Managing emotions

Fighting with your partner? How to restore connection today

Are you having that feeling that somehow your partner just doesn’t seem to really understand, no matter how many times you try to tell them what you’re feeling? You ask them to be sure to let you know if they are going to be home late, yet they continue to do this. It infuriates you and it becomes another fight. Couldn’t they just take the time to send a text?

Why is this always the fight?

It’s in these moments that one can begin thinking something like “this is just how things will be” – and we find ourselves giving up hope that connection will be restored.

Often times our attempts to solve the problem feel like they keep causing further frustration and the feeling that things didn’t really change. This may be because we are not addressing the issue that is truly the source of our frustration.

Learning to fight the issue, not your partner

For each of us, there is a desire to know that we have secure attachments. Finding where we can feel safe and can be loved, even at our worst. At times something interrupts our feeling of security and safety with the people we are closest with, and we find ourselves feeling a sense of threat to our well-being. This can cause us to react in an effort to thwart the threat that is detected.

  • If our spouse doesn’t respond to our request for communication, it may be triggering an internal feeling of lack of safety. We may not feel that we are in any physical danger, but there is a feeling that we are not valuable in the relationship. This becomes the primary source of concern, and we begin to find ourselves trying to protect our need to feel safe and secure.

As you are able to slow down and understand what it is that is really going on, you can then utilize these steps to help communicate your needs more directly.

  • Take time to slow down and ask yourself what it is that the other person’s words or actions brought up for you.
  • Name the emotion or feeling. It can help to utilize assertive expression to help in explaining what it is you want to communicate (which can help to limit blaming) and instead express your feelings clearly. An example of this might be: “When you didn’t give me a heads up about coming home late, it made me feel not valued and not important.”
  • Allow time for your partner to respond and really listen to them. If needed, repeat back the feelings you had in the situation without placing blame on them or dismissing your own experience.

Bottom line, restoring connection should remain the focus

It’s important that we are able to notice and express our own experience, rather than pointing fingers or trying to defend ourselves. In doing so, you can move into a place of understanding your emotional experience. By helping your partner better understand the impact of these interactions, your connection will increase and further establish safety and security.

At times, it can be helpful to have a therapist or other professional who can help you to identify these deeper emotional experiences as a way to help increase your feeling of connection within your relationships.

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection.

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LGBTQ emotion regulation
Managing emotions

LGBTQ Emotion Regulation: 4 Powerful and Simple Tips to Survive any Reaction to your Queerness

Being Queer is something that you’ve worked hard to embrace. You’ve accepted your identity as a fact that you can’t and don’t want to change, and this level of self-acceptance has come with some major benefits.

  • Your anxiety and depression have decreased. 
  • Your understanding of yourself, your dreams, and your likes and dislikes have all increased.
  • Your friendships are rich and complex because you are living as your authentic self.

But while you’ve bulleted forward on your path of understanding and self-acceptance, you’ve left others behind- family members and former friends that you wish would understand and accept you more than they do. When you’re confronted with the vast difference between how far you’ve come and where your loved one is, it can make you feel like the gains you’ve made don’t matter. However, this cannot be further from the truth! Emotion regulation can help when you’re in these situations.

Queer Empathy

You likely have a high sense of empathy due to the ways you now understand yourself. As an LGBTQ individual, you have likely spent upwards of hundreds or thousands of hours contemplating your identity, what it means, and how to exist in a world of heteronormativity and cisnormativity. 

Your family (unless they also identify as LGBTQ) has likely not spent nearly this many hours on the topic. This may mean that some of them are stuck in ways of thinking that have been dictated to them by broader heteronormative culture, and others may be deeply entrenched in an anti-queer bias that seems relentless. 

Emotion regulation to survive reactions to your Queerness.  

Whether a loved one makes an innocent but uneducated comment, or a hateful comment meant to degrade, your emotions can easily get hijacked. It’s important to take a step back and have a quick conversation with your thoughts and emotions to remain centered. 

4 CRUCIAL QUESTIONS TO REGAIN EMOTIONAL CENTEREDNESS

  1. WHAT DOES THIS INTERACTION MAKE ME BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?

Behind our anger, our sadness, our disappointment, is a negative self-belief in response to our loved one’s actions or words. The crucial first step in emotion regulation is to ask yourself- what is the negative self-belief message that you are getting from this interaction. Some of the messages that you might be receiving are:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not loved.
  • I don’t matter.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I’m not safe.

There are many other potential negative self-belief messages that could be attacking you. Listen to your heart and mind, and name which one(s) plague you the most often. 

  1. WHEN I BELIEVE THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Negative self-beliefs are brutal. These messages really want you to self-sabotage. It’s important to know the behaviors and emotions these negative beliefs try to get you to adopt. Typically, a person tends to respond to these messages similarly each time these beliefs come up. The more you ask yourself these emotion regulation questions, the more solid your skills will become. Here are a few examples of unhelpful responses you may experience in response to negative self-beliefs:

  • Anger, retaliation
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etc.)
  • Running away, escape
  • Self-hate, self-blame
  • Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Body symptoms  
  • Stress
  1. WHAT’S TRUE ABOUT ME?

Now it’s time to fight the negative self-belief. In this step, you want to search for evidence that the negative self-belief is untrue. As an LGBTQ individual, it’s also important in this step to ask yourself if the loved one is truly a safe person for you. Many heteronormative individuals have never had to confront their own thoughts, beliefs, and values about Queer identities. Because of this, they may need some time and education in order to change beliefs and decrease problematic comments or responses. For others, their anti-LGBTQ bias may be so entrenched that they may never be safe to be in a relationship with. You might find that this step of searching for truth looks different for the two following categories of truth statements.

With individuals who want to understand but aren’t there yet:

  • This person seems curious, and that curiosity makes me feel seen. 
  • This person is communicating that they love me and I feel loved. 
  • I have this person’s attention. I am important.
  • This person seems shocked, but maybe they just need time. They’ve shown me in the past that I really matter to them.

With individuals who show no interest in understanding or accepting me:

  • I’m loved. The people who love me are not in this room, and that’s okay.
  • This sucks but this will end and I can leave. I can choose to walk away at any point.
  • My journey matters. I won’t abandon it.
  • This is not a safe topic with this person, but I have others I can speak with openly.
  1. IN LIGHT OF THIS TRUTH, HOW DO I WANT TO RESPOND?

Having fought the negative self-belief with evidence of what is true about you, you are now empowered to take control from the negative self-belief and step into the confidence and peace you long for. Some affirmations to move forward are:

  • I will exercise patience and understanding with those putting in an effort to understand and love me. 
  • I will walk away from dehumanizing interactions when I need to, knowing that at the end of the day I still matter. 
  • I will spend extra time thinking of and appreciating those who truly care about me. 
  • I recognize that I know my body, soul, and experience better than someone who has never lived my story. 

How do I know when I need more than emotion regulation- do I need therapy?

Look, I get it. You’re a queer individual in a heteronormative and cisnormative world. You want to love yourself well and be free to love others authentically. Sometimes, we need a little help getting there. You can always ask a therapist for a free consultation to see if therapy could be a good fit for you. 

Stand in your strength!

Incorporate the 4 questions of emotion regulation into your routine when dealing with difficult conversations. 

  1. What does this interaction make me believe about myself? 
  2. When I believe this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s true about me?
  4. In light of this truth, how do I want to respond?

Remember that you have so much value. Negative self-beliefs want you to ignore your value, but it’s always there. Tap into that truth and stand in the confidence and strength that you deserve.

Reference:
Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

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Managing emotions

How to Break Up with Your Therapist: End Therapy if it’s Not the Best Fit

Want to break up with your therapist? To break up with your therapist, reflect on your reasons, choose your method (session, email, or call), prepare what to say, and communicate clearly. You don’t need a termination session if you feel unsafe. This article will answer your questions about how to approach terminating therapy.

There are many reasons why therapy or a specific therapist may no longer be a good fit for you. You have the right to end therapy and your therapeutic relationship at any time, but it might be difficult to identify the reasons for ending the relationship or how to end the relationship. This article will empower you in your decision to continue or end therapy. 

First, I want to go over some of the reasons that you may choose to end therapy or end your relationship with a therapist. This is not an exhaustive list, so there may be other reasons that influence your decisions, but I hope it helps illustrate some of the reasons.


Why do people break up with their therapist?

  • Your therapist has done harm to you or the therapeutic relationship. This could be something like your therapist not taking feedback well, or something like making a sexual advance. Further below, I’ll discuss the process of filing a complaint against your provider if they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal.
  • You don’t feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Maybe they don’t have a lot of experience in the issue that you want to work on, or maybe a new issue has come up that your current therapist isn’t as familiar with. Perhaps you began therapy to talk about conflict in a relationship, but now you want to focus on the trauma that you’ve experienced and that is not your therapist’s area of expertise.
  • Maybe your therapist has brought up that they are not the right person to provide the support that you need. Your therapist may recommend that you see another therapist for expertise in an issue, utilizing a specific modality, or for a better fit.
  • Your financial circumstances have changed. The session fee is no longer in your budget.
  • You’ve outgrown therapy. When you started therapy, you had goals of things you wanted to change or process. Part of therapy is assessing your progress and goals. If you’ve reached your goals and don’t have others to work on, you might have outgrown therapy for right now.
how to break up with your therapist

How to Break Up with Your Therapist

When you decide to end therapy, you do not owe anything to your therapist. If your experience in therapy has been negative, or you feel unsafe with your therapist, you do not need to have a termination session with them. You can end therapy with a phone call or email. 

If you feel safe having a termination session with your therapist, it can be a good time to process the course of therapy with them- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You get to decide if you want to be done with therapy (like if you’ve outgrown therapy), or if you are interested in finding a therapist who is a better fit for you and your needs.

Sample Scripts for Ending Therapy

  • My needs are no longer being met in this therapeutic relationship.
  • My goals for therapy have changed, and I’d like to work with a therapist who can focus on {this specific issue}
  • I was hurt in this situation between us, and I’m not happy with the way it was/was not resolved. I’m not comfortable continuing to work together.
  • My financial situation has changed, and I can no longer afford your fee. Do you have any sliding scale spots available, or could you provide me with referrals to therapists with lower fees?
  • I’ve reached my therapy goals, and I’d like to take a break from therapy or be done with therapy.

Steps to Break Up with Your Therapist

1. Reflect on Your Reasons

Take time to identify why you want to end therapy (e.g., unmet needs, discomfort, or financial changes).

2. Decide on the Method:

Choose whether to have a termination session, send an email, or make a phone call based on your comfort and safety.

3. Prepare Your Message

If having a session, plan what to say. If writing or calling, draft a clear, respectful message.

4. Communicate Your Decision

Inform your therapist firmly and politely, whether in person, by email, or over the phone.

5. Discuss Next Steps

If needed, ask for referrals to other therapists or instructions for transferring records.

6. Follow Up

Tie up loose ends, such as final payments or confirming referrals.

File a Complaint

If you chose to break up with your therapist because they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal, you can choose to file a complaint to the Board of Psychology against your therapist or psychologist. In California, you can file a complaint through this website. If you aren’t in California, you can search for “file a board of psychology complaint in {insert your state}.” The Board of Psychology regulates the licenses and ethics of mental health clinicians. If you want to know more about the process of filing a complaint, Open Counseling wrote a helpful article.

You Deserve Support

We hope that this article is empowering to you as you think about what is best for you and your mental health. If you are looking for a therapist, consider our therapists! Learn more about them at this link.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Fix a Bad Apology

The bad apology: We’ve all heard one. We’ve all used one. And when we do it feels so gross.

“God, I’m SORRY!”
“I don’t know what I did but whatever it is I apologize.”
“I guess I’m sorry that you think I wasn’t listening.”
“Look, I said I’m sorry. Why’re you still angry?

No. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. Actually, a bad apology usually makes the person we’re apologizing to even more upset. Because it isn’t really an apology.

How to Tell When an Apology Isn’t Sincere

It can be hard to know when someone really means “I’m sorry” — especially when you’re emotionally raw. But learning to spot the signs of a hollow apology can protect your peace, and help you decide how (or whether) to move forward with someone.

Here are a few signals that the apology you’re hearing might not be coming from a place of true remorse:

1. “If” and “but” apologies
“If you felt that way” or “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” aren’t real apologies. They dodge responsibility and put the burden on you for having feelings. That’s not repair — that’s evasion.

2. Blame gets redirected
When an apology slips in a line like “You made me do it,” it’s not about healing — it’s about shifting guilt. Real apologies stay with the impact, not the excuse.

3. It’s vague
A half-apology might say “I messed up” but skip what exactly was done wrong. If someone can’t name their behavior, it’s hard to believe they really understand it.

4. The focus is on their intentions, not your hurt
“I didn’t mean to” might be true — but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. If someone is more focused on how misunderstood they feel than how you feel, the apology isn’t landing.5. The pattern repeats
If you keep hearing “I’m sorry” but nothing ever changes, that’s not growth — that’s a loop. A meaningful apology includes effort. Without that, the words start to feel empty.

A bad apology is a demand. It’s a shield. It’s selfish.

A bad apology translates to:
“Stop feeling angry. Stop being sad. You being upset means I’m a bad person. I don’t wanna hear that. I said I’m sorry so I can be done with this.”

A bad apology takes care of ourselves. It denies responsibility because acknowledging we did something wrong is uncomfortable.

But all of this misses the whole point of an apology.

A good apology is supposed to take care of the person who’s hurt. It’s a gift of your empathy and understanding.

A good apology requires you to sit for a moment in the head of the person across from you and set aside your own discomfort to take care of them.

A good apology provides resolution so that both of you get to feel genuinely better at the end.

The Cost of a Bad Apology

It’s not just that a bad apology doesn’t help — it actually makes things worse. It creates distance instead of closeness. It turns vulnerability into frustration. And over time, it teaches the other person that bringing up hurt feelings isn’t safe or worth it.

When that happens often enough, people stop sharing what they feel. The relationship moves into quiet resentment, emotional shutdown, or blowups that seem to come out of nowhere.

Learning how to apologize well isn’t about being perfect. It’s about keeping the connection open, even in moments of conflict. And that’s what makes a relationship stronger.

Why Are Bad Apologies So Common?

We don’t learn how to apologize well. Most of us grow up seeing apologies used as damage control — a way to end the conversation, not repair the relationship. We see apologies as a transaction: “Say the words, and let’s move on.”

But real apologies require emotional presence, not just polite language. They ask us to sit in discomfort for a minute and consider someone else’s pain without immediately managing our own. That’s a skill many people never learned.

Understanding why bad apologies happen doesn’t excuse them. But it helps us shift from shame to responsibility. And it opens the door to doing things differently.

So if you want to practice a good apology, here are the steps:

Calm yourself.

Criticism often feels deeply personal and emotionally charged. When someone tells you that you did something that hurt or offends them, you’re likely going to feel a sharp pang of adrenaline. Don’t counterattack. Hold back your defensiveness. Don’t argue. Don’t explain why you did what you did. In a good apology, those are inside thoughts. Breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t being attacked, so you don’t need to defend.

Listen.

You have to listen carefully to what the person is upset about. Maybe even repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Then with genuine curiosity and without anger, ask them if you understood. Allow them to correct you and repeat this until you understand clearly.
“Oh, you’re saying that being on the phone when I got home today felt like I was ignoring you. Is that right?”
“…and I wasn’t paying attention to the questions you were asking me. Ok.”

Reflect.

Pause and take a moment to think about how they felt. Really consider the situation from their perspective; then express why their reaction makes sense to you. If it still doesn’t make sense, go back to asking questions (with curiosity and without anger) until it does.
“That makes sense. I can see why if I’m literally not responding it feels like I was ignoring you.”

Take Responsibility.

Accept that you did something wrong. Say this clearly to the other person without trying to soften the “wrongness” of what you did or shift the blame. They will see right through that.
“You’re right. I wasn’t really paying attention today. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I know you like for us to talk when I get home.”

Apologize Directly.

Say the damn words.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I made you feel ignored. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t care about you.”

Take Action.

Identify what you would like to do differently and then do it. And if in the moment, you’re not sure how to fix the problem, you can say that too, as long as you also verbally take the responsibility to think about it and come up with something later.
“Tomorrow I’ll make sure to set down my phone when I come in.”

Check-in.

The point of a good apology is to take care of the person you love. Circle back to how they feel. Gently ask them if they feel better. Keep in mind that they might not feel better, but even if it’s not in this moment, a good apology can lead to emotional resolution.
“I love you. How’re you feeling? ”

When You’re Not Ready to Apologize

Sometimes you’re still hurt, confused, or overwhelmed yourself. And trying to force out an apology when you’re not ready can feel fake — or worse, resentful.

If you’re not ready, it’s okay to say that. But don’t leave the other person hanging. You can say something like:

“I know this mattered to you, and I want to talk about it. I just need a little time to sort through my own feelings so I can be present with you.”

A good apology doesn’t have to be immediate. It has to be sincere. Take the time you need, but stay connected. Let them know you’re coming back to the conversation.

What to Do When the Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

You’ve heard the words, but something still feels… off. The apology doesn’t sit right, and you’re left wondering what to do with that discomfort.

You’re not overreacting. And you don’t have to ignore it.

Here’s what you can try:

Speak honestly about how it landed
Use “I” statements to reflect how you feel without escalating things. Try:

“I appreciate you trying to make things right, but the apology didn’t feel like it addressed what happened.”

Ask for clarity
Sometimes, people are well-meaning but unskilled. You can invite them to go deeper:

“Can you help me understand exactly what you’re apologizing for?”

Name what you need
If you’re ready to move forward but need something specific, say so. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a change in behavior. Either way, you deserve to name your boundaries.

Protect your emotional space
You don’t owe continued access to someone who consistently disregards your feelings — even if they say “sorry.” You can love someone and still choose distance when needed.

Decide what repair looks like for you
Genuine repair takes time, effort, and mutual investment. You get to choose what’s best for your well-being, whether that’s reconnection or release.

Calm yourself. Listen. Reflect. Take Responsibility. Apologize Directly. Take Action. Check-in.

A good apology helps. It does what apologies are supposed to do. It takes care of someone who’s hurt.

It’s important to remember that good apologies are necessary but they’re not a silver bullet. All of the above assumes that the person you’re apologizing to is emotionally aware and is acting in good faith. It assumes that they know their needs and are being direct. Without those conditions met, even the best apology might go south.

There are so many things that get in the way of peace in our relationships. If you find yourself stuck, that even your good apologies don’t seem to be moving you toward a place of resolution, please reach out. That’s where therapy can help.

But to start with it’s important to step back from the bad apologies, step back from defending yourself, and in a moment of vulnerability choose to be loving instead.

Therapy Can Help You Practice Apologizing Differently

Apologizing isn’t just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, vulnerability, empathy, and communication patterns. These are deep skills, and if you didn’t grow up learning them, it’s not your fault. But you can learn them now.

In therapy, we help you slow down the moment, notice what’s happening underneath your reactions, and build a new way of responding — one that helps both people feel seen and safe.

If conflict keeps repeating itself in your relationships — even when you’re trying to do the right thing — we’re here to help you break that pattern and build connection instead.

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Testing and Assessment

Could a Psychological Evaluation help your Immigration Case? Learn the Value in this Article.

Living in a new country as a refugee or trying to change your immigration status can be very stressful. Maybe you are worried that a family member will face deportation. No matter the situation, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that you or your loved one will be able to legally stay in the United States. How could a psychological evaluation help you?

Immigration Psychological Evaluation

For many immigration applications, a psychological evaluation can support your case. This evaluation provides a clear portrayal of your story and describes the hardship you have already faced or expect to face in the future due to deportation. If you have suffered any psychological or physical abuse, it is valuable to have the mental impact of this abuse well documented. 

This article provides a brief description of the kinds of cases in which a psychological evaluation may be helpful. However, this is not legal advice. Consult your attorney about whether a psychological evaluation would support your case. 

Extreme Hardship Waiver

In extreme hardship cases, a waiver can be provided to an applicant if their removal from the US would cause “extreme hardship” for a family member who is a citizen or lawful permanent resident. Your case must show that there will be extreme hardship if family members are separated due to deportation or if family members must relocate with the one being deported. Extreme hardship is defined by the US Citizenship and Immigration Services as a hardship that is more than what is commonly expected for family separation or relocation. Factors in determining hardship may include access to health care, finances, education, caring for family members, safety, and social or cultural impact. 

A psychological report can help to clearly document your situation and the hardship that would result in either family separation or relocation. If separation or relocation may include mental health concerns, a psychological report is invaluable to describe how mental health is likely to be impacted. 

Cheerful aunt laughing and giving cheese to niece while enjoying with family in kitchen at home during weekend

Spousal Abuse (VAWA) 

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was created to provide a pathway to legal status for family members who have experienced abuse from a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (LPR). An immigrant family member is usually reliant on a U.S. citizen or LPR to petition for legal status on their behalf. But for cases in which there has been abuse, VAWA provides protection for individuals to apply without the knowledge, consent, or participation of their abuser. This protection is not just for women, but includes all spouses, children, and parents who have suffered abuse and who would otherwise be dependent on their abuser to apply for immigrant status. 

Abuse in these cases is described as “battery and extreme cruelty.”  This includes physical and sexual abuse as well as non-violent acts or threats of violence that are used to control the victim (ex. isolation, blaming, threats of deportation, etc.) 

A psychological evaluation can be provided as evidence to demonstrate battery and extreme cruelty. Meeting with a psychologist for an evaluation allows clear documentation of the psychological and emotional hardship you have experienced. It allows your story to be portrayed accurately and compassionately in a comprehensive written report. 

U Visa 

A U Visa is similar to a VAWA case in that it allows an individual to self-petition for legal status due to having been the victim of a crime. It provides protection for those who have “suffered substantial mental or physical abuse.” In order to meet requirements, the victim must be willing to participate with law enforcement. 

In these cases, a psychological evaluation can be helpful to document and provide evidence for the mental and emotional impact of abuse. 

Asylum 

Lastly, a psychological evaluation may be helpful if you are seeking asylum. In order to receive asylum status in the United States, you must show that you have suffered persecution or have a well-founded fear of persecution in your home country. Persecution may be based on factors such as race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a social group experiencing discrimination. 

A psychological evaluation documents the persecution or suffering you have already experienced before coming to the United States or the reason why you are fearful that you would not be safe if you returned to your home country. It can also help document the reasons why you did not apply within the year deadline of arrival in the US, if applicable. 

In all of these cases, you want a professional who will treat your case with compassion and expertise. I will work closely with your immigration attorney to create a helpful report that clearly documents what you have been through, your current situation, and any hardship you expect in the future. A psychological evaluation gives you confidence that your unique immigration story will be heard and that evidence for mental health impact will be presented. 

References: 

Extreme Hardship Waiver: https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-9-part-b
VAWA:  https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-3-part-d
U Visa: https://www.uscis.gov/policy-manual/volume-3-part-c-chapter-1
Asylum: https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/refugees-and-asylum/asylum

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Healthy Relationships

“Can we talk about it?” Why Difficult Conversations are Just what Your Relationship Needs

I get it. It always feels easier to ignore the thing that’s bothering you in your relationships – whether that be with your friend, coworker, boss, family member, or partner. 

You hope that the comment that rubbed you the wrong way or the awkward moment of tension will just pass and be a thing of the past. You hope that with enough time, both you and the other person will forget about that incident and things will just feel normal again.

If you just ignore it hard enough and for long enough, things will go back to how they once were, right?…

But what really ends up happening when you avoid difficult conversations?

Things don’t go back to normal. You don’t forget about the hurt, annoyance, or anger you felt towards that other person. Instead, the longer you go without having that hard conversation often results in tensions rising, things feeling more awkward, and becoming increasingly frustrated and irritated at the smallest issues. The comment or moment you initially hoped would pass becomes the foundation of all the following issues you have with the other person. 

So what can you do instead?

  1. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Was there a particular instance? Was it something that was said? Or something that was done? Whatever it may be, take some intentional time to process through what has left you feeling however it is you’re feeling towards the other person.
  2. Brainstorm what you’d like to communicate to the other person. What are the most important things you’d like to say? Are there things you’d like to say first before following up with additional thoughts? Writing these things down might help you to understand what feels most crucial to eventually communicate to the other person.
  3. Talk those points through with someone who feels safe to you. It can be helpful to have another listening ear be on the receiving end of what you’d eventually like to communicate to the person you’ve felt hurt by. Perhaps that safe person can help you rephrase certain things or even remind you of other important things to mention. 

Difficult conversations are opportunities for individual and relational growth.

While it can initially feel easier to avoid those conversations, dodging them often results in increased tension, anxiety, annoyance, and hurt. Taking some intentional time to work through whatever the issue is between you and the other person may be what brings some actual peace and relief. It might even be an opportunity to strengthen and solidify your relationship with that individual. Moving forward, you may both understand one another better and know how to be a better friend, coworker, sister, brother, partner, etc. 

So take some time to pause, reflect, and communicate. It’s an important part of creating the deep, meaningful, safe relationships we all need to thrive. 

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

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ADHD, Anxiety, Neurology

I can’t Focus. Do I have ADHD? What’s Happening Inside Your Brain When You Have Trouble Paying Attention

Sometimes focusing our attention feels impossible. As soon as we settle down at the computer, or into a conversation, we can find ourselves darting around, proverbially switching channels back and forth. We can start to wonder, “Do I have ADHD?”

Today we’re going to look at what actually happens in the brain when we have trouble focusing. Whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, understanding how our brains pay attention will help you make changes so you can hold attention in a healthy way. 

Here’s what’s happening in the brain when you focus attention

Your mind is constantly receiving thousands of inputs every second – from your skin and muscles (the uncomfortable chair you’re sitting in), from your ears (that air conditioning in the background), from your stomach (it’s been a while since breakfast!), from your social awareness (I’m surrounded by people right now) and from communication from others (this article teaching you about ADHD), among other things. 

It’s a wonder that your mind can focus its attention at all. It needs a way of organizing a whole world of constantly changing pieces of information so it can keep you safe. The way the mind does this is really important: it focuses your attention on threats so it can resolve them and feel safe again.

Attention Neurology:

  1. The floodgate. First, your mind measures how much information it wants to take in. Picture the difference between eating an apple on an empty stomach, versus eating an apple after an ice cream sundae. On an empty stomach, you might taste intense, complex flavors from the apple. After an ice cream sundae, however, it might hardly taste sweet. This is the job of the reticular formation. It measures how much stimulation (excitement) your brain can take to keep you somewhere between feeling bored and overwhelmed.
  2. The emotional stamp (limbic system). Next, the information is stamped with emotion. Like a message coded by urgency (?), the limbic system tags how important this new information is to your safety and prepares your body to respond. When you feel a tinge of stomach tension at receiving an email from your boss, it’s because your limbic system told you there’s a threat to your safety: you could be in danger of being dismissed or abandoned. Your entire body responds right away, changing your heart rate, blood flow, and attention so you can be safe.
  3. The planning center (prefrontal cortex). Imagine a rider on top of an emotional elephant. The elephant is our emotional brain, charging haphazardly away from danger and toward safety. The rider (prefrontal cortex) has to decide how to direct the elephant’s energy. The rider is a bit frustrated with the elephant’s erratic impulses! He tries to navigate the elephant in a straight line toward the main goal of connection and safety, taking into account social norms, past experiences and outcomes, contextual cues, and other emotions in ourselves and others. The rider considers two main voices: the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) and Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BAS is like a forward-thinking rider. She decides how to direct the elephant’s energy down a certain path. It’s good at planning logical steps that help it achieve goals and satisfy needs for connection and safety. The BIS is like a cautious rider. She pulls the reigns to keep the elephant from running wild. She’s concerned with holding back on emotional impulses, trying to steer clear of social stigma, rejection, and shame.
  4. The reward center (ventral striatum). Think of a party at the end of a marathon: the runner endures enormous pain, finally crosses the finish line, and feels immense relief and pleasure. He completes the goal and finally wins the needed sustenance and support. His brain is flooded with dopamine, which slows his heart rate and relaxes his muscles. Next time he runs the marathon, his mind will stay on task, knowing the reward at the end.

To summarize,

Whenever your mind receives an input, it first evaluates its strength and connection to your survival, and you feel your body become ready to respond. Your prefrontal cortex then plans what to do – to either resolve the need or suppress it and stay on task toward the current goal and reward.

So let’s say you’re writing a brief.

When the project first came up, you felt excitement. Your limbic system tagged the project as important because of your long term goal to make money – and more importantly – be included in a community and avoid abandonment (safety). 

Right away, you felt engaged with the project. Your BAS was organizing your excitement and planning different behaviors to get closer to your goal. You might sit down and outline your project. 

BUT THEN – you get a text. This time it’s from your partner. It says, “I didn’t feel great about how we ended last night.” You feel another rush in your body. This time, it’s not excitement but anxiety. Suddenly the project is out of your mind. If you pay attention, you might notice your BAS organizing yourself differently: “If I don’t respond right away, will they think I don’t care?” You feel the pain of an attachment strained. Your BIS then struggles to evaluate. How important is this new goal in relation to the project? How do I weigh my long-term survival against this immediate conflict? Should I stop working on the project now and call my partner?

Just then, a co-worker asks you a question. “Did you see the game last night?” Your mind is now balancing a few different bids for attention. This is where you start to feel your mind struggling to focus.

Attention problems can be caused by a few different areas

If you struggle with holding attention, there may be a problem with one or several of the brain areas we mentioned earlier. 

Now, before we jump ahead, it’s important to note that the structure of your brain is the combination of your genetics, past experiences, and present experience. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say about 50% of your brain’s structure is caused by your genetics, and 50% is the result of your environment. Why is this important? Too many people confuse “brain structure” with organic/genetic causes. If you have a weakness in your reward pathway, making it difficult to feel pleasure when you achieve a goal, it might be because of an organic/genetic difference, or it might be due to the way rewards have been handled throughout your life. Both genetics and experience alter the structure of your brain.

With this in mind, let’s look at different ways you might be experiencing problems with attention.

Is my focus issue a “floodgate” problem?

Sometimes our problems in attention have to do with how stimulating our environment is. Each of us has a “Goldilocks” zone where we aren’t too bored or overwhelmed, where things are just right and we feel engaged. For some of us, reading a book doesn’t hold our attention. It feels boring and it’s hard to pay attention. For others it feels just right: a quiet room, a book, low light is the perfect amount of stimulation to hold our attention. This has to do with our floodgate, the reticular formation, that is monitoring the volume of the world around us

Extraverts might need to add music, bright light, or tap their feet to raise the volume of the reading so they can pay attention. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by this idea! They might struggle to engage with reading in a loud room, needing to pull away into a quiet room to read.

How about you? If you struggle with attention, it’s possible that you’re either overwhelmed (“I can’t focus! It’s too much!”), or bored (“I can’t focus! It’s too mind-numbing!”). 

Try adjusting the volume of the task by adding or removing stimulation. 

Add music or exercise beforehand to make a boring task more engaging. Retreat to a quiet space away from distractions to make an overwhelming task more engaging. These volume adjustments help us focus our attention.

Is my focus issue an emotional problem?

Attention is anything but a cognitive task. Attention is mostly an emotional task that begins and ends in our brain’s limbic system (emotional center). Our emotional state is the elephant that moves our attention toward a goal to help us feel safe and connected. If anxiety and dread overwhelm you, writing a report is going to be incredibly difficult. Your mind will keep redirecting, over and over, toward your emotional state. 

If you’re depressed, your concentration suffers. Your mind will keep redirecting toward your sadness. But if your mood improves, so does your attention. You’ll even find yourself being more creative at solving problems. 

If you’re anxious, your attention suffers as well. PTSD significantly affects focus and attention. Why? When your world feels unsafe, your mind has to keep redirecting attention.

So what do we do? Trying to force ourselves to pay attention when we’re emotionally overwhelmed is like a tiny rider on top of that emotional elephant: it’s not gonna do much good. 

The only solution is to help ourselves feel safe. 

Regulating our emotions, and soothing ourselves is the first step. Sometimes this is as simple as reminding yourself of a loved one who cares about you. Other times this is about addressing emotional patterns in therapy.

Is my focus issue a planning problem?

After you feel an emotion and your body gets ready to act, your prefrontal lobe starts to plan how to achieve the goal. Sometimes it means telling yourself to stop working on other goals. Other times it means taking time to plan out each step you need to get to your goal. How you manage these two voices (BAS and BIS) has a lot to do with how others in your life have helped you achieve goals. For example, picture a child who’s trying to stack blocks, and gets frustrated. The parent who swoops in and stacks the blocks for the child, while well-intended, doesn’t help the child learn the planning skills they need. A parent that shows the child step by step how to stack the blocks will help strengthen the child’s frontal lobe, nurturing their ability to set and achieve goals. 

In the same way, if we struggle with attention problems today, it might be a planning issue. Maybe it’s hard for you to take a moment to stop and plan the steps to get to your goal. Maybe it’s hard to say “no” to something you want so you can get the larger goal. This can be a powerless feeling – like there’s no way to move forward. This is where we switch attention – largely to avoid feeling powerless.

If this sounds like you, you’ll need to take the time to outsource this part of your brain to a checklist. 

You might try taking time, before the start of the task, to outline the steps you’re going to need to take to get it done. You might also benefit from therapy. Addressing and understanding the feelings you have about setting goals can help you feel focused and in control again.

Is my focus issue a reward problem?

Sometimes our problem with holding attention has to do with a lack of reward. If we can hold our attention well, it’s because we know that by planning and holding out attention on a task, we’ll feel good again, relieved. Think of an Olympic athlete: they strain to hold their attention hour after hour because of the promise of winning gold. Think of a parent who spends an hour learning to bake a cake for their child: they hold their attention because of the promise of vicariously feeling their child’s joy. We hold our attention when we know there will be a reward.

For some of us, there’s no promise of reward. Maybe your own childhood involved a depressed parent who struggled to “light up” when you achieved a goal, and you felt like you could never make them proud. This experience lays pathways in your frontal lobe that influence how you experience daily tasks. Or maybe you’re living alone, so cleaning your house goes unnoticed. Maybe you have a preoccupied boss who doesn’t reward your hard work. In each of these situations, it will be a struggle to hold attention on a task, because your mind struggles to see the reward it’s working toward. 

If this is the main obstacle to holding your attention, you might tend to feel tasks are meaningless, hopeless, or boring. 

How do we help this issue? Some suggest giving yourself a treat when you complete a task: like rewarding yourself with chocolate. You’re welcome to try that if it works for you! For many people, however, this will only get you halfway there. The dopamine (reward) area of the brain is built around social rewards. The strongest reward we can receive is another person’s praise. 

If you struggle with reward pathways, don’t think of giving yourself a treat; think of making the task meaningful. 

How can you link the task with how it will contribute to your feeling connected and helpful in the world? Is there a way to include others in the task so you can receive feedback and praise? Is there a way the task could help someone else? How could you change the task to heighten these aspects?

So, do I have ADHD?

ADHD requires a diagnosis, something you can get by scheduling an assessment with one of our psychologists. Why a psychologist? Because too often, we diagnose ADHD whenever we spot an attention problem, without considering other factors, such as emotional health, life stressors, introversion/extraversion, etc. 

Whether or not you have ADHD, you can rework your relationship with attention. Whether it’s about reducing/increasing the input (floodgate), regulating your emotion (making it more meaningful or less panic-inducing in the limbic system), taking more/less time to plan, or giving yourself more meaningful rewards, there are ways we can shift gears to pay attention, regardless of your diagnosis.

The effort it takes to hold attention can be frustrating. Talk with one of our therapists today. We’ll help you find your way to feel on top of your life again.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

What to do when I’m Anxious? Four simple questions to put you back on track.

Anxiety is that pesky companion that wants to rob you of your control in life. 

  • It hijacks your thoughts during important moments.
  • It tenses your shoulders, your chest, and your digestive system. 
  • It over activates your “what if” fears.
  • It can affect your sleep, diet, and ability to stay present and attentive to life.

You want to take a deep breath, rest once in a while, to be assured that somehow everything will be okay, but Anxiety’s “what if” voice has your amygdala doing somersaults, taxing your nervous system with a constant, low-volume version of fight or flight. 

Anxiety’s Master Plan

Anxiety is most successful at taking over if it can convince you there’s something in your life that isn’t secure or loved. Your amygdala may automatically trigger your fight or flight response when you feel unsafe or unloved.

Fight or flight is beneficial when you are in present physical danger. Your digestive system shuts down, your logic and reasoning are dulled, blood rushes to contracted muscles, and your heart rate increases, so you can expend the energy where it matters when in danger: getting to safety.

Fight or flight is less helpful when you’re worried about a promotion, when you don’t know if you and your partner see eye-to-eye, when a difficult test is around the corner and you aren’t sure if you studied enough. 

We want to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s voice of unsafety and insecurity. Turning down the volume will help you gain a little more control over when you need your amygdala’s essential function and when you don’t. The way to turn on the brain’s logic center is by asking ourselves four crucial questions.

4 Important questions to regain control from Anxiety

1) WHAT AM I FEELING IN REGARDS TO MY SECURITY AND SENSE OF BEING LOVED?

Anxiety’s power is in convincing you that things cannot be okay. Its voice is always found in an unhelpful statement about yourself:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not enough.
  • It’s hopeless.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I should have known better.
  • I’m a failure.

This list is not exhaustive. There are many potential unhelpful messages that Anxiety may be trying to tell you about yourself.

For some, this first question will be the hardest of the four, but it’s essential to start here with Anxiety’s voice so you know how to speak to it. Behind your racing heart, behind your fear of calling that parent, behind your worry about what someone else is thinking, there is an unhelpful voice trying to convince you something negative about WHO YOU ARE. Try in this first step to name that message.

2) WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Anxious symptoms and behaviors are a response to those unhelpful messages that Anxiety wants you to believe about yourself. If you’re convinced you are unwanted, you may struggle with sleeping or what you eat. When feeling hopeless, you may respond in outrage. If you feel like a failure, you may give up or spend hours thinking through a problem instead of experiencing peace, rest, and a solution.

You’ll win the battle against Anxiety when you can 1) name the negative message about your security and sense of being loved, and 2) when you can name how you are tempted to respond to the aforementioned negative message. Here is a small list of potential examples:

  • Excessive worry
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etcetera)
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lashing out
  • Giving up
  • Fatigue
  • Body symptoms  
  • Feeling on edge
  • Changes in diet

3) WHAT’S POSITIVE AND TRUE ABOUT ME?

Here’s where you can consciously choose to divert your attention to evidence that contradicts Anxiety’s unhelpful voice, where you entertain thoughts that are more true about who you are. If this step is difficult, you can begin by journaling about times the negative message was untrue about you. Eventually, practice diverting to these more positive messages in the middle of Anxiety’s advances to lessen its power.

  • There are plenty of reasons to hope.
  • I have proven I can succeed.
  • I will get through it.
  • I did the best I could.
  • There’s reason to believe I am loved and cared for.

4) HOW WOULD I RATHER RESPOND?

Through knowing the truth of who you are and the strength and love inside of you, you have now turned down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful voice and can choose more helpful behaviors and fewer body symptoms.

  • Practice deep breathing and mindfulness.
  • Give attention to the people around you instead of to the problem.
  • Improve eating and sleeping habits.
  • Enjoy soothing behaviors like TV, alcohol, etc., in a healthier, non-excessive way.
  • Complete tasks efficiently with a more solution and strength-based mindset.

How do I know when I need therapy?

Anxiety can be a formidable adversary to fight. Maybe you want a coach to walk you through these four steps. Or perhaps you’d like a little help looking underneath the unhelpful messages, understanding the deeper unconscious drives that have led to some of the symptoms you experience.

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.

You’ve got this!

Integrate these four questions into a regular routine. 

  1. What am I feeling in regards to my security and sense of being loved?
  2. When I feel this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s positive and true about me?
  4. How would I rather respond?

Eventually, you’ll be able to quickly cycle through these four questions in the middle of a stressful experience, utilizing the empowerment of truth to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful messages, and living in the peace and accomplish you long for. 

Questions to Respond to Anxiety Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Reference:

Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I empower young adults and couples to enjoy connection and embrace life transitions.

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Managing emotions

Therapist shopping and feeling overwhelmed? Ask these questions.

Choosing a potential therapist is a big deal, and the significance can make the decision feel overwhelming. This article and the accompanying worksheet will help you think through important factors when deciding on a therapist. Many therapists (including our therapists at Here) offer 10 or 15-minute consultations to ask questions and see if a therapist is the right fit for you. These consultations allow you to meet with a therapist or even multiple therapists before making a financial and time investment in a therapeutic relationship. 

As a note, therapists set their boundaries and choose what they feel comfortable disclosing. Holding boundaries is their right, AND you can choose not to see a therapist who doesn’t answer questions about important issues.


Questions to ask yourself:

  • What is most important to you when choosing a therapist? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. This is your therapist and your journey. You know what matters most. Maybe you have a marginalized identity, and you want to see that identity reflected in your therapist. Perhaps you want a specific type of therapy like EMDR or DBT. Or maybe it’s important to you that you can see a therapist via telehealth to fit a therapy session into your busy schedule. Identify what is important to you and stick by that.
  • How do you know when your therapist is a good fit? Maybe you’ve been to therapy before, and you know what makes you feel safe in a therapeutic relationship.

Questions to ask a potential therapist:

  • What is your definition of mental health? Psychological theories have different opinions on what mental health is. It is important to ask potential therapists about their definition of mental health so that you can compare it with yours. Knowing the definition helps you see if you and your therapist will have compatible goals.
  • What is your theoretical orientation? There are so many theoretical orientations that a therapist can use! A theoretical orientation has specifics on what mental health is, what a therapy session looks like, how much self-disclosure your therapist uses, how frequently you meet, how long the course of therapy is, how they think about psychopathology, and more. You have the right to ask a potential therapist about their theoretical orientation, and a therapist should be able to give you a summary in understandable terminology.
  • Have you worked with my issues/mental illnesses before? This is a great question! What experience does this therapist have that will help them work with you? Many reasons could bring you to therapy, and no way that one therapist could specialize in all of the reasons people begin treatment. Even if a therapist has listed a specialty or experience with an issue on their website, you can ask them to discuss this in greater detail.
  • Have you worked with my particular identities before? How do you integrate theories or training to better treat and support me? Especially if you have one or more marginalized identities, asking this question is a matter of safety. It is absolutely your right to ask your potential therapist how they create safety in sessions. Does this therapist incorporate anti-racist learning and training? What specific trainings have they attended to learn about your diagnosis? What additional certifications do they have? Whatever information you need to feel safe, you can ask.
  • What is the fee for a session? In addition to this question, you might want to know if this therapist accepts insurance or if they’ll provide a superbill for you to submit to your insurance.
  • What policies of your practice should I know? Some of these policies could be canceling appts, COVID-19 safety (vaccine requirements, masks, etc.), and ending treatment.

Above all,

I hope that this article helps you to feel less overwhelmed and more empowered as you search for the therapist that is the right fit for you. If you are interested in learning more about our therapists, click here. If you would like to set up a consultation with one of our therapists, click here.

Questions for your Potential Therapist Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Moriah Conant, MA
Moriah Conant, MA

I connect you with therapists at Here who can help you overcome the biggest obstacles in your life.

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clear your mind
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Three simple steps to help you clear your mind and give you more energy.

Do you ever have one of those nights – where you find yourself tossing and turning, your mind filled with thoughts and worries, “what ifs,” and feelings of uncertainty or fear? Sometimes these same feelings and thoughts pop up throughout the day, with a sudden sense of your mind racing, your heart rate speeding up, and breathing getting shallow. Suddenly, all you can think about is what you said or how you may have messed things up, and your mind begins to consider all the possible things that could happen or go wrong. All of a sudden, that one small thing feels like it has become a massive storm with certainty that everything will go wrong.

But could you learn to take back control of these moments of worry and begin to find a place of rest for your mind and body? By practicing just a few simple steps, you can start to quiet the storm inside your mind, leading to more clarity, better sleep, and the ability to breathe a little more deeply.

Consider these three simple steps to help clear your mind and begin to rest.

  1. Name the fear.
    It’s essential to identify what is at the root of our anxiety. Slowing down and naming what you are most worried about can help you see just what you are most fearful of happening. Maybe it’s the fear that you will lose your job or that you may lose someone you love. Whatever it is, taking a deep breath and saying what you fear will help you begin to take a step toward understanding what has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
  2. State a truth.
    Consider the fact that what you fear could happen, but it is essential also to consider that the facts that may support this fear becoming a reality may not be the whole truth. Often there may be some truths that challenge this fear. Maybe it was another project you worked on that proved you competent and a great asset to your workplace. Or that making one mistake does not mean that you are a complete failure.
  3. Imagine the “best-case scenario.”
    These feelings of fear and uncertainty are often based on the worst-case scenario. What would it be like to ask yourself to consider the “what ifs” for the best-case outcome? Seeing yourself as capable of overcoming or succeeding, rather than imagining only adverse outcomes, may allow you to realize that your fear is only one possibility of what could happen. In reality, there is a possibility of a positive outcome.

As you allow your mind to focus not only on the possibility of what could go wrong and consider what could go right, you may start to notice a mental shift. This shift comes as your mind begins to slow down, and you can think more clearly, sleep more soundly, and feel more energetic in your everyday life.

Clear Your Mind Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

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