Having the skills to stay engaged when relationship conflict arises can feel impossible. Sometimes, you wish you could push the eject button as soon as another argument begins. You find yourself remaining silent, or saying whatever you feel will “ease the tension,” even just for a moment. You feel desperate to quickly resolve the tension in whatever way you can.
Fight or Flight: To Enter Relationship Conflict or Flee
This cycle can ease the tension for a brief moment. You may feel a brief wave of relief. You were able to keep things from getting out of hand. However, that underlying unease you feel may remain.This may be a sense of internal guilt: a form of self-blame for feeling unable to express your needs. You may feel stuck inside your own head, knowing all the things you wish you could have said but somehow couldn’t find the words in the heat of conflict. This can lead to even greater frustration and a continued feeling of disconnection with your partner.
In moments of stress, you may experience a natural flight response pattern: a desire to withdraw and avoid.
When experiencing the stress of relationship conflict, our bodies are programmed to respond in one of two ways, which correlate with our need for survival: pursue or withdraw. These are natural tendencies when we feel we need to protect ourselves. Some try to overcome this stress by engaging with their partner in relationship conflict. Others engage in the pattern of withdrawal. The latter can lead to feeling trapped in the stress, which often produces a strong desire to avoid the source of conflict.
Relationship conflict can cause these patterns of stress response to arise because our brains register conflict as a threat to our social well-being. Many individuals have a tendency to desire to “escape” conflict because they struggle to process their thoughts when under emotional stress. This desire fuels acts of abandonment: pushing the source of conflict (often our partner) away to alleviate the stress.
Is Avoiding Conflict Always Bad?
In short, no. This escape pattern is not always bad. However, at times it can prevent us from expressing our own wants and needs. This can lead to a destructive cycle of guilt and frustration or, alternatively, anger and hopelessness. It doesn’t have to be this way.
You can learn a new way to manage conflict in your relationship, which will lead to greater connection.
How To Better Manage Relationship Conflict
Consider the following three steps to break the cycle of fight or flight and better manage your next relationship conflict.
1. Learn to notice your stress response
The first step is to gain awareness. Specifically, aim to notice the ways you typically respond to conflict in your relationship. Do you tend to fight, flight, or freeze? Understanding your typical conflict stress response can be an invaluable tool to navigate conflict more effectively.
Your stress response is likely a learned response that has helped you navigate difficult situations in the past. However, is it serving you in your current relationship?
It is common for one partner to have a stress response of fighting and the other partner to have a stress response of avoidance. Understanding both your and your partner’s response to conflict can help you to learn to recognize when you are experiencing tension in your relationship and to remain engaged, rather than exacerbate or avoid the conflict.
2. Explore a phrase that can help to communicate your need to take a break
The value of a phrase that both partners agree will pause an argument cannot be overstated.
When one partner uses this phrase, it provides both individuals with the time and space to process what the conflict and identify their emotions.
When they return, they will both be more capable to communicate their feelings and needs, without being overwhelmed by emotion in the moment.
Remember, collaborate with your partner to select this phrase prior to arguing: in a conflict-free moment.
Phrases such as, “I think I need a time out” or “Let’s take some space” can be easy phrases to help you and your partner pause and take a break.
3. Name a time and place to return to the conversation
This step is essential. The key step to taking a pause from a relationship conflict is to first mutually agree upon a time and place to return.
That way, both parties can rest assured that their partner is dedicated to resolving the issue. Neither has to worry that their partner is avoiding the conflict.
Instead, both individuals can take time to emotionally self-regulate. Then, when they return to the argument, work toward a solution with more clarity and security.
Thus, when asking for a pause, be as specific as possible in terms of the when and how of coming back together. You might try: ”let’s talk tonight right after dinner.” You may prefer: “How about we come back to this in 20 minutes after a mental break to process how we feel.” Both are excellent to give a specific timeframe to the pause.
It is important to allow space for your partner to agree with the suggested time frame. Foster opportunity for them to offer an alternate suggestion and be open to compromising if needed.
The Benefits of Taking a Pause
Take a time out to slow down, refresh, and discern what you need in a moment of conflict.
Using these steps can create an important foundation to navigate stressful moments and conversations in your relationship. You can begin to express your true feelings while also considering your partner’s emotions and needs.
It can feel challenging to learn a new way of showing up when you notice tension rising in your relationship. It takes practice to pause in order to minimize feelings of tension with your partner. Over time, however, this practice will foster a new pattern. A pattern that minimizes unwanted conflict and tension, instead helping you move toward connection and resolution.
Therapy for Relationship Conflict
Pursuing therapy can be a key step to help you learn how to more effectively manage relationship conflict. In collaboration with your therapist, you can create a plan for how and when to pause an argument. The mental processing you make space for during this “time out,” in which you step away from the argument, will allow you to learn how to share your true feelings when you return to your partner.
Remember, you deserve this brief pause. It can help you find a sense of calm in order to think clearly about what you need from your partner. Over time, you will begin to learn how to think with greater clarity and therefore say the things that you know are important to you. This can help you increase your self-confidence and move toward the authentic connection that you have been seeking.
Kristi Wollbrink
I help couples learn a new way to move through conflict and difficulties in order to find a sense of security and connection with each other. If you find that you are feeling stuck in patterns of stress in your relationship, I would love to help you find a way to move toward deeper connection.
A lack of strategies for ADHD preventing success at school is one of the greatest challenges for kids with ADHD. As a parent, you may feel overwhelmed by how to help your child. You may feel that you do not have the expertise to help your child develop effective coping strategies for ADHD.
Qualifying for School Accommodations
In order to receive additional supports or accommodations at school, your child will need to qualify for a 504 Plan. A 504 Plan is a detailed description of how the school will aim to support your child. It is not part of special education (such as an IEP). Instead, 504 Plans help children with disabilities and health impairments have equal access to school. Remember, ADHD is considered a health impairment.
In order to qualify, the school may provide an assessment or require you to provide a diagnosis from a psychologist or physician. Check with your school to see what the requirements are for receiving a 504 Plan for your child.
Strategies for ADHD in the Classroom
504 Plans document accommodations that your child will receive. Some schools and teachers may be willing to provide these supports without a 504 Plan, such as in private school settings.
Here is a list of research-based accommodations that can prove helpful for children with ADHD:
Reducing the number of homework problems without changing the level of content
Preferential seating near front of classroom to reduce distractions
Testing outside of classroom in a quieter environment
Providing extra time on tests or assignments
Increased positive reinforcements (e.g. rewards) and praise in the classroom
Meeting with a school counselor to work on academic or behavioral goals
Breaking long assignments into smaller parts
Increased check-ins to make sure student understands instructions
Allowing for more breaks
Increased support for organization and communication with parents
There are many more options for accommodations based on your child’s needs and the school’s capacity to provide support. Meeting with the school as well as a mental health professional can help you identify which strategies will best meet your child’s specific needs.
ADHD Strategies for Homework
Whether or not your child has accommodations at school, you are still going to need some strategies at home for helping with homework. Some strategies will be the same as those used at school. If your child has a 504 plan it may include a few things that help with homework, like reduced repetitive tasks for homework or extended deadlines if needed.
Here are some strategies that will help at home whether or not your child has a 504 Plan:
Removing distractions during homework (ex. Devices, TV in the background, etc.)
Set a timer and provide breaks
Have a specific time and place for homework
Schedule agreed-on check-ins to make sure your child is staying on task
Break down assignments into smaller tasks and goals
Create a system for checking in with teacher regularly to increase communication about homework (ex. Assignment record that student completes and teacher signs daily)
Provide rewards for completed homework
Create a visual checklist of things that need to go to school every day
Use an accordion folder and reward having no loose papers in backpack
Discuss plan of what needs to get done and how long it is expected to take daily
Start small and choose a few strategies to implement at a time. After all, you do not want to overwhelm yourself or your child by attempting to tackle all of these strategies at once.
How Therapy Can Help
If you need more support, arrange a consultation with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD. They can help you select and implement personalized strategies. Find a psychologist who is willing to work with you and your child collaboratively to create a plan that will work for both you and your child.
For more information on ADHD assessment as well as strategies for ADHD, you can download my ADHD Field Guide for free. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation call to discuss therapy or an ADHD assessment for your child.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder with a high frequency of comorbid ADHD diagnoses. A decade ago, many psychologists worried that ADHD was being “over-diagnosed.” However, in recent years, psychological research has proven that almost 10% of the population has ADHD (6 million children: 9.8%, according to the CDC). In 2003, this number was estimated to be only 4.3% of children in the United States.
Interestingly, researchers now understand this 9.8% statistic to be global. Thus, this implies that it is not culture or ethnicity-dependent but, rather, universally prevalent. People diagnosed with ADHD may have ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Presentation, Predominantly Hyperactive Presentation, or Combined Presentation. This is dependent on their diagnosable symptoms: are they predominantly focus and attention based? Hyperactivity and impulsivity based? Alternatively, do they meet clinical criteria for a number of both types of symptoms?
A statistic that is not often discussed, however, is how common it is for people with ADHD to also have comorbid ADHD diagnoses. A comorbid diagnosis is a co-occurring diagnosis. In other words, it is common for an individual to not only have ADHD, but also have one or more diagnoses simultaneously. This is an important fact, as many people misdiagnose their anxiety, depression, bipolar, or other such disorders as ADHD. Then, they do not seek or receive the help they need to best cope with these additional disorders. Treating ADHD is so important. However, so is treating comorbid diagnoses for truly effective symptom management.
What are some Common Comorbid ADHD Diagnoses? How common are they?
In short, the answer is: very common! Approximately 65% of all individuals diagnosed with ADHD meet diagnostic criteria for a comorbid mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder. This is a higher comorbidity rate than with many other well-known psychological diagnoses. Here are some specifics. Of all individuals in the U.S. diagnosed with ADHD, the following percentages meet criteria for these diagnoses:
52% have a behavior or conduct disorder
50% have a sleep disorder (such as insomnia)
50% have ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) as children, developing into a behavioral disorder in adulthood
45% have a learning disorder.
This is believed to contribute to the finding that 33% of students with ADHD drop out of high school.
Notably, research has found that males diagnosed with ADHD have an approximate 65% risk of developing dyslexia or another form of writing disorder, while females have a 57% risk
33% have anxiety (e.g.: Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Social Anxiety)
20% have bipolar disorder
17% have depression
14-25% have ASD: Autism Spectrum Disorder
10% of children with ADHD will develop Tourette syndrome (tics, etc.); 1-2% of whom maintain this syndrome into adulthood
10% have a speech disorder
10% will develop substance use disorder (alcohol or drugs)
To put this into context, this means that more than 2 out of every 3 individuals with ADHD also have a comorbid disorder. It is important to note that these statistics are based on diagnosed disorders. That implies that far more individuals with ADHD actually have these comorbid ADHD diagnoses than we psychologists have discovered through research thus far. You can learn more about ADHD statistics here:
How do I know if I or my Loved One has a Comorbid ADHD Diagnosis?
Understanding the link between ADHD and its common comorbid diagnoses: how they overlap, are separate, and interact, is key for effective treatment. The high degree of overlap can make it challenging for non-psychologists to differentiate them without a trained professional. For instance, individuals with ADHD may struggle to relax and focus. In combination with other symptoms, this may indicate a comorbid diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. People with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) can struggle with Inattention and Impulsivity: two hallmark characteristics of ADHD, Combined Presentation. Therapy and assessment with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and comorbid diagnoses are your two tools to clarify this overlap.
When an individual calls me wondering if they qualify for multiple diagnoses, including ADHD, the first step is assessment (psychological testing). There are two types of ADHD testing. The more expedient and moderately less expensive option is an ADHD testing. However, this only tests for ADHD. Choosing to be assessed through a psychologist qualifies individuals who are diagnosed with ADHD for stimulant medication through a psychiatrist, should they choose this treatment route, and accommodations at work or school. The second type is a comprehensive testing. This is referred to as a “psychodiagnostic” assessment. It assesses for all relevant diagnoses listed above. It can help individuals understand the links and differentiate the overlap between these various diagnoses’ symptoms.
How do I Learn more about Assessment?
If you feel you may benefit from an ADHD or Comprehensive ADHD Psychodiagnostic Assessment, then contact me today for a free consultation call. I’ll talk you through the benefits of the various options as well as discuss the next steps, fee, insurance reimbursement, and scheduling with you to make the process clear, calming, and effective. By reaching out today, you can learn more about your ADHD testing options and schedule an intake interview to begin your ADHD testing process. You’ll be that much closer to getting the answers you need to manage your symptoms and live a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Differentiating your diagnoses and how they interact is key for effective therapeutic treatment in the future. It provides clarity as to what you need to work on in therapy. Then, you will know what you need your psychologist to specialize in to ensure you receive the most effective treatment.
Many of my clients who came to me for testing transitioned to working with me for therapy for their ADHD and comorbid diagnoses. This is my speciality: an area of expertise I am passionate about and eager to help my clients in as we collaboratively work towards therapeutic treatment goals that are directly improving each of their comorbid ADHD diagnoses.
Remember, a psychological assessment is an investment in yourself. In your future. In your potential to discover clarity about your diagnoses and certainty about the path forward. I provide extensive and personalized recommendations to your unique case to help you develop the effective behavioral strategies needed to thrive with symptom management and alleviation. Reach out to me today to schedule a complimentary consultation call and take the first step towards gaining clarity and understanding.
Maybe you’re wondering about how EMDR therapy can treat trauma. Trauma can negatively impact an individual’s life and well-being for years, even decades, after the traumatic event has passed. Trauma is a natural survival response to any life-threatening situation. If you’ve experienced trauma, you may notice how it seems to intrude into everyday situations.
Trauma can impact:
Sleep: the quality and restfulness of your sleep
Relationships: increase feelings of insecurity and fear
Addiction: increased dependence on external substances to reduce symptoms
Focus: increased scattered, intrusive thoughts
Our brains heal from trauma.
In fact, like a wound that simply needs rest and clean bandages, there’s a natural reparative process that takes place – all on its own – when our minds feel safe enough. We find ourselves sharing more, feeling more, telling the story of what happened with a trusted other. EMDR therapy taps into this natural healing process.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. In this article, you’ll learn how EMDR works for you, and why the relationship between the therapist and client is key in producing long-term change.
How EMDR works
EMDR therapy is based on the idea that traumatic memories are stored in a person’s brain in an unintegrated form. Normally, in non-traumatic experiences, memories of the experience can be retrieved and shelved easily with language (think of checking out a video at a library), giving us control and mastery. When someone experiences a traumatic event, however, their brain shields itself from the painful memory, leading to the memory becoming “stuck” in the right prefrontal cortex and limbic system. This can result in persistent symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR therapy works by accessing these stored memories and integrating them through a shared experience with the therapist.
EMDR Therapy and Tapping
The key component of EMDR therapy is the rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes, also known as “tapping.” This tapping is believed to stimulate the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate the traumatic memories. As a result, the negative emotions and physical sensations associated with the trauma are reduced. The individual is then able to move beyond the event and regain control of their life.
EMDR Therapy and the hidden ingredient: Your therapist
While the tapping component of EMDR therapy is crucial, it is not the only factor that leads to successful outcomes. In fact, research has shown that the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist iseven more importantin producing long-term change in trauma. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to explore their traumatic experiences and work through them in a controlled and guided manner.
Your brain wants – and even needs – to process trauma. Biologically, your brain is looking for safety. While safety can come from trusting a specific intervention or technique, such as EMDR, it will primarily come from your relationship with your therapist. Your ability to feel comfortable and safe with your therapist is exactly the environment your brain is looking for to integrate a painful emotional experience.
A good EMDR therapist will help you
Gingerly approach the trauma, listening to your comfort level
Will appropriately challenge you to trust yourself to share
Give you space to stop when you’re feeling overwhelmed
Review and help you understand what you’re feeling
Check in about your symptoms
In conclusion, EMDR therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. The rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes (tapping) stimulates the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate traumatic memories. However, it is the therapeutic relationship between the client and therapist that is the most important factor in producing long-term change. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to work through their traumatic experiences, leading to a more successful outcome.
EMDR Therapy can help you
Consider reaching out to a qualified EMDR therapist. With the right support and guidance, it is possible to overcome trauma and reclaim your life.
You want a therapist who fits you, who you feel safe talking with. I promise, it’s worth it to work through trauma. We can help you find the right fit so you can regain health and peace.
Your child isn’t getting good grades, even though they are smart. Maybe you spend hours convincing and helping them to complete to their homework. Or they rush through their work, making many mistakes. Perhaps they forget to turn in their homework. Or teachers are concerned about their ability to focus in class.
If these scholastic struggles sound familiar, then a psychological assessment for ADHD can provide the answers you need.
What Are The Benefits Of An ADHD Assessment?
An ADHD assessment assesses multiple factors that can help you understand your child and learn how they can succeed academically. A comprehensive assessment can provide additional answers. The benefits of a comprehensive ADHD assessment include understanding how your child brain functions, how they learn, and what other emotional challenges, such as anxiety or depression, are contributing.
The process of an ADHD assessment provides three major answers:
What an ADHD Assessment Provides
Diagnosis and Recommendations
Following the ADHD assessment, you will receive a written report that includes a diagnosis (if applicable) and recommendations. Recommendations include strategies for school, parenting, and medical and/or mental health treatment. You may provide this report to your child’s school if the psychologist recommends you advocate for more academic support.
ADHD Medication
Additionally, you may give the report to your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist if you are interested in medication for your child. If you are not interested in medication, your pediatrician may recommend other supplements, such as melatonin for sleep or an Omega supplement to help with focus. Your pediatrician may address other nutritional imbalances that can impact ADHD symptoms.
Parenting Strategies
The report will also provide parenting strategies. Parenting is never easy. A child with ADHD, however, may require some additional support. This can make parenting more challenging. Additionally, parenting a child with ADHD likely looks different to the parenting your other children or your friend’s children require. Thus, recommended strategies will be tailored to fit your child’s specific situation. This can include transitioning between multiple households, difficulty with sleep, or a busy family schedule.
Empower Yourself And Your Child With An ADHD Assessment
It may feel overwhelming to meet your child’s needs especially with, no doubt, numerous other demands on your time. One of the major benefits of an ADHD assessment is that it provides a road map. It can help reveal what your child needs and how to start providing this. Then, both you and your child can feel confident to take the next steps towards effective change.
Schedule Your Consultation Today
Schedule a free consultation call to see if an ADHD assessment would benefit your child. For more information on the assessment process and strategies, you can download my ADHD Field Guide.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Adolescence is a time filled with change, discovery, and sometimes uncertainty — both for teens and their families. Exploring gender and sexuality is a natural and important part of growing up, but it can also bring feelings of confusion, worry, or even fear for parents and caregivers. If you’ve noticed your teenager expressing themselves differently or questioning who they are, you’re not alone. Many families face similar journeys, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how to support your teen.
We want you to know that creating a space of love, acceptance, and open communication is one of the most powerful things you can do. Our team is here to walk alongside you and your teenager as you navigate this important time, helping foster connection, understanding, and resilience.
Why Do Teens Explore Gender and Sexuality?
Exploration of gender identity and sexuality is a deeply personal and ongoing journey for many adolescents. There is no fixed timeline or “right way” to discover who they truly are. Teens today are influenced by many factors, including social media, friendships, cultural messages, and their own internal feelings.
It’s normal for teenagers to question, experiment, and even change their minds about their identity as they grow. Sometimes, this exploration is fluid — reflecting their unique experience rather than a clear, fixed label. We recognize that this process can feel confusing both for teens and their families, but it is an essential part of self-understanding and growth.
At Here Counseling, we honor this journey and believe that every teen deserves to explore their identity in a supportive, judgment-free environment.
How do I know if My Teenager is Exploring their Gender and Sexuality?
Have you noticed your teenager experimenting with the way they dress? How about trying out how it feels to identify with different pronouns? Are they exploring the way they express their gender on social media? If you have noticed your teenager experimenting with gender expression through aspects of their identity such as fashion, pronouns, and traditionally “gendered” behavior, you may feel uncertain about how to understand and support your child at this time.
You may find yourself wondering how this is impacting your teenager. Are they questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation? Their comments and behaviors may make you feel worried, anxious, or even angry. This can lead you to react in ways that make you and your teenager feel distant from one another. In these moments, you may suddenly find yourself feeling uncertain how to best respond. If your goal is to figure out how to best support your teen, then you are in the right place.
How Will This Article Help Me and My Teenager?
As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to support your teenager. This can be especially true as they explore their gender identity and sexual orientation. It’s important to support and care for their safety, psychological, and physical health while navigating these sensitive topics. This article will provide tips and guidance on how to navigate these important developmental topics, including how to talk to your teen about sexuality and teenage sexuality.
How to Understand and Support Your Teenager to Reduce Tension and Increase Connection
How Do I Support My Teenager As They Experiment with Their Gender and/or Sexuality?
Unsurprisingly, teenagers naturally experiment to discover their personal sense of self and identity. However, as a parent, it can be challenging to know how to respond when this exploration includes gender and sexuality. Most parents hold a variety of thoughts and beliefs about gender identity or sexual orientation. Remember, these attitudes will impact how you feel about and interact with your teenager about sensitive topics. Below, I’ll talk you through how to navigate these beliefs. This is especially important when they contrast with your teenager’s needs for support.
Initially, these topics may feel uncertain or scary. However, the reality is that gender identity and sexual orientation are topics your teenager is thinking about. They’re likely talking about it with their friends, seeing it on social media, and exploring it for themselves. It’s not a foreign topic for them. Therefore, it doesn’t have to be for you either. Instead of experiencing fear, vulnerability, or uncertainty about how to navigate these topics, try the simple steps in this article. They can help you release that tension and bring you closer to your teenager.
Issues of gender and sexuality can feel overwhelming to navigate as a parent. That overwhelm can keep you feeling worried and anxious. Instead, overcoming the tension can be the very thing that brings you closer to your teenager.
Granted, this can feel like a difficult and scary topic to navigate in conversations with your teen. That’s why I created this simple guide. It can help you increase your confidence by understanding the cause of your anxiety. Clarity can help you to move toward creating a space to talk with your teen about gender and sexuality journey.
Three Simple Steps To Support Your Teenager As They Explore Their Gender and/or Sexuality
These three simple steps can help you respond with support as your teen explores gender and/or sexuality:
Step 1: Recognize And Name Your Fear
First, take a few minutes. Identify specifically what causes your fearfulness to address these topics of gender identity and sexual orientation. Recognize the cause of hesitation to ease anxiety and show your teenager care. Identify specific fears if struggling to accept your teenager’s gender or sexual identity. Often fear is related to worries of being a good parent. Naming fear can challenge it and help support your teen. It is natural to feel worried. Acknowledge this as a first step to move towards supporting your teen in the way they need most.
Step 2: Accept That Sexual Exploration Is The Way To Discovery.
Remember, you yourself likely went through some form of exploration and experimentation to understand yourself. These exploratory experiences helped you discover yourself. The same is true for your teenager’s discovery of their gender and sexual identity. After all, gender and sexuality are not exceptions. As in all areas of self discovery, we may need to “try on” and explore various paths and parts of ourselves in order to discover who we truly are. Allow exploration and approach gender and sexuality conversations like any other important topic. Tune into your teenager’s needs. Create a space where they feel safe and heard. Most importantly, show and remind them that you will love them and be there for them no matter what. Click the link below to learn more about how to communicate effectively with your teenager.
It’s ok to not know everything, but don’t excuse yourself from learning. Being honest about what you do not know can help your teenager feel safe. However, ensure that does not become an excuse to stay uninformed. Use resources to gain awareness about gender and sexuality, which will help you connect more deeply with your teenager. Remember, it can feel refreshing for your teenager to see you as the learner. It will be meaningful for your teen to see you educating yourself about something so important to them. You can begin by exploring expressions of gender and sexuality through this interactive worksheet: GenderBread Person Worksheet
Some Important Gender and Sexuality Terminology
It can also be valuable to increase your awareness about some important terms related to these topics. This includes an awareness of the differences between one’s gender identity and sexual orientation.
Term
Definition
Gender identity
Who you feel you are at your core, whether it’s male, female, neither, or both.
Non-binary
Gender identity isn’t exclusively male or female, and may experience their gender as both male and female, or they may experience it as neither (agender).
Transgender (sometimes shortened to the term “trans”)
Identifying with a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth.
Sexual orientation
Who you’re attracted to on a physical level.
Fluid
Refers to a person who experiences changes in their sexual attraction over time and/or depending on the situation.
Where To Turn For Additional Gender and Sexuality Information
These are just a few of the important terms to understand and familiarize yourself with to support your teenager. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel like you’re having to learn a whole new language. However, expertise is not required. Moderate knowledge can go a long way in helping you to connect with your teenager. This guide may prove to be a helpful tool for growing more familiar with some terminology and other helpful information. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/teenage-sexuality/
How to Support Your Teenager During This Exploration
Supporting your teen through their exploration starts with creating a safe, welcoming space where they feel heard and accepted. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right now. What matters most is your willingness to listen without judgment and to validate their experiences.
Encourage honest conversations by asking open-ended questions and showing empathy. Avoid pushing your teen to label themselves before they’re ready — allow them to take the time they need to find their own way.
Using the names and pronouns your teen prefers is a simple but powerful way to show respect and support. Let your teenager know that your love is unconditional, regardless of how they identify.
At Here Counseling, we are committed to helping families build bridges of understanding during these times, providing guidance and support every step of the way.
Navigating Challenges Faced by Questioning Teens
Teens questioning their gender or sexuality often face unique challenges, including bullying, social isolation, or identity-related stress. These experiences can take a toll on mental health, increasing risks of anxiety, depression, or feelings of loneliness.
Creating affirming environments at home and school is vital. When teens feel accepted and supported, they build resilience to face adversity. Encouraging open communication, celebrating their courage, and connecting them with supportive communities all contribute to their well-being.
We understand these challenges deeply at Here Counseling and work with families and teens to foster spaces where identity exploration is met with compassion and strength.
Resources and Tools to Help Families
Knowledge is power, and having the right tools can make a meaningful difference for both teens and their families. Educational materials like the GenderBread Person worksheet offer an approachable way to understand gender and sexuality concepts together.
We also recommend trusted organizations such as PFLAG and The Trevor Project, which provide invaluable support, guidance, and community connections for LGBTQ+ youth and their families. Locally, there are affirming counselors and support groups in Los Angeles ready to help you and your teen feel less alone.
Here Counseling is proud to connect families with these resources and guide them toward affirming support tailored to their unique journey.
When and How to Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your teen or family might benefit from additional support. If your teen is experiencing prolonged distress, ongoing family conflict, or struggles with mental health challenges linked to their identity exploration, it’s a good time to consider professional counseling.
LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists provide a safe, confidential space where teens and parents can explore feelings, develop coping strategies, and strengthen communication. Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing, growth, and connection.
At Here Counseling, we specialize in teen and LGBTQIA+ support, offering compassionate care to help your family navigate these complex questions with understanding and hope.
Teenager Gender and Sexuality Exploration: In Summary
Navigating the topics of gender identity and sexual orientation can be difficult for parents. However, it is important to support and understand your teenager as they explore these aspects of themselves. Doing so can help to cultivate a feeling of safety for your teen. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming to take steps forward in creating a safe space for this with your teenager. Remember, taking these three simple steps will help you to overcome the difficulties that may be having you feeling stuck and move you toward a place of deeper connection with your teenager.
By recognizing and naming your fears, accepting that exploration is a normal part of growing up, and creating a safe and open space for conversation, you can be the supportive and loving parent your teenagers needs. Additionally, there may be times when it feels helpful to have the support of a trained therapist to come alongside you and your teenager. If this is something that you feel could be of help in this journey, I would be happy to schedule a consultation to see if therapy might be a helpful resource for you and your teenager. Here Counseling has multiple therapists who specialize in LGBTQIA+ issues and working with LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Start by creating a safe space, naming your fears, and accepting exploration as normal; use open questions like “What are you needing?” to foster connection.
What is teenage sexuality?
Teenage sexuality involves exploring attraction and identity, often through social media, fashion, and pronouns; support it by learning terms and affirming unconditional love.
What is teen sexuality?
Teen sexuality is the natural experimentation with physical attraction and self-expression; approach conversations with curiosity to reduce tension and build trust.
How to talk about sexual orientation?
Acknowledge differences in attraction as fluid or fixed; educate yourself on terms like “fluid” and invite honest dialogue without judgment.
What are orientation teenagers?
Teenagers exploring orientation question who they’re attracted to; guide them by validating feelings and using resources like worksheets for self-discovery.
How it feels to be a teenager?
Being a teenager often involves confusion and excitement in identity exploration; parents can help by recognizing fears and supporting open expression.
What is teenagers sexuality?
Teenagers’ sexuality includes discovering gender and attraction; create safety by learning basics and affirming their journey without pressure.
What is gender?
Gender is one’s core sense of self as male, female, non-binary, or fluid; differentiate it from sexual orientation for constructive talks.
What is teenager sexuality?
Teenager sexuality encompasses attraction changes and identity trials; educate on terms like transgender to connect meaningfully.
How to talk to your teen about sex?
Approach sex talks with honesty about fears and acceptance; use guides to normalize exploration and emphasize safety and consent.
The diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is getting thrown around everywhere these days. It’s so common that some parents have become suspicious of the label while others become concerned that every problem their child has may be related to ADHD. But what actually is ADHD and would it be helpful to get a diagnosis for your child?
What is ADHD?
ADHD is more than just attention problems or hyperactivity. It is a mental health diagnosis that includes a long list of symptoms that occur when children (and adults) have difficulty with executive functioning. Executive functioning is our brain’s ability to plan ahead, sustain attention, organize, and stop certain behaviors.
When your child is arguing for the one hundredth time about taking a shower and you want to yell at them to just do it, but instead you take a deep breath and speak calmly…that is your brain using executive functioning to monitor your behavior. Getting yourself to focus on work, planning out what you need to do today and finishing the dishes when you don’t want to…that is also your brain using executive functioning.
Attention problems are a sign of ADHD but there is more to it.
What are the Symptoms of ADHD?
Here are some other signs of ADHD:
Loosing things frequently
Difficulty starting tasks (Ex. Needs frequent reminders to do homework or chores)
Difficulty completing tasks or following through with instructions (Ex. Completes homework but forgets to turn it in)
Makes frequent mistakes on things that they should know
Forgets things that they have to do daily
Gets easily distracted
Fidgets constantly
Has difficulty sitting still in sitting is required
Seems to be aways on the go
Runs or climbs when it is not appropriate to do so
Not able to play quietly
Blurts out answers to questions
Has difficulty waiting turns
Does not play quietly but is always making noise
Likely your child has struggled with one or more of these items, even if they do not have ADHD. And very few children will have all of these symptoms. But if your child has many of these symptoms AND it is impacting school, their ability to make friends or making home life very difficult, then they may need additional support.
When Should I Get Help?
If you are looking at this list and your child meets more than 5 of these regularly or a specific symptom is causing significant concern, then getting an evaluation from your pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional may be helpful. Without a professional evaluation, it is difficult to know for sure if your child meets criteria. This is because there are a few other factors involved. For example, other things can look like ADHD…like past trauma, anxiety, difficulty transitioning between homes or learning difficulties.
Is Getting a Diagnosis Important?
Getting a professional diagnosis may be helpful for you to know how to better support your child and to give you a road map of what to do next. A diagnosis can help you advocate for accommodations at school, discuss treatment with your pediatrician or know how to better structure your child’s time at home.
It’s a huge relief to finally find the mental health professional who is your “right fit.” Not only will you be able to receive the help and support you need, but you may also find that your overall sense of well-being improves as you work through your unique issues with the guidance of a compassionate and understanding professional. Certainly, when beginning the process of finding the right mental health professional, it can be difficult to know where to start. However, it is well worth the effort.
Sometimes, the decision is simple. If your goal is solely to seek information or a psychiatric medication prescription, then a psychiatrist is likely the best fit. Additionally, if you seek assessment to determine your diagnoses or if you qualify for accommodations, then you likely need a psychologist. However, if you are looking for therapy, then you have numerous options.
Why does it matter which type of mental health professional I choose?
Mental health is an important aspect of overall well-being. Thus, seeking out the right type of mental health professional for your needs can make a significant difference in your journey towards healing and self-improvement. Finding the right fit is crucial. It can impact the effectiveness of treatment and how comfortable you feel opening up and discussing sensitive topics. Presently, in this blog we’ll explore factors to consider when choosing a mental health professional so that you can choose the right type of therapist to best match your needs.
Mental health professionals are trained professionals who provide support, treatment, and care to people experiencing mental health challenges. There are many different types of mental health professionals, each with their own specific training and areas of expertise. Understanding the role of each type of mental health professional can help you find the right support for your needs.
How to Find the Right Mental Health Professional
I hope this chart helps you decide which type of mental health professional best meets your needs. To make an informed decision, I broke this chart down into detailed information about each type of therapist who can help you accomplish your treatment goals for therapy, assessment, or medication.
Types of Mental Health Professionals:
Psychiatrists
A lot of patients call me and are unsure of whether they need a psychiatrist vs psychologist. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in the treatment of mental health conditions. They can prescribe medication, provide therapy, and order laboratory tests or other diagnostic procedures to help diagnose and treat mental health conditions.
Training: They went to medical school, as opposed to graduate school for psychology/therapy. In California they are the only professionals on this list who can prescribe medication. Their training includes 4 years of medical school and another 4 years of residency in psychiatry.
Psychologists
Psychologists (like myself) are trained in the science of the mind and behavior. They can provide therapy to help individuals understand and cope with their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. They may do this by helping clients process their experience, identify patterns, and develop coping and problem-solving skills to better cope with or eradicate their symptoms.
Therapeutic Approach: They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches to help people change negative patterns of thought and behavior. This can include a wide variety of psychodynamic, humanistic, or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). This could include ACT, solution-focused therapy, relational, DBT, and so many other potential modalities. If you are looking for depth-oriented short or long-term psychotherapy with a specialist trained to work with your specific symptoms, a psychologist may be your best fit.
Training: Psychologists’ training includes 4-6 years of post-undergraduate additional schooling and specialization that incorporate clinical work throughout. This is followed by 2-3 years of pre- and post-doctoral clinical training.
Assessments: Psychologists are also trained to administer psychological assessments. This involves administering and interpreting tests to help understand an individual’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral functioning. If you aim to learn whether you qualify for diagnoses (and associated work or school accommodations), psychologists can conduct a wide variety of assessments.
For instance, do you think you might have ADHD? Do you feel you may qualify for many different diagnoses and aim to learn which actually apply to you? If so, then assessment can help you gain these answers as well as receive personalized recommendations about how to more effectively manage or eradicate your symptoms
Degree Types: It is important to note that there are two different types of psychologist degrees: PhD and PsyD. PhD’s are doctors of Philosophy, whereas PsyD’s are doctors of Psychology. PsyD graduate programs prepare graduates to apply scientific knowledge to working with clients therapeutically. PhD programs emphasize research by preparing graduates to study the theories behind psychological principles and practices. Many PhD programs also require applied clinical training. However, the major difference frequently lies in PhD programs requiring double the research as PsyD’s, and PsyD programs requiring double the clinical work (conducting patient therapy and assessment) as PhD programs.
Marriage and Family Therapists
Another common question I receive is about the differences between a psychologist vs MFT. Marriage and family therapists are trained to work with individuals, couples, and families to address relationship issues, communication, and problem-solving. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues. This may include mental health conditions, relationship problems, and parenting challenges.
Training: MFT’s are typically the second most trained type of therapist (excluding psychiatrists) after psychologists on this list. Their training includes a two-year graduate program followed by approximately two years of working with clients pre-licensure.
MFT vs Psychologist: Ultimately, the decision between a psychologist and an MFT will depend on your specific needs and preferences. If you are seeking support for a specific mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression, a psychologist may be a good choice. If you seek support for relationship issues or to improve communication and problem-solving skills within your family, an MFT may be a better fit.
Clinical Social Workers
Clinical social workers train to provide therapy, support, and advocacy to individuals, families, and groups. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues, including mental health conditions, relationship problems, and substance abuse. Social workers often work for organizations that provide community services, such as in government agencies or non-profit organizations.
Training: Similar to MFT’s, social workers’ training includes a two year graduate program. MFT’s typically follow this with approximately two years of training in the field.
Counselors
Many people wonder about the difference between a counselor vs clinical social worker. Counselors can provide therapy and support to people facing a variety of challenges. This includes mental health conditions, relationship issues, and career problems. They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as CBT or mindfulness-based therapy, to help people overcome their challenges.
Training: MFT training tends to be more variable. Depending on their qualifications, it often includes a 1-3 year training course followed by clinical work pre-qualification.
So which Mental Health Professional is right for you?
In summary, each type of mental health professional has different training and qualifications. Therefore, it’s important to find the right fit for your needs. It’s important to choose a mental health professional with whom you feel comfortable and safe. Trust and rapport are key to the therapeutic relationship. Therefore, it’s important to find someone whom you feel comfortable talking to about personal issues. Most mental health professionals offer a free consultation call to discern goodness of fit. Remember, if a therapist feels you are looking for something beyond their scope of practice, they should discuss your options. They may refer you to the type of mental health professional that is most likely to best meet your needs. Keep in mind, may take some trial and error to find the right fit. However, the effort is worth it for the benefits of effective treatment.
Understanding the Letters Behind the Name (PhD, LMFT, etc)
Understanding the letters behind a therapist’s name can help you decipher which type of professional you are reading about when you see someone’s title:
Psychiatrists:
Doctor of Medicine (MD)
Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO)
Psychologists:
Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) in the field of psychology
Doctor of Psychology (PsyD)
Counselors and Therapists:
LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor
LCADAC, Licensed Clinical Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counselor
Social Workers:
LICSW, Licensed Independent Social Workers
LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
ACSW, Academy of Certified Social Worker
Finally, remember that it’s okay to take your time and be selective in your search for a mental health professional. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Finding the right person to work with can make all the difference in your journey towards healing and growth. So, when you’re ready to take the next step and begin therapy or seek assessment, fill this out to schedule a free consultation call. Begin your journey today: contact a therapist
Shannon N. Thomas, Psy.D.
I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.
Times around the Holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. With the joy and excitement around this time of year, there may also be anxiety and the anticipation of hard conversations with family members and loved ones. We have all felt that pressure, regardless of dynamics, connecting with loved ones can be difficult.
However, maybe it’s about reframing your mindset around these talks. Instead of assuming it will be hard or uncomfortable, why not go into these environments with a few topic ideas? Let’s give a few tips and tricks for navigating your holiday conversations.
Choose your Holiday audience wisely.
It may not be beneficial to talk to your conservative uncle about the political climate as it always results in tension or resentment. Go into conversation knowing that the other is a safe person for you, even if that circle is small.
How do you choose who is safe? Ask yourself these questions before the gathering:
Who here makes me feel heard?
Where do I feel cared for?
Am I accepted by this person?
Pick topics that add connection than isolation around the table.
There’s not an issue talking about what you do for a living or if you’re in a relationship, but these kinds of questions can feel singular and dry and somewhat uncomfortable to answer. Adding in some vulnerability offers an open space for warmth and connection, without feeling too pointed.
Asking questions with intention can sound like this:
Who in your life are you enjoying time with?
What are you finding fulfillment in these days?
What activities have you been excited about lately?
Small talk topics don’t have to be so forced.
Personally, small talk bores me and I can’t bring myself to tune into what the other person is saying. Questions about the weather or latest news only get you so far. But small talk can be intriguing and fun if you take a different take on questions.
Taking an interest in the lives of others with small talk questions like these:
Ask about their routines!
Their morning or evening routines create a layer of connection and you may find some inspiration to try something new in your own routines.
Low stake debates.
Do you think the Nightmare Before Christmas is a Christmas movie or a Halloween? What fashion trends should never come back in style? Asking fun, engaging questions lightens tension and feels inclusive with others.
Heres thebottom line.
Holidays can feel hard when we let our anxiety, past interactions, or history outweigh what’s in front of us. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep the energy in a room flowing but it is your responsibility to manage your own.
If all of this feels overwhelming, if the holidays are painful for you, please reach out to our offices to set up a consultation. After all, the Holidays are meant to be spent in community and we hope to be here for you.
When you’re diagnosed with ADHD, it can be difficult to discern facts from reality. The same is true if you are in the contemplation phase; wondering if you qualify for an ADHD diagnosis can be difficult while sifting through all the misinformation on social media that is perpetuated across the internet and pop-culture. Here I explain the reality behind the five main ADHD myths I encounter the most when working with new clients who struggle with symptoms of ADHD.
ADHD Myth #1: “You’re just lazy”
One of the biggest misconceptions about undiagnosed people with ADHD is that they just aren’t trying hard enough. Over half of the patients with ADHD I work with have been blamed for their untreated symptoms. Do any of these statements sound familiar?
“You’re just not trying hard enough!”
“Everyone else can get it done in time!”
“You just need to be more determined.”
These are fallacies! Not to mention incredibly damaging and demoralizing. The reality is that there is NO psychological correlation between ADHD and laziness. Lack of effort is NOT a symptom of ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD work harder than their neuro-typical counterparts because of the symptoms they’re knowingly or, too often, unknowingly combating.
ADHD Myth #2: Symptoms include…”
If you have TikTok or Instagram then you probably haven’t managed to avoid the endless cycle of videos explaining what ADHD looks like.
Social media would have us believe that everyone qualifies for an ADHD diagnosis. Now, social media has done a great job of raising awareness about disorders that people may otherwise not have thought to explore, get tested for, and treat.
However, they also contain a lot of myths about ADHD. I’ve lost track of how many completely incorrect symptoms I’ve heard on social media, from symptoms that actually indicate other disorders altogether to “frequent tripping.”
The truth is, whenever you want to learn the specifics of psychological disorders, social media is such a mixed bag of fact and fiction that you’re likely to encounter too many of they myths we’ve discussed so far.
Instead, consult with a psychologist or the DSM. The DSM is our Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which we use for differential diagnosis. It describes the symptoms of every psychological disorder and how many of them you need to experience in a certain time frame to qualify for various disorders and specifiers.
In short, there are three subtypes for ADHD:
Predominantly Inattention Presentation
Predominantly Hyperactivity Presentation
And ADHD, Combined Presentation
Depending on how many of each type of symptom you meet, you can be diagnosed with one of these specifiers. In a future blog, I’ll break down each of these specifiers in greater detail. In the meantime, you can check the DSM (our current version is the DSM-5-TR) to learn more.
ADHD Myth #3: “Adderall is always dangerous and addictive”
A lot of people have concerns about taking medication for ADHD. This isn’t incorrect, but there are also a lot of myths about the statistics of how medication can impact you. In short, there are numerous types of medications that can be used to treat ADHD. Some of these are stimulants, such as Adderall and Ritalin, and some are non-stimulants, such as Wellbutrin and Stratera which can also be used to treat depression.
Just as psychologists are the experts on therapy, psychiatrists are the experts on medication. Your psychiatrist can provide education about the different types of medications and which may be the best suited to your specific needs and concerns.
Adderall is a class-A stimulant, which is why it needs to be carefully monitored by your psychiatrist. It certainly has the potential to be addictive, and can be dangerous due to its side effects such as appetite suppression which can lead to dangerous weight levels.
However, if used correctly and monitored responsibly, many people find Adderall to be highly effective to help mitigate their symptoms. But, then there’s the other side of the coin…
ADHD Myth #4: “Adderall is a magic pill; it fixes ADHD”
Adderall is not a one-stop-shop magic pill that will get rid of your symptoms. It won’t suddenly make you stop procrastinating or maintain focus on what you feel that you should be focusing on. However, many people find that it can give you a choice. In other words, it can help you feel capable of, for instance, maintaining attention, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still capable of procrastinating just like a person without ADHD can.
Some people do find that Adderall feels like this “night and day” experience that drastically helps them manage their symptoms. If you try it and find that is not your experience, remember that there are plenty of medication options and that plenty of people try various medications or dosages before finding the right fit.
I like to recall the mantra that a psychiatrist I used to work with utilized when advising patients beginning ADHD medication: start low, go slow.
ADHD Myth #5: You grow out of ADHD, it’s “a childhood thing”
This popular myth may have stemmed from the fact that, in order for a psychologist to diagnose you with ADHD, your symptoms must have manifested prior to age 12. So yes, ADHD must be present in childhood, but it isn’t confined to childhood.
Some people do find that their symptoms lessen with age. Some people needed medication while in school, for instance, but find it less necessary to take medication in later life.
Remember, however, that many people do not find that their symptoms decrease as they age. Many people report that they discovered coping mechanisms to aid their ADHD symptoms, which may contribute to them feeling that their symptoms lessened as they got older. These strategies may include the following, which I’ll expand upon in a future blog:
Breaking larger projects down into its minor components
Setting reminders for daily or important tasks
Taking regular breaks when studying or working, such as employing the Pomodoro technique
Making their work/study environment as distraction free as possible
Using rewards to motivate themselves
Identifying and utilizing an “acountabili-buddy.”
Next Steps
Separating the myth from reality is key when learning about your new or suspected ADHD diagnosis. ADHD is a diagnosis with a high percentage of comorbidity, which means that people with ADHD sometimes also have another diagnosis, such as Anxiety, Depression, or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).
When the line between myth and reality becomes murky, it can be difficult to discern which diagnosis (if any) is currently impacting you. That can make it hard to figure out the best “next steps.” These next steps likely include working with a psychologist to be assessed for ADHD and learn if you qualify for a diagnosis. A psychologist will help you develop behavioral strategies to alleviate your symptoms or differentiate the impact of multiple diagnoses. Your psychologist may also help you meet with a psychiatrist to learn if medication could help you manage your symptoms more effectively. My hope is that this blog will help dispel some myths, arm you with truths, and help you begin to discern the next step that will be most beneficial for you.
Don’t know if you have ADHD?
I can help you answer that question.
A clear assessment can make all the difference in your life. Find out how we can help you
I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.
