Healing Attachment Wounds with Brainspotting
EMDR, Managing emotions

Healing Attachment Wounds with Brainspotting

Written by Jamen

When Connection Hurts More Than It Heals

Have you ever found yourself longing for closeness but feeling a wall come up the moment someone tries to get near?

Or maybe you often feel responsible for keeping peace in your relationships — always the caretaker, the one who makes sure everyone else is okay.

Deep down, you might know these patterns didn’t start with your current partner, friends, or family. They began much earlier — in the places where connection and safety were supposed to coexist, but didn’t.

Those early cracks in connection are what therapists call attachment wounds.

And while they might be invisible, their echoes show up in every area of life — in love, friendships, parenting, and even how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, I often meet people who say, “I’ve done therapy before, I understand where this comes from… but I still feel it.”

That’s where Brainspotting can become a bridge — helping you move from understanding your pain to actually releasing it.

What Are Attachment Wounds?

Attachment wounds form when, as children, our emotional needs for love, attunement, or safety weren’t met consistently. Maybe a parent was loving but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you learned that being quiet or “good” was the only way to stay connected. Or perhaps love was mixed with fear, anger, or unpredictability.

These early experiences shape what’s called our attachment style — the internal map that teaches us what relationships mean. When that map is built on uncertainty, we may learn to:

  • Fear of being abandoned or rejected.
  • Keep emotions to ourselves to avoid conflict.
  • Feel responsible for other people’s moods.
  • Push people away before they can hurt us.

Even as adults, these learned patterns live deep in the nervous system. You can know you’re safe, but your body might still react like you’re not.

Why Understanding Isn’t Always Enough

Many clients tell me, “I’ve talked about my childhood in therapy. I get it. But I still freeze, panic, or shut down when something triggers me.”

That’s because attachment trauma doesn’t live in logic — it lives in the body.
These wounds are held in the brain’s subcortical regions — the parts responsible for instinct, survival, and emotional memory. They don’t speak the language of words. They speak through sensations, tension, and reactions that feel out of your control.

This is where Brainspotting becomes so powerful — it helps access those deeper parts of the brain where talk therapy can’t reach.

What Is Brainspotting?

Brainspotting is a powerful yet gentle therapeutic approach developed by Dr. David Grand. It’s based on the idea that where you look affects how you feel.

In a Brainspotting session, you and your therapist notice specific eye positions — called brainspots — that link to emotional or physical activation in the body. By focusing your gaze there and staying present with what arises, your brain naturally begins to process and release stored trauma.

It’s not hypnosis or guided imagery — you stay aware and in control. But your brain and body start communicating in ways they’ve long been trying to.

Brainspotting helps create the conditions your nervous system needs to heal — safety, attunement, and space. It allows you to finally access emotions that once felt too overwhelming to face, but now, in a safe environment, you can move through them instead of staying stuck.

How Brainspotting Helps Heal Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds often involve the deepest kind of disconnection — the kind that says, “I’m not worthy of love,” or “If I show who I really am, I’ll be left.”

Brainspotting helps you approach these beliefs not by fighting them, but by meeting them with compassion and curiosity.

Here’s how it helps:

  1. Regulating the Nervous System:
     When attachment wounds are triggered, your body may go into fight, flight, or freeze. Brainspotting helps you notice and soothe those physical reactions, teaching your nervous system what safety feels like again.
  2. Reconnecting with Emotion:
     Many people with attachment trauma learned early on to disconnect from their emotions to survive. Brainspotting gently helps you reconnect — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable and empowering.
  3. Rewiring Old Patterns:
     Over time, the brain begins to form new pathways — ones rooted in calm, trust, and presence. You start to respond rather than react.
  4. Building Secure Attachment from Within:
     Healing attachment wounds isn’t about changing others — it’s about creating safety inside yourself. Brainspotting allows you to internalize a sense of secure attachment, often for the first time.

What a Session Feels Like

Each session begins by finding a place in your body where you feel the emotional intensity of what you’re working through — it might be a tight chest, a heavy stomach, or a lump in your throat.
Your therapist helps you find a corresponding eye position — your brainspot — that connects to that feeling.

From there, you notice what happens in your body as you stay present. Some people feel tingling, tears, warmth, or even deep calm. Others feel subtle shifts over time. There’s no right way — your brain knows what to do.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, you don’t have to retell every painful story. You just need to notice what’s happening inside you, in real time, with the support of someone attuned to you.

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Common Signs You Might Be Carrying Attachment Wounds

You don’t need to have gone through overt trauma to have attachment wounds. They often show up in quieter ways:

  • You crave closeness but fear rejection.
  • You feel responsible for others’ happiness.
  • You struggle to trust or depend on anyone.
  • You often feel unseen, even in relationships.
  • You avoid conflict but end up feeling resentful.
  • You lose yourself trying to keep the peace.

These patterns aren’t flaws — they’re survival strategies that once kept you safe. Brainspotting helps you honor those parts of yourself, while slowly teaching them that it’s okay to let go.

Brainspotting vs. Traditional Talk Therapy

Talk therapy offers valuable insight, understanding, and connection. But when it comes to deeply rooted emotional patterns, understanding alone doesn’t always create change.

Brainspotting complements talk therapy by engaging the parts of the brain that talk can’t reach. It’s a bottom-up process — meaning healing starts in the body and nervous system, then integrates upward into thoughts and emotions.

Clients often describe Brainspotting as a felt experience rather than a cognitive one. It’s about releasing what’s been stored — the grief, the fear, the loneliness — so that your mind and body can finally align.

What Healing Attachment Wounds Can Feel Like

Healing isn’t instant or linear. But with time, you may notice:

  • Feeling calmer in relationships.
  • No longer needing to over-explain or please to feel safe.
  • Being able to hold your boundaries without guilt.
  • Feeling present and grounded in your body.
  • Experiencing closeness without fear of losing yourself.

These shifts don’t mean forgetting what happened — they mean your nervous system has learned that you’re safe now.

What Therapy Looks Like at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, therapy for attachment wounds isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a space where you can be seen and felt exactly as you are.

Sessions are guided at your pace — never rushed, never forced. Whether you’re new to therapy or have done deep work before, Brainspotting meets you where words leave off.

You’ll learn to notice the subtle ways your body responds to safety and stress, and over time, those new experiences of safety begin to rewrite the old story.

Both in-person and online Brainspotting sessions are available to clients across Pasadena and throughout California, offering flexibility and consistency in your healing process.

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Reclaiming Connection — With Yourself and Others

When you’ve spent years feeling unseen or misunderstood, it’s easy to think real connection isn’t possible. But healing your attachment wounds doesn’t erase your past — it transforms your relationship with it.

Through Brainspotting, you can begin to feel safe in your body again.

You can learn that love doesn’t have to hurt, that closeness doesn’t mean danger, and that you can hold space for your own needs without losing connection to others.

You don’t have to do this alone. Healing begins when you feel safe — and that safety can start right here.

Begin Your Healing Journey

If this resonates with you — if you’re ready to gently explore the roots of your attachment wounds — Brainspotting can help you reconnect to yourself and others in ways you didn’t think possible.

Here Counseling offers Brainspotting therapy for attachment trauma, emotional healing, and relational growth.

Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right support, it becomes possible — one moment of safety at a time.

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Supporting the loved ones in EMDR Therapy
EMDR, Managing emotions

Supporting a Loved One in EMDR Therapy

Written by Jamen

Watching someone you care about go through trauma therapy can stir up mixed emotions — hope, worry, even helplessness. You want to help, but you may not know how. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an intense yet deeply healing process, and your understanding can make a real difference.

At Here Counseling, we often meet partners, family members, and friends who ask, “What can I do to support them?” This article offers compassionate, practical guidance — what to do before, during, and after sessions, and what to avoid — so you can walk alongside your loved one with confidence and care.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR is a structured trauma-processing therapy that helps people reprocess distressing memories so they no longer feel as overwhelming or intrusive. Using bilateral stimulation — often gentle eye movements or taps — EMDR helps the brain “re-file” painful experiences in a more adaptive way.

A typical EMDR process includes several phases: history-taking, preparation, assessment, desensitization, installation, and closure. Your loved one’s therapist moves at a pace that prioritizes safety and emotional regulation.

You don’t need to understand all the technical details — your emotional presence matters more than your knowledge. Simply knowing that EMDR helps people heal from the inside out is enough to ground your support.

Before Sessions: How to Prepare and Show Support

Therapy days can take a lot of emotional energy. Your loved one may feel nervous or reflective even before their appointment. Small gestures of support can make a big difference.

Practical support might mean taking on small responsibilities — arranging childcare, handling dinner, or helping with logistics so they can head to therapy without rushing. Keeping their day low-stress allows them to focus on what matters: healing.

Emotional support starts with curiosity, not assumption. Try asking, “Is there anything you’d like me to know before your session?” or “Would you like quiet time afterward?” Avoid asking for a play-by-play of what happens — EMDR works best when clients feel safe and unpressured.

Self-education also helps. Read a basic EMDR overview or ask your loved one if their therapist has handouts you could look at. Understanding trauma-informed language (like “window of tolerance” or “grounding”) helps you respond in a supportive, non-reactive way.

After Sessions: What Helps and What to Avoid

After EMDR sessions, people often feel tired, vulnerable, or “foggy.” Sometimes they feel lighter — sometimes stirred up. Healing isn’t linear.

What helps most is stability. Offer calm routines like a shared meal, a short walk, or time together doing something gentle and grounding. Check in with open-ended kindness: “Would you like to talk, or do you want quiet?” Respect their answer.

Avoid asking for details or interpreting what they share (“That must mean you’re almost done healing!”). Don’t make their process about your need for reassurance — your steadiness is the reassurance they need.

If they seem triggered or disoriented, gentle grounding helps. You can remind them to notice the room, feel their feet, or take a slow breath. Most EMDR clients learn self-regulation skills during therapy — simply being a calm presence helps them access those tools.

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Communication Tips: Words That Help

When you’re not sure what to say, simplicity works best. Try phrases like:

  • “I’m here if you want to talk.”
  • “I can sit with you quietly if that’s better.”
  • “What would help right now?”

Avoid trying to analyze or “cheer up” your loved one. Validation is healing: “That sounds really hard” or “I can see this takes courage.”

And remember — you matter too. Setting limits is part of healthy support. It’s okay to say, “I’m here for you, but I need a bit of time to recharge tonight.” Boundaries allow you to show up with genuine care, not burnout.

When to Be More Involved

Sometimes, a loved one’s EMDR process reveals patterns or dynamics in close relationships. If your partner or family member’s therapist suggests including you in a joint session, consider it an opportunity — not a sign something’s “wrong.”

You might join a check-in to better understand their triggers or learn shared regulation tools. Always let your loved one take the lead in inviting this. Contacting their therapist directly can feel intrusive, but expressing openness — “If your therapist ever thinks it’d help for me to join, I’m willing” — keeps communication safe and clear.

Caring for Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting someone through trauma work can be deeply rewarding — but it can also be emotionally draining. You might feel worry, guilt, frustration, or even jealousy of the therapist. These feelings are normal.

Give yourself permission to step back when needed. Schedule your own downtime or consider your own therapy or peer-support space to process what comes up. When you take care of yourself, you model emotional regulation — the very skill your loved one is practicing in EMDR.

Red Flags: When to Seek Extra Help

While most EMDR journeys are steady, there are times when extra support is crucial.

If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts, becomes increasingly withdrawn, or starts using substances to cope — don’t handle it alone. Encourage them to reach out to their therapist or crisis services immediately.

And if there are any signs of relationship safety issues — emotional or physical — seek professional help right away. Healing cannot happen in unsafe environments.

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A Simple Checklist for Support

  • Offer practical help with small tasks on therapy days
  • Create a calm, quiet post-session space together
  • Ask what they need — and really listen
  • Learn one or two grounding exercises you can do together
  • Avoid forcing details or interpretations
  • Respect their pace and privacy
  • Care for your own emotional wellbeing

Closing Thoughts

Healing from trauma is rarely a straight path — it’s a journey with gentle steps forward, pauses, and moments of deep courage. If you’re supporting someone in EMDR therapy, your steady presence is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

At Here Counseling, we believe that healing happens not just in therapy rooms, but also in the safe, caring connections around us. If you or your loved one want to learn more about EMDR or explore trauma-informed support, reach out to our care coordinator to begin the next step together.

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CPTSD and Dissociation
EMDR, Managing emotions

CPTSD and Dissociation: Understanding the Disconnect Within

Written by Jamen

Living with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) can often feel like being in two worlds at once — one where you’re present, functioning, and doing your best to move forward, and another where parts of you are still stuck in the past. One of the most common and confusing symptoms of CPTSD is dissociation, a survival response that once kept you safe but now leaves you feeling detached or disconnected from yourself and others.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we often meet people who describe feeling “numb,” “out of it,” or “like I’m watching my life instead of living it.” These experiences are far more common than you might think — and they’re not signs of weakness or brokenness. They’re signs of survival.

In this post, we’ll explore what CPTSD and dissociation really are, how they’re connected, what they feel like, and how therapy can help you gently reconnect with your body, mind, and sense of safety.

What Is CPTSD?

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) develops after chronic or repeated trauma, often in relationships where escape or protection wasn’t possible — such as childhood neglect, abuse, or ongoing emotional harm.

Unlike PTSD, which usually stems from a single traumatic event, CPTSD is the result of prolonged trauma. It affects how a person sees themselves, others, and the world around them. Many people with CPTSD struggle with:

  • Persistent fear or shame
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Negative self-image
  • Feeling perpetually unsafe, even in calm situations

Over time, these symptoms can make you feel like you’re always on guard or living in survival mode. And when that stress becomes too much, the mind finds ways to protect you — one of which is dissociation.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation is the mind’s way of creating distance from pain. When an experience feels overwhelming or intolerable, your brain protects you by numbing out, zoning out, or detaching from what’s happening.

You might notice dissociation as:

  • Feeling “spacey” or detached from your body
  • Losing chunks of time or struggling to recall events
  • Watching yourself as if from outside your body
  • Feeling emotionally flat or numb
  • Being unable to connect with people or surroundings

In moments of intense fear or trauma, dissociation can be life-saving. It allows you to endure what otherwise would be too much. But when it becomes a regular way of coping, it can make healing and connection difficult — because it keeps you disconnected from your present reality and your emotions.

How CPTSD and Dissociation Are Connected

CPTSD and dissociation often go hand in hand. When trauma happens repeatedly — especially during developmental years — the nervous system learns to disconnect as a primary form of protection.

Children who couldn’t physically or emotionally escape unsafe environments learned to “leave” mentally instead. That same coping mechanism can continue into adulthood, even when the danger is no longer present.

This can lead to:

  • Feeling detached during stress or conflict
  • Losing focus during emotionally charged conversations
  • Having difficulty remembering parts of your life
  • A sense of “not being real” or that your life isn’t your own

Many people describe this as living behind a glass wall — watching life happen but not feeling like they’re part of it.

The important truth is this: you are not broken for dissociating. Your mind found a creative, protective way to survive when you needed it most. Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of that part of you — it means helping it feel safe enough to rest.

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Signs You Might Be Experiencing Dissociation

Everyone experiences moments of mild dissociation — like daydreaming or “zoning out” during a long drive. But for people with CPTSD, dissociation can be deeper and more frequent.

Some signs include:

  • Frequent forgetfulness or “lost time”
  • Feeling emotionally numb or distant
  • Difficulty staying present in conversations
  • Feeling like your body isn’t your own
  • Struggling to feel connected to loved ones
  • Sudden emotional shifts without clear triggers

If you notice these patterns interfering with daily life, work, or relationships, it may be helpful to reach out for trauma-informed therapy.

How Therapy Helps With CPTSD and Dissociation

Healing from CPTSD and dissociation takes patience and compassion. It’s not about forcing yourself to “feel” or “remember” everything — it’s about slowly building a sense of safety and control in your body again.

At Here Counseling, therapy for CPTSD and dissociation is gentle, attuned, and body-aware. It often involves a combination of:

1. Creating Safety and Stabilization

The first step is to help your nervous system feel safe. Through grounding exercises, mindfulness, and resourcing, you’ll learn to notice when you’re starting to disconnect — and gently bring yourself back to the present.

2. Understanding Your Triggers

Together, we’ll explore what situations or sensations lead to dissociation. This awareness helps you anticipate and manage those moments instead of being caught off guard by them.

3. Building Mind-Body Connection

Somatic approaches (like breathing, gentle movement, or guided visualization) help you reconnect with your body in safe, gradual ways. The goal isn’t to push — it’s to invite awareness and rebuild trust with your body.

4. Processing Trauma Safely

Once you have the tools to stay grounded, therapy can gently address the root causes of trauma. This might include narrative therapy, EMDR, or parts work to integrate fragmented experiences into a cohesive sense of self.

5. Reconnecting With Yourself and Others

As safety grows, dissociation lessens. You begin to feel emotions again — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable. Relationships start to feel more real and fulfilling, and the sense of “aliveness” slowly returns.

Why Healing Is Possible

It’s important to know that dissociation doesn’t mean you’re beyond healing. It means your system has worked overtime to protect you — and now it’s asking for rest and care.

Healing CPTSD and dissociation takes time, but it’s absolutely possible. With consistent support, you can:

  • Feel grounded and present in your daily life
  • Develop healthier emotional regulation
  • Build trust and intimacy in relationships
  • Experience joy and safety in your body again

Therapy isn’t about erasing the past — it’s about giving yourself the tools to live fully in the present.

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When to Reach Out for Help

If you find yourself often “checking out,” feeling emotionally numb, or struggling to stay connected to reality, you don’t have to face it alone.

At Here Counseling, we work with clients who have experienced complex trauma, chronic stress, and dissociation. Together, we’ll move at your pace — no pressure, no judgment — just a steady commitment to helping you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have felt out of reach.

Whether you prefer in-person sessions in Pasadena or online therapy from the safety of your home, help is available. Healing begins when you take that first step toward being heard and supported.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is dissociation the same as daydreaming?
 Not exactly. While both involve detachment from the present, dissociation is often a trauma response — a deeper disconnection that happens when the mind feels unsafe.

Can we heal from dissociation completely?
Many people experience significant healing. With therapy, you can learn to recognize dissociation as it happens and stay grounded for longer periods. Over time, those protective patterns naturally lessen.

How long does it take to recover from CPTSD?
There’s no set timeline. Recovery depends on your history, support system, and pace of therapy. Healing isn’t linear — but every small step counts.

What type of therapy works best for CPTSD and dissociation?
Trauma-informed approaches such as Somatic Therapy, EMDR, and Parts Work (IFS) can be especially effective, as they address both the mind and body.

Can online therapy help with CPTSD and dissociation?
Yes. Online trauma therapy can be a safe and effective way to start your healing journey — especially if being at home feels more comfortable.

You Deserve to Feel Whole Again

You don’t have to stay disconnected from yourself. CPTSD and dissociation can feel isolating, but with the right support, you can slowly come home to your body, your emotions, and your life.

At Here Counseling, healing is not about fixing you — it’s about helping you remember that you were never broken to begin with.

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couple trust issues betrayal
Managing emotions

Boundaries 101 for People Pleasers, Even If You’ve Tried Saying “No” Before

Written by herecounseling

If you’re a people pleaser, you know the drill: you bend over backward to make others happy, often at the expense of your own well-being. You’ve probably tried setting boundaries before. For example, you muster up the courage to say “no” once or twice, but it felt awkward, guilt-ridden, or just didn’t stick.

The real issue isn’t just about uttering that two-letter word; it’s deeper. At the heart of people-pleasing lies a fundamental disconnect: you stop paying attention to what you’re truly feeling or needing. This oversight might seem harmless at first, but it erodes your relationships and your sense of self.

In this article, we’ll explore the problems poor boundaries create, the hidden consequences of poor boundaries, why simply saying “no” falls short, and how insights from depth psychology can help you reclaim your needs and build healthier connections.

The Core Problem: Ignoring Your Inner World

People pleasers are masters of adaptation. You scan the room (or the relationship) for cues about what others want, then shape yourself accordingly. But in the process, your own emotions and needs get pushed to the background. It’s like turning down the volume on your internal radio until it’s barely audible. Why does this happen? Often, it’s rooted in early experiences where expressing needs led to rejection, conflict, or simply being overlooked. Over time, you learn that safety comes from prioritizing others.

This habit might keep the peace short-term, but it sets up a cycle of invisibility. In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, you end up giving without receiving, agreeing without considering your own desires. You might not even notice the subtle resentment building because you’ve trained yourself to ignore those signals.

The Ripple Effects: Strains in Relationships and Self

When you consistently sideline your feelings and needs, problems start stacking up. In relationships, this creates an imbalance where one person (you) is always the giver, leading to resentment on both sides. Your partner or friend might sense something’s off but can’t pinpoint it, so they pull away or become frustrated. Conversations become superficial because you’re not bringing your full self to the table— you’re editing out the parts that might “rock the boat.” Over time, this fosters emotional distance; intimacy suffers because true connection requires vulnerability from everyone involved.

Internally, the toll is even heavier. Ignoring your needs leads to burnout, anxiety, or a nagging sense of emptiness. You might feel chronically exhausted, wondering why you’re “never enough” despite all your efforts. Self-esteem takes a hit because you’re reinforcing the belief that your worth depends on others’ approval. Physical symptoms can emerge too: headaches, digestive issues, or sleep problems, as your body protests the emotional neglect. In essence, you’re living a half-life, where your authentic self is starved of attention, leading to a quiet erosion of joy and purpose.

The Hidden Fallout: Withdrawal and Secret Coping Mechanisms

Without healthy boundaries, the pressure builds until you can’t ignore it anymore. The natural response? Pulling away from the relationship to regain some equilibrium. This might look like emotional detachment, suddenly becoming unavailable, canceling plans, or zoning out during interactions. It’s a way to create space where you can finally breathe, but it leaves the relationship feeling unstable and confusing for the other person.

To fill the void of unmet needs, many people pleasers turn to private outlets. These can be subtle at first: binge-watching shows to escape, scrolling endlessly on social media for validation, or indulging in comfort eating. But they can escalate into more repetitive or addictive patterns: compulsive shopping, overworking, or even substance use, as ways to self-soothe without asking for help from others. Fantasies play a big role here too; you might daydream about ideal scenarios where your needs are magically met, providing a temporary hit of fulfillment that real life isn’t delivering. These mechanisms aren’t “bad,” but they’re bandaids on a deeper wound. They allow you to function without confronting the suppression, yet they often leave you feeling more isolated, as the gap between your inner world and outer relationships widens.

Why Simply Saying “No” Isn’t Sufficient

You’ve likely heard the advice: “Just say no!” It sounds straightforward, empowering even. But for people pleasers, this approach often backfires, failing to address the root issues and sometimes making things worse. Here’s why relying solely on “no” as your boundary-setting tool isn’t enough:

  1. It Triggers an Overwhelming Guilt Response: For people pleasers, saying “no” isn’t just a word—it’s a battle against ingrained guilt. This guilt acts like a muscle that’s been overdeveloped from years of prioritizing others, while your “no” muscle is weak and unpracticed. Think of it like trying to hold a plank exercise: you might manage it for a short burst, but eventually, the strain wins, and you collapse back into old habits. The guilt floods in, whispering that you’re being selfish or unkind, eroding your resolve over time. Without addressing this emotional undercurrent, “no” becomes unsustainable, leading to inconsistency and self-doubt.
  2. It Keeps the Focus on Others’ Needs, Not Yours: When boundaries are framed purely as saying “no,” they become reactive—a response to someone else’s request, prompt, or demand. You’re still operating within their framework, evaluating whether to approve or deny their wants. This setup diminishes your own agency; your needs and desires remain in the shadows, unexamined and unexpressed. True boundaries aren’t just about deflection; they’re about proactively asserting what you require for your well-being. By shifting away from this binary yes/no dynamic tied to others, you can start centering your inner world, making space for what you truly want without waiting for an external cue.
  3. It Fosters an Adversarial View of Relationships: Viewing boundaries solely through the lens of “no” can unconsciously pit you against others, turning relationships into potential battlegrounds. It heightens a subtle paranoia that, without constant vigilance, people will take from you unilaterally—draining your time, energy, or emotions. This mindset breeds defensiveness and mistrust, making connections feel like negotiations rather than collaborations. Over time, it reinforces isolation, as you anticipate exploitation rather than mutual support. Healthy boundaries, in contrast, build bridges by communicating needs openly, inviting reciprocity instead of erecting walls.

In short, while saying “no” has its place, it’s a surface-level tactic that doesn’t heal the deeper patterns of people-pleasing. To create lasting change, we need to go beyond it.

How Depth Psychology Can Guide You Toward Healthy Boundaries

Depth psychology, which explores the unconscious layers of the mind, offers a compassionate framework for breaking this cycle. It doesn’t just focus on surface behaviors like saying “no”; it dives into why you’re suppressing your needs in the first place and how to integrate them back into your life. Here’s a step-by-step approach inspired by this perspective:

1. Examine Your Fantasies for Clues to Suppressed Needs

Those private daydreams or repetitive behaviors aren’t random. Instead, they’re windows into what you’re missing. Start by journaling about them without judgment. What scenarios do you fantasize about? Being cherished without having to ask? Having space to pursue your passions? These often reveal core needs like emotional safety, autonomy, or validation that you’re not expressing in your relationships. By bringing them into awareness, you begin to validate them yourself, reducing the urge to hide them away.

2. Empathetically Unpack Why These Needs Feel Unattainable

Next, explore the “why” behind the suppression with kindness toward yourself. Depth psychology encourages looking at past experiences that taught you needs are burdensome or dangerous. Maybe a caregiver dismissed your emotions, or a past partner punished honesty. Understanding this empathetically, as a survival strategy rather than a flaw, helps dissolve the shame. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I voice this need?” This self-compassion creates room to experiment with small risks, like sharing a minor preference, and builds trust that relationships can handle your authenticity.

3. Tune Into Nonverbal Cues in Your Current Relationships

Even when needs are suppressed, they leak out through subtle signals. Depth psychology teaches us to listen to these unconscious expressions as invitations to reconnect with ourselves. In your relationships, pay attention to moments when you feel “missed” or overlooked, these are often precursors to withdrawal. Here are five common nonverbal cues people pleasers can watch for:

  • Passive-Aggressive Tone or Sarcasm: A shift in your voice that hints at underlying frustration, like sighing heavily or making snide comments, signaling unmet emotional needs.
  • Checking Out or Dissociating: Suddenly feeling spaced out during conversations, as if your mind is wandering to escape discomfort from ignored boundaries.
  • Physical Tension: Clenching your jaw, fidgeting, or crossing your arms tightly, which might indicate you’re holding back anger or sadness about not being heard.
  • Avoidance Behaviors: Procrastinating on shared tasks or finding excuses to be alone, pointing to a need for space that’s not being articulated.
  • Over-Apologizing or Deflecting: Habitually saying “sorry” for minor things or changing the subject when it gets personal, revealing fear of asserting your true feelings.

By noticing these cues in real-time, you can pause and reflect: “What am I needing right now?” This awareness turns reactive withdrawal into proactive boundary-setting, fostering deeper, more balanced relationships.

Building healthy boundaries as a people pleaser isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about honoring your full humanity. With patience and the tools from depth psychology, you can move from suppression to expression, creating connections that nourish everyone involved. If this resonates, consider working with a therapist trained in depth approaches to personalize these steps. You’ve got this—start small, and watch your world expand.

FAQ

What exactly are healthy boundaries for people pleasers?

Healthy boundaries aren’t just about saying “no”—they’re about recognizing and honoring your own feelings and needs while maintaining connections with others. For people pleasers, this means shifting from reactive deflection to proactive self-expression, ensuring relationships are balanced and nourishing rather than one-sided.

Why does saying “no” trigger so much guilt for me?

Guilt is a common response for people pleasers because it’s tied to deep-seated beliefs that your worth comes from making others happy. Think of it like an overdeveloped muscle; over time, with practice and self-compassion, you can strengthen your ability to set boundaries without the guilt overwhelming you. Exploring the roots of this guilt through journaling or therapy can help reframe it.

How can I start paying attention to my own needs if I’ve ignored them for so long?

Begin small: Set aside quiet time each day to check in with yourself—ask, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” Journaling about fantasies or repetitive behaviors can reveal suppressed needs. Over time, tuning into nonverbal cues like physical tension or avoidance will make this awareness more natural.

Is people-pleasing always a problem?

Not inherently—it’s a strength in empathy and adaptability. The issue arises when it leads to self-neglect, resentment, or unbalanced relationships. The goal isn’t to stop pleasing others entirely but to include yourself in the equation for sustainable, fulfilling connections.

How does depth psychology differ from other approaches to boundaries?

Depth psychology goes beyond surface tips like “just say no” by exploring unconscious patterns, past experiences, and hidden needs. It uses tools like examining fantasies and empathetic self-inquiry to create lasting change, rather than quick fixes that often fail for people pleasers.

What if my partner or loved ones don’t respect my new boundaries?

Start by communicating clearly and calmly, explaining your needs without blame. If resistance persists, it may highlight deeper issues in the relationship. Consider couples therapy or professional support to navigate this—remember, true respect is mutual, and enforcing boundaries might reveal whether the relationship can adapt.

Can I practice these steps on my own, or do I need a therapist?

You can absolutely start solo with journaling, self-reflection, and noticing cues. However, a therapist trained in depth psychology can provide personalized guidance, especially for unpacking complex past experiences. It’s like having a map versus exploring uncharted territory alone—both work, but support speeds up the process.

How long does it take to build healthy boundaries?

It varies, but expect gradual progress rather than overnight change. Start with small wins, like expressing a minor preference, and build from there. Consistency and patience are key; many people notice shifts in weeks to months, with deeper integration over time.

Quick Guide: Establishing Healthy Boundaries as a People Pleaser

Use this step-by-step as a handy reference to start building boundaries that honor your needs without relying solely on “no.”

Step 1: Recognize the Core Issue

  • Acknowledge the Disconnect: Notice how you ignore your own feelings and needs to prioritize others. This leads to imbalance in relationships and personal burnout.
  • Identify Problems Caused: In relationships: resentment, superficial connections, emotional distance. In yourself: anxiety, low self-esteem, physical symptoms like fatigue.
  • Quick Check-In: Daily, ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” Journal for 5 minutes to build awareness.

Step 2: Understand the Hidden Consequences

  • Spot Withdrawal Patterns: When overwhelmed, you might detach emotionally, cancel plans, or zone out—creating instability in relationships.
  • Examine Secret Coping: Reflect on private habits (e.g., binge-watching, fantasies, overeating) as signs of unmet needs. These are temporary fixes that increase isolation.
  • Action Tip: List 3 recent “escape” behaviors and what needs they might fulfill (e.g., validation, rest).

Step 3: Why “Just Say No” Isn’t Enough

  • Guilt Overpowers: “No” triggers guilt like a weak muscle giving out—it’s unsustainable without addressing emotional roots.
  • Reactive Focus: It centers others’ wants, not yours, keeping your needs sidelined.
  • Creates Adversity: Frames relationships as threats, fostering paranoia instead of trust.
  • Shift Mindset: Move from deflection to assertion—focus on expressing your “yes” to your own needs first.

Step 4: Apply Depth Psychology Tools

  • Examine Fantasies (Clue to Needs): Journal about daydreams or repetitive behaviors. Ask: “What need is this revealing (e.g., safety, autonomy)?”
  • Unpack the “Why” Empathetically: Explore past experiences that made needs feel unsafe. Use self-compassion: “This was a survival strategy—now I can choose differently.”
  • Tune Into Nonverbal Cues: Watch for signs you’re feeling missed:
  1. Passive-aggressive tone (e.g., sighing, sarcasm).
  2. Checking out (mind wandering).
  3. Physical tension (jaw clenching, fidgeting).
  4. Avoidance (procrastinating tasks, seeking solitude).
  5. Over-apologizing or deflecting.
  • Response Tip: When a cue arises, pause and reflect: “What do I need here?” Then express it calmly (e.g., “I need a moment to think”).

Step 5: Build and Maintain Boundaries

  • Start Small: Practice in low-stakes situations, like stating a preference (e.g., “I’d prefer tea over coffee”).
  • Foster Reciprocity: Share needs openly to invite mutual support, turning relationships collaborative.
  • Seek Support if Needed: Journal solo or consult a depth psychology therapist for deeper work.
  • Track Progress: Weekly, note one win (e.g., “Expressed a need without guilt”) to build momentum.

Remember, this is about self-honoring, not selfishness. With consistent practice, you’ll create nourishing relationships. Refer back to the full article for more depth!

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Managing emotions

Addiction isn’t About Genes, It’s About Shame: How to Re-Understand Addiction with Psychoanalysis

Written by herecounseling

You’re wondering why you or a loved one struggles with addiction. Usually a quick internet search gives two tidy yet disappointing answers: (1) It’s genetic, or (2) it’s self-destructive behavior. But you know from experience addiction is much more complex.

This article explores how addiction can arise from shame. We’ll look at addiction through the lens of self-psychology, a branch of psychoanalysis, to help you understand that the struggles of addiction can be tied to unmet needs for affection and autonomy, rather than just biology or self-sabotage. By recognizing the role of shame, you can begin to approach healing with compassion for yourself.

Traditional Views of Addiction Fall Short

Society often views addiction through a medicalized lens, focusing on individual vulnerabilities to substances. This perspective emphasizes biological and behavioral factors but overlooks the obvious emotional underpinnings that drive addictive behaviors.

Common Medicalized Explanations for Addiction

  • Genetic Explanations: Research suggests that certain genetic predispositions can increase susceptibility to addiction, making some individuals more reactive to substances like alcohol or opioids.
  • Self-Sabotage Explanations: Addiction is sometimes framed as a form of unconscious self-destruction, where individuals engage in harmful behaviors due to low self-esteem or unresolved trauma.

While these views provide partial insights, they don’t fully address why addiction feels so intertwined with personal shame.

Shame Drives Addiction in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology, developed by Heinz Kohut, shifts the focus to shame as a core driver of addiction. In this framework, addiction arises from early experiences where natural needs for connection and independence are suppressed, leading to a cycle of hidden longings and self-reproach. Understanding this helps explain “why do some people have addiction”. It’s often a maladaptive attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs in a private, shame-filled way.

Close Relationships Build a Healthy Self

Self-psychology emphasizes the development of a healthy and strong self through close and loving caregivers. Psychological health depends on taking in positive interactions that foster independence and intimacy.

Selfobjects are people, things, or experiences outside of us that help build and keep our sense of who we are. They meet key emotional needs. They’re especially important when kids are growing up, but they matter all through life. There are three main kinds: mirroring (which makes you feel valued), idealizing (which gives you strength from someone you look up to), and twinship (which makes you feel like you belong because of similarities).

Traditional View Of AddictionSelf-Psychology View of Addiction
Focuses on genetic vulnerabilities and self-sabotageEmphasizes shame from unmet relational needs
Treats addiction as a biological diseaseSees addiction as a dysregulated attempt to fulfill longings for affection and autonomy
Interventions: Medication and behavioral therapyInterventions: Building awareness and healthy selfobject relationships

Examples of Selfobjects in Self-Psychology

Mirroring Selfobjects

These help by showing approval and making the child feel special and seen, which builds confidence.

  • A mom who gets really excited and claps when her child takes their first steps, making the kid feel proud and important.
  • A dad who smiles and says “Great job!” when his child shows him a drawing, helping the kid feel noticed and good about themselves.
  • A parent who cheers for their child’s little wins, like learning to tie shoes, which makes the kid feel capable.

Idealizing Selfobjects

These help by being a strong, calm role model that the child can admire and feel safe with.

  • A child seeing their dad as a hero who stays calm during a scary storm, which helps the kid feel protected.
  • A parent acting as a wise helper during homework time, giving the child a sense of security and something to look up to.
  • A mom who stays steady and comforting when her child falls and gets hurt, easing the kid’s worries.

Twinship (Alter-Ego) Selfobjects

These help by creating a feeling of being similar and connected, like you’re on the same team.

  • A parent and child doing a fun activity together, like planting flowers in the garden, which makes the kid feel like they share the same interests.
  • A dad playing sports with his child who loves the same games, building a bond through feeling alike.
  • A mom working on a puzzle side by side with her child, giving comfort from the shared way they think and do things.

Each of these helps a child build the ability to feel affection and autonomy. Affection is the ability to feel close, intimate, soothed, and safe. Autonomy is the ability to feel proud, independent, strong, and capable.

Without Close Relationships, Shame Grows

When parents fail to meet a child’s needs for affection and autonomy, shame emerges, forcing the child to suppress natural emotions.

  1. Parental shortcomings cause the child to feel ashamed of their desires for connection and independence.
  2. These desires become unavailable and threatening to the parent-child bond.
  3. The child disavows their experiences, suppressing longings instead of expressing them through hugs or prideful moments.
  4. Suppressed selfobject needs don’t vanish; they retreat into private fantasies within the child’s mind.
  5. These fantasies can become dysregulated, mixing pleasure with overwhelming shame.

This process sets the stage for later struggles, including addiction, as individuals seek to recapture these denied experiences in unhealthy ways.

Addiction Follows Early Shame

The addictive experience parallels the child’s retreat into fantasy, where suppressed needs for power, goodness, and connection manifest in a chaotic blend of pleasure and shame.

Parallels Between Childhood Shame and Adult Addiction

  • People with addictions, like kids who felt ashamed, see their needs for feeling affectionate and autonomous as inherently bad.
  • They turn to substances for love and freedom, feeling a blend of nice relief and guilty shame about themselves, just like the kid’s out-of-control daydreams.
  • They criticize themselves, feeling they’ve indulged too much, or have been too selfish.
  • They’re unaware of the good longings behind their chaotic behavior.
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Healing Involves Awareness and Relational Fulfillment

Recovery in self-psychology focuses on uncovering the good longings – typically for love and freedom – at addiction’s core. This awareness fosters self-acceptance and encourages seeking these states in healthy relationships without shame. Therapy can help rebuild selfobject experiences, reducing reliance on substances.

Treatment Goals in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology therapy sets goals in three key areas: your inner thoughts and feelings (intrapsychic), your daily actions (behavioral), and your connections with others (relational). These goals help you address the shame and unmet needs at the root of addiction.

Inner Goals: Rebuilding Your Sense of Self

The focus here is on exploring and accepting your hidden feelings of shame about needing love and independence. Therapy helps you see these needs as normal, not weak or bad, so you can feel more whole inside without constant self-doubt. This is a challenge. In response to the rejection you faced early on, your mind forms defenses that keep you from accepting love for yourself. A good psychoanalytic therapist will help you through these obstacles so you can soothe yourself and experience inner strength.

Behavioral Goals: Changing Habits Step by Step

This involves looking at why you turn to substances and finding healthier ways to meet those same needs. Instead of strict rules, you’ll learn to pause during cravings and try new actions that make you feel good or in control in positive ways. Behavioral change isn’t about abstinence, it’s about practicing new ways to respond to your growing awareness of your needs for affection and autonomy. The more you can find healthy ways to direct your emotional energy, the less you tend to rely on addictive behaviors.

Relational Goals: Connecting Without Fear

Therapy uses your relationship with the therapist as a safe practice ground to express needs openly. The aim is to rebuild trust in others, so you can seek closeness and freedom in relationships without hiding or feeling ashamed. When you learn to accept affection and autonomy within yourself, we expect that your relationships change as well. You’ll find new ways to ask for and give love to those close to you. You won’t be as withdrawn or angry, but rather will be able to engage with your partner without shame. These changes can make a significant difference in your daily life.

What Healing Looks Like

As you move forward, progress shows up in small, meaningful shifts across the three areas, building on the supportive bond with your therapist.

  • Inner Progress: You’ll start noticing and naming shame without letting it overwhelm you. Over time, this turns into self-acceptance, where you view your longings for connection as valid. You might feel less empty or self-critical, replaced by a growing sense of inner strength.
  • Behavioral Progress: Early signs include spotting patterns in your habits, like linking cravings to loneliness. As you experiment, you’ll replace old behaviors with new ones, such as choosing a walk over a substance. Progress feels like more control and fewer automatic reactions, leading to habits that truly satisfy you.
  • Relational Progress: You’ll begin sharing more honestly in therapy, feeling heard without judgment. This builds confidence to do the same with others, reducing isolation. Progress means relationships where you can be yourself, with less fear of rejection and more genuine bonds.

Slips can happen, but they’re seen as chances to learn, not failures, helping you stay compassionate toward yourself.

Timeline of Expected Changes

Healing unfolds gradually, with the therapist’s empathy guiding you. Here’s what changes might look like in initial treatment (first few months) versus longer-term (6 months and beyond), affecting your daily life.

Initial Treatment: Building Foundations

In the early stages, expect subtle shifts as you get comfortable in therapy. Inner changes might include less intense self-hate and starting to spot shame triggers during the day. Behaviorally, you could track cravings in a journal, leading to small wins like delaying a habit once or twice a week—maybe better sleep or more energy follows. Relationally, therapy feels like a safe space to open up a bit, reducing some loneliness, though daily interactions might still feel guarded. Overall, life may seem a little less chaotic, with glimmers of hope.

Longer-Term Changes: Deeper Transformation

As time goes on, changes become more noticeable and lasting. Inner growth brings a steadier sense of self, where you wake up feeling okay and handle stress with kinder thoughts, cutting down on overwhelming urges. Behaviorally, new habits stick, like regular hobbies or coping tools, freeing up time and boosting accomplishments—you might notice improved health or focus at work. Relationally, you’ll form stronger connections outside therapy, sharing needs with friends or family, leading to less isolation and more joy in social time. Daily life often feels lighter and more authentic, with addiction fading as you embrace real fulfillment.

Many clients report feeling more alive and capable of true happiness. If this sounds helpful, reaching out to one of our therapists is a good way to start.

Overcome Addiction in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We’ve been serving Pasadena and Los Angeles for the past 10 years, helping people just like you understand and overcome the root of addiction. In our clients, addiction has show up in many ways: alcohol, pornography, social media, food, illegal substances, and gambling.

Other solutions can unwittingly create a cycle of shame. Many treatments for addiction focus on compliance: Monitoring and aiming to reduce addictive behaviors. While this sounds like a no-nonsense way to approach a destructive habit, our experience and research shows that behavioral interventions serve as temporary fixes to a much deeper problem. If compliance is the only goal, the addictive behavior will transfer to another behavior. For example, a person reduces their alcohol consumption, but secretly begins gambling instead. This is because the shame beneath the addictive behavior was never addressed, but was instead exasperated by the treatment.

Our approach is to increase awareness as to the emotional need behind the addictive impulse. Building awareness moves you from reactivity to agency; you become more empowered to make a choice about what to do with your feeling.

Reach out today for a free consultation with one of our therapists.

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Ossanna Amran
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Trauma therapy in Pasadena with Julia Wilson, MA
Julia Wilson, MA

Frequently Asked Questions About Addiction and Shame

What Role Does Psychoanalysis Play in Understanding Addiction?

Psychoanalysis, including self-psychology, explores how early relational dynamics contribute to addiction, shifting focus from substances to emotional deficits.

Why Do Some People Develop Addiction While Others Don’t?

Individual differences in early experiences of shame and selfobject failures can make some more prone to using substances as a coping mechanism.

How Can I Overcome the Shame Associated with Addiction?

Start by recognizing shame as a learned response, then work with a therapist to reframe your longings as healthy and pursue them relationally.

Is Self-Psychology Effective for All Types of Addiction?

While it complements medical treatments, self-psychology is particularly helpful for addressing the emotional roots of behavioral and substance addictions.

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Managing emotions

What Is Trauma Dumping?

Written by Jamen

Understanding Oversharing, Boundaries, and Healing

Imagine catching up with a friend when, without warning, they begin describing painful, traumatic memories in vivid detail. You want to be there for them, but suddenly you feel overwhelmed, unsure what to say, and even guilty for wanting to pull away.

This is what many people describe as trauma dumping — when someone unloads their trauma without checking whether the listener is prepared to hold it.

At Here Counseling, we believe trauma dumping isn’t about being “too much.” It’s usually an attempt to find relief from unbearable emotions. But without boundaries, this way of sharing can unintentionally harm both the sharer and the listener.

What Is Trauma Dumping?

Trauma dumping happens when painful experiences are shared abruptly, intensely, and without consent. Unlike healthy sharing, where there’s mutual understanding and pacing, trauma dumping is one-sided and often leaves the listener feeling flooded.

The difference lies not in the story itself, but in the way it’s told. Healthy sharing invites connection. Trauma dumping can overwhelm, strain relationships, and keep trauma unprocessed.

Why Trauma Dumping Happens

People rarely trauma dump on purpose. It usually comes from desperation rather than malice.

Some trauma survivors have never been shown how to set boundaries or regulate their emotions. Others simply don’t have safe outlets, so friends, partners, or even coworkers become default spaces for their pain. Often, the person is seeking immediate relief, unaware of the toll it takes on others.

Understanding this helps us replace judgment with compassion. The act may be overwhelming, but behind it is someone longing for connection, safety, and support.

The Impact on Relationships

Trauma dumping can weigh heavily on both sides. For the listener, it can create exhaustion, anxiety, or even secondary stress. Over time, it may lead to avoidance or resentment if the relationship feels one-sided.

For the sharer, the pattern can reinforce isolation. Instead of receiving genuine connection, they may feel rejected when others pull away. Retelling trauma repeatedly without professional guidance can also re-trigger painful emotions, preventing real healing.

Recognizing the Signs

You might be trauma dumping if you find yourself telling traumatic stories suddenly, without asking if it’s a good time. It may also look like retelling the same painful event without relief, or feeling compelled to “get it all out” in one conversation.

If you’re on the receiving end, you might notice yourself feeling drained, uncomfortable, or pressured to listen without space to respond.

Recognizing these dynamics is not about blame. It’s about becoming more aware of how trauma shows up in conversations, so both people can stay connected without harm.

How to Share Without Trauma Dumping

Sharing trauma is not wrong — it’s human. What matters is how we share and where. A few shifts can make a big difference.

Checking in first is a powerful step. Asking, “Is this a good time to talk about something difficult?” honors the other person’s boundaries and creates safety.

Pacing your story also helps. Rather than pouring everything out at once, try focusing on one part and pausing to see how the listener responds. If the emotions feel too intense, journaling, grounding exercises, or breathwork can help you regulate before opening up to someone else.

Most importantly, seeking therapy offers a safe, structured space to explore trauma. Unlike friends or coworkers, a therapist is trained to hold the weight of painful stories, guide you through processing, and help you find relief that lasts.

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Responding Thoughtfully as a Listener

If someone begins trauma dumping with you, it’s normal to feel conflicted. You want to be supportive, but you also need to care for yourself. Here are compassionate ways to respond:

You might acknowledge their pain with something like, “I can see this is really hard for you.” Then set a gentle boundary: “I want to support you, but I’m not in the right headspace to go deep right now.”

You can also redirect them toward professional support: “This sounds like something a therapist could really help with. Would you consider talking to someone trained in this?”

Afterward, take care of yourself. Even short conversations about trauma can be draining. Giving yourself space to rest, reflect, or ground again ensures you don’t carry the weight alone.

The Role of Therapy

The urge to tell your trauma story is deeply human. But repeating it without containment can reinforce cycles of pain. Therapy provides a different path.

In a therapeutic space, you can share at your own pace with someone trained to hold the intensity of trauma. Approaches such as EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic work help you process memories in ways that bring genuine relief rather than re-traumatization.

At Here Counseling, our therapists in Los Angeles and Pasadena offer a safe, compassionate environment for this kind of work. We don’t just listen — we help you move from cycles of overwhelm toward clarity, connection, and healing.

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FAQs

Is trauma dumping intentional?
 Usually not. It often happens when someone feels overwhelmed and doesn’t realize they’re crossing boundaries.

Does trauma dumping mean I’m toxic?
 No. It means you may not yet have found safe outlets. With therapy and awareness, you can learn new ways of sharing.

Can trauma dumping damage relationships?
 Yes, it can strain connections. But with healthier communication and professional support, relationships can also heal.

How do I set boundaries without hurting someone?
 Be honest and compassionate. Try: “I care about you, but I don’t have the space to go into this right now. Let’s revisit later.”

Why is therapy safer than trauma dumping?
 Therapy provides a structured, confidential space where your story can be shared without overwhelming others and with professional guidance toward healing.

Final Thoughts

Wanting to share your trauma is not wrong — it’s a sign of being human. But without boundaries, trauma dumping can leave both people feeling more burdened than connected. Healing comes when stories are shared in safe, supportive spaces.

If you’ve felt caught in cycles of oversharing or disconnection, therapy can provide the relief you’ve been searching for. At Here Counseling, we’re here to help you process trauma in a way that restores balance and creates lasting change.

Schedule a call with our Care Coordinator today and take the first step toward safe, compassionate healing.

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Find Relief from Shame With These 3 Somatic Exercises

Written by juliawilson

When Self-Blame Keeps You In Burnout

It’s the end of the day, and you feel exhausted. The laundry list of things you started with in the morning is still half undone. You’re irritable with friends who want to hang out, even though part of you wants to see them. But mostly, you’re frustrated with yourself, thinking: “How did I get to the end of the day AGAIN with so much left undone? I should have been able to do more…”

The problem here isn’t just stress — it’s the “shoulds.” The repeated “should-ing” is often a sign that shame has taken the wheel. Shame isn’t just a thought in your head. It’s a full-body experience that pulls you into self-criticism, withdrawal, and hypervigilance. But here’s the good news: your body isn’t the enemy. In fact, it holds the doorway to healing.

What Is Shame?

Shame is the emotion that whispers, “I am bad” instead of “I did something bad.” When you feel overwhelmed by your to-do list or worry you’re letting friends down, shame can convince you that it’s not just your choices that are the problem — it’s you.

How Shame is Connected to Burnout

This self-judgment doesn’t just live in your mind — it drains your energy and keeps your body tense, linking shame directly to burnout. Burnout isn’t just about having too much on your plate — it’s also fueled by shame. When you constantly judge yourself for not doing enough, your body and mind stay in a state of tension. That “I should have…” voice doesn’t just create mental stress; it triggers the same physiological collapse that shame causes, keeping you trapped in exhaustion, self-criticism, and disconnection. In other words, burnout and shame are often two sides of the same coin: one drains your energy, the other convinces you that it’s your fault.

Why Shame Shows Up

From an evolutionary perspective, shame originally served to keep us safe and connected. Historically, if we risked being excluded from the group, shame acted as an internal alarm: “Don’t do that — you might get cast out.” Because humans depend on belonging, shame evolved as a way to keep us tethered to relationships.

That’s why shame is so often relational. It’s less about personal failure and more about disconnection. At its core, shame is a bid for reconnection.

How Shame Lives in the Body

When shame gets activated, many of us experience a kind of collapse. Even if shame tells you to “do more,” the underlying experience is one of defeat. Your body might slump forward, your gaze lowers, your voice gets quieter, and you feel smaller. Physiologically, your nervous system is moving into a withdrawal state — a survival response that once protected you, but now keeps you stuck.

Where Does Shame Come From?

Shame can take root in many ways. Sometimes it comes from early relational experiences:

  • A parent who disciplined harshly or sent the message that you were bad, not just your behavior.
  • A teacher who shamed you in front of the class.
  • Peer bullying that left you feeling unworthy or unlikable.

Cultural messages reinforce this wiring. We all absorb ideas about what emotions are “acceptable,” what bodies are “beautiful,” and what level of productivity equals “success.” When we inevitably fall short of these narrow ideals, shame floods in, telling us we’re not enough.

Over time, repeated relational injuries — especially in environments where shame was used as control or where love felt conditional — shape the nervous system. Shame becomes an automatic response to certain triggers, like making a mistake, being vulnerable, or even resting.

3 Common Patterns of Shame

Shame doesn’t just live in our thoughts — it shapes how we show up in daily life. Over time, shame creates patterns that can leave us stuck in cycles of exhaustion, self-doubt, and disconnection. Here are three of the most common ways shame shows up in our bodies, minds, and relationships:

1. Self-Criticism & Overthinking

Replaying mistakes, a harsh inner voice, the feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough.

You replay mistakes over and over, trying to figure out what you should have done differently. The inner voice gets harsh and relentless: “Why can’t you just get it right?” Even when you’ve done something well, shame convinces you it wasn’t enough.

2. Avoidance & Disconnection

Pulling away from people or opportunities to avoid judgment, rejection, or failure.

To avoid being judged or rejected, you start pulling back. Maybe you cancel plans, stop sharing openly, or avoid taking risks. On the surface it looks like “just needing space,” but underneath it’s about protecting yourself from potential shame.

3. People-Pleasing & Compliance

Saying yes when you want to say no, suppressing your needs to keep connection (but leaving yourself depleted).

    Instead of risking disapproval, you give in. You say yes when you want to say no. You hide your real feelings or silence your needs to maintain connection. While this might prevent immediate conflict, it often leaves you feeling unseen, exhausted, and resentful.

    These patterns are painful, but they’re not signs that you’re broken. They’re survival strategies your body learned long ago to protect you from the threat of disconnection. And because they live in the body, the body is also where healing begins.

    Three Steps to Healing Through Somatic Awareness

    The work of healing shame isn’t about erasing it. Shame is part of being human. Instead, it’s about changing how we respond when shame arises. Since shame shows up not only in our thoughts but also in our posture, breath, and nervous system, the body is one of the most powerful places to begin.

    1. Notice the Body’s Signals of Shame.

    When shame surfaces, the body often shifts into a collapse state: your shoulders round forward, your gaze drops, your voice gets quieter, or your chest feels tight. Begin by simply noticing these signals without judgment. The act of noticing creates space between you and the shame response. 

    2. Soften and Create Space in the Body.

    This could be as simple as taking a slower, deeper breath, uncrossing your arms, or placing your feet firmly on the ground. Small movements signal safety to the nervous system and interrupt the spiral of collapse.

    3. Nurture with Compassionate Touch or Movement.

    Offer your body the same care you might give a hurting child or friend. Place a hand over your heart and take a deep breath, stretch in a way that feels kind, or maybe go on a short walk. These small gestures remind your body that it is safe, worthy, and deserving of compassion.

    Each time you notice shame and respond with gentleness instead of self-blame, you’re rewiring your nervous system. Over time, your body learns that it no longer needs to collapse into shame — it can move toward connection, safety, and compassion instead.

    Move From Shame Toward Compassion

    Shame can feel overwhelming. It can keep you stuck in burnout. But it doesn’t have to define you. When you start to recognize shame’s signals and respond with curiosity and kindness, you loosen its grip. Each breath, each shift in posture, each small act of compassion toward your body becomes a way of saying: I am not the enemy. I am worth care.

    Healing shame isn’t about getting rid of it altogether. It’s about building a new relationship with yourself — one where your body is not a battleground, but a guide back to connection and peace.

    If you find yourself caught in cycles of self-blame and overwhelm, know that you don’t have to walk through it alone. At Here Counseling, we help people untangle these patterns and reconnect with themselves in more compassionate, embodied ways. Reaching out for support can be the first step in learning to live with more ease, gentleness, and freedom.

    I’d love to walk with you. You can gain insight into your self-blame. You can build new patterns. And you can find freedom from the overwhelm. Reach out today. 

    Schedule a Free Consultation for Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

    Trauma therapy in Pasadena with Julia Wilson, MA

    Julia Wilson, MA

    I’m a trained integrative trauma therapist practicing in Pasadena, CA. When you’re stuck in cycles of burnout, shame, or overwhelm, I can help you grow through deeper awareness and acceptance. I help individuals and adolescents tune into their bodies, notice shame’s signals, and build self-compassion while reclaiming their inner strength.

    Learn more about Trauma Therapy with Julia
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    Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

    Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks: How Trauma Shows Up in the Body

    Written by Addy Sonneland

    What Are Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks?

    When we talk about flashbacks, many people imagine vivid mental images of traumatic events. Emotional flashbacks are a bit different. Emotional flashbacks happen when the emotions tied to past trauma return (hurt, shame, fear, worthlessness, etc.) without a clear memory or image. Somatic flashbacks (or somatic re-experiencing) are bodily sensations that echo trauma—tightness, nausea, trembling, heart racing, freezing, pain, or other physical sensations that don’t seem to have a present cause. Occasionally, emotional and somatic flashbacks overlap. These experiences are especially common for those who have experienced complex trauma (C-PTSD) and trauma histories, especially when childhood or developmental trauma has occurred. (Charlie Health)

    What the Research Shows Us: Body, Memory, and Trauma

    Let’s look at what research tell us about how and why somatic/emotional flashbacks happen, how the body is involved, and, most importantly, what it means for healing.

    1. Body Memories & Negative Bodily Experiences

    In Clinical Manifestations of Body Memories (2022), researchers explores how negative bodily experiences from the past are stored as “body memories,” and the ways they influence behavior and physical responses even in the absence of conscious recall (PMC), Similar to visual memories, our bodies also can recall the events we have lived through. Likely, these are not conscious thoughts, but rather sensations (tightness in the chest, pain in the abdomen, nausea, trembling) or automatic behaviors like freezing, bracing, or withdrawing.

    Body memories can “pull” the nervous system into sympathetic or dorsal vagal states as if the old trauma is still happening. The body reacts to past danger in the present moment, bypassing conscious awareness. That’s why someone might suddenly feel panicked, nauseated, or disconnected without knowing why—because their nervous system is protecting them based on an old template.

    2. Neural Sensory Overwhelm, Dysregulation & Sensory Reactivity
    Research on PTSD (and PTSD with dissociative symptoms) shows that traumatic experiences change how the nervous system responds to sensory input. Sensory stimuli—even subtle ones—can overwhelm processing regions in the brainstem/midbrain, triggering intense emotional or bodily reactions (Frontiers). Stimuli that otherwise might be neutral like a car honking in the distance or someone dropping their phone can shift the nervous system into dysregulation.

    Think of your nervous system like a smoke alarm. A well-tuned alarm only goes off when there’s real smoke. But after trauma, the alarm can become overly sensitive—it blares at burnt toast, not just a house fire. Sensory overwhelm is your body’s alarm system going off too often or too intensely.

    3. Interoceptive Awareness & Mental Health
    Interoception is the awareness of sensations inside the body. In “The Body Can Balance the Score: Using a Somatic Self-Care…” researchers argue that strengthening interoceptive awareness helps people track and regulate their bodily sensations more effectively, reducing distress in cases of trauma and PTSD (PMC). Interoceptive awareness is your ability to notice and make sense of the signals coming from inside your body. These signals include things like your heartbeat, hunger, thirst, muscle tension, breathing, or the “gut feeling” you get when something feels right or wrong. It’s basically your inner notification center telling you what’s happening inside so you can respond in a healthy way.

    4. Effectiveness of Somatic Therapies
    Research is showing that somatic therapies—like Somatic Experiencing—can make a real difference for people living with trauma. In fact, randomized controlled trials (the gold standard in research) have found that this approach not only reduces PTSD symptoms but can also ease depression and even chronic physical sensations of pain (Psych Central). What makes this exciting is that it confirms what many people already feel in their own bodies: trauma isn’t just in the mind, it’s in the body too. And when therapy directly works with the body—through gentle awareness, movement, and regulation—it can support healing on multiple levels.

    What Emotional Flashbacks Feel Like

    • Sudden waves of an old emotion (shame, fear, grief) without clear “this is why” trigger
    • Bodily sensations: tight chest, racing heart, dizziness, shaking or trembling, freezing
    • Disconnection: feeling unreal, like you’re observing from outside, or stuck in a younger version of self
    • Time distortion: feeling as if you were back in the moment of trauma, or that it’s still ongoing
    • Inner critic activation: harsh self-talk, feelings of worthlessness, or believing you’re “bad” without a clear reason.
    • Shame spirals: wanting to hide, collapse, or withdraw suddenly.
    • Heightened sensory sensitivity: everyday sounds, light, and touch feel overwhelming or unbearable

    Four Somatic Therapy Interventions to Help

    InterventionWhat It Does / Why It HelpsHow to Use It
    1. Grounding through the body & orient to the presentThis helps shift your nervous system from being in “past/ trauma mode” into the present. Grounding reduces dissociation and helps remind your body that you are safe now.When you notice flashback symptoms, try things like pressing your feet into the floor, feeling the texture of something nearby, naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Pair grounding with time-stamping, telling yourself “This is 2025…I am in my home/a safe environment…the abusive situation is over… I am no longer around unsafe people…This is an adult body. I survived…”. (Pasadena Trauma Therapy)
    2. Somatic pacing or pendulationThis idea-often used in somatic experiencing or sensorimotor therapy-gives you a way to gently move between a state of high arousal/activation (flashback) and something calmer, so you don’t get overwhelmed. Your body learns it can tolerate distress and return to regulation.For example: when you feel the flashback coming, notice the sensations, but after a short while shift attention to something calming (soft touch, soothing sounds, safe memory). You might literally rock or sway, do gentle movement, alternate arm/leg movements, or shift your focus to somewhere physically present and safe. Over time you can increase the “distance” or duration you spend in noticing discomfort before returning to calm.
    3. Breath work & activating the parasympathetic nervous systemFlashbacks often trigger sympathetic arousal (fight/flight/freeze). Conscious breathing can engage the parasympathetic branch, slowing the heart, relaxing the body, reducing panic.A few options: 4-7-8 breathing (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8), belly/diaphragmatic breathing, exhaling slowly through the mouth with an audible sigh to exhale. Pair breathing with soft affirmations like “I am safe now” or “This is a body memory, I am not in present danger”. Practicing breathwork when calm will help make deep breathing a habit that is accessible to you in an activated state.
    4. Movement, sensory input & safe touchMovement helps the body complete responses that may have been “stuck” during trauma; sensory input (touch, pressure, warmth) helps “re-anchor” the body in the here and now. Movement naturally helps modulate over-activation or numbness.Movement practices and intentional sensory input like gentle yoga, slowly walking in nature, shaking/tremoring (with guidance or in safe space), tactile self-soothing (holding a soft object, putting hands under cold running water, hugging yourself, weighted blanket) shift the nervous system toward regulation. As you move, practice body scans to notice where tension is, then consciously relax or non-judgmentally observe those muscles. If safe and if accessible, massage or therapeutic touch can ease somatic flashbacks. Remember to stay within tolerable limits—slow movement or decrease sensory input as needed.

    Putting it all together: a gentle self-care plan

    Here’s a sample flow you might try when a flashback hits, combining the tools above. You can adapt this based on what feels safest / what resonates.

    1. Notice & Name
      “I am having a somatic/emotional flashback.” Naming it helps shift the experience from being overwhelming and unnamable to something you can respond to.
    2. Ground Into the Present
      Use time-stamping and grounding: touch, look around, feel your feet, describe surroundings. Speak to yourself, reminding yourself you are safe and in the present moment.
    3. Regulate Through Breath
      Once slightly grounded, initiate slow, calm breathing. As breath slows, allow the body’s intensity to lessen.
    4. Pendulate / Movement
      When safe, allow small movement or gentle shifts. Then return to rest, softness, slowing. As needed, alternate until you feel more anchored.
    5. Soothing Sensation or Safe Touch
       Use soft touch, warmth, safe object around you. Let your skin/ body feel “something kind.”

    Healing That Lasts: Returning the Traumatized Nervous System to Safety and Regulation

    Healing from trauma is a journey, and it doesn’t happen overnight. As much as we all wish there were a quick fix, trauma leaves real changes in how our brains and bodies respond to the world. Recovery is about gently creating new experiences of safety and regulation so that, over time, your nervous system learns it’s okay to stay within a steadier, calmer “window of tolerance.”

    Coping tools you use on your own can be very helpful, but research shows that healing often goes deeper when you have the support of a trauma-informed therapist—especially one trained in approaches like Somatic Therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, or Polyvagal-based practices.

    You’ve probably had moments where you instantly felt calmer just by being around someone steady and kind—or, on the flip side, noticed yourself becoming tense around someone who’s anxious or angry. That’s not just imagination. It’s your nervous system tuning in to someone else’s nervous system. Through things like tone of voice, facial expression, body posture, and even subtle shifts in breathing, our bodies are constantly “reading” cues of safety or danger in others. This happens automatically, beneath conscious thought, through a process called neuroception (a concept from polyvagal theory). This is why somatic trauma therapies are so effective—they actively use the therapist’s calm, attuned presence to help the body re-learn safety and regulation through co-regulation. Each session is a new experience for the your nervous system to encode!

    The Reality of Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks

    Flashbacks rarely disappear overnight, and the path to healing is rarely a straight line. With consistent practice and support, they may become less frequent or intense over time, but it’s normal for sensations or emotions to still feel overwhelming at moments. Whenever possible, do this work with someone you trust or a trained professional, and remember to be gentle with yourself—frustration, shame, or fear about having flashbacks are normal, but they aren’t helpful. Every time you notice these experiences with awareness and self-compassion, you are taking steps toward healing.

    It’s also important to pay attention to your physical health: if new or concerning symptoms appear—like heart racing, dizziness, chest pain, shortness of breath, or fainting—check in with a medical professional, as these could be related to conditions such as arrhythmia, anemia, thyroid issues, low blood pressure, or other health concerns, not just trauma.

    Your path forward

    Emotional and somatic flashbacks are intense. They can make you feel trapped in the past, disconnected from your body, or overwhelmed by sensations you don’t fully understand. But they are not signs of failure—they are signals. Signals that your nervous system is still carrying unresolved pain. The body is trying to communicate what words sometimes cannot.

    The good news: research and many practitioners have shown that with somatic awareness, grounding, supportive movement, breath, and gentle, compassionate self-care, people can learn to ride the waves of flashbacks rather than be swept away by them. Over time, they can lessen—both in frequency and in the intensity of the responses with the help of a trained mental health professional. Your not stuck, your nervous system is crying out for regulation. Healing is right around the corner and your body can learn to be safe again.

    Schedule a Free Consultation for Somatic Therapy in Pasadena

    Certified Somatic Therapy in Pasadena
    Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

    Hi, I’m Addy, a trained integrative somatic trauma therapist. If you notice trauma showing up in your body, whether through flashbacks, muscle tension, or overwhelming sensations, this isn’t something have to go through it alone. I help individuals and adolescents recover from trauma, rewire their nervous system, and tap into their innate inner strength.

    Learn more about Somatic Therapy with Addy

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    Managing emotions

    How Long to Heal Childhood Trauma? 1-3 Years with Therapy, Research Says

    Written by herecounseling

    You’ve carried it quietly for decades: that knot in your chest from a childhood home laced with shouts, neglect, or worse. Now, as an adult, it sneaks in: explosive reactions in relationships, executive function fog, or a vague “stuck” feeling amid life’s fires (literal or not). If you’re asking, How long until I feel whole?breathe. Survivors like you arrive resilient but weary, often after losses amplify old wounds. Science affirms: Healing isn’t endless; with therapy, it’s a structured journey to freedom. Here’s what research reveals, and steps to lighten your load.

    What Percentage of Adults Recover from Childhood Trauma?

    Hearteningly, 60-80% achieve significant recovery with trauma-informed therapy, regaining trust and vitality. Without? Only 20-30% naturally process it, as unhealed trauma doubles risks for anxiety or relational rifts. Longitudinal studies show EMDR or somatic therapy yields 70% symptom reduction lasting 2+ years.

    Why Childhood Trauma Lingers (And Feels Like a Shadow in Adulthood)

    Trauma rewires the brain’s alarm system, turning safety into scarcity. Genetic and environmental factors (abusive homes, chronic stress) create vulnerability, with 40-50% heritability in responses. For clients post-fires or breakups, it resurfaces as dissociation or hypervigilance, echoing that young self’s survival mode.

    Childhood Trauma Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?

    Timelines vary by chronicity: Acute (single events) heals in months, but ongoing abuse? 1-3 years with therapy. Expect 3-6 months for safety, 6-18 for processing, and 1-3 years for integration. A pilot study of trauma therapy found 65% “life-changing” relief by year 1.

    Factors That Shape Your Trauma Healing Timeline

    The speed at which a person heals from childhood trauma depends on:

    • Trauma Type: Physical/emotional (faster, 1-2 years) vs. complex (2-3+ years).
    • Support Network: Strong ties cut time by 30%; isolation extends it.
    • Therapy Modality: Somatic/EMDR therapy accelerates by 40% over talk-alone.
    • Co-Occurring Issues: ADHD or anxiety (common in requests) adds 6 months but responds well to integrated care.

    What Are the Stages of Healing from Childhood Trauma?

    Let’s outline five core stages of therapy for childhood trauma. These stages are a broad overview of what to expect, based on our experience taking clients through EMDR, Somatic, and psychoanalytic therapy.

    1. Safety & Stabilization (Months 1-3): Establish resources and a therapeutic alliance to feel secure.
    2. Awareness & Assessment (Months 3-6): Identify and acknowledge trauma targets through gentle exploration.
    3. Processing & Discharge (Months 6-12): Access and express trauma via bilateral stimulation or titration.
    4. Integration & Reconnection (Months 12-18): Build new internal resources for coping, regulating, and expressing emotions in a healthy way.
    5. Reevaluation & Maintenance (Months 18+): Build lifelong tools that promote connection and agency throughout life.

    These stages often overlap or cycle, but clients frequently describe a profound shift, like one who said, “Processing unlocked the freeze in my chest—now I breathe freer than I have in years.”

    StageFocusTypical DurationKey Practice
    SafetyBuild security and resources1-3 monthsGrounding and alliance-building
    AwarenessAcknowledge wounds3-6 monthsSensation tracking and memory mapping
    ProcessingRelease held energy6-12 monthsEMDR sets or titration exercises
    IntegrationRewire beliefs and reconnect12-18 monthsPositive cognition installation and narrative shifts
    ReevaluationSustain growth18+ monthsProgress reviews and self-care rituals

    Therapy for Childhood Trauma vs. No Therapy

    Solo efforts help short-term, but therapy triples recovery odds, halving timelines. Without? Symptoms fester, raising relapse to 70%. Somatic therapy, ideal for your fire survivors, targets body-stored pain for 80% faster relief.

    ApproachRecovery RateTimelineSymptom Reduction
    No Therapy (Self-Help)20-30%3+ years (variable)20-40%
    With Therapy60-80%1-3 years60-70%

    Frequently Asked Questions About Healing Childhood Trauma

    Can childhood trauma cause PTSD in adults?

    Yes, childhood trauma significantly increases the risk of developing PTSD later in life, as it alters brain responses to stress and safety. Therapy like EMDR can help reprocess these early experiences to reduce PTSD symptoms effectively.

    How do I know if I have unresolved childhood trauma?

    Signs include chronic anxiety, relationship difficulties, or unexplained emotional triggers that echo past events. Reflecting on questions like “Was your home a safe place?” can help identify patterns worth exploring in therapy.

    Does childhood trauma ever go away?

    Childhood trauma doesn’t fully disappear but can be integrated and managed, allowing you to live without its constant shadow. With consistent therapy, most people report reduced impact and greater emotional freedom over time.

    What are the signs of childhood trauma in adults?

    Common indicators are low self-esteem, hypervigilance, or avoidance in relationships, often stemming from early instability. Recognizing these early paves the way for healing through targeted interventions like somatic therapy.

    How long does it take to heal from childhood trauma?

    Healing timelines vary from months for acute cases to 1-3 years for complex trauma with therapy support. Factors like support networks and therapy type play key roles in accelerating progress.

    Is Trauma Therapy Right for Your Childhood Wounds?

    If echoes disrupt your peace, therapy transforms shadows into strength. Approaches like somatic or EMDR can help, turning survival into thriving.

    Healing starts with one brave step. Schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists that specialize in childhood trauma work.

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    Male Depression Takes 1-5 Years to Recover, Research Says

    Written by John Allan Whitacre

    How long does it take for men to recover from depression?

    If you’re close to someone you care about deeply and suspect he might be dealing with depression, it can be really challenging to know how to reach out to him. You might feel disconnected from what he’s experiencing and find yourself caught in a daily struggle about how to ask the right questions or even if it’s okay to bring it up. Each day can feel heavy with unspoken worries, making your interactions feel strained and loaded with unexpressed emotions. You can’t help but wonder about his well-being, what’s going on inside his head, and how you can be there for him without overstepping. It’s tough to navigate those feelings while wanting to be a source of support and understanding. You may wonder,

    • How long does male depression last?
    • If he got help, how long does male depression take to heal?
    • Is this a passing phase? Will it get better on its own?
    • Is it worth it to get help for male depression?

    We’ll answer all your questions about treating male depression in this article. You’ll know how to approach it and what he needs in order to recover.

    70-90% of Men Achieve Recovery from Depression with Proper Treatment

    Research indicates that with tailored therapeutic interventions such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic approaches, 70-90% of men with depression can experience significant symptom reduction or full recovery, characterized by improved mood stability, reduced symptoms, and enhanced daily functioning. Without intervention, recovery rates fall to 20-40%, often resulting in chronic issues or complications like substance misuse or heightened suicide risk. Early identification and therapies attuned to male experiences, including addressing stigma, markedly improve outcomes, converting concealed suffering into a journey of renewed vitality and relationships.

    Depression Inflicts Deep Trauma-Like Pain on Men and Their Loved Ones

    Depression in men undermines their fundamental identity, transforming routine duties like work or family life into daunting ordeals rife with shame, detachment, and despair. This inner turmoil is a large part of their struggle, intensified by cultural norms of resilience, contributing to associated problems like irritability, anxiety, or avoidance behaviors. The cascading impact burdens close relationships, stirring bewilderment and powerlessness, yet framing this distress as trauma paves the way for compassionate, specialized recovery methods.

    Male Depression Arises from Genetic, Environmental, and Contextual Factors

    Depression in men develops through an intricate blend of genetic susceptibilities, environmental strains, and contextual pressures, particularly in phases where roles and self-perception are tested.

    Genetic Factors

    Genetically, evidence points to an inheritable element, with familial backgrounds heightening risk via traits like neurochemical disparities or sensitivities to stress and mood fluctuations—genetics might explain 40-50% of depression vulnerability in men. Men could inherit propensities that, once activated, result in enduring low spirits. One individual recounted, “This is exactly what my parent put me through, and at 18 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, genetic from family, and that only compounded my already fragile system from the years of trauma and abuse.” Another highlighted perceived inheritances: “Both of my parents are obese so I grew up thinking I was going to become fat no matter what… that changed my perspective, actually sparked an eating disorder,” demonstrating how genetic views can spillover into mental health challenges.

    But just because depression is genetic doesn’t mean it can’t be changed or healed. 40-50% of variability means that of any person’s depression, 40-50% of it is based on a genetic set-point. This means 50-60% of a highly genetically depressed person (endogenously depressed person) is able to change. That’s good news if you or your loved one has a family history of depression.

    Environmental Factors

    Environmentally, cultural demands, including media-promoted success standards, job-related tension, social seclusion, and norms stifling emotional openness, increase susceptibility, frequently amplifying genetic dangers to spark depressive periods. Men commonly identify stressors like unemployment or societal pressure as initiators.

    Additionally, males experience more social isolation that women, leading to worse mental health outcomes. Men have fewer close friends than women, and additionally, they have fewer close friends than they did 20 years ago. Social circles serve as a support against depression, and when our social relationships are weakened, we become more vulnerable to depression.

    Contextual Factors

    Contextually, family interactions are vital: disputes such as ineffective dialogue or elevated expectations can cultivate inadequacy; control struggles, where men navigate independence amid disorder; and interruptions like abrupt losses (e.g., bereavement, separation, or trauma) correlate with emergence, as unprocessed sorrow may drive depression as an ineffective coping tactic.

    Common Signs of Depression in Men Often Masked as Other Behaviors

    Depression in men frequently presents through externalized or concealed symptoms rather than overt sadness, complicating recognition—research shows men are more prone to irritability, anger, withdrawal, and dissociation, often misattributed to personality or stress. These manifestations stem from societal expectations of stoicism, leading to underdiagnosis—studies indicate 30-40% of depressed individuals exhibit short tempers, with men showing higher rates of anger attacks, substance issues, and risk-taking. Dissociation appears as emotional numbness or detachment, tied to chronic fight-or-flight states. The table below outlines key signs with descriptions and supporting research:

    SignDescriptionResearch Support
    Anger and IrritabilityQuick frustration, outbursts, or agitation over minor issues, often masking underlying hopelessness.30-40% of depressed individuals show short tempers; higher in men with anger attacks or aggression.
    WithdrawalBecoming detached, negative, or socially isolated, avoiding interactions or responsibilities.Linked to restlessness, on-edge feelings, and relational strain in depressed men.
    DissociationFeeling disconnected from thoughts, emotions, or reality, like numbness or being “on autopilot.”Associated with chronic stress responses, brain fog, and emotional disconnection in depression.
    Fatigue and Sleep IssuesPersistent tiredness, insomnia, or oversleeping, reducing engagement in activities.Common in male depression, often with loss of pleasure in hobbies.
    Risk-Taking or Substance UseIncreased alcohol/drug use, reckless behaviors as coping mechanisms.Higher rates in men, tied to unnecessary risks and anger.

    Therapy Halves Depression Recovery Timeline for Men

    Complete recovery from male depression may extend 5-10 years absent support, yet therapies like EMDR, somatic, or psychodynamic can condense this to 6 months-5 years, with response rates reaching 70-90% when appropriately matched. This summary emphasizes effective routes to hasten recovery, stressing the value of prompt, stigma-sensitive care, with medication considered only if clinically warranted.

    Key Factors Shape Male Depression Healing Timelines

    Recovery durations for male depression fluctuate depending on aspects like symptom longevity (briefer episodes heal swifter), age (younger men potentially respond faster), accompanying conditions such as anxiety or substance concerns, interpersonal backing, drive, and availability of male-oriented therapies. Swift therapeutic engagement targeting catalysts like seclusion or trauma additionally tailors and hastens the route to health.

    Male Depression Healing Progresses Through Five Essential Stages

    Healing from male depression evolves via interconnected stages, derived from proven frameworks:

    1. Denial and Onset (Days to Months) – Preliminary dismissal of indicators, frequently disguised as irritability or retreat.
    2. Anger and Progression (1-6 Months) – Escalating frustration, appearing as outward actions like hostility amid intensifying seclusion.
    3. Bargaining and Crisis (3-12 Months) – Efforts to barter with the state, such as overexertion for relief, culminating in possible crises.
    4. Depression and Treatment (6 Months-2 Years) – Primary symptoms prevail; therapy centers on oversight and capability enhancement to avert recurrence.
    5. Acceptance and Integration (1-5+ Years) – Adopting equilibrium, diminishing depression’s hold, enabling revitalized involvement with sporadic aid.

    Treatment Boosts Recovery Rates and Speeds Healing Compared to No Intervention

    Fortitude assists every path, yet organized therapy vastly exceeds unmanaged routes, elevating recovery from 20-40% to 70-90% and truncating durations from 5-10+ years to 6 months-5 years for numerous men. The table beneath juxtaposes essential facets:

    AspectWith Treatment (e.g., EMDR, Somatic, Psychodynamic)Without Treatment
    Recovery Rate70-90% significant improvement20-40% spontaneous recovery
    Timeline6 months-5 years for many, up to 10 for full5-10+ years, often chronic
    Relapse RiskLower (20-50%, mitigated by ongoing care)Higher (up to 60% chronic)
    Mortality/ComplicationsReduced with early helpElevated, including higher suicide risk
    Quality of LifeEnhanced mood, relationships, functioningPersistent isolation, anxiety

    This accentuates therapy’s crucial function in attaining swifter, more thorough recuperation.

    The Treatment Pathway Accelerates Healing from Male Depression

    Methods like EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic yield 70-80% improvement within months to years for initial alleviation, progressing to 1-3 years for lasting remission through customized assistance tackling male-unique hurdles. Therapy confronts both manifestations and origins, encompassing genetics, environmental burdens, or contextual wounds, via gradual evolution; medication may be integrated if deemed necessary by a professional.

    Beginning Stages: Building Safety and Stability (First 1-3 Months)

    Preliminary therapy prioritizes crisis steadiness and emotional safeguarding, frequently commencing with somatic methods to reestablish bodily awareness while evaluating origins like genetic susceptibilities or cultural strains. Men might hesitate, sensing vulnerability, yet sessions cultivate a bias-free arena to articulate repressed fury or disgrace—for example, pinpointing coexisting conditions and weaving in grounding exercises to reconstruct regimen, establishing bedrock for profound inquiry.

    Middle Stages: Unpacking and Rebuilding (3-12 Months)

    Upon steadiness, emphasis pivots to dissecting fundamental elements through psychodynamic exploration, contesting warped perceptions from psychological foundations like diminished value or environmental detachment via reflection and relational labor. Should contextual catalysts like familial bereavement or occupational trauma have ignited it, meetings incorporate EMDR for grief reprocessing alongside family engagement to bolster dialogue and navigate sorrow. Benchmarks encompass lessened irritability and modest triumphs like social reconnection, amongst relapses, nurturing endurance and sounder coping past repression.

    Later Stages: Integration and Long-Term Growth (1-3+ Years)

    Progressive segments solidify advancements and deter reversion by assimilating insights into routine. Men tackle persistent origins, such as genetic inclinations via sustained comorbidity oversight or environmental modifications like workplace limits to battle seclusion. Therapy underscores self-kindness, reimagining fortitude past rigidity, and forging male support circles for autonomy—for instance, assured choices, fortified ties, and aspiration pursuit—with intermittent consultations assuring perpetual liberation. This yields metamorphosis, transmuting fragility into empowered existence.

    Frequently Asked Questions About Male Depression

    What Are the Common Signs of Depression in Men?

    Indicators frequently emerge as irritability, anger, fatigue, hobby disinterest, substance utilization, hazard-seeking, or detachment, over explicit sorrow—bodily grievances like cephalalgias or gastrointestinal woes might also indicate it.

    How Can Loved Ones Support a Man with Depression?

    Foster candid exchange sans coercion, exemplify openness, tenderly propose expert assistance, and partake in pursuits like exertion. Eschew belittling sentiments; prioritize sympathy and evade facilitating seclusion.

    What Are the Most Effective Treatments for Male Depression?

    EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic methods stand as primary, frequently merged with lifestyle alterations; male-centric clusters tackle stigma. For acute instances, inpatient or adjunctive modalities may assist, with optimal results from premature, amalgamated strategies; antidepressants if indicated.

    Can Male Depression Be Prevented?

    Advancing affective literacy, robust communal bonds, tension oversight, and premature psychological assessments can alleviate hazards. Confronting elements like solitude or trauma diminishes occurrence, albeit genetics constrain absolute aversion.

    Does Depression in Men Resolve on Its Own?

    Infrequently; unmanaged, it commonly endures or deteriorates, amplifying perils. Engagement substantially augments results, altering persistent conflicts into controllable restorations.

    Speak With Me and Learn More About Treatment for Depression

    Want to better understand what treatment could look like for you—or for a man you care about who may be struggling with depression? You don’t have to navigate this alone. Taking the first step toward support can feel overwhelming, but it’s also the most important move toward healing and relief.

    I specialize in helping men work through depression in a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space. Together, we’ll find an approach that feels right and actually works.

    Schedule a free phone consultation with me today—let’s talk about how therapy can help you or your loved one move forward.

    Schedule a Phone Consultation with John Allan

    John Allan Whitacre, AMFT provides therapy for men with depression in Pasadena.

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