Managing emotions Archives

Therapy for healing self-criticism, judgement, and blame with self-compassion and hope

Are You Your Own Worst Critic? How to Heal Self-Criticism

Written by Andrew Wong

Whoever first realized, “I am my own worst critic” brilliantly described a painful and all too-common way many people relate to themselves. Self-criticism involves harsh or negative views and judgements of one’s self. This pattern of self-criticism is especially overwhelming because the critic is not someone “out there” that can be escaped, but emerges from within someone’s core beliefs and self-concept. Those who suffer from self-criticism feel as if a harsh judge follows right behind them, waiting to criticize any mistake or misstep, no matter how small ¹.

Self-criticism can be hard to identify, especially for people caught in relating to themselves harshly. Here are several examples of what self-critical thoughts sounds like and possible feelings tied to them:

I always make mistakes and I’ll never do better (Feelings: despair, fear)
I’m selfish and deserve to be treated badly for it (Feelings: shame, loneliness)
I’ll never be as good as her (Feelings: envy, embarrassment)

While self-criticism is a common and painful experience, it is not the most central truth of any person’s life. Beneath the self-criticism, and whatever pain made it necessary, is a living person that desires to heal. Through cultivating new ways of relating to themselves, people can experience self-compassion and understanding. In this article I explore self-criticism, how it contributes to suffering in our lives, why we adopted this relational pattern, and practices for healing harsh judgement with self-compassion.

Self-Criticism or Healthy Standards?

Through my experiences helping people heal from self-criticism, it’s important to distinguish between holding healthy standards and punishing self-criticism. Below I share common ways people describe healthy standards as well as possible feelings that come along with relating to yourself with a healthy vision of who you want to be.

Healthy Standards: Hope for the Future

I made a mistake but I genuinely want to learn from it and grow (Feelings: hope, strength, resolve)
I acted selfishly so I want to repair the relationship (Feelings: healthy guilt, compassion for others)
My colleague is so skilled, I want to keep growing too (Feelings: excitement, passion)

Healthy standards give us a vision of the person we want to become. These standards can be internalized from our religious and ethical values, our families, and the people we respect. High standards allowed us to see ourselves as someone on the way, neither perfect nor worthless, but capable of growth and worthy of respect.

Self-Criticism: Trapped and Powerless

Quite differently, self-criticism creates a completely fixed sense of who we are. It is as if a judge has passed a life-sentence upon us. This harsh judgement communicates that we are bad, unworthy, and powerless to change. One of the easiest ways to determine whether you are holding high standards or self-criticism is to ask yourself: Do I feel hopeful about who I am becoming and my future? Or do I feel powerless and trapped in imperfections?

Being Your Own Worst Critic Leads to Suffering

When self-criticism plays a powerful role in how you understand yourself and navigate through life, it also places you at increased risk for adverse mental health outcomes.

Depression

Unrealistic and harsh judgement are frequently related to low mood, strong negative emotions, and even depression. Punishing self-criticism contributes significant stress to someone and places them at-risk of developing depression. For people actively experiencing depression, the common feelings of worthlessness and inordinate guilt can be sustained or worsened by self-judgement.

Anticipating that you will make mistakes and fail can contribute to anxiety disorders, which are characterized by overwhelming worry, restlessness, and fear. Many self-critical people report especially difficult anxiety brought on by social interactions. This is completely understandable since the self-critical person believes that the way they view themselves must be how others also see them.

Control and Escape

Harsh self-criticism causes people to suffer in profound ways. Anyone caught in these patterns of self-judgement and rejection will understandably look for ways to control and soothe their pain. However, the person suffering from self-criticism often feels cut off from the compassion of others and even their own self-compassion.

This is where highly self-critical people, seeking some relief, may fall into stressful fixations. Seeking some order and relief from the punishing judge, self-critical people may over-control what they can. Unfortunately, their lives can easily become overwhelmed by concerns about:

The food they eat
What people think about them
The grades they receive
Their performance at work

Others who feel attacked by the self-critical voice may try to numb or distract themselves from harsh judgement through:

Using alcohol and other substances
Seeking constant stimulation and interaction
Spending excessive time online

Despite these understandable attempts to find relief, the judge eventually re-emerges. Self-critical people then experience even more of this harsh judgement for dissatisfying attempts at self-soothing.

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

People who suffer from self-criticism frequently share the deep desire to be free of their harsh judge and are puzzled by the ways they feel trapped by it. Oftentimes, someone suffering from self-criticism may not realize that the judge exists because it once helped us to survive and navigate the challenges of life. Below I explain common purposes that self-criticism plays in the lives of people.

Protecting Loved Ones By Taking the Blame

Growing up means building relationships with imperfect parents and caregivers. Even the best parents fail to connect with their children in every situation. Through early childhood experiences, you may have received the message that your parents or caregivers could not tolerate the inevitable challenges of being family.

In these cases, you may have learned that by taking on all the blame (“It was my fault mom, I’m sorry I was so bad”) you protected your loved one and your relationship. For people who experienced harm from parents and caregivers through abuse or neglect, self-criticism and blame may be even more extreme.

Fitting In and Meeting Expectations

Our lives are also shaped by cultural and social expectations. We want to be “good” people, however that goodness is understood by our families, traditions, and cultures. Relationships with others in our lives also come with expectations. We want to please teachers and coaches, bosses and colleagues, friends and romantic partners. Over time we may embrace self-criticism as a way of meeting standards and maintaining these relationships.

Controlling Uncontrollable Situations

Each of our lives is touched by suffering and adversity, albeit in very different ways. At times, experiences feel uncontrollable and go beyond our ability to make sense of them. Trauma occurs when we experience something so stressful that it overwhelms our ability to describe it with words, contain it with feelings, and process it in our body.

Self-criticism is one way to maintain some sense of control amid stress and trauma. A harsh self-criticism (“It was all my fault that terrible event happened”) provides some sense of control and may feel less overwhelming than the truth (“No one could have stopped what happened, it was simply uncontrollable”).

Self-Criticism Came From Somewhere, It’s Time to Heal It

Like any psychological challenge or unhealthy pattern, self-criticism represents a way we learned to navigate the world. In many cases, it was once a brilliant and sadly necessary way to get through life. Healing from self-criticism means understanding the role you once needed it to play. With that recognition also comes the truth that there are other ways to relate to yourself, your relationships, and the challenges of life that do not harshly judge you. Self-compassion is one way forward.

Self-Compassion Heals Self-Criticism

While self-criticism may have been a key way of navigating the world, there are ways to begin healing your internal judge. Even patterns first established in early-childhood can be transformed. Below are three reflection exercises to help you grow in self-compassion today.

Take a Long-Term Perspective

Growth and change take time. While the self-critic points out that you haven’t reached every one of your goals, self-compassion invites you to take a long-term view of your life and recognize the progress you have made. How have you already grown, changed, or healed? Can you take time to feel the emotions that rise in you as you consider your victories, successes, and perseverance? You may not be where you ultimately hope to be yet, but how far have you come already?

Speak to Yourself Compassionately

Who has shown you love and acceptance in your life? Can you imagine that person looking you in the eyes and telling you some truth about who you are? If you don’t go immediately to the self-critic and judge, what does this loving relationship say about you? Linger in the feelings and images that emerge as you remain with this loved one and take in their words to you.

Imagine Your Younger Self

As an adult, can you now tell your younger self what they needed to hear and know–that the hurt was not all their fault, that they were just a kid, that they are strong and will get through the adversity to keep living? While self-criticism keeps people frozen in time, self-compassion allows us to reach into the past and imagine the future from this present moment of compassion and strength. If this exercise brings on feelings that are too overwhelming or difficult, that is ok. The journey of self-compassion takes time and is not meant to be taken alone.

Therapy for Self-Criticism

Whether you have worked on self-criticism for years or are just beginning to recognize this pattern in your life, therapy is a powerful relationship to heal the judge and learn self-compassion. In my work with people from many life seasons and experiences, I have learned that the common factor for healing self-criticism is a compassionate and wise relationship.

If you experience self-criticism and judgement as simply “who you are” a therapist can partner with you to disentangle this pattern from the reality of who you are. Others have gained tremendous insight about their self-criticism, but still don’t feel any differently. A therapist can provide insight into how your thoughts, feelings, and body can experience real healing and relief from judgement. You don’t need to face self-criticism alone. It is time to confront the pattern of harsh self-criticism and cultivate self-compassion in your life, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

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FAQ: Healing Self-Criticism

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism involves harsh, negative self-judgments that create an internal critic, such as thoughts like “I always make mistakes” leading to feelings of despair or fear. It’s often internalized and can feel constant.

How does self-criticism differ from healthy standards?

Healthy standards are growth-oriented and inspire hope, while self-criticism feels fixed and powerless, focusing on flaws without room for improvement.

What are the effects of self-criticism on mental health?

Self-criticism can contribute to depression (low mood, worthlessness), anxiety (worry, fear of failure), and maladaptive coping like over-control, substance use, or escapism.

Where does self-criticism come from?

It often originates as a survival strategy, such as taking blame to protect relationships, meeting societal expectations, or attempting to control trauma and uncontrollable situations.

How can I heal self-criticism?

Healing involves cultivating self-compassion through reflection exercises and therapy, transforming judgmental thoughts into kinder, more supportive self-talk.

What is self-compassion and how does it help with self-criticism?

Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness during struggles. It heals self-criticism by reducing suffering, fostering growth, and disentangling criticism from your identity.

What exercises can help practice self-compassion?

Try these: Reflect on long-term growth perspectives, imagine compassionate words from loved ones directed at yourself, or comfort your younger self in a visualization.

When should I seek therapy for self-criticism?

Seek therapy if self-criticism feels overwhelming, deeply ingrained, impacts daily life or mental health, or if self-help exercises aren’t enough for lasting change.

¹I am indebted to the work of Allan Abbas, MD for this image of the cruel judge and how it functions in the metapsychology of people.

Managing emotions

Why That Toxic Relationship is Created by the Pain You’re Trying to Avoid (And How to Break Free)

Written by herecounseling

Certain relationships feel like a rerun of old wounds.

Maybe it’s a partner whose constant criticism makes you feel small, just like a judgmental parent did in childhood. Or perhaps their helplessness leaves you frustrated and overburdened, echoing the abandonment from an unreliable caregiver.

These “toxic” relationships aren’t accidents—they’re born from pains being desperately avoided. In fact, they come from specific emotions that you’ve tried to avoid, like anger, sexuality, anxiety, or sadness.

These avoided emotions tend to reemerge in close relationships, acting like a nagging splinter you can’t get out. Why does this happen? In this article you’ll learn the two ways your mind recreates the emotional you’re trying to avoid in your closest relationships and in your mind, and how confronting the pain actually leads to freedom from the cycle.

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

A lot of energy goes into dodging painful experiences. Whether it’s vowing never to explode in anger like a volatile parent or swearing off any hint of dependency after feeling let down as a kid, the goal is clear: avoid that hurt at all costs. But here’s the irony—the more something is run from, the more it shows up, often in the closest relationships. This isn’t just bad luck; it’s rooted in how the mind and emotions work.

Humans are wired to feel the full range of emotions: anger, affection, sadness, confidence, helplessness, and more. Self-regulation—the ability to handle these without getting overwhelmed—depends on integrating them all. Picture the mind as a spacious house. If one room represents a scary emotion, like anxiety or erotic feelings, and it’s boarded up, that room doesn’t shrink away. It expands, demanding attention until the door is opened.

Childhood often sets this up. For instance, an angry parent might lead you to disown anger entirely: “If I express it, I’ll hurt people and get rejected.” Sexuality could feel taboo, especially if it was shamed. Or helplessness might be rejected, particularly for those socialized to always appear strong, like many men. These disowned parts don’t disappear—they get recreated either inside the mind or in external relationships through two mechanisms: introjection and projection.

Break the Cycle—Heal What’s Beneath

Toxic patterns often start with hidden pain. Therapy can help you uncover what’s driving your choices and guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Reach out when you’re ready.

Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

Introjection is one way avoided pain loops back internally. It’s like taking a painful dynamic from someone else and making it part of the self, often as a way to cope or stay connected to that person, even if it’s harmful. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes this as evolving from early “incorporation,” where children essentially swallow aspects of others whole, to more mature forms of identification. In essence, it’s an unconscious defense that internalizes attitudes or behaviors to manage anxiety, but it can turn self-destructive.

Think of it this way: repeated exposures in childhood carve deep tracks in the mind. These become inherited ways of handling emotions, even if they’re unhelpful. Heinz Kohut, a key figure in self psychology, linked such internalizations to building a sense of self, where external supports (like a parent’s validation) get taken in to form inner resilience. But when the internalized part is critical or punishing, it creates an ongoing internal struggle.

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Take the example of a critical dad who always found fault—naysaying ideas, never fully satisfied, unable to share in happiness. As a child, this might make you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. The response? “I’m never going to be like that. I don’t want to experience that pain again, and I won’t inflict it on others.” So, as an adult, distance is created: avoiding that parent, steering clear of critical friends, protecting peace by limiting exposure.

But here’s where introjection kicks in. Even after cutting ties, a template forms in the mind from those years of interaction. While working on a project, applying for a job, or planning something special, an inner voice pipes up: “Why do you have to do that? You can’t get it right. That’s not good enough.” It’s the same criticism, now self-directed. This isn’t random—it’s because those well-worn childhood paths become part of self-regulation, a way to navigate emotions.

Worse, there’s often an attachment to this voice. Deep down, it feels like without that self-criticism, things would fall apart—you’d be a mess, an embarrassment, unworthy. It’s a twisted way of staying connected to the parent, believing their harshness somehow kept you in line. Acknowledging this is hard: realizing that no matter how many people are cut off, the voice remains, and that there’s even some affection for it, like a keepsake. But until it’s faced—as a defense against deeper shame or smallness—the pain recreates itself, turning the inner world into a “bad relationship” with the self.

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

Projection takes the disowned emotion and attributes it to someone else, outsourcing the feeling while still engaging with it indirectly. It’s a defense that keeps the self unaware of its own role, as McWilliams notes: “Projection is the process whereby what is inside is misunderstood as coming from outside.” In healthy forms, it’s the root of empathy—projecting personal experiences to understand others. But when it involves intolerable parts, like hidden hostility or dependency, it breeds misunderstandings and damage.

Melanie Klein, an object relations theorist, saw projection as part of a cycle with introjection, where “good” and “bad” mental representations (objects) get split, pushed out, and pulled back in to ease anxieties. Otto Kernberg built on this, describing how these processes organize early internalizations, often fusing feared elements into ongoing relational patterns.

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

Let’s use helplessness as an illustration. Suppose a parent was perpetually overwhelmed—throwing up hands, unable to handle responsibilities, leaving you to pick up the slack. As a kid, this feels shameful and abandoning: “I never want to be that way; if I am, no one will care for me.” So, vulnerability gets disowned.

In adulthood, helpless moments still arise—we’re human, needing support sometimes. But owning that feels too risky. Instead, projection happens: attributing helplessness to others. Relationships form where you play the savior—doing things unasked, assuming they can’t manage, dismissing their input or wisdom. Suddenly, the partner resembles that unreliable parent, and annoyance builds. You’ve recreated the very dynamic avoided, now externalized.

This extends to other emotions. With anger from a raging parent, tension rises, and it’s assumed the other is furious: “What are you so angry about?” This gaslighting or denial can provoke real anger in them, making you the “calm” one while they embody the disowned part. There’s even subtle attraction—getting close to an angry person lets you vicariously touch that energy without owning it.

Sexuality follows suit: disowned erotic feelings get pinned on a partner—”They’re always coming on to me”—allowing denial while invading their space. Sadness might mean surrounding yourself with melancholic people, avoiding your own grief but feeling burdened by theirs.

In all cases, projection finds “containers” for the forbidden—people who might naturally lean that way, amplified by your behavior. It’s not just selection; it’s creation, turning relationships toxic until the projection is recognized.

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

This recreation can feel profoundly unfair, like an endless hell of repeated suffering. But there’s hope in viewing it existentially: it’s the psyche saying, “Return to the scene of the accident.” These patterns—internal critics or projected dynamics—are invitations to confront what’s avoided, to own the anger, sexuality, anxiety, or helplessness as valid parts of the self that need to be recognized and cared for.

The pain from childhood isn’t your fault—abuse, neglect, or criticism wasn’t chosen. But as adults, it’s a responsibility to address how it lingers, affecting ourselves and others. Disowning keeps the cycle spinning; acknowledging and feeling it fully brings catharsis, a release that’s been needed. Psychotherapy offers a space for this, helping integrate disconnected parts into a coherent whole, fostering relationships that bring life instead of torment.

If a “toxic” relationship feels like a echo of old pain, start by identifying the avoided experience. What emotion represents the deepest hurt? Confront it compassionately, take responsibility for its impact, and watch freedom unfold.

You can confront the pain and experience enormous relief. That’s what our therapists are trained to do. We can help you grow your awareness so you can resolve the pain you’ve experienced, so it stops being recreated in your life. Reach out to us today and schedule a consultation:

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FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships often stem from unresolved childhood pain, like criticism or abandonment, leading to patterns of introjection (internalizing hurts) or projection (attributing them to others). These recreate familiar dynamics until you confront and own the emotions, breaking the cycle through self-awareness and therapy.

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

Patterns arise from disowned emotions—anger, helplessness, or shame—pushed away in childhood. Avoidance recreates them via defense mechanisms like introjection (echoing inner critics) or projection (outsourcing to partners), acting as a call to integrate these parts for healthier bonds.

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

Start by identifying avoided pains and owning them—acknowledge anger or vulnerability without shame. Set boundaries, seek therapy to process childhood wounds, and surround yourself with supportive people. This shifts your energy, drawing in nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones.

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is internalizing others’ traits or dynamics, like adopting a critical parent’s voice as your inner critic. It helps cope with vulnerability but recreates pain internally, turning self-talk toxic until faced and reframed for better self-regulation.

What is projection in relationships?

Projection attributes disowned feelings to others, like seeing helplessness in a partner while denying your own. It builds toxic dynamics by provoking or amplifying the avoided emotion, often subconsciously recreating childhood hurts until owned through reflection and responsibility.

Managing emotions

5 Somatic Therapy Tools for Calming Panic Attacks

Written by Addy Sonneland

Panic attacks can feel overwhelming, sudden, and out of your control. Your heart races, your chest tightens, your breath shortens, and it can feel like something terrible is about to happen—even if there’s no clear danger in front of you. While these intense experiences are deeply disruptive, they are not signs of weakness or brokenness. Your nervous system is fighting to protect you.

In somatic therapy, we understand panic attacks as the body going into survival overdrive. The nervous system is responding to a real or perceived threat, flooding the brain with signals that it’s not safe. But just as the body can be activated into a fight-or-flight response, it can also be gently guided back into a state of regulation and calm.

Let’s explore how somatic practices can support you in moments of panic—offering your nervous system the safety and care it needs to complete the trauma response and come back to balance.

Why Panic Attacks Happen: A Nervous System Perspective

When a panic attack strikes, it’s not just “in your head”—your entire nervous system is activated. This is your body’s ancient survival response kicking in. It prepares you to fight, flee, or freeze in response to perceived danger.

Common physical symptoms of panic include:

Rapid heartbeat
Chest tightness
Racing thoughts
Trembling or shaking
Dizziness or hyperventilation

These reactions are not random—they are survival energy moving through your system. And with the right tools, you can help that energy discharge safely, instead of staying stuck.

You Don’t Have to Manage Panic Alone

If panic attacks are disrupting your life, therapy can help you feel safer in your body again. Reach out today to explore somatic tools that truly support you.

The Somatic Shift: Meet Panic with Compassion, Not Fear

What if, instead of fighting the panic or trying to shut it down, you learned to meet it with presence and care?

When we respond to panic with curiosity, compassion, and somatic tools, we invite the nervous system to complete what it started—to finish the trauma response and return to regulation. This process is at the heart of somatic therapy.

Below are several somatic practices that can soothe the nervous system during a panic attack and help it remember safety.

Somatic Practices for Panic Relief

1. Ice Packs Under the Armpits

Placing ice packs or even cold compresses under your arms can initiate the diving reflex—a powerful response that slows your heart rate and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (your body’s calming system). The diving reflex redirects oxygen-rich blood back toward vital organs like the heart and lungs instead of outer extremities.

This sudden cold exposure also shocks your brain into focusing on a new, non-threatening sensation, which can help interrupt the panic loop.

2. Deep Vocalization (or Shaking)

Making low, resonant sounds like a long sigh, deep hum, groan, or primal yell can activate the vagus nerve, which is a key player in nervous system regulation. These sounds signal to your brain: “I am safe. I am grounded.” Shaking—like literally letting your arms, legs, or whole body tremble—is another natural way to discharge adrenaline and survival energy stored in the body. Somatic trauma expert, Peter Levine, describes this process as re-channeling the survival energy into an active response that returns the body to safety.

3. Chew Gum (or Pretend to Chew)

The brain associates chewing with eating, and we don’t eat when we’re in danger. Chewing activates the rest-and-digest part of the nervous system and signals safety. Even pretending or mimicking chewing can begin to send calming signals to your brain and body. This simple action can help shift you out of a stress response by mimicking a non-threatening behavior. It’s especially helpful in public spaces where more obvious somatic tools might not feel accessible.

4. Wall Pushes for Strength and Stability

Pushing your palms firmly into a wall, with steady pressure, can help anchor you in your body. When pushing against a wall, we engage the fight response– particularly deep core muscles like the psoas, which are strongly linked to the stress response. Pushing sends a signal to your brain that you are strong, capable, and present.

5. Suck on Sour or Spicy Candy

Panic loops tend to keep the brain . A sudden strong sensory input—like a sour lemon candy or spicy flavor—gives your brain something new and intense to focus on, interrupting the cycle. But beyond just being a distraction, sucking itself is a powerful somatic act. From infancy, sucking is one of the first self-soothing mechanisms we develop. It’s rhythmic, repetitive, and deeply regulating. Engaging this reflex as an adult can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, specifically the vagus nerve, helping the body shift from a state of high alert to one of calm and rest. This simple action can reconnect you to a felt sense of comfort and safety—rooted in the earliest ways our bodies learned to self-regulate.

Rewiring the Nervous System Over Time

If panic or anxiety is a regular part of your life, these tools can offer immediate disruption of the pain cycle—but they are not a cure-all. Ongoing panic may be a sign that your nervous system is stuck in survival mode and hasn’t learned how to return to a state of rest and regulation.

This is where somatic therapy can be transformative. Through consistent work with a trained therapist, you can begin to:

Release stored trauma
Complete unfinished survival responses
Rewire your nervous system for safety, peace, and resilience

You Are Not Broken—You’re Wired for Protection

Panic is not a flaw. It’s your body trying to protect you.

And with somatic support, your system can learn that it’s safe to let the alarm settle.

If you’re ready for deeper healing—beyond just managing symptoms—somatic therapy can help you feel safe in your body again.

Interested in working together to support your nervous system healing?
Schedule a free phone consultation to learn more about somatic therapy and how it can help you move from survival to safety.

Learn more about Somatic Therapy with Addy

People-pleasing, boundaries, self-care, toxic boundaries, and self-awareness

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Toxic, Even if You People-Please

Written by herecounseling

In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence

You don’t have to choose between keeping the peace and honoring yourself. Start therapy and learn how to speak up without feeling guilty.

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

Step	Description
1. Social Isolation	Social isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-Pleasing	We suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted Corner	We create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. Suppression	We suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. Projection	We think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude Boundaries	We react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

“I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
“You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
“I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
“This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
“You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
“Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

“I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
“It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
“I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
“Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
“You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
“I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
“It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.

Our Pasadena Therapists

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Managing emotions

Why do I feel lonely and disconnected? Look at your social support

Written by Andrew Wong

If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from others in your life, you’re not alone. The U.S. surgeon general recently declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic affecting people of every age, background, and experience.¹ Whether you have struggled with loneliness for as long as you can remember or have recently become disconnected from important people in your life, there are many ways to improve your connection and enjoyment in relationships.

To improve your sense of connection to others it helps to understand what relationships provide. One of the key ways that relationships benefit us is through social support, or “the degree to which people are accepted by, cared for, and attended to by important others.”² Connection with many people in our lives, from friends and family, to romantic partners, colleagues, and those we worship or live with, promotes our mental and physical wellbeing.

If you are experiencing isolation and loneliness, it is likely that you are also feeling impacts on your emotional and physical health like increased stress, stronger unpleasant emotions, poor sleep and fatigue. As you might guess, reduced social support also makes it harder to pursue important life goals like doing your best in school and growing in your career.

You’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone

If you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, it might be time to rebuild your support system—with help. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore what you need and how to ask for it.

Relationships, and the essential social support they provide, ultimately shape our sense of meaning and purpose in life. Beyond our daily needs for survival, humans are creatures who desire meaning and significance in life. Studies have found strong relationships between one’s quality of relationships and this overall sense of life satisfaction and meaning. This includes people in many different life seasons and professions. For example, those with high-stress careers like healthcare providers as well as teenagers beginning to explore life both have been found to describe their lives as more satisfying when they have supportive relationships.^3,4

The science of social support reveals fascinating insights that help us heal isolation and loneliness. Research shows that two related but distinct aspects of relationships shape our sense of social support. First there is the actual support we receive from others, known as received support. Then there is our perception or awareness of that care and acceptance, often called perceived support.

Research has found that while both aspects of support are essential, our perception of relationships may play a larger role in the mental health benefits of social support.⁵This makes sense because no matter how amazing our friends and family are, if we are not able to receive and appreciate their love and support, we will lose out on the benefits of such support.

Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships

While many of us intuitively know that relationships are essential to building a healthy and meaningful life, we may still struggle to improve relationships and overcome isolation. Here are three common causes of isolation that close us off from social support and three practices that can help us to move closer to our most cherished relationships:

1. We’re distracted and busy

Even though we know relationships are important, the pressures of deadlines and schedules may crowd out time with important others, leaving us alone and disconnected.

Practice slowing down with others. Remember that social support plays an important role in your resilience and ability to do your best in endeavors like work and school. Setting aside time for your relationships is an investment in your long-term wellbeing and reaching your goals. When do you schedule time with family and friends, commit to putting away personal devices. Remember, support means being attended to, cared for, and accepted. It’s hard to give and receive that genuine support from behind a screen.

2. Relationships are complex

No relationship is perfectly satisfying. At times, our most supportive relationships will also be marked by conflict and stress. If we disengage at that point, we will intensify isolation, not overcome it.

Practice gratitude for the complex relationships in your life. By journaling or remembering meaningful experiences with important others, gratitude can deepen our awareness of all the social support that we actually are receiving. While not denying what is challenging about a relationship, try to pay attention to the emotional experience of this gratitude for the relationship. If your friend is too busy to connect this week, can you remember the feeling when they dropped everything to support you? If your partner is stressed out with work, can you remember what it felt like when they encouraged you through a hard time? Because each relationship is complex, made up of satisfying and frustrating aspects, try to lean into gratitude for the gifts of that important person. That gratitude may resource you for the vital work of supporting and investing in that relationship as well.

3. We don’t want to burden people

Despite having loved ones who care for us, we may still hesitate to reach out when we are in need of acceptance, care, and support. We may fear that our needs are unimportant or simply too much. In some sense, we may even believe that we are not worthy of support and love, and actually deserve our loneliness and disconnection.

Practice honesty with the important others in your life. Communicating your needs to loved ones invites them to join with you and provide support in the moment. Because relationships among peers (think friends, partners, siblings, and colleagues) are mutual, it won’t be long before you may be invited to support them too! If you notice yourself stuck in downplaying your own needs, consider how you would respond if a trusted person approached you with fears of being a burden. Can you imagine responding with compassion and understanding? Perhaps that is the very response you will receive as well.

Relationships can also hurt and lead to isolation

While supportive relationships protect our health and enrich our lives, relationships can also be marked by profound pain. Close relationships can even expose us to betrayal, loss, or abuse. In these cases, isolation and loneliness may result from difficult relational experiences. If you are struggling to be present, enjoy, and give yourself in important relationships, it may be that some hurt or relational challenge is blocking the way to healthy and meaningful relationships.

How therapy can help you overcome isolation and strengthen relationships

If you feel stuck in isolation this may be a sign that you would benefit from a supportive therapeutic relationship. Therapy is a space to help you understand what contributes to this pattern of disconnection in your life and relationships. Therapy also provides expert guidance for overcoming these patterns to live a more meaningful life with those you love.

The relationship with a therapist is also a space to experience care, attention, and support while you navigate and strengthen other relationships in your life. This is why it is so important to work with a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. It is important to know that therapy was never meant to replace the vital and supportive relationships of your life. Instead, therapy can serve as a secure and safe home base where you explore your story and experience. Meaningful therapeutic relationships resource you to grow into a better relator, someone who both gives and receives care, acceptance, and support.

You can have closeness and connection

Imagine your life beyond isolation and loneliness. If you built and sustained supportive and loving relationships, how would your life look different? If you are ready to overcome the epidemic of loneliness in your life, strengthening your relationships and ability to be a supportive person to others, contact me today.

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Managing emotions

Perfectionistic? How to Get Rid of Anger, Even If You’ve Tried Before

Written by herecounseling

Imagine you’re powering through another late night at work, pushing yourself harder because that project just isn’t “good enough” yet. Your mind races with thoughts like, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re falling behind—again.” The tension builds, maybe erupting into anger at yourself or snapping at a colleague. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. As a perfectionist or workaholic, you might be trapped in a cycle of self-criticism that feels relentless.

But what if that harsh inner voice isn’t really yours?

In this post, we’ll explore how this voice often stems from a psychological defense called introjection, why it persists, and practical steps to identify and quiet it. Healing starts with understanding—and it can lead to less frustration, reduced burnout, and a life where you don’t have to avoid your deeper emotions.

What Is Your Inner Critic?

For high-achievers like you, the inner critic isn’t just occasional doubt—it’s a constant companion driving perfectionism and workaholism. It shows up as that nagging voice demanding more, criticizing every misstep, and fueling tension that spills into irritability. You might beat yourself up for not meeting impossible standards or lash out at others when things don’t go perfectly.

There’s More Beneath the Anger

If perfectionism has kept you bottling things up, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your anger—and finally start letting go. Reach out when you’re ready.

Common signs of self-criticism:

Constant self-doubt, even after successes (e.g., “That promotion? You just got lucky—don’t mess it up now.”).
Overworking to avoid “failure,” leading to exhaustion and short-tempered reactions.
Quick anger toward yourself or loved ones, masking deeper fatigue.
Physical symptoms like tension headaches or insomnia, all tied to the fear of not being enough.

What Self-Criticism Sounds Like

“Why can’t I ever get this right? I’m such a failure” (when facing a minor setback at work).
“Everyone else is handling this better than me—I’m just not good enough” (during social comparisons).
“I should have known better; how could I be so stupid?” (after making a simple mistake).
“If I don’t push harder, I’ll never succeed, and I’ll disappoint everyone” (fueling workaholism).
“Look at me, messing up again—no wonder no one takes me seriously” (in moments of self-doubt about personal relationships).

This critic keeps you in survival mode, but it’s often more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained defense mechanism known as introjection, and it’s keeping you stuck in anger.

Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck in Anger

That relentless self-criticism isn’t just exhausting—it directly fuels the anger and stress boiling inside you, directed at yourself and spilling over onto others. Picture this: a deadline slips, and instead of grace, you lash out internally with “You’re useless—why can’t you handle this?” This self-directed fury builds resentment, making you snap at colleagues or loved ones over small things, all while the underlying stress festers.

It’s a vicious cycle where the critic amplifies every flaw, turning minor frustrations into explosive anger, leaving you isolated and burned out. The pain is real: it erodes your relationships, heightens anxiety, and keeps you trapped in a loop of self-sabotage, where rest feels impossible because vulnerability means admitting “weakness.”

But here’s why it persists—

This pattern often ties back to a psychological defense called introjection, where we internalize critical voices from our past, like those from parents or authority figures, and make them our own. Think of it as swallowing their judgments whole, turning them into your inner monologue.

Introjection acts like a shield: it distracts from deeper emotions like sadness or overwhelm by redirecting energy into self-blame or overachievement. You might notice this when a small setback spirals into self-attack, keeping true vulnerability at bay.

In essence, introjection functions like this:

It redirects energy into self-blame or overachievement, shielding you from the raw ache of sadness or exhaustion.
It offers a false sense of control— like thinking, “If I just push harder, I can outrun this discomfort.”
Over time, it sustains workaholism as a numbing strategy, but it heightens frustration when life doesn’t align with its rules.

These internalized rules keep you stuck. And yes, it can explain why managing stress and anger feels so elusive.

Why We Cling to the Critic: Staying Connected and Safe

It might sound counterintuitive, but holding onto this critical voice is often a way to maintain attachment to important figures from your past, like mom or dad. If they were demanding or critical—perhaps pushing you to excel at all costs—you might have internalized their voice as a form of loyalty or safety. Rejecting it could feel like losing that connection, even if it was painful.

For instance:

The voice echoes a parent’s high expectations, keeping their “presence” alive in your mind.
It provides a twisted sense of security: “If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me.”
This attachment sidesteps the grief of unmet needs, like the sadness of never feeling truly accepted.

As odd as it seems, this mechanism helped you survive back then. But now, it fuels the very burnout and irritability you’re trying to escape.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like pop psychology nonsense—I’m just hard on myself because I care about doing well,” I get it. Perfectionists often dismiss interpretations like introjection as overly analytical or irrelevant. After all, you’ve built your success on self-discipline, and admitting a “defense mechanism” might feel like an excuse. You might even feel resistant, wondering if this is just another thing to “fix” perfectly.

That’s a normal reaction—your inner critic is probably already piping up, saying it’s all too touchy-feely. But here’s the thing: acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a sign of strength to question the voice that’s been running the show. Many clients start out skeptical, only to discover how liberating it is to see the critic for what it is.

The Power of Identifying Your Inner Critic: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Stress

Here’s the game-changer: Simply identifying this voice as separate from your true self is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to dismantling the cycle of self-criticism, workaholism, and bottled-up frustration. When you recognize introjection at work, you start to see how much of your burnout is an avoidance tactic—pushing away sadness because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel it. Maybe emotions were dismissed or punished, so you learned to armor up with achievement.

At Here Counseling, we’ve seen this realization transform lives. Clients who once raged at minor setbacks or buried themselves in work begin to release that tension. The frustration softens, burnout eases, and they reclaim space for genuine rest and joy. It’s not about erasing the voice overnight but understanding it’s not the whole truth about you.

Step-by-Step: Personifying Your Inner Critic to Set It Free

To make this tangible, one key exercise is to personify the voice—give it a form outside yourself. This helps externalize it, making it easier to challenge and link back to its origins. Here’s how to start:

Visualize It: Close your eyes and imagine the critic as a character. Is it a stern judge, a nagging parent figure, or something abstract like a dark cloud? Note its tone, appearance, and how it makes you feel. This separation shows it’s not “you”—it’s an echo. What is it saying?
Draw or Describe It: Sketch the critic or write a detailed description. Include linked memories—e.g., “This voice sounds like Dad when he said I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Sharing this in therapy amplifies the insight.
Confront It: Once personified, respond kindly: “I hear you over there. Now how do I feel about being spoken to this way? What would actually feel right to me?” Over time, grows our emotional awareness and flexibility, allowing burnout and frustration to fade as you process the underlying emotions.

FAQ on Self-Criticism

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is a defense mechanism where individuals internalize external critical voices, often from childhood, turning them into their own inner critic to avoid deeper emotions like sadness and maintain a sense of attachment or control.

How does self-criticism lead to anger and burnout?

Self-criticism amplifies flaws and redirects vulnerability into self-blame, creating a cycle of resentment that spills into anger toward oneself and others, leading to exhaustion, isolation, and burnout from constant overachievement.

What are signs of an overly critical inner voice?

Signs include constant self-doubt after successes, overworking to avoid failure, quick anger masking fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia tied to fears of inadequacy.

Can I overcome my inner critic on my own?

Yes, start by personifying the voice through visualization, journaling, or drawing to externalize it, then challenge it kindly; however, therapy can accelerate progress by addressing underlying traumas safely.

How does therapy help with self-criticism?

Therapy uncovers introjection’s roots, builds emotional awareness, and teaches tools like somatic practices to replace self-blame with compassion, reducing anger and burnout for more balanced living.

You’ll actually get more done… when you let go of self-criticism

You can finally address your anger, burnout, and frustration. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we do this somatic and relational work to make vulnerability feel safe—leading to less workaholism and more balanced living.

And, to speak to your perfectionistic self: you’ll actually get more done. I promise. From helping many high-achievers like you, the self-critical voice is an albatross you carry with you, impeding what would otherwise be a much more energized, engaged experience of your work and relationships. You can actually do more and better work when you can stop white-knuckling your day and access a more playful emotional self.

Ready to quiet that critic and reclaim your peace? Explore therapy tailored for high-achievers like you. Contact Here Counseling today to schedule a session. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.

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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Why Conflict Feels Like Danger: How to Avoid the 4 Survival Modes in Your Relationships

Written by juliawilson

Conflict with someone you care about leaves you overwhelmed. You shut down and can’t find any words. Or you raise your voice louder than you wanted to. Whatever the reaction, you feel out of control—and afterward, you’re left wondering: what just happened?

It can feel inevitable—like you always hit a point in your relationships where something takes over and you disconnect. This is what happens when your body goes into survival mode.

But you don’t have to stay stuck there.

You can begin to understand what’s happening in your body—and take steps toward a new response. Let’s explore what survival mode looks like, how it impacts your relationships, and how you can begin to change these patterns with compassion and care.

What is Survival Mode?

Imagine this:

Your partner raises their voice, and you immediately shut down. Or a car cuts you off in traffic, and suddenly you’re yelling at your partner in the passenger seat. These are examples of your nervous system activating your survival response.

When we perceive danger—whether physical or emotional—our bodies automatically respond. This is called the acute stress response, or more commonly, survival mode. It’s a built-in, physiological reaction to help us survive a threat. Our sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and epinephrine, leading to responses like a racing heart, hypervigilance, or shutting down completely. (Simply Psychology).

Research has shown that there are four common acute stress or ‘survival mode’ responses when our bodies perceive a threat: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are the nervous system’s way of protecting you—designed to help you avoid danger and return to a sense of safety and calm.

Ready to Break the Cycle of Conflict?

Explore how therapy can help you move past survival mode and into connection. Work with a compassionate Los Angeles therapist who understands trauma and relationships.

4 Most Common Survival Mode Responses:

Let’s take a closer look at what each response can look like—both physically and emotionally.

Fight

This response pushes against the perceived threat. It can feel like:

Clenched jaw or tight muscles
Urge to yell, throw, or hit something
Sudden, intense anger
Feeling knots in your stomach
Mentally attacking the other person (or yourself)

In relationships, it might show up as criticism, yelling, or defensiveness.

Flight

This response tries to escape the danger, physically or emotionally. It can look like:

Restlessness or panic
Leaving the room (or relationship) mid-conflict
Avoiding conversations that feel tense
Feeling trapped, and needing space—now

Freeze

This is the body’s “shut down” mode. It can feel like:

Going blank or dissociating
Inability to speak or respond
Physically freezing in place
Numbness or disconnection from the moment

You might walk away from a conversation and not even remember what was said.

Fawn

This response tries to please the perceived threat in order to avoid danger. It can show up as:

People-pleasing or over-apologizing
Dismissing your own needs to keep the peace
Going along with something you don’t agree with
Feeling anxious to prevent conflict before it starts

Often, this pattern develops when relational conflict historically felt unsafe.

Why Do Conflict Patterns Repeat?

A ‘stressful’ situation for ourselves means that the environmental demands exceed our perceived ability to manage the demands. Our bodies are not great timekeepers. If something today feels like a past threat—even unconsciously—your body may respond as though it’s still in danger. This is part of what makes trauma and early relational wounds so impactful: our nervous system learns what feels dangerous and adapts accordingly.

For instance, if you were bullied on the playground in fourth grade, your body might associate certain tones of voice or group settings with danger. Fast forward to adulthood: your coworker raises their voice, and your body instantly activates the same response—maybe rage, shutdown, or people-pleasing—even though the present situation isn’t truly dangerous.

Our survival response is designed to protect us, automatically activating in the face of perceived danger. However, past experiences can cause this threat response to be triggered in situations that aren’t actually unsafe. When this happens, our bodies react as if we’re under threat—even when we’re not and create misunderstanding and disconnection.

Four ways survival mode impacts conflict in your relationships.

Here are four ways these patterns might play out in your relationships:

Fight: You feel like you can’t control your anger.

Conflict can trigger an intense urge to lash out—verbally or emotionally. Anger, in itself, isn’t bad. It’s often trying to protect a boundary. But when it feels disproportionate or automatic, it might be a survival response from your nervous system.

Flight: You leave.

You might physically leave the room—or emotionally check out. You may even leave relationships quickly at the first sign of tension. It’s not that you don’t care. Your body is trying to protect you from danger.

Freeze: You get stuck.

You can’t find the words. Your mind goes blank. Your body feels numb or disconnected. Later, you might wonder, Why didn’t I say anything? This is your nervous system hitting the pause button to keep you safe.

Fawn: You don’t express your own needs.

To keep the peace, you give in. You prioritize the other person’s comfort, even if it costs you your voice. Your body has learned that being agreeable is safer than being authentic.

When the stress response is activated too often, we experience negative physiological consequences. And as shown above, they can negatively impact our relationships. Because these responses are automatic, it’s easy to feel helpless. You might experience a sense that you just can’t control this! This feeling makes sense. And I want to offer hope – our bodies can relearn.

Three tips for what to do when you go into survival mode.

When our bodies are in long-term states of stress, anything not needed for immediate survival is placed on the back burner. Things like digestion, immune system, and tissue repair are temporarily paused. The goal is to develop awareness of response activation and then bring yourself back to baseline.

These responses are not your fault—and you are not stuck. Your body can relearn new ways of responding. Here are three starting points:

Understand your triggers.

Begin by getting curious. One way to start to understand your triggers is to recognize when your body is in a heightened state. This requires awareness of the physiological state of your body. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

When do I feel out of control of my reactions?
What patterns do I notice in my body during the day?
When did this feeling start? What happened just before?

This is just a list to begin noticing how your body feels throughout the ebbs and flows of each day. After you start noticing activation in your body, start to wonder – when did this start? What might have caused this? By becoming aware of your body’s cues, you can begin to gently trace them back to possible triggers—and offer yourself more understanding and choice.

Come up with a plan.

Now that you’ve started to notice when your body feels heightened and the trigger it might be connected to, we can start to come up with a plan.

It’s okay if your body reacts. What we can grow in is our ability to self-regulate. The goal isn’t to never get activated. It’s to build tools to regulate once you are. Try:

A few deep breaths or grounding exercises
A short walk outside
Calling someone who helps you feel safe
Gentle movement like yoga or stretching
Journaling or naming your emotions out loud

Find support.

Relearning your stress responses takes time. It is best done in connection, not isolation. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or your relationship with a Divine other, healing grows in safe relationships.

Ask yourself:

Who helps me feel grounded?
What would it be like to share what I’m learning?
Where could I get support in this process?

What works may change over time. That’s okay. The most important part is that as your awareness grows, so does your ability to offer your body more possibilities. More safety, more options, more home.

These stress responses tell a story—a story your body is still holding. And while they’ve served a purpose, they don’t have to define your future.

You want to better understanding how survival mode is impacting your relationships.

I’d love to walk with you. You can relearn safety. You can build new patterns. And you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out today.

Julia Wilson, MA

Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

Learn about therapy with Julia

Sources:

EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

How EMDR Helps: Healing Trauma Through the Body

Written by John Allan Whitacre

If you’ve been exploring different types of therapy—especially for healing trauma—you may have come across EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s often described as a technique that helps you “reprocess” difficult memories, especially from past trauma. EMDR isn’t just about changing your memories; it’s a somatic therapy that helps your body release stored tensions.

That’s what makes EMDR a type of somatic therapy—a therapy that works with the body, not just the mind. As a trained EMDR therapist, I have been able to see firsthand how EMDR helps people understand their trauma in a new way and then, through EMDR techniques, learn how to train their bodies to let go of the trauma locked in their mind and body.

What Is Somatic Therapy?

“Somatic” simply means “relating to the body.” Somatic therapy is based on the idea that we carry stress, anxiety, and trauma not just in our thoughts, but also in our bodies.

You might notice this as:

Muscle tension
A tight chest or upset stomach
Fluttering in your chest or trembling
Feeling constantly on edge
Chronic fatigue
Difficulty relaxing, even when things are “fine”

Somatic therapy focuses on bringing attention to these sensations so they can be understood, processed, and released—allowing your nervous system to reset and heal.

How Is EMDR a Somatic Therapy?

EMDR is widely recognized for its use of eye movements, tapping, or sounds. However, the true effectiveness of EMDR lies in its ability to work with your entire system—both mind and body. The primary goal of EMDR is to help desensitize your overly activated nervous system and reintegrate your memory network, leading to more balanced and cohesive responses.

Break Free from Trauma with EMDR

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Here’s how EMDR helps your body heal:

1. It Helps You Tune In to Your Body

In an EMDR session, your therapist might ask questions like: “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “What sensations are you noticing right now?” These check-ins aren’t just small talk—they’re invitations to notice how your body is reacting, which is often where trauma still lives.

2. It Uses Gentle, Rhythmic Stimulation

The back-and-forth movement in EMDR (called bilateral stimulation) doesn’t just help with memory processing—it can also calm your nervous system, similar to how rhythmic movement soothes a crying baby. Many people describe feeling more grounded, relaxed, or “unstuck” during or after EMDR.

3. It Works With How Trauma Is Stored

Trauma doesn’t just get “remembered”—it gets stored in your body. That’s why sometimes, even when you logically know you’re safe, your body might still feel panicked, frozen, or on edge. EMDR helps unlock and move through those stuck responses, so your body can finally exhale.

4. It Can Release Built-Up Physical Tension

As you process during EMDR, it’s common to experience physical shifts: a deep breath, a sudden yawn, a shiver, or tears. These are signs that your body is releasing stored energy and stress—a very good thing. It’s part of how healing happens.

Healing Isn’t Just in Your Head

If you’ve tried talk therapy before and felt like something was still missing—EMDR might be the missing piece. Because it doesn’t just help you understand your pain, it helps your body let go of it.

You don’t have to force anything. It’s gentle, structured, and honors your pace. Most importantly, it helps you heal not just in your thoughts, but in your nervous system, your body, and your sense of safety in the world.

JOHN ALLAN WHITACRE, AMFT

EMDR Therapy in Pasadena

Learn about therapy with John Allan

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

People Pleasing? How to Make Your Own Decisions When It Causes Conflict

Written by juliawilson

Sometimes, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. It’s easy, instead, to wonder about the rippling effects your choice will have on others. You lie awake at night with racing thoughts, you do a bunch of research, you might even ask ChatGPT, but you wish you could make decisions painlessly. This can leave us wondering what to do when others express an opinion about our lives. You feel out of control, and like whatever you decide is a lose-lose. This feeling is normal, and it’s telling us something.

The real problem is not that you can’t decide; it’s that obstacles are getting in the way. Making a decision is about listening to yourself and trusting your communication with others. When done well, it doesn’t involve exorbitant effort. Decision-making can look painless. Let us explore obstacles to decision-making and then ideas for making your own decisions so that you can find peace today.

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Three obstacles to making your own decisions

We all make hundreds of decisions every day. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck with a certain decision. Something is interfering with your intuition. Here are 3 categories for the obstacles that are blocking you from making the decision:

1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.

It’s a terrible feeling to disappoint someone you care about. Behind this feeling is a fear that people will leave. You feel that you cannot make this decision without losing people you care about. When we are scared, people will abandon us, decisions become paralyzing.

2. You fear disappointing yourself.

What if you make a decision and it turns out horribly? You’ve probably thought of this, of course. Your mind might run on all the terrible ways this thing could turn out. It feels as if you make the ‘wrong’ decision, you will not only have failed at this specific thing, but you will prove to yourself that you are a failure. This feeling is shame. When we feel the pressure of shame rise, it interferes with our ability to make a decision.

3. You’re checked out.

You’re worried you’ll make a decision, and things won’t work out again. You’ll put yourself out there, and you’ll be disappointed, so you don’t decide. Instead, you tell yourself you don’t care. You’re left feeling disconnected from yourself and what you really want. When we are unable to name and claim our desires, making a decision is difficult.

Three ideas for how to make your own decisions

You want to be more confident in your decision-making process because the process you’re using right now just isn’t working. Here are a few ideas to help you think through your own process for making difficult decisions when they cause you conflict:

1. Connect to yourself

We make decisions from the people that we are. This means that our decisions are deeply connected to our values and desires. Sometimes we are consciously aware of our values and desires, but other times they operate unconsciously. This means that we need to ground ourselves in order to be more connected to those values and desires. It might feel silly, but I believe some of these practices, practices that help you connect with yourself, can play a helpful role in making a decision.

What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:

Mindfulness
Journaling
Making art
Listening to or playing music
Gathering around a meal with loved ones
Walking or other forms of exercise
Planting a garden

As you engage with practices that connect you to yourself, notice how you are feeling and what you want. If you experience barriers to connecting with yourself, what are they? How might you acknowledge them without judgment and remove them?

2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it

Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:

Panic
Fear
Self-doubt
Anxiety
Excitement
Dread

These emotions might impact our sleep. You might feel like you have a shorter fuse. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common. In fact, they are very normal. What’s important is that you learn to practice an acceptance of these feelings.

Often, when this flood of emotions comes, we feel a push and pull of excitement and dread. Ambivalence is like you are at a crossroads, and both paths have wildflowers and weeds. Ambivalence is often heightened when a decision you are making causes conflict.

If you are conflict-avoidant, the mere possibility of conflict may sway you towards a certain side of the decision. If the type of conflict the outcome of this decision might cause seems particularly stressful, the anticipation of these feelings is likely impacting your experience of making the decision.

What you can do:

In all of our decision-making processes, whether or not we acknowledge them, we experience certain feelings throughout. One way to ensure that we both honor our feelings and help them guide us healthily is through the acknowledgement and acceptance of these feelings. As you reflect honestly on what ambivalent emotions you may be feeling, pretend that each feeling is a signal. What might it be signaling you towards? For example, if one of the feelings that comes up is fear, specifically fear of a loved one’s response, the signal might be to create a plan for how to communicate either the fear or the decision outcome to that person.

You might dread telling people your decision, and creating conflict feels like the last thing you want to do. But here’s why it’s important and how you can do it.

Plan out how you are going to boundary your conversation. These boundaries involve time – how much time are you willing to have a conversation for? These boundaries also involve what you are going to communicate. How much information are you going to share? Do you want to let them into your decision-making process or simply tell them the outcome? You get to choose the medium of communication. In a professional relationship, does this require an email or a phone call? What about a more personal relationship? Do you want to communicate this in person or over FaceTime?

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Quick Conversation Tips to Consider:

Before the conversation, check in with your emotional readiness—are you regulated enough to hold your ground without engaging in old patterns?
Remind yourself how you arrived at this decision and the hard work you put into it. Tell yourself that you worked hard and can trust yourself.
Think about what you might need after the conversation. Do you need time to decompress? A walk? Support from someone else? Planning for post-conversation care can help you recover and reset.

It’s okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. If you’re feeling scared to share your decision with people you care about, you’re not alone. I help people just like you. We can help you learn how to navigate the intense emotions that come with decisions that cause conflict. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.

Learn about Therapy with Julia

Sources: Psychology Today Staff. (2025). Decision-making. Decision-Making. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/decision-making.

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Addiction Impacting your Relationship? How to Talk with Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Written by herecounseling

Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:

Why does my partner behave this way?
How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
Am I to blame for their addiction?
How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?

How Addiction Impacts Couples

The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.

Don’t Let Addiction Break Your Bond

Couples therapy can help you rebuild trust, improve communication, and heal together—take the first step today.

Pornography Addiction

Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.

“I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
“He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”

These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.

Gambling Addiction

Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.

“We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
“He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”

These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.

Alcohol Addiction

Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.

“When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
“He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”

These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.

Addiction and Accommodation

In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.

For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.

For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.

For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.

How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?

According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.

In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.

For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.

Answering Key Questions

For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:

1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?

Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.

2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?

The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:

Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”

3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?

No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.

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4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?

Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:

Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.

Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.

Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.

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Managing emotions

Self-Criticism or Healthy Standards?

Healthy Standards: Hope for the Future

Self-Criticism: Trapped and Powerless

Being Your Own Worst Critic Leads to Suffering

Depression

Generalized and Social Anxiety

Control and Escape

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

Protecting Loved Ones By Taking the Blame

Fitting In and Meeting Expectations

Controlling Uncontrollable Situations

Self-Criticism Came From Somewhere, It’s Time to Heal It

Self-Compassion Heals Self-Criticism

Take a Long-Term Perspective

Speak to Yourself Compassionately

Imagine Your Younger Self

Therapy for Self-Criticism

FAQ: Healing Self-Criticism

What is self-criticism?

How does self-criticism differ from healthy standards?

What are the effects of self-criticism on mental health?

Where does self-criticism come from?

How can I heal self-criticism?

What is self-compassion and how does it help with self-criticism?

What exercises can help practice self-compassion?

When should I seek therapy for self-criticism?

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

Break the Cycle—Heal What’s Beneath

Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

What is introjection in psychology?

What is projection in relationships?

Why Panic Attacks Happen: A Nervous System Perspective

You Don’t Have to Manage Panic Alone

The Somatic Shift: Meet Panic with Compassion, Not Fear

Somatic Practices for Panic Relief

1. Ice Packs Under the Armpits

2. Deep Vocalization (or Shaking)

3. Chew Gum (or Pretend to Chew)

4. Wall Pushes for Strength and Stability

5. Suck on Sour or Spicy Candy

Rewiring the Nervous System Over Time

You Are Not Broken—You’re Wired for Protection

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence

Boundary Obsession Comes From Social Anxiety

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

To summarize this progression:

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Social support comes from strong relationships

You’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone

Social support gives a sense of meaning

How does social support work?

Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships

1. We’re distracted and busy

2. Relationships are complex

3. We don’t want to burden people