the channels in our brains impact how we experience our current external reality
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Neurology

Serotonin doesn’t make you happy: How to re-understand the happiness hormone for a happy life

Written by herecounseling

Does serotonin make you happy? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, how hard you try, you can’t seem to get “out” of sadness. You can’t cheer yourself up, and you feel guilty about it. In this moment, we use a belief – a story – about what we should do to feel better. The false story is that serotonin, the “happiness hormone”, is to blame, and we need to find ways to increase it. 

Serotonin is often referred to as the “happy chemical.” The idea is everywhere: from wellness blogs to pharmaceutical ads. But this simplified narrative leaves out something crucial. Happiness, healing, and emotional well-being are far more complex than a single brain chemical.

But here’s the catch: Serotonin does not create “happiness”, despite what you and I are told.

We’ve been sold a “mechanistic view” of serotonin. In this view, serotonin is like a lever we can pull to increase happiness. This incorrect view has led to ironically unhappy outcomes. In this blog, we’re going to look at the neurotransmitter serotonin. We’ll pull apart the assumptions that have kept us from understanding our own needs and propose a more holistic view that will help you achieve lasting happiness.

What is serotonin?

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps transmit signals between neurons in the brain. It plays a crucial role in regulating mood, appetite, sleep, and social behavior. It also triggers increased neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to adapt and learn). While serotonin is often called the “happiness hormone,” it doesn’t simply cause us to feel happy. While it’s present when we experience happiness, we have to be careful about assuming causation. 

This begs a few questions about serotonin:

  • What is happiness?
  • Does serotonin make you happy?
  • How does serotonin work?
  • If I want to be happy, do I increase serotonin?

Serotonin’s is not a drug that “makes you happy“

As we begin, let’s start by reorienting our view of neurochemicals. Within a Western worldview, we tend to think dualistically about our brains. This means we tend to view our brain as something separate from our “selves”. Further, it’s a way of experiencing the self as a soul-like, unaffected entity that only interacts with our body. A Western worldview sees the brain as a mechanism that causes certain feelings and behaviors in the self.

Someone with a dualistic view of the mind might say, “because my brain was in fight or flight mode, I didn’t feel like myself.” Or again, “my serotonin made me feel happy”. In both cases, we assume two separate entities: the brain and the self. More-so, we assume a causal relationship between the brain’s activity and the self. As such, the cortisol (first example) and the serotonin (second example) “cause me” to feel a certain way.  These dualistic assumptions lead to problematic understandings about our happiness. Let’s explore why.

Don’t confuse the cart with the horse, neurologically

Imagine sitting with friends and feeling a bit bored. In an effort to get into a different mood, you exclaim: “Let’s start having fun.” Unless delivered tongue-in-cheek, such a comment is almost certain to result in comically ironic discomfort. Sensing the discomfort, you insist: “Come on, really: Let’s have fun now.” Why doesn’t this work? While these friends are more than capable of having fun, fun is a byproduct, not a cause. Trying to directly infuse “fun” into the interaction misses the point.

In the same way, it’s a mistake to focus directly on increasing happiness through serotonin.

What Serotonin Really Does

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps nerve cells communicate. While it’s most commonly associated with mood, serotonin affects many parts of the body. In fact, most of the body’s serotonin lives not in the brain but in the digestive system.

In the brain, serotonin plays a role in helping people feel emotionally balanced, focused, and calm. It supports emotional regulation, which can allow a person to better cope with stress. But it doesn’t cause happiness. Instead, serotonin is part of a much larger network that helps the body and mind maintain balance.

It also plays critical roles in sleep, digestion, appetite, and even wound healing. When serotonin levels are disrupted—too low or too high—it can contribute to a wide range of symptoms, from irritability and fatigue to gastrointestinal discomfort or even serious medical complications.

What Causes Low Serotonin Levels?

There’s no single cause. Sometimes, the body doesn’t produce enough serotonin. Other times, the brain may not use it effectively. Stress, trauma, sleep disruption, poor nutrition, and chronic health conditions can all affect serotonin function. But these biological factors often exist alongside emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and past experiences that shape a person’s inner world.

The mechanical view of serotonin keeping you unhappy

A quick Google search for “serotonin and happiness” yields a number of articles that celebrate the mechanistic view of serotonin. Here are a few title and subtitle snippets you can find when searching for serotonin:

“Happy Hormones: What They Are and How to Boost Them”

https://www.healthline.com › health › happy-hormone

“Serotonin is often described as the body’s natural feel-good chemical”
“To boost the serotonin levels in your brain you should…”

“The Chemistry of Happiness: Unlock the Power of DOSE to be a happier you!”
“You can also get tiny shots of serotonin by earning likes for your random social media posts. Yet that high is so short-lived that it is hardly worth it!”

https://jainsandeepk.medium.com/the-chemistry-of-happiness-here-is-the-dose-for-a-happier-you-f483f5891d90

In each of these examples, serotonin is treated like a drug we can mechanically increase to “make us” feel good. To be clear: this is not correct.

However, it makes sense that we’re excited by this idea. Our minds can be chaotic, frustrating, and clunky. If we could only “hack” the code we could unlock what we’ve so desperately wanted from our minds: to be content, happy, full of virtue and productivity. 

We’re distrustful of biohacking happiness, at least on the silver screen

As much as we’re excited by the idea of “biohacking” our serotonin, we’re equally terrified.  Movies such as The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Matrix, and The Truman Show express both the longing to artificially create happiness, and the dystopian outcomes of these efforts. These stories showcase a godlike effort to “hack” the characters’ experience of the world and effectively pacify a darker reality. Truman is given a safely controlled, domed environment partitioned away from a deceitful world. Neo is shielded from the horrors of a post-apocalyptic planet, and Clementine willfully erases painful memories to help her feel happy again. In each film, the biohack intended to produce happiness backfires. It becomes a “prison for your mind” typifying hell.  In each story, the characters reject the biohack in favor of something more “true”. 

The lesson? When we reverse engineer happiness, we’re not happy. 

In the sections below we’ll re-understand serotonin so you can have a realistic and attainable goal for your own well-being that does not fall into the dualistic, mechanistic trap of chasing a happiness hormone.

The Myth of the “Happy Chemical”

The belief that serotonin creates happiness likely grew from the success of antidepressants, particularly SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These medications increase serotonin availability in the brain and can help some individuals manage symptoms of depression and anxiety.

However, this doesn’t mean serotonin is the single cause of these conditions or that boosting serotonin guarantees emotional well-being. Emotional healing isn’t just a matter of chemistry. It involves relationships, history, nervous system patterns, identity, and lived experience.

Relying solely on the “chemical imbalance” explanation can unintentionally reduce a person’s emotional pain to something mechanical or broken. It may also lead to disappointment when medication alone doesn’t provide lasting change.

Serotonin is not just about feeling happy. Research supports this idea. 

A study by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2013 found that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” drives our urge for social connections, and that this in turn triggers the release of serotonin. This chain reaction results in a happy feeling, as serotonin activates the reward circuitry in the nucleus accumbens. A study by the University of Cambridge in 2015 found that low levels of serotonin are associated with lower self-esteem and reduced social status. This suggests that serotonin not only helps us feel connected to others but also influences how we perceive ourselves within our social networks.

Further, the research on the connection between serotonin and social belonging supports what we know about human brain evolution. The Dunbar number is the correlation between the size of a primate’s cortex (the large, energy intensive outer part of the brain) and the size of its tribe. This correlation suggests that the purpose of the cortex isn’t simply to make us “smart”, but to help us attach to a tribe. 

Serotonin is a meter of our connection to others

If the need to attach to a tribe is inherent to our survival, would we expect a bodily signal – a sort of meter – that helps us sense and respond to our level of security in the tribe? The body’s answer is a neurotransmitter that responds to our level of connection with others. It’s interesting that the release of serotonin isn’t just connected to the reward centers of our brains, but also opens our brain to learning new behaviors and skills (neuroplasticity). It’s no wonder that when we sense we’re “in” a tribe we also become more moldable to its customs and skills. 

Serotonin makes us feel rewarded to be included with others, and it stimulates our brains as if to say, “learn how to be useful to this group.”

This dramatically changes our approach to serotonin and happiness. Happiness itself is not just an internal “feeling”. It’s your awareness that you belong. Much like the feeling you get when you’re at a good family gathering. It’s the feeling of a campfire at the end of a hike, a running team that runs and supports each other every week, a hug with a long childhood friend, the singing of a national anthem at a sporting event, or a group prayer in a place of worship. The feeling is that of being at home.

SSRI’s aren’t all bad…

Increasing serotonin through direct means (such as SSRIs, sun exposure, etc.) still have an important roll. For some people with depression, it’s difficult to accomplish daily tasks. Much like pouring starter fluid in an engine, these methods can dramatically help a person increase their energy. The purpose of this “kick-start”, however, is to help the person build connections and belonging. The stimulation of serotonin receptors can start a positive feedback loop to generate real change. 

Reading your serotonin meter

Your body’s serotonin levels swing day to day. 50% of the difference between people’s serotonin levels is a biological set-point. Of the remaining half, we experience a mix between the external world conditions, and our internal way of processing these conditions. For example, if I receive a compliment, that’s an external condition. It may contribute to an increased sense of belonging and self-esteem, thus raising my serotonin levels. But I also make sense of this external condition based on past similar experiences. If I have routinely experienced relationships as flighty or inconsistent, I may immediately reject the compliment. This augments my ability to receive the serotonin experience. In this way, our serotonin levels do not simply reflect our current external conditions. They reflect a combination of our biology, our history of experience, and our current external conditions.

Learn to read your serotonin levels like an electrical meter

What does high serotonin feel like? 

High serotonin is the feeling of self-security. It’s the feeling we described above: home, connected, belonging, part of a team. It carries with it a feeling of “identity” or being grounded in my own body. It couples with the feeling of learning and curiosity. When you feel this way, your body tells you you’re safe and you’re engaged in an activity/behavior/social group that is healthy for you.

What does low serotonin feel like?

In mild cases, low serotonin feels like being bored or understimulated. In Los Angeles (where I’m writing from today), our Western individualist cultural influences tend to carry a mild but constant sense of disconnection from one another. We likely have become used to a relative dearth of connecting experiences. In such a societal structure, such experiences deprive our brains of serotonin. 

On first glance, the results are what you’d expect: higher rates than the global average for depression and anxiety. But we also find some milder but common experiences that we come to see as normal. Existential dread, meaninglessness, isolation, and high levels of alcohol and caffeine consumption point to our difficulty coping with adequate social connection. 

Low serotonin feels a bit empty. Think of the feeling of “FOMO”, or the experience of waiting for a friend that’s taking too long to show up. It feels uncomfortable. These uncomfortable feelings are your serotonin levels dropping in response to less social connection. Similar to our bodies producing the experience of hunger when we have a need for food, our bodies produce the feeling of loneliness when we’re feeling outside of the circle of our social connections.

How to respond to low serotonin levels

If we focus not on increasing serotonin directly, but listening to our level of serotonin as a social connection meter, we can find new solutions. As we mentioned before, there are two ways we can respond to increase our connections (and therefore serotonin levels): The first is to change our external conditions, the second is to create new ways of making meaning out of those experiences.

Change your external conditions

Let’s start with changing our external conditions. This is usually where we want to start to create a change.

  1. Coffee Shop Habit. Create normal, small, daily interactions with others you know. One way to do this is to show up at a coffee shop at the same time a few days per week. See if you spot familiar faces. Simply learning a person’s name can help you feel socially connected. Accordingly, other spaces might be a gym or grocery store. Be consistent, patient, and open (maybe no headphones).
  2. Call a Parent/Grandparent. Checking in with an attachment figure can help you feel connected again. For example, call someone just to say hi. If you have a trusting relationship with a parent or grandparent, a short call can remind you that you belong. 
  3. Call instead of text. Hearing a person’s voice and tone can help you feel connected. This normal, everyday, constant way of being connected is quite low in our digital age. 
  4. Go somewhere social for work. As much as traffic can be inconvenient, studies have shown the social and mental health benefits of being in a social setting for work. For example, if an in-person office is inaccessible, consider setting up shop at a local coffee shop (checking off tip #1 and $4 in one swoop!)
  5. Schedule regular interactions with friends. Having a scheduled time can help you mind positively anticipate a meeting, thus giving benefits to your social mind before and after the gathering. Some people join a book club, or a CrossFit gym, or a religious study group. Focus on small gatherings, between 3-8 people, and it can be helpful to have an intention besides simply catching up. Play a board game, read a book together, or go on a run.
friends connecting socially and boosting serotonin through meeting in person

Is It Possible to Boost Serotonin Naturally?

Yes, but again, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Activities like getting sunlight, exercising, eating tryptophan-rich foods, and reducing stress can all support serotonin levels. Therapy itself may play a role as well, through emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and improved sleep and self-care.

These practices are not replacements for medication when it’s needed, but they are powerful supports for overall well-being. The most effective approach often blends biological, psychological, and relational care.

Serotonin, Trauma, and the Nervous System

People with trauma often experience dysregulation in their nervous system, feeling chronically unsafe, hypervigilant, or emotionally numb. This state can affect the brain’s ability to use or produce serotonin effectively.

Trauma-informed therapy focuses not just on mood symptoms, but on rebuilding a sense of safety in the body and mind. Healing trauma may, over time, support the brain’s natural chemistry — but more importantly, it restores the capacity to feel, connect, and live fully.

How Therapy Helps Beyond Chemistry

While serotonin affects emotional regulation, therapy provides the structure to address what chemicals alone cannot: the underlying causes of emotional pain.

Therapy helps:

  • Make sense of past experiences
  • Recognize patterns of thinking and behavior
  • Strengthen self-compassion and emotional resilience
  • Create new, healthier ways of relating to others
  • Calm the nervous system through relational safety

These are all things serotonin alone cannot do. When combined with lifestyle changes or medication when appropriate, therapy offers a complete path toward healing and integration.

Healing Is Relational

Serotonin plays a role in mood, but healing from depression, anxiety, or trauma doesn’t come from one molecule. It comes from connection. From telling the truth in a space where it’s safe to do so. From working with someone who knows how to listen beneath the surface.

Therapy is more than symptom relief. It’s a process of integration. Of coming back to yourself. Of understanding what shaped you and beginning to rewire patterns that no longer serve you.

There’s room for medication in this journey. But there’s also room for something deeper: healing through relationship, presence, and insight.

Changing our internal condition

Much more important than the external conditions is our history of experience with the world. Long ago, these experiences dug the channels through which our current experiences flow. While changing our external conditions is important, real change happens when we can see the network of “channels” we hold, and form new pathways. If we do not do this, our external experiences may never yield internal relief. 

the channels in our brains impact how we experience our current external reality

This process of creating new pathways happens naturally as we experience empathy and awareness. Simply by talking about our internal process, noticing it, understanding how we came to feel these ways, our minds begin to form new pathways that help us take in our current experience. It’s a bit like having a nightmare, where talking about it helps you to see it for the dream it is, separate from your current reality. 

That’s what we do. We have therapists who can help you build new serotonin pathways so you can create change in your life.

Serotonin is much more than just a “happiness hormone.” It plays a crucial role in our social connections, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being. By understanding its complex relationship with our social lives, genetic factors, and our internal and external conditions, we can take proactive steps to build strong and wide social connections to naturally boost our serotonin levels. So go ahead and start building those connections – your serotonin levels will thank you.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Overcome Seasonal Depression: Best Tips for Thriving in the Winter and Creating New Habits

Written by Rose So

As you see the sun increasingly less during this time of year, you might also find yourself feeling sad and wondering why things are feeling more and more difficult. You notice that it’s harder to keep up your motivation. You’re feeling disconnected from your friends and family. There are days you feel significantly weighed down by your sadness. All you want to do is lay down, take a nap, and not have other responsibilities to attend to. You might wonder if you have seasonal depression: depression triggered by the loss of daylight during winter.

To make matters even more difficult, you feel like you should be happy. Everyone around you seems to be in a celebratory, holiday mood. But for you, thinking of the holidays brings up dread, sadness, and loneliness. You’re not quite sure why, but you know this is not your favorite time of year.

Seasonal depression and the shorter day

The winter change in sunlight exposure tends to signal sad feelings. You’re used to seeing the sun when you’re up in the morning and at the end of the day as you wind down for the night. When the light signal travels down our optic nerve, from our retinas to the occipital lobe (visual field processing), it passes the hypothalamus. Our hypothalamus is responsible for the regulation of many bodily functions, and is closely tied to our limbic system (emotional processing). The more light signal that flows past the hypothalamus, the more it stimulates our mood. With less light, our motivation and mood tends to be lower during this time of year.

Seasonal depression has to do with your memory

Emotional priming and conditioning can be another relevant factor in your mood changes. As the weather slowly gets colder and the amount of sunlight you see during the day begins to decrease, your brain knows that winter is approaching. You’ve been primed to know that these kinds of changes mark the beginning of the Fall and holiday season, which then brings up procedural memories – you begin to feel just like you felt at other winters. In fact, our minds are biased: our brains are better at remembering negative or painful events than positive events. This is where conditioning comes in; you’ve begun to grow conditioned to feel a certain way as you notice the changes happening at the start of the season. You begin to slow down and feel sensitive in ways that typically don’t happen during other times of the year.

            As you notice these external and internal changes happening, instead of sinking deeper into your sadness and succumbing to your feelings, it’s important to be intentional in taking care of yourself. Although doing so may not completely irradicate how you’re feeling, it may at least help mitigate those feelings and decrease the intensity of them.

Things You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself During This Time.

1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling.

Instead of trying to push your feelings away and attempt to ignore them creeping up on you, acknowledge them. You can do this by simply journaling down your thoughts and feelings at some point during the day – whether that be in the morning before you start your day or at night as you get ready for bed. It can feel scary to admit difficult feelings you’re experiencing, but it can also bring so much relief. It’s okay to feel the way you do; you don’t have to work so hard to deny those feelings.

2. Connect With a Friend.

It’s so easy to hole up in your room or home and not prioritize your social needs when you’re feeling down. Everyone seems to be particularly busy around the holidays and you don’t want to feel like a burden to your friends. But by not making time for your friendships, you end up exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Instead of contributing to those feelings, reach out to a friend and get a meal together. Go on a walk together. Grab a drink together. Plan a time to meet virtually for long distance friendships. Do something that will help you feel connected with the people you care about, rather than feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it helps to have dates on the calendar when you know you’ll have a welcomed meeting with a friend.

3. Set Boundaries.

Setting boundaries can feel like a scary or daunting task but it doesn’t have to be. During a time when you’re feeling more sensitive, it’s so valuable to know and respect your own boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Say yes to the social and holiday gatherings you feel good about; say no to the ones that you dread. For events that aren’t possible to excuse yourself from, set time limits for how long you’re willing to be present for. It’s okay to scoot out after you’ve reached your limit. There’s endless possibilities to things that you can set boundaries for – make it personal to you. It may be difficult initially to hold yourself to your boundaries but doing so is a way to be kind to yourself during a time that feels tough.

Your Feelings Are Valid.

During this time of year that’s meant to be “Holly Jolly,” know that you aren’t the only one who may be feeling the exact opposite of Holly Jolly. Bottom line is that it is okay for you to feel this way; it is okay that you tend to struggle with seasonal depression at this point each year. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you ride out the waves of this season.

If you find yourself wanting to explore and process your feelings further, reach out to a professional for help. That’s another way you can take care of yourself during this time that brings up a range of conflicting emotions.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Holiday Resilience: How to enjoy your break despite disappointment

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season.  This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities.  Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays.  It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities.  But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.  

These three simple steps can help you to navigate holiday disappointment. 

Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy.  This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration.   Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.

Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs

Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events.  Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws?  Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship?  Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most.   Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment.  Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. 
Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight.  This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen.  Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis.  By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.  

Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.  

We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays.  But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress.  When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold.  We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss.  Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.  

But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.  

Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful.  Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed.  Ask yourself:

How am I feeling right now?  

What has gone well today that I feel proud of?  

What moments were not as I had hoped?

These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed.  This keeps you in a place of control and regulation.  It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed.   Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration.  Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.

Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance. 

The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks.  Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed.  Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self.  Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance.  Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment.  Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.  

The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement.  Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments.  Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.

While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.  

Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful.  Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.  

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when people understand red flags they can avoid toxic friendships
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Toxic Friendship? How Red Flags can be Opportunities for Growth

Written by Rose So

There’s always that one friendship that feels more tough than easy. You find yourself often frustrated with that person and misunderstood. Maybe you feel like you put way more into the friendship than the other person does. At its worst, you feel used or manipulated. You wonder if the friendship might qualify as a toxic one.

Perhaps this person even reminds you of a previous difficult friendship. Here’s what a toxic friendship might feel like.

  • You find yourself wondering why there are so many eerie similarities between your current friend and that previous friend
  • You start to play the self-blame game and wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the one that’s difficult to be friends with
  • You feel that you consistently give more to the relationship than you receive
  • You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid of a conflict or abandonment

But friendships always involve two people. There’s a dynamic that just one person cannot be 100% responsible for.

These red flags aren’t simply a signal that you ought to leave, though sometimes that’s needed. They’re opportunities to reflect on similar patterns that have happened throughout your life.

We are drawn to friendships that feel familiar.

This can be both a good and bad thing. When we’re drawn to healthy, reciprocal, safe friendships, it’s a no-brainer that we’d continue to surround ourselves with those types of people. However, sometimes we can also find ourselves drawn towards individuals who don’t feel that way; we find ourselves surrounded by individuals who feel chaotic, distant, and even toxic.

It might not be so obvious at first – you find yourself making excuses for the other person, or being overly accommodating. You attend to their needs at the expense of your own. Slowly over time. your feelings don’t feel valid. You’re constantly apologizing or walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t be yourself. You start blaming yourself for the problems in the friendship and try to adjust in order to make the friendship work. You find yourself often feeling anxious or sad when you think about or have to be around this friend.

The hardest part is that this is not the first friendship that has felt this way. So you feel frustrated that it feels like history is repeating itself again. You wonder why you find yourself in this position again. You begin to believe that you might actually be the problem or maybe that it’s not possible for you to have good friendships.

Here’s Where Red Flags and Green Flags Come In.

Green Flags

All of us have learned certain relational patterns throughout the course of our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to have had mostly safe, reciprocal relationships from early on, then we know what those feel like and are naturally drawn to those kinds of individuals. We know the green flags to look out for and the red flags to avoid; green flag friendships are the ones we end up keeping around, while red flags ones are the ones we end up putting distance between.

Red Flags

However, for those that grew up with chaotic, dysfunctional, distant, or unsafe relationships, your sense of green and red flags has been thrown off. You’ve learned how to operate and survive with red flag individuals. You’ve learned to stay silent or to be overly accommodating. You’ve learned to avoid addressing your needs and feelings. You’ve learned all the “right” things to do and “wrong” things to avoid to keep this relationship around.

You don’t like feeling this way but this is the type of relationship that feels most familiar to you and, unconsciously, you find yourself drawn to those that result in you continuing to repeat this relational pattern.

Why it may be helpful to pause, acknowledge, and process your relational patterns

1. You don’t like how you feel.

Maybe you find yourself feeling noticeably anxious or sad around this friend. Maybe your self-esteem has been negatively impacted throughout the course of the friendship. Whatever feeling it may be, you know it’s not how you normally feel or how you feel when you’re with safe, reciprocal friends.

2. You can begin to identify your own relational needs and desires.

What are the green flags that make you want to continue to invest time and energy into a friendship? What are the red flags that might warrant pausing and assessing how to move forward in the friendship? Safe friendships don’t consistently feel one-way or one-sided; there should be a mutual give and take. Is it possible to have conversations about your wants and needs in the friendship? If not, maybe that’s an indication of the kind of friend that the other person is or is not able to be.

3. You can recognize green flags and red flags more quickly in future friendships.

This is key in the process of changing unhealthy relational patterns and learning new ones; you don’t know what needs adjusting until you can identify the things that are not working. By acknowledging your own unhealthy relational patterns, you open up the possibility of learning to engage differently with those around you, which then allows you to form relationships with the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

Moving Away From Toxic Friendships Towards Safe, Green Flag Friendships

Acknowledging and changing old relational patterns is hard work. It requires time, effort, and patience but the benefits of investing in yourself in this way are significant.


You don’t have to stay stuck in the same types of friendships that leave you feeling confused, misunderstood, and alone. If relationships are an area of your life that you want to improve, reach out and work with a professional to do so. You don’t have to do it alone.

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Managing emotions

Will I ever get over this grief? How to integrate loss to create hope

Written by Here Counseling

“Almost all therapeutic work is grief work,” I remember one of my psychology professors saying. This stood out to me as ringing true. We feel grief in many dimensions of our life, in loss, of course, but also in change, even in renewal. We can feel grief when we enter a new phase of our lives, longing for times when things seemed simpler or easier. We can also grieve for a past self and wish to feel like them again. You may have not allowed yourself to fully grieve the complex parts of yourself. Sometimes we want to simply “get over” our grief. Ultimately you will find that processing your grief is possible in therapy.

When we feel sad, we can numb ourselves or turn away from the uncomfortable feelings to cope with the internal pain. We grew up with messages like, “Nobody likes a sad sack.” or, “Don’t be a party pooper.” or, “Put on some lipstick and you’ll feel better.” We are taught that “wallowing in pain” is what weak people do. The irony is that, in fact, wallowing in pain is what strong people do.

Getting over Grief vs Moving Through Grief

Getting over grief

Dr. Gabor Mate said, “All of western medicine is built on getting rid of pain, which is not the same thing as healing. Healing is actually the capacity to hold pain.” We spend so much energy keeping “bad” feelings away that we unintentionally equate any emotional discomfort as not being “good.” When dealing with grief, the opposite is true. We need to pour the energy we use keeping pain at bay into surrendering to it in order to move through it.

Processing grief

So, how do we feel grief without completely succumbing to it? Firstly, we do not focus on “getting better,” or “returning to normal.” As hard as it may be, we take each step of the process as it comes, trying to hold the despairing feelings with compassion while maintaining a core sense of self as you focus on healing. And how do we do that? We reach out, to friends, family, and perhaps most importantly, to a therapist.

Healing the Grieving Hole in Your Heart

An important thing to remember about grief, is that it is not a permanent condition. Grief can visit us throughout our lives, but it does not have to move in and stay forever. The key to dealing with grief visitations is feeling them. Sometimes, when you experience deep grief, it can seem like there’s a hole in your heart. Rather than crawl into that hole and feel the grief, you can fill the hole with guilt. This is another way we avoid the discomfort of processing grief; we defend against it by blaming ourselves. That’s how hard truly dealing with grief is – we would rather feel shame than grief! The truth is, we need to learn how to be in close relationship with grief.

You Don’t Have to be Alone with Your Grief

Two people grieving

Another truth about grief is that we cannot go through it alone. Processing grief is not the time to isolate, but rather the time to thoughtfully engage with those that you can trust, be vulnerable with, and be honest about the pain you are experiencing. Maintaining key relationships with caring people is vital to productive processing. Therapy is the best place to safely navigate deep pain with an experienced clinician holding the full range of your feelings with empathy and unconditional positive regard.

If you want to process your grief in therapy, please reach out. I help people integrate grief and experience greater hope.

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EMDR, Managing emotions

Is EMDR the Right Somatic Therapy for You? How to tell which therapy is best

Written by Here Counseling

“I don’t feel right in my own skin.” That sensation, of not feeling comfortable in your body, is a signal that simply talking about difficult memories, experiences, and emotions may not be enough to fully process and heal from your discomfort. The dis-ease you feel may need to be treated with therapeutic techniques that don’t rely solely on the thinking self, but on the feeling and sensing self as well: that is somatic psychotherapy.

Somatic approaches to healing were originally developed to treat trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, somatic therapies have been found to be helpful for relief of all kinds of stressors. Often, people automatically equate somatic therapy with eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), but there are many other types. Which somatic therapy is right for you?

EMDR – Benefits

When people look for somatic therapy, they often get directed to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR asks you to identify the sources of trauma in your life. As you recall the sources, a therapist guides you to follow certain eye movements (such as following a pen moving side to side in front of you) to retrain the brain on a neurological level to lessen the impact of that trauma memory. This modality has been proven helpful for many people who can identify the life events that caused them to feel distressed and slowly diminish their negative impact on the body and psyche.

EMDR – Limitations

EMDR may not be the best modality to treat conditions that are biological, genetic, or generational. EMDR is not recommended for people who have dissociative disorders, complex trauma, or those who cannot identify the events from their past that bring them emotional or physical discomfort.

You may not fall under any of the above categories, and still found that EMDR did not help you ease pain around past trauma. That may be because you do not get triggered during session when those memories are brought up. EMDR works when the client becomes activated or upset when a certain traumatic memory is brought up, but if you do not get activated, the treatment cannot be effective.

Alternative Somatic Therapies to EMDR

  • Somatic Experiencing (SE): Like EMDR, SE asks clients to return to traumatic memories while a therapist guides them to slowly tolerate body sensations and emotional distress. This modality is based on the nervous system’s flight/flight/freeze response to potential harm. SE helps clients gently release stored energy from incomplete nervous system re-set.
  • Brainspotting: Like EMDR, Brainspotting was developed to treat trauma and identifies spots in a person’s visual field. This modality involves asking the client to discuss difficult feelings while noticing when they blink, twitch, wobble or roll their eyes. These micro movements act as a map for where the client should mindfully hold a particular eye position to help process trauma.
  • Body-Mind Centering integrates movement, touch, voice, and mind. Like Alexander technique, it works to re-pattern the fundamental natural developments of the body. This modality works well for those who are comfortable with free movement and are interested in the application of anatomical and physiological approaches to healing and wellness.
  • Hakomi Method is based on the idea that the body is a core resource for self-understanding. Almost all Hakomi sessions takes place in a state of mindfulness, where the client holds an inward focus on the present moment. This modality also incorporates aspects of depth psychology, which allows unconscious material that the client might not be aware of to surface and be integrated.
  • Sensorimotor Psychotherapy was developed to remedy the disconnect between mind and body during the healing process. Unlike EMDR and SE, this modality does not need the client to return to the traumatic memory itself, but rather simply the time leading up to the trauma, and then talk about any feelings they experience. The therapist will ask you to locate feelings in the body and encourage the completion of movement that were unfulfilled to create closure.
  • Laban Movement Analysis (also known as Bartenieff Fundamentals) is based on the idea that certain non-verbal postures and body movements are connected to specific emotions and that you can impact your emotional state by adjusting your body shape. Therapists “track” client movement during session, offering insight into how the movement may be connected to emotion.

All the above somatic therapy modalities have their own training and certification process. If one of them feels like a good fit, you can find a specific practitioner near you.

Woman receiving EMDR somatic therapy

Somatic Therapy Tailored for YOU.

If you are still not sure if you want to focus on just one treatment style, you can see a therapist, like me, who holds a Certification in Somatic Psychotherapies and Practices and can dip into many different modalities as needed. I highly recommend this path for those with more than one concern or diagnosis, people who suffer from both physical and emotional pain, for those who are unsure about where their emotional or physical pain comes from, and for those who want to augment regular talk therapy with specific somatic interventions tailored to fit their needs.

You may have come to therapy, not because your mind told you to, but because your body did. When the body speaks, listen.

I would love to talk with you more about providing the somatic therapy best for you.

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somatic experiencing therapy
Managing emotions

The blame game: How to stop the cycle of anger and self criticism

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

I had this self critical moment the other day.  I had made a plan for all the things I needed to get done.  I was going to stop and get a few errands done before I headed into the office.  I was sure I could get things completed and into the office with plenty of time to spare.  But I found myself with a very unexpected change in my plan.  In an instant, I noticed myself in this space where it felt like everything else in me was in wild turmoil, as if the world had stopped for a moment and I was stuck in this frenzy of emotion and frustration.

Maybe you’ve faced one of these moments.  One moment you are sailing along perfectly, feeling calm, centered and ready to conquer the day.  The next moment, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, your mind and emotions spinning.  It’s in these moments that you can feel like you’ve been completely derailed from the place of focus and connection with yourself.  Like your very sense of safety and happiness is gone.

Blaming Others vs. Blaming Myself

Often in these moments we can find ourselves moving toward two common responses.  The first is this feeling of anger at the people or situation around us.  We press our fear and frustrations outward onto those around us.  You may find yourself feeling your internal pressure rising and getting defensive and reactive.  This can lead to moments of responding with yelling or blaming others.  

On the other side of this is frustration toward yourself.  Your mind starts to race and you find yourself stuck in these self-defeating thoughts.  The feeling of fear and anger are aimed within us, with blame and self-criticism toward ourselves.   You may find yourself feeling foolish or embarrassed, and begin to blame yourself for all the things you should (or shouldn’t) have done.   

These responses are both natural coping mechanisms that we use to help us to try to move through difficult moments.  Whether is an unexpected change of plans or a critical comment from a co-worker or partner – these moments can cause us to begin to move toward these responses of blame and self-criticism.  This is linked with our survival instinct as a way that our nervous system is using to try to protect us from moments where we feel some kind of threat, which results in this fear response turning on.  

woman freed from self criticism

Begin to understand the pain behind the blame.

Whether the blame is internalized in blaming ourselves, or more external in our frustration and anger toward others, both of these are an emotional response to a deeper sense of pain that we are responding to.  

But the only way to help in moving past these, is to begin to understand what is going on that is behind these behaviors.

Using these three steps, you can begin to allow yourself to slow down the frustration and begin to calm these patterns of blame.

3 steps to slow down and stop self criticism.

1. Tune in to slow down.

Slowing to take a few breathes can be a huge help when you notice these feelings of anger or blame that you may be experiencing.  Often, when we are overwhelmed with fear or anger we are unable to access the place of being able to regain control and calm.  It can be helpful to just allow yourself to be present in the feeling and try to regain control of yourself in the moment.  In these moments our fear response often has us going into a place of heightening of physical tension – our heart rate rises, our breath gets short and shallow, our muscles can get tense.  It is important to disrupt this place of physical tension to be able to then allow yourself to feel safe enough to slow down and decrease the blame.  Breathing in as you count up to 5 and then counting back down from 5 as your breath out can be a great way to help slow yourself down.  Tuning into notice this intentional act of slowing your breath can remind you that you are able to regain control.

2. Begin to understand what you are feeling.

It can be helpful to ask yourself, what is it that is feeling attacked or threatened right now?  It can be hard in the moment to be able to understand what it is that is going on underneath the anger and blaming behaviors, but taking a moment to consider what it is that is the deeper feeling can help us to begin to allow a greater space for understanding that can help us to feel more calm and in control.  You may first start with stating that you are feeling angry or frustrated.  Then begin to ask yourself what am I feeling that is fueling the feeling of anger or self-criticism.  Anger is usually a response to a deeper internal feeling and it is important to be able to name that underlying feeling to help in reducing the blame and criticism that you are experiencing.  It could be that you feel helpless or unseen; maybe you feel alone or unsupported.  Whatever it is, taking a moment to understand and name this feeling is a powerful way to begin to regain control over the anger and blame.

3. Imagine yourself as you would a close friend.

As you begin to notice this underlying feeling, it can be helpful to imagine yourself as you would a close friend.  If for a moment, you can imagine your friend telling you about how they are feeling misunderstood and helpless, you might do something like slow down and take a moment to say that you are sorry they are feeling this way.  You might lean a little closer and ask how you can help them.  You might remind your friend of all the ways you see her as helpful and valuable.  These are likely the same things that you are needing to know to help you to slow down the blame and anger and begin to regain a feeling of internal control and support that you need to be able to move forward.  It could be helpful to use a word or phrase that you can say to yourself that can help to calm this feeling of anger and frustration.  Something like, “I am able to make decisions for myself” or “I am not alone and can ask for help” can be really helpful to slow down regain a sense of confidence and control. 

These overwhelming moments of blame and frustration don’t have to keep you from being able to stay in control and in tune with your truest self.  Learning these three simple steps can help to take you from a place of regret, anger and fear and into a place of connectedness with what you need most. 

Gaining the confidence you need to help you overcome these patterns of blaming yourself and others is possible.  It can be helpful to have someone to come alongside you in this process of change. 

I help people like you to begin to understand their own needs and to move toward a greater place of connection with themselves and those they are closest with. 

 Click below to schedule a free consultation.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

What is somatic psychotherapy? How body awareness restores your mind

Written by Here Counseling

Somatic psychotherapy is the umbrella term for methods of therapy that are rooted in the body where trauma, stress, and memory are housed. Somatic psychotherapies are based on the theory that the body holds emotion and experience. When hard-to-handle feelings and traumas are not processed, they can manifest as anxiety, panic, depression, chronic pain or illness, relational issues, self-esteem problems, grief, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Somatic methods aid in draining the power of these feelings through attunement with the body – its positions, gestures, energies, and sensations. 

Somatic Psychotherapy Modalities

There are many somatic psychotherapeutic modalities. You may have heard of some of them such as, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), Hakomi Method, Brainspotting, and plain old Mindfulness. Ultimately, the kind of somatic work that happens in the therapy room depends on the client and the therapist and can involve a wide variety of techniques, including breath work, visualizations, sensory awareness, posture tracking, guided imagery, gesture, and movement. 

Somatic Psychotherapy Exercises

Sometimes, somatic exercises are very straight forward, such as simply sending compassionate breath toward a particular part of the body that is experiencing activation. Other times, exercises are created on the spot to aid a client’s specific needs in the moment. For example, a client who struggles with low self-esteem feels they are unable to accept compliments. They might say, “Positivity just flows right through me – in one ear and out the other.” In this case, we might mindfully “build” a space in the body to hold compliments, positive feedback, and love. Then, when they hear a compliment, they can visualize the affirmation dropping into and being held compassionately in the space they created for it in their body.

Somatic psychotherapy is a way to help people feel safe in their bodies while exploring thoughts, feelings, and memories. Painful experiences live in us on a cellular level, but we can heal by restoring the body to live with vitality, ease, and joy.

Questions about Somatic Psychotherapy

  • One question I often get is, “Does somatic psychotherapy include talk therapy?” The answer is YES! Although somatic practices are body-based, talking through feelings and sensations is an essential component of the therapeutic work.
  • Another question I get is, “Do I have to dance?” And the answer is NO, not unless you want to. Like most productive therapy, somatic work is client-centered and client-lead. Together with your therapist, you decide when and how to integrate the body into the healing process.

If you choose to work with me, you can expect:

  • I will naturally return to the body in the here and now as a way to ground and understand authentic self.
  • I utilize body scanning techniques to gain awareness of where pain or emotion is located in the body.
  • I track and bring awareness to repetitive gestures or postures that align with certain memories or feelings to aid in self-knowledge.
  • I share tools for calming, centering, and releasing emotions in productive ways.
  • I gently guide clients through painful experiences while noting the accompanying physical sensations and addressing them in the moment.
  • I emphasize the body as a base to locate natural resources, strengths, and self-empowerment.

If you have interest in somatic psychotherapy and healing your body, I would love to talk with you.

Learn about Somatic Psychotherapy with Arianne

Further reading on somatic psychotherapy:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Hardcover) by Bessel van der Kolk 

Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Somatic Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide to Theory and Practice (Paperback) by Halko Weiss 

Somatic Psychology: Body, Mind and Meaning (Paperback) by Linda Hartley 

Awakened Heart, Embodied Mind: A Modern Yoga Philosophy Infused with Somatic Psychology & Neuroscience (Kindle Edition) by Julian Walker

Here Counseling

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Managing emotions

Constantly worrying? How to soothe rumination using somatic psychotherapy

Written by Here Counseling

Have you ever been driving somewhere, and a memory from the past suddenly overwhelms you and you forget where you are going? Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and began to worry about all the things you need to do, until the thoughts take over and you cannot fall back to sleep? Or have you ever had a perfectly normal day, when all of a sudden, a negative thought creeps into your head and snowballs into a sadness that you can’t shake off? This is rumination, persistent negative thoughts that hijack our minds, interfering with normal activity.

Many clients turn to therapy because they cannot get out of their heads or worry too much. Rumination is common, normal, and most of the time, temporary. In some severe cases, it can become continuous and negatively impact daily functions. More common temporary rumination is the mind’s way of letting us know we are anxious, and we can do something to help soothe ourselves out of this state.

Do thoughts have you, or do you have thoughts?

The way I like to describe rumination is that it feels like thoughts have you, rather than you having thoughts. It’s as though your thoughts are dragging you away from your centered self. Thoughts are in control, not you. Here are a few techniques that can get you back to feeling that you are in control of where you mind goes.

1. Move your body to reduce worry

A great way to unlock ourselves from rumination is to move our awareness into our body. If you find yourself ruminating in bed while trying to fall asleep, hug your knees tightly to your chest and then alternate that position with a long, big, full-bodied stretch. You will find that you naturally inhale deeply on the stretch and exhale slowly when you crunch you knees to your chest. Do this a few times. You might even want to exhale with aahhh, shhhhhh, or hhmmm sound, which stimulates the vagus nerve system, helping to promote inner balance and relaxation. 

If you’re driving, shoulder rolls can help bring your focus to your body and you can keep both hands on the wheel! Try inhaling as you roll the shoulder forward and up, and exhaling as you roll them back and down. Try to trace the widest circle your shoulders can make. Again, you can add a sound on the exhale – and the best thing about doing this when you’re driving alone is that no one can hear you. So, make the sounds as loud and weird as you want. A sense of playfulness can also help ease our way out of obsessive thinking.

2. Touch your body to reduce worry.

If you find yourself ruminating, you can give yourself a gentle face massage, or lightly tap the tips of your fingers on your face, head, neck, chest, and shoulders. This body stimulation will aid in notifying your brain that you are safe and not in harms way. It will signal to your brain that it’s OK to relax. You can also alternating tapping your right and then left thigh, which activates your right and left brain, aiding in re-orienting and unhooking from repetitive thinking.

3. Focus on your breath to reduce worry

A tried-and-true method that has helped many of my clients fall back to sleep or bring them swiftly out of a rumination episode is a ten-count visualization. This works best with eyes closed or soft inward focus, so do not do this on the road! Tune into your natural breathing rhythm. When you’re ready, visualize the number one in your mind’s eye as you exhale. Conjure the number so that you see it in front of you, almost like the number appears in your mind floating. Do this for each number all the way to ten, and then begin again with number one. This is the key – always return to one after you reach ten. Some nights, it might take three rounds before you fall sleep and others, ten or twenty. Keep at it! If you find your mind returning to intrusive thoughts let them glide by and return to your ten count visualization.

If you can’t close your eyes, but you need a breathing technique to re-center yourself after you have moved or touched your body out of rumination, a simple box breathe can help. Visualize your inhale moving up the left side of a square, extend or hold the inhale as you visualize tracing the top line of the square, exhale as you visualize tracing down the right line of the square, and extend or hold the exhale as you visualize tracing the bottom line, completing the square.

Freedom to be.

Repetitive thoughts do not have to drag us away from ourselves. They are signals that we need some reassurance, re-calibrating, and re-centering. Activating the body is a powerful way to exit the hamster wheel of obsessive thinking and anchor ourselves in the life force of breath, and just be.

-Arianne MacBean

Somatic therapy in Pasadena with Arianne MacBean, AMFT
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EMDR, Managing emotions

Is EMDR the best way to treat trauma? Proven therapy options to help you recover

Written by Here Counseling

Emotional trauma can be a daily struggle. It can be upsetting to have feelings like fear, panic, anger, or sadness pop-up uninvited. Maybe you have wondered about how to get help, but have felt overwhelmed at the options. Which therapist is going to help me? Is there a “right” kind of therapy that will make my daily life better? And what is EMDR?

I understand how hard it can be to settle on the right kind of therapy for you. In this blog, I’m going to help you make sense of a few of the most common approaches to treating emotional trauma, including EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, CBT, and DBT.

Is there a “go-to” way to treat trauma?

In short, no. Trauma affects people in very different ways. It can be caused by a single highly traumatic event or by repeated experiences to what therapists refer to as “little ‘t’ traumas.” Regardless of the form it takes, trauma can cause long-lasting psychological distress that affects every aspect of one’s life.

Let’s talk options, EMDR and otherwise

The most common form of therapy for trauma is talk therapy. Talk therapy can utilize numerous modalities, from psychodynamic to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Both integrate evidence-based practices. They have been tried and tested and demonstrated effectiveness across various populations and symptoms. EMDR is a new method that many people find highly effective to alleviate their symptoms of trauma. However, it is just one of many therapeutic techniques that can help you more effectively cope with and overcome your trauma. Depending on your needs and preferences, you may select for a therapist who specializes in one/multiple of the following forms of treatment.

1. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

In recent years, EMDR was developed. It quickly became a popular form of treatment for trauma. EMDR was developed in the late-1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro to treat PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). EMDR targets trauma’s underlying emotional and cognitive processes. Therapists who practice EMDR believe that traumatic experiences can become “stuck” in the brain. Memories of trauma can thus cause negative beliefs and emotions that affect one’s ability to cope. EMDR can help reprocess these experiences and help develop more adaptive beliefs and coping mechanisms.

In summary, EMDR involves bilateral stimulation. This may be achieved through eye movements, tapping, or auditory cues. While focusing on these cues, the client focuses on a traumatic memory. This bilateral stimulation is believed to aid the client as they reprocess their traumatic memory, thereby facilitating the client to process the memory in a new manner. In my next blog, I’ll interview a therapist who integrates EMDR into treatment for trauma to further explore the goals, practice, and effectiveness of EMDR therapy.

2. Somatic Experiencing (SE)

Of the other treatment methods included in this blog, Somatic Experiencing (SE) has the most in common with EMDR. If you have ever heard of “tapping,” you are already familiar with SE! SE focuses on the physical sensations associated with trauma. It is based on the belief that traumatic experiences can become “trapped” in the body. SE theorizes that by releasing these physical sensations, you can release the trauma and heal. In SE, the therapist will help you become more aware of the physical sensations associated with trauma. This may include tightness in the chest, tension in the muscles, or a racing heart. You will then learn to tune into these sensations and to develop strategies for releasing them. SE often involves gentle physical touch, such as tapping or holding, to help the person release the physical tension that is associated with the trauma. The therapist might also guide you through movements or exercises to help release the trauma from your body.

3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on the triad relationship between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It is often used to treat anxiety and depression, but can also be effective in treating trauma. CBT will teach you how to identify negative thought patterns associated with your trauma. Then you will learn to challenge them, and then replace them with more realistic, positive, and adaptive ones. This can help you develop coping strategies and improve your overall well-being.

4. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was originally developed to treat borderline personality disorder. However, it has been found to be effective in treating other mental health disorders as well, including trauma. DBT focuses on helping you learn to regulate your emotions and develop more effective coping strategies. In DBT, your therapist will teach you how to identify the triggers that lead to emotional dysregulation. You will then learn and practice skills to help you manage your emotions. These skills may include mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.

So how do I determine which method is right for me?

Actually, you don’t need to choose just one! EMDR is not a standalone treatment for trauma. That means that it is often used in combination with other therapies. EMDR’s goal is to reduce traumatic memories’ intensity and associated negative beliefs. Thus, EMDR can make it easier for you to engage in other forms of therapy. Overall, there are many different therapeutic approaches to treating trauma, and no one approach is right for everyone. The best approach will depend on your individual needs, preferences, and experiences.

What are my next steps?

Whether you choose EMDR, CBT, DBT, SE, or another approach to treating trauma, the most important thing is to take that first step and seek help. If you are struggling with trauma or a trauma-related disorder, it’s important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional who can help you find the right treatment approach for you. As a psychologist, I appreciate when potential clients ask me about my qualifications to help them achieve their treatment goals! I hope this empowers you to ask the therapist you are considering working with about their level of experience and expertise in treating trauma in general and/or in a specific form of treatment.

Trauma can have a profound impact on a person’s life, but it doesn’t have to control it. With the help of a qualified mental health professional, you can develop the skills and strategies you need to heal from the effects of trauma and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Don’t let trauma hold you back any longer – book an appointment with a psychologist today and start your journey towards healing and recovery. Your mental health and well-being are worth investing in, and there is no better time than now to take that first step towards a brighter future.

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