How to Make Your Apologies Work
Managing emotions

How to Make Your Apologies Work

You’ve taken the opportunity to say you’re sorry to your spouse after forgetting that important event of theirs, yet it almost seems to have made things worse. Having just made yourself vulnerable, you’re now also confused why trying to own your oversight has now caused an even bigger rupture. You know it’s a long life and you’re not perfect, and want more than anything to be able to effectively do something about when you’ve messed up and hurt someone you love.

If you look at today’s flower industry, offering good apologies has become a major business. You can choose from endless options of thoughtful apology notes to send to those we’ve hurt. This begs the question, how do we know what someone else needs to hear in order to feel like an apology is real?

Can You Speak the Language of Apologies?

We’ve likely heard of the 5 Love Languages of gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch from by Dr. Gary Chapman. But have you ever considered what your apology language might be? Take how the 5 love languages offer us a framework for how we give and receive love. Apologies are also expressed and received differently between people. The way we give and receive apologies can have a big impact on the quality and longevity of our relationships.

The 5 Apology Languages

We’ve all developed a sense for whether an apology is meaningful to us or not. This process for us typically forms out of our lived experience. This means that no two people have the same experience when it comes giving or getting an apology. Here are 5 common types needed in relationships.

 
1. Making Restitution

This form of apology is for someone that may never take simply hearing the words “I’m sorry” as a real apology. This person needs to hear you clearly explain how your actions had a negative impact; they need to know that you understand why your actions were wrong, unjust, or harmful. They also long to hear that you still love or appreciate them, even though you hurt them. 

2. Expressing Regret

Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” is all that someone needs to feel a genuine apology. For this person, it gets right to the point. This apology is paired best with reflecting your remorse through body language. Depending on one’s culture, this might include gestures such as eye contact or a gentle touch while speaking. 

3. Planning Change

Some people need your words paired with a clear action step to see that the hurt won’t be caused again in the future. However, change is hard, and doesn’t happen overnight. Taking small steps to change demonstrates a track record to others for lasting, effective change. 

4. Accepting Responsibility 

For many people, if the person apologizing can’t admit fault, then they won’t see the apology as genuine. This being said, it’s truly difficult for some people to admit they’ve made a mistake or have hurt someone else. If this may be the case for you, it might be worth considering whether admitting to a shortcoming is what your loved one needs to consider your apology.

5. Requesting Forgiveness 

Some people feel an apology is effective if the person who caused them harm asks them for forgiveness. This is because requesting forgiveness cannot be demanded; it can only be offered by choice. As a result, asking for forgiveness is a vulnerable act that risks rejection. When someone chooses to ask another for forgiveness, just the willingness to ask may be enough for a person to regain trust in the other.


3 Steps to Effective Apologies  

1. Uncover The Apology Needed

Webster’s Dictionary defines an apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy”, or “an expression of regret”. These are both apologies, yet they’re two very different things. As a result, we may give a genuine apology, but it isn’t the kind of apology that feels healing to the other person. For example, we can admit an error, yet the other person doesn’t believe we made a true apology. Likewise, expressing how poorly you feel about causing them pain will work for another person in the apology process.

2. Release the Outcome of Apologizing

Once understanding the diversity in how people determine what’s a real apology, it’s important to let go of the outcome. While providing the right apology is the first step towards reconciliation, even the best apology can’t determine that reconciliation between two people occurs. Each person in a relationship has a choice in deciding whether they wish to restore what’s been broken. Consequently, making peace with the idea that an apology doesn’t always mean reconciliation will help you to adjust your expectations. In this way, we can experience greater freedom in life by knowing that it is always possible to offer a true apology, even if we don’t have full control over the outcome.

3. Know Your Own Apology Needs

An important part of knowing how to apologize to others is to understand what kind of apology we ourselves need to feel we can continue to experience trust in the relationship. Here are some practical exercises to help you master the art of apologizing. 

Reflect on Past Apologies

One helpful way to increase our mastery of apologies is journalling about the best or worst apology you’ve ever received. How did this apology make you feel? Did you really like that they showed you their feelings of regret for what they caused? Or maybe they instead asked you what they could do immediately to make it better? Alternatively, consider how someone in our past offered an apology that added to the hurt instead of alleviating it. Once we understand our own needs in an apology, it becomes easier to provide more sincere and effective apologies to others in our lives. 

Discover the Apology Language of Those in Your Life

Just as writing about your own experiences with apologizing can help you to understand the apology process, so can asking the people you’re closest to about their experiences. This doesn’t have to be in a moment of conflict. Actually it works great to learn these important details about your friends and family in periods of peace and positive relating. Try finding a moment over coffee or during your next outing to ask your loved ones about their definition of a good apology.

Reach Out 

Connect with someone who can support you in understanding your unique relational patterns with work, friends, and family. I help people strengthen their relationships so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom.

Therapy for trauma and depression with McKenzie Laird, AMFT

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How To Know Your Feelings: 5 Steps to Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is crucial for our mental and relational health.

Sometimes you worry that your mood changes at the drop of a hat. A family member asks you a question that catches you off guard, and you yell. Some time afterward, you realize that their question was pretty reasonable, and that the yelling may have been an overreaction. You start to add up all the times, even over the past week, in which you had a short fuse. You feel bad at how it impacts your relationships. Yet you know telling yourself to “stop it” only goes so far. What’s going on here?

Our ability to navigate relationships and reactions well involves a self-reflective skill called emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to notice what you’re feeling so you can manage it in a healthy way. Can you describe the difference between feeling:

  • stressed vs. overwhelmed?
  • frustrated vs. irritated?
  • angry vs. disappointed?

In this blog, you’re going to learn how to pinpoint with accuracy what’s going on inside you at any given moment. By practicing this set of skills, you’ll be able to make better choices for yourself and relationships with others.

Here’s how to breakdown pinpointing your emotions.

RULER: An Acronym for Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is a common term used to describe the awareness of one’s emotions. However, the way emotional intelligence is frequently discussed is often not the way it really is. According to emotions expert Dr. Marc Brackett, emotional intelligence is better understood as a set of skills. He uses the acronym RULER to describe these skills.

Understanding Emotions with RULER

R: Recognizing Feelings

The R in RULER stands for Recognizing emotions in oneself and others.

Have you ever tried reading someone’s facial expression as a clue to know they’re feelings about what you just said? What about providing an accurate answer to the question, “how’re you feeling today?” These are common scenarios in which recognizing emotions ourselves and in others become important to effective communication.

Start with the Energy and Pleasantness of How You Feel

In addition to RULER, Dr. Brackett shares the following tool called the Mood Meter from the Yale Center of Emotional Intelligence to help us differentiate emotions that may seem generally similar to one another.

Energy and Pleasantness

Can you locate the general sense of how high or low energy you feel right now? That’s often easier in the moment than recalling a nuanced emotion word, at first. How about the general sense of how pleasant or unpleasant you’re feeling? With the mood meter, you start with the general sensation of how you’re feeling and differentiate from there. For example, you may readily identify that you’re feeling lower energy and a moderate pleasantness. As a result, you’re able to determine with greater accuracy that you’re feeling relaxed in the moment.


U: Understanding Feelings

The U in RULER stands for Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions.

“Is this person interested in what I’m saying?” “Am I bored?” Once you’re able to recognize emotions in yourself and others, you’re next able to get curious about why someone feels the way they do. As a result, we can decide how to best connect to them in the present moment.

Differentiation Between Similar Feelings

One common conception about our emotions is that many emotion words are actually just describing the same generic feeling.

According to Dr. Brackett, when we’re able to differentiate between emotion states, then we’re able to pick a strategy that works best for that situation. For example, if you’re uncertain about the future, a breathing exercise may not help you. However, a cognitive strategy such as challenging a negative thought might be of assistance. On the other hand, if you’re actually overwhelmed, a breathing strategy such as box breathing may be the best strategy for the moment.

feeling

4 Commonly Confused Feelings

When we misdiagnose what we’re feeling, we’re unable to fully know the best strategy to cope with it. Here’s 4 common emotions commonly confused for the others.

Anxiety: Uncertainty about the future.

Stress: Distress from too many demands and not enough resources.

Overwhelm: Saturation with so much stimulus that you’re unsure of what’s happening. 

Fear: The belief that someone or something is dangerous, painful, or threatening.

L: Labeling Feelings

The L in RULER stands for Labeling emotions using a nuanced vocabulary.

Describing our emotions using precise words. Consider the things that make you feel peeved versus irritated versus enraged. While everyone may feel emotions differently in their body, it’s important to have a rich vocabulary for the precise emotion we’re feeling. This is because without it, we can’t really communicate effectively about our specific experience. When there’s a common language of emotion within a community, we can communicate about these emotions in a way we can understand. 

Granularity Within A Feeling

Just as distinguishing between two emotions helps us to determine what to do next, so does being able to distinguish between different shades of the same emotion category. Take for instance, anger. Are you outraged about a deep injustice? Or are you only mildly annoyed from someone changing lanes with no signal during traffic? Often times, knowing the degree to which we’re feeling an emotion can help us even better select what we choose to do with our emotions. When our behavior choices are disproportionate to the emotion felt, it may be time to get curious about why that is. We can learn how to make different choices based on the granularity of our anger, sadness, or fear.

Differentiation: Distinctions Between Emotions

Granularity: Nuance Within An Emotion

E: Expressing Feelings

The E in RULER stands for Expressing emotions in accordance with cultural norms and social context.

We have to know how we feel. This is because when we know how we feel, we can decide what we want to do with those feelings instead of letting them determine our behavior by default. Knowing how and when to express emotions with different people across contexts and culture provides us the opportunity to effectively communicate with the people around us. As a result, we more readily achieve the outcomes we want in our interactions with others. And, in effect, other people can more clearly and readily see us, hear us, and know us. A great first step to practicing expressing emotions is to share your feelings daily with trusted others using a nuanced set of emotion words.


R: Regulating Feelings

The final R in RULER stands for Regulating Emotions with helpful strategies.

Any emotion on average, visits for around 90 seconds. Consequently, this helps us to know we can effectively manage any emotion, no matter how overwhelming it can be. Once we’re open to expressing our emotions, using helpful strategies can help us ride the wave of our emotions instead of the wave riding us. Some of these helpful strategies can include specific acts of self compassion, self-soothing, positive distractions, and physical movement.

Start Growing Emotional Intelligence Today

I help people start recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating their emotions by providing guidance and support.


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Overthinking: It’s Hidden Danger & Tips To Unlock True Healing

Overthinking is an exhausting cycle. Here you are again, replaying a conversation in your mind, dissecting every word, and analyzing what you could have said differently. Or maybe you’re diving into endless research about a problem, trying to think your way out of discomfort, only to feel more stuck.

You’re frustrated and hate getting stuck in this cycle. You find yourself trapped in your thoughts, analyzing every detail, instead of feeling what’s happening. This is a common habit, often referred to as intellectualization. It involves focusing on facts and logic to avoid uncomfortable emotions and while it may seem like a safe way to protect yourself from pain, it can actually hold you back from true healing and growth.

In this blog, we’ll explore how overthinking prevents genuine healing and provide practical tips to help you break free from the trap.

What is Intellectualization?

Intellectualization is when you use logic and reasoning to avoid confronting the emotional aspects of a situation. Instead of processing feelings associated with difficult experiences, you might dive into research, analyze the facts, or discuss events in a detached way. Sometimes this can be helpful – it can make you feel in control and provide a temporary sense of clarity. While this might temporarily soothe your discomfort, it actually distances you from your emotions, keeping you trapped in a cycle of overthinking.

How Overthinking Actually Holds You Back

Emotionally Disconnected

When you constantly analyze rather than feel, you disconnect from your emotions. This emotional distancing might make you feel safer in the short term, but it can lead to a sense of numbness and a lack of true self-awareness. Over time, you may find yourself trapped in your mind, unable to truly understand or express your feelings.

Anxiety and Exhaustion

Overthinking doesn’t alleviate anxiety; it amplifies it. When you stay in your head and try to intellectualize your emotions away, the unresolved feelings remain and manifest as chronic stress and anxiety. The more you think, the more overwhelmed you become, leading to mental exhaustion and a sense of being trapped in a loop of worry and doubt.

Overthinking As A Barrier to Emotional Healing

Overthinking and intellectualizing prevents you from addressing the core emotional issues that need to be processed for true healing. By staying on the surface and avoiding the deeper emotional work, you remain stuck in the same patterns, unable to move forward. Instead of resolving pain, you end up prolonging it.

Strained Relationships

When you intellectualize your emotions, you may also struggle to connect with others on a deeper level. Relationships thrive on emotional intimacy and vulnerability, but overthinking can create a wall that keeps others at a distance. This can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and a feeling of isolation.

Overthinking: Why Do We It?

Fear of Vulnerability

Intellectualizing is often a defense against vulnerability. It can feel safer to talk about emotions from a distance rather than allowing yourself to truly feel them, especially if you fear judgment or rejection. However, this need to stay in the safety of your mind can create a prison where genuine emotional experiences are avoided.

Cultural and Societal Norms

Society often values rationality and logic over emotional expression. This can lead people to believe that being “logical” is stronger or more mature than being emotional, causing them to suppress their feelings. Over time, this can reinforce the habit of intellectualizing emotions, making it harder to embrace your emotional experiences.

Past Experiences & Their Influence on Overthinking

If you grew up in an environment where emotions were not openly discussed or were dismissed, you might have learned to think through emotions (or intellectualize) as a way to cope. This behavior can continue into adulthood, becoming a default response to emotional distress. Feeling trapped in your head becomes a familiar, but ultimately limiting, way of navigating the world.

overthinking openness

Tips to Break Free from Overthinking and Start Feeling

Recognize When You’re Overthinking

Start by noticing when you tend to shift into analysis mode. Are there specific topics or emotions that trigger this response? Becoming aware of this pattern is the first step toward breaking free from the mental trap of overthinking.

Allow Yourself to Feel

Practice allowing yourself to feel emotions without immediately analyzing them. Try to sit with your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, and notice how they affect your body and mind. It can be helpful to name the emotion you’re feeling and acknowledge it without judgment. This can help you escape the loop of overthinking and connect more deeply with your inner self.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing, meditation, or body scans, can help you stay present with your emotions rather than getting caught up in your thoughts. Grounding techniques like focusing on your senses can also help bring you back to the present moment, freeing you from being trapped in your head.

Express Yourself

Find safe ways to express your emotions, whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or speaking with a therapist. Expressing emotions can help you process and release them, rather than keeping them trapped in your mind. This expression can break the cycle of intellectualization and lead to more authentic emotional experiences.

Seek Support

If overthinking or intellectualizing is continually affecting your relationships and well-being, consider seeking help from a therapist. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and process emotions in a healthy way and help you build new, more adaptive coping strategies.

A Way Forward

Intellectualizing your emotions might seem like a way to stay in control and avoid pain, but it often leads to more anxiety, disconnection, and emotional stagnation. When you are trapped in your thoughts, you miss the opportunity to truly experience and heal your emotions. I can help you breaking free from overthinking so you can be free to embrace your emotions. By helping you truly feel and express your emotions, I can help you move beyond intellectualization and start living a more emotionally fulfilling life.

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Do I have Trauma? Upending Common Myths About Trauma

Trauma is a term loosely thrown around social media and coffee conversation to describe a variety of social interactions we encounter in our lives. We hear about experiences with trauma dumping, trauma bonding, and being triggered in everyday conversation. So, what really is trauma, and how do you know if you have it?

Trauma, Like a Spiderweb, is Protective.

Whether illuminated by the night sky or covered in morning dew, spiderwebs fascinate us with their intricate design. If you’ve ever walked through one, you know how strong they can be, despite being woven of finely spun silk. Commonly known as the way spiders capture food, spiderwebs are also a naturally defensive structure. In a spider web, any small tug to the outer silk strands alerts the spider of potential danger. Trauma is an inner defensive structure that behaves like a spiderweb: one delicate pull on our web-like trauma alerts us to self-protect from harm. This becomes expressed through our attitudes, values, and expectations about life. 

Trauma is what happens internally based on a negative event. 

Derived from the greek word τραύμα, meaning wound, the buzzword trauma covers a broad range of experiences today. From surviving a natural disaster to being bullied, determining whether a negative experience was traumatic depends on a multitude of factors. So, if we all have bad things happen to us at some point in our lives, how do we know if we’ve experienced trauma as a result of them? And, how much does trauma really affect us?

A Negative Event is Not Trauma.

The event is not what causes trauma. In fact, it’s the overwhelming emotional response to the negative event making us feel unsafe. Trauma shapes our reaction to future similar events, as to prevent the same overwhelm of the brain and body from happening again.

Trauma is Unique for Everyone.

Whether or not a person incurs trauma from a distressing event depends on a variety of factors. For instance, a car accident may injure one passenger who recovers fully, while another passenger of the same car experiences an emotional disturbance from the event well after it’s over. This can happen due to the variance across people’s lived experience, health, personality, and a variety of other factors. For instance, that same passenger who recovered completely from the car accident may experience a prolonged emotional disturbance from having their home broken into, or from discovering that a trusted other lied to them.

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens as a result of what happens to you”.

– Gabor Mate`

Leading trauma expert Dr. Gabor Mate´ explains how “trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens as a result of what happens to you”. Dr. Mate´ also emphasizes how trauma takes on less obvious forms like emotional disturbances from our earliest relationships and experiences. This form of trauma results in lifelong pain until it is dealt with. As a result, it distorts our view of the world in a negative way, and impairs our ability to live fully in the present. 

Safety Means Having Resources

The difference between someone who has a traumatic response and one who doesn’t has to do with their internal and external resources. Someone with internal and external resources has the ability to return to safety. Internal resources are those like the ability to self-soothe, and having self-esteem. External resources include having a support system of trusted others who can help you to understand and process what happened. A person with fewer internal resources, such as a young child, remains overwhelmed by a distressing event because they’re not yet able to self-soothe. Additionally, if a child can’t process a negative event with trusted others, they make meaning of the negative event themselves. Examples of the stories we may tell ourselves when we’re unable to return to safety are those like, ‘the world is unsafe’, or that ‘we’re fundamentally a bad person’.

3 Main Types of Trauma

Acute according to Sandstone Care, comes from a single stressful event that overwhelms the body and keeps it in a state of vigilance. Examples include car accidents, physical violence, and natural disasters. Some common symptoms include irritability, flashbacks, avoidance, anxiety, and difficulties focusing.

Chronic occurs when a person exposed to repeated or extended stressful events develops a consistently overwhelmed nervous system. This form makes daily life difficult and distorts a person’s worldview, their perspective of themselves and of others. Examples include long-term illness, neglect, and domestic abuse. Common symptoms include depression, anxiety, difficulty managing your emotions, and feelings of guilt and shame.

Complex is when a child experiences a series of stressful events that overwhelm their system over a period of months or years. With this form, the brain and the body develop sophisticated defensive structures. These protect the young person, by putting them in a fight, flight, or freeze, or fawn mode when encountering unsafety or perceived unsafety. Common symptoms include a foggy memory, hyper-vigilance, low self esteem, headaches, and difficulty in interpersonal relationships.

2 Steps to Resolving Traumatic Experiences

By dealing with trauma, you reclaim your outlook on life and reconnect to yourself and others. If you or a loved experience difficulties, you can find help. Connecting with a trusted mental health professional can help you address your longstanding pain. Once this happens, we experience greater freedom in life, have less guilt and shame, and cultivate more capacity to live in the present moment.

1. Get Curious. Curiosity Moves Us Toward Healing.

The first step is to become curious about whether your emotional pain could be from the spiderweb-like protection system of trauma.

2. Reach Out.

The second step is to connect. I help people recover from traumatic experiences so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom. Reach out to me today for a consultation.

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Suicidal Ideation is Actually a Cry for Needed Change: Hope

Suicidal ideation is isolating. People with suicidal ideation often constantly battle thoughts about death and dying. Managing these feelings alone is tough, and it becomes an even heavier burden when we don’t discuss them. Society doesn’t teach us to openly talk about suicidal ideation. Yet locking away these thoughts only deepens the loneliness and pain.

The truth is, suicidal ideation is more common than we think. Yet it doesn’t have to be something we carry alone. Rather than seeing these thoughts as something to be ashamed of, we can begin to recognize them as a signal that something in our lives needs an immediate change. It’s a call for help, an invitation to reach out, and an opportunity to reclaim our lives with the right support.

In this blog we’re going to help you see suicidal ideation in a different way: as a way of crying out for care – a cry that needs to be expressed. We’ll talk about what suicidal ideation really is, why it’s important to talk about it, and how therapy can help you navigate these thoughts with compassion and hope.

What Is Suicidal Ideation?

Suicidal ideation is when you are experiencing intrusive thoughts about wanting to die. Suicidal ideation can range in intensity and look different for everyone. For example, you might feel like you don’t want to be alive but you have no concrete plan for actually making that happen. Or you might have very active suicide ideation with a detailed plan as to when, where, and how you will act on the idea. Having thoughts about wanting to die often doesn’t mean you actually want to die. Rather it’s a sign that something is wrong in your life that needs to change.

“I’m so afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts”

There are a lot of fears around sharing these thoughts with other people. You fear that someone will misunderstand you or escalate the issue to the police. You’re worried that expressing yourself might worsen the situation instead of improving it.

One of our therapists Dr. Jeff Chan puts it this way:

“Thoughts of ending your life can feel overwhelming and frightening. It’s common to worry that others might judge you or that having these thoughts means something is deeply wrong. But it’s important to know that suicidal thoughts are often a symptom of intense pain, not necessarily a desire to die.

Most of the time, we don’t want to end our lives—we just want the pain to stop, and it feels like there’s no other way out. Talking about these thoughts, especially with someone who cares, can help take away some of their power and open the door to finding ways to heal the pain at the root of it all. We’re here to help figure that out together.”

What To Do If You’re Experiencing Suicidal Ideation

  • Seek support from a friend or family member: The first step to take is to let someone know. You can start by sending a text to a trusted loved one, saying something like: “This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts and it might help to talk. Are you free?” This is a vulnerable step. Yet it is important for the people in your life to know how you are feeling inside.
  • Contact a Therapist: Reaching out to a therapist and setting up an appointment can provide you a sense of hope knowing that you have something on your calendar that will help. Therapy is a safe place to talk openly and freely about what you have been feeling.
  • Call or text the Suicide Crisis Line: Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re not sure who to tell yet, you can start by talking to the lifeline number to find support and safety there.

Consider making a plan of who you can talk to when suicidal ideation feels overwhelming.

When you get the right care for suicidal ideation, everything changes

Suicidal ideation is a signal that something in your life needs to change, and with the right support, you can begin to make those changes. By breaking the silence and reaching out for help, you’re taking the first step towards healing.

As Dr. Connor McClenahan explains,

“When we talk about suicide ideation, we begin to experience safety and hope. There are many people like you who experience this, and when we can talk about it—that’s when we find healing.”

Healing starts with a conversation. When the cry is only internal, it can feel chaotic and overwhelming. By sharing your thoughts with a safe person, you open the door to new possibilities. You begin forging a path forward that’s defined by hope, not pain.

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First time in therapy? How to Talk About The Scary Stuff

So it’s your first time in therapy. You know that talking about difficult aspects of your life with your therapist is normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! There is a part of you that wants to share and get support from your therapist, but there is also a part of you that fears being judged and worries about having to face deep hurt. Being able to speak freely and safely in therapy is crucial for your healing journey, but it can also be nerve-wracking. Here are a few ways to address challenging topics with your therapist.

Won’t talking about bad things make me feel bad?

You worry that talking about depression, anxiety, trauma will make it worse. But the reverse is true. There are surprising benefits to talking about what’s uncomfortable.

  • You can finally live more authentically
  • It becomes less scary when you talk about it
  • You’ll become more courageous and brave

1. Start with how you feel NOW

You get to be exactly where you are in your own therapeutic journey. If you feel scared about discussing a certain topic, start there. Tell your therapist that you feel uncomfortable or scared talking about a specific issue. This gets you over the hurdle of broaching a difficult subject. You can say, “I want you to know there is something important I need to bring, and I’m feeling scared to talk about it. I might need your support in how to talk about it.” A good therapist will always honor the time you need to address scary stuff and provide support in helping you get there.

2. Communicate what you need

Let your therapist know what would be helpful for you in discussing a tough topic. You can ask for no interruptions, or no immediate responses. You can also ask your therapist to allow silences, or alternately, to encourage you when silences occur. Let your therapist know how they can create a safe space for you to speak without restrictions.

3. Ask anything

You can ask your therapist any questions that arise during session. If you have concerns or confusion about how things work in therapy or in the client/therapist relationship, ask! You may ask your therapist to review confidentiality or to explain something that doesn’t sit right or feels unclear. A good therapist will accept your questions as an opportunity to build trust and mutual respect.

Remember your therapist is a trained professional

Therapists go through years of education and clinical practice to hold their clients’ complex emotions. Just as you must disclose painful things to your doctor to stay healthy, you need to talk with your therapist about unpleasant or embarrassing feelings. Therapists are prepared to discuss all experiences and feelings you have. This is their job. If you still feel uncomfortable talking with your therapist, it’s OK. Go slow and trust that the important things affecting your lie and experience will come up eventually. A good therapist will guide you toward what needs to be discussed.

Disclosing essential information will help you

If you want to get the most out of your therapeutic experience, it is helpful to share the significant issues. For example, it’s important to tell your therapist if you have suicidal thoughts or are in danger of hurting yourself. This will help your therapist get you the immediate resources you need to stabilize and feel safe. It is good to disclose chronic illnesses or diseases, upcoming surgeries, as well as current or past in/outpatient psychiatric treatment. Your therapist can tailor your sessions to complement other treatment and create the continuity of care you deserve.

You’ll feel better

Finally, remember that speaking with your therapist about shameful or uncomfortable issues can be awkward at first. However, processing those feelings with a caring professional will move you into acceptance and ease where you are happier, lighter, and more yourself.

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Defeating Perfectionism: How to Reclaim Joy and Embrace Imperfection

On the surface, being a “perfectionist” might not seem so bad. You want to always be doing your very best. That’s not so bad, right? Unfortunately, the reality of long-standing perfectionism can end up doing more harm than good. Perfectionism often leads to stress, anxiety, and feeling like you are never good enough. The underlying desire to be perfect can end up robbing you of joy and leave you feeling trapped in an exhausting cycle of self-criticism.

If you’re tired of striving for unattainable standards, it’s time to take a step back and consider a different approach. This blog will talk about how you can defeat perfectionism, reclaim joy, and embrace the beauty of imperfection.

Understanding Perfectionism: More Than Just High Standards

Perfectionism isn’t just having high standards – it’s about setting impossible ones. Perfectionists often equate their self-worth with their ability to achieve flawless results, which can lead to constant disappointment and a fear of failure. This mindset can cause you to procrastinate, avoid challenges, or overwork yourself to the point of burnout.

But here’s the reality: Perfection is an illusion. It’s a moving target that’s impossible to hit, and the pursuit of it can prevent you from enjoying life’s simple pleasures and from appreciating your accomplishments.

The Impact of Perfectionism

Perfectionism can have a profound impact on your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. It often leads to:

Strained Relationships: Perfectionism can cause unrealistic expectations for yourself and others, leading to frustration, disappointment, and tension in relationships.

Anxiety and Stress: The constant pressure to be perfect can create overwhelming stress and anxiety. You may feel like you’re never good enough, no matter how much you achieve.

Procrastination: Fear of making mistakes can lead to procrastination. You might delay starting tasks because you’re afraid you won’t do them perfectly.

Depression and Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often closely connected to feelings of depression and low self-worth. When you constantly criticize yourself for not being “perfect,” it creates a cycle of negativity where you feel overwhelmed and inadequate. This self-criticism can make it hard to ever feel good enough, no matter how much you achieve. Over time, this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression. The pressure to be flawless not only prevents you from celebrating your successes but also robs you of the ability to feel grateful or proud of what you do accomplish. Instead, you’re left feeling like nothing is ever truly satisfying or fulfilling.

depression perfectionism

Strategies to Defeat Perfectionism

Recognize Self-Criticism: Become aware of your inner critic and challenge negative self-talk. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, reframe these thoughts to highlight growth and learning. Shifting from criticism to compassion can reduce feelings of inadequacy.

Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts: Ask yourself, “Is it really necessary for this to be perfect?” or “What’s the worst that could happen if this isn’t flawless?” Often, you’ll find that the fear driving your perfectionism is irrational and that it’s okay to aim for “good enough.”

Set Realistic Goals: Set realistic, achievable goals. Focus on progress rather than perfection. Celebrate small wins and recognize that each step forward is valuable, even if it’s not perfect.

Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities: Mistakes are inevitable. Instead of seeing them as failures, view them as opportunities to learn and improve. By accepting that mistakes are inevitable, you can reduce the fear that drives perfectionism.

Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. When you fall short of your own expectations, remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. Self-compassion can help you break free from the cycle of self-criticism and find joy in your efforts.

Limit Social Comparison: Comparing yourself to others, especially in the age of social media, can fuel perfectionism. Remember that what you see online is often a highlight reel, not the full picture. Focus on your own journey and progress, rather than measuring yourself against others.

Reclaiming Joy and Embracing Imperfection

When you let go of the need to be perfect, you make space for joy, creativity, and fulfillment. Embracing imperfection allows you to take risks, try new things, and experience life more fully. It frees you from the constant pressure to perform and opens the door to authentic happiness.

Remember, you are more than your achievements. Your worth isn’t defined by flawless performance, but by the unique qualities and experiences that make you who you are. By defeating perfectionism and embracing imperfection, you can reclaim the joy that comes from living a balanced, meaningful life.

Seeking Support

Perfectionism is a tough habit to break, but the rewards of letting it go are immense. Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that progress, not perfection, is the key to a happier, healthier life. If you are struggling, I can help you to defeat perfectionism, embrace your imperfections, and reclaim the joy that’s been missing from your life.

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Managing emotions

Conquer Self-Sabotage: Overcome your Frustration and Actually Accomplish your Goals

Self-sabotage can be incredibly frustrating. It might look like procrastinating on an important task, talking yourself out of a great opportunity, or setting unrealistically high standards that you could never meet. If this sounds familiar, you’ve likely found yourself caught in the cycle of self-sabotage. It can be frustrating and confusing, leaving you wondering why you keep getting in your own way. You’re not alone. Understanding the root of self-sabotage is the first step towards breaking this frustrating cycle.

This blog will discuss what self-sabotage is, how it manifests, and some helpful strategies to overcome this behavior.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when you prevent yourself from reaching your goals. It’s a pattern of behavior where, consciously or unconsciously, you undermine your own efforts. This could manifest in ways like procrastination, negative self-talk, perfectionism, or even impulsive decisions. The impact of self-sabotage can be significant, leading to missed opportunities, strained relationships, and a sense of frustration with yourself.

Common Forms of Self-Sabotage

  • Procrastination
    • This is when you delay tasks, often without a clear reason, and usually to avoid discomfort or the fear of failure.
  • Negative Self-Talk
    • This involves a critical inner dialogue. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed” can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you end up believing these negative thoughts and acting accordingly.
  • Perfectionism
    • Setting unattainable standards can be paralyzing. When you’re afraid of making mistakes or not meeting your own high expectations, you might avoid taking any action at all, leading to stagnation.
  • Fear of Success
    • While it might seem counterintuitive, some people fear the changes that come with success. This fear can cause them to avoid opportunities, underperform, or deliberately set themselves up for failure.
  • Impulsivity
    • Making hasty decisions without considering the consequences can also be a form of self-sabotage. This impulsiveness can lead to actions that disrupt your progress or create unnecessary problems.

Potential Causes of Self-Defeating Behaviors

  • Internal Beliefs
    • Your own internal beliefs about yourself can drive your actions without you even realizing it. For example, if you’ve internalized the belief that you don’t deserve success, you might subconsciously sabotage any efforts that could lead to achievement.
  • Fear of Change
    • Change can be uncomfortable, even if it’s positive. The fear of stepping out of familiar patterns, even unproductive ones, can lead to self-sabotaging behavior as a way to avoid the unknown.
  • Comfort
    • Staying within your comfort zone feels safe, but it can also keep you stuck in unproductive habits. Self-sabotage can be a way to stay in this zone, avoiding the discomfort of growth and change.
  • Self-Criticism
    • Negative messages from past experiences or relationships can become internalized, leading to a harsh inner critic. This critical voice can drive you to sabotage your efforts, reinforcing the negative beliefs you’ve held onto.

Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage

  • Cultivating Self-Awareness
    • Become more aware of your self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors as they occur. This awareness is crucial for making different choices in the moment. Pay attention to triggers or situations where you tend to sabotage yourself and try to understand the underlying reasons.
  • Reframing Negative Thoughts
    • Challenge and replace negative self-talk with constructive affirmations. Instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try reframing it to, “I am capable and learning every day.” Over time, this shift in mindset can help reduce the power of self-sabotaging thoughts.
  • Setting Realistic Goals
    • Learn to set achievable, incremental goals that build confidence and momentum. By breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps, you reduce the overwhelming feelings that can lead to self-sabotage.
  • Embracing Imperfection
    • Accept that mistakes are part of the learning process. Embracing imperfection allows you to take action without the paralyzing fear of not being perfect. This mindset shift can help you move forward even when things aren’t flawless.
  • Building a Support Network
    • Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage positive change. Share your goals with trusted friends or mentors who can provide accountability and motivation.

Seeking Help

If self-sabotage is deeply ingrained and significantly affecting your life, it may be time to seek professional help. The journey of growth often involves encountering parts of ourselves that are challenging to face—those deep-seated fears, doubts, and insecurities that fuel self-sabotaging behaviors. By leaning into these areas with curiosity and compassion, you can begin to dismantle the barriers that hold you back. This process is not always easy, but it can lead to a profound sense of freedom and empowerment. Together, we can uncover the root causes of your behavior and work to develop healthier patterns that allow you to move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

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shadow image of person depersonalization
Managing emotions

Depersonalization: The Real Causes + How to Cope

Depersonalization can be disorienting. You suddenly feel as if you are floating above your body, or somehow observing your own thoughts. It may make you feel lost, disturbed, and confused about what is real. You’re left struggling to understand what’s happening and how to regain a sense of normalcy. In this blog, you’ll learn about common symptoms of depersonalization, its causes, and ways you can learn to manage and cope with this disorienting experience.

What is Depersonalization?

Depersonalization is a dissociative experience where you sense a detachment from your own body or thoughts. It’s as if you are observing yourself from outside your own body, or feeling as if you are in a dream. You may have felt like you were standing outside observing your own thoughts or body.

Common Symptoms of Depersonalization

Symptoms of depersonalization can range but most of them leave you feeling disconnected from you own body or thoughts. Some common symptoms of depersonalization include:

  • A sense of observing yourself from the outside
  • Having a distorted sense of time
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Experiencing a dream-like state
  • Difficulty determining what is real or not real
  • Feeling detached from your physical and emotional experience

Causes of Depersonalization

Trauma

Traumatic events take a toll on your mental health. When people go through traumatic experiences, such as abuse or an accident, they can feel extreme stress. For some people, they may experience a sense of depersonalization, which can be the mind and body’s way of coping with trauma. This dissociative state enables them to manage the overwhelming emotions and experiences by distancing themselves from those difficult and unwanted emotions and experiences. This may give some relief in the short term, but it can unfortunately cause long-term difficulties. 

Stress

Depersonalization is also linked to chronic stress. If our mind is put under continuous pressure, we begin to experience dissociative symptoms to protect ourselves from such unrelenting distress. This way of coping can manifest as a sense of detachment from our thoughts and body, which creates a buffer against anxiety and stress. Although this depersonalization can be relieving in the moment, it can become more persistent and begin to cause bigger problems for a person down the line where they may begin to question their own reality. 

Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD

Depersonalization is often associated with other mental health difficulties, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. By themselves, these conditions could have an intensifying effect on feelings of detachment as a way of coping with their emotions. For example, depression can lead to numbness and anxiety might increase the desire to disconnect from yourself or others. There is a strong association of PTSD with dissociative symptoms because for people who have experienced traumatic events, their mind and body may utilize depersonalization as an escape from their unwanted experience. 

Substance Use

Substance use, particularly hallucinogens and marijuana, can lead to symptoms of depersonalization. Since these substances can influence how someone thinks and perceives their environment, they can lead experiences of detachment from oneself. Hallucinogens, in particular, can affect your sensory experiences and self-awareness which can trigger episodes of depersonalization. Furthermore, chronic abuse of these types of substances can exaggerate depersonalization symptoms, making them occur more regularly. It’s important for people experiencing depersonalization related to substance use to seek professional help to address both their substance use and dissociative symptoms.

The Impact of Depersonalization

Daily Life & Depersonalization

Depersonalization can have a number of effects when it comes to day-to-day functioning and personal life. People can often have problems concentrating, making decisions, or performing everyday activities. 

Feeling detached from reality can end up leading to decreased productivity and impact performance in work or school-related activities. Simple tasks, like cooking or driving, or even being around friends and family can become overwhelming. The feeling of being on “auto-pilot” or observing life from a distance can take a lot of the pleasure out of things people once enjoyed. 

Emotional Consequences & Depersonalization

Depersonalization is emotionally exhausting. The experience of detachment can heighten anxiety and depression levels. Someone experiencing depersonalization can feel imprisoned and unable to come out from the feeling of being detached from everything, including themselves. It’s a hopeless feeling. Moreover, the emotional numbing from depersonalization can block the rewards of feeling pleasure or satisfaction, thus worsening depressive symptoms. Being unable to feel, then unable to express your need for help can also exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Physical Health & Depersonalization

Depersonalization is linked with chronic stress, which can develop into more physical health issues. Recurring headaches can develop because of the constant mental strain. Stress can also lead to digestive issues, which may further lead to stomach ache, nausea, and even IBS. The long-term stress and detachment caused by depersonalization can actually weaken the immune system, making the person more vulnerable to diseases and infections. Unfortunately, people experiencing depersonalization can often feel drained because of the effect this experience can have on both their mind and bodies. 

Depersonalization & Relationships

How Does Depersonalization Impact Relationships?

Depersonalization can significantly impact personal relationships. If someone is struggling with feeling detached from their emotions and experiences, engaging with loved ones becomes really tough. This type of detachment can make a partner, family member, or friend feel unimportant or overlooked. Someone experiencing depersonalization may appear unresponsive or emotionally unavailable, which can lead to a lack of authentic emotional engagement. This can be frustrating for everyone involved. It may be hard for loved ones to understand the experiences of the person with depersonalization, which further complicates matters as it brings more emotional distance and isolation.

depersonalization impact on relationships

Challenges Staying Emotionally Connected

Staying emotionally connected to others can be a major problem with depersonalization. The symptoms of numbness and detachment interferes with a genuine experience of getting to know yourself and others. Detachment often results in a lack of emotional intimacy with others because it becomes hard to share the joys and sorrows of life, or even empathize with another human being. Emotional numbness from depersonalization may become a barrier to forming and maintaining close relationships. This can gradually bring about feelings of loneliness and alienation – both for the sufferer and those around them.

Communication Issues & Social Isolation

Another area where depersonalization leaves a harsh effect is communication. Because people might feel disconnected from their experience, they often have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings. This difficulty in expression may lead to frequent misunderstandings or miscommunications, which can negatively impact relationships. The person experiencing depersonalization is perceived as indifferent, withdrawn, or unresponsive by friends and family, adding to their sense of isolation. Thus, people who go through depersonalization begin to withdraw from social situations and skip out on scenarios where they fear feeling unable to connect or communicate. It is this kind of social withdrawal that leads to isolation, creating a vicious circle of loneliness and detachment, making it even more difficult to come out of depersonalization.

Practical Tips for Managing Depersonalization

Immediate Relief from Depersonalization

  • Engaging the Senses with Grounding Exercises
    • Grounding exercises can help with depersonalization because they can bring us back to the present moment. This look like noticing something in your surroundings, focusing on textures, or even just listening to specific sounds around you. For example, you can get into the details of some plant right in front of you, focus on how your clothes feel, or listen to the birds outside. These sensory orientations help shift focus onto real tangible aspects of your life, fostering connection and presence.
  • Calming the Nervous System through Breathing Techniques
    • When you breathe deeply, your parasympathetic nervous system begins to regulate your mind and body, which can help alleviate these symptoms of dissociation. One of the ways to do this is by slowly inhaling through your nose, holding it for a few seconds, and then slowly exhaling through your mouth. You can do this a few times until you feel more centered and less alienated from both yourself and the environment around you.
  • Connecting with Your Body: Getting Active
    • Those who experience depersonalization often find that physical activity can help bring them back into their bodies. Walking, yoga, or stretching can help connect more with your body. Physical movement also helps in the release of endorphins that can naturally raise our moods and helps get us grounded into the physical sensations of the body. These effects work against the symptoms of depersonalization discussed throughout this blog.

Long-Term Relief from Depersonalization

  • Self-Reflection
    • Regularly engaging in self-reflection helps foster good mental health. When it comes to the experience of depersonalization, keeping a journal can help. Keeping records of your thoughts and feelings can help create more awareness of your emotional trends and triggers. This practice can help you to develop a better understanding of your emotions and experiences in life, ultimately helping you connect with yourself and reduce these symptoms.
  • Building a Support Network
    • A strong support system can serve as a strong resource when it comes to managing life with depersonalization. Friends and family can offer the needed emotional support to make someone less lonely and more connected. Having others around who can show support in the midst of these difficult experiences can provide a source of comfort and stability in the midst of feeling unsure and confused. 
  • Engaging in Enjoyable Activities
    • Engaging in pleasurable and calming activities can have positive effects on mental health and help to relieve these symptoms. Getting and staying involved in such activities can lift your mood and provide a sense of well-being and connectedness. Whether it be painting, gardening, reading a book, or playing an instrument, engaging in activities you enjoy can help return you to the pleasure of living, while working to mitigate feelings of numbness and isolation.

Therapy for Depersonalization

Many people experiencing depersonalization can benefit from regular engagement in psychotherapy. Therapy offers a safe space where people can delve into and uncover the root causes of these symptoms, whether it has resulted from trauma or chronic stress. Trained therapists can provide support and understanding to individuals experiencing this confusing mental health issue and arm them with skills to help them navigate this complex experience. Therapy can reconnect a person to their feelings, develop strategies for managing their symptoms during these episodes, and move towards greater self-awareness and healthier relationships. 

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holding the weight of emotions can lead to emotional outbursts
Managing emotions

Emotional Outbursts in Men: Causes, Emotional Repression, and Stress Relief Techniques

Emotional outbursts can be overwhelming. All of a sudden, you find yourself emotionally overloaded and blowing up on others. As a result, feelings of guilt, confusion, and regret flood in. Meanwhile, you’re left not knowing what to do or how to stop these moments from happening.

Emotional outbursts, often linked to emotional repression in males, are sudden intense expressions that can stem from built-up stress and societal pressures. In this blog, you’ll learn about emotional outbursts, triggers like male emotional repression, their impact, and stress management techniques for men to navigate them effectively.

What is an Emotional Outburst? Understanding Male Emotional Repression

An emotional outburst can look like a sudden episode of intense expression. It can often involve emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. This might look like shouting, crying, or physical expressions like punching. It’s normal to feel like these moments are coming out of nowhere. However, it can be helpful to try to explore the root causes of emotional outbursts. Doing this can help promote your mental health and improve your relationships. Anyone can experience these types of outbursts, but for men, there are certain stigmas and expectations related to emotional expression that might impact their understanding of this type of experience.

Emotional repression in men, where feelings are unconsciously avoided or suppressed, often leads to these outbursts. Studies show that men may use expressive suppression more than women, which can affect emotional regulation (Source). This repression, tied to toxic masculinity, discourages showing emotions other than anger, leading to bottled-up feelings that explode (Source).

Signs of an Emotional Outburst

Emotional outbursts can take many forms, but there are some common signs that often point to deeper emotional dysregulation. These signs aren’t always obvious in the moment, but recognizing them can be the first step toward change.

1. Sudden, disproportionate anger

You may find yourself reacting with intense anger to things that seem minor in hindsight—like a comment from a loved one, a small inconvenience, or a moment of stress. It’s not just the reaction—it’s how much it takes over.

2. Outbursts of yelling, crying, or shutting down

Whether it’s raised voices, tears that come without warning, or emotionally checking out, these are signs that your nervous system is overwhelmed. These responses might feel out of your control, and that’s part of the problem—they often are.

3. Aggressive or impulsive behavior

Throwing things, slamming doors, road rage, or picking fights that escalate quickly are more than just bad habits. They’re signs of unresolved emotional buildup that has nowhere else to go.

4. Physical symptoms

Tension headaches, muscle tightness, fatigue, or restless sleep can often accompany emotional outbursts. Your body may be carrying stress long before your mind is aware of it.

5. Feeling easily provoked or unable to calm down

If it feels like you’re constantly on edge or you struggle to return to a calm state after becoming upset, that’s a signal. You’re not “too sensitive” or “overreacting”—your nervous system is likely stuck in survival mode.

Benefits of Addressing Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men

Recognizing and managing emotional outbursts and repression offers key advantages for men’s emotional struggles:

  • Reduces physical health risks like heart disease and hypertension from chronic stress.
  • Improves mental health by lowering depression and anxiety linked to alexithymia, or difficulty identifying emotions (Source).
  • Enhances relationships through better communication and reduced conflicts.
  • Boosts overall well-being with effective stress relievers for men, promoting vulnerability and support-seeking.
  • Breaks the cycle of toxic masculinity, fostering healthier emotional expression (Source).

Quick Stress Management Techniques for Men: Handling Emotional Outbursts

[Image: Man taking deep breaths to manage emotions with alt text “Stress management techniques for men during emotional outbursts”]

  1. Pause and Breathe: Take 5 deep breaths to calm your body before reacting. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing fight-or-flight responses.
  2. Step Away: Remove yourself from the situation for 5-10 minutes to cool off. Use this time for a short walk as a stress reliever for men.
  3. Move Your Body: Do a quick physical activity, like a brisk walk or push-ups, to release tension and pent-up energy from emotional repression.
  4. Write It Down: Jot down your feelings to process them without exploding. Journaling helps men address emotional struggles privately.
  5. Talk to Someone: Share your emotions with a trusted friend or therapist to feel supported, combating the isolation of male emotional repression.

3 Common Triggers for Emotional Outbursts in Men

1. Relationship Issues and Emotional Outbursts

Emotional outbursts can often result from conflicts in relationships that go uncommunicated or unresolved. Leaving things unsaid can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. An outburst might also come about if there is a lack of emotional support in your relationship. If someone you care about is unavailable, you might blow up as a means of connection. It’s also true that the end of a relationship might trigger emotional outbursts, especially if there have been feelings that remained unspoken throughout your relationship due to emotional repression.

2. Work Stress and Emotional Outbursts

Work can be a big source of stress, and the pressure to succeed and provide can easily lead to moments of emotional outbursts. This pressure can come from employers or might even be self-imposed. Regardless, these pressures can become overwhelming. Additionally, the need to provide for a family can add additional stress, and working to balance the demands of work with your own personal life can end up in emotional strain. Learning how to relieve stress for a man in high-pressure jobs is crucial.

3. Societal Pressures for Men and Emotional Outbursts

The societal expectations and demands on men to be emotionless and stoic might cause them to repress their emotions, which can eventually cause them to explode. It’s common that men may have pent-up emotions as a result of not asking for help or not opening up to others because they think these actions might be perceived as weakness due to overarching expectations from society that men should always be strong and independent, no matter what they are going through. This type of expectation can lead to chronic stress and emotional strain in both their personal and professional life (Source).

4. Mental Health Conditions and Emotional Dysregulation
Sometimes, emotional outbursts aren’t just about external stressors—they may stem from untreated mental health conditions. Depression in men can often present as irritability or anger rather than sadness. Anxiety can also manifest through restlessness, tension, or a short temper. When these conditions go unrecognized or untreated, they can erode emotional regulation, increasing the chances of reactive outbursts.

5. Past Trauma and Unresolved Emotional Wounds
For many men, early or unresolved trauma—whether from childhood, military service, loss, or abuse—can linger beneath the surface. Without tools to process or express that pain, it can emerge through sudden emotional intensity. Trauma doesn’t always look like flashbacks; it can show up as hypersensitivity, emotional numbness, or sudden anger that feels out of proportion to the moment.

6. Biochemical Factors and Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS)
Hormonal shifts or imbalances can also contribute to emotional volatility. A condition known as Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) involves mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and aggression, often linked to lower testosterone levels or chronic stress. These internal changes can make it harder to manage daily frustrations and may result in outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere.

What men tell themselves to suppress emotion

You might recognize some of these common phrases that reinforce your tendency to keep your emotions concealed:

  • “Stop being so sensitive”
  • “Don’t be a baby”
  • “Keep it to yourself”
  • “It’s not a big deal”
  • “Hold it together”

This fear of feeling judged or seen as weak is common for men but can build up internal pressure to keep their true emotions hidden. Constantly feeling like they need to conceal their genuine feelings in order to keep up a stoic exterior can be emotionally taxing and cause emotional outbursts. It’s like a pressure cooker: You stuff all of these emotions inside, put a lid on them, but eventually the pressure builds up, and if you have no way to slowly release them, the lid flies off, leaving an absolute mess.

Male emotional repression leading to outbursts
pressure cooker with steam releasing from valve

Where Does This Repression Start? (Early Conditioning in Boys)

Many emotional patterns in men begin early in life. Boys often receive subtle (or explicit) messages that emotions like fear, sadness, or sensitivity aren’t acceptable. This conditioning can come from parents, peers, or teachers—phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry” become internalized over time. While these statements might seem harmless, they teach boys to disconnect from what they feel. Over the years, this disconnect turns into emotional repression—leading to a limited emotional vocabulary and a backlog of unprocessed feelings.

Recognizing these early experiences isn’t about placing blame, but understanding the roots of current struggles. Acknowledging these early influences can help break generational cycles and pave the way for emotional growth.

Why Emotional Awareness Matters for Men

Emotional awareness is the ability to notice, name, and understand what you’re feeling in the moment. For men who’ve long repressed their emotions, this can feel unfamiliar—even frustrating. But building emotional awareness is one of the most important steps in preventing outbursts.

When you can identify emotions like frustration, embarrassment, or loneliness as they arise, you have a chance to respond rather than react. This awareness creates space between a trigger and an outburst, helping you stay grounded even when overwhelmed. Over time, practicing emotional awareness leads to more meaningful conversations, stronger relationships, and better self-understanding.

The Impact of Repressing Emotions: Beyond the Outburst

Physical Health Consequences of Repressing Emotional Outbursts

Repressed emotions can cause long-term stress that raises the risk of heart disease and hypertension. Long-term repression of emotions can impair immunity, increasing susceptibility to disease. Physical manifestations of suppressed emotions include headaches, stomach issues, and persistent discomfort (Source).

Mental Health Consequences of Emotional Outbursts

Repressing emotions can lead to increased depression, anxiety, and burnout, exacerbating men’s emotional struggles. It may contribute to alexithymia, making it hard to identify feelings, and heighten the risk of substance abuse as a coping mechanism (Source).

Relationship Consequences of Emotional Outbursts

Frequent outbursts from repression can strain relationships, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and breakdowns in communication. Partners may feel unsafe or unsupported, worsening isolation for repressed men.

How Partners and Loved Ones Can Support Men Through Repression

Healing emotional repression isn’t just an individual journey—it’s relational. Partners, family, and close friends can play a key role in creating space for healthier expression. If you’re supporting a man who struggles with emotional outbursts, here’s what helps:

Stay calm when emotions run high. Reacting defensively often escalates things.

Encourage open-ended questions like “What’s really bothering you?” rather than making assumptions.

Avoid shaming or minimizing emotional expression, even if it feels unfamiliar.

Affirm that expressing pain or frustration doesn’t make someone weak—it makes them human.

Supporting men in expressing their emotions safely builds trust and invites more vulnerability over time.

Emotional Outbursts vs. Professional Help: When to Seek Therapy

While self-help techniques like stress relievers for men are useful for mild issues, persistent emotional outbursts or deep repression warrant professional help. Therapy can address root causes safely. For more insights, visit Psychology Today.

Reframing Masculinity: Toward Healthier Emotional Norms

It’s time we rethink what it means to be “strong.” Traditional definitions of masculinity often prize emotional stoicism—but at the cost of mental and relational well-being. Real strength lies in knowing yourself, being open about what’s happening inside, and making space for emotions that feel difficult.

At Here Counseling, we believe that embracing vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s leadership. When men model honest emotional expression, they don’t just heal themselves—they also create ripple effects for the people around them, including their children, partners, and communities.

How Therapy Helps with Men’s Emotional Struggles

Therapy provides a safe space to explore repressed emotions, learn healthy expression, and develop stress management techniques for men. At Here Counseling, our therapists specialize in helping men navigate emotional repression and outbursts for better mental health and relationships. Schedule today!

FAQ: Common Questions About Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men

What is emotional repression in males?

Emotional repression in males involves unconsciously avoiding or suppressing feelings due to societal expectations, leading to built-up stress and potential outbursts (Source).

Why do guys shut down emotionally?

Guys often shut down emotionally due to toxic masculinity norms that view vulnerability as weakness, causing repression and isolation (Source).

What are men’s emotional struggles?

Men’s emotional struggles include repression, difficulty expressing feelings, societal pressure to be stoic, and resulting issues like depression or outbursts (Source).

How to relieve stress for a man?

To relieve stress for a man, try physical activity, journaling, deep breathing, or talking to a trusted person—key stress relievers for men facing repression.

What’s the difference between emotional repression and suppression?

Repression is unconscious avoidance of emotions, while suppression is a conscious choice to hold them back; both can lead to outbursts in men (Source).

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