Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Holiday Resilience: How to enjoy your break despite disappointment

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season.  This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities.  Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays.  It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities.  But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.  

These three simple steps can help you to navigate holiday disappointment. 

Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy.  This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration.   Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.

Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs

Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events.  Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws?  Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship?  Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most.   Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment.  Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. 
Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight.  This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen.  Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis.  By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.  

Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.  

We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays.  But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress.  When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold.  We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss.  Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.  

But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.  

Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful.  Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed.  Ask yourself:

How am I feeling right now?  

What has gone well today that I feel proud of?  

What moments were not as I had hoped?

These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed.  This keeps you in a place of control and regulation.  It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed.   Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration.  Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.

Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance. 

The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks.  Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed.  Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self.  Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance.  Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment.  Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.  

The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement.  Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments.  Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.

While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.  

Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful.  Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.  

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when people understand red flags they can avoid toxic friendships
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Toxic Friendship? How Red Flags can be Opportunities for Growth

Written by Rose So

There’s always that one friendship that feels more tough than easy. You find yourself often frustrated with that person and misunderstood. Maybe you feel like you put way more into the friendship than the other person does. At its worst, you feel used or manipulated. You wonder if the friendship might qualify as a toxic one.

Perhaps this person even reminds you of a previous difficult friendship. Here’s what a toxic friendship might feel like.

  • You find yourself wondering why there are so many eerie similarities between your current friend and that previous friend
  • You start to play the self-blame game and wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the one that’s difficult to be friends with
  • You feel that you consistently give more to the relationship than you receive
  • You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid of a conflict or abandonment

But friendships always involve two people. There’s a dynamic that just one person cannot be 100% responsible for.

These red flags aren’t simply a signal that you ought to leave, though sometimes that’s needed. They’re opportunities to reflect on similar patterns that have happened throughout your life.

We are drawn to friendships that feel familiar.

This can be both a good and bad thing. When we’re drawn to healthy, reciprocal, safe friendships, it’s a no-brainer that we’d continue to surround ourselves with those types of people. However, sometimes we can also find ourselves drawn towards individuals who don’t feel that way; we find ourselves surrounded by individuals who feel chaotic, distant, and even toxic.

It might not be so obvious at first – you find yourself making excuses for the other person, or being overly accommodating. You attend to their needs at the expense of your own. Slowly over time. your feelings don’t feel valid. You’re constantly apologizing or walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t be yourself. You start blaming yourself for the problems in the friendship and try to adjust in order to make the friendship work. You find yourself often feeling anxious or sad when you think about or have to be around this friend.

The hardest part is that this is not the first friendship that has felt this way. So you feel frustrated that it feels like history is repeating itself again. You wonder why you find yourself in this position again. You begin to believe that you might actually be the problem or maybe that it’s not possible for you to have good friendships.

Here’s Where Red Flags and Green Flags Come In.

Green Flags

All of us have learned certain relational patterns throughout the course of our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to have had mostly safe, reciprocal relationships from early on, then we know what those feel like and are naturally drawn to those kinds of individuals. We know the green flags to look out for and the red flags to avoid; green flag friendships are the ones we end up keeping around, while red flags ones are the ones we end up putting distance between.

Red Flags

However, for those that grew up with chaotic, dysfunctional, distant, or unsafe relationships, your sense of green and red flags has been thrown off. You’ve learned how to operate and survive with red flag individuals. You’ve learned to stay silent or to be overly accommodating. You’ve learned to avoid addressing your needs and feelings. You’ve learned all the “right” things to do and “wrong” things to avoid to keep this relationship around.

You don’t like feeling this way but this is the type of relationship that feels most familiar to you and, unconsciously, you find yourself drawn to those that result in you continuing to repeat this relational pattern.

Why it may be helpful to pause, acknowledge, and process your relational patterns

1. You don’t like how you feel.

Maybe you find yourself feeling noticeably anxious or sad around this friend. Maybe your self-esteem has been negatively impacted throughout the course of the friendship. Whatever feeling it may be, you know it’s not how you normally feel or how you feel when you’re with safe, reciprocal friends.

2. You can begin to identify your own relational needs and desires.

What are the green flags that make you want to continue to invest time and energy into a friendship? What are the red flags that might warrant pausing and assessing how to move forward in the friendship? Safe friendships don’t consistently feel one-way or one-sided; there should be a mutual give and take. Is it possible to have conversations about your wants and needs in the friendship? If not, maybe that’s an indication of the kind of friend that the other person is or is not able to be.

3. You can recognize green flags and red flags more quickly in future friendships.

This is key in the process of changing unhealthy relational patterns and learning new ones; you don’t know what needs adjusting until you can identify the things that are not working. By acknowledging your own unhealthy relational patterns, you open up the possibility of learning to engage differently with those around you, which then allows you to form relationships with the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

Moving Away From Toxic Friendships Towards Safe, Green Flag Friendships

Acknowledging and changing old relational patterns is hard work. It requires time, effort, and patience but the benefits of investing in yourself in this way are significant.


You don’t have to stay stuck in the same types of friendships that leave you feeling confused, misunderstood, and alone. If relationships are an area of your life that you want to improve, reach out and work with a professional to do so. You don’t have to do it alone.

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happy couple who resolve conflict without feelings of abandonment
Healthy Relationships

Take a Time Out: How to survive relationship conflict without abandonment

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Having the skills to stay engaged when relationship conflict arises can feel impossible. Sometimes, you wish you could push the eject button as soon as another argument begins. You find yourself remaining silent, or saying whatever you feel will “ease the tension,” even just for a moment. You feel desperate to quickly resolve the tension in whatever way you can.  

Fight or Flight: To Enter Relationship Conflict or Flee

This cycle can ease the tension for a brief moment. You may feel a brief wave of relief. You were able to keep things from getting out of hand. However, that underlying unease you feel may remain.This may be a sense of internal guilt: a form of self-blame for feeling unable to express your needs. You may feel stuck inside your own head, knowing all the things you wish you could have said but somehow couldn’t find the words in the heat of conflict. This can lead to even greater frustration and a continued feeling of disconnection with your partner.  

In moments of stress, you may experience a natural flight response pattern: a desire to withdraw and avoid.

When experiencing the stress of relationship conflict, our bodies are programmed to respond in one of two ways, which correlate with our need for survival: pursue or withdraw. These are natural tendencies when we feel we need to protect ourselves. Some try to overcome this stress by engaging with their partner in relationship conflict. Others engage in the pattern of withdrawal. The latter can lead to feeling trapped in the stress, which often produces a strong desire to avoid the source of conflict.

Relationship conflict can cause these patterns of stress response to arise because our brains register conflict as a threat to our social well-being. Many individuals have a tendency to desire to “escape” conflict because they struggle to process their thoughts when under emotional stress. This desire fuels acts of abandonment: pushing the source of conflict (often our partner) away to alleviate the stress.

Is Avoiding Conflict Always Bad?

In short, no. This escape pattern is not always bad. However, at times it can prevent us from expressing our own wants and needs. This can lead to a destructive cycle of guilt and frustration or, alternatively,  anger and hopelessness. It doesn’t have to be this way.

You can learn a new way to manage conflict in your relationship, which will lead to greater connection.

How To Better Manage Relationship Conflict 

Consider the following three steps to break the cycle of fight or flight and better manage your next relationship conflict.

1. Learn to notice your stress response

  • The first step is to gain awareness. Specifically, aim to notice the ways you typically respond to conflict in your relationship. Do you tend to fight, flight, or freeze? Understanding your typical conflict stress response can be an invaluable tool to navigate conflict more effectively.
  • Your stress response is likely a learned response that has helped you navigate difficult situations in the past. However, is it serving you in your current relationship?
  • It is common for one partner to have a stress response of fighting and the other partner to have a stress response of avoidance. Understanding both your and your partner’s response to conflict can help you to learn to recognize when you are experiencing tension in your relationship and to remain engaged, rather than exacerbate or avoid the conflict.

2. Explore a phrase that can help to communicate your need to take a break

    • The value of a phrase that both partners agree will pause an argument cannot be overstated.
    • When one partner uses this phrase, it provides both individuals with the time and space to process what the conflict and identify their emotions. 
    • When they return, they will both be more capable to communicate their feelings and needs, without being overwhelmed by emotion in the moment.
    • Remember, collaborate with your partner to select this phrase prior to arguing: in a conflict-free moment.
    • Phrases such as, “I think I need a time out” or “Let’s take some space” can be easy phrases to help you and your partner pause and take a break.

    3. Name a time and place to return to the conversation

    • This step is essential. The key step to taking a pause from a relationship conflict is to first mutually agree upon a time and place to return.
    • That way, both parties can rest assured that their partner is dedicated to resolving the issue. Neither has to worry that their partner is avoiding the conflict. 
    • Instead, both individuals can take time to emotionally self-regulate. Then, when they return to the argument, work toward a solution with more clarity and security. 
    • Thus, when asking for a pause, be as specific as possible in terms of the when and how of coming back together. You might try: ”let’s talk tonight right after dinner.” You may prefer: “How about we come back to this in 20 minutes after a mental break to process how we feel.” Both are excellent to give a specific timeframe to the pause.
    • It is important to allow space for your partner to agree with the suggested time frame. Foster opportunity for them to offer an alternate suggestion and be open to compromising if needed.  

    The Benefits of Taking a Pause

    Take a time out to slow down, refresh, and discern what you need in a moment of conflict.

    Using these steps can create an important foundation to navigate stressful moments and conversations in your relationship. You can begin to express your true feelings while also considering your partner’s emotions and needs.  

    It can feel challenging to learn a new way of showing up when you notice tension rising in your relationship. It takes practice to pause in order to minimize feelings of tension with your partner. Over time, however, this practice will foster a new pattern. A pattern that minimizes unwanted conflict and tension, instead helping you move toward connection and resolution.  

    Therapy for Relationship Conflict

    Pursuing therapy can be a key step to help you learn how to more effectively manage relationship conflict. In collaboration with your therapist, you can create a plan for how and when to pause an argument. The mental processing you make space for during this “time out,” in which you step away from the argument, will allow you to learn how to share your true feelings when you return to your partner.

    Remember, you deserve this brief pause. It can help you find a sense of calm in order to think clearly about what you need from your partner. Over time, you will begin to learn how to think with greater clarity and therefore say the things that you know are important to you. This can help you increase your self-confidence and move toward the authentic connection that you have been seeking. 

    Kristi Wollbrink
    Kristi Wollbrink

    I help couples learn a new way to move through conflict and difficulties in order to find a sense of security and connection with each other.  If you find that you are feeling stuck in patterns of stress in your relationship, I would love to help you find a way to move toward deeper connection.  

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    relationship therapy in Los Angeles
    Healthy Relationships, Parenting

    Did your “Tiger Parent” help? How your Asian upbringing impacts you today

    Written by Here Counseling

    “Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.

    Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.

    As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”

    You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.

    What Is Tiger Parenting?

    The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.

    Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:

    • Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
    • Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
    • Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)

    A belief that discipline = love

    In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.

    TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY

    Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth. 

    If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:

    • Cultural and familial context matters
    • We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents

    How It Affects You as an Adult

    Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.

    Many adult children of tiger parents experience:

    • Chronic anxiety or burnout
    • A harsh inner critic
    • Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
    • Shame around failure or “letting people down”
    • Struggles with identity or decision-making

    Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.

    DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!

    Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.

    Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors. 

    TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD

    In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds. 

    It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles. 

    TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL 

    Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.

    We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.

    The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.

    See our Pasadena Therapists
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    Signs You Might Still Be Affected Today

    You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.

    You might:

    • Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
    • Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
    • Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
    • Avoid disappointing others at all costs
    • Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve

    These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.

    How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting

    You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.

    Together, we can:

    • Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
    • Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
    • Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
    • Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
    • Learn how to set boundaries without shame
    • Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance

    In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.

    Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.

    Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This

    So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.

    And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.

    You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.

    Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.

    If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:

    • Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
    • Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
    • Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
    • Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.

    Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.

    Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling

    At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.

    We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.

    You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.

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    Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

    How to Fix a Bad Apology

    Written by Here Counseling

    The bad apology: We’ve all heard one. We’ve all used one. And when we do it feels so gross.

    “God, I’m SORRY!”
    “I don’t know what I did but whatever it is I apologize.”
    “I guess I’m sorry that you think I wasn’t listening.”
    “Look, I said I’m sorry. Why’re you still angry?

    No. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. Actually, a bad apology usually makes the person we’re apologizing to even more upset. Because it isn’t really an apology.

    How to Tell When an Apology Isn’t Sincere

    It can be hard to know when someone really means “I’m sorry” — especially when you’re emotionally raw. But learning to spot the signs of a hollow apology can protect your peace, and help you decide how (or whether) to move forward with someone.

    Here are a few signals that the apology you’re hearing might not be coming from a place of true remorse:

    1. “If” and “but” apologies
     “If you felt that way” or “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” aren’t real apologies. They dodge responsibility and put the burden on you for having feelings. That’s not repair — that’s evasion.

    2. Blame gets redirected
     When an apology slips in a line like “You made me do it,” it’s not about healing — it’s about shifting guilt. Real apologies stay with the impact, not the excuse.

    3. It’s vague
     A half-apology might say “I messed up” but skip what exactly was done wrong. If someone can’t name their behavior, it’s hard to believe they really understand it.

    4. The focus is on their intentions, not your hurt
     “I didn’t mean to” might be true — but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. If someone is more focused on how misunderstood they feel than how you feel, the apology isn’t landing.5. The pattern repeats
     If you keep hearing “I’m sorry” but nothing ever changes, that’s not growth — that’s a loop. A meaningful apology includes effort. Without that, the words start to feel empty.

    A bad apology is a demand. It’s a shield. It’s selfish.

    A bad apology translates to:
    “Stop feeling angry. Stop being sad. You being upset means I’m a bad person. I don’t wanna hear that. I said I’m sorry so I can be done with this.”

    A bad apology takes care of ourselves. It denies responsibility because acknowledging we did something wrong is uncomfortable.

    But all of this misses the whole point of an apology.

    A good apology is supposed to take care of the person who’s hurt. It’s a gift of your empathy and understanding.

    A good apology requires you to sit for a moment in the head of the person across from you and set aside your own discomfort to take care of them.

    A good apology provides resolution so that both of you get to feel genuinely better at the end.

    The Cost of a Bad Apology

    It’s not just that a bad apology doesn’t help — it actually makes things worse. It creates distance instead of closeness. It turns vulnerability into frustration. And over time, it teaches the other person that bringing up hurt feelings isn’t safe or worth it.

    When that happens often enough, people stop sharing what they feel. The relationship moves into quiet resentment, emotional shutdown, or blowups that seem to come out of nowhere.

    Learning how to apologize well isn’t about being perfect. It’s about keeping the connection open, even in moments of conflict. And that’s what makes a relationship stronger.

    Why Are Bad Apologies So Common?

    We don’t learn how to apologize well. Most of us grow up seeing apologies used as damage control — a way to end the conversation, not repair the relationship. We see apologies as a transaction: “Say the words, and let’s move on.”

    But real apologies require emotional presence, not just polite language. They ask us to sit in discomfort for a minute and consider someone else’s pain without immediately managing our own. That’s a skill many people never learned.

    Understanding why bad apologies happen doesn’t excuse them. But it helps us shift from shame to responsibility. And it opens the door to doing things differently.

    So if you want to practice a good apology, here are the steps:

    Calm yourself.

    Criticism often feels deeply personal and emotionally charged. When someone tells you that you did something that hurt or offends them, you’re likely going to feel a sharp pang of adrenaline. Don’t counterattack. Hold back your defensiveness. Don’t argue. Don’t explain why you did what you did. In a good apology, those are inside thoughts. Breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t being attacked, so you don’t need to defend.

    Listen.

    You have to listen carefully to what the person is upset about. Maybe even repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Then with genuine curiosity and without anger, ask them if you understood. Allow them to correct you and repeat this until you understand clearly.
    “Oh, you’re saying that being on the phone when I got home today felt like I was ignoring you. Is that right?”
    “…and I wasn’t paying attention to the questions you were asking me. Ok.”

    Reflect.

    Pause and take a moment to think about how they felt. Really consider the situation from their perspective; then express why their reaction makes sense to you. If it still doesn’t make sense, go back to asking questions (with curiosity and without anger) until it does.
    “That makes sense. I can see why if I’m literally not responding it feels like I was ignoring you.”

    Take Responsibility.

    Accept that you did something wrong. Say this clearly to the other person without trying to soften the “wrongness” of what you did or shift the blame. They will see right through that.
    “You’re right. I wasn’t really paying attention today. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I know you like for us to talk when I get home.”

    Apologize Directly.

    Say the damn words.
    “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I made you feel ignored. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t care about you.”

    Take Action.

    Identify what you would like to do differently and then do it. And if in the moment, you’re not sure how to fix the problem, you can say that too, as long as you also verbally take the responsibility to think about it and come up with something later.
    “Tomorrow I’ll make sure to set down my phone when I come in.”

    Check-in.

    The point of a good apology is to take care of the person you love. Circle back to how they feel. Gently ask them if they feel better. Keep in mind that they might not feel better, but even if it’s not in this moment, a good apology can lead to emotional resolution.
    “I love you. How’re you feeling? ”

    When You’re Not Ready to Apologize

    Sometimes you’re still hurt, confused, or overwhelmed yourself. And trying to force out an apology when you’re not ready can feel fake — or worse, resentful.

    If you’re not ready, it’s okay to say that. But don’t leave the other person hanging. You can say something like:

    “I know this mattered to you, and I want to talk about it. I just need a little time to sort through my own feelings so I can be present with you.”

    A good apology doesn’t have to be immediate. It has to be sincere. Take the time you need, but stay connected. Let them know you’re coming back to the conversation.

    What to Do When the Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

    You’ve heard the words, but something still feels… off. The apology doesn’t sit right, and you’re left wondering what to do with that discomfort.

    You’re not overreacting. And you don’t have to ignore it.

    Here’s what you can try:

    Speak honestly about how it landed
     Use “I” statements to reflect how you feel without escalating things. Try:

    “I appreciate you trying to make things right, but the apology didn’t feel like it addressed what happened.”

    Ask for clarity
     Sometimes, people are well-meaning but unskilled. You can invite them to go deeper:

    “Can you help me understand exactly what you’re apologizing for?”

    Name what you need
     If you’re ready to move forward but need something specific, say so. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a change in behavior. Either way, you deserve to name your boundaries.

    Protect your emotional space
     You don’t owe continued access to someone who consistently disregards your feelings — even if they say “sorry.” You can love someone and still choose distance when needed.

    Decide what repair looks like for you
     Genuine repair takes time, effort, and mutual investment. You get to choose what’s best for your well-being, whether that’s reconnection or release.

    Calm yourself. Listen. Reflect. Take Responsibility. Apologize Directly. Take Action. Check-in.

    A good apology helps. It does what apologies are supposed to do. It takes care of someone who’s hurt.

    It’s important to remember that good apologies are necessary but they’re not a silver bullet. All of the above assumes that the person you’re apologizing to is emotionally aware and is acting in good faith. It assumes that they know their needs and are being direct. Without those conditions met, even the best apology might go south.

    There are so many things that get in the way of peace in our relationships. If you find yourself stuck, that even your good apologies don’t seem to be moving you toward a place of resolution, please reach out. That’s where therapy can help.

    But to start with it’s important to step back from the bad apologies, step back from defending yourself, and in a moment of vulnerability choose to be loving instead.

    Therapy Can Help You Practice Apologizing Differently

    Apologizing isn’t just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, vulnerability, empathy, and communication patterns. These are deep skills, and if you didn’t grow up learning them, it’s not your fault. But you can learn them now.

    In therapy, we help you slow down the moment, notice what’s happening underneath your reactions, and build a new way of responding — one that helps both people feel seen and safe.

    If conflict keeps repeating itself in your relationships — even when you’re trying to do the right thing — we’re here to help you break that pattern and build connection instead.

    See Our Therapists in Pasadena and LA
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    Healthy Relationships

    “Can we talk about it?” Why Difficult Conversations are Just what Your Relationship Needs

    Written by Rose So

    I get it. It always feels easier to ignore the thing that’s bothering you in your relationships – whether that be with your friend, coworker, boss, family member, or partner. 

    You hope that the comment that rubbed you the wrong way or the awkward moment of tension will just pass and be a thing of the past. You hope that with enough time, both you and the other person will forget about that incident and things will just feel normal again.

    If you just ignore it hard enough and for long enough, things will go back to how they once were, right?…

    But what really ends up happening when you avoid difficult conversations?

    Things don’t go back to normal. You don’t forget about the hurt, annoyance, or anger you felt towards that other person. Instead, the longer you go without having that hard conversation often results in tensions rising, things feeling more awkward, and becoming increasingly frustrated and irritated at the smallest issues. The comment or moment you initially hoped would pass becomes the foundation of all the following issues you have with the other person. 

    So what can you do instead?

    1. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Was there a particular instance? Was it something that was said? Or something that was done? Whatever it may be, take some intentional time to process through what has left you feeling however it is you’re feeling towards the other person.
    2. Brainstorm what you’d like to communicate to the other person. What are the most important things you’d like to say? Are there things you’d like to say first before following up with additional thoughts? Writing these things down might help you to understand what feels most crucial to eventually communicate to the other person.
    3. Talk those points through with someone who feels safe to you. It can be helpful to have another listening ear be on the receiving end of what you’d eventually like to communicate to the person you’ve felt hurt by. Perhaps that safe person can help you rephrase certain things or even remind you of other important things to mention. 

    Difficult conversations are opportunities for individual and relational growth.

    While it can initially feel easier to avoid those conversations, dodging them often results in increased tension, anxiety, annoyance, and hurt. Taking some intentional time to work through whatever the issue is between you and the other person may be what brings some actual peace and relief. It might even be an opportunity to strengthen and solidify your relationship with that individual. Moving forward, you may both understand one another better and know how to be a better friend, coworker, sister, brother, partner, etc. 

    So take some time to pause, reflect, and communicate. It’s an important part of creating the deep, meaningful, safe relationships we all need to thrive. 

    Rose So, MA
    Rose So, MA

    I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

    Learn more about therapy with Rose

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    Healthy Relationships

    Stuck in conflict? Build boundaries to stop painful patterns in relationships

    Written by Here Counseling
    • Do you struggle with building boundaries?
    • Have you paid attention to the patterns you hold in your relationships?
    • Do you find yourself setting no boundaries with potential friends but you swear them out of your life when they cross an invisible line?
    • Do you feel like you have your guard up all the time and never let anyone in despite constantly struggling with loneliness?
    • Maybe you seek very intimate relationships and see potential in almost anyone, even though logically you can see the red flags that all your friends have identified?

    Relationships and Building Boundaries as Adults

    The older we get, the harder it is to connect and maintain relationships, whether platonic friendships or romantic partnerships. It is common for us to look back at our relationships and finally notice a pattern.

    • Maybe you have a few close friends, but you distanced yourself from others after small incidents that you never chose to surface and resolve, and now you are stuck holding resentment.
    • Perhaps you were in a committed, long-term relationship once or twice, but now it feels hopeless that you will find someone with whom you can be vulnerable. 
    • Maybe you continue to be in committed relationships one after another, but you wonder if you should take a break to be alone for a while?

    It’s helpful for us to reflect on our relationships and find out why we continue to be in potentially unhelpful patterns. When we are unsure of the actions we continue to take, we may fill ourselves with doubt, guilt, or shame around why we are the way we are. We end up asking ourselves, “what’s wrong with me?” But instead of blaming ourselves for the relational need we might have, we can examine and find out what it is that we are really seeking.

    Exploring your Current Conflicts and Boundaries

    First, we examine and try to recognize our patterns. Only when we have identified our relational patterns can we take the next step to work on changing the patterns slowly. Trying out a different behavior from our instinctive, patterned behaviors allows us to see how we feel about the change. Sometimes changing our patterns makes us feel empowered, and we are motivated to unlearn unhelpful behavioral patterns. Other times, we might finally learn the real reason why we were behaving a certain way repeatedly because we chose to act differently this time. Either way, it will give us a better understanding of who we are. 

    In this exploratory stage to find out more about ourselves, we try reacting in relationships in a way that’s unlike us. We resist the ways that we have interacted with others in the past. All the while, we pay attention to how it feels and process what’s going on. This stage takes time and effort. There will likely be much observing in patience and processing different emotions that we don’t yet have the words to describe. Meaningful change or gaining insight will happen at different paces for everybody, and that’s okay. 

    Building Boundaries and Changing Relationship Patterns

    Our dynamics with our friends and loved ones are already built and developed throughout our lives. Thus, when we do something different, and out of character for us, there can be resistance from the people in our lives. For example, we express our needs instead of going along with the plans of our very direct friend. The friend could either be concerned, “I’m sorry, this is unlike you. Have I made you uncomfortable?” or annoyed, “This is what we always do, what’s gotten into you today?” This process is long and can be painful because sometimes we have to sift out some friendships that never served us well. On the other hand, we make new friends that will accept us for who we are in the moment. At times, we may have to step back and simply allow time for those around us to accept the changes we are bringing into the relational dynamics. 

    No matter what, we choose to grow for ourselves and continue to push, challenge, and improve the dynamics we have made with the people in our lives. I can promise you that the ones that have been in our lives for the right reasons will stay even if we change. Those who care for us will likely encourage us and love us for how we are growing. 

    Reminder for You as You Build Boundaries

    There will also be times when we fall back into our old habits, and that’s okay. We can wonder why it might have happened, and through this process, we can develop more insight into who we are. With time, we can practice claiming our space, needs, and desires, where we face conflict, resolve and repair relationships. 

    Get rid of painful patterns by building boundaries in therapy

    What I described above is a part of what relational work looks like in therapy. Therapy can’t teach you to be perfect, but it can help you ignite the process of learning about yourself and how you exist with others. And after the termination of therapy, clients continue to push and pull in their relationships to create healthy, meaningful intimacy that fulfills them because one thing for sure is that this journey of self-growth is life-long, no matter if you are in therapy or not.

    As a therapist, I long to create a therapy space where my clients can self-reflect without fearing what they might find within, where they can express themselves without worrying about judgment or social norms. I want to assure my clients that it’s okay for us to have our needs. It can be scary to acknowledge our needs and then seek them, even ask for help from others, but when we learn to do that, we will finally learn not to stand alone for so long. If creating better relational dynamics through building boundaries is something you are looking for, we can schedule a consultation to see if we can work together. 

    Seohyun Joo, MA
    Seohyun Joo, MA

    I help people learn to resolve their anxiety and express their needs.

    Learn more about therapy with Seohyun
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    Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Parenting

    Can changing the way you listen help you feel more connected with your teen?

    Written by Kristi Wollbrink

    It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.

    Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.  

    Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.

    1. Don’t solve; just listen. 
      It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard.  A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.  
    2. See yourself as a “bumper.”
      One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
    3. Let your teen discover their solutions. 
      Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves. 

    Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication

    By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.

    It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.  

    Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
    Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

    I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

    Learn More about Therapy with Kristi

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    Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

    These myths are keeping you depressed in your relationship

    Written by Kristi Wollbrink

    Have you ever had the feeling that no matter how hard you try to make a change, you are just not able to “get it right” in the relationships and with the people that matter to you the most? You might find yourself worried all the time, holding back in your interactions, second-guessing yourself, or even finding that you want to give up because you feel so uncertain about if things will get better.

    You might be having a depressive experience.

    Feeling depressed in a relationship may look like this:

    • you internalize responsibility for all of your mistakes
    • you find yourself ruminating on your words and actions
    • you feel exhausted after being with your partner
    • you avoid conflict

    One of the first steps toward change is naming the myths that often contribute to feeling depressed in your relationships.  

    Could one of these common myths be keeping you stressed or depressed in your most important relationships?

    Myths that may be Keeping you Depressed in your Relationship

    1. “I have to get it right all the time.” It’s impossible for us to do things perfectly every time, especially when talking about relationships. Instead, it is crucial to recognize that we will have ups and downs and let those be ok and normal.  
    2. “I always mess things up.” When we make a mistake, it can be easy to go back to a headspace of feeling like all we do is mess up. However, this mindset overlooks everything that has gone well in our relationships and the value we add to those relationships.
    3. “My relationship doesn’t look like “their” relationship.” Comparing ourselves and our relationships with what we see around us is typical.  But sometimes, comparison can cause us to begin to believe that somehow we aren’t measuring up or that we are the only one for whom things are difficult.  Everyone has difficulties, and sometimes we may need to remind ourselves that there isn’t one way to be in a relationship. 

    Once we recognize the myths we may believe, we can change these thoughts and decrease the stress that keeps us feeling depressed in our relationships.  

    As you begin to shift some of these thinking patterns, you can move away from your hesitations and worries. From here, you can continue taking steps toward a greater sense of ease and connection in your relationships.

    Identifying the myths that may be keeping you feeling depressed is an essential first step in the journey toward feeling less depressed and moving toward more profound, more intimate connections. 

    When Therapy may be Helpful for your Relationship

    Therapy may be a helpful step for individuals or couples struggling with finding deep intimacy in their relationships. A therapist can provide a safe space and support to help you identify the myths that have you feeling depressed and help you move forward toward finding the sense of connection you have long desired.  

    Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
    Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

    I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

    LEARN MORE ABOUT THERAPY WITH KRISTI

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    Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Neurology

    Listening is “fixing”: how to help your partner when they’re sad or scared

    Written by Connor McClenahan

    “I don’t want you to just fix the situation – can’t you just hear me?” 

    For many couples this is a familiar rough spot. Maybe one partner is overwhelmed by something difficult, and the other partner – often well intentioned – responds by finding solutions to the pain. This can be a place of contention and can escalate quickly. Each partner can be frustrated. One feels unheard and dismissed, the other feels helpless.

    Yet there’s a way both partners can learn to navigate these difficult moments to create deeper connection. To start, we need to ask an important question:

    Why do we share emotions?

    This may seem like a silly question, but let’s think about this for a minute. What is the function of sharing an emotion with another person? Why do we do it? Why, in this imagined scenario, does one partner want to be “heard” and share their feeling? 

    Emotions are at the core of our daily lived experience of the world. Before we think or act, we feel. A feeling is a potentiality toward a certain action. Just like hunger is a potentiality that is satisfied by eating (think of the cathartic relief of a large dinner after a day of fasting!), emotions are potentialities that are satisfied by… well, that’s a bit more unclear isn’t it? 

    Let’s think about this:

    When we’re feeling sad, for example, what is the sadness needing?

    When we’re feeling scared, what is the anxiety needing?

    It’s needing to be shared.

    This is what neuropsychologists call “attunement” – it’s the way our brains tune-in, just like a radio, to another person’s feeling. By tuning in and sharing the feeling together, something really remarkable happens: the feeling starts to recede. Sharing emotions is about inviting another person to experience our emotions with us so we can feel safe again. 

    Once we’re safe, it becomes much easier to think together about solutions.

    Our frontal lobes, responsible for planning and strategic thinking, go offline when we’re overwhelmed, but do a much better job when we feel safe and understood.

    This is a process that happens naturally for all of us. When we watch someone get tackled in a football game, our minds naturally share his emotional experience. When we watch a contestant win a sing-off, we find ourselves tearing up with them. Our anterior cingulate cortex is responsible for simulating another’s experience in our own minds. We are built to naturally do this – to deeply share and tune-in to the emotional experiences of others. This is such a powerful and constant experience, that it’s more accurate to say emotions happen BETWEEN people, rather than “within” a person. 

    So if this is so natural, why do we have such a hard time doing it with those closest to us?

    Here’s the short answer: when we can’t attune to a certain feeling our partner is having, it’s because this feeling wasn’t attuned to well in our own histories. For some of us, we’ve learned that our own cries for help when we’re scared, or our own cries of sadness when we’re hurt actually drove our parents farther away from us. Or possibly, no one heard our cries at all. There can be an eerie sense that as you start to share that same emotion with someone today, that you’ll be left in the same bad place you were before: alone and maybe even ashamed. Tuning out of that emotion can be this way that you’re saying to yourself and your partner: “don’t cry out like that, I’ve known what it’s like and it doesn’t end well.” 

    These kinds of experiences – where we find ourselves pulling away instead of tuning in – can be powerful to share with our partners.

    Sharing the ways our own anxiety or sadness or anger was dismissed can be an important step toward learning to tune in better together. It might be best to pick a moment when your partner and you have cooled down. 

    Therapy helps us grow in awareness about how our own histories of connection contribute to our experience of our current relationships. Growing in empathy and understanding for our own cries, our own ways of surviving, can help us see ourselves and others more clearly, and experience a more satisfying connection with others. 

    So next time a conversation comes up around a strong feeling, know that the best way to fix it is actually to tune in, share the emotional experience with your partner, and together feel safe and connected again.

    Connor McClenahan, PsyD
    Connor McClenahan, PsyD

    I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

    LEARN MORE ABOUT CONNOR

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