It’s likely that the relationship issue you’re experiencing right now is one of 3 common dysfunctional patterns most couples deal with. Many clients come in to therapy in order to address the issues they are facing in their relationships. Yet when a client of mine starts talking about the issue they’re having in their relationship, they don’t often know what the real problem is. They may not know when the problem began or just how the problem has gotten worse over time. Yet, it’s likely that one of 3 common dysfunctional relationship patterns is impacting the relationship. In this article, I’m going to describe the 3 main dysfunctional patterns that might be impacting your relationship.
Step 1: Identify the areas of your relationship that have felt difficult and strained.
This is a great starting point to understand which dysfunctional relationship patterns are impacting you. Some common problem areas within relationships include:
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #1: COMMUNICATION
Does it feel as though every time you and your partner enter a conversation, it ends in arguments and misunderstandings? Or maybe the conversation feels one way – your partner doing all the talking but not also taking the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps open and honest conversation has stopped altogether. These are common scenarios that exist within dysfunctional relationships.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #2: TRUST
Do you always feel suspicious or uneasy about your partner’s whereabouts, who they might be with, and what they might be doing? When your partner communicates something to you, does it feel hard to believe their word? Have you gotten to the point where you are anticipating feeling disappointed or hurt by their actions and behaviors? All of these things might point to issues around trust.
Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #3: FINANCES
Finances can be difficult to manage as just one person, and can be even more difficult when you are partnered. Do you feel as though you are taking on more of the financial burden? Have you had conversations around how to split shared expenses? Have those agreements been honored on both ends? Is money used to brush other problems under the rug? Money is a tricky topic and can lead to issues within intimate relationships.
Step 2: Acknowledge the dysfunctional relationship pattern and the healthier pattern you’d like to move towards.
It’s not uncommon for two people who are coming together to have moments when they miss each other. However, without having conversations about these moments, those misses and misunderstandings can be perpetuated, which is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunctional patterns.
Sit down and spend some intentional alone time to think about the patterns that currently exist in the parts of your relationship that feel difficult and strained. Then dream about how you actually want those parts of your relationship to feel. Do you want to be able to have productive, reciprocal conversations with your partner? Do you want to have equal time and space to express your thoughts and feelings? What are the moments that have led you to not trust your partner? What do you both need in order to work towards rebuilding that trust? Have your financial agreements not been upheld? How can you both hold yourself to the financial boundaries you’ve agreed upon?
Step 3: Take time to create new relationship patterns
Just as these dysfunctional patterns developed over time, it will also take time to develop healthier ones. Being patient but also intentional is what leads to building healthier patterns and habits.
It can also be helpful to have an outside perspective who can support you in identifying the patterns that currently exist and working towards new ones. If you’re finding it hard or overwhelming or depressing to work towards change in your relationship, reach out for help – having an intentional space in therapy to reflect on your relationship and the change you want to work towards is one way to change the pattern you’re currently in with your partner.
Couples therapy is a lot like growing a garden. Isn’t it funny when you plant a garden with daisy seeds and along with daisies, a few daffodils pop up? This kind of surprise happens all the time in couples counseling. You come in with a specific relational issue, and then along the way, other issues arise that impact the big picture. Like producing a flourishing garden, it takes thoughtful steps to ensure productive growth in couples counseling. You may find unexpected blooms in the process!
Step 1: Building honesty in couples therapy
A relationship is like a garden, and it needs to have the right conditions in place so that both partners can thrive. Just as you would measure out a garden bed that maximizes exposure to sunlight and water, in couples counseling you must set the stage for safety and honest communication. It’s important to talk about the conditions that foster productive communication and the conditions that trigger conflict. In this stage, we work on setting the parameters for healthy discussion and we build a functional system where couples work is fruitful.
Step 2: Use what’s working in your relationship
When you grow a garden, you choose to plant seeds that will flourish in the setting you have created. Similarly, when you work in couples counseling you draw on what is working in the relationship to help you through the tougher moments. The strengths of each partner are highlighted and utilized to ground the relationship in respect and compassion.
Step 3: Couples therapy is a success when you build your understanding and empathy, not “bashing”
In couples counseling, we talk about our partners to understand ourselves. It is not the place where we just complain about each other. In couples therapy, we talk about how we struggle with aspects of ourselves that bump up against qualities of our partner. We shine light on our own pain points while we nourish our partner’s hurt as well. In the garden of partnership, we become the sun and rain that help the seeds of discomfort grow into beautiful buds.
Consider the seasons in couples therapy
As the garden changes when spring turns to summer, so does the partnership as each partner grows over a lifetime. Couples therapy is always there for partners to return to the landscape of their relationship. You can re-enrich the soil of your love or weed out the things that no longer serve or support growth. It’s never to late to implement new nurturing techniques to bring vitality and joy to togetherness.
If you would like to find out more about working in couples therapy with me, please reach out.
Avoiding feelings is something we often do under stress. For example, when life feels overwhelming, your instinct is to avoid the problems or “check out” from stressful situations. By avoiding difficult emotions, you think you’re sparing yourself from the pain. This is a common belief, and you’re not alone in thinking this way. Avoidance is a protective mechanism that makes sense when you’re just trying to get through the day without being so weighed down. Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes the easiest thing to do is to distance yourself. However, while avoidance can provide immediate relief, it’s not a long-term solution.
Avoiding Feelings Seems Helpful, but…
It’s helpful to recognize the ways you might be avoiding your own emotions. You might end everyday immersing yourself in movies or TV shows, using these as escapes to temporarily forget your worries. You might find comfort in food, using it as a way to cope with your stress. Social media scrolling is another common avoidance tactic, offering a continuous stream of distractions. Some people might bury themselves in work or overcommit to responsibilities as a way to avoid dealing with personal issues. Even seemingly positive activities like exercising excessively or engaging in constant social activities can be forms of avoidance when they are used to escape rather than address emotional distress.
While these activities might offer a quick distraction, as stated in Emotional Efficacy Therapy, they can lead to additional issues and prevent you from addressing the underlying causes of your stress. Recognizing these patterns is crucial in developing healthier ways to manage your emotions and cope with life’s challenges.
Common Costs of Avoiding Feelings:
Disconnected, detached, or numb
Difficulty engaging with or maintaining your relationships
Loneliness and isolation
Feeling easily overwhelmed and dysregulated
Lacking motivation and procrastinating
Withdrawing from social situations
Difficult navigating conflict
Unable to experience intimacy with others
Physical tension or restlessness
Avoiding Feelings is Actually a Barrier to Your Healing
Avoidance might offer temporary relief, but it ultimately prevents true healing and growth. Here’s why:
1. Avoidance Prevents Long-Term Well-Being
When you avoid dealing with your emotions and challenges, you might feel better momentarily, but you know deep down that this relief is fleeting. The underlying issues remain unresolved and can resurface later, often with greater intensity. Imagine trying to ignore a leaking roof by placing a bucket to catch the drips. The immediate problem is managed, but the root cause is still there, and eventually, the roof will slowly but steadily become weaker and need additional support and possibly some repairs.
2. Avoiding Feelings Misses Opportunities for Growth
Your instinct to run away from your difficult experiences leads to missed opportunity to confront and process your feelings. Every feeling, no matter how painful, is an opportunity to grow and engage in a journey of self-discovery. Of course, this can also feel overwhelming and stressful, but it’s through this process that you can learn more about yourself, your triggers, and your needs as a person. Therefore, this self-awareness is crucial for long-term emotional health.
3. Avoiding Feelings Builds Emotional Resilience
Avoidance can prevent you from building emotional resilience. When you face and work through your difficulties, you develop coping skills that increase your capacity to cope with your present and future challenges. It’s similar to building strength through exercise – the more you engage with and overcome emotional challenges, the more resilient you become and the more confident you feel when confronted with future challenges.
Instead of Avoiding Feelings, Face Your Emotions
A healthier and more fulfilling approach involves acknowledging and facing your emotions. Here’s how you can start:
1. Practice Self-Awareness
Begin by practicing mindfulness and self-awareness. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Recognize when you’re feeling the urge to avoid or “check out.” As such, this awareness is the first step in changing your response to stress and starting a path toward growth.
2. Seek Support
Sharing your experiences with trusted people in your life and inviting them into your struggle can be a significant step towards learning to lean into your emotional experiences. Oftentimes, as years of establishing patterns in those relationships, this can feel scary or even impossible. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and develop healthier coping strategies. A therapist can guide you through the process of confronting your challenges and help you uncover the underlying causes of your avoidance.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Understand that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that seeking relief, no matter what that relief looks like for you right now, is a natural response. We all seek relief from difficulties, but it just might be the case that if you are reading this, you’re ready for a change in how you find relief. Basically, be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember, you’re not alone, and many people share similar struggles.
Open the Door to Healing from Avoidance
By acknowledging and facing your emotions, you open the door to true healing and personal growth. You equip yourself with the tools to navigate life’s challenges more effectively, leading to a more fulfilling and stable life. Embracing this healthier approach might feel uncomfortable at first, but the long-term benefits far outweigh the temporary relief provided by avoidance.
With the right support, you can move towards a more authentic and fulfilling life.
We all like things to be full. There is something that comes alive in me when I have a full plate of food, or see that my movie popcorn is overflowing with buttery goodness. It’s also certain that most people love the feeling of a full bank account after payday.
The same feeling of satisfaction can happen with scheduling. We think we’ll feel excited when we fill weeks full of meetings and tasks and the plethora of calendar to-dos. This satisfaction that happens when we see our popcorn bucket overflowing may very well also come alive when we have a day filled with activity. Yet in the midst of this sense of purpose and satisfaction that comes with a week full of to-dos, there is often moments when we find ourselves exhausted and desperate for a way to escape or shut down rather than enjoying all the things that our schedules may hold.
Why we exhaust ourselves with scheduling.
This delight may be just the thing that keeps us filling our daily schedules and calendars. Yet, there is this reality that while we keep finding our agenda full to the brim we may simultaneously be noticing just how exhausting this is. This often creates a space that is desperate to slow down.
If we ignore this deep need to slow down it lead to seeking relief in any way we can.
Having a full calendar and what feels like an endless list of things to accomplish may very well be the thing that has kept you moving forward and able to be the successful student or employee that you are. There are many benefits of having a healthy level of commitments and the impact of this on feelings of satisfaction and happiness. It is often our weekly routines and commitments that give a sense of security and accomplishment which connect into feelings of purpose and value.
But there is a limit to how much of this continual pressure we are able to sustain and still maintain our own well-being.
When we find ourselves feeling like the hamster wheel of life has no way out, these are the moments when our natural instinct will lead us to seek out relief in any way that it can.
How to notice when you are overwhelmed by demands.
Some signs that you may be facing an overwhelming sense of commitments and pressure in your daily life may be:
You notice yourself fantasizing about ways to escape from the stress.
You notice an increase in unwanted patterns of things like substance use, spending, or binge media consumption.
You are more prone to isolating and withdraw from your normal daily activities.
You are experiencing feelings of hopelessness and worry that things will never change.
These may be signs that you may need to lower the load of these demands and begin to take time to notice your own needs. It can sometimes feel selfish to let yourselves move away from the feverish pace of commitments and tasks toward creating space to simply care for your own needs.
The drive to continually show up and care for others can deter us from allowing space we need to care for ourselves .
Taking steps to notice your needs and to let yourselves receive support and care, can help to relieve these patterns of uncontrolled fantasy and escape that keep creeping in.
3 Scheduling Tips to Reduce Exhaustion and Regain Energy
1. Plan regular ways to escape
It is so important to allow space to indulge. This is a way to allow our inner self to feel a sense of being held and cared for. If we don’t plan for this we will find ourselves suddenly out of control in these spaces of self indulgence and instead find these in really unhealthy ways. It is important to plan in regular times of enjoyment for yourself. These don’t have to be huge. Something like, “tonight I am going to take time to slow down to enjoy my glass of wine” or “I’m going to take 10 extra minutes to read my novel, just for fun” may be absolutely enough to help you feel less overwhelmed with the regular stresses.
2. Be adaptable
Being able to consider what you are able to accomplish can be a really valuable tool to help yourself learn how to manage your daily responsibilities. It can be really hard to allow ourselves the space to consider that our capacity for certain tasks may change. How we respond to these feelings and changes is a really caring way to increase a more compassionate way to care for yourself each day. Things like, “I normally feel great about going out with co-workers for Friday happy hour, but today feels a little more scattered for me. I think I’m going to go home and enjoy a quieter night instead.” Noticing what we are experiencing and choosing how to respond can take us to a place of feeling a greater sense of hopefulness and care.
3. Practice letting go of your schedule, even for a short while.
It can be really hard to step away from the things that feel so pressing – work, kids, family, health. The simple practice of choosing to step away from the daily pressures can provide just what you need to begin to learn how to lessen the effects of pending burnout. This could look as simple as:
choosing to turn off your phone as you spend time with a friend
sitting in stillness at a park during your lunch break
allowing yourself one day of the week that is a non-work day where you choose to do only things that are non-work related
Whatever it is, let yourself notice what it is like to pause, even for a few moments. This can help us later while we are in these moments of high stress and to be able to do things with a little more ease. Small pauses can help connect us to the reality that we can take a pause and things will still go on. This can increase a feeling of freedom to notice the continual pressure and to feel less overwhelmed.
Taking a few simple steps to shift how you arrange your day or week will allows you the space to regain a sense of balance that you so deeply need.
Sometimes it can be hard to know where to even begin the process of noticing what we need and taking the steps to get there. If you are experiencing a sense of stress and overload that feels unbearable, it may be helpful to have support in the journey toward finding what you need. I would love to help you in your journey. Let’s set up a time for a consultation call to help you begin toward finding what you need most!
IBS and anxiety can negatively impact some of the most meaningful and connecting moments in life. It can turn a casual get-together or date sour. People who experience IBS can constantly worry about having another attack. Agoraphobia is common too – the fear of leaving home. It’s understandable why people who experience IBS issues experience heightened anxiety around everyday situations.
People with IBS can sometimes feel powerless, like the best they can do is avoid food triggers.
Yet one of the main causes of the inflammation of the gut is your brain.
We’re going to look at the link between anxiety and the gut so you can understand your body better. You’ll learn how anxiety impacts your gut and how to listen to your gut’s activity as a signal. My hope is that by learning to pay attention to yourself in a new way, you’ll be able to not only avoid difficult IBS symptoms, but to learn how to soothe anxiety and feel more like yourself.
The gut is connected to the brain? How? Why??
First of all, all parts of the body have a bi-directional connection with the brain. In fact, the purpose of the brain is to receive input from the entire body, make sense of it contextually, then relay a response that changes the body. The reason the gut-brain connection often needs special explanation is because it’s hard for us to think of the gut as a part of the body that would need connection with the brain. Isn’t the purpose of the gut kind of passive? Don’t we just digest food there? Why would it need to be connected with the brain?
There are 2 reasons worth exploring.
First, what we eat tells us a lot about our environment.
When we’re full, for example, it’s a signal that our bodies are safe, we have what we need. When we’re hungry, that’s contextual information too. We can extend this to how our bodies feel when we eat certain foods. All of this is good information that should impact our intuition about our environment, something the brain is always trying to grasp.
But there’s a second reason for the connection as well:
The gut needs context to do its job well.
Imagine, for example, you have a 16oz steak you’re trying to digest (something that requires significant blood flow and energy), and suddenly you need to run from a threat. If the gut didn’t know there was a threat, it would continue to try to digest the steak and you would be unable to run. But since your brain is connected to your gut, your gut receives a signal to stop digesting (and in some cases to vomit or defecate) so you could use that blood and energy for your heart, lungs, and muscles. In contrast, when you feel safe, you’re surrounded by loved ones, and you eat a satiating meal, your brain tells your gut it’s time to dig in.
In this way your mental state – ideally a result of your intuition of your current environment – impacts the permeability, blood flow, gut microbiome composition, and digestive enzyme composition… and vice versa.
There are 2 main pathways by which your brain and gut interact: a hormonal pathway and a neural pathway. Both pathways are bi-directional, meaning that the activity of the gut impacts your brain, and also that the activity of the brain impacts the gut.
The cortisol pathway: stoking the fire
The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is the hormonal highway between your brain and your gut. The hypothalamus’ job is to keep your body in homeostasis – to keep things in rhythm. When you wake up in the morning, like clockwork your hypothalamus signals to your pituitary to produce adrenaline to get your body moving. Your adrenal glands in turn release cortisol. Your gut has cortisol receptors that signal to the gut that it’s time to move around. This signal changes the composition of your gut biome, your gut biome’s permeability, and blood flow.
Cortisol, over time, creates a leaky gut that is vulnerable to IBS episodes.
The vagal pathway: dousing the fire
Your body also needs a way to soothe itself and return to normal. This is the job of your vagus nerve, which signals for your body to slow back down. If cortisol is like gasoline on the fire, then your vagus nerve is like cooling water that helps the gut return to normal. The vagus nerve is part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the way your body returns to safety and calm.
The vagus nerve runs down past your heart, lungs, and gut. When you see something sweet or comforting, you might feel an opening sensation in your chest and put a hand over your heart. You might take a deep breath and say “awww”. This wonderful sensation is your vagus nerve signaling for your heart, lungs, and gut to open up and slow down.
When your gut receives the vagus nerve signal, lots of things change. The vagus nerve signal:
Starts an anti-inflammatory process in your gut
Slows the cortisol signal
Enforces a stronger gut barrier (decreases gut permeability)
The vagus nerve signal builds a strong gut environment that protects you from IBS episodes.
What an IBS episode looks like inside: Anxiety as a firestorm
When your body is in extreme and prolonged states of stress, high cortisol levels keep the gut in an inflamed state, leading to chronic changes in the gut microbiome and difficulty processing food. This puts the gut – and brain – in a fragile position, or a high “allostatic load”: the cumulative burden of multiple stressors. In this fragile state, any additional stressor can set off a spiral much like a spark will ignite a dry pile of hay.
An additional stressor could be anything: an inflammatory food, or a psychological or environmental stressor, or a combination of all three. While the trigger may be like a spark that starts the fire, the real issue is not the spark itself. The real issue is the spiral – the firestorm – left unmitigated.
When your body gets anxious, it usually has methods to calm back down.
We call this self-regulation. It’s like a fire hose that stops the emotional mind from getting overwhelmed. We might think of a person who is able to take a deep breath when they feel stressed, or to reassure themselves of a positive outcome when they are auditioning. This calming ability happens in our frontal lobes. The orbital frontal cortex and our anterior cingulate helps us soothe ourselves by bringing to mind soothing experiences from our past. We quite literally pull into mind a comforting memory, perhaps a parent rubbing our backs when we’re scared. For someone with a panic disorder or IBS, this frontal lobe circuitry isn’t strong enough to combat the flames of anxiety.
Thus, in an IBS episode, anxiety creates inflammation in the gut either directly or via the HPA axis. In turn, the gut sends a stress signal back to the brain that there’s a problem. If not soothed, this signal triggers the HPA axis, and we release more cortisol into the gut. The changes in our levels of cortisol change our brains as well. When in a panicked state, our frontal lobes shut down in order to get to immediate safety. When this happens, our ability to soothe ourselves is inaccessible. It’s as if the raging fire destroys the few available fire hoses.
When our level of stress passes a certain point, we are unable to stop the spiral: the fire will simply exhaust itself. For those who experience IBS, this is a familiar emotional place: the depressing surrender to an uncontrollable experience.
So what can you do? How to stop the firestrom of anxiety and heal IBS
It’s common for people with IBS to simply avoid triggers. This often means making a list of foods that trigger an attack and avoiding the list as much as possible. Yet, if we think about IBS as a complex neurological pattern that doesn’t simply originate in the gut, but in the relationship between the brain and the gut, then we can start to think about healing in a different way.
1. Create a calmer baseline
Part of the reason certain foods are triggering is the fragility of your gut – the baseline level of functioning that exists. Earlier we referred to this as the “dry bed of hay” that is ready for a match to send it up in flames. What would it mean to have less fragile intestine? Part of what creates fragility in the gut is chronic stressors, or high allostatic load. Elevated cortisol changes our entire physiology. In a real way, anxiety is not simply a “feeling” that impacts IBS – it’s a bodily state.
As such, our blood flow, immune response, inflammation of gut lining, and even our gut microbiome change dramatically when cortisol is present. When our bodies are in chronic stress, our gut cannot heal. The gut stays in this permeable, inflamed, stressed state. Healing our gut doesn’t simply mean avoiding triggers, it means increasing the times when we are completely relaxed and safe. The “safe feeling” we get when we sit down to talk with a trusted friend, when we meditate or pray, or when we receive a long hug, is an indication of our physiology returning to a soothing baseline. That state is what your gut needs to reduce baseline inflammation and restore your microbiome.
2. Grow your Self-Awareness
While some triggers may be food-related, other triggers may be contextual. When looking back at recent attacks, we can wonder about larger contexts that might have created a higher cortisol response. It’s highly possible that attacks are due as much to your emotional state as the foods you eat.
If you are unaware of the cause of your anxiety, you are also unable to self-soothe. To use our fire analogy, a lack of self-awareness is akin to having a fire department that has headphones in. It can’t hear the bells going off until they reach a deafening level; until it’s too late. However, when we’re aware of our anxiety, we’re able to self-soothe before the fire starts raging. We can calm ourselves down, helping the vagus nerve to send signals to our gut that we’re safe.
Self-awareness isn’t an intellectual, but an empathetic effort.
Sometimes we can think of self-awareness as a cold process similar to cartography. For example, if we could just chart out our anxieties we could keep them in control. The real process is much more emotional. Heinz Kohut describes the process of self-awareness as “empathic inquiry”. This means visualizing, leaning in, and coming close enough to the emotions for us to feel their pain. This is a difficult and sometimes scary process to encounter alone. Often we don’t have the perspective to see ourselves. Sometimes we are simply too defended against our own pain to really feel it.
Yet our brains are meant to heal with empathy. Remember those self-soothing frontal-lobe areas we mentioned earlier? (Orbital-frontal cortex and the anterior cingulate) Those pathways aren’t just there by default. When we’re very young, the empathy and soothing we receive by our caregivers become etched in our brains. These early interactions are the pathways that we rely on throughout life to self-soothe.
Your self-soothing ability can grow. When we increase our self-awareness, our empathy for our the anxious and unsafe feelings grow. That empathy is like a fire department that can respond to a fire with soothing water before it begins to rage.
3. Reduce Chronic Anxiety
It’s been demonstrated that even momentary times of calm and peace can be overshadowed and outweighed by stressors. When we’re exposed to a stress, or multiple stressors, the injection of cortisol into your system takes a while to subside. This is called allostatic load. The moments of deep breathing or mindfulness you practice throughout the day are important, but they sadly don’t outweigh the internal stress that can keep you in a high-cortisol state.
What’s the solution? Often the biggest stressors we carry are internal beliefs that impact our entire outlook on life. There is a relationship between early traumatic experiences and later IBS symptoms. This is because like a tea bag in hot water, our childhood experiences color and impact everything we experience. Resolving IBS means experiencing the relief of working through your anxiety. Anxiety is a signal that needs attention and understanding in order to resolve.
IBS and Anxiety: You can heal your gut
We have therapists who can help you reduce chronic anxiety. Identifying triggering foods is important, but can only get you so far. The stressor that most aggravates IBS is often not specific foods, but the chronic stress and anxiety that creates a fragile gut lining. Resolving and reducing anxiety physiologically allows your gut to repair the gut lining so you can be resilient.
Reducing anxiety impacts your everyday life. Not only does it help your gut, but helps your relationships, your job performance, your sleep, and your enjoyment of life. What would it be like for you to experience freedom from anxiety? How different would your day be today if you had more peace? We want to help you get there. Contact one of our therapists who specializes in anxiety. Schedule a free consultation and see how we can help you.
My gut wrenched as I lifted myself from the bathroom floor. I looked in the mirror at my face. It was covered in hives. The hives went down my neck. I lifted my shirt to find my entire torso was covered in hot, red, itching hives. Internally, my stomach was tied in knots. What was happening to me? I had no history of allergies. I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary. And yet I had just spent to last hour on the toilet.
I had traveled to the desert to facilitate a leadership retreat. I pulled up to the AirBnB where we would all be staying, set out the chips and guacamole, and people began arriving. That’s when my scalp started itching. I ignored that until I began to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom. The people I was there to lead filled the time. Finally I mustered the strength to come out of the bathroom and ask for help. They ended up driving me to the emergency room.
When I returned home, my doctors were perplexed. The allergy tests, MRI’s, scopes, bloodwork and exams showed nothing.
Two months later, I traveled to visit family for Christmas. The night after our Christmas family dinner, I woke at 2am with hives and pain in my stomach so intense I lost consciousness. My family called an ambulance and I spent three days recovering in the hospital.
Over two years, this happened six times, all of them during a flight or visit with family. Finally, after numerous visits to doctors, I saw a therapist. Over the course of several months, we were able to explore each of these events. We began to pay attention to what my gut was signaling to me. It became clear that my body was dealing with anxiety that I had been repressing for years, anxiety I had become numb to.
Under the care of my therapist, I’ve been able to go on trips again without attacks. I am actually able to feel my anxiety now, rather than becoming crippled by it.
Today, I see my gut pain as one way that I can tell that I’m getting anxious. When my stomach begins to tighten up, I pay attention to what could be causing anxiety. In the past, my gut had to “shout” to get my attention that something was wrong. After therapy, my gut only has to tighten a little and I respond by caring for myself and asking for help.
Many clients come to therapy because they have a pressing life issue that is causing stress. They seek a therapist to guide them through a turbulent time that has brought confusion into their life. These stressors can be a loss, a break-up, financial strain, professional challenges, or a specific interpersonal conflict causing depression, anxiety or body discomfort. Depending on the issue, therapy can help these types of problems in a defined period of time. However, localized pain is very often connected to powerful experiences that need time to fully process and heal.
The Time it Takes to Heal
The answer, as you can guess, is: it depends. The American Psychological Association reports that on average, 15 to 20 sessions are required for 50% of patients to feel their symptoms have improved. In my experience as a therapist, 3.5 months of weekly 1-hour therapy sessions will help alleviate symptoms as the report suggests. But fully heal the root issue? No. Dealing with one bump in the road of life is one thing, but dealing with the road that got you to that bump is another. And setting yourself up for a clear path into your future is yet another. So, let’s lay out the map.
Short Term Therapy
People tend to think short term therapy means 3-8, 1-hour sessions, but this time frame is more like mini therapy. In 8 sessions, you will just be getting to know your therapist. You will likely be able to understand and name one core personal issue and have 1-2 techniques to help cope with it.
Mini therapy can be helpful in times of crisis or to deal with a pressing issue. You can expect short-term therapy to last 3-5 months. This amount of time allows you to process a specific aspect of your life and face any avoidant tendencies. It offers a basic groundwork for future therapy, if you were to pick it up again, and can provide understanding of how and why you react and feel the way you do. The most important aspect to therapy of this length is that it gives you a chance to establish a trusting relationship with your therapist. According to research, “the quality of the client–therapist alliance is a reliable predictor of positive clinical outcome.”
Long Term Therapy
Historically, long term therapy meant patients coming in for several sessions per week over many years for psychoanalysis. In psychoanalysis, clients are guided to bring unconscious material to consciousness. Even so, psychoanalysis can be flexible in frequency and involve many orientations including talk therapy, somatic psychotherapy, or internal family systems, among others.
Long term therapy essentially means that treatment lasts until the client feels secure enough to take what they have learned from therapy into their life without regular sessions. The client can return at any point to continue therapy, if they feel the need. During long term therapy, sessions explore family of origin, trauma, and core personality traits. This helps you become aware of behavioral patterns, belief systems, and reactivity that may no longer serve you. Additionally, it helps you build alternative frameworks to view yourself and others with compassion.
Life-Long Therapy
Lifelong therapy can be helpful as you age, grow, and change. At each developmental stage of life, our values, and perspectives shift. Returning to therapy over the course of your lifetime supports self-knowledge each step of the way. If you work in therapy over a lifetime, you can process trauma, relieve adverse symptoms, and develop self love. Whatever time you have, whatever time it takes, therapy gets you closer to yourself, closer to well-being, and closer to inner peace. Contact me to talk more about the right time to start therapy.
References Ardito Rita B., Rabellino Daniela, Therapeutic Alliance and Outcome of Psychotherapy: Historical Excursus, Measurements, and Prospects for Research, Frontiers in Psychology VOLUME 2, 2011; DOI=10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00270
de Maat, Saskia3; de Jonghe, Frans3; Schoevers, Robert3; Dekker, Jack1,2. The Effectiveness of Long-Term Psychoanalytic Therapy: A Systematic Review of Empirical Studies. Harvard Review of Psychiatry 17(1):p 1-23, January 2009; DOI: 10.1080/10673220902742476
Setting new years resolutions is likely something you have done at least once or twice in your lifetime. The new year rolls around and you feel inspired and motivated to reflect on the current state of your life and work towards all the things that have been floating around in your head throughout the year. So you sit down and you make an ambitious list of all the things you want to work towards in your personal life, your school life, your work life, your relationships, your friendships, etc. You’re ready to conquer the new year.
Then a couple weeks pass and it’s nearly the end of January, maybe even February, and you realize that you haven’t done much to work towards the ambitious goals you’ve set for yourself. Maybe you’ve even forgotten what exactly your resolutions even are. You look back at your list and laugh at some of the goals you’ve written down. Maybe you even feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting some of your resolutions.
So are making New Year’s resolutions even helpful?
They can be!
New Year’s resolutions can definitely be helpful. Sitting down to write them out gives you an opportunity to reflect on the past year, the things that you want to keep in the upcoming year, and maybe the things you want to move away from or let go of. They can help you to have a clearer picture of how you want to spend your time and energy, as well as what it is that you’re wanting to work towards.
However, there are a couple things that can often get in the way of you completing your resolutions.
1. The resolutions you make are overly ambitious.
Of course it’s not a bad thing to have ambitions and to dream big, but it’s also important to be realistic so that those ambitions can actually be achieved.
2. You don’t revisit your resolutions from time to time.
If the only time you review your resolutions is on the day you make them, it’s understandable that they would eventually slip away from your memory. How can you remember an entire list of goals that you only take a look at once at the start of the year?
Here’s what you can do to make New Year’s resolutions actually be helpful.
1. Make your resolutions specific and realistic.
Resolutions often never come to fruition because of how big and vague they are. Think specifically about what you are wanting to achieve, break it down into smaller, achievable steps, and make those steps your resolutions. If you’re wanting to eat healthier this year, what do you need to do to make that achievable? Do you need to meal prep once a week? Write out a grocery list before you go to the store? What does healthier mean to you? Another example might be, if you’re wanting to take prioritize your mental health this year, what specifically comes to mind? Does that mean acknowledging and honoring your boundaries in your relationships? Does that mean not constantly working past your expected hours? Could it mean starting therapy for the first time or having therapy be a part of your weekly routine again? Get specific about what mental health means to you.
2. Revisit your resolutions regularly.
It will likely be close to impossible to remember your list of resolutions if you don’t revisit them from time to time. Think about how often you know you’d need to revisit your list in order to hold them loosely in the back of your mind. For some, this might be once a week. For others, it might be once a month. However often it might be for you, create a rhythm of revisiting your resolutions every so often.
3. Adjust your game plan as needed.
As you work towards your goals, you might find that certain ones need to be re-strategized. Maybe they aren’t as specific as you need them to be. Or maybe as you’ve started working towards them, you’re finding that they need to be broken down into smaller steps. Again, it’s important that your resolutions are specific and realistic – a part of that might be having to adjust your approach to achieving them throughout the year.
So yes, New Year’s resolutions can definitely be helpful! Remember that you’re making these resolutions to continue growing as a person, versus working towards perfection.
It can be common to find it difficult to set your goals and intentions for the year, especially if you’re feeling sad or anxious. If you’re finding this to be the case, please reach out for support. Therapy is the place where you can process these feelings, making it possible for you to achieve the goals and intentions you have for yourself.
Does serotonin make you happy? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, how hard you try, you can’t seem to get “out” of sadness. You can’t cheer yourself up, and you feel guilty about it. In this moment, we use a belief – a story – about what we should do to feel better. The false story is that serotonin, the “happiness hormone”, is to blame, and we need to find ways to increase it.
Serotonin is often referred to as the “happy chemical.” The idea is everywhere: from wellness blogs to pharmaceutical ads. But this simplified narrative leaves out something crucial. Happiness, healing, and emotional well-being are far more complex than a single brain chemical.
But here’s the catch: Serotonin does not create “happiness”, despite what you and I are told.
We’ve been sold a “mechanistic view” of serotonin. In this view, serotonin is like a lever we can pull to increase happiness. This incorrect view has led to ironically unhappy outcomes. In this blog, we’re going to look at the neurotransmitter serotonin. We’ll pull apart the assumptions that have kept us from understanding our own needs and propose a more holistic view that will help you achieve lasting happiness.
What is serotonin?
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps transmit signals between neurons in the brain. It plays a crucial role in regulating mood, appetite, sleep, and social behavior. It also triggers increased neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to adapt and learn). While serotonin is often called the “happiness hormone,” it doesn’t simply cause us to feel happy. While it’s present when we experience happiness, we have to be careful about assuming causation.
This begs a few questions about serotonin:
What is happiness?
Does serotonin make you happy?
How does serotonin work?
If I want to be happy, do I increase serotonin?
Serotonin’s is not a drug that “makes you happy“
As we begin, let’s start by reorienting our view of neurochemicals. Within a Western worldview, we tend to think dualistically about our brains. This means we tend to view our brain as something separate from our “selves”. Further, it’s a way of experiencing the self as a soul-like, unaffected entity that only interacts with our body. A Western worldview sees the brain as a mechanism that causes certain feelings and behaviors in the self.
Someone with a dualistic view of the mind might say, “because my brain was in fight or flight mode, I didn’t feel like myself.” Or again, “my serotonin made me feel happy”. In both cases, we assume two separate entities: the brain and the self. More-so, we assume a causal relationship between the brain’s activity and the self. As such, the cortisol (first example) and the serotonin (second example) “cause me” to feel a certain way. These dualistic assumptions lead to problematic understandings about our happiness. Let’s explore why.
Don’t confuse the cart with the horse, neurologically
Imagine sitting with friends and feeling a bit bored. In an effort to get into a different mood, you exclaim: “Let’s start having fun.” Unless delivered tongue-in-cheek, such a comment is almost certain to result in comically ironic discomfort. Sensing the discomfort, you insist: “Come on, really: Let’s have fun now.” Why doesn’t this work? While these friends are more than capable of having fun, fun is a byproduct, not a cause. Trying to directly infuse “fun” into the interaction misses the point.
In the same way, it’s a mistake to focus directly on increasing happiness through serotonin.
What Serotonin Really Does
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps nerve cells communicate. While it’s most commonly associated with mood, serotonin affects many parts of the body. In fact, most of the body’s serotonin lives not in the brain but in the digestive system.
In the brain, serotonin plays a role in helping people feel emotionally balanced, focused, and calm. It supports emotional regulation, which can allow a person to better cope with stress. But it doesn’t cause happiness. Instead, serotonin is part of a much larger network that helps the body and mind maintain balance.
It also plays critical roles in sleep, digestion, appetite, and even wound healing. When serotonin levels are disrupted—too low or too high—it can contribute to a wide range of symptoms, from irritability and fatigue to gastrointestinal discomfort or even serious medical complications.
What Causes Low Serotonin Levels?
There’s no single cause. Sometimes, the body doesn’t produce enough serotonin. Other times, the brain may not use it effectively. Stress, trauma, sleep disruption, poor nutrition, and chronic health conditions can all affect serotonin function. But these biological factors often exist alongside emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and past experiences that shape a person’s inner world.
The mechanical view of serotonin keeping you unhappy
A quick Google search for “serotonin and happiness” yields a number of articles that celebrate the mechanistic view of serotonin. Here are a few title and subtitle snippets you can find when searching for serotonin:
“Happy Hormones: What They Are and How to Boost Them”
“Serotonin is often described as the body’s natural feel-good chemical” “To boost the serotonin levels in your brain you should…”
“The Chemistry of Happiness: Unlock the Power of DOSE to be a happier you!” “You can also get tiny shots of serotonin by earning likes for your random social media posts. Yet that high is so short-lived that it is hardly worth it!”
In each of these examples, serotonin is treated like a drug we can mechanically increase to “make us” feel good. To be clear: this is not correct.
However, it makes sense that we’re excited by this idea. Our minds can be chaotic, frustrating, and clunky. If we could only “hack” the code we could unlock what we’ve so desperately wanted from our minds: to be content, happy, full of virtue and productivity.
We’re distrustful of biohacking happiness, at least on the silver screen
As much as we’re excited by the idea of “biohacking” our serotonin, we’re equally terrified. Movies such as The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Matrix, and The Truman Show express both the longing to artificially create happiness, and the dystopian outcomes of these efforts. These stories showcase a godlike effort to “hack” the characters’ experience of the world and effectively pacify a darker reality. Truman is given a safely controlled, domed environment partitioned away from a deceitful world. Neo is shielded from the horrors of a post-apocalyptic planet, and Clementine willfully erases painful memories to help her feel happy again. In each film, the biohack intended to produce happiness backfires. It becomes a “prison for your mind” typifying hell. In each story, the characters reject the biohack in favor of something more “true”.
The lesson? When we reverse engineer happiness, we’re not happy.
In the sections below we’ll re-understand serotonin so you can have a realistic and attainable goal for your own well-being that does not fall into the dualistic, mechanistic trap of chasing a happiness hormone.
The Myth of the “Happy Chemical”
The belief that serotonin creates happiness likely grew from the success of antidepressants, particularly SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These medications increase serotonin availability in the brain and can help some individuals manage symptoms of depression and anxiety.
However, this doesn’t mean serotonin is the single cause of these conditions or that boosting serotonin guarantees emotional well-being. Emotional healing isn’t just a matter of chemistry. It involves relationships, history, nervous system patterns, identity, and lived experience.
Relying solely on the “chemical imbalance” explanation can unintentionally reduce a person’s emotional pain to something mechanical or broken. It may also lead to disappointment when medication alone doesn’t provide lasting change.
Serotonin is not just about feeling happy. Research supports this idea.
A study by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2013 found that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” drives our urge for social connections, and that this in turn triggers the release of serotonin. This chain reaction results in a happy feeling, as serotonin activates the reward circuitry in the nucleus accumbens. A study by the University of Cambridge in 2015 found that low levels of serotonin are associated with lower self-esteem and reduced social status. This suggests that serotonin not only helps us feel connected to others but also influences how we perceive ourselves within our social networks.
Further, the research on the connection between serotonin and social belonging supports what we know about human brain evolution. The Dunbar number is the correlation between the size of a primate’s cortex (the large, energy intensive outer part of the brain) and the size of its tribe. This correlation suggests that the purpose of the cortex isn’t simply to make us “smart”, but to help us attach to a tribe.
Serotonin is a meter of our connection to others
If the need to attach to a tribe is inherent to our survival, would we expect a bodily signal – a sort of meter – that helps us sense and respond to our level of security in the tribe? The body’s answer is a neurotransmitter that responds to our level of connection with others. It’s interesting that the release of serotonin isn’t just connected to the reward centers of our brains, but also opens our brain to learning new behaviors and skills (neuroplasticity). It’s no wonder that when we sense we’re “in” a tribe we also become more moldable to its customs and skills.
Serotonin makes us feel rewarded to be included with others, and it stimulates our brains as if to say, “learn how to be useful to this group.”
This dramatically changes our approach to serotonin and happiness. Happiness itself is not just an internal “feeling”. It’s your awareness that you belong. Much like the feeling you get when you’re at a good family gathering. It’s the feeling of a campfire at the end of a hike, a running team that runs and supports each other every week, a hug with a long childhood friend, the singing of a national anthem at a sporting event, or a group prayer in a place of worship. The feeling is that of being at home.
SSRI’s aren’t all bad…
Increasing serotonin through direct means (such as SSRIs, sun exposure, etc.) still have an important roll. For some people with depression, it’s difficult to accomplish daily tasks. Much like pouring starter fluid in an engine, these methods can dramatically help a person increase their energy. The purpose of this “kick-start”, however, is to help the person build connections and belonging. The stimulation of serotonin receptors can start a positive feedback loop to generate real change.
Reading your serotonin meter
Your body’s serotonin levels swing day to day. 50% of the difference between people’s serotonin levels is a biological set-point. Of the remaining half, we experience a mix between the external world conditions, and our internal way of processing these conditions. For example, if I receive a compliment, that’s an external condition. It may contribute to an increased sense of belonging and self-esteem, thus raising my serotonin levels. But I also make sense of this external condition based on past similar experiences. If I have routinely experienced relationships as flighty or inconsistent, I may immediately reject the compliment. This augments my ability to receive the serotonin experience. In this way, our serotonin levels do not simply reflect our current external conditions. They reflect a combination of our biology, our history of experience, and our current external conditions.
What does high serotonin feel like?
High serotonin is the feeling of self-security. It’s the feeling we described above: home, connected, belonging, part of a team. It carries with it a feeling of “identity” or being grounded in my own body. It couples with the feeling of learning and curiosity. When you feel this way, your body tells you you’re safe and you’re engaged in an activity/behavior/social group that is healthy for you.
What does low serotonin feel like?
In mild cases, low serotonin feels like being bored or understimulated. In Los Angeles (where I’m writing from today), our Western individualist cultural influences tend to carry a mild but constant sense of disconnection from one another. We likely have become used to a relative dearth of connecting experiences. In such a societal structure, such experiences deprive our brains of serotonin.
On first glance, the results are what you’d expect: higher rates than the global average for depression and anxiety. But we also find some milder but common experiences that we come to see as normal. Existential dread, meaninglessness, isolation, and high levels of alcohol and caffeine consumption point to our difficulty coping with adequate social connection.
Low serotonin feels a bit empty. Think of the feeling of “FOMO”, or the experience of waiting for a friend that’s taking too long to show up. It feels uncomfortable. These uncomfortable feelings are your serotonin levels dropping in response to less social connection. Similar to our bodies producing the experience of hunger when we have a need for food, our bodies produce the feeling of loneliness when we’re feeling outside of the circle of our social connections.
How to respond to low serotonin levels
If we focus not on increasing serotonin directly, but listening to our level of serotonin as a social connection meter, we can find new solutions. As we mentioned before, there are two ways we can respond to increase our connections (and therefore serotonin levels): The first is to change our external conditions, the second is to create new ways of making meaning out of those experiences.
Change your external conditions
Let’s start with changing our external conditions. This is usually where we want to start to create a change.
Coffee Shop Habit. Create normal, small, daily interactions with others you know. One way to do this is to show up at a coffee shop at the same time a few days per week. See if you spot familiar faces. Simply learning a person’s name can help you feel socially connected. Accordingly, other spaces might be a gym or grocery store. Be consistent, patient, and open (maybe no headphones).
Call a Parent/Grandparent. Checking in with an attachment figure can help you feel connected again. For example, call someone just to say hi. If you have a trusting relationship with a parent or grandparent, a short call can remind you that you belong.
Call instead of text. Hearing a person’s voice and tone can help you feel connected. This normal, everyday, constant way of being connected is quite low in our digital age.
Go somewhere social for work. As much as traffic can be inconvenient, studies have shown the social and mental health benefits of being in a social setting for work. For example, if an in-person office is inaccessible, consider setting up shop at a local coffee shop (checking off tip #1 and $4 in one swoop!)
Schedule regular interactions with friends. Having a scheduled time can help you mind positively anticipate a meeting, thus giving benefits to your social mind before and after the gathering. Some people join a book club, or a CrossFit gym, or a religious study group. Focus on small gatherings, between 3-8 people, and it can be helpful to have an intention besides simply catching up. Play a board game, read a book together, or go on a run.
Is It Possible to Boost Serotonin Naturally?
Yes, but again, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Activities like getting sunlight, exercising, eating tryptophan-rich foods, and reducing stress can all support serotonin levels. Therapy itself may play a role as well, through emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and improved sleep and self-care.
These practices are not replacements for medication when it’s needed, but they are powerful supports for overall well-being. The most effective approach often blends biological, psychological, and relational care.
Serotonin, Trauma, and the Nervous System
People with trauma often experience dysregulation in their nervous system, feeling chronically unsafe, hypervigilant, or emotionally numb. This state can affect the brain’s ability to use or produce serotonin effectively.
Trauma-informed therapy focuses not just on mood symptoms, but on rebuilding a sense of safety in the body and mind. Healing trauma may, over time, support the brain’s natural chemistry — but more importantly, it restores the capacity to feel, connect, and live fully.
How Therapy Helps Beyond Chemistry
While serotonin affects emotional regulation, therapy provides the structure to address what chemicals alone cannot: the underlying causes of emotional pain.
Therapy helps:
Make sense of past experiences
Recognize patterns of thinking and behavior
Strengthen self-compassion and emotional resilience
Create new, healthier ways of relating to others
Calm the nervous system through relational safety
These are all things serotonin alone cannot do. When combined with lifestyle changes or medication when appropriate, therapy offers a complete path toward healing and integration.
Healing Is Relational
Serotonin plays a role in mood, but healing from depression, anxiety, or trauma doesn’t come from one molecule. It comes from connection. From telling the truth in a space where it’s safe to do so. From working with someone who knows how to listen beneath the surface.
Therapy is more than symptom relief. It’s a process of integration. Of coming back to yourself. Of understanding what shaped you and beginning to rewire patterns that no longer serve you.
There’s room for medication in this journey. But there’s also room for something deeper: healing through relationship, presence, and insight.
Changing our internal condition
Much more important than the external conditions is our history of experience with the world. Long ago, these experiences dug the channels through which our current experiences flow. While changing our external conditions is important, real change happens when we can see the network of “channels” we hold, and form new pathways. If we do not do this, our external experiences may never yield internal relief.
This process of creating new pathways happens naturally as we experience empathy and awareness. Simply by talking about our internal process, noticing it, understanding how we came to feel these ways, our minds begin to form new pathways that help us take in our current experience. It’s a bit like having a nightmare, where talking about it helps you to see it for the dream it is, separate from your current reality.
That’s what we do. We have therapists who can help you build new serotonin pathways so you can create change in your life.
Serotonin is much more than just a “happiness hormone.” It plays a crucial role in our social connections, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being. By understanding its complex relationship with our social lives, genetic factors, and our internal and external conditions, we can take proactive steps to build strong and wide social connections to naturally boost our serotonin levels. So go ahead and start building those connections – your serotonin levels will thank you.
As you see the sun increasingly less during this time of year, you might also find yourself feeling sad and wondering why things are feeling more and more difficult. You notice that it’s harder to keep up your motivation. You’re feeling disconnected from your friends and family. There are days you feel significantly weighed down by your sadness. All you want to do is lay down, take a nap, and not have other responsibilities to attend to. You might wonder if you have seasonal depression: depression triggered by the loss of daylight during winter.
To make matters even more difficult, you feel like you should be happy. Everyone around you seems to be in a celebratory, holiday mood. But for you, thinking of the holidays brings up dread, sadness, and loneliness. You’re not quite sure why, but you know this is not your favorite time of year.
Seasonal depression and the shorter day
The winter change in sunlight exposure tends to signal sad feelings. You’re used to seeing the sun when you’re up in the morning and at the end of the day as you wind down for the night. When the light signal travels down our optic nerve, from our retinas to the occipital lobe (visual field processing), it passes the hypothalamus. Our hypothalamus is responsible for the regulation of many bodily functions, and is closely tied to our limbic system (emotional processing). The more light signal that flows past the hypothalamus, the more it stimulates our mood. With less light, our motivation and mood tends to be lower during this time of year.
Seasonal depression has to do with your memory
Emotional priming and conditioning can be another relevant factor in your mood changes. As the weather slowly gets colder and the amount of sunlight you see during the day begins to decrease, your brain knows that winter is approaching. You’ve been primed to know that these kinds of changes mark the beginning of the Fall and holiday season, which then brings up procedural memories – you begin to feel just like you felt at other winters. In fact, our minds are biased: our brains are better at remembering negative or painful events than positive events. This is where conditioning comes in; you’ve begun to grow conditioned to feel a certain way as you notice the changes happening at the start of the season. You begin to slow down and feel sensitive in ways that typically don’t happen during other times of the year.
As you notice these external and internal changes happening, instead of sinking deeper into your sadness and succumbing to your feelings, it’s important to be intentional in taking care of yourself. Although doing so may not completely irradicate how you’re feeling, it may at least help mitigate those feelings and decrease the intensity of them.
Things You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself During This Time.
1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling.
Instead of trying to push your feelings away and attempt to ignore them creeping up on you, acknowledge them. You can do this by simply journaling down your thoughts and feelings at some point during the day – whether that be in the morning before you start your day or at night as you get ready for bed. It can feel scary to admit difficult feelings you’re experiencing, but it can also bring so much relief. It’s okay to feel the way you do; you don’t have to work so hard to deny those feelings.
2. Connect With a Friend.
It’s so easy to hole up in your room or home and not prioritize your social needs when you’re feeling down. Everyone seems to be particularly busy around the holidays and you don’t want to feel like a burden to your friends. But by not making time for your friendships, you end up exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Instead of contributing to those feelings, reach out to a friend and get a meal together. Go on a walk together. Grab a drink together. Plan a time to meet virtually for long distance friendships. Do something that will help you feel connected with the people you care about, rather than feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it helps to have dates on the calendar when you know you’ll have a welcomed meeting with a friend.
3. Set Boundaries.
Setting boundaries can feel like a scary or daunting task but it doesn’t have to be. During a time when you’re feeling more sensitive, it’s so valuable to know and respect your own boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Say yes to the social and holiday gatherings you feel good about; say no to the ones that you dread. For events that aren’t possible to excuse yourself from, set time limits for how long you’re willing to be present for. It’s okay to scoot out after you’ve reached your limit. There’s endless possibilities to things that you can set boundaries for – make it personal to you. It may be difficult initially to hold yourself to your boundaries but doing so is a way to be kind to yourself during a time that feels tough.
Your Feelings Are Valid.
During this time of year that’s meant to be “Holly Jolly,” know that you aren’t the only one who may be feeling the exact opposite of Holly Jolly. Bottom line is that it is okay for you to feel this way; it is okay that you tend to struggle with seasonal depression at this point each year. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you ride out the waves of this season.
If you find yourself wanting to explore and process your feelings further, reach out to a professional for help. That’s another way you can take care of yourself during this time that brings up a range of conflicting emotions.
It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season. This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities. Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays. It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities. But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.
These three simple steps can help you tonavigate holiday disappointment.
Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy. This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration. Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.
Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs
Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events. Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws? Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship? Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most. Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment. Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight. This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen. Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis. By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.
Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.
We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays. But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress. When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold. We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss. Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.
But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.
Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful. Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling right now?
What has gone well today that I feel proud of?
What moments were not as I had hoped?
These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed. This keeps you in a place of control and regulation. It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed. Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration. Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.
Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance.
The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks. Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed. Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self. Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance. Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment. Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.
The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement. Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments. Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.
While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.
Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful. Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.
