LGBTQ emotion regulation
Managing emotions

LGBTQ Emotion Regulation: 4 Powerful and Simple Tips to Survive any Reaction to your Queerness

Written by Here Counseling

Being Queer is something that you’ve worked hard to embrace. You’ve accepted your identity as a fact that you can’t and don’t want to change, and this level of self-acceptance has come with some major benefits.

  • Your anxiety and depression have decreased. 
  • Your understanding of yourself, your dreams, and your likes and dislikes have all increased.
  • Your friendships are rich and complex because you are living as your authentic self.

But while you’ve bulleted forward on your path of understanding and self-acceptance, you’ve left others behind- family members and former friends that you wish would understand and accept you more than they do. When you’re confronted with the vast difference between how far you’ve come and where your loved one is, it can make you feel like the gains you’ve made don’t matter. However, this cannot be further from the truth! Emotion regulation can help when you’re in these situations.

Queer Empathy

You likely have a high sense of empathy due to the ways you now understand yourself. As an LGBTQ individual, you have likely spent upwards of hundreds or thousands of hours contemplating your identity, what it means, and how to exist in a world of heteronormativity and cisnormativity. 

Your family (unless they also identify as LGBTQ) has likely not spent nearly this many hours on the topic. This may mean that some of them are stuck in ways of thinking that have been dictated to them by broader heteronormative culture, and others may be deeply entrenched in an anti-queer bias that seems relentless. 

Emotion regulation to survive reactions to your Queerness.  

Whether a loved one makes an innocent but uneducated comment, or a hateful comment meant to degrade, your emotions can easily get hijacked. It’s important to take a step back and have a quick conversation with your thoughts and emotions to remain centered. 

4 CRUCIAL QUESTIONS TO REGAIN EMOTIONAL CENTEREDNESS

  1. WHAT DOES THIS INTERACTION MAKE ME BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?

Behind our anger, our sadness, our disappointment, is a negative self-belief in response to our loved one’s actions or words. The crucial first step in emotion regulation is to ask yourself- what is the negative self-belief message that you are getting from this interaction. Some of the messages that you might be receiving are:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not loved.
  • I don’t matter.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I’m not safe.

There are many other potential negative self-belief messages that could be attacking you. Listen to your heart and mind, and name which one(s) plague you the most often. 

  1. WHEN I BELIEVE THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Negative self-beliefs are brutal. These messages really want you to self-sabotage. It’s important to know the behaviors and emotions these negative beliefs try to get you to adopt. Typically, a person tends to respond to these messages similarly each time these beliefs come up. The more you ask yourself these emotion regulation questions, the more solid your skills will become. Here are a few examples of unhelpful responses you may experience in response to negative self-beliefs:

  • Anger, retaliation
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etc.)
  • Running away, escape
  • Self-hate, self-blame
  • Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Body symptoms  
  • Stress
  1. WHAT’S TRUE ABOUT ME?

Now it’s time to fight the negative self-belief. In this step, you want to search for evidence that the negative self-belief is untrue. As an LGBTQ individual, it’s also important in this step to ask yourself if the loved one is truly a safe person for you. Many heteronormative individuals have never had to confront their own thoughts, beliefs, and values about Queer identities. Because of this, they may need some time and education in order to change beliefs and decrease problematic comments or responses. For others, their anti-LGBTQ bias may be so entrenched that they may never be safe to be in a relationship with. You might find that this step of searching for truth looks different for the two following categories of truth statements.

With individuals who want to understand but aren’t there yet:

  • This person seems curious, and that curiosity makes me feel seen. 
  • This person is communicating that they love me and I feel loved. 
  • I have this person’s attention. I am important.
  • This person seems shocked, but maybe they just need time. They’ve shown me in the past that I really matter to them.

With individuals who show no interest in understanding or accepting me:

  • I’m loved. The people who love me are not in this room, and that’s okay.
  • This sucks but this will end and I can leave. I can choose to walk away at any point.
  • My journey matters. I won’t abandon it.
  • This is not a safe topic with this person, but I have others I can speak with openly.
  1. IN LIGHT OF THIS TRUTH, HOW DO I WANT TO RESPOND?

Having fought the negative self-belief with evidence of what is true about you, you are now empowered to take control from the negative self-belief and step into the confidence and peace you long for. Some affirmations to move forward are:

  • I will exercise patience and understanding with those putting in an effort to understand and love me. 
  • I will walk away from dehumanizing interactions when I need to, knowing that at the end of the day I still matter. 
  • I will spend extra time thinking of and appreciating those who truly care about me. 
  • I recognize that I know my body, soul, and experience better than someone who has never lived my story. 

How do I know when I need more than emotion regulation- do I need therapy?

Look, I get it. You’re a queer individual in a heteronormative and cisnormative world. You want to love yourself well and be free to love others authentically. Sometimes, we need a little help getting there. You can always ask a therapist for a free consultation to see if therapy could be a good fit for you. 

Stand in your strength!

Incorporate the 4 questions of emotion regulation into your routine when dealing with difficult conversations. 

  1. What does this interaction make me believe about myself? 
  2. When I believe this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s true about me?
  4. In light of this truth, how do I want to respond?

Remember that you have so much value. Negative self-beliefs want you to ignore your value, but it’s always there. Tap into that truth and stand in the confidence and strength that you deserve.

Reference:
Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

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Managing emotions

How to Break Up with Your Therapist: End Therapy if it’s Not the Best Fit

Written by Here Counseling

Want to break up with your therapist? To break up with your therapist, reflect on your reasons, choose your method (session, email, or call), prepare what to say, and communicate clearly. You don’t need a termination session if you feel unsafe. This article will answer your questions about how to approach terminating therapy.

There are many reasons why therapy or a specific therapist may no longer be a good fit for you. You have the right to end therapy and your therapeutic relationship at any time, but it might be difficult to identify the reasons for ending the relationship or how to end the relationship. This article will empower you in your decision to continue or end therapy. 

First, I want to go over some of the reasons that you may choose to end therapy or end your relationship with a therapist. This is not an exhaustive list, so there may be other reasons that influence your decisions, but I hope it helps illustrate some of the reasons.


Why do people break up with their therapist?

  • Your therapist has done harm to you or the therapeutic relationship. This could be something like your therapist not taking feedback well, or something like making a sexual advance. Further below, I’ll discuss the process of filing a complaint against your provider if they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal.
  • You don’t feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Maybe they don’t have a lot of experience in the issue that you want to work on, or maybe a new issue has come up that your current therapist isn’t as familiar with. Perhaps you began therapy to talk about conflict in a relationship, but now you want to focus on the trauma that you’ve experienced and that is not your therapist’s area of expertise.
  • Maybe your therapist has brought up that they are not the right person to provide the support that you need. Your therapist may recommend that you see another therapist for expertise in an issue, utilizing a specific modality, or for a better fit.
  • Your financial circumstances have changed. The session fee is no longer in your budget.
  • You’ve outgrown therapy. When you started therapy, you had goals of things you wanted to change or process. Part of therapy is assessing your progress and goals. If you’ve reached your goals and don’t have others to work on, you might have outgrown therapy for right now.
how to break up with your therapist

How to Break Up with Your Therapist

When you decide to end therapy, you do not owe anything to your therapist. If your experience in therapy has been negative, or you feel unsafe with your therapist, you do not need to have a termination session with them. You can end therapy with a phone call or email. 

If you feel safe having a termination session with your therapist, it can be a good time to process the course of therapy with them- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You get to decide if you want to be done with therapy (like if you’ve outgrown therapy), or if you are interested in finding a therapist who is a better fit for you and your needs.

Sample Scripts for Ending Therapy

  • My needs are no longer being met in this therapeutic relationship.
  • My goals for therapy have changed, and I’d like to work with a therapist who can focus on {this specific issue}
  • I was hurt in this situation between us, and I’m not happy with the way it was/was not resolved. I’m not comfortable continuing to work together.
  • My financial situation has changed, and I can no longer afford your fee. Do you have any sliding scale spots available, or could you provide me with referrals to therapists with lower fees?
  • I’ve reached my therapy goals, and I’d like to take a break from therapy or be done with therapy.

Steps to Break Up with Your Therapist

1. Reflect on Your Reasons

Take time to identify why you want to end therapy (e.g., unmet needs, discomfort, or financial changes).

2. Decide on the Method:

Choose whether to have a termination session, send an email, or make a phone call based on your comfort and safety.

3. Prepare Your Message

If having a session, plan what to say. If writing or calling, draft a clear, respectful message.

4. Communicate Your Decision

Inform your therapist firmly and politely, whether in person, by email, or over the phone.

5. Discuss Next Steps

If needed, ask for referrals to other therapists or instructions for transferring records.

6. Follow Up

Tie up loose ends, such as final payments or confirming referrals.

File a Complaint

If you chose to break up with your therapist because they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal, you can choose to file a complaint to the Board of Psychology against your therapist or psychologist. In California, you can file a complaint through this website. If you aren’t in California, you can search for “file a board of psychology complaint in {insert your state}.” The Board of Psychology regulates the licenses and ethics of mental health clinicians. If you want to know more about the process of filing a complaint, Open Counseling wrote a helpful article.

You Deserve Support

We hope that this article is empowering to you as you think about what is best for you and your mental health. If you are looking for a therapist, consider our therapists! Learn more about them at this link.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Fix a Bad Apology

Written by Here Counseling

The bad apology: We’ve all heard one. We’ve all used one. And when we do it feels so gross.

“God, I’m SORRY!”
“I don’t know what I did but whatever it is I apologize.”
“I guess I’m sorry that you think I wasn’t listening.”
“Look, I said I’m sorry. Why’re you still angry?

No. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. Actually, a bad apology usually makes the person we’re apologizing to even more upset. Because it isn’t really an apology.

How to Tell When an Apology Isn’t Sincere

It can be hard to know when someone really means “I’m sorry” — especially when you’re emotionally raw. But learning to spot the signs of a hollow apology can protect your peace, and help you decide how (or whether) to move forward with someone.

Here are a few signals that the apology you’re hearing might not be coming from a place of true remorse:

1. “If” and “but” apologies
 “If you felt that way” or “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” aren’t real apologies. They dodge responsibility and put the burden on you for having feelings. That’s not repair — that’s evasion.

2. Blame gets redirected
 When an apology slips in a line like “You made me do it,” it’s not about healing — it’s about shifting guilt. Real apologies stay with the impact, not the excuse.

3. It’s vague
 A half-apology might say “I messed up” but skip what exactly was done wrong. If someone can’t name their behavior, it’s hard to believe they really understand it.

4. The focus is on their intentions, not your hurt
 “I didn’t mean to” might be true — but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. If someone is more focused on how misunderstood they feel than how you feel, the apology isn’t landing.5. The pattern repeats
 If you keep hearing “I’m sorry” but nothing ever changes, that’s not growth — that’s a loop. A meaningful apology includes effort. Without that, the words start to feel empty.

A bad apology is a demand. It’s a shield. It’s selfish.

A bad apology translates to:
“Stop feeling angry. Stop being sad. You being upset means I’m a bad person. I don’t wanna hear that. I said I’m sorry so I can be done with this.”

A bad apology takes care of ourselves. It denies responsibility because acknowledging we did something wrong is uncomfortable.

But all of this misses the whole point of an apology.

A good apology is supposed to take care of the person who’s hurt. It’s a gift of your empathy and understanding.

A good apology requires you to sit for a moment in the head of the person across from you and set aside your own discomfort to take care of them.

A good apology provides resolution so that both of you get to feel genuinely better at the end.

The Cost of a Bad Apology

It’s not just that a bad apology doesn’t help — it actually makes things worse. It creates distance instead of closeness. It turns vulnerability into frustration. And over time, it teaches the other person that bringing up hurt feelings isn’t safe or worth it.

When that happens often enough, people stop sharing what they feel. The relationship moves into quiet resentment, emotional shutdown, or blowups that seem to come out of nowhere.

Learning how to apologize well isn’t about being perfect. It’s about keeping the connection open, even in moments of conflict. And that’s what makes a relationship stronger.

Why Are Bad Apologies So Common?

We don’t learn how to apologize well. Most of us grow up seeing apologies used as damage control — a way to end the conversation, not repair the relationship. We see apologies as a transaction: “Say the words, and let’s move on.”

But real apologies require emotional presence, not just polite language. They ask us to sit in discomfort for a minute and consider someone else’s pain without immediately managing our own. That’s a skill many people never learned.

Understanding why bad apologies happen doesn’t excuse them. But it helps us shift from shame to responsibility. And it opens the door to doing things differently.

So if you want to practice a good apology, here are the steps:

Calm yourself.

Criticism often feels deeply personal and emotionally charged. When someone tells you that you did something that hurt or offends them, you’re likely going to feel a sharp pang of adrenaline. Don’t counterattack. Hold back your defensiveness. Don’t argue. Don’t explain why you did what you did. In a good apology, those are inside thoughts. Breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t being attacked, so you don’t need to defend.

Listen.

You have to listen carefully to what the person is upset about. Maybe even repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Then with genuine curiosity and without anger, ask them if you understood. Allow them to correct you and repeat this until you understand clearly.
“Oh, you’re saying that being on the phone when I got home today felt like I was ignoring you. Is that right?”
“…and I wasn’t paying attention to the questions you were asking me. Ok.”

Reflect.

Pause and take a moment to think about how they felt. Really consider the situation from their perspective; then express why their reaction makes sense to you. If it still doesn’t make sense, go back to asking questions (with curiosity and without anger) until it does.
“That makes sense. I can see why if I’m literally not responding it feels like I was ignoring you.”

Take Responsibility.

Accept that you did something wrong. Say this clearly to the other person without trying to soften the “wrongness” of what you did or shift the blame. They will see right through that.
“You’re right. I wasn’t really paying attention today. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I know you like for us to talk when I get home.”

Apologize Directly.

Say the damn words.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I made you feel ignored. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t care about you.”

Take Action.

Identify what you would like to do differently and then do it. And if in the moment, you’re not sure how to fix the problem, you can say that too, as long as you also verbally take the responsibility to think about it and come up with something later.
“Tomorrow I’ll make sure to set down my phone when I come in.”

Check-in.

The point of a good apology is to take care of the person you love. Circle back to how they feel. Gently ask them if they feel better. Keep in mind that they might not feel better, but even if it’s not in this moment, a good apology can lead to emotional resolution.
“I love you. How’re you feeling? ”

When You’re Not Ready to Apologize

Sometimes you’re still hurt, confused, or overwhelmed yourself. And trying to force out an apology when you’re not ready can feel fake — or worse, resentful.

If you’re not ready, it’s okay to say that. But don’t leave the other person hanging. You can say something like:

“I know this mattered to you, and I want to talk about it. I just need a little time to sort through my own feelings so I can be present with you.”

A good apology doesn’t have to be immediate. It has to be sincere. Take the time you need, but stay connected. Let them know you’re coming back to the conversation.

What to Do When the Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

You’ve heard the words, but something still feels… off. The apology doesn’t sit right, and you’re left wondering what to do with that discomfort.

You’re not overreacting. And you don’t have to ignore it.

Here’s what you can try:

Speak honestly about how it landed
 Use “I” statements to reflect how you feel without escalating things. Try:

“I appreciate you trying to make things right, but the apology didn’t feel like it addressed what happened.”

Ask for clarity
 Sometimes, people are well-meaning but unskilled. You can invite them to go deeper:

“Can you help me understand exactly what you’re apologizing for?”

Name what you need
 If you’re ready to move forward but need something specific, say so. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a change in behavior. Either way, you deserve to name your boundaries.

Protect your emotional space
 You don’t owe continued access to someone who consistently disregards your feelings — even if they say “sorry.” You can love someone and still choose distance when needed.

Decide what repair looks like for you
 Genuine repair takes time, effort, and mutual investment. You get to choose what’s best for your well-being, whether that’s reconnection or release.

Calm yourself. Listen. Reflect. Take Responsibility. Apologize Directly. Take Action. Check-in.

A good apology helps. It does what apologies are supposed to do. It takes care of someone who’s hurt.

It’s important to remember that good apologies are necessary but they’re not a silver bullet. All of the above assumes that the person you’re apologizing to is emotionally aware and is acting in good faith. It assumes that they know their needs and are being direct. Without those conditions met, even the best apology might go south.

There are so many things that get in the way of peace in our relationships. If you find yourself stuck, that even your good apologies don’t seem to be moving you toward a place of resolution, please reach out. That’s where therapy can help.

But to start with it’s important to step back from the bad apologies, step back from defending yourself, and in a moment of vulnerability choose to be loving instead.

Therapy Can Help You Practice Apologizing Differently

Apologizing isn’t just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, vulnerability, empathy, and communication patterns. These are deep skills, and if you didn’t grow up learning them, it’s not your fault. But you can learn them now.

In therapy, we help you slow down the moment, notice what’s happening underneath your reactions, and build a new way of responding — one that helps both people feel seen and safe.

If conflict keeps repeating itself in your relationships — even when you’re trying to do the right thing — we’re here to help you break that pattern and build connection instead.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

What to do when I’m Anxious? Four simple questions to put you back on track.

Written by Here Counseling

Anxiety is that pesky companion that wants to rob you of your control in life. 

  • It hijacks your thoughts during important moments.
  • It tenses your shoulders, your chest, and your digestive system. 
  • It over activates your “what if” fears.
  • It can affect your sleep, diet, and ability to stay present and attentive to life.

You want to take a deep breath, rest once in a while, to be assured that somehow everything will be okay, but Anxiety’s “what if” voice has your amygdala doing somersaults, taxing your nervous system with a constant, low-volume version of fight or flight. 

Anxiety’s Master Plan

Anxiety is most successful at taking over if it can convince you there’s something in your life that isn’t secure or loved. Your amygdala may automatically trigger your fight or flight response when you feel unsafe or unloved.

Fight or flight is beneficial when you are in present physical danger. Your digestive system shuts down, your logic and reasoning are dulled, blood rushes to contracted muscles, and your heart rate increases, so you can expend the energy where it matters when in danger: getting to safety.

Fight or flight is less helpful when you’re worried about a promotion, when you don’t know if you and your partner see eye-to-eye, when a difficult test is around the corner and you aren’t sure if you studied enough. 

We want to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s voice of unsafety and insecurity. Turning down the volume will help you gain a little more control over when you need your amygdala’s essential function and when you don’t. The way to turn on the brain’s logic center is by asking ourselves four crucial questions.

4 Important questions to regain control from Anxiety

1) WHAT AM I FEELING IN REGARDS TO MY SECURITY AND SENSE OF BEING LOVED?

Anxiety’s power is in convincing you that things cannot be okay. Its voice is always found in an unhelpful statement about yourself:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not enough.
  • It’s hopeless.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I should have known better.
  • I’m a failure.

This list is not exhaustive. There are many potential unhelpful messages that Anxiety may be trying to tell you about yourself.

For some, this first question will be the hardest of the four, but it’s essential to start here with Anxiety’s voice so you know how to speak to it. Behind your racing heart, behind your fear of calling that parent, behind your worry about what someone else is thinking, there is an unhelpful voice trying to convince you something negative about WHO YOU ARE. Try in this first step to name that message.

2) WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Anxious symptoms and behaviors are a response to those unhelpful messages that Anxiety wants you to believe about yourself. If you’re convinced you are unwanted, you may struggle with sleeping or what you eat. When feeling hopeless, you may respond in outrage. If you feel like a failure, you may give up or spend hours thinking through a problem instead of experiencing peace, rest, and a solution.

You’ll win the battle against Anxiety when you can 1) name the negative message about your security and sense of being loved, and 2) when you can name how you are tempted to respond to the aforementioned negative message. Here is a small list of potential examples:

  • Excessive worry
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etcetera)
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lashing out
  • Giving up
  • Fatigue
  • Body symptoms  
  • Feeling on edge
  • Changes in diet

3) WHAT’S POSITIVE AND TRUE ABOUT ME?

Here’s where you can consciously choose to divert your attention to evidence that contradicts Anxiety’s unhelpful voice, where you entertain thoughts that are more true about who you are. If this step is difficult, you can begin by journaling about times the negative message was untrue about you. Eventually, practice diverting to these more positive messages in the middle of Anxiety’s advances to lessen its power.

  • There are plenty of reasons to hope.
  • I have proven I can succeed.
  • I will get through it.
  • I did the best I could.
  • There’s reason to believe I am loved and cared for.

4) HOW WOULD I RATHER RESPOND?

Through knowing the truth of who you are and the strength and love inside of you, you have now turned down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful voice and can choose more helpful behaviors and fewer body symptoms.

  • Practice deep breathing and mindfulness.
  • Give attention to the people around you instead of to the problem.
  • Improve eating and sleeping habits.
  • Enjoy soothing behaviors like TV, alcohol, etc., in a healthier, non-excessive way.
  • Complete tasks efficiently with a more solution and strength-based mindset.

How do I know when I need therapy?

Anxiety can be a formidable adversary to fight. Maybe you want a coach to walk you through these four steps. Or perhaps you’d like a little help looking underneath the unhelpful messages, understanding the deeper unconscious drives that have led to some of the symptoms you experience.

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.

You’ve got this!

Integrate these four questions into a regular routine. 

  1. What am I feeling in regards to my security and sense of being loved?
  2. When I feel this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s positive and true about me?
  4. How would I rather respond?

Eventually, you’ll be able to quickly cycle through these four questions in the middle of a stressful experience, utilizing the empowerment of truth to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful messages, and living in the peace and accomplish you long for. 

Questions to Respond to Anxiety Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet

Reference:

Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I empower young adults and couples to enjoy connection and embrace life transitions.

Learn about therapy with Gavin
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Managing emotions

Therapist shopping and feeling overwhelmed? Ask these questions.

Written by Here Counseling

Choosing a potential therapist is a big deal, and the significance can make the decision feel overwhelming. This article and the accompanying worksheet will help you think through important factors when deciding on a therapist. Many therapists (including our therapists at Here) offer 10 or 15-minute consultations to ask questions and see if a therapist is the right fit for you. These consultations allow you to meet with a therapist or even multiple therapists before making a financial and time investment in a therapeutic relationship. 

As a note, therapists set their boundaries and choose what they feel comfortable disclosing. Holding boundaries is their right, AND you can choose not to see a therapist who doesn’t answer questions about important issues.


Questions to ask yourself:

  • What is most important to you when choosing a therapist? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. This is your therapist and your journey. You know what matters most. Maybe you have a marginalized identity, and you want to see that identity reflected in your therapist. Perhaps you want a specific type of therapy like EMDR or DBT. Or maybe it’s important to you that you can see a therapist via telehealth to fit a therapy session into your busy schedule. Identify what is important to you and stick by that.
  • How do you know when your therapist is a good fit? Maybe you’ve been to therapy before, and you know what makes you feel safe in a therapeutic relationship.

Questions to ask a potential therapist:

  • What is your definition of mental health? Psychological theories have different opinions on what mental health is. It is important to ask potential therapists about their definition of mental health so that you can compare it with yours. Knowing the definition helps you see if you and your therapist will have compatible goals.
  • What is your theoretical orientation? There are so many theoretical orientations that a therapist can use! A theoretical orientation has specifics on what mental health is, what a therapy session looks like, how much self-disclosure your therapist uses, how frequently you meet, how long the course of therapy is, how they think about psychopathology, and more. You have the right to ask a potential therapist about their theoretical orientation, and a therapist should be able to give you a summary in understandable terminology.
  • Have you worked with my issues/mental illnesses before? This is a great question! What experience does this therapist have that will help them work with you? Many reasons could bring you to therapy, and no way that one therapist could specialize in all of the reasons people begin treatment. Even if a therapist has listed a specialty or experience with an issue on their website, you can ask them to discuss this in greater detail.
  • Have you worked with my particular identities before? How do you integrate theories or training to better treat and support me? Especially if you have one or more marginalized identities, asking this question is a matter of safety. It is absolutely your right to ask your potential therapist how they create safety in sessions. Does this therapist incorporate anti-racist learning and training? What specific trainings have they attended to learn about your diagnosis? What additional certifications do they have? Whatever information you need to feel safe, you can ask.
  • What is the fee for a session? In addition to this question, you might want to know if this therapist accepts insurance or if they’ll provide a superbill for you to submit to your insurance.
  • What policies of your practice should I know? Some of these policies could be canceling appts, COVID-19 safety (vaccine requirements, masks, etc.), and ending treatment.

Above all,

I hope that this article helps you to feel less overwhelmed and more empowered as you search for the therapist that is the right fit for you. If you are interested in learning more about our therapists, click here. If you would like to set up a consultation with one of our therapists, click here.

Questions for your Potential Therapist Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Moriah Conant, MA
Moriah Conant, MA

I connect you with therapists at Here who can help you overcome the biggest obstacles in your life.

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clear your mind
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Three simple steps to help you clear your mind and give you more energy.

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Do you ever have one of those nights – where you find yourself tossing and turning, your mind filled with thoughts and worries, “what ifs,” and feelings of uncertainty or fear? Sometimes these same feelings and thoughts pop up throughout the day, with a sudden sense of your mind racing, your heart rate speeding up, and breathing getting shallow. Suddenly, all you can think about is what you said or how you may have messed things up, and your mind begins to consider all the possible things that could happen or go wrong. All of a sudden, that one small thing feels like it has become a massive storm with certainty that everything will go wrong.

But could you learn to take back control of these moments of worry and begin to find a place of rest for your mind and body? By practicing just a few simple steps, you can start to quiet the storm inside your mind, leading to more clarity, better sleep, and the ability to breathe a little more deeply.

Consider these three simple steps to help clear your mind and begin to rest.

  1. Name the fear.
    It’s essential to identify what is at the root of our anxiety. Slowing down and naming what you are most worried about can help you see just what you are most fearful of happening. Maybe it’s the fear that you will lose your job or that you may lose someone you love. Whatever it is, taking a deep breath and saying what you fear will help you begin to take a step toward understanding what has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
  2. State a truth.
    Consider the fact that what you fear could happen, but it is essential also to consider that the facts that may support this fear becoming a reality may not be the whole truth. Often there may be some truths that challenge this fear. Maybe it was another project you worked on that proved you competent and a great asset to your workplace. Or that making one mistake does not mean that you are a complete failure.
  3. Imagine the “best-case scenario.”
    These feelings of fear and uncertainty are often based on the worst-case scenario. What would it be like to ask yourself to consider the “what ifs” for the best-case outcome? Seeing yourself as capable of overcoming or succeeding, rather than imagining only adverse outcomes, may allow you to realize that your fear is only one possibility of what could happen. In reality, there is a possibility of a positive outcome.

As you allow your mind to focus not only on the possibility of what could go wrong and consider what could go right, you may start to notice a mental shift. This shift comes as your mind begins to slow down, and you can think more clearly, sleep more soundly, and feel more energetic in your everyday life.

Clear Your Mind Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

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Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

Learn more about therapy with Kristi
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Managing emotions

What to do when I’m Depressed: 3 habits to incorporate for your mental health.

Written by Here Counseling

It can feel impossible to get ahead of what Depression tries to take from your life. 

  • You find it hard to do the things you once loved.
  • You wonder if your energy and drive will ever return. 
  • Your relationship with food, sleep, sex, and motivation no longer makes any sense.

You want to regain control of the peace you once felt, but the peace seems so far away you aren’t even sure you remember how peace felt. 

Depression’s Sneaky Goals

Depression often makes its entrance through a mix of difficult life experiences, misfiring chemicals in the brain, unhelpful interpretations of events or relational interactions, or even all of the above. But Depression flexes its malicious strength by working to convince you that there is nothing you can do to stop it. 

Depression’s Goals:

  • Convincing you to spend more time alone, away from loved ones or fun activities that can help diminish its power
  • Persuading you to overeat or undereat, affecting your glucose levels and subsequently keeping you in a foggy mindspace.
  • Assuring you that you don’t have the energy to get out of bed, thus keeping you in a lethargic state that encourages more tiredness.

Saying NO to Depression’s Power

1. REST

Many who suffer from Depression experience either hypersomnolence (too much sleep), or insomnolence (too little sleep). The result of too little or too much rest is a crushing lack of energy. Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep, keeping in mind that urges to oversleep or overrelax are Depression’s wants, not yours. Set an alarm and adhere to it with strict determination. You have the strength within you to say NO to Depression’s goals. 

If initiating sleep is difficult, cut caffeine earlier in the day, avoid screens for the final hours of the day, and ensure a relaxing bedroom environment as bedtime approaches. If these fixes don’t help, talk to your doctor about your difficulty sleeping.

Equally, remember that relaxing in waking hours is necessary. Allow yourself to lay on the couch and watch some comedies without guilt, but remember that getting off the couch after a reasonable amount of time is equally important. 

2. EXERCISE

Have you heard of a runner’s high? Or a weight-lifter’s euphoria? Feel-good chemicals released in your brain during exercise, chemicals like endorphins, endocannabinoids, dopamine, and serotonin can feel like pure magic if exercise is part of your regular health routine. 

Regular exercise can also regulate your body’s relationship with food and healthy sleep. Saying NO to Depression’s seduction toward lethargy by moving your body is one of the single greatest practices you can incorporate into your health routine. 

3. PLEASURE

Your friends want to spend time together, to participate in activities that used to bring joy, but now you can hardly imagine responding to their texts. Just saying YES to dinner and a movie can feel like the bravest three letters you’ve ever typed. But you ARE brave, so do it! Drag yourself to the car and get that chicken parm you love so much when your best friend wants to see you. Make sure to get a great hug. In bravely seeking out pleasure with others, you’ll release dopamine and oxytocin, more feel-good chemicals, into your body, and watch as Depression’s power begins to shrink. 

How do I know when I need therapy?

Perhaps you wonder if you need a little extra help. Are you finding yourself in the same patterns and nothing seems to help? Maybe you’ve reached out to friends, gone to the gym regularly, been strict about your sleep and rest, and you don’t feel better. 

Depression can be a complicated adversary, one we sometimes need a little help to tackle. In therapy, we’ll peer behind the unconscious motivators behind your stuck feelings and explore some helpful tools to increase your power against the malady that is Depression. 

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is. 

Be empowered to be you. 

You long for peace in your days, in your nights. You want to clear the fog in your brain and enjoy the things you used to love. Incorporate healthy levels of REST, EXERCISE, and PLEASURE into your life, and see how empowering it can be to lessen Depression’s power. 

Incorporate these 3 Habits when Depressed Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I empower young adults and couples to enjoy connection and embrace life transitions.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Parenting

Can changing the way you listen help you feel more connected with your teen?

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.

Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.  

Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.

  1. Don’t solve; just listen. 
    It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard.  A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.  
  2. See yourself as a “bumper.”
    One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
  3. Let your teen discover their solutions. 
    Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves. 

Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication

By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.

It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.  

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

Learn More about Therapy with Kristi

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pandemic mental health
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Taking care of your mental health during this ongoing pandemic

Written by Rose So

In 2020, Covid was new. We thought we might be home for just a couple of weeks. Those two weeks turned into a couple of months, which turned into 2021. And now, we’re in 2022, and the pandemic is still ongoing. What about pandemic mental health?

Taking care of mental health fell on the back burner for many of us. We needed to survive, and that took up the energy that we would typically use for self-care. 2 years later, we’re starting to feel the effects of that.

Do things feel directionless or purposeless? Maybe it’s burnout you’re feeling or perhaps a lack of motivation. Or is it increased anxiety? Sadness? Depression?

It has been hard to take care of your emotional and mental well-being. It feels especially hard if you’re still working from home. But not taking care of these parts of yourself is not sustainable. You can’t keep waiting for the pandemic to end before starting to take care of yourself. Ignoring your mental and emotional health will have long-lasting negative effects. It’s important to manage your pandemic mental health.

So where can you start?

1. Separate your workspace from your “rest of life” space.

  1. Even if it’s just a corner of your room or a section of your dining table, intentionally use that space as your work zone and nothing else. It’s vital to designate proper spaces for work and life while you’re still working from home. Organizing your space in this way can help reduce the stress of feeling like your office has taken over your home.

2. Pause and mindfully take note of how you are feeling.

  1. You know you feel “off” or “not yourself,” but what does that mean? Are you feeling down? Are you feeling stressed constantly? Are you feeling apathetic? Tune in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings.

3. Identify one enjoyable activity that you can begin engaging with regularly.

  1. What brought you joy or gave you a sense of purpose pre-pandemic? Is there just one thing that you can begin reengaging with as a way to reinspire, reinvigorate, recharge yourself? Whether monthly, weekly, or even daily, start with just one thing you can begin to reconnect with – maybe something lost during the pandemic.

It can feel impossible to know where to start as you consider taking care of your mental health, whether for the first time or the hundredth time. Start with small, manageable steps and slowly build upon those intentional habits – whether it’s separating your work life from your home life, pausing to acknowledge how you’re feeling, or reengaging with things you once loved. Begin taking care of yourself during this time when things continue to remain in flux and unpredictable.

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

These myths are keeping you depressed in your relationship

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter how hard you try to make a change, you are just not able to “get it right” in the relationships and with the people that matter to you the most? You might find yourself worried all the time, holding back in your interactions, second-guessing yourself, or even finding that you want to give up because you feel so uncertain about if things will get better.

You might be having a depressive experience.

Feeling depressed in a relationship may look like this:

  • you internalize responsibility for all of your mistakes
  • you find yourself ruminating on your words and actions
  • you feel exhausted after being with your partner
  • you avoid conflict

One of the first steps toward change is naming the myths that often contribute to feeling depressed in your relationships.  

Could one of these common myths be keeping you stressed or depressed in your most important relationships?

Myths that may be Keeping you Depressed in your Relationship

  1. “I have to get it right all the time.” It’s impossible for us to do things perfectly every time, especially when talking about relationships. Instead, it is crucial to recognize that we will have ups and downs and let those be ok and normal.  
  2. “I always mess things up.” When we make a mistake, it can be easy to go back to a headspace of feeling like all we do is mess up. However, this mindset overlooks everything that has gone well in our relationships and the value we add to those relationships.
  3. “My relationship doesn’t look like “their” relationship.” Comparing ourselves and our relationships with what we see around us is typical.  But sometimes, comparison can cause us to begin to believe that somehow we aren’t measuring up or that we are the only one for whom things are difficult.  Everyone has difficulties, and sometimes we may need to remind ourselves that there isn’t one way to be in a relationship. 

Once we recognize the myths we may believe, we can change these thoughts and decrease the stress that keeps us feeling depressed in our relationships.  

As you begin to shift some of these thinking patterns, you can move away from your hesitations and worries. From here, you can continue taking steps toward a greater sense of ease and connection in your relationships.

Identifying the myths that may be keeping you feeling depressed is an essential first step in the journey toward feeling less depressed and moving toward more profound, more intimate connections. 

When Therapy may be Helpful for your Relationship

Therapy may be a helpful step for individuals or couples struggling with finding deep intimacy in their relationships. A therapist can provide a safe space and support to help you identify the myths that have you feeling depressed and help you move forward toward finding the sense of connection you have long desired.  

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THERAPY WITH KRISTI

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