Managing emotions

Stay or Go? How to Make the Best Choice in your Relationship.

Written by McKenzie Laird

Should I stay in my relationship? This question often haunts us when we’re feeling unclear about how well a relationship is serving our needs. Making a difficult choice can be an uncomfortable experience. We lose sleep, consult others incessantly, and list endless pros and cons to arrive at the right decision. We stress, realizing that we bear the responsibility for our choice. Even more, we feel guilt and shame for feeling unclear of our intentions towards someone or something else, and the impact our paralysis has on others.

What you’re feeling is ambivalence: Two conflicting feelings that creates an uncomfortable tension, like a tug-o-war. Oftentimes, ambivalence visits us in our relationships or in making a big decision.

When we have good reason to both stay and to go, how do we get out of ambivalence and choose?

4 Reasons We Struggle to Choose Whether to Stay in Your Relationship

1. Wondering to Stay in Your Relationship or Go Is A Valid Response to Having Multiple Needs In Conflict.  

When a decision feels like choosing between two equally important needs, its normal to feel stuck and unable to decide. For example, we may feel dissatisfied with a job offering us no room to advance, and yet feel secure receiving the consistent paycheck each month this same job offers. The need for growth and security may feel equally important, and therefore we’re ambivalent about our job; one need is met by staying, while the other could be met by leaving.

2. I’m Not Ready to Make a Change, Just Yet 

Sometimes, we can acknowledge a desire, such as experiencing a committed romantic relationship. However, expressing this desire isn’t yet worth to us the disruption to our current relationship, where the desire for commitment isn’t mutual. As a result, we experience ambivalence within the relationship. We feel ambivalent about our circumstances until the motivation to change them outweighs our desire to stay the same.  Check and see if you ask yourself the following questions:

Are there downsides to making this change?

Are there things I like about staying the same?

If so, there may be not enough to sway you at this time to make a choice. We often experience ambivalence as a result.

3. I Don’t Believe Change is Possible

Sometimes, we don’t really believe we can have what we want, so we prevent ourselves from taking action in the direction of our truest desire. It can be difficult to make a choice if our desire is strong, yet we just can’t choose it out of fear. Fear of the unknown, of failure, of loss. Check and see if you ask yourself the following questions:

Is it difficult to prioritize this change due to time, money, or resources?

Am I hesitant because I’ve tried this change in the past and it was unsuccessful?

4. Ambivalence Is Modeled in Early Attachment 

Our connection with our earliest caregivers has a large impact on how ambivalence shows up in our relationships later in life. Adult attachment is often related to the emotional closeness and consistency experienced in our younger years with a caregiver.

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How to Make a Choice When You’re Ambivalent to stay in your relationship

1. Accept That All Change is Grief.

Making choices is hard, because with every decision something is gained, while at the same time, something is lost. If we leave our current job, we lose our current job. When we consider the fact that there’s no other outcome than to risk losing something we have for hopes of something better, change can elicit real feelings of sadness and disappointment in the outcome we’d hoped for but didn’t get. The change, even if a positive one, comes with grief – despite all the ways staying the same can also cause us distress. Likewise, you may conclude that you’re committed to keeping the job you have, despite its challenges. While staying may be the right decision for you, there’s real grief from allowing other opportunities to pass as you invest in the one you’ve chosen.

2. Clarify Your Values to Make a Choice

When our needs compete, we can use our own values as a framework to help make a choice. Reflect on who you wish to become. Does the person you’re becoming value growth? Authenticity? Integrity? Loyalty? And, if you were to really sit with it, how would you prioritize your values? For instance, clarifying that you value authenticity over loyalty, even just slightly, creates a pathway toward resolving ambivalence; Your values act as a compass guiding you in the direction that’s closest to who you want to be. This way, even our most ambivalent relationships and circumstances can be reorganized to align with the life that feels congruent within us.

3. Normalize Ambivalence as a Part of Making Big Changes.

Although it may feel confusing and wrong, ambivalence is a normal experience we have when we’re deciding whether to undergo a significant change. The next time you feel the inner tension between staying or going, take comfort in knowing there’s a part of you trying bring all of your needs to your attention. When we accept our ambivalence, we can get curious about the information it has to tell us about our needs, values, and desires.

4. Choose Your Pain.

“We must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” – Jim Rohn

Entrepreneur Jim Rohn knowingly said that we “must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” While we don’t always get to choose whether or not we’ll experience pain, there’s often a choice in what type of pain we endure. For instance, we can choose the pain and consequences of leaving, staying, accepting, declining, avoiding, isolating, acquiescing, delaying, or changing. But the consequences and pain associated with making any decision is part of being human, and is here to stay. The good news? We can grow the capacity to tolerate and move through the pains associated with decision making.

5. Recognize That Ambivalence Is A Choice.

Despite feeling paralyzed and stuck, we can choose to remain in or resolve our ambivalence. Consequently, remaining ambivalent is a choice to stay in something that Northhampton Couple’s therapy calls too good to leave, but too bad to stay in relationship. When we live too long in ambivalence, it can cause problems in our lives, such as eroding the trust in our relationships.

6. Make a Choice to Reach Out

Ambivalence doesn’t need to define your relationships or decisions. Seek out guidance to help you align life’s inevitable decisions with you’re personal values. I help others identify and resolve their emotional ambivalence so they can lead lives of greater freedom and safety.

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How to Best Help Your Husband Overcome Emotional Avoidance

Written by Jake Maxwell

It’s heartbreaking when you can’t reach your partner on an emotional level. You want to help your husband overcome emotional avoidance, but you feel loneliness and confusion, watching them shut down during important conversations or avoid talking about their feelings. You might find yourself feeling helpless, wondering why they seem distant.

For him, the experience may be just as confusing and overwhelming. He might feel a tight knot of anxiety in his chest at the mere thought of discussing his emotions. Avoiding these conversations feels like a way to stay safe, protect himself, or maintain peace. Yet, deep down, he may feel trapped between the fear of vulnerability and the desire to connect with you. This emotional avoidance can end up with both of you feeling disconnected and frustrated.

Encouraging your husband to address his emotional avoidance and consider therapy can help break down these walls. This blog explores why emotional avoidance happens and offers practical steps to encourage emotional openness in your relationship.

Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Emotional Avoidance

What Does Avoidance Look Like in Men?

Emotional avoidance occurs when someone actively tries to avoid feeling or discussing difficult emotions. This can be a way of coping with uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, or vulnerability. For some, it might mean avoiding conversations that could lead to conflict, while for others, it might mean shutting down emotionally during tense moments.

Can I Help My Husband Overcome Emotional Avoidance?

Yes. It’s important to understand that emotional avoidance often stems from underlying fears – fear of vulnerability, fear of rejection, or fear of being judged. It can also be a learned behavior, especially if someone grew up in an environment where emotions were not openly discussed or were dismissed. Societal norms that pressure men to “be strong” or “not show weakness” can make it harder for some husbands to express their emotions openly. Starting to sound like your husband?

How Emotional Avoidance Impacts Relationships

Strained Communication

When one partner consistently avoids discussing emotions, it creates a barrier to honest communication. This can lead to misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts, and a lack of trust, as one partner feels unheard or unsupported.

Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Emotional avoidance prevents couples from connecting on a deeper level. When genuine emotions are not expressed, the relationship can feel shallow, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled and disconnected.

Cycles of Distance

Avoidance can create a cycle where one partner pulls away, leading the other to feel rejected or frustrated. This dynamic often repeats, creating a growing emotional distance that is difficult to bridge.

Strategies to Help Your Husband Overcome Emotional Avoidance

Create Safety & Model Openness f

Make it clear that your relationship is a safe space for expressing emotions without judgment. Encourage him to share his feelings and listen actively without interrupting or offering solutions right away. Be open about your own emotions and experiences as a way to model vulnerability and openness. Sharing your feelings can encourage him to do the same, making emotional conversations feel more natural.

Be Patient With Your Husband’s Emotional Avoidance

Overcoming emotional avoidance is a process that takes time. Be patient and recognize that everyone’s journey toward emotional openness looks different. Celebrate small wins and progress, and avoid pressuring him to change overnight.

Gently Introduce the Idea of Therapy

Sometimes having a trained professional can help men to feel comfortable broaching what feels like a very sensitive and overwhelming experience. Suggest that he consider trying therapy to help explore and understand his emotions. Therapy can provide a safe space for processing feelings and gaining insight into what might be driving avoidance.

Encourage Therapy For Your Husband to Process Emotional Avoidance

Approach the Conversation with Empathy

When discussing therapy or emotional issues, it’s important to approach the topic with empathy. Express your concern for his well-being and the relationship, rather than framing the conversation as criticism. Use “I” statements like, “I feel concerned about how distant we’ve been” rather than “You never talk about your feelings.”

Therapy As A Tool for Your Husband to Overcome Emotional Avoidance

Emphasize that therapy isn’t about finding fault but about understanding oneself better and learning to connect more deeply. Discuss how therapy can provide valuable tools for navigating emotions, reducing stress, and improving communication.

Normalize Therapy

Normalize the idea of therapy by discussing it in a positive light. You can share examples of friends, public figures, or even your own experiences where therapy has been helpful. Positioning therapy as a proactive, strong choice rather than a weak last resort can make it more approachable.

Conclusion

Emotional avoidance can create barriers to connection and intimacy in relationships, but there are ways to encourage your husband to open up and even consider therapy. By approaching the topic with empathy, framing therapy as a tool for growth, and creating a safe space for emotional expression, you can help him feel more comfortable confronting his emotions. Overcoming emotional avoidance is a journey.

I can help you work towards building a deeper and more fulfilling connection. Reach out today.

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Communication 101 for Couples: How to communicate better

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Effective communication is vital for couples to feel connected and understood. Yet, many partners struggle with this, especially when life gets busy or the relationship feels stuck in a rut. This article shares essential communication skills, practical steps, and common pitfalls to help you and your partner communicate better. By fostering curiosity and using these strategies, you can strengthen your bond and create a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Why Communication Skills Matter in Relationships

Communication skills is one of the main issues that prevent partners from feeling an overall connection to one another. Many couples want to communicate better but find it difficult when they are managing busy lives or not having time to ask each other the questions they used to while dating. When you are feeling disconnected from your partner, it can be really difficult to maintain a level of curiosity about their lives.

How the two of you are interacting in a relationship can feel like an endless pattern that makes you feel trapped. We know that this can’t be the only way to relate, but partners often feel helpless about where to begin when they have gone months or even years feeling disconnected. 

Top Communication Skills for Couples

To build a strong foundation, couples need to master a few key communication skills. These skills help you understand each other better and navigate challenges with empathy and respect. Here are five essential skills every couple should practice:

  1. Active Listening: Listen without interrupting. Show you’re engaged by nodding or restating what your partner says (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed”).
  2. Expressing Emotions Clearly: Use “I” statements to share your feelings (e.g., “I feel stressed”) instead of blaming (e.g., “You always ignore me”).
  3. Asking Curious Questions: Spark deeper conversations with open-ended questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
  4. Reading Nonverbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and facial expressions to understand unspoken emotions.
  5. Making Time to Connect: Set aside intentional time each week—like a walk or coffee date—to talk without distractions.

Yet today we’re going to explore one larger communication skill for couples that underlies these 5 communication skills: curiosity. The saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat” but today we will explore how simple curiosity can be the fuel for connection in your marriage.

After reading an article from the New York Times titled: The Midlife Marriage Tuneup I felt inspired to write about three questions that can help you communicate better with your partner. My hope is that this can be especially helpful  if it has been hard for you or your partner  to be curious about each other. 

How can curiosity help you communicate better with your partner? 

When life feels really difficult and stressful, it can be hard to slow down and hear about your partner in a deeper way. Curious questions can spark deep conversations that can lead to a deeper connection and appreciation for your partner. This curiosity helps each partner communicate better by allowing each person to feel heard and seen.

I would highly recommend carving out an intentional space in your week to discuss these questions with your partner. Ask your partner if they would like to get coffee, or dinner, or go on a walk. This space can offer each of you the opportunity to find connection in an intimate way, without the demands of life knocking at your door. 

3 Questions to Build Curiosity and Foster Communication Skills

1. What is your “current location?”: Communicate better by asking how your partner feels in the moment

First off, no this does not mean asking your partner to share their location on their phone. I know this sounds confusing already and you may even be asking yourself how this question makes sense in a relationship. However, just like it is important to know someone’s address when you are traveling to their house, it is essential to know what your partner is feeling when you go into a conversation with them. 

 My mentors in couples therapy, Nick and Renee Fouts, developed this question to help couples locate each other’s emotions like they are looking at each other with a map. The idea being that once you know where each partner is located, you are better able to meet them where they are at. This sort of curious questioning leads to a deeper understanding of what our partner is going through, and can help us know what our partner may need in the moment. If this question doesn’t land, it might be easier to ask “what are you feeling in this moment?” or “what are the good and bad parts of your day that you would like to share?” 

2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, and why?

It can be very difficult to talk about dreams with your partner when you are feeling surrounded by the demands of life. Once the honeymoon phase fades, talking about dreams can feel daunting or even wasteful, as the demands of life increase. 

Sharing each other’s dreams can be a great way for couples to see where they may align in shared interests or goals. This sort of connection can lead to a renewed sense of optimism, and it also allows space for couples to see where they are different as well. You can even take time to ask how each of you can support one another better in their goals. 

3. What are your needs right now? 

Finding alignment in how your partnership can improve is always difficult. It is very difficult to strike a balance between being emotionally honest and pushing a partner away. If both of you feel like you are giving each other the opportunity to share however, this question can lead to a lot of understanding between how each partner shows up in the relationship. It can also help both of you see the difference between the needs a partner has control over and a need that a partner does not have control over. 

Take this need for example: “I just need my work to be less stressful.” As a partner, you have very little control over whether work is more or less stressful, but now you have a look into what struggles they are thinking about on a daily basis, and it can help lead to further connection when you seem them stressed or feel like they are being distant. 

An example of a need a partner could say that another partner might have control over is “I just need more support around the home.” This need can be expressed in a variety of ways. It is important to remember that as the partner who is hearing this it is typically coming from the other person being overwhelmed by the demands of life. You do have control over this scenario, but their feelings are informing their need. Use this space as an opportunity to hear more about their feelings, do not try to quickly defend yourself or come up with quick solutions. 

Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

Even with the best intentions, couples often fall into communication traps that create distance. Here are five common mistakes and how to avoid them:

  • Mistake: Interrupting during conversations.
    Solution: Wait for your partner to finish, showing respect for their thoughts.
  • Mistake: Assuming their feelings or thoughts.
    Solution: Ask questions like “What’s your current location?” to confirm where they’re at emotionally.
  • Mistake: Avoiding tough topics.
    Solution: Address issues directly but gently, using curiosity to guide the talk.
  • Mistake: Trying to “win” disagreements.
    Solution: Focus on understanding each other, not proving a point.
  • Mistake: Ignoring nonverbal signals.
    Solution: Watch for tone or body language to catch unspoken emotions.

By recognizing and addressing these mistakes, you can prevent misunderstandings and keep your communication healthy.

FAQ: Communication Skills for Couples

Here are quick answers to common questions about improving communication in relationships:

  • How can couples improve their communication?
    Couples can improve by asking curious questions, listening actively, and setting aside distraction-free time to talk, like during a walk or coffee date.
  • What are effective communication skills for couples?
    Effective skills include using “I” statements, asking questions like “What are your needs right now?”, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.
  • Why does curiosity matter in couple communication?
    Curiosity helps partners understand each other deeply, fostering connection by encouraging honest, judgment-free conversations.

Ask with curiosity for deeper connection: Communicate better today.

Remember to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind, creating a safe and non-judgmental space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Through these conversations, couples can strengthen their bond and cultivate a deeper level of intimacy. By actively listening to each other’s responses, couples can deepen their understanding and empathy, leading to a stronger and more connected relationship. I believe that each couple is capable of deeper curiosity about their partner, schedule a consultation call with me today if you would like to uncover what deeper connection can look like in couples therapy. 

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How to Make Your Apologies Work

Written by McKenzie Laird

You’ve taken the opportunity to say you’re sorry to your spouse after forgetting that important event of theirs, yet it almost seems to have made things worse. Having just made yourself vulnerable, you’re now also confused why trying to own your oversight has now caused an even bigger rupture. You know it’s a long life and you’re not perfect, and want more than anything to be able to effectively do something about when you’ve messed up and hurt someone you love.

If you look at today’s flower industry, offering good apologies has become a major business. You can choose from endless options of thoughtful apology notes to send to those we’ve hurt. This begs the question, how do we know what someone else needs to hear in order to feel like an apology is real?

Can You Speak the Language of Apologies?

We’ve likely heard of the 5 Love Languages of gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch from by Dr. Gary Chapman. But have you ever considered what your apology language might be? Take how the 5 love languages offer us a framework for how we give and receive love. Apologies are also expressed and received differently between people. The way we give and receive apologies can have a big impact on the quality and longevity of our relationships.

The 5 Apology Languages

We’ve all developed a sense for whether an apology is meaningful to us or not. This process for us typically forms out of our lived experience. This means that no two people have the same experience when it comes giving or getting an apology. Here are 5 common types needed in relationships.

 
1. Making Restitution

This form of apology is for someone that may never take simply hearing the words “I’m sorry” as a real apology. This person needs to hear you clearly explain how your actions had a negative impact; they need to know that you understand why your actions were wrong, unjust, or harmful. They also long to hear that you still love or appreciate them, even though you hurt them. 

2. Expressing Regret

Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” is all that someone needs to feel a genuine apology. For this person, it gets right to the point. This apology is paired best with reflecting your remorse through body language. Depending on one’s culture, this might include gestures such as eye contact or a gentle touch while speaking. 

3. Planning Change

Some people need your words paired with a clear action step to see that the hurt won’t be caused again in the future. However, change is hard, and doesn’t happen overnight. Taking small steps to change demonstrates a track record to others for lasting, effective change. 

4. Accepting Responsibility 

For many people, if the person apologizing can’t admit fault, then they won’t see the apology as genuine. This being said, it’s truly difficult for some people to admit they’ve made a mistake or have hurt someone else. If this may be the case for you, it might be worth considering whether admitting to a shortcoming is what your loved one needs to consider your apology.

5. Requesting Forgiveness 

Some people feel an apology is effective if the person who caused them harm asks them for forgiveness. This is because requesting forgiveness cannot be demanded; it can only be offered by choice. As a result, asking for forgiveness is a vulnerable act that risks rejection. When someone chooses to ask another for forgiveness, just the willingness to ask may be enough for a person to regain trust in the other.


3 Steps to Effective Apologies  

1. Uncover The Apology Needed

Webster’s Dictionary defines an apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy”, or “an expression of regret”. These are both apologies, yet they’re two very different things. As a result, we may give a genuine apology, but it isn’t the kind of apology that feels healing to the other person. For example, we can admit an error, yet the other person doesn’t believe we made a true apology. Likewise, expressing how poorly you feel about causing them pain will work for another person in the apology process.

2. Release the Outcome of Apologizing

Once understanding the diversity in how people determine what’s a real apology, it’s important to let go of the outcome. While providing the right apology is the first step towards reconciliation, even the best apology can’t determine that reconciliation between two people occurs. Each person in a relationship has a choice in deciding whether they wish to restore what’s been broken. Consequently, making peace with the idea that an apology doesn’t always mean reconciliation will help you to adjust your expectations. In this way, we can experience greater freedom in life by knowing that it is always possible to offer a true apology, even if we don’t have full control over the outcome.

3. Know Your Own Apology Needs

An important part of knowing how to apologize to others is to understand what kind of apology we ourselves need to feel we can continue to experience trust in the relationship. Here are some practical exercises to help you master the art of apologizing. 

Reflect on Past Apologies

One helpful way to increase our mastery of apologies is journalling about the best or worst apology you’ve ever received. How did this apology make you feel? Did you really like that they showed you their feelings of regret for what they caused? Or maybe they instead asked you what they could do immediately to make it better? Alternatively, consider how someone in our past offered an apology that added to the hurt instead of alleviating it. Once we understand our own needs in an apology, it becomes easier to provide more sincere and effective apologies to others in our lives. 

Discover the Apology Language of Those in Your Life

Just as writing about your own experiences with apologizing can help you to understand the apology process, so can asking the people you’re closest to about their experiences. This doesn’t have to be in a moment of conflict. Actually it works great to learn these important details about your friends and family in periods of peace and positive relating. Try finding a moment over coffee or during your next outing to ask your loved ones about their definition of a good apology.

Reach Out 

Connect with someone who can support you in understanding your unique relational patterns with work, friends, and family. I help people strengthen their relationships so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom.

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How To Know Your Feelings: 5 Steps to Emotional Intelligence

Written by McKenzie Laird

Emotional intelligence is crucial for our mental and relational health.

Sometimes you worry that your mood changes at the drop of a hat. A family member asks you a question that catches you off guard, and you yell. Some time afterward, you realize that their question was pretty reasonable, and that the yelling may have been an overreaction. You start to add up all the times, even over the past week, in which you had a short fuse. You feel bad at how it impacts your relationships. Yet you know telling yourself to “stop it” only goes so far. What’s going on here?

Our ability to navigate relationships and reactions well involves a self-reflective skill called emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to notice what you’re feeling so you can manage it in a healthy way. Can you describe the difference between feeling:

  • stressed vs. overwhelmed?
  • frustrated vs. irritated?
  • angry vs. disappointed?

In this blog, you’re going to learn how to pinpoint with accuracy what’s going on inside you at any given moment. By practicing this set of skills, you’ll be able to make better choices for yourself and relationships with others.

Here’s how to breakdown pinpointing your emotions.

RULER: An Acronym for Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is a common term used to describe the awareness of one’s emotions. However, the way emotional intelligence is frequently discussed is often not the way it really is. According to emotions expert Dr. Marc Brackett, emotional intelligence is better understood as a set of skills. He uses the acronym RULER to describe these skills.

Understanding Emotions with RULER

R: Recognizing Feelings

The R in RULER stands for Recognizing emotions in oneself and others.

Have you ever tried reading someone’s facial expression as a clue to know they’re feelings about what you just said? What about providing an accurate answer to the question, “how’re you feeling today?” These are common scenarios in which recognizing emotions ourselves and in others become important to effective communication.

Start with the Energy and Pleasantness of How You Feel

In addition to RULER, Dr. Brackett shares the following tool called the Mood Meter from the Yale Center of Emotional Intelligence to help us differentiate emotions that may seem generally similar to one another.

Energy and Pleasantness

Can you locate the general sense of how high or low energy you feel right now? That’s often easier in the moment than recalling a nuanced emotion word, at first. How about the general sense of how pleasant or unpleasant you’re feeling? With the mood meter, you start with the general sensation of how you’re feeling and differentiate from there. For example, you may readily identify that you’re feeling lower energy and a moderate pleasantness. As a result, you’re able to determine with greater accuracy that you’re feeling relaxed in the moment.


U: Understanding Feelings

The U in RULER stands for Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions.

“Is this person interested in what I’m saying?” “Am I bored?” Once you’re able to recognize emotions in yourself and others, you’re next able to get curious about why someone feels the way they do. As a result, we can decide how to best connect to them in the present moment.

Differentiation Between Similar Feelings

One common conception about our emotions is that many emotion words are actually just describing the same generic feeling.

According to Dr. Brackett, when we’re able to differentiate between emotion states, then we’re able to pick a strategy that works best for that situation. For example, if you’re uncertain about the future, a breathing exercise may not help you. However, a cognitive strategy such as challenging a negative thought might be of assistance. On the other hand, if you’re actually overwhelmed, a breathing strategy such as box breathing may be the best strategy for the moment.

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4 Commonly Confused Feelings

When we misdiagnose what we’re feeling, we’re unable to fully know the best strategy to cope with it. Here’s 4 common emotions commonly confused for the others.

Anxiety: Uncertainty about the future.

Stress: Distress from too many demands and not enough resources.

Overwhelm: Saturation with so much stimulus that you’re unsure of what’s happening. 

Fear: The belief that someone or something is dangerous, painful, or threatening.

L: Labeling Feelings

The L in RULER stands for Labeling emotions using a nuanced vocabulary.

Describing our emotions using precise words. Consider the things that make you feel peeved versus irritated versus enraged. While everyone may feel emotions differently in their body, it’s important to have a rich vocabulary for the precise emotion we’re feeling. This is because without it, we can’t really communicate effectively about our specific experience. When there’s a common language of emotion within a community, we can communicate about these emotions in a way we can understand. 

Granularity Within A Feeling

Just as distinguishing between two emotions helps us to determine what to do next, so does being able to distinguish between different shades of the same emotion category. Take for instance, anger. Are you outraged about a deep injustice? Or are you only mildly annoyed from someone changing lanes with no signal during traffic? Often times, knowing the degree to which we’re feeling an emotion can help us even better select what we choose to do with our emotions. When our behavior choices are disproportionate to the emotion felt, it may be time to get curious about why that is. We can learn how to make different choices based on the granularity of our anger, sadness, or fear.

Differentiation: Distinctions Between Emotions

Granularity: Nuance Within An Emotion

E: Expressing Feelings

The E in RULER stands for Expressing emotions in accordance with cultural norms and social context.

We have to know how we feel. This is because when we know how we feel, we can decide what we want to do with those feelings instead of letting them determine our behavior by default. Knowing how and when to express emotions with different people across contexts and culture provides us the opportunity to effectively communicate with the people around us. As a result, we more readily achieve the outcomes we want in our interactions with others. And, in effect, other people can more clearly and readily see us, hear us, and know us. A great first step to practicing expressing emotions is to share your feelings daily with trusted others using a nuanced set of emotion words.


R: Regulating Feelings

The final R in RULER stands for Regulating Emotions with helpful strategies.

Any emotion on average, visits for around 90 seconds. Consequently, this helps us to know we can effectively manage any emotion, no matter how overwhelming it can be. Once we’re open to expressing our emotions, using helpful strategies can help us ride the wave of our emotions instead of the wave riding us. Some of these helpful strategies can include specific acts of self compassion, self-soothing, positive distractions, and physical movement.

Start Growing Emotional Intelligence Today

I help people start recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating their emotions by providing guidance and support.

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Can’t stop fighting? Here are the two ways partners fight, and how to stop.

Written by John Allan Whitacre

It wasn’t like this before, but now you feel like you are fighting with your partner more than not. At this point you feel like your partner isn’t even listening anymore. You might even feel hopeless in your attempts to connect healthily with your partner. Maybe you have thought “if they just realized what they were doing wrong, we could be so much better” or “if they just got off my back about this one thing, I wouldn’t be ignoring them so much.”

You wish for the space to talk about your feelings together, but every time you face each other you are thrusted into a painful conversation that falls flat or goes nowhere. Partners fighting is a common occurrence for couples, and there are ways that couples can argue productively.

In this blog, we’ll discuss the ways partners end up in a fight, and how you can break the pattern by naming emotions and communicating.

To understand the argument, look inward first

If you and your partner are fighting, it helps to understand what is going on individually first. In a relationship, it can be easy to forget that our partners are also going through feelings of their own. When we pay attention to our own emotions, we will be able to pay attention to our partners emotions too. When we neglect our own feelings, it can be a lot easier to blame our partners and misinterpret their communication with us. An example would be “He just doesn’t care about me” or “She’s always thinking about herself.” When partners fight, they typically get to a point of needing to declare their belief over the other person, and typically stop listening to one another. Throughout the day, a part of you creates a story about the pain you’re experiencing in your partnership. In the restoration therapy model, we call this part our pain cycle. It impacts everything about how we gear up for an argument. Think about how your day has gone so far, 

  • Was there anything that set you off? 
  • Has one person or insult taken you over the edge? 
  • Did your partner say something that pushed your buttons? 
  • Did you feel like you were rigged to blow after someone cut you off on the freeway? 

Why our individual feelings impact us when we fight with our partner

All or none of these things could have happened today, but what we know about our brains is that these little moments can trigger feelings we have felt since childhood. These feelings can change how we interact with the world around us, causing us to react in painful ways. Reactions can be difficult to stop because we have developed a pattern of behaving in a certain way to difficult emotions. If you and your partner are fighting, both of you could be talking to each other from these difficult patterns.

Why do partners fight?

The problem grows when we understand that in relationships, two people could react in painful ways simultaneously. In a relationship, two people can have the same conversation but have entirely different feelings and reactions. One partner may react towards their partner by blaming them or shaming themselves, another partner might react by controlling their partner or escaping/withdrawing.

This is why it can feel like one day a conversation with our partner is peaceful and productive and another day it can feel like talking to a different person. One partner may withdraw, which makes the other person feel unloved, and start to blame the other partner, which causes the other partner to feel unheard, and withdraw even further… Does this sound familiar? 

What unique fighting cycle are you and your partner in right now? 

How controlling affects your pain cycle in a fight

If your partner is controlling you, it can make you feel trapped and helpless. It can also make one feel that they are not worthy to make decisions independently. If you are the controlling partner, it can feel like getting your partner to do something is like pulling teeth. Both the partner being controlled and the partner who feels out of control can feel helpless to their situation. 

How withdrawing affects your pain cycle in a fight

When your partner withdraws it can feel like they don’t care about you or what you are going through. It can make the receiver of the withdrawal feel like they are unloved or unworthy of ones attention and time. If you are the person withdrawing it can feel like the only way to get away from any painful feelings. You may want to numb those difficult feelings by scrolling on your phone, and going back to interact again can feel impossible. People who withdraw are capable of withdrawing physically and emotionally. 

How to break free from the cycle of fighting with your partner

Conflict is necessary for two people in a relationship, but fighting can cause further harm and disconnect between two partners. It can be so difficult to not feel stuck in the interactional cycles with our partner we have used our entire lives. Hope can be found when we recognize that each partner is worthy to meet their attachment needs. Partners can ultimately find love and trustworthiness when each partner has space to name their emotions in the moment, and then choose to respond rather than react. Your connection to your partner is important to me, and I can help you get to the place where you are naming your feelings and choosing to respond healthily. Reach out for a consultation today.

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overthinking
Managing emotions

Overthinking: It’s Hidden Danger & Tips To Unlock True Healing

Written by Jake Maxwell

Overthinking is an exhausting cycle. Here you are again, replaying a conversation in your mind, dissecting every word, and analyzing what you could have said differently. Or maybe you’re diving into endless research about a problem, trying to think your way out of discomfort, only to feel more stuck.

You’re frustrated and hate getting stuck in this cycle. You find yourself trapped in your thoughts, analyzing every detail, instead of feeling what’s happening. This is a common habit, often referred to as intellectualization. It involves focusing on facts and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions and while it may seem like a safe way to protect yourself from pain, it can actually hold you back from true healing and growth.

In this blog, we’ll explore how overthinking prevents genuine healing and provide practical tips to help you break free from the trap.

What is Intellectualization?

Intellectualization is when you use logic and reasoning to avoid confronting the emotional aspects of a situation. Instead of processing feelings associated with difficult experiences, you might dive into research, analyze the facts, or discuss events in a detached way. Sometimes this can be helpful – it can make you feel in control and provide a temporary sense of clarity. While this might temporarily soothe your discomfort, it actually distances you from your emotions, keeping you trapped in a cycle of overthinking.

How Overthinking Actually Holds You Back

Emotionally Disconnected

When you constantly analyze rather than feel, you disconnect from your emotions. This emotional distancing might make you feel safer in the short term, but it can lead to a sense of numbness and a lack of true self-awareness. Over time, you may find yourself trapped in your mind, unable to truly understand or express your feelings.

Anxiety and Exhaustion

Overthinking doesn’t alleviate anxiety; it amplifies it. When you stay in your head and try to intellectualize your emotions away, the unresolved feelings remain and manifest as chronic stress and anxiety. The more you think, the more overwhelmed you become, leading to mental exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a loop of worry and doubt.

Overthinking As A Barrier to Emotional Healing

Overthinking and intellectualizing prevents you from addressing the core emotional issues that need to be processed for true healing. By staying on the surface and avoiding the deeper emotional work, you remain stuck in the same patterns, unable to move forward. Instead of resolving pain, you end up prolonging it.

Strained Relationships

When you intellectualize your emotions, you may also struggle to connect with others on a deeper level. Relationships thrive on emotional intimacy and vulnerability, but overthinking can create a wall that keeps others at a distance. This can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and a feeling of isolation.

Overthinking: Why Do We It?

Fear of Vulnerability

Intellectualizing is often a defense against vulnerability. It can feel safer to talk about emotions from a distance rather than allowing yourself to truly feel them, especially if you fear judgment or rejection. However, this need to stay in the safety of your mind can create a prison where genuine emotional experiences are avoided.

Cultural and Societal Norms

Society often values rationality and logic over emotional expression. This can lead people to believe that being “logical” is stronger or more mature than being emotional, causing them to suppress their feelings. Over time, this can reinforce the habit of intellectualizing emotions, making it harder to embrace your emotional experiences.

Past Experiences & Their Influence on Overthinking

If you grew up in an environment where emotions were not openly discussed or were dismissed, you might have learned to think through emotions (or intellectualize) as a way to cope. This behavior can continue into adulthood, becoming a default response to emotional distress. Feeling trapped in your head becomes a familiar, but ultimately limiting, way of navigating the world.

overthinking openness

Tips to Break Free from Overthinking and Start Feeling

Recognize When You’re Overthinking

Start by noticing when you tend to shift into analysis mode. Are there specific topics or emotions that trigger this response? Becoming aware of this pattern is the first step toward breaking free from the mental trap of overthinking.

Allow Yourself to Feel

Practice allowing yourself to feel emotions without immediately analyzing them. Try to sit with your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, and notice how they affect your body and mind. It can be helpful to name the emotion you’re feeling and acknowledge it without judgment. This can help you escape the loop of overthinking and connect more deeply with your inner self.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing, meditation, or body scans, can help you stay present with your emotions rather than getting caught up in your thoughts. Grounding techniques like focusing on your senses can also help bring you back to the present moment, freeing you from being trapped in your head.

Express Yourself

Find safe ways to express your emotions, whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or speaking with a therapist. Expressing emotions can help you process and release them, rather than keeping them trapped in your mind. This expression can break the cycle of intellectualization and lead to more authentic emotional experiences.

Seek Support

If overthinking or intellectualizing is continually affecting your relationships and well-being, consider seeking help from a therapist. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and process emotions in a healthy way and help you build new, more adaptive coping strategies.

A Way Forward

Intellectualizing your emotions might seem like a way to stay in control and avoid pain, but it often leads to more anxiety, disconnection, and emotional stagnation. When you are trapped in your thoughts, you miss the opportunity to truly experience and heal your emotions. I can help you breaking free from overthinking so you can be free to embrace your emotions. By helping you truly feel and express your emotions, I can help you move beyond intellectualization and start living a more emotionally fulfilling life.

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Do I Have Trauma?
Managing emotions

Do I have Trauma? Upending Common Myths About Trauma

Written by McKenzie Laird

Trauma is a term loosely thrown around social media and coffee conversation to describe a variety of social interactions we encounter in our lives. We hear about experiences with trauma dumping, trauma bonding, and being triggered in everyday conversation. So, what really is trauma, and how do you know if you have it?

Trauma, Like a Spiderweb, is Protective.

Whether illuminated by the night sky or covered in morning dew, spiderwebs fascinate us with their intricate design. If you’ve ever walked through one, you know how strong they can be, despite being woven of finely spun silk. Commonly known as the way spiders capture food, spiderwebs are also a naturally defensive structure. In a spider web, any small tug to the outer silk strands alerts the spider of potential danger. Trauma is an inner defensive structure that behaves like a spiderweb: one delicate pull on our web-like trauma alerts us to self-protect from harm. This becomes expressed through our attitudes, values, and expectations about life. 

Trauma is what happens internally based on a negative event. 

Derived from the greek word τραύμα, meaning wound, the buzzword trauma covers a broad range of experiences today. From surviving a natural disaster to being bullied, determining whether a negative experience was traumatic depends on a multitude of factors. So, if we all have bad things happen to us at some point in our lives, how do we know if we’ve experienced trauma as a result of them? And, how much does trauma really affect us?

A Negative Event is Not Trauma.

The event is not what causes trauma. In fact, it’s the overwhelming emotional response to the negative event making us feel unsafe. Trauma shapes our reaction to future similar events, as to prevent the same overwhelm of the brain and body from happening again.

Trauma is Unique for Everyone.

Whether or not a person incurs trauma from a distressing event depends on a variety of factors. For instance, a car accident may injure one passenger who recovers fully, while another passenger of the same car experiences an emotional disturbance from the event well after it’s over. This can happen due to the variance across people’s lived experience, health, personality, and a variety of other factors. For instance, that same passenger who recovered completely from the car accident may experience a prolonged emotional disturbance from having their home broken into, or from discovering that a trusted other lied to them.

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens as a result of what happens to you”.

– Gabor Mate`

Leading trauma expert Dr. Gabor Mate´ explains how “trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens as a result of what happens to you”. Dr. Mate´ also emphasizes how trauma takes on less obvious forms like emotional disturbances from our earliest relationships and experiences. This form of trauma results in lifelong pain until it is dealt with. As a result, it distorts our view of the world in a negative way, and impairs our ability to live fully in the present. 

Safety Means Having Resources

The difference between someone who has a traumatic response and one who doesn’t has to do with their internal and external resources. Someone with internal and external resources has the ability to return to safety. Internal resources are those like the ability to self-soothe, and having self-esteem. External resources include having a support system of trusted others who can help you to understand and process what happened. A person with fewer internal resources, such as a young child, remains overwhelmed by a distressing event because they’re not yet able to self-soothe. Additionally, if a child can’t process a negative event with trusted others, they make meaning of the negative event themselves. Examples of the stories we may tell ourselves when we’re unable to return to safety are those like, ‘the world is unsafe’, or that ‘we’re fundamentally a bad person’.

3 Main Types of Trauma

Acute according to Sandstone Care, comes from a single stressful event that overwhelms the body and keeps it in a state of vigilance. Examples include car accidents, physical violence, and natural disasters. Some common symptoms include irritability, flashbacks, avoidance, anxiety, and difficulties focusing.

Chronic occurs when a person exposed to repeated or extended stressful events develops a consistently overwhelmed nervous system. This form makes daily life difficult and distorts a person’s worldview, their perspective of themselves and of others. Examples include long-term illness, neglect, and domestic abuse. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, difficulty managing your emotions, and feelings of guilt and shame.

Complex is when a child experiences a series of stressful events that overwhelm their system over a period of months or years. With this form, the brain and the body develop sophisticated defensive structures. These protect the young person, by putting them in a fight, flight, or freeze, or fawn mode when encountering unsafety or perceived unsafety. Common symptoms include a foggy memory, hyper-vigilance, low self esteem, headaches, and difficulty in interpersonal relationships.

2 Steps to Resolving Traumatic Experiences

By dealing with trauma, you reclaim your outlook on life and reconnect to yourself and others. If you or a loved experience difficulties, you can find help. Connecting with a trusted mental health professional can help you address your longstanding pain. Once this happens, we experience greater freedom in life, have less guilt and shame, and cultivate more capacity to live in the present moment.

1. Get Curious. Curiosity Moves Us Toward Healing.

The first step is to become curious about whether your emotional pain could be from the spiderweb-like protection system of trauma.

2. Reach Out.

The second step is to connect. I help people recover from traumatic experiences so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom. Reach out to me today for a consultation.

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Parenting

When Kids Exhaust You, You Deserve the Best Care: How to be Supported, Empowered, and Less Alone as a Parent

Written by Here Counseling

“Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support.”

-Dr. Vivek Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General

parenting

The basic activities required of parenting, such as keeping your kids safe and healthy, can feel like a heavy burden. But, add to that feelings of exhaustion, financial strain, relationship friction, and unrealistic expectations, you can find yourself burning out and closing in. When parents are pushed to the edge, there is a tendency to isolate – but actually they should be doing the opposite. Here are some do’s and dont’s for when parenting gets tough.

parenting is exhausting, but you don't have to be alone

The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, recently announced that he was issuing an advisory to “call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers.” In his Op Ed in the New York Times, he cited a recent study by the American Psychological Association, which states that 48% of parents indicate that their stress levels are regularly overwhelming.

Reach out, don’t close up

A great way to relieve yourself of doubt, get an understanding ear, and share concerns is to talk with other parents! All parents, at one time or another, question their parenting skills, instincts, and choices. It’s normal and healthy to wonder if there are other ways to address sticky situations within the family. In Los Angeles, there are a myriad of parent groups with topics as specific as post-partum support circles, foster/adopt process groups, parenting teens groups, grieving fathers groups, or movement healing circles. If you have a concern around parenting, there’s a group out there for it!

Ask for help, don’t be a superhero

Reaching out to friends and family is hard when you know that everyone is stressed. But your support system will not know you need help unless you ask. Simple requests to come over for an hour while you take a shower or to drop off a meal can mean the difference of feeling human again! Seek out specific support services for your needs. For example, Postpartum doulas help mothers in the first twelve months after birth. They can prepare nutritious meals, offer relaxing massage, and talk about whatever is on your mind. As Dr. Murthy wrote, “We must learn to view asking for help and accepting help as acts of strength, not weakness.”

Offer to help, don’t retreat

Another way to feel less isolated is to reach out and offer support to a parent you know. You can text them when you go to the store and ask them if they need anything, or drop by and tell them, “I wanted to say Hi, and check in on you!” It may sound counterintuitive to add something like this to your already full schedule, but the reward of helping another helps you feel connected and less alone. Give to receive!

Seek out therapy – you are not alone

Parenting is hard! It is one of the most important things we do, and yet no one teaches us how to do it except our parents, and sometimes those models are not ones we want to follow. Therapy is a safe place to reflect on the hardships of building and sustaining a family, get personalized support, and receive attuned and supportive care. With a good therapist, you are not alone in you parenting journey. Your mental health is the best place to start being the best parent you can be.

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Managing emotions

Suicidal Ideation is Actually a Cry for Needed Change: Hope

Written by herecounseling

Suicidal ideation is isolating. People with suicidal ideation often constantly battle thoughts about death and dying. Managing these feelings alone is tough, and it becomes an even heavier burden when we don’t discuss them. Society doesn’t teach us to openly talk about suicidal ideation. Yet locking away these thoughts only deepens the loneliness and pain.

The truth is, suicidal ideation is more common than we think. Yet it doesn’t have to be something we carry alone. Rather than seeing these thoughts as something to be ashamed of, we can begin to recognize them as a signal that something in our lives needs an immediate change. It’s a call for help, an invitation to reach out, and an opportunity to reclaim our lives with the right support.

In this blog we’re going to help you see suicidal ideation in a different way: as a way of crying out for care – a cry that needs to be expressed. We’ll talk about what suicidal ideation really is, why it’s important to talk about it, and how therapy can help you navigate these thoughts with compassion and hope.

What Is Suicidal Ideation?

Suicidal ideation is when you are experiencing intrusive thoughts about wanting to die. Suicidal ideation can range in intensity and look different for everyone. For example, you might feel like you don’t want to be alive but you have no concrete plan for actually making that happen. Or you might have very active suicide ideation with a detailed plan as to when, where, and how you will act on the idea. Having thoughts about wanting to die often doesn’t mean you actually want to die. Rather it’s a sign that something is wrong in your life that needs to change.

“I’m so afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts”

There are a lot of fears around sharing these thoughts with other people. You fear that someone will misunderstand you or escalate the issue to the police. You’re worried that expressing yourself might worsen the situation instead of improving it.

One of our therapists Dr. Jeff Chan puts it this way:

“Thoughts of ending your life can feel overwhelming and frightening. It’s common to worry that others might judge you or that having these thoughts means something is deeply wrong. But it’s important to know that suicidal thoughts are often a symptom of intense pain, not necessarily a desire to die.

Most of the time, we don’t want to end our lives—we just want the pain to stop, and it feels like there’s no other way out. Talking about these thoughts, especially with someone who cares, can help take away some of their power and open the door to finding ways to heal the pain at the root of it all. We’re here to help figure that out together.”

What To Do If You’re Experiencing Suicidal Ideation

  • Seek support from a friend or family member: The first step to take is to let someone know. You can start by sending a text to a trusted loved one, saying something like: “This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts and it might help to talk. Are you free?” This is a vulnerable step. Yet it is important for the people in your life to know how you are feeling inside.
  • Contact a Therapist: Reaching out to a therapist and setting up an appointment can provide you a sense of hope knowing that you have something on your calendar that will help. Therapy is a safe place to talk openly and freely about what you have been feeling.
  • Call or text the Suicide Crisis Line: Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re not sure who to tell yet, you can start by talking to the lifeline number to find support and safety there.

Consider making a plan of who you can talk to when suicidal ideation feels overwhelming.

When you get the right care for suicidal ideation, everything changes

Suicidal ideation is a signal that something in your life needs to change, and with the right support, you can begin to make those changes. By breaking the silence and reaching out for help, you’re taking the first step towards healing.

As Dr. Connor McClenahan explains,

“When we talk about suicide ideation, we begin to experience safety and hope. There are many people like you who experience this, and when we can talk about it—that’s when we find healing.”

Healing starts with a conversation. When the cry is only internal, it can feel chaotic and overwhelming. By sharing your thoughts with a safe person, you open the door to new possibilities. You begin forging a path forward that’s defined by hope, not pain.

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