Living in a new country as a refugee or trying to change your immigration status can be very stressful. Maybe you are worried that a family member will face deportation. No matter the situation, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that you or your loved one will be able to legally stay in the United States. How could a psychological evaluation help you?
Immigration Psychological Evaluation
For many immigration applications, a psychological evaluation can support your case. This evaluation provides a clear portrayal of your story and describes the hardship you have already faced or expect to face in the future due to deportation. If you have suffered any psychological or physical abuse, it is valuable to have the mental impact of this abuse well documented.
This article provides a brief description of the kinds of cases in which a psychological evaluation may be helpful. However, this is not legal advice. Consult your attorney about whether a psychological evaluation would support your case.
Extreme Hardship Waiver
In extreme hardship cases, a waiver can be provided to an applicant if their removal from the US would cause “extreme hardship” for a family member who is a citizen or lawful permanent resident. Your case must show that there will be extreme hardship if family members are separated due to deportation or if family members must relocate with the one being deported. Extreme hardship is defined by the US Citizenship and Immigration Services as a hardship that is more than what is commonly expected for family separation or relocation. Factors in determining hardship may include access to health care, finances, education, caring for family members, safety, and social or cultural impact.
A psychological report can help to clearly document your situation and the hardship that would result in either family separation or relocation. If separation or relocation may include mental health concerns, a psychological report is invaluable to describe how mental health is likely to be impacted.
Cheerful aunt laughing and giving cheese to niece while enjoying with family in kitchen at home during weekend
Spousal Abuse (VAWA)
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was created to provide a pathway to legal status for family members who have experienced abuse from a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (LPR). An immigrant family member is usually reliant on a U.S. citizen or LPR to petition for legal status on their behalf. But for cases in which there has been abuse, VAWA provides protection for individuals to apply without the knowledge, consent, or participation of their abuser. This protection is not just for women, but includes all spouses, children, and parents who have suffered abuse and who would otherwise be dependent on their abuser to apply for immigrant status.
Abuse in these cases is described as “battery and extreme cruelty.” This includes physical and sexual abuse as well as non-violent acts or threats of violence that are used to control the victim (ex. isolation, blaming, threats of deportation, etc.)
A psychological evaluation can be provided as evidence to demonstrate battery and extreme cruelty. Meeting with a psychologist for an evaluation allows clear documentation of the psychological and emotional hardship you have experienced. It allows your story to be portrayed accurately and compassionately in a comprehensive written report.
U Visa
A U Visa is similar to a VAWA case in that it allows an individual to self-petition for legal status due to having been the victim of a crime. It provides protection for those who have “suffered substantial mental or physical abuse.” In order to meet requirements, the victim must be willing to participate with law enforcement.
In these cases, a psychological evaluation can be helpful to document and provide evidence for the mental and emotional impact of abuse.
Asylum
Lastly, a psychological evaluation may be helpful if you are seeking asylum. In order to receive asylum status in the United States, you must show that you have suffered persecution or have a well-founded fear of persecution in your home country. Persecution may be based on factors such as race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a social group experiencing discrimination.
A psychological evaluation documents the persecution or suffering you have already experienced before coming to the United States or the reason why you are fearful that you would not be safe if you returned to your home country. It can also help document the reasons why you did not apply within the year deadline of arrival in the US, if applicable.
In all of these cases, you want a professional who will treat your case with compassion and expertise. I will work closely with your immigration attorney to create a helpful report that clearly documents what you have been through, your current situation, and any hardship you expect in the future. A psychological evaluation gives you confidence that your unique immigration story will be heard and that evidence for mental health impact will be presented.
I get it. It always feels easier to ignore the thing that’s bothering you in your relationships – whether that be with your friend, coworker, boss, family member, or partner.
You hope that the comment that rubbed you the wrong way or the awkward moment of tension will just pass and be a thing of the past. You hope that with enough time, both you and the other person will forget about that incident and things will just feel normal again.
If you just ignore it hard enough and for long enough, things will go back to how they once were, right?…
But what really ends up happening when you avoid difficult conversations?
Things don’t go back to normal. You don’t forget about the hurt, annoyance, or anger you felt towards that other person. Instead, the longer you go without having that hard conversation often results in tensions rising, things feeling more awkward, and becoming increasingly frustrated and irritated at the smallest issues. The comment or moment you initially hoped would pass becomes the foundation of all the following issues you have with the other person.
So what can you do instead?
Allow yourself the space to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Was there a particular instance? Was it something that was said? Or something that was done? Whatever it may be, take some intentional time to process through what has left you feeling however it is you’re feeling towards the other person.
Brainstorm what you’d like to communicate to the other person. What are the most important things you’d like to say? Are there things you’d like to say first before following up with additional thoughts? Writing these things down might help you to understand what feels most crucial to eventually communicate to the other person.
Talk those points through with someone who feels safe to you. It can be helpful to have another listening ear be on the receiving end of what you’d eventually like to communicate to the person you’ve felt hurt by. Perhaps that safe person can help you rephrase certain things or even remind you of other important things to mention.
Difficult conversations are opportunities for individual and relational growth.
While it can initially feel easier to avoid those conversations, dodging them often results in increased tension, anxiety, annoyance, and hurt. Taking some intentional time to work through whatever the issue is between you and the other person may be what brings some actual peace and relief. It might even be an opportunity to strengthen and solidify your relationship with that individual. Moving forward, you may both understand one another better and know how to be a better friend, coworker, sister, brother, partner, etc.
So take some time to pause, reflect, and communicate. It’s an important part of creating the deep, meaningful, safe relationships we all need to thrive.
Rose So, MA
I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.
Sometimes focusing our attention feels impossible. As soon as we settle down at the computer, or into a conversation, we can find ourselves darting around, proverbially switching channels back and forth. We can start to wonder, “Do I have ADHD?”
Today we’re going to look at what actually happens in the brain when we have trouble focusing. Whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, understanding how our brains pay attention will help you make changes so you can hold attention in a healthy way.
Here’s what’s happening in the brain when you focus attention
Your mind is constantly receiving thousands of inputs every second – from your skin and muscles (the uncomfortable chair you’re sitting in), from your ears (that air conditioning in the background), from your stomach (it’s been a while since breakfast!), from your social awareness (I’m surrounded by people right now) and from communication from others (this article teaching you about ADHD), among other things.
It’s a wonder that your mind can focus its attention at all. It needs a way of organizing a whole world of constantly changing pieces of information so it can keep you safe. The way the mind does this is really important: it focuses your attention on threats so it can resolve them and feel safe again.
Attention Neurology:
The floodgate. First, your mind measures how much information it wants to take in. Picture the difference between eating an apple on an empty stomach, versus eating an apple after an ice cream sundae. On an empty stomach, you might taste intense, complex flavors from the apple. After an ice cream sundae, however, it might hardly taste sweet. This is the job of the reticular formation. It measures how much stimulation (excitement) your brain can take to keep you somewhere between feeling bored and overwhelmed.
The emotional stamp (limbic system). Next, the information is stamped with emotion. Like a message coded by urgency (?), the limbic system tags how important this new information is to your safety and prepares your body to respond. When you feel a tinge of stomach tension at receiving an email from your boss, it’s because your limbic system told you there’s a threat to your safety: you could be in danger of being dismissed or abandoned. Your entire body responds right away, changing your heart rate, blood flow, and attention so you can be safe.
The planning center (prefrontal cortex).Imagine a rider on top of an emotional elephant. The elephant is our emotional brain, charging haphazardly away from danger and toward safety. The rider (prefrontal cortex) has to decide how to direct the elephant’s energy. The rider is a bit frustrated with the elephant’s erratic impulses! He tries to navigate the elephant in a straight line toward the main goal of connection and safety, taking into account social norms, past experiences and outcomes, contextual cues, and other emotions in ourselves and others. The rider considers two main voices: the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) and Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BAS is like a forward-thinking rider. She decides how to direct the elephant’s energy down a certain path. It’s good at planning logical steps that help it achieve goals and satisfy needs for connection and safety. The BIS is like a cautious rider. She pulls the reigns to keep the elephant from running wild. She’s concerned with holding back on emotional impulses, trying to steer clear of social stigma, rejection, and shame.
The reward center (ventral striatum). Think of a party at the end of a marathon: the runner endures enormous pain, finally crosses the finish line, and feels immense relief and pleasure. He completes the goal and finally wins the needed sustenance and support. His brain is flooded with dopamine, which slows his heart rate and relaxes his muscles. Next time he runs the marathon, his mind will stay on task, knowing the reward at the end.
To summarize,
Whenever your mind receives an input, it first evaluates its strength and connection to your survival, and you feel your body become ready to respond. Your prefrontal cortex then plans what to do – to either resolve the need or suppress it and stay on task toward the current goal and reward.
So let’s say you’re writing a brief.
When the project first came up, you felt excitement. Your limbic system tagged the project as important because of your long term goal to make money – and more importantly – be included in a community and avoid abandonment (safety).
Right away, you felt engaged with the project. Your BAS was organizing your excitement and planning different behaviors to get closer to your goal. You might sit down and outline your project.
BUT THEN – you get a text. This time it’s from your partner. It says, “I didn’t feel great about how we ended last night.” You feel another rush in your body. This time, it’s not excitement but anxiety. Suddenly the project is out of your mind. If you pay attention, you might notice your BAS organizing yourself differently: “If I don’t respond right away, will they think I don’t care?” You feel the pain of an attachment strained. Your BIS then struggles to evaluate. How important is this new goal in relation to the project? How do I weigh my long-term survival against this immediate conflict? Should I stop working on the project now and call my partner?
Just then, a co-worker asks you a question. “Did you see the game last night?” Your mind is now balancing a few different bids for attention. This is where you start to feel your mind struggling to focus.
Attention problems can be caused by a few different areas
If you struggle with holding attention, there may be a problem with one or several of the brain areas we mentioned earlier.
Now, before we jump ahead, it’s important to note that the structure of your brain is the combination of your genetics, past experiences, and present experience. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say about 50% of your brain’s structure is caused by your genetics, and 50% is the result of your environment. Why is this important? Too many people confuse “brain structure” with organic/genetic causes. If you have a weakness in your reward pathway, making it difficult to feel pleasure when you achieve a goal, it might be because of an organic/genetic difference, or it might be due to the way rewards have been handled throughout your life. Both genetics and experience alter the structure of your brain.
With this in mind, let’s look at different ways you might be experiencing problems with attention.
Is my focus issue a “floodgate” problem?
Sometimes our problems in attention have to do with how stimulating our environment is. Each of us has a “Goldilocks” zone where we aren’t too bored or overwhelmed, where things are just right and we feel engaged. For some of us, reading a book doesn’t hold our attention. It feels boring and it’s hard to pay attention. For others it feels just right: a quiet room, a book, low light is the perfect amount of stimulation to hold our attention. This has to do with our floodgate, the reticular formation, that is monitoring the volume of the world around us.
Extraverts might need to add music, bright light, or tap their feet to raise the volume of the reading so they can pay attention. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by this idea! They might struggle to engage with reading in a loud room, needing to pull away into a quiet room to read.
How about you? If you struggle with attention, it’s possible that you’re either overwhelmed (“I can’t focus! It’s too much!”), or bored (“I can’t focus! It’s too mind-numbing!”).
Try adjusting the volume of the task by adding or removing stimulation.
Add music or exercise beforehand to make a boring task more engaging. Retreat to a quiet space away from distractions to make an overwhelming task more engaging. These volume adjustments help us focus our attention.
Is my focus issue an emotional problem?
Attention is anything but a cognitive task. Attention is mostly an emotional task that begins and ends in our brain’s limbic system (emotional center). Our emotional state is the elephant that moves our attention toward a goal to help us feel safe and connected. If anxiety and dread overwhelm you, writing a report is going to be incredibly difficult. Your mind will keep redirecting, over and over, toward your emotional state.
If you’re depressed, your concentration suffers. Your mind will keep redirecting toward your sadness. But if your mood improves, so does your attention. You’ll even find yourself being more creative at solving problems.
So what do we do? Trying to force ourselves to pay attention when we’re emotionally overwhelmed is like a tiny rider on top of that emotional elephant: it’s not gonna do much good.
The only solution is to help ourselves feel safe.
Regulating our emotions, and soothing ourselves is the first step. Sometimes this is as simple as reminding yourself of a loved one who cares about you. Other times this is about addressing emotional patterns in therapy.
Is my focus issue a planning problem?
After you feel an emotion and your body gets ready to act, your prefrontal lobe starts to plan how to achieve the goal. Sometimes it means telling yourself to stop working on other goals. Other times it means taking time to plan out each step you need to get to your goal. How you manage these two voices (BAS and BIS) has a lot to do with how others in your life have helped you achieve goals. For example, picture a child who’s trying to stack blocks, and gets frustrated. The parent who swoops in and stacks the blocks for the child, while well-intended, doesn’t help the child learn the planning skills they need. A parent that shows the child step by step how to stack the blocks will help strengthen the child’s frontal lobe, nurturing their ability to set and achieve goals.
In the same way, if we struggle with attention problems today, it might be a planning issue. Maybe it’s hard for you to take a moment to stop and plan the steps to get to your goal. Maybe it’s hard to say “no” to something you want so you can get the larger goal. This can be a powerless feeling – like there’s no way to move forward. This is where we switch attention – largely to avoid feeling powerless.
If this sounds like you, you’ll need to take the time to outsource this part of your brain to a checklist.
You might try taking time, before the start of the task, to outline the steps you’re going to need to take to get it done. You might also benefit from therapy. Addressing and understanding the feelings you have about setting goals can help you feel focused and in control again.
Is my focus issue a reward problem?
Sometimes our problem with holding attention has to do with a lack of reward. If we can hold our attention well, it’s because we know that by planning and holding out attention on a task, we’ll feel good again, relieved. Think of an Olympic athlete: they strain to hold their attention hour after hour because of the promise of winning gold. Think of a parent who spends an hour learning to bake a cake for their child: they hold their attention because of the promise of vicariously feeling their child’s joy. We hold our attention when we know there will be a reward.
For some of us, there’s no promise of reward. Maybe your own childhood involved a depressed parent who struggled to “light up” when you achieved a goal, and you felt like you could never make them proud. This experience lays pathways in your frontal lobe that influence how you experience daily tasks. Or maybe you’re living alone, so cleaning your house goes unnoticed. Maybe you have a preoccupied boss who doesn’t reward your hard work. In each of these situations, it will be a struggle to hold attention on a task, because your mind struggles to see the reward it’s working toward.
If this is the main obstacle to holding your attention, you might tend to feel tasks are meaningless, hopeless, or boring.
How do we help this issue? Some suggest giving yourself a treat when you complete a task: like rewarding yourself with chocolate. You’re welcome to try that if it works for you! For many people, however, this will only get you halfway there. The dopamine (reward) area of the brain is built around social rewards. The strongest reward we can receive is another person’s praise.
If you struggle with reward pathways, don’t think of giving yourself a treat; think of making the task meaningful.
How can you link the task with how it will contribute to your feeling connected and helpful in the world? Is there a way to include others in the task so you can receive feedback and praise? Is there a way the task could help someone else? How could you change the task to heighten these aspects?
So, do I have ADHD?
ADHD requires a diagnosis, something you can get by scheduling an assessment with one of our psychologists. Why a psychologist? Because too often, we diagnose ADHD whenever we spot an attention problem, without considering other factors, such as emotional health, life stressors, introversion/extraversion, etc.
Whether or not you have ADHD, you can rework your relationship with attention. Whether it’s about reducing/increasing the input (floodgate), regulating your emotion (making it more meaningful or less panic-inducing in the limbic system), taking more/less time to plan, or giving yourself more meaningful rewards, there are ways we can shift gears to pay attention, regardless of your diagnosis.
The effort it takes to hold attention can be frustrating. Talk with one of our therapists today. We’ll help you find your way to feel on top of your life again.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
Anxiety is that pesky companion that wants to rob you of your control in life.
It hijacks your thoughts during important moments.
It tenses your shoulders, your chest, and your digestive system.
It over activates your “what if” fears.
It can affect your sleep, diet, and ability to stay present and attentive to life.
You want to take a deep breath, rest once in a while, to be assured that somehow everything will be okay, but Anxiety’s “what if” voice has your amygdala doing somersaults, taxing your nervous system with a constant, low-volume version of fight or flight.
Anxiety’s Master Plan
Anxiety is most successful at taking over if it can convince you there’s something in your life that isn’t secure or loved. Your amygdala may automatically trigger your fight or flight response when you feel unsafe or unloved.
Fight or flight is beneficial when you are in present physical danger. Your digestive system shuts down, your logic and reasoning are dulled, blood rushes to contracted muscles, and your heart rate increases, so you can expend the energy where it matters when in danger: getting to safety.
Fight or flight is less helpful when you’re worried about a promotion, when you don’t know if you and your partner see eye-to-eye, when a difficult test is around the corner and you aren’t sure if you studied enough.
We want to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s voice of unsafety and insecurity. Turning down the volume will help you gain a little more control over when you need your amygdala’s essential function and when you don’t. The way to turn on the brain’s logic center is by asking ourselves four crucial questions.
4 Important questions to regain control from Anxiety
1) WHAT AM I FEELING IN REGARDS TO MY SECURITY AND SENSE OF BEING LOVED?
Anxiety’s power is in convincing you that things cannot be okay. Its voice is always found in an unhelpful statement about yourself:
Something’s wrong with me.
I’m not enough.
It’s hopeless.
I’m not wanted.
I should have known better.
I’m a failure.
This list is not exhaustive. There are many potential unhelpful messages that Anxiety may be trying to tell you about yourself.
For some, this first question will be the hardest of the four, but it’s essential to start here with Anxiety’s voice so you know how to speak to it. Behind your racing heart, behind your fear of calling that parent, behind your worry about what someone else is thinking, there is an unhelpful voice trying to convince you something negative about WHO YOU ARE. Try in this first step to name that message.
2) WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?
Anxious symptoms and behaviors are a response to those unhelpful messages that Anxiety wants you to believe about yourself. If you’re convinced you are unwanted, you may struggle with sleeping or what you eat. When feeling hopeless, you may respond in outrage. If you feel like a failure, you may give up or spend hours thinking through a problem instead of experiencing peace, rest, and a solution.
You’ll win the battle against Anxiety when you can 1) name the negative message about your security and sense of being loved, and 2) when you can name how you are tempted to respond to the aforementioned negative message. Here is a small list of potential examples:
Excessive worry
Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etcetera)
Racing thoughts
Lashing out
Giving up
Fatigue
Body symptoms
Feeling on edge
Changes in diet
3) WHAT’S POSITIVE AND TRUE ABOUT ME?
Here’s where you can consciously choose to divert your attention to evidence that contradicts Anxiety’s unhelpful voice, where you entertain thoughts that are more true about who you are. If this step is difficult, you can begin by journaling about times the negative message was untrue about you. Eventually, practice diverting to these more positive messages in the middle of Anxiety’s advances to lessen its power.
There are plenty of reasons to hope.
I have proven I can succeed.
I will get through it.
I did the best I could.
There’s reason to believe I am loved and cared for.
4) HOW WOULD I RATHER RESPOND?
Through knowing the truth of who you are and the strength and love inside of you, you have now turned down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful voice and can choose more helpful behaviors and fewer body symptoms.
Practice deep breathing and mindfulness.
Give attention to the people around you instead of to the problem.
Improve eating and sleeping habits.
Enjoy soothing behaviors like TV, alcohol, etc., in a healthier, non-excessive way.
Complete tasks efficiently with a more solution and strength-based mindset.
How do I know when I need therapy?
Anxiety can be a formidable adversary to fight. Maybe you want a coach to walk you through these four steps. Or perhaps you’d like a little help looking underneath the unhelpful messages, understanding the deeper unconscious drives that have led to some of the symptoms you experience.
There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.
You’ve got this!
Integrate these four questions into a regular routine.
What am I feeling in regards to my security and sense of being loved?
When I feel this way, how do I normally respond?
What’s positive and true about me?
How would I rather respond?
Eventually, you’ll be able to quickly cycle through these four questions in the middle of a stressful experience, utilizing the empowerment of truth to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful messages, and living in the peace and accomplish you long for.
Questions to Respond to Anxiety Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Choosing a potential therapist is a big deal, and the significance can make the decision feel overwhelming. This article and the accompanying worksheet will help you think through important factors when deciding on a therapist. Many therapists (including our therapists at Here) offer 10 or 15-minute consultations to ask questions and see if a therapist is the right fit for you. These consultations allow you to meet with a therapist or even multiple therapists before making a financial and time investment in a therapeutic relationship.
As a note, therapists set their boundaries and choose what they feel comfortable disclosing. Holding boundaries is their right, AND you can choose not to see a therapist who doesn’t answer questions about important issues.
Questions to ask yourself:
What is most important to you when choosing a therapist? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. This is your therapist and your journey. You know what matters most. Maybe you have a marginalized identity, and you want to see that identity reflected in your therapist. Perhaps you want a specific type of therapy like EMDR or DBT. Or maybe it’s important to you that you can see a therapist via telehealth to fit a therapy session into your busy schedule. Identify what is important to you and stick by that.
How do you know when your therapist is a good fit? Maybe you’ve been to therapy before, and you know what makes you feel safe in a therapeutic relationship.
Questions to ask a potential therapist:
What is your definition of mental health? Psychological theories have different opinions on what mental health is. It is important to ask potential therapists about their definition of mental health so that you can compare it with yours. Knowing the definition helps you see if you and your therapist will have compatible goals.
What is your theoretical orientation? There are so many theoretical orientations that a therapist can use! A theoretical orientation has specifics on what mental health is, what a therapy session looks like, how much self-disclosure your therapist uses, how frequently you meet, how long the course of therapy is, how they think about psychopathology, and more. You have the right to ask a potential therapist about their theoretical orientation, and a therapist should be able to give you a summary in understandable terminology.
Have you worked with my issues/mental illnesses before? This is a great question! What experience does this therapist have that will help them work with you? Many reasons could bring you to therapy, and no way that one therapist could specialize in all of the reasons people begin treatment. Even if a therapist has listed a specialty or experience with an issue on their website, you can ask them to discuss this in greater detail.
Have you worked with my particular identities before? How do you integrate theories or training to better treat and support me? Especially if you have one or more marginalized identities, asking this question is a matter of safety. It is absolutely your right to ask your potential therapist how they create safety in sessions. Does this therapist incorporate anti-racist learning and training? What specific trainings have they attended to learn about your diagnosis? What additional certifications do they have? Whatever information you need to feel safe, you can ask.
What is the fee for a session? In addition to this question, you might want to know if this therapist accepts insurance or if they’ll provide a superbill for you to submit to your insurance.
What policies of your practice should I know? Some of these policies could be canceling appts, COVID-19 safety (vaccine requirements, masks, etc.), and ending treatment.
Above all,
I hope that this article helps you to feel less overwhelmed and more empowered as you search for the therapist that is the right fit for you. If you are interested in learning more about our therapists, click here. If you would like to set up a consultation with one of our therapists, click here.
Questions for your Potential Therapist Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Do you ever have one of those nights – where you find yourself tossing and turning, your mind filled with thoughts and worries, “what ifs,” and feelings of uncertainty or fear? Sometimes these same feelings and thoughts pop up throughout the day, with a sudden sense of your mind racing, your heart rate speeding up, and breathing getting shallow. Suddenly, all you can think about is what you said or how you may have messed things up, and your mind begins to consider all the possible things that could happen or go wrong. All of a sudden, that one small thing feels like it has become a massive storm with certainty that everything will go wrong.
But could you learn to take back control of these moments of worry and begin to find a place of rest for your mind and body? By practicing just a few simple steps, you can start to quiet the storm inside your mind, leading to more clarity, better sleep, and the ability to breathe a little more deeply.
Consider these three simple steps to help clear your mind and begin to rest.
Name the fear. It’s essential to identify what is at the root of our anxiety. Slowing down and naming what you are most worried about can help you see just what you are most fearful of happening. Maybe it’s the fear that you will lose your job or that you may lose someone you love. Whatever it is, taking a deep breath and saying what you fear will help you begin to take a step toward understanding what has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
State a truth. Consider the fact that what you fear could happen, but it is essential also to consider that the facts that may support this fear becoming a reality may not be the whole truth. Often there may be some truths that challenge this fear. Maybe it was another project you worked on that proved you competent and a great asset to your workplace. Or that making one mistake does not mean that you are a complete failure.
Imagine the “best-case scenario.” These feelings of fear and uncertainty are often based on the worst-case scenario. What would it be like to ask yourself to consider the “what ifs” for the best-case outcome? Seeing yourself as capable of overcoming or succeeding, rather than imagining only adverse outcomes, may allow you to realize that your fear is only one possibility of what could happen. In reality, there is a possibility of a positive outcome.
As you allow your mind to focus not only on the possibility of what could go wrong and consider what could go right, you may start to notice a mental shift. This shift comes as your mind begins to slow down, and you can think more clearly, sleep more soundly, and feel more energetic in your everyday life.
Clear Your Mind Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Have you paid attention to the patterns you hold in your relationships?
Do you find yourself setting no boundaries with potential friends but you swear them out of your life when they cross an invisible line?
Do you feel like you have your guard up all the time and never let anyone in despite constantly struggling with loneliness?
Maybe you seek very intimate relationships and see potential in almost anyone, even though logically you can see the red flags that all your friends have identified?
Relationships and Building Boundaries as Adults
The older we get, the harder it is to connect and maintain relationships, whether platonic friendships or romantic partnerships. It is common for us to look back at our relationships and finally notice a pattern.
Maybe you have a few close friends, but you distanced yourself from others after small incidents that you never chose to surface and resolve, and now you are stuck holding resentment.
Perhaps you were in a committed, long-term relationship once or twice, but now it feels hopeless that you will find someone with whom you can be vulnerable.
Maybe you continue to be in committed relationships one after another, but you wonder if you should take a break to be alone for a while?
It’s helpful for us to reflect on our relationships and find out why we continue to be in potentially unhelpful patterns. When we are unsure of the actions we continue to take, we may fill ourselves with doubt, guilt, or shame around why we are the way we are. We end up asking ourselves, “what’s wrong with me?” But instead of blaming ourselves for the relational need we might have, we can examine and find out what it is that we are really seeking.
Exploring your Current Conflicts and Boundaries
First, we examine and try to recognize our patterns. Only when we have identified our relational patterns can we take the next step to work on changing the patterns slowly. Trying out a different behavior from our instinctive, patterned behaviors allows us to see how we feel about the change. Sometimes changing our patterns makes us feel empowered, and we are motivated to unlearn unhelpful behavioral patterns. Other times, we might finally learn the real reason why we were behaving a certain way repeatedly because we chose to act differently this time. Either way, it will give us a better understanding of who we are.
In this exploratory stage to find out more about ourselves, we try reacting in relationships in a way that’s unlike us. We resist the ways that we have interacted with others in the past. All the while, we pay attention to how it feels and process what’s going on. This stage takes time and effort. There will likely be much observing in patience and processing different emotions that we don’t yet have the words to describe. Meaningful change or gaining insight will happen at different paces for everybody, and that’s okay.
Building Boundaries and Changing Relationship Patterns
Our dynamics with our friends and loved ones are already built and developed throughout our lives. Thus, when we do something different, and out of character for us, there can be resistance from the people in our lives. For example, we express our needs instead of going along with the plans of our very direct friend. The friend could either be concerned, “I’m sorry, this is unlike you. Have I made you uncomfortable?” or annoyed, “This is what we always do, what’s gotten into you today?” This process is long and can be painful because sometimes we have to sift out some friendships that never served us well. On the other hand, we make new friends that will accept us for who we are in the moment. At times, we may have to step back and simply allow time for those around us to accept the changes we are bringing into the relational dynamics.
No matter what, we choose to grow for ourselves and continue to push, challenge, and improve the dynamics we have made with the people in our lives. I can promise you that the ones that have been in our lives for the right reasons will stay even if we change. Those who care for us will likely encourage us and love us for how we are growing.
Reminder for You as You Build Boundaries
There will also be times when we fall back into our old habits, and that’s okay. We can wonder why it might have happened, and through this process, we can develop more insight into who we are. With time, we can practice claiming our space, needs, and desires, where we face conflict, resolve and repair relationships.
Get rid of painful patterns by building boundaries in therapy
What I described above is a part of what relational work looks like in therapy. Therapy can’t teach you to be perfect, but it can help you ignite the process of learning about yourself and how you exist with others. And after the termination of therapy, clients continue to push and pull in their relationships to create healthy, meaningful intimacy that fulfills them because one thing for sure is that this journey of self-growth is life-long, no matter if you are in therapy or not.
As a therapist, I long to create a therapy space where my clients can self-reflect without fearing what they might find within, where they can express themselves without worrying about judgment or social norms. I want to assure my clients that it’s okay for us to have our needs. It can be scary to acknowledge our needs and then seek them, even ask for help from others, but when we learn to do that, we will finally learn not to stand alone for so long. If creating better relational dynamics through building boundaries is something you are looking for, we can schedule a consultation to see if we can work together.
Seohyun Joo, MA
I help people learn to resolve their anxiety and express their needs.
It can feel impossible to get ahead of what Depression tries to take from your life.
You find it hard to do the things you once loved.
You wonder if your energy and drive will ever return.
Your relationship with food, sleep, sex, and motivation no longer makes any sense.
You want to regain control of the peace you once felt, but the peace seems so far away you aren’t even sure you remember how peace felt.
Depression’s Sneaky Goals
Depression often makes its entrance through a mix of difficult life experiences, misfiring chemicals in the brain, unhelpful interpretations of events or relational interactions, or even all of the above. But Depression flexes its malicious strength by working to convince you that there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Depression’s Goals:
Convincing you to spend more time alone, away from loved ones or fun activities that can help diminish its power
Persuading you to overeat or undereat, affecting your glucose levels and subsequently keeping you in a foggy mindspace.
Assuring you that you don’t have the energy to get out of bed, thus keeping you in a lethargic state that encourages more tiredness.
Saying NO to Depression’s Power
1. REST
Many who suffer from Depression experience either hypersomnolence (too much sleep), or insomnolence (too little sleep). The result of too little or too much rest is a crushing lack of energy. Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep, keeping in mind that urges to oversleep or overrelax are Depression’s wants, not yours. Set an alarm and adhere to it with strict determination. You have the strength within you to say NO to Depression’s goals.
If initiating sleep is difficult, cut caffeine earlier in the day, avoid screens for the final hours of the day, and ensure a relaxing bedroom environment as bedtime approaches. If these fixes don’t help, talk to your doctor about your difficulty sleeping.
Equally, remember that relaxing in waking hours is necessary. Allow yourself to lay on the couch and watch some comedies without guilt, but remember that getting off the couch after a reasonable amount of time is equally important.
2. EXERCISE
Have you heard of a runner’s high? Or a weight-lifter’s euphoria? Feel-good chemicals released in your brain during exercise, chemicals like endorphins, endocannabinoids, dopamine, and serotonin can feel like pure magic if exercise is part of your regular health routine.
Regular exercise can also regulate your body’s relationship with food and healthy sleep. Saying NO to Depression’s seduction toward lethargy by moving your body is one of the single greatest practices you can incorporate into your health routine.
3. PLEASURE
Your friends want to spend time together, to participate in activities that used to bring joy, but now you can hardly imagine responding to their texts. Just saying YES to dinner and a movie can feel like the bravest three letters you’ve ever typed. But you ARE brave, so do it! Drag yourself to the car and get that chicken parm you love so much when your best friend wants to see you. Make sure to get a great hug. In bravely seeking out pleasure with others, you’ll release dopamine and oxytocin, more feel-good chemicals, into your body, and watch as Depression’s power begins to shrink.
How do I know when I need therapy?
Perhaps you wonder if you need a little extra help. Are you finding yourself in the same patterns and nothing seems to help? Maybe you’ve reached out to friends, gone to the gym regularly, been strict about your sleep and rest, and you don’t feel better.
Depression can be a complicated adversary, one we sometimes need a little help to tackle. In therapy, we’ll peer behind the unconscious motivators behind your stuck feelings and explore some helpful tools to increase your power against the malady that is Depression.
There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.
Be empowered to be you.
You long for peace in your days, in your nights. You want to clear the fog in your brain and enjoy the things you used to love. Incorporate healthy levels of REST, EXERCISE, and PLEASURE into your life, and see how empowering it can be to lessen Depression’s power.
Incorporate these 3 Habits when Depressed Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.
Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.
Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.
Don’t solve; just listen. It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard. A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.
See yourself as a “bumper.” One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
Let your teen discover their solutions. Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves.
Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication
By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.
It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.
In 2020, Covid was new. We thought we might be home for just a couple of weeks. Those two weeks turned into a couple of months, which turned into 2021. And now, we’re in 2022, and the pandemic is still ongoing. What about pandemic mental health?
Taking care of mental health fell on the back burner for many of us. We needed to survive, and that took up the energy that we would typically use for self-care. 2 years later, we’re starting to feel the effects of that.
Do things feel directionless or purposeless? Maybe it’s burnout you’re feeling or perhaps a lack of motivation. Or is it increased anxiety? Sadness? Depression?
It has been hard to take care of your emotional and mental well-being. It feels especially hard if you’re still working from home. But not taking care of these parts of yourself is not sustainable. You can’t keep waiting for the pandemic to end before starting to take care of yourself. Ignoring your mental and emotional health will have long-lasting negative effects. It’s important to manage your pandemic mental health.
So where can you start?
1. Separate your workspace from your “rest of life” space.
Even if it’s just a corner of your room or a section of your dining table, intentionally use that space as your work zone and nothing else. It’s vital to designate proper spaces for work and life while you’re still working from home. Organizing your space in this way can help reduce the stress of feeling like your office has taken over your home.
2. Pause and mindfully take note of how you are feeling.
You know you feel “off” or “not yourself,” but what does that mean? Are you feeling down? Are you feeling stressed constantly? Are you feeling apathetic? Tune in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings.
3. Identify one enjoyable activity that you can begin engaging with regularly.
What brought you joy or gave you a sense of purpose pre-pandemic? Is there just one thing that you can begin reengaging with as a way to reinspire, reinvigorate, recharge yourself? Whether monthly, weekly, or even daily, start with just one thing you can begin to reconnect with – maybe something lost during the pandemic.
It can feel impossible to know where to start as you consider taking care of your mental health, whether for the first time or the hundredth time. Start with small, manageable steps and slowly build upon those intentional habits – whether it’s separating your work life from your home life, pausing to acknowledge how you’re feeling, or reengaging with things you once loved. Begin taking care of yourself during this time when things continue to remain in flux and unpredictable.
Rose So, MA
I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.
