The diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is getting thrown around everywhere these days. It’s so common that some parents have become suspicious of the label while others become concerned that every problem their child has may be related to ADHD. But what actually is ADHD and would it be helpful to get a diagnosis for your child?
What is ADHD?
ADHD is more than just attention problems or hyperactivity. It is a mental health diagnosis that includes a long list of symptoms that occur when children (and adults) have difficulty with executive functioning. Executive functioning is our brain’s ability to plan ahead, sustain attention, organize, and stop certain behaviors.
When your child is arguing for the one hundredth time about taking a shower and you want to yell at them to just do it, but instead you take a deep breath and speak calmly…that is your brain using executive functioning to monitor your behavior. Getting yourself to focus on work, planning out what you need to do today and finishing the dishes when you don’t want to…that is also your brain using executive functioning.
Attention problems are a sign of ADHD but there is more to it.
What are the Symptoms of ADHD?
Here are some other signs of ADHD:
Loosing things frequently
Difficulty starting tasks (Ex. Needs frequent reminders to do homework or chores)
Difficulty completing tasks or following through with instructions (Ex. Completes homework but forgets to turn it in)
Makes frequent mistakes on things that they should know
Forgets things that they have to do daily
Gets easily distracted
Fidgets constantly
Has difficulty sitting still in sitting is required
Seems to be aways on the go
Runs or climbs when it is not appropriate to do so
Not able to play quietly
Blurts out answers to questions
Has difficulty waiting turns
Does not play quietly but is always making noise
Likely your child has struggled with one or more of these items, even if they do not have ADHD. And very few children will have all of these symptoms. But if your child has many of these symptoms AND it is impacting school, their ability to make friends or making home life very difficult, then they may need additional support.
When Should I Get Help?
If you are looking at this list and your child meets more than 5 of these regularly or a specific symptom is causing significant concern, then getting an evaluation from your pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional may be helpful. Without a professional evaluation, it is difficult to know for sure if your child meets criteria. This is because there are a few other factors involved. For example, other things can look like ADHD…like past trauma, anxiety, difficulty transitioning between homes or learning difficulties.
Is Getting a Diagnosis Important?
Getting a professional diagnosis may be helpful for you to know how to better support your child and to give you a road map of what to do next. A diagnosis can help you advocate for accommodations at school, discuss treatment with your pediatrician or know how to better structure your child’s time at home.
It’s a huge relief to finally find the mental health professional who is your “right fit.” Not only will you be able to receive the help and support you need, but you may also find that your overall sense of well-being improves as you work through your unique issues with the guidance of a compassionate and understanding professional. Certainly, when beginning the process of finding the right mental health professional, it can be difficult to know where to start. However, it is well worth the effort.
Sometimes, the decision is simple. If your goal is solely to seek information or a psychiatric medication prescription, then a psychiatrist is likely the best fit. Additionally, if you seek assessment to determine your diagnoses or if you qualify for accommodations, then you likely need a psychologist. However, if you are looking for therapy, then you have numerous options.
Why does it matter which type of mental health professional I choose?
Mental health is an important aspect of overall well-being. Thus, seeking out the right type of mental health professional for your needs can make a significant difference in your journey towards healing and self-improvement. Finding the right fit is crucial. It can impact the effectiveness of treatment and how comfortable you feel opening up and discussing sensitive topics. Presently, in this blog we’ll explore factors to consider when choosing a mental health professional so that you can choose the right type of therapist to best match your needs.
Mental health professionals are trained professionals who provide support, treatment, and care to people experiencing mental health challenges. There are many different types of mental health professionals, each with their own specific training and areas of expertise. Understanding the role of each type of mental health professional can help you find the right support for your needs.
How to Find the Right Mental Health Professional
I hope this chart helps you decide which type of mental health professional best meets your needs. To make an informed decision, I broke this chart down into detailed information about each type of therapist who can help you accomplish your treatment goals for therapy, assessment, or medication.
Types of Mental Health Professionals:
Psychiatrists
A lot of patients call me and are unsure of whether they need a psychiatrist vs psychologist. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in the treatment of mental health conditions. They can prescribe medication, provide therapy, and order laboratory tests or other diagnostic procedures to help diagnose and treat mental health conditions.
Training: They went to medical school, as opposed to graduate school for psychology/therapy. In California they are the only professionals on this list who can prescribe medication. Their training includes 4 years of medical school and another 4 years of residency in psychiatry.
Psychologists
Psychologists (like myself) are trained in the science of the mind and behavior. They can provide therapy to help individuals understand and cope with their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. They may do this by helping clients process their experience, identify patterns, and develop coping and problem-solving skills to better cope with or eradicate their symptoms.
Therapeutic Approach: They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches to help people change negative patterns of thought and behavior. This can include a wide variety of psychodynamic, humanistic, or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). This could include ACT, solution-focused therapy, relational, DBT, and so many other potential modalities. If you are looking for depth-oriented short or long-term psychotherapy with a specialist trained to work with your specific symptoms, a psychologist may be your best fit.
Training: Psychologists’ training includes 4-6 years of post-undergraduate additional schooling and specialization that incorporate clinical work throughout. This is followed by 2-3 years of pre- and post-doctoral clinical training.
Assessments: Psychologists are also trained to administer psychological assessments. This involves administering and interpreting tests to help understand an individual’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral functioning. If you aim to learn whether you qualify for diagnoses (and associated work or school accommodations), psychologists can conduct a wide variety of assessments.
For instance, do you think you might have ADHD? Do you feel you may qualify for many different diagnoses and aim to learn which actually apply to you? If so, then assessment can help you gain these answers as well as receive personalized recommendations about how to more effectively manage or eradicate your symptoms
Degree Types: It is important to note that there are two different types of psychologist degrees: PhD and PsyD. PhD’s are doctors of Philosophy, whereas PsyD’s are doctors of Psychology. PsyD graduate programs prepare graduates to apply scientific knowledge to working with clients therapeutically. PhD programs emphasize research by preparing graduates to study the theories behind psychological principles and practices. Many PhD programs also require applied clinical training. However, the major difference frequently lies in PhD programs requiring double the research as PsyD’s, and PsyD programs requiring double the clinical work (conducting patient therapy and assessment) as PhD programs.
Marriage and Family Therapists
Another common question I receive is about the differences between a psychologist vs MFT. Marriage and family therapists are trained to work with individuals, couples, and families to address relationship issues, communication, and problem-solving. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues. This may include mental health conditions, relationship problems, and parenting challenges.
Training: MFT’s are typically the second most trained type of therapist (excluding psychiatrists) after psychologists on this list. Their training includes a two-year graduate program followed by approximately two years of working with clients pre-licensure.
MFT vs Psychologist: Ultimately, the decision between a psychologist and an MFT will depend on your specific needs and preferences. If you are seeking support for a specific mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression, a psychologist may be a good choice. If you seek support for relationship issues or to improve communication and problem-solving skills within your family, an MFT may be a better fit.
Clinical Social Workers
Clinical social workers train to provide therapy, support, and advocacy to individuals, families, and groups. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues, including mental health conditions, relationship problems, and substance abuse. Social workers often work for organizations that provide community services, such as in government agencies or non-profit organizations.
Training: Similar to MFT’s, social workers’ training includes a two year graduate program. MFT’s typically follow this with approximately two years of training in the field.
Counselors
Many people wonder about the difference between a counselor vs clinical social worker. Counselors can provide therapy and support to people facing a variety of challenges. This includes mental health conditions, relationship issues, and career problems. They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as CBT or mindfulness-based therapy, to help people overcome their challenges.
Training: MFT training tends to be more variable. Depending on their qualifications, it often includes a 1-3 year training course followed by clinical work pre-qualification.
So which Mental Health Professional is right for you?
In summary, each type of mental health professional has different training and qualifications. Therefore, it’s important to find the right fit for your needs. It’s important to choose a mental health professional with whom you feel comfortable and safe. Trust and rapport are key to the therapeutic relationship. Therefore, it’s important to find someone whom you feel comfortable talking to about personal issues. Most mental health professionals offer a free consultation call to discern goodness of fit. Remember, if a therapist feels you are looking for something beyond their scope of practice, they should discuss your options. They may refer you to the type of mental health professional that is most likely to best meet your needs. Keep in mind, may take some trial and error to find the right fit. However, the effort is worth it for the benefits of effective treatment.
Understanding the Letters Behind the Name (PhD, LMFT, etc)
Understanding the letters behind a therapist’s name can help you decipher which type of professional you are reading about when you see someone’s title:
Psychiatrists:
Doctor of Medicine (MD)
Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO)
Psychologists:
Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) in the field of psychology
Doctor of Psychology (PsyD)
Counselors and Therapists:
LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor
LCADAC, Licensed Clinical Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counselor
Social Workers:
LICSW, Licensed Independent Social Workers
LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
ACSW, Academy of Certified Social Worker
Finally, remember that it’s okay to take your time and be selective in your search for a mental health professional. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Finding the right person to work with can make all the difference in your journey towards healing and growth. So, when you’re ready to take the next step and begin therapy or seek assessment, fill this out to schedule a free consultation call. Begin your journey today: contact a therapist
Shannon N. Thomas, Psy.D.
I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.
Times around the Holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. With the joy and excitement around this time of year, there may also be anxiety and the anticipation of hard conversations with family members and loved ones. We have all felt that pressure, regardless of dynamics, connecting with loved ones can be difficult.
However, maybe it’s about reframing your mindset around these talks. Instead of assuming it will be hard or uncomfortable, why not go into these environments with a few topic ideas? Let’s give a few tips and tricks for navigating your holiday conversations.
Choose your Holiday audience wisely.
It may not be beneficial to talk to your conservative uncle about the political climate as it always results in tension or resentment. Go into conversation knowing that the other is a safe person for you, even if that circle is small.
How do you choose who is safe? Ask yourself these questions before the gathering:
Who here makes me feel heard?
Where do I feel cared for?
Am I accepted by this person?
Pick topics that add connection than isolation around the table.
There’s not an issue talking about what you do for a living or if you’re in a relationship, but these kinds of questions can feel singular and dry and somewhat uncomfortable to answer. Adding in some vulnerability offers an open space for warmth and connection, without feeling too pointed.
Asking questions with intention can sound like this:
Who in your life are you enjoying time with?
What are you finding fulfillment in these days?
What activities have you been excited about lately?
Small talk topics don’t have to be so forced.
Personally, small talk bores me and I can’t bring myself to tune into what the other person is saying. Questions about the weather or latest news only get you so far. But small talk can be intriguing and fun if you take a different take on questions.
Taking an interest in the lives of others with small talk questions like these:
Ask about their routines!
Their morning or evening routines create a layer of connection and you may find some inspiration to try something new in your own routines.
Low stake debates.
Do you think the Nightmare Before Christmas is a Christmas movie or a Halloween? What fashion trends should never come back in style? Asking fun, engaging questions lightens tension and feels inclusive with others.
Heres thebottom line.
Holidays can feel hard when we let our anxiety, past interactions, or history outweigh what’s in front of us. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep the energy in a room flowing but it is your responsibility to manage your own.
If all of this feels overwhelming, if the holidays are painful for you, please reach out to our offices to set up a consultation. After all, the Holidays are meant to be spent in community and we hope to be here for you.
When you’re diagnosed with ADHD, it can be difficult to discern facts from reality. The same is true if you are in the contemplation phase; wondering if you qualify for an ADHD diagnosis can be difficult while sifting through all the misinformation on social media that is perpetuated across the internet and pop-culture. Here I explain the reality behind the five main ADHD myths I encounter the most when working with new clients who struggle with symptoms of ADHD.
ADHD Myth #1: “You’re just lazy”
One of the biggest misconceptions about undiagnosed people with ADHD is that they just aren’t trying hard enough. Over half of the patients with ADHD I work with have been blamed for their untreated symptoms. Do any of these statements sound familiar?
“You’re just not trying hard enough!”
“Everyone else can get it done in time!”
“You just need to be more determined.”
These are fallacies! Not to mention incredibly damaging and demoralizing. The reality is that there is NO psychological correlation between ADHD and laziness. Lack of effort is NOT a symptom of ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD work harder than their neuro-typical counterparts because of the symptoms they’re knowingly or, too often, unknowingly combating.
ADHD Myth #2: Symptoms include…”
If you have TikTok or Instagram then you probably haven’t managed to avoid the endless cycle of videos explaining what ADHD looks like.
Social media would have us believe that everyone qualifies for an ADHD diagnosis. Now, social media has done a great job of raising awareness about disorders that people may otherwise not have thought to explore, get tested for, and treat.
However, they also contain a lot of myths about ADHD. I’ve lost track of how many completely incorrect symptoms I’ve heard on social media, from symptoms that actually indicate other disorders altogether to “frequent tripping.”
The truth is, whenever you want to learn the specifics of psychological disorders, social media is such a mixed bag of fact and fiction that you’re likely to encounter too many of they myths we’ve discussed so far.
Instead, consult with a psychologist or the DSM. The DSM is our Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which we use for differential diagnosis. It describes the symptoms of every psychological disorder and how many of them you need to experience in a certain time frame to qualify for various disorders and specifiers.
In short, there are three subtypes for ADHD:
Predominantly Inattention Presentation
Predominantly Hyperactivity Presentation
And ADHD, Combined Presentation
Depending on how many of each type of symptom you meet, you can be diagnosed with one of these specifiers. In a future blog, I’ll break down each of these specifiers in greater detail. In the meantime, you can check the DSM (our current version is the DSM-5-TR) to learn more.
ADHD Myth #3: “Adderall is always dangerous and addictive”
A lot of people have concerns about taking medication for ADHD. This isn’t incorrect, but there are also a lot of myths about the statistics of how medication can impact you. In short, there are numerous types of medications that can be used to treat ADHD. Some of these are stimulants, such as Adderall and Ritalin, and some are non-stimulants, such as Wellbutrin and Stratera which can also be used to treat depression.
Just as psychologists are the experts on therapy, psychiatrists are the experts on medication. Your psychiatrist can provide education about the different types of medications and which may be the best suited to your specific needs and concerns.
Adderall is a class-A stimulant, which is why it needs to be carefully monitored by your psychiatrist. It certainly has the potential to be addictive, and can be dangerous due to its side effects such as appetite suppression which can lead to dangerous weight levels.
However, if used correctly and monitored responsibly, many people find Adderall to be highly effective to help mitigate their symptoms. But, then there’s the other side of the coin…
ADHD Myth #4: “Adderall is a magic pill; it fixes ADHD”
Adderall is not a one-stop-shop magic pill that will get rid of your symptoms. It won’t suddenly make you stop procrastinating or maintain focus on what you feel that you should be focusing on. However, many people find that it can give you a choice. In other words, it can help you feel capable of, for instance, maintaining attention, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still capable of procrastinating just like a person without ADHD can.
Some people do find that Adderall feels like this “night and day” experience that drastically helps them manage their symptoms. If you try it and find that is not your experience, remember that there are plenty of medication options and that plenty of people try various medications or dosages before finding the right fit.
I like to recall the mantra that a psychiatrist I used to work with utilized when advising patients beginning ADHD medication: start low, go slow.
ADHD Myth #5: You grow out of ADHD, it’s “a childhood thing”
This popular myth may have stemmed from the fact that, in order for a psychologist to diagnose you with ADHD, your symptoms must have manifested prior to age 12. So yes, ADHD must be present in childhood, but it isn’t confined to childhood.
Some people do find that their symptoms lessen with age. Some people needed medication while in school, for instance, but find it less necessary to take medication in later life.
Remember, however, that many people do not find that their symptoms decrease as they age. Many people report that they discovered coping mechanisms to aid their ADHD symptoms, which may contribute to them feeling that their symptoms lessened as they got older. These strategies may include the following, which I’ll expand upon in a future blog:
Breaking larger projects down into its minor components
Setting reminders for daily or important tasks
Taking regular breaks when studying or working, such as employing the Pomodoro technique
Making their work/study environment as distraction free as possible
Using rewards to motivate themselves
Identifying and utilizing an “acountabili-buddy.”
Next Steps
Separating the myth from reality is key when learning about your new or suspected ADHD diagnosis. ADHD is a diagnosis with a high percentage of comorbidity, which means that people with ADHD sometimes also have another diagnosis, such as Anxiety, Depression, or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).
When the line between myth and reality becomes murky, it can be difficult to discern which diagnosis (if any) is currently impacting you. That can make it hard to figure out the best “next steps.” These next steps likely include working with a psychologist to be assessed for ADHD and learn if you qualify for a diagnosis. A psychologist will help you develop behavioral strategies to alleviate your symptoms or differentiate the impact of multiple diagnoses. Your psychologist may also help you meet with a psychiatrist to learn if medication could help you manage your symptoms more effectively. My hope is that this blog will help dispel some myths, arm you with truths, and help you begin to discern the next step that will be most beneficial for you.
Don’t know if you have ADHD?
I can help you answer that question.
A clear assessment can make all the difference in your life. Find out how we can help you
I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.
Being able to tune in to what your teenagers needs will help break the silence in your relationship.
Your teenager has always been moody. It seems like this is just expected to be a part of this passage into adolescence. However, it can feel confusing to suddenly notice things seem even more frustrating as your teen is now hardly talking to you at all.
You may find yourself re-thinking things you’ve said or done that may have caused your teen to be pulling back and feeling distant. These thoughts can sound like this:
Was it something I did?
Did I say the wrong thing?
Have I not done enough?
Maybe it isn’t one thing that you said or did that has caused your teen to be withdrawing.
It’s important to remember that teens are going through a lot of changes. They are beginning to develop their own sense of self, which includes a natural tendency of withdraw in their quest for autonomy.
Yet, the response of silence and withdrawal in your teen may also be linked to a natural human tendency for self protection. This is linked with our natural fight and flight response.
Withdraw is often a part of our natural defense function that turns on as a way to protect ourselves when some kind of threat or danger is perceived.
This response is common when something within us senses uncertainty in our ability to support ourselves in the face of difficulties or conflict. The sense that we may not be have the strength or resources to be able to stand up and win, our internal emotional radar will instead choose to flee as a way to stay safe.
This silencing or withdrawing comes out of your teenager’s sense of threat of danger to their sense of safety and security.
Your teen’s silence may simply be their way of letting you know that they want to feel safe enough to talk to you.
Your teens silence may be their way of letting you know that there is something they are needing to feel loved and safe. Take their silence as a nudge to access their needs.
It may be that there are some ways you may be talking to your teen that in turn may have your teen closing down and getting quiet.
Even though it might look like your teenager doesn’t need you or want you around, they do need you. They need your support and care – and deeply desire to know that you are there for them to provide the care they need for what they are going through.
Tuning in to your teenagers need to feel heard, valued and supported are essential to giving your teen what they need most.
Take time to hear what your teen has to say.
Your teenager is going through a lot of self development and exploration. Teens are still in the developing stages and their choices and interests may at times seem very confusing to you, yet allowing your teen to feel heard is one of their deepest needs.
A helpful tip:
Shift away from responses of problem solving and instead toward that of allowing your teenager to share and express themselves to you. By simply listening and reflecting what it is you are hearing you teen is sharing with you will go a long way in creating a space for them to continue to develop a sense of safety and openness.
Allow your teen to feel valued for who they are.
Your teenager is learning to explore and express themselves in the world. All the while, they are asking a deeper question of “Is who I am ok?” One of the biggest ways they are looking to have this answered is within their sense of their own value and importance within their closest relationships.
A helpful tip here:
Interacting with your teenager in a way that continually expresses and reflects their value and importance to you and within the family will create a foundation for this space of unconditional value and acceptance. Take time to see and express the value that they hold will go far in allowing your teen to experience the belonging they need most.
Show your teen endless support!
Teenagers may no longer needing care and support that they have needed throughout their earlier stages of life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t still need to sense the same feeling of support from you.
There is a deep desire to know that you are there for them, no matter what.
This includes the times when they make mistakes or share things that don’t align with your rules or values. This doesn’t mean that you won’t also help to provide boundaries or enforce important areas for their safety, but helping to slow down your immediate response to guide or lecture and simply being willing to listen and support your teen will allow your teen to sense that you are there for them and on their side, no matter what!
A helpful tip:
Offering space for your teen to talk about hard things, and giving time to just listen and share that you understand and care about what they are going through will go a long way in helping your teenager feel supported, safe and deeply cared for.
Kristi Wollbrink
COUNSELING FOR TEENS AND COUPLES I help teens and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection
Stress hits every individual differently, regardless of gender orientation or expression. But men struggling with too much stress often adopt negative coping skills that may not always be obvious. These negative coping skills, such as irritation, escape, unhealthy eating, and maladaptive digestion to name only a few, can effect way more than just your mental health.
Stress is sometimes good. It can keep you motivated to get your work done, stay social, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. But chronic stress results in health complications that can limit your quality of life.
Here are the physical, mental, and emotional signs that indicate you’re at risk of developing chronic stress.
What are Physical Indicators of Stress in Men?
We often think of stress as worry or fear of that upcoming deadline or of checking off enough items on the to-do list. But often we fail to realize that stress comes with many physical symptoms as well.
Chronic stress is evidence of an overactive fight or flight response which, by nature, draws your body’s attention away from important functions like digestion and immunity, and instead increases your heart rate, muscle energy, and breathing. Chronic stress can therefore increase infection risk and slow healing, and cause problems in your gut and nutrition absorption.
Physical indicators of stress:
Chest pain
Irregular heartbeats
Elevated blood pressure
Body weakness or fatigue
Shortness of breath
Muscle spasms
Neck or lower back pain
Vertigo or Dizziness
Tension Headaches
In addition, you may also experience:
Tightness in the throat
Increased thirst or mouth dryness
Teeth grinding or locked jaw
Frequent sweating
Abdominal cramps
Digestive issues such as constipation, diarrhea, or indigestion
Skin problems such as acne or blemishes
Weight gain or loss
If you’re experiencing any physical signs of stress, do not ignore them. Find the right therapist and visit your doctor to make sure you’re not suffering from any underlying medical issues.
What are the Psychological Indicators of Stress in Men?
When your body is under the influence of stress, it produces hormones like cortisol, affecting your thinking pattern.
Stress also blocks the release of happy hormones from your brain, such as serotonin and dopamine.
Psychological indicators of stress include:
Lack of sleep or insomnia
Social withdrawal
Inconsistent sex drive or libido
Constant mood swings
Fidgeting or irritability
Frequent hunger pangs or starvation
Escape to alcohol or other substances
Diminished productivity or creativity
If you find yourself checking off items from these lists, check out Kristi’s recent post on 3 tried-tested ways to clear your mind. It’s pure gold! And if you find yourself craving extra guidance, reach out to us for a free consult.
What are the Emotional Indicators of Stress in Men?
Whenever stressed, your brain tends to entertain irrational beliefs. These unhelpful thoughts can cause incredibly painful emotions, and sometimes harmful choices that can lead you down a direction contrary to what you imagined for yourself.
Emotional indicators of stress:
Regular crying spells
Staying at home more than usual
Avoiding friends or family
Saying “no” to activities you usually enjoy
Frequent nightmares
Obsessive or compulsive behaviors
Escape to alcohol or substance use
Find ways to bring oxygen to your difficult emotions by opening up with safe individuals. By releasing tough feelings from your body, you free your body to return to its baseline, peaceful functioning.
Does Stress Make You Sick?
With your fight or flight system calling the shots, your body’s ability to maintain your physical health is hijacked. This can put you at risk of cardiac disorders, gastrointestinal disorders, increased virus risk, sexual dysfunction, or other physical difficulties.
Here’s the bottom line:
Stress disrupts every phase of your life and snatches your independence by putting you at a higher risk of developing multiple mental and physical disorders. If you’re experiencing a majority of the above-mentioned physical, mental, or emotional factors, you might be at risk of chronic stress.
You owe it to yourself to seek help. Visit your doctor to insure you aren’t suffering from a medical condition. Feel free to reach out to me or the other therapists at Here Counseling if you’d like an experienced guide on your side as you navigate your way out of chronic stress.
This week, a 12am deadline came on the same day a super cute someone invited you to the event with the film club after class. And last week, hours of YouTube searches didn’t help you narrow down between your 3 top potential majors. You know you need to navigate between sleep and deadlines and family and dating and maintaining friends, but it all seems too much.
Being a college student comes with a fair amount of stress. Trying to balance these never ending elements can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. What’s worse is that during such periods of stress, our brains are primed to adopt a negative self-monologue.
Turn down the stress voice
Underneath these negative monologues is an unhelpful belief about the self. See if any of these messages fit with your experience, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:
“I’m alone.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I’m not loved.”
Take a moment to reflect and analyze what your recent train of thought has been. Asking yourself these questions, could help you narrow it all down:
How has it made you feel?
Do you have that constant trepidation that everything is going to get worse?
Are you replaying all the ways certain people or events have made you feel like you’re not good enough?
Do your dreams feel far from reach?
Raise the volume on your empowerment voice
Slow down for a moment. Take a look at how far you’ve come. It’s easy to focus on how much you’ve not done or the mistakes you’ve made.
You cooked dinner for yourself? That’s amazing.
Came to class even though you were emotionally exhausted? You’re doing your best.
Have you fought the onslaught of negative words? That’s bravery.
In taking the chance to celebrate your wins, you adopt a more empowering self belief. See if any of these empowering identity messages fit for you, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:
“I have plenty of support around me.”
“I’m good at many things.”
“I can be safe with healthy boundaries.”
“I know people who love me.”
Try spending the first 2-5 minutes of your day celebrating what’s right in your life and what that means about your empowering identity message. You can go on preparing for your day. Celebrate all the wins you can in this time. Clap for yourself; applaud your endeavors, high five your mirror reflection!
Live in your newfound empowerment.
Think of these identity volumes as operating frameworks. When you step into the day from the framework of “I’m not good enough”, you second guess decisions, taking a long time to make any choice. Perhaps you’ll avoid talking to someone you find attractive. And sitting to write that term paper feels like running a marathon.
When you increase the volume on your positive identity beliefs such as “I’m good at many things”, you experience the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. You discover an empowerment to make good choices quickly. You find that the term paper doesn’t bring as much stress as before.
Knowing when you need therapy
Choosing to alter your operating framework to a more empowering self belief is not so simple all the time. Very often, we need to pick apart our life stories and our present stresses in order to understand and even believe what is truly positive and strong about who we are. This journey of exploration can easily be facilitated in a therapy setting. In therapy, we’ll peer underneath the messages and events holding you back from the goals you’ve set for yourself, uncovering and dismantling their negative power on your progress.
Fill out a contact form or call our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you navigate through the stresses of college life.
Gavin Cross, LMFT
Counseling for men and couples I empower men and couples to embrace an authentic sense of self.
“Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.
Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.
As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”
You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.
What Is Tiger Parenting?
The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.
Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:
Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)
A belief that discipline = love
In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.
TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY
Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth.
If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:
Cultural and familial context matters
We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents
How It Affects You as an Adult
Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.
Many adult children of tiger parents experience:
Chronic anxiety or burnout
A harsh inner critic
Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
Shame around failure or “letting people down”
Struggles with identity or decision-making
Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.
DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!
Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.
Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors.
TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD
In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds.
It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles.
TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL
Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.
We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.
The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.
You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.
You might:
Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
Avoid disappointing others at all costs
Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve
These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.
How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting
You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.
Together, we can:
Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
Learn how to set boundaries without shame
Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance
In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.
Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.
Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This
So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.
And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.
You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.
Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.
If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:
Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.
Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.
Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling
At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.
We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.
You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.
I know it might sound a little wild but finding a therapist is a lot like dating. Think about it: you go through the classic online searches and scrolls, you ask your peers if they have anyone in mind, and you spend a considerable amount of time and money getting to know potential prospects in the hopes that something clicks.
“Therapy can be an important investment in your mental health. Finding the right therapist will benefit you immeasurably for life.”
If you have felt like the journey to find “the one” has been overwhelming and seemingly impossible, you are not alone. There are plenty of things that do not work when finding a therapist. However there are some great things that do! Below are three tips to help you find that match for you:
Knowing what to look for in a therapist can feel never ending. Let’s narrow it down!
1.) Get clear about what you are hoping to find in therapy.
There are many different types of therapy to choose from and some may not work for your needs. Even if your friend swears by their therapist, your needs may be different. It’s important to ask yourself questions before getting out there to search.
These questions can sound like:
What trauma am I needing to heal? Whats my reasoning for seeking therapy?
What kinds of therapy are helpful to that healing?
Am I in a place where I can accept hard truths about myself?
Bottom line here is that we know ourselves well enough to know when something feels off. It’s important to take time to process these feelings and experiences as you start your search. Use this time for self reflection and make a list of needs!
Your needs are important to your healing
2.) Search for a therapist based on your area of need.
Now that you have answered those harder personal questions, it’s time to start your search. Begin by researching clinicians in your area and narrow down a few that look promising and call to set up a few consultations.
Here are some helpful links to reference in your search:
It’s okay to date around here! Make a few appointments with different people, schedule a second if you feel comfortable. At the end of the day, it’s more about how you feel about them than how you think they are viewing you. Ask about their practices, their training and be clear with them about what you’re expecting from your experience.
Look for a therapist, not just therapy
3.) Understanding that therapy is not a one size fits all
Hard to believe, but not every therapist will work for you. Like dating, you may think they are nice to talk to but if they are not able to provide what you are needing in order to grow, it’s okay to move on. It can be a timely process so remember to be patient and understanding with yourself and others as you navigate this journey.
Once you find a therapist that clicks with you, it’s time for the harder work to begin. Therapy is not the end of a healing journey but the very beginning. It won’t always feel good and it can be hard to hear what your therapist has to say.
Maybe framing it this way will be helpful:
“You don’t go to therapy, you go to a therapist. Ultimately, it is not the manual used treatment that will be helpful and meaningful to you, it will be a specific person who has walked through this journey with you.”
The goal of therapy is to walk away knowing you have taken the proper steps to care for your mental health. Finding a therapist that aims to guide you in that journey, makes all the difference.
Teen years are some of the most essential years for development and also bring a great range of experiences. Sometimes, in the midst of these many changes, teens may display an increase in expressions of emotional highs and lows. The teenage years are a time of self exploration and development which can feel exhilarating! On the other side of this, there can be a deepening of experiences that feel uncertain and can involve feelings of lowered self worth and depression. While it is normal for teens to experience a variety of emotions, it is important to be aware of what may be a sign that your teenager could be experiencing a depressive episode.
Before you assume depression, look deeper
You may be asking yourself whether or not your teen is experiencing what would be considered normal changes in temperament and mood within these teenage years – or if this could be an indicator of depression?Often parents of teenagers find themselves worried that they may be brushing things off, when in fact the things they are seeing are something that needs greater attention and concern.Other times, parents find themselves feeling anxious that they aren’t doing enough and fear that they may miss some important sign that could signal greater danger for their teenagers personal well being. Having some clearer guidelines for knowing when things fall outside of the normal range can help you to know if your concerns for your teenagers behaviors are signs of depression.
It could be helpful to use these three simple indicators to help in understanding if your teenager is experiencing a depressive episode.
How long is too long for my teen’s mood?
Change in mood can happen for a variety of reasons, especially in the years of adolescence. However, the difference here is a matter of consistency. It is important to note that just because a teen may seem a little more reserved or withdrawn it does not necessarily indicate the presence of a depressive episode. Teens often have times when they will be more withdrawn or tend to pull back in their normal interactions at home. This can often be a natural shift toward the importance of peers or other relationships in their lives. A good indicator of a change in mood that may be of greater concern for your teen is that of
experiencing a low or diminished mood for two weeks or longer
continued sadness
feelings of hopelessness
tearful spells
displaying a lack of desire or engagement in activities that they find pleasurable
Is my teen’s mood effecting their daily life?
It is important to consider the effects regarding changes in mood and behavior, including any of the following changes:
significant change in weight or a change in appetite
change in sleep patterns: either a decrease in sleep patterns (difficulty falling or staying asleep) or increase in sleep (greater than the normal range of 8-10 hours of sleep)
consistency in feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
lowered ability to concentrate or difficulty in making decisions on a consistent daily basis
the feeling of lowered motor physical ability or feelings of physical sluggishness happening nearly every day
These may be things you hear your teenager complaining about or may be things that you or others are noticing for your teenager. If at least two or more of these are present and happening nearly every day, then this may be an indicator that your teen is experiencing something greater than just a normal change in mood.
How is their mood impacting their academic and social performance?
The change in functioning is one that is also very important to consider for your teen. A question you may want to consider is how the change in your teens mood is affecting their ability to perform normal daily activities. Some things to consider for this include:
if the change in their mood has had an impact on their school attendance or punctuality, the ability to maintain part time work of any kind
their ability to maintain their social or peer engagements such as normal activities at school, church or other social activities.
change in mood is having any effect on their level and engagement in usual self care such as hygiene and personal care, or ability to make a keep a schedule (ie eating regular meals or completing required homework).
Understanding the changes that your teenager may be going through can prove difficult. Ensuring that your teen has the support they need to help them to understand what they are experiencing can be essential.I would love to set up a time to be able to schedule an initial consultation to help your teen find what they need to navigate their teenage years.
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
I help teens and couples decrease anxiety to find meaningful connection.
