Anxiety, Managing emotions

Navigating stress as a college student

Written by Here Counseling

This week, a 12am deadline came on the same day a super cute someone invited you to the event with the film club after class. And last week, hours of YouTube searches didn’t help you narrow down between your 3 top potential majors. You know you need to navigate between sleep and deadlines and family and dating and maintaining friends, but it all seems too much. 

Being a college student comes with a fair amount of stress. Trying to balance these never ending elements can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. What’s worse is that during such periods of stress, our brains are primed to adopt a negative self-monologue. 

Turn down the stress voice

Underneath these negative monologues is an unhelpful belief about the self. See if any of these messages fit with your experience, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

“I’m alone.” 

“I’m not good enough.” 

“I’m not safe.” 

“I’m not loved.” 

Take a moment to reflect and analyze what your recent train of thought has been. Asking yourself these questions, could help you narrow it all down: 

  • How has it made you feel? 
  • Do you have that constant trepidation that everything is going to get worse? 
  • Are you replaying all the ways certain people or events have made you feel like you’re not good enough? 
  • Do your dreams feel far from reach? 

Raise the volume on your empowerment voice

Slow down for a moment. Take a look at how far you’ve come. It’s easy to focus on how much you’ve not done or the mistakes you’ve made. 

You cooked dinner for yourself? That’s amazing. 

Came to class even though you were emotionally exhausted? You’re doing your best. 

Have you fought the onslaught of negative words? That’s bravery.

In taking the chance to celebrate your wins, you adopt a more empowering self belief. See if any of these empowering identity messages fit for you, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

“I have plenty of support around me.”

“I’m good at many things.”

“I can be safe with healthy boundaries.”

“I know people who love me.”

Try spending the first 2-5 minutes of your day celebrating what’s right in your life and what that means about your empowering identity message. You can go on preparing for your day. Celebrate all the wins you can in this time. Clap for yourself; applaud your endeavors, high five your mirror reflection! 

Live in your newfound empowerment. 

Think of these identity volumes as operating frameworks. When you step into the day from the framework of “I’m not good enough”, you second guess decisions, taking a long time to make any choice. Perhaps you’ll avoid talking to someone you find attractive. And sitting to write that term paper feels like running a marathon. 

When you increase the volume on your positive identity beliefs such as “I’m good at many things”, you experience the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. You discover an empowerment to make good choices quickly. You find that the term paper doesn’t bring as much stress as before. 

Knowing when you need therapy

Choosing to alter your operating framework to a more empowering self belief is not so simple all the time. Very often, we need to pick apart our life stories and our present stresses in order to understand and even believe what is truly positive and strong about who we are. This journey of exploration can easily be facilitated in a therapy setting. In therapy, we’ll peer underneath the messages and events holding you back from the goals you’ve set for yourself, uncovering and dismantling their negative power on your progress. 

Fill out a contact form or call our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you navigate through the stresses of college life. 

Gavin Cross, LMFT
Gavin Cross, LMFT

Counseling for men and couples
I empower men and couples to embrace an authentic sense of self.

Website Link Here!
Read More
relationship therapy in Los Angeles
Healthy Relationships, Parenting

Did your “Tiger Parent” help? How your Asian upbringing impacts you today

Written by Here Counseling

“Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.

Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.

As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”

You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.

What Is Tiger Parenting?

The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.

Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:

  • Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
  • Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
  • Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)

A belief that discipline = love

In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.

TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY

Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth. 

If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:

  • Cultural and familial context matters
  • We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents

How It Affects You as an Adult

Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.

Many adult children of tiger parents experience:

  • Chronic anxiety or burnout
  • A harsh inner critic
  • Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
  • Shame around failure or “letting people down”
  • Struggles with identity or decision-making

Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.

DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!

Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.

Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors. 

TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD

In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds. 

It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles. 

TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL 

Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.

We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.

The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.

See our Pasadena Therapists
See All Therapists

Signs You Might Still Be Affected Today

You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.

You might:

  • Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
  • Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
  • Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
  • Avoid disappointing others at all costs
  • Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve

These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.

How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting

You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.

Together, we can:

  • Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
  • Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
  • Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
  • Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
  • Learn how to set boundaries without shame
  • Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance

In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.

Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.

Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This

So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.

And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.

You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.

Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.

If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:

  • Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
  • Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
  • Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
  • Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.

Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.

Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.

We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.

You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.

Read More
Managing emotions

How to Find the Right Therapist for You

Written by herecounseling

I know it might sound a little wild but finding a therapist is a lot like dating. Think about it: you go through the classic online searches and scrolls, you ask your peers if they have anyone in mind, and you spend a considerable amount of time and money getting to know potential prospects in the hopes that something clicks. 

“Therapy can be an important investment in your mental health. Finding the right therapist will benefit you immeasurably for life.”

If you have felt like the journey to find “the one” has been overwhelming and seemingly impossible, you are not alone. There are plenty of things that do not work when finding a therapist. However there are some great things that do! Below are three tips to help you find that match for you: 

Knowing what to look for in a therapist can feel never ending. Let’s narrow it down!

1.) Get clear about what you are hoping to find in therapy. 

There are many different types of therapy to choose from and some may not work for your needs. Even if your friend swears by their therapist, your needs may be different. It’s important to ask yourself questions before getting out there to search. 

These questions can sound like: 

  • What trauma am I needing to heal? Whats my reasoning for seeking therapy?
  • What kinds of therapy are helpful to that healing? 
  • Am I in a place where I can accept hard truths about myself? 

Bottom line here is that we know ourselves well enough to know when something feels off. It’s important to take time to process these feelings and experiences as you start your search. Use this time for self reflection and make a list of needs!

Your needs are important to your healing

2.) Search for a therapist based on your area of need. 

Now that you have answered those harder personal questions, it’s time to start your search. Begin by researching clinicians in your area and narrow down a few that look promising and call to set up a few consultations. 

Here are some helpful links to reference in your search:

Helpful Hint: Remember the dating rule 

It’s okay to date around here! Make a few appointments with different people, schedule a second if you feel comfortable. At the end of the day, it’s more about how you feel about them than how you think they are viewing you. Ask about their practices, their training and be clear with them about what you’re expecting from your experience. 

Look for a therapist, not just therapy

3.) Understanding that therapy is not a one size fits all 

Hard to believe, but not every therapist will work for you. Like dating, you may think they are nice to talk to but if they are not able to provide what you are needing in order to grow, it’s okay to move on. It can be a timely process so remember to be patient and understanding with yourself and others as you navigate this journey. 

Once you find a therapist that clicks with you, it’s time for the harder work to begin. Therapy is not the end of a healing journey but the very beginning. It won’t always feel good and it can be hard to hear what your therapist has to say.

Maybe framing it this way will be helpful: 

“You don’t go to therapy, you go to a therapist. Ultimately, it is not the manual used treatment that will be helpful and meaningful to you, it will be a specific person who has walked through this journey with you.”

The goal of therapy is to walk away knowing you have taken the proper steps to care for your mental health. Finding a therapist that aims to guide you in that journey, makes all the difference.

Read More
Managing emotions

Is this normal teenage moodiness or depression?

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Am I overthinking my teen’s moodiness? 

Teen years are some of the most essential years for development and also bring a great range of experiences. Sometimes, in the midst of these many changes, teens may display an increase in expressions of emotional highs and lows. The teenage years are a time of self exploration and development which can feel exhilarating! On the other side of this, there can be a deepening of experiences that feel uncertain and can involve feelings of lowered self worth and depression. While it is normal for teens to experience a variety of emotions, it is important to be aware of what may be a sign that your teenager could be experiencing a depressive episode. 

Before you assume depression, look deeper 

You may be asking yourself whether or not your teen is experiencing what would be considered normal changes in temperament and mood within these teenage years – or if this could be an indicator of depression?  Often parents of teenagers find themselves worried that they may be brushing things off, when in fact the things they are seeing are something that needs greater attention and concern.  Other times, parents find themselves feeling anxious that they aren’t doing enough and fear that they may miss some important sign that could signal greater danger for their teenagers personal well being. Having some clearer guidelines for knowing when things fall outside of the normal range can help you to know if your concerns for your teenagers behaviors are signs of depression.

It could be helpful to use these three simple indicators to help in understanding if your teenager is experiencing a depressive episode.


How long is too long for my teen’s mood?

Change in mood can happen for a variety of reasons, especially in the years of adolescence. However, the difference here is a matter of consistency. It is important to note that just because a teen may seem a little more reserved or withdrawn it does not necessarily indicate the presence of a depressive episode. Teens often have times when they will be more withdrawn or tend to pull back in their normal interactions at home. This can often be a natural shift toward the importance of peers or other relationships in their lives. A good indicator of a change in mood that may be of greater concern for your teen is that of

  • experiencing a low or diminished mood for two weeks or longer
  • continued sadness
  • feelings of hopelessness
  • tearful spells
  • displaying a lack of desire or engagement in activities that they find pleasurable

Is my teen’s mood effecting their daily life?

It is important to consider the effects regarding changes in mood and behavior, including any of the following changes:

  •  significant change in weight or a change in appetite
  •  change in sleep patterns: either a decrease in sleep patterns (difficulty falling or staying asleep) or increase in sleep (greater than the normal range of 8-10 hours of sleep)
  •  consistency in feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
  •  lowered ability to concentrate or difficulty in making decisions on a consistent daily basis
  •  the feeling of lowered motor physical ability or feelings of physical sluggishness happening nearly every day

    These may be things you hear your teenager complaining about or may be things that you or others are noticing for your teenager. If at least two or more of these are present and happening nearly every day, then this may be an indicator that your teen is experiencing something greater than just a normal change in mood.

How is their mood impacting their academic and social performance?

The change in functioning is one that is also very important to consider for your teen.  A question you may want to consider is how the change in your teens mood is affecting their ability to perform normal daily activities. Some things to consider for this include:

  • if the change in their mood has had an impact on their school attendance or punctuality, the ability to maintain part time work of any kind
  • their ability to maintain their social or peer engagements such as normal activities at school, church or other social activities.
  • change in mood is having any effect on their level and engagement in usual self care such as hygiene and personal care, or ability to make a keep a schedule (ie eating regular meals or completing required homework).

Understanding the changes that your teenager may be going through can prove difficult. Ensuring that your teen has the support they need to help them to understand what they are experiencing can be essential.  I would love to set up a time to be able to schedule an initial consultation to help your teen find what they need to navigate their teenage years.

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT 
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT 

I help teens and couples decrease anxiety to find meaningful connection.

LEARN ABOUT KRISTI
Read More
Managing emotions

Fighting with your partner? How to restore connection today

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Are you having that feeling that somehow your partner just doesn’t seem to really understand, no matter how many times you try to tell them what you’re feeling? You ask them to be sure to let you know if they are going to be home late, yet they continue to do this. It infuriates you and it becomes another fight. Couldn’t they just take the time to send a text?

Why is this always the fight?

It’s in these moments that one can begin thinking something like “this is just how things will be” – and we find ourselves giving up hope that connection will be restored.

Often times our attempts to solve the problem feel like they keep causing further frustration and the feeling that things didn’t really change. This may be because we are not addressing the issue that is truly the source of our frustration.

Learning to fight the issue, not your partner

For each of us, there is a desire to know that we have secure attachments. Finding where we can feel safe and can be loved, even at our worst. At times something interrupts our feeling of security and safety with the people we are closest with, and we find ourselves feeling a sense of threat to our well-being. This can cause us to react in an effort to thwart the threat that is detected.

  • If our spouse doesn’t respond to our request for communication, it may be triggering an internal feeling of lack of safety. We may not feel that we are in any physical danger, but there is a feeling that we are not valuable in the relationship. This becomes the primary source of concern, and we begin to find ourselves trying to protect our need to feel safe and secure.

As you are able to slow down and understand what it is that is really going on, you can then utilize these steps to help communicate your needs more directly.

  • Take time to slow down and ask yourself what it is that the other person’s words or actions brought up for you.
  • Name the emotion or feeling. It can help to utilize assertive expression to help in explaining what it is you want to communicate (which can help to limit blaming) and instead express your feelings clearly. An example of this might be: “When you didn’t give me a heads up about coming home late, it made me feel not valued and not important.”
  • Allow time for your partner to respond and really listen to them. If needed, repeat back the feelings you had in the situation without placing blame on them or dismissing your own experience.

Bottom line, restoring connection should remain the focus

It’s important that we are able to notice and express our own experience, rather than pointing fingers or trying to defend ourselves. In doing so, you can move into a place of understanding your emotional experience. By helping your partner better understand the impact of these interactions, your connection will increase and further establish safety and security.

At times, it can be helpful to have a therapist or other professional who can help you to identify these deeper emotional experiences as a way to help increase your feeling of connection within your relationships.

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection.

Learn About Kristi
Read More
LGBTQ emotion regulation
Managing emotions

LGBTQ Emotion Regulation: 4 Powerful and Simple Tips to Survive any Reaction to your Queerness

Written by Here Counseling

Being Queer is something that you’ve worked hard to embrace. You’ve accepted your identity as a fact that you can’t and don’t want to change, and this level of self-acceptance has come with some major benefits.

  • Your anxiety and depression have decreased. 
  • Your understanding of yourself, your dreams, and your likes and dislikes have all increased.
  • Your friendships are rich and complex because you are living as your authentic self.

But while you’ve bulleted forward on your path of understanding and self-acceptance, you’ve left others behind- family members and former friends that you wish would understand and accept you more than they do. When you’re confronted with the vast difference between how far you’ve come and where your loved one is, it can make you feel like the gains you’ve made don’t matter. However, this cannot be further from the truth! Emotion regulation can help when you’re in these situations.

Queer Empathy

You likely have a high sense of empathy due to the ways you now understand yourself. As an LGBTQ individual, you have likely spent upwards of hundreds or thousands of hours contemplating your identity, what it means, and how to exist in a world of heteronormativity and cisnormativity. 

Your family (unless they also identify as LGBTQ) has likely not spent nearly this many hours on the topic. This may mean that some of them are stuck in ways of thinking that have been dictated to them by broader heteronormative culture, and others may be deeply entrenched in an anti-queer bias that seems relentless. 

Emotion regulation to survive reactions to your Queerness.  

Whether a loved one makes an innocent but uneducated comment, or a hateful comment meant to degrade, your emotions can easily get hijacked. It’s important to take a step back and have a quick conversation with your thoughts and emotions to remain centered. 

4 CRUCIAL QUESTIONS TO REGAIN EMOTIONAL CENTEREDNESS

  1. WHAT DOES THIS INTERACTION MAKE ME BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?

Behind our anger, our sadness, our disappointment, is a negative self-belief in response to our loved one’s actions or words. The crucial first step in emotion regulation is to ask yourself- what is the negative self-belief message that you are getting from this interaction. Some of the messages that you might be receiving are:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not loved.
  • I don’t matter.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I’m not safe.

There are many other potential negative self-belief messages that could be attacking you. Listen to your heart and mind, and name which one(s) plague you the most often. 

  1. WHEN I BELIEVE THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Negative self-beliefs are brutal. These messages really want you to self-sabotage. It’s important to know the behaviors and emotions these negative beliefs try to get you to adopt. Typically, a person tends to respond to these messages similarly each time these beliefs come up. The more you ask yourself these emotion regulation questions, the more solid your skills will become. Here are a few examples of unhelpful responses you may experience in response to negative self-beliefs:

  • Anger, retaliation
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etc.)
  • Running away, escape
  • Self-hate, self-blame
  • Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Body symptoms  
  • Stress
  1. WHAT’S TRUE ABOUT ME?

Now it’s time to fight the negative self-belief. In this step, you want to search for evidence that the negative self-belief is untrue. As an LGBTQ individual, it’s also important in this step to ask yourself if the loved one is truly a safe person for you. Many heteronormative individuals have never had to confront their own thoughts, beliefs, and values about Queer identities. Because of this, they may need some time and education in order to change beliefs and decrease problematic comments or responses. For others, their anti-LGBTQ bias may be so entrenched that they may never be safe to be in a relationship with. You might find that this step of searching for truth looks different for the two following categories of truth statements.

With individuals who want to understand but aren’t there yet:

  • This person seems curious, and that curiosity makes me feel seen. 
  • This person is communicating that they love me and I feel loved. 
  • I have this person’s attention. I am important.
  • This person seems shocked, but maybe they just need time. They’ve shown me in the past that I really matter to them.

With individuals who show no interest in understanding or accepting me:

  • I’m loved. The people who love me are not in this room, and that’s okay.
  • This sucks but this will end and I can leave. I can choose to walk away at any point.
  • My journey matters. I won’t abandon it.
  • This is not a safe topic with this person, but I have others I can speak with openly.
  1. IN LIGHT OF THIS TRUTH, HOW DO I WANT TO RESPOND?

Having fought the negative self-belief with evidence of what is true about you, you are now empowered to take control from the negative self-belief and step into the confidence and peace you long for. Some affirmations to move forward are:

  • I will exercise patience and understanding with those putting in an effort to understand and love me. 
  • I will walk away from dehumanizing interactions when I need to, knowing that at the end of the day I still matter. 
  • I will spend extra time thinking of and appreciating those who truly care about me. 
  • I recognize that I know my body, soul, and experience better than someone who has never lived my story. 

How do I know when I need more than emotion regulation- do I need therapy?

Look, I get it. You’re a queer individual in a heteronormative and cisnormative world. You want to love yourself well and be free to love others authentically. Sometimes, we need a little help getting there. You can always ask a therapist for a free consultation to see if therapy could be a good fit for you. 

Stand in your strength!

Incorporate the 4 questions of emotion regulation into your routine when dealing with difficult conversations. 

  1. What does this interaction make me believe about myself? 
  2. When I believe this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s true about me?
  4. In light of this truth, how do I want to respond?

Remember that you have so much value. Negative self-beliefs want you to ignore your value, but it’s always there. Tap into that truth and stand in the confidence and strength that you deserve.

Reference:
Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

Read More
Managing emotions

How to Break Up with Your Therapist: End Therapy if it’s Not the Best Fit

Written by Here Counseling

Want to break up with your therapist? To break up with your therapist, reflect on your reasons, choose your method (session, email, or call), prepare what to say, and communicate clearly. You don’t need a termination session if you feel unsafe. This article will answer your questions about how to approach terminating therapy.

There are many reasons why therapy or a specific therapist may no longer be a good fit for you. You have the right to end therapy and your therapeutic relationship at any time, but it might be difficult to identify the reasons for ending the relationship or how to end the relationship. This article will empower you in your decision to continue or end therapy. 

First, I want to go over some of the reasons that you may choose to end therapy or end your relationship with a therapist. This is not an exhaustive list, so there may be other reasons that influence your decisions, but I hope it helps illustrate some of the reasons.


Why do people break up with their therapist?

  • Your therapist has done harm to you or the therapeutic relationship. This could be something like your therapist not taking feedback well, or something like making a sexual advance. Further below, I’ll discuss the process of filing a complaint against your provider if they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal.
  • You don’t feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Maybe they don’t have a lot of experience in the issue that you want to work on, or maybe a new issue has come up that your current therapist isn’t as familiar with. Perhaps you began therapy to talk about conflict in a relationship, but now you want to focus on the trauma that you’ve experienced and that is not your therapist’s area of expertise.
  • Maybe your therapist has brought up that they are not the right person to provide the support that you need. Your therapist may recommend that you see another therapist for expertise in an issue, utilizing a specific modality, or for a better fit.
  • Your financial circumstances have changed. The session fee is no longer in your budget.
  • You’ve outgrown therapy. When you started therapy, you had goals of things you wanted to change or process. Part of therapy is assessing your progress and goals. If you’ve reached your goals and don’t have others to work on, you might have outgrown therapy for right now.
how to break up with your therapist

How to Break Up with Your Therapist

When you decide to end therapy, you do not owe anything to your therapist. If your experience in therapy has been negative, or you feel unsafe with your therapist, you do not need to have a termination session with them. You can end therapy with a phone call or email. 

If you feel safe having a termination session with your therapist, it can be a good time to process the course of therapy with them- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You get to decide if you want to be done with therapy (like if you’ve outgrown therapy), or if you are interested in finding a therapist who is a better fit for you and your needs.

Sample Scripts for Ending Therapy

  • My needs are no longer being met in this therapeutic relationship.
  • My goals for therapy have changed, and I’d like to work with a therapist who can focus on {this specific issue}
  • I was hurt in this situation between us, and I’m not happy with the way it was/was not resolved. I’m not comfortable continuing to work together.
  • My financial situation has changed, and I can no longer afford your fee. Do you have any sliding scale spots available, or could you provide me with referrals to therapists with lower fees?
  • I’ve reached my therapy goals, and I’d like to take a break from therapy or be done with therapy.

Steps to Break Up with Your Therapist

1. Reflect on Your Reasons

Take time to identify why you want to end therapy (e.g., unmet needs, discomfort, or financial changes).

2. Decide on the Method:

Choose whether to have a termination session, send an email, or make a phone call based on your comfort and safety.

3. Prepare Your Message

If having a session, plan what to say. If writing or calling, draft a clear, respectful message.

4. Communicate Your Decision

Inform your therapist firmly and politely, whether in person, by email, or over the phone.

5. Discuss Next Steps

If needed, ask for referrals to other therapists or instructions for transferring records.

6. Follow Up

Tie up loose ends, such as final payments or confirming referrals.

File a Complaint

If you chose to break up with your therapist because they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal, you can choose to file a complaint to the Board of Psychology against your therapist or psychologist. In California, you can file a complaint through this website. If you aren’t in California, you can search for “file a board of psychology complaint in {insert your state}.” The Board of Psychology regulates the licenses and ethics of mental health clinicians. If you want to know more about the process of filing a complaint, Open Counseling wrote a helpful article.

You Deserve Support

We hope that this article is empowering to you as you think about what is best for you and your mental health. If you are looking for a therapist, consider our therapists! Learn more about them at this link.

See our Pasadena Therapists
See All Therapists

Read More
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Fix a Bad Apology

Written by Here Counseling

The bad apology: We’ve all heard one. We’ve all used one. And when we do it feels so gross.

“God, I’m SORRY!”
“I don’t know what I did but whatever it is I apologize.”
“I guess I’m sorry that you think I wasn’t listening.”
“Look, I said I’m sorry. Why’re you still angry?

No. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. Actually, a bad apology usually makes the person we’re apologizing to even more upset. Because it isn’t really an apology.

How to Tell When an Apology Isn’t Sincere

It can be hard to know when someone really means “I’m sorry” — especially when you’re emotionally raw. But learning to spot the signs of a hollow apology can protect your peace, and help you decide how (or whether) to move forward with someone.

Here are a few signals that the apology you’re hearing might not be coming from a place of true remorse:

1. “If” and “but” apologies
 “If you felt that way” or “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” aren’t real apologies. They dodge responsibility and put the burden on you for having feelings. That’s not repair — that’s evasion.

2. Blame gets redirected
 When an apology slips in a line like “You made me do it,” it’s not about healing — it’s about shifting guilt. Real apologies stay with the impact, not the excuse.

3. It’s vague
 A half-apology might say “I messed up” but skip what exactly was done wrong. If someone can’t name their behavior, it’s hard to believe they really understand it.

4. The focus is on their intentions, not your hurt
 “I didn’t mean to” might be true — but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. If someone is more focused on how misunderstood they feel than how you feel, the apology isn’t landing.5. The pattern repeats
 If you keep hearing “I’m sorry” but nothing ever changes, that’s not growth — that’s a loop. A meaningful apology includes effort. Without that, the words start to feel empty.

A bad apology is a demand. It’s a shield. It’s selfish.

A bad apology translates to:
“Stop feeling angry. Stop being sad. You being upset means I’m a bad person. I don’t wanna hear that. I said I’m sorry so I can be done with this.”

A bad apology takes care of ourselves. It denies responsibility because acknowledging we did something wrong is uncomfortable.

But all of this misses the whole point of an apology.

A good apology is supposed to take care of the person who’s hurt. It’s a gift of your empathy and understanding.

A good apology requires you to sit for a moment in the head of the person across from you and set aside your own discomfort to take care of them.

A good apology provides resolution so that both of you get to feel genuinely better at the end.

The Cost of a Bad Apology

It’s not just that a bad apology doesn’t help — it actually makes things worse. It creates distance instead of closeness. It turns vulnerability into frustration. And over time, it teaches the other person that bringing up hurt feelings isn’t safe or worth it.

When that happens often enough, people stop sharing what they feel. The relationship moves into quiet resentment, emotional shutdown, or blowups that seem to come out of nowhere.

Learning how to apologize well isn’t about being perfect. It’s about keeping the connection open, even in moments of conflict. And that’s what makes a relationship stronger.

Why Are Bad Apologies So Common?

We don’t learn how to apologize well. Most of us grow up seeing apologies used as damage control — a way to end the conversation, not repair the relationship. We see apologies as a transaction: “Say the words, and let’s move on.”

But real apologies require emotional presence, not just polite language. They ask us to sit in discomfort for a minute and consider someone else’s pain without immediately managing our own. That’s a skill many people never learned.

Understanding why bad apologies happen doesn’t excuse them. But it helps us shift from shame to responsibility. And it opens the door to doing things differently.

So if you want to practice a good apology, here are the steps:

Calm yourself.

Criticism often feels deeply personal and emotionally charged. When someone tells you that you did something that hurt or offends them, you’re likely going to feel a sharp pang of adrenaline. Don’t counterattack. Hold back your defensiveness. Don’t argue. Don’t explain why you did what you did. In a good apology, those are inside thoughts. Breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t being attacked, so you don’t need to defend.

Listen.

You have to listen carefully to what the person is upset about. Maybe even repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Then with genuine curiosity and without anger, ask them if you understood. Allow them to correct you and repeat this until you understand clearly.
“Oh, you’re saying that being on the phone when I got home today felt like I was ignoring you. Is that right?”
“…and I wasn’t paying attention to the questions you were asking me. Ok.”

Reflect.

Pause and take a moment to think about how they felt. Really consider the situation from their perspective; then express why their reaction makes sense to you. If it still doesn’t make sense, go back to asking questions (with curiosity and without anger) until it does.
“That makes sense. I can see why if I’m literally not responding it feels like I was ignoring you.”

Take Responsibility.

Accept that you did something wrong. Say this clearly to the other person without trying to soften the “wrongness” of what you did or shift the blame. They will see right through that.
“You’re right. I wasn’t really paying attention today. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I know you like for us to talk when I get home.”

Apologize Directly.

Say the damn words.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I made you feel ignored. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t care about you.”

Take Action.

Identify what you would like to do differently and then do it. And if in the moment, you’re not sure how to fix the problem, you can say that too, as long as you also verbally take the responsibility to think about it and come up with something later.
“Tomorrow I’ll make sure to set down my phone when I come in.”

Check-in.

The point of a good apology is to take care of the person you love. Circle back to how they feel. Gently ask them if they feel better. Keep in mind that they might not feel better, but even if it’s not in this moment, a good apology can lead to emotional resolution.
“I love you. How’re you feeling? ”

When You’re Not Ready to Apologize

Sometimes you’re still hurt, confused, or overwhelmed yourself. And trying to force out an apology when you’re not ready can feel fake — or worse, resentful.

If you’re not ready, it’s okay to say that. But don’t leave the other person hanging. You can say something like:

“I know this mattered to you, and I want to talk about it. I just need a little time to sort through my own feelings so I can be present with you.”

A good apology doesn’t have to be immediate. It has to be sincere. Take the time you need, but stay connected. Let them know you’re coming back to the conversation.

What to Do When the Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

You’ve heard the words, but something still feels… off. The apology doesn’t sit right, and you’re left wondering what to do with that discomfort.

You’re not overreacting. And you don’t have to ignore it.

Here’s what you can try:

Speak honestly about how it landed
 Use “I” statements to reflect how you feel without escalating things. Try:

“I appreciate you trying to make things right, but the apology didn’t feel like it addressed what happened.”

Ask for clarity
 Sometimes, people are well-meaning but unskilled. You can invite them to go deeper:

“Can you help me understand exactly what you’re apologizing for?”

Name what you need
 If you’re ready to move forward but need something specific, say so. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a change in behavior. Either way, you deserve to name your boundaries.

Protect your emotional space
 You don’t owe continued access to someone who consistently disregards your feelings — even if they say “sorry.” You can love someone and still choose distance when needed.

Decide what repair looks like for you
 Genuine repair takes time, effort, and mutual investment. You get to choose what’s best for your well-being, whether that’s reconnection or release.

Calm yourself. Listen. Reflect. Take Responsibility. Apologize Directly. Take Action. Check-in.

A good apology helps. It does what apologies are supposed to do. It takes care of someone who’s hurt.

It’s important to remember that good apologies are necessary but they’re not a silver bullet. All of the above assumes that the person you’re apologizing to is emotionally aware and is acting in good faith. It assumes that they know their needs and are being direct. Without those conditions met, even the best apology might go south.

There are so many things that get in the way of peace in our relationships. If you find yourself stuck, that even your good apologies don’t seem to be moving you toward a place of resolution, please reach out. That’s where therapy can help.

But to start with it’s important to step back from the bad apologies, step back from defending yourself, and in a moment of vulnerability choose to be loving instead.

Therapy Can Help You Practice Apologizing Differently

Apologizing isn’t just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, vulnerability, empathy, and communication patterns. These are deep skills, and if you didn’t grow up learning them, it’s not your fault. But you can learn them now.

In therapy, we help you slow down the moment, notice what’s happening underneath your reactions, and build a new way of responding — one that helps both people feel seen and safe.

If conflict keeps repeating itself in your relationships — even when you’re trying to do the right thing — we’re here to help you break that pattern and build connection instead.

See Our Therapists in Pasadena and LA
See Our Couples Therapists

Read More
Testing and Assessment

Could a Psychological Evaluation help your Immigration Case? Learn the Value in this Article.

Written by Connor McClenahan

Living in a new country as a refugee or trying to change your immigration status can be very stressful. Maybe you are worried that a family member will face deportation. No matter the situation, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that you or your loved one will be able to legally stay in the United States. How could a psychological evaluation help you?

Immigration Psychological Evaluation

For many immigration applications, a psychological evaluation can support your case. This evaluation provides a clear portrayal of your story and describes the hardship you have already faced or expect to face in the future due to deportation. If you have suffered any psychological or physical abuse, it is valuable to have the mental impact of this abuse well documented. 

This article provides a brief description of the kinds of cases in which a psychological evaluation may be helpful. However, this is not legal advice. Consult your attorney about whether a psychological evaluation would support your case. 

Extreme Hardship Waiver

In extreme hardship cases, a waiver can be provided to an applicant if their removal from the US would cause “extreme hardship” for a family member who is a citizen or lawful permanent resident. Your case must show that there will be extreme hardship if family members are separated due to deportation or if family members must relocate with the one being deported. Extreme hardship is defined by the US Citizenship and Immigration Services as a hardship that is more than what is commonly expected for family separation or relocation. Factors in determining hardship may include access to health care, finances, education, caring for family members, safety, and social or cultural impact. 

A psychological report can help to clearly document your situation and the hardship that would result in either family separation or relocation. If separation or relocation may include mental health concerns, a psychological report is invaluable to describe how mental health is likely to be impacted. 

Cheerful aunt laughing and giving cheese to niece while enjoying with family in kitchen at home during weekend

Spousal Abuse (VAWA) 

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was created to provide a pathway to legal status for family members who have experienced abuse from a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (LPR). An immigrant family member is usually reliant on a U.S. citizen or LPR to petition for legal status on their behalf. But for cases in which there has been abuse, VAWA provides protection for individuals to apply without the knowledge, consent, or participation of their abuser. This protection is not just for women, but includes all spouses, children, and parents who have suffered abuse and who would otherwise be dependent on their abuser to apply for immigrant status. 

Abuse in these cases is described as “battery and extreme cruelty.”  This includes physical and sexual abuse as well as non-violent acts or threats of violence that are used to control the victim (ex. isolation, blaming, threats of deportation, etc.) 

A psychological evaluation can be provided as evidence to demonstrate battery and extreme cruelty. Meeting with a psychologist for an evaluation allows clear documentation of the psychological and emotional hardship you have experienced. It allows your story to be portrayed accurately and compassionately in a comprehensive written report. 

U Visa 

A U Visa is similar to a VAWA case in that it allows an individual to self-petition for legal status due to having been the victim of a crime. It provides protection for those who have “suffered substantial mental or physical abuse.” In order to meet requirements, the victim must be willing to participate with law enforcement. 

In these cases, a psychological evaluation can be helpful to document and provide evidence for the mental and emotional impact of abuse. 

Asylum 

Lastly, a psychological evaluation may be helpful if you are seeking asylum. In order to receive asylum status in the United States, you must show that you have suffered persecution or have a well-founded fear of persecution in your home country. Persecution may be based on factors such as race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a social group experiencing discrimination. 

A psychological evaluation documents the persecution or suffering you have already experienced before coming to the United States or the reason why you are fearful that you would not be safe if you returned to your home country. It can also help document the reasons why you did not apply within the year deadline of arrival in the US, if applicable. 

In all of these cases, you want a professional who will treat your case with compassion and expertise. I will work closely with your immigration attorney to create a helpful report that clearly documents what you have been through, your current situation, and any hardship you expect in the future. A psychological evaluation gives you confidence that your unique immigration story will be heard and that evidence for mental health impact will be presented. 

Learn about Psychological Assessment

References: 

Extreme Hardship Waiver: https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-9-part-b
VAWA:  https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-3-part-d
U Visa: https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-3-part-c-chapter-1
Asylum: https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/refugees-and-asylum/asylum

Read More
Healthy Relationships

“Can we talk about it?” Why Difficult Conversations are Just what Your Relationship Needs

Written by Rose So

I get it. It always feels easier to ignore the thing that’s bothering you in your relationships – whether that be with your friend, coworker, boss, family member, or partner. 

You hope that the comment that rubbed you the wrong way or the awkward moment of tension will just pass and be a thing of the past. You hope that with enough time, both you and the other person will forget about that incident and things will just feel normal again.

If you just ignore it hard enough and for long enough, things will go back to how they once were, right?…

But what really ends up happening when you avoid difficult conversations?

Things don’t go back to normal. You don’t forget about the hurt, annoyance, or anger you felt towards that other person. Instead, the longer you go without having that hard conversation often results in tensions rising, things feeling more awkward, and becoming increasingly frustrated and irritated at the smallest issues. The comment or moment you initially hoped would pass becomes the foundation of all the following issues you have with the other person. 

So what can you do instead?

  1. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Was there a particular instance? Was it something that was said? Or something that was done? Whatever it may be, take some intentional time to process through what has left you feeling however it is you’re feeling towards the other person.
  2. Brainstorm what you’d like to communicate to the other person. What are the most important things you’d like to say? Are there things you’d like to say first before following up with additional thoughts? Writing these things down might help you to understand what feels most crucial to eventually communicate to the other person.
  3. Talk those points through with someone who feels safe to you. It can be helpful to have another listening ear be on the receiving end of what you’d eventually like to communicate to the person you’ve felt hurt by. Perhaps that safe person can help you rephrase certain things or even remind you of other important things to mention. 

Difficult conversations are opportunities for individual and relational growth.

While it can initially feel easier to avoid those conversations, dodging them often results in increased tension, anxiety, annoyance, and hurt. Taking some intentional time to work through whatever the issue is between you and the other person may be what brings some actual peace and relief. It might even be an opportunity to strengthen and solidify your relationship with that individual. Moving forward, you may both understand one another better and know how to be a better friend, coworker, sister, brother, partner, etc. 

So take some time to pause, reflect, and communicate. It’s an important part of creating the deep, meaningful, safe relationships we all need to thrive. 

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

Learn more about therapy with Rose

Read More