Effective communication is vital for couples to feel connected and understood. Yet, many partners struggle with this, especially when life gets busy or the relationship feels stuck in a rut. This article shares essential communication skills, practical steps, and common pitfalls to help you and your partner communicate better. By fostering curiosity and using these strategies, you can strengthen your bond and create a deeper, more meaningful connection.
Why Communication Skills Matter in Relationships
Communication skills is one of the main issues that prevent partners from feeling an overall connection to one another. Many couples want to communicate better but find it difficult when they are managing busy lives or not having time to ask each other the questions they used to while dating. When you are feeling disconnected from your partner, it can be really difficult to maintain a level of curiosity about their lives.
How the two of you are interacting in a relationship can feel like an endless pattern that makes you feel trapped. We know that this can’t be the only way to relate, but partners often feel helpless about where to begin when they have gone months or even years feeling disconnected.
Top Communication Skills for Couples
To build a strong foundation, couples need to master a few key communication skills. These skills help you understand each other better and navigate challenges with empathy and respect. Here are five essential skills every couple should practice:
Active Listening: Listen without interrupting. Show you’re engaged by nodding or restating what your partner says (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed”).
Expressing Emotions Clearly: Use “I” statements to share your feelings (e.g., “I feel stressed”) instead of blaming (e.g., “You always ignore me”).
Asking Curious Questions: Spark deeper conversations with open-ended questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
Reading Nonverbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and facial expressions to understand unspoken emotions.
Making Time to Connect: Set aside intentional time each week—like a walk or coffee date—to talk without distractions.
Yet today we’re going to explore one larger communication skill for couples that underlies these 5 communication skills: curiosity. The saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat” but today we will explore how simple curiosity can be the fuel for connection in your marriage.
After reading an article from the New York Times titled: The Midlife Marriage Tuneup I felt inspired to write about three questions that can help you communicate better with your partner. My hope is that this can be especially helpful if it has been hard for you or your partner to be curious about each other.
How can curiosity help you communicate better with your partner?
When life feels really difficult and stressful, it can be hard to slow down and hear about your partner in a deeper way. Curious questions can spark deep conversations that can lead to a deeper connection and appreciation for your partner. This curiosity helps each partner communicate better by allowing each person to feel heard and seen.
I would highly recommend carving out an intentional space in your week to discuss these questions with your partner. Ask your partner if they would like to get coffee, or dinner, or go on a walk. This space can offer each of you the opportunity to find connection in an intimate way, without the demands of life knocking at your door.
3 Questions to Build Curiosity and Foster Communication Skills
1. What is your “current location?”: Communicate better by asking how your partner feels in the moment
First off, no this does not mean asking your partner to share their location on their phone. I know this sounds confusing already and you may even be asking yourself how this question makes sense in a relationship. However, just like it is important to know someone’s address when you are traveling to their house, it is essential to know what your partner is feeling when you go into a conversation with them.
My mentors in couples therapy, Nick and Renee Fouts, developed this question to help couples locate each other’s emotions like they are looking at each other with a map. The idea being that once you know where each partner is located, you are better able to meet them where they are at. This sort of curious questioning leads to a deeper understanding of what our partner is going through, and can help us know what our partner may need in the moment. If this question doesn’t land, it might be easier to ask “what are you feeling in this moment?” or “what are the good and bad parts of your day that you would like to share?”
2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, and why?
It can be very difficult to talk about dreams with your partner when you are feeling surrounded by the demands of life. Once the honeymoon phase fades, talking about dreams can feel daunting or even wasteful, as the demands of life increase.
Sharing each other’s dreams can be a great way for couples to see where they may align in shared interests or goals. This sort of connection can lead to a renewed sense of optimism, and it also allows space for couples to see where they are different as well. You can even take time to ask how each of you can support one another better in their goals.
3. What are your needs right now?
Finding alignment in how your partnership can improve is always difficult. It is very difficult to strike a balance between being emotionally honest and pushing a partner away. If both of you feel like you are giving each other the opportunity to share however, this question can lead to a lot of understanding between how each partner shows up in the relationship. It can also help both of you see the difference between the needs a partner has control over and a need that a partner does not have control over.
Take this need for example: “I just need my work to be less stressful.” As a partner, you have very little control over whether work is more or less stressful, but now you have a look into what struggles they are thinking about on a daily basis, and it can help lead to further connection when you seem them stressed or feel like they are being distant.
An example of a need a partner could say that another partner might have control over is “I just need more support around the home.” This need can be expressed in a variety of ways. It is important to remember that as the partner who is hearing this it is typically coming from the other person being overwhelmed by the demands of life. You do have control over this scenario, but their feelings are informing their need. Use this space as an opportunity to hear more about their feelings, do not try to quickly defend yourself or come up with quick solutions.
Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)
Even with the best intentions, couples often fall into communication traps that create distance. Here are five common mistakes and how to avoid them:
Mistake: Interrupting during conversations. Solution: Wait for your partner to finish, showing respect for their thoughts.
Mistake: Assuming their feelings or thoughts. Solution: Ask questions like “What’s your current location?” to confirm where they’re at emotionally.
Mistake: Avoiding tough topics. Solution: Address issues directly but gently, using curiosity to guide the talk.
Mistake: Trying to “win” disagreements. Solution: Focus on understanding each other, not proving a point.
Mistake: Ignoring nonverbal signals. Solution: Watch for tone or body language to catch unspoken emotions.
By recognizing and addressing these mistakes, you can prevent misunderstandings and keep your communication healthy.
FAQ: Communication Skills for Couples
Here are quick answers to common questions about improving communication in relationships:
How can couples improve their communication? Couples can improve by asking curious questions, listening actively, and setting aside distraction-free time to talk, like during a walk or coffee date.
What are effective communication skills for couples? Effective skills include using “I” statements, asking questions like “What are your needs right now?”, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.
Why does curiosity matter in couple communication? Curiosity helps partners understand each other deeply, fostering connection by encouraging honest, judgment-free conversations.
Ask with curiosity for deeper connection: Communicate better today.
Remember to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind, creating a safe and non-judgmental space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Through these conversations, couples can strengthen their bond and cultivate a deeper level of intimacy. By actively listening to each other’s responses, couples can deepen their understanding and empathy, leading to a stronger and more connected relationship. I believe that each couple is capable of deeper curiosity about their partner, schedule a consultation call with me today if you would like to uncover what deeper connection can look like in couples therapy.
It wasn’t like this before, but now you feel like you are fighting with your partner more than not. At this point you feel like your partner isn’t even listening anymore. You might even feel hopeless in your attempts to connect healthily with your partner. Maybe you have thought “if they just realized what they were doing wrong, we could be so much better” or “if they just got off my back about this one thing, I wouldn’t be ignoring them so much.”
You wish for the space to talk about your feelings together, but every time you face each other you are thrusted into a painful conversation that falls flat or goes nowhere. Partners fighting is a common occurrence for couples, and there are ways that couples can argue productively.
In this blog, we’ll discuss the ways partners end up in a fight, and how you can break the pattern by naming emotions and communicating.
To understand the argument, look inward first
If you and your partner are fighting, it helps to understand what is going on individually first. In a relationship, it can be easy to forget that our partners are also going through feelings of their own. When we pay attention to our own emotions, we will be able to pay attention to our partners emotions too. When we neglect our own feelings, it can be a lot easier to blame our partners and misinterpret their communication with us. An example would be “He just doesn’t care about me” or “She’s always thinking about herself.” When partners fight, they typically get to a point of needing to declare their belief over the other person, and typically stop listening to one another. Throughout the day, a part of you creates a story about the pain you’re experiencing in your partnership. In the restoration therapy model, we call this part our pain cycle. It impacts everything about how we gear up for an argument. Think about how your day has gone so far,
Was there anything that set you off?
Has one person or insult taken you over the edge?
Did your partner say something that pushed your buttons?
Did you feel like you were rigged to blow after someone cut you off on the freeway?
Why our individual feelings impact us when we fight with our partner
All or none of these things could have happened today, but what we know about our brains is that these little moments can trigger feelings we have felt since childhood. These feelings can change how we interact with the world around us, causing us to react in painful ways. Reactions can be difficult to stop because we have developed a pattern of behaving in a certain way to difficult emotions. If you and your partner are fighting, both of you could be talking to each other from these difficult patterns.
Why do partners fight?
The problem grows when we understand that in relationships, two people could react in painful ways simultaneously. In a relationship, two people can have the same conversation but have entirely different feelings and reactions. One partner may react towards their partner by blaming them or shaming themselves, another partner might react by controlling their partner or escaping/withdrawing.
This is why it can feel like one day a conversation with our partner is peaceful and productive and another day it can feel like talking to a different person. One partner may withdraw, which makes the other person feel unloved, and start to blame the other partner, which causes the other partner to feel unheard, and withdraw even further… Does this sound familiar?
What unique fighting cycle are you and your partner in right now?
How controlling affects your pain cycle in a fight
If your partner is controlling you, it can make you feel trapped and helpless. It can also make one feel that they are not worthy to make decisions independently. If you are the controlling partner, it can feel like getting your partner to do something is like pulling teeth. Both the partner being controlled and the partner who feels out of control can feel helpless to their situation.
How withdrawing affects your pain cycle in a fight
When your partner withdraws it can feel like they don’t care about you or what you are going through. It can make the receiver of the withdrawal feel like they are unloved or unworthy of ones attention and time. If you are the person withdrawing it can feel like the only way to get away from any painful feelings. You may want to numb those difficult feelings by scrolling on your phone, and going back to interact again can feel impossible. People who withdraw are capable of withdrawing physically and emotionally.
How to break free from the cycle of fighting with your partner
Conflict is necessary for two people in a relationship, but fighting can cause further harm and disconnect between two partners. It can be so difficult to not feel stuck in the interactional cycles with our partner we have used our entire lives. Hope can be found when we recognize that each partner is worthy to meet their attachment needs. Partners can ultimately find love and trustworthiness when each partner has space to name their emotions in the moment, and then choose to respond rather than react. Your connection to your partner is important to me, and I can help you get to the place where you are naming your feelings and choosing to respond healthily. Reach out for a consultation today.
You’re at the point where you feel ready to improve your relationship. Part of you wonders if it might be helpful for you and your partner to both seek therapy together; the other part of you wonders if it would be more helpful for the both of you to see individual therapy. On one hand, couples can worry that couples therapy will be too difficult, heated, or logistically clunky. On the other hand, couples can worry that if they just see an individual therapist, that their couples issues won’t change.
How are you supposed to know whether individual therapy or couples therapy is best? By the end of this blog, you’ll have everything you need to decide which one is best for your relationship needs.
Why couples therapy sometimes doesn’t work
1. There’s not enough space to process your experience of the relationship
The nature of couples therapy results in two individuals being a part of the same sessions together and splitting that time/space. While this kind of shared space can be important and helpful, it can also result in some individuals feeling as though they are not getting the time they need in therapy in order to process the issues that bring them in for therapy.
2. Finding it difficult to talk about the issues when the relationship is already in a rocky place
If you and your partner have argued about the same issues over and over with no real resolve, it can feel like dangerous territory to talk about those issues again, even in a safe space such as therapy. Maybe you fear that the end result will be the same, with you and your partner on completely different pages. Or maybe you fear that talking about the issue again will be a breaking point in your relationship. Whatever your fear may be, bottom line is that those fears make it difficult to fully engage with the process of couples therapy.
3. Your partner will not come in for couples therapy.
Again, with the nature of couples therapy involving two individuals, if your partner refuses attend sessions, it is not possible for couples work to be carried out. This can be a painful place to be in – where you may be wanting to have an intentional space and time to work through the ongoing issues, whereas your partner is not interested in doing so.
4. Scheduling is challenging.
Finding a time to attend weekly therapy can be challenging even when it’s just your schedule and your therapist’s schedule to consider; adding your partner into that equation can increase that challenge, especially if your partner’s schedule looks very different from your own.
What is individual relationship therapy?
Individual relationship therapy is a space where you can fully process and work through the things that have felt painful and difficult in your romantic relationship, without having to do that in real time with your partner present. You’ll have one on one time with your therapist and won’t need to be mindful of splitting that time with your partner.
What would be the benefit of seeking individual relationship therapy over couples therapy?
1. You can process your own “stuff” in your own private space with relationship therapy.
While it’s definitely important to eventually communicate important things to your partner, maybe you’re not even sure of what you’re wanting to communicate and how to do so. You need the chance to first understand what it is that is happening internally for you, before then trying to talk through those things with your partner. Individual therapy is a great space for this – the time is completely yours and you can process your thoughts and emotions in an unfiltered way, without the presence of anyone aside from your therapist.
2. You can unpack past experiences that may be impacting the issues you’re coming across in your present-day relationship.
Although this might be semi-possible to also do in couples therapy, the nature of couples therapy can make it challenging to truly dive into your past, make sense of what you’ve been through, and identify the ways those experiences impact you today. Couples therapy is typically structured to make space for both you and your partner to process what’s happening present day in your relationship and to work towards some sort of compromise or resolve together, rather than helping one person to process their past and understand how those things are coming up present day. If your desire is to have a space to work through your past in order to better understand the present, individual relationship therapy would be the better option for you than couples therapy.
3. You can think through your current relationship issues in a different way than you’d be able to in couples therapy.
Couples therapy is extremely valuable, but can also be limiting in terms of how deeply you can process the issues that you might be coming across in your relationship. You’re sharing that space with your partner, which is helpful but can also come with other trade-offs. If you need a space to privately process the issues you’re coming across in your relationship prior to eventually communicating those things to your partner, individual relationship therapy would be a great place to start.
4. Finding a time with your therapist is easier with individual relationship therapy.
One very real logistical challenge that comes with couples therapy is the need to consider 3 individuals’ schedules: yours, your partner’s, and the therapist’s. The reality may be that it may be much more feasible to begin individual relationship therapy yourself, rather than to wait for your partner’s schedule to open up and allow for a time for you both to meet with a therapist. If you’re facing scheduling challenges as a couple, individual relationship therapy may be a better place to start.
If you’re needing more individual time to process things on your own, individual relationship therapy may be a good fit for you.
There is value in both individual relationship therapy and couples therapy. Both have their pros and cons when it comes to addressing relationship issues. If you’re wanting a space to begin processing what you’re experiencing in your relationship but don’t feel ready to do that with your partner or don’t feel that your partner is ready to do that in couples therapy with you, individual relationship therapy is a perfect place to start. You can begin unpacking things on your own.
Whether you choose to address what’s happening in your relationship via couples therapy or individual relationship therapy, it’s possible to experience real change in your relationship. You deserve a relationship that is healthy, reciprocal, and fulfilling. Therapy can be the catalyst to create that change.
I can help you foster healthy, lasting relationship skills. Click below to learn more about how to get started.
It’s likely that the relationship issue you’re experiencing right now is one of 3 common dysfunctional patterns most couples deal with. Many clients come in to therapy in order to address the issues they are facing in their relationships. Yet when a client of mine starts talking about the issue they’re having in their relationship, they don’t often know what the real problem is. They may not know when the problem began or just how the problem has gotten worse over time. Yet, it’s likely that one of 3 common dysfunctional relationship patterns is impacting the relationship. In this article, I’m going to describe the 3 main dysfunctional patterns that might be impacting your relationship.
Step 1: Identify the areas of your relationship that have felt difficult and strained.
This is a great starting point to understand which dysfunctional relationship patterns are impacting you. Some common problem areas within relationships include:
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #1: COMMUNICATION
Does it feel as though every time you and your partner enter a conversation, it ends in arguments and misunderstandings? Or maybe the conversation feels one way – your partner doing all the talking but not also taking the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps open and honest conversation has stopped altogether. These are common scenarios that exist within dysfunctional relationships.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #2: TRUST
Do you always feel suspicious or uneasy about your partner’s whereabouts, who they might be with, and what they might be doing? When your partner communicates something to you, does it feel hard to believe their word? Have you gotten to the point where you are anticipating feeling disappointed or hurt by their actions and behaviors? All of these things might point to issues around trust.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #3: FINANCES
Finances can be difficult to manage as just one person, and can be even more difficult when you are partnered. Do you feel as though you are taking on more of the financial burden? Have you had conversations around how to split shared expenses? Have those agreements been honored on both ends? Is money used to brush other problems under the rug? Money is a tricky topic and can lead to issues within intimate relationships.
Step 2: Acknowledge the dysfunctional relationship pattern and the healthier pattern you’d like to move towards.
It’s not uncommon for two people who are coming together to have moments when they miss each other. However, without having conversations about these moments, those misses and misunderstandings can be perpetuated, which is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunctional patterns.
Sit down and spend some intentional alone time to think about the patterns that currently exist in the parts of your relationship that feel difficult and strained. Then dream about how you actually want those parts of your relationship to feel. Do you want to be able to have productive, reciprocal conversations with your partner? Do you want to have equal time and space to express your thoughts and feelings? What are the moments that have led you to not trust your partner? What do you both need in order to work towards rebuilding that trust? Have your financial agreements not been upheld? How can you both hold yourself to the financial boundaries you’ve agreed upon?
Step 3: Take time to create new relationship patterns
Just as these dysfunctional patterns developed over time, it will also take time to develop healthier ones. Being patient but also intentional is what leads to building healthier patterns and habits.
It can also be helpful to have an outside perspective who can support you in identifying the patterns that currently exist and working towards new ones. If you’re finding it hard or overwhelming or depressing to work towards change in your relationship, reach out for help – having an intentional space in therapy to reflect on your relationship and the change you want to work towards is one way to change the pattern you’re currently in with your partner.
Couples therapy is a lot like growing a garden. Isn’t it funny when you plant a garden with daisy seeds and along with daisies, a few daffodils pop up? This kind of surprise happens all the time in couples counseling. You come in with a specific relational issue, and then along the way, other issues arise that impact the big picture. Like producing a flourishing garden, it takes thoughtful steps to ensure productive growth in couples counseling. You may find unexpected blooms in the process!
Step 1: Building honesty in couples therapy
A relationship is like a garden, and it needs to have the right conditions in place so that both partners can thrive. Just as you would measure out a garden bed that maximizes exposure to sunlight and water, in couples counseling you must set the stage for safety and honest communication. It’s important to talk about the conditions that foster productive communication and the conditions that trigger conflict. In this stage, we work on setting the parameters for healthy discussion and we build a functional system where couples work is fruitful.
Step 2: Use what’s working in your relationship
When you grow a garden, you choose to plant seeds that will flourish in the setting you have created. Similarly, when you work in couples counseling you draw on what is working in the relationship to help you through the tougher moments. The strengths of each partner are highlighted and utilized to ground the relationship in respect and compassion.
Step 3: Couples therapy is a success when you build your understanding and empathy, not “bashing”
In couples counseling, we talk about our partners to understand ourselves. It is not the place where we just complain about each other. In couples therapy, we talk about how we struggle with aspects of ourselves that bump up against qualities of our partner. We shine light on our own pain points while we nourish our partner’s hurt as well. In the garden of partnership, we become the sun and rain that help the seeds of discomfort grow into beautiful buds.
Consider the seasons in couples therapy
As the garden changes when spring turns to summer, so does the partnership as each partner grows over a lifetime. Couples therapy is always there for partners to return to the landscape of their relationship. You can re-enrich the soil of your love or weed out the things that no longer serve or support growth. It’s never to late to implement new nurturing techniques to bring vitality and joy to togetherness.
If you would like to find out more about working in couples therapy with me, please reach out.
Does serotonin make you happy? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, how hard you try, you can’t seem to get “out” of sadness. You can’t cheer yourself up, and you feel guilty about it. In this moment, we use a belief – a story – about what we should do to feel better. The false story is that serotonin, the “happiness hormone”, is to blame, and we need to find ways to increase it.
Serotonin is often referred to as the “happy chemical.” The idea is everywhere: from wellness blogs to pharmaceutical ads. But this simplified narrative leaves out something crucial. Happiness, healing, and emotional well-being are far more complex than a single brain chemical.
But here’s the catch: Serotonin does not create “happiness”, despite what you and I are told.
We’ve been sold a “mechanistic view” of serotonin. In this view, serotonin is like a lever we can pull to increase happiness. This incorrect view has led to ironically unhappy outcomes. In this blog, we’re going to look at the neurotransmitter serotonin. We’ll pull apart the assumptions that have kept us from understanding our own needs and propose a more holistic view that will help you achieve lasting happiness.
What is serotonin?
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps transmit signals between neurons in the brain. It plays a crucial role in regulating mood, appetite, sleep, and social behavior. It also triggers increased neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to adapt and learn). While serotonin is often called the “happiness hormone,” it doesn’t simply cause us to feel happy. While it’s present when we experience happiness, we have to be careful about assuming causation.
This begs a few questions about serotonin:
What is happiness?
Does serotonin make you happy?
How does serotonin work?
If I want to be happy, do I increase serotonin?
Serotonin’s is not a drug that “makes you happy“
As we begin, let’s start by reorienting our view of neurochemicals. Within a Western worldview, we tend to think dualistically about our brains. This means we tend to view our brain as something separate from our “selves”. Further, it’s a way of experiencing the self as a soul-like, unaffected entity that only interacts with our body. A Western worldview sees the brain as a mechanism that causes certain feelings and behaviors in the self.
Someone with a dualistic view of the mind might say, “because my brain was in fight or flight mode, I didn’t feel like myself.” Or again, “my serotonin made me feel happy”. In both cases, we assume two separate entities: the brain and the self. More-so, we assume a causal relationship between the brain’s activity and the self. As such, the cortisol (first example) and the serotonin (second example) “cause me” to feel a certain way. These dualistic assumptions lead to problematic understandings about our happiness. Let’s explore why.
Don’t confuse the cart with the horse, neurologically
Imagine sitting with friends and feeling a bit bored. In an effort to get into a different mood, you exclaim: “Let’s start having fun.” Unless delivered tongue-in-cheek, such a comment is almost certain to result in comically ironic discomfort. Sensing the discomfort, you insist: “Come on, really: Let’s have fun now.” Why doesn’t this work? While these friends are more than capable of having fun, fun is a byproduct, not a cause. Trying to directly infuse “fun” into the interaction misses the point.
In the same way, it’s a mistake to focus directly on increasing happiness through serotonin.
What Serotonin Really Does
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps nerve cells communicate. While it’s most commonly associated with mood, serotonin affects many parts of the body. In fact, most of the body’s serotonin lives not in the brain but in the digestive system.
In the brain, serotonin plays a role in helping people feel emotionally balanced, focused, and calm. It supports emotional regulation, which can allow a person to better cope with stress. But it doesn’t cause happiness. Instead, serotonin is part of a much larger network that helps the body and mind maintain balance.
It also plays critical roles in sleep, digestion, appetite, and even wound healing. When serotonin levels are disrupted—too low or too high—it can contribute to a wide range of symptoms, from irritability and fatigue to gastrointestinal discomfort or even serious medical complications.
What Causes Low Serotonin Levels?
There’s no single cause. Sometimes, the body doesn’t produce enough serotonin. Other times, the brain may not use it effectively. Stress, trauma, sleep disruption, poor nutrition, and chronic health conditions can all affect serotonin function. But these biological factors often exist alongside emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and past experiences that shape a person’s inner world.
The mechanical view of serotonin keeping you unhappy
A quick Google search for “serotonin and happiness” yields a number of articles that celebrate the mechanistic view of serotonin. Here are a few title and subtitle snippets you can find when searching for serotonin:
“Happy Hormones: What They Are and How to Boost Them”
“Serotonin is often described as the body’s natural feel-good chemical” “To boost the serotonin levels in your brain you should…”
“The Chemistry of Happiness: Unlock the Power of DOSE to be a happier you!” “You can also get tiny shots of serotonin by earning likes for your random social media posts. Yet that high is so short-lived that it is hardly worth it!”
In each of these examples, serotonin is treated like a drug we can mechanically increase to “make us” feel good. To be clear: this is not correct.
However, it makes sense that we’re excited by this idea. Our minds can be chaotic, frustrating, and clunky. If we could only “hack” the code we could unlock what we’ve so desperately wanted from our minds: to be content, happy, full of virtue and productivity.
We’re distrustful of biohacking happiness, at least on the silver screen
As much as we’re excited by the idea of “biohacking” our serotonin, we’re equally terrified. Movies such as The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Matrix, and The Truman Show express both the longing to artificially create happiness, and the dystopian outcomes of these efforts. These stories showcase a godlike effort to “hack” the characters’ experience of the world and effectively pacify a darker reality. Truman is given a safely controlled, domed environment partitioned away from a deceitful world. Neo is shielded from the horrors of a post-apocalyptic planet, and Clementine willfully erases painful memories to help her feel happy again. In each film, the biohack intended to produce happiness backfires. It becomes a “prison for your mind” typifying hell. In each story, the characters reject the biohack in favor of something more “true”.
The lesson? When we reverse engineer happiness, we’re not happy.
In the sections below we’ll re-understand serotonin so you can have a realistic and attainable goal for your own well-being that does not fall into the dualistic, mechanistic trap of chasing a happiness hormone.
The Myth of the “Happy Chemical”
The belief that serotonin creates happiness likely grew from the success of antidepressants, particularly SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These medications increase serotonin availability in the brain and can help some individuals manage symptoms of depression and anxiety.
However, this doesn’t mean serotonin is the single cause of these conditions or that boosting serotonin guarantees emotional well-being. Emotional healing isn’t just a matter of chemistry. It involves relationships, history, nervous system patterns, identity, and lived experience.
Relying solely on the “chemical imbalance” explanation can unintentionally reduce a person’s emotional pain to something mechanical or broken. It may also lead to disappointment when medication alone doesn’t provide lasting change.
Serotonin is not just about feeling happy. Research supports this idea.
A study by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2013 found that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” drives our urge for social connections, and that this in turn triggers the release of serotonin. This chain reaction results in a happy feeling, as serotonin activates the reward circuitry in the nucleus accumbens. A study by the University of Cambridge in 2015 found that low levels of serotonin are associated with lower self-esteem and reduced social status. This suggests that serotonin not only helps us feel connected to others but also influences how we perceive ourselves within our social networks.
Further, the research on the connection between serotonin and social belonging supports what we know about human brain evolution. The Dunbar number is the correlation between the size of a primate’s cortex (the large, energy intensive outer part of the brain) and the size of its tribe. This correlation suggests that the purpose of the cortex isn’t simply to make us “smart”, but to help us attach to a tribe.
Serotonin is a meter of our connection to others
If the need to attach to a tribe is inherent to our survival, would we expect a bodily signal – a sort of meter – that helps us sense and respond to our level of security in the tribe? The body’s answer is a neurotransmitter that responds to our level of connection with others. It’s interesting that the release of serotonin isn’t just connected to the reward centers of our brains, but also opens our brain to learning new behaviors and skills (neuroplasticity). It’s no wonder that when we sense we’re “in” a tribe we also become more moldable to its customs and skills.
Serotonin makes us feel rewarded to be included with others, and it stimulates our brains as if to say, “learn how to be useful to this group.”
This dramatically changes our approach to serotonin and happiness. Happiness itself is not just an internal “feeling”. It’s your awareness that you belong. Much like the feeling you get when you’re at a good family gathering. It’s the feeling of a campfire at the end of a hike, a running team that runs and supports each other every week, a hug with a long childhood friend, the singing of a national anthem at a sporting event, or a group prayer in a place of worship. The feeling is that of being at home.
SSRI’s aren’t all bad…
Increasing serotonin through direct means (such as SSRIs, sun exposure, etc.) still have an important roll. For some people with depression, it’s difficult to accomplish daily tasks. Much like pouring starter fluid in an engine, these methods can dramatically help a person increase their energy. The purpose of this “kick-start”, however, is to help the person build connections and belonging. The stimulation of serotonin receptors can start a positive feedback loop to generate real change.
Reading your serotonin meter
Your body’s serotonin levels swing day to day. 50% of the difference between people’s serotonin levels is a biological set-point. Of the remaining half, we experience a mix between the external world conditions, and our internal way of processing these conditions. For example, if I receive a compliment, that’s an external condition. It may contribute to an increased sense of belonging and self-esteem, thus raising my serotonin levels. But I also make sense of this external condition based on past similar experiences. If I have routinely experienced relationships as flighty or inconsistent, I may immediately reject the compliment. This augments my ability to receive the serotonin experience. In this way, our serotonin levels do not simply reflect our current external conditions. They reflect a combination of our biology, our history of experience, and our current external conditions.
What does high serotonin feel like?
High serotonin is the feeling of self-security. It’s the feeling we described above: home, connected, belonging, part of a team. It carries with it a feeling of “identity” or being grounded in my own body. It couples with the feeling of learning and curiosity. When you feel this way, your body tells you you’re safe and you’re engaged in an activity/behavior/social group that is healthy for you.
What does low serotonin feel like?
In mild cases, low serotonin feels like being bored or understimulated. In Los Angeles (where I’m writing from today), our Western individualist cultural influences tend to carry a mild but constant sense of disconnection from one another. We likely have become used to a relative dearth of connecting experiences. In such a societal structure, such experiences deprive our brains of serotonin.
On first glance, the results are what you’d expect: higher rates than the global average for depression and anxiety. But we also find some milder but common experiences that we come to see as normal. Existential dread, meaninglessness, isolation, and high levels of alcohol and caffeine consumption point to our difficulty coping with adequate social connection.
Low serotonin feels a bit empty. Think of the feeling of “FOMO”, or the experience of waiting for a friend that’s taking too long to show up. It feels uncomfortable. These uncomfortable feelings are your serotonin levels dropping in response to less social connection. Similar to our bodies producing the experience of hunger when we have a need for food, our bodies produce the feeling of loneliness when we’re feeling outside of the circle of our social connections.
How to respond to low serotonin levels
If we focus not on increasing serotonin directly, but listening to our level of serotonin as a social connection meter, we can find new solutions. As we mentioned before, there are two ways we can respond to increase our connections (and therefore serotonin levels): The first is to change our external conditions, the second is to create new ways of making meaning out of those experiences.
Change your external conditions
Let’s start with changing our external conditions. This is usually where we want to start to create a change.
Coffee Shop Habit. Create normal, small, daily interactions with others you know. One way to do this is to show up at a coffee shop at the same time a few days per week. See if you spot familiar faces. Simply learning a person’s name can help you feel socially connected. Accordingly, other spaces might be a gym or grocery store. Be consistent, patient, and open (maybe no headphones).
Call a Parent/Grandparent. Checking in with an attachment figure can help you feel connected again. For example, call someone just to say hi. If you have a trusting relationship with a parent or grandparent, a short call can remind you that you belong.
Call instead of text. Hearing a person’s voice and tone can help you feel connected. This normal, everyday, constant way of being connected is quite low in our digital age.
Go somewhere social for work. As much as traffic can be inconvenient, studies have shown the social and mental health benefits of being in a social setting for work. For example, if an in-person office is inaccessible, consider setting up shop at a local coffee shop (checking off tip #1 and $4 in one swoop!)
Schedule regular interactions with friends. Having a scheduled time can help you mind positively anticipate a meeting, thus giving benefits to your social mind before and after the gathering. Some people join a book club, or a CrossFit gym, or a religious study group. Focus on small gatherings, between 3-8 people, and it can be helpful to have an intention besides simply catching up. Play a board game, read a book together, or go on a run.
Is It Possible to Boost Serotonin Naturally?
Yes, but again, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Activities like getting sunlight, exercising, eating tryptophan-rich foods, and reducing stress can all support serotonin levels. Therapy itself may play a role as well, through emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and improved sleep and self-care.
These practices are not replacements for medication when it’s needed, but they are powerful supports for overall well-being. The most effective approach often blends biological, psychological, and relational care.
Serotonin, Trauma, and the Nervous System
People with trauma often experience dysregulation in their nervous system, feeling chronically unsafe, hypervigilant, or emotionally numb. This state can affect the brain’s ability to use or produce serotonin effectively.
Trauma-informed therapy focuses not just on mood symptoms, but on rebuilding a sense of safety in the body and mind. Healing trauma may, over time, support the brain’s natural chemistry — but more importantly, it restores the capacity to feel, connect, and live fully.
How Therapy Helps Beyond Chemistry
While serotonin affects emotional regulation, therapy provides the structure to address what chemicals alone cannot: the underlying causes of emotional pain.
Therapy helps:
Make sense of past experiences
Recognize patterns of thinking and behavior
Strengthen self-compassion and emotional resilience
Create new, healthier ways of relating to others
Calm the nervous system through relational safety
These are all things serotonin alone cannot do. When combined with lifestyle changes or medication when appropriate, therapy offers a complete path toward healing and integration.
Healing Is Relational
Serotonin plays a role in mood, but healing from depression, anxiety, or trauma doesn’t come from one molecule. It comes from connection. From telling the truth in a space where it’s safe to do so. From working with someone who knows how to listen beneath the surface.
Therapy is more than symptom relief. It’s a process of integration. Of coming back to yourself. Of understanding what shaped you and beginning to rewire patterns that no longer serve you.
There’s room for medication in this journey. But there’s also room for something deeper: healing through relationship, presence, and insight.
Changing our internal condition
Much more important than the external conditions is our history of experience with the world. Long ago, these experiences dug the channels through which our current experiences flow. While changing our external conditions is important, real change happens when we can see the network of “channels” we hold, and form new pathways. If we do not do this, our external experiences may never yield internal relief.
This process of creating new pathways happens naturally as we experience empathy and awareness. Simply by talking about our internal process, noticing it, understanding how we came to feel these ways, our minds begin to form new pathways that help us take in our current experience. It’s a bit like having a nightmare, where talking about it helps you to see it for the dream it is, separate from your current reality.
That’s what we do. We have therapists who can help you build new serotonin pathways so you can create change in your life.
Serotonin is much more than just a “happiness hormone.” It plays a crucial role in our social connections, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being. By understanding its complex relationship with our social lives, genetic factors, and our internal and external conditions, we can take proactive steps to build strong and wide social connections to naturally boost our serotonin levels. So go ahead and start building those connections – your serotonin levels will thank you.
As you see the sun increasingly less during this time of year, you might also find yourself feeling sad and wondering why things are feeling more and more difficult. You notice that it’s harder to keep up your motivation. You’re feeling disconnected from your friends and family. There are days you feel significantly weighed down by your sadness. All you want to do is lay down, take a nap, and not have other responsibilities to attend to. You might wonder if you have seasonal depression: depression triggered by the loss of daylight during winter.
To make matters even more difficult, you feel like you should be happy. Everyone around you seems to be in a celebratory, holiday mood. But for you, thinking of the holidays brings up dread, sadness, and loneliness. You’re not quite sure why, but you know this is not your favorite time of year.
Seasonal depression and the shorter day
The winter change in sunlight exposure tends to signal sad feelings. You’re used to seeing the sun when you’re up in the morning and at the end of the day as you wind down for the night. When the light signal travels down our optic nerve, from our retinas to the occipital lobe (visual field processing), it passes the hypothalamus. Our hypothalamus is responsible for the regulation of many bodily functions, and is closely tied to our limbic system (emotional processing). The more light signal that flows past the hypothalamus, the more it stimulates our mood. With less light, our motivation and mood tends to be lower during this time of year.
Seasonal depression has to do with your memory
Emotional priming and conditioning can be another relevant factor in your mood changes. As the weather slowly gets colder and the amount of sunlight you see during the day begins to decrease, your brain knows that winter is approaching. You’ve been primed to know that these kinds of changes mark the beginning of the Fall and holiday season, which then brings up procedural memories – you begin to feel just like you felt at other winters. In fact, our minds are biased: our brains are better at remembering negative or painful events than positive events. This is where conditioning comes in; you’ve begun to grow conditioned to feel a certain way as you notice the changes happening at the start of the season. You begin to slow down and feel sensitive in ways that typically don’t happen during other times of the year.
As you notice these external and internal changes happening, instead of sinking deeper into your sadness and succumbing to your feelings, it’s important to be intentional in taking care of yourself. Although doing so may not completely irradicate how you’re feeling, it may at least help mitigate those feelings and decrease the intensity of them.
Things You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself During This Time.
1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling.
Instead of trying to push your feelings away and attempt to ignore them creeping up on you, acknowledge them. You can do this by simply journaling down your thoughts and feelings at some point during the day – whether that be in the morning before you start your day or at night as you get ready for bed. It can feel scary to admit difficult feelings you’re experiencing, but it can also bring so much relief. It’s okay to feel the way you do; you don’t have to work so hard to deny those feelings.
2. Connect With a Friend.
It’s so easy to hole up in your room or home and not prioritize your social needs when you’re feeling down. Everyone seems to be particularly busy around the holidays and you don’t want to feel like a burden to your friends. But by not making time for your friendships, you end up exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Instead of contributing to those feelings, reach out to a friend and get a meal together. Go on a walk together. Grab a drink together. Plan a time to meet virtually for long distance friendships. Do something that will help you feel connected with the people you care about, rather than feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it helps to have dates on the calendar when you know you’ll have a welcomed meeting with a friend.
3. Set Boundaries.
Setting boundaries can feel like a scary or daunting task but it doesn’t have to be. During a time when you’re feeling more sensitive, it’s so valuable to know and respect your own boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Say yes to the social and holiday gatherings you feel good about; say no to the ones that you dread. For events that aren’t possible to excuse yourself from, set time limits for how long you’re willing to be present for. It’s okay to scoot out after you’ve reached your limit. There’s endless possibilities to things that you can set boundaries for – make it personal to you. It may be difficult initially to hold yourself to your boundaries but doing so is a way to be kind to yourself during a time that feels tough.
Your Feelings Are Valid.
During this time of year that’s meant to be “Holly Jolly,” know that you aren’t the only one who may be feeling the exact opposite of Holly Jolly. Bottom line is that it is okay for you to feel this way; it is okay that you tend to struggle with seasonal depression at this point each year. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you ride out the waves of this season.
If you find yourself wanting to explore and process your feelings further, reach out to a professional for help. That’s another way you can take care of yourself during this time that brings up a range of conflicting emotions.
It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season. This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities. Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays. It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities. But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.
These three simple steps can help you tonavigate holiday disappointment.
Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy. This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration. Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.
Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs
Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events. Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws? Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship? Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most. Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment. Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight. This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen. Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis. By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.
Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.
We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays. But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress. When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold. We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss. Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.
But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.
Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful. Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling right now?
What has gone well today that I feel proud of?
What moments were not as I had hoped?
These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed. This keeps you in a place of control and regulation. It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed. Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration. Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.
Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance.
The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks. Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed. Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self. Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance. Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment. Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.
The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement. Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments. Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.
While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.
Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful. Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.
There’s always that one friendship that feels more tough than easy. You find yourself often frustrated with that person and misunderstood. Maybe you feel like you put way more into the friendship than the other person does. At its worst, you feel used or manipulated. You wonder if the friendship might qualify as a toxic one.
Perhaps this person even reminds you of a previous difficult friendship. Here’s what a toxic friendship might feel like.
You find yourself wondering why there are so many eerie similarities between your current friend and that previous friend
You start to play the self-blame game and wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the one that’s difficult to be friends with
You feel that you consistently give more to the relationship than you receive
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid of a conflict or abandonment
But friendships always involve two people. There’s a dynamic that just one person cannot be 100% responsible for.
These red flags aren’t simply a signal that you ought to leave, though sometimes that’s needed. They’re opportunities to reflect on similar patterns that have happened throughout your life.
We are drawn to friendships that feel familiar.
This can be both a good and bad thing. When we’re drawn to healthy, reciprocal, safe friendships, it’s a no-brainer that we’d continue to surround ourselves with those types of people. However, sometimes we can also find ourselves drawn towards individuals who don’t feel that way; we find ourselves surrounded by individuals who feel chaotic, distant, and even toxic.
It might not be so obvious at first – you find yourself making excuses for the other person, or being overly accommodating. You attend to their needs at the expense of your own. Slowly over time. your feelings don’t feel valid. You’re constantly apologizing or walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t be yourself. You start blaming yourself for the problems in the friendship and try to adjust in order to make the friendship work. You find yourself often feeling anxious or sad when you think about or have to be around this friend.
The hardest part is that this is not the first friendship that has felt this way. So you feel frustrated that it feels like history is repeating itself again. You wonder why you find yourself in this position again. You begin to believe that you might actually be the problem or maybe that it’s not possible for you to have good friendships.
Here’s Where Red Flags and Green Flags Come In.
Green Flags
All of us have learned certain relational patterns throughout the course of our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to have had mostly safe, reciprocal relationships from early on, then we know what those feel like and are naturally drawn to those kinds of individuals. We know the green flags to look out for and the red flags to avoid; green flag friendships are the ones we end up keeping around, while red flags ones are the ones we end up putting distance between.
Red Flags
However, for those that grew up with chaotic, dysfunctional, distant, or unsafe relationships, your sense of green and red flags has been thrown off. You’ve learned how to operate and survive with red flag individuals. You’ve learned to stay silent or to be overly accommodating. You’ve learned to avoid addressing your needs and feelings. You’ve learned all the “right” things to do and “wrong” things to avoid to keep this relationship around.
You don’t like feeling this way but this is the type of relationship that feels most familiar to you and, unconsciously, you find yourself drawn to those that result in you continuing to repeat this relational pattern.
Why it may be helpful to pause, acknowledge, and process your relational patterns
1. You don’t like how you feel.
Maybe you find yourself feeling noticeably anxious or sad around this friend. Maybe your self-esteem has been negatively impacted throughout the course of the friendship. Whatever feeling it may be, you know it’s not how you normally feel or how you feel when you’re with safe, reciprocal friends.
2. You can begin to identify your own relational needs and desires.
What are the green flags that make you want to continue to invest time and energy into a friendship? What are the red flags that might warrant pausing and assessing how to move forward in the friendship? Safe friendships don’t consistently feel one-way or one-sided; there should be a mutual give and take. Is it possible to have conversations about your wants and needs in the friendship? If not, maybe that’s an indication of the kind of friend that the other person is or is not able to be.
3. You can recognize green flags and red flags more quickly in future friendships.
This is key in the process of changing unhealthy relational patterns and learning new ones; you don’t know what needs adjusting until you can identify the things that are not working. By acknowledging your own unhealthy relational patterns, you open up the possibility of learning to engage differently with those around you, which then allows you to form relationships with the type of people you want to surround yourself with.
Moving Away From Toxic Friendships Towards Safe, Green Flag Friendships
Acknowledging and changing old relational patterns is hard work. It requires time, effort, and patience but the benefits of investing in yourself in this way are significant.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same types of friendships that leave you feeling confused, misunderstood, and alone. If relationships are an area of your life that you want to improve, reach out and work with a professional to do so. You don’t have to do it alone.
Having the skills to stay engaged when relationship conflict arises can feel impossible. Sometimes, you wish you could push the eject button as soon as another argument begins. You find yourself remaining silent, or saying whatever you feel will “ease the tension,” even just for a moment. You feel desperate to quickly resolve the tension in whatever way you can.
Fight or Flight: To Enter Relationship Conflict or Flee
This cycle can ease the tension for a brief moment. You may feel a brief wave of relief. You were able to keep things from getting out of hand. However, that underlying unease you feel may remain.This may be a sense of internal guilt: a form of self-blame for feeling unable to express your needs. You may feel stuck inside your own head, knowing all the things you wish you could have said but somehow couldn’t find the words in the heat of conflict. This can lead to even greater frustration and a continued feeling of disconnection with your partner.
In moments of stress, you may experience a natural flight response pattern: a desire to withdraw and avoid.
When experiencing the stress of relationship conflict, our bodies are programmed to respond in one of two ways, which correlate with our need for survival: pursue or withdraw. These are natural tendencies when we feel we need to protect ourselves. Some try to overcome this stress by engaging with their partner in relationship conflict. Others engage in the pattern of withdrawal. The latter can lead to feeling trapped in the stress, which often produces a strong desire to avoid the source of conflict.
Relationship conflict can cause these patterns of stress response to arise because our brains register conflict as a threat to our social well-being. Many individuals have a tendency to desire to “escape” conflict because they struggle to process their thoughts when under emotional stress. This desire fuels acts of abandonment: pushing the source of conflict (often our partner) away to alleviate the stress.
Is Avoiding Conflict Always Bad?
In short, no. This escape pattern is not always bad. However, at times it can prevent us from expressing our own wants and needs. This can lead to a destructive cycle of guilt and frustration or, alternatively, anger and hopelessness. It doesn’t have to be this way.
You can learn a new way to manage conflict in your relationship, which will lead to greater connection.
How To Better Manage Relationship Conflict
Consider the following three steps to break the cycle of fight or flight and better manage your next relationship conflict.
1. Learn to notice your stress response
The first step is to gain awareness. Specifically, aim to notice the ways you typically respond to conflict in your relationship. Do you tend to fight, flight, or freeze? Understanding your typical conflict stress response can be an invaluable tool to navigate conflict more effectively.
Your stress response is likely a learned response that has helped you navigate difficult situations in the past. However, is it serving you in your current relationship?
It is common for one partner to have a stress response of fighting and the other partner to have a stress response of avoidance. Understanding both your and your partner’s response to conflict can help you to learn to recognize when you are experiencing tension in your relationship and to remain engaged, rather than exacerbate or avoid the conflict.
2. Explore a phrase that can help to communicate your need to take a break
The value of a phrase that both partners agree will pause an argument cannot be overstated.
When one partner uses this phrase, it provides both individuals with the time and space to process what the conflict and identify their emotions.
When they return, they will both be more capable to communicate their feelings and needs, without being overwhelmed by emotion in the moment.
Remember, collaborate with your partner to select this phrase prior to arguing: in a conflict-free moment.
Phrases such as, “I think I need a time out” or “Let’s take some space” can be easy phrases to help you and your partner pause and take a break.
3. Name a time and place to return to the conversation
This step is essential. The key step to taking a pause from a relationship conflict is to first mutually agree upon a time and place to return.
That way, both parties can rest assured that their partner is dedicated to resolving the issue. Neither has to worry that their partner is avoiding the conflict.
Instead, both individuals can take time to emotionally self-regulate. Then, when they return to the argument, work toward a solution with more clarity and security.
Thus, when asking for a pause, be as specific as possible in terms of the when and how of coming back together. You might try: ”let’s talk tonight right after dinner.” You may prefer: “How about we come back to this in 20 minutes after a mental break to process how we feel.” Both are excellent to give a specific timeframe to the pause.
It is important to allow space for your partner to agree with the suggested time frame. Foster opportunity for them to offer an alternate suggestion and be open to compromising if needed.
The Benefits of Taking a Pause
Take a time out to slow down, refresh, and discern what you need in a moment of conflict.
Using these steps can create an important foundation to navigate stressful moments and conversations in your relationship. You can begin to express your true feelings while also considering your partner’s emotions and needs.
It can feel challenging to learn a new way of showing up when you notice tension rising in your relationship. It takes practice to pause in order to minimize feelings of tension with your partner. Over time, however, this practice will foster a new pattern. A pattern that minimizes unwanted conflict and tension, instead helping you move toward connection and resolution.
Therapy for Relationship Conflict
Pursuing therapy can be a key step to help you learn how to more effectively manage relationship conflict. In collaboration with your therapist, you can create a plan for how and when to pause an argument. The mental processing you make space for during this “time out,” in which you step away from the argument, will allow you to learn how to share your true feelings when you return to your partner.
Remember, you deserve this brief pause. It can help you find a sense of calm in order to think clearly about what you need from your partner. Over time, you will begin to learn how to think with greater clarity and therefore say the things that you know are important to you. This can help you increase your self-confidence and move toward the authentic connection that you have been seeking.
Kristi Wollbrink
I help couples learn a new way to move through conflict and difficulties in order to find a sense of security and connection with each other. If you find that you are feeling stuck in patterns of stress in your relationship, I would love to help you find a way to move toward deeper connection.
