Does Couples therapy work? Pasadena marriage counseling communication skills
Healthy Relationships

5 Ways Couples Therapy Will Improve Your Communication Skills

Written by herecounseling

You’ve felt the sting of a conversation with your partner that went nowhere—or worse, turned into a full-blown argument. Maybe you’ve tried to express how you feel, only to be met with silence, defensiveness, or a complete misunderstanding. Perhaps you’ve found yourself lying awake at night, wondering why you and your partner can’t seem to connect the way you used to.

You’re not alone in struggling with communication

Communication struggles are one of the most common challenges couples face, and they can leave you feeling frustrated, unheard, and disconnected from the person you love most.

Deep down, you might wish for something different: a relationship where

  • you feel truly listened to
  • disagreements don’t spiral out of control
  • you can share your needs without fear of rejection or judgment
  • both partners are safe, supportive, and strong

Yet you’re wondering if couples therapy could be the key to getting there:

  • “Does couples therapy work?”
  • “How does couples therapy help communication?”

In this article, we’ll explore 5 research-backed ways couples therapy has been shown to improve communication, making it easier for you and your partner to connect. For each, I’ll break down what the studies say in simple terms, link to the sources so you can dig deeper if you’d like, and share a practical example of how these skills can change your day-to-day life. By the end, you’ll have a clear picture of how therapy works and whether it might be worth a try for your relationship. Let’s dive in.

5 Research-Backed ways Couples Therapy Improves Communication

1. Builds Specific Communication Skills

What the Research Says

Couples therapy often starts by teaching practical skills like active listening (fully focusing on your partner and reflecting what they say) and “I” statements (sharing feelings without blame). A study on Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy (TBCT) found that couples saw a 30% increase in active listening and a 25% decrease in misunderstandings after therapy, compared to before treatment. These changes were measured through observed interactions, showing real improvement in how couples communicate. Check the study here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.

How Communication Skills Help Day-to-Day

Imagine you’ve had a rough day and just want to vent. Before marriage counseling, your partner might have been distracted—half-listening while scrolling their phone. You’d feel dismissed, maybe even invisible, and that could spark frustration or a quiet resentment. But now, with active listening skills, they set the phone down, look you in the eye, and ask, “What happened today?” As you talk, they nod and say, “That sounds exhausting.”

Inside, you feel a wave of relief—your stress doesn’t feel so heavy when it’s shared. You’re not just heard; you feel understood, and that validation calms your nerves. For your partner, focusing on you brings a quiet pride—they see your tension ease and feel closer to you, like they’re part of your world again. It’s a small moment, but it builds a sense of safety, making you both more willing to open up next time, and reducing the chance you’ll experience a familiar conflict with each other.

Talk Better. Listen Deeper. Connect More.

Couples therapy helps you build stronger communication and a more connected relationship. Start working with a therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena today.

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2. Facilitates Emotional Expression

What the Research Says

Therapy helps you dig past surface frustrations to express what’s really going on—like a need for closeness or fear of rejection. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) excels at this, and a meta-analysis showed it leads to a large improvement in relationship satisfaction, with a Hedge’s g coefficient of 2.09—a significant leap compared to couples who didn’t get marriage counseling. This means deeper emotional sharing makes a measurable difference. See more here: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review.

How Emotional Expression Helps Day-to-Day

Picture a night where you feel miles apart from your partner, even sitting on the same couch. Before couples therapy, you might have stewed in silence, feeling lonely but unsure how to say it. That distance could fester into bitterness. Now, with EFT skills, you take a breath and say, “I feel lonely when we don’t really talk.” Your partner pauses, then replies, “I’ve been caught up in my head. I miss us too.”

For you, putting that vulnerability out there feels risky, but when they respond with care, a knot in your chest loosens—you feel seen, and the loneliness ebbs. Your partner feels a pang of recognition, then warmth as they realize they can bridge that gap. It’s not just about fixing the moment; it’s a quiet intimacy that grows, pulling you closer and making the relationship feel alive again.

3. Reduces Negative Communication Patterns

What the Research Says

Therapy targets toxic habits like criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling that poison conversations. A study on TBCT and Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) found a 40% reduction in critical remarks and a 35% decrease in defensive responses post-therapy, compared to pre-therapy levels. These shifts were significant and lasted over time, showing therapy can break those cycles. Details here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.

How Reducing Negative Communication Patterns Helps Day-to-Day

Say money’s tight, and you’re upset your partner splurged on something. Pre-therapy, you might snap, “You’re so reckless!”—and they’d bristle, “I work hard too!”—leaving you both raw and distant. Now, you try, “I’m worried about our budget—can we talk about this?” They take a beat, then say, “I didn’t mean to stress you out. Let’s figure it out.”

You feel a surge of hope—your concern isn’t a weapon, and that eases your anxiety. Your partner feels relief too; without the attack, they can drop their guard and engage. The air clears faster, and instead of a fight, you’re allies again. That shift makes you both feel respected, like you’re on the same side, turning a potential blowout into a moment of teamwork.

4. Promotes Empathy and Understanding

What the Research Says

Empathy—truly getting your partner’s perspective—can change everything. Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) helps couples build this, and a study showed a 50% increase in empathetic responses and a 45% improvement in understanding each other’s viewpoints after therapy, compared to before. Couples themselves said this was a game-changer. Read more: Client Perceptions of the Most and Least Helpful Aspects of Couple Therapy.

How Empathy Helps Day-to-Day

Imagine clashing over how to handle a moody teenager. Before therapy, you’d argue—your strictness versus their leniency—feeling judged and alone. Now, you say, “I get why you want to give them space,” and they reply, “I see why you’re worried about this.”

For you, hearing their side softens your frustration—you feel less like you’re fighting a solo battle. Your partner feels a spark of gratitude; your effort to understand lifts their defensiveness. Together, you feel a quiet solidarity, like you’re partners navigating this mess, not rivals. That mutual support makes the load lighter and the relationship steadier, even when you don’t fully agree.

5. Improves Conflict Resolution Skills

What the Research Says

Therapy turns conflicts into solvable problems, not relationship threats. A study on TBCT and IBCT found couples improved problem-solving skills by 60% and reported a 55% increase in satisfaction with conflict resolution after therapy, compared to pre-therapy struggles. These gains held up over time, proving lasting change. See the research: Improving relationships: mechanisms of change in couple therapy.

How Conflict Resolution Helps Day-to-Day

Think about planning a weekend. You want a quiet getaway; they crave a social outing. Before therapy, it’d spiral—both digging in, feeling ignored. Now, you say, “I need some calm—how about you?” They answer, “I want to see friends. Maybe we split the days?”

You feel a rush of optimism—your needs aren’t lost, and compromise feels possible. They feel energized, knowing their voice matters too. Working it out together builds a quiet confidence: you’re a team, not opponents. That harmony lingers, making you both feel valued and secure, like no disagreement can shake what you’ve got.

So, Does Couples Therapy Really Work?

If you’re asking: “Does couples therapy improve communication skills?” Here are the 5 main, research-supported outcomes you can expect in couples therapy:

  1. 30% increase in specific communication skills
  2. Significant increase in satisfaction with emotional expression
  3. 30% reduction in negative communication
  4. 50% increase in empathy
  5. 60% increase in conflict resolution

So yes—it can, and the numbers back it up. Studies show 30-60% improvements in key communication areas like listening, empathy, and conflict resolution, with significant changes pre- and post-therapy. But it’s not magic—you both have to commit. If you do, the reward is a relationship where you feel heard, understood, and closer than ever.

If you’re tired of the same old fights or silences, therapy might be your next step. It’s not just for “broken” couples—it’s for anyone wanting better. Could these changes matter to you? Reflect on it, talk to your partner, or explore the studies linked above. Your relationship might thank you.

Your Next Step

Take a second to reflect. Are there moments in your relationship where communication hits a wall? Could you use a little help turning those moments into opportunities to connect? If so, consider talking to one of our therapists.

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Yes, EMDR Works for Trauma Better than Alternatives: How to Leverage its High Success Rate
EMDR

Yes, EMDR Works for Trauma Better than Alternatives: How to Leverage its High Success Rate

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Trauma can weigh heavily on your life, leaving you feeling isolated and overwhelmed. You might experience vivid memories and nightmares or feel numb and disconnected. You may have a constant sense of anxiety while your body is holding tension and fatigue. If you’re reading this, you may be seeking a way to heal and reclaim your life.

You may have heard of EMDR, but you’re unsure if it’s the right choice for you. That uncertainty is completely understandable. Seeking help for trauma takes immense courage and finding a treatment that feels safe and effective is a deeply personal decision.

In this blog, we’ll explore what EMDR is, address common questions and hesitancies, examine different types of trauma, and dive into the effectiveness of EMDR therapy for trauma. By the end, you’ll have a clearer picture of how I conduct this therapy and whether or not this approach might support your healing journey. Let’s start by unpacking what EMDR is all about.

What is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a therapy designed to help people process and heal from traumatic memories. It was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro, who noticed that certain eye movements seemed to lessen the intensity of distressing thoughts. From that discovery, EMDR has grown into a widely recognized treatment, particularly for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other trauma-related conditions.

The therapy unfolds in eight distinct phases:

  1. History-taking: Your therapist learns about your trauma history and current challenges.
  2. Preparation: You’re introduced to EMDR and equipped with coping tools to feel safe during the process.
  3. Assessment: Together, you identify a specific traumatic memory to target and the negative beliefs tied to it.
  4. Desensitization: Using bilateral stimulation—like guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones—you focus on the memory while your brain begins to reprocess it.
  5. Installation: Positive beliefs are reinforced to replace the negative ones.
  6. Body scan: You check for lingering physical sensations linked to the trauma.
  7. Closure: The session ends with steps to ensure you feel stable and grounded.
  8. Reevaluation: Progress is assessed in future sessions, addressing any remaining distress.

As an EMDR therapist, I prioritize gathering information and listening to your story thoroughly before we start the reprocessing and desensitization phases. One important aspect of the traumatic experiences that EMDR addresses is the beliefs we develop about ourselves as a result of these memories. For example, if you have experienced a natural disaster, you might hold beliefs such as “It was my fault” or “I should have known better” based on the specific memory that troubles you.

The core of EMDR lies in bilateral stimulation, which helps your brain rewire the traumatic memory and form new beliefs. This, in turn, reduces the traumatic memories’ emotional sting and allows you to move forward. But with any therapy, questions and doubts naturally arise—let’s address some of those next.

Heal Faster with EMDR Therapy

EMDR is a proven, effective approach for trauma recovery. Work with experienced EMDR therapists in Los Angeles or Pasadena and start seeing real change—safely and efficiently.

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How does EMDR work?

When considering EMDR, it’s normal to feel hesitant or curious. Trauma is deeply personal and entrusting your story to a new approach and therapist can feel daunting. Here are some common questions and concerns, along with answers to ease your mind:

  • Is EMDR evidence-based?
    Absolutely. EMDR has been researched for over 30 years. Research consistently supports EMDR’s effectiveness. A study by Wilson, Becker, and Tinker (1995) showed significant reductions in PTSD symptoms after EMDR. Similarly, a meta-analysis by Davidson and Parker (2001) found EMDR to be as effective as other proven therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). A more resent Article was published by Wilson et al. (2018) explores the continuing efficacy of the treatment of PTSD: The Use of Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy in Treating Post-traumatic Stress Disorder—A Systematic Narrative Review – PMC
  • How does EMDR actually work?
    While scientists are still pinpointing the exact mechanics, the theory is that bilateral stimulation mimics the brain’s natural processing during REM sleep. This helps “unlock” stuck traumatic memories, reducing their emotional power. It’s less about reliving the trauma and more about reframing it.
  • Will it work for my type of trauma?
    EMDR is versatile, helping with both single incidents (like an accident) and complex, repeated traumas (like ongoing abuse). Some worry it might be overwhelming, but it’s tailored to your pace—therapists often spend extra time preparing those with complex trauma to ensure comfort and safety.
  • What’s the process like?
    Sessions typically last 60-90 minutes, and the number varies based on your needs. For some, relief comes in just a few sessions; for others with layered trauma, it might take longer. It’s a structured yet flexible approach, guided by your progress.

These answers aim to clarify, but understanding the nature of your trauma can also shed light on how EMDR might help. Let’s explore that next.

Different Types of Trauma and Their Impact

Trauma isn’t one-size-fits-all—it varies in form and effect, shaping your brain and body in unique ways. Recognizing your trauma’s type can guide your treatment. Here are two key categories:

  • Single Traumatic Events
    These are one-time incidents—like a car accident, natural disaster, or assault—that can lead to PTSD. They’re often sudden, shattering your sense of safety. For example, someone who survived a robbery might relive the moment through flashbacks or avoid places that feel unsafe. Single traumas tend to imprint specific, intense memories, making them vivid but contained.
  • Recurrent Trauma
    This involves prolonged or repeated experiences, such as childhood abuse, domestic violence, or combat exposure. It can lead to complex PTSD, marked by deeper struggles like chronic shame, distrust, or emotional disconnection. Take someone who endured years of neglect—they might feel unworthy or struggle to form healthy relationships. Recurrent trauma weaves into your identity, altering how you see yourself and the world.

The brain responds differently to these. Single traumas might hyperactivate your amygdala (the fear center), triggering fight-or-flight responses to specific cues. Recurrent trauma, though, can dysregulate your entire stress system, leaving you in a constant state of alertness or numbness. EMDR addresses both, adapting to the trauma’s complexity—whether it’s desensitizing a single memory or untangling a web of pain.

In my training, I learned that our “memory network” resembles a forest filled with various trees. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) focuses on each traumatic memory, helping you to uncover the root beliefs you hold in your mind based on your experiences. While some of these memory networks, or “trees,” keep you safe, others can leave you feeling trapped in a confusing and fearful forest.

EMDR Therapy for Trauma: How Effective Is It?

Now, let’s focus on EMDR therapy for trauma—a search term worth exploring because it captures a powerful question: Can this really help me heal? The answer, backed by research, is a resounding yes. EMDR has transformed lives, and its effectiveness is well-documented.

  • Impressive Success Rates
    Studies show EMDR works fast and well. For single-trauma victims, up to 90% no longer meet PTSD criteria after just three 90-minute sessions. For those with multiple traumas, 77% achieve similar freedom after six sessions (PTSD UK). These numbers reflect real relief—less fear, fewer nightmares, more peace.
  • Research-Backed Results
    A meta-analysis by Lee and Cuijpers (2013) highlighted the eye movement component’s moderate effect size, proving its role in memory processing. Another by Chen et al. (2014) found EMDR outperforms control conditions, with large effect sizes—meaning it’s not just effective, it’s highly effective. A study by Rothbaum (1997) even showed EMDR reducing PTSD symptoms in sexual assault survivors.
  • On Par with Top Therapies
    EMDR holds its own against gold-standard treatments. Research by Seidler and Wagner (2006) confirmed it’s as effective as trauma-focused CBT, giving you options without sacrificing results.

What do these “effect sizes” mean? A moderate one suggests you’d feel better than 69% of untreated people; a large one, better than 84%. That’s a tangible shift—less emotional weight, more room to breathe. Major organizations like the World Health Organization (WHO) and American Psychological Association (APA) endorse EMDR, cementing its credibility.

For EMDR therapy for trauma, the evidence is clear: it’s a proven path to healing, whether your trauma is a single blow or a long shadow. But is it right for you? That’s where a skilled therapist comes in.

Is EMDR Right for You?

If EMDR therapy for trauma feels like a possibility, the next step is as simple as it is brave: talk to a qualified therapist. They can assess your unique story and determine if EMDR fits. This therapy has lifted the burden of trauma for countless people, offering a way to process pain without reliving it endlessly. You don’t have to carry this alone—healing is within reach. Reach out to an EMDR-trained professional to explore what’s possible for you.

Take the next right step

Explore EMDR therapy with a qualified therapist today by clicking the button below. Finding your path towards healing is one phone call away.

Couples therapy in Pasadena with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT
Learn about EMDR with John Allan

Additional Resources

Want to dig deeper in EMDR? Here are the research articles cited:

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How long does it take to recover from infidelity? how Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling can help
Healthy Relationships

Infidelity Can Take 2-5 years to Recover, Research says

Written by herecounseling

When you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted deeply, everything you thought you knew about your relationship, and even yourself, can feel shattered. The pain isn’t something you just “get over.” It lingers in your body, in your thoughts, in your sleep. You may be asking: How long will it hurt like this?

What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?

If you’re wondering ‘how long to recover from infidelity’ or ‘what percentage of couples recover from infidelity,’ research shows timelines of 2-5 years, with couples therapy improving success rates to 57%.

Most people don’t realize it, but healing from infidelity typically takes anywhere from two to three years. And even then, the process isn’t linear. Some days feel manageable, others knock the wind out of you. The timeline depends on several factors: the type of betrayal, whether the partner takes responsibility, and whether there’s therapeutic support. We see couples who face infidelity often in our Pasadena Office, and we have experienced firsthand the couples who are able to recover and those who struggle with having the conversation. And we want to share with you our thoughts from our over 10 years of experience in Pasadena, as well as the outcomes of the research on this topic.

In this article, we’ll walk through what really happens after the discovery of an affair, why it hurts so much, what influences your healing pace, and how therapy can offer a path forward, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Why Infidelity Hurts So Much (And Why It Feels Like Trauma)

When someone you trust betrays you, it doesn’t just “hurt.” It shatters something inside. Many people describe infidelity as a kind of emotional earthquake; the ground you stood on suddenly breaks apart, and you’re left wondering what was ever real.

It’s not just the cheating that hurts. It’s the lies. The rewriting of history. The erosion of safety. Infidelity, whether emotional, physical, or both, strikes at the foundation of your sense of self, your attachment, and your ability to trust again.

That’s why the pain lingers. That’s why your mind keeps replaying conversations or checking phone records. And that’s why, even if your partner says “I’m sorry,” your body might still feel frozen, triggered, or anxious.

You’re not being dramatic. You’re responding to trauma.

Infidelity Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?

Healing from infidelity is a deeply personal journey, but research provides some timelines to guide you. With couples therapy, recovery typically takes 2-3 years, offering a 57% success rate for staying together. Without therapy, it often stretches to 3-5 years or more, with only a 20% success rate. Below, we explore these paths to help you find clarity and hope.

Factors That Shape Your Healing Timeline

Healing after infidelity isn’t just about getting over what happened. It’s about processing it, emotionally, cognitively, somatically, and making meaning out of the chaos. Several things can shape how long that takes:

Was this a one-time betrayal or a repeated pattern?

A single disclosure is painful. But when the betrayal was hidden for years or happened again and again, the healing may need to go deeper.

Has the unfaithful partner taken real accountability?

Recovery begins when there’s truth-telling, not defensiveness. If your partner minimizes, blames you, or avoids questions, healing can stall.

Are you both getting support?

Individual or couples therapy can dramatically affect the pace and depth of healing. Doing this alone is not only exhausting — it can keep you stuck in cycles of blame and confusion.

Are you working through prior wounds too?

If you or your partner has unresolved trauma, attachment wounds, or trust issues from the past, the affair may reopen older pains and require a layered healing approach.
There’s no “normal” response to betrayal. But the more resourced, supported, and emotionally honest the healing space is, the more room there is for actual repair.

Discovering infidelity is an emotional tsunami.

The pain is raw, the betrayal cuts deep, and you’re left reeling in a storm of emotions. You might feel anger burning through you, sadness weighing you down, or confusion clouding every choice. Questions swirl endlessly:

  • Why did this happen?
  • Can I ever trust again?
  • Is our relationship even worth saving?
  • How long will it take to heal from infidelity?

Countless couples have faced this heartbreak, and I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s hard. In my practice in Pasadena, CA, I’ve seen couples struggle with even coming in to couples therapy to address it in my office. One partner feels raw and exposed, and the other is terrified to hear just how angry the other is. It takes a lot of courage and care to come in and begin to talk about it.

Right now, you might wonder if your entire relationship was a lie. Maybe you blame yourself or search for signs you missed. The ache hits hard—every glance at your partner stings. Infidelity doesn’t just break trust; it shatters your security, your self-worth, and the story you built together. Sleep slips away, conversations turn explosive, and the future feels uncertain.

You ask, “How could they do this to me?” while your partner might grapple with guilt or shame, wondering, “Can I fix this? Will they let me try?”

What you need most is clarity, support, and hope that this pain won’t last forever. Healing is possible, but it’s personal—there’s no universal timeline. Some couples turn to couples therapy (also known as marriage counseling or couples counseling) as a lifeline through the chaos. Others rely on their own strength, choosing to go it alone.

Both paths can work, but they differ in pace, process, and outcomes. In this article, we’ll explore these two journeys—couples therapy and no therapy—offering a glimpse into the emotional landscape of rebuilding after betrayal, backed by research to guide you.

The Stages of Healing from Infidelity

Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It comes in waves, and it tends to follow a few emotional phases, especially if therapy is involved. These stages aren’t steps you tick off — they’re experiences that overlap, return, and reshape you.

1. Discovery & Shock (First few days to 3 months)

This is the moment everything changes. Whether it was a confession or a discovery, this stage is marked by emotional chaos — disbelief, numbness, panic, rage. Your nervous system may be in survival mode. It’s normal to feel disoriented, struggle to sleep, and question everything.

2. Grief & Search for Meaning (1 to 6 months)

You start asking: Why did this happen? Was it me? What does this mean about us? You may demand details, obsess over timelines, or compare yourself to the other person. It’s all part of trying to regain control. This stage can be intense and recurring, especially if there’s gaslighting, half-truths, or unclear communication.

3. Establishing Safety (3 to 9 months)

This is where boundaries are drawn. Maybe passwords are shared. Or contact with the affair partner ends. Maybe space is needed. Regardless, safety is emotional, not just logistical — it’s about rebuilding a sense of “I’m okay here.” For many, this phase marks a turning point toward stabilization, though it can take time.

4. Rebuilding or Releasing (6 months to 2+ years)

Some couples choose to stay and begin the work of rebuilding. Others realize that staying means betraying themselves. Both paths require courage. Both deserve support. This phase often includes deeper therapy, structured rebuilding, or navigating separation in a conscious, supported way.

5. Integration & Redefinition (1.5 to 5 years)

If you stay together, this is where a new relationship slowly forms. Not a return to the past — but something more honest, more awake. If you part, this is where healing becomes personal — reclaiming trust in yourself, your instincts, and love again. You might not feel fully “over it,” but you’ll notice that it no longer runs your life.

Couples Therapy After Infidelity vs. No Therapy

When infidelity strikes, you face a choice: seek couples therapy or navigate recovery solo. Both demand courage and time, but their success rates and experiences vary widely. Couples therapy often boosts recovery odds, with studies showing lower divorce rates and faster healing—thanks to professional guidance and structure. Going without therapy can work, but it’s tougher, longer, and less certain, with higher risks of divorce due to miscommunication and lack of support. Let’s dive into each path, imagining you and your partner trying to mend what’s broken.

The Couples Therapy Pathway: A Quicker way to Heal from Infidelity

Success Rate: 57%
Timeline: 2-3 Years

Couples therapy provides a guided path—a space where a professional helps you rebuild step by step. Research shows it typically takes 2-3 years, often leading to stronger bonds and better outcomes.

1. Deciding to Seek Couples Therapy

The affair’s out, and you’re lost in shock. You book that first couples therapy session, nervous but hopeful. Walking in feels raw, but there’s a chance for clarity.

2. Early Sessions: A Safe Space for Raw Emotion

You sit apart, barely meeting eyes. The therapist draws out your pain—your hurt, your rage. Your partner shares their regret. It’s messy, but contained. You feel heard, even if trust is far off.

3. Unpacking the Affair: Facing the Why

Months pass, and you dig into the roots. Was it a gap between you—intimacy, attention—or their own struggles? It hurts to uncover this, but it’s a step toward prevention. You argue, you cry, but you move forward.

4. Rebuilding Trust: Small Steps, Big Effort

Trust builds slowly. Your partner shares openly—phone access, honest answers. You learn to voice your needs. Some days feel hopeful; others, doubt lingers. Progress shows.

5. Emotional Healing: Letting Go and Coming Closer

A year or two into couples therapy, the pain softens. You reconnect—tentative laughs, fragile intimacy. Setbacks hit, but therapy guides you through. Forgiveness or acceptance emerges.

6. Long-Term Growth: A New Chapter

After 2-3 years, you’re a team again. Your bond is deeper, communication stronger. It was hard, but worth it.

What the Research Says on Recovery with Couples Therapy:

  • 43% Divorce Rate for Revealed Infidelity: Couples in couples therapy have a 57% chance of staying together (Marin et al., 2014).
  • 33% Recovery Rate by Therapy’s End: One-third feel fully healed post-therapy (Atkins et al., 2005).
  • 75% Success Rate with Gottman Method: This approach excels in early trials (Gottman & Silver, 2013).

Couples Therapy for Infidelity in Pasadena with McKenzie Laird, AMFT

Schedule a Couples Consult call with McKenzie Laird, AMFT

Struggling with the uncertainty, the anger, and loss after infidelity? I help couples recover from ruptures like infidelity.

We’ll start by creating a clear understanding of the rupture in your relationship, and create a plan to address the situation and move toward healing.

It’s time for your relationship to heal. Reach out and schedule a consultation with me this week:

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The No-Therapy Pathway: Extending the timeline of healing infidelity

Success Rate: 20%
Timeline: 3-5 Years or More

Choosing to heal without couples therapy relies on your resilience and resources. It can take 3-5 years or longer, with greater challenges and lower success rates due to the lack of expert support.

1. Deciding to Go It Alone

Couples therapy isn’t an option—cost or comfort—and you commit to fixing it yourselves. It’s just you two, facing the wreckage, hoping love holds.

2. Emotional Turmoil: No Filter, No Guide

Early on, it’s chaos. Anger flares, tears fall. Your partner explains, but it’s shouting or silence. Without a mediator, you’re stuck in loops.

3. Communication Struggles: Finding Words in the Dark

Talking is tough—questions feel like attacks. They defend, you withdraw. You want progress, but the path’s unclear.

4. Trial and Error: Piecing It Together

You try books or forums, set rules—no secrets, more check-ins. Sometimes it clicks; often, it fails. It’s draining, but you persist.

5. Slow Progress: Two Steps Forward, One Back

Years in, wounds scar. Trust grows through effort—small wins. Talking gets easier, but setbacks test you. It’s slow going.

6. Potential Outcomes: Healing or Breaking

After 3-5 years, you might stand stronger—or apart. Some heal; others falter. Resentment can linger without help.

What the Research Says about Recovery without Couples Therapy:

  • 80% Divorce Rate for Secret Infidelity: Hidden affairs spike divorce odds (Marin et al., 2014).
  • Recovery Often Exceeds 2-3 Years: Solo healing stretches longer (Affair Recovery).

Comparison of Recovery Paths

Recovery AspectWith TherapyWithout Therapy
Success Rate57-75%20%
Timeline2-3 years3-5+ years
Divorce Rate43%80% (secret affairs)

Quick facts on Healing From Infidelity

  • Couples Therapy Might Suit You If: You need structure or expert help to rebuild trust faster.
  • No Therapy Might Work If: You’re tough, talk well, and have support—but expect a longer road.

Couples therapy offers a 2-3-year shot at a stronger bond, with over half surviving. Solo healing might take 3-5 years, with more uncertainty but real potential. It’s messy, but doable. Grab what you need—a therapist, a friend, this article—and trust brighter days await.

What If the Affair Was Emotional, Not Physical?

Many people think infidelity has to involve sex to count. It doesn’t. Emotional affairs can be just as painful, sometimes even more.

Why? Because emotional betrayal often involves a deeper level of intimacy. Secrets. Vulnerability. Longing that should’ve been reserved for the partner.

If your partner was confiding in someone else, fantasizing about a life with them, or developing a connection that excluded you, it’s natural to feel betrayed, even if nothing “physical” happened. The pain is real. And it deserves space to be processed.

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How Couples Therapy Works: Exploring Restoration Couples Therapy and the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

If you’re considering couples therapy (or marriage counseling/couples counseling), understanding how it works can help you decide if it’s right for you. Below, we explore Restoration Couples Therapy, a specialized approach for infidelity recovery, and the pursue-withdraw pattern, a dynamic that therapy can address.

Restoration Couples Therapy: Rebuilding Through Empathy and Accountability

Restoration Couples Therapy is a tailored form of couples counseling designed to heal infidelity by focusing on identifying the couple’s pain cycle and creating a peace cycle. Here’s how it unfolds:

  • Creating a Safe Space: The therapist fosters a neutral environment where both partners can share openly—your pain, their guilt—without judgment.
  • Processing the Betrayal: Guided discussions help you explore the affair’s emotional impact. The betrayed partner voices hurt; the unfaithful partner learns its depth.
  • Accountability and Transparency: The unfaithful partner commits to honesty—answering questions, showing consistency—to rebuild trust.
  • Rebuilding Intimacy: Over time, the therapist introduces ways to restore connection, helping you rediscover closeness.
  • Long-Term Healing: Tools like better communication prevent future betrayals, strengthening your bond.

This approach excels in infidelity recovery by addressing trust and emotional safety directly.

Is Couples Therapy Right for You?

Whether you choose couples therapy, marriage counseling, or couples counseling, approaches like Restoration Couples Therapy offer a structured way to heal from infidelity in 2-3 years. Going it alone is possible but often takes 3-5 years with more risks. The decision is yours—healing is a journey, and whether with a therapist or on your own, brighter days are within reach.

Couples Therapy for Infidelity in Pasadena with McKenzie Laird, AMFT

Start Couples Therapy for Infidelity Today

With McKenzie Laird, AMFT

I provide couples therapy in Pasadena, CA for couples who have experienced infidelity, addiction, or separation.

Right now, you’re worried where your relationship is headed. You’re up at night, and your relationship is filled with both heated conflict and icy distance. As difficult as this is, you worry it could get worse. You wish you had help to move past this intolerable pain.

I can create good, honest dialogue in your relationship again. Having received my masters in marriage and family therapy, and currently completing my doctoral degree, I understand what it takes to cool down, understand what happened, and create a plan for success. Please reach out to me below.

Request appointment
If you have a PPO plan you may receive partial reimbursement for our services according to your out-of-network benefits. We are not in-network with insurance panels or Medi-Cal, in order to provide immediate and responsive care to our clients.

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See our Pasadena Therapists

Frequently Asked Questions about Recovering from Infidelity

How Long Does It Take to Heal from Infidelity with Couples Therapy?

Healing from infidelity with couples therapy typically takes 2-3 years, focusing on processing betrayal, rebuilding trust, and improving communication. Research like Marin et al. (2014) shows therapy accelerates recovery, with many couples emerging stronger.

What Is the Infidelity Recovery Timeline?

The infidelity recovery timeline spans 2-5 years: 2-3 years with therapy (stages like shock, grief, and rebuilding) versus 3-5+ years without. Factors include therapy involvement and partner commitment.

What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?

About 57% of couples recover from infidelity and stay together, per Marin et al. (2014), rising to 75% with methods like Gottman Therapy. Therapy boosts success, while secret affairs lead to 80% divorce rates.

What to Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity

In couples therapy after infidelity, expect sessions building safety, processing grief, and restoring trust over 6-12 months initially. Using EFT or Gottman methods, you’ll gain tools for empathy and preventing relapses.

Does Couples Therapy Work After Cheating?

Yes, couples therapy works after cheating, with 57-75% success rates in rebuilding relationships (Marin et al., 2014; Gottman). It addresses trauma and communication, far outperforming unassisted recovery (20% success).

How Long to Recover from Infidelity?

Recovery from infidelity takes 2-5 years: shorter (2-3 years) with therapy focusing on trust rebuilding, longer without. Success reaches 57%, influenced by disclosure and emotional work.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over Infidelity?

Getting over infidelity takes 2-5 years, with initial grief easing in 1-6 months and full healing in 1-3 years via therapy. Patience and commitment are key, per studies showing 57% recovery rates.

Citations

Marin, R. A., et al. (2014). Couple and Family Psychology, 3(1), 1-12. DOI:10.1037/cfp0000012

Atkins, D. C., et al. (2005). Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144-150. DOI:10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2013). What Makes Love Last? ISBN:9781451608489

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Person utilizing EMDR to address trauma
EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

EMDR Knee Tapping: Your Ultimate Guide to Healing Trauma

Written by John Allan Whitacre

An EMDR tapping exercise with a trained EMDR therapist helps address relational trauma: painful experiences like abuse, neglect, or betrayal from someone close. You might struggle with trusting others, feel unworthy of love, or find intimacy challenging. These effects can linger, disrupting your relationships and sense of self.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy offers a way to process these memories, and a specific technique, Knee Tapping, uses alternating taps on the knees to help your brain rewire its response to trauma. If you’re considering EMDR tapping to heal from relational trauma, this guide will walk you through the challenges, a home exercise, and what to expect in therapy.

Understanding the Challenges of EMDR Tapping for Relational Trauma

Starting EMDR tapping can feel intimidating, especially when relational trauma has shaped your worldview. Here are the main pain points you might encounter:

  • Difficulty Trusting Others: After being hurt by someone close, opening up to a therapist can feel risky. You might wonder if they’ll truly understand or support you.
  • Fear of Revisiting Painful Memories: The idea of facing those moments again might make you hesitate. What if the pain feels unbearable?
  • Emotional Overwhelm: Processing trauma can stir up intense feelings—anger, sadness, or fear—that might seem hard to control.
  • Shame and Self-Blame: Relational trauma often leaves you questioning your worth or blaming yourself for what happened, making it tough to feel deserving of healing.
  • Wanting Quick Relief: You might crave fast results, but healing is a gradual journey, which can feel frustrating.

These struggles are normal, and Knee Tapping EMDR is designed to address them gently. With a skilled therapist, you’ll process trauma at a pace that feels safe, reducing its hold over time.

A Simple EMDR Tapping Exercise for Home Practice

While professional guidance is key for EMDR therapy, you can try a simplified EMDR tapping exercise at home to build calm and resilience. This technique, inspired by bilateral stimulation, isn’t a replacement for therapy but can support you between sessions.

Here’s how to do it:

  1. Settle In: Find a quiet, comfortable spot to sit where you won’t be disturbed.
  2. Choose a Positive Resource: Think of something that makes you feel safe and calm—a peaceful place (like a beach), a supportive person, or a happy memory.
  3. Start Tapping: Gently tap your knees alternately—left, right, left, right—at a slow, steady rhythm (about one tap per second).
  4. Focus: As you tap, picture your positive resource. Notice the details—sights, sounds, feelings—and let them sink in.
  5. Pause and Reflect: After 2-3 minutes, stop tapping, take a deep breath, and check in with yourself. How do you feel?
  6. Check-in: If you feel overwhelmed, repeat steps 2-5 to help cool down and return to safety.

This Knee Tapping EMDR exercise helps your brain shift focus to a soothing state. If negative thoughts creep in, gently guide your mind back to your resource. Use it as a tool to feel grounded, not as a fix for deep trauma—that’s where therapy comes in.

It is important to note that you should not try to reprocess a traumatic event without the presence of a trained EMDR therapist who specializes in EMDR tapping. Trying to process traumatic memories through tapping without the presence of a clinician could lead to symptomatic behaviors like disassociation and re-traumatization.

What to Expect in EMDR Therapy: Preparation and Sessions

EMDR therapy is a structured process that starts with preparation and moves into active trauma processing. Here’s what you can expect:

1. Preparation Phase (Around 4 Sessions)

The first few sessions—typically around four—focus on laying a strong foundation:

  • Building Trust: Your therapist will get to know you, creating a safe space. This is crucial if relational trauma makes trust hard.
  • Learning the Process: They’ll explain how EMDR tapping works and what to expect, answering any questions.
  • Developing Coping Skills: You’ll learn techniques like deep breathing or visualization to manage distress during and after sessions.
  • Planning: Together, you’ll identify the traumatic memories you want to target, ensuring you’re ready to process them.

This phase might take longer if trust or safety needs more time to establish, which is common with relational trauma.

2. EMDR Sessions

Once prepared, you’ll begin the core EMDR work:

  • Targeting a Memory: You’ll focus on a specific relational trauma memory—say, a moment of betrayal—recalling how it felt emotionally and physically.
  • Bilateral Stimulation: Your therapist will guide you through Knee Tapping EMDR, tapping your knees alternately (or using another method like eye movements) while you hold the memory in mind.
  • Processing: As you tap, your brain starts reprocessing the memory. You might notice the emotions soften or new insights emerge.
  • Checking In: Sessions last 60-90 minutes, and your therapist will ensure you feel stable before ending, using coping skills if needed.

You might need several sessions per memory, depending on its intensity. Emotions can surface—sadness, relief, even exhaustion—but your therapist will support you, keeping the process manageable.

If relational trauma has left you feeling stuck, Knee Tapping EMDR could be a path to freedom. The home exercise offers a taste of calm, but true healing comes from working with a trained therapist. The journey might feel daunting—trusting again, facing memories, riding emotional waves—but it’s worth it. You’re not alone, and recovery is within reach. Reach out to an EMDR professional to explore how EMDR tapping can help you reclaim your life and relationships.

Couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT
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Neurology, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Pelvic Floor Issues? The Truth About How to Heal Trauma

Written by herecounseling

Pelvic floor therapy targets the muscles, ligaments, and connective tissues that support your pelvic organs—think bladder, bowels, and reproductive system. These structures play a starring role in everyday functions like urination, digestion, and even sexual health. Problems here can affect anyone, regardless of gender, and can throw a wrench into your quality of life. In a recent interview, Dr. Rachel Daof, a pelvic floor physical therapist at Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, sat down with Dr. Connor McClenahan to unpack this essential yet often overlooked topic.

What Pelvic Floor Therapy Can Do for You

Pelvic floor therapy tackles a surprising variety of issues that might be disrupting your daily routine. Dr. Daof sums it up with a memorable phrase: “We help with pee, poo, and pleasure.” Here’s a closer look at the common challenges it addresses:

  • Urinary Incontinence: Ever leak a little when you cough, sneeze, or hit the gym? That’s more common than you might think.
  • Bowel Dysfunction: Struggles like constipation or fecal incontinence can be tough to talk about, but they’re treatable.
  • Pelvic Pain: Discomfort in the genital, anal, or lower abdominal areas can stem from muscle tension or injury.
  • Sexual Health Challenges: Pain during intimacy, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation can all tie back to pelvic floor issues.

These problems don’t discriminate—they can affect people of all ages and genders, often triggered by things like childbirth, trauma, or even prolonged stress. The good news? They’re not something you have to just live with.

Pelvic Floor Therapy is About Safety

At Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, the treatment process is all about creating safety. It starts with a conversation—a detailed chat about your symptoms and history. Dr. Daof stresses that consent is non-negotiable: “We make sure patients are comfortable with every step.” Depending on what you’re dealing with, the next phase might involve an internal exam to check how those pelvic muscles are functioning. Don’t worry—these are done with care and always with your boundaries in mind.

From there, the team crafts a plan tailored just for you, targeting any weaknesses or tightness in the pelvic floor. “We want them to feel safe in our environment, with our presence, and with the manual therapy,” Dr. Daof explains. That sense of safety isn’t just a bonus—it’s what’s actually required for the muscles and nervous system to elongate and heal.

Pelvic Guarding and Kegel Exercises

Dr. Daof uses a simple yet powerful analogy to illustrate why pelvic floor issues often go beyond a lack of strength: imagine trying to clench your fist tightly for hours on end. Eventually, the muscles tire out, becoming so fatigued that they can no longer contract effectively, even if you want them to. This is similar to what happens with an overly tight or hypertonic pelvic floor. When these muscles are chronically tense—whether from stress, poor posture, or overcompensation—they lose their ability to relax and then contract properly. It’s not a matter of weakness but rather a state of exhaustion or dysfunction.

This is why Kegel exercises, which focus on strengthening through repeated contractions, often fall short or even worsen the problem. For many, the pelvic floor doesn’t need more tension; it needs release, retraining, and balance to restore its natural function. This points to the need to relax, elongate and understand the chronic tension we carry.

Emotional History Impacts Pelvic Floor Muscles

Here’s where it gets interesting: your pelvic health isn’t just about muscles—it’s tied to your emotions, too. Dr. Daof points out that experiences like childhood shame or trauma can show up years later as physical issues. Imagine a kid taught to “hold it in” because of strict rules or embarrassment. Over time, that habit can turn into chronic muscle tension down below.

That’s why pelvic floor therapy often takes a holistic approach, sometimes teaming up with psychotherapists to tackle both the physical and emotional sides of healing. It’s not just about fixing a symptom—it’s about understanding the whole picture to get lasting results.

Create Safety and Healing

If any of this sounds familiar—whether it’s a little leak or a nagging pain—know that you’ve got options. Pelvic floor physical therapy can make a real difference, and there’s no reason to let embarrassment keep you from getting help. Dr. Daof and her team are here to guide you with expertise and compassion.

We believe emotional and physical healing are 2 sides of the same coin. The pain you experience creates an emotional stamp that’s felt by both your internal world of relationships and self, as well as your body’s muscular and nervous system. Whichever side of the tunnel you approach it – whether with a psychotherapist or with a pelvic floor therapist – we know the healing is worth reaching out.

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ADHD, Neurology, Podcast

[VIDEO] Shatter ADHD Myths: How to Use Brain Mapping to Unlock the Science of Attention

Written by herecounseling

Brain Mapping and Neurofeedback at Vital Brain Health

What’s Happening Under the Hood

The brain is more than just the seat of our thoughts—it’s a dynamic organ where hardware (neural structures) and software (thought patterns) interact. At Vital Brain Health, advanced tools like EEG-based brain mapping and neurofeedback allow clinicians to peek into this hardware, revealing how brain waves and regions influence behavior. Brain mapping involves placing a cap with sensors on the scalp to record electrical activity over 20 minutes—10 with eyes open, 10 with eyes closed—creating a “movie” of the brain at rest. This isn’t about static images like an MRI; it’s about function, showing how areas fire and connect in real time. Neurofeedback builds on this by training the brain to adjust those patterns, using visual feedback (like a Netflix show that distorts when waves go off-track) to encourage healthier rhythms.

Why It Matters

Understanding the brain’s wiring offers a new lens on struggles like focus, anxiety, or emotional regulation. Rather than seeing these as personal failings, they can be viewed as biological responses—sometimes to stress, sometimes to inherited tendencies. This approach doesn’t just label issues; it provides a roadmap for change, empowering individuals to work with their brain’s natural plasticity.

The Neurology Behind ADHD-Like Focus Issues

Beyond the Label: What’s Really Going On

ADHD is often diagnosed through behavioral checklists—16 questions about focus or impulsivity—but this surface-level approach misses the deeper story. Neurologically, attention relies on the prefrontal cortex, which handles planning, impulse control, and sequential thinking (e.g., “Do A, then B”). Under stress or trauma, blood flow shifts away from this region to the amygdala and limbic system, prioritizing survival over organization. This can manifest as fast brain waves in the prefrontal cortex slowing down, or the amygdala over-firing, keeping someone in a reactive, high-arousal state. For a child, this might look like outbursts or distraction; for an adult, it’s losing track of tasks. The catch? These symptoms mimic ADHD but may stem from entirely different causes—like a tough life transition or chronic anxiety.

State vs. Trait: How Focus Issues Evolve

A “state” is a temporary reaction—like struggling to focus during a stressful week—while a “trait” is a wired-in tendency, shaped by prolonged experience. When stress persists (think post-COVID isolation or a family crisis), neurons fire together repeatedly, strengthening pathways that favor reactivity over focus. Over time, the prefrontal cortex might become “sluggish,” less efficient at sending inhibitory signals to calm the limbic system, while the amygdala stays on high alert. This isn’t a permanent flaw—it’s an adaptation that can be reframed and retrained.

Reframing the Struggle

Instead of “I can’t focus because I’m broken,” try: “My brain’s in a high-arousal state, reacting to something real.” This shifts blame from character to context. For example, a child labeled ADHD might have a prefrontal cortex overwhelmed by a traumatic move, not a disorder. Recognizing this opens doors to targeted solutions beyond medication—like addressing the root stress or using neurofeedback to boost prefrontal efficiency.

Practical Takeaway

If focus feels off, check your arousal level. Too drowsy or too wired (shaky, restless)? Both tank attention. Try a quick reset: a brisk walk if you’re sluggish, or a minute of slow breathing if you’re amped up. It’s not about forcing focus—it’s about tuning your brain’s engine.

Shared Trauma and Its Impact on the Brain

The Collective Experience

Trauma isn’t always personal—it can ripple through families or communities. Take a city hit by wildfires: homes lost, schools gone, cafes erased. This collective shock disrupts everyone’s sense of safety, sending limbic systems into overdrive. The amygdala ramps up, scanning for threats, while the prefrontal cortex dials back, reducing patience and impulse control. A parent might snap more easily, a child’s tantrums might spike—not because they’re “bad,” but because their brains are syncing to a shared stress signal. Post-COVID lockdowns showed this too: isolation and fear spiked arousal levels, leading to a surge in ADHD-like symptoms and medication shortages.

The Neurological Ripple Effect

In these scenarios, the brain’s wiring reflects the group dynamic. Hypervigilance—seen in fast “lambda waves” at the back of the head—might drive constant scanning, even in safe settings. This isn’t voluntary; it’s the visual cortex over-connecting to the amygdala, creating a feedback loop of alertness. For a family, this might mean everyone’s on edge, amplifying each other’s reactivity. It’s a collective “buzz” that can persist, turning a temporary state into a trait if unchecked.

Reframing the Impact

Rather than “Why are we all falling apart?” consider: “Our brains are carrying a shared load.” This perspective reduces guilt—parents aren’t failing, kids aren’t defiant; they’re adapting to a shaken world. It’s a call to see behavior as a signal, not a sentence.

Practical Takeaway

Break the buzz with a collective pause. A family walk, a silly game, or even a group deep-breath session can lower arousal across the board. It’s not about erasing trauma—it’s about giving everyone’s brain a moment to recalibrate together.

How Relationships Wire Our Brain

The Social Synapse

Our brains are built for connection. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t just manage tasks—it relies on relationships to regulate emotions and behavior. A child’s meltdown often eases with a calm adult nearby because their brain “borrows” that stability, a process tied to mirror neurons—cells that mimic others’ states. But if those systems are offline (e.g., less right-brain activity), bonding can feel elusive, even with effort. A parent might nurture tirelessly, yet the child struggles to connect—not due to lack of love, but a difference in wiring.

From Parent to Child, Spouse to Spouse

This wiring starts early and never stops. A preoccupied parent—say, distracted by a phone—might leave a child’s prefrontal cortex without that external “shushing” signal, letting limbic reactivity run wild. In adults, a stressed partner’s withdrawal can trigger the same loop in their spouse. Over time, these interactions shape traits: a child’s self-regulation might falter without consistent co-regulation, or an adult’s anxiety might spike without a steady anchor. It’s not blame—it’s biology.

Rewiring Through Neurofeedback

Here’s the hope: neurofeedback can shift these patterns. By placing sensors over key regions (like an overactive amygdala), clinicians guide the brain to slow its waves—think 900-1000 reps in a 20-minute session, all while watching a show. Over weeks, this builds a new trait: less reactivity, more calm. It’s like teaching a jittery cat to trust safety, compressing years of change into months.

Reframing Connection

Swap “They’re distant because they don’t care” with “Their brain might need help feeling safe.” This fosters patience and curiosity—maybe it’s not rejection, but a wiring hiccup you can address together.

Practical Takeaway

Boost your brain’s social wiring with daily check-ins—a quick chat with a friend or loved one. If connection feels strained, try co-regulation: sit quietly together, syncing breaths. Small moments can rewire big patterns.

Strategies for Change

  • Understanding Your Baseline
    The Yerkes-Dodson law—a bell curve of arousal vs. performance—shows optimal focus lies in the middle. Too low (drowsy), and you’re foggy; too high (manic), and you’re scattered. Brain mapping reveals your baseline—say, a fast-firing thalamus inherited from a parent, pushing you toward high arousal. Knowing this helps you target the real issue.
  • Breaking the Loop
    For rumination—linked to the anterior cingulate, the brain’s “Chihuahua” that won’t stop chewing—distraction works wonders. When stuck on “Did I mess up?” write it down, then shift to a tactile task (e.g., folding laundry). It’s not avoidance—it’s giving your brain a new toy.
  • Leveraging Neurofeedback
    Available in-office or via at-home sensors, neurofeedback targets specific waves (e.g., slowing fast alpha for anxiety). After 40 sessions over four months, many see 30-50% improvement—focus sharpens, reactivity fades. It’s a game-changer for stubborn traits.
  • Embracing Collective Support
    Share your journey—tell a friend, “I’m working on my focus.” Their encouragement can co-regulate you, amplifying progress. You’re not alone; your brain thrives with others.

Your Brain, Your Potential

Focus issues, shared trauma, and relational wiring aren’t defects—they’re your brain doing its job, shaped by experience. Whether it’s a prefrontal cortex on pause, a community reeling, or a connection needing a boost, you’re not stuck. Tools like brain mapping and neurofeedback, paired with simple reframes, reveal a truth: your brain’s adaptable, and you’ve got the keys. Start small—tune your arousal, lean on others, explore your wiring. You’re not fixing a flaw; you’re unlocking potential. What could change if you saw your brain as a partner, not a problem

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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Neurology, Parenting, Podcast

Attachment Styles: How to Heal the Hidden Lens Shaping Your Relationships

Written by Connor McClenahan

Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.

In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.

At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.

Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.

Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.

Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness

Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment

Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.

Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma

Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.

How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships

Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:

  • Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
  • Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
  • Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.

It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.

2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability

Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.

3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships

Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.

4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling

Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.

5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself

Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.

The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

5 Ways Trauma Rewires Your Brain for Survival

Written by McKenzie Laird

The human brain is remarkably adaptive, especially in response to adversity. When individuals experience neglect, emotional or verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or witness family violence—particularly in early childhood—their brains undergo survival-based changes to help them navigate a dangerous world. These adaptations are, in many ways, a reflection of the brain’s resilience. However, when trauma survivors move into safer environments, they often struggle deactivating the survival mechanisms they developed. Understanding how the brain adapts to trauma can be the first step in healing and reclaiming a sense of safety.

Imagine a child growing up in a confusing home where every interaction holds the potential for emotional or physical harm. This child’s brain learns to adapt for survival. Now, picture this child as an adult now living somewhere safe. Logically, they know they’re no longer in danger, but their brain hasn’t fully caught up yet. Instead, it continues to operate in survival mode, shaping the way they think, feel, and connect with others—even long into adulthood.

Much like animals in the wild, who develop specific survival tactics in response to threats, trauma survivors exhibit similar resilience. Nature documentaries often showcase how animals adapt to harsh environments—whether it’s a gazelle learning to anticipate predators or a bear cub developing defensive skills after early hardships. While these adaptations serve them well in the wild, if these animals were relocated to a protected sanctuary, they might initially struggle adjusting to the lack of danger. Similarly, trauma survivors may find it difficult to shift from survival mode to a state of peace and trust, even when they are safe.

Here are five ways your brain changes in response to trauma:

1. In Trauma, Hypervigilance Becomes the Norm

After experiencing prolonged danger, your brain becomes hyper-aware of potential threats. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting danger, becomes overactive, leading to heightened anxiety and an exaggerated startle response. This makes it difficult to relax, even in safe environments, as your brain continuously scans for danger.

In the animal kingdom, prey animals like deer or rabbits exhibit similar hypervigilance. Their finely tuned senses help them detect danger, but when placed in a controlled environment where threats are minimal, they may still exhibit skittish behavior until they learn to feel safe.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may constantly anticipate conflict, even in peaceful relationships.
  • Small misunderstandings may feel like major threats, leading to overreactions.
  • You might struggle to believe your partner’s reassurances, fearing hidden dangers.

2. Emotional Regulation Becomes Difficult when Traumatized

Trauma impacts the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. When this region is impaired, it results in heightened emotional reactivity, difficulty managing stress, and challenges in expressing emotions in a healthy way. You may find yourself easily overwhelmed or reacting to situations that seem minor to others.

Similarly, animals that have faced repeated stress, such as rescued shelter dogs, often struggle with emotional regulation. They may lash out or retreat, not because they are naturally aggressive, but because their past experiences have wired their brains to expect harm.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You might experience sudden mood swings, feeling fine one moment and deeply upset the next.
  • Expressing emotions may feel overwhelming, leading to either emotional outbursts or complete withdrawal.
  • Your partner may struggle to understand why small triggers cause big reactions.

3. Trust Issues Become Deeply Ingrained through Trauma

Because early trauma often involves betrayal or harm from caregivers, the brain learns that people—even those who claim to love you—may not be completely safe. The brain wires itself to be cautious in relationships, leading to difficulties in trusting others, fear of vulnerability, and challenges in forming healthy attachments.

In nature, animals that have been hunted or mistreated by humans often remain wary, even when approached with kindness. A rescued horse that has been abused may take years to learn to trust its new caretaker, despite being in a loving home. The same applies to trauma survivors—learning to trust again takes time and patience.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may struggle to believe that your partner’s love is genuine or lasting.
  • Opening up emotionally may feel impossible, leading to distance in relationships.
  • Fear of abandonment might cause you to push people away before they have a chance to leave.

4. Survival Mode of Trauma Disrupts Logical Thinking

The hippocampus, a brain region involved in memory and learning, is affected by trauma, making it difficult to differentiate past from present. This means that even in a safe environment, your brain may react as if the trauma is happening all over again. This can lead to difficulty making decisions, chronic stress, and difficulty retaining positive experiences.

Consider a wild animal repeatedly exposed to danger—its brain remains wired to react instinctively rather than logically. A fox that has barely survived multiple predator encounters may struggle to distinguish a genuine threat from a harmless situation. Likewise, trauma survivors often operate from a protective than connective place.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may misinterpret neutral comments or actions as personal attacks.
  • It can be difficult to see your partner’s intentions clearly, leading to misunderstandings.
  • Conflict resolution may feel impossible, as your brain automatically assumes the worst.

5. Trauma Distorts Self-Perception

When trauma happens early in life, particularly at the hands of caregivers, the brain may internalize the experience as a reflection of self-worth. This can result in deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, or unworthiness. Survivors may develop negative self-talk, struggle with self-compassion, and feel as though they are fundamentally broken.

A perfect example of this can be seen in elephants that have been held in captivity. Even when freed, some remain chained mentally, believing they are still confined. Similarly, trauma survivors may feel stuck in limiting beliefs about themselves, even when those beliefs are no longer valid.

How This Affects Relationships

  • You may feel unworthy of love, leading to self-sabotage in relationships.
  • Accepting compliments or kindness from others may feel uncomfortable or even suspicious.
  • A deep fear of rejection may cause you to settle for unhealthy relationships or avoid intimacy altogether.

Reach Out and Move Toward Healing

The good news is that the brain remains plastic—meaning it can change and heal even after years of trauma-induced adaptations. Therapy, mindfulness, and trauma-informed practices can help retrain the brain to recognize safety, regulate emotions, and develop healthier relational patterns.

Like rehabilitated wildlife that learns to thrive in a protected environment, trauma survivors can relearn what it means to be safe, loved, and emotionally free. If you recognize these trauma responses in yourself, know that you are not alone. Your brain adapted to survive, but now, you deserve to heal. With the right support, you can create new neural pathways that foster a sense of safety, trust, and emotional balance in your life.

Therapy for trauma and depression with McKenzie Laird, AMFT
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Managing emotions, Podcast

How to Best Choose a Therapist: 3 Essential Tips to Ensure the Right Fit for Success

Written by herecounseling

Choosing the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already facing personal challenges. However, knowing how to choose a therapist and understanding what to look for in a therapist can simplify the process. Drawing from expert insights by Dr. Connor McClenahan, director of Here Counseling, this guide highlights three essential qualities—availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—to help you find a therapist who’s the perfect fit for your needs. Let’s explore these qualities and practical tips to ensure your therapy journey is supportive and effective.

What to Look for in a Therapist:

Your therapist should be…

1. Available

When figuring out how to choose a therapist, availability is a top priority. You need someone who’s accessible when you need them most. Dr. McClenahan emphasizes this, saying, “You really want to know that when you pick up the phone, somebody is going to respond to you.” A therapist who’s available ensures you’re not left waiting during critical moments.

  • Why it matters: Delays in scheduling or responses can increase feelings of frustration or isolation. A therapist who prioritizes availability shows they value your time and mental well-being.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists who reply promptly to inquiries and offer appointments within a reasonable timeframe. For instance, Here Counseling aims to respond within a day or two and schedule sessions within a week.

Choosing a therapist who’s available means you’ll feel supported from the start, making it easier to begin your healing process.

2. Real

Another critical aspect of what to look for in a therapist is authenticity. You want someone genuine—someone who connects with you on a human level. Dr. McClenahan notes that clients need “somebody who’s real,” highlighting the importance of a therapist’s ability to empathize and relate.

  • Why it matters: Studies show that the “goodness of fit” between you and your therapist strongly predicts therapy’s success. An authentic therapist builds trust, creating a safe space for you to share openly.
  • How to spot it: Seek therapists who are approachable and transparent. Many, like those at Here Counseling, offer profiles with blog posts or videos to help you gauge their personality before meeting.

An authentic therapist fosters a meaningful connection, which is vital when deciding how to choose a therapist you can rely on.

3. Helpful

When considering what to look for in a therapist, helpfulness is non-negotiable. Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about growth. Dr. McClenahan explains that a helpful therapist knows “what it takes to actually heal and grow in a therapy room,” using proven methods to guide you forward.

  • Why it matters: A helpful therapist goes beyond listening; they equip you with tools to tackle challenges like anxiety or relationship struggles. This focus on results makes therapy worthwhile.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists trained in evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychoanalysis. At Here Counseling, therapists tailor these methods to your unique goals.

Choosing a therapist who prioritizes helpfulness ensures your sessions lead to real, lasting progress.

Practical Tips for How to Choose a Therapist

Beyond these core qualities, here are some actionable steps to refine your search for the right therapist:

  • Check credentials: Confirm the therapist is licensed and experienced in areas relevant to your needs, like depression or trauma.
  • Schedule a consultation: Many therapists offer an initial chat to assess fit. Use this to ask questions and test your comfort level.
  • Read reviews: Client feedback or recommendations from friends can reveal a therapist’s strengths and style.

These steps can boost your confidence in finding a therapist who aligns with what to look for in a therapist for your situation.

Why Here Counseling Simplifies Choosing a Therapist

Wondering how to choose a therapist without the guesswork? Here Counseling makes it easier. They provide a care coordinator to match you with a therapist based on your needs, plus detailed therapist profiles with videos and posts to preview their approach. This process reflects their commitment to availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—everything you should look for in a therapist.

Start Looking Today

Deciding how to choose a therapist doesn’t have to be daunting. By focusing on availability, authenticity, and helpfulness, you can find someone who supports your growth. Ready to take the next step? Contact Here Counseling to connect with a therapist who embodies these qualities and start your path to healing.

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Anxiety, Podcast

Young Adults Need to Feel Strong: Why “Vibey” Therapists are Unhelpful, and Tips to Find a Good One for Your Young Adult

Written by herecounseling

Navigating mental health as a community college student is no small feat. At Pasadena City College (PCC), where about 24,000 students—fresh-faced high school grads, career switchers, and everyone in between—chase their dreams, the mental health team works overtime to keep up. Dr. Andrea Bailey, Faculty Lead and Clinical Director, compares her job to running a small city’s mental health system, juggling limited resources and a dizzying array of student needs.

But here’s the kicker: therapy alone isn’t enough. This article dives into why trauma thrives without communal support, the traps of “vibey” therapists that can trip up young adults, and how to spot a therapist who’ll actually help you grow.

Trauma’s Roots: Where Community Falls Short

Trauma doesn’t hit like a lightning bolt—it’s more like a slow burn. Dr. Bailey explains that after big events, like wildfires or political chaos, students don’t flood the counseling center right away. They lean on their communities first—friends, family, campus buddies. But when those ties weaken or dissolve, the fallout creeps in months later, driving up demand for therapy. This delay reveals something big: mental health isn’t just about what’s in your head. It’s tied to the people around you.

In today’s world, where stable communities—think tight-knit families or neighborhood crews—are fading, students end up relying on therapists to fill the void. Dr. Bailey’s point is clear: therapy can patch you up, but it’s communal support that keeps you steady. Without it, trauma festers, and young adults, already figuring out who they are, feel the weight even more.

The Trap of “Vibey” Therapists: Why Good Vibes Aren’t Enough

Ever met a therapist who’s all warm fuzzies but no substance? Dr. Bailey calls them “vibey therapists”—the ones who nail the cozy vibe but don’t push you to grow. For young adults, this can be a real stumbling block. Drawing from Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy, here are three common pitfalls of this approach and how they mess with students:

  • Fostering Dependence Over Independence
    These therapists might leave you hooked on their affirmations, like you’re a plant that can’t grow without constant watering. Young adults, who are supposed to be learning how to stand on their own, end up needing a session just to face a bad grade or a fight with a roommate.
  • Turning Struggles Into Identities
    Too much focus on feelings without a game plan can glue you to your pain. Dr. Bailey hears students say, “I am my anxiety,” like it’s their whole personality. For young adults shaping their futures, this can lock them into a victim mindset instead of pushing them past it.
  • Prioritizing Comfort Over Challenge
    If therapy feels like a hug fest with no tough questions, it’s not doing its job. Young adults need to stretch their wings—avoiding hard stuff keeps them fragile, not ready for the real world’s curveballs.

These traps don’t just stall you—they can backfire, making resilience harder to build. Shrier’s critique hits home: therapy that’s too soft can turn growing pains into permanent scars, especially for students at a crossroads.

Finding the Right Therapist: Tips That Work

So, how do you dodge the “vibey” trap and find a therapist who’s legit? It’s like picking a workout buddy—you want someone who’ll cheer you on but also call you out when you’re slacking. Dr. Bailey’s got some solid advice. Here are three tips to know if a therapist’s a good fit:

  • They Challenge You (But Not Too Hard)
    A great therapist listens, gets you, then nudges you forward. If you’re just venting every week with no progress, it’s too vibey. Look for someone who sparks action.
  • They’ve Walked the Walk
    Ask if they’ve been in therapy themselves. A therapist who’s faced their own stuff won’t lean on you to feel useful. For young adults, this means less risk of a weird, clingy vibe and more focus on your growth.
  • You Feel Seen, Not Babied
    You should leave a session feeling understood but not pampered. If they’re handing you tools or a fresh angle—not just nodding and smiling—you’ve got a keeper. It’s about moving forward, not wallowing.

These pointers help you zero in on therapy that builds you up, not just props you up.

Therapy Plus Community

Therapy’s a tool, but it shines brightest alongside real community—friends, clubs, a campus crew. At PCC, Dr. Bailey’s team pushes students to plug into campus life, because healing sticks when you’re not alone. For young adults, dodging “vibey” therapists and chasing solid support—both in and out of the counseling room—can turn a rough patch into a launchpad. In a world that’s shaky at best, that’s worth figuring out.

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