“Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support.”
-Dr. Vivek Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General
The basic activities required of parenting, such as keeping your kids safe and healthy, can feel like a heavy burden. But, add to that feelings of exhaustion, financial strain, relationship friction, and unrealistic expectations, you can find yourself burning out and closing in. When parents are pushed to the edge, there is a tendency to isolate – but actually they should be doing the opposite. Here are some do’s and dont’s for when parenting gets tough.
The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, recently announced that he was issuing an advisory to “call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers.” In his Op Ed in the New York Times, he cited a recent study by the American Psychological Association, which states that 48% of parents indicate that their stress levels are regularly overwhelming.
Reach out, don’t close up
A great way to relieve yourself of doubt, get an understanding ear, and share concerns is to talk with other parents! All parents, at one time or another, question their parenting skills, instincts, and choices. It’s normal and healthy to wonder if there are other ways to address sticky situations within the family. In Los Angeles, there are a myriad of parent groups with topics as specific as post-partum support circles, foster/adopt process groups, parenting teens groups, grieving fathers groups, or movement healing circles. If you have a concern around parenting, there’s a group out there for it!
Ask for help, don’t be a superhero
Reaching out to friends and family is hard when you know that everyone is stressed. But your support system will not know you need help unless you ask. Simple requests to come over for an hour while you take a shower or to drop off a meal can mean the difference of feeling human again! Seek out specific support services for your needs. For example, Postpartum doulas help mothers in the first twelve months after birth. They can prepare nutritious meals, offer relaxing massage, and talk about whatever is on your mind. As Dr. Murthy wrote, “We must learn to view asking for help and accepting help as acts of strength, not weakness.”
Offer to help, don’t retreat
Another way to feel less isolated is to reach out and offer support to a parent you know. You can text them when you go to the store and ask them if they need anything, or drop by and tell them, “I wanted to say Hi, and check in on you!” It may sound counterintuitive to add something like this to your already full schedule, but the reward of helping another helps you feel connected and less alone. Give to receive!
Seek out therapy – you are not alone
Parenting is hard! It is one of the most important things we do, and yet no one teaches us how to do it except our parents, and sometimes those models are not ones we want to follow. Therapy is a safe place to reflect on the hardships of building and sustaining a family, get personalized support, and receive attuned and supportive care. With a good therapist, you are not alone in you parenting journey. Your mental health is the best place to start being the best parent you can be.
Suicidal ideation is isolating. People with suicidal ideation often constantly battle thoughts about death and dying. Managing these feelings alone is tough, and it becomes an even heavier burden when we don’t discuss them. Society doesn’t teach us to openly talk about suicidal ideation. Yet locking away these thoughts only deepens the loneliness and pain.
The truth is, suicidal ideation is more common than we think. Yet it doesn’t have to be something we carry alone. Rather than seeing these thoughts as something to be ashamed of, we can begin to recognize them as a signal that something in our lives needs an immediate change. It’s a call for help, an invitation to reach out, and an opportunity to reclaim our lives with the right support.
In this blog we’re going to help you see suicidal ideation in a different way: as a way of crying out for care – a cry that needs to be expressed. We’ll talk about what suicidal ideation really is, why it’s important to talk about it, and how therapy can help you navigate these thoughts with compassion and hope.
What Is Suicidal Ideation?
Suicidal ideation is when you are experiencing intrusive thoughts about wanting to die. Suicidal ideation can range in intensity and look different for everyone. For example, you might feel like you don’t want to be alive but you have no concrete plan for actually making that happen. Or you might have very active suicide ideation with a detailed plan as to when, where, and how you will act on the idea. Having thoughts about wanting to die often doesn’t mean you actually want to die. Rather it’s a sign that something is wrong in your life that needs to change.
“I’m so afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts”
There are a lot of fears around sharing these thoughts with other people. You fear that someone will misunderstand you or escalate the issue to the police. You’re worried that expressing yourself might worsen the situation instead of improving it.
One of our therapists Dr. Jeff Chan puts it this way:
“Thoughts of ending your life can feel overwhelming and frightening. It’s common to worry that others might judge you or that having these thoughts means something is deeply wrong. But it’s important to know that suicidal thoughts are often a symptom of intense pain, not necessarily a desire to die.
Most of the time, we don’t want to end our lives—we just want the pain to stop, and it feels like there’s no other way out. Talking about these thoughts, especially with someone who cares, can help take away some of their power and open the door to finding ways to heal the pain at the root of it all. We’re here to help figure that out together.”
What To Do If You’re Experiencing Suicidal Ideation
Seek support from a friend or family member: The first step to take is to let someone know. You can start by sending a text to a trusted loved one, saying something like: “This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts and it might help to talk. Are you free?” This is a vulnerable step. Yet it is important for the people in your life to know how you are feeling inside.
Contact a Therapist: Reaching out to a therapist and setting up an appointment can provide you a sense of hope knowing that you have something on your calendar that will help. Therapy is a safe place to talk openly and freely about what you have been feeling.
Call or text the Suicide Crisis Line: Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re not sure who to tell yet, you can start by talking to the lifeline number to find support and safety there.
Consider making a plan of who you can talk to when suicidal ideation feels overwhelming.
When you get the right care for suicidal ideation, everything changes
Suicidal ideation is a signal that something in your life needs to change, and with the right support, you can begin to make those changes. By breaking the silence and reaching out for help, you’re taking the first step towards healing.
As Dr. Connor McClenahan explains,
“When we talk about suicide ideation, we begin to experience safety and hope. There are many people like you who experience this, and when we can talk about it—that’s when we find healing.”
Healing starts with a conversation. When the cry is only internal, it can feel chaotic and overwhelming. By sharing your thoughts with a safe person, you open the door to new possibilities. You begin forging a path forward that’s defined by hope, not pain.
So it’s your first time in therapy. You know that talking about difficult aspects of your life with your therapist is normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! There is a part of you that wants to share and get support from your therapist, but there is also a part of you that fears being judged and worries about having to face deep hurt. Being able to speak freely and safely in therapy is crucial for your healing journey, but it can also be nerve-wracking. Here are a few ways to address challenging topics with your therapist.
Won’t talking about bad things make me feel bad?
You worry that talking about depression, anxiety, trauma will make it worse. But the reverse is true. There are surprising benefits to talking about what’s uncomfortable.
You can finally live more authentically
It becomes less scary when you talk about it
You’ll become more courageous and brave
1. Start with how you feel NOW
You get to be exactly where you are in your own therapeutic journey. If you feel scared about discussing a certain topic, start there. Tell your therapist that you feel uncomfortable or scared talking about a specific issue. This gets you over the hurdle of broaching a difficult subject. You can say, “I want you to know there is something important I need to bring, and I’m feeling scared to talk about it. I might need your support in how to talk about it.” A good therapist will always honor the time you need to address scary stuff and provide support in helping you get there.
2. Communicate what you need
Let your therapist know what would be helpful for you in discussing a tough topic. You can ask for no interruptions, or no immediate responses. You can also ask your therapist to allow silences, or alternately, to encourage you when silences occur. Let your therapist know how they can create a safe space for you to speak without restrictions.
3. Ask anything
You can ask your therapist any questions that arise during session. If you have concerns or confusion about how things work in therapy or in the client/therapist relationship, ask! You may ask your therapist to review confidentiality or to explain something that doesn’t sit right or feels unclear. A good therapist will accept your questions as an opportunity to build trust and mutual respect.
Remember your therapist is a trained professional
Therapists go through years of education and clinical practice to hold their clients’ complex emotions. Just as you must disclose painful things to your doctor to stay healthy, you need to talk with your therapist about unpleasant or embarrassing feelings. Therapists are prepared to discuss all experiences and feelings you have. This is their job. If you still feel uncomfortable talking with your therapist, it’s OK. Go slow and trust that the important things affecting your lie and experience will come up eventually. A good therapist will guide you toward what needs to be discussed.
Disclosing essential information will help you
If you want to get the most out of your therapeutic experience, it is helpful to share the significant issues. For example, it’s important to tell your therapist if you have suicidal thoughts or are in danger of hurting yourself. This will help your therapist get you the immediate resources you need to stabilize and feel safe. It is good to disclose chronic illnesses or diseases, upcoming surgeries, as well as current or past in/outpatient psychiatric treatment. Your therapist can tailor your sessions to complement other treatment and create the continuity of care you deserve.
You’ll feel better
Finally, remember that speaking with your therapist about shameful or uncomfortable issues can be awkward at first. However, processing those feelings with a caring professional will move you into acceptance and ease where you are happier, lighter, and more yourself.
On the surface, being a “perfectionist” might not seem so bad. You want to always be doing your very best. That’s not so bad, right? Unfortunately, the reality of long-standing perfectionism can end up doing more harm than good. Perfectionism often leads to stress, anxiety, and feeling like you are never good enough. The underlying desire to be perfect can end up robbing you of joy and leave you feeling trapped in an exhausting cycle of self-criticism.
If you’re tired of striving for unattainable standards, it’s time to take a step back and consider a different approach. This blog will talk about how you can defeat perfectionism, reclaim joy, and embrace the beauty of imperfection.
Understanding Perfectionism: More Than Just High Standards
Perfectionism isn’t just having high standards – it’s about setting impossible ones. Perfectionists often equate their self-worth with their ability to achieve flawless results, which can lead to constant disappointment and a fear of failure. This mindset can cause you to procrastinate, avoid challenges, or overwork yourself to the point of burnout.
But here’s the reality: Perfection is an illusion. It’s a moving target that’s impossible to hit, and the pursuit of it can prevent you from enjoying life’s simple pleasures and from appreciating your accomplishments.
The Impact of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can have a profound impact on your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. It often leads to:
Strained Relationships: Perfectionism can cause unrealistic expectations for yourself and others, leading to frustration, disappointment, and tension in relationships.
Anxiety and Stress: The constant pressure to be perfect can create overwhelming stress and anxiety. You may feel like you’re never good enough, no matter how much you achieve.
Procrastination: Fear of making mistakes can lead to procrastination. You might delay starting tasks because you’re afraid you won’t do them perfectly.
Depression and Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often closely connected to feelings of depression and low self-worth. When you constantly criticize yourself for not being “perfect,” it creates a cycle of negativity where you feel overwhelmed and inadequate. This self-criticism can make it hard to ever feel good enough, no matter how much you achieve. Over time, this can lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression. The pressure to be flawless not only prevents you from celebrating your successes but also robs you of the ability to feel grateful or proud of what you do accomplish. Instead, you’re left feeling like nothing is ever truly satisfying or fulfilling.
Strategies to Defeat Perfectionism
Recognize Self-Criticism: Become aware of your inner critic and challenge negative self-talk. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, reframe these thoughts to highlight growth and learning. Shifting from criticism to compassion can reduce feelings of inadequacy.
Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts: Ask yourself, “Is it really necessary for this to be perfect?” or “What’s the worst that could happen if this isn’t flawless?” Often, you’ll find that the fear driving your perfectionism is irrational and that it’s okay to aim for “good enough.”
Set Realistic Goals: Set realistic, achievable goals. Focus on progress rather than perfection. Celebrate small wins and recognize that each step forward is valuable, even if it’s not perfect.
Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities: Mistakes are inevitable. Instead of seeing them as failures, view them as opportunities to learn and improve. By accepting that mistakes are inevitable, you can reduce the fear that drives perfectionism.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. When you fall short of your own expectations, remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. Self-compassion can help you break free from the cycle of self-criticism and find joy in your efforts.
Limit Social Comparison: Comparing yourself to others, especially in the age of social media, can fuel perfectionism. Remember that what you see online is often a highlight reel, not the full picture. Focus on your own journey and progress, rather than measuring yourself against others.
Reclaiming Joy and Embracing Imperfection
When you let go of the need to be perfect, you make space for joy, creativity, and fulfillment. Embracing imperfection allows you to take risks, try new things, and experience life more fully. It frees you from the constant pressure to perform and opens the door to authentic happiness.
Remember, you are more than your achievements. Your worth isn’t defined by flawless performance, but by the unique qualities and experiences that make you who you are. By defeating perfectionism and embracing imperfection, you can reclaim the joy that comes from living a balanced, meaningful life.
Seeking Support
Perfectionism is a tough habit to break, but the rewards of letting it go are immense. Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that progress, not perfection, is the key to a happier, healthier life. If you are struggling, I can help you to defeat perfectionism, embrace your imperfections, and reclaim the joy that’s been missing from your life.
Self-sabotage can be incredibly frustrating. It might look like procrastinating on an important task, talking yourself out of a great opportunity, or setting unrealistically high standards that you could never meet. If this sounds familiar, you’ve likely found yourself caught in the cycle of self-sabotage. It can be frustrating and confusing, leaving you wondering why you keep getting in your own way. You’re not alone. Understanding the root of self-sabotage is the first step towards breaking this frustrating cycle.
This blog will discuss what self-sabotage is, how it manifests, and some helpful strategies to overcome this behavior.
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when you prevent yourself from reaching your goals. It’s a pattern of behavior where, consciously or unconsciously, you undermine your own efforts. This could manifest in ways like procrastination, negative self-talk, perfectionism, or even impulsive decisions. The impact of self-sabotage can be significant, leading to missed opportunities, strained relationships, and a sense of frustration with yourself.
Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
Procrastination
This is when you delay tasks, often without a clear reason, and usually to avoid discomfort or the fear of failure.
Negative Self-Talk
This involves a critical inner dialogue. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed” can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you end up believing these negative thoughts and acting accordingly.
Perfectionism
Setting unattainable standards can be paralyzing. When you’re afraid of making mistakes or not meeting your own high expectations, you might avoid taking any action at all, leading to stagnation.
Fear of Success
While it might seem counterintuitive, some people fear the changes that come with success. This fear can cause them to avoid opportunities, underperform, or deliberately set themselves up for failure.
Impulsivity
Making hasty decisions without considering the consequences can also be a form of self-sabotage. This impulsiveness can lead to actions that disrupt your progress or create unnecessary problems.
Potential Causes of Self-Defeating Behaviors
Internal Beliefs
Your own internal beliefs about yourself can drive your actions without you even realizing it. For example, if you’ve internalized the belief that you don’t deserve success, you might subconsciously sabotage any efforts that could lead to achievement.
Fear of Change
Change can be uncomfortable, even if it’s positive. The fear of stepping out of familiar patterns, even unproductive ones, can lead to self-sabotaging behavior as a way to avoid the unknown.
Comfort
Staying within your comfort zone feels safe, but it can also keep you stuck in unproductive habits. Self-sabotage can be a way to stay in this zone, avoiding the discomfort of growth and change.
Self-Criticism
Negative messages from past experiences or relationships can become internalized, leading to a harsh inner critic. This critical voice can drive you to sabotage your efforts, reinforcing the negative beliefs you’ve held onto.
Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage
Cultivating Self-Awareness
Become more aware of your self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors as they occur. This awareness is crucial for making different choices in the moment. Pay attention to triggers or situations where you tend to sabotage yourself and try to understand the underlying reasons.
Reframing Negative Thoughts
Challenge and replace negative self-talk with constructive affirmations. Instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try reframing it to, “I am capable and learning every day.” Over time, this shift in mindset can help reduce the power of self-sabotaging thoughts.
Setting Realistic Goals
Learn to set achievable, incremental goals that build confidence and momentum. By breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps, you reduce the overwhelming feelings that can lead to self-sabotage.
Embracing Imperfection
Accept that mistakes are part of the learning process. Embracing imperfection allows you to take action without the paralyzing fear of not being perfect. This mindset shift can help you move forward even when things aren’t flawless.
Building a Support Network
Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage positive change. Share your goals with trusted friends or mentors who can provide accountability and motivation.
Seeking Help
If self-sabotage is deeply ingrained and significantly affecting your life, it may be time to seek professional help. The journey of growth often involves encountering parts of ourselves that are challenging to face—those deep-seated fears, doubts, and insecurities that fuel self-sabotaging behaviors. By leaning into these areas with curiosity and compassion, you can begin to dismantle the barriers that hold you back. This process is not always easy, but it can lead to a profound sense of freedom and empowerment. Together, we can uncover the root causes of your behavior and work to develop healthier patterns that allow you to move forward with greater clarity and confidence.
You’re at the point where you feel ready to improve your relationship. Part of you wonders if it might be helpful for you and your partner to both seek therapy together; the other part of you wonders if it would be more helpful for the both of you to see individual therapy. On one hand, couples can worry that couples therapy will be too difficult, heated, or logistically clunky. On the other hand, couples can worry that if they just see an individual therapist, that their couples issues won’t change.
How are you supposed to know whether individual therapy or couples therapy is best? By the end of this blog, you’ll have everything you need to decide which one is best for your relationship needs.
Why couples therapy sometimes doesn’t work
1. There’s not enough space to process your experience of the relationship
The nature of couples therapy results in two individuals being a part of the same sessions together and splitting that time/space. While this kind of shared space can be important and helpful, it can also result in some individuals feeling as though they are not getting the time they need in therapy in order to process the issues that bring them in for therapy.
2. Finding it difficult to talk about the issues when the relationship is already in a rocky place
If you and your partner have argued about the same issues over and over with no real resolve, it can feel like dangerous territory to talk about those issues again, even in a safe space such as therapy. Maybe you fear that the end result will be the same, with you and your partner on completely different pages. Or maybe you fear that talking about the issue again will be a breaking point in your relationship. Whatever your fear may be, bottom line is that those fears make it difficult to fully engage with the process of couples therapy.
3. Your partner will not come in for couples therapy.
Again, with the nature of couples therapy involving two individuals, if your partner refuses attend sessions, it is not possible for couples work to be carried out. This can be a painful place to be in – where you may be wanting to have an intentional space and time to work through the ongoing issues, whereas your partner is not interested in doing so.
4. Scheduling is challenging.
Finding a time to attend weekly therapy can be challenging even when it’s just your schedule and your therapist’s schedule to consider; adding your partner into that equation can increase that challenge, especially if your partner’s schedule looks very different from your own.
What is individual relationship therapy?
Individual relationship therapy is a space where you can fully process and work through the things that have felt painful and difficult in your romantic relationship, without having to do that in real time with your partner present. You’ll have one on one time with your therapist and won’t need to be mindful of splitting that time with your partner.
What would be the benefit of seeking individual relationship therapy over couples therapy?
1. You can process your own “stuff” in your own private space with relationship therapy.
While it’s definitely important to eventually communicate important things to your partner, maybe you’re not even sure of what you’re wanting to communicate and how to do so. You need the chance to first understand what it is that is happening internally for you, before then trying to talk through those things with your partner. Individual therapy is a great space for this – the time is completely yours and you can process your thoughts and emotions in an unfiltered way, without the presence of anyone aside from your therapist.
2. You can unpack past experiences that may be impacting the issues you’re coming across in your present-day relationship.
Although this might be semi-possible to also do in couples therapy, the nature of couples therapy can make it challenging to truly dive into your past, make sense of what you’ve been through, and identify the ways those experiences impact you today. Couples therapy is typically structured to make space for both you and your partner to process what’s happening present day in your relationship and to work towards some sort of compromise or resolve together, rather than helping one person to process their past and understand how those things are coming up present day. If your desire is to have a space to work through your past in order to better understand the present, individual relationship therapy would be the better option for you than couples therapy.
3. You can think through your current relationship issues in a different way than you’d be able to in couples therapy.
Couples therapy is extremely valuable, but can also be limiting in terms of how deeply you can process the issues that you might be coming across in your relationship. You’re sharing that space with your partner, which is helpful but can also come with other trade-offs. If you need a space to privately process the issues you’re coming across in your relationship prior to eventually communicating those things to your partner, individual relationship therapy would be a great place to start.
4. Finding a time with your therapist is easier with individual relationship therapy.
One very real logistical challenge that comes with couples therapy is the need to consider 3 individuals’ schedules: yours, your partner’s, and the therapist’s. The reality may be that it may be much more feasible to begin individual relationship therapy yourself, rather than to wait for your partner’s schedule to open up and allow for a time for you both to meet with a therapist. If you’re facing scheduling challenges as a couple, individual relationship therapy may be a better place to start.
If you’re needing more individual time to process things on your own, individual relationship therapy may be a good fit for you.
There is value in both individual relationship therapy and couples therapy. Both have their pros and cons when it comes to addressing relationship issues. If you’re wanting a space to begin processing what you’re experiencing in your relationship but don’t feel ready to do that with your partner or don’t feel that your partner is ready to do that in couples therapy with you, individual relationship therapy is a perfect place to start. You can begin unpacking things on your own.
Whether you choose to address what’s happening in your relationship via couples therapy or individual relationship therapy, it’s possible to experience real change in your relationship. You deserve a relationship that is healthy, reciprocal, and fulfilling. Therapy can be the catalyst to create that change.
I can help you foster healthy, lasting relationship skills. Click below to learn more about how to get started.
Depersonalization can be disorienting. You suddenly feel as if you are floating above your body, or somehow observing your own thoughts. It may make you feel lost, disturbed, and confused about what is real. You’re left struggling to understand what’s happening and how to regain a sense of normalcy. In this blog, you’ll learn about common symptoms of depersonalization, its causes, and ways you can learn to manage and cope with this disorienting experience.
What is Depersonalization?
Depersonalization is a dissociative experience where you sense a detachment from your own body or thoughts. It’s as if you are observing yourself from outside your own body, or feeling as if you are in a dream. You may have felt like you were standing outside observing your own thoughts or body.
Common Symptoms of Depersonalization
Symptoms of depersonalization can range but most of them leave you feeling disconnected from you own body or thoughts. Some common symptoms of depersonalization include:
A sense of observing yourself from the outside
Having a distorted sense of time
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing a dream-like state
Difficulty determining what is real or not real
Feeling detached from your physical and emotional experience
Causes of Depersonalization
Trauma
Traumatic events take a toll on your mental health. When people go through traumatic experiences, such as abuse or an accident, they can feel extreme stress. For some people, they may experience a sense of depersonalization, which can be the mind and body’s way of coping with trauma. This dissociative state enables them to manage the overwhelming emotions and experiences by distancing themselves from those difficult and unwanted emotions and experiences. This may give some relief in the short term, but it can unfortunately cause long-term difficulties.
Stress
Depersonalization is also linked to chronic stress. If our mind is put under continuous pressure, we begin to experience dissociative symptoms to protect ourselves from such unrelenting distress. This way of coping can manifest as a sense of detachment from our thoughts and body, which creates a buffer against anxiety and stress. Although this depersonalization can be relieving in the moment, it can become more persistent and begin to cause bigger problems for a person down the line where they may begin to question their own reality.
Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
Depersonalization is often associated with other mental health difficulties, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. By themselves, these conditions could have an intensifying effect on feelings of detachment as a way of coping with their emotions. For example, depression can lead to numbness and anxiety might increase the desire to disconnect from yourself or others. There is a strong association of PTSD with dissociative symptoms because for people who have experienced traumatic events, their mind and body may utilize depersonalization as an escape from their unwanted experience.
Substance Use
Substance use, particularly hallucinogens and marijuana, can lead to symptoms of depersonalization. Since these substances can influence how someone thinks and perceives their environment, they can lead experiences of detachment from oneself. Hallucinogens, in particular, can affect your sensory experiences and self-awareness which can trigger episodes of depersonalization. Furthermore, chronic abuse of these types of substances can exaggerate depersonalization symptoms, making them occur more regularly. It’s important for people experiencing depersonalization related to substance use to seek professional help to address both their substance use and dissociative symptoms.
The Impact of Depersonalization
Daily Life & Depersonalization
Depersonalization can have a number of effects when it comes to day-to-day functioning and personal life. People can often have problems concentrating, making decisions, or performing everyday activities.
Feeling detached from reality can end up leading to decreased productivity and impact performance in work or school-related activities. Simple tasks, like cooking or driving, or even being around friends and family can become overwhelming. The feeling of being on “auto-pilot” or observing life from a distance can take a lot of the pleasure out of things people once enjoyed.
Emotional Consequences & Depersonalization
Depersonalization is emotionally exhausting. The experience of detachment can heighten anxiety and depression levels. Someone experiencing depersonalization can feel imprisoned and unable to come out from the feeling of being detached from everything, including themselves. It’s a hopeless feeling. Moreover, the emotional numbing from depersonalization can block the rewards of feeling pleasure or satisfaction, thus worsening depressive symptoms. Being unable to feel, then unable to express your need for help can also exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Physical Health & Depersonalization
Depersonalization is linked with chronic stress, which can develop into more physical health issues. Recurring headaches can develop because of the constant mental strain. Stress can also lead to digestive issues, which may further lead to stomach ache, nausea, and even IBS. The long-term stress and detachment caused by depersonalization can actually weaken the immune system, making the person more vulnerable to diseases and infections. Unfortunately, people experiencing depersonalization can often feel drained because of the effect this experience can have on both their mind and bodies.
Depersonalization & Relationships
How Does Depersonalization Impact Relationships?
Depersonalization can significantly impact personal relationships. If someone is struggling with feeling detached from their emotions and experiences, engaging with loved ones becomes really tough. This type of detachment can make a partner, family member, or friend feel unimportant or overlooked. Someone experiencing depersonalization may appear unresponsive or emotionally unavailable, which can lead to a lack of authentic emotional engagement. This can be frustrating for everyone involved. It may be hard for loved ones to understand the experiences of the person with depersonalization, which further complicates matters as it brings more emotional distance and isolation.
Challenges Staying Emotionally Connected
Staying emotionally connected to others can be a major problem with depersonalization. The symptoms of numbness and detachment interferes with a genuine experience of getting to know yourself and others. Detachment often results in a lack of emotional intimacy with others because it becomes hard to share the joys and sorrows of life, or even empathize with another human being. Emotional numbness from depersonalization may become a barrier to forming and maintaining close relationships. This can gradually bring about feelings of loneliness and alienation – both for the sufferer and those around them.
Communication Issues & Social Isolation
Another area where depersonalization leaves a harsh effect is communication. Because people might feel disconnected from their experience, they often have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings. This difficulty in expression may lead to frequent misunderstandings or miscommunications, which can negatively impact relationships. The person experiencing depersonalization is perceived as indifferent, withdrawn, or unresponsive by friends and family, adding to their sense of isolation. Thus, people who go through depersonalization begin to withdraw from social situations and skip out on scenarios where they fear feeling unable to connect or communicate. It is this kind of social withdrawal that leads to isolation, creating a vicious circle of loneliness and detachment, making it even more difficult to come out of depersonalization.
Practical Tips for Managing Depersonalization
Immediate Relief from Depersonalization
Engaging the Senses with Grounding Exercises
Grounding exercises can help with depersonalization because they can bring us back to the present moment. This look like noticing something in your surroundings, focusing on textures, or even just listening to specific sounds around you. For example, you can get into the details of some plant right in front of you, focus on how your clothes feel, or listen to the birds outside. These sensory orientations help shift focus onto real tangible aspects of your life, fostering connection and presence.
Calming the Nervous System through Breathing Techniques
When you breathe deeply, your parasympathetic nervous system begins to regulate your mind and body, which can help alleviate these symptoms of dissociation. One of the ways to do this is by slowly inhaling through your nose, holding it for a few seconds, and then slowly exhaling through your mouth. You can do this a few times until you feel more centered and less alienated from both yourself and the environment around you.
Connecting with Your Body: Getting Active
Those who experience depersonalization often find that physical activity can help bring them back into their bodies. Walking, yoga, or stretching can help connect more with your body. Physical movement also helps in the release of endorphins that can naturally raise our moods and helps get us grounded into the physical sensations of the body. These effects work against the symptoms of depersonalization discussed throughout this blog.
Long-Term Relief from Depersonalization
Self-Reflection
Regularly engaging in self-reflection helps foster good mental health. When it comes to the experience of depersonalization, keeping a journal can help. Keeping records of your thoughts and feelings can help create more awareness of your emotional trends and triggers. This practice can help you to develop a better understanding of your emotions and experiences in life, ultimately helping you connect with yourself and reduce these symptoms.
Building a Support Network
A strong support system can serve as a strong resource when it comes to managing life with depersonalization. Friends and family can offer the needed emotional support to make someone less lonely and more connected. Having others around who can show support in the midst of these difficult experiences can provide a source of comfort and stability in the midst of feeling unsure and confused.
Engaging in Enjoyable Activities
Engaging in pleasurable and calming activities can have positive effects on mental health and help to relieve these symptoms. Getting and staying involved in such activities can lift your mood and provide a sense of well-being and connectedness. Whether it be painting, gardening, reading a book, or playing an instrument, engaging in activities you enjoy can help return you to the pleasure of living, while working to mitigate feelings of numbness and isolation.
Therapy for Depersonalization
Many people experiencing depersonalization can benefit from regular engagement in psychotherapy. Therapy offers a safe space where people can delve into and uncover the root causes of these symptoms, whether it has resulted from trauma or chronic stress. Trained therapists can provide support and understanding to individuals experiencing this confusing mental health issue and arm them with skills to help them navigate this complex experience. Therapy can reconnect a person to their feelings, develop strategies for managing their symptoms during these episodes, and move towards greater self-awareness and healthier relationships.
Emotional outbursts can be overwhelming. All of a sudden, you find yourself emotionally overloaded and blowing up on others. As a result, feelings of guilt, confusion, and regret flood in. Meanwhile, you’re left not knowing what to do or how to stop these moments from happening.
Emotional outbursts, often linked to emotional repression in males, are sudden intense expressions that can stem from built-up stress and societal pressures. In this blog, you’ll learn about emotional outbursts, triggers like male emotional repression, their impact, and stress management techniques for men to navigate them effectively.
What is an Emotional Outburst? Understanding Male Emotional Repression
An emotional outburst can look like a sudden episode of intense expression. It can often involve emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. This might look like shouting, crying, or physical expressions like punching. It’s normal to feel like these moments are coming out of nowhere. However, it can be helpful to try to explore the root causes of emotional outbursts. Doing this can help promote your mental health and improve your relationships. Anyone can experience these types of outbursts, but for men, there are certain stigmas and expectations related to emotional expression that might impact their understanding of this type of experience.
Emotional repression in men, where feelings are unconsciously avoided or suppressed, often leads to these outbursts. Studies show that men may use expressive suppression more than women, which can affect emotional regulation (Source). This repression, tied to toxic masculinity, discourages showing emotions other than anger, leading to bottled-up feelings that explode (Source).
Signs of an Emotional Outburst
Emotional outbursts can take many forms, but there are some common signs that often point to deeper emotional dysregulation. These signs aren’t always obvious in the moment, but recognizing them can be the first step toward change.
1. Sudden, disproportionate anger
You may find yourself reacting with intense anger to things that seem minor in hindsight—like a comment from a loved one, a small inconvenience, or a moment of stress. It’s not just the reaction—it’s how much it takes over.
2. Outbursts of yelling, crying, or shutting down
Whether it’s raised voices, tears that come without warning, or emotionally checking out, these are signs that your nervous system is overwhelmed. These responses might feel out of your control, and that’s part of the problem—they often are.
3. Aggressive or impulsive behavior
Throwing things, slamming doors, road rage, or picking fights that escalate quickly are more than just bad habits. They’re signs of unresolved emotional buildup that has nowhere else to go.
4. Physical symptoms
Tension headaches, muscle tightness, fatigue, or restless sleep can often accompany emotional outbursts. Your body may be carrying stress long before your mind is aware of it.
5. Feeling easily provoked or unable to calm down
If it feels like you’re constantly on edge or you struggle to return to a calm state after becoming upset, that’s a signal. You’re not “too sensitive” or “overreacting”—your nervous system is likely stuck in survival mode.
Benefits of Addressing Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men
Recognizing and managing emotional outbursts and repression offers key advantages for men’s emotional struggles:
Reduces physical health risks like heart disease and hypertension from chronic stress.
Improves mental health by lowering depression and anxiety linked to alexithymia, or difficulty identifying emotions (Source).
Enhances relationships through better communication and reduced conflicts.
Boosts overall well-being with effective stress relievers for men, promoting vulnerability and support-seeking.
Breaks the cycle of toxic masculinity, fostering healthier emotional expression (Source).
Quick Stress Management Techniques for Men: Handling Emotional Outbursts
[Image: Man taking deep breaths to manage emotions with alt text “Stress management techniques for men during emotional outbursts”]
Pause and Breathe: Take 5 deep breaths to calm your body before reacting. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing fight-or-flight responses.
Step Away: Remove yourself from the situation for 5-10 minutes to cool off. Use this time for a short walk as a stress reliever for men.
Move Your Body: Do a quick physical activity, like a brisk walk or push-ups, to release tension and pent-up energy from emotional repression.
Write It Down: Jot down your feelings to process them without exploding. Journaling helps men address emotional struggles privately.
Talk to Someone: Share your emotions with a trusted friend or therapist to feel supported, combating the isolation of male emotional repression.
Andrew Wong, MA therapy for depression and menEMDR therapist John Allan Whitacre in Pasadena with EMDR
3 Common Triggers for Emotional Outbursts in Men
1. Relationship Issues and Emotional Outbursts
Emotional outbursts can often result from conflicts in relationships that go uncommunicated or unresolved. Leaving things unsaid can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. An outburst might also come about if there is a lack of emotional support in your relationship. If someone you care about is unavailable, you might blow up as a means of connection. It’s also true that the end of a relationship might trigger emotional outbursts, especially if there have been feelings that remained unspoken throughout your relationship due to emotional repression.
2. Work Stress and Emotional Outbursts
Work can be a big source of stress, and the pressure to succeed and provide can easily lead to moments of emotional outbursts. This pressure can come from employers or might even be self-imposed. Regardless, these pressures can become overwhelming. Additionally, the need to provide for a family can add additional stress, and working to balance the demands of work with your own personal life can end up in emotional strain. Learning how to relieve stress for a man in high-pressure jobs is crucial.
3. Societal Pressures for Men and Emotional Outbursts
The societal expectations and demands on men to be emotionless and stoic might cause them to repress their emotions, which can eventually cause them to explode. It’s common that men may have pent-up emotions as a result of not asking for help or not opening up to others because they think these actions might be perceived as weakness due to overarching expectations from society that men should always be strong and independent, no matter what they are going through. This type of expectation can lead to chronic stress and emotional strain in both their personal and professional life (Source).
4. Mental Health Conditions and Emotional Dysregulation Sometimes, emotional outbursts aren’t just about external stressors—they may stem from untreated mental health conditions. Depression in men can often present as irritability or anger rather than sadness. Anxiety can also manifest through restlessness, tension, or a short temper. When these conditions go unrecognized or untreated, they can erode emotional regulation, increasing the chances of reactive outbursts.
5. Past Trauma and Unresolved Emotional Wounds For many men, early or unresolved trauma—whether from childhood, military service, loss, or abuse—can linger beneath the surface. Without tools to process or express that pain, it can emerge through sudden emotional intensity. Trauma doesn’t always look like flashbacks; it can show up as hypersensitivity, emotional numbness, or sudden anger that feels out of proportion to the moment.
6. Biochemical Factors and Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) Hormonal shifts or imbalances can also contribute to emotional volatility. A condition known as Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) involves mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and aggression, often linked to lower testosterone levels or chronic stress. These internal changes can make it harder to manage daily frustrations and may result in outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere.
What men tell themselves to suppress emotion
You might recognize some of these common phrases that reinforce your tendency to keep your emotions concealed:
“Stop being so sensitive”
“Don’t be a baby”
“Keep it to yourself”
“It’s not a big deal”
“Hold it together”
This fear of feeling judged or seen as weak is common for men but can build up internal pressure to keep their true emotions hidden. Constantly feeling like they need to conceal their genuine feelings in order to keep up a stoic exterior can be emotionally taxing and cause emotional outbursts. It’s like a pressure cooker: You stuff all of these emotions inside, put a lid on them, but eventually the pressure builds up, and if you have no way to slowly release them, the lid flies off, leaving an absolute mess.
pressure cooker with steam releasing from valve
Where Does This Repression Start? (Early Conditioning in Boys)
Many emotional patterns in men begin early in life. Boys often receive subtle (or explicit) messages that emotions like fear, sadness, or sensitivity aren’t acceptable. This conditioning can come from parents, peers, or teachers—phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry” become internalized over time. While these statements might seem harmless, they teach boys to disconnect from what they feel. Over the years, this disconnect turns into emotional repression—leading to a limited emotional vocabulary and a backlog of unprocessed feelings.
Recognizing these early experiences isn’t about placing blame, but understanding the roots of current struggles. Acknowledging these early influences can help break generational cycles and pave the way for emotional growth.
Why Emotional Awareness Matters for Men
Emotional awareness is the ability to notice, name, and understand what you’re feeling in the moment. For men who’ve long repressed their emotions, this can feel unfamiliar—even frustrating. But building emotional awareness is one of the most important steps in preventing outbursts.
When you can identify emotions like frustration, embarrassment, or loneliness as they arise, you have a chance to respond rather than react. This awareness creates space between a trigger and an outburst, helping you stay grounded even when overwhelmed. Over time, practicing emotional awareness leads to more meaningful conversations, stronger relationships, and better self-understanding.
The Impact of Repressing Emotions: Beyond the Outburst
Physical Health Consequences of Repressing Emotional Outbursts
Repressed emotions can cause long-term stress that raises the risk of heart disease and hypertension. Long-term repression of emotions can impair immunity, increasing susceptibility to disease. Physical manifestations of suppressed emotions include headaches, stomach issues, and persistent discomfort (Source).
Mental Health Consequences of Emotional Outbursts
Repressing emotions can lead to increased depression, anxiety, and burnout, exacerbating men’s emotional struggles. It may contribute to alexithymia, making it hard to identify feelings, and heighten the risk of substance abuse as a coping mechanism (Source).
Relationship Consequences of Emotional Outbursts
Frequent outbursts from repression can strain relationships, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and breakdowns in communication. Partners may feel unsafe or unsupported, worsening isolation for repressed men.
How Partners and Loved Ones Can Support Men Through Repression
Healing emotional repression isn’t just an individual journey—it’s relational. Partners, family, and close friends can play a key role in creating space for healthier expression. If you’re supporting a man who struggles with emotional outbursts, here’s what helps:
Stay calm when emotions run high. Reacting defensively often escalates things.
Encourage open-ended questions like “What’s really bothering you?” rather than making assumptions.
Avoid shaming or minimizing emotional expression, even if it feels unfamiliar.
Affirm that expressing pain or frustration doesn’t make someone weak—it makes them human.
Supporting men in expressing their emotions safely builds trust and invites more vulnerability over time.
Emotional Outbursts vs. Professional Help: When to Seek Therapy
While self-help techniques like stress relievers for men are useful for mild issues, persistent emotional outbursts or deep repression warrant professional help. Therapy can address root causes safely. For more insights, visit Psychology Today.
It’s time we rethink what it means to be “strong.” Traditional definitions of masculinity often prize emotional stoicism—but at the cost of mental and relational well-being. Real strength lies in knowing yourself, being open about what’s happening inside, and making space for emotions that feel difficult.
At Here Counseling, we believe that embracing vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s leadership. When men model honest emotional expression, they don’t just heal themselves—they also create ripple effects for the people around them, including their children, partners, and communities.
How Therapy Helps with Men’s Emotional Struggles
Therapy provides a safe space to explore repressed emotions, learn healthy expression, and develop stress management techniques for men. At Here Counseling, our therapists specialize in helping men navigate emotional repression and outbursts for better mental health and relationships. Schedule today!
FAQ: Common Questions About Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men
What is emotional repression in males?
Emotional repression in males involves unconsciously avoiding or suppressing feelings due to societal expectations, leading to built-up stress and potential outbursts (Source).
Why do guys shut down emotionally?
Guys often shut down emotionally due to toxic masculinity norms that view vulnerability as weakness, causing repression and isolation (Source).
What are men’s emotional struggles?
Men’s emotional struggles include repression, difficulty expressing feelings, societal pressure to be stoic, and resulting issues like depression or outbursts (Source).
How to relieve stress for a man?
To relieve stress for a man, try physical activity, journaling, deep breathing, or talking to a trusted person—key stress relievers for men facing repression.
What’s the difference between emotional repression and suppression?
Repression is unconscious avoidance of emotions, while suppression is a conscious choice to hold them back; both can lead to outbursts in men (Source).
It’s likely that the relationship issue you’re experiencing right now is one of 3 common dysfunctional patterns most couples deal with. Many clients come in to therapy in order to address the issues they are facing in their relationships. Yet when a client of mine starts talking about the issue they’re having in their relationship, they don’t often know what the real problem is. They may not know when the problem began or just how the problem has gotten worse over time. Yet, it’s likely that one of 3 common dysfunctional relationship patterns is impacting the relationship. In this article, I’m going to describe the 3 main dysfunctional patterns that might be impacting your relationship.
Step 1: Identify the areas of your relationship that have felt difficult and strained.
This is a great starting point to understand which dysfunctional relationship patterns are impacting you. Some common problem areas within relationships include:
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #1: COMMUNICATION
Does it feel as though every time you and your partner enter a conversation, it ends in arguments and misunderstandings? Or maybe the conversation feels one way – your partner doing all the talking but not also taking the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps open and honest conversation has stopped altogether. These are common scenarios that exist within dysfunctional relationships.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #2: TRUST
Do you always feel suspicious or uneasy about your partner’s whereabouts, who they might be with, and what they might be doing? When your partner communicates something to you, does it feel hard to believe their word? Have you gotten to the point where you are anticipating feeling disappointed or hurt by their actions and behaviors? All of these things might point to issues around trust.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #3: FINANCES
Finances can be difficult to manage as just one person, and can be even more difficult when you are partnered. Do you feel as though you are taking on more of the financial burden? Have you had conversations around how to split shared expenses? Have those agreements been honored on both ends? Is money used to brush other problems under the rug? Money is a tricky topic and can lead to issues within intimate relationships.
Step 2: Acknowledge the dysfunctional relationship pattern and the healthier pattern you’d like to move towards.
It’s not uncommon for two people who are coming together to have moments when they miss each other. However, without having conversations about these moments, those misses and misunderstandings can be perpetuated, which is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunctional patterns.
Sit down and spend some intentional alone time to think about the patterns that currently exist in the parts of your relationship that feel difficult and strained. Then dream about how you actually want those parts of your relationship to feel. Do you want to be able to have productive, reciprocal conversations with your partner? Do you want to have equal time and space to express your thoughts and feelings? What are the moments that have led you to not trust your partner? What do you both need in order to work towards rebuilding that trust? Have your financial agreements not been upheld? How can you both hold yourself to the financial boundaries you’ve agreed upon?
Step 3: Take time to create new relationship patterns
Just as these dysfunctional patterns developed over time, it will also take time to develop healthier ones. Being patient but also intentional is what leads to building healthier patterns and habits.
It can also be helpful to have an outside perspective who can support you in identifying the patterns that currently exist and working towards new ones. If you’re finding it hard or overwhelming or depressing to work towards change in your relationship, reach out for help – having an intentional space in therapy to reflect on your relationship and the change you want to work towards is one way to change the pattern you’re currently in with your partner.
Couples therapy is a lot like growing a garden. Isn’t it funny when you plant a garden with daisy seeds and along with daisies, a few daffodils pop up? This kind of surprise happens all the time in couples counseling. You come in with a specific relational issue, and then along the way, other issues arise that impact the big picture. Like producing a flourishing garden, it takes thoughtful steps to ensure productive growth in couples counseling. You may find unexpected blooms in the process!
Step 1: Building honesty in couples therapy
A relationship is like a garden, and it needs to have the right conditions in place so that both partners can thrive. Just as you would measure out a garden bed that maximizes exposure to sunlight and water, in couples counseling you must set the stage for safety and honest communication. It’s important to talk about the conditions that foster productive communication and the conditions that trigger conflict. In this stage, we work on setting the parameters for healthy discussion and we build a functional system where couples work is fruitful.
Step 2: Use what’s working in your relationship
When you grow a garden, you choose to plant seeds that will flourish in the setting you have created. Similarly, when you work in couples counseling you draw on what is working in the relationship to help you through the tougher moments. The strengths of each partner are highlighted and utilized to ground the relationship in respect and compassion.
Step 3: Couples therapy is a success when you build your understanding and empathy, not “bashing”
In couples counseling, we talk about our partners to understand ourselves. It is not the place where we just complain about each other. In couples therapy, we talk about how we struggle with aspects of ourselves that bump up against qualities of our partner. We shine light on our own pain points while we nourish our partner’s hurt as well. In the garden of partnership, we become the sun and rain that help the seeds of discomfort grow into beautiful buds.
Consider the seasons in couples therapy
As the garden changes when spring turns to summer, so does the partnership as each partner grows over a lifetime. Couples therapy is always there for partners to return to the landscape of their relationship. You can re-enrich the soil of your love or weed out the things that no longer serve or support growth. It’s never to late to implement new nurturing techniques to bring vitality and joy to togetherness.
If you would like to find out more about working in couples therapy with me, please reach out.
