Panic attacks can feel overwhelming, sudden, and out of your control. Your heart races, your chest tightens, your breath shortens, and it can feel like something terrible is about to happen—even if there’s no clear danger in front of you. While these intense experiences are deeply disruptive, they are not signs of weakness or brokenness. Your nervous system is fighting to protect you.
In somatic therapy, we understand panic attacks as the body going into survival overdrive. The nervous system is responding to a real or perceived threat, flooding the brain with signals that it’s not safe. But just as the body can be activated into a fight-or-flight response, it can also be gently guided back into a state of regulation and calm.
Let’s explore how somatic practices can support you in moments of panic—offering your nervous system the safety and care it needs to complete the trauma response and come back to balance.
Why Panic Attacks Happen: A Nervous System Perspective
When a panic attack strikes, it’s not just “in your head”—your entire nervous system is activated. This is your body’s ancient survival response kicking in. It prepares you to fight, flee, or freeze in response to perceived danger.
Common physical symptoms of panic include:
Rapid heartbeat
Chest tightness
Racing thoughts
Trembling or shaking
Dizziness or hyperventilation
These reactions are not random—they are survival energy moving through your system. And with the right tools, you can help that energy discharge safely, instead of staying stuck.
You Don’t Have to Manage Panic Alone
If panic attacks are disrupting your life, therapy can help you feel safer in your body again. Reach out today to explore somatic tools that truly support you.
The Somatic Shift: Meet Panic with Compassion, Not Fear
What if, instead of fighting the panic or trying to shut it down, you learned to meet it with presence and care?
When we respond to panic with curiosity, compassion, and somatic tools, we invite the nervous system to complete what it started—to finish the trauma response and return to regulation. This process is at the heart of somatic therapy.
Below are several somatic practices that can soothe the nervous system during a panic attack and help it remember safety.
Somatic Practices for Panic Relief
1. Ice Packs Under the Armpits
Placing ice packs or even cold compresses under your arms can initiate the diving reflex—a powerful response that slows your heart rate and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (your body’s calming system). The diving reflex redirects oxygen-rich blood back toward vital organs like the heart and lungs instead of outer extremities.
This sudden cold exposure also shocks your brain into focusing on a new, non-threatening sensation, which can help interrupt the panic loop.
2. Deep Vocalization (or Shaking)
Making low, resonant sounds like a long sigh, deep hum, groan, or primal yell can activate the vagus nerve, which is a key player in nervous system regulation. These sounds signal to your brain: “I am safe. I am grounded.” Shaking—like literally letting your arms, legs, or whole body tremble—is another natural way to discharge adrenaline and survival energy stored in the body. Somatic trauma expert, Peter Levine, describes this process as re-channeling the survival energy into an active response that returns the body to safety.
3. Chew Gum (or Pretend to Chew)
The brain associates chewing with eating, and we don’t eat when we’re in danger. Chewing activates the rest-and-digest part of the nervous system and signals safety. Even pretending or mimicking chewing can begin to send calming signals to your brain and body. This simple action can help shift you out of a stress response by mimicking a non-threatening behavior. It’s especially helpful in public spaces where more obvious somatic tools might not feel accessible.
4. Wall Pushes for Strength and Stability
Pushing your palms firmly into a wall, with steady pressure, can help anchor you in your body. When pushing against a wall, we engage the fight response– particularly deep core muscles like the psoas, which are strongly linked to the stress response. Pushing sends a signal to your brain that you are strong, capable, and present.
5. Suck on Sour or Spicy Candy
Panic loops tend to keep the brain . A sudden strong sensory input—like a sour lemon candy or spicy flavor—gives your brain something new and intense to focus on, interrupting the cycle. But beyond just being a distraction, sucking itself is a powerful somatic act. From infancy, sucking is one of the first self-soothing mechanisms we develop. It’s rhythmic, repetitive, and deeply regulating. Engaging this reflex as an adult can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, specifically the vagus nerve, helping the body shift from a state of high alert to one of calm and rest. This simple action can reconnect you to a felt sense of comfort and safety—rooted in the earliest ways our bodies learned to self-regulate.
Rewiring the Nervous System Over Time
If panic or anxiety is a regular part of your life, these tools can offer immediate disruption of the pain cycle—but they are not a cure-all. Ongoing panic may be a sign that your nervous system is stuck in survival mode and hasn’t learned how to return to a state of rest and regulation.
This is where somatic therapy can be transformative. Through consistent work with a trained therapist, you can begin to:
Release stored trauma
Complete unfinished survival responses
Rewire your nervous system for safety, peace, and resilience
You Are Not Broken—You’re Wired for Protection
Panic is not a flaw. It’s your body trying to protect you.
And with somatic support, your system can learn that it’s safe to let the alarm settle.
If you’re ready for deeper healing—beyond just managing symptoms—somatic therapy can help you feel safe in your body again.
Interested in working together to support your nervous system healing? Schedule a free phone consultation to learn more about somatic therapy and how it can help you move from survival to safety.
In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?
In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.
“Set them or suffer”
How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness
In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.
Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”
The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.
What’s behind this whole boundary thing?
Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence
You don’t have to choose between keeping the peace and honoring yourself. Start therapy and learn how to speak up without feeling guilty.
The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.
Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:
Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.
To summarize this progression:
Step
Description
1. Social Isolation
Social isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-Pleasing
We suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted Corner
We create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. Suppression
We suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. Projection
We think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude Boundaries
We react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.
Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships
While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.
3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:
Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.
These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.
Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries
True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.
In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”
3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness
Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:
Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.
If You’re the People-Pleaser:
Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries
Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:
“I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?” How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
“You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?” How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
“I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?” How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
“This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.” How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
“You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.” How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
“Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?” How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.
If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:
How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict
Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:
“I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.” How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
“It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.” How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
“I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?” How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
“Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?” How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
“You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.” How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
“I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?” How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
“It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.” How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.
Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life
To cultivate this approach, start small:
Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.
This turns boundaries into relational strengths.
Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way
Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.
To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.
FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships
What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?
It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.
How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?
Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.
How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?
Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”
Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?
Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.
If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from others in your life, you’re not alone. The U.S. surgeon general recently declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic affecting people of every age, background, and experience.1 Whether you have struggled with loneliness for as long as you can remember or have recently become disconnected from important people in your life, there are many ways to improve your connection and enjoyment in relationships.
Social support comes from strong relationships
To improve your sense of connection to others it helps to understand what relationships provide. One of the key ways that relationships benefit us is through social support, or “the degree to which people are accepted by, cared for, and attended to by important others.”2 Connection with many people in our lives, from friends and family, to romantic partners, colleagues, and those we worship or live with, promotes our mental and physical wellbeing.
If you are experiencing isolation and loneliness, it is likely that you are also feeling impacts on your emotional and physical health like increased stress, stronger unpleasant emotions, poor sleep and fatigue. As you might guess, reduced social support also makes it harder to pursue important life goals like doing your best in school and growing in your career.
You’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone
If you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, it might be time to rebuild your support system—with help. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore what you need and how to ask for it.
Relationships, and the essential social support they provide, ultimately shape our sense of meaning and purpose in life. Beyond our daily needs for survival, humans are creatures who desire meaning and significance in life. Studies have found strong relationships between one’s quality of relationships and this overall sense of life satisfaction and meaning. This includes people in many different life seasons and professions. For example, those with high-stress careers like healthcare providers as well as teenagers beginning to explore life both have been found to describe their lives as more satisfying when they have supportive relationships.3,4
How does social support work?
The science of social support reveals fascinating insights that help us heal isolation and loneliness. Research shows that two related but distinct aspects of relationships shape our sense of social support. First there is the actual support we receive from others, known as received support. Then there is our perception or awareness of that care and acceptance, often called perceived support.
Research has found that while both aspects of support are essential, our perception of relationships may play a larger role in the mental health benefits of social support.5 This makes sense because no matter how amazing our friends and family are, if we are not able to receive and appreciate their love and support, we will lose out on the benefits of such support.
Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships
While many of us intuitively know that relationships are essential to building a healthy and meaningful life, we may still struggle to improve relationships and overcome isolation. Here are three common causes of isolation that close us off from social support and three practices that can help us to move closer to our most cherished relationships:
1. We’re distracted and busy
Even though we know relationships are important, the pressures of deadlines and schedules may crowd out time with important others, leaving us alone and disconnected.
Practice slowing down with others. Remember that social support plays an important role in your resilience and ability to do your best in endeavors like work and school. Setting aside time for your relationships is an investment in your long-term wellbeing and reaching your goals. When do you schedule time with family and friends, commit to putting away personal devices. Remember, support means being attended to, cared for, and accepted. It’s hard to give and receive that genuine support from behind a screen.
2. Relationships are complex
No relationship is perfectly satisfying. At times, our most supportive relationships will also be marked by conflict and stress. If we disengage at that point, we will intensify isolation, not overcome it.
Practice gratitude for the complex relationships in your life. By journaling or remembering meaningful experiences with important others, gratitude can deepen our awareness of all the social support that we actually are receiving. While not denying what is challenging about a relationship, try to pay attention to the emotional experience of this gratitude for the relationship. If your friend is too busy to connect this week, can you remember the feeling when they dropped everything to support you? If your partner is stressed out with work, can you remember what it felt like when they encouraged you through a hard time? Because each relationship is complex, made up of satisfying and frustrating aspects, try to lean into gratitude for the gifts of that important person. That gratitude may resource you for the vital work of supporting and investing in that relationship as well.
3. We don’t want to burden people
Despite having loved ones who care for us, we may still hesitate to reach out when we are in need of acceptance, care, and support. We may fear that our needs are unimportant or simply too much. In some sense, we may even believe that we are not worthy of support and love, and actually deserve our loneliness and disconnection.
Practice honesty with the important others in your life. Communicating your needs to loved ones invites them to join with you and provide support in the moment. Because relationships among peers (think friends, partners, siblings, and colleagues) are mutual, it won’t be long before you may be invited to support them too! If you notice yourself stuck in downplaying your own needs, consider how you would respond if a trusted person approached you with fears of being a burden. Can you imagine responding with compassion and understanding? Perhaps that is the very response you will receive as well.
Relationships can also hurt and lead to isolation
While supportive relationships protect our health and enrich our lives, relationships can also be marked by profound pain. Close relationships can even expose us to betrayal, loss, or abuse. In these cases, isolation and loneliness may result from difficult relational experiences. If you are struggling to be present, enjoy, and give yourself in important relationships, it may be that some hurt or relational challenge is blocking the way to healthy and meaningful relationships.
How therapy can help you overcome isolation and strengthen relationships
If you feel stuck in isolation this may be a sign that you would benefit from a supportive therapeutic relationship. Therapy is a space to help you understand what contributes to this pattern of disconnection in your life and relationships. Therapy also provides expert guidance for overcoming these patterns to live a more meaningful life with those you love.
The relationship with a therapist is also a space to experience care, attention, and support while you navigate and strengthen other relationships in your life. This is why it is so important to work with a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. It is important to know that therapy was never meant to replace the vital and supportive relationships of your life. Instead, therapy can serve as a secure and safe home base where you explore your story and experience. Meaningful therapeutic relationships resource you to grow into a better relator, someone who both gives and receives care, acceptance, and support.
You can have closeness and connection
Imagine your life beyond isolation and loneliness. If you built and sustained supportive and loving relationships, how would your life look different? If you are ready to overcome the epidemic of loneliness in your life, strengthening your relationships and ability to be a supportive person to others, contact me today.
Imagine you’re powering through another late night at work, pushing yourself harder because that project just isn’t “good enough” yet. Your mind races with thoughts like, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re falling behind—again.” The tension builds, maybe erupting into anger at yourself or snapping at a colleague. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. As a perfectionist or workaholic, you might be trapped in a cycle of self-criticism that feels relentless.
But what if that harsh inner voice isn’t really yours?
In this post, we’ll explore how this voice often stems from a psychological defense called introjection, why it persists, and practical steps to identify and quiet it. Healing starts with understanding—and it can lead to less frustration, reduced burnout, and a life where you don’t have to avoid your deeper emotions.
What Is Your Inner Critic?
For high-achievers like you, the inner critic isn’t just occasional doubt—it’s a constant companion driving perfectionism and workaholism. It shows up as that nagging voice demanding more, criticizing every misstep, and fueling tension that spills into irritability. You might beat yourself up for not meeting impossible standards or lash out at others when things don’t go perfectly.
There’s More Beneath the Anger
If perfectionism has kept you bottling things up, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your anger—and finally start letting go. Reach out when you’re ready.
Constant self-doubt, even after successes (e.g., “That promotion? You just got lucky—don’t mess it up now.”).
Overworking to avoid “failure,” leading to exhaustion and short-tempered reactions.
Quick anger toward yourself or loved ones, masking deeper fatigue.
Physical symptoms like tension headaches or insomnia, all tied to the fear of not being enough.
What Self-Criticism Sounds Like
“Why can’t I ever get this right? I’m such a failure” (when facing a minor setback at work).
“Everyone else is handling this better than me—I’m just not good enough” (during social comparisons).
“I should have known better; how could I be so stupid?” (after making a simple mistake).
“If I don’t push harder, I’ll never succeed, and I’ll disappoint everyone” (fueling workaholism).
“Look at me, messing up again—no wonder no one takes me seriously” (in moments of self-doubt about personal relationships).
This critic keeps you in survival mode, but it’s often more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained defense mechanism known as introjection, and it’s keeping you stuck in anger.
Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck in Anger
That relentless self-criticism isn’t just exhausting—it directly fuels the anger and stress boiling inside you, directed at yourself and spilling over onto others. Picture this: a deadline slips, and instead of grace, you lash out internally with “You’re useless—why can’t you handle this?” This self-directed fury builds resentment, making you snap at colleagues or loved ones over small things, all while the underlying stress festers.
It’s a vicious cycle where the critic amplifies every flaw, turning minor frustrations into explosive anger, leaving you isolated and burned out. The pain is real: it erodes your relationships, heightens anxiety, and keeps you trapped in a loop of self-sabotage, where rest feels impossible because vulnerability means admitting “weakness.”
But here’s why it persists—
This pattern often ties back to a psychological defense called introjection, where we internalize critical voices from our past, like those from parents or authority figures, and make them our own. Think of it as swallowing their judgments whole, turning them into your inner monologue.
Introjection acts like a shield: it distracts from deeper emotions like sadness or overwhelm by redirecting energy into self-blame or overachievement. You might notice this when a small setback spirals into self-attack, keeping true vulnerability at bay.
In essence, introjection functions like this:
It redirects energy into self-blame or overachievement, shielding you from the raw ache of sadness or exhaustion.
It offers a false sense of control— like thinking, “If I just push harder, I can outrun this discomfort.”
Over time, it sustains workaholism as a numbing strategy, but it heightens frustration when life doesn’t align with its rules.
These internalized rules keep you stuck. And yes, it can explain why managing stress and anger feels so elusive.
Why We Cling to the Critic: Staying Connected and Safe
It might sound counterintuitive, but holding onto this critical voice is often a way to maintain attachment to important figures from your past, like mom or dad. If they were demanding or critical—perhaps pushing you to excel at all costs—you might have internalized their voice as a form of loyalty or safety. Rejecting it could feel like losing that connection, even if it was painful.
For instance:
The voice echoes a parent’s high expectations, keeping their “presence” alive in your mind.
It provides a twisted sense of security: “If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me.”
This attachment sidesteps the grief of unmet needs, like the sadness of never feeling truly accepted.
As odd as it seems, this mechanism helped you survive back then. But now, it fuels the very burnout and irritability you’re trying to escape.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like pop psychology nonsense—I’m just hard on myself because I care about doing well,” I get it. Perfectionists often dismiss interpretations like introjection as overly analytical or irrelevant. After all, you’ve built your success on self-discipline, and admitting a “defense mechanism” might feel like an excuse. You might even feel resistant, wondering if this is just another thing to “fix” perfectly.
That’s a normal reaction—your inner critic is probably already piping up, saying it’s all too touchy-feely. But here’s the thing: acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a sign of strength to question the voice that’s been running the show. Many clients start out skeptical, only to discover how liberating it is to see the critic for what it is.
The Power of Identifying Your Inner Critic: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Stress
Here’s the game-changer: Simply identifying this voice as separate from your true self is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to dismantling the cycle of self-criticism, workaholism, and bottled-up frustration. When you recognize introjection at work, you start to see how much of your burnout is an avoidance tactic—pushing away sadness because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel it. Maybe emotions were dismissed or punished, so you learned to armor up with achievement.
At Here Counseling, we’ve seen this realization transform lives. Clients who once raged at minor setbacks or buried themselves in work begin to release that tension. The frustration softens, burnout eases, and they reclaim space for genuine rest and joy. It’s not about erasing the voice overnight but understanding it’s not the whole truth about you.
Step-by-Step: Personifying Your Inner Critic to Set It Free
To make this tangible, one key exercise is to personify the voice—give it a form outside yourself. This helps externalize it, making it easier to challenge and link back to its origins. Here’s how to start:
Visualize It: Close your eyes and imagine the critic as a character. Is it a stern judge, a nagging parent figure, or something abstract like a dark cloud? Note its tone, appearance, and how it makes you feel. This separation shows it’s not “you”—it’s an echo. What is it saying?
Draw or Describe It: Sketch the critic or write a detailed description. Include linked memories—e.g., “This voice sounds like Dad when he said I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Sharing this in therapy amplifies the insight.
Confront It: Once personified, respond kindly: “I hear you over there. Now how do I feel about being spoken to this way? What would actually feel right to me?” Over time, grows our emotional awareness and flexibility, allowing burnout and frustration to fade as you process the underlying emotions.
FAQ on Self-Criticism
What is introjection in psychology?
Introjection is a defense mechanism where individuals internalize external critical voices, often from childhood, turning them into their own inner critic to avoid deeper emotions like sadness and maintain a sense of attachment or control.
How does self-criticism lead to anger and burnout?
Self-criticism amplifies flaws and redirects vulnerability into self-blame, creating a cycle of resentment that spills into anger toward oneself and others, leading to exhaustion, isolation, and burnout from constant overachievement.
What are signs of an overly critical inner voice?
Signs include constant self-doubt after successes, overworking to avoid failure, quick anger masking fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia tied to fears of inadequacy.
Can I overcome my inner critic on my own?
Yes, start by personifying the voice through visualization, journaling, or drawing to externalize it, then challenge it kindly; however, therapy can accelerate progress by addressing underlying traumas safely.
How does therapy help with self-criticism?
Therapy uncovers introjection’s roots, builds emotional awareness, and teaches tools like somatic practices to replace self-blame with compassion, reducing anger and burnout for more balanced living.
You’ll actually get more done… when you let go of self-criticism
You can finally address your anger, burnout, and frustration. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we do this somatic and relational work to make vulnerability feel safe—leading to less workaholism and more balanced living.
And, to speak to your perfectionistic self: you’ll actually get more done. I promise. From helping many high-achievers like you, the self-critical voice is an albatross you carry with you, impeding what would otherwise be a much more energized, engaged experience of your work and relationships. You can actually do more and better work when you can stop white-knuckling your day and access a more playful emotional self.
Ready to quiet that critic and reclaim your peace? Explore therapy tailored for high-achievers like you. Contact Here Counseling today to schedule a session. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.
Conflict with someone you care about leaves you overwhelmed. You shut down and can’t find any words. Or you raise your voice louder than you wanted to. Whatever the reaction, you feel out of control—and afterward, you’re left wondering: what just happened?
It can feel inevitable—like you always hit a point in your relationships where something takes over and you disconnect. This is what happens when your body goes into survival mode.
But you don’t have to stay stuck there.
You can begin to understand what’s happening in your body—and take steps toward a new response. Let’s explore what survival mode looks like, how it impacts your relationships, and how you can begin to change these patterns with compassion and care.
What is Survival Mode?
Imagine this:
Your partner raises their voice, and you immediately shut down. Or a car cuts you off in traffic, and suddenly you’re yelling at your partner in the passenger seat. These are examples of your nervous system activating your survival response.
When we perceive danger—whether physical or emotional—our bodies automatically respond. This is called the acute stress response, or more commonly, survival mode. It’s a built-in, physiological reaction to help us survive a threat. Our sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and epinephrine, leading to responses like a racing heart, hypervigilance, or shutting down completely. (Simply Psychology).
Research has shown that there are four common acute stress or ‘survival mode’ responses when our bodies perceive a threat: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are the nervous system’s way of protecting you—designed to help you avoid danger and return to a sense of safety and calm.
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Let’s take a closer look at what each response can look like—both physically and emotionally.
Fight
This response pushes against the perceived threat. It can feel like:
Clenched jaw or tight muscles
Urge to yell, throw, or hit something
Sudden, intense anger
Feeling knots in your stomach
Mentally attacking the other person (or yourself)
In relationships, it might show up as criticism, yelling, or defensiveness.
Flight
This response tries to escape the danger, physically or emotionally. It can look like:
Restlessness or panic
Leaving the room (or relationship) mid-conflict
Avoiding conversations that feel tense
Feeling trapped, and needing space—now
Freeze
This is the body’s “shut down” mode. It can feel like:
Going blank or dissociating
Inability to speak or respond
Physically freezing in place
Numbness or disconnection from the moment
You might walk away from a conversation and not even remember what was said.
Fawn
This response tries to please the perceived threat in order to avoid danger. It can show up as:
People-pleasing or over-apologizing
Dismissing your own needs to keep the peace
Going along with something you don’t agree with
Feeling anxious to prevent conflict before it starts
Often, this pattern develops when relational conflict historically felt unsafe.
Why Do Conflict Patterns Repeat?
A ‘stressful’ situation for ourselves means that the environmental demands exceed our perceived ability to manage the demands. Our bodies are not great timekeepers. If something today feels like a past threat—even unconsciously—your body may respond as though it’s still in danger. This is part of what makes trauma and early relational wounds so impactful: our nervous system learns what feels dangerous and adapts accordingly.
For instance, if you were bullied on the playground in fourth grade, your body might associate certain tones of voice or group settings with danger. Fast forward to adulthood: your coworker raises their voice, and your body instantly activates the same response—maybe rage, shutdown, or people-pleasing—even though the present situation isn’t truly dangerous.
Our survival response is designed to protect us, automatically activating in the face of perceived danger. However, past experiences can cause this threat response to be triggered in situations that aren’t actually unsafe. When this happens, our bodies react as if we’re under threat—even when we’re not and create misunderstanding and disconnection.
Four ways survival mode impacts conflict in your relationships.
Here are four ways these patterns might play out in your relationships:
Fight: You feel like you can’t control your anger.
Conflict can trigger an intense urge to lash out—verbally or emotionally. Anger, in itself, isn’t bad. It’s often trying to protect a boundary. But when it feels disproportionate or automatic, it might be a survival response from your nervous system.
Flight: You leave.
You might physically leave the room—or emotionally check out. You may even leave relationships quickly at the first sign of tension. It’s not that you don’t care. Your body is trying to protect you from danger.
Freeze: You get stuck.
You can’t find the words. Your mind goes blank. Your body feels numb or disconnected. Later, you might wonder, Why didn’t I say anything? This is your nervous system hitting the pause button to keep you safe.
Fawn: You don’t express your own needs.
To keep the peace, you give in. You prioritize the other person’s comfort, even if it costs you your voice. Your body has learned that being agreeable is safer than being authentic.
When the stress response is activated too often, we experience negative physiological consequences. And as shown above, they can negatively impact our relationships. Because these responses are automatic, it’s easy to feel helpless. You might experience a sense that you just can’t control this! This feeling makes sense. And I want to offer hope – our bodies can relearn.
Three tips for what to do when you go into survival mode.
When our bodies are in long-term states of stress, anything not needed for immediate survival is placed on the back burner. Things like digestion, immune system, and tissue repair are temporarily paused. The goal is to develop awareness of response activation and then bring yourself back to baseline.
These responses are not your fault—and you are not stuck. Your body can relearn new ways of responding. Here are three starting points:
Understand your triggers.
Begin by getting curious. One way to start to understand your triggers is to recognize when your body is in a heightened state. This requires awareness of the physiological state of your body. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
When do I feel out of control of my reactions?
What patterns do I notice in my body during the day?
When did this feeling start? What happened just before?
This is just a list to begin noticing how your body feels throughout the ebbs and flows of each day. After you start noticing activation in your body, start to wonder – when did this start? What might have caused this? By becoming aware of your body’s cues, you can begin to gently trace them back to possible triggers—and offer yourself more understanding and choice.
Come up with a plan.
Now that you’ve started to notice when your body feels heightened and the trigger it might be connected to, we can start to come up with a plan.
It’s okay if your body reacts. What we can grow in is our ability to self-regulate. The goal isn’t to never get activated. It’s to build tools to regulate once you are. Try:
A few deep breaths or grounding exercises
A short walk outside
Calling someone who helps you feel safe
Gentle movement like yoga or stretching
Journaling or naming your emotions out loud
Find support.
Relearning your stress responses takes time. It is best done in connection, not isolation. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or your relationship with a Divine other, healing grows in safe relationships.
Ask yourself:
Who helps me feel grounded?
What would it be like to share what I’m learning?
Where could I get support in this process?
What works may change over time. That’s okay. The most important part is that as your awareness grows, so does your ability to offer your body more possibilities. More safety, more options, more home.
These stress responses tell a story—a story your body is still holding. And while they’ve served a purpose, they don’t have to define your future.
You want to better understanding how survival mode is impacting your relationships.
I’d love to walk with you. You can relearn safety. You can build new patterns. And you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out today.
If you’ve been exploring different types of therapy—especially for healing trauma—you may have come acrossEMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s often described as a technique that helps you “reprocess” difficult memories, especially from past trauma. EMDR isn’t just about changing your memories; it’s a somatic therapy that helps your body release stored tensions.
That’s what makes EMDR a type of somatic therapy—a therapy that works with the body, not just the mind. As a trained EMDR therapist, I have been able to see firsthand how EMDR helps people understand their trauma in a new way and then, through EMDR techniques, learn how to train their bodies to let go of the trauma locked in their mind and body.
What Is Somatic Therapy?
“Somatic” simply means “relating to the body.” Somatic therapy is based on the idea that we carry stress, anxiety, and trauma not just in our thoughts, but also in our bodies.
You might notice this as:
Muscle tension
A tight chest or upset stomach
Fluttering in your chest or trembling
Feeling constantly on edge
Chronic fatigue
Difficulty relaxing, even when things are “fine”
Somatic therapy focuses on bringing attention to these sensations so they can be understood, processed, and released—allowing your nervous system to reset and heal.
How Is EMDR a Somatic Therapy?
EMDR is widely recognized for its use of eye movements, tapping, or sounds. However, the true effectiveness of EMDR lies in its ability to work with your entire system—both mind and body. The primary goal of EMDR is to help desensitize your overly activated nervous system and reintegrate your memory network, leading to more balanced and cohesive responses.
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In an EMDR session, your therapist might ask questions like: “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “What sensations are you noticing right now?” These check-ins aren’t just small talk—they’re invitations to notice how your body is reacting, which is often where trauma still lives.
2. It Uses Gentle, Rhythmic Stimulation
The back-and-forth movement in EMDR (called bilateral stimulation) doesn’t just help with memory processing—it can also calm your nervous system, similar to how rhythmic movement soothes a crying baby. Many people describe feeling more grounded, relaxed, or “unstuck” during or after EMDR.
3. It Works With How Trauma Is Stored
Trauma doesn’t just get “remembered”—it gets stored in your body. That’s why sometimes, even when you logically know you’re safe, your body might still feel panicked, frozen, or on edge. EMDR helps unlock and move through those stuck responses, so your body can finally exhale.
4. It Can Release Built-Up Physical Tension
As you process during EMDR, it’s common to experience physical shifts: a deep breath, a sudden yawn, a shiver, or tears. These are signs that your body is releasing stored energy and stress—a very good thing. It’s part of how healing happens.
Healing Isn’t Just in Your Head
If you’ve tried talk therapy before and felt like something was still missing—EMDR might be the missing piece. Because it doesn’t just help you understand your pain, it helps your body let go of it.
You don’t have to force anything. It’s gentle, structured, and honors your pace. Most importantly, it helps you heal not just in your thoughts, but in your nervous system, your body, and your sense of safety in the world.
Sometimes, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. It’s easy, instead, to wonder about the rippling effects your choice will have on others. You lie awake at night with racing thoughts, you do a bunch of research, you might even ask ChatGPT, but you wish you could make decisions painlessly. This can leave us wondering what to do when others express an opinion about our lives. You feel out of control, and like whatever you decide is a lose-lose. This feeling is normal, and it’s telling us something.
The real problem is not that you can’t decide; it’s that obstacles are getting in the way. Making a decision is about listening to yourself and trusting your communication with others. When done well, it doesn’t involve exorbitant effort. Decision-making can look painless. Let us explore obstacles to decision-making and then ideas for making your own decisions so that you can find peace today.
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We all make hundreds of decisions every day. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck with a certain decision. Something is interfering with your intuition. Here are 3 categories for the obstacles that are blocking you from making the decision:
1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.
It’s a terrible feeling to disappoint someone you care about. Behind this feeling is a fear that people will leave. You feel that you cannot make this decision without losing people you care about. When we are scared, people will abandon us, decisions become paralyzing.
2. You fear disappointing yourself.
What if you make a decision and it turns out horribly? You’ve probably thought of this, of course. Your mind might run on all the terrible ways this thing could turn out. It feels as if you make the ‘wrong’ decision, you will not only have failed at this specific thing, but you will prove to yourself that you are a failure. This feeling is shame. When we feel the pressure of shame rise, it interferes with our ability to make a decision.
3. You’re checked out.
You’re worried you’ll make a decision, and things won’t work out again. You’ll put yourself out there, and you’ll be disappointed, so you don’t decide. Instead, you tell yourself you don’t care. You’re left feeling disconnected from yourself and what you really want. When we are unable to name and claim our desires, making a decision is difficult.
Three ideas for how to make your own decisions
You want to be more confident in your decision-making process because the process you’re using right now just isn’t working. Here are a few ideas to help you think through your own process for making difficult decisions when they cause you conflict:
1. Connect to yourself
We make decisions from the people that we are. This means that our decisions are deeply connected to our values and desires. Sometimes we are consciously aware of our values and desires, but other times they operate unconsciously. This means that we need to ground ourselves in order to be more connected to those values and desires. It might feel silly, but I believe some of these practices, practices that help you connect with yourself, can play a helpful role in making a decision.
What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:
Mindfulness
Journaling
Making art
Listening to or playing music
Gathering around a meal with loved ones
Walking or other forms of exercise
Planting a garden
As you engage with practices that connect you to yourself, notice how you are feeling and what you want. If you experience barriers to connecting with yourself, what are they? How might you acknowledge them without judgment and remove them?
2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it
Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:
Panic
Fear
Self-doubt
Anxiety
Excitement
Dread
These emotions might impact our sleep. You might feel like you have a shorter fuse. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common. In fact, they are very normal. What’s important is that you learn to practice an acceptance of these feelings.
Often, when this flood of emotions comes, we feel a push and pull of excitement and dread. Ambivalence is like you are at a crossroads, and both paths have wildflowers and weeds. Ambivalence is often heightened when a decision you are making causes conflict.
If you are conflict-avoidant, the mere possibility of conflict may sway you towards a certain side of the decision. If the type of conflict the outcome of this decision might cause seems particularly stressful, the anticipation of these feelings is likely impacting your experience of making the decision.
What you can do:
In all of our decision-making processes, whether or not we acknowledge them, we experience certain feelings throughout. One way to ensure that we both honor our feelings and help them guide us healthily is through the acknowledgement and acceptance of these feelings. As you reflect honestly on what ambivalent emotions you may be feeling, pretend that each feeling is a signal. What might it be signaling you towards? For example, if one of the feelings that comes up is fear, specifically fear of a loved one’s response, the signal might be to create a plan for how to communicate either the fear or the decision outcome to that person.
3. Plan how you will share your decision within difficult relationships
You might dread telling people your decision, and creating conflict feels like the last thing you want to do. But here’s why it’s important and how you can do it.
Plan out how you are going to boundary your conversation. These boundaries involve time – how much time are you willing to have a conversation for? These boundaries also involve what you are going to communicate. How much information are you going to share? Do you want to let them into your decision-making process or simply tell them the outcome? You get to choose the medium of communication. In a professional relationship, does this require an email or a phone call? What about a more personal relationship? Do you want to communicate this in person or over FaceTime?
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Before the conversation, check in with your emotional readiness—are you regulated enough to hold your ground without engaging in old patterns?
Remind yourself how you arrived at this decision and the hard work you put into it. Tell yourself that you worked hard and can trust yourself.
Think about what you might need after the conversation. Do you need time to decompress? A walk? Support from someone else? Planning for post-conversation care can help you recover and reset.
It’s okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. If you’re feeling scared to share your decision with people you care about, you’re not alone. I help people just like you. We can help you learn how to navigate the intense emotions that come with decisions that cause conflict. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.
Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:
Why does my partner behave this way?
How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
Am I to blame for their addiction?
How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?
How Addiction Impacts Couples
The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.
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Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.
“I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
“He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”
These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.
Gambling Addiction
Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.
“We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
“He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”
These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.
Alcohol Addiction
Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.
“When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
“He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”
These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.
Addiction and Accommodation
In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.
For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.
For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.
For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.
How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?
According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.
In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.
For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.
Answering Key Questions
For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:
1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?
Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.
2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?
The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:
Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”
3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?
No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.
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4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?
Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:
Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.
Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.
Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.
Trauma can leave a lasting mark on your life—maybe you’re on edge all the time, or it’s hard to feel like yourself. You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Trauma changes how your brain works, but here’s the good news: your brain can heal. This blog is for anyone thinking about starting trauma therapy. We’ll answer common questions you might have about what trauma does to your brain, why it feels so overwhelming, and how therapy can help you take back control.
Questions about how trauma impacts your brain:
Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?
Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?
Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?
How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?
Can my brain really heal from trauma?
How can therapy help my brain process trauma?
How does trauma affect my focus, relationships, or health?
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Q1: Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?
Our brains are shaped by our experiences, especially emotional and social ones. The prefrontal cortex, a key part of your brain, helps you feel safe and navigate relationships. It prioritizes learning how relationships work and what can go wrong. When you’ve experienced significant emotional or relational trauma, your brain shows some general changes. You might notice reduced activity in the prefrontal areas, which help with reasoning and emotional control, and hyper-arousal in limbic areas, like the amygdala, which signal danger.
This hyper-arousal means your brain is constantly anticipating a catastrophe, much like someone with a past back injury who stays tense to protect themselves. You might feel hyper-vigilant, always watching for the next “attack.” This makes it hard to regulate emotions, which involves both sides of your frontal lobe—areas responsible for narration, language, reason, morality, comfort, and inhibition. These areas need a lot of energy, and when you’re in a fight-or-flight state, it’s tough to access them without help from caring people.
Memory is affected too. Forming memories often requires your frontal lobe to focus attention, but trauma can make this difficult. Your hippocampus, which helps store memories, shows reduced activity, and old fear patterns take over. Here’s what this might look like:
What You Might Feel
What’s Happening in Your Brain
Brain Area Involved
Constantly on edge or jumpy
Your brain’s alarm system is overly active
Amygdala
Struggling to control emotions
The “calm down” part is overwhelmed
Prefrontal Cortex
Memory gaps or feeling disconnected
Stress disrupts your memory storage
Hippocampus
These changes vary depending on the trauma and your support system, both then and now.
What this looks like day-to-day
If you feel panicked in crowded places, it might be your amygdala overreacting, like a car alarm going off at a leaf falling.
Trauma reduces activity in your prefrontal cortex, making emotional control harder.
Hyper-active limbic areas keep you on edge, anticipating danger.
Memory formation suffers due to stress on the hippocampus.
Support from others can help your brain recover.
Q2: Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?
There’s a big difference between one-time trauma and ongoing trauma in how your brain learns to develop, manage information, and respond. A single event, like a car accident or a betrayal, creates specific issues that don’t usually spread to every part of your life. For example, if you had a secure childhood with supportive mentors but experienced a car crash, you might get anxious about driving but not feel generally unsafe.
Chronic trauma, like ongoing childhood maltreatment, tends to generalize, affecting how your brain organizes and responds to all information. Daniel Stern, a developmental psychologist, called these “Representations of Interactions that have been Generalized” (RIGs). The earlier and more pervasive the trauma, the more it shapes your mental activity. For instance, if you faced abandonment before age two, it’s more likely to develop into a personality disorder. Later one-time events might lead to something like depression or specific fears instead.
One-time trauma creates specific triggers, like fear of driving after an accident.
Chronic trauma affects how your brain handles all information.
Early trauma, especially before age two, can lead to deeper issues like personality disorders.
Your unique experience shapes how trauma affects you.
Q3: Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?
Genetics are complex, and we’re just starting to understand them. Years ago, we thought genes directly controlled how our brains and bodies respond, but it’s more nuanced. Your lived experiences can influence how your genes are expressed and even affect what you pass on to your kids through epigenetics. Roughly, about 50% of how you respond to trauma is genetic, and 50% is your life experiences. But we might be overestimating the role of genetics—your environment, like the support you have, matters a lot.
For example, if you have a supportive friend or family member, it can make trauma feel less overwhelming. Without that, your brain might struggle more to process the stress.
For example, if you grew up with a loving caregiver, your brain might lean on that strength to cope with a later trauma, like a job loss, compared to someone without that support.
Quick tips on genetics and trauma
Genetics influence about half of how trauma affects you, but experiences are just as important.
Supportive relationships can lessen trauma’s impact.
Your unique background shapes your brain’s response.
Q4: How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?
Your brain’s chemical systems, like the HPA axis and neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine), play a big role in how trauma affects you. Serotonin, which we can think of as your “social belonging” system, helps you feel safe and resilient. When it’s low, you might feel disconnected or lonely. Dopamine is about agency and motivation—when it’s off, you might struggle to focus on goals or feel hopeful. Norepinephrine fuels your energy to respond to situations, but chronic stress can exhaust this system, leading to what’s sometimes called adrenal fatigue, where you feel drained and overwhelmed.
For example, in a fight-or-flight state, your HPA axis might be overworked, leaving you feeling wired but tired. Therapy can help by restoring safety, which lets these systems recover.
Feeling tired or disconnected isn’t just “in your head”—it’s your brain’s chemistry reacting to stress, and therapy can help balance it.
Quick tips on trauma and brain chemistry
Low serotonin can make you feel disconnected from others.
Low dopamine reduces motivation and focus.
Overworked norepinephrine and HPA axis lead to adrenal fatigue.
Safety through therapy helps these systems recover.
Q5: Can my brain really heal from trauma?
Yes, your brain can heal through neuroplasticity, its ability to adapt and reorganize. When you’re younger, your brain is more flexible, quickly adapting to your environment. But even as an adult, this capacity fluctuates. When you feel fearful and alone, your brain becomes less open to new information—it’s like it’s locked in survival mode. But when you feel safe and secure, your brain can afford the energy to reorganize and heal. Social relationships, like those with a therapist or loved ones, are key to making this happen.
For example, imagine your brain like a garden path—trauma might have worn it down, but therapy is like planting new seeds with someone guiding you.
Quick tips on healing from trauma and neuroplasticity
Neuroplasticity lets your brain adapt and heal.
Feeling safe with others makes your brain more flexible.
Therapy creates the conditions for healing.
Q6: How can therapy help my brain process trauma?
Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) help your brain heal. EMDR promotes safety through its structured approach, oscillating between facing painful memories and returning to a calm state. This helps your brain process trauma through bilateral stimulation, though some studies suggest the real benefit comes from the therapist’s ability to co-regulate with you—helping you feel safe enough to process overwhelming emotions. The therapist’s presence is like borrowing their calm to handle what feels too big alone.
EMDR helps by alternating between pain and safety, with the therapist’s support.
The therapeutic relationship is key to processing overwhelming emotions.
Safety helps you heal
Q7: How does trauma impact my brain’s structure?
Beyond the well-known brain areas, trauma affects other regions like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is shaped by secure mentorship and parenting. The ACC helps you lean into challenges, knowing you can bounce back. When trauma leaves you feeling alone, this area can become deficient, making you feel like all pain must be avoided or that there’s no way out. This can show up as trouble focusing (like in ADHD), difficulty trusting others, or even physical symptoms like chronic fatigue from stress.
For example, you might avoid social events because they feel overwhelming, or you might get sick more often because stress weakens your body. Therapy can help by rebuilding these brain areas, improving your focus, connections, and health.
For example, if you struggle to finish tasks because your mind feels scattered, it might be your ACC reacting to past trauma—but therapy can help you regain clarity.
Quick tips on trauma and brain structures
Trauma affects the ACC, making it hard to focus or face challenges.
This can lead to struggles with relationships or physical health.
Therapy helps rebuild these brain areas for better functioning.
Take the First Step with Trauma Therapy
Trauma may have changed your brain, but it doesn’t define you. With therapy, you can feel calmer, more connected, and in control again. If you’re thinking about starting trauma therapy, you’re already taking a brave step. Reach out to us (#) to learn how we can support your healing journey. You don’t have to do this alone—your brain is ready to heal, and we’re here to help.
Dissociation is a common yet often misunderstood psychological response, especially among those who have experienced trauma. At its core, dissociation is a disconnection—a split between the mind and the body, or between thoughts, memories, and one’s sense of identity. For many, it can feel like zoning out, feeling foggy, or even watching oneself from outside the body. Dr. Bessel van Der Kolk describes dissociation as, “a temporary putting aside, not knowing, and not noticing“. While this response can be protective in moments of overwhelm, chronic dissociation can create challenges in daily life, relationships, and overall well-being.
What Are the Symptoms of Dissociation?
Feeling disconnected from yourself and your body
Feeling disconnected from reality and your surroundings
Gaps in memory
Time feels like it is moving too fast or too slow
Difficulty concentrating
Emotional numbness
Feeling like the world around you is not real
Zoning out for periods of time
What Causes Dissociation?
Dissociation exists on a spectrum. On one end, there are mild forms, like daydreaming or losing track of time while driving. On the other, more severe forms include depersonalization (feeling detached from yourself) and derealization (feeling like the world isn’t real). For trauma survivors, dissociation can become a survival strategy—an unconscious way the nervous system protects itself from pain, fear, or helplessness. Our nervous system can cycle through feeling hyperactive (or “jumpy”) to feeling nothing at all. However, when this coping mechanism persists long after the threat has passed, it can keep people disconnected from their feelings, sensations, and sense of self.
Schedule a Call with Addy This Week
Somatic therapy can help you recover from dissociation. I’m Addy Sonneland, and I’m available in Los Angeles and Pasadena to help you heal through somatic therapy.
Somatic therapy offers a pathway out of dissociation by helping individuals reconnect with their bodies. “Somatic” comes from the Greek word soma, meaning body. Unlike talk therapy alone, somatic approaches incorporate body awareness, movement, breath, and sensation as part of the healing process.
4 Somatic Practices to Help Dissociation
Somatic therapy offers practical, body-centered tools to help bridge the gap between mind and body when dissociation takes hold. Here are key practices that gently invite you back into presence:
1. Grounding Exercises
Grounding helps anchor you in the present moment, providing a safe “anchor” when feelings of dissociation start to surface. Examples include:
Feeling your feet firmly on the floor and noticing the sensation of contact.
Holding a textured object like a smooth stone or fabric and focusing on its texture, temperature, and weight.
Naming five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste (the “5-4-3-2-1” technique)
These exercises reconnect your mind with your immediate environment, interrupting the foggy or detached experience of dissociation by stimulating your senses.
2. Breathwork
Your breath is a powerful tool to regulate your nervous system and reduce feelings of overwhelm that feed dissociation. Techniques such as:
Box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4).
Slow, deep belly breathing that encourages the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” mode) to activate.
By slowing and deepening the breath, you signal safety to your body, helping to calm hyperarousal and ease dissociative symptoms.
3. Body Scans
Body scans encourage you to notice sensations throughout your body without judgment or the need to “fix” anything. This practice builds interoception — the ability to sense internal bodily states — which is often dulled in dissociation. A typical body scan might involve:
Slowly directing your attention from your feet to your head, noticing areas of tension, warmth, coolness, or neutrality.
Observing any discomfort or pleasant sensations and accepting them as they are.
This mindful connection to your body rebuilds the bridge between mind and body, helping you regain a sense of embodied presence.
4. Movement
Gentle, intentional movement can release trauma held in muscles and restore a sense of safety within your body. Movement can be as simple as:
Stretching tight areas, like your neck or shoulders.
Walking mindfully, noticing each step and the movement in your legs.
Participating in yoga, dance, or tai chi, which combine movement with breath and awareness.
Movement helps dissolve tension and stuck energy, fostering a grounded sense of self and easing dissociative states.
Mindfulness and Safe Touch
Mindfulness cultivates a compassionate awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise, helping reduce the “auto-pilot” feeling of dissociation. Pairing mindfulness with safe touch—like placing a hand on your heart or gently hugging yourself—can provide comfort and reassurance.
These acts create a feeling of safety and presence, reminding your nervous system that it’s okay to be in the body and experience emotions without danger.
Reconnecting with the Body
Healing dissociation isn’t about forcing presence or pushing through discomfort. It’s about creating a safe container where the body can slowly become a place of connection rather than fear. Somatic therapy helps build this safety over time, often in small, titrated steps.
The process of reconnection might look like:
Noticing when you’ve checked out—and gently bringing yourself back.
Building tolerance for sensation without judgment.
Developing curiosity and compassion toward your body’s responses.
Creating new experiences of embodiment.
The Role of Nervous System Regulation in Healing Dissociation
Dissociation often stems from a nervous system overwhelmed by threat and trauma. Somatic therapy works by teaching the body to regulate its own stress responses.
Somatic Experiencing (SE): This approach helps you notice sensations related to trauma, allowing the nervous system to complete its natural “reset” without becoming overwhelmed.
Titration: Rather than diving into trauma all at once, titration breaks down the experience into manageable parts, helping avoid retraumatization.
Resourcing: Developing internal (breath, mindfulness) and external (safe people, places) supports that help you feel grounded and stable.
With time, nervous system regulation lessens the need for dissociation as a defense mechanism and encourages a gentle return to presence.
Why Professional Support Matters for Healing Dissociation
Healing dissociation isn’t something you need to do alone. Working with a therapist who understands trauma and somatic approaches ensures:
Safety: Therapists create a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore difficult feelings at your own pace.
Personalized Care: A therapist can tailor somatic practices to your unique needs and monitor your nervous system’s responses.
Integration: Professional guidance supports the reintegration of dissociated parts of yourself and helps translate insights into everyday life.
Hope and Patience: Healing is a gradual process—having a supportive guide makes all the difference.
Seeking help is a courageous and essential step toward reclaiming your presence and wholeness.
Why Somatic Therapy Works
The body holds our trauma, but it also holds the key to healing. Somatic therapy recognizes that trauma is not just stored in memories or thoughts—it’s embedded in our nervous system, posture, breath, and muscle patterns. By working with the body directly, we can shift these patterns and restore a sense of wholeness.
Somatic therapy doesn’t promise quick fixes, but it does offer profound tools for lasting change. By tuning in to the body, we reclaim agency, resilience, and a deeper sense of self. For many people, the journey out of dissociation involves building the capacity to stay with what’s happening in the moment—sensations, emotions, relationships—without becoming overwhelmed. Somatic therapy is particularly powerful because it works with the very system that dissociation affects: the nervous system.
Can Dissociation be Cured?
Dissociation isn’t a life sentence, but rather a sign that your system did exactly what it needed to survive at the time. While it may not always “disappear” entirely, it can absolutely be softened, managed, and even transformed. Healing from dissociation is not about erasing your past or pretending the disconnection never happened—it’s about learning to be present in your life again, on your own terms.
Over time, with consistent support, people often find that the fog lifts. They feel more real, more present, and more able to engage with the world around them. The freeze begins to thaw. They begin to live, rather than just survive. Healing from dissociation is possible. It may take time, patience, and support—but you are not alone, and you are not stuck. With the right tools, the body can learn safety, and the mind can return to presence.
FAQ About Dissociation
Is dissociation the same as daydreaming? Not exactly. While daydreaming is a mild, common form of dissociation, clinical dissociation—especially related to trauma—is more intense and often involves disruptions in memory, identity, and perception. It can interfere with daily functioning in ways that go far beyond zoning out or getting lost in thought.
Can dissociation happen without trauma? Yes. While trauma is a common cause, dissociation can also be triggered by extreme stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, or other overwhelming experiences. However, persistent or intense dissociation often points to deeper roots that are worth exploring with a therapist.
How do I know if I’m dissociating? Some signs include feeling “spaced out,” disconnected from your body, numb, or like you’re watching your life from the outside. You may also experience memory gaps, feel emotionally flat, or notice time distortion (example: “Where did the last hour go?”).
Do I have to remember or talk about my trauma to heal? Not necessarily. Somatic therapy focuses more on how trauma lives in the body now, rather than rehashing details of the past. Many people find relief and progress without ever needing to tell their full story. Healing can happen through presence, sensation, and gentle reconnection—not just words.
A gentle note…
If you’ve experienced dissociation, know that it’s a natural and understandable response to overwhelming circumstances. You’re not broken—you’re surviving. And with the right tools and support, it is possible to feel more grounded, connected, and at home in your body again.
