Managing emotions, Podcast

How to Best Choose a Therapist: 3 Essential Tips to Ensure the Right Fit for Success

Written by herecounseling

Choosing the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already facing personal challenges. However, knowing how to choose a therapist and understanding what to look for in a therapist can simplify the process. Drawing from expert insights by Dr. Connor McClenahan, director of Here Counseling, this guide highlights three essential qualities—availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—to help you find a therapist who’s the perfect fit for your needs. Let’s explore these qualities and practical tips to ensure your therapy journey is supportive and effective.

What to Look for in a Therapist:

Your therapist should be…

1. Available

When figuring out how to choose a therapist, availability is a top priority. You need someone who’s accessible when you need them most. Dr. McClenahan emphasizes this, saying, “You really want to know that when you pick up the phone, somebody is going to respond to you.” A therapist who’s available ensures you’re not left waiting during critical moments.

  • Why it matters: Delays in scheduling or responses can increase feelings of frustration or isolation. A therapist who prioritizes availability shows they value your time and mental well-being.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists who reply promptly to inquiries and offer appointments within a reasonable timeframe. For instance, Here Counseling aims to respond within a day or two and schedule sessions within a week.

Choosing a therapist who’s available means you’ll feel supported from the start, making it easier to begin your healing process.

2. Real

Another critical aspect of what to look for in a therapist is authenticity. You want someone genuine—someone who connects with you on a human level. Dr. McClenahan notes that clients need “somebody who’s real,” highlighting the importance of a therapist’s ability to empathize and relate.

  • Why it matters: Studies show that the “goodness of fit” between you and your therapist strongly predicts therapy’s success. An authentic therapist builds trust, creating a safe space for you to share openly.
  • How to spot it: Seek therapists who are approachable and transparent. Many, like those at Here Counseling, offer profiles with blog posts or videos to help you gauge their personality before meeting.

An authentic therapist fosters a meaningful connection, which is vital when deciding how to choose a therapist you can rely on.

3. Helpful

When considering what to look for in a therapist, helpfulness is non-negotiable. Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about growth. Dr. McClenahan explains that a helpful therapist knows “what it takes to actually heal and grow in a therapy room,” using proven methods to guide you forward.

  • Why it matters: A helpful therapist goes beyond listening; they equip you with tools to tackle challenges like anxiety or relationship struggles. This focus on results makes therapy worthwhile.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists trained in evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychoanalysis. At Here Counseling, therapists tailor these methods to your unique goals.

Choosing a therapist who prioritizes helpfulness ensures your sessions lead to real, lasting progress.

Practical Tips for How to Choose a Therapist

Beyond these core qualities, here are some actionable steps to refine your search for the right therapist:

  • Check credentials: Confirm the therapist is licensed and experienced in areas relevant to your needs, like depression or trauma.
  • Schedule a consultation: Many therapists offer an initial chat to assess fit. Use this to ask questions and test your comfort level.
  • Read reviews: Client feedback or recommendations from friends can reveal a therapist’s strengths and style.

These steps can boost your confidence in finding a therapist who aligns with what to look for in a therapist for your situation.

Why Here Counseling Simplifies Choosing a Therapist

Wondering how to choose a therapist without the guesswork? Here Counseling makes it easier. They provide a care coordinator to match you with a therapist based on your needs, plus detailed therapist profiles with videos and posts to preview their approach. This process reflects their commitment to availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—everything you should look for in a therapist.

Start Looking Today

Deciding how to choose a therapist doesn’t have to be daunting. By focusing on availability, authenticity, and helpfulness, you can find someone who supports your growth. Ready to take the next step? Contact Here Counseling to connect with a therapist who embodies these qualities and start your path to healing.

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Anxiety, Podcast

Young Adults Need to Feel Strong: Why “Vibey” Therapists are Unhelpful, and Tips to Find a Good One for Your Young Adult

Written by herecounseling

Navigating mental health as a community college student is no small feat. At Pasadena City College (PCC), where about 24,000 students—fresh-faced high school grads, career switchers, and everyone in between—chase their dreams, the mental health team works overtime to keep up. Dr. Andrea Bailey, Faculty Lead and Clinical Director, compares her job to running a small city’s mental health system, juggling limited resources and a dizzying array of student needs.

But here’s the kicker: therapy alone isn’t enough. This article dives into why trauma thrives without communal support, the traps of “vibey” therapists that can trip up young adults, and how to spot a therapist who’ll actually help you grow.

Trauma’s Roots: Where Community Falls Short

Trauma doesn’t hit like a lightning bolt—it’s more like a slow burn. Dr. Bailey explains that after big events, like wildfires or political chaos, students don’t flood the counseling center right away. They lean on their communities first—friends, family, campus buddies. But when those ties weaken or dissolve, the fallout creeps in months later, driving up demand for therapy. This delay reveals something big: mental health isn’t just about what’s in your head. It’s tied to the people around you.

In today’s world, where stable communities—think tight-knit families or neighborhood crews—are fading, students end up relying on therapists to fill the void. Dr. Bailey’s point is clear: therapy can patch you up, but it’s communal support that keeps you steady. Without it, trauma festers, and young adults, already figuring out who they are, feel the weight even more.

The Trap of “Vibey” Therapists: Why Good Vibes Aren’t Enough

Ever met a therapist who’s all warm fuzzies but no substance? Dr. Bailey calls them “vibey therapists”—the ones who nail the cozy vibe but don’t push you to grow. For young adults, this can be a real stumbling block. Drawing from Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy, here are three common pitfalls of this approach and how they mess with students:

  • Fostering Dependence Over Independence
    These therapists might leave you hooked on their affirmations, like you’re a plant that can’t grow without constant watering. Young adults, who are supposed to be learning how to stand on their own, end up needing a session just to face a bad grade or a fight with a roommate.
  • Turning Struggles Into Identities
    Too much focus on feelings without a game plan can glue you to your pain. Dr. Bailey hears students say, “I am my anxiety,” like it’s their whole personality. For young adults shaping their futures, this can lock them into a victim mindset instead of pushing them past it.
  • Prioritizing Comfort Over Challenge
    If therapy feels like a hug fest with no tough questions, it’s not doing its job. Young adults need to stretch their wings—avoiding hard stuff keeps them fragile, not ready for the real world’s curveballs.

These traps don’t just stall you—they can backfire, making resilience harder to build. Shrier’s critique hits home: therapy that’s too soft can turn growing pains into permanent scars, especially for students at a crossroads.

Finding the Right Therapist: Tips That Work

So, how do you dodge the “vibey” trap and find a therapist who’s legit? It’s like picking a workout buddy—you want someone who’ll cheer you on but also call you out when you’re slacking. Dr. Bailey’s got some solid advice. Here are three tips to know if a therapist’s a good fit:

  • They Challenge You (But Not Too Hard)
    A great therapist listens, gets you, then nudges you forward. If you’re just venting every week with no progress, it’s too vibey. Look for someone who sparks action.
  • They’ve Walked the Walk
    Ask if they’ve been in therapy themselves. A therapist who’s faced their own stuff won’t lean on you to feel useful. For young adults, this means less risk of a weird, clingy vibe and more focus on your growth.
  • You Feel Seen, Not Babied
    You should leave a session feeling understood but not pampered. If they’re handing you tools or a fresh angle—not just nodding and smiling—you’ve got a keeper. It’s about moving forward, not wallowing.

These pointers help you zero in on therapy that builds you up, not just props you up.

Therapy Plus Community

Therapy’s a tool, but it shines brightest alongside real community—friends, clubs, a campus crew. At PCC, Dr. Bailey’s team pushes students to plug into campus life, because healing sticks when you’re not alone. For young adults, dodging “vibey” therapists and chasing solid support—both in and out of the counseling room—can turn a rough patch into a launchpad. In a world that’s shaky at best, that’s worth figuring out.

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Managing emotions, Neurology, Podcast

[VIDEO] Motivation 101: How to Rewire Your Brain to Get Things Done

Written by Connor McClenahan

Have you ever found yourself staring at a to-do list, feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to start even the simplest task? Maybe your house is a mess, your inbox is overflowing, or that big project is looming like a dark cloud. You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with motivation, especially when life feels like a high-wire act with no safety net.

But what if I told you that understanding your brain’s natural mechanisms could help you regain your drive and accomplish your goals? In this podcast episode, we dive into the psychology of motivation, why we lose it, and how to get it back—without beating yourself up in the process.

The Overwhelm Trap: Why Motivation Slips Away

Picture this: You’re trying to walk a high wire, 200 feet in the air, with no safety net below. Every step feels like a life-or-death decision, and the fear of falling keeps you frozen in place. This is what happens in your brain when you’re overwhelmed. Your limbic system—the emotional center responsible for sensing safety and danger—gets flooded with too many signals. Deadlines, chores, expectations—they all pile up, screaming “threat!” until you shut down.

This overwhelm often triggers a depressive spiral. You know something needs to get done—a report, the laundry, calling a friend—but instead of acting, you feel a heavy weight settle in. Sadness creeps up, followed by a sense of “I can’t do this.” In that moment, what you really need is comfort, rest, or a helping hand. But too often, what you get instead is your inner critic swooping in: “Why can’t you just get it together? You’re so lazy!”

I’ve been there. I once had a huge presentation due, and instead of starting, I berated myself for procrastinating. The harsher I got, the less I accomplished—until I was a ball of exhaustion and guilt. Sound familiar? That self-critical voice might feel like a tough coach pushing you forward, but it’s actually sinking you deeper into the spiral. The sad, overwhelmed feelings almost always win, leaving you stuck.

How Your Brain Wants to Motivate You

Here’s the good news: Your brain is built to motivate itself—it’s just that overwhelm and self-criticism throw a wrench in the works. Three key areas team up to get you moving:

  1. Limbic System: This is your safety detector. When it’s calm, you feel secure enough to act. When it’s flooded with “danger” signals, you freeze—like you’re stuck on that high wire.
  2. Prefrontal Cortex: Think of this as your inner planner. It breaks big goals into bite-sized steps and keeps you on track, like a coach mapping out a marathon training schedule.
  3. Ventral Striatum: This is your reward center, and it thrives on social connection and meaning. It’s the cheering crowd at the finish line, the pride of sharing your win with someone, or the feeling of becoming the person you admire.

When these parts work together, motivation flows naturally. The problem? Modern life floods the limbic system, drowns out the prefrontal cortex, and leaves the ventral striatum starved for meaningful rewards. But you can flip the script with a few smart strategies.

Three Steps to Reignite Your Drive

Ready to get unstuck? Here’s how to tap into your brain’s natural motivation system:

1. Create Safety First

If your limbic system thinks you’re on a high wire, it’s going to keep you paralyzed. Bring it back to solid ground with these simple tricks:

  • Gratitude: Jot down three things you’re thankful for—it could be coffee, a sunny day, or a kind text.
  • Comfort: Give yourself a hug (seriously, it works!) or call a friend to vent about your day.

These acts dial down the overwhelm, signaling to your brain that it’s safe to move forward.

2. Break It Down—Way Down

Your prefrontal cortex loves a clear plan. Big tasks like “clean the house” or “finish the project” can feel like unclimbable mountains. Instead, shrink them into tiny, doable steps:

  • Instead of “write the report,” start with “open the document.”
  • Instead of “organize the closet,” begin with “pull out one shelf.”

Focus on just the next step. Once you check it off, the momentum builds—and suddenly, that mountain looks more like a hill.

3. Make Rewards Social and Meaningful

Your ventral striatum doesn’t care about another cup of coffee or a Netflix binge. It lights up for rewards that connect you to others or your values:

  • Social: Who can you share your win with? Plan to text a friend, “I did it!” or celebrate with a loved one.
  • Meaningful: Link the task to who you want to be. Maybe finishing that report means you’re responsible like your role model, or helping a teammate aligns with your desire to be kind.

For example, when I finally tackled that presentation, I told myself, “This is me being the reliable person my dad always was.” Plus, I called my best friend to brag when it was done. Those rewards pulled me through.

The Real Motivation Killer: Self-Criticism

Here’s the catch: None of this works if your inner critic is running the show. That voice saying, “You’re not good enough,” or “Why can’t you keep up?” isn’t motivating—it’s paralyzing. Often, it’s a leftover habit from childhood, when you needed help but got sighs or eye rolls instead. Over time, you learned to turn that criticism inward.

Next time it pipes up, pause. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who’s struggling?” Chances are, you’d be gentle: “It’s okay, you’ve got a lot on your plate. Let’s figure this out together.” Offer yourself that same grace. If the self-criticism feels like a brick wall, therapy can help you explore where it came from and set it aside—so you can focus on who you want to become.

You’ve Got This—And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Lack of motivation isn’t about laziness or a lack of discipline. It’s your brain crying out for safety, clarity, and purpose amid the chaos. By calming your limbic system, leaning on your prefrontal cortex, and feeding your ventral striatum with rewards that matter, you can break the overwhelm spiral and get moving again.

So, next time you’re staring down that to-do list, try this: Take a deep breath, list three things you’re grateful for, pick one tiny step to start with, and decide who you’ll tell when it’s done. You might be surprised how far it takes you. And if you’re still stuck? Reach out—to a friend, a loved one, or a professional. Motivation isn’t a solo sport, and you don’t have to go it alone.

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Kristi Wollbrink
Managing emotions

“Why did this happen?” How to Find Hope in Tragedy

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Loss and sadness naturally leave us feeling uncertain. This can bring with them a deeper yearning for understanding – this deep yearning for meaning in the midst of the pain.  Tragedy and loss naturally cause us to notice deep questions about ourselves and our experiences. This sense of searching for meaning in the midst of our pain and sadness.  

Often as we are experiencing a loss or crisis we find ourselves trying to find answers to help us understand why we are experiencing the pain.  We begin to find ourselves searching for answers to really hard questions.  

“Why me?”

Thoughts like “why?” or “why me?” begin to creep in and can feel very overwhelming.  These questions and wonderings are our way of seeking as a way of making peace with our experiences.  That’s is also why it can feel distressing and overwhelming to be asking these questions when there seem to be no clear answers to these questions.  

Our internal need for answers is a normal and natural longing.  Being unable to make sense of our experience and sensing that we cannot find the answers we so deeply need can lead to other linked experiences such as:

  • Anger
  • Irritability
  • Lack of motivation
  • Feeling numb
  • Increased anxiety
  • Racing or ruminating thoughts

These may signal a deeper need for an ability to gain a sense of clarity to help us to understand what has happened and the reason for the event or tragedy.  

You may notice yourself going back to this swirling thought:  “Why me? Why now? Why this way?”

Your search for meaning started as a child

There is this very primary response that we all have that needs to be able to connect with the meaning of a situation or experience.  For many of us, we may remember these moments in our early development where there is a continual quest for understanding.  This is often the season that tests the patience of most parents or caregivers when small children begin to ask the perpetual question of “why?”  

“Why does the sun look like that?”  “Why does the cat say meow?”  

Why, why why.  This is a primal instinct that is without question one of the most important parts of learning how to navigate things that feel uncertain or unknown.  In this process of wondering and asking we are also finding ways to care for our deeper emotional need for safety and security.  

One of the most valued and important feelings that we need is that of safety and security.  This need for security is absolutely related to our own desire to know that I am safe.  

We want to know we’re still safe

Moments of crisis shake the very foundation of our internal sense of safety.  These moments that feel like they shatter all that we once knew, also threaten this deeper feeling of security and safety.  

Being able to make meaning of these life shattering moments is one of the most important steps in being able to regain your feeling of inner rest.  The continual feelings of fear and uncertainty can seem endless and exhausting.  Yet, being able to notice the questions that keep coming up in a way that is accepting and compassionate can be just what you need to move from a place of fear and into a place of hope and rest.

What to do when you notice yourself caught in a flurry of wondering and ache.

Here are three things that can most help you make sense of the pain.

1. Give yourself space to ask questions.  It can feel scary to notice that we are wondering about things that seem to have no answer.  Yet, these questions are important to help you to seek a sense of meaning making that is so valuable in your own sense of understanding that you are so naturally seeking.  Think of this as your small child self that needs to ask the questions, even if there may not be a perfect answer that solves the wondering.  Sometimes designating a set amount of time to be able to sit with these deeper feelings and questions can be helpful to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Setting a timer and allowing a set amount of time for which you can allow yourself to explore the questions and feelings can be helpful.  Once the allotted time has ended you can begin to shift your focus and know that you come back to these thoughts again tomorrow or next week.  

2. Find a safe space to tell your story.  It can feel hard to feel like you are having to say the same thing again and again, without being able to move past the pain, but the pain is an important indicator that you need to seek out safe spaces to talk and be heard.  For many people, having friends and family who can listen and care are invaluable.  There is also something helpful about being able to share your story with others who have experiences that are similar to your own.  There is this incredible feeling that comes when you begin to share and someone says, “yeah, I hear you, that is totally relatable and understandable.”  Seeking out a support group or grief group for others who are going through a similar experience can be one of the greatest resources to help in regaining your own sense of well being. 

3. Seek out practices and spaces that help you in moments of difficulty.This could include practices that bring a sense of connection with your own empowerment, clarity about their own life purpose and spaces that help you live out your deeper personal values.  A great resources for times of fear and uncertainty can be to move into a connection with deeper values and meaning. 

– Spending time with important people.

– Find intentional ways that allow you to give back  

– Connecting with nature and beauty in the world around you. 

– Seeking out faith communities or other spiritual practices. 

When we go through difficult times, we can often find ourselves disconnecting from these places and people who are important parts of our own grounding and connection.  Creating a plan for intentional connection can be important and helpful, especially as you grapple with deeper yearning for understanding and meaning.

These moments of deep pain or unexpected loss can be some of the most difficult and unsettling experiences.  Allowing space to allow the questions to come can be an important part of helping to find a deeper sense of meaning.  Sometimes there isn’t a clear path forward, and sometimes the answers themselves may not feel clear or complete.  Yet you don’t have to feel overwhelmed in the midst of your pain.  There are ways that you can help to move through the questions with greater courage and peace.  

Seeking a safe place to be able to explore these deeper questions in the midst of tragedy is so very important.  Sometimes it can feel helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or other mental health professional to help support you in the process of seeking clarity during these difficult moments.

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emotional numbness
Managing emotions

Feeling Nothing? The Truth About Emotional Numbness in Men

Written by Jake Maxwell

Why Do Some Men Feel Emotionally Numb?

You find yourself going through the motions, unable to feel much of anything. Maybe you know you should be happy, sad, or excited but instead, you feel…nothing. Emotional numbness is a silent struggle many men experience, often without realizing it. Rather than feeling deeply, everything becomes muted, like watching life through a foggy window.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional numbness is more common than you might think, and understanding why it happens is the first step toward change.

What Is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness isn’t just about feeling down – it’s about not feeling at all. It can show up in different ways like:

  • Struggling to feel joy, even in situations that you think would be exciting.
  • Feeling detached from loved ones or relationships.
  • Having difficulty identifying what you feel, beyond just “fine” or “tired.”
  • Avoiding deep conversations or uncomfortable emotions.
  • Relying on distractions like work, social media, or alcohol to avoid inner thoughts.

At its core, emotional numbness is a disconnection from yourself. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from stress, pain, or overwhelming emotions. It can be helpful but maybe you’re reading this blog because you’re realizing that over time, it comes at a cost.

Why Do So Many Men Feel Emotional Numbness?

There are lots of reasons men might experience and those reasons can often work together to reinforce emotional disconnection. Here are some that might resonate with you.

1. The “Tough It Out” Mentality

From a young age, many boys are taught that emotions (especially sadness, fear, or vulnerability) are signs of weakness. Phrases like “man up,” “stop being so sensitive,” or “real men don’t cry” create a powerful message: emotions should be disregarded and pushed away. Over time, men learn to shut down feelings rather than express them.

2. Stress and Trauma

Emotional numbness often develops as a defense mechanism. When men experience high levels of stress, childhood trauma, or painful experiences, their brains sometimes “turn off” emotions to cope. While this can be useful in the short-term, staying in this disconnected state can lead to long-term emotional shutdown.

3. Depression & Burnout

Numbness can be a symptom of depression, even in men who don’t feel sad. Many men with depression describe feeling empty, fatigued, or uninterested in things they used to enjoy. Burnout, whether from work, relationships, or life stress, can also lead to emotional exhaustion, making it harder to feel anything at all.

4. Coping Through Distraction

Rather than confronting emotions, many men find ways to distract themselves like working long hours, scrolling social media, exercising, or drinking. While these behaviors might seem harmless, they often can serve as avoidance mechanisms that keep emotions buried rather than processed.

The Hidden Costs of Emotional Numbness

At first, numbness might not seem like a big problem. It can feel easier than dealing with difficult emotions. But over time, it starts to take a toll:

  • Strained Relationships: When emotions are suppressed, it becomes harder to connect with others. Partners may feel distant, frustrated, or even resentful when emotional expression is missing.
  • Lack of Motivation: Feeling detached can lead to a sense of aimlessness. Work, hobbies, and even social activities may start to feel pointless or unfulfilling.
  • Sudden Outbursts: When emotions are bottled up for too long, they often find a way out. Sometimes in the form of anger, irritability, or unexpected breakdowns.
  • Physical Health Issues: Suppressed emotions are linked to increased stress levels, which can contribute to high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and a weakened immune system.

How to Start Feeling Again

If you recognize emotional numbness in yourself, know that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Here are some ways to reconnect with your emotions:

1. Name What’s Happening

Acknowledging that you feel emotionally numb is an important first step. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to get curious about when and why it started.

2. Engage in Small, Mindful Activities

Reconnecting with your emotions doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Simple things like journaling or going for a walk without distractions can help you tune back into yourself.

3. Talk About Your Emotional Numbness

One of the most powerful ways to overcome numbness is to talk about it. This could be with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Opening up can feel uncomfortable at first, but it can also be a gateway to emotional reconnection.

4. Challenge Old Beliefs To Overcome Emotional Numbness

If you’ve grown up believing emotions are a weakness, remind yourself that vulnerability is actually a strength. The ability to feel deeply and express emotions leads to stronger relationships and a more fulfilling life.

You Don’t Have To Stay Numb Forever

Emotional numbness is a common experience, but it doesn’t have to define you. By taking small steps toward self-awareness and emotional connection, you can start to feel again and build a life that feels more meaningful and authentic.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out for support. Therapy can provide the tools to help you reconnect with your emotions and yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out for help today.

Learn About Therapy With Jake
regret
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Managing emotions, Podcast

[VIDEO] How to Escape the Pursue-Withdraw Trap in Your Relationship

Written by herecounseling

You’re in a relationship where every argument feels like you’re on a treadmill to nowhere. One of you chases for connection, while the other retreats into silence. This is the pursue-withdraw pattern, and it’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.

What is the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern?

The pursue-withdraw pattern is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner (the pursuer) seeks more interaction, validation, or resolution during conflicts, while the other (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed and tends to retreat or disengage.

John Allan Whitacre, AMFT, describes this vividly: “One person is going to stop at a rock and basically sit there and say, ‘Let’s just stop entirely. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.'” Here, the withdrawer might feel they’re not good enough or fear being criticized, leading to a retreat from interaction.

On the other hand, the pursuer, feeling neglected or anxious, might push for engagement, as Whitacre explains, “Another person may have been waiting all day at work to basically attend to their internal to-do list,” indicating a desire for resolution or closeness.

Pursue-Withdraw Pattern Causes Couples to Fight

The Emotional Toll: When one partner withdraws, seeking solitude or disengagement from the conflict, the other often feels abandoned or unloved, leading to a cycle of blame and retreat that can deepen the rift between you. This pattern becomes a repetitive dance where neither feels truly heard or understood.

Heightened Anxiety: This pattern isn’t just about disagreement; it’s about survival mode in your relationship. “We need to be able to fall back when life gets hard,” says Dr. Connor McClenahan, highlighting how this dynamic can turn a partner into a source of stress rather than support, escalating anxiety for both. The pursuer might feel desperate for reassurance, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the demand for closeness, creating a vicious cycle of increasing tension.

Connection and Identity is at Stake

Loss of Connection: Every cycle of pursue and withdraw chips away at the trust and intimacy you’ve built. “They’re both longing for safety,” Whitacre notes, but instead of finding it in each other, partners can feel increasingly isolated, even when they’re together. This lack of connection can lead to a profound sense of loneliness within the relationship.

Identity and Self-Worth: “I’m not good enough, so I need to retreat,” Whitacre describes the internal narrative of the withdrawer. Meanwhile, the pursuer might feel, “I need you. Where are you?” This dynamic can leave both questioning their value in the relationship and to each other. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and the belief in the relationship’s potential for happiness and fulfillment.

Awareness Breaks the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

Awareness is Key: “Especially on the front end. A lot of my work with couples is just helping them notice when they are coping,” Whitacre shares. Recognizing these roles you play can be the first step to breaking free from them. It’s about seeing the pattern for what it is—a defense mechanism rather than a personal attack or disinterest.

Communication Over Reaction: Instead of reacting out of hurt or fear, Whitacre pushes for understanding underlying needs. “What are you really trying to say to them?” he asks, encouraging couples to speak to their true feelings rather than their immediate frustrations. This shift can transform heated arguments into moments of vulnerability and connection.

The Healing Power of Therapy: “There actually is an opportunity to choose to either react to your feelings or respond to them,” Whitacre suggests. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics, learn new communication skills, and rebuild the connection. It’s about slowing down the interaction, allowing each partner to express what’s beneath the surface—fears, desires, and hopes.

A New Beginning as a Couple

The pursue-withdraw pattern doesn’t have to define your relationship. By confronting this cycle head-on, you can transform your partnership from one of survival and stress to one of mutual support and understanding. This podcast episode isn’t just about identifying a problem; it’s about offering a lifeline to couples caught in this loop, giving them the tools to reconnect, re-engage, and rediscover each other in healthier, more loving ways.

Imagine replacing those moments of withdrawal with gentle requests for space or understanding, and those moments of pursuit with compassionate invitations for closeness. By learning to communicate your needs without the baggage of past patterns, you can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and love. If you’re ready to step off that treadmill, it’s time to start rewriting your relationship story, one conversation at a time.

Couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT
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Does Couples Therapy Really Work? How to Make the Best Decision Together
Healthy Relationships

Does Couples Therapy Really Work? How to Make the Best Decision Together

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Every couple, no matter how strong their bond, will encounter stress at some point. It can be hard to know when to seek support, and even harder to take that first step. If you and your partner are struggling—whether it’s with constant disagreements, emotional distance, or a rupture that feels impossible to repair—you’re not alone in wondering,

“Do we need to go to couples therapy?”

and

“Does couples therapy actually work?”

In this article we’re going to answer these two essential questions about couples therapy. After reading, my hope is that you’re equipped to have a productive conversation with your partner about whether couples therapy is right for you. So first…

What Is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is a guided process where partners work with a trained therapist to navigate relationship challenges. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where both people can express their feelings, gain clarity, and develop new ways of relating to one another. No two couples experience therapy the same way because no two relationships are the same. Here are some simple examples of how couples therapy can be different. 

For some, couples therapy involves skill building and targeted issues

Some couples come in with what feels like a “check engine light” flashing in their relationship—they can sense that something is off, but they’re not sure what it is or how to fix it. Maybe small arguments are becoming more frequent, communication feels strained, or the connection that once felt effortless now feels harder to maintain. Therapy in this case can help identify the underlying issues and give couples the tools they need to reconnect before things escalate.

As a couple’s therapist, I’ve noticed that couples who seek therapy during periods of moderate stress often experience significant relief from the process. These sessions create a valuable opportunity to discuss essential topics like relationship priorities and communication boundaries. Engaging in therapy when stress is present but the relationship has a solid foundation can help prevent more severe or costly issues from developing in the future.

For others, couples therapy is an essential next step

Other couples enter therapy feeling like they’ve just been in a major car crash—something painful has happened that has shaken the very foundation of their relationship. This could be a betrayal, years of unspoken resentment, or a crisis that makes them question whether their relationship is even repairable. In these moments, therapy provides a structured space to process the hurt, understand each other’s pain, and determine the best path forward—whether that means healing together or finding a way to part with clarity and respect.

In my experience as a couples therapist, it often feels like years of accumulated baggage need to be addressed before real progress can be made. This can be discouraging for couples and may lead to a lack of motivation to engage in the therapeutic process or return to therapy. However, I have observed that the relief these couples experience when they begin to see progress in their relationship is significant. Although it can be challenging for couples to unlearn established patterns of behavior, creating new ways of relating in therapy can lead to a substantial increase in relationship satisfaction and a decrease in stress when facing daily challenges together.

Does Couples Therapy Really Work?

The idea of therapy can feel daunting, especially if you’re already feeling overwhelmed in your relationship. Maybe you’re wondering, Will this help us? Therapy isn’t a quick fix. However, it can be incredibly effective if both partners are willing to engage in the process. My role as a therapist is not to fix or save the relationship. Rather, it is to facilitate new opportunities for connection through insight and empathy. 

The effectiveness of couples therapy depends on several factors, including the willingness of both partners to engage in the process, the skill of the therapist, and the approach used. Research shows that evidence-based approaches for couples help improve communication, rebuild trust, and deepen emotional connection. A skilled therapist will not take sides or assign blame. Instead, they will help you and your partner understand each other’s perspectives, break negative cycles, and create healthier patterns of interaction.

I use Restoration Therapy, a method created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave, to help people understand their relationship patterns. This approach focuses on identifying issues from childhood that affect current behaviors in relationships. By bringing awareness to these attachment wounds and teaching new self-regulation skills, we can foster positive changes in how you connect with your partner.

That being said, therapy doesn’t guarantee that every couple will stay together. Sometimes, the healthiest outcome is gaining clarity about what you both need, even if that means making the difficult decision to part ways. But whether therapy leads to reconciliation or a conscious uncoupling, the process can bring healing, understanding, and a stronger sense of self.

When does couples therapy NOT work?

Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are committed to healing and are willing to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship. It can be challenging for couples who struggle with ownership. While therapy can help partners learn to take ownership, progress may feel slow for both the clients and the therapist. This happens if one or both partners have difficulty acknowledging how their behaviors impact the other.

Finding success in therapy can be challenging when one partner is not fully invested in the process. This lack of investment can stem from various reasons, such as being preoccupied with work, feeling skeptical about therapy, or lacking hope in the relationship. In some cases, attending a session just to explore the connection with the therapist can be beneficial. However, there are times when a client’s motivation for therapy may inadvertently hinder progress which can confirm someone’s hesitation for therapy in general.

How do we know if it’s the right time to start couples therapy?

Starting your search for the right couple’s therapist is an important step, even if you feel hesitant about therapy. A quick 15-minute consultation with a skilled professional can help you determine if it’s the right time to begin.

Make sure to discuss your intentions with your partner openly. Emphasize the positive outcomes therapy can bring, such as better communication and a stronger connection, rather than just focusing on the problems that led you to consider therapy. This approach may encourage a more open and willing mindset for both of you.

Is Couples Therapy Right for You?

If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, overwhelmed by conflict, or unsure of how to move forward together, therapy could be a helpful next step. There is no “right” or “wrong” reason to seek support. What matters is whether you and your partner are open to exploring your challenges with honesty and curiosity.

Relationships require care, just like anything else in life that we value. And just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With the right guidance, patience, and willingness to grow, healing is possible. No matter where you are in your journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Schedule a consult call with me today.

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Anxiety, Somatic Exercises

What is Embodiment? 3 Big Myths About Your Mind-Body Connection

Written by Addy Sonneland

You’ve heard of “embodiment” and you are curious how this could work for you. You find yourself stuck in your head, disconnected from your experiences, and just going through the motions. Maybe you have a general understanding of your emotions, but you feel a step or two away from truly feeling them. Stress and trauma have kept you from feeling fully present and moments of dissociation feel like regular occurrences.

You’ve tried the phrases, “mind over matter” or “just shake it off”. You know that feeling tense, numb, and overwhelmed is keeping you from being fully present. Additionally, You want to experience your emotions without feeling hijacked by them. You long to find ease – a desire to walk through life feeling grounded, connected, and comfortable in your own skin. You are longing for embodiment. 

Embodiment is a way of working with the mind-body connection, not by doing something entirely new, but by bringing awareness to what your body is already doing. As somatic trauma therapist, Manuela Mischke Reeds says,

“Embodiment is the awareness process through which we recognize ourselves as interconnected living systems.”

When we cultivate this awareness, we gain wisdom and insight, allowing ourselves to respond authentically and engage fully—both with ourselves and others. In this blog, we’ll explore how emotions take visible form in the body and how tuning into these signals can help you feel more present, grounded, and at home in yourself. Let’s talk more about embodiment and how somatic awareness works. 

3 Common Myths About Embodiment

Many people have misconceptions about what embodiment really is. Let’s clear up some confusion around the most common ones. 

1. Embodiment means always feeling “good” in your body

While embodiment includes focusing on comfortable or soothing sensations, it is not about finding a state of constant comfort or ease. It includes (but is not limited to) awareness of discomfort, tension, or even moments of disconnection from physical sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feelings, but rather to cultivate curiosity and compassion. 

2. Embodiment is something you achieve once and for all

As amazing as it would be, embodiment is not a final destination. Our awareness of our body and emotions fluctuates throughout the day. Embodiment is an ongoing process of noticing. The power of embodiment is found through returning to awareness again and again, building a relationship between the mind and body over time. 

3. Embodiment is just about movement or posture

While movement plays a role, embodiment is more than standing tall or stretching. It’s about recognizing how emotions show up in the body—like a clenched jaw in frustration or a sense of lightness in joy. Movement can help us learn to work with these sensations rather than ignoring or suppressing them.

3 Truths About Embodiment

Now that we have cleared up some misconceptions, let’s explore what embodiment really is and why it is so important. 

1. Embodiment is for everyone

A history of trauma is not required to benefit from developing somatic awareness. We all navigate stress, emotions, and daily experiences that shape how we feel in our bodies. Embodiment helps correct the tendency to intellectualize emotions—thinking about them rather than actually feeling them. Emotions begin in the body, and they always have a physical manifestation. Through sensory awareness—exteroception (external sensations), proprioception (body position and movement), and interoception (internal bodily signals)—you can learn to recognize and process emotions as they arise. When you do, you ground yourself in the present. 

2. Embodiment is an ongoing practice

It’s not a one-time realization but a long-term process of cultivating awareness to your body’s signals. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. Over time, you’ll develop a stronger felt sense– your innate, pre-verbal knowledge of the mind-body connection. Instead of relying on “mind over matter,” you’ll recognize when to rest, move, or seek support. This shift leads toward greater authenticity both with yourself and others. 

3. The mind and body are intimately connected

Finally, Your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are deeply intertwined through the truly brilliant vagus nerve. Dr. Willa Blythe Baker from the Mind & Life Institute notes, “Neuroscience now recognizes that the brain and the body are so intimately intertwined that they cannot be thought of separately.” Embodiment is not just about understanding your emotions but about sensing and processing them through the body. When you lean into embodiment, you move toward wholeness—engaging with life fully rather than slipping into disconnection or overwhelm.

Ready to reconnect with your body?

I help people just like you learn to move from overthinking to deeply feeling – so you can trust yourself, respond authentically, and feel more at home in your body. Embodiment is a process and you don’t have to figure it out alone.

I help people move out of survival mode and toward embodiment. We can work together to help you get there. In somatic therapy, we will use mindful awareness and gentle exploration to tap into your innate strength. This includes noticing body sensations, processing emotions through intentional movement, and inviting your body to tell the story. Your body is already speaking to you, somatic therapy helps you listen. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.

Somatic therapist in Pasadena who helps with trauma and anxiety
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[Video] Take off your “depression lens” by experiencing awe

Written by McKenzie Laird

So you’ve just encountered a disappointing setback at work that’s puts into question your self-worth. With every passing day, you feel negativity taking over. Its subtle at first, but is now overriding your system, leaving you wanting to do as little as possible. Feelings of hopelessness sweep over you, and it’s hard to get out of bed. Pretty soon you’re convinced nothing can make the situation better. Not wanting friends and family to experience you like this, you begin to isolate yourself and cancel existing plans. You wish there were something to pluck you from this debilitating spiral, but it just feels too powerful.

You wonder, “why is this happening to me?” You’re frustrated with yourself yet powerless to shift your mind or your body away from this pattern.

Awe: the counterweight to depression

Depression is connected to the complex emotional experience we call awe. Awe is the experience of making meaning from vastness and seeing the world differently as a result.

For instance, imagine this scenario:

Camping, depressing, and awe

You’re not much of a camper, but your friends pull you to join them on their annual camping trip to Yosemite. The impact of the night sky in nature is something you’re aware of intellectually. You’ve even been before, once or twice. However, there’s something about being here this time confronting you with just how incredibly small you are, and you hold your hands up to the sky for scale.

As you lie outside gazing into the dark and star-filled void, your mind wanders away from your small size and into the idea of being human. You look to the left and right of you at your friends. They each have their faces turned toward the sky. It’s quiet. You’re suddenly aware that you’re all together. Together at this campsite, in this country, on this planet. The silence breaks from bristling leaves. Then a crack of laughter. Someone leans over to you and asks, “so, why do you think we’re here?” 

Awe Moves Us From The Physical to The Psychological to The Existential.

Religious experiences, the birth of a child, and sunrises are some of the many experiences people claim as awe-inducing in their lives. Experiences of awe move the body from the sympathetic into the parasympathetic system of functioning. This is movement from our threat detection system to our relaxation and connective systems. For instance, the awe of watching a sunrise provides our body the sense of safety needed to access self-reflection and awareness.

This way, awe-based experiences are encounters with uncertainty. Encounters with wonder in physical, social, or conceptual forms confront us with our physical smallness and cognitive limitations. The fascinating details of a clear night sky, powerful waterfall, or stadium cheering decreases our self-focus and heightens our attention of the outside world. As we focus less on ourselves, interactions with vastness can challenge our ideas of the world. As a result, awe inspires acceptance of the world in all its uncertainty and mystery.   

Awe Changes Depression by Breaking Up Negative Thoughts .

Aspects of depression such as rumination and hopelessness emerge from strongly held beliefs about what the world is like. These beliefs about the world and ourselves then prime how we predict and react to the events around us. Outdated beliefs about life, such as “the world is entirely unsafe” keep us stuck in these depressive symptoms. However, feeling awe can help loosen the grip that our outdated beliefs about life have on us. This is because awe-filled encounters decrease our self-focus, which gets heightened in depression. Rigid and unhelpful beliefs loosen through encounters with vastness. This offers our brain a chance to update how we predict and react to people and situations in our lives. 

In one frame work called the Matryoshka Model, you can trace how encounters with awe shift from our electrical impulses to our physiology, to our psychology, and eventually to our attitudes about life.

Let’s delve into how the Matryoshka Model can illustrate the transformative power of awe on depression through different layers, like those nesting dolls, but with each layer representing a different type of change.

1. Awe Creates Neurological Changes in Depression

Firstly, let’s talk about electrical changes. When you’re in awe, it’s like your brain gets a reboot. Think of it as the lights coming back on in a room that’s been dark too long. Depression often dims our neural activity, but awe can spark a surge of electrical activity in areas like the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in attention and emotional regulation. This can disrupt the repetitive, negative thought patterns that characterize depression, giving you a new, brighter perspective.

2. Awe Creates Immediate Changes in Depression

Next, we move to immediate psychological changes. Awe acts like a lens, expanding your view from the narrow focus of self to the vastness around you. It’s like stepping out of a tiny, cramped room into an open field. This shift can halt the rumination cycle, where you’re stuck replaying your worries. Instead, you’re now engaged with something larger and more magnificent, which can lift your mood and bring a sense of peace, even if just for a moment.

3. Awe Creates Cortisol Changes in Depression

Diving deeper, there are neuroendocrinal psychological changes. Here, awe starts playing with the chemistry of your mind. It’s known to reduce levels of stress hormones like cortisol while possibly boosting feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin. This biochemical shift can help ease the physical symptoms of depression, like fatigue or pain, by calming the body’s stress response. It’s like awe sends a message to your body: “Let’s dial down the stress, shall we?”

4. Awe Creates Existential Changes in Depression

At the core, we have existential changes. Awe might not just change how you feel momentarily; it can alter how you see your place in the universe. Depression can make you feel insignificant or lost, but awe can reconnect you with a sense of purpose or meaning. It’s like opening the last doll to find not just another doll but a whole new world of possibilities. This layer can inspire you to rethink your life’s narrative, encouraging a journey towards what truly matters to you, fostering hope and resilience against depression.

So, through the Matryoshka Model, awe isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it’s a layered experience that can touch every part of your being—from the electrical zaps in your neurons to the deepest sense of your existence. Each layer peels back another aspect of depression, making way for healing and growth.

Awe Can Sometimes Increase Depression

While awe can induce feelings of greater connectedness to the world around us, the reality is that encounters with awe-inspiring events can also inspire feelings of powerlessness and insignificance. This occurs when the event is a frightening or saddening one, such as a destructive wildfire, severe snowstorm, or heart wrenching documentary about an issue you care about. When we begin to experience isolation, loneliness, and insignificance as a result of scary and tragic encounters, this is a signal that it’s time to reach out for connection from safe and trusted others. Finding connection with other people after difficult encounters helps us to channel our feelings of awe into a greater source of wisdom and meaning in life. Despite the complexities of awe, seeking out positive experiences of awe can promote our well being and thriving.

Seek Awe in the Everyday

Awe is both a collective and deeply personal experience. While it’s found by immersing oneself in nature, it’s also discovered in the details of daily life. According to Ambre Associates, Awe can be found without major travel or expenses with these 5 minute practices. Some include:

  • Taking a slow walk, stopping to gaze at something that catches your attention.
  • Listening differently. Focus on the sounds of the instruments in your favorite song, tune into the sounds of nature and public life.
  • Listening to a speech delivered by your favorite speaker.
  • Following Instagram accounts that share pictures of nature.

Reach out for help

Connect with someone who can support you in understanding existential depression and it’s impact on yourself, work, friends, and family. I help people access inner strength so they can lead lives of greater safety and freedom.

Therapy for trauma and depression with McKenzie Laird, AMFT
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[VIDEO] Somatic Therapist on How to Harness the Miraculous Power of Memory and Motion

Written by herecounseling

Arianne MacBean, a somatic therapist with a profound background in dance education and choreography, helps people with trauma and anxiety to create change using their bodies. On the surface, this idea sounds trivial, yet as Arianne explains, the body is absolutely central in any process of healing. Arianne shared her unique journey from leading dance workshops for veterans to becoming a somatic psychotherapist, illustrating how movement and memory can catalyze deep emotional and psychological healing.

How veterans heal trauma through movement

Arianne’s work began with veterans through “The Collective Memory Project,” where she combined writing and movement to help veterans process their memories. “We were dealing with memory making as a relational process,” Arianne explains. “It changes as you tell it and share it.” This initiative was not just about dance but about using movement as a medium to externalize and reinterpret personal experiences. Veterans found themselves in a space where their memories could be shared, reshaped, and witnessed by others, leading to profound moments of vulnerability, healing, and sometimes, performance on stage alongside professional dancers.

Moving from dance to therapy

The transition from dance educator to therapist was driven by Arianne’s realization of the deep therapeutic impact her workshops had. She noticed that moving memories physically allowed for an emotional release that talking alone could not achieve. “What we were doing was incredibly evocative, provocative, emotional, vulnerable, and healing,” Arianne recounts. This insight led her to pursue further skills in somatic psychotherapy, where she could formally integrate these practices into healing processes.

How Somatic Therapy Works

Arianne describes how, in therapy sessions, she encourages clients to embody their emotions or memories physically. “It’s a kind of embodied way of processing experience,” she notes. For example, she recounts a session where a client with an autoimmune condition physically took on a posture from a painful memory, leading to significant emotional shifts. This method isn’t about escaping discomfort but about engaging with it in a controlled, therapeutic setting, which can lead to acceptance and eventual relief.

The process allows for a re-experiencing of trauma in a safe environment, where the body’s memory can be explored and reframed. “It’s about feeling change, not just thinking it,” Arianne adds, emphasizing the emotional and bodily release that somatic therapy facilitates.

Somatic therapy exercises actually involve two people: you and the therapist

One of the key takeaways from Arianne’s discussion is the human connection in therapy. By sharing and mirroring physical expressions, both therapist and client connect on a primal, empathetic level. “I do a lot of movement with them too; I mirror what they’re doing,” Arianne shares, highlighting how this practice fosters an environment where healing can occur not just through distance or professional detachment but through shared human experience.

3 Somatic Therapy Exercises

Arianne suggests simple exercises for those dealing with panic or pain:

  • Acknowledge the Sensation: Recognize the pain or panic as a signal, not an enemy. “Hello, anxiety,” she suggests as a way to acknowledge rather than fight the feeling.
  • Breathe Into It: Instead of breathing away from the discomfort, breathe into it, sending your breath to where you feel the pain or anxiety. “It’s about inhaling and exhaling into the sensation,” she explains.
  • Re-center in the Present: Remind yourself of your current safety and environment, grounding yourself back to the present moment. “You’re here, you’re okay,” she reassures.

Arianne MacBean’s journey from the stage to the therapy room highlights a beautiful synergy between art and healing. Her work underscores the potential of somatic practices in psychological therapy, offering hope and new methods for those seeking to heal from deep-seated traumas or chronic conditions through the power of their own bodies. Her approach not only transforms personal narratives but also invites everyone to rethink how we engage with our emotions and memories, fostering a space where healing is both an individual and communal journey.

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