Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Neurology

Listening is “fixing”: how to help your partner when they’re sad or scared

Written by Connor McClenahan

“I don’t want you to just fix the situation – can’t you just hear me?” 

For many couples this is a familiar rough spot. Maybe one partner is overwhelmed by something difficult, and the other partner – often well intentioned – responds by finding solutions to the pain. This can be a place of contention and can escalate quickly. Each partner can be frustrated. One feels unheard and dismissed, the other feels helpless.

Yet there’s a way both partners can learn to navigate these difficult moments to create deeper connection. To start, we need to ask an important question:

Why do we share emotions?

This may seem like a silly question, but let’s think about this for a minute. What is the function of sharing an emotion with another person? Why do we do it? Why, in this imagined scenario, does one partner want to be “heard” and share their feeling? 

Emotions are at the core of our daily lived experience of the world. Before we think or act, we feel. A feeling is a potentiality toward a certain action. Just like hunger is a potentiality that is satisfied by eating (think of the cathartic relief of a large dinner after a day of fasting!), emotions are potentialities that are satisfied by… well, that’s a bit more unclear isn’t it? 

Let’s think about this:

When we’re feeling sad, for example, what is the sadness needing?

When we’re feeling scared, what is the anxiety needing?

It’s needing to be shared.

This is what neuropsychologists call “attunement” – it’s the way our brains tune-in, just like a radio, to another person’s feeling. By tuning in and sharing the feeling together, something really remarkable happens: the feeling starts to recede. Sharing emotions is about inviting another person to experience our emotions with us so we can feel safe again. 

Once we’re safe, it becomes much easier to think together about solutions.

Our frontal lobes, responsible for planning and strategic thinking, go offline when we’re overwhelmed, but do a much better job when we feel safe and understood.

This is a process that happens naturally for all of us. When we watch someone get tackled in a football game, our minds naturally share his emotional experience. When we watch a contestant win a sing-off, we find ourselves tearing up with them. Our anterior cingulate cortex is responsible for simulating another’s experience in our own minds. We are built to naturally do this – to deeply share and tune-in to the emotional experiences of others. This is such a powerful and constant experience, that it’s more accurate to say emotions happen BETWEEN people, rather than “within” a person. 

So if this is so natural, why do we have such a hard time doing it with those closest to us?

Here’s the short answer: when we can’t attune to a certain feeling our partner is having, it’s because this feeling wasn’t attuned to well in our own histories. For some of us, we’ve learned that our own cries for help when we’re scared, or our own cries of sadness when we’re hurt actually drove our parents farther away from us. Or possibly, no one heard our cries at all. There can be an eerie sense that as you start to share that same emotion with someone today, that you’ll be left in the same bad place you were before: alone and maybe even ashamed. Tuning out of that emotion can be this way that you’re saying to yourself and your partner: “don’t cry out like that, I’ve known what it’s like and it doesn’t end well.” 

These kinds of experiences – where we find ourselves pulling away instead of tuning in – can be powerful to share with our partners.

Sharing the ways our own anxiety or sadness or anger was dismissed can be an important step toward learning to tune in better together. It might be best to pick a moment when your partner and you have cooled down. 

Therapy helps us grow in awareness about how our own histories of connection contribute to our experience of our current relationships. Growing in empathy and understanding for our own cries, our own ways of surviving, can help us see ourselves and others more clearly, and experience a more satisfying connection with others. 

So next time a conversation comes up around a strong feeling, know that the best way to fix it is actually to tune in, share the emotional experience with your partner, and together feel safe and connected again.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Setting a Centering Affirmation: How 1 Minute in the Morning Can Set You up for Success All Day.

Written by Here Counseling

Stress is everywhere these days. 

  • You’re trying to stay afloat economically. 
  • You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones. 
  • Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort. 

This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.

What’s happening in your brain and body?

Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking. 

Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.

  • Muscle tension.
  • Gastrointestinal issues.
  • Fatigue.
  • Insomnia.
  • Weight gain.
  • Extreme weight loss.

None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life. 

What can you do about it?

Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement. 

  • I’m unloved. 
  • I’m a failure. 
  • I’m not safe.

You get the point.

So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself. 

NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.

  • I am loved.
  • I’m important. 
  • I do the best I can.

Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today. 

LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.

Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?

These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice. 

Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.

Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day. 

Taking the next step

Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns. 

Be free to live again.

Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore. 

Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

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Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

Spending too much time on social media? Instead of a detox, try this

Written by Rose So

Sometimes your phone can feel needy. It demands your attention and pulls you away from time you wish you could enjoy. You find yourself constantly opening your apps, scrolling mindlessly through your feeds. It might be hard to notice how much time has passed!

You wish you could have a different relationship with social media.

Why social media captures our attention

Everyone around you is always on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc. and constantly posting about their lives. It’s how you stay in the know. Watching people’s stories and looking at their posts keeps you feeling like you’re in the loop.

Social media hijacks our entire outer shell of our brains, called the cortex. The main purpose of our cortex is to pay attention to our place in social networks to stay safe. Social media piggy backs on our survival instinct to stay connected and aware of our social situation.

It has been estimated that seven in ten Americans use social media as a way to connect with others, stay informed with news content, and entertain themselves. A recent study found that social media users spend an average of 2 hours and 24 minutes per day on an average of 8 social media and messaging apps. 

It makes sense – we’re really looking for safety in a social group.

What’s the problem with using social media?

Even though social media gives you a glimpse into the lives of your friends, family, and even strangers, it’s not a real, meaningful way of connecting with those individuals.

You often are not actually connecting with those individuals and engaging in thoughtful conversation that creates the basis of deep friendships. Instead, the mindless scrolling through social media, that so many of us are familiar with, can contribute to feelings of insecurity or loneliness.

It doesn’t have enough “bandwidth” to help us ever feel secure and connected.

So what can be done?

Tip #1: Take time off social media. Like a vacation! Delete your apps, or deactivate your apps. Do something that will help you separate yourself from the apps and minimize your chance of sneaking peaks in moments of weakness. 

Tip #2: Be specific. Set a day and time you will be away from social media. Give yourself a time frame for how long you will be off your apps for. This could be 1 day, 1 week, even a month or longer! But choose a time frame and hold yourself to that time frame.

Tip #3: Fill that empty time with something social. Our minds are used to spending time scrolling through social media. So simply abstaining from the apps may swing us back into dependence later on.

Identify something socially meaningful that you can engage in to fill up some of that empty time. Picnics at a park have been a great way to connect with others during this time! When you feel the urge to check social media, call a friend instead and feed your brain’s desire to connect and feel safe.

Or perhaps you’re needing some solitude. Identify what is recharging for you and spend time doing that activity. For some, that may be hiking. For others, that may be reading a book. Identify 1-2 things you’ve missed doing, whether its with others or in solitude, and replace the time you’d be on social media with those activities.

You can start creating a healthy relationship with social media today

While changing your relationship with social media might initially be difficult, it can also give you the space you need to reflect on how social media is affecting you, to understand just how unfulfilled you might be with it, and to identify other healthy, recharging activities you can engage in. These meaningful activities may allow you to actually engage and connect with others, rather than simply see their lives through the lens of social media.

So if social media is impacting you in negative ways, start today. Recharge yourself, recenter yourself, and reconnect to others.

Setting Social Media Boundaries Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

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Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive, especially during this time of increased fear, boredom, and lack of motivation.

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COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Your Brain on COVID-19

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling unsure of how to respond in times like these can lead to panicky decisions while we seek control in an out of control world. In this blog, I respond to a CNBC article about the panic-shopping and panic-investing we are witnessing. I’ll go over the processes underlying our behavior and how you can help yourself cope.

Hoarding Hoardes

In this article published by CNBC, the author discusses how panic leads to problematic decisions like hoarding and divesting from the stock market. The author found out that the panic sweeping the nation in grocery stores and the stock market is a result of human behavior during panic. In times of panic, we seek to preserve ourselves by hoarding necessities and pulling our cash out of investments. If the behavior seems primitive, it’s because it is. We are using a brain that dates back about 150,000 years and trying to use it to cope and decide about markets that are only about 100 years old and a society that is less than 250 years old. It is worsened by the fact that fear can be contagious, so if you see someone piling up canned goods, it sends off fear signals in your brain that you may be the one without if you don’t act quickly. According to the article, it is best to sit down and take stock of your emotions and separate from your decision-making by talking to experts, such as a financial planner. They may be able to provide rationality or have experience in sharp economic downturns. 

It’s All Normal to Feel

You’ve probably felt your heart start racing or palms sweating as you started to look for your car keys and reusable grocery bags in a last ditch effort to get what you can at the grocery. Maybe you’ve thought of cashing out of the stock market or pulling cash out of the bank. It’s all normal to feel but the big problem is thinking we’ve made the best decision when to pull out cash or hoard toilet paper.

As the article mentions, our brains are an old system that dates back about 150,000 years ago. If you can imagine a primitive human staring in awe, mouth agape, at a TV displaying cable news of the COVID-19 crisis (let’s assume the human speaks English), it is easy to also imagine that person frantically grabbing at necessities, pushing people over to get to them, and grunting to intimidate others. Fear is contagious and no one wants to be the one without enough supplies if circumstances become so dire.

When we acknowledge that we have the same brain, the panicky response of the masses seems more understandable.

Most people pulling money out of the bank or stock market are focusing on preserving what they have. This emotional reaction has the power to override an established financial plan and cause people to “get out.” Imagine our friend, the primitive human, with a pile of resources, seeing the panic on TV, and attempting to protect his pile – not too different from us, again.

Stockpiling is a legitimate coping response that will probably result in reducing your stress but only if done responsibly.

Ineffective Coping Makes Things Worse

Buying enough canned goods for a couple of weeks of self-quarantine is realistic, but racking up a credit card bill you cannot afford for food and toilet paper you cannot store is a poor choice that will lead to more stress and worry. Standing in line for hours at Costco talking to other people who are reacting to panic is likely increase your stress, too. Also, hoarding means there will be less for others, especially the vulnerable that aren’t able to travel to the store or afford to buy in large quantities.

6 Things You Can Do to Cope

  1. Talk to others. Take time to talk to others via FaceTime and gain other perspectives and socialize without leaving your house.
  2. Turn off news notifications on your phone. You have plenty of other things you can do on there. Play a game or do something more active, such as drawing or journaling.
  3. Limit watching the news on TV. Maybe you only watch the evening local news broadcast and leave it at that. Instead, watch movies or play video games.
  4. Visit the grocery at off-peak times. If you must go, go when fewer people will be there to reduce your panicky feelings. Go with a list and only buy what you need. Essentials will remain available, even in a major shutdown (i.e.: Spain)
  5. Talk to a therapist. You knew I would suggest it, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed we are here. I can’t make it all go away or run your errands but I can help you gain perspective and work on symptom management in the meantime.
  6. Explore your state’s COVID-19 website. For example, California (where I practice) has a website that helps folks understand how the government is responding and protecting your future. For those worried about their finances, the site includes details about paid leave and short-term disability options that can help calm financial worries.
Put simply, do not stimulate yourself with stressful images and words. It is one thing to be informed, it is another to be overwhelmed and inundated in a way our 150,000 year-old brains aren’t great at handling.

When to Seek Professional Help

Give the tips above a try and if you’re noticing yourself struggling to cope effectively it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. Connecting with another person that is nonjudgmental is an opportunity to reflect and honestly analyze your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Protecting the future for you and yours is a common reason people invest, so times like this feel existential. It’s important to check with your financial advisor about how to best stick to your plan or hire a financial planner to help develop a plan that includes contingencies for times like these. Writing down the things you are anxious about and seeing if there is a simple solution is useful step to take.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD
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Neurology

Get to bed at 10 tonight: Why sleep is important and how more of it will change your life

Written by Here Counseling

It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep. Maybe it’s work stress, too much screen time, or something you haven’t quite figured out yet that keeps you up. Maybe you’re waking up after going to bed on time but you’re still not refreshed and ready for the day.

I know it’s hard to get, but sleep is important to preserving and improving our mental health and physical health. I’ll explain some of these important processes below, and be sure to check back soon for the tips on how to get that much-needed sleep.

Sleep keeps the doctor away

Sleep improves immunity. Consistently poor sleep is known to disrupt the immune system, leaving us more prone to common illnesses. The key here is consistency. One common mistake is to try to “catch up” on the weekends.
Deep sleep is essential for repairing wear and tear on the body. In fact, it is during deep sleep stages that human growth hormone is released into the body, aiding in the recovery of muscles and buildup of new muscles. Deep sleep is also the most refreshing portion of the sleep cycle because it reduces our body’s natural drive for sleep, ensuring you’re not sluggish throughout the day.

Good sleep builds memories

One of deep sleep’s most vital functions is the consolidation of new memories, in other words, it’s where memories are stored and organized for long-term access. So, if you’re studying for a big test, don’t stay up all night cramming because those crammed in memories won’t consolidate effectively – less is more when studying and sleeping well!

Sleep helps you avoid weight gain and diabetes

Getting enough deep sleep reduces the odds of developing diabetes. Missing out on deep sleep can lead to changes in the way the body manages glucose. We mainly dream during the REM state that follows the deep sleep stages, so if you’re having dreams you’re likely getting quality sleep.

Sleep can aid in weight loss. Research indicates those getting poor sleep are more prone to increased levels of ghrelin (stimulates hunger) and reduced levels of leptin (makes you feel full). Overeating and not feeling full is a recipe for gaining weight and being “hangry,” not to mention the other health issues that come with being overweight.

Less sleep problems means more intimacy

Behavioral problems can include a reduction in sexual activity. When people have sleep issues they develop routines to help fall asleep and one thing that can disturb that is a bed partner, so folks end up sleeping alone. Not surprisingly, sleeping in different rooms is not conducive to an active sex life. On top of that, a tired and tense person is likely to experience a reduced libido, even before they sleep in separate beds.

Good sleep wards off depression

A survey of those with depression and anxiety revealed that most slept less than 6 hours per night, falling short of the 8 hours most adults need. This finding suggests that proper sleep hygiene may be protective against common mental health issues.

Sleep isn’t simply “turning off” for the night. It’s a healing, active process that helps you function your best. Maybe you’re struggling to get to sleep – whether it’s from overworking yourself or even stress. I hope this reminder helps you refocus on how important it can be to slow down and get good rest.

The next step is mastering sleep hygiene: changing a few things every night to help you get the sleep you need. Check back soon for the tips on how to improve your sleep hygiene.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD

I help people with depression feel less weighed down, and more in control of their emotions, so they can feel relief.

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