health diagnoses in the United States, with an estimated 17.3 million adults and 3.3 million adolescents having had least one depressive episode in 2017 (NIMH).  Despite being so prevalent, a depressive episode can be one of the most isolating times in a person’s life, and its impacts can be far-reaching and devastating.

What is depression?

Though there are different kinds of depression, most depression begins with a similar set of symptoms.

Common symptoms may include:

  • Feeling sad, empty, and/ or irritable
  • Not feeling interested in things you once enjoyed, like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and/ or sex
  • Difficulty getting things done, following through on tasks, and/ or focusing
  • Trouble with sleep, appetite, weight, and/or fatigue
  • Thoughts of hurting yourself

(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 2013)

Who can give me a depression test?

Though you may be able to recognize these signs for yourself, it may be helpful to get a diagnosis from a therapist or doctor.  According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 35% of adults and 60% of adolescents never get treatment for depression.  Talking to a professional about your diagnosis can help you get a diagnosis and then get linked to treatment.

Because there are different types of depression, an online depression test may not be able to help you understand what you are experiencing or what to do next.  A depression test with a professional may help provide those answers and next steps.

If depression is common, do I really need treatment?

Despite being so common, depression can have a massive impact on your daily life, leading to:

  • Missing work/ school
  • Not making deadlines for work/ school
  • Feeling disconnected from loved ones
  • Not making progress or keeping up with other valued life areas, like finances
  • Turning to substance use to try and stop the pain

In turn, these problems lead to a negative response from the people around you.  This criticism, and the feeling of falling more and more behind, can start to feel like you’re never going to get out.

What do I do if I think I have depression or want a depression test?

There are a lot of successful treatments for depression, including different types of talk therapy and medication.  But sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.

  • Reach out to a therapist today to schedule a session and learn more about if depression treatment may be helpful for you
  • Talk to your doctor about whether you are a candidate for medication, as well as the pros and cons of medications

For some of you, it may be helpful to request testing for depression.  A depression test may be helpful for those of you who:

  • You are not sure if you are experiencing depression
  • You see some of your symptoms here, but don’t think depression is the full picture
  • You’ve been in treatment for depression, but aren’t seeing the progress you like

Reach out today to start your journey toward healing by scheduling an initial therapy appointment or a depression test.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
Read More
COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Your Brain on COVID-19

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling unsure of how to respond in times like these can lead to panicky decisions while we seek control in an out of control world. In this blog, I respond to a CNBC article about the panic-shopping and panic-investing we are witnessing. I’ll go over the processes underlying our behavior and how you can help yourself cope.

Hoarding Hoardes

In this article published by CNBC, the author discusses how panic leads to problematic decisions like hoarding and divesting from the stock market. The author found out that the panic sweeping the nation in grocery stores and the stock market is a result of human behavior during panic. In times of panic, we seek to preserve ourselves by hoarding necessities and pulling our cash out of investments. If the behavior seems primitive, it’s because it is. We are using a brain that dates back about 150,000 years and trying to use it to cope and decide about markets that are only about 100 years old and a society that is less than 250 years old. It is worsened by the fact that fear can be contagious, so if you see someone piling up canned goods, it sends off fear signals in your brain that you may be the one without if you don’t act quickly. According to the article, it is best to sit down and take stock of your emotions and separate from your decision-making by talking to experts, such as a financial planner. They may be able to provide rationality or have experience in sharp economic downturns. 

It’s All Normal to Feel

You’ve probably felt your heart start racing or palms sweating as you started to look for your car keys and reusable grocery bags in a last ditch effort to get what you can at the grocery. Maybe you’ve thought of cashing out of the stock market or pulling cash out of the bank. It’s all normal to feel but the big problem is thinking we’ve made the best decision when to pull out cash or hoard toilet paper.

As the article mentions, our brains are an old system that dates back about 150,000 years ago. If you can imagine a primitive human staring in awe, mouth agape, at a TV displaying cable news of the COVID-19 crisis (let’s assume the human speaks English), it is easy to also imagine that person frantically grabbing at necessities, pushing people over to get to them, and grunting to intimidate others. Fear is contagious and no one wants to be the one without enough supplies if circumstances become so dire.

When we acknowledge that we have the same brain, the panicky response of the masses seems more understandable.

Most people pulling money out of the bank or stock market are focusing on preserving what they have. This emotional reaction has the power to override an established financial plan and cause people to “get out.” Imagine our friend, the primitive human, with a pile of resources, seeing the panic on TV, and attempting to protect his pile – not too different from us, again.

Stockpiling is a legitimate coping response that will probably result in reducing your stress but only if done responsibly.

Ineffective Coping Makes Things Worse

Buying enough canned goods for a couple of weeks of self-quarantine is realistic, but racking up a credit card bill you cannot afford for food and toilet paper you cannot store is a poor choice that will lead to more stress and worry. Standing in line for hours at Costco talking to other people who are reacting to panic is likely increase your stress, too. Also, hoarding means there will be less for others, especially the vulnerable that aren’t able to travel to the store or afford to buy in large quantities.

6 Things You Can Do to Cope

  1. Talk to others. Take time to talk to others via FaceTime and gain other perspectives and socialize without leaving your house.
  2. Turn off news notifications on your phone. You have plenty of other things you can do on there. Play a game or do something more active, such as drawing or journaling.
  3. Limit watching the news on TV. Maybe you only watch the evening local news broadcast and leave it at that. Instead, watch movies or play video games.
  4. Visit the grocery at off-peak times. If you must go, go when fewer people will be there to reduce your panicky feelings. Go with a list and only buy what you need. Essentials will remain available, even in a major shutdown (i.e.: Spain)
  5. Talk to a therapist. You knew I would suggest it, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed we are here. I can’t make it all go away or run your errands but I can help you gain perspective and work on symptom management in the meantime.
  6. Explore your state’s COVID-19 website. For example, California (where I practice) has a website that helps folks understand how the government is responding and protecting your future. For those worried about their finances, the site includes details about paid leave and short-term disability options that can help calm financial worries.
Put simply, do not stimulate yourself with stressful images and words. It is one thing to be informed, it is another to be overwhelmed and inundated in a way our 150,000 year-old brains aren’t great at handling.

When to Seek Professional Help

Give the tips above a try and if you’re noticing yourself struggling to cope effectively it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. Connecting with another person that is nonjudgmental is an opportunity to reflect and honestly analyze your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Protecting the future for you and yours is a common reason people invest, so times like this feel existential. It’s important to check with your financial advisor about how to best stick to your plan or hire a financial planner to help develop a plan that includes contingencies for times like these. Writing down the things you are anxious about and seeing if there is a simple solution is useful step to take.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD
LEARN ABOUT MATT
Read More
Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions

Protecting Your Mental Health During the Coronavirus Era with the Help of Telehealth

Written by Here Counseling

Experiencing feelings of isolation, panicking about the scarcity of resources, and fearing for one’s health can be overwhelming during this time of uncertainty. Due to the threat of Coronavirus, we are being forced to alter the way we interact with colleagues, friends, and family, shifting our work and social schedules. Meetings and gatherings have been postponed or outright canceled. Many people are spending much more time in their own homes. This leaves a gap. We are, at our core, inherently social, and loneliness can be as overwhelming as any other trauma.

We need connection, and we can feel when it’s missing.

Working from home is fast becoming a best practice for minimizing the potential spread of COVID-19 within the workplace. However, such a drastic change to your daily routine, coupled with the constant news cycle updates, can put a strain on your mental health.

Rather than waiting to see a therapist “until things calm down,” it is worth exploring an emerging alternative to coming into a therapist’s office – Telehealth.

Teletherapy helps you maintain mental health

For years, telehealth (or teletherapy) has improved access to care for clients with mobility challenges and for those who live too far to travel to their preferred therapist. Now, teletherapy is becoming increasingly relevant as the number of remote workers, or people working from home, is surging.

Teletherapy reduces travel time to and from your therapist’s office, which makes it more convenient for the working professional. It also offers the benefit of being in a comfortable and familiar environment, which can often be helpful for self-expression and reflection. 

HIPAA Compliant Teletherapy Offers Security

Some are reluctant to try teletherapy because they feel that something would be missing from a face to face interaction. With a clear camera and high quality internet connection, we find that, in practice, clients get just as much out of remote therapy as in-person. Others may be concerned about privacy. If this is a concern, make sure your therapist is using a HIPAA Compliant service, like Spruce Health or SimplePractice, that offers a secure connection. This way your data is protected. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by COVID-19, give me a call. I am a psychologist, and I can help you learn coping skills that will give you peace of mind during this challenging time. I also offer teletherapy sessions using a HIPAA compliant system.

Crystal Clements, PhD
Crystal Clements, PhD

I help people overcome depression and anxiety and experience empowerment in their daily lives.

LEARN ABOUT CRYSTAL

Read More
Managing emotions

5 Ways to Get the Rest You Need this Week, and 4 Things Getting in the Way

Written by Connor McClenahan

There’s a stigma against rest.

Rest is seen as lazy, unproductive, and weak. In a culture that prizes 60 hour work weeks as a sign of productivity, we can often see tiredness and overwhelm as obstacles in our path. When we feel tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, we reach for a cup of coffee to pull ourselves back on track.

Yet if not listened to, our need for rest will ring louder and louder.

Our bodies have natural limits, and when we deny them, it sounds an alarm louder and louder. Ignored anxiety can quickly turn to panic. Ignored tiredness can quickly turn into a cold.

So why is it so hard to listen? And how can you get the rest you need?

What Can Prevent Us From Resting

All kinds of things get in the way of us getting the rest we need.

  1. Guilt. Sometimes our minds get ahead of us. We ignore signals to rest because we feel bad about stopping. We’re concerned others will think we’re lazy or not doing enough.
  2. Productivity. American culture values doing over being, working over rest. We often believe we are more productive when we “do” more tasks.
  3. Anxiety. We’re sometimes reluctant to rest because of some fear. Worrying about deadlines or the amount of work before us can keep us from taking a moment to rest. 
  4. Pleasure. Sometimes we find our pleasure in being needed, so we keep working. We ignore our body’s signals because the payload of having others depend upon us is greater than the benefits we receive from rest.

You’ve Been Resting Wrong

When we get overwhelmed or feel overworked, our first thought is: “I need a break”. We sigh and push back from the desk, and flip out our phones. The assumed idea is if we simply stop doing what we’re doing we will end up feeling better. The problem is, this half-true assumption leads to some pseudo-restful behaviors that leave us unsatisfied.

Things we do to rest that aren’t really restful:

  • Watching TV
  • Checking our phones
  • Social Media
  • Eating
  • Switching tasks

The problem is, these things almost never give us the rest we’re looking for. Yes, they can be a way to pull back from work, but we’re usually left with the same tightness in our chests (anxiety), feel bad for wasting time (guilt), and get back to work (productivity). It’s like we pushed the pause button on our anxiety, only to pick back up right where we left off.

A New Way to Think about ‘Rest’

So why aren’t these things restful? Because the idea that resting means “taking a break” doesn’t hold up neurologically. When we become overwhelmed, anxious, or tired, our bodies aren’t simply telling us “stop doing this task”. So let’s take a look at a term that might better describe what it is we’re wanting when we need rest:

Rest is Passive processing.

Your mind has two different modes of activity. In fact, there is no time at which your brain is simply stagnant or turned off. We are always engaged in some kind of processing, and understanding what those are will help us understand what you’re needing when you want to rest.

  • Active processing. This is task mode. Your mind is actively engaged in solving or understanding a certain task. 
  • Passive processing. This is reflection mode. In this mode your mind is actively pulling together and making sense of your experiences. You’re reflecting, understanding, and making meaning.

You mind is always in one of these two modes. Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more-so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.

Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.

The best and most refreshing kind of rest happens when we allow our minds to ease into passive processing. It’s only when we do this that we are fully ready to engage in the task at hand. 

Picture a person lifting weights. They do a hard set, then pause to rest. The rest is not simply inaction. There are all kinds of transactions happening within the muscle that help it flush out and repair, getting the muscle ready for the next task. We are designed to experience a natural ebb and flow between task and reflection.

The question then becomes, “How can I rest better?” The better we are at passive processing, the more refreshed and able we are to engage in active processing.

5 Ways to “Passively Process” and Get the Rest You Need

  1. Don’t check your media. This needs to be said first. Often our times of vital passive processing are taken by the impulse to check our phones, Facebook, Instagram, or blogs. This keeps our minds engaged in active processing, and away from the passive processing we need.
  2. Take a breath. Sounds simple, right? Take a step back from what you’re doing, and take 30 seconds to simply breathe. This kind of move is not simply “doing nothing”, it’s allowing your mind to engage in vital passive processing that will help you be ready to reengage later.
  3. Exercise. Aerobic exercise is just as healthy for your mind as it is your body. Being away from a desk or other tasks, you may find your mind is able to wander to what’s important to you, passively making meaning of your recent thoughts and experiences. 
  4. Friends. Talk with a friend. Go out to coffee. Let your thoughts wander as you ask about each other’s week and how they are doing. Notice what changes for you. These reflective conversations help us make meaning and consolidate our experience.
  5. Art. Creating art is a great way to intentionally process and make meaning. Adult coloring books seem to tap into our deep need for passive processing. Allow yourself to get lost in the art. Art is less about the final product, and more about the experience of self-expression.
  6. Therapy. You guessed it. Being a psychotherapist, I strongly believe in the role of psychotherapy in helping us experience a present, connected, and whole life. Therapy is often purely a passive process, helping you to pause and reflect upon what is happening in your life. Even as I write this blog, I’m still surprised at how much talking well with another person can change things. I encourage you to give it a try.

In a culture heavy with active processing, we need a little nudge to give us permission to rest – truly rest. Not unlike our lungs or heart, our brains are built to breathe in and out: times we are engaged in a task, and times we simply reflect and consolidate our experience. Don’t sell yourself short – it’s okay to take a breath in.

Our Pasadena Therapists
All Therapists

Read More