Healthy Relationships

Arguments are a normal part of being human. But for many people, conflict doesn’t make them speak up — it makes them go silent. 

Maybe you go completely blank and can’t find any words. Maybe your body feels heavy or numb. Maybe you feel yourself pulling inward, even though you desperately want to stay connected.

If this happens to you, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken.

Shutting down during arguments is often a nervous system response, not a communication problem. It’s your body trying to protect you, especially if conflict has ever felt dangerous in the past. 

With understanding and support, you can learn to stay more present, grounded, and connected, even when conversations get hard.

This article gently walks you through why shutdown happens, how it affects your relationships, and what you can begin doing to shift the pattern. 

And if you need extra support, our therapists in Pasadena, Los Angeles, and across California are here to help.

What It Looks Like When You Shut Down in an Argument

Shutting down can take many forms, and most people don’t realize it’s happening until it’s already taken over. You might notice:

• Your mind suddenly goes blank
  
• You struggle to form sentences or find the “right” words
  
• Your body freezes or feels distant
  
• You withdraw inside yourself
  
• You stop making eye contact or shut down emotionally
  
• You feel numb, foggy, or disconnected
  

Some people call this “stonewalling,” but there’s an important difference.

Stonewalling is a conscious withdrawal — refusing to engage to punish or control a partner.

Shutting down, on the other hand, is involuntary. You’re not choosing to check out. Your body is overwhelmed and trying to keep you safe. 

Many people feel ashamed of this pattern, but shame has no place here. If you shut down, it’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you.

You’re not failing. You’re surviving.

Why Do I Shut Down During Arguments?

Understanding the Freeze Response

To understand shutdown, we have to start with the body.

When conflict happens, your nervous system scans for danger — even if you’re talking with someone you love and trust. Most people know about the “fight or flight” response, but there are actually four survival strategies your nervous system may use: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

The freeze response is one of the most misunderstood. While fight and flight are active, freeze is the moment your body says, “I can’t get away and I can’t fight, so I’ll go still.” This can look like going quiet, feeling stuck, losing your words, or mentally checking out.

It’s not a choice. It’s biology.

Your Nervous System Is Trying to Protect You

When an argument feels threatening — even slightly — your brain can’t always distinguish between emotional danger and physical danger. If your system becomes overwhelmed or “flooded,” it shifts into survival mode.

You might feel:

• Your breath becoming shallow
  
• Pressure in your chest
  
• A floating or numb sensation
  
• A sense of fog or confusion
  
• A strong urge to withdraw or escape

These sensations are the body’s way of managing stress. They’re not signs of weakness. They’re signs that your body has been carrying something heavy for a long time.

Past Experiences Shape Your Reaction Today

Shutdown rarely appears out of nowhere. For many people, it’s rooted in earlier experiences where arguing or expressing emotion felt unsafe.

You might have learned to shut down if:

• You grew up around yelling, criticism, or unpredictable anger
  
• You were taught that conflict is dangerous or disrespectful
  
• You learned that staying quiet kept the peace
  
• You lived in a home where expressing feelings was discouraged
  
• You were punished or ignored when you tried to explain yourself
  
• You’ve been in previous relationships where conflict became harmful

Even if you’re in a healthy, loving relationship now, your body may still respond based on old wiring. The nervous system remembers what the mind forgets.

This is why so many people say, “I don’t know why this happens — I just shut down.”
Your body is doing exactly what it learned to do to survive.

Is It Normal to Shut Down During Arguments?

Yes. Completely.

Shutting down is a very common stress response. Many people experience it when conversations feel too fast, too intense, too emotional, or too threatening to their nervous system. It’s especially common if you’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or attachment wounds.

But common doesn’t mean easy.

Shutdown can make you feel stuck, misunderstood, or disconnected from your partner. Even when you care deeply, it may look like you don’t care at all. It can leave you feeling ashamed afterward, wondering why you couldn’t just “say something.”

Here’s the truth:

• You’re not doing this because you don’t care.
• You’re doing this because your body is overwhelmed.

When you begin to understand that, compassion and healing can finally begin.

How Shutting Down Affects Your Relationships

When you shut down, it impacts both you and your partner in different ways.

What It Feels Like for You

Shutting down can leave you feeling trapped inside yourself. Afterward, you might feel:

• Embarrassed that you couldn’t express yourself
  
• Frustrated that your needs weren’t understood
  
• Guilty for withdrawing
  
• Sad that things didn’t get resolved
  
• Confused about what happened
  
• Tired, drained, or emotionally numb

You might replay the argument in your head later, thinking of everything you “should have said.” This can be painful and isolating.

What It Looks Like to Your Partner

Your partner may misinterpret the shutdown. They might believe:

• You don’t care
  
• You’re avoiding responsibility
  
• You’re punishing them
  
• You’re done with the relationship
  
• You don’t want to fix things

What’s happening inside you and what they’re seeing on the outside can be two completely different worlds.

This mismatch can create cycles where both people feel hurt, even though neither is trying to hurt the other.

When Trauma, Anxiety, or Depression Are Involved

Shutdown can also overlap with:

• Trauma triggers
  
• Anxiety or panic
  
• Emotional flooding
  
• Depression-related numbness
  
• Dissociation
  
• Attachment wounds

If conflict consistently sends your body into overwhelm, it may be a sign that deeper emotional experiences are still alive in your system — and can be gently worked through with a therapist.

How Do I Stop Shutting Down During Arguments?

Here’s the good news: this pattern can change. Not overnight, but with awareness, compassion, and practice, you can build the ability to stay more present during difficult conversations.

Below are gentle tools you can start with.

Notice Your Early Cues

Shutdown usually doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Your body gives small signals before it fully shuts down.

You might notice:

• Tightness in your chest
  
• Heat in your face
  
• Your breath becoming shallow
  
• A feeling of pressure or heaviness
  
• Sudden confusion
  
• Wanting to escape
  
• Feeling like your thoughts are slowing

Catching these early moments helps you intervene before the full shutdown hits.

Use Your Body to Come Back Online

Because shutdown is a nervous system reaction, you often can’t “think your way” out of it. Your body needs help first.

Small grounding practices can help:

• Feel your feet against the floor
  
• Put one hand on your chest and one on your stomach
  
• Take slower, longer exhales
  
• Look around the room and name a few things you see
  
• Sit back against a chair and feel the support

These practices send signals of safety to your nervous system.

Ask for a Pause Without Disappearing

Taking a break isn’t avoidance — it’s regulation.

A simple script you can use:

“I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I care about this, and I want to come back to it. I just need a few minutes to settle.”

The key is to name when you’ll return to the conversation. That helps your partner feel secure and not abandoned.

Practice Repair After You Shut Down

Repair is one of the most healing skills for couples.

After things settle, come back and share — gently — what was happening inside you.

You might say:

• “I wanted to talk, but I felt stuck.”
  
• “I wasn’t ignoring you. I was overwhelmed.”
  
• “I need time to regulate before I can stay connected during conflict.”

Repair builds understanding and trust over time.

When Is It Helpful to Seek Therapy?

You don’t have to wait until things feel unmanageable. Therapy can help if:

• You shut down during most conflicts
  
• You feel terrified of anger or raised voices
  
• You avoid conversations because you fear becoming overwhelmed
  
• Shutdown leads to repeated misunderstandings
  
• You grew up in a home where conflict wasn’t safe
  
• You sense trauma may be beneath the pattern
  
• Your partner feels hurt or confused by your withdrawal

You deserve relationships where you can stay present, speak your truth, and feel safe.

How Therapy Helps You Stay Present in Conflict

At Here Counseling, we work with many clients who experience shutdown as a trauma or stress response. Our therapists in Pasadena and Los Angeles use evidence-based approaches that help shift this pattern from the inside out.

Trauma Therapy & EMDR

Trauma therapy and EMDR helps process earlier experiences that taught your body to freeze.

Somatic Therapy

Somatic therapy helps you build capacity in your nervous system so you can tolerate discomfort without shutting down.

Attachment-Focused Therapy

Helps you feel safer being vulnerable, expressive, and emotionally connected.

Couples Counseling

Couple counseling helps both partners understand what’s happening, reduce blame, and create new ways to communicate.

Healing is possible. And you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Working With a Therapist in Pasadena or Los Angeles

If shutting down during conflict has become a familiar pattern, therapy can help you understand where it comes from and give you tools to stay more connected in the moments that matter most.

At Here Counseling, you’ll get support finding the right therapist quickly, without waitlists. Our Care Coordinator will listen to what you’re experiencing and match you with someone who understands how to work with shutdown, nervous system overwhelm, trauma, conflict patterns, and communication issues. Our AI Therapist Matcher can also help you find the right fit.

We offer:

• In-person therapy in Pasadena and Downtown Los Angeles
  
• Online therapy for anyone in California
  
• Warm, trauma-informed therapists trained in EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic care
  
• A safe, supportive space to find clarity, relief, and confidence

If you’re ready to understand yourself more deeply — and feel more grounded during conflicts — we’re here to help.

Schedule a call with our Care Coordinator to find the right therapist for you.

FAQs
Is shutting down the same as stonewalling?

No. Stonewalling is a conscious choice to disengage or punish a partner. Shutting down is involuntary — a nervous system freeze response that happens when you feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

Is shutting down always caused by trauma?

Not always, but trauma, attachment wounds, and past experiences with unsafe conflict often play a big role. Even if you’re not aware of trauma, your body may be responding to old patterns.

How can I explain my shutdown to my partner?

Try sharing it gently outside of conflict. For example: “When I shut down, I’m not trying to avoid you. I get overwhelmed and I freeze. I’m working on understanding it.”

Can I fix this on my own?

You can make progress with awareness, grounding tools, and communication skills. But if shutdown feels automatic or deeply rooted, therapy can offer deeper healing and support.

How can therapy at Here Counseling help?

Our therapists specialize in trauma therapy, EMDR, somatic work, and relationship healing. We help you understand the root of your shutdown and build the capacity to stay present, connected, and grounded during hard conversations.

It’s normal to wonder if therapy might help you. Most people don’t wake up one morning knowing with certainty that it’s time to talk to a therapist. Instead, it usually starts as a quiet feeling. Something doesn’t feel right. Life feels heavier than it should. You’re trying your best, but things aren’t shifting.

If you’re asking yourself, “Do I need therapy?”, that question alone already matters. It’s a sign that some part of you is tired of carrying everything alone and is reaching for support.

You don’t have to wait for a crisis to get help. At Here Counseling in Pasadena and Los Angeles, therapy is not only for emergencies — it’s for anyone who wants relief, clarity, healing, or a deeper understanding of themselves.

This article will help you gently understand the emotional, physical, and relational signs that therapy may be helpful, while reminding you that caring for your mental health is a form of strength, not failure.

Why Asking “Do I Need Therapy?” Is Already an Important Sign

Most people don’t seek therapy because their life has fallen apart. They seek therapy because something inside feels stuck, overwhelmed, or out of balance.

You might function well on the outside — going to work, taking care of responsibilities — but internally feel tired, numb, worried, or disconnected from yourself. You might feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough,” or that your emotions are bigger than they should be. You may notice you’re having a harder time recovering from everyday stress.

Therapy becomes helpful long before things reach a breaking point.
If you’re noticing shifts in your emotional or mental well-being, therapy can be a safe place to explore what’s happening and find relief before the weight becomes too heavy.

Emotional Signs You May Benefit From Therapy

The first signs that something is off are often emotional. They show up quietly, in ways we may ignore at first.
You might feel persistently sad, anxious, or unsettled without knowing why. The heaviness might come and go, but it stays long enough to affect your days. You may find yourself snapping at small things or crying more easily than usual. Or maybe it’s the opposite — feeling numb, disconnected, or unable to feel much at all.
Some people describe it as:
“I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
Or, “I’m overwhelmed by things I used to handle.”
You might notice cycles of self-criticism, worry, or guilt that repeat themselves. Maybe you replay conversations in your head, feel tense for no clear reason, or carry a sense of dread you can’t shake.
None of these feelings means something is “wrong” with you. They mean you’re carrying something that deserves attention.
Therapy can help you understand these emotions, work through their roots, and feel more grounded and connected again.

Behavioral and Physical Signs Your Mind Is Asking for Support

Emotional struggles often show up in our bodies and behaviors.
Changes in sleep — difficulty falling asleep, waking throughout the night, or sleeping much more than usual — are very common signs of emotional stress. Your appetite may shift too: eating more to soothe emotions or losing interest in food entirely.
You might feel constantly tired, wired, or on edge. It may be hard to relax. You might notice that you’re more irritable, overwhelmed, or quick to shut down. Concentration becomes harder. Tasks that used to feel simple now feel like climbing a mountain.

Some people find themselves avoiding responsibilities or turning to distractions — scrolling, substances, overworking — just to escape their own thoughts.

Your body often knows something’s off before your mind does. Therapy can help you understand these signals and respond with compassion rather than judgment.

Relationship Signs That Therapy Could Help

Our emotional health often shows itself in our relationships.

Maybe you’re arguing with your partner more frequently or withdrawing from conversations altogether. Small disagreements feel explosive. You feel misunderstood or disconnected. You might find yourself getting defensive, shutting down, or pushing people away even when you don’t want to.

Sometimes relationships start to feel draining because you’re already emotionally depleted.
You might avoid social situations or feel lonely even when you’re around people. You may question your value in friendships or doubt whether people truly care.

Patterns that show up in relationships — repeating the same conflicts, choosing the same type of partner, or feeling insecure — are often rooted in deeper emotional experiences that therapy can help uncover.
When you heal, your relationships can too.

Life Transitions That Make Therapy Especially Helpful

Big life changes — even positive ones — can shake our sense of stability.
Changing jobs, moving cities, ending relationships, becoming a parent, or experiencing loss can all make emotions feel unmanageable. Even uncertainty about the future can feel heavy.

Living in a fast-paced area like Pasadena or Los Angeles can make life transitions feel even more overwhelming. Expectations around success, identity, and stability can put pressure on your mental well-being.
If life feels like “too much” or you’re unsure how to move forward, therapy can be the grounding space you need.

Signs of Anxiety That Suggest It’s Time to Reach Out

Anxiety doesn’t always look like panic attacks. Sometimes it’s quieter.

That’s why we offer two unique supports:

You may notice constant worry, racing thoughts, or tension in your body. You may feel restless or have a hard time staying present. Your mind jumps to the worst-case scenario. You might avoid situations that trigger fear — driving, socializing, public speaking, or even answering messages.

When anxiety starts affecting your daily life, work, or relationships, therapy can help you find relief.

At Here Counseling, our therapists use EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic tools to help you understand both the emotional and physical layers of anxiety so that your body and mind can finally slow down.

Signs of Depression That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

Depression is more than sadness. It’s a shift in how you experience life.

You may lose interest in things you used to enjoy. Your energy feels drained. It feels harder to get out of bed, harder to care, harder to focus. You isolate more or feel disconnected from your own emotions.
You might feel hopeless or wonder if things will ever change.

When Trauma Shows Up in Present-Day Life

Trauma doesn’t disappear simply because it happened years ago.
It lives in the body and often resurfaces when life becomes stressful.

You might experience flashbacks, nightmares, or emotional triggers. You may feel unsafe even in safe situations. Your nervous system may stay on high alert — jumpy, anxious, or disconnected. You may have trouble trusting people or feel like something bad is always about to happen.
Trauma therapy can help you process trauma gently and safely.

Our therapists specialize in EMDR and somatic therapy, approaches that help your body release stored fear so you can feel grounded again.
You don’t have to relive the past to heal from it.

When It’s Not a Crisis But Something Still Doesn’t Feel Right

A lot of people feel unsure because their life “looks fine.”
But on the inside, they feel stuck, numb, or unfulfilled.

• Maybe you’re functioning well but not thriving.
• Maybe you’re tired of repeating the same patterns.
• Maybe you want deeper relationships, more confidence, or a better understanding of yourself.

Therapy is not only about treating symptoms. It’s about helping you grow, feel connected, and build a life that feels meaningful.
Seeking support is a sign that you’re ready for something better.

What Happens When You Ignore These Signs?

When we push past our emotional limits for too long, stress doesn’t disappear — it simply builds.

You may start to feel more overwhelmed, more exhausted, or more reactive. The body eventually signals what the mind tries to ignore. Relationships become strained. Small problems start to feel huge. You start to lose a sense of who you are.

Catching these signs early can prevent months or years of unnecessary suffering.

Reaching out for support is an act of care toward your future self.
How Therapy Helps You Heal, Grow, and Feel Like Yourself Again
Therapy offers more than advice or coping skills.
It offers a relationship — a safe, steady, trusting place to be fully seen.

At Here Counseling, our therapists help you:

• Understand the patterns shaping your life
• Heal emotional wounds and traumas
  
• Process stress, grief, and overwhelm
• Build healthier relationships
• Learn tools for anxiety and depression
• Feel more grounded in yourself
• Navigate life transitions
• Reconnect with your strengths and values

With EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic approaches, you can heal not only your thoughts, but the emotional and physical responses that have been living inside you for years.
Finding the Right Therapist Matters — And We Make It Easier

Research shows that the most important factor in whether therapy works is the connection between you and your therapist.

That’s why we offer two unique supports:

Our Care Coordinator listens to your needs and helps you choose the best fit.

Our AI Therapist Matcher is a tool designed to help you find the right therapist quickly and confidently.

• We also don’t use waitlists. 
• Most clients see a therapist within a week.

When you find the right match, healing can happen at a deeper, more meaningful level.

When Is It Time to Reach Out?

If you feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or not like yourself, that’s enough.

If symptoms last more than a few weeks or interfere with your relationships, work, or sleep, it’s a sign that counseling can help.

• You don’t need to hit rock bottom to deserve support.
• You don’t need to justify your pain.
• You don’t need to figure everything out alone.

Therapy is a place to breathe, soften, and start again — with someone beside you.

Begin Healing With a Therapist in Pasadena or Los Angeles

If you’re reading this, you’re already taking an important step.
We would be honored to help you take the next one.

Whether you’re experiencing anxiety, trauma, depression, relationship stress, or a general feeling of being overwhelmed or stuck, our team at Here Counseling is here to support you with compassion and clinical expertise.

Friendships are one of the most meaningful parts of being human. They give us places to soften, to be seen, to grow, and to feel accompanied through life. And yet for many people—especially adults living in busy cities like Los Angeles—friendships can feel surprisingly complicated. You may want connection but struggle to find it. 

You may long for deeper relationships but feel unsure of how to build them. You may carry past hurt that makes closeness feel risky, even while you crave it.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many people come to therapy because their relationships feel confusing, painful, or simply less fulfilling than they hoped. 

Healthy friendships aren’t about having a large social circle; they’re about having a few people who feel safe, reciprocal, and emotionally nourishing. 

The good news is that these kinds of friendships can be cultivated at any age, and the skills needed to build them are learnable.

At Here Counseling, we help people navigate the emotional layers of friendship—from healing old wounds to learning how to communicate, set boundaries, and show up authentically. 

Below, we explore what healthy friendships look like, why building them can feel so hard, and how you can begin creating connections that truly support your wellbeing.

Why Friendships Matter So Much More Than We Often Realize

We don’t always talk about the impact friendships have on our mental health, but the connection is powerful. Supportive friendships help regulate the nervous system, lower stress, and increase feelings of safety. 

They can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, improve emotional resilience, and even support physical health outcomes like better sleep, reduced inflammation, and longer life expectancy.

While romantic relationships and family ties often get more attention, friendships carry their own unique emotional significance. They’re relationships we choose, relationships built on genuine connection rather than obligation. Having even one or two friendships where you feel fully accepted can transform how grounded, confident, and supported you feel day to day.

But wanting connection doesn’t make it easy to find. For many adults in Los Angeles—where careers, commutes, and social pressure can make life feel crowded yet lonely—building healthy friendships can feel overwhelming. It can be difficult to know where to begin, what to look for, or how to open up without fear of misunderstanding or rejection.

If that’s where you are today, it’s okay. There are understandable reasons friendships may feel challenging, and there are gentle, effective ways to begin building the kinds of relationships your heart actually needs.

What a Healthy Friendship Truly Looks Like

Healthy friendships have a felt sense to them. They feel open, grounding, safe, and balanced. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to earn your place. There is room for you—your joy, your vulnerability, your mistakes, your needs.

Healthy friendships often include a few core elements:

Emotional safety. You feel accepted rather than judged, and you trust that your feelings matter. There is kindness and stability, even through conflict.

Mutuality and reciprocity. You both show up for each other. One person isn’t carrying all the emotional load or always adjusting themselves to maintain harmony.

Respect for boundaries. Each of you has space to have needs, limits, and a life outside the friendship. Connection doesn’t require over-giving or constant availability.

Consistency. Healthy friendships don’t have to be intense. They grow through small, steady moments that stack over time—check-ins, shared activities, mutual celebration, honest conversations.

Emotional range. You can laugh together, share meaningful experiences, navigate discomfort, repair misunderstandings, and support each other through hard seasons.

Unhealthy or draining friendships often have the opposite qualities. They might feel one-sided, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe. You might constantly walk on eggshells or leave interactions feeling tense, guilty, or small. These patterns don’t mean you failed; they often reflect older relational wounds and coping strategies you learned when connection didn’t feel safe.

Understanding this is the first step toward creating the kinds of friendships that actually support your wellbeing.

Why Building Friendships as an Adult Can Feel So Hard

Many adults assume friendship should be natural, effortless, or automatic. But the truth is, building healthy friendships is a complex emotional skill set—one most of us were never taught.

Several factors can make friendship feel harder than expected:

Past Hurt or Relational Trauma

If you’ve experienced betrayal, bullying, exclusion, or friendships that ended abruptly, your nervous system may still brace against closeness. Even positive relationships can trigger fear of being hurt again.

Attachment Wounds

Early experiences shape how comfortable we feel with intimacy. If caregivers were dismissive, unpredictable, or overly enmeshed, friendships in adulthood can bring up similar anxieties—fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, or fear of not being enough.

Social Anxiety, Shame, or Self-Doubt

Many people worry they’ll be judged, misunderstood, or rejected. This can make initiating or deepening friendships feel terrifying, even when you want connection. You might second-guess yourself or withdraw to feel safe.

People-Pleasing and Boundary Difficulties

If you learned to stay connected by over-giving, smoothing conflict, or minimizing your needs, friendships can become emotionally draining. Without boundaries, resentment grows instead of closeness.

Life Transitions

Adulthood brings moves, career shifts, breakups, new babies, remote work, and changing social schedules. It’s common to outgrow friendships or lose built-in sources of connection.

None of this means you’re incapable of friendship. It simply means you’re human—and you deserve relationships that feel safe, mutual, and kind.

Practical Ways to Build Healthy Friendships as an Adult

Healthy friendships aren’t created through intensity or pressure—they grow slowly through small, intentional steps. Here are some gentle ways to begin:

Clarify What You Want

Some people thrive with a wide community; others prefer one or two emotionally close friends. Understanding what connection means to you helps guide your energy.

Put Yourself Where Connection Can Happen

Friendships often grow from shared context. You might explore interest-based spaces such as fitness groups, creative workshops, volunteer teams, community classes, spiritual communities, or neighborhood gatherings. In Los Angeles, where neighborhoods have their own cultures, new opportunities often emerge through local events or shared creative interests.

Let Conversations Unfold Naturally

Connection doesn’t require being impressive. Ask simple, curious questions. Share small pieces of yourself. Compliment something genuine. The goal isn’t to perform—it’s to relate.

Follow Up Gently

If you meet someone you enjoy, send a quick message saying you liked talking with them. Suggest coffee or invite them to something low-pressure. Many friendships deepen because someone made a small gesture of warmth.

Build Trust Through Consistency

You don’t need dramatic vulnerability. You simply need regular, meaningful touch points—checking in after a hard day, sharing something funny, remembering something they told you last time.

Allow Imperfection

You will feel awkward sometimes. You may say something you regret, or feel unsure of what the other person thinks. That’s normal. Friendship is built through real moments, not flawless ones.

These steps can feel intimidating, especially if you carry anxiety or past relational wounds—but they become easier with support and practice.

Nurturing, Repairing, and Rebalancing Friendships Over Time

Healthy friendships are not static. They change as people change. As life shifts—jobs, relationships, health, capacity—friendships require flexibility, communication, and care.

Checking in, reaching out during busy periods, and integrating friendship into daily life (like walking together, sharing meals, or running errands side by side) helps keep connection alive.

And when conflict or distance arises, friendships can often be repaired through honest conversations, accountability, and mutual willingness to understand each other. Repair doesn’t mean ignoring pain—it means approaching it with respect and compassion.

Not every friendship will be close or lifelong. Some friendships become seasonal or more peripheral, and that’s completely okay. What matters is that your friendships feel emotionally aligned and supportive of your wellbeing.

When a Friendship Begins to Hurt

Sometimes, despite your efforts, a friendship becomes draining, disrespectful, or emotionally unsafe. It may leave you feeling depleted, anxious, diminished, or consistently hurt.

Recognizing this is not a failure—it’s an act of clarity. You deserve relationships that nourish you.

Therapy can help you understand whether a friendship can be repaired or whether it’s time to create distance or end the relationship with care. Grieving a friendship can be painful, but sometimes it opens space for healthier, more aligned connections.

How Therapy Can Support You in Building Healthy Friendships

Friendship isn’t just social—it’s deeply emotional and often tied to early experiences. Because of this, therapy can be a transformative space for healing and learning new ways of relating.

At Here Counseling, we help you understand the relational patterns you’ve carried into adulthood. You might explore:

• Why you’re drawn to certain kinds of friendships
  
• Why you feel anxious, disconnected, or overly responsible around others
  
• How past trauma, childhood experiences, or attachment wounds shape your relationships
  
• How to set boundaries without guilt or fear
  
• How to communicate authentically
  
• How to allow yourself to be seen and supported

Our therapists use approaches like EMDR, Somatic Therapy, and relational psychodynamic therapy to help you heal the deeper emotional layers that affect your friendships. 

We also support you in practicing new patterns—assertiveness, vulnerability, boundary-setting, emotional safety—in a therapeutic relationship first, so it feels easier to bring into your friendships later.

If loneliness, disconnection, or friendship struggles feel heavy, therapy can give you a safe place to begin shifting these patterns toward the connection you desire.

A Gentle Closing: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If building or maintaining friendships feels overwhelming, complicated, or painful, there is nothing wrong with you. Many adults quietly struggle with connection. You deserve relationships where you feel respected, understood, and genuinely valued.

You don’t have to keep navigating this alone.

Here Counseling offers in-person therapy in Los Angeles and online therapy throughout California, and we can match you with a therapist who understands the emotional complexity of friendships, attachment, connection, and loneliness.

If you’re ready to begin building healthier, more fulfilling friendships—from the inside out—we’re here to support you.

Schedule a call with our Care Coordinator today, and we’ll match you with a therapist within a week. Connection is possible. Healing is possible. You deserve friendships that feel like home.

FAQs

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Adulthood reduces built-in social structures and adds stress, mobility, and busyness. Past hurts, social anxiety, or attachment patterns can also make connection feel risky.

What does a healthy friendship look like?

It feels emotionally safe, mutual, respectful, and consistent. You can be yourself without fear, and both people show care and effort.

How many friends do I need to feel fulfilled?

Quality matters more than quantity. Research shows that even one or two emotionally close friends can significantly improve wellbeing.

What if I’m introverted or socially anxious?

You can absolutely build friendships at your own pace. Therapy can help you develop confidence, communication skills, and tools for managing anxiety.

Is it okay to end a friendship that’s hurting me?

Yes. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling drained, unsafe, or unseen, it may be healthier to step back. Therapy can help you navigate this process.

Can therapy help me build healthier friendships?

Yes. Therapy provides emotional insight, healing from past wounds, and practical relational skills that make healthy connection easier and safer.

How to Reframe Thoughts, Calm Your Body, and Build Hope

You’ve probably heard the advice “Just think positive.” Maybe you’ve even tried — repeating affirmations, making gratitude lists, trying to silence your negative thoughts — only to feel frustrated when the anxiety or sadness doesn’t disappear.

The truth is, real positive thinking isn’t about forcing happiness. It’s about learning to respond to your thoughts with balance, curiosity, and self-compassion. It’s about shifting your mindset from automatic negativity to flexible, realistic thinking — the kind that helps your mind and body feel safe again.

At Here Counseling in Los Angeles, we often remind our clients: a positive mindset grows from understanding your emotions, not avoiding them. In this post, we’ll explore practical, therapist-approved techniques you can start using today to gently shift your thinking patterns and reconnect with optimism — without pretending everything is okay.

What “Positive Thinking” Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)

Positive thinking is often misunderstood as ignoring problems or pushing away pain. But in therapy, it means something different:

• Accurate thinking, not blind optimism. You learn to see the full picture instead of filtering for only the negative.
  
• Balanced thinking, where you hold both the challenge and your ability to handle it.
  
• Hopeful action, choosing behaviors that move you closer to what matters, even when you don’t feel “positive.”

It’s not about being cheerful all the time. It’s about developing the flexibility to navigate life’s difficulties without being consumed by them.

Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Somatic Therapy, and Mindfulness-based approaches all teach this skill: noticing your thoughts, evaluating them, and learning to respond with awareness rather than judgment.

Technique #1: Cognitive Restructuring — Training the Brain to See Clearly

In CBT, we teach clients how to identify and challenge cognitive distortions — the automatic, often exaggerated ways our minds interpret the world. Common examples include:

• All-or-nothing thinking: “If I make one mistake, I’ve failed completely.”
  
• Mind-reading: “They didn’t reply — they must be upset with me.”
  
• Catastrophizing: “If this goes wrong, it’ll ruin everything.”

Try this simple exercise:

1. Catch the thought. Write it down as it appears (“I always mess things up”).
   
2. Label the distortion. Which thinking trap does it fit? (e.g., overgeneralizing).
   
3. Question it. Ask yourself: What’s the evidence for and against this? What would I say to a friend who felt this way?
   
4. Reframe it. Replace it with a balanced version: “I made a mistake, but I’m learning and can try again.”

This process isn’t about fake positivity — it’s about retraining your brain to respond realistically, rather than reactively. Over time, these micro-corrections build emotional resilience and self-trust.

Technique #2: Behavioral Activation — Feel Better by Doing

Sometimes our mood doesn’t change because we’re waiting to feel motivated before acting. But motivation often follows action.

Behavioral activation helps you take small, meaningful steps even when you don’t feel like it. These actions remind your nervous system that life is still worth engaging in.

Start by identifying what used to bring you a sense of purpose, connection, or calm — even simple things like:

• Taking a short walk after lunch.
  
• Texting a supportive friend.
  
• Making your bed or watering plants.
  
• Listening to a favorite song.

Choose one small action each day that aligns with your values, not your current mood. Doing so sends a powerful signal: I can influence how I feel by how I show up.

Technique #3: Somatic Grounding — Calming the Body First

When the body feels unsafe, the mind struggles to think positively. If you’ve experienced trauma or chronic stress, your nervous system may default to fight-or-flight, even during normal situations.

Somatic (body-based) techniques help regulate those automatic reactions, creating space for clearer thinking. Try:

• Grounding through the senses: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
  
• Paced breathing: Inhale through your nose for 4, exhale through your mouth for 6. Repeat for one minute.
  
• Gentle movement: Roll your shoulders, stretch, or place a hand over your heart and notice your breath.

Once your body settles, your brain can access more balanced perspectives — it’s physiology, not willpower.

Technique #4: Gratitude and Self-Compassion — Building Emotional Safety

Gratitude is often reduced to lists, but when practiced intentionally it changes what your mind pays attention to. Instead of scanning for danger, you begin to notice support, growth, and possibility.

Try this nightly reflection:

• “Today, I’m grateful for…” (three small things).
  
• “Something I did well today…” (reinforce progress, not perfection).

Pair it with self-compassion, the practice of treating yourself the way you would treat someone you love. When you catch harsh self-talk, pause and say:

“This is a moment of struggle. I’m not alone in feeling this way. May I be kind to myself right now.”

Research shows that self-compassion, more than self-esteem, predicts long-term resilience. It creates safety inside your own mind.

Technique #5: Visualization (the Realistic Kind)

Visualization isn’t about pretending everything is perfect — it’s about mentally rehearsing how you want to respond.

Athletes and performers use process visualization: picturing the steps that lead to success, not just the outcome.

For example:

• Imagine calmly breathing before a presentation, making eye contact, and finishing with a steady voice.
  
• Picture yourself walking into a social event, greeting one person warmly, and noticing the sense of relief afterward.

This form of visualization trains the brain for familiarity, reducing fear. If you struggle with imagery, try scripting or journaling instead — writing out how you’d like an event to unfold.

A Daily 10-Minute Mindset Reset

If you want a simple way to integrate these tools, start with a 10-minute daily routine:

1. Two minutes: Notice your current thought or story. (“I can’t handle this.”)
   
2. Three minutes: Challenge or reframe it using the CBT steps above. (“I’ve handled hard things before.”)
   
3. Two minutes: Regulate your body — slow breathing or grounding.
   
4. Two minutes: Express gratitude or kindness toward yourself.
   
5. One minute: Plan one small, values-aligned action for the day.

Tiny, consistent efforts matter more than dramatic ones. Over time, these habits rewire your brain’s default pathways toward balance and hope.

Common Pitfalls (and How to Avoid Them)

1. Forcing positivity when your body isn’t ready.
If you’re dysregulated, focus on calming your nervous system first. You can’t reason with a brain in survival mode.

2. Using affirmations that feel unbelievable.
If “I love myself completely” feels false, try a bridge statement: “I’m learning to treat myself with more kindness.”

3. Expecting perfection.
Mindset work is practice, not mastery. Some days you’ll catch distortions easily; others, you’ll slip into old patterns — and that’s okay.

4. Comparing your progress to others.
Your nervous system has its own pace. Healing and optimism are not competitions.

When to Go Deeper

Sometimes mindset tools aren’t enough on their own. If you’re dealing with persistent anxiety, depression, or trauma, the goal isn’t just to “think differently” — it’s to help your whole system feel safe again.

You may benefit from working with a trauma-informed therapist if you:

• Feel chronically anxious or on edge.
  
• Experience flashbacks, panic, or emotional numbness.
  
• Find that self-help tools don’t last or make you feel worse.

At Here Counseling, we specialize in evidence-based approaches that help you heal at both the mental and physical level, including:

• CBT for structured thought and behavior change.
• Somatic Therapy for body-based regulation.
• EMDR Therapy for trauma and deeply rooted fears.

These therapies don’t replace positive thinking — they make it possible.

How Here Counseling Can Help You Shift Your Mindset

If you’ve been trying to think positive but still feel stuck, you don’t have to do it alone. At Here Counseling, we help clients uncover what’s underneath negative thinking and create space for compassion, clarity, and growth.

• Our Care Coordinator and AI Therapist Matcher will connect you with the right therapist within a week.
  
• Every therapist on our team receives weekly supervision from a licensed clinical psychologist to ensure quality and care.
  
• We offer both in-person therapy in Los Angeles and online sessions across California for convenience and accessibility.

Real mindset shifts happen when you feel safe enough to explore what’s holding you back — and supported enough to try something new.

FAQs

Do positive affirmations actually work?

They can, if they feel believable. Pair them with action and self-compassion rather than repeating phrases you don’t yet trust.

What’s the fastest way to stop negative thoughts?

Name the thought, breathe, and ask: Is this 100 percent true? Even slowing down the spiral by one step is progress.

Is positive thinking the same as ignoring problems?

No — positive thinking means facing reality with clarity and choice. You still acknowledge pain; you just don’t let it define your identity.

Can these techniques help with anxiety or depression?

Yes. CBT and mindfulness are proven to reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms. If you’re struggling deeply, therapy adds structure and accountability.

What if visualization or gratitude feels forced?

Start small. Focus on one neutral thing you appreciate — your breath, a cup of coffee, a song. Authentic gratitude grows with practice.

Building Connection Across the Miles

Being in a long-distance relationship can feel like living in two different worlds—one full of connection, love, and shared plans, and another defined by screens, silence, and waiting. You might spend hours talking or texting, yet still feel far away. You might worry that distance is slowly eroding the spark you once had, or that misunderstandings are becoming harder to repair.

You’re not alone. Long-distance couples across California and beyond face unique emotional challenges that test communication, patience, and trust. The good news? You don’t have to navigate them on your own.

Couples therapy for long-distance relationships offers a safe, structured space where both partners can reconnect, communicate honestly, and strengthen emotional security—no matter how many miles apart you are.

Here Counseling helps couples bridge that distance through online, trauma-informed, and attachment-focused therapy. Our approach combines evidence-based relationship work with empathy, so love feels reachable again—even through a screen.

Why Long-Distance Feels So Hard (Even When You Love Each Other)

Distance magnifies everything. The smallest misunderstanding—an unanswered text, a curt reply—can feel overwhelming when you don’t have physical reassurance or the small rituals of everyday closeness.

Couples in long-distance relationships often describe an emotional “push and pull.” One partner might crave more connection while the other needs space to manage stress or time zones. These patterns can trigger anxiety, withdrawal, or resentment, even in relationships built on love and commitment.

Some common struggles include:

• Miscommunication through text or social media.
• Feeling excluded from your partner’s daily life.
• Uncertainty about the relationship’s future.
• Difficulty resolving conflict without in-person comfort.
• The emotional crash that comes after each visit.

None of this means your relationship is failing. It means you’re human—and that distance has created a pattern you both deserve help untangling.

How Couples Therapy Supports Long-Distance Partners

Couples therapy provides a space to slow down and really listen—to understand not just what’s being said, but what each partner feels underneath. For long-distance couples, therapy becomes a bridge between worlds: a weekly place where you can show up together, practice connection, and learn tools that make love sustainable across the miles.

Therapy helps you:

• Build a shared communication rhythm that balances independence and connection.
  
• Strengthen emotional security when physical reassurance isn’t available.
  
• Heal attachment fears triggered by separation or conflict.
  
• Clarify shared goals—so you both know where you’re headed.
  
• Resolve recurring arguments with guidance instead of blame.
  

A skilled couples therapist doesn’t take sides. They help both partners feel understood while exploring patterns that keep you disconnected. Over time, therapy transforms conversations that once felt tense or confusing into moments of empathy and trust.

How Online Couples Therapy Works for Long-Distance Relationships

Modern technology allows couples therapy to happen almost anywhere. Online sessions make it possible for both partners to meet with the same therapist even if you’re living in different cities—or even different states, when at least one partner resides in California.

Sessions are conducted through secure video platforms, making it easy to attend from the privacy of your own home. Your therapist helps you structure conversations, practice communication skills, and stay emotionally present, even when the distance feels heavy.

Many long-distance couples find online therapy surprisingly intimate. With intentional structure and guidance, video sessions become the “meeting place” that grounds your connection week after week. Research also supports that online couples therapy can be just as effective as in-person work, especially when guided by experienced, attachment-informed therapists.

Here Counseling’s Approach: Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed, and Human

Every couple carries a unique story. Some partners grew up with reliable love and can easily repair after a conflict. Others carry wounds—past betrayals, early abandonment, cultural or family pressures—that make closeness more complex.

Here Counseling helps couples understand and repair these deeper patterns through attachment-focused and trauma-informed therapy.

We focus on the emotional bond between you and your partner, not just surface-level communication. You’ll learn how to identify the fears underneath conflict—like “Will you still choose me if I’m far away?” or “Do I matter when we’re apart?”—and practice expressing those needs without blame or defensiveness.

For some couples, trauma responses show up during distance: anxiety, hypervigilance, or shutdown. Our therapists draw from Somatic Therapy and EMDR techniques when appropriate to help partners regulate their nervous systems and feel safe with each other again.

This isn’t about assigning fault; it’s about understanding what your body and emotions are trying to protect—and finding new ways to feel close, even across states or countries.

When Couples Therapy Can Help Long-Distance Partners Most

You don’t need to be in crisis to seek support. Many long-distance couples begin therapy as a way to strengthen their bond before challenges escalate.

Therapy can help when:

• Communication keeps breaking down despite your best efforts.
  
• One partner feels anxious or clingy while the other feels overwhelmed or distant.
  
• Trust has been shaken by secrecy, infidelity, or “micro-cheating.”
  
• You’re navigating a big life decision—like moving, job changes, or merging futures.
  
• You’ve just started long-distance and want guidance before problems arise.

If you recognize yourself in any of these moments, therapy is not a sign of weakness; it’s a commitment to the relationship’s growth.

What Couples Therapy Sessions Look Like

The first few sessions focus on understanding your story—how you met, what drew you together, and where things feel off track. You and your therapist will set goals together, whether that’s improving communication, rebuilding trust, or learning to manage separation more peacefully.

A typical process might include:

1. Mapping your relationship dynamic.
Your therapist helps identify recurring patterns—who tends to pursue, who withdraws, and what each person truly needs when conflict arises.

2. Creating shared goals.
Together, you’ll outline what you both want to improve—like reducing anxiety between calls, creating shared rituals, or planning next steps in your relationship.

3. Learning new communication tools.
You’ll practice using calm, clear language that helps you feel heard and respected. The goal is not to win arguments but to build understanding.

4. Regulating emotions and nervous systems.
Through somatic grounding or breath work, you’ll learn to calm intense emotions so conversations stay productive.

5. Rebuilding intimacy and connection.
Even from afar, you’ll develop rituals—like video date nights or short check-ins—that make love feel alive in daily life.

These skills extend beyond therapy sessions, helping you sustain closeness long after the call ends.

Practical Tools Long-Distance Couples Learn

Therapy isn’t just about insight—it’s about learning how to connect differently. Couples often leave sessions with tools such as:

• A shared communication rhythm. Learning when and how to talk so both partners feel seen and not overwhelmed.
• Repair rituals. Techniques to reconnect quickly after arguments when physical reassurance isn’t possible.
• Clarity and boundaries. Setting realistic expectations around time, social media, and independence.
• Planning transitions intentionally. Turning visits or moves into opportunities for growth, not stress.
• Deepening emotional intimacy. Asking meaningful questions, expressing appreciation, and learning how to listen with curiosity.

These small adjustments create stability and warmth, helping both partners feel anchored even when life pulls them apart.

Why Couples Choose Here Counseling for Long-Distance Support

Finding a therapist who understands both the science of attachment and the reality of modern relationships can be difficult. Here Counseling was built to make that process simpler, faster, and more compassionate.

Quick, personalized matching. Our AI Therapist Matcher and Care Coordinator ensure you’re paired with a therapist who fits your personalities, goals, and schedules—often within a week.

Expert, supervised care. Every therapist is supervised by a doctorally trained licensed clinical psychologist, ensuring the highest quality of clinical oversight and support.

Evidence-based, trauma-informed methods. From Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to EMDR and somatic tools, we integrate proven modalities that go beyond surface communication.

No waitlists, ever. You won’t have to delay care when your relationship needs it most.

Statewide access. We offer secure online sessions across California, so whether you’re in Los Angeles, the Bay Area, or San Diego, you can connect easily.

Couples who work with Here Counseling often describe the process as “transformative.” They feel calmer, closer, and more equipped to love without fear—even from miles away.

FAQs

Can couples therapy really work if we live in different cities or countries?
Yes. With secure online sessions, long-distance therapy can be just as effective as in-person care. Many couples even find it easier to open up from familiar environments.

Do both of us need to live in California?
At least one partner should reside in California for licensing purposes. Our Care Coordinator can clarify what’s possible for your unique situation.

What if one of us is more invested in therapy than the other?
That’s common. A skilled therapist helps balance engagement so neither partner feels blamed or pressured.

Can long-distance relationships actually last?
Yes. Studies and lived experience show that long-distance couples can thrive when they maintain consistent communication, trust, and emotional closeness—skills therapy helps you strengthen.

How is couples therapy different from individual therapy?
Couples therapy focuses on the space between you—your patterns, triggers, and communication—so you can both feel safe and connected.

What if therapy makes things harder at first?
Sometimes honest conversations stir old emotions, but that’s part of the healing process. Your therapist will guide you in staying grounded and compassionate.

Do we have to be in crisis to start therapy?
Not at all. Many couples use therapy proactively to keep love strong and aligned, even when things are going well.

Start Closing the Distance Between You

Long-distance relationships aren’t defined by miles—they’re defined by how you care for the space between you. Therapy helps you turn that space into connection instead of silence.

If you’ve been feeling misunderstood, anxious, or disconnected, there’s help available now. Here Counseling’s Care Coordinator can match you with a therapist who understands the unique rhythms of long-distance love and can help you feel secure again.

Schedule a call today to find your match and start strengthening your relationship, one conversation at a time.

Love doesn’t fade with distance—it grows through intention, trust, and the courage to reach for help when you need it.

There are breakups that you see coming, and there are breakups that arrive like a collapse. Even when you knew the relationship was struggling, the ending can still land in the body like a shock. 

The mind tries to understand. The heart tries to steady itself. The nervous system searches for familiar cues of safety that are no longer there.

After a breakup, many people feel pulled in several directions at once. Some part of you may believe you should be “over it” by now. 

Another part may still wake up thinking about them every morning. You may replay conversations in your mind, searching for signs or endings you missed, or moments where you wish you had spoken differently.

What often makes post-breakup pain so difficult is that it is not just the relationship that ends — it is also the future you imagined with this person. That future may feel like a living thing you now have to grieve.

This is where therapy can help. And sometimes, couples therapy post-breakup is the path toward clarity, closure, and emotional repair — not to return to the relationship, but to understand it.

When Relationships End, the Nervous System Doesn’t Immediately Understand

Even when your mind agrees that the relationship is over, the body may still feel attached. The body memorizes closeness, routines, and emotional patterns. If you spent years regulating each other’s stress, sharing a home, or communicating daily, those rhythms don’t simply disappear.

You may notice:

• Grief that comes in waves, sometimes without a clear trigger.
• A heavy, sinking feeling in the chest.
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping.
• A sense of being “unmoored,” like the ground is not steady.
• A pull toward contact, even when you logically know distance is healthier.

These experiences are not signs of weakness. They are your nervous system recalibrating in the absence of connection.

Breakups are not just emotional events — they are physiological disruptions.

Why Couples Therapy Post-Breakup Can Be Supportive

It can feel surprising to consider couples therapy after the relationship has ended. People sometimes assume therapy is only for reconciliation or repair. 

But therapy can also be a structured space to understand what happened, how the relationship shaped you, and how to move forward differently.

Some couples come to therapy post-breakup because there were unresolved questions that were too painful or too charged to discuss while the relationship was active.

Others want to understand their patterns so they don’t repeat them. Sometimes, one or both partners simply need a space where their pain, love, confusion, and hurt can be witnessed without blame.

Post-breakup couples therapy is less about who was “right” or “wrong” and more about gently exploring what each person needed, feared, and protected inside the relationship.

The Lingering Stories We Carry After Love Ends

Breakups can create narratives that become deeply internalized. You may hear echoes of:

“I wasn’t enough.”
“I ruined this.”
“No one is ever going to love me like that again.”
“If I had just tried harder, maybe we could have made it work.”

These thoughts can feel true because they are emotionally charged, not because they reflect reality. Often, they are younger emotional parts speaking — parts connected to attachment wounds, abandonment fears, or old patterns of self-blame.

Therapy helps us slow down enough to notice the stories, identify where they come from, and hold them with compassion rather than judgment.

When There Is Still Love After the Breakup

It is possible to care deeply for someone and know that you cannot continue the relationship as it was. Love does not disappear just because a relationship ends. It simply changes shape.

In therapy, we can hold that truth gently:

You can love someone and still need space.
You can miss them and still know returning would reopen the wound.
You can wish things were different and still understand why they are not.

There is a difference between longing and returning. Therapy helps honor the longing without letting it pull you back into pain.

Betrayal, Breaches of Trust, and the Pain That Lives in the Body

If the breakup involved betrayal, secrecy, emotional withdrawal, or unclear communication, the pain can be even sharper. Betrayal is not just emotional hurt; it is a shock to the nervous system. The world feels less predictable. You may question your own intuition or sense of reality.

In therapy, we move slowly here. Not to analyze from the mind, but to help the body find safety again. Healing betrayal is not about forcing forgiveness. It is about restoring your relationship to yourself.

Grief Does Not Move in a Straight Line

One day you may feel steady enough to breathe fully. The next, you may find yourself unable to stop crying. Healing after a breakup is not linear. It is tidal. And the goal is not to “get over” the person but to gradually create space for a new version of yourself to emerge.

Grief is a slow relearning of how to live without someone whose presence shaped your emotional world.

How Therapy Supports You in Rebuilding After Loss

In our work together, we focus on helping your system feel safe again. We explore:

• What parts of you were activated or hurt in the relationship?
• How past experiences shaped your emotional needs and responses.
• What your grief is trying to express or protect.
• How to stay compassionate toward yourself during this transition.

We do not rush the process. We do not force meaning. We allow your pace to be the guide.

When You Still Feel Connected to the Person You Broke Up With

It is common to still feel emotionally bonded to an ex-partner. That does not mean the relationship should resume. It means the attachment is still unwinding. That process requires gentleness, not urgency. Therapy creates the space for that unwinding to happen with care.

Moving Forward Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Healing does not mean erasing the relationship. It means integrating it into your life story in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your present. You do not have to rush into new relationships or redefine yourself overnight. There is room for softness here.

How We Support Post-Breakup Healing at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling, we understand that breakup pain is not “just heartbreak.” It is attachment grief. It is nervous system shock. It is the loss of a story you were still living inside of.

We move slowly and gently here.

Our therapists approach post-breakup care with attunement, patience, and steadiness. We don’t rush your healing or ask you to let go before your system is ready. Instead, we help you:

• Make sense of the emotional patterns that formed in the relationship.
• Understand the needs, fears, and protective parts that were activated.
• Grieve without collapsing or shutting down.
• Rebuild trust in your own perception and emotional truth.
• Learn how to stay connected to yourself instead of abandoning yourself for love.

Some people come to us alone. Others come with their former partner for structured post-breakup processing. Both paths are welcome — and both can lead to clarity, closure, and relief.

We honor the pace at which your body and heart are ready to move. You don’t have to navigate the in-between alone. There is space here for every version of you — the one that loved deeply, the one that is hurting now, and the one that is slowly learning how to breathe again.

In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Boundary Obsession Comes From Social Anxiety

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

1. Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
2. People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
3. Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
4. Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
5. Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
6. Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

Step	Description
1. Social Isolation	Social isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-Pleasing	We suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted Corner	We create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. Suppression	We suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. Projection	We think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude Boundaries	We react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

• Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
• Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
• Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

1. Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
2. Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
3. Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

1. “I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
   How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
2. “You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
   How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
3. “I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
   How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
4. “This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
   How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
5. “You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
   How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
6. “Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
   How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

1. “I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
   How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
2. “It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
   How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
3. “I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
   How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
4. “Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
   How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
5. “You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
   How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
6. “I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
   How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
7. “It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
   How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

1. Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
2. Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
3. Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.