Managing emotions Archives

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Couples need to stop asking passive questions. Here’s what you can do instead

Close relationships are the center of a happy life. And while each of us wants to feel connected to others, often our words, actions, and non-verbals don’t seem to pull us closer to others. I want to talk about “passive questions” – a kind of interaction that can be tough to deal with in any relationship. Let’s talk about what a passive question is, how we tend to fall prey to passive questions, and how we can understand them differently so we can help restore conflict.

Spotting Passive Questions

A genuine question is something people ask with the desire to know more. Questions are based in curiosity and can feel collaborative and clarifying. A “passive question”, however, is an emotional statement hidden in question form. It’s not really a question. Here are some examples:

“What are you doing over there?”
“Why would you do that?”
“Can’t you see I’m trying?”
“Didn’t you know that would hurt me?”

The list goes on.

Giving in to Passive Questions

The first thing we feel pulled to do, almost compulsively, is to answer the passive question. But there’s something else that happens when we are asked a passive question. We risk engaging in a conversation without acknowledging our emotions. We might fire back with a passive response:

“What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know!”
“Why would you ask me that?”

This conversation can quickly spiral into a heated or cut-off exchange that doesn’t help us move forward.

Emotion that isn’t acknowledged is difficult to work with. We cannot have direct, reparative, and healthy interactions without understanding our emotions in a different way.

Why We Default to Passive Communication in Relationships

It’s easy to assume that when someone uses passive questions, they’re just being difficult or avoiding conflict. But usually, something deeper is going on.

Many of us learned early on that expressing needs directly wasn’t safe — maybe it led to rejection, shame, or being misunderstood. So instead, we learned to hint. To test. To ask sideways.

Passive communication often starts as a survival tool. It helps us feel a sense of control when we fear the truth might be too much — too vulnerable, too risky. It’s less about manipulation and more about fear: “If I say what I really mean, will they still accept me?”

So if you notice yourself asking passive questions, pause before criticizing. Ask yourself:

“What need am I trying to express — but feel unsure I’m allowed to?”
“What old fear is making directness feel unsafe here?”

That’s the heart of the work in avoiding questions psychology relationships and stopping passive in relationships.

Understanding Passive Questions

A passive question is a way of expressing a scary emotion. For some of us, certain emotions were handled poorly in our earliest relationships. We learned that our anxiety, or anger, or sadness would overwhelm our parents or drive them away. The child learns not to talk about these emotions, but to instead push them out of awareness to avoid upsetting or destroying the relationship.

So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express. They ask the question to try to not push you away with their anger, anxiety, or sadness. Instead of naming and feeling their emotion, a passive question places the asker in the back seat of their emotional experience. It also places the receiver in a conflicted place – trying to intuit the emotion of the asker, and also trying to answer the question, not authentically, but in a way to help calm the asker down.

So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express.

Examples of Replacing Passive Questions with Direct Expression

Learning to name what we feel takes practice — and courage. Here are some everyday examples of how you might shift a passive question into something more open and honest:

Passive Question	Direct Expression
“Why would you say that?”	“When I heard that, it stung. Can we talk about it?”
“Are you even listening to me?”	“I’m feeling ignored right now. I need your attention.”
“Don’t you think that was a little much?”	“That upset me, and I’d like to share why.”
“How would you feel if I did that?”	“That hurt me, and I want to understand what happened.”

These shifts aren’t just about words. They’re about choosing connection over protection. When we speak this way, we feel seen. Understood. Trusted.

How Should I Handle Passive Questions?

Flag. A healthy response starts with recognizing and understanding the passive question as an expression of an emotional need, rather than a direct attack of your behavior.
Time out. Try slowing the conversation down: “ok, time out” or “I think something just happened there”.
Tell the story. Notice and describe what you saw happen in the interaction and also within you. “I was trying to help you with the plates, and when I reached over you asked me that question. I feel ashamed, like I did something wrong.”
Invite the scary emotion. With your understanding that this could be a scary emotion for the asker to express directly, invite it: “You sound angry” or “I want you to tell me what happened for you”

This is no easy task. It’s hard to change an emotional pattern between two people. It’s easier to not rock the boat. It takes courage, empathy, and self-control. But my sense is, if we never rock the boat, passive expressions and responses continue to cause difficulty and disconnection in relationship.

Following the steps above might be just what your relationship needs in order to start having a different, more direct, conversation.

I want to help you move in this direction. Let’s set up an initial free consultation so we can talk about how passive questions impact your relationships and how you’d like to change.

Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationship Health

Communication isn’t just about getting through hard conversations. It’s about building a foundation of emotional safety — a space where both people can bring their whole selves.

When passive questions dominate a relationship, resentment quietly builds. Misunderstandings stack up. The connection starts to feel brittle, like walking on eggshells. But when we practice being clear and kind at the same time, something changes. We feel seen. Understood. Trusted.

Direct communication doesn’t guarantee conflict-free relationships — but it does create the soil for something lasting. Something honest.

And that’s the kind of relationship we all want — one where we don’t have to hide behind half-asked questions just to feel okay.

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FAQ: Passive Questions in Relationships

What are passive questions in a relationship?

Passive questions are emotional statements disguised as inquiries, like “Why would you do that?” to express frustration indirectly; they avoid direct confrontation but build resentment by hiding true feelings.

How to stop asking passive questions in a relationship?

Recognize passive questions as hidden emotions and replace them with direct expressions like “That upset me—can we talk?”; practice pausing to name your feelings for honest, connecting dialogue.

How to respond to passive aggressive questions?

Flag the passive question as an emotional cue and slow the conversation with “Time out—what just happened?”; invite the underlying feeling openly to shift from defense to understanding.

Why do people use passive questions?

People use passive questions due to learned fears from early relationships where direct emotions felt unsafe, leading to indirect hints for control; it stems from vulnerability avoidance rather than manipulation.

What are examples of passive aggressive questions?

Examples include “Why would you say that?” (hiding hurt) or “Are you even listening?” (expressing ignored feelings); they mask vulnerability, sparking spirals instead of resolution.

How to stop being passive aggressive in communication?

Shift from passive aggression by owning emotions directly, like “I’m feeling ignored” instead of hints; reflect on fears of rejection to build courage for authentic exchanges.

What causes passive questions in relationships?

Passive questions arise from early experiences where expressing needs led to shame or rejection, creating survival habits; they provide illusory control but erode trust over time.

How does passive communication affect relationships?

Passive communication builds unspoken resentment and misunderstandings, leading to heated conflicts or emotional distance; it hinders genuine connection by avoiding vulnerable, direct sharing.

Signs of passive aggressive behavior in relationships?

Signs include indirect hints like sarcastic questions, quick shutdowns without explanation, or evading accountability; these foster cycles of frustration and weaken relational bonds.

Anxiety, Managing emotions

Panic Attacks: Manage anxiety and return to calm

Written by Connor McClenahan

Panic attacks can be frightening and overwhelming. Many people worry about what’s happening to them, and they don’t know what to do to make it stop. We’re going to take you step by step through everything you need to know about anxiety, panic attacks, and some simple steps you can take (even today) to start resolving a panic attack.

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is a sudden, painful collection of anxiety symptoms. Panic attacks often involve extreme tightness in your chest, a fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, and intense fear. Many people mistake panic attacks for heart attacks. Most panic attacks last for 15-60 minutes. After the intense period of anxiety, the pain decreases, and people usually feel exhausted from the heightened state of arousal.

Panic attacks can be debilitating. Many people who experience panic attacks often worry about going out with friends, to work, social situations, or the grocery store. They worry they’ll have a panic attack in public and won’t be able to control their anxiety.

What Do Panic Attacks Feel Like?

Panic attacks come on quite quickly and can be extremely overwhelming. Here’s how people often describe their panic attacks:

I’m afraid. During a panic attack, you will likely experience debilitating fear or sheer terror.
I feel physically shaken. Panic attacks cause a variety of physical symptoms, including chest pain or discomfort, lightheadedness, or nausea.
I feel like I’m dying. Many people who have panic attacks describe feeling as though they are dying.
I can’t think straight. In the grip of a panic attack, you might have trouble making decisions or remembering simple things.
I’m afraid I’m going to have a panic attack in public. Many people who experience panic attacks often will avoid public spaces for fear that they’ll have an attack in public.

How Anxiety works in your body

Before we can understand panic attacks, we need to understand how your body is built to handle anxiety. Anxiety is not a bad or destructive feeling. In fact, anxiety is the body’s natural and helpful response to a threat in the environment. Anxiety is like a fire alarm that signals your body is feeling unsafe. The anxiety response follows a normal rising and falling path, like a river. Let’s take a look at what happens in your body when you feel anxiety, and how your body calms itself and returns to normal.

When your body senses a threat in the environment, your amygdala —the fear center of your brain—sends a signal down your spinal cord to your heart to increase its speed and tension. Your body then prepares to fight or run away, as if your life depended on it.
Your mind scans your body and notices there’s tension in your heart and muscles. It recognizes your tension as a response to something scary, and —if it’s not a life-threatening threat—begins to soothe itself.
Like a river, your mind flows down a familiar track for how to soothe anxiety. Depending on how you deal with anxiety, you might take a deep breath, remind yourself of your value, cry, tell yourself that it’s going to be okay, or ask for help. These skills are acquired by having care-givers who consistently respond with empathy and soothing to our anxiety. Essentially, those experiences created the river, the way we know how to sooth ourselves when we’re anxious.
While you soothe yourself, your vagus nerve stimulates your heart, slowing it down, releasing tension, and helping you feel open and collected again.
Part of the soothing process is that you’re able to recognize why you were anxious. Because you feel calm, you’re able sense of your life and learn about what you’re needing.

How Panic Attacks Work in your Body

With a panic attack, the above anxiety “river” gets short-circuited. Let’s take a look at what happens during a panic attack.

Similar to the anxiety response, the first signal of a panic attack is from your amygdala. Your body senses a threatin the environment and sends a signal down your spinal cord to increase your heart rate and prepare to fight or run away.
Your body then senses your tension in your heart. In a panic attack, you don’t recognize this tension as normal or helpful. Instead of soothing anxiety, the signal is ignored. The fire alarm is dismissed, not paid attention to. We often ignore the signal by working harder, by scrolling social media, by busying ourselves.
Because the anxiety isn’t soothed, it continues to build inside until a breaking moment: the threat overwhelms the coping strategies. If our normal anxiety response is a river, then a panic attack is like a dam that, after holding back too much water, breaks.
It’s hard for the body to remain in a panic state for long. After the period of intense breathing, heart racing, and fear, the body will naturally calm itself down usually after 15-30 minutes, though occasionally it can take an hour or more.
Often the original cause of anxiety is forgotten, due to the overwhelming experience of panic.

Where Do Panic Attacks Come From?

We’ve explored how panic attacks happen in the body, and it can also be helpful to know why you experience them. First of all, I recognize the limitations of a blog article to tell you – a specific and unique person – why you experience panic attacks. However, after treating many people in Downtown Los Angeles with panic attacks, here are some common themes I see in my practice. Panic attacks are often the result of:

Ignoring stress. This is a common theme for people who suffer from recurring panic attacks. When they experience anxiety, they don’t pay attention to the feeling. Instead, they feel they’re being “weak” or “complaining”, or they feel guilty for needing to slow down at work. Instead of soothing their stress, they ignore it. They’re afraid to slow down or to take time for themselves to listen to the anxious feeling. Often when a person experiences a full panic attack, it’s after days, if not weeks, of suppressing (pushing down or avoiding) clear signs of being overwhelmed. While this strategy can work short term, your body needs a way to actually calm down and soothe itself.
Not getting help. Self-care is sometimes a dirty word. We can feel selfish or guilty: “Other people don’t need to slow down! Other people don’t take a day off when they’re overwhelmed! I don’t think I deserve to have a day off or to have time to myself.” It can be hard – especially in a culture that expects a lot of us. It’s sometimes difficult to see how well your body and mind can function when you have permission and space to take a breath in, to soothe yourself.

How To Conquer Panic Attacks

The first step in conquering panic attacks: you can’t stop the panic attack. Now I know that doesn’t sound great. However, there’s a different and better way to help. Returning to that “river” versus “dam” analogy, when the dam breaks, all we can do is allow the feelings to be there. Here’s what you can do, step-by-step:

Set a timer

Most panic attacks last 15-60 minutes. While this experience is painful and sometimes scary, it can help to know that there is an end to the pain. Your body takes a while to calm back down from this experience.

Accept the experience and allow it to pass naturally

Take a deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth, slowly. Allow your belly to fill with air when you breath in. Picture a place you feel safe. Allow the bodily feelings to pass naturally, knowing it’ll be over soon.

Once the panic attack is done, relax

You’ll feel exhausted after the panic attack. Don’t feel any pressure to get up and go. Let your body recover – act as if you’ve just completed a marathon. Drink some tea, put on white noise, eat something healthy.

Take stock of the last week or two

Ask your self what was different this past week. What things in your life have added to your level of stress or responsibility? What other, smaller signals was your body giving you about your level of stress before the panic attack?

Learn to soothe anxiety

Conquering panic means learning to listen to the smaller anxiety signals your body gives you early on. It means practicing soothing, finding that easy flowing river that helps you move through anxiety, rather than dam it up. That’s what we do. We help anxious professionals in Downtown Los Angeles overcome anxiety and live their best lives.

Managing a Panic Attack Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet

Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals work through difficult emotional and relational patterns through psychotherapy.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

Reduce stress at work: Tips from a Psychologist in Downtown Los Angeles

Written by Connor McClenahan

Reducing stress at work is both simpler and harder than it seems at first glance. As a psychologist who specializes in anxiety and works in Downtown Los Angeles, I want to give you a few tips to reduce your stress at work… and be more productive.

Meet Ian. Ian just accepted a new job at a law firm in Downtown Los Angeles. Ian’s excited, and willing to put in whatever work is required to prove his value as a lawyer. The first 2 weeks go well, and while he’s tired, he also gets a bit excited when he gets an email from a client on a weekend – he doesn’t mind replying, after all, it seems to be expected of people at his firm.

But 2 months into his new job, Ian is exhausted. The things that he loves are less exciting. He used to go on hikes on the weekends, but now he needs to be around his phone in case a client calls. He wishes he could couch in at the end of the day and not check email, but he feels an implicit pressure to answer emails immediately, even late at night. Now he isn’t sleeping well, he’s not enjoying things he used to, and he is having trouble calming down.

How do you know if you’re stressed?

Have you ever felt like Ian? Each of us comes up against tasks, whether in our professional or personal lives, that feel too overwhelming. Our anxiety or overwhelm is often a signal that we’re “red-lining”, that our brains are taking in too much information to regulate effectively. While stress is a normal experience, it becomes problematic when the body can’t calm back down. This inability to regulate anxiety is what constitutes workplace stress and overwhelm. As a way to manage the stress, often we work harder. Here’s a list of common behaviors people engage in when they experience chronic stress at work:

Taking on more projects, despite busy schedule
Checking work email during personal times or breaks
Working or responding to email during weekends
Social expectation to match work load or habits of others
Giving unrealistic deadlines for finishing projects

How many of these behaviors do you struggle with? Often they co-occur – people stressed at work do all of these to a varying degree as a way to reduce their anxiety. The trouble is, working harder to avoid stress doesn’t work – it seems to entrench the person in the same exhausting and stressful pattern. The more you respond to your anxiety by working harder, the faster the train goes, and the more difficult it is to get off. There’s a different way to manage stress: caring for yourself and setting boundaries.

Caring for yourself increases, not limits, your productivity

It’s true. The only way to escape stress is to slow down. And when we escape stress, we actually free ourselves up to work in a more productive way… a way that’s actually backed by neuroscience.

How can this be? We usually think of “self care” or “setting boundaries” as something warm and fuzzy. Something that’s for “me” at the expense of work or other obligations. Yet there’s more going on here. Think about it this way: You wouldn’t drive your car without changing the oil, or getting regular maintenance, especially when the warning lights come on. Caring for your car isn’t simply about making the car feel good, it’s about the reality that a car has a very finite ability to push itself without receiving the care it needs to continue functioning.

Just like a car’s warning lights, when we don’t listen to our overwhelm, we increase our chances of getting sick, suffer from lack of focus and lower energy. You know the feeling, don’t you? I’m sure you’re familiar with how well your body performs on a task when you’ve had good, peaceful rest. The opposite is true when we don’t listen. We start to break down, effecting our mind and body’s performance in all areas.

There’s a few common things our bodies feel when they’re trying to get us to slow down and take care:

Lack of energy
Lack of focus
Irritability at work
Inability to be present in personal life and relationships
Overeating
Undereating
Lack of restful sleep

When we don’t listen to these signs, it’s impossible to avoid the cost of overwhelm. The only way to move past these things isn’t more caffeine, or a fresher cold-pressed juice. There’s 2 ways to reduce your stress at work, the short way and the long way. I think you’ll find both apply to most situations of stress at work.

How to reduce stress at work: The Short Way

Your brain is made to swing like a pendulum between two primary modes: active and passive processing. Active processing is when your mind is actively working on a task. Your brain receives, processes, and acts on information it receives from its environment. Passive processing is what your brain does when it doesn’t have a task to do. Rather than turning “off”, your mind actively sorts through all the connections made during active processing, pruning them back and retaining the important details.

If we don’t ever give ourselves room to pull back from a stimulus, our minds struggle to find new ways of approaching a problem and to stay focused on what’s important. When we never pull back from our task, we slowly lose energy, and approach tasks repetitively. Doesn’t sound like the smartest way to work, does it? Here’s some quick things you can do to allow that pendulum to swing back toward passive processing, so you can regain energy.

TURN OFF EMAIL NOTIFICATIONS.

This is a quick win. You want to protect the time you spend away from your desk, so you can allow your mind to enter passive processing. Turn off email notifications on your phone. In fact, you can experiment with taking email off your phone, that way you’re only checking it when YOU decide to. Take Gmail off your phone, see what it feels like for 24 hours.

WALK.

Put down your phone, and take a walk in the middle of your work day. Maybe that means going out to lunch without your phone, or parking farther away from work so you need to walk. This is an easy way to give your mind space to passively process. Notice the energy you have when you return to your desk.

NEGOTIATE REALISTIC DEADLINES.

You might consider, just as an easy rule to start with, to extend your deadlines for projects by 25%. Most of us have a future bias concerning time, meaning we overestimate the free time we’ll have in the future. Account for this extending your expected time to complete a project. If you finish it early, you’ll have another win. Plus, you’ll be setting a different expectation for others about how available you are.

SET APPOINTMENTS.

Instead of jumping on the phone immediately with a client or colleague, give them appointment slots they can apply for.

“BUT! I can’t do those things!” Let’s think about this. There are some very real things that seem to inhibit you from following this list. You operate within a powerful culture of ceaseless work, constant availability, instant access. I’m very aware that I’m directly pushing back against that.

But let’s think about what happens if you don’t make these changes. There is an unavoidable cost to being constantly available. You’ll likely spend at least 50% of your waking hours at your job during your adult life. And these costs add up. It will be difficult to actually get off on weekends and holidays to enjoy your life. Maybe you can already feel the costs. You feel the exhaustion, the burnout, the “why did I get into this job?” feeling. So what is it worth to you to slow down? Is it worth possibly disappointing your co-workers? Or losing a client? Or having to find a different job?

Slowing down won’t just make you happier, it’ll help you work better too.

How to reduce stress at work: The Long Way

One very common voice that pops up, even as we consider letting go of being constantly available, is “I don’t want to”. The truth is, many of us, for many reasons, don’t want to make these changes. It’s not that we can’t, it’s that we won’t. The mind is like that – sometimes very divided and at-war with itself. We don’t just have a foot on the break pedal, there’s another foot on the accelerator that likes the speed.

Let’s take a look at some of the common reasons people like the speed of the Stress Train:

I enjoy feeling overwhelmed

“People pay attention to me when I’m busy”

“I’m only valuable when I’m busy, I feel good about myself when I accomplish a lot”

“I feel powerful when I’m busy and stressed”

“I’ve always had to do everything for myself, at least I have control over my life”

If I slow down I’m afraid worse things will happen

“People won’t understand my need to slow down, they’ll look down on me”

“People will be angry with me if I don’t meet expectations”

“I’m afraid I’ll be discarded if I don’t produce the value I feel is expected of me”

Now I realize often there are real expectations we’re up against. Our job may require a certain amount of hours or deadlines. Yet if we’re not careful, the employer can unknowingly collude with the parts of us that WANT to pick up speed, pressing two feet down on the accelerator. Only when we’re self-aware can we notice this happening and slow down. Slowing down means being willing to negotiate, to encounter conflict, and even disappoint someone.

So I challenge you today to slow down and care for yourself, no matter how difficult that might seem. Set a realistic boundary, even knowing it might invite a difficult conversation. A more productive and happier life is on the other side.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotional and relational patterns through psychotherapy.

LEARN ABOUT CONNOR

Managing emotions

“Am I too emotional?”: Do this one thing today to manage difficult emotions

Written by Jeff Creely

People tend to see emotions like anger, sadness, or fear as bad things; at best they’re a distraction, at worst a weakness. There’s a perception that these feelings disrupt logical thinking and lead to bad decisions—that negative emotions simply get in our way.

You can even hear it in how we often use emotions as insults:

“God, you’re so emotional,”
“Quit being such a drama queen.”
“Don’t be a crybaby.”

We think our emotions betray us. So it makes sense that sometimes we even get emotional at our own emotions: we get pissed at our sadness, afraid of our anger, or made hopeless by our anxiety. Then down the rabbit hole of negative feelings we go, round and round as we lose sight of what upset us in the first place.

So it’s no wonder that we’ll try anything to hide our feelings. We fear negative emotions as evidence of our own failure.

This way of hiding our emotions is dangerous.

This is why people start to eat to soothe worries. It’s the reason we’ll watch TV when we’re feeling lonely or drink to numb ourselves. But this doesn’t solve anything. This doesn’t make the feelings go away, just hides them from view.

But if our goal is to simply get rid of the evidence, get rid of these feeling as quickly as possible, hiding them is the logical shortcut we take to get there.

There’s something important you should know: a way to break this cycle.

Negative emotions aren’t a distraction or a weakness, they’re communication.

They’re our bodies ways of telling us that something important is going on. Before we can put something into words, emotions are a red alert that we need to pay attention.

And just like ignoring someone shouting for help, when we try to avoid our feelings they are going to get louder. Our feelings want to help us understand something important and they won’t go away until the message is delivered.

So instead of trying to shut out your negative emotions, instead of fearing them as evidence of your failure, what if you did something radically different?

What if you turn toward your emotions, look them right in the eyes, and ask “What’s wrong?”

Negative emotions are communication and by listening to your emotions you give yourself the power to help them. Next time you notice yourself feelings something powerful, slow down and be curious. Ask yourself some questions.

First pay attention to the physical experience. What sensations are you having?
Then, if you know, what’s the name of the feeling?
Then gently ask yourself what happened that led to this feeling?
Does something in the world feel wrong?
Does something in the world remind of something wrong that happened in the past?
Do you feel like you did something wrong?
Are you thinking about something wrong happening in the future?

Then ask yourself a very loving question. With all the same gentleness and compassion you would offer to a scared child,

“What can I do to help?”

Perhaps helping is simple.

In which case, great! Go do it. Feel better.

But perhaps the feeling doesn’t know how you can help it, or helping seems too intimidating to even begin to try. Maybe the answer you get confuses you or you’re embarrassed by what the feeling wants. In which case, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist about what your next steps might be.

But even if you never speak to someone else about it, asking these questions can be extremely helpful. Because even if you don’t know what to do with what you find, there is something powerfully healing in simply being listened to by someone who loves you.

What a wonderful gift to offer yourself when that loving person is you.

Managing Difficult Emotions Worksheet