COVID, Parenting

Successful Transitions: Back to School

Written by Connor McClenahan

“How can parents best support their child during this time? We’re joined by Melissa Winfield, licensed clinical psychologist at Here Counseling in downtown Los Angeles, to discuss.”

Melissa Winfield, PsyD was interviewed by AirTalk with Larry Mantle for KPCC. The intervew with Dr. Winfield begins at 35:00.

Back-to-School

Back-to-school looks different this year. After a year and a half of the pandemic, kids, parents and teachers are all feeling the impact of yet another transition. For some kids being back in the classroom is a highly anticipated relief from the challenges of remote learning. They are excited to see friends and have the support of teachers. Others are more worried about this change.

Even with the excitement, new transitions can increase anxiety and apprehension for children and teenagers. In order to help kids with this transition, we need to understand the unique stressors that children and teenagers are experiencing and the necessary parenting tools.

Mental Health Impact of Transition

All transitions, even happy ones, can cause increased stress for kids. They will be facing new expectations, engaging with new people, having to get up early again…and dealing with the emotional impact of the pandemic.

Unlike other years, many students have missed out on a whole year of being with peers and learning in person. This may result in the following experiences:

  • Increased self-consciousness about the changes in their bodies (ex. Growing taller, gaining weight, starting puberty)
  • More social pressure as they reconnect with peers in person
  • Feeling awkward or believing that they have lost social skills
  • Exhaustion due to not being used to the demands of school
  • Fear about getting COVID-19 at school and bringing it home to at risk family members

Additionally, the isolation and stress of the pandemic has caused an increase in depression and anxiety among children and teens. Even if going back to school is a good change, they may still be experiencing more worries, discouragement, and lack of motivation than they were prior to the pandemic.

Parent Tools

So what can parents do to help? Well…a lot, actually! Parent engagement and support is a major contributor to helping kids deal with stress and build resilience.

Here are some things that you can do to help your child/teenager cope during the transition:

  1. Talk About Feelings
    Recognize that increased irritability or acting out may be the result of stress and help your child verbalize how they are feeling. You may need to model expressing your own feelings to help them learn this skill. Ex. “I’m feeling nervous about seeing people in person again, how are you feeling about going back to school?”
  2. Keep Routines
    Limit the changes in routine as much as you can, especially if your child is struggling with going back to school. Routines help kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Try to keep routines that you have been doing during the pandemic. For example, if you spent more time as a family doing certain activities or have been visiting specific friends or extended family during the pandemic, keep doing those activities regularly.
  3. Provide Reassurance
    When kids are anxious, they need a lot of reassurance that it’s going to be ok and that they are safe. If you child is nervous about going back to school because of COVID, help them understand the safety precautions provided at school and how this can help keep them safe. They may need to hear this reassurance multiple times to trust that things haven’t changed again. Praise kids for following guidelines so that they feel good about themselves and their efforts to maintain safety.
  4. Take Care of Yourself
    Parent anxiety can increase stress on kids. Children take in both verbal and non-verbal cues from adults about how safe or scary a situation is. By taking action to manage your own anxiety and stress, you can be more encouraging, positive and reassuring for your kids. Watching you handle stress well can go a long way to help your children build resilience and be successful in this transition.

And as always, reach out for help if you would like to talk to a therapist about the specific needs of your child or are struggling to manage your own emotions in this time. Transitioning back to in person school during a pandemic is a new challenge for everyone. Thankfully with the right support most kids will become more resilient and learn to cope with this new transition.

Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.

Learn More about Working with Melissa

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COVID, Managing emotions

Why Depression May Feel Stronger this Season, and Two Ways to Increase Your Emotional Resilience

Written by Connor McClenahan

Depression can feel overwhelming during the holidays. There’s a few reasons for that. Our traditions and gatherings can usually remind us not only of the ways we are connected and grateful, but also the ways we can sometimes feel alone and isolated as well.

This holiday brings with it an uninvited guest: a recognition that for many of us, this year has been difficult, and at times has felt hopeless. On top of these kinds of economic and health realities, we can recognize that we’ve been lonely.

Our brains were meant for daily social connection

The largest part of our brains is the cortex. That’s the rich, folded external part of our brains responsible for all of our higher order planning, thinking, language, and visual-spacial awareness. The purpose of this part of the brain isn’t simply for accomplishing tasks.

The purpose of this important part of our brain is to keep us connected to a social group.

Our cortex is built for constant and intricate interactions with other people. Picture a 150 person closed-network group of people – similar to tribal cultures. Each person knows each other, each person has a role, a sense of how they belong and function together. Together they have some sense of their shared world and place in it. They have stories and myths, they have unfolding drama and conflict between members, and ways of moving through these conflicts toward resolutions.

Pre-COVID, our social environments tend to be more urban than tribal. The social connections that fed our cortexes came instead from affinity groups, churches, work environments, and gyms. These give our lives meaning, they give us purpose, and identity. When we feel we belong to a community, we know our role, we get clear signals about our identity within that group, and we feel we’re moving toward some shared purpose that’s larger than ourselves.

This season, our brains are starved for social connection, and it’s making us depressed.

While this seems an obvious connection, I believe we can also tend to dismiss the weight these social interactions hold for us.

When we don’t acknowledge the importance of our social groups, we tend to shame ourselves and others for missing friends. We can interpret these kinds of feelings or needs as a disregard for public health. However, it’s normal to be sad and crave things like dinner parties and baseball games, just like it’s normal to be thirsty or hungry.

Our hunger for social interactions is a survival instinct. It’s telling us that we’re vulnerable, that we’re alone in a threatening world.

Loneliness and Hopelessness Contribute to Depression

Depression is a clinical term that describes a certain prolonged experience of low energy, sadness, lack of pleasure and hope for the future. For some of us who have a tendency toward depression, there are some environmental pieces that will trigger a depressive episode.

The two factors that may especially contribute to triggering a depressive episode this season are isolation and hopelessness. We’ve already talked a bit about isolation, how our sense of belonging to a group of people can insulate us from depression and meaninglessness.

Hopelessness is the experience of not being able to imagine the end of suffering. Human beings can be incredibly resilient when we can envision an end to our suffering. When we can see a light at the end of the tunnel we can endure incredible challenges, just like a marathon runner can push toward the finish line because she can imagine a defined point at which the pain in her legs will stop.

Because we don’t know when the pandemic will end, we can feel hopeless. When we don’t know how long to social distance for, or when we’ll be able to see family again, we can tend to be overwhelmed by depressive feelings.

Two Ways to Increase your Emotional Resilience

So what do we do? While no solution will bring back the social connections we’re craving, our best tool is to hold onto a few things that help us endure the pain of being apart.

First of all, it’s important to not throw out our normal traditions. Talk with friends and family and be creative with a socially-distanced version of your normal traditions. While there may be an element of sadness to not being together, practicing the tradition will help us to remember important moments of connection with those closest to us.

Second, talk with family and friends to plan a time in the future to celebrate once it’s safe. Just like a marathon runner needs a clear, defined end to their pain to keep going, we need to clearly imagine a point at which we can come back together and celebrate. Plan a trip or visit to reconnect with others in the future – talk about what kind of meal or activity you’ll do. The more clearly you can imagine and plan for this moment, the more it will increase your emotional resilience in this time.

What could this look like for your immediate family? For your friend group? For your work life?

In the meantime, if you’re struggling today with depressive feelings that are overwhelming, give us a call. Therapy can help you move through these feelings and recover a sense of hope and meaning.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

LEARN MORE ABOUT CONNOR

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COVID, Parenting

Want to Calm the Chaos at Home? It starts with 3 things you can do with your child today.

Written by Connor McClenahan

Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face. 

Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child

Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways: 

  • Increases their sense of safety and security
  • Reduces anxiety and stress 
  • Helps you feel more confident in your parenting 
  • Increases self-esteem 
  • Reduces conflict 
  • Helps kids accept limits and disciple

How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child 

Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!

Here are three things that you can start doing today: 

Start One-on-One Time 

I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship. 

Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them. 

Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time: 

  • 5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing 
  • Read a bedtime story
  • Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed 
  • Drawing or coloring with your child 

Schedule Family Time 

Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.  

Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better. 

Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family: 

  • Family game night 
  • Movie night
  • Trip to the park
  • Bike ride/walk
  • Family Dinner 
  • Pancake breakfast on Saturday
  • Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family  

Increase Labeled Praise 

Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well. 

To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small. 

Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child

Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship. 

Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

 

Download Free Worksheet
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Setting a Centering Affirmation: How 1 Minute in the Morning Can Set You up for Success All Day.

Written by Here Counseling

Stress is everywhere these days. 

  • You’re trying to stay afloat economically. 
  • You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones. 
  • Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort. 

This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.

What’s happening in your brain and body?

Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking. 

Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.

  • Muscle tension.
  • Gastrointestinal issues.
  • Fatigue.
  • Insomnia.
  • Weight gain.
  • Extreme weight loss.

None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life. 

What can you do about it?

Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement. 

  • I’m unloved. 
  • I’m a failure. 
  • I’m not safe.

You get the point.

So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself. 

NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.

  • I am loved.
  • I’m important. 
  • I do the best I can.

Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today. 

LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.

Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?

These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice. 

Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.

Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day. 

Taking the next step

Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns. 

Be free to live again.

Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore. 

Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future.

LEARN MORE ABOUT GAVIN
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COVID, Parenting

So your child is acting out at home: Why that’s normal and what you can do today

Written by Connor McClenahan

Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:

  • Crying more easily
  • Difficulty calming down
  • Talking back
  • Blowing up at something small

While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.

Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?

  • School from home 
  • More time with siblings
  • Different day care routine 
  • Changes in soccer practice 
  • Not able to see friends from school

Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors. 

1. Increase one-on-one time with your child

Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.

If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.

Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule. 

2. Prioritize expectations 

The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.

Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:

  • Get ready for school on time
  • Pay attention to class online 
  • Complete assignments 
  • Brush teeth
  • Not fighting with sister 
  • Etc. 

What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now. 

Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.

Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything. 

3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out 

Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.

Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked.  Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV. 

Remember that consequences work best if

  1. Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
  2. If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!

The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in. 

For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation! 

You Got This! 

Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.

This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills! 

Learn about our Therapists

 

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COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

  • “Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
  • “Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
  • “Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan
Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

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COVID, Healthy Relationships

Therapy from home: Three things you should be doing as a couple while quarantined

Written by Here Counseling

With all the changes in our lives due the coronavirus and quarantine, our relationships are going to feel the strain. You are likely going to have more conflicts with your partner, simply by being around them more often. You also have the opportunity to deepen your relationship- therapy from home.

In difficult times, our relationships can get stronger

To really take advantage of this time, I want to invite you to take three steps to improve your relationship while in quarantine.

Increase the good stuff

The Gottman Institute, one of the leading sources of research and intervention about relationships, says we want five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction. Keeping it that way leads to a more stable and happy relationship, and reduces the likelihood of divorce.

Find a couple small things to do for your spouse daily:

  • Leave each other kind notes
  • Take care of a chore
  • Ask about their day
  • Hug for 15-20 seconds
  • Dress up and have a date

Make a fight plan

It’s going to happen. Plan ahead for what you’re going to do in an emotional fight, keeping in mind that your previous strategies may not be options.

Plan for:

  • Who gets what space if you need a break
  • How long you’ll take a break
  • Coping ahead, or making time to cope before you are even upset
  • Checking in each day so you don’t go to bed angry

For more specific ideas on conflict, check out my colleague Connor McClenahan’s video on how to resolve an argument – he walks you through a step by step approach to hearing one another well and resolving the real underlying issue. You can find it on our Covid-19 resources page.

Engage in couples counseling

Whether your relationship is feeling tumultuous right now or you recognize that quarantine is a good time to brush up on your conflict resolution skills, couples counseling can help. Couples counseling can build on your existing strengths, help you grow in those areas of difficulty, and provide a place to flush out any disagreements that you struggled to come to a resolution on.

At Here Counseling, we are still providing in-office sessions and can also provide couples counseling over telehealth, so whatever your comfort-level is with leaving the house, we can still meet you where you’re at. Reach out today to see a stronger marriage during a difficult time.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy at Home: Moving through Meaninglessness

Written by Here Counseling

During quarantine, many of us have felt not like ourselves, including feeling unproductive, lonely, bored, easily emotional, or lacking in meaning. To understand why this may be, we’re going to review Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow theorized that we are initially motivated by the lowest or most basic need. As those needs are met, we move up the hierarchy to more complex needs. However, if a need is not met, the motivation for that need increases until it is met, and it will end up taking our focus away from higher levels.

Before we review these needs, take a moment and brainstorm what are the top things that are taking your energy right now, or maybe another way of phrasing it would be your top worries. We’ll use the list to see where on the hierarchy those worries fall.

Our first needs are physiological, such as food, shelter, and water. Many of us, I hope, are still doing ok here. The next one is safety, which focuses on stability, employment, finances, health, resources. I’m going to guess your list had a lot of these kinds of problems on it. Our resources have changed, our employment has changed, we may be in financial risk, and we may feel scared of getting sick.

The coronavirus has caused most of us to focus on this basic need. That means a lot of our energy and motivation will be on trying to resolve these issues. Hopefully we can take advantage of some of that motivation to resolve what we can in terms of reviewing finances and making smart hygiene choices. However, some of the issues we can’t resolve, like finding a cure or ending a shelter-in-place order, which means our motivation and focus will get stuck here. That also means we will have less motivation for needs higher up on the hierarchy.

The next need is love, belonging, friendship, and connection. This may be hard to access right now for some. We may find ourselves fighting with loved ones more often, or feeling like we are lonely and struggle to feel connected with others. You may not have as much motivation or energy to put into those relationships.

The next few are esteem, cognitive needs (meaning to feel curious, want to explore or learn), and aesthetic needs (meaning to appreciate beauty). This entails feeling good about ourselves, or feeling confident and strong. When we’re here, engaging in work or a preferred activity feels fun, freeing, and like it’s building you up. If we don’t have motivation to explore, grow, or work, it may be harder to get things done. That may lead to feeling stressed and incompetent, or bored and unfulfilled by those tasks that usually give you energy.

Lastly is self-actualization and transcendence, which involves seeking to be the best version of ourselves, or finding meaning in the world around us. This may include spiritual journeys or exploring questions of identity. Again, without as much energy or motivation to go here, you may feel disappointed in what feels like a lack of growth in these areas.

So what do we do about it?

If so much of our energy is now being diverted to feeling safe, and we can’t change a lot of what’s making us feel unsafe, how do we move forward?

Firstly, I would invite you to be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling. I think that’s hard for many of us, because we have a certain standard of accomplishment that we hold ourselves to, and kindness can feel like weakness. I would challenge you to push back against that standard by remembering that this is a completely unprecedented event in your life. It’s ok to be upset, it’s ok to do less, and it’s ok to be kind to yourself.

The next thing I’m going to invite you to do is to find other ways of helping you feel safe. Remember when you were a kid, and you got scared, maybe from a nightmare? What did you seek? Again, take a moment and jot down some things you may have turned to.

When you’re looking at your list, maybe you wrote down the warm comfort of a blanket or favorite stuffed animal. Maybe it was a cup of hot cocoa and a favorite movie. A favorite song, smell, or taste. We are usually soothed by connecting with our five senses. One way of dealing with feeling unsafe would be to find a physical way of coping.

The other thing you probably did is you went to a safe person, like your parent or a sibling. Though love and belonging is the next need above safety, I think it’s worth putting in that extra effort to connect with the life-giving relationships in your life. Social support is a key way of coping in difficult times. This may not be the time to try and reconcile with a difficult family member, but it’s a great time to call friends and family who make you feel loved and safe, and for whom you can provide that in return.

Lastly, it’s important that we remind ourselves that this is not our reality forever. It can be easy to forget that these feelings will end, and so will this pandemic. Maybe write down a reminder somewhere you will see it – this too shall pass.

Maybe as I’ve reviewed these ideas today, you got stuck somewhere along the way. Maybe it was difficult to think of things that calm you, or you could only think of things that have some negative consequences attached, like emotional eating or substance use.
Maybe you struggled to get past that self-critical voice telling you to do more. Maybe you’ve noticed that the conflict in your relationships has gotten to be more than you can handle. If that’s you, reach out for therapy today. Yes, this will pass, but it doesn’t have to be so difficult, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

We’re all in this together. This too shall pass.

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy from Home: Practicing Serenity During Quarantine Chaos

Written by Here Counseling

When faced with what we cannot control, we can often feel stressed, aimless, and defeated. Sometimes we then try numbing ourselves with things like junk food, Netflix, or alcohol. A single chocolate bar won’t hurt, but relying on these to cope can end up leading to bigger problems long term in terms of dependency issues or not reaching our goals.

In these times of difficulty, I’ve found myself turning to an old saying: seeking to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Some of my material is adapted from Marsha Linehan’s work on Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can find more of her material on her website.

If you can solve it, solve it

When we feel defeated, we need some wins. So ask yourself – what are some small things I can change today to make my world a little better?

We can also do a lot to help in terms of our physical health – and being physically unwell can make us more vulnerable to intense emotion. Try:

• Balancing your eating, and limiting binge snacking
• Setting up a sleep routine
• Limiting or avoiding substance use
• Take any medications prescribed to you
• Go on a walk or exercise at home
• Reach out to a friend who you can confide in, or a friend who makes you laugh

It can be easy to get stuck

Sometimes when people face tough problems, they feel upset, but they don’t do anything to help themselves feel better, or they act impulsively and hurt themselves or others. This is also going to keep you stuck in even more pain and suffering than you were in before, and keep you from moving forward.

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

If we can’t make things better, and we don’t want to make things worse, we are left with accepting reality as it is. Sometimes we mix up acceptance and complacency, or giving up.

Acceptance does not mean:
• That you like it
• That you deserve it
• That you don’t try to change what you can

Acceptance means we open our hands and our hearts to whatever the day may bring: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We allow the world to be as it is, instead of numbing ourselves so we don’t see it.

Don’t do this alone

Now is the time to come together with loved ones. Reach out to a trusted friend, check in on your family members, and get in contact with a therapist, especially if you’re finding yourself using impulsive actions or numbing to get through quarantine. We’re all in this together – reach out today.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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COVID, Managing emotions

COVID-19 Helpful Blog Articles

Written by Here Counseling

This post is a list of blogs that I’ve come across and thought were worth sharing. I’ve included a brief snapshot of each article and organized them by topic. I’ll continue to update this page as I come across articles worth sharing. Also, be sure to check out blog posts from the clinicians at Here Counseling.

Working from Home

6 Relationship Tips From a Therapist on Dealing With Covid-19 Stress

A couples therapist in SF describes how common problems arise from being in close proximity with your significant other for extended periods of time. She writes that these common problems are exacerbated by the stress and anxiety of the COVID-19 epidemic, and she provides 6 excellent suggestions for how to navigate the stress and proximity together. Getting ahead of the virus’ potential impact on our relationships should be part of any good coronavirus readiness plan, so this is a great article to help with adapting.

How To Be A Happy And Productive Remote Worker

This blog is pretty id-depth and will appeal to those who are in middle management, as well as a team member. It comes from the folks at Trello, who has their entire team working remotely and are very experienced in it (they even wrote a book about it and it link it at the bottom of the blog, if you want a copy). This is a great article if you think you might be working from home for the next couple of months or longer.

A Remote Work Guide, For Parents

Also from the Trello team, this blog is one of the better ones I’ve read for parents working from home. The author discusses how to manage your children’s expectations about their parents being at home and develop great routines. My favorite suggestion is one my clients / patients hear from me a lot: wake up at the same time everyday. Maintaining routines requires extra effort but it is even more important when there is less accountability. 

Does Remote Work Increase Our Risk Of Impostor Syndrome?

Last one from Trello (they have a great blog with more you can check out at blog.trello.com)! Moving to remote work is an adjustment in our personal routines but it is also an adjustment in how we view workplace etiquitte and time management. This blog does a great job presenting these problems and providing useful solutions. For instance, if you’re struggling with writing an email for fear of your tone being misunderstood, see if you can schedule a quick FaceTime to get the message across the way you’re most comfortable.

Emotional Wellbeing

Five Ways to View Coverage of the Coronavirus

This blog comes from the American Psychological Association and is brief and to the point. It is a great read for folks feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Five Easy Ways You and Your Family Can Fight Stress During the Coronavirus Outbreak

This blog introduces the “COVID-19 Five-a-day,” which, as the author puts it, “is a set of five daily goals that you and your family can implement, based on global research on resilience and coping with adversity.” Tips provided in this blog are based on research from the effects of isolation, and if you want to find out more, there is a link at the bottom of the webpage.

Talking to Children about Illness

This is a fantastic guide released by the British Psychological Association that details how to discuss the Coronavirus with your children. It details the needs of children at different developmental stages, what they may say or do, and exactly what you an do to help. This guide is for parents of children age 0-18. Also look at this article and video from our very own Ashley Holcomb, PsyD about how to talk to your children about the coronavirus.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD

I help people with depression feel less weighed down, and more in control of their emotions, so they can feel relief.

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