Self-sabotage can be incredibly frustrating. It might look like procrastinating on an important task, talking yourself out of a great opportunity, or setting unrealistically high standards that you could never meet. If this sounds familiar, you’ve likely found yourself caught in the cycle of self-sabotage. It can be frustrating and confusing, leaving you wondering why you keep getting in your own way. You’re not alone. Understanding the root of self-sabotage is the first step towards breaking this frustrating cycle.
This blog will discuss what self-sabotage is, how it manifests, and some helpful strategies to overcome this behavior.
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when you prevent yourself from reaching your goals. It’s a pattern of behavior where, consciously or unconsciously, you undermine your own efforts. This could manifest in ways like procrastination, negative self-talk, perfectionism, or even impulsive decisions. The impact of self-sabotage can be significant, leading to missed opportunities, strained relationships, and a sense of frustration with yourself.
Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
Procrastination
This is when you delay tasks, often without a clear reason, and usually to avoid discomfort or the fear of failure.
Negative Self-Talk
This involves a critical inner dialogue. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed” can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you end up believing these negative thoughts and acting accordingly.
Perfectionism
Setting unattainable standards can be paralyzing. When you’re afraid of making mistakes or not meeting your own high expectations, you might avoid taking any action at all, leading to stagnation.
Fear of Success
While it might seem counterintuitive, some people fear the changes that come with success. This fear can cause them to avoid opportunities, underperform, or deliberately set themselves up for failure.
Impulsivity
Making hasty decisions without considering the consequences can also be a form of self-sabotage. This impulsiveness can lead to actions that disrupt your progress or create unnecessary problems.
Potential Causes of Self-Defeating Behaviors
Internal Beliefs
Your own internal beliefs about yourself can drive your actions without you even realizing it. For example, if you’ve internalized the belief that you don’t deserve success, you might subconsciously sabotage any efforts that could lead to achievement.
Fear of Change
Change can be uncomfortable, even if it’s positive. The fear of stepping out of familiar patterns, even unproductive ones, can lead to self-sabotaging behavior as a way to avoid the unknown.
Comfort
Staying within your comfort zone feels safe, but it can also keep you stuck in unproductive habits. Self-sabotage can be a way to stay in this zone, avoiding the discomfort of growth and change.
Self-Criticism
Negative messages from past experiences or relationships can become internalized, leading to a harsh inner critic. This critical voice can drive you to sabotage your efforts, reinforcing the negative beliefs you’ve held onto.
Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage
Cultivating Self-Awareness
Become more aware of your self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors as they occur. This awareness is crucial for making different choices in the moment. Pay attention to triggers or situations where you tend to sabotage yourself and try to understand the underlying reasons.
Reframing Negative Thoughts
Challenge and replace negative self-talk with constructive affirmations. Instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try reframing it to, “I am capable and learning every day.” Over time, this shift in mindset can help reduce the power of self-sabotaging thoughts.
Setting Realistic Goals
Learn to set achievable, incremental goals that build confidence and momentum. By breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps, you reduce the overwhelming feelings that can lead to self-sabotage.
Embracing Imperfection
Accept that mistakes are part of the learning process. Embracing imperfection allows you to take action without the paralyzing fear of not being perfect. This mindset shift can help you move forward even when things aren’t flawless.
Building a Support Network
Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage positive change. Share your goals with trusted friends or mentors who can provide accountability and motivation.
Seeking Help
If self-sabotage is deeply ingrained and significantly affecting your life, it may be time to seek professional help. The journey of growth often involves encountering parts of ourselves that are challenging to face—those deep-seated fears, doubts, and insecurities that fuel self-sabotaging behaviors. By leaning into these areas with curiosity and compassion, you can begin to dismantle the barriers that hold you back. This process is not always easy, but it can lead to a profound sense of freedom and empowerment. Together, we can uncover the root causes of your behavior and work to develop healthier patterns that allow you to move forward with greater clarity and confidence.
You’re at the point where you feel ready to improve your relationship. Part of you wonders if it might be helpful for you and your partner to both seek therapy together; the other part of you wonders if it would be more helpful for the both of you to see individual therapy. On one hand, couples can worry that couples therapy will be too difficult, heated, or logistically clunky. On the other hand, couples can worry that if they just see an individual therapist, that their couples issues won’t change.
How are you supposed to know whether individual therapy or couples therapy is best? By the end of this blog, you’ll have everything you need to decide which one is best for your relationship needs.
Why couples therapy sometimes doesn’t work
1. There’s not enough space to process your experience of the relationship
The nature of couples therapy results in two individuals being a part of the same sessions together and splitting that time/space. While this kind of shared space can be important and helpful, it can also result in some individuals feeling as though they are not getting the time they need in therapy in order to process the issues that bring them in for therapy.
2. Finding it difficult to talk about the issues when the relationship is already in a rocky place
If you and your partner have argued about the same issues over and over with no real resolve, it can feel like dangerous territory to talk about those issues again, even in a safe space such as therapy. Maybe you fear that the end result will be the same, with you and your partner on completely different pages. Or maybe you fear that talking about the issue again will be a breaking point in your relationship. Whatever your fear may be, bottom line is that those fears make it difficult to fully engage with the process of couples therapy.
3. Your partner will not come in for couples therapy.
Again, with the nature of couples therapy involving two individuals, if your partner refuses attend sessions, it is not possible for couples work to be carried out. This can be a painful place to be in – where you may be wanting to have an intentional space and time to work through the ongoing issues, whereas your partner is not interested in doing so.
4. Scheduling is challenging.
Finding a time to attend weekly therapy can be challenging even when it’s just your schedule and your therapist’s schedule to consider; adding your partner into that equation can increase that challenge, especially if your partner’s schedule looks very different from your own.
What is individual relationship therapy?
Individual relationship therapy is a space where you can fully process and work through the things that have felt painful and difficult in your romantic relationship, without having to do that in real time with your partner present. You’ll have one on one time with your therapist and won’t need to be mindful of splitting that time with your partner.
What would be the benefit of seeking individual relationship therapy over couples therapy?
1. You can process your own “stuff” in your own private space with relationship therapy.
While it’s definitely important to eventually communicate important things to your partner, maybe you’re not even sure of what you’re wanting to communicate and how to do so. You need the chance to first understand what it is that is happening internally for you, before then trying to talk through those things with your partner. Individual therapy is a great space for this – the time is completely yours and you can process your thoughts and emotions in an unfiltered way, without the presence of anyone aside from your therapist.
2. You can unpack past experiences that may be impacting the issues you’re coming across in your present-day relationship.
Although this might be semi-possible to also do in couples therapy, the nature of couples therapy can make it challenging to truly dive into your past, make sense of what you’ve been through, and identify the ways those experiences impact you today. Couples therapy is typically structured to make space for both you and your partner to process what’s happening present day in your relationship and to work towards some sort of compromise or resolve together, rather than helping one person to process their past and understand how those things are coming up present day. If your desire is to have a space to work through your past in order to better understand the present, individual relationship therapy would be the better option for you than couples therapy.
3. You can think through your current relationship issues in a different way than you’d be able to in couples therapy.
Couples therapy is extremely valuable, but can also be limiting in terms of how deeply you can process the issues that you might be coming across in your relationship. You’re sharing that space with your partner, which is helpful but can also come with other trade-offs. If you need a space to privately process the issues you’re coming across in your relationship prior to eventually communicating those things to your partner, individual relationship therapy would be a great place to start.
4. Finding a time with your therapist is easier with individual relationship therapy.
One very real logistical challenge that comes with couples therapy is the need to consider 3 individuals’ schedules: yours, your partner’s, and the therapist’s. The reality may be that it may be much more feasible to begin individual relationship therapy yourself, rather than to wait for your partner’s schedule to open up and allow for a time for you both to meet with a therapist. If you’re facing scheduling challenges as a couple, individual relationship therapy may be a better place to start.
If you’re needing more individual time to process things on your own, individual relationship therapy may be a good fit for you.
There is value in both individual relationship therapy and couples therapy. Both have their pros and cons when it comes to addressing relationship issues. If you’re wanting a space to begin processing what you’re experiencing in your relationship but don’t feel ready to do that with your partner or don’t feel that your partner is ready to do that in couples therapy with you, individual relationship therapy is a perfect place to start. You can begin unpacking things on your own.
Whether you choose to address what’s happening in your relationship via couples therapy or individual relationship therapy, it’s possible to experience real change in your relationship. You deserve a relationship that is healthy, reciprocal, and fulfilling. Therapy can be the catalyst to create that change.
I can help you foster healthy, lasting relationship skills. Click below to learn more about how to get started.
Depersonalization can be disorienting. You suddenly feel as if you are floating above your body, or somehow observing your own thoughts. It may make you feel lost, disturbed, and confused about what is real. You’re left struggling to understand what’s happening and how to regain a sense of normalcy. In this blog, you’ll learn about common symptoms of depersonalization, its causes, and ways you can learn to manage and cope with this disorienting experience.
What is Depersonalization?
Depersonalization is a dissociative experience where you sense a detachment from your own body or thoughts. It’s as if you are observing yourself from outside your own body, or feeling as if you are in a dream. You may have felt like you were standing outside observing your own thoughts or body.
Common Symptoms of Depersonalization
Symptoms of depersonalization can range but most of them leave you feeling disconnected from you own body or thoughts. Some common symptoms of depersonalization include:
A sense of observing yourself from the outside
Having a distorted sense of time
Feeling emotionally numb
Experiencing a dream-like state
Difficulty determining what is real or not real
Feeling detached from your physical and emotional experience
Causes of Depersonalization
Trauma
Traumatic events take a toll on your mental health. When people go through traumatic experiences, such as abuse or an accident, they can feel extreme stress. For some people, they may experience a sense of depersonalization, which can be the mind and body’s way of coping with trauma. This dissociative state enables them to manage the overwhelming emotions and experiences by distancing themselves from those difficult and unwanted emotions and experiences. This may give some relief in the short term, but it can unfortunately cause long-term difficulties.
Stress
Depersonalization is also linked to chronic stress. If our mind is put under continuous pressure, we begin to experience dissociative symptoms to protect ourselves from such unrelenting distress. This way of coping can manifest as a sense of detachment from our thoughts and body, which creates a buffer against anxiety and stress. Although this depersonalization can be relieving in the moment, it can become more persistent and begin to cause bigger problems for a person down the line where they may begin to question their own reality.
Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
Depersonalization is often associated with other mental health difficulties, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. By themselves, these conditions could have an intensifying effect on feelings of detachment as a way of coping with their emotions. For example, depression can lead to numbness and anxiety might increase the desire to disconnect from yourself or others. There is a strong association of PTSD with dissociative symptoms because for people who have experienced traumatic events, their mind and body may utilize depersonalization as an escape from their unwanted experience.
Substance Use
Substance use, particularly hallucinogens and marijuana, can lead to symptoms of depersonalization. Since these substances can influence how someone thinks and perceives their environment, they can lead experiences of detachment from oneself. Hallucinogens, in particular, can affect your sensory experiences and self-awareness which can trigger episodes of depersonalization. Furthermore, chronic abuse of these types of substances can exaggerate depersonalization symptoms, making them occur more regularly. It’s important for people experiencing depersonalization related to substance use to seek professional help to address both their substance use and dissociative symptoms.
The Impact of Depersonalization
Daily Life & Depersonalization
Depersonalization can have a number of effects when it comes to day-to-day functioning and personal life. People can often have problems concentrating, making decisions, or performing everyday activities.
Feeling detached from reality can end up leading to decreased productivity and impact performance in work or school-related activities. Simple tasks, like cooking or driving, or even being around friends and family can become overwhelming. The feeling of being on “auto-pilot” or observing life from a distance can take a lot of the pleasure out of things people once enjoyed.
Emotional Consequences & Depersonalization
Depersonalization is emotionally exhausting. The experience of detachment can heighten anxiety and depression levels. Someone experiencing depersonalization can feel imprisoned and unable to come out from the feeling of being detached from everything, including themselves. It’s a hopeless feeling. Moreover, the emotional numbing from depersonalization can block the rewards of feeling pleasure or satisfaction, thus worsening depressive symptoms. Being unable to feel, then unable to express your need for help can also exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Physical Health & Depersonalization
Depersonalization is linked with chronic stress, which can develop into more physical health issues. Recurring headaches can develop because of the constant mental strain. Stress can also lead to digestive issues, which may further lead to stomach ache, nausea, and even IBS. The long-term stress and detachment caused by depersonalization can actually weaken the immune system, making the person more vulnerable to diseases and infections. Unfortunately, people experiencing depersonalization can often feel drained because of the effect this experience can have on both their mind and bodies.
Depersonalization & Relationships
How Does Depersonalization Impact Relationships?
Depersonalization can significantly impact personal relationships. If someone is struggling with feeling detached from their emotions and experiences, engaging with loved ones becomes really tough. This type of detachment can make a partner, family member, or friend feel unimportant or overlooked. Someone experiencing depersonalization may appear unresponsive or emotionally unavailable, which can lead to a lack of authentic emotional engagement. This can be frustrating for everyone involved. It may be hard for loved ones to understand the experiences of the person with depersonalization, which further complicates matters as it brings more emotional distance and isolation.
Challenges Staying Emotionally Connected
Staying emotionally connected to others can be a major problem with depersonalization. The symptoms of numbness and detachment interferes with a genuine experience of getting to know yourself and others. Detachment often results in a lack of emotional intimacy with others because it becomes hard to share the joys and sorrows of life, or even empathize with another human being. Emotional numbness from depersonalization may become a barrier to forming and maintaining close relationships. This can gradually bring about feelings of loneliness and alienation – both for the sufferer and those around them.
Communication Issues & Social Isolation
Another area where depersonalization leaves a harsh effect is communication. Because people might feel disconnected from their experience, they often have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings. This difficulty in expression may lead to frequent misunderstandings or miscommunications, which can negatively impact relationships. The person experiencing depersonalization is perceived as indifferent, withdrawn, or unresponsive by friends and family, adding to their sense of isolation. Thus, people who go through depersonalization begin to withdraw from social situations and skip out on scenarios where they fear feeling unable to connect or communicate. It is this kind of social withdrawal that leads to isolation, creating a vicious circle of loneliness and detachment, making it even more difficult to come out of depersonalization.
Practical Tips for Managing Depersonalization
Immediate Relief from Depersonalization
Engaging the Senses with Grounding Exercises
Grounding exercises can help with depersonalization because they can bring us back to the present moment. This look like noticing something in your surroundings, focusing on textures, or even just listening to specific sounds around you. For example, you can get into the details of some plant right in front of you, focus on how your clothes feel, or listen to the birds outside. These sensory orientations help shift focus onto real tangible aspects of your life, fostering connection and presence.
Calming the Nervous System through Breathing Techniques
When you breathe deeply, your parasympathetic nervous system begins to regulate your mind and body, which can help alleviate these symptoms of dissociation. One of the ways to do this is by slowly inhaling through your nose, holding it for a few seconds, and then slowly exhaling through your mouth. You can do this a few times until you feel more centered and less alienated from both yourself and the environment around you.
Connecting with Your Body: Getting Active
Those who experience depersonalization often find that physical activity can help bring them back into their bodies. Walking, yoga, or stretching can help connect more with your body. Physical movement also helps in the release of endorphins that can naturally raise our moods and helps get us grounded into the physical sensations of the body. These effects work against the symptoms of depersonalization discussed throughout this blog.
Long-Term Relief from Depersonalization
Self-Reflection
Regularly engaging in self-reflection helps foster good mental health. When it comes to the experience of depersonalization, keeping a journal can help. Keeping records of your thoughts and feelings can help create more awareness of your emotional trends and triggers. This practice can help you to develop a better understanding of your emotions and experiences in life, ultimately helping you connect with yourself and reduce these symptoms.
Building a Support Network
A strong support system can serve as a strong resource when it comes to managing life with depersonalization. Friends and family can offer the needed emotional support to make someone less lonely and more connected. Having others around who can show support in the midst of these difficult experiences can provide a source of comfort and stability in the midst of feeling unsure and confused.
Engaging in Enjoyable Activities
Engaging in pleasurable and calming activities can have positive effects on mental health and help to relieve these symptoms. Getting and staying involved in such activities can lift your mood and provide a sense of well-being and connectedness. Whether it be painting, gardening, reading a book, or playing an instrument, engaging in activities you enjoy can help return you to the pleasure of living, while working to mitigate feelings of numbness and isolation.
Therapy for Depersonalization
Many people experiencing depersonalization can benefit from regular engagement in psychotherapy. Therapy offers a safe space where people can delve into and uncover the root causes of these symptoms, whether it has resulted from trauma or chronic stress. Trained therapists can provide support and understanding to individuals experiencing this confusing mental health issue and arm them with skills to help them navigate this complex experience. Therapy can reconnect a person to their feelings, develop strategies for managing their symptoms during these episodes, and move towards greater self-awareness and healthier relationships.
Emotional outbursts can be overwhelming. All of a sudden, you find yourself emotionally overloaded and blowing up on others. As a result, feelings of guilt, confusion, and regret flood in. Meanwhile, you’re left not knowing what to do or how to stop these moments from happening.
Emotional outbursts, often linked to emotional repression in males, are sudden intense expressions that can stem from built-up stress and societal pressures. In this blog, you’ll learn about emotional outbursts, triggers like male emotional repression, their impact, and stress management techniques for men to navigate them effectively.
What is an Emotional Outburst? Understanding Male Emotional Repression
An emotional outburst can look like a sudden episode of intense expression. It can often involve emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. This might look like shouting, crying, or physical expressions like punching. It’s normal to feel like these moments are coming out of nowhere. However, it can be helpful to try to explore the root causes of emotional outbursts. Doing this can help promote your mental health and improve your relationships. Anyone can experience these types of outbursts, but for men, there are certain stigmas and expectations related to emotional expression that might impact their understanding of this type of experience.
Emotional repression in men, where feelings are unconsciously avoided or suppressed, often leads to these outbursts. Studies show that men may use expressive suppression more than women, which can affect emotional regulation (Source). This repression, tied to toxic masculinity, discourages showing emotions other than anger, leading to bottled-up feelings that explode (Source).
Signs of an Emotional Outburst
Emotional outbursts can take many forms, but there are some common signs that often point to deeper emotional dysregulation. These signs aren’t always obvious in the moment, but recognizing them can be the first step toward change.
1. Sudden, disproportionate anger
You may find yourself reacting with intense anger to things that seem minor in hindsight—like a comment from a loved one, a small inconvenience, or a moment of stress. It’s not just the reaction—it’s how much it takes over.
2. Outbursts of yelling, crying, or shutting down
Whether it’s raised voices, tears that come without warning, or emotionally checking out, these are signs that your nervous system is overwhelmed. These responses might feel out of your control, and that’s part of the problem—they often are.
3. Aggressive or impulsive behavior
Throwing things, slamming doors, road rage, or picking fights that escalate quickly are more than just bad habits. They’re signs of unresolved emotional buildup that has nowhere else to go.
4. Physical symptoms
Tension headaches, muscle tightness, fatigue, or restless sleep can often accompany emotional outbursts. Your body may be carrying stress long before your mind is aware of it.
5. Feeling easily provoked or unable to calm down
If it feels like you’re constantly on edge or you struggle to return to a calm state after becoming upset, that’s a signal. You’re not “too sensitive” or “overreacting”—your nervous system is likely stuck in survival mode.
Benefits of Addressing Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men
Recognizing and managing emotional outbursts and repression offers key advantages for men’s emotional struggles:
Reduces physical health risks like heart disease and hypertension from chronic stress.
Improves mental health by lowering depression and anxiety linked to alexithymia, or difficulty identifying emotions (Source).
Enhances relationships through better communication and reduced conflicts.
Boosts overall well-being with effective stress relievers for men, promoting vulnerability and support-seeking.
Breaks the cycle of toxic masculinity, fostering healthier emotional expression (Source).
Quick Stress Management Techniques for Men: Handling Emotional Outbursts
[Image: Man taking deep breaths to manage emotions with alt text “Stress management techniques for men during emotional outbursts”]
Pause and Breathe: Take 5 deep breaths to calm your body before reacting. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing fight-or-flight responses.
Step Away: Remove yourself from the situation for 5-10 minutes to cool off. Use this time for a short walk as a stress reliever for men.
Move Your Body: Do a quick physical activity, like a brisk walk or push-ups, to release tension and pent-up energy from emotional repression.
Write It Down: Jot down your feelings to process them without exploding. Journaling helps men address emotional struggles privately.
Talk to Someone: Share your emotions with a trusted friend or therapist to feel supported, combating the isolation of male emotional repression.
Andrew Wong, MA therapy for depression and menEMDR therapist John Allan Whitacre in Pasadena with EMDR
3 Common Triggers for Emotional Outbursts in Men
1. Relationship Issues and Emotional Outbursts
Emotional outbursts can often result from conflicts in relationships that go uncommunicated or unresolved. Leaving things unsaid can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment. An outburst might also come about if there is a lack of emotional support in your relationship. If someone you care about is unavailable, you might blow up as a means of connection. It’s also true that the end of a relationship might trigger emotional outbursts, especially if there have been feelings that remained unspoken throughout your relationship due to emotional repression.
2. Work Stress and Emotional Outbursts
Work can be a big source of stress, and the pressure to succeed and provide can easily lead to moments of emotional outbursts. This pressure can come from employers or might even be self-imposed. Regardless, these pressures can become overwhelming. Additionally, the need to provide for a family can add additional stress, and working to balance the demands of work with your own personal life can end up in emotional strain. Learning how to relieve stress for a man in high-pressure jobs is crucial.
3. Societal Pressures for Men and Emotional Outbursts
The societal expectations and demands on men to be emotionless and stoic might cause them to repress their emotions, which can eventually cause them to explode. It’s common that men may have pent-up emotions as a result of not asking for help or not opening up to others because they think these actions might be perceived as weakness due to overarching expectations from society that men should always be strong and independent, no matter what they are going through. This type of expectation can lead to chronic stress and emotional strain in both their personal and professional life (Source).
4. Mental Health Conditions and Emotional Dysregulation Sometimes, emotional outbursts aren’t just about external stressors—they may stem from untreated mental health conditions. Depression in men can often present as irritability or anger rather than sadness. Anxiety can also manifest through restlessness, tension, or a short temper. When these conditions go unrecognized or untreated, they can erode emotional regulation, increasing the chances of reactive outbursts.
5. Past Trauma and Unresolved Emotional Wounds For many men, early or unresolved trauma—whether from childhood, military service, loss, or abuse—can linger beneath the surface. Without tools to process or express that pain, it can emerge through sudden emotional intensity. Trauma doesn’t always look like flashbacks; it can show up as hypersensitivity, emotional numbness, or sudden anger that feels out of proportion to the moment.
6. Biochemical Factors and Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) Hormonal shifts or imbalances can also contribute to emotional volatility. A condition known as Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) involves mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and aggression, often linked to lower testosterone levels or chronic stress. These internal changes can make it harder to manage daily frustrations and may result in outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere.
What men tell themselves to suppress emotion
You might recognize some of these common phrases that reinforce your tendency to keep your emotions concealed:
“Stop being so sensitive”
“Don’t be a baby”
“Keep it to yourself”
“It’s not a big deal”
“Hold it together”
This fear of feeling judged or seen as weak is common for men but can build up internal pressure to keep their true emotions hidden. Constantly feeling like they need to conceal their genuine feelings in order to keep up a stoic exterior can be emotionally taxing and cause emotional outbursts. It’s like a pressure cooker: You stuff all of these emotions inside, put a lid on them, but eventually the pressure builds up, and if you have no way to slowly release them, the lid flies off, leaving an absolute mess.
pressure cooker with steam releasing from valve
Where Does This Repression Start? (Early Conditioning in Boys)
Many emotional patterns in men begin early in life. Boys often receive subtle (or explicit) messages that emotions like fear, sadness, or sensitivity aren’t acceptable. This conditioning can come from parents, peers, or teachers—phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry” become internalized over time. While these statements might seem harmless, they teach boys to disconnect from what they feel. Over the years, this disconnect turns into emotional repression—leading to a limited emotional vocabulary and a backlog of unprocessed feelings.
Recognizing these early experiences isn’t about placing blame, but understanding the roots of current struggles. Acknowledging these early influences can help break generational cycles and pave the way for emotional growth.
Why Emotional Awareness Matters for Men
Emotional awareness is the ability to notice, name, and understand what you’re feeling in the moment. For men who’ve long repressed their emotions, this can feel unfamiliar—even frustrating. But building emotional awareness is one of the most important steps in preventing outbursts.
When you can identify emotions like frustration, embarrassment, or loneliness as they arise, you have a chance to respond rather than react. This awareness creates space between a trigger and an outburst, helping you stay grounded even when overwhelmed. Over time, practicing emotional awareness leads to more meaningful conversations, stronger relationships, and better self-understanding.
The Impact of Repressing Emotions: Beyond the Outburst
Physical Health Consequences of Repressing Emotional Outbursts
Repressed emotions can cause long-term stress that raises the risk of heart disease and hypertension. Long-term repression of emotions can impair immunity, increasing susceptibility to disease. Physical manifestations of suppressed emotions include headaches, stomach issues, and persistent discomfort (Source).
Mental Health Consequences of Emotional Outbursts
Repressing emotions can lead to increased depression, anxiety, and burnout, exacerbating men’s emotional struggles. It may contribute to alexithymia, making it hard to identify feelings, and heighten the risk of substance abuse as a coping mechanism (Source).
Relationship Consequences of Emotional Outbursts
Frequent outbursts from repression can strain relationships, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and breakdowns in communication. Partners may feel unsafe or unsupported, worsening isolation for repressed men.
How Partners and Loved Ones Can Support Men Through Repression
Healing emotional repression isn’t just an individual journey—it’s relational. Partners, family, and close friends can play a key role in creating space for healthier expression. If you’re supporting a man who struggles with emotional outbursts, here’s what helps:
Stay calm when emotions run high. Reacting defensively often escalates things.
Encourage open-ended questions like “What’s really bothering you?” rather than making assumptions.
Avoid shaming or minimizing emotional expression, even if it feels unfamiliar.
Affirm that expressing pain or frustration doesn’t make someone weak—it makes them human.
Supporting men in expressing their emotions safely builds trust and invites more vulnerability over time.
Emotional Outbursts vs. Professional Help: When to Seek Therapy
While self-help techniques like stress relievers for men are useful for mild issues, persistent emotional outbursts or deep repression warrant professional help. Therapy can address root causes safely. For more insights, visit Psychology Today.
It’s time we rethink what it means to be “strong.” Traditional definitions of masculinity often prize emotional stoicism—but at the cost of mental and relational well-being. Real strength lies in knowing yourself, being open about what’s happening inside, and making space for emotions that feel difficult.
At Here Counseling, we believe that embracing vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s leadership. When men model honest emotional expression, they don’t just heal themselves—they also create ripple effects for the people around them, including their children, partners, and communities.
How Therapy Helps with Men’s Emotional Struggles
Therapy provides a safe space to explore repressed emotions, learn healthy expression, and develop stress management techniques for men. At Here Counseling, our therapists specialize in helping men navigate emotional repression and outbursts for better mental health and relationships. Schedule today!
FAQ: Common Questions About Emotional Outbursts and Repression in Men
What is emotional repression in males?
Emotional repression in males involves unconsciously avoiding or suppressing feelings due to societal expectations, leading to built-up stress and potential outbursts (Source).
Why do guys shut down emotionally?
Guys often shut down emotionally due to toxic masculinity norms that view vulnerability as weakness, causing repression and isolation (Source).
What are men’s emotional struggles?
Men’s emotional struggles include repression, difficulty expressing feelings, societal pressure to be stoic, and resulting issues like depression or outbursts (Source).
How to relieve stress for a man?
To relieve stress for a man, try physical activity, journaling, deep breathing, or talking to a trusted person—key stress relievers for men facing repression.
What’s the difference between emotional repression and suppression?
Repression is unconscious avoidance of emotions, while suppression is a conscious choice to hold them back; both can lead to outbursts in men (Source).
It’s likely that the relationship issue you’re experiencing right now is one of 3 common dysfunctional patterns most couples deal with. Many clients come in to therapy in order to address the issues they are facing in their relationships. Yet when a client of mine starts talking about the issue they’re having in their relationship, they don’t often know what the real problem is. They may not know when the problem began or just how the problem has gotten worse over time. Yet, it’s likely that one of 3 common dysfunctional relationship patterns is impacting the relationship. In this article, I’m going to describe the 3 main dysfunctional patterns that might be impacting your relationship.
Step 1: Identify the areas of your relationship that have felt difficult and strained.
This is a great starting point to understand which dysfunctional relationship patterns are impacting you. Some common problem areas within relationships include:
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #1: COMMUNICATION
Does it feel as though every time you and your partner enter a conversation, it ends in arguments and misunderstandings? Or maybe the conversation feels one way – your partner doing all the talking but not also taking the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps open and honest conversation has stopped altogether. These are common scenarios that exist within dysfunctional relationships.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #2: TRUST
Do you always feel suspicious or uneasy about your partner’s whereabouts, who they might be with, and what they might be doing? When your partner communicates something to you, does it feel hard to believe their word? Have you gotten to the point where you are anticipating feeling disappointed or hurt by their actions and behaviors? All of these things might point to issues around trust.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #3: FINANCES
Finances can be difficult to manage as just one person, and can be even more difficult when you are partnered. Do you feel as though you are taking on more of the financial burden? Have you had conversations around how to split shared expenses? Have those agreements been honored on both ends? Is money used to brush other problems under the rug? Money is a tricky topic and can lead to issues within intimate relationships.
Step 2: Acknowledge the dysfunctional relationship pattern and the healthier pattern you’d like to move towards.
It’s not uncommon for two people who are coming together to have moments when they miss each other. However, without having conversations about these moments, those misses and misunderstandings can be perpetuated, which is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunctional patterns.
Sit down and spend some intentional alone time to think about the patterns that currently exist in the parts of your relationship that feel difficult and strained. Then dream about how you actually want those parts of your relationship to feel. Do you want to be able to have productive, reciprocal conversations with your partner? Do you want to have equal time and space to express your thoughts and feelings? What are the moments that have led you to not trust your partner? What do you both need in order to work towards rebuilding that trust? Have your financial agreements not been upheld? How can you both hold yourself to the financial boundaries you’ve agreed upon?
Step 3: Take time to create new relationship patterns
Just as these dysfunctional patterns developed over time, it will also take time to develop healthier ones. Being patient but also intentional is what leads to building healthier patterns and habits.
It can also be helpful to have an outside perspective who can support you in identifying the patterns that currently exist and working towards new ones. If you’re finding it hard or overwhelming or depressing to work towards change in your relationship, reach out for help – having an intentional space in therapy to reflect on your relationship and the change you want to work towards is one way to change the pattern you’re currently in with your partner.
Couples therapy is a lot like growing a garden. Isn’t it funny when you plant a garden with daisy seeds and along with daisies, a few daffodils pop up? This kind of surprise happens all the time in couples counseling. You come in with a specific relational issue, and then along the way, other issues arise that impact the big picture. Like producing a flourishing garden, it takes thoughtful steps to ensure productive growth in couples counseling. You may find unexpected blooms in the process!
Step 1: Building honesty in couples therapy
A relationship is like a garden, and it needs to have the right conditions in place so that both partners can thrive. Just as you would measure out a garden bed that maximizes exposure to sunlight and water, in couples counseling you must set the stage for safety and honest communication. It’s important to talk about the conditions that foster productive communication and the conditions that trigger conflict. In this stage, we work on setting the parameters for healthy discussion and we build a functional system where couples work is fruitful.
Step 2: Use what’s working in your relationship
When you grow a garden, you choose to plant seeds that will flourish in the setting you have created. Similarly, when you work in couples counseling you draw on what is working in the relationship to help you through the tougher moments. The strengths of each partner are highlighted and utilized to ground the relationship in respect and compassion.
Step 3: Couples therapy is a success when you build your understanding and empathy, not “bashing”
In couples counseling, we talk about our partners to understand ourselves. It is not the place where we just complain about each other. In couples therapy, we talk about how we struggle with aspects of ourselves that bump up against qualities of our partner. We shine light on our own pain points while we nourish our partner’s hurt as well. In the garden of partnership, we become the sun and rain that help the seeds of discomfort grow into beautiful buds.
Consider the seasons in couples therapy
As the garden changes when spring turns to summer, so does the partnership as each partner grows over a lifetime. Couples therapy is always there for partners to return to the landscape of their relationship. You can re-enrich the soil of your love or weed out the things that no longer serve or support growth. It’s never to late to implement new nurturing techniques to bring vitality and joy to togetherness.
If you would like to find out more about working in couples therapy with me, please reach out.
Avoiding feelings is something we often do under stress. For example, when life feels overwhelming, your instinct is to avoid the problems or “check out” from stressful situations. By avoiding difficult emotions, you think you’re sparing yourself from the pain. This is a common belief, and you’re not alone in thinking this way. Avoidance is a protective mechanism that makes sense when you’re just trying to get through the day without being so weighed down. Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes the easiest thing to do is to distance yourself. However, while avoidance can provide immediate relief, it’s not a long-term solution.
Avoiding Feelings Seems Helpful, but…
It’s helpful to recognize the ways you might be avoiding your own emotions. You might end everyday immersing yourself in movies or TV shows, using these as escapes to temporarily forget your worries. You might find comfort in food, using it as a way to cope with your stress. Social media scrolling is another common avoidance tactic, offering a continuous stream of distractions. Some people might bury themselves in work or overcommit to responsibilities as a way to avoid dealing with personal issues. Even seemingly positive activities like exercising excessively or engaging in constant social activities can be forms of avoidance when they are used to escape rather than address emotional distress.
While these activities might offer a quick distraction, as stated in Emotional Efficacy Therapy, they can lead to additional issues and prevent you from addressing the underlying causes of your stress. Recognizing these patterns is crucial in developing healthier ways to manage your emotions and cope with life’s challenges.
Common Costs of Avoiding Feelings:
Disconnected, detached, or numb
Difficulty engaging with or maintaining your relationships
Loneliness and isolation
Feeling easily overwhelmed and dysregulated
Lacking motivation and procrastinating
Withdrawing from social situations
Difficult navigating conflict
Unable to experience intimacy with others
Physical tension or restlessness
Avoiding Feelings is Actually a Barrier to Your Healing
Avoidance might offer temporary relief, but it ultimately prevents true healing and growth. Here’s why:
1. Avoidance Prevents Long-Term Well-Being
When you avoid dealing with your emotions and challenges, you might feel better momentarily, but you know deep down that this relief is fleeting. The underlying issues remain unresolved and can resurface later, often with greater intensity. Imagine trying to ignore a leaking roof by placing a bucket to catch the drips. The immediate problem is managed, but the root cause is still there, and eventually, the roof will slowly but steadily become weaker and need additional support and possibly some repairs.
2. Avoiding Feelings Misses Opportunities for Growth
Your instinct to run away from your difficult experiences leads to missed opportunity to confront and process your feelings. Every feeling, no matter how painful, is an opportunity to grow and engage in a journey of self-discovery. Of course, this can also feel overwhelming and stressful, but it’s through this process that you can learn more about yourself, your triggers, and your needs as a person. Therefore, this self-awareness is crucial for long-term emotional health.
3. Avoiding Feelings Builds Emotional Resilience
Avoidance can prevent you from building emotional resilience. When you face and work through your difficulties, you develop coping skills that increase your capacity to cope with your present and future challenges. It’s similar to building strength through exercise – the more you engage with and overcome emotional challenges, the more resilient you become and the more confident you feel when confronted with future challenges.
Instead of Avoiding Feelings, Face Your Emotions
A healthier and more fulfilling approach involves acknowledging and facing your emotions. Here’s how you can start:
1. Practice Self-Awareness
Begin by practicing mindfulness and self-awareness. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Recognize when you’re feeling the urge to avoid or “check out.” As such, this awareness is the first step in changing your response to stress and starting a path toward growth.
2. Seek Support
Sharing your experiences with trusted people in your life and inviting them into your struggle can be a significant step towards learning to lean into your emotional experiences. Oftentimes, as years of establishing patterns in those relationships, this can feel scary or even impossible. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and develop healthier coping strategies. A therapist can guide you through the process of confronting your challenges and help you uncover the underlying causes of your avoidance.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Understand that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that seeking relief, no matter what that relief looks like for you right now, is a natural response. We all seek relief from difficulties, but it just might be the case that if you are reading this, you’re ready for a change in how you find relief. Basically, be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember, you’re not alone, and many people share similar struggles.
Open the Door to Healing from Avoidance
By acknowledging and facing your emotions, you open the door to true healing and personal growth. You equip yourself with the tools to navigate life’s challenges more effectively, leading to a more fulfilling and stable life. Embracing this healthier approach might feel uncomfortable at first, but the long-term benefits far outweigh the temporary relief provided by avoidance.
With the right support, you can move towards a more authentic and fulfilling life.
We all like things to be full. There is something that comes alive in me when I have a full plate of food, or see that my movie popcorn is overflowing with buttery goodness. It’s also certain that most people love the feeling of a full bank account after payday.
The same feeling of satisfaction can happen with scheduling. We think we’ll feel excited when we fill weeks full of meetings and tasks and the plethora of calendar to-dos. This satisfaction that happens when we see our popcorn bucket overflowing may very well also come alive when we have a day filled with activity. Yet in the midst of this sense of purpose and satisfaction that comes with a week full of to-dos, there is often moments when we find ourselves exhausted and desperate for a way to escape or shut down rather than enjoying all the things that our schedules may hold.
Why we exhaust ourselves with scheduling.
This delight may be just the thing that keeps us filling our daily schedules and calendars. Yet, there is this reality that while we keep finding our agenda full to the brim we may simultaneously be noticing just how exhausting this is. This often creates a space that is desperate to slow down.
If we ignore this deep need to slow down it lead to seeking relief in any way we can.
Having a full calendar and what feels like an endless list of things to accomplish may very well be the thing that has kept you moving forward and able to be the successful student or employee that you are. There are many benefits of having a healthy level of commitments and the impact of this on feelings of satisfaction and happiness. It is often our weekly routines and commitments that give a sense of security and accomplishment which connect into feelings of purpose and value.
But there is a limit to how much of this continual pressure we are able to sustain and still maintain our own well-being.
When we find ourselves feeling like the hamster wheel of life has no way out, these are the moments when our natural instinct will lead us to seek out relief in any way that it can.
How to notice when you are overwhelmed by demands.
Some signs that you may be facing an overwhelming sense of commitments and pressure in your daily life may be:
You notice yourself fantasizing about ways to escape from the stress.
You notice an increase in unwanted patterns of things like substance use, spending, or binge media consumption.
You are more prone to isolating and withdraw from your normal daily activities.
You are experiencing feelings of hopelessness and worry that things will never change.
These may be signs that you may need to lower the load of these demands and begin to take time to notice your own needs. It can sometimes feel selfish to let yourselves move away from the feverish pace of commitments and tasks toward creating space to simply care for your own needs.
The drive to continually show up and care for others can deter us from allowing space we need to care for ourselves .
Taking steps to notice your needs and to let yourselves receive support and care, can help to relieve these patterns of uncontrolled fantasy and escape that keep creeping in.
3 Scheduling Tips to Reduce Exhaustion and Regain Energy
1. Plan regular ways to escape
It is so important to allow space to indulge. This is a way to allow our inner self to feel a sense of being held and cared for. If we don’t plan for this we will find ourselves suddenly out of control in these spaces of self indulgence and instead find these in really unhealthy ways. It is important to plan in regular times of enjoyment for yourself. These don’t have to be huge. Something like, “tonight I am going to take time to slow down to enjoy my glass of wine” or “I’m going to take 10 extra minutes to read my novel, just for fun” may be absolutely enough to help you feel less overwhelmed with the regular stresses.
2. Be adaptable
Being able to consider what you are able to accomplish can be a really valuable tool to help yourself learn how to manage your daily responsibilities. It can be really hard to allow ourselves the space to consider that our capacity for certain tasks may change. How we respond to these feelings and changes is a really caring way to increase a more compassionate way to care for yourself each day. Things like, “I normally feel great about going out with co-workers for Friday happy hour, but today feels a little more scattered for me. I think I’m going to go home and enjoy a quieter night instead.” Noticing what we are experiencing and choosing how to respond can take us to a place of feeling a greater sense of hopefulness and care.
3. Practice letting go of your schedule, even for a short while.
It can be really hard to step away from the things that feel so pressing – work, kids, family, health. The simple practice of choosing to step away from the daily pressures can provide just what you need to begin to learn how to lessen the effects of pending burnout. This could look as simple as:
choosing to turn off your phone as you spend time with a friend
sitting in stillness at a park during your lunch break
allowing yourself one day of the week that is a non-work day where you choose to do only things that are non-work related
Whatever it is, let yourself notice what it is like to pause, even for a few moments. This can help us later while we are in these moments of high stress and to be able to do things with a little more ease. Small pauses can help connect us to the reality that we can take a pause and things will still go on. This can increase a feeling of freedom to notice the continual pressure and to feel less overwhelmed.
Taking a few simple steps to shift how you arrange your day or week will allows you the space to regain a sense of balance that you so deeply need.
Sometimes it can be hard to know where to even begin the process of noticing what we need and taking the steps to get there. If you are experiencing a sense of stress and overload that feels unbearable, it may be helpful to have support in the journey toward finding what you need. I would love to help you in your journey. Let’s set up a time for a consultation call to help you begin toward finding what you need most!
IBS and anxiety can negatively impact some of the most meaningful and connecting moments in life. It can turn a casual get-together or date sour. People who experience IBS can constantly worry about having another attack. Agoraphobia is common too – the fear of leaving home. It’s understandable why people who experience IBS issues experience heightened anxiety around everyday situations.
People with IBS can sometimes feel powerless, like the best they can do is avoid food triggers.
Yet one of the main causes of the inflammation of the gut is your brain.
We’re going to look at the link between anxiety and the gut so you can understand your body better. You’ll learn how anxiety impacts your gut and how to listen to your gut’s activity as a signal. My hope is that by learning to pay attention to yourself in a new way, you’ll be able to not only avoid difficult IBS symptoms, but to learn how to soothe anxiety and feel more like yourself.
The gut is connected to the brain? How? Why??
First of all, all parts of the body have a bi-directional connection with the brain. In fact, the purpose of the brain is to receive input from the entire body, make sense of it contextually, then relay a response that changes the body. The reason the gut-brain connection often needs special explanation is because it’s hard for us to think of the gut as a part of the body that would need connection with the brain. Isn’t the purpose of the gut kind of passive? Don’t we just digest food there? Why would it need to be connected with the brain?
There are 2 reasons worth exploring.
First, what we eat tells us a lot about our environment.
When we’re full, for example, it’s a signal that our bodies are safe, we have what we need. When we’re hungry, that’s contextual information too. We can extend this to how our bodies feel when we eat certain foods. All of this is good information that should impact our intuition about our environment, something the brain is always trying to grasp.
But there’s a second reason for the connection as well:
The gut needs context to do its job well.
Imagine, for example, you have a 16oz steak you’re trying to digest (something that requires significant blood flow and energy), and suddenly you need to run from a threat. If the gut didn’t know there was a threat, it would continue to try to digest the steak and you would be unable to run. But since your brain is connected to your gut, your gut receives a signal to stop digesting (and in some cases to vomit or defecate) so you could use that blood and energy for your heart, lungs, and muscles. In contrast, when you feel safe, you’re surrounded by loved ones, and you eat a satiating meal, your brain tells your gut it’s time to dig in.
In this way your mental state – ideally a result of your intuition of your current environment – impacts the permeability, blood flow, gut microbiome composition, and digestive enzyme composition… and vice versa.
There are 2 main pathways by which your brain and gut interact: a hormonal pathway and a neural pathway. Both pathways are bi-directional, meaning that the activity of the gut impacts your brain, and also that the activity of the brain impacts the gut.
The cortisol pathway: stoking the fire
The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is the hormonal highway between your brain and your gut. The hypothalamus’ job is to keep your body in homeostasis – to keep things in rhythm. When you wake up in the morning, like clockwork your hypothalamus signals to your pituitary to produce adrenaline to get your body moving. Your adrenal glands in turn release cortisol. Your gut has cortisol receptors that signal to the gut that it’s time to move around. This signal changes the composition of your gut biome, your gut biome’s permeability, and blood flow.
Cortisol, over time, creates a leaky gut that is vulnerable to IBS episodes.
The vagal pathway: dousing the fire
Your body also needs a way to soothe itself and return to normal. This is the job of your vagus nerve, which signals for your body to slow back down. If cortisol is like gasoline on the fire, then your vagus nerve is like cooling water that helps the gut return to normal. The vagus nerve is part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the way your body returns to safety and calm.
The vagus nerve runs down past your heart, lungs, and gut. When you see something sweet or comforting, you might feel an opening sensation in your chest and put a hand over your heart. You might take a deep breath and say “awww”. This wonderful sensation is your vagus nerve signaling for your heart, lungs, and gut to open up and slow down.
When your gut receives the vagus nerve signal, lots of things change. The vagus nerve signal:
Starts an anti-inflammatory process in your gut
Slows the cortisol signal
Enforces a stronger gut barrier (decreases gut permeability)
The vagus nerve signal builds a strong gut environment that protects you from IBS episodes.
What an IBS episode looks like inside: Anxiety as a firestorm
When your body is in extreme and prolonged states of stress, high cortisol levels keep the gut in an inflamed state, leading to chronic changes in the gut microbiome and difficulty processing food. This puts the gut – and brain – in a fragile position, or a high “allostatic load”: the cumulative burden of multiple stressors. In this fragile state, any additional stressor can set off a spiral much like a spark will ignite a dry pile of hay.
An additional stressor could be anything: an inflammatory food, or a psychological or environmental stressor, or a combination of all three. While the trigger may be like a spark that starts the fire, the real issue is not the spark itself. The real issue is the spiral – the firestorm – left unmitigated.
When your body gets anxious, it usually has methods to calm back down.
We call this self-regulation. It’s like a fire hose that stops the emotional mind from getting overwhelmed. We might think of a person who is able to take a deep breath when they feel stressed, or to reassure themselves of a positive outcome when they are auditioning. This calming ability happens in our frontal lobes. The orbital frontal cortex and our anterior cingulate helps us soothe ourselves by bringing to mind soothing experiences from our past. We quite literally pull into mind a comforting memory, perhaps a parent rubbing our backs when we’re scared. For someone with a panic disorder or IBS, this frontal lobe circuitry isn’t strong enough to combat the flames of anxiety.
Thus, in an IBS episode, anxiety creates inflammation in the gut either directly or via the HPA axis. In turn, the gut sends a stress signal back to the brain that there’s a problem. If not soothed, this signal triggers the HPA axis, and we release more cortisol into the gut. The changes in our levels of cortisol change our brains as well. When in a panicked state, our frontal lobes shut down in order to get to immediate safety. When this happens, our ability to soothe ourselves is inaccessible. It’s as if the raging fire destroys the few available fire hoses.
When our level of stress passes a certain point, we are unable to stop the spiral: the fire will simply exhaust itself. For those who experience IBS, this is a familiar emotional place: the depressing surrender to an uncontrollable experience.
So what can you do? How to stop the firestrom of anxiety and heal IBS
It’s common for people with IBS to simply avoid triggers. This often means making a list of foods that trigger an attack and avoiding the list as much as possible. Yet, if we think about IBS as a complex neurological pattern that doesn’t simply originate in the gut, but in the relationship between the brain and the gut, then we can start to think about healing in a different way.
1. Create a calmer baseline
Part of the reason certain foods are triggering is the fragility of your gut – the baseline level of functioning that exists. Earlier we referred to this as the “dry bed of hay” that is ready for a match to send it up in flames. What would it mean to have less fragile intestine? Part of what creates fragility in the gut is chronic stressors, or high allostatic load. Elevated cortisol changes our entire physiology. In a real way, anxiety is not simply a “feeling” that impacts IBS – it’s a bodily state.
As such, our blood flow, immune response, inflammation of gut lining, and even our gut microbiome change dramatically when cortisol is present. When our bodies are in chronic stress, our gut cannot heal. The gut stays in this permeable, inflamed, stressed state. Healing our gut doesn’t simply mean avoiding triggers, it means increasing the times when we are completely relaxed and safe. The “safe feeling” we get when we sit down to talk with a trusted friend, when we meditate or pray, or when we receive a long hug, is an indication of our physiology returning to a soothing baseline. That state is what your gut needs to reduce baseline inflammation and restore your microbiome.
2. Grow your Self-Awareness
While some triggers may be food-related, other triggers may be contextual. When looking back at recent attacks, we can wonder about larger contexts that might have created a higher cortisol response. It’s highly possible that attacks are due as much to your emotional state as the foods you eat.
If you are unaware of the cause of your anxiety, you are also unable to self-soothe. To use our fire analogy, a lack of self-awareness is akin to having a fire department that has headphones in. It can’t hear the bells going off until they reach a deafening level; until it’s too late. However, when we’re aware of our anxiety, we’re able to self-soothe before the fire starts raging. We can calm ourselves down, helping the vagus nerve to send signals to our gut that we’re safe.
Self-awareness isn’t an intellectual, but an empathetic effort.
Sometimes we can think of self-awareness as a cold process similar to cartography. For example, if we could just chart out our anxieties we could keep them in control. The real process is much more emotional. Heinz Kohut describes the process of self-awareness as “empathic inquiry”. This means visualizing, leaning in, and coming close enough to the emotions for us to feel their pain. This is a difficult and sometimes scary process to encounter alone. Often we don’t have the perspective to see ourselves. Sometimes we are simply too defended against our own pain to really feel it.
Yet our brains are meant to heal with empathy. Remember those self-soothing frontal-lobe areas we mentioned earlier? (Orbital-frontal cortex and the anterior cingulate) Those pathways aren’t just there by default. When we’re very young, the empathy and soothing we receive by our caregivers become etched in our brains. These early interactions are the pathways that we rely on throughout life to self-soothe.
Your self-soothing ability can grow. When we increase our self-awareness, our empathy for our the anxious and unsafe feelings grow. That empathy is like a fire department that can respond to a fire with soothing water before it begins to rage.
3. Reduce Chronic Anxiety
It’s been demonstrated that even momentary times of calm and peace can be overshadowed and outweighed by stressors. When we’re exposed to a stress, or multiple stressors, the injection of cortisol into your system takes a while to subside. This is called allostatic load. The moments of deep breathing or mindfulness you practice throughout the day are important, but they sadly don’t outweigh the internal stress that can keep you in a high-cortisol state.
What’s the solution? Often the biggest stressors we carry are internal beliefs that impact our entire outlook on life. There is a relationship between early traumatic experiences and later IBS symptoms. This is because like a tea bag in hot water, our childhood experiences color and impact everything we experience. Resolving IBS means experiencing the relief of working through your anxiety. Anxiety is a signal that needs attention and understanding in order to resolve.
IBS and Anxiety: You can heal your gut
We have therapists who can help you reduce chronic anxiety. Identifying triggering foods is important, but can only get you so far. The stressor that most aggravates IBS is often not specific foods, but the chronic stress and anxiety that creates a fragile gut lining. Resolving and reducing anxiety physiologically allows your gut to repair the gut lining so you can be resilient.
Reducing anxiety impacts your everyday life. Not only does it help your gut, but helps your relationships, your job performance, your sleep, and your enjoyment of life. What would it be like for you to experience freedom from anxiety? How different would your day be today if you had more peace? We want to help you get there. Contact one of our therapists who specializes in anxiety. Schedule a free consultation and see how we can help you.
My gut wrenched as I lifted myself from the bathroom floor. I looked in the mirror at my face. It was covered in hives. The hives went down my neck. I lifted my shirt to find my entire torso was covered in hot, red, itching hives. Internally, my stomach was tied in knots. What was happening to me? I had no history of allergies. I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary. And yet I had just spent to last hour on the toilet.
I had traveled to the desert to facilitate a leadership retreat. I pulled up to the AirBnB where we would all be staying, set out the chips and guacamole, and people began arriving. That’s when my scalp started itching. I ignored that until I began to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom. The people I was there to lead filled the time. Finally I mustered the strength to come out of the bathroom and ask for help. They ended up driving me to the emergency room.
When I returned home, my doctors were perplexed. The allergy tests, MRI’s, scopes, bloodwork and exams showed nothing.
Two months later, I traveled to visit family for Christmas. The night after our Christmas family dinner, I woke at 2am with hives and pain in my stomach so intense I lost consciousness. My family called an ambulance and I spent three days recovering in the hospital.
Over two years, this happened six times, all of them during a flight or visit with family. Finally, after numerous visits to doctors, I saw a therapist. Over the course of several months, we were able to explore each of these events. We began to pay attention to what my gut was signaling to me. It became clear that my body was dealing with anxiety that I had been repressing for years, anxiety I had become numb to.
Under the care of my therapist, I’ve been able to go on trips again without attacks. I am actually able to feel my anxiety now, rather than becoming crippled by it.
Today, I see my gut pain as one way that I can tell that I’m getting anxious. When my stomach begins to tighten up, I pay attention to what could be causing anxiety. In the past, my gut had to “shout” to get my attention that something was wrong. After therapy, my gut only has to tighten a little and I respond by caring for myself and asking for help.
Many clients come to therapy because they have a pressing life issue that is causing stress. They seek a therapist to guide them through a turbulent time that has brought confusion into their life. These stressors can be a loss, a break-up, financial strain, professional challenges, or a specific interpersonal conflict causing depression, anxiety or body discomfort. Depending on the issue, therapy can help these types of problems in a defined period of time. However, localized pain is very often connected to powerful experiences that need time to fully process and heal.
The Time it Takes to Heal
The answer, as you can guess, is: it depends. The American Psychological Association reports that on average, 15 to 20 sessions are required for 50% of patients to feel their symptoms have improved. In my experience as a therapist, 3.5 months of weekly 1-hour therapy sessions will help alleviate symptoms as the report suggests. But fully heal the root issue? No. Dealing with one bump in the road of life is one thing, but dealing with the road that got you to that bump is another. And setting yourself up for a clear path into your future is yet another. So, let’s lay out the map.
Short Term Therapy
People tend to think short term therapy means 3-8, 1-hour sessions, but this time frame is more like mini therapy. In 8 sessions, you will just be getting to know your therapist. You will likely be able to understand and name one core personal issue and have 1-2 techniques to help cope with it.
Mini therapy can be helpful in times of crisis or to deal with a pressing issue. You can expect short-term therapy to last 3-5 months. This amount of time allows you to process a specific aspect of your life and face any avoidant tendencies. It offers a basic groundwork for future therapy, if you were to pick it up again, and can provide understanding of how and why you react and feel the way you do. The most important aspect to therapy of this length is that it gives you a chance to establish a trusting relationship with your therapist. According to research, “the quality of the client–therapist alliance is a reliable predictor of positive clinical outcome.”
Long Term Therapy
Historically, long term therapy meant patients coming in for several sessions per week over many years for psychoanalysis. In psychoanalysis, clients are guided to bring unconscious material to consciousness. Even so, psychoanalysis can be flexible in frequency and involve many orientations including talk therapy, somatic psychotherapy, or internal family systems, among others.
Long term therapy essentially means that treatment lasts until the client feels secure enough to take what they have learned from therapy into their life without regular sessions. The client can return at any point to continue therapy, if they feel the need. During long term therapy, sessions explore family of origin, trauma, and core personality traits. This helps you become aware of behavioral patterns, belief systems, and reactivity that may no longer serve you. Additionally, it helps you build alternative frameworks to view yourself and others with compassion.
Life-Long Therapy
Lifelong therapy can be helpful as you age, grow, and change. At each developmental stage of life, our values, and perspectives shift. Returning to therapy over the course of your lifetime supports self-knowledge each step of the way. If you work in therapy over a lifetime, you can process trauma, relieve adverse symptoms, and develop self love. Whatever time you have, whatever time it takes, therapy gets you closer to yourself, closer to well-being, and closer to inner peace. Contact me to talk more about the right time to start therapy.
References Ardito Rita B., Rabellino Daniela, Therapeutic Alliance and Outcome of Psychotherapy: Historical Excursus, Measurements, and Prospects for Research, Frontiers in Psychology VOLUME 2, 2011; DOI=10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00270
de Maat, Saskia3; de Jonghe, Frans3; Schoevers, Robert3; Dekker, Jack1,2. The Effectiveness of Long-Term Psychoanalytic Therapy: A Systematic Review of Empirical Studies. Harvard Review of Psychiatry 17(1):p 1-23, January 2009; DOI: 10.1080/10673220902742476
