Every couple, no matter how strong their bond, will encounter stress at some point. It can be hard to know when to seek support, and even harder to take that first step. If you and your partner are struggling—whether it’s with constant disagreements, emotional distance, or a rupture that feels impossible to repair—you’re not alone in wondering,
“Do we need to go to couples therapy?”
and
“Does couples therapy actually work?”
In this article we’re going to answer these two essential questions about couples therapy. After reading, my hope is that you’re equipped to have a productive conversation with your partner about whether couples therapy is right for you. So first…
What Is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a guided process where partners work with a trained therapist to navigate relationship challenges. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where both people can express their feelings, gain clarity, and develop new ways of relating to one another. No two couples experience therapy the same way because no two relationships are the same. Here are some simple examples of how couples therapy can be different.
For some, couples therapy involves skill building and targeted issues
Some couples come in with what feels like a “check engine light” flashing in their relationship—they can sense that something is off, but they’re not sure what it is or how to fix it. Maybe small arguments are becoming more frequent, communication feels strained, or the connection that once felt effortless now feels harder to maintain. Therapy in this case can help identify the underlying issues and give couples the tools they need to reconnect before things escalate.
As a couple’s therapist, I’ve noticed that couples who seek therapy during periods of moderate stress often experience significant relief from the process. These sessions create a valuable opportunity to discuss essential topics like relationship priorities and communication boundaries. Engaging in therapy when stress is present but the relationship has a solid foundation can help prevent more severe or costly issues from developing in the future.
For others, couples therapy is an essential next step
Other couples enter therapy feeling like they’ve just been in a major car crash—something painful has happened that has shaken the very foundation of their relationship. This could be a betrayal, years of unspoken resentment, or a crisis that makes them question whether their relationship is even repairable. In these moments, therapy provides a structured space to process the hurt, understand each other’s pain, and determine the best path forward—whether that means healing together or finding a way to part with clarity and respect.
In my experience as a couples therapist, it often feels like years of accumulated baggage need to be addressed before real progress can be made. This can be discouraging for couples and may lead to a lack of motivation to engage in the therapeutic process or return to therapy. However, I have observed that the relief these couples experience when they begin to see progress in their relationship is significant. Although it can be challenging for couples to unlearn established patterns of behavior, creating new ways of relating in therapy can lead to a substantial increase in relationship satisfaction and a decrease in stress when facing daily challenges together.
Does Couples Therapy Really Work?
The idea of therapy can feel daunting, especially if you’re already feeling overwhelmed in your relationship. Maybe you’re wondering, Will this help us? Therapy isn’t a quick fix. However, it can be incredibly effective if both partners are willing to engage in the process. My role as a therapist is not to fix or save the relationship. Rather, it is to facilitate new opportunities for connection through insight and empathy.
The effectiveness of couples therapy depends on several factors, including the willingness of both partners to engage in the process, the skill of the therapist, and the approach used. Research shows that evidence-based approaches for couples help improve communication, rebuild trust, and deepen emotional connection. A skilled therapist will not take sides or assign blame. Instead, they will help you and your partner understand each other’s perspectives, break negative cycles, and create healthier patterns of interaction.
I use Restoration Therapy, a method created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave, to help people understand their relationship patterns. This approach focuses on identifying issues from childhood that affect current behaviors in relationships. By bringing awareness to these attachment wounds and teaching new self-regulation skills, we can foster positive changes in how you connect with your partner.
That being said, therapy doesn’t guarantee that every couple will stay together. Sometimes, the healthiest outcome is gaining clarity about what you both need, even if that means making the difficult decision to part ways. But whether therapy leads to reconciliation or a conscious uncoupling, the process can bring healing, understanding, and a stronger sense of self.
When does couples therapy NOT work?
Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are committed to healing and are willing to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship. It can be challenging for couples who struggle with ownership. While therapy can help partners learn to take ownership, progress may feel slow for both the clients and the therapist. This happens if one or both partners have difficulty acknowledging how their behaviors impact the other.
Finding success in therapy can be challenging when one partner is not fully invested in the process. This lack of investment can stem from various reasons, such as being preoccupied with work, feeling skeptical about therapy, or lacking hope in the relationship. In some cases, attending a session just to explore the connection with the therapist can be beneficial. However, there are times when a client’s motivation for therapy may inadvertently hinder progress which can confirm someone’s hesitation for therapy in general.
How do we know if it’s the right time to start couples therapy?
Starting your search for the right couple’s therapist is an important step, even if you feel hesitant about therapy. A quick 15-minute consultation with a skilled professional can help you determine if it’s the right time to begin.
Make sure to discuss your intentions with your partner openly. Emphasize the positive outcomes therapy can bring, such as better communication and a stronger connection, rather than just focusing on the problems that led you to consider therapy. This approach may encourage a more open and willing mindset for both of you.
Is Couples Therapy Right for You?
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, overwhelmed by conflict, or unsure of how to move forward together, therapy could be a helpful next step. There is no “right” or “wrong” reason to seek support. What matters is whether you and your partner are open to exploring your challenges with honesty and curiosity.
Relationships require care, just like anything else in life that we value. And just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With the right guidance, patience, and willingness to grow, healing is possible. No matter where you are in your journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
You’ve heard of “embodiment” and you are curious how this could work for you. You find yourself stuck in your head, disconnected from your experiences, and just going through the motions. Maybe you have a general understanding of your emotions, but you feel a step or two away from truly feeling them. Stress and trauma have kept you from feeling fully present and moments of dissociation feel like regular occurrences.
You’ve tried the phrases, “mind over matter” or “just shake it off”. You know that feeling tense, numb, and overwhelmed is keeping you from being fully present. Additionally, You want to experience your emotions without feeling hijacked by them. You long to find ease – a desire to walk through life feeling grounded, connected, and comfortable in your own skin. You are longing for embodiment.
Embodiment is a way of working with the mind-body connection, not by doing something entirely new, but by bringing awareness to what your body is already doing. As somatic trauma therapist, Manuela Mischke Reeds says,
“Embodiment is the awareness process through which we recognize ourselves as interconnected living systems.”
When we cultivate this awareness, we gain wisdom and insight, allowing ourselves to respond authentically and engage fully—both with ourselves and others. In this blog, we’ll explore how emotions take visible form in the body and how tuning into these signals can help you feel more present, grounded, and at home in yourself. Let’s talk more about embodiment and how somatic awareness works.
3 Common Myths About Embodiment
Many people have misconceptions about what embodiment really is. Let’s clear up some confusion around the most common ones.
1. Embodiment means always feeling “good” in your body
While embodiment includes focusing on comfortable or soothing sensations, it is not about finding a state of constant comfort or ease. It includes (but is not limited to) awareness of discomfort, tension, or even moments of disconnection from physical sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feelings, but rather to cultivate curiosity and compassion.
2. Embodiment is something you achieve once and for all
As amazing as it would be, embodiment is not a final destination. Our awareness of our body and emotions fluctuates throughout the day. Embodiment is an ongoing process of noticing. The power of embodiment is found through returning to awareness again and again, building a relationship between the mind and body over time.
3. Embodiment is just about movement or posture
While movement plays a role, embodiment is more than standing tall or stretching. It’s about recognizing how emotions show up in the body—like a clenched jaw in frustration or a sense of lightness in joy. Movement can help us learn to work with these sensations rather than ignoring or suppressing them.
3 Truths About Embodiment
Now that we have cleared up some misconceptions, let’s explore what embodiment really is and why it is so important.
1. Embodiment is for everyone
A history of trauma is not required to benefit from developing somatic awareness. We all navigate stress, emotions, and daily experiences that shape how we feel in our bodies. Embodiment helps correct the tendency to intellectualize emotions—thinking about them rather than actually feeling them. Emotions begin in the body, and they always have a physical manifestation. Through sensory awareness—exteroception (external sensations), proprioception (body position and movement), and interoception (internal bodily signals)—you can learn to recognize and process emotions as they arise. When you do, you ground yourself in the present.
2. Embodiment is an ongoing practice
It’s not a one-time realization but a long-term process of cultivating awareness to your body’s signals. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Over time, you’ll develop a stronger felt sense– your innate, pre-verbal knowledge of the mind-body connection. Instead of relying on “mind over matter,” you’ll recognize when to rest, move, or seek support. This shift leads toward greater authenticity both with yourself and others.
3. The mind and body are intimately connected
Finally, Your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are deeply intertwined through the truly brilliant vagus nerve. Dr. Willa Blythe Baker from the Mind & Life Institute notes, “Neuroscience now recognizes that the brain and the body are so intimately intertwined that they cannot be thought of separately.” Embodiment is not just about understanding your emotions but about sensing and processing them through the body. When you lean into embodiment, you move toward wholeness—engaging with life fully rather than slipping into disconnection or overwhelm.
Ready to reconnect with your body?
I help people just like you learn to move from overthinking to deeply feeling – so you can trust yourself, respond authentically, and feel more at home in your body. Embodiment is a process and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
I help people move out of survival mode and toward embodiment. We can work together to help you get there. In somatic therapy, we will use mindful awareness and gentle exploration to tap into your innate strength. This includes noticing body sensations, processing emotions through intentional movement, and inviting your body to tell the story. Your body is already speaking to you, somatic therapy helps you listen. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.
So you’ve just encountered a disappointing setback at work that’s puts into question your self-worth. With every passing day, you feel negativity taking over. Its subtle at first, but is now overriding your system, leaving you wanting to do as little as possible. Feelings of hopelessness sweep over you, and it’s hard to get out of bed. Pretty soon you’re convinced nothing can make the situation better. Not wanting friends and family to experience you like this, you begin to isolate yourself and cancel existing plans. You wish there were something to pluck you from this debilitating spiral, but it just feels too powerful.
You wonder, “why is this happening to me?” You’re frustrated with yourself yet powerless to shift your mind or your body away from this pattern.
Awe: the counterweight to depression
Depression is connected to the complex emotional experience we call awe. Awe is the experience of making meaning from vastness and seeing the world differently as a result.
For instance, imagine this scenario:
You’re not much of a camper, but your friends pull you to join them on their annual camping trip to Yosemite. The impact of the night sky in nature is something you’re aware of intellectually. You’ve even been before, once or twice. However, there’s something about being here this time confronting you with just how incredibly small you are, and you hold your hands up to the sky for scale.
As you lie outside gazing into the dark and star-filled void, your mind wanders away from your small size and into the idea of being human. You look to the left and right of you at your friends. They each have their faces turned toward the sky. It’s quiet. You’re suddenly aware that you’re all together. Together at this campsite, in this country, on this planet. The silence breaks from bristling leaves. Then a crack of laughter. Someone leans over to you and asks, “so, why do you think we’re here?”
Awe Moves Us From The Physical to The Psychological to The Existential.
Religious experiences, the birth of a child, and sunrises are some of the many experiences people claim as awe-inducing in their lives. Experiences of awe move the body from the sympathetic into the parasympathetic system of functioning. This is movement from our threat detection system to our relaxation and connective systems. For instance, the awe of watching a sunrise provides our body the sense of safety needed to access self-reflection and awareness.
This way, awe-based experiences are encounters with uncertainty. Encounters with wonder in physical, social, or conceptual forms confront us with our physical smallness and cognitive limitations. The fascinating details of a clear night sky, powerful waterfall, or stadium cheering decreases our self-focus and heightens our attention of the outside world. As we focus less on ourselves, interactions with vastness can challenge our ideas of the world. As a result, awe inspires acceptance of the world in all its uncertainty and mystery.
Awe Changes Depression by Breaking Up Negative Thoughts .
Aspects of depression such as rumination and hopelessness emerge from strongly held beliefs about what the world is like. These beliefs about the world and ourselves then prime how we predict and react to the events around us. Outdated beliefs about life, such as “the world is entirely unsafe” keep us stuck in these depressive symptoms. However, feeling awe can help loosen the grip that our outdated beliefs about life have on us. This is because awe-filled encounters decrease our self-focus, which gets heightened in depression. Rigid and unhelpful beliefs loosen through encounters with vastness. This offers our brain a chance to update how we predict and react to people and situations in our lives.
In one frame work called the Matryoshka Model, you can trace how encounters with awe shift from our electrical impulses to our physiology, to our psychology, and eventually to our attitudes about life.
Let’s delve into how the Matryoshka Model can illustrate the transformative power of awe on depression through different layers, like those nesting dolls, but with each layer representing a different type of change.
1. Awe Creates Neurological Changes in Depression
Firstly, let’s talk about electrical changes. When you’re in awe, it’s like your brain gets a reboot. Think of it as the lights coming back on in a room that’s been dark too long. Depression often dims our neural activity, but awe can spark a surge of electrical activity in areas like the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in attention and emotional regulation. This can disrupt the repetitive, negative thought patterns that characterize depression, giving you a new, brighter perspective.
2. Awe Creates Immediate Changes in Depression
Next, we move to immediate psychological changes. Awe acts like a lens, expanding your view from the narrow focus of self to the vastness around you. It’s like stepping out of a tiny, cramped room into an open field. This shift can halt the rumination cycle, where you’re stuck replaying your worries. Instead, you’re now engaged with something larger and more magnificent, which can lift your mood and bring a sense of peace, even if just for a moment.
3. Awe Creates Cortisol Changes in Depression
Diving deeper, there are neuroendocrinal psychological changes. Here, awe starts playing with the chemistry of your mind. It’s known to reduce levels of stress hormones like cortisol while possibly boosting feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin. This biochemical shift can help ease the physical symptoms of depression, like fatigue or pain, by calming the body’s stress response. It’s like awe sends a message to your body: “Let’s dial down the stress, shall we?”
4. Awe Creates Existential Changes in Depression
At the core, we have existential changes. Awe might not just change how you feel momentarily; it can alter how you see your place in the universe. Depression can make you feel insignificant or lost, but awe can reconnect you with a sense of purpose or meaning. It’s like opening the last doll to find not just another doll but a whole new world of possibilities. This layer can inspire you to rethink your life’s narrative, encouraging a journey towards what truly matters to you, fostering hope and resilience against depression.
So, through the Matryoshka Model, awe isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it’s a layered experience that can touch every part of your being—from the electrical zaps in your neurons to the deepest sense of your existence. Each layer peels back another aspect of depression, making way for healing and growth.
Awe Can Sometimes Increase Depression
While awe can induce feelings of greater connectedness to the world around us, the reality is that encounters with awe-inspiring events can also inspire feelings of powerlessness and insignificance. This occurs when the event is a frightening or saddening one, such as a destructive wildfire, severe snowstorm, or heart wrenching documentary about an issue you care about. When we begin to experience isolation, loneliness, and insignificance as a result of scary and tragic encounters, this is a signal that it’s time to reach out for connection from safe and trusted others. Finding connection with other people after difficult encounters helps us to channel our feelings of awe into a greater source of wisdom and meaning in life. Despite the complexities of awe, seeking out positive experiences of awe can promote our well being and thriving.
Seek Awe in the Everyday
Awe is both a collective and deeply personal experience. While it’s found by immersing oneself in nature, it’s also discovered in the details of daily life. According to Ambre Associates, Awe can be found without major travel or expenses with these 5 minute practices. Some include:
Taking a slow walk, stopping to gaze at something that catches your attention.
Listening differently. Focus on the sounds of the instruments in your favorite song, tune into the sounds of nature and public life.
Listening to a speech delivered by your favorite speaker.
Following Instagram accounts that share pictures of nature.
Reach out for help
Connect with someone who can support you in understanding existential depression and it’s impact on yourself, work, friends, and family. I help people access inner strength so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom.
Arianne MacBean, a somatic therapist with a profound background in dance education and choreography, helps people with trauma and anxiety to create change using their bodies. On the surface, this idea sounds trivial, yet as Arianne explains, the body is absolutely central in any process of healing. Arianne shared her unique journey from leading dance workshops for veterans to becoming a somatic psychotherapist, illustrating how movement and memory can catalyze deep emotional and psychological healing.
How veterans heal trauma through movement
Arianne’s work began with veterans through “The Collective Memory Project,” where she combined writing and movement to help veterans process their memories. “We were dealing with memory making as a relational process,” Arianne explains. “It changes as you tell it and share it.” This initiative was not just about dance but about using movement as a medium to externalize and reinterpret personal experiences. Veterans found themselves in a space where their memories could be shared, reshaped, and witnessed by others, leading to profound moments of vulnerability, healing, and sometimes, performance on stage alongside professional dancers.
Moving from dance to therapy
The transition from dance educator to therapist was driven by Arianne’s realization of the deep therapeutic impact her workshops had. She noticed that moving memories physically allowed for an emotional release that talking alone could not achieve. “What we were doing was incredibly evocative, provocative, emotional, vulnerable, and healing,” Arianne recounts. This insight led her to pursue further skills in somatic psychotherapy, where she could formally integrate these practices into healing processes.
How Somatic Therapy Works
Arianne describes how, in therapy sessions, she encourages clients to embody their emotions or memories physically. “It’s a kind of embodied way of processing experience,” she notes. For example, she recounts a session where a client with an autoimmune condition physically took on a posture from a painful memory, leading to significant emotional shifts. This method isn’t about escaping discomfort but about engaging with it in a controlled, therapeutic setting, which can lead to acceptance and eventual relief.
The process allows for a re-experiencing of trauma in a safe environment, where the body’s memory can be explored and reframed. “It’s about feeling change, not just thinking it,” Arianne adds, emphasizing the emotional and bodily release that somatic therapy facilitates.
Somatic therapy exercises actually involve two people: you and the therapist
One of the key takeaways from Arianne’s discussion is the human connection in therapy. By sharing and mirroring physical expressions, both therapist and client connect on a primal, empathetic level. “I do a lot of movement with them too; I mirror what they’re doing,” Arianne shares, highlighting how this practice fosters an environment where healing can occur not just through distance or professional detachment but through shared human experience.
3 Somatic Therapy Exercises
Arianne suggests simple exercises for those dealing with panic or pain:
Acknowledge the Sensation: Recognize the pain or panic as a signal, not an enemy. “Hello, anxiety,” she suggests as a way to acknowledge rather than fight the feeling.
Breathe Into It: Instead of breathing away from the discomfort, breathe into it, sending your breath to where you feel the pain or anxiety. “It’s about inhaling and exhaling into the sensation,” she explains.
Re-center in the Present: Remind yourself of your current safety and environment, grounding yourself back to the present moment. “You’re here, you’re okay,” she reassures.
Arianne MacBean’s journey from the stage to the therapy room highlights a beautiful synergy between art and healing. Her work underscores the potential of somatic practices in psychological therapy, offering hope and new methods for those seeking to heal from deep-seated traumas or chronic conditions through the power of their own bodies. Her approach not only transforms personal narratives but also invites everyone to rethink how we engage with our emotions and memories, fostering a space where healing is both an individual and communal journey.
Somatic therapy is a practice that connects the mind and body for healing. It offers exercises that address trauma, stress, and enhance overall well-being. The exercises are simple and many of them you can do at home. You may even already be doing them without knowing! Somatic exercises are simple practices that connect the mind and body to promote healing and relaxation.
Somatic therapy exercises, also known as somatic experiencing exercises or somatic exercises for anxiety, can be performed easily at home to manage physical sensations related to stress and trauma. Here are five exercises you can try at home to calm your body and mind today.
Quick List of Somatic Exercises
Body Spotlight: Shine an imaginary spotlight on your body to notice sensations without judgment.
Centering: Ground yourself by focusing on the floor or chair beneath you.
Breath as Anchor: Use deep, abdominal breathing to calm your nervous system.
Body Directed Movement: Move gently to release tension and connect with your body.
Dialogue with Body: Tune into your body’s sensations and ask what it needs.
What is Somatic Therapy? Understanding Mind-Body Techniques
Somatic therapy, often referred to as somatic experiencing, focuses on the body’s role in healing from trauma and stress. Developed by Dr. Peter Levine, it emphasizes bodily sensations (interoceptive, proprioceptive, and kinesthetic) to release trapped energy without directly revisiting traumatic memories. Unlike traditional talk therapy, somatic therapy works bottom-up, starting with the body to influence the mind. Studies show it effectively reduces PTSD symptoms and anxiety by mimicking natural stress release processes in the body.
Benefits of Somatic Therapy Exercises at Home for Trauma and Anxiety
Somatic exercises at home provide numerous advantages for mental and physical health:
Releases stored trauma by addressing physical sensations like tightness or discomfort.
Reduces anxiety quickly through nervous system regulation, lowering fight-or-flight responses.
Improves emotional regulation and self-awareness for better daily stress management.
Enhances mind-body connection, similar to how full somatic therapy supports trauma recovery.
Promotes relaxation and well-being without needing professional help for mild issues.
Why Practice Somatic Therapy Exercises?
Somatic exercises address the physical signs of stress and trauma that talk therapy might miss. By focusing on bodily sensations, they help release stored trauma, reduce stress, and improve emotional regulation. They foster self-awareness and provide tools for daily stress management, promoting a harmonious mind-body connection.
5 Somatic Therapy Exercises: Step-by-Step Guide
1. Body Spotlight
The body spotlight is a practice aimed at increasing awareness of where you hold emotional distress and emotional resource. By focusing on our body with attunement, we note where there is work to be done and what resources we can draw from. Begin by finding a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lie down. Close your eyes, or drop your focus inward. Notice your regular breathing pattern, and then slow it down just a tad, nothing fancy, just slow and easy. Imagine there is an interior spotlight that you can shine around your body.
Start at one end of your body and shine your spotlight around, taking in the feelings, sensations, images, and memories that pop up. Progressively move your attention through your body to the other end. As you light up each part of the interior landscape of your body, notice any sensations – tightness, warmth, tingling, pain, or comfort. Don’t judge, just acknowledge and note. This exercise can reveal areas where you might be holding stress or trauma, and where you gather strength and love, teaching you to tune into your body’s signals which often go unnoticed in daily life.
2. Centering
Centering is essential if you feel disconnected from your body or overwhelmed by emotions. It helps remind your body that you are safe, even if your emotions feel too strong. To practice, sit or stand with your feet firmly planted on the ground. Keep your eyes open and concentrate on the sensation of the ground beneath your feet – the firmness, the temperature, the texture through your shoes or socks.
If you’re sitting, feel the chair beneath you and sense where your body ends and the chair begins. Pay attention to the way the floor or chair hold and press into your body. Feel your edges. Look around the room and name the things you see. Tell yourself, “I am here. My body is OK.” Centering techniques help anchor you in the present moment, reducing anxiety and the feeling of being “out of body.” They are particularly useful for managing symptoms of PTSD or dissociation, providing a sense of safety and control over your physical environment.
For variations in somatic exercises for anxiety, try adding gentle foot movements like wiggling toes to enhance grounding.
Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy
Heal from somatic issues
Your body is struggling, and you know anxiety is the culprit. It’s difficult to calm yourself, leading to either panic attacks, IBS issues, sleep issues, or even problems connecting with others.
I help people just like you experience relief. I’m Addy Sonneland, AMFT and I provide certified somatic psychotherapy in Pasadena and throughout California.
Schedule a 15-min phone call with me to hear how I can help you reduce anxiety with somatic therapy:
Breath work in somatic therapy isn’t just about deep breathing; it’s about reconnecting with your life force. Your breath is ALWAYS there for you as a tool for regulation. It is the quickest way to calm your nervous system. To practice, find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. Place one hand on your abdomen and the other on your chest. Inhale deeply through your nose, allowing your abdomen to rise while keeping your chest relatively still. Exhale slowly through your mouth.
Focus on the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body, the rise and fall of your abdomen. If your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath. This exercise can be done anywhere and helps to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing stress levels. It’s a fundamental tool in somatic therapy for managing anxiety and panic attacks.
4. Body Directed Movement
Body directed movement encourages you to let your body lead the way, moving in ways that feel natural and releasing. This can help discharge pent-up energy and emotions stored in the body. Start in a standing position with feet shoulder-width apart. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Begin to move your body slowly, allowing it to guide the movement – sway, stretch, shake, or twist as feels right.
Pay attention to areas of tension and allow movement to flow through them. Continue for 5-10 minutes, then gradually slow down and come to a still position. Reflect on how your body feels after the exercise. This practice helps release physical tension and emotional blockages, improving flexibility both physically and emotionally. It’s particularly beneficial for those who feel stuck or repressed in their emotional expression.
5. Dialogue with Body
Dialoguing with your body involves listening to and communicating with your physical sensations as if they were messages from a wise friend. This exercise fosters a deeper understanding and compassion for your physical self. Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and scan your body for any sensations – pain, tightness, warmth, etc.
Once you identify a sensation, focus on it and ask, “What do you need right now?” or “What are you trying to tell me?” Listen for any intuitive responses – they might come as thoughts, images, or feelings. Respond with compassion, perhaps by adjusting your position or offering kind words internally. This dialogue can uncover underlying emotional needs and promote self-healing. It’s useful for developing self-compassion and addressing chronic pain or illness from a holistic perspective.
How to Build a Daily Somatic Routine at Home
Starting a somatic routine doesn’t need to be complicated. The most effective changes often begin with small, consistent steps. If you’ve already tried the exercises above, choose one or two that felt most natural and build from there. Set aside 5 to 10 minutes each morning or evening—somewhere quiet, where you can be alone with your body.
A daily routine might look like this:
Start with a few grounding breaths.
Do one somatic movement or scan.
Reflect for a minute on how you feel afterward.
Over time, this practice becomes less about “fixing” something and more about reconnecting with yourself.
Common Mistakes to Avoid With Somatic Exercises
Somatic exercises are gentle, but they can bring up strong emotions or sensations if done too quickly or without mindfulness. Here are a few common missteps to look out for:
Doing too much, too soon – These practices work best slowly and with intention.
Expecting instant relief – Somatic work often works beneath the surface first.
Forcing movements – If your body resists, it’s a signal to pause, not push.
Not checking in afterward – Reflection helps track subtle shifts and keeps you connected.
It’s okay if your practice doesn’t feel “perfect.” What matters is staying present.
Signs Your Body Is Responding to Somatic Work
How do you know if the exercises are helping? The signs may be subtle at first, but they’re meaningful. People often report:
A greater sense of calm or spaciousness after sessions
Decreased tension in the jaw, neck, or shoulders
Feeling more emotionally grounded during the day
Improved sleep quality
Being able to notice and name emotions more easily
Even if changes feel small, they often indicate deeper nervous system shifts.
Combining Somatic Exercises With Other Healing Practices
Somatic work is powerful on its own, but it also blends beautifully with other forms of healing. You might:
Pair breathwork with a body scan
Do gentle stretching or yoga before a somatic movement
Journal after exercises to explore what surfaced emotionally
Practice mindfulness to deepen body awareness throughout the day
Just make sure not to overwhelm yourself. The goal is regulation—not perfection.
Can Somatic Exercises Make Things Worse Before They Get Better?
It’s not uncommon to feel more sensitive, tired, or emotional after starting somatic work. This doesn’t mean it’s not working—it often means your body is finally softening and processing what’s been held for too long.
If this happens, try not to panic or shut down the practice entirely. Instead:
Go slower
Shorten sessions
Focus on grounding (feet on floor, deep breath, eye contact with something familiar)
If overwhelm persists, it might be a sign that support from a trained therapist could help you process things safely.
Creating a Grounding Space for Somatic Practice
You don’t need a fancy studio. A small, quiet space in your home—corner of a room, a mat on the floor, even a cushion by a window—can be enough. What matters most is how the space feels. Consider:
Dimming lights or using soft lighting
Playing calming background music or white noise
Keeping grounding objects nearby (a soft blanket, weighted item, or calming scent)
Your body is more likely to settle when your environment feels stable and predictable.
Somatic Exercises for Specific Situations (Anxiety, Sleep, Grief)
Somatic practices can be adapted based on what you’re moving through:
For anxiety: Focus on grounding movements that bring your awareness to your feet or lower body. Try pressing your feet into the ground slowly, or clenching and releasing fists.
For sleep: Gentle body scans or slow rhythmic rocking can calm the nervous system before bed. Try lying down and placing a hand on your belly to feel each breath.
For grief or emotional release: Allow for spontaneous movement—swaying, curling, or even tears. Somatic work doesn’t always look neat, but it can open space for deep emotional shifts.
Somatic Therapy vs. At-Home Exercises: When to Seek Professional Help
While somatic exercises at home are excellent for mild stress and anxiety, full somatic therapy with a professional is recommended for deep trauma or chronic issues. For more on certified somatic practices, visit somaticexperiencing.com.
Somatic Therapy at Here Counseling in Pasadena
At Here Counseling’s office in Pasadena, our therapists specialize in somatic therapy techniques to help you connect mind and body for lasting healing. Whether you’re dealing with trauma, stress, or seeking greater self-awareness, our experts guide you through personalized exercises and sessions. Discover how somatic therapy can transform your well-being – schedule a consultation today!
WE PROVIDE SOMATIC THERAPY IN PASADENA
We offer somatic therapy in Pasadena, CA to help individuals move from disconnection to embodiment. We’ve served the Pasadena area with licensed therapists for over 10 years, helping clients with somatic complaints. Stored tension and trauma can be released, and you can learn new ways to feel safe and present in your body. We have somatic therapists who can guide you toward that transformation.
The somatic approach understands that our emotions are expressed not first with words, but with our bodily state. Somatic therapy emphasizes movement and feeling over talking and thinking. We listen to the body to create safety, greater awareness, and regulation of emotions like anxiety, depression, and panic, and traumatic stress.
We are certified in somatic interventions and can help you create lasting change in your body and mind.
Julia Wilson, Trauma Therapy in PasadenaAddy Sonneland, Somatic TherapyEMDR therapist John Allan Whitacre in Pasadena with EMDR
Somatic exercises are mind-body practices that focus on bodily sensations to promote healing and relaxation. By tuning into physical feelings like tension or warmth, they help release stress and trauma, fostering a deeper connection between mind and body. These simple techniques can be done at home to enhance emotional and physical well-being.
How often should I practice somatic exercises?
You can practice somatic exercises daily or as needed to manage stress and improve well-being. Start with 5-10 minutes a day, adjusting based on your comfort and goals. Regular practice strengthens mind-body awareness, helping you stay grounded. For trauma or intense stress, combine with professional guidance for best results.
Can somatic exercises help with trauma?
Yes, somatic exercises help release trauma stored in the body by addressing physical sensations like tightness or discomfort. They promote nervous system regulation, reducing fight-or-flight responses. While effective for mild trauma, they work best alongside therapy for deeper healing, helping you process and integrate traumatic experiences safely and effectively.
What are somatic exercises for anxiety?
Somatic exercises for anxiety include grounding techniques like centering, breathwork, and body scans to calm the nervous system. These help reduce physical symptoms of anxiety by focusing on present-moment sensations rather than worrisome thoughts.
What’s the difference between somatic therapy and yoga?
Somatic therapy focuses on releasing trauma through body awareness and sensations, while yoga combines physical postures, breath, and meditation for overall well-being. Both enhance mind-body connection, but somatic therapy is more targeted for emotional healing.
In the journey of a relationship, couples therapy can be a lighthouse, guiding partners back to calm waters. However, one of the most common concerns is whether this potentially life-changing investment is financially viable, specifically, whether insurance will cover some or all of the costs. Let’s explore the nuances of insurance coverage for couples therapy, how to make the most of your insurance plan, and why investing in couples therapy might just be worth every penny.
Understanding Insurance Coverage for Couples Therapy
Traditional Health Insurance: Couples therapy is often not covered by standard health insurance plans because “relationship issues” are not classified as a medical condition. Insurance typically covers treatments for diagnosed mental health disorders, not preventive or relational counseling unless there’s a specific diagnosis at play.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs): Some employers offer EAPs, which might include short-term counseling sessions, including couples therapy. This is often limited to a few sessions but can be a starting point for addressing relationship issues.
Medicare: Medicare Part B can cover family counseling, which includes couples therapy, but there are stipulations. The counseling must be provided by a behavioral health care provider, and one partner must have a qualifying mental health condition.
Affordable Care Act (ACA): While the ACA mandates mental health coverage as an essential benefit, couples therapy isn’t usually included unless tied to a mental health diagnosis.
In-Network vs. Out-of-Network:
In-Network: If your therapist is in-network, you’ll generally pay less out-of-pocket. Coverage might include copayments or coinsurance after meeting your deductible.
Out-of-Network with PPO Plans: Preferred Provider Organization (PPO) plans offer more flexibility. You can see therapists outside your insurance network but might pay more:
Out-of-Network Benefits: Check your policy for any coverage for out-of-network providers. You might be eligible for partial reimbursement if you submit claims yourself.
Superbills: Some therapists provide a “superbill” which you can submit to your insurer for reimbursement. This document outlines the services rendered, which can be used to claim part of your expenses.
Understanding Deductibles and Coinsurance:
Deductibles: This is the amount you pay out-of-pocket before your insurance begins to cover costs. If your plan has a $1,000 deductible, you’ll need to spend this amount before insurance kicks in.
Coinsurance: After your deductible, coinsurance is the percentage of costs you’re responsible for. For example, with 20% coinsurance, if a session costs $200, you’d pay $40, and insurance would cover $160.
How to find your insurance information
Review Your Policy: Your insurance policy’s documentation should outline what mental health services are covered, including therapy. Look for sections on mental health or behavioral services.
Contact Your Insurer: Direct questions to your insurance provider. Ask about:
Coverage for marriage or couples counseling specifically.
CPT codes related to therapy (e.g., 90847 for family psychotherapy).
Deductibles, copayments, coinsurance, and any session limits.
Therapist’s Role: Discuss coverage with your potential therapist. They might have insights or can help with billing or providing superbills for reimbursement.
The Cost of NOT Investing in Couples Therapy
When couples stand at the crossroads of deciding whether to invest in therapy, the financial aspect can feel like a heavy burden. The cost of sessions can loom large, especially when finances are already stretched thin between household expenses, children’s needs, or personal debts. It’s a moment of vulnerability where the fear of spending on something that might not yield immediate results can be paralyzing. Yet, this decision is not just about the immediate outlay; it’s about investing in the future of your relationship, your emotional health, and the well-being of your family.
Consider the cost of not investing in couples therapy. Without intervention, small issues can fester into significant conflicts, potentially leading to separation or divorce. The financial implications of divorce are enormous, not just in legal fees which can run into tens of thousands of dollars, but also in the indirect costs like splitting assets, alimony, child support, and the adjustment to single-income living. Beyond the financial aspect, the emotional toll on both partners and any children involved can be immeasurable, leading to years of therapy or other healing mechanisms that might have been mitigated or avoided with timely intervention.
Moreover, the absence of professional guidance might mean enduring a strained or unhappy relationship for years, which affects not only your mental health but also your productivity at work, physical health due to stress, and the overall quality of life. The cost of living with unresolved issues can manifest in numerous ways, from missed career opportunities due to personal turmoil to health care expenses from stress-related ailments. In this light, the cost of couples therapy might seem like a drop in the ocean compared to the potential long-term expenses of not addressing relationship issues. Here’s why investing in therapy could be one of the best financial decisions you make:
Relationship Longevity: Therapy can address issues before they lead to separation or divorce, which are far more costly both emotionally and financially.
Improved Communication: Learning to communicate effectively can save countless hours of conflict and misunderstanding in the future.
Mental Health Benefits: By resolving relationship stress, individual mental health can improve, potentially reducing other healthcare costs.
Preventive Care: Like any preventive health measure, investing in relationship health can prevent more severe issues down the line.
Quality of Life: A healthier relationship contributes to better overall life satisfaction, which is priceless.
Financial Considerations:
Sliding Scale Fees: Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on income, making therapy more accessible.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: While the upfront cost might seem high, think in terms of long-term savings from avoiding divorce, legal fees, or the cost of ongoing individual therapy due to unresolved relationship issues.
Insurance Utilization: Even partial coverage can significantly reduce the financial burden, making therapy more viable.
In conclusion, while couples therapy might not always be directly covered by insurance, understanding your policy, exploring all available benefits, and considering the long-term value can make this investment worthwhile. Remember, the goal isn’t just to save money but to enrich your life through a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, take the time to explore your insurance options thoroughly, and don’t hesitate to ask for help in navigating these waters. Your relationship’s health might just be the most significant investment you make.
The recent wildfires in Los Angeles have left deep scars on our community, both physically and emotionally. Entire neighborhoods have been displaced, families have lost their homes, and the landscape we love has been transformed. But beyond the visible damage, there is an invisible toll—one that lingers in our hearts and minds long after the flames have been extinguished.
As a therapist based in LA, I have witnessed firsthand the devastation these disasters bring. I have sat with individuals in the aftermath of displacement, listened to stories of loss, and even navigated my own experiences with evacuation and uncertainty.
In times of crisis, we are often forced to ask ourselves difficult questions. As I listened to Armchair Expert, I thought Monica Padman summed these difficult questions up beautifully. “Who do I have? What do I need? And sometimes, the answer to those questions feels unbearably heavy.”
If you are struggling, please know this: You are not alone. Healing takes time, and there are compassionate resources available to help you process the emotional and psychological impact of this disaster. Whether you have been directly affected or are supporting someone who has, this guide offers support, understanding, and hope.
Understanding the Psychological Impact of Wildfires
Natural disasters trigger a cascade of emotions, many of which can feel overwhelming and unpredictable. It is normal to experience any combination of the following:
Acute Stress: Feelings of shock, confusion, and an inability to focus immediately after the event.
Grief and Loss: Losing your home, your belongings, or your sense of security can feel deeply painful, bringing up feelings of sadness, mourning, and even anger.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: The fear of another disaster can make it difficult to relax, trust, or feel safe.
Trauma and PTSD: Recurring nightmares, flashbacks, or avoidance behaviors may develop in response to the traumatic event.
Guilt: Many survivors struggle with survivor’s guilt, wondering why they were spared when others lost so much. Remember, grief is not a competition. Your pain is valid, no matter the extent of your losses.
Our brains are wired to protect us in moments of crisis, flooding us with stress hormones to help us survive. But when the danger passes, our nervous systems may struggle to recalibrate. The road to emotional recovery can be long, but acknowledging these feelings is the first step. Be gentle with yourself as your nervous system recovers from the stress.
Wildfires: Immediate Psychological First Aid
It’s difficult to know what to do in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event. Here are some key ways to support yourself and others:
Ensure Safety First: If you are comforting someone affected, offer a calm, stable presence. Let them know they are safe.
Validate Feelings: Instead of offering solutions, listen. Sometimes, simply being heard is the most powerful form of support.
Offer Practical Help: Small gestures—helping someone find shelter, food, or reconnect with loved ones—can make an enormous difference.
Encourage Connection: Trauma thrives in isolation. Encourage people to reach out to family, friends, or local support groups.
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Simply showing up with empathy and presence can provide immeasurable comfort.
Long-Term Coping Strategies & Local Resources
Once the immediate crisis has passed, it’s important to focus on long-term healing. Here are some local resources and techniques that may help:
1. Seeking Professional Support in Los Angeles
Trauma-Focused Therapy: Many LA-based therapists specialize in trauma recovery, offering therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
Community Counseling Centers: The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (LACDMH) provides free or low-cost therapy services. Call their 24/7 Help Line at 1-800-854-7771 for immediate assistance.
Local Support Groups: Organizations like the California Community Foundation and local faith-based groups offer emotional support and community gatherings for those in need.
2. Mind-Body Healing Techniques
Mindfulness & Meditation: Consider joining guided classes at InsightLA or The Mindfulness Center for relaxation and stress relief.
Yoga for Trauma Recovery: Studios like YogaWorks and Modo Yoga offer gentle, trauma-sensitive classes to help reconnect with the body.
Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing techniques can help regulate the nervous system and bring a sense of calm.
3. Rebuilding Resilience
Create a New Routine: Establishing even small daily rituals—morning tea, a walk, journaling—can provide a sense of normalcy.
Focus on Your Strengths: Reflect on past hardships you’ve overcome and remind yourself of your resilience.
Get Involved in Community Efforts: Rebuilding together fosters a sense of purpose. Consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity Greater Los Angeles or local relief organizations.
LACDMH Crisis Hotline:1-800-854-7771 (Local LA-based mental health support)
California Fire Foundation’s SAVE Program: Provides emergency financial assistance to wildfire victims.
LA Family Housing: Offers shelter and resources for displaced families.
Supporting Children & Teens Through Trauma
Children and teens process disasters differently than adults. They might have different questions about wildfires and not know how to find answers. They may experience fear, withdrawal, behavioral changes, or even physical symptoms (such as stomach aches or trouble sleeping). To support them:
Provide Reassurance: Let them know they are safe and that you are there for them.
Maintain Structure: Routines help create a sense of security.
Encourage Expression: Play, art, and storytelling allow children to process their emotions in a safe way.
Watch for Signs of Distress: If a child exhibits prolonged sadness, aggression, or regression, consider reaching out to a child therapist. The Los Angeles Unified School District offers mental health support for affected students.
Caring for Caregivers & Supporters
If you’re supporting a loved one through these wildfires, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Compassion fatigue is real, and burnout can creep in if you don’t set boundaries.
Give yourself grace. It’s okay to feel exhausted or overwhelmed.
Seek your own support. Many LA therapists specialize in counseling for caregivers and first responders.
Engage in self-care. Whether it’s movement, creative expression, or simply rest—prioritize activities that restore you.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone
Healing as a community amidst these wildfires will not be linear. There will be good days and bad days, moments of strength and moments of exhaustion. But you are not alone in this. Your pain is real, your grief is valid, and there are people who care about you.
If you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Therapy, community connection, and small daily acts of self-care can make all the difference.
Together, as a community, we will rebuild—not just our homes, but our hearts as well.
You don’t have to be a guru to do somatic work. At its core, somatic work is simply being aware of your body, and you don’t need to do anything fancy to experience its benefits. It only takes a few seconds to drop into your body, feel whatever your body is feeling, note the sensations, and then carry on with your day. Simply spending a few moments with your body’s felt experience brings you closer to your embodied self.
What does somatic mean?
The term somatic itself can be distancing because it is used mostly in academic settings and not in everyday life. The word somatic essentially means relating to the body. So, you’re doing somatic work any time you notice your body’s sensations. It’s that simple.
What is an embodied self?
An embodied self is the experience of being fundamentally connected to your physical body. The experience of an embodied self encompasses awareness of sensations, movements, and perceptions. In other words, and embodied self is a way of understanding yourself as never being separate from your physical form but rather integrated within it. The embodied YOU holds a deep sense of being present in your body and actively interacts with the world through these sensations.
Why are somatics helpful?
Somatic exercises are tools to bridge mind and body. By linking mind and body, somatics are the means toward emotional regulation, stress reduction, pain management, and general well-being. When we feel that our mind and body are working together, not fighting each other, we feel better! Somatics help us integrate our physicality and cognition, our feeling and our thinking. We can feel more dynamically whole and embodied by practicing somatics.
What somatic work can I do on my own?
Just by noticing your feet on the ground when you sit or stand is somatic work. Taking a moment to notice the rise and fall of your chest when you breath is somatic work. Feeling tightness in your neck and then rolling your shoulders around is somatic work. It really doesn’t need to be anything too complicated.
Try this somatic therapy practice
Take a minute to close your eyes or turn your focus inward. Scan the internal and external landscapes of your body. Feel the air on your skin, the clothes on you back, the way your body is in contact with the couch you’re sitting on or the floor your standing on. Send attention to any part of your body that seeks your attention. Scan your body for sensations (aches, pangs, tickles; pain, pleasure, emotion, warmth, fatigue, anything!) Notice what comes up. Acknowledge your sensations and thank them.
How can I use somatics to better know myself?
Somatics are a wonderful way to connect deeply with stored tension, pain, or destabilization that is stored in your body from past traumatic experiences or dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Working with a somatic psychotherapist can help relieve physical pain and stress, improve emotional awareness and release of trauma. In somatic psychotherapy you become more attuned to your body’s signals, develop a deeper understanding of your needs and how to respond to them with compassion.
For many, anxiety is a recurring theme, showing up every day like an overstayed house guest. You try everything to avoid the Groundhog’s Day recurrence, only it doesn’t stop. For many, the anxiety shows up unwelcomed and unforeseen through a pain in your chest, tightness, migraines, fast heartbeat, or antsy behaviors like fidgeting, pacing, angry outbursts, sleeplessness… or all of the above. Anxiety can show up:
First thing in the morning
On the drive to work
When logging off work
Going to bed
It can impact your relationships, your productivity, and keep you in a heightened state of discomfort.
A common way many people cope is to try to calm themselves. They try everything:
Change their diet
Change their sleep patterns
exercise more
track their sleep
track their steps
track their heart rate
take deep breaths, or
distract themselves.
It’s incredibly frustrating when your efforts only keep the anxiety at bay for a moment before it reemerges, like a firefighter who puts out a fire, only for the house to burst into flames the moment you roll up the hose.
Deep breathing doesn’t stop your anxiety from resurfacing
There’s a reason your anxiety keeps reemerging. The more you tamp down your anxiety, the worse it will become. It will get louder and louder. The emotional energy pushing your heart rate up, messing up your sleep, causing you to pace is much stronger and more resilient than any breathwork you can do. For many, the anxiety peaks into a panic attack, IBS issues, back pain, addiction, or relationship problems.
“Why is this? Why doesn’t the deep breathing or sleep tracking work?” People often ask. “I must not be diligent enough. I’ll double down on my tracking and be more strict about meditation.”
I see this cycle all the time in my practice. Clients treat their anxiety like a tumor they must remove, or an invasive ivy they must uproot before it takes over. It’s an aggressive metaphor in which we battle against anxiety to try to achieve peace.
Using a battle metaphor profoundly shapes the way we see the problem. In this metaphor, anxiety acts as a villain we need to defeat.
There’s a historical reason some people use a battle metaphor to understand their anxiety.
Early experiences impact your perspective on anxiety
This isn’t your first time handling anxiety, not by a long shot.
Your first time handling anxiety was when you were a baby. You’d cry, you’d get scared, and you learned a certain way to manage yourself in tandem with your caregivers. For some, they learned an aggressive way to handle anxiety – called avoidant attachment.
These children learned that when in distress, it was their crying that was the main problem to be fixed. “Stop crying or else something bad will happen” was the message reverberating in their minds. Instead of focusing on solving the larger reason for their tears, their parents focused on turning off the tears.
This strategy teaches a child that their cries aren’t actually useful for solving a problem. They learn to see their cries as unhelpful and disgusting to others, not as signals that something is needing attention.
The kid with a splinter who cries out and is dismissed may end up with an infected toe.
The boy who bites their lip to keep from crying when they’ve been rejected at school may fail to elicit their parent’s support to make new friends.
The young adult who learns to silence their own cries after being unfairly treated by a partner will lock themselves into a hellish relationship.
The adult who silences their anxiety may be completely unaware of the ways their life is needing care and mending.
Instead of deep breathing, reframe your perspective on anxiety
Anxiety is not the villain. It’s actually the signal that will point you toward healing.
I’m aware how that sounds: woo-woo, therapy speak, lofty. But consider it with me for a minute. The reason tamping down a fire alarm doesn’t work is because when there’s smoke, the fire alarm will sound – it’s doing its job to point you toward the fire.
Anxiety is a signal. It’s fear. It’s telling you you’re feeling unsafe where you are. If we even make this small shift, what starts to come into focus? Why might you feel unsafe? What might feel threatened or fragile or lost in your life?
Take a moment to think on these questions.
Sometimes the answer is immediately apparent: a current relationship, or work stress, or direct worries about finances or job stability. Other times the worry is less apparent: There’s a sense of instability, but you can’t pin it on your current situation. Our minds are incredibly intuitive. Most of the time, our fear response precedes our rational mind. Anniversaries of difficult moments, reaching the age our parents were when a major crisis hit, our own kids reminding us of past trauma, our friends’ situations reminding us of our own pain that needs attention.
Instead of deep breathing, cultivate curiosity about where your anxiety is leading you
Curiosity is the right stance. You want to be in an open, curious stance toward your anxiety, as this will lead you toward security and healing.
In fact, you want more than to constantly combat and suppress your anxiety. You want more than constant vigilance about your anxiety. Not only does it not work – it’s overwhelming and frustrating. What you really want is security. Here’s what that looks like:
Secure People Identify Their Pain
Secure people are adept at recognizing when something isn’t right. They don’t see pain as an enemy but as information. They notice the signs of anxiety not as failures but as prompts to dive deeper into what might be causing distress.
Secure People Soothe Themselves
Instead of suppressing their feelings, secure individuals learn self-soothing techniques. This process is something natural to our nervous system. Secure people develop a calming internal presence that reassures them of their value and their safety.
Secure People Ask for Help
Understanding that no one can manage everything alone, secure people reach out for support when needed. This could mean talking to friends, consulting with therapists, or joining support groups where they can share and learn from others’ experiences. On a more immediate level, they express what they feel and get support then needed.
Secure People Create a Plan
Once they understand their anxiety, secure individuals take proactive steps. They don’t just name their feelings and move on. Instead, they listen to their anxiety as feedback about things that might need to change, they set expectations in relationships and work, they plan breaks and self-care activities, and they confront conflicts directly to get resolution. All in all, they listen to their feelings to help them discern a plan for enhancing overall life satisfaction.
Secure People Help Others
Finally, secure people often extend their understanding and skills to help others. By sharing what they’ve learned, they contribute to a community of support, teaching others how to navigate their own anxieties. This not only helps others but reinforces their own sense of security and belonging.
Anxiety will lead you toward health
Instead of treating anxiety like it’s some intruder to be expelled, and suppressing it with deep breathing, let’s consider it more like that annoying alarm clock that never seems to let you snooze. It’s irritating, yes, but it’s also trying to wake you up to something important. It’s time we stop fighting the signal and start listening to what it’s got to say.
So, when anxiety next comes knocking, don’t immediately reach for the bolt. Maybe sit with it for a bit, hear it out. You might just discover that what you thought was an enemy is actually your mind’s way of telling you where you need to look next for healing.
Wrestling with the urge to please others can lead you to say yes when you often want to say no. Whether it’s a boss who overlooks your limits or a partner whose disappointment feels unbearable, many people feel pressured to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. This tendency is rooted in a desire for approval, fear of rejection, and conflict avoidance. While it may seem minor, people-pleasing can heighten anxiety, lead to burnout, and foster resentment in relationships.
As a therapist, I’ve seen how chronic people-pleasing can erode self-esteem, create burnout, and lead to resentment. The good news? You can break free from this cycle. Here’s a guide to understanding and overcoming people-pleasing, so you can reclaim your voice and live authentically.
People-Pleasing is a survival strategy
At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. It often stems from childhood experiences where approval and compliance were necessary for safety, love, or acceptance. You may have learned that in stressful situations, your family needed you to be the rescuer/caretaker of the family. Over time, this behavior can solidify into a belief that your worth is tied to how much you can give or how well you can meet others’ expectations.
You may have received recognition or continue to receive praise for your people-pleasing tendencies. You might be known in your community as “a selfless giver” or as the friend who is available “day and night.” While these qualities may appear admirable, they often come at the expense of your well-being, personal boundaries, and authentic self.
People-pleasing can cause a painful cycle of over-accommodating people you are in relationships with. This can lead to resentment toward your partner and an inability to state your needs in the relationship.
Signs of people-pleasing:
Difficulty saying no – You feel guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
Constantly seeking approval – Your self-worth depends on others’ validation.
Avoiding conflict at all costs – You prioritize peace over expressing your true feelings.
Overcommitting – You stretch yourself too thin to meet others’ needs.
Neglecting your needs – Your desires and well-being take a backseat.
The Cost of People-pleasing
While accommodating others may feel rewarding in the short term, the long-term impact can be detrimental. Chronic people-pleasing can lead to:
Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Suppressed anger or resentment
A weakened sense of self
Strained relationships due to unspoken needs and expectations
It is fascinating to me that the very thing we get external validation for is also the thing that leads to further hurt and strain in our relationships. In your need to accommodate other people’s needs and feelings, you end up missing one of the most powerful elements of relationships: reciprocity. Breaking free starts with recognizing these costs and making a conscious choice to prioritize your well-being.
Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Understand Your Triggers Reflect on situations that prompt people-pleasing. Is it fear of rejection? A need for control? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs Replace thoughts like “I must make everyone happy” with affirmations such as “My needs are valid, too.”
Practice Saying No Start small. Politely decline requests that overextend you. For example, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Set Clear Boundaries Identify your limits and communicate them assertively. Remember, boundaries are not about pushing others away but protecting your energy.
Embrace Discomfort Saying no or setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable initially. Lean into this discomfort as a sign of growth.
Reprioritize Yourself Regularly ask, “What do I need right now?” and honor the answer, even if it means disappointing others.
Seek Support Share your journey with trusted friends, a support group, or a therapist. External validation can reinforce your progress.
For Every Giver there is a Taker
A lot of people-pleasers experience a relationship in their childhood where they were asked to give up their needs in pursuit of meeting another person’s needs. This relationship creates an imbalance, leading you to suppress your needs because you believe they are burdensome to others.
In many relationships, especially those involving a people-pleaser, there can be an unhealthy dynamic where one party takes more than they give. Individuals who have unmet attachment needs might rely on others to fulfill them without recognizing the emotional labor or contributions of those they rely on. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where the people-pleaser feels compelled to constantly accommodate the other person’s desires, often at the expense of their own well-being.
This cycle becomes detrimental over time. The people-pleaser may feel overwhelmed and depleted, while the other individual remains unaware or indifferent to the imbalance. The people-pleaser must take a step back and evaluate this dynamic. Having an open and honest conversation about the relationship’s dynamics is vital. They should express their feelings and concerns, emphasizing the need for mutual recognition and support.
A helpful experiment to gauge the relationship’s strength is to begin asserting personal needs more clearly—especially by saying “no” when it’s necessary. Observing the response to this shift can provide insights into how the other person values the relationship. If they react positively and start to accommodate your needs as well, it might indicate a healthy foundation. Conversely, if they respond negatively or attempt to manipulate you back into your previous accommodating role, it can signal that the relationship may not be as balanced or sustainable as desired. Prioritizing one’s own needs is essential in any relationship, as it fosters mutual respect and emotional health for both individuals involved.
Strive for Reciprocal Relationships
One of the most beautiful aspects of relationships is reciprocity, where both partners are acknowledged for their needs. In a reciprocal relationship, each values the other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires, creating a balanced dynamic that fosters understanding and support. This mutual recognition not only strengthens the bond between partners but also enhances their ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Ultimately, reciprocity ensures that both individuals feel seen and appreciated, allowing the relationship to flourish in a nurturing environment.
Setting boundaries is another key aspect. Establishing limits on what one is willing to give can create space for both individuals to communicate their needs more effectively. It also fosters a healthier exchange of support and care.
These sorts of changes take time. Systems, habits, and relational patterns are hard to recorrect. If efforts to address the dynamic in your relationships don’t lead to any improvement, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship’s viability. Ending a relationship is never easy, but if it consistently undermines one’s self-worth and happiness, it might be the best course of action.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish; it’s about becoming self-aware and self-compassionate. As you practice prioritizing your needs, you’ll find that your relationships deepen and your sense of self strengthens. Over time, you’ll discover the freedom and joy of living authentically.
Your Worth is Measured by Reciprocity
Your worth is not measured by how much you do for others, it’s measured by your ability to honor yourself while building relationships rooted in mutual respect and reciprocity. Take small, consistent steps toward reclaiming your voice—you deserve it.
Are you feeling burnt out in your relationships, struggling with anger or resentment, or finding it hard to navigate strained connections due to people pleasing? Your needs are worth the time and space in therapy. Reach out now to schedule a call with me and start your journey toward healing.
