Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Overcome Seasonal Depression: Best Tips for Thriving in the Winter and Creating New Habits

Written by Rose So

As you see the sun increasingly less during this time of year, you might also find yourself feeling sad and wondering why things are feeling more and more difficult. You notice that it’s harder to keep up your motivation. You’re feeling disconnected from your friends and family. There are days you feel significantly weighed down by your sadness. All you want to do is lay down, take a nap, and not have other responsibilities to attend to. You might wonder if you have seasonal depression: depression triggered by the loss of daylight during winter.

To make matters even more difficult, you feel like you should be happy. Everyone around you seems to be in a celebratory, holiday mood. But for you, thinking of the holidays brings up dread, sadness, and loneliness. You’re not quite sure why, but you know this is not your favorite time of year.

Seasonal depression and the shorter day

The winter change in sunlight exposure tends to signal sad feelings. You’re used to seeing the sun when you’re up in the morning and at the end of the day as you wind down for the night. When the light signal travels down our optic nerve, from our retinas to the occipital lobe (visual field processing), it passes the hypothalamus. Our hypothalamus is responsible for the regulation of many bodily functions, and is closely tied to our limbic system (emotional processing). The more light signal that flows past the hypothalamus, the more it stimulates our mood. With less light, our motivation and mood tends to be lower during this time of year.

Seasonal depression has to do with your memory

Emotional priming and conditioning can be another relevant factor in your mood changes. As the weather slowly gets colder and the amount of sunlight you see during the day begins to decrease, your brain knows that winter is approaching. You’ve been primed to know that these kinds of changes mark the beginning of the Fall and holiday season, which then brings up procedural memories – you begin to feel just like you felt at other winters. In fact, our minds are biased: our brains are better at remembering negative or painful events than positive events. This is where conditioning comes in; you’ve begun to grow conditioned to feel a certain way as you notice the changes happening at the start of the season. You begin to slow down and feel sensitive in ways that typically don’t happen during other times of the year.

            As you notice these external and internal changes happening, instead of sinking deeper into your sadness and succumbing to your feelings, it’s important to be intentional in taking care of yourself. Although doing so may not completely irradicate how you’re feeling, it may at least help mitigate those feelings and decrease the intensity of them.

Things You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself During This Time.

1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling.

Instead of trying to push your feelings away and attempt to ignore them creeping up on you, acknowledge them. You can do this by simply journaling down your thoughts and feelings at some point during the day – whether that be in the morning before you start your day or at night as you get ready for bed. It can feel scary to admit difficult feelings you’re experiencing, but it can also bring so much relief. It’s okay to feel the way you do; you don’t have to work so hard to deny those feelings.

2. Connect With a Friend.

It’s so easy to hole up in your room or home and not prioritize your social needs when you’re feeling down. Everyone seems to be particularly busy around the holidays and you don’t want to feel like a burden to your friends. But by not making time for your friendships, you end up exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Instead of contributing to those feelings, reach out to a friend and get a meal together. Go on a walk together. Grab a drink together. Plan a time to meet virtually for long distance friendships. Do something that will help you feel connected with the people you care about, rather than feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it helps to have dates on the calendar when you know you’ll have a welcomed meeting with a friend.

3. Set Boundaries.

Setting boundaries can feel like a scary or daunting task but it doesn’t have to be. During a time when you’re feeling more sensitive, it’s so valuable to know and respect your own boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Say yes to the social and holiday gatherings you feel good about; say no to the ones that you dread. For events that aren’t possible to excuse yourself from, set time limits for how long you’re willing to be present for. It’s okay to scoot out after you’ve reached your limit. There’s endless possibilities to things that you can set boundaries for – make it personal to you. It may be difficult initially to hold yourself to your boundaries but doing so is a way to be kind to yourself during a time that feels tough.

Your Feelings Are Valid.

During this time of year that’s meant to be “Holly Jolly,” know that you aren’t the only one who may be feeling the exact opposite of Holly Jolly. Bottom line is that it is okay for you to feel this way; it is okay that you tend to struggle with seasonal depression at this point each year. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you ride out the waves of this season.

If you find yourself wanting to explore and process your feelings further, reach out to a professional for help. That’s another way you can take care of yourself during this time that brings up a range of conflicting emotions.

Learn about Therapy at Here Counseling
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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Holiday Resilience: How to enjoy your break despite disappointment

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season.  This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities.  Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays.  It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities.  But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.  

These three simple steps can help you to navigate holiday disappointment. 

Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy.  This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration.   Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.

Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs

Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events.  Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws?  Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship?  Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most.   Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment.  Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. 
Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight.  This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen.  Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis.  By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.  

Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.  

We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays.  But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress.  When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold.  We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss.  Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.  

But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.  

Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful.  Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed.  Ask yourself:

How am I feeling right now?  

What has gone well today that I feel proud of?  

What moments were not as I had hoped?

These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed.  This keeps you in a place of control and regulation.  It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed.   Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration.  Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.

Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance. 

The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks.  Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed.  Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self.  Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance.  Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment.  Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.  

The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement.  Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments.  Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.

While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.  

Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful.  Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.  

Learn about how Kristi Wollbrink can help
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when people understand red flags they can avoid toxic friendships
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Toxic Friendship? How Red Flags can be Opportunities for Growth

Written by Rose So

There’s always that one friendship that feels more tough than easy. You find yourself often frustrated with that person and misunderstood. Maybe you feel like you put way more into the friendship than the other person does. At its worst, you feel used or manipulated. You wonder if the friendship might qualify as a toxic one.

Perhaps this person even reminds you of a previous difficult friendship. Here’s what a toxic friendship might feel like.

  • You find yourself wondering why there are so many eerie similarities between your current friend and that previous friend
  • You start to play the self-blame game and wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the one that’s difficult to be friends with
  • You feel that you consistently give more to the relationship than you receive
  • You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid of a conflict or abandonment

But friendships always involve two people. There’s a dynamic that just one person cannot be 100% responsible for.

These red flags aren’t simply a signal that you ought to leave, though sometimes that’s needed. They’re opportunities to reflect on similar patterns that have happened throughout your life.

We are drawn to friendships that feel familiar.

This can be both a good and bad thing. When we’re drawn to healthy, reciprocal, safe friendships, it’s a no-brainer that we’d continue to surround ourselves with those types of people. However, sometimes we can also find ourselves drawn towards individuals who don’t feel that way; we find ourselves surrounded by individuals who feel chaotic, distant, and even toxic.

It might not be so obvious at first – you find yourself making excuses for the other person, or being overly accommodating. You attend to their needs at the expense of your own. Slowly over time. your feelings don’t feel valid. You’re constantly apologizing or walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t be yourself. You start blaming yourself for the problems in the friendship and try to adjust in order to make the friendship work. You find yourself often feeling anxious or sad when you think about or have to be around this friend.

The hardest part is that this is not the first friendship that has felt this way. So you feel frustrated that it feels like history is repeating itself again. You wonder why you find yourself in this position again. You begin to believe that you might actually be the problem or maybe that it’s not possible for you to have good friendships.

Here’s Where Red Flags and Green Flags Come In.

Green Flags

All of us have learned certain relational patterns throughout the course of our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to have had mostly safe, reciprocal relationships from early on, then we know what those feel like and are naturally drawn to those kinds of individuals. We know the green flags to look out for and the red flags to avoid; green flag friendships are the ones we end up keeping around, while red flags ones are the ones we end up putting distance between.

Red Flags

However, for those that grew up with chaotic, dysfunctional, distant, or unsafe relationships, your sense of green and red flags has been thrown off. You’ve learned how to operate and survive with red flag individuals. You’ve learned to stay silent or to be overly accommodating. You’ve learned to avoid addressing your needs and feelings. You’ve learned all the “right” things to do and “wrong” things to avoid to keep this relationship around.

You don’t like feeling this way but this is the type of relationship that feels most familiar to you and, unconsciously, you find yourself drawn to those that result in you continuing to repeat this relational pattern.

Why it may be helpful to pause, acknowledge, and process your relational patterns

1. You don’t like how you feel.

Maybe you find yourself feeling noticeably anxious or sad around this friend. Maybe your self-esteem has been negatively impacted throughout the course of the friendship. Whatever feeling it may be, you know it’s not how you normally feel or how you feel when you’re with safe, reciprocal friends.

2. You can begin to identify your own relational needs and desires.

What are the green flags that make you want to continue to invest time and energy into a friendship? What are the red flags that might warrant pausing and assessing how to move forward in the friendship? Safe friendships don’t consistently feel one-way or one-sided; there should be a mutual give and take. Is it possible to have conversations about your wants and needs in the friendship? If not, maybe that’s an indication of the kind of friend that the other person is or is not able to be.

3. You can recognize green flags and red flags more quickly in future friendships.

This is key in the process of changing unhealthy relational patterns and learning new ones; you don’t know what needs adjusting until you can identify the things that are not working. By acknowledging your own unhealthy relational patterns, you open up the possibility of learning to engage differently with those around you, which then allows you to form relationships with the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

Moving Away From Toxic Friendships Towards Safe, Green Flag Friendships

Acknowledging and changing old relational patterns is hard work. It requires time, effort, and patience but the benefits of investing in yourself in this way are significant.


You don’t have to stay stuck in the same types of friendships that leave you feeling confused, misunderstood, and alone. If relationships are an area of your life that you want to improve, reach out and work with a professional to do so. You don’t have to do it alone.

Learn more about therapy with Rose
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Managing emotions

Will I ever get over this grief? How to integrate loss to create hope

Written by Here Counseling

“Almost all therapeutic work is grief work,” I remember one of my psychology professors saying. This stood out to me as ringing true. We feel grief in many dimensions of our life, in loss, of course, but also in change, even in renewal. We can feel grief when we enter a new phase of our lives, longing for times when things seemed simpler or easier. We can also grieve for a past self and wish to feel like them again. You may have not allowed yourself to fully grieve the complex parts of yourself. Sometimes we want to simply “get over” our grief. Ultimately you will find that processing your grief is possible in therapy.

When we feel sad, we can numb ourselves or turn away from the uncomfortable feelings to cope with the internal pain. We grew up with messages like, “Nobody likes a sad sack.” or, “Don’t be a party pooper.” or, “Put on some lipstick and you’ll feel better.” We are taught that “wallowing in pain” is what weak people do. The irony is that, in fact, wallowing in pain is what strong people do.

Getting over Grief vs Moving Through Grief

Getting over grief

Dr. Gabor Mate said, “All of western medicine is built on getting rid of pain, which is not the same thing as healing. Healing is actually the capacity to hold pain.” We spend so much energy keeping “bad” feelings away that we unintentionally equate any emotional discomfort as not being “good.” When dealing with grief, the opposite is true. We need to pour the energy we use keeping pain at bay into surrendering to it in order to move through it.

Processing grief

So, how do we feel grief without completely succumbing to it? Firstly, we do not focus on “getting better,” or “returning to normal.” As hard as it may be, we take each step of the process as it comes, trying to hold the despairing feelings with compassion while maintaining a core sense of self as you focus on healing. And how do we do that? We reach out, to friends, family, and perhaps most importantly, to a therapist.

Healing the Grieving Hole in Your Heart

An important thing to remember about grief, is that it is not a permanent condition. Grief can visit us throughout our lives, but it does not have to move in and stay forever. The key to dealing with grief visitations is feeling them. Sometimes, when you experience deep grief, it can seem like there’s a hole in your heart. Rather than crawl into that hole and feel the grief, you can fill the hole with guilt. This is another way we avoid the discomfort of processing grief; we defend against it by blaming ourselves. That’s how hard truly dealing with grief is – we would rather feel shame than grief! The truth is, we need to learn how to be in close relationship with grief.

You Don’t Have to be Alone with Your Grief

Two people grieving

Another truth about grief is that we cannot go through it alone. Processing grief is not the time to isolate, but rather the time to thoughtfully engage with those that you can trust, be vulnerable with, and be honest about the pain you are experiencing. Maintaining key relationships with caring people is vital to productive processing. Therapy is the best place to safely navigate deep pain with an experienced clinician holding the full range of your feelings with empathy and unconditional positive regard.

If you want to process your grief in therapy, please reach out. I help people integrate grief and experience greater hope.

Learn more about Arianne
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EMDR, Managing emotions

Is EMDR the Right Somatic Therapy for You? How to tell which therapy is best

Written by Here Counseling

“I don’t feel right in my own skin.” That sensation, of not feeling comfortable in your body, is a signal that simply talking about difficult memories, experiences, and emotions may not be enough to fully process and heal from your discomfort. The dis-ease you feel may need to be treated with therapeutic techniques that don’t rely solely on the thinking self, but on the feeling and sensing self as well: that is somatic psychotherapy.

Somatic approaches to healing were originally developed to treat trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, somatic therapies have been found to be helpful for relief of all kinds of stressors. Often, people automatically equate somatic therapy with eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), but there are many other types. Which somatic therapy is right for you?

EMDR – Benefits

When people look for somatic therapy, they often get directed to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR asks you to identify the sources of trauma in your life. As you recall the sources, a therapist guides you to follow certain eye movements (such as following a pen moving side to side in front of you) to retrain the brain on a neurological level to lessen the impact of that trauma memory. This modality has been proven helpful for many people who can identify the life events that caused them to feel distressed and slowly diminish their negative impact on the body and psyche.

EMDR – Limitations

EMDR may not be the best modality to treat conditions that are biological, genetic, or generational. EMDR is not recommended for people who have dissociative disorders, complex trauma, or those who cannot identify the events from their past that bring them emotional or physical discomfort.

You may not fall under any of the above categories, and still found that EMDR did not help you ease pain around past trauma. That may be because you do not get triggered during session when those memories are brought up. EMDR works when the client becomes activated or upset when a certain traumatic memory is brought up, but if you do not get activated, the treatment cannot be effective.

Alternative Somatic Therapies to EMDR

  • Somatic Experiencing (SE): Like EMDR, SE asks clients to return to traumatic memories while a therapist guides them to slowly tolerate body sensations and emotional distress. This modality is based on the nervous system’s flight/flight/freeze response to potential harm. SE helps clients gently release stored energy from incomplete nervous system re-set.
  • Brainspotting: Like EMDR, Brainspotting was developed to treat trauma and identifies spots in a person’s visual field. This modality involves asking the client to discuss difficult feelings while noticing when they blink, twitch, wobble or roll their eyes. These micro movements act as a map for where the client should mindfully hold a particular eye position to help process trauma.
  • Body-Mind Centering integrates movement, touch, voice, and mind. Like Alexander technique, it works to re-pattern the fundamental natural developments of the body. This modality works well for those who are comfortable with free movement and are interested in the application of anatomical and physiological approaches to healing and wellness.
  • Hakomi Method is based on the idea that the body is a core resource for self-understanding. Almost all Hakomi sessions takes place in a state of mindfulness, where the client holds an inward focus on the present moment. This modality also incorporates aspects of depth psychology, which allows unconscious material that the client might not be aware of to surface and be integrated.
  • Sensorimotor Psychotherapy was developed to remedy the disconnect between mind and body during the healing process. Unlike EMDR and SE, this modality does not need the client to return to the traumatic memory itself, but rather simply the time leading up to the trauma, and then talk about any feelings they experience. The therapist will ask you to locate feelings in the body and encourage the completion of movement that were unfulfilled to create closure.
  • Laban Movement Analysis (also known as Bartenieff Fundamentals) is based on the idea that certain non-verbal postures and body movements are connected to specific emotions and that you can impact your emotional state by adjusting your body shape. Therapists “track” client movement during session, offering insight into how the movement may be connected to emotion.

All the above somatic therapy modalities have their own training and certification process. If one of them feels like a good fit, you can find a specific practitioner near you.

Woman receiving EMDR somatic therapy

Somatic Therapy Tailored for YOU.

If you are still not sure if you want to focus on just one treatment style, you can see a therapist, like me, who holds a Certification in Somatic Psychotherapies and Practices and can dip into many different modalities as needed. I highly recommend this path for those with more than one concern or diagnosis, people who suffer from both physical and emotional pain, for those who are unsure about where their emotional or physical pain comes from, and for those who want to augment regular talk therapy with specific somatic interventions tailored to fit their needs.

You may have come to therapy, not because your mind told you to, but because your body did. When the body speaks, listen.

I would love to talk with you more about providing the somatic therapy best for you.

Learn more about somatic therapy

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Anxiety

How to stop a Panic Attack: Video Explanation

Written by Connor McClenahan

A panic attack can be really scary and overwhelming.

A lot of people can get frustrated with themselves when they experience a panic attack.

It can be something that happens constantly and as a “regular” thing in your life. Because of that, you don’t feel comfortable going out in social settings or to work or other places where you fear you’ll have another panic attack. So you stay close to home and isolate yourself.

Panic attacks are a difficult experience that can cause disruption to your daily life. Let’s talk more specifically about what they are and what you can do the next time you find yourself experiencing one.

What is a Panic Attack?

A panic attack is a heightened state of anxiety. It can feel like a heart attack; you might experience heart palpitations (your heart beats really fast), chest tightness, headaches, and the inability to think clearly.

Sometimes the only thing you can do when you’re experiencing a panic attack is lay down in bed or some other safe space and wait for the pain to pass.

Why do we Have Panic Attacks?

Panic attacks can be a sign of dysregulated anxiety that’s become extremely physiological. Whenever we get anxious, our bodies sometimes give out smaller signals at first. We might feel fluttering in our chest, or we feel tension and anxiety around certain situations. Then it can build without our knowing it, until it gets to the point where it feels like something is physiologically wrong. Many people even go into the ER because they think they’re having a heart attack.

Woman overcoming panic attacks with self-care

There’s actually a lot you can learn about yourself if you are experiencing panic attacks. When you experience panic attacks, it’s a sign that something is off in your life. Something is hard to deal with, something is putting pressure on you, you’re experiencing some sort of big stressor in your life. However, sometimes you don’t know what that is on the surface, which is frustrating and difficult.

How to Reduce Panic Attacks

1. Journal Panic Attack History


Set aside some time to journal and ask yourself a few questions. When did the panic attacks start? How bad are they? What’s the normal course of a panic attack for you? When does the pain start? What symptoms do you experience? How intense do those symptoms get? When does the panic attack finally pass? Usually panic attacks last under an hour, typically around 30 minutes. Have you always experienced panic attacks or when did they start to become a thing in your life? Was there a moment in which they became worse?


The reason these things are important to know is because when you go into a panic attack, you want to know what triggered it and how long the course of the panic attack might last.

2. Make a plan for the panic attack


A lot of people get frustrated when they experience panic attacks; they just want them to go away. But once you get to that heightened state, there’s not much you can do aside from waiting it out. As difficult as it may be, waiting it out requires you to release, relax, and let it all pass. So find a comfortable, safe space where you’re not around other people. It might be helpful to have something to hold, somewhere to lay down, something to drink – whatever will help you feel safest. Let yourself ride it out, knowing that it will eventually pass. You don’t have to talk about your anxiety during those 30-ish minutes or try to figure things out ways to make the panic go away. You just need to ride the wave. At the end of those 30-some minutes (or however long it takes for the panic to pass) is when you can do some assessing.

3. Assess Causes for the Panic Attack


Get out the same journal you originally wrote in (or a piece of paper or even a Notes app) and ask yourself: When did I first start experiencing this panic attack? When did it first start to come on? What was the earliest point that I can recognize I started to feel anxious? For some, the anxiety builds for a week before they experience a panic attack. For others, the anxiety builds for a day before they experience a panic attack. What was that moment for you, in which you started to feel anxious and tense? See if you can do a bit of exploration to understand the earliest moment at which you remember yourself feeling anxious.

4. Work with a Therapist who can treat a Panic Attack


In addition to these things, working with a professional will be important in order to understand your panic attack history and to learn ways to manage and regulate your anxiety before it escalates to a panic attack. Through therapy, you get the opportunity to learn how to pay attention to the cues your body gives you when you are feeling anxious, and know how to take care of yourself in the moments when you are feeling increasingly stressed. You learn to listen to yourself, to take care of yourself, and to resolve the anxiety before you find yourself in a full blown panic attack. We have therapists who can help with anxiety and panic attacks.

A panic attack can be treated, and you can experience relief

Those who deal with anxiety and panic attacks often feel very alone, but you are not alone. Please reach out to a professional if these are things you are struggling with. It might be nerve-wracking to do so but doing so is also a significant step towards better understanding yourself and prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being.

I help professionals who experience panic attacks to learn new ways of coping with difficult emotions.

Learn about Therapy for Panic Attacks
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somatic experiencing therapy
Managing emotions

The blame game: How to stop the cycle of anger and self criticism

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

I had this self critical moment the other day.  I had made a plan for all the things I needed to get done.  I was going to stop and get a few errands done before I headed into the office.  I was sure I could get things completed and into the office with plenty of time to spare.  But I found myself with a very unexpected change in my plan.  In an instant, I noticed myself in this space where it felt like everything else in me was in wild turmoil, as if the world had stopped for a moment and I was stuck in this frenzy of emotion and frustration.

Maybe you’ve faced one of these moments.  One moment you are sailing along perfectly, feeling calm, centered and ready to conquer the day.  The next moment, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, your mind and emotions spinning.  It’s in these moments that you can feel like you’ve been completely derailed from the place of focus and connection with yourself.  Like your very sense of safety and happiness is gone.

Blaming Others vs. Blaming Myself

Often in these moments we can find ourselves moving toward two common responses.  The first is this feeling of anger at the people or situation around us.  We press our fear and frustrations outward onto those around us.  You may find yourself feeling your internal pressure rising and getting defensive and reactive.  This can lead to moments of responding with yelling or blaming others.  

On the other side of this is frustration toward yourself.  Your mind starts to race and you find yourself stuck in these self-defeating thoughts.  The feeling of fear and anger are aimed within us, with blame and self-criticism toward ourselves.   You may find yourself feeling foolish or embarrassed, and begin to blame yourself for all the things you should (or shouldn’t) have done.   

These responses are both natural coping mechanisms that we use to help us to try to move through difficult moments.  Whether is an unexpected change of plans or a critical comment from a co-worker or partner – these moments can cause us to begin to move toward these responses of blame and self-criticism.  This is linked with our survival instinct as a way that our nervous system is using to try to protect us from moments where we feel some kind of threat, which results in this fear response turning on.  

woman freed from self criticism

Begin to understand the pain behind the blame.

Whether the blame is internalized in blaming ourselves, or more external in our frustration and anger toward others, both of these are an emotional response to a deeper sense of pain that we are responding to.  

But the only way to help in moving past these, is to begin to understand what is going on that is behind these behaviors.

Using these three steps, you can begin to allow yourself to slow down the frustration and begin to calm these patterns of blame.

3 steps to slow down and stop self criticism.

1. Tune in to slow down.

Slowing to take a few breathes can be a huge help when you notice these feelings of anger or blame that you may be experiencing.  Often, when we are overwhelmed with fear or anger we are unable to access the place of being able to regain control and calm.  It can be helpful to just allow yourself to be present in the feeling and try to regain control of yourself in the moment.  In these moments our fear response often has us going into a place of heightening of physical tension – our heart rate rises, our breath gets short and shallow, our muscles can get tense.  It is important to disrupt this place of physical tension to be able to then allow yourself to feel safe enough to slow down and decrease the blame.  Breathing in as you count up to 5 and then counting back down from 5 as your breath out can be a great way to help slow yourself down.  Tuning into notice this intentional act of slowing your breath can remind you that you are able to regain control.

2. Begin to understand what you are feeling.

It can be helpful to ask yourself, what is it that is feeling attacked or threatened right now?  It can be hard in the moment to be able to understand what it is that is going on underneath the anger and blaming behaviors, but taking a moment to consider what it is that is the deeper feeling can help us to begin to allow a greater space for understanding that can help us to feel more calm and in control.  You may first start with stating that you are feeling angry or frustrated.  Then begin to ask yourself what am I feeling that is fueling the feeling of anger or self-criticism.  Anger is usually a response to a deeper internal feeling and it is important to be able to name that underlying feeling to help in reducing the blame and criticism that you are experiencing.  It could be that you feel helpless or unseen; maybe you feel alone or unsupported.  Whatever it is, taking a moment to understand and name this feeling is a powerful way to begin to regain control over the anger and blame.

3. Imagine yourself as you would a close friend.

As you begin to notice this underlying feeling, it can be helpful to imagine yourself as you would a close friend.  If for a moment, you can imagine your friend telling you about how they are feeling misunderstood and helpless, you might do something like slow down and take a moment to say that you are sorry they are feeling this way.  You might lean a little closer and ask how you can help them.  You might remind your friend of all the ways you see her as helpful and valuable.  These are likely the same things that you are needing to know to help you to slow down the blame and anger and begin to regain a feeling of internal control and support that you need to be able to move forward.  It could be helpful to use a word or phrase that you can say to yourself that can help to calm this feeling of anger and frustration.  Something like, “I am able to make decisions for myself” or “I am not alone and can ask for help” can be really helpful to slow down regain a sense of confidence and control. 

These overwhelming moments of blame and frustration don’t have to keep you from being able to stay in control and in tune with your truest self.  Learning these three simple steps can help to take you from a place of regret, anger and fear and into a place of connectedness with what you need most. 

Gaining the confidence you need to help you overcome these patterns of blaming yourself and others is possible.  It can be helpful to have someone to come alongside you in this process of change. 

I help people like you to begin to understand their own needs and to move toward a greater place of connection with themselves and those they are closest with. 

 Click below to schedule a free consultation.

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Anxiety

The ABC’s of Panic Attacks: How to Empower Yourself

Written by Here Counseling

By Arianne MacBean

Many clients come to therapy because they experience panic. Panic, or intense anxiety, can show up in the most random places and moments. You’re sitting there, doing your thing, and then suddenly you feel dizzy, your heart races, you feel nauseous, and a sense of doom overtakes you. This is panic, and it can feel overwhelming. However, there are three steps you can take to understand, manage, and re-ground yourself if you find yourself in the throes of an episode.

Panic attacks are a way your body deals with fear.

Before we get to the ABC’s of how to deal with panic, it’s important to understand that panic is a way your body deals with fear, and it is a natural survival mechanism. In a way, panic is your body trying to help you. You’ve probably heard of the flight, flight, freeze responses that all animals have when they are faced with something that threatens them. These innate responses say that when the animal is frightened, they should either engage aggressively, run away, or hide. Fight, flight, and freeze are tools that keep animals alive.

You can ease out of panic attacks.

When a human animal experiences panic, it’s the same thing. Panic in a human is saying, “You’re scared, and you need to do something about it.” But why do we experience panic when we’re just sitting on the couch? Because life is complicated for human animals, and we have many kinds of micro and macro threats that we experience over a lifetime. Those threats become recorded into the body and, especially if we do not process them, they can show up unannounced to remind us that we do indeed need to deal with them. In this way, panic is a reminder that we have some fear that needs to be processed. This is why so many clients come to therapy – to deal with these unconscious fears. So, when you’re not in the therapy office processing emotions in a safe space with a caring advocate, how can you soothe yourself out of panic?

The ABC’s of Panic Attacks: 3 ways to recover

A. Acknowledge.

It’s vital that when you begin to experience panic that you acknowledge what is going on and that the panic is not YOU, but a feeling you have. Acknowledging panic can look like saying to yourself, “You’re feeling panic. Panic is just your body telling you to pay attention.” You can remind yourself that panic is an energy in your body that will pass soon. Our instinct when we feel panic is to distract ourselves from the discomfort and focus on something else, but like most emotions, being with the feeling will help you move through it more productively than ignoring it. Dealing with, and acknowledging panic, is the one of the best cures for it.

B. Breathe.

Focusing on your breath really is the trick to calming panic. A simple slow inhale through the nose and a long, controlled exhale through the mouth is always a great technique. If you watch any great baseball slugger at bat, you will see them use this method to calm themselves under pressure. If you want to try something a little more structured, you can inhale for a count of three, and exhale for a count of five. Lengthening the exhale will activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which controls how the body relaxes.

C. Center.

Centering is a way to re-orient yourself back to the here and now. A great way to center is to look around and notice three things in the environment around you. When your eyes fall on, let’s say, a bookshelf, really look at it. Notice the spines of the books, the colors of covers, the sheen of the wooden shelf. Then, let your eyes wander to another thing in your field of vision. Focus on it, see the details, textures, as if you’re looking at it for the first time. This will help bring you to the safety of the moment. It will help you see that you are not under attack.

As much as panic can feel engulfing, it is not entirely out of your control. Understand that panic is your body’s way of letting you know you have feelings of fear that need to be addressed. Acknowledge that panic is an energy force moving through you. Breath to anchor yourself and calm the panicky energy. Center yourself by gently engaging with the environment around you. These ABC’s are steps you can take to befriend panic as a signal to slow down, check in with yourself, and be in the process of healing.

LEARN MORE ABOUT ARIANNE



Further Resources for Understanding Panic:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Panic

https://washingtoncenterforcognitivetherapy.com/problems-treated/panic-disorder/panic-disorder-organizations/

https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorder/

https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/best-anxiety-books#A-quick-look-at-the-13-best-books-about-anxiety

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

What is somatic psychotherapy? How body awareness restores your mind

Written by Here Counseling

Somatic psychotherapy is the umbrella term for methods of therapy that are rooted in the body where trauma, stress, and memory are housed. Somatic psychotherapies are based on the theory that the body holds emotion and experience. When hard-to-handle feelings and traumas are not processed, they can manifest as anxiety, panic, depression, chronic pain or illness, relational issues, self-esteem problems, grief, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Somatic methods aid in draining the power of these feelings through attunement with the body – its positions, gestures, energies, and sensations. 

Somatic Psychotherapy Modalities

There are many somatic psychotherapeutic modalities. You may have heard of some of them such as, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), Hakomi Method, Brainspotting, and plain old Mindfulness. Ultimately, the kind of somatic work that happens in the therapy room depends on the client and the therapist and can involve a wide variety of techniques, including breath work, visualizations, sensory awareness, posture tracking, guided imagery, gesture, and movement. 

Somatic Psychotherapy Exercises

Sometimes, somatic exercises are very straight forward, such as simply sending compassionate breath toward a particular part of the body that is experiencing activation. Other times, exercises are created on the spot to aid a client’s specific needs in the moment. For example, a client who struggles with low self-esteem feels they are unable to accept compliments. They might say, “Positivity just flows right through me – in one ear and out the other.” In this case, we might mindfully “build” a space in the body to hold compliments, positive feedback, and love. Then, when they hear a compliment, they can visualize the affirmation dropping into and being held compassionately in the space they created for it in their body.

Somatic psychotherapy is a way to help people feel safe in their bodies while exploring thoughts, feelings, and memories. Painful experiences live in us on a cellular level, but we can heal by restoring the body to live with vitality, ease, and joy.

Questions about Somatic Psychotherapy

  • One question I often get is, “Does somatic psychotherapy include talk therapy?” The answer is YES! Although somatic practices are body-based, talking through feelings and sensations is an essential component of the therapeutic work.
  • Another question I get is, “Do I have to dance?” And the answer is NO, not unless you want to. Like most productive therapy, somatic work is client-centered and client-lead. Together with your therapist, you decide when and how to integrate the body into the healing process.

If you choose to work with me, you can expect:

  • I will naturally return to the body in the here and now as a way to ground and understand authentic self.
  • I utilize body scanning techniques to gain awareness of where pain or emotion is located in the body.
  • I track and bring awareness to repetitive gestures or postures that align with certain memories or feelings to aid in self-knowledge.
  • I share tools for calming, centering, and releasing emotions in productive ways.
  • I gently guide clients through painful experiences while noting the accompanying physical sensations and addressing them in the moment.
  • I emphasize the body as a base to locate natural resources, strengths, and self-empowerment.

If you have interest in somatic psychotherapy and healing your body, I would love to talk with you.

Learn about Somatic Psychotherapy with Arianne

Further reading on somatic psychotherapy:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Hardcover) by Bessel van der Kolk 

Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Somatic Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide to Theory and Practice (Paperback) by Halko Weiss 

Somatic Psychology: Body, Mind and Meaning (Paperback) by Linda Hartley 

Awakened Heart, Embodied Mind: A Modern Yoga Philosophy Infused with Somatic Psychology & Neuroscience (Kindle Edition) by Julian Walker

Here Counseling

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Parents who have undergone their Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation with their adopted child: a happy family.
Testing and Assessment

Unlock the Power of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation

Written by Here Counseling

Transitioning into parenthood through adoption is a journey filled with anticipation, love, and the promise of new beginnings. Yet, as you embark on this life-altering adventure, there are essential steps to consider. One of these steps is the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation. In my previous blog, I detailed exactly what this process is and how to navigate it. You can read that by clicking here. Adoption agencies require a psych eval as part of the adoption process to help ensure a good placement of child and parent(s) (which you can read more about by clicking here). Today, let’s delve into the invaluable insights this evaluation can offer you, as you prepare to embrace parenthood through adoption.

The Significance of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation

As mentioned, in my previous blog, I provided a comprehensive explanation of what a Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation entails. Furthermore, I highlighted how it serves as a vital tool for prospective parents. It offers them a deeper understanding of themselves, their parenting styles, and their readiness for adoption. If you haven’t had a chance to read that blog, I encourage you to do so, as it lays the foundation for the discussion here. Now, let’s shift our focus to the significance of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation beyond its procedural aspects. Here, we explore why this evaluation is more than just a checklist item—it’s a transformative experience that can enrich your adoption journey in numerous ways.

1. Self-Discovery and Reflection

The evaluation process encourages introspection. It prompts you to reflect on your motivations, values, and experiences, allowing you to gain a deeper understanding of your own identity and how it aligns with your parenting aspirations.

2. Navigating Challenges

Parenthood, whether through adoption or biological means, comes with its share of challenges. The Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation equips you with insights into your coping strategies, emotional resilience, and stress management techniques, ensuring you are better prepared to handle the demands of parenting.

3. Building Secure Attachments

Understanding your attachment style and history is pivotal in forming strong bonds with your future child. This knowledge enables you to create a secure and loving environment for them from day one. Understanding your attachment style and history is crucial for building strong bonds with your future adopted child. Your attachment style, whether secure or otherwise, shapes how you approach relationships and parenting. A secure attachment style can foster a safe and emotionally connected environment, while recognizing less secure styles empowers you to address potential challenges. By delving into your attachment history, you gain insights into your tendencies and can proactively create a loving, secure, and emotionally nurturing atmosphere for your adopted child, ensuring they feel valued and cherished from day one in their new family.

4. Setting Realistic Expectations

It’s common for individuals to have expectations about parenthood and adoption. The evaluation helps you align these expectations with the realities of the adoption process, fostering a more informed and adaptive mindset.

5. Strengthening Support Networks

A strong support system is crucial on your adoption journey. The evaluation process encourages you to assess your existing support network and explore ways to enhance it, ensuring you have the backing you need.

6. Personal Growth

Embracing the evaluation as an opportunity for personal growth can be immensely rewarding. It’s not about judgment but about growth, self-awareness, and empowerment.

7. Informed Decision-Making

Post-evaluation, you’ll have a clear picture of your strengths and areas for development. Armed with this knowledge, you can make informed decisions about your adoption journey, from choosing the right agency to preparing for your child’s arrival.

Utilize the Power of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation

Remember, the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation is not a standalone event. Rather, it is an integral part of your preparation for parenthood. By recognizing the importance of self-discovery, personal growth, and readiness, you can navigate the adoption journey with greater confidence and insight.

In my role as a clinical psychologist with extensive experience in Pre-Adoption Psychological Assessments, I am here to support you on this transformative path. The evaluation process is a collaborative and nurturing experience, designed to empower you to become the best possible parent for your future child.

Book your Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Today

Let’s begin this adventure together, where every step is a meaningful one toward becoming the loving and nurturing parent you aspire to be. Your journey to parenthood through adoption continues, and I am here to walk beside you every step of the way.

Ready to embark on this incredible journey? Click below to book your Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation with us today.

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