Perfectionism self-criticism and anger
Managing emotions

Perfectionistic? How to Get Rid of Anger, Even If You’ve Tried Before

Written by herecounseling

Imagine you’re powering through another late night at work, pushing yourself harder because that project just isn’t “good enough” yet. Your mind races with thoughts like, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re falling behind—again.” The tension builds, maybe erupting into anger at yourself or snapping at a colleague. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. As a perfectionist or workaholic, you might be trapped in a cycle of self-criticism that feels relentless.

But what if that harsh inner voice isn’t really yours?

In this post, we’ll explore how this voice often stems from a psychological defense called introjection, why it persists, and practical steps to identify and quiet it. Healing starts with understanding—and it can lead to less frustration, reduced burnout, and a life where you don’t have to avoid your deeper emotions.

What Is Your Inner Critic?

For high-achievers like you, the inner critic isn’t just occasional doubt—it’s a constant companion driving perfectionism and workaholism. It shows up as that nagging voice demanding more, criticizing every misstep, and fueling tension that spills into irritability. You might beat yourself up for not meeting impossible standards or lash out at others when things don’t go perfectly.

There’s More Beneath the Anger

If perfectionism has kept you bottling things up, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your anger—and finally start letting go. Reach out when you’re ready.

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Common signs of self-criticism:

  • Constant self-doubt, even after successes (e.g., “That promotion? You just got lucky—don’t mess it up now.”).
  • Overworking to avoid “failure,” leading to exhaustion and short-tempered reactions.
  • Quick anger toward yourself or loved ones, masking deeper fatigue.
  • Physical symptoms like tension headaches or insomnia, all tied to the fear of not being enough.

What Self-Criticism Sounds Like

  • “Why can’t I ever get this right? I’m such a failure” (when facing a minor setback at work).
  • “Everyone else is handling this better than me—I’m just not good enough” (during social comparisons).
  • “I should have known better; how could I be so stupid?” (after making a simple mistake).
  • “If I don’t push harder, I’ll never succeed, and I’ll disappoint everyone” (fueling workaholism).
  • “Look at me, messing up again—no wonder no one takes me seriously” (in moments of self-doubt about personal relationships).

This critic keeps you in survival mode, but it’s often more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained defense mechanism known as introjection, and it’s keeping you stuck in anger.

Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck in Anger

That relentless self-criticism isn’t just exhausting—it directly fuels the anger and stress boiling inside you, directed at yourself and spilling over onto others. Picture this: a deadline slips, and instead of grace, you lash out internally with “You’re useless—why can’t you handle this?” This self-directed fury builds resentment, making you snap at colleagues or loved ones over small things, all while the underlying stress festers.

It’s a vicious cycle where the critic amplifies every flaw, turning minor frustrations into explosive anger, leaving you isolated and burned out. The pain is real: it erodes your relationships, heightens anxiety, and keeps you trapped in a loop of self-sabotage, where rest feels impossible because vulnerability means admitting “weakness.”

But here’s why it persists—

This pattern often ties back to a psychological defense called introjection, where we internalize critical voices from our past, like those from parents or authority figures, and make them our own. Think of it as swallowing their judgments whole, turning them into your inner monologue.

Introjection acts like a shield: it distracts from deeper emotions like sadness or overwhelm by redirecting energy into self-blame or overachievement. You might notice this when a small setback spirals into self-attack, keeping true vulnerability at bay.

In essence, introjection functions like this:

  • It redirects energy into self-blame or overachievement, shielding you from the raw ache of sadness or exhaustion.
  • It offers a false sense of control— like thinking, “If I just push harder, I can outrun this discomfort.”
  • Over time, it sustains workaholism as a numbing strategy, but it heightens frustration when life doesn’t align with its rules.

These internalized rules keep you stuck. And yes, it can explain why managing stress and anger feels so elusive.

Why We Cling to the Critic: Staying Connected and Safe

It might sound counterintuitive, but holding onto this critical voice is often a way to maintain attachment to important figures from your past, like mom or dad. If they were demanding or critical—perhaps pushing you to excel at all costs—you might have internalized their voice as a form of loyalty or safety. Rejecting it could feel like losing that connection, even if it was painful.

For instance:

  • The voice echoes a parent’s high expectations, keeping their “presence” alive in your mind.
  • It provides a twisted sense of security: “If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me.”
  • This attachment sidesteps the grief of unmet needs, like the sadness of never feeling truly accepted.

As odd as it seems, this mechanism helped you survive back then. But now, it fuels the very burnout and irritability you’re trying to escape.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like pop psychology nonsense—I’m just hard on myself because I care about doing well,” I get it. Perfectionists often dismiss interpretations like introjection as overly analytical or irrelevant. After all, you’ve built your success on self-discipline, and admitting a “defense mechanism” might feel like an excuse. You might even feel resistant, wondering if this is just another thing to “fix” perfectly.

That’s a normal reaction—your inner critic is probably already piping up, saying it’s all too touchy-feely. But here’s the thing: acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a sign of strength to question the voice that’s been running the show. Many clients start out skeptical, only to discover how liberating it is to see the critic for what it is.

The Power of Identifying Your Inner Critic: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Stress

Here’s the game-changer: Simply identifying this voice as separate from your true self is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to dismantling the cycle of self-criticism, workaholism, and bottled-up frustration. When you recognize introjection at work, you start to see how much of your burnout is an avoidance tactic—pushing away sadness because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel it. Maybe emotions were dismissed or punished, so you learned to armor up with achievement.

At Here Counseling, we’ve seen this realization transform lives. Clients who once raged at minor setbacks or buried themselves in work begin to release that tension. The frustration softens, burnout eases, and they reclaim space for genuine rest and joy. It’s not about erasing the voice overnight but understanding it’s not the whole truth about you.

Step-by-Step: Personifying Your Inner Critic to Set It Free

To make this tangible, one key exercise is to personify the voice—give it a form outside yourself. This helps externalize it, making it easier to challenge and link back to its origins. Here’s how to start:

  1. Visualize It: Close your eyes and imagine the critic as a character. Is it a stern judge, a nagging parent figure, or something abstract like a dark cloud? Note its tone, appearance, and how it makes you feel. This separation shows it’s not “you”—it’s an echo. What is it saying?
  2. Draw or Describe It: Sketch the critic or write a detailed description. Include linked memories—e.g., “This voice sounds like Dad when he said I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Sharing this in therapy amplifies the insight.
  3. Confront It: Once personified, respond kindly: “I hear you over there. Now how do I feel about being spoken to this way? What would actually feel right to me?” Over time, grows our emotional awareness and flexibility, allowing burnout and frustration to fade as you process the underlying emotions.

FAQ on Self-Criticism

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is a defense mechanism where individuals internalize external critical voices, often from childhood, turning them into their own inner critic to avoid deeper emotions like sadness and maintain a sense of attachment or control.

How does self-criticism lead to anger and burnout?

Self-criticism amplifies flaws and redirects vulnerability into self-blame, creating a cycle of resentment that spills into anger toward oneself and others, leading to exhaustion, isolation, and burnout from constant overachievement.

What are signs of an overly critical inner voice?

Signs include constant self-doubt after successes, overworking to avoid failure, quick anger masking fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia tied to fears of inadequacy.

Can I overcome my inner critic on my own?

Yes, start by personifying the voice through visualization, journaling, or drawing to externalize it, then challenge it kindly; however, therapy can accelerate progress by addressing underlying traumas safely.

How does therapy help with self-criticism?

Therapy uncovers introjection’s roots, builds emotional awareness, and teaches tools like somatic practices to replace self-blame with compassion, reducing anger and burnout for more balanced living.

You’ll actually get more done… when you let go of self-criticism

You can finally address your anger, burnout, and frustration. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we do this somatic and relational work to make vulnerability feel safe—leading to less workaholism and more balanced living.

And, to speak to your perfectionistic self: you’ll actually get more done. I promise. From helping many high-achievers like you, the self-critical voice is an albatross you carry with you, impeding what would otherwise be a much more energized, engaged experience of your work and relationships. You can actually do more and better work when you can stop white-knuckling your day and access a more playful emotional self.

Ready to quiet that critic and reclaim your peace? Explore therapy tailored for high-achievers like you. Contact Here Counseling today to schedule a session. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.

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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Why Conflict Feels Like Danger: How to Avoid the 4 Survival Modes in Your Relationships

Written by juliawilson

Conflict with someone you care about leaves you overwhelmed. You shut down and can’t find any words. Or you raise your voice louder than you wanted to. Whatever the reaction, you feel out of control—and afterward, you’re left wondering: what just happened? 

It can feel inevitable—like you always hit a point in your relationships where something takes over and you disconnect. This is what happens when your body goes into survival mode.

But you don’t have to stay stuck there.

You can begin to understand what’s happening in your body—and take steps toward a new response. Let’s explore what survival mode looks like, how it impacts your relationships, and how you can begin to change these patterns with compassion and care.

What is Survival Mode?

Imagine this:

Your partner raises their voice, and you immediately shut down. Or a car cuts you off in traffic, and suddenly you’re yelling at your partner in the passenger seat. These are examples of your nervous system activating your survival response.

When we perceive danger—whether physical or emotional—our bodies automatically respond. This is called the acute stress response, or more commonly, survival mode. It’s a built-in, physiological reaction to help us survive a threat. Our sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and epinephrine, leading to responses like a racing heart, hypervigilance, or shutting down completely. (Simply Psychology). 

Research has shown that there are four common acute stress or ‘survival mode’ responses when our bodies perceive a threat: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are the nervous system’s way of protecting you—designed to help you avoid danger and return to a sense of safety and calm. 

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4 Most Common Survival Mode Responses: 

Let’s take a closer look at what each response can look like—both physically and emotionally.

Fight

This response pushes against the perceived threat. It can feel like:

  • Clenched jaw or tight muscles
  • Urge to yell, throw, or hit something
  • Sudden, intense anger
  • Feeling knots in your stomach
  • Mentally attacking the other person (or yourself)

In relationships, it might show up as criticism, yelling, or defensiveness.

Flight

This response tries to escape the danger, physically or emotionally. It can look like:

  • Restlessness or panic
  • Leaving the room (or relationship) mid-conflict
  • Avoiding conversations that feel tense
  • Feeling trapped, and needing space—now

Freeze

This is the body’s “shut down” mode. It can feel like:

  • Going blank or dissociating
  • Inability to speak or respond
  • Physically freezing in place
  • Numbness or disconnection from the moment

You might walk away from a conversation and not even remember what was said.

Fawn

This response tries to please the perceived threat in order to avoid danger. It can show up as:

  • People-pleasing or over-apologizing
  • Dismissing your own needs to keep the peace
  • Going along with something you don’t agree with
  • Feeling anxious to prevent conflict before it starts

Often, this pattern develops when relational conflict historically felt unsafe.

Why Do Conflict Patterns Repeat?

A ‘stressful’ situation for ourselves means that the environmental demands exceed our perceived ability to manage the demands. Our bodies are not great timekeepers. If something today feels like a past threat—even unconsciously—your body may respond as though it’s still in danger. This is part of what makes trauma and early relational wounds so impactful: our nervous system learns what feels dangerous and adapts accordingly.

For instance, if you were bullied on the playground in fourth grade, your body might associate certain tones of voice or group settings with danger. Fast forward to adulthood: your coworker raises their voice, and your body instantly activates the same response—maybe rage, shutdown, or people-pleasing—even though the present situation isn’t truly dangerous.

Our survival response is designed to protect us, automatically activating in the face of perceived danger. However, past experiences can cause this threat response to be triggered in situations that aren’t actually unsafe. When this happens, our bodies react as if we’re under threat—even when we’re not and create misunderstanding and disconnection.

Four ways survival mode impacts conflict in your relationships.

Here are four ways these patterns might play out in your relationships:

Fight: You feel like you can’t control your anger.

Conflict can trigger an intense urge to lash out—verbally or emotionally. Anger, in itself, isn’t bad. It’s often trying to protect a boundary. But when it feels disproportionate or automatic, it might be a survival response from your nervous system.

Flight: You leave.

You might physically leave the room—or emotionally check out. You may even leave relationships quickly at the first sign of tension. It’s not that you don’t care. Your body is trying to protect you from danger.

Freeze: You get stuck.

You can’t find the words. Your mind goes blank. Your body feels numb or disconnected. Later, you might wonder, Why didn’t I say anything? This is your nervous system hitting the pause button to keep you safe.

Fawn: You don’t express your own needs.

To keep the peace, you give in. You prioritize the other person’s comfort, even if it costs you your voice. Your body has learned that being agreeable is safer than being authentic.

When the stress response is activated too often, we experience negative physiological consequences. And as shown above, they can negatively impact our relationships. Because these responses are automatic, it’s easy to feel helpless. You might experience a sense that you just can’t control this! This feeling makes sense. And I want to offer hope – our bodies can relearn. 

Three tips for what to do when you go into survival mode.

When our bodies are in long-term states of stress, anything not needed for immediate survival is placed on the back burner. Things like digestion, immune system, and tissue repair are temporarily paused. The goal is to develop awareness of response activation and then bring yourself back to baseline. 

These responses are not your fault—and you are not stuck. Your body can relearn new ways of responding. Here are three starting points:

Understand your triggers.

Begin by getting curious. One way to start to understand your triggers is to recognize when your body is in a heightened state. This requires awareness of the physiological state of your body. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • When do I feel out of control of my reactions?
  • What patterns do I notice in my body during the day?
  • When did this feeling start? What happened just before?

This is just a list to begin noticing how your body feels throughout the ebbs and flows of each day. After you start noticing activation in your body, start to wonder – when did this start? What might have caused this? By becoming aware of your body’s cues, you can begin to gently trace them back to possible triggers—and offer yourself more understanding and choice.

Come up with a plan. 

Now that you’ve started to notice when your body feels heightened and the trigger it might be connected to, we can start to come up with a plan. 

It’s okay if your body reacts. What we can grow in is our ability to self-regulate. The goal isn’t to never get activated. It’s to build tools to regulate once you are. Try:

  • A few deep breaths or grounding exercises
  • A short walk outside
  • Calling someone who helps you feel safe
  • Gentle movement like yoga or stretching
  • Journaling or naming your emotions out loud

Find support.

Relearning your stress responses takes time. It is best done in connection, not isolation. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or your relationship with a Divine other, healing grows in safe relationships.

Ask yourself:

  • Who helps me feel grounded?
  • What would it be like to share what I’m learning?
  • Where could I get support in this process?

What works may change over time. That’s okay. The most important part is that as your awareness grows, so does your ability to offer your body more possibilities. More safety, more options, more home.

These stress responses tell a story—a story your body is still holding. And while they’ve served a purpose, they don’t have to define your future.

You want to better understanding how survival mode is impacting your relationships.

I’d love to walk with you. You can relearn safety. You can build new patterns. And you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out today. 

Trauma therapy in Pasadena with Julia Wilson, MA

Julia Wilson, MA

Trauma Therapy in Pasadena
Learn about therapy with Julia

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EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

How EMDR Helps: Healing Trauma Through the Body

Written by John Allan Whitacre

If you’ve been exploring different types of therapy—especially for healing trauma—you may have come across EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s often described as a technique that helps you “reprocess” difficult memories, especially from past trauma. EMDR isn’t just about changing your memories; it’s a somatic therapy that helps your body release stored tensions.

That’s what makes EMDR a type of somatic therapy—a therapy that works with the body, not just the mind. As a trained EMDR therapist, I have been able to see firsthand how EMDR helps people understand their trauma in a new way and then, through EMDR techniques, learn how to train their bodies to let go of the trauma locked in their mind and body.

What Is Somatic Therapy?

“Somatic” simply means “relating to the body.” Somatic therapy is based on the idea that we carry stress, anxiety, and trauma not just in our thoughts, but also in our bodies. 

You might notice this as:

  • Muscle tension
  • A tight chest or upset stomach
  • Fluttering in your chest or trembling 
  • Feeling constantly on edge
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Difficulty relaxing, even when things are “fine”

Somatic therapy focuses on bringing attention to these sensations so they can be understood, processed, and released—allowing your nervous system to reset and heal.

How Is EMDR a Somatic Therapy?

EMDR is widely recognized for its use of eye movements, tapping, or sounds. However, the true effectiveness of EMDR lies in its ability to work with your entire system—both mind and body. The primary goal of EMDR is to help desensitize your overly activated nervous system and reintegrate your memory network, leading to more balanced and cohesive responses.

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Here’s how EMDR helps your body heal:

1. It Helps You Tune In to Your Body

In an EMDR session, your therapist might ask questions like: “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “What sensations are you noticing right now?” These check-ins aren’t just small talk—they’re invitations to notice how your body is reacting, which is often where trauma still lives.

2. It Uses Gentle, Rhythmic Stimulation

The back-and-forth movement in EMDR (called bilateral stimulation) doesn’t just help with memory processing—it can also calm your nervous system, similar to how rhythmic movement soothes a crying baby. Many people describe feeling more grounded, relaxed, or “unstuck” during or after EMDR.

3. It Works With How Trauma Is Stored

Trauma doesn’t just get “remembered”—it gets stored in your body. That’s why sometimes, even when you logically know you’re safe, your body might still feel panicked, frozen, or on edge. EMDR helps unlock and move through those stuck responses, so your body can finally exhale.

4. It Can Release Built-Up Physical Tension

As you process during EMDR, it’s common to experience physical shifts: a deep breath, a sudden yawn, a shiver, or tears. These are signs that your body is releasing stored energy and stress—a very good thing. It’s part of how healing happens.

Healing Isn’t Just in Your Head

If you’ve tried talk therapy before and felt like something was still missing—EMDR might be the missing piece. Because it doesn’t just help you understand your pain, it helps your body let go of it.

You don’t have to force anything. It’s gentle, structured, and honors your pace. Most importantly, it helps you heal not just in your thoughts, but in your nervous system, your body, and your sense of safety in the world.

Couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

JOHN ALLAN WHITACRE, AMFT

EMDR Therapy in Pasadena
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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

People Pleasing? How to Make Your Own Decisions When It Causes Conflict

Written by juliawilson

Sometimes, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. It’s easy, instead, to wonder about the rippling effects your choice will have on others. You lie awake at night with racing thoughts, you do a bunch of research, you might even ask ChatGPT, but you wish you could make decisions painlessly. This can leave us wondering what to do when others express an opinion about our lives. You feel out of control, and like whatever you decide is a lose-lose. This feeling is normal, and it’s telling us something. 

The real problem is not that you can’t decide; it’s that obstacles are getting in the way. Making a decision is about listening to yourself and trusting your communication with others. When done well, it doesn’t involve exorbitant effort. Decision-making can look painless. Let us explore obstacles to decision-making and then ideas for making your own decisions so that you can find peace today. 

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Three obstacles to making your own decisions

We all make hundreds of decisions every day. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck with a certain decision. Something is interfering with your intuition. Here are 3 categories for the obstacles that are blocking you from making the decision: 

1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.

It’s a terrible feeling to disappoint someone you care about. Behind this feeling is a fear that people will leave. You feel that you cannot make this decision without losing people you care about. When we are scared, people will abandon us, decisions become paralyzing. 

2. You fear disappointing yourself.

What if you make a decision and it turns out horribly? You’ve probably thought of this, of course. Your mind might run on all the terrible ways this thing could turn out. It feels as if you make the ‘wrong’ decision, you will not only have failed at this specific thing, but you will prove to yourself that you are a failure. This feeling is shame. When we feel the pressure of shame rise, it interferes with our ability to make a decision. 

3. You’re checked out.

You’re worried you’ll make a decision, and things won’t work out again. You’ll put yourself out there, and you’ll be disappointed, so you don’t decide. Instead, you tell yourself you don’t care. You’re left feeling disconnected from yourself and what you really want. When we are unable to name and claim our desires, making a decision is difficult. 

Three ideas for how to make your own decisions

You want to be more confident in your decision-making process because the process you’re using right now just isn’t working. Here are a few ideas to help you think through your own process for making difficult decisions when they cause you conflict:

1. Connect to yourself

We make decisions from the people that we are. This means that our decisions are deeply connected to our values and desires. Sometimes we are consciously aware of our values and desires, but other times they operate unconsciously. This means that we need to ground ourselves in order to be more connected to those values and desires. It might feel silly, but I believe some of these practices, practices that help you connect with yourself, can play a helpful role in making a decision. 

What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:

  • Mindfulness
  • Journaling
  • Making art
  • Listening to or playing music 
  • Gathering around a meal with loved ones
  • Walking or other forms of exercise
  • Planting a garden

As you engage with practices that connect you to yourself, notice how you are feeling and what you want. If you experience barriers to connecting with yourself, what are they? How might you acknowledge them without judgment and remove them? 

2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it

Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:

  • Panic
  • Fear
  • Self-doubt
  • Anxiety 
  • Excitement
  • Dread

These emotions might impact our sleep. You might feel like you have a shorter fuse. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common. In fact, they are very normal. What’s important is that you learn to practice an acceptance of these feelings. 

Often, when this flood of emotions comes, we feel a push and pull of excitement and dread. Ambivalence is like you are at a crossroads, and both paths have wildflowers and weeds. Ambivalence is often heightened when a decision you are making causes conflict. 

If you are conflict-avoidant, the mere possibility of conflict may sway you towards a certain side of the decision. If the type of conflict the outcome of this decision might cause seems particularly stressful, the anticipation of these feelings is likely impacting your experience of making the decision. 

What you can do:

In all of our decision-making processes, whether or not we acknowledge them, we experience certain feelings throughout. One way to ensure that we both honor our feelings and help them guide us healthily is through the acknowledgement and acceptance of these feelings. As you reflect honestly on what ambivalent emotions you may be feeling, pretend that each feeling is a signal. What might it be signaling you towards? For example, if one of the feelings that comes up is fear, specifically fear of a loved one’s response, the signal might be to create a plan for how to communicate either the fear or the decision outcome to that person.

3. Plan how you will share your decision within difficult relationships

You might dread telling people your decision, and creating conflict feels like the last thing you want to do. But here’s why it’s important and how you can do it. 

Plan out how you are going to boundary your conversation. These boundaries involve time – how much time are you willing to have a conversation for? These boundaries also involve what you are going to communicate. How much information are you going to share? Do you want to let them into your decision-making process or simply tell them the outcome? You get to choose the medium of communication. In a professional relationship, does this require an email or a phone call? What about a more personal relationship? Do you want to communicate this in person or over FaceTime? 

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Quick Conversation Tips to Consider:

  • Before the conversation, check in with your emotional readiness—are you regulated enough to hold your ground without engaging in old patterns? 
  • Remind yourself how you arrived at this decision and the hard work you put into it. Tell yourself that you worked hard and can trust yourself. 
  • Think about what you might need after the conversation. Do you need time to decompress? A walk? Support from someone else? Planning for post-conversation care can help you recover and reset.

It’s okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. If you’re feeling scared to share your decision with people you care about, you’re not alone. I help people just like you. We can help you learn how to navigate the intense emotions that come with decisions that cause conflict. Click below and schedule a free consultation today. 

Julia Wilson, Trauma Therapy in Pasadena
Learn about Therapy with Julia

Sources: Psychology Today Staff. (2025). Decision-making. Decision-Making. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/decision-making. 

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Pasadena couples therapy
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Addiction Impacting your Relationship? How to Talk with Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Written by herecounseling

Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:

  • Why does my partner behave this way?
  • How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
  • Am I to blame for their addiction?
  • How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?

How Addiction Impacts Couples

The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.

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Pornography Addiction

Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.

  • “I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
  • “He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”

These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.

Gambling Addiction

Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.

  • “We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
  • “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”

These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.

Alcohol Addiction

Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.

  • “When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
  • “He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”

These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.

Addiction and Accommodation

In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.

For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.

For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.

For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.

How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?

According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.

In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.

For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.

Answering Key Questions

For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:

1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?

Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.

2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?

The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:

  • Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
  • Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
  • Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
  • Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
  • Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”

3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?

No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.

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4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?

Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:

  • Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
  • Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
  • Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
  • Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
  • Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.

Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.

Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.

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Trauma therapy in Pasadena
Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions

How Does Trauma Change my Brain? Discover How Your Brain is Built to Heal

Written by herecounseling

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on your life—maybe you’re on edge all the time, or it’s hard to feel like yourself. You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Trauma changes how your brain works, but here’s the good news: your brain can heal. This blog is for anyone thinking about starting trauma therapy. We’ll answer common questions you might have about what trauma does to your brain, why it feels so overwhelming, and how therapy can help you take back control.

Questions about how trauma impacts your brain:

  1. Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?
  2. Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?
  3. Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?
  4. How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?
  5. Can my brain really heal from trauma?
  6. How can therapy help my brain process trauma?
  7. How does trauma affect my focus, relationships, or health?

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Q1: Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?

Our brains are shaped by our experiences, especially emotional and social ones. The prefrontal cortex, a key part of your brain, helps you feel safe and navigate relationships. It prioritizes learning how relationships work and what can go wrong. When you’ve experienced significant emotional or relational trauma, your brain shows some general changes. You might notice reduced activity in the prefrontal areas, which help with reasoning and emotional control, and hyper-arousal in limbic areas, like the amygdala, which signal danger.

This hyper-arousal means your brain is constantly anticipating a catastrophe, much like someone with a past back injury who stays tense to protect themselves. You might feel hyper-vigilant, always watching for the next “attack.” This makes it hard to regulate emotions, which involves both sides of your frontal lobe—areas responsible for narration, language, reason, morality, comfort, and inhibition. These areas need a lot of energy, and when you’re in a fight-or-flight state, it’s tough to access them without help from caring people.

Memory is affected too. Forming memories often requires your frontal lobe to focus attention, but trauma can make this difficult. Your hippocampus, which helps store memories, shows reduced activity, and old fear patterns take over. Here’s what this might look like:

What You Might FeelWhat’s Happening in Your BrainBrain Area Involved
Constantly on edge or jumpyYour brain’s alarm system is overly activeAmygdala
Struggling to control emotionsThe “calm down” part is overwhelmedPrefrontal Cortex
Memory gaps or feeling disconnectedStress disrupts your memory storageHippocampus

These changes vary depending on the trauma and your support system, both then and now.

What this looks like day-to-day

If you feel panicked in crowded places, it might be your amygdala overreacting, like a car alarm going off at a leaf falling.

What the research says

Shin et al. (2005) found increased amygdala activity and decreased prefrontal cortex activation in PTSD, explaining hyper-vigilance and emotional struggles. A functional magnetic resonance imaging study of amygdala and medial prefrontal cortex responses to overtly presented fearful faces in posttraumatic stress disorder

Quick tips on trauma, emotions, and memory:

  • Trauma reduces activity in your prefrontal cortex, making emotional control harder.
  • Hyper-active limbic areas keep you on edge, anticipating danger.
  • Memory formation suffers due to stress on the hippocampus.
  • Support from others can help your brain recover.

Q2: Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?

There’s a big difference between one-time trauma and ongoing trauma in how your brain learns to develop, manage information, and respond. A single event, like a car accident or a betrayal, creates specific issues that don’t usually spread to every part of your life. For example, if you had a secure childhood with supportive mentors but experienced a car crash, you might get anxious about driving but not feel generally unsafe.

Chronic trauma, like ongoing childhood maltreatment, tends to generalize, affecting how your brain organizes and responds to all information. Daniel Stern, a developmental psychologist, called these “Representations of Interactions that have been Generalized” (RIGs). The earlier and more pervasive the trauma, the more it shapes your mental activity. For instance, if you faced abandonment before age two, it’s more likely to develop into a personality disorder. Later one-time events might lead to something like depression or specific fears instead.

What experts say about early trauma

“The infant’s experience is organized by repeated interactions with caregivers, forming generalized representations that shape future expectations.” – Daniel Stern, The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985) [https://www.basicbooks.com/titles/daniel-n-stern/the-interpersonal-world-of-the-infant/9780465095897/]

Chronic trauma in early life can make you expect danger everywhere, but even specific traumas can feel heavy—both can be worked through in therapy.

De Bellis (2002) showed that early maltreatment has lasting effects on brain development, supporting the idea of generalized impacts. Developmental traumatology: The psychobiological development of maltreated children and its implications for research, treatment, and policy

Quick tips on chronic trauma vs episodic trauma

  • One-time trauma creates specific triggers, like fear of driving after an accident.
  • Chronic trauma affects how your brain handles all information.
  • Early trauma, especially before age two, can lead to deeper issues like personality disorders.
  • Your unique experience shapes how trauma affects you.

Q3: Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?

Genetics are complex, and we’re just starting to understand them. Years ago, we thought genes directly controlled how our brains and bodies respond, but it’s more nuanced. Your lived experiences can influence how your genes are expressed and even affect what you pass on to your kids through epigenetics. Roughly, about 50% of how you respond to trauma is genetic, and 50% is your life experiences. But we might be overestimating the role of genetics—your environment, like the support you have, matters a lot.

For example, if you have a supportive friend or family member, it can make trauma feel less overwhelming. Without that, your brain might struggle more to process the stress.

True et al. (1993) estimated 30-40% heritability for PTSD, showing genetics play a role but not the whole story. A twin study of genetic and environmental contributions to liability for posttraumatic stress symptoms

For example, if you grew up with a loving caregiver, your brain might lean on that strength to cope with a later trauma, like a job loss, compared to someone without that support.

Quick tips on genetics and trauma

  • Genetics influence about half of how trauma affects you, but experiences are just as important.
  • Supportive relationships can lessen trauma’s impact.
  • Your unique background shapes your brain’s response.

Q4: How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?

Your brain’s chemical systems, like the HPA axis and neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine), play a big role in how trauma affects you. Serotonin, which we can think of as your “social belonging” system, helps you feel safe and resilient. When it’s low, you might feel disconnected or lonely. Dopamine is about agency and motivation—when it’s off, you might struggle to focus on goals or feel hopeful. Norepinephrine fuels your energy to respond to situations, but chronic stress can exhaust this system, leading to what’s sometimes called adrenal fatigue, where you feel drained and overwhelmed.

For example, in a fight-or-flight state, your HPA axis might be overworked, leaving you feeling wired but tired. Therapy can help by restoring safety, which lets these systems recover.

Yehuda (2002) noted HPA axis changes in PTSD, linking chronic stress to exhaustion. Post-traumatic stress disorder

Feeling tired or disconnected isn’t just “in your head”—it’s your brain’s chemistry reacting to stress, and therapy can help balance it.

Quick tips on trauma and brain chemistry

  • Low serotonin can make you feel disconnected from others.
  • Low dopamine reduces motivation and focus.
  • Overworked norepinephrine and HPA axis lead to adrenal fatigue.
  • Safety through therapy helps these systems recover.

Q5: Can my brain really heal from trauma?

Yes, your brain can heal through neuroplasticity, its ability to adapt and reorganize. When you’re younger, your brain is more flexible, quickly adapting to your environment. But even as an adult, this capacity fluctuates. When you feel fearful and alone, your brain becomes less open to new information—it’s like it’s locked in survival mode. But when you feel safe and secure, your brain can afford the energy to reorganize and heal. Social relationships, like those with a therapist or loved ones, are key to making this happen.

Davidson & McEwen (2012) found that social support promotes neuroplasticity, aiding recovery. Social influences on neuroplasticity: Stress and interventions to promote well-being

For example, imagine your brain like a garden path—trauma might have worn it down, but therapy is like planting new seeds with someone guiding you.

Quick tips on healing from trauma and neuroplasticity

  • Neuroplasticity lets your brain adapt and heal.
  • Feeling safe with others makes your brain more flexible.
  • Therapy creates the conditions for healing.

Q6: How can therapy help my brain process trauma?

Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) help your brain heal. EMDR promotes safety through its structured approach, oscillating between facing painful memories and returning to a calm state. This helps your brain process trauma through bilateral stimulation, though some studies suggest the real benefit comes from the therapist’s ability to co-regulate with you—helping you feel safe enough to process overwhelming emotions. The therapist’s presence is like borrowing their calm to handle what feels too big alone.

Stickgold (2002) suggested EMDR’s bilateral stimulation mimics REM sleep, aiding memory processing. EMDR: A putative neurobiological mechanism of action

Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about helping your brain feel safe to engage in a natural healing mode.

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Quick tips on trauma therapy

  • EMDR helps by alternating between pain and safety, with the therapist’s support.
  • The therapeutic relationship is key to processing overwhelming emotions.
  • Safety helps you heal

Q7: How does trauma impact my brain’s structure?

Beyond the well-known brain areas, trauma affects other regions like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is shaped by secure mentorship and parenting. The ACC helps you lean into challenges, knowing you can bounce back. When trauma leaves you feeling alone, this area can become deficient, making you feel like all pain must be avoided or that there’s no way out. This can show up as trouble focusing (like in ADHD), difficulty trusting others, or even physical symptoms like chronic fatigue from stress.

For example, you might avoid social events because they feel overwhelming, or you might get sick more often because stress weakens your body. Therapy can help by rebuilding these brain areas, improving your focus, connections, and health.

Thomaes et al. (2013) found altered ACC function in complex PTSD, affecting emotion regulation and focus. Increased anterior cingulate cortex and hippocampus activation in Complex PTSD during encoding of negative words

For example, if you struggle to finish tasks because your mind feels scattered, it might be your ACC reacting to past trauma—but therapy can help you regain clarity.

Quick tips on trauma and brain structures

  • Trauma affects the ACC, making it hard to focus or face challenges.
  • This can lead to struggles with relationships or physical health.
  • Therapy helps rebuild these brain areas for better functioning.

Take the First Step with Trauma Therapy

Trauma may have changed your brain, but it doesn’t define you. With therapy, you can feel calmer, more connected, and in control again. If you’re thinking about starting trauma therapy, you’re already taking a brave step. Reach out to us (#) to learn how we can support your healing journey. You don’t have to do this alone—your brain is ready to heal, and we’re here to help.

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Somatic Therapy for Dissociation
Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

How to Treat Dissociation: Why Somatic Therapy Heals Trauma Best

Written by Addy Sonneland

By Addy Sonneland, AMFT

Dissociation is a common yet often misunderstood psychological response, especially among those who have experienced trauma. At its core, dissociation is a disconnection—a split between the mind and the body, or between thoughts, memories, and one’s sense of identity. For many, it can feel like zoning out, feeling foggy, or even watching oneself from outside the body. Dr. Bessel van Der Kolk describes dissociation as, “a temporary putting aside, not knowing, and not noticing“. While this response can be protective in moments of overwhelm, chronic dissociation can create challenges in daily life, relationships, and overall well-being.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociation?

  • Feeling disconnected from yourself and your body
  • Feeling disconnected from reality and your surroundings
  • Gaps in memory
  • Time feels like it is moving too fast or too slow
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Emotional numbness
  • Feeling like the world around you is not real
  • Zoning out for periods of time

What Causes Dissociation?

Dissociation exists on a spectrum. On one end, there are mild forms, like daydreaming or losing track of time while driving. On the other, more severe forms include depersonalization (feeling detached from yourself) and derealization (feeling like the world isn’t real). For trauma survivors, dissociation can become a survival strategy—an unconscious way the nervous system protects itself from pain, fear, or helplessness. Our nervous system can cycle through feeling hyperactive (or “jumpy”) to feeling nothing at all. However, when this coping mechanism persists long after the threat has passed, it can keep people disconnected from their feelings, sensations, and sense of self.

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The Role of Somatic Therapy

Somatic therapy offers a pathway out of dissociation by helping individuals reconnect with their bodies. “Somatic” comes from the Greek word soma, meaning body. Unlike talk therapy alone, somatic approaches incorporate body awareness, movement, breath, and sensation as part of the healing process.

4 Somatic Practices to Help Dissociation

Somatic therapy offers practical, body-centered tools to help bridge the gap between mind and body when dissociation takes hold. Here are key practices that gently invite you back into presence:

1. Grounding Exercises

Grounding helps anchor you in the present moment, providing a safe “anchor” when feelings of dissociation start to surface. Examples include:

  • Feeling your feet firmly on the floor and noticing the sensation of contact.
  • Holding a textured object like a smooth stone or fabric and focusing on its texture, temperature, and weight.
  • Naming five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you taste (the “5-4-3-2-1” technique)

These exercises reconnect your mind with your immediate environment, interrupting the foggy or detached experience of dissociation by stimulating your senses.

2. Breathwork

Your breath is a powerful tool to regulate your nervous system and reduce feelings of overwhelm that feed dissociation. Techniques such as:

  • Box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4).
  • Slow, deep belly breathing that encourages the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” mode) to activate.

By slowing and deepening the breath, you signal safety to your body, helping to calm hyperarousal and ease dissociative symptoms.

3. Body Scans

Body scans encourage you to notice sensations throughout your body without judgment or the need to “fix” anything. This practice builds interoception — the ability to sense internal bodily states — which is often dulled in dissociation. A typical body scan might involve:

  • Slowly directing your attention from your feet to your head, noticing areas of tension, warmth, coolness, or neutrality.
  • Observing any discomfort or pleasant sensations and accepting them as they are.

This mindful connection to your body rebuilds the bridge between mind and body, helping you regain a sense of embodied presence.

4. Movement

Gentle, intentional movement can release trauma held in muscles and restore a sense of safety within your body. Movement can be as simple as:

  • Stretching tight areas, like your neck or shoulders.
  • Walking mindfully, noticing each step and the movement in your legs.
  • Participating in yoga, dance, or tai chi, which combine movement with breath and awareness.

Movement helps dissolve tension and stuck energy, fostering a grounded sense of self and easing dissociative states.

Mindfulness and Safe Touch

Mindfulness cultivates a compassionate awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise, helping reduce the “auto-pilot” feeling of dissociation. Pairing mindfulness with safe touch—like placing a hand on your heart or gently hugging yourself—can provide comfort and reassurance.

These acts create a feeling of safety and presence, reminding your nervous system that it’s okay to be in the body and experience emotions without danger.

Reconnecting with the Body

Healing dissociation isn’t about forcing presence or pushing through discomfort. It’s about creating a safe container where the body can slowly become a place of connection rather than fear. Somatic therapy helps build this safety over time, often in small, titrated steps.

The process of reconnection might look like:

  • Noticing when you’ve checked out—and gently bringing yourself back.
  • Building tolerance for sensation without judgment.
  • Developing curiosity and compassion toward your body’s responses.
  • Creating new experiences of embodiment.

The Role of Nervous System Regulation in Healing Dissociation

Dissociation often stems from a nervous system overwhelmed by threat and trauma. Somatic therapy works by teaching the body to regulate its own stress responses.

  • Somatic Experiencing (SE): This approach helps you notice sensations related to trauma, allowing the nervous system to complete its natural “reset” without becoming overwhelmed.
  • Titration: Rather than diving into trauma all at once, titration breaks down the experience into manageable parts, helping avoid retraumatization.
  • Resourcing: Developing internal (breath, mindfulness) and external (safe people, places) supports that help you feel grounded and stable.

With time, nervous system regulation lessens the need for dissociation as a defense mechanism and encourages a gentle return to presence.

Why Professional Support Matters for Healing Dissociation

Healing dissociation isn’t something you need to do alone. Working with a therapist who understands trauma and somatic approaches ensures:

  • Safety: Therapists create a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore difficult feelings at your own pace.
  • Personalized Care: A therapist can tailor somatic practices to your unique needs and monitor your nervous system’s responses.
  • Integration: Professional guidance supports the reintegration of dissociated parts of yourself and helps translate insights into everyday life.
  • Hope and Patience: Healing is a gradual process—having a supportive guide makes all the difference.

Seeking help is a courageous and essential step toward reclaiming your presence and wholeness.

Why Somatic Therapy Works

The body holds our trauma, but it also holds the key to healing. Somatic therapy recognizes that trauma is not just stored in memories or thoughts—it’s embedded in our nervous system, posture, breath, and muscle patterns. By working with the body directly, we can shift these patterns and restore a sense of wholeness.

Somatic therapy doesn’t promise quick fixes, but it does offer profound tools for lasting change. By tuning in to the body, we reclaim agency, resilience, and a deeper sense of self. For many people, the journey out of dissociation involves building the capacity to stay with what’s happening in the moment—sensations, emotions, relationships—without becoming overwhelmed. Somatic therapy is particularly powerful because it works with the very system that dissociation affects: the nervous system.

Can Dissociation be Cured?

Dissociation isn’t a life sentence, but rather a sign that your system did exactly what it needed to survive at the time. While it may not always “disappear” entirely, it can absolutely be softened, managed, and even transformed. Healing from dissociation is not about erasing your past or pretending the disconnection never happened—it’s about learning to be present in your life again, on your own terms.

Over time, with consistent support, people often find that the fog lifts. They feel more real, more present, and more able to engage with the world around them. The freeze begins to thaw. They begin to live, rather than just survive. Healing from dissociation is possible. It may take time, patience, and support—but you are not alone, and you are not stuck. With the right tools, the body can learn safety, and the mind can return to presence.

FAQ About Dissociation

Is dissociation the same as daydreaming?
Not exactly. While daydreaming is a mild, common form of dissociation, clinical dissociation—especially related to trauma—is more intense and often involves disruptions in memory, identity, and perception. It can interfere with daily functioning in ways that go far beyond zoning out or getting lost in thought.

Can dissociation happen without trauma?
Yes. While trauma is a common cause, dissociation can also be triggered by extreme stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, or other overwhelming experiences. However, persistent or intense dissociation often points to deeper roots that are worth exploring with a therapist.

How do I know if I’m dissociating?
Some signs include feeling “spaced out,” disconnected from your body, numb, or like you’re watching your life from the outside. You may also experience memory gaps, feel emotionally flat, or notice time distortion (example: “Where did the last hour go?”).

Do I have to remember or talk about my trauma to heal?
Not necessarily. Somatic therapy focuses more on how trauma lives in the body now, rather than rehashing details of the past. Many people find relief and progress without ever needing to tell their full story. Healing can happen through presence, sensation, and gentle reconnection—not just words.

A gentle note…

If you’ve experienced dissociation, know that it’s a natural and understandable response to overwhelming circumstances. You’re not broken—you’re surviving. And with the right tools and support, it is possible to feel more grounded, connected, and at home in your body again.

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Trauma therapy in Pasadena exposure is essential
Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

Trauma Thrives in the Dark: Why You Need Exposure Therapy

Written by herecounseling

Trauma hurts. You know the ache of wanting to escape the pain, to silence the memories, or to build walls around the parts of your life that feel too overwhelming to face. It’s only natural to wish for a way to heal without having to relive the hurt—to somehow remove the trauma without ever looking at it again. But here’s the hard truth: healing from trauma requires confronting the pain. It’s not about avoiding or suppressing it; it’s about facing it head-on in a safe, supported way. This process, known as exposure, is the key to reclaiming your life from trauma’s grip.

In this article, we’ll explore why exposure is essential in trauma therapy, backed by the latest research and real-world examples. We’ll also look at why avoidance—though understandable—keeps trauma alive and how therapy can guide you through the process of healing.

“But why should I have to feel worse to feel better?”

When trauma strikes, the instinct to protect yourself is powerful. You might find yourself doing everything possible to avoid the pain—setting rigid boundaries around “toxic” triggers, numbing with substances or distractions, or even approaching therapy with the hope of silencing the hurt without ever truly facing it. These are common defenses, and they make sense. After all, who wouldn’t want to bypass the agony of reliving a traumatic experience? We wish we could “lobotomize” the trauma, excise it like a tumor, or create an impenetrable fortress around it so it never touches us again.

But avoidance, while offering temporary relief, keeps the trauma alive, festering beneath the surface. Let’s dive into some of the most common ways people try to sidestep their pain—and why these strategies, though well-intentioned, often backfire.

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Common Ways People Avoid Confronting Trauma

1. Boundaries as Avoidance

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but when used to avoid trauma, they can become rigid barriers that limit your life more than they protect it. For example, someone who experienced abuse in a childhood home might refuse to visit their hometown, even if it means missing family gatherings or reconnecting with loved ones.

This avoidance extends beyond physical spaces—someone who survived a workplace assault might quit their job or avoid professional networking events, labeling them “unsafe.” While setting boundaries can feel empowering, overusing them to dodge trauma-related triggers shrinks your world, and doesn’t provide the intended relief. Instead of reclaiming agency, you hand control to the trauma, letting it dictate where you go and what you do, often leading to isolation or missed opportunities.

2. Addiction and Suppression

When trauma’s pain feels unbearable, many turn to substances or behaviors to numb it. Alcohol, drugs, overeating, or compulsive habits like gaming or social media scrolling can become ways to suppress emotions tied to trauma. For instance, a person haunted by memories of a car accident might drink heavily each evening to avoid intrusive thoughts, only to face heightened anxiety when sober. Another might throw themselves into work, filling every hour with tasks to escape the grief of a loss.

These habits offer a temporary escape, but they don’t resolve the trauma—they delay it. Over time, suppression can spiral into addiction, adding new layers of struggle that complicate healing and reinforce the trauma’s hold.

3. Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism where you refuse to acknowledge the trauma or its impact. Someone who endured childhood neglect might say, “My parents were busy—it didn’t affect me,” despite struggling with chronic distrust or low self-worth. A survivor of a natural disaster might insist, “I’m fine; I got through it,” while battling unexplained panic attacks. Denial feels like a way to stay strong, but it’s a fragile shield.

By burying the trauma, you allow it to manifest indirectly—through irritability, difficulty connecting with others, or even physical symptoms like insomnia. This avoidance prevents you from processing the experience, keeping the pain alive beneath a veneer of “everything’s okay.”

4. Intellectualization

Intellectualization involves focusing on the logical or factual aspects of trauma to avoid its emotional weight. A person who survived a violent incident might research crime statistics obsessively, noting, “The odds of it happening again are low,” without ever addressing the fear that lingers. Another might describe their trauma in detached terms, like a case study—“It was an event that disrupted my routine”—to sidestep the grief or anger it evokes.

This mental distance can feel like control, but it’s a form of avoidance. By staying in the realm of analysis, you bypass the emotional processing needed for healing, leaving the trauma’s deeper impact untouched.

5. Approaching Therapy as a Silencer

Even therapy can become a tool for avoidance if approached with the wrong expectations. Some people enter treatment hoping for a quick fix—a technique or medication to erase the pain without engaging with it. For example, a client might focus solely on symptom relief, like stopping nightmares, without exploring the memories behind them. Others might seek therapy to “move on” without confronting the trauma, expecting the therapist to magically remove it.

This mindset treats therapy as a way to silence distress rather than a space to process it. While symptom management is important, true healing requires facing the pain, not bypassing it, which can be a challenging but necessary shift in perspective.

These avoidance tactics are survival strategies, born from a need to feel safe. But they’re short-term fixes that prolong trauma’s power, keeping you stuck in a cycle of fear, numbness, or disconnection.

Research Supports it: Exposure is Essential for Healing

Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting or suppressing—it’s about integrating the experience so it no longer controls you. Exposure therapy, a cornerstone of trauma treatment, involves gradually and safely confronting the memories, emotions, or situations that trigger distress. It’s not about reliving the trauma recklessly; it’s about processing it in a controlled, therapeutic setting with support. Research underscores why this approach is critical for lasting recovery.

What the Science Says

A 2024 study in JAMA Psychiatry examined virtual reality exposure therapy (VRET) combined with transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) for military veterans with PTSD. Participants engaged with simulated trauma-related scenarios, like combat zones, in a safe environment. The study found a significant reduction in symptoms—over 50%—with benefits persisting a month after treatment (JAMA Psychiatry Article). This shows that controlled exposure can desensitize the brain’s fear response, making traumatic memories less overwhelming.

Similarly, a 2024 Heliyon review of trauma treatment models emphasized that exposure is the backbone of effective therapy. The authors argued that avoiding exposure oversimplifies trauma’s emotional complexity, citing examples like a refugee whose panic attacks lessened after guided exposure to memories of displacement (Heliyon Review).

All therapy is exposure therapy

Essentially, all therapy is exposure therapy to some degree. The healing power of any therapeutic approach lies in its ability to create a safe space where you can revisit the experiences that frighten you most. Whether it’s talking through a memory in talk therapy, processing emotions in EMDR, or reflecting on past pain in psychodynamic work, therapy invites you to face what you’ve avoided.

This controlled re-engagement helps you reclaim power over your story, transforming fear into understanding. By approaching pain with support, therapy ensures you’re not overwhelmed, making exposure the universal thread that weaves healing across all modalities.

Exposure is how we learn resilience and maturity

Exposure isn’t just a therapy tool—it’s how we learn resilience. Take a child afraid of the dark: they might start with every light on, terrified of shadows. A parent introduces a nightlight, then dims it over weeks, exposing the child to increasing darkness. Eventually, the child sleeps comfortably without fear. This gradual process mirrors trauma therapy, where small, supported steps build strength to face what once felt impossible.

How Exposure Rewires the Brain

When you avoid trauma triggers, your brain interprets them as ongoing threats, keeping your nervous system in survival mode. Exposure therapy disrupts this cycle. By facing the trauma in manageable doses—through talking, imagining, or controlled scenarios—you teach your brain that the danger is past. This reduces the intensity of fear responses and helps integrate fragmented memories, allowing you to move forward with less emotional weight.

Why Avoidance Keeps Trauma Alive

Avoidance might feel like protection, but it’s a trap. Sidestepping trauma-related thoughts or feelings signals to your brain that they’re still dangerous, reinforcing a cycle of distress. Over time, this can lead to:

  • Increased Anxiety: Avoiding places tied to trauma, like a crowded mall after an assault, can make even the idea of going there trigger panic.
  • Emotional Numbness: Suppressing grief might dull joy, leaving you disconnected from loved ones.
  • Physical Symptoms: Unprocessed trauma can manifest as tension headaches or fatigue, lingering until the pain is faced.

Exposure, by contrast, rewires this response. It’s like teaching a child to swim by starting in shallow water—they learn the water isn’t a threat. In therapy, you learn the trauma isn’t your present, freeing you from its grip.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Why is exposure important in trauma therapy?

Exposure helps process traumatic memories, reducing their emotional hold. Avoiding them strengthens trauma’s grip, while facing it safely with a therapist rewires fear responses, fostering lasting healing.

What are the benefits of exposure in trauma therapy?

  • Reduces Fear: Lowers anxiety tied to triggers.
  • Integrates Memories: Makes fragmented experiences feel whole.
  • Boosts Resilience: Builds confidence in handling distress.
  • Eases Physical Pain: Relieves trauma’s bodily toll.

How does exposure work in trauma therapy?

It’s a gradual process—talking about the trauma, imagining it, or using guided techniques—at a pace you can handle, always supported by a professional to ensure safety.

The Path to Healing: Facing Pain with Support

Confronting trauma is tough, but it’s the road to freedom. Therapy—whether talk-based or EMDR—offers a safe space to face your pain without being overwhelmed. You don’t have to do it alone. With support, you can transform that raw wound into a source of strength, rewriting your story with hope.

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Key Citations

APA Trauma Information Page

JAMA Psychiatry Article on VR and tDCS for PTSD

Heliyon Review on Advancing Trauma Studies

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[VIDEO] How EMDR Therapy Works To Heal Generational Wounds

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Trauma has a way of embedding itself not just in our own lives but also in the stories and legacies passed down through generations. The idea of confronting this pain can feel overwhelming—our instinct is to avoid the discomfort, to stay within the safety of what we know. Yet, avoiding trauma doesn’t make it disappear; it allows it to linger, affecting us and those who come after us. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) offers a structured, safe way to face these buried wounds with the support of a therapist, providing a path to personal healing and the chance to break the cycle of generational trauma.

In this article, we’ll explore why confronting trauma is so challenging, how EMDR helps us overcome that challenge, and the profound benefits it offers—not just for ourselves but for our larger family stories.

What is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy initially developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s. Shapiro stumbled upon its foundations by accident: while walking and feeling distressed, she noticed her eyes moving left to right and felt a sudden relief. This observation sparked decades of research, transforming EMDR into an evidence-based treatment, particularly effective for PTSD, but also valuable for anxiety, depression, and even sports performance.

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The EMDR Process: A Structured Path to Healing Trauma

EMDR is more than just eye movements—it’s a comprehensive therapy built on trust, preparation, and a clear protocol to process trauma safely.

Building Safety and Skills

The journey begins with one to three sessions focused on establishing a relationship with the therapist and equipping the client with coping tools. Dana Carretta-Stein, a licensed therapist and EMDR specialist, emphasizes this preparation: “My job is to make you uncomfortable because if we don’t feel something, we can’t heal it.” These initial steps ensure clients feel secure and ready to face their pain.

Processing with Bilateral Stimulation

The core of EMDR involves bilateral stimulation—such as following a light bar with the eyes, hearing alternating sounds, or feeling vibrations in the hands—while recalling traumatic memories. This dual attention helps the brain reprocess the experience, reducing its emotional charge. Clients might notice a rise in discomfort followed by a release, often marked by a sigh or a shift in posture, signaling healing in action.

“But I don’t want to deal with my trauma”

The Instinct to Avoid Discomfort

Confronting trauma is hard because it hurts. “A comfort zone is a beautiful thing, but nothing ever grows there,” Carretta-Stein notes. Our natural response is to push away pain, fearing it will overwhelm us. Many start therapy with hope but hesitate when subconscious barriers emerge, worried that facing the trauma will make things worse before they get better.

Yet Avoidance has a Hidden Cost

Avoidance offers temporary relief, but it perpetuates the problem. Unresolved trauma can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms, and it doesn’t stop with us—it can ripple through generations. EMDR addresses this by providing a structured environment where discomfort is expected and managed, allowing clients to move through it rather than around it.

What is Generational Trauma?

The Legacy of Pain Passed Down

Generational trauma is the idea that trauma’s effects—emotional, behavioral, or even genetic—can be transmitted across family lines. Research suggests that experiences can alter gene expression, meaning the pain of a grandparent might echo in their descendants. Carretta-Stein shares a personal example: during her pregnancy, she experienced a visceral panic, later tracing it to a family history of grief and loss that spanned generations.

EMDR can be a Tool for Healing Generational Trauma

Facing Inherited Pain with Support

EMDR excels at addressing generational trauma by allowing individuals to process not just their own experiences but the emotional baggage handed down to them. With a therapist’s guidance, clients can confront these memories in a safe space, using bilateral stimulation to reprocess and release the pain. “When you work through stuff, you don’t just heal yourself, you heal past generations and future ones,” Carretta-Stein explains.

The Benefits of EMDR Therapy

Personal Relief and Resilience

EMDR brings tangible relief: reduced symptoms, deeper insights, and a sense of letting go. Clients often feel lighter, as if a burden has lifted. “People start to heal the moment they feel heard,” Carretta-Stein says, highlighting the power of being seen and understood in therapy.

Healing Trauma is a Gift to Family and Beyond

The impact extends beyond the individual. By confronting and overcoming trauma, we prevent it from being passed on, fostering healthier relationships and communities. This dual benefit—personal healing and a transformed legacy—makes EMDR a powerful tool for those willing to face the discomfort.

Confronting trauma, especially one woven into your family’s history, takes courage. The discomfort is real, but so is the potential for transformation. EMDR provides a structured, relational approach to make this possible, ensuring you’re not alone on the journey. If you’re ready to explore this path, consider reaching out to a trained therapist. For more insight, Carretta-Stein’s EMDR Therapy Progress Journal, available on Amazon or DanaCorretta.com, offers a helpful starting point.

Trauma isolates us, but healing reconnects us—to ourselves, our past, and our future. With EMDR, you can turn pain into possibility, for you and the generations that follow.

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[VIDEO] Why Trauma Effects Some People and Not Others: How to Give Yourself The Best Chance at Recovery with Trauma Therapy

Written by herecounseling

What is trauma and how is it different from PTSD?

Trauma is a deeply distressing experience that can leave lasting scars on the mind and body. It’s like a storm that upends your world, leaving you to pick up the pieces. For many, the aftermath of trauma is a daily battle, filled with emotional turbulence, physical exhaustion, and a sense of disconnection from the life they once knew. If you’ve ever wondered, what is trauma and how is it different from PTSD?, you’re not alone. Understanding the distinction is key to recognizing when to seek help and how to begin the healing process.

In this article, we’ll explore the nature of trauma, its most common symptoms, and how it impacts daily life. We’ll use an analogy of a dam overflowing with water to explain how trauma occurs and why some people develop PTSD while others do not. We’ll also delve into the research-backed differences between those who engage in trauma therapy and those who do not, highlighting the importance of social support in recovery. For those seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena or elsewhere, this guide will provide valuable insights into the healing journey.

  1. What is trauma?
  2. What are the common symptoms of trauma?
  3. How trauma is like a dam
  4. The impact of trauma therapy
  5. Trauma therapy options

What Does Trauma Feel Like? Common Symptoms and Their Impact

Trauma can manifest in a variety of ways, often leaving survivors feeling like they’re navigating a minefield of emotional and physical triggers. The symptoms can be overwhelming, but understanding them is the first step toward reclaiming control. Here are some of the most common symptoms of trauma and how they impact a person’s life:

1. Flashbacks

These are vivid, involuntary memories of the traumatic event. A flashback can feel like you’re reliving the moment, causing intense fear or panic. For example, a veteran might hear a car backfire and suddenly feel as though they’re back on the battlefield. This can disrupt daily routines, making it hard to focus on work or enjoy time with loved ones.

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2. Nightmares

Trauma often invades sleep, leading to recurring nightmares that disrupt rest and heighten anxiety. This can result in chronic fatigue and a sense of dread around bedtime, leaving survivors exhausted and less equipped to handle daily challenges.

3. Anxiety and Hypervigilance

Survivors may feel constantly on edge, scanning their environment for potential threats. This state of hyperarousal can make it difficult to relax, concentrate, or engage in everyday activities like socializing or driving, turning ordinary moments into sources of stress.

4. Depression

Trauma can lead to feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or numbness. Survivors might withdraw from social interactions, lose interest in hobbies, or struggle with a pervasive sense of sadness, which can strain relationships and diminish their quality of life.

5. Avoidance

Many trauma survivors avoid places, people, or situations that remind them of the event. While this can provide temporary relief, it often limits their ability to live fully—perhaps avoiding a favorite park or skipping family gatherings—leading to isolation and missed opportunities.

6. Physical Symptoms

Trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it can also cause headaches, muscle tension, gastrointestinal issues, and a weakened immune system. These physical manifestations can make it harder to stay healthy or perform at work, adding another layer of struggle. This is because emotions like chronic anxiety are directly tied to our bodily state. When we hold that state (such as high muscle tension associated with anxiety) it changes the long-term structure of our bodies.

Each of these symptoms can make daily life feel like an uphill battle. Simple tasks, like going to work or socializing, may become daunting. Relationships can suffer as survivors struggle to connect with others while managing their internal turmoil. Over time, the weight of these symptoms can feel unbearable. Many people who have experienced any of these symptoms rightly wonder why their bodies respond this way and if it will ever change.

Trauma therapy allostatic load PTSD

The Overflowing Dam: Defining Trauma

Why do some people experience trauma and not others, even following the same painful experience? To better understand how trauma happens, imagine a dam holding back a reservoir of water. The dam represents your coping mechanisms, social support, and emotional security—everything that helps you manage stress and return to a state of safety. The water symbolizes the stressors in your life, whether they’re everyday challenges or major life events.

Under normal circumstances, the dam holds strong. The water (stress) flows in, but your coping strategies and support systems contain it, preventing it from overwhelming you. However, when a stressor is too intense or prolonged—such as a traumatic event—the water surges, and the dam can no longer hold it back. The water spills over, flooding the surrounding area. This overflow is what we call trauma.

This concept is called allostatic load, which refers to the cumulative wear and tear on the body and mind when stress exceeds our ability to cope.

Then why do some have a trauma response and others don’t?

When the load becomes too great, our systems are overwhelmed, leading to trauma. Trauma, then, is not just about the event itself but about how it overwhelms our capacity to process and integrate the experience. It’s the point at which our emotional and psychological defenses are breached, leaving us feeling helpless, vulnerable, and unsafe.

In this way, trauma has to do with both the amount of “water” and the capacity of the “dam”. When a person has adequate coping skills, social supports, and emotional security (a large dam), they may recover well even from a highly stressful situation (heavy rainfall). When a person is unsupported, however, even the smallest amount of rain will be overwhelming. How a person experiences a traumatic event has to do with both the strength of internal resources and the strength of the stressor.

Trauma vs. PTSD: Key Differences

While trauma refers to the overwhelming experience and its immediate aftermath, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a specific mental health condition that can develop in some individuals after trauma. Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD, but for those who do, the symptoms are more persistent and debilitating.

PTSD is characterized by four main clusters of symptoms:

  • Intrusive memories: Flashbacks, nightmares, or distressing thoughts about the trauma that invade daily life.
  • Avoidance: Steering clear of reminders of the trauma, such as specific locations or conversations, which can shrink a person’s world.
  • Negative changes in mood and thinking: Feelings of hopelessness, detachment, or distorted beliefs about oneself or others that darken one’s outlook.
  • Hyperarousal: Being easily startled, feeling tense, or having difficulty sleeping, keeping the body and mind in a constant state of alert.

Using our dam analogy, if trauma is the moment the dam overflows, PTSD is like the floodwaters that never fully recede. The emotional and psychological impact lingers, and the person remains in a state of heightened distress, unable to return to their pre-trauma baseline. PTSD is a clinical diagnosis, requiring a specific set of symptoms lasting for more than a month, whereas trauma encompasses the broader initial response to an overwhelming event, whether or not it leads to PTSD.

Social Support Makes the Difference in Post-Trauma Recovery

Research consistently shows that social support plays a critical role in whether someone develops PTSD after trauma and how well they recover. Strong social networks can act as a buffer, helping individuals process their experiences and regain a sense of safety. Think of social support as reinforcements for the dam—friends, family, and community members who help shore up your emotional defenses.

Studies have found that:

  • Individuals with high levels of social support are less likely to develop PTSD and tend to recover more quickly. For example, a study in the Journal of Traumatic Stress showed that survivors of natural disasters with strong community ties had lower PTSD rates.
  • Conversely, a lack of support can worsen symptoms and prolong recovery, leaving survivors feeling isolated and more vulnerable to the lingering effects of trauma.

This highlights the importance of leaning on trusted loved ones during the healing process. Social support provides emotional validation, practical help, and a sense of belonging—all essential for rebuilding after the dam has been breached.

Trauma Therapy: Research-Backed Benefits

While social support is vital, many trauma survivors benefit from professional intervention, particularly trauma therapy. Evidence-based treatments like Somatic therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help survivors process their experiences, reduce symptoms, and regain control over their lives.

Research highlights clear differences between those who participate in trauma therapy and those who do not:

  • Symptom Reduction: Therapy participants often see a significant decrease in PTSD symptoms, such as flashbacks and anxiety, allowing them to reclaim parts of their lives lost to trauma.
  • Improved Coping Skills: Therapy provides tools to manage triggers and rebuild emotional resilience, empowering survivors to face challenges with greater confidence.
  • Enhanced Quality of Life: Those who engage in therapy report better relationships, improved work performance, and a greater sense of well-being compared to those who don’t seek help.

A meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found that trauma-focused therapies like Somatic Therapy and EMDR are highly effective. Many participants no longer meeting PTSD criteria after treatment. For those in Pasadena or nearby, seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena can be a crucial step toward healing.

Option 1: Somatic Therapy for Trauma: Healing Through the Body

What is Somatic Therapy?

Somatic therapy is built on the principle that trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it also gets stored in the body. This approach recognizes the deep connection between physical sensations and emotional experiences, suggesting that unresolved trauma can manifest as tension, pain, or other bodily symptoms. By focusing on these physical cues, somatic therapy aims to help individuals process and release trapped traumatic energy, fostering a sense of safety and wholeness.

Research-Backed Benefits of Somatic Therapy

Studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of somatic therapy for trauma recovery. For instance, research by Levine (2010) on somatic experiencing therapy found it significantly reduced PTSD symptoms in participants. A meta-analysis by van der Kolk et al. (2014) showed that body-oriented therapies can alleviate trauma-related distress, particularly for those who find traditional talk therapy challenging. These findings highlight somatic therapy’s ability to address both the emotional and physical aftermath of trauma.

What to Expect in Somatic Sessions

In a somatic therapy session, you’ll work with a trained therapist to tune into your body’s signals. You might start with a body scan, where you focus on different areas of your body to notice sensations like tightness or discomfort. The therapist may guide you through gentle movements or breathing exercises to release stored tension. Mindfulness practices are also common, helping you stay present and regulate your nervous system. The pace is gentle and tailored to your comfort, with the goal of rebuilding trust in your body’s natural responses.

Option 2: EMDR Therapy for Trauma: Reprocessing Painful Memories

What is EMDR Therapy?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured psychotherapy designed to help people process traumatic memories that feel “stuck.” Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR uses bilateral stimulation—like guided eye movements or alternating taps—to activate the brain’s ability to reprocess distressing memories. This stimulation mimics the brain’s natural healing during REM sleep, reducing the emotional intensity of the trauma over time.

Research-Backed Benefits of EMDR Therapy

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective trauma treatment, backed by robust research. The American Psychological Association endorses it as a top choice for PTSD, and a meta-analysis by Bisson et al. (2013) found it matches cognitive-behavioral therapy in reducing symptoms—sometimes working faster. Studies suggest EMDR can lessen the grip of flashbacks and anxiety, offering relief in fewer sessions for some, making it a powerful option for trauma survivors.

What to Expect in EMDR Sessions

An EMDR session typically lasts 60-90 minutes and follows a clear structure. You’ll begin by identifying a specific traumatic memory and the negative beliefs tied to it (e.g., “I’m powerless”). Then, while holding that memory in mind, you’ll engage in bilateral stimulation—perhaps following your therapist’s finger with your eyes or listening to alternating tones. This process repeats in short sets until the memory feels less overwhelming. Your therapist will check in regularly, ensuring you feel supported. Over multiple sessions, EMDR aims to transform how you experience that memory, easing its emotional weight.

Rebuilding After the Storm

Trauma is a profound and often life-altering experience, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By understanding the nature of trauma, recognizing its symptoms, and seeking the right support—whether through social networks or professional therapy—you can begin to rebuild your emotional dam and reclaim your life.

Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. Whether you’re grappling with the immediate aftermath of trauma or the long-term effects of PTSD, recovery is possible. With the right tools and support, you can weather the storm and emerge stronger on the other side.

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