Managing emotions Archives

“Why did this happen?” How to Find Hope in Tragedy

Loss and sadness naturally leave us feeling uncertain. This can bring with them a deeper yearning for understanding – this deep yearning for meaning in the midst of the pain. Tragedy and loss naturally cause us to notice deep questions about ourselves and our experiences. This sense of searching for meaning in the midst of our pain and sadness.

Often as we are experiencing a loss or crisis we find ourselves trying to find answers to help us understand why we are experiencing the pain. We begin to find ourselves searching for answers to really hard questions.

“Why me?”

Thoughts like “why?” or “why me?” begin to creep in and can feel very overwhelming. These questions and wonderings are our way of seeking as a way of making peace with our experiences. That’s is also why it can feel distressing and overwhelming to be asking these questions when there seem to be no clear answers to these questions.

Our internal need for answers is a normal and natural longing. Being unable to make sense of our experience and sensing that we cannot find the answers we so deeply need can lead to other linked experiences such as:

Anger
Irritability
Lack of motivation
Feeling numb
Increased anxiety
Racing or ruminating thoughts

These may signal a deeper need for an ability to gain a sense of clarity to help us to understand what has happened and the reason for the event or tragedy.

You may notice yourself going back to this swirling thought: “Why me? Why now? Why this way?”

Your search for meaning started as a child

There is this very primary response that we all have that needs to be able to connect with the meaning of a situation or experience. For many of us, we may remember these moments in our early development where there is a continual quest for understanding. This is often the season that tests the patience of most parents or caregivers when small children begin to ask the perpetual question of “why?”

“Why does the sun look like that?” “Why does the cat say meow?”

Why, why why. This is a primal instinct that is without question one of the most important parts of learning how to navigate things that feel uncertain or unknown. In this process of wondering and asking we are also finding ways to care for our deeper emotional need for safety and security.

One of the most valued and important feelings that we need is that of safety and security. This need for security is absolutely related to our own desire to know that I am safe.

We want to know we’re still safe

Moments of crisis shake the very foundation of our internal sense of safety. These moments that feel like they shatter all that we once knew, also threaten this deeper feeling of security and safety.

Being able to make meaning of these life shattering moments is one of the most important steps in being able to regain your feeling of inner rest. The continual feelings of fear and uncertainty can seem endless and exhausting. Yet, being able to notice the questions that keep coming up in a way that is accepting and compassionate can be just what you need to move from a place of fear and into a place of hope and rest.

What to do when you notice yourself caught in a flurry of wondering and ache.

Here are three things that can most help you make sense of the pain.

1. Give yourself space to ask questions. It can feel scary to notice that we are wondering about things that seem to have no answer. Yet, these questions are important to help you to seek a sense of meaning making that is so valuable in your own sense of understanding that you are so naturally seeking. Think of this as your small child self that needs to ask the questions, even if there may not be a perfect answer that solves the wondering. Sometimes designating a set amount of time to be able to sit with these deeper feelings and questions can be helpful to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Setting a timer and allowing a set amount of time for which you can allow yourself to explore the questions and feelings can be helpful. Once the allotted time has ended you can begin to shift your focus and know that you come back to these thoughts again tomorrow or next week.

2. Find a safe space to tell your story. It can feel hard to feel like you are having to say the same thing again and again, without being able to move past the pain, but the pain is an important indicator that you need to seek out safe spaces to talk and be heard. For many people, having friends and family who can listen and care are invaluable. There is also something helpful about being able to share your story with others who have experiences that are similar to your own. There is this incredible feeling that comes when you begin to share and someone says, “yeah, I hear you, that is totally relatable and understandable.” Seeking out a support group or grief group for others who are going through a similar experience can be one of the greatest resources to help in regaining your own sense of well being.

3. Seek out practices and spaces that help you in moments of difficulty.This could include practices that bring a sense of connection with your own empowerment, clarity about their own life purpose and spaces that help you live out your deeper personal values. A great resources for times of fear and uncertainty can be to move into a connection with deeper values and meaning.

– Spending time with important people.

– Find intentional ways that allow you to give back

– Connecting with nature and beauty in the world around you.

– Seeking out faith communities or other spiritual practices.

When we go through difficult times, we can often find ourselves disconnecting from these places and people who are important parts of our own grounding and connection. Creating a plan for intentional connection can be important and helpful, especially as you grapple with deeper yearning for understanding and meaning.

These moments of deep pain or unexpected loss can be some of the most difficult and unsettling experiences. Allowing space to allow the questions to come can be an important part of helping to find a deeper sense of meaning. Sometimes there isn’t a clear path forward, and sometimes the answers themselves may not feel clear or complete. Yet you don’t have to feel overwhelmed in the midst of your pain. There are ways that you can help to move through the questions with greater courage and peace.

Seeking a safe place to be able to explore these deeper questions in the midst of tragedy is so very important. Sometimes it can feel helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or other mental health professional to help support you in the process of seeking clarity during these difficult moments.

Learn About Therapy with Kristi

Managing emotions

Feeling Nothing? The Truth About Emotional Numbness in Men

Written by Jake Maxwell

Why Do Some Men Feel Emotionally Numb?

You find yourself going through the motions, unable to feel much of anything. Maybe you know you should be happy, sad, or excited but instead, you feel…nothing. Emotional numbness is a silent struggle many men experience, often without realizing it. Rather than feeling deeply, everything becomes muted, like watching life through a foggy window.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional numbness is more common than you might think, and understanding why it happens is the first step toward change.

What Is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness isn’t just about feeling down – it’s about not feeling at all. It can show up in different ways like:

Struggling to feel joy, even in situations that you think would be exciting.
Feeling detached from loved ones or relationships.
Having difficulty identifying what you feel, beyond just “fine” or “tired.”
Avoiding deep conversations or uncomfortable emotions.
Relying on distractions like work, social media, or alcohol to avoid inner thoughts.

At its core, emotional numbness is a disconnection from yourself. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from stress, pain, or overwhelming emotions. It can be helpful but maybe you’re reading this blog because you’re realizing that over time, it comes at a cost.

Why Do So Many Men Feel Emotional Numbness?

There are lots of reasons men might experience and those reasons can often work together to reinforce emotional disconnection. Here are some that might resonate with you.

1. The “Tough It Out” Mentality

From a young age, many boys are taught that emotions (especially sadness, fear, or vulnerability) are signs of weakness. Phrases like “man up,” “stop being so sensitive,” or “real men don’t cry” create a powerful message: emotions should be disregarded and pushed away. Over time, men learn to shut down feelings rather than express them.

2. Stress and Trauma

Emotional numbness often develops as a defense mechanism. When men experience high levels of stress, childhood trauma, or painful experiences, their brains sometimes “turn off” emotions to cope. While this can be useful in the short-term, staying in this disconnected state can lead to long-term emotional shutdown.

3. Depression & Burnout

Numbness can be a symptom of depression, even in men who don’t feel sad. Many men with depression describe feeling empty, fatigued, or uninterested in things they used to enjoy. Burnout, whether from work, relationships, or life stress, can also lead to emotional exhaustion, making it harder to feel anything at all.

4. Coping Through Distraction

Rather than confronting emotions, many men find ways to distract themselves like working long hours, scrolling social media, exercising, or drinking. While these behaviors might seem harmless, they often can serve as avoidance mechanisms that keep emotions buried rather than processed.

The Hidden Costs of Emotional Numbness

At first, numbness might not seem like a big problem. It can feel easier than dealing with difficult emotions. But over time, it starts to take a toll:

Strained Relationships: When emotions are suppressed, it becomes harder to connect with others. Partners may feel distant, frustrated, or even resentful when emotional expression is missing.
Lack of Motivation: Feeling detached can lead to a sense of aimlessness. Work, hobbies, and even social activities may start to feel pointless or unfulfilling.
Sudden Outbursts: When emotions are bottled up for too long, they often find a way out. Sometimes in the form of anger, irritability, or unexpected breakdowns.
Physical Health Issues: Suppressed emotions are linked to increased stress levels, which can contribute to high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and a weakened immune system.

How to Start Feeling Again

If you recognize emotional numbness in yourself, know that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Here are some ways to reconnect with your emotions:

1. Name What’s Happening

Acknowledging that you feel emotionally numb is an important first step. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to get curious about when and why it started.

2. Engage in Small, Mindful Activities

Reconnecting with your emotions doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Simple things like journaling or going for a walk without distractions can help you tune back into yourself.

3. Talk About Your Emotional Numbness

One of the most powerful ways to overcome numbness is to talk about it. This could be with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Opening up can feel uncomfortable at first, but it can also be a gateway to emotional reconnection.

4. Challenge Old Beliefs To Overcome Emotional Numbness

If you’ve grown up believing emotions are a weakness, remind yourself that vulnerability is actually a strength. The ability to feel deeply and express emotions leads to stronger relationships and a more fulfilling life.

You Don’t Have To Stay Numb Forever

Emotional numbness is a common experience, but it doesn’t have to define you. By taking small steps toward self-awareness and emotional connection, you can start to feel again and build a life that feels more meaningful and authentic.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out for support. Therapy can provide the tools to help you reconnect with your emotions and yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out for help today.

Learn About Therapy With Jake

Managing emotions, Podcast

[VIDEO] How to Escape the Pursue-Withdraw Trap in Your Relationship

Written by herecounseling

You’re in a relationship where every argument feels like you’re on a treadmill to nowhere. One of you chases for connection, while the other retreats into silence. This is the pursue-withdraw pattern, and it’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.

What is the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern?

The pursue-withdraw pattern is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner (the pursuer) seeks more interaction, validation, or resolution during conflicts, while the other (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed and tends to retreat or disengage.

John Allan Whitacre, AMFT, describes this vividly: “One person is going to stop at a rock and basically sit there and say, ‘Let’s just stop entirely. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.'” Here, the withdrawer might feel they’re not good enough or fear being criticized, leading to a retreat from interaction.

On the other hand, the pursuer, feeling neglected or anxious, might push for engagement, as Whitacre explains, “Another person may have been waiting all day at work to basically attend to their internal to-do list,” indicating a desire for resolution or closeness.

Pursue-Withdraw Pattern Causes Couples to Fight

The Emotional Toll: When one partner withdraws, seeking solitude or disengagement from the conflict, the other often feels abandoned or unloved, leading to a cycle of blame and retreat that can deepen the rift between you. This pattern becomes a repetitive dance where neither feels truly heard or understood.

Heightened Anxiety: This pattern isn’t just about disagreement; it’s about survival mode in your relationship. “We need to be able to fall back when life gets hard,” says Dr. Connor McClenahan, highlighting how this dynamic can turn a partner into a source of stress rather than support, escalating anxiety for both. The pursuer might feel desperate for reassurance, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the demand for closeness, creating a vicious cycle of increasing tension.

Connection and Identity is at Stake

Loss of Connection: Every cycle of pursue and withdraw chips away at the trust and intimacy you’ve built. “They’re both longing for safety,” Whitacre notes, but instead of finding it in each other, partners can feel increasingly isolated, even when they’re together. This lack of connection can lead to a profound sense of loneliness within the relationship.

Identity and Self-Worth: “I’m not good enough, so I need to retreat,” Whitacre describes the internal narrative of the withdrawer. Meanwhile, the pursuer might feel, “I need you. Where are you?” This dynamic can leave both questioning their value in the relationship and to each other. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and the belief in the relationship’s potential for happiness and fulfillment.

Awareness Breaks the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

Awareness is Key: “Especially on the front end. A lot of my work with couples is just helping them notice when they are coping,” Whitacre shares. Recognizing these roles you play can be the first step to breaking free from them. It’s about seeing the pattern for what it is—a defense mechanism rather than a personal attack or disinterest.

Communication Over Reaction: Instead of reacting out of hurt or fear, Whitacre pushes for understanding underlying needs. “What are you really trying to say to them?” he asks, encouraging couples to speak to their true feelings rather than their immediate frustrations. This shift can transform heated arguments into moments of vulnerability and connection.

The Healing Power of Therapy: “There actually is an opportunity to choose to either react to your feelings or respond to them,” Whitacre suggests. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics, learn new communication skills, and rebuild the connection. It’s about slowing down the interaction, allowing each partner to express what’s beneath the surface—fears, desires, and hopes.

A New Beginning as a Couple

The pursue-withdraw pattern doesn’t have to define your relationship. By confronting this cycle head-on, you can transform your partnership from one of survival and stress to one of mutual support and understanding. This podcast episode isn’t just about identifying a problem; it’s about offering a lifeline to couples caught in this loop, giving them the tools to reconnect, re-engage, and rediscover each other in healthier, more loving ways.

Imagine replacing those moments of withdrawal with gentle requests for space or understanding, and those moments of pursuit with compassionate invitations for closeness. By learning to communicate your needs without the baggage of past patterns, you can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and love. If you’re ready to step off that treadmill, it’s time to start rewriting your relationship story, one conversation at a time.

Couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

Schedule a Consultation with John Allan

Managing emotions, Podcast

[Video] Take off your “depression lens” by experiencing awe

Written by McKenzie Laird

So you’ve just encountered a disappointing setback at work that’s puts into question your self-worth. With every passing day, you feel negativity taking over. Its subtle at first, but is now overriding your system, leaving you wanting to do as little as possible. Feelings of hopelessness sweep over you, and it’s hard to get out of bed. Pretty soon you’re convinced nothing can make the situation better. Not wanting friends and family to experience you like this, you begin to isolate yourself and cancel existing plans. You wish there were something to pluck you from this debilitating spiral, but it just feels too powerful.

You wonder, “why is this happening to me?” You’re frustrated with yourself yet powerless to shift your mind or your body away from this pattern.

Awe: the counterweight to depression

Depression is connected to the complex emotional experience we call awe. Awe is the experience of making meaning from vastness and seeing the world differently as a result.

For instance, imagine this scenario:

You’re not much of a camper, but your friends pull you to join them on their annual camping trip to Yosemite. The impact of the night sky in nature is something you’re aware of intellectually. You’ve even been before, once or twice. However, there’s something about being here this time confronting you with just how incredibly small you are, and you hold your hands up to the sky for scale.

As you lie outside gazing into the dark and star-filled void, your mind wanders away from your small size and into the idea of being human. You look to the left and right of you at your friends. They each have their faces turned toward the sky. It’s quiet. You’re suddenly aware that you’re all together. Together at this campsite, in this country, on this planet. The silence breaks from bristling leaves. Then a crack of laughter. Someone leans over to you and asks, “so, why do you think we’re here?”

Awe Moves Us From The Physical to The Psychological to The Existential.

Religious experiences, the birth of a child, and sunrises are some of the many experiences people claim as awe-inducing in their lives. Experiences of awe move the body from the sympathetic into the parasympathetic system of functioning. This is movement from our threat detection system to our relaxation and connective systems. For instance, the awe of watching a sunrise provides our body the sense of safety needed to access self-reflection and awareness.

This way, awe-based experiences are encounters with uncertainty. Encounters with wonder in physical, social, or conceptual forms confront us with our physical smallness and cognitive limitations. The fascinating details of a clear night sky, powerful waterfall, or stadium cheering decreases our self-focus and heightens our attention of the outside world. As we focus less on ourselves, interactions with vastness can challenge our ideas of the world. As a result, awe inspires acceptance of the world in all its uncertainty and mystery.

Awe Changes Depression by Breaking Up Negative Thoughts .

Aspects of depression such as rumination and hopelessness emerge from strongly held beliefs about what the world is like. These beliefs about the world and ourselves then prime how we predict and react to the events around us. Outdated beliefs about life, such as “the world is entirely unsafe” keep us stuck in these depressive symptoms. However, feeling awe can help loosen the grip that our outdated beliefs about life have on us. This is because awe-filled encounters decrease our self-focus, which gets heightened in depression. Rigid and unhelpful beliefs loosen through encounters with vastness. This offers our brain a chance to update how we predict and react to people and situations in our lives.

In one frame work called the Matryoshka Model, you can trace how encounters with awe shift from our electrical impulses to our physiology, to our psychology, and eventually to our attitudes about life.

Let’s delve into how the Matryoshka Model can illustrate the transformative power of awe on depression through different layers, like those nesting dolls, but with each layer representing a different type of change.

1. Awe Creates Neurological Changes in Depression

Firstly, let’s talk about electrical changes. When you’re in awe, it’s like your brain gets a reboot. Think of it as the lights coming back on in a room that’s been dark too long. Depression often dims our neural activity, but awe can spark a surge of electrical activity in areas like the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in attention and emotional regulation. This can disrupt the repetitive, negative thought patterns that characterize depression, giving you a new, brighter perspective.

2. Awe Creates Immediate Changes in Depression

Next, we move to immediate psychological changes. Awe acts like a lens, expanding your view from the narrow focus of self to the vastness around you. It’s like stepping out of a tiny, cramped room into an open field. This shift can halt the rumination cycle, where you’re stuck replaying your worries. Instead, you’re now engaged with something larger and more magnificent, which can lift your mood and bring a sense of peace, even if just for a moment.

3. Awe Creates Cortisol Changes in Depression

Diving deeper, there are neuroendocrinal psychological changes. Here, awe starts playing with the chemistry of your mind. It’s known to reduce levels of stress hormones like cortisol while possibly boosting feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin. This biochemical shift can help ease the physical symptoms of depression, like fatigue or pain, by calming the body’s stress response. It’s like awe sends a message to your body: “Let’s dial down the stress, shall we?”

4. Awe Creates Existential Changes in Depression

At the core, we have existential changes. Awe might not just change how you feel momentarily; it can alter how you see your place in the universe. Depression can make you feel insignificant or lost, but awe can reconnect you with a sense of purpose or meaning. It’s like opening the last doll to find not just another doll but a whole new world of possibilities. This layer can inspire you to rethink your life’s narrative, encouraging a journey towards what truly matters to you, fostering hope and resilience against depression.

So, through the Matryoshka Model, awe isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it’s a layered experience that can touch every part of your being—from the electrical zaps in your neurons to the deepest sense of your existence. Each layer peels back another aspect of depression, making way for healing and growth.

Awe Can Sometimes Increase Depression

While awe can induce feelings of greater connectedness to the world around us, the reality is that encounters with awe-inspiring events can also inspire feelings of powerlessness and insignificance. This occurs when the event is a frightening or saddening one, such as a destructive wildfire, severe snowstorm, or heart wrenching documentary about an issue you care about. When we begin to experience isolation, loneliness, and insignificance as a result of scary and tragic encounters, this is a signal that it’s time to reach out for connection from safe and trusted others. Finding connection with other people after difficult encounters helps us to channel our feelings of awe into a greater source of wisdom and meaning in life. Despite the complexities of awe, seeking out positive experiences of awe can promote our well being and thriving.

Seek Awe in the Everyday

Awe is both a collective and deeply personal experience. While it’s found by immersing oneself in nature, it’s also discovered in the details of daily life. According to Ambre Associates, Awe can be found without major travel or expenses with these 5 minute practices. Some include:

Taking a slow walk, stopping to gaze at something that catches your attention.

Listening differently. Focus on the sounds of the instruments in your favorite song, tune into the sounds of nature and public life.

Listening to a speech delivered by your favorite speaker.

Following Instagram accounts that share pictures of nature.

Reach out for help

Connect with someone who can support you in understanding existential depression and it’s impact on yourself, work, friends, and family. I help people access inner strength so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom.

Therapy for trauma and depression with McKenzie Laird, AMFT

Learn More About Therapy with McKenzie

Managing emotions

LA Fires make us ask: Who Do You Have? What Do You Need? How to Cope After the LA Wildfires

Written by John Allan Whitacre

The recent wildfires in Los Angeles have left deep scars on our community, both physically and emotionally. Entire neighborhoods have been displaced, families have lost their homes, and the landscape we love has been transformed. But beyond the visible damage, there is an invisible toll—one that lingers in our hearts and minds long after the flames have been extinguished.

As a therapist based in LA, I have witnessed firsthand the devastation these disasters bring. I have sat with individuals in the aftermath of displacement, listened to stories of loss, and even navigated my own experiences with evacuation and uncertainty.

In times of crisis, we are often forced to ask ourselves difficult questions. As I listened to Armchair Expert, I thought Monica Padman summed these difficult questions up beautifully. “Who do I have? What do I need? And sometimes, the answer to those questions feels unbearably heavy.”

If you are struggling, please know this: You are not alone. Healing takes time, and there are compassionate resources available to help you process the emotional and psychological impact of this disaster. Whether you have been directly affected or are supporting someone who has, this guide offers support, understanding, and hope.

Understanding the Psychological Impact of Wildfires

Natural disasters trigger a cascade of emotions, many of which can feel overwhelming and unpredictable. It is normal to experience any combination of the following:

Acute Stress: Feelings of shock, confusion, and an inability to focus immediately after the event.
Grief and Loss: Losing your home, your belongings, or your sense of security can feel deeply painful, bringing up feelings of sadness, mourning, and even anger.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: The fear of another disaster can make it difficult to relax, trust, or feel safe.
Trauma and PTSD: Recurring nightmares, flashbacks, or avoidance behaviors may develop in response to the traumatic event.
Guilt: Many survivors struggle with survivor’s guilt, wondering why they were spared when others lost so much. Remember, grief is not a competition. Your pain is valid, no matter the extent of your losses.

Our brains are wired to protect us in moments of crisis, flooding us with stress hormones to help us survive. But when the danger passes, our nervous systems may struggle to recalibrate. The road to emotional recovery can be long, but acknowledging these feelings is the first step. Be gentle with yourself as your nervous system recovers from the stress.

Wildfires: Immediate Psychological First Aid

It’s difficult to know what to do in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event. Here are some key ways to support yourself and others:

Ensure Safety First: If you are comforting someone affected, offer a calm, stable presence. Let them know they are safe.
Validate Feelings: Instead of offering solutions, listen. Sometimes, simply being heard is the most powerful form of support.
Offer Practical Help: Small gestures—helping someone find shelter, food, or reconnect with loved ones—can make an enormous difference.
Encourage Connection: Trauma thrives in isolation. Encourage people to reach out to family, friends, or local support groups.

It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Simply showing up with empathy and presence can provide immeasurable comfort.

Long-Term Coping Strategies & Local Resources

Once the immediate crisis has passed, it’s important to focus on long-term healing. Here are some local resources and techniques that may help:

1. Seeking Professional Support in Los Angeles

Trauma-Focused Therapy: Many LA-based therapists specialize in trauma recovery, offering therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
Community Counseling Centers: The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (LACDMH) provides free or low-cost therapy services. Call their 24/7 Help Line at 1-800-854-7771 for immediate assistance.
Local Support Groups: Organizations like the California Community Foundation and local faith-based groups offer emotional support and community gatherings for those in need.

2. Mind-Body Healing Techniques

Mindfulness & Meditation: Consider joining guided classes at InsightLA or The Mindfulness Center for relaxation and stress relief.
Yoga for Trauma Recovery: Studios like YogaWorks and Modo Yoga offer gentle, trauma-sensitive classes to help reconnect with the body.
Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing techniques can help regulate the nervous system and bring a sense of calm.

3. Rebuilding Resilience

Create a New Routine: Establishing even small daily rituals—morning tea, a walk, journaling—can provide a sense of normalcy.
Focus on Your Strengths: Reflect on past hardships you’ve overcome and remind yourself of your resilience.
Get Involved in Community Efforts: Rebuilding together fosters a sense of purpose. Consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity Greater Los Angeles or local relief organizations.

4. Additional Crisis Support

Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 (24/7 emotional support)
LACDMH Crisis Hotline: 1-800-854-7771 (Local LA-based mental health support)
California Fire Foundation’s SAVE Program: Provides emergency financial assistance to wildfire victims.
LA Family Housing: Offers shelter and resources for displaced families.

Supporting Children & Teens Through Trauma

Children and teens process disasters differently than adults. They might have different questions about wildfires and not know how to find answers. They may experience fear, withdrawal, behavioral changes, or even physical symptoms (such as stomach aches or trouble sleeping). To support them:

Provide Reassurance: Let them know they are safe and that you are there for them.
Maintain Structure: Routines help create a sense of security.
Encourage Expression: Play, art, and storytelling allow children to process their emotions in a safe way.
Watch for Signs of Distress: If a child exhibits prolonged sadness, aggression, or regression, consider reaching out to a child therapist. The Los Angeles Unified School District offers mental health support for affected students.

Caring for Caregivers & Supporters

If you’re supporting a loved one through these wildfires, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Compassion fatigue is real, and burnout can creep in if you don’t set boundaries.

Give yourself grace. It’s okay to feel exhausted or overwhelmed.
Seek your own support. Many LA therapists specialize in counseling for caregivers and first responders.
Engage in self-care. Whether it’s movement, creative expression, or simply rest—prioritize activities that restore you.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

Healing as a community amidst these wildfires will not be linear. There will be good days and bad days, moments of strength and moments of exhaustion. But you are not alone in this. Your pain is real, your grief is valid, and there are people who care about you.

If you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Therapy, community connection, and small daily acts of self-care can make all the difference.

Together, as a community, we will rebuild—not just our homes, but our hearts as well.

Learn about therapy with John Allan

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

End People-Pleasing: How to Reclaim Your Voice and Relationships

Written by John Allan Whitacre

People-Pleasing is exhausting

Wrestling with the urge to please others can lead you to say yes when you often want to say no. Whether it’s a boss who overlooks your limits or a partner whose disappointment feels unbearable, many people feel pressured to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. This tendency is rooted in a desire for approval, fear of rejection, and conflict avoidance. While it may seem minor, people-pleasing can heighten anxiety, lead to burnout, and foster resentment in relationships.

As a therapist, I’ve seen how chronic people-pleasing can erode self-esteem, create burnout, and lead to resentment. The good news? You can break free from this cycle. Here’s a guide to understanding and overcoming people-pleasing, so you can reclaim your voice and live authentically.

People-Pleasing is a survival strategy

At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. It often stems from childhood experiences where approval and compliance were necessary for safety, love, or acceptance. You may have learned that in stressful situations, your family needed you to be the rescuer/caretaker of the family. Over time, this behavior can solidify into a belief that your worth is tied to how much you can give or how well you can meet others’ expectations.

You may have received recognition or continue to receive praise for your people-pleasing tendencies. You might be known in your community as “a selfless giver” or as the friend who is available “day and night.” While these qualities may appear admirable, they often come at the expense of your well-being, personal boundaries, and authentic self.

People-pleasing can cause a painful cycle of over-accommodating people you are in relationships with. This can lead to resentment toward your partner and an inability to state your needs in the relationship.

Signs of people-pleasing:

Difficulty saying no – You feel guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
Constantly seeking approval – Your self-worth depends on others’ validation.
Avoiding conflict at all costs – You prioritize peace over expressing your true feelings.
Overcommitting – You stretch yourself too thin to meet others’ needs.
Neglecting your needs – Your desires and well-being take a backseat.

The Cost of People-pleasing

While accommodating others may feel rewarding in the short term, the long-term impact can be detrimental. Chronic people-pleasing can lead to:

Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Suppressed anger or resentment
A weakened sense of self
Strained relationships due to unspoken needs and expectations

It is fascinating to me that the very thing we get external validation for is also the thing that leads to further hurt and strain in our relationships. In your need to accommodate other people’s needs and feelings, you end up missing one of the most powerful elements of relationships: reciprocity. Breaking free starts with recognizing these costs and making a conscious choice to prioritize your well-being.

Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing

Understand Your Triggers Reflect on situations that prompt people-pleasing. Is it fear of rejection? A need for control? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs Replace thoughts like “I must make everyone happy” with affirmations such as “My needs are valid, too.”
Practice Saying No Start small. Politely decline requests that overextend you. For example, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Set Clear Boundaries Identify your limits and communicate them assertively. Remember, boundaries are not about pushing others away but protecting your energy.
Embrace Discomfort Saying no or setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable initially. Lean into this discomfort as a sign of growth.
Reprioritize Yourself Regularly ask, “What do I need right now?” and honor the answer, even if it means disappointing others.
Seek Support Share your journey with trusted friends, a support group, or a therapist. External validation can reinforce your progress.

For Every Giver there is a Taker

A lot of people-pleasers experience a relationship in their childhood where they were asked to give up their needs in pursuit of meeting another person’s needs. This relationship creates an imbalance, leading you to suppress your needs because you believe they are burdensome to others.

In many relationships, especially those involving a people-pleaser, there can be an unhealthy dynamic where one party takes more than they give. Individuals who have unmet attachment needs might rely on others to fulfill them without recognizing the emotional labor or contributions of those they rely on. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where the people-pleaser feels compelled to constantly accommodate the other person’s desires, often at the expense of their own well-being.

This cycle becomes detrimental over time. The people-pleaser may feel overwhelmed and depleted, while the other individual remains unaware or indifferent to the imbalance. The people-pleaser must take a step back and evaluate this dynamic. Having an open and honest conversation about the relationship’s dynamics is vital. They should express their feelings and concerns, emphasizing the need for mutual recognition and support.

A helpful experiment to gauge the relationship’s strength is to begin asserting personal needs more clearly—especially by saying “no” when it’s necessary. Observing the response to this shift can provide insights into how the other person values the relationship. If they react positively and start to accommodate your needs as well, it might indicate a healthy foundation. Conversely, if they respond negatively or attempt to manipulate you back into your previous accommodating role, it can signal that the relationship may not be as balanced or sustainable as desired. Prioritizing one’s own needs is essential in any relationship, as it fosters mutual respect and emotional health for both individuals involved.

Strive for Reciprocal Relationships

One of the most beautiful aspects of relationships is reciprocity, where both partners are acknowledged for their needs. In a reciprocal relationship, each values the other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires, creating a balanced dynamic that fosters understanding and support. This mutual recognition not only strengthens the bond between partners but also enhances their ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Ultimately, reciprocity ensures that both individuals feel seen and appreciated, allowing the relationship to flourish in a nurturing environment.

Setting boundaries is another key aspect. Establishing limits on what one is willing to give can create space for both individuals to communicate their needs more effectively. It also fosters a healthier exchange of support and care.

These sorts of changes take time. Systems, habits, and relational patterns are hard to recorrect. If efforts to address the dynamic in your relationships don’t lead to any improvement, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship’s viability. Ending a relationship is never easy, but if it consistently undermines one’s self-worth and happiness, it might be the best course of action.

Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish; it’s about becoming self-aware and self-compassionate. As you practice prioritizing your needs, you’ll find that your relationships deepen and your sense of self strengthens. Over time, you’ll discover the freedom and joy of living authentically.

Your Worth is Measured by Reciprocity

Your worth is not measured by how much you do for others, it’s measured by your ability to honor yourself while building relationships rooted in mutual respect and reciprocity. Take small, consistent steps toward reclaiming your voice—you deserve it.

Are you feeling burnt out in your relationships, struggling with anger or resentment, or finding it hard to navigate strained connections due to people pleasing? Your needs are worth the time and space in therapy. Reach out now to schedule a call with me and start your journey toward healing.

Couples therapy in Pasadena with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

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Managing emotions

Overcome Medical Anxiety: 5 Tips for a Stress-Free Doctor’s Visit

Written by Addy Sonneland

Medical anxiety can make doctor’s appointments feel overwhelming, triggering dread, racing thoughts, and physical tension. If you’re among the one in three people who avoid medical care due to fear, you’re not alone. This article shares five practical steps to reduce medical anxiety, helping you approach appointments with calm and confidence.

Why Medical Anxiety Feels So Overwhelming

When you have medical anxiety, going to medical appointments can create dread and anticipation. You experience a pit in your stomach, racing thoughts, and muscle tension. The urge to cancel the doctor’s appointment becomes overwhelming. Despite trying to reason away the fear, you find the anxiety amplifies the more you try to overcome it.

It’s not just about the appointment: it’s the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear of what might happen or the potential of experiencing pain. You are exhausted from the constant worry. You are not alone in feeling this way, 1 in 3 people avoid going to the doctor, even when they need care. While the appointments do not go away, your anxiety about going to doctor’s appointments can dissipate.

Panicked, you try to handle it yourself, maybe even self-diagnosing or self-medicating to avoid going to the doctor. You find yourself exhausted from trying to manage your health on your own. The more you try to handle it, the more isolated you feel.

In this article, you will learn 5 tips to decrease medical anxiety and find freedom from worry.

Taking small steps to manage the medical anxiety can create big change.

Let’s talk about some ways to navigate medical anxiety.

5 Steps to Decrease Medical Anxiety

1. Scheduling: set yourself up for success

To set yourself up for success, try scheduling enjoyable and pleasant activities before and after the appointment. This could be a workout, grabbing coffee with a loved one before the appointment, or calling someone you trust on the way to the appointment. After the appointment, maybe you go for a walk, sit down with your favorite book, or listen to music.

2. What could go right?

Set aside 10-15 minutes a day or two before your appointment to visualize the doctor’s office, the waiting room, and your appointment. Most importantly, visualize yourself moving through the appointment with ease, safety, and comfort. Get detailed and specific in your visualization. Imagine what the chairs feel like, the lighting in the office, and the tone of your doctor’s voice.

3. Give the medical anxiety a voice

One way to soothe your anxiety is by using your voice to ask questions or express your worry. To increase your sense of agency, prepare questions to ask your doctor. Additionally, use your voice to share your worry with your doctor. Anxiety gets bigger when we keep it to ourselves. Communicating it with your medical team allows them to respond more compassionately, as they explain procedures and address specific concerns.

4. Trace medical anxiety back to the source

Reflect on when the anxiety started to appear for you? Did you have a bad experience: uncomfortable examination, unfamiliar environment, or negative experience with a doctor? Understanding the beginning of the fear can be a great starting point toward freedom.

5. Build a team you trust

One of the best things you can do is to surround yourself with people who put you at ease and make you feel heard and respected. A caring and compassionate doctor can go a long way toward erasing the fear. Also, inviting a therapist to be on your team can help as you navigate medical anxiety.

FAQ: Managing Medical Anxiety

Answers to common questions about overcoming medical anxiety:

What is medical anxiety?

Medical anxiety is an intense fear of doctor’s visits, often triggered by uncertainty or past negative experiences. It can cause physical symptoms like a racing heart and lead to avoiding necessary care.

How can I reduce medical anxiety before an appointment?

Schedule enjoyable activities around the visit and visualize a positive experience. Sharing your fears with your doctor also helps reduce anxiety’s grip.

Why do I feel worse when I try to ignore my anxiety?

Suppressing anxiety often makes it stronger, as unaddressed fears grow in isolation. Expressing concerns to your medical team or a therapist can shrink its power.

When should I seek therapy for medical anxiety?

If anxiety prevents you from attending appointments or managing health, therapy is beneficial. A therapist can teach coping strategies to help you feel calmer and more in control.

Get help for medical anxiety

You can walk into the doctor’s office with your shoulders relaxed with a sense of calm grounding you. Even if a spark of anxiety begins to surface, it doesn’t overwhelm you– you know that you will be ok.

I help people with anxiety experience freedom from anxious thoughts. We can work together to help you get there. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.

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Managing emotions

Tools for Lasting Change: How to Craft Healthy New Year’s Resolutions

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Change is not easy to achieve. We are patterned humans, and it is more of a journey than a clear-cut path. As a therapist, one of the most rewarding aspects of my work is helping individuals navigate change. The new year offers a natural opportunity to reflect on where we’ve been and where we want to go. Resolutions can be a powerful tool for growth, but they require intentionality and a plan. Here are some insights and strategies to help you establish healthy patterns and make a meaningful New Year’s resolution this year.

Why New Year Resolutions Fail

Before diving into how to make effective resolutions, let’s examine why so many fall short.

Common pitfalls include:

Setting unrealistic goals: Ambitious resolutions like “I’ll lose 50 pounds in three months” often lead to burnout and disappointment.
Lack of clarity: Vague goals like “I want to be healthier” lack the structure necessary for success.
Neglecting habits: Change happens incrementally, yet many focus solely on results without addressing daily behaviors. If you are working through addiction or disordered behavior, more extensive treatment may be necessary.
All-or-nothing mindset: A single misstep can feel like a failure, leading to the abandonment of the goal.

Creating SMART Goals

To make your New Year’s Resolution stick, I recommend keeping your goals S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). SMART goals provide a structured framework for setting and achieving objectives. By ensuring that your goals are SMART, you significantly increase your chances of success.

Specific: Clearly define your goal, leaving no room for ambiguity. Instead of a vague goal like “improve communication,” specify “have one coffee date a week to check in with each other and share our feelings about the previous week.”
Measurable: Quantify your goal to track progress and stay motivated. A measurable goal like “cut down soda drinking to 3 sodas per week” allows you to objectively assess your performance.
Achievable: Set realistic goals that challenge you without being overwhelming. While “increase exercise by going to the gym from 1x per week to 5x per week” might be achievable for some, others may need to start with a smaller increase.
Relevant: Align your goals with your values and long-term objectives. Ask yourself if a particular goal truly matters to you and supports your overall direction. Consider whether your personality aligns better with a structured regimen or a more flexible approach.
Time-bound: Set a deadline to create a sense of urgency and maintain focus. “Set a reminder on your calendar to check in on your goal in 2 months” ensures you regularly evaluate your progress and make necessary adjustments.

Remember that SMART goals are not set in stone. As you progress, you may need to modify your New Year’s Resolution to reflect new circumstances or insights. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your goals is essential for staying on track and achieving your desired outcomes.

By incorporating these SMART principles into your goal-setting process, you can transform your aspirations into concrete achievements. Remember to consider how they fit into your daily life. Sustainable change comes from integrating new behaviors into existing routines.

Examples of Healthy New Year Resolutions

Physical Health: Commit to one new nutritious recipe each week.
Mental Health: Dedicate 10 minutes daily to mindfulness or meditation.
Relationships: Schedule monthly coffee dates with a friend or loved one.
Personal Growth: Read one book per month on a topic that inspires you.

Give Yourself Grace

Change is hard, and perfection isn’t the goal. If you falter, remind yourself that growth is a process. Rather than giving up, reframe setbacks as learning opportunities. Compassion toward yourself fosters resilience.

The Power of Accountability

Sharing your resolutions with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can make a significant difference. Having people, you trust in your corner can provide encouragement and perspective when the motivation for your New Year’s Resolution wanes.

A New New Year’s Resolution

The start of a new year is a chance to begin again, but meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. By focusing on small, intentional steps, you can build patterns that support a healthier, happier version of yourself. This year let’s embrace progress over perfection and celebrate the journey toward becoming our best selves.

If you’re seeking a positive change in your life and want the support of a therapeutic relationship to navigate that journey, reach out today for a free consultation call. Let’s make progress together!

Learn about Therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

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Managing emotions

Start Arguing the Right Way: How to Improve Your Most Frustrating Argument in 5 Minutes

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Your most common couple fight is likely causing you weekly or even daily stress. Arguing with your partner can feel repetitive… and they are. Every couple has a consistent pattern to their arguments. When you can understand your pattern, you’re well on your way to creating a new one. This post will help you understand your pattern – called a “pain cycle”: a way you relate to your partner that is unique to your experience.

What is the pattern behind your arguments?

Humans are very patterned creatures. A lot of the ways you interact with people are due to the thousands of interactions you have had before. As neuropsychiatrist, Dan Siegel says, “Neurons that fire together wire together”. Our brains create well-worn patterns whenever we argue with our partners. Our brain creates patterns when fighting with our partner, recalling feelings we have felt since early childhood. When these feelings trigger us, we tend to react in ways that can be harmful to us and our partners.

The Pain Cycle – understanding your pattern as a couple

The Pain Cycle is a therapeutic technique created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave as part of Restoration Therapy. This approach is based on the belief that the foundation of relationships is rooted in our trustworthiness and identity as human beings. At various points in our lives, our trust or sense of identity may have been harmed by others, affecting how we connect with those around us. As a result, we may react in ways that are not ideal when interacting with our loved ones.

Feelings are central to every argument

Reflect on a recent argument or a painful interaction you had with someone that tends to resurface in your mind. Consider how that experience made you feel, aiming to dig deeper than just the surface emotions. Try to explore deeper than the five core emotions—fear, sadness, anger, happiness, and disgust—and see what feelings might have been underneath the surface. Did you experience any of the following emotions?

Unworthy
Unloved
Unsafe
Alone

These feelings are believed to be at the core of the deep wounds we experienced in childhood. Take a moment to reflect on when you first felt these emotions. As a child, how did these feelings affect your actions?

This reflection leads us to our next section, where we will discuss coping strategies.

Understand your coping in an argument with your partner

Our coping behaviors are direct responses to our core feelings of pain. We can develop effective coping strategies, but we may also resort to reactive coping mechanisms that no longer benefit us. In this exercise, we will focus on the latter as it relates to understanding your pain cycle. Here are some common coping behaviors that people exhibit when they experience painful feelings:

Withdraw: do you tend to leave abruptly or “zone out” when you experience a painful feeling?
Pursue/Blame: Do you blame yourself for blame someone else when you are feeling hurt?
Numb: Do you use or abuse substances, devices, or people to experience a quick burst of positive feelings whenever you are experiencing feelings of pain?
Distract: Do you deflect your feelings elsewhere or try to change the subject so that it is less uncomfortable for you? Do you draw your attention elsewhere when someone says something that hurts you?

How does your partner respond in the argument

How do others respond when you are acting out your coping mechanisms? Many people do not realize that these behaviors are connected to their pain cycle. One thing that is universally true in my work with couples and individuals is that everything you do is relational. Your coping behaviors will affect your partners and friends. How do they typically respond to your coping? If you withdraw, do they simply move on with their lives, or do they try to pursue you to find out what’s wrong? If you blame others, do they hide or shrink away from you, prompting you to chase after them for reassurance?

One step you can take to improve arguments with your partner

Take some time to draw out your own personal pain cycle. Addressing these questions can help you break the cycle of pain you may be experiencing. It’s important to understand that our feelings, coping behaviors, and the responses we receive from others can lead us back to how we initially felt. This repetitive cycle is often why it seems like nothing is going well in your life or relationships.

To interrupt this cycle, you first need to acknowledge its existence. By naming your pain and recognizing the emotions that follow, you can learn to stop the pattern and develop healthier coping strategies. This is just one step in Restoration Therapy. If you’re intrigued and would like to explore this further for yourself or with your partner, call me today to schedule an appointment.

Managing emotions

How to survive family conflict post-election holiday season

Written by Here Counseling

It’s post-election holiday season which means family gatherings have a special glow this year. Possibly the glow of rage and disappointment, or the glow of triumph and excitement. Either way, family members intermingling with contrasting glows can feel like potential for a major clash. Here are some pointers based on psychological theories about how to navigate spending time with family members with differing points of view, without giving up your agency.

Engagement vs Cutting Off

There has been a lot of talk about this year’s holiday season being, if any, the one where it’s OK to disconnect from family who did not vote to your liking. Family Systems Theory states that establishing clear and consistent boundaries are important in any healthy family. However, it also says that a emotionally strong boundary enables a person to maintain engagement in a way that feels safe. But how do we do that when strong emotions are at play so soon after a divisive presidential election? Here are some tips.

It’s okay to not like what loved ones do & say

We all have friends and loved ones that make choices we find questionable. Even people we feel politically aligned with can act in ways that hurt or offend us. You can love someone even if you don’t like their behaviors and choices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the theory that we can separate negative behavior from a person’s core identity and still maintain positive feelings towards them. With this in mind during the post-election holidays, remind yourself that it is not one or two choices that make up a whole person. There are aspects of almost every human we can find something to appreciate, at the very least our common humanity.

Showing up during the holidays means something

Never underestimate the power of being in the room. There are times to talk and there are times to be present, and being present says a lot! The Psychoanalytic Theory of Object Relations posits that it is possible for people to experience conflicting emotions towards a situation without dismissing or denying the experience that does not match their own. If you are having a hard time post-election, show up with your vulnerability. If you are hopeful post-election, show up with your eagerness. Don’t wield you truth, rather hold it with compassion and honesty. If two people in the same family come together with their real sadness and hope, comfort can be found by holding that both experiences are possible without cancelling each other out.

Focus on the long view

While it may feel difficult right now to imagine being comfortable sitting with family members who have differing political points of view, Narrative Therapy asks you to consider taking a broad perspective, or counter-narrative, that emphasizes strength in shared experiences. The discomfort you feel may be more tolerable when you imagine re-writing the story of this year’s holiday dinner as a testament to your strength and resistance to dominant narratives. Remind yourself of your collective history as a family and your ability to create change.

Let’s talk more about preparing emotionally for the holidays. Contact Arianne for a counseling session.

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