Choosing the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already facing personal challenges. However, knowing how to choose a therapist and understanding what to look for in a therapist can simplify the process. Drawing from expert insights by Dr. Connor McClenahan, director of Here Counseling, this guide highlights three essential qualities—availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—to help you find a therapist who’s the perfect fit for your needs. Let’s explore these qualities and practical tips to ensure your therapy journey is supportive and effective.
What to Look for in a Therapist:
Your therapist should be…
1. Available
When figuring out how to choose a therapist, availability is a top priority. You need someone who’s accessible when you need them most. Dr. McClenahan emphasizes this, saying, “You really want to know that when you pick up the phone, somebody is going to respond to you.” A therapist who’s available ensures you’re not left waiting during critical moments.
Why it matters: Delays in scheduling or responses can increase feelings of frustration or isolation. A therapist who prioritizes availability shows they value your time and mental well-being.
How to spot it: Look for therapists who reply promptly to inquiries and offer appointments within a reasonable timeframe. For instance, Here Counseling aims to respond within a day or two and schedule sessions within a week.
Choosing a therapist who’s available means you’ll feel supported from the start, making it easier to begin your healing process.
2. Real
Another critical aspect of what to look for in a therapist is authenticity. You want someone genuine—someone who connects with you on a human level. Dr. McClenahan notes that clients need “somebody who’s real,” highlighting the importance of a therapist’s ability to empathize and relate.
Why it matters: Studies show that the “goodness of fit” between you and your therapist strongly predicts therapy’s success. An authentic therapist builds trust, creating a safe space for you to share openly.
How to spot it: Seek therapists who are approachable and transparent. Many, like those at Here Counseling, offer profiles with blog posts or videos to help you gauge their personality before meeting.
An authentic therapist fosters a meaningful connection, which is vital when deciding how to choose a therapist you can rely on.
3. Helpful
When considering what to look for in a therapist, helpfulness is non-negotiable. Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about growth. Dr. McClenahan explains that a helpful therapist knows “what it takes to actually heal and grow in a therapy room,” using proven methods to guide you forward.
Why it matters: A helpful therapist goes beyond listening; they equip you with tools to tackle challenges like anxiety or relationship struggles. This focus on results makes therapy worthwhile.
How to spot it: Look for therapists trained in evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychoanalysis. At Here Counseling, therapists tailor these methods to your unique goals.
Choosing a therapist who prioritizes helpfulness ensures your sessions lead to real, lasting progress.
Practical Tips for How to Choose a Therapist
Beyond these core qualities, here are some actionable steps to refine your search for the right therapist:
Check credentials: Confirm the therapist is licensed and experienced in areas relevant to your needs, like depression or trauma.
Schedule a consultation: Many therapists offer an initial chat to assess fit. Use this to ask questions and test your comfort level.
Read reviews: Client feedback or recommendations from friends can reveal a therapist’s strengths and style.
These steps can boost your confidence in finding a therapist who aligns with what to look for in a therapist for your situation.
Why Here Counseling Simplifies Choosing a Therapist
Wondering how to choose a therapist without the guesswork? Here Counseling makes it easier. They provide a care coordinator to match you with a therapist based on your needs, plus detailed therapist profiles with videos and posts to preview their approach. This process reflects their commitment to availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—everything you should look for in a therapist.
Start Looking Today
Deciding how to choose a therapist doesn’t have to be daunting. By focusing on availability, authenticity, and helpfulness, you can find someone who supports your growth. Ready to take the next step? Contact Here Counseling to connect with a therapist who embodies these qualities and start your path to healing.
Navigating mental health as a community college student is no small feat. At Pasadena City College (PCC), where about 24,000 students—fresh-faced high school grads, career switchers, and everyone in between—chase their dreams, the mental health team works overtime to keep up. Dr. Andrea Bailey, Faculty Lead and Clinical Director, compares her job to running a small city’s mental health system, juggling limited resources and a dizzying array of student needs.
But here’s the kicker: therapy alone isn’t enough. This article dives into why trauma thrives without communal support, the traps of “vibey” therapists that can trip up young adults, and how to spot a therapist who’ll actually help you grow.
Trauma’s Roots: Where Community Falls Short
Trauma doesn’t hit like a lightning bolt—it’s more like a slow burn. Dr. Bailey explains that after big events, like wildfires or political chaos, students don’t flood the counseling center right away. They lean on their communities first—friends, family, campus buddies. But when those ties weaken or dissolve, the fallout creeps in months later, driving up demand for therapy. This delay reveals something big: mental health isn’t just about what’s in your head. It’s tied to the people around you.
In today’s world, where stable communities—think tight-knit families or neighborhood crews—are fading, students end up relying on therapists to fill the void. Dr. Bailey’s point is clear: therapy can patch you up, but it’s communal support that keeps you steady. Without it, trauma festers, and young adults, already figuring out who they are, feel the weight even more.
The Trap of “Vibey” Therapists: Why Good Vibes Aren’t Enough
Ever met a therapist who’s all warm fuzzies but no substance? Dr. Bailey calls them “vibey therapists”—the ones who nail the cozy vibe but don’t push you to grow. For young adults, this can be a real stumbling block. Drawing from Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy, here are three common pitfalls of this approach and how they mess with students:
Fostering Dependence Over Independence These therapists might leave you hooked on their affirmations, like you’re a plant that can’t grow without constant watering. Young adults, who are supposed to be learning how to stand on their own, end up needing a session just to face a bad grade or a fight with a roommate.
Turning Struggles Into Identities Too much focus on feelings without a game plan can glue you to your pain. Dr. Bailey hears students say, “I am my anxiety,” like it’s their whole personality. For young adults shaping their futures, this can lock them into a victim mindset instead of pushing them past it.
Prioritizing Comfort Over Challenge If therapy feels like a hug fest with no tough questions, it’s not doing its job. Young adults need to stretch their wings—avoiding hard stuff keeps them fragile, not ready for the real world’s curveballs.
These traps don’t just stall you—they can backfire, making resilience harder to build. Shrier’s critique hits home: therapy that’s too soft can turn growing pains into permanent scars, especially for students at a crossroads.
Finding the Right Therapist: Tips That Work
So, how do you dodge the “vibey” trap and find a therapist who’s legit? It’s like picking a workout buddy—you want someone who’ll cheer you on but also call you out when you’re slacking. Dr. Bailey’s got some solid advice. Here are three tips to know if a therapist’s a good fit:
They Challenge You (But Not Too Hard) A great therapist listens, gets you, then nudges you forward. If you’re just venting every week with no progress, it’s too vibey. Look for someone who sparks action.
They’ve Walked the Walk Ask if they’ve been in therapy themselves. A therapist who’s faced their own stuff won’t lean on you to feel useful. For young adults, this means less risk of a weird, clingy vibe and more focus on your growth.
You Feel Seen, Not Babied You should leave a session feeling understood but not pampered. If they’re handing you tools or a fresh angle—not just nodding and smiling—you’ve got a keeper. It’s about moving forward, not wallowing.
These pointers help you zero in on therapy that builds you up, not just props you up.
Therapy Plus Community
Therapy’s a tool, but it shines brightest alongside real community—friends, clubs, a campus crew. At PCC, Dr. Bailey’s team pushes students to plug into campus life, because healing sticks when you’re not alone. For young adults, dodging “vibey” therapists and chasing solid support—both in and out of the counseling room—can turn a rough patch into a launchpad. In a world that’s shaky at best, that’s worth figuring out.
You’re in a relationship where every argument feels like you’re on a treadmill to nowhere. One of you chases for connection, while the other retreats into silence. This is the pursue-withdraw pattern, and it’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.
What is the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern?
The pursue-withdraw pattern is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner (the pursuer) seeks more interaction, validation, or resolution during conflicts, while the other (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed and tends to retreat or disengage.
John Allan Whitacre, AMFT, describes this vividly: “One person is going to stop at a rock and basically sit there and say, ‘Let’s just stop entirely. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.'” Here, the withdrawer might feel they’re not good enough or fear being criticized, leading to a retreat from interaction.
On the other hand, the pursuer, feeling neglected or anxious, might push for engagement, as Whitacre explains, “Another person may have been waiting all day at work to basically attend to their internal to-do list,” indicating a desire for resolution or closeness.
Pursue-Withdraw Pattern Causes Couples to Fight
The Emotional Toll: When one partner withdraws, seeking solitude or disengagement from the conflict, the other often feels abandoned or unloved, leading to a cycle of blame and retreat that can deepen the rift between you. This pattern becomes a repetitive dance where neither feels truly heard or understood.
Heightened Anxiety: This pattern isn’t just about disagreement; it’s about survival mode in your relationship. “We need to be able to fall back when life gets hard,” says Dr. Connor McClenahan, highlighting how this dynamic can turn a partner into a source of stress rather than support, escalating anxiety for both. The pursuer might feel desperate for reassurance, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the demand for closeness, creating a vicious cycle of increasing tension.
Connection and Identity is at Stake
Loss of Connection: Every cycle of pursue and withdraw chips away at the trust and intimacy you’ve built. “They’re both longing for safety,” Whitacre notes, but instead of finding it in each other, partners can feel increasingly isolated, even when they’re together. This lack of connection can lead to a profound sense of loneliness within the relationship.
Identity and Self-Worth: “I’m not good enough, so I need to retreat,” Whitacre describes the internal narrative of the withdrawer. Meanwhile, the pursuer might feel, “I need you. Where are you?” This dynamic can leave both questioning their value in the relationship and to each other. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and the belief in the relationship’s potential for happiness and fulfillment.
Awareness Breaks the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern
Awareness is Key: “Especially on the front end. A lot of my work with couples is just helping them notice when they are coping,” Whitacre shares. Recognizing these roles you play can be the first step to breaking free from them. It’s about seeing the pattern for what it is—a defense mechanism rather than a personal attack or disinterest.
Communication Over Reaction: Instead of reacting out of hurt or fear, Whitacre pushes for understanding underlying needs. “What are you really trying to say to them?” he asks, encouraging couples to speak to their true feelings rather than their immediate frustrations. This shift can transform heated arguments into moments of vulnerability and connection.
The Healing Power of Therapy: “There actually is an opportunity to choose to either react to your feelings or respond to them,” Whitacre suggests. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics, learn new communication skills, and rebuild the connection. It’s about slowing down the interaction, allowing each partner to express what’s beneath the surface—fears, desires, and hopes.
A New Beginning as a Couple
The pursue-withdraw pattern doesn’t have to define your relationship. By confronting this cycle head-on, you can transform your partnership from one of survival and stress to one of mutual support and understanding. This podcast episode isn’t just about identifying a problem; it’s about offering a lifeline to couples caught in this loop, giving them the tools to reconnect, re-engage, and rediscover each other in healthier, more loving ways.
Imagine replacing those moments of withdrawal with gentle requests for space or understanding, and those moments of pursuit with compassionate invitations for closeness. By learning to communicate your needs without the baggage of past patterns, you can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and love. If you’re ready to step off that treadmill, it’s time to start rewriting your relationship story, one conversation at a time.
Arianne MacBean, a somatic therapist with a profound background in dance education and choreography, helps people with trauma and anxiety to create change using their bodies. On the surface, this idea sounds trivial, yet as Arianne explains, the body is absolutely central in any process of healing. Arianne shared her unique journey from leading dance workshops for veterans to becoming a somatic psychotherapist, illustrating how movement and memory can catalyze deep emotional and psychological healing.
How veterans heal trauma through movement
Arianne’s work began with veterans through “The Collective Memory Project,” where she combined writing and movement to help veterans process their memories. “We were dealing with memory making as a relational process,” Arianne explains. “It changes as you tell it and share it.” This initiative was not just about dance but about using movement as a medium to externalize and reinterpret personal experiences. Veterans found themselves in a space where their memories could be shared, reshaped, and witnessed by others, leading to profound moments of vulnerability, healing, and sometimes, performance on stage alongside professional dancers.
Moving from dance to therapy
The transition from dance educator to therapist was driven by Arianne’s realization of the deep therapeutic impact her workshops had. She noticed that moving memories physically allowed for an emotional release that talking alone could not achieve. “What we were doing was incredibly evocative, provocative, emotional, vulnerable, and healing,” Arianne recounts. This insight led her to pursue further skills in somatic psychotherapy, where she could formally integrate these practices into healing processes.
How Somatic Therapy Works
Arianne describes how, in therapy sessions, she encourages clients to embody their emotions or memories physically. “It’s a kind of embodied way of processing experience,” she notes. For example, she recounts a session where a client with an autoimmune condition physically took on a posture from a painful memory, leading to significant emotional shifts. This method isn’t about escaping discomfort but about engaging with it in a controlled, therapeutic setting, which can lead to acceptance and eventual relief.
The process allows for a re-experiencing of trauma in a safe environment, where the body’s memory can be explored and reframed. “It’s about feeling change, not just thinking it,” Arianne adds, emphasizing the emotional and bodily release that somatic therapy facilitates.
Somatic therapy exercises actually involve two people: you and the therapist
One of the key takeaways from Arianne’s discussion is the human connection in therapy. By sharing and mirroring physical expressions, both therapist and client connect on a primal, empathetic level. “I do a lot of movement with them too; I mirror what they’re doing,” Arianne shares, highlighting how this practice fosters an environment where healing can occur not just through distance or professional detachment but through shared human experience.
3 Somatic Therapy Exercises
Arianne suggests simple exercises for those dealing with panic or pain:
Acknowledge the Sensation: Recognize the pain or panic as a signal, not an enemy. “Hello, anxiety,” she suggests as a way to acknowledge rather than fight the feeling.
Breathe Into It: Instead of breathing away from the discomfort, breathe into it, sending your breath to where you feel the pain or anxiety. “It’s about inhaling and exhaling into the sensation,” she explains.
Re-center in the Present: Remind yourself of your current safety and environment, grounding yourself back to the present moment. “You’re here, you’re okay,” she reassures.
Arianne MacBean’s journey from the stage to the therapy room highlights a beautiful synergy between art and healing. Her work underscores the potential of somatic practices in psychological therapy, offering hope and new methods for those seeking to heal from deep-seated traumas or chronic conditions through the power of their own bodies. Her approach not only transforms personal narratives but also invites everyone to rethink how we engage with our emotions and memories, fostering a space where healing is both an individual and communal journey.
In the journey of a relationship, couples therapy can be a lighthouse, guiding partners back to calm waters. However, one of the most common concerns is whether this potentially life-changing investment is financially viable, specifically, whether insurance will cover some or all of the costs. Let’s explore the nuances of insurance coverage for couples therapy, how to make the most of your insurance plan, and why investing in couples therapy might just be worth every penny.
Understanding Insurance Coverage for Couples Therapy
Traditional Health Insurance: Couples therapy is often not covered by standard health insurance plans because “relationship issues” are not classified as a medical condition. Insurance typically covers treatments for diagnosed mental health disorders, not preventive or relational counseling unless there’s a specific diagnosis at play.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs): Some employers offer EAPs, which might include short-term counseling sessions, including couples therapy. This is often limited to a few sessions but can be a starting point for addressing relationship issues.
Medicare: Medicare Part B can cover family counseling, which includes couples therapy, but there are stipulations. The counseling must be provided by a behavioral health care provider, and one partner must have a qualifying mental health condition.
Affordable Care Act (ACA): While the ACA mandates mental health coverage as an essential benefit, couples therapy isn’t usually included unless tied to a mental health diagnosis.
In-Network vs. Out-of-Network:
In-Network: If your therapist is in-network, you’ll generally pay less out-of-pocket. Coverage might include copayments or coinsurance after meeting your deductible.
Out-of-Network with PPO Plans: Preferred Provider Organization (PPO) plans offer more flexibility. You can see therapists outside your insurance network but might pay more:
Out-of-Network Benefits: Check your policy for any coverage for out-of-network providers. You might be eligible for partial reimbursement if you submit claims yourself.
Superbills: Some therapists provide a “superbill” which you can submit to your insurer for reimbursement. This document outlines the services rendered, which can be used to claim part of your expenses.
Understanding Deductibles and Coinsurance:
Deductibles: This is the amount you pay out-of-pocket before your insurance begins to cover costs. If your plan has a $1,000 deductible, you’ll need to spend this amount before insurance kicks in.
Coinsurance: After your deductible, coinsurance is the percentage of costs you’re responsible for. For example, with 20% coinsurance, if a session costs $200, you’d pay $40, and insurance would cover $160.
How to find your insurance information
Review Your Policy: Your insurance policy’s documentation should outline what mental health services are covered, including therapy. Look for sections on mental health or behavioral services.
Contact Your Insurer: Direct questions to your insurance provider. Ask about:
Coverage for marriage or couples counseling specifically.
CPT codes related to therapy (e.g., 90847 for family psychotherapy).
Deductibles, copayments, coinsurance, and any session limits.
Therapist’s Role: Discuss coverage with your potential therapist. They might have insights or can help with billing or providing superbills for reimbursement.
The Cost of NOT Investing in Couples Therapy
When couples stand at the crossroads of deciding whether to invest in therapy, the financial aspect can feel like a heavy burden. The cost of sessions can loom large, especially when finances are already stretched thin between household expenses, children’s needs, or personal debts. It’s a moment of vulnerability where the fear of spending on something that might not yield immediate results can be paralyzing. Yet, this decision is not just about the immediate outlay; it’s about investing in the future of your relationship, your emotional health, and the well-being of your family.
Consider the cost of not investing in couples therapy. Without intervention, small issues can fester into significant conflicts, potentially leading to separation or divorce. The financial implications of divorce are enormous, not just in legal fees which can run into tens of thousands of dollars, but also in the indirect costs like splitting assets, alimony, child support, and the adjustment to single-income living. Beyond the financial aspect, the emotional toll on both partners and any children involved can be immeasurable, leading to years of therapy or other healing mechanisms that might have been mitigated or avoided with timely intervention.
Moreover, the absence of professional guidance might mean enduring a strained or unhappy relationship for years, which affects not only your mental health but also your productivity at work, physical health due to stress, and the overall quality of life. The cost of living with unresolved issues can manifest in numerous ways, from missed career opportunities due to personal turmoil to health care expenses from stress-related ailments. In this light, the cost of couples therapy might seem like a drop in the ocean compared to the potential long-term expenses of not addressing relationship issues. Here’s why investing in therapy could be one of the best financial decisions you make:
Relationship Longevity: Therapy can address issues before they lead to separation or divorce, which are far more costly both emotionally and financially.
Improved Communication: Learning to communicate effectively can save countless hours of conflict and misunderstanding in the future.
Mental Health Benefits: By resolving relationship stress, individual mental health can improve, potentially reducing other healthcare costs.
Preventive Care: Like any preventive health measure, investing in relationship health can prevent more severe issues down the line.
Quality of Life: A healthier relationship contributes to better overall life satisfaction, which is priceless.
Financial Considerations:
Sliding Scale Fees: Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on income, making therapy more accessible.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: While the upfront cost might seem high, think in terms of long-term savings from avoiding divorce, legal fees, or the cost of ongoing individual therapy due to unresolved relationship issues.
Insurance Utilization: Even partial coverage can significantly reduce the financial burden, making therapy more viable.
In conclusion, while couples therapy might not always be directly covered by insurance, understanding your policy, exploring all available benefits, and considering the long-term value can make this investment worthwhile. Remember, the goal isn’t just to save money but to enrich your life through a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, take the time to explore your insurance options thoroughly, and don’t hesitate to ask for help in navigating these waters. Your relationship’s health might just be the most significant investment you make.
Suicidal ideation is isolating. People with suicidal ideation often constantly battle thoughts about death and dying. Managing these feelings alone is tough, and it becomes an even heavier burden when we don’t discuss them. Society doesn’t teach us to openly talk about suicidal ideation. Yet locking away these thoughts only deepens the loneliness and pain.
The truth is, suicidal ideation is more common than we think. Yet it doesn’t have to be something we carry alone. Rather than seeing these thoughts as something to be ashamed of, we can begin to recognize them as a signal that something in our lives needs an immediate change. It’s a call for help, an invitation to reach out, and an opportunity to reclaim our lives with the right support.
In this blog we’re going to help you see suicidal ideation in a different way: as a way of crying out for care – a cry that needs to be expressed. We’ll talk about what suicidal ideation really is, why it’s important to talk about it, and how therapy can help you navigate these thoughts with compassion and hope.
What Is Suicidal Ideation?
Suicidal ideation is when you are experiencing intrusive thoughts about wanting to die. Suicidal ideation can range in intensity and look different for everyone. For example, you might feel like you don’t want to be alive but you have no concrete plan for actually making that happen. Or you might have very active suicide ideation with a detailed plan as to when, where, and how you will act on the idea. Having thoughts about wanting to die often doesn’t mean you actually want to die. Rather it’s a sign that something is wrong in your life that needs to change.
“I’m so afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts”
There are a lot of fears around sharing these thoughts with other people. You fear that someone will misunderstand you or escalate the issue to the police. You’re worried that expressing yourself might worsen the situation instead of improving it.
One of our therapists Dr. Jeff Chan puts it this way:
“Thoughts of ending your life can feel overwhelming and frightening. It’s common to worry that others might judge you or that having these thoughts means something is deeply wrong. But it’s important to know that suicidal thoughts are often a symptom of intense pain, not necessarily a desire to die.
Most of the time, we don’t want to end our lives—we just want the pain to stop, and it feels like there’s no other way out. Talking about these thoughts, especially with someone who cares, can help take away some of their power and open the door to finding ways to heal the pain at the root of it all. We’re here to help figure that out together.”
What To Do If You’re Experiencing Suicidal Ideation
Seek support from a friend or family member: The first step to take is to let someone know. You can start by sending a text to a trusted loved one, saying something like: “This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts and it might help to talk. Are you free?” This is a vulnerable step. Yet it is important for the people in your life to know how you are feeling inside.
Contact a Therapist: Reaching out to a therapist and setting up an appointment can provide you a sense of hope knowing that you have something on your calendar that will help. Therapy is a safe place to talk openly and freely about what you have been feeling.
Call or text the Suicide Crisis Line: Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re not sure who to tell yet, you can start by talking to the lifeline number to find support and safety there.
Consider making a plan of who you can talk to when suicidal ideation feels overwhelming.
When you get the right care for suicidal ideation, everything changes
Suicidal ideation is a signal that something in your life needs to change, and with the right support, you can begin to make those changes. By breaking the silence and reaching out for help, you’re taking the first step towards healing.
As Dr. Connor McClenahan explains,
“When we talk about suicide ideation, we begin to experience safety and hope. There are many people like you who experience this, and when we can talk about it—that’s when we find healing.”
Healing starts with a conversation. When the cry is only internal, it can feel chaotic and overwhelming. By sharing your thoughts with a safe person, you open the door to new possibilities. You begin forging a path forward that’s defined by hope, not pain.
IBS and anxiety can negatively impact some of the most meaningful and connecting moments in life. It can turn a casual get-together or date sour. People who experience IBS can constantly worry about having another attack. Agoraphobia is common too – the fear of leaving home. It’s understandable why people who experience IBS issues experience heightened anxiety around everyday situations.
People with IBS can sometimes feel powerless, like the best they can do is avoid food triggers.
Yet one of the main causes of the inflammation of the gut is your brain.
We’re going to look at the link between anxiety and the gut so you can understand your body better. You’ll learn how anxiety impacts your gut and how to listen to your gut’s activity as a signal. My hope is that by learning to pay attention to yourself in a new way, you’ll be able to not only avoid difficult IBS symptoms, but to learn how to soothe anxiety and feel more like yourself.
The gut is connected to the brain? How? Why??
First of all, all parts of the body have a bi-directional connection with the brain. In fact, the purpose of the brain is to receive input from the entire body, make sense of it contextually, then relay a response that changes the body. The reason the gut-brain connection often needs special explanation is because it’s hard for us to think of the gut as a part of the body that would need connection with the brain. Isn’t the purpose of the gut kind of passive? Don’t we just digest food there? Why would it need to be connected with the brain?
There are 2 reasons worth exploring.
First, what we eat tells us a lot about our environment.
When we’re full, for example, it’s a signal that our bodies are safe, we have what we need. When we’re hungry, that’s contextual information too. We can extend this to how our bodies feel when we eat certain foods. All of this is good information that should impact our intuition about our environment, something the brain is always trying to grasp.
But there’s a second reason for the connection as well:
The gut needs context to do its job well.
Imagine, for example, you have a 16oz steak you’re trying to digest (something that requires significant blood flow and energy), and suddenly you need to run from a threat. If the gut didn’t know there was a threat, it would continue to try to digest the steak and you would be unable to run. But since your brain is connected to your gut, your gut receives a signal to stop digesting (and in some cases to vomit or defecate) so you could use that blood and energy for your heart, lungs, and muscles. In contrast, when you feel safe, you’re surrounded by loved ones, and you eat a satiating meal, your brain tells your gut it’s time to dig in.
In this way your mental state – ideally a result of your intuition of your current environment – impacts the permeability, blood flow, gut microbiome composition, and digestive enzyme composition… and vice versa.
There are 2 main pathways by which your brain and gut interact: a hormonal pathway and a neural pathway. Both pathways are bi-directional, meaning that the activity of the gut impacts your brain, and also that the activity of the brain impacts the gut.
The cortisol pathway: stoking the fire
The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is the hormonal highway between your brain and your gut. The hypothalamus’ job is to keep your body in homeostasis – to keep things in rhythm. When you wake up in the morning, like clockwork your hypothalamus signals to your pituitary to produce adrenaline to get your body moving. Your adrenal glands in turn release cortisol. Your gut has cortisol receptors that signal to the gut that it’s time to move around. This signal changes the composition of your gut biome, your gut biome’s permeability, and blood flow.
Cortisol, over time, creates a leaky gut that is vulnerable to IBS episodes.
The vagal pathway: dousing the fire
Your body also needs a way to soothe itself and return to normal. This is the job of your vagus nerve, which signals for your body to slow back down. If cortisol is like gasoline on the fire, then your vagus nerve is like cooling water that helps the gut return to normal. The vagus nerve is part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the way your body returns to safety and calm.
The vagus nerve runs down past your heart, lungs, and gut. When you see something sweet or comforting, you might feel an opening sensation in your chest and put a hand over your heart. You might take a deep breath and say “awww”. This wonderful sensation is your vagus nerve signaling for your heart, lungs, and gut to open up and slow down.
When your gut receives the vagus nerve signal, lots of things change. The vagus nerve signal:
Starts an anti-inflammatory process in your gut
Slows the cortisol signal
Enforces a stronger gut barrier (decreases gut permeability)
The vagus nerve signal builds a strong gut environment that protects you from IBS episodes.
What an IBS episode looks like inside: Anxiety as a firestorm
When your body is in extreme and prolonged states of stress, high cortisol levels keep the gut in an inflamed state, leading to chronic changes in the gut microbiome and difficulty processing food. This puts the gut – and brain – in a fragile position, or a high “allostatic load”: the cumulative burden of multiple stressors. In this fragile state, any additional stressor can set off a spiral much like a spark will ignite a dry pile of hay.
An additional stressor could be anything: an inflammatory food, or a psychological or environmental stressor, or a combination of all three. While the trigger may be like a spark that starts the fire, the real issue is not the spark itself. The real issue is the spiral – the firestorm – left unmitigated.
When your body gets anxious, it usually has methods to calm back down.
We call this self-regulation. It’s like a fire hose that stops the emotional mind from getting overwhelmed. We might think of a person who is able to take a deep breath when they feel stressed, or to reassure themselves of a positive outcome when they are auditioning. This calming ability happens in our frontal lobes. The orbital frontal cortex and our anterior cingulate helps us soothe ourselves by bringing to mind soothing experiences from our past. We quite literally pull into mind a comforting memory, perhaps a parent rubbing our backs when we’re scared. For someone with a panic disorder or IBS, this frontal lobe circuitry isn’t strong enough to combat the flames of anxiety.
Thus, in an IBS episode, anxiety creates inflammation in the gut either directly or via the HPA axis. In turn, the gut sends a stress signal back to the brain that there’s a problem. If not soothed, this signal triggers the HPA axis, and we release more cortisol into the gut. The changes in our levels of cortisol change our brains as well. When in a panicked state, our frontal lobes shut down in order to get to immediate safety. When this happens, our ability to soothe ourselves is inaccessible. It’s as if the raging fire destroys the few available fire hoses.
When our level of stress passes a certain point, we are unable to stop the spiral: the fire will simply exhaust itself. For those who experience IBS, this is a familiar emotional place: the depressing surrender to an uncontrollable experience.
So what can you do? How to stop the firestrom of anxiety and heal IBS
It’s common for people with IBS to simply avoid triggers. This often means making a list of foods that trigger an attack and avoiding the list as much as possible. Yet, if we think about IBS as a complex neurological pattern that doesn’t simply originate in the gut, but in the relationship between the brain and the gut, then we can start to think about healing in a different way.
1. Create a calmer baseline
Part of the reason certain foods are triggering is the fragility of your gut – the baseline level of functioning that exists. Earlier we referred to this as the “dry bed of hay” that is ready for a match to send it up in flames. What would it mean to have less fragile intestine? Part of what creates fragility in the gut is chronic stressors, or high allostatic load. Elevated cortisol changes our entire physiology. In a real way, anxiety is not simply a “feeling” that impacts IBS – it’s a bodily state.
As such, our blood flow, immune response, inflammation of gut lining, and even our gut microbiome change dramatically when cortisol is present. When our bodies are in chronic stress, our gut cannot heal. The gut stays in this permeable, inflamed, stressed state. Healing our gut doesn’t simply mean avoiding triggers, it means increasing the times when we are completely relaxed and safe. The “safe feeling” we get when we sit down to talk with a trusted friend, when we meditate or pray, or when we receive a long hug, is an indication of our physiology returning to a soothing baseline. That state is what your gut needs to reduce baseline inflammation and restore your microbiome.
2. Grow your Self-Awareness
While some triggers may be food-related, other triggers may be contextual. When looking back at recent attacks, we can wonder about larger contexts that might have created a higher cortisol response. It’s highly possible that attacks are due as much to your emotional state as the foods you eat.
If you are unaware of the cause of your anxiety, you are also unable to self-soothe. To use our fire analogy, a lack of self-awareness is akin to having a fire department that has headphones in. It can’t hear the bells going off until they reach a deafening level; until it’s too late. However, when we’re aware of our anxiety, we’re able to self-soothe before the fire starts raging. We can calm ourselves down, helping the vagus nerve to send signals to our gut that we’re safe.
Self-awareness isn’t an intellectual, but an empathetic effort.
Sometimes we can think of self-awareness as a cold process similar to cartography. For example, if we could just chart out our anxieties we could keep them in control. The real process is much more emotional. Heinz Kohut describes the process of self-awareness as “empathic inquiry”. This means visualizing, leaning in, and coming close enough to the emotions for us to feel their pain. This is a difficult and sometimes scary process to encounter alone. Often we don’t have the perspective to see ourselves. Sometimes we are simply too defended against our own pain to really feel it.
Yet our brains are meant to heal with empathy. Remember those self-soothing frontal-lobe areas we mentioned earlier? (Orbital-frontal cortex and the anterior cingulate) Those pathways aren’t just there by default. When we’re very young, the empathy and soothing we receive by our caregivers become etched in our brains. These early interactions are the pathways that we rely on throughout life to self-soothe.
Your self-soothing ability can grow. When we increase our self-awareness, our empathy for our the anxious and unsafe feelings grow. That empathy is like a fire department that can respond to a fire with soothing water before it begins to rage.
3. Reduce Chronic Anxiety
It’s been demonstrated that even momentary times of calm and peace can be overshadowed and outweighed by stressors. When we’re exposed to a stress, or multiple stressors, the injection of cortisol into your system takes a while to subside. This is called allostatic load. The moments of deep breathing or mindfulness you practice throughout the day are important, but they sadly don’t outweigh the internal stress that can keep you in a high-cortisol state.
What’s the solution? Often the biggest stressors we carry are internal beliefs that impact our entire outlook on life. There is a relationship between early traumatic experiences and later IBS symptoms. This is because like a tea bag in hot water, our childhood experiences color and impact everything we experience. Resolving IBS means experiencing the relief of working through your anxiety. Anxiety is a signal that needs attention and understanding in order to resolve.
IBS and Anxiety: You can heal your gut
We have therapists who can help you reduce chronic anxiety. Identifying triggering foods is important, but can only get you so far. The stressor that most aggravates IBS is often not specific foods, but the chronic stress and anxiety that creates a fragile gut lining. Resolving and reducing anxiety physiologically allows your gut to repair the gut lining so you can be resilient.
Reducing anxiety impacts your everyday life. Not only does it help your gut, but helps your relationships, your job performance, your sleep, and your enjoyment of life. What would it be like for you to experience freedom from anxiety? How different would your day be today if you had more peace? We want to help you get there. Contact one of our therapists who specializes in anxiety. Schedule a free consultation and see how we can help you.
My gut wrenched as I lifted myself from the bathroom floor. I looked in the mirror at my face. It was covered in hives. The hives went down my neck. I lifted my shirt to find my entire torso was covered in hot, red, itching hives. Internally, my stomach was tied in knots. What was happening to me? I had no history of allergies. I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary. And yet I had just spent to last hour on the toilet.
I had traveled to the desert to facilitate a leadership retreat. I pulled up to the AirBnB where we would all be staying, set out the chips and guacamole, and people began arriving. That’s when my scalp started itching. I ignored that until I began to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom. The people I was there to lead filled the time. Finally I mustered the strength to come out of the bathroom and ask for help. They ended up driving me to the emergency room.
When I returned home, my doctors were perplexed. The allergy tests, MRI’s, scopes, bloodwork and exams showed nothing.
Two months later, I traveled to visit family for Christmas. The night after our Christmas family dinner, I woke at 2am with hives and pain in my stomach so intense I lost consciousness. My family called an ambulance and I spent three days recovering in the hospital.
Over two years, this happened six times, all of them during a flight or visit with family. Finally, after numerous visits to doctors, I saw a therapist. Over the course of several months, we were able to explore each of these events. We began to pay attention to what my gut was signaling to me. It became clear that my body was dealing with anxiety that I had been repressing for years, anxiety I had become numb to.
Under the care of my therapist, I’ve been able to go on trips again without attacks. I am actually able to feel my anxiety now, rather than becoming crippled by it.
Today, I see my gut pain as one way that I can tell that I’m getting anxious. When my stomach begins to tighten up, I pay attention to what could be causing anxiety. In the past, my gut had to “shout” to get my attention that something was wrong. After therapy, my gut only has to tighten a little and I respond by caring for myself and asking for help.
Does serotonin make you happy? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, how hard you try, you can’t seem to get “out” of sadness. You can’t cheer yourself up, and you feel guilty about it. In this moment, we use a belief – a story – about what we should do to feel better. The false story is that serotonin, the “happiness hormone”, is to blame, and we need to find ways to increase it.
Serotonin is often referred to as the “happy chemical.” The idea is everywhere: from wellness blogs to pharmaceutical ads. But this simplified narrative leaves out something crucial. Happiness, healing, and emotional well-being are far more complex than a single brain chemical.
But here’s the catch: Serotonin does not create “happiness”, despite what you and I are told.
We’ve been sold a “mechanistic view” of serotonin. In this view, serotonin is like a lever we can pull to increase happiness. This incorrect view has led to ironically unhappy outcomes. In this blog, we’re going to look at the neurotransmitter serotonin. We’ll pull apart the assumptions that have kept us from understanding our own needs and propose a more holistic view that will help you achieve lasting happiness.
What is serotonin?
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps transmit signals between neurons in the brain. It plays a crucial role in regulating mood, appetite, sleep, and social behavior. It also triggers increased neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to adapt and learn). While serotonin is often called the “happiness hormone,” it doesn’t simply cause us to feel happy. While it’s present when we experience happiness, we have to be careful about assuming causation.
This begs a few questions about serotonin:
What is happiness?
Does serotonin make you happy?
How does serotonin work?
If I want to be happy, do I increase serotonin?
Serotonin’s is not a drug that “makes you happy“
As we begin, let’s start by reorienting our view of neurochemicals. Within a Western worldview, we tend to think dualistically about our brains. This means we tend to view our brain as something separate from our “selves”. Further, it’s a way of experiencing the self as a soul-like, unaffected entity that only interacts with our body. A Western worldview sees the brain as a mechanism that causes certain feelings and behaviors in the self.
Someone with a dualistic view of the mind might say, “because my brain was in fight or flight mode, I didn’t feel like myself.” Or again, “my serotonin made me feel happy”. In both cases, we assume two separate entities: the brain and the self. More-so, we assume a causal relationship between the brain’s activity and the self. As such, the cortisol (first example) and the serotonin (second example) “cause me” to feel a certain way. These dualistic assumptions lead to problematic understandings about our happiness. Let’s explore why.
Don’t confuse the cart with the horse, neurologically
Imagine sitting with friends and feeling a bit bored. In an effort to get into a different mood, you exclaim: “Let’s start having fun.” Unless delivered tongue-in-cheek, such a comment is almost certain to result in comically ironic discomfort. Sensing the discomfort, you insist: “Come on, really: Let’s have fun now.” Why doesn’t this work? While these friends are more than capable of having fun, fun is a byproduct, not a cause. Trying to directly infuse “fun” into the interaction misses the point.
In the same way, it’s a mistake to focus directly on increasing happiness through serotonin.
What Serotonin Really Does
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps nerve cells communicate. While it’s most commonly associated with mood, serotonin affects many parts of the body. In fact, most of the body’s serotonin lives not in the brain but in the digestive system.
In the brain, serotonin plays a role in helping people feel emotionally balanced, focused, and calm. It supports emotional regulation, which can allow a person to better cope with stress. But it doesn’t cause happiness. Instead, serotonin is part of a much larger network that helps the body and mind maintain balance.
It also plays critical roles in sleep, digestion, appetite, and even wound healing. When serotonin levels are disrupted—too low or too high—it can contribute to a wide range of symptoms, from irritability and fatigue to gastrointestinal discomfort or even serious medical complications.
What Causes Low Serotonin Levels?
There’s no single cause. Sometimes, the body doesn’t produce enough serotonin. Other times, the brain may not use it effectively. Stress, trauma, sleep disruption, poor nutrition, and chronic health conditions can all affect serotonin function. But these biological factors often exist alongside emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and past experiences that shape a person’s inner world.
The mechanical view of serotonin keeping you unhappy
A quick Google search for “serotonin and happiness” yields a number of articles that celebrate the mechanistic view of serotonin. Here are a few title and subtitle snippets you can find when searching for serotonin:
“Happy Hormones: What They Are and How to Boost Them”
“Serotonin is often described as the body’s natural feel-good chemical” “To boost the serotonin levels in your brain you should…”
“The Chemistry of Happiness: Unlock the Power of DOSE to be a happier you!” “You can also get tiny shots of serotonin by earning likes for your random social media posts. Yet that high is so short-lived that it is hardly worth it!”
In each of these examples, serotonin is treated like a drug we can mechanically increase to “make us” feel good. To be clear: this is not correct.
However, it makes sense that we’re excited by this idea. Our minds can be chaotic, frustrating, and clunky. If we could only “hack” the code we could unlock what we’ve so desperately wanted from our minds: to be content, happy, full of virtue and productivity.
We’re distrustful of biohacking happiness, at least on the silver screen
As much as we’re excited by the idea of “biohacking” our serotonin, we’re equally terrified. Movies such as The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Matrix, and The Truman Show express both the longing to artificially create happiness, and the dystopian outcomes of these efforts. These stories showcase a godlike effort to “hack” the characters’ experience of the world and effectively pacify a darker reality. Truman is given a safely controlled, domed environment partitioned away from a deceitful world. Neo is shielded from the horrors of a post-apocalyptic planet, and Clementine willfully erases painful memories to help her feel happy again. In each film, the biohack intended to produce happiness backfires. It becomes a “prison for your mind” typifying hell. In each story, the characters reject the biohack in favor of something more “true”.
The lesson? When we reverse engineer happiness, we’re not happy.
In the sections below we’ll re-understand serotonin so you can have a realistic and attainable goal for your own well-being that does not fall into the dualistic, mechanistic trap of chasing a happiness hormone.
The Myth of the “Happy Chemical”
The belief that serotonin creates happiness likely grew from the success of antidepressants, particularly SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These medications increase serotonin availability in the brain and can help some individuals manage symptoms of depression and anxiety.
However, this doesn’t mean serotonin is the single cause of these conditions or that boosting serotonin guarantees emotional well-being. Emotional healing isn’t just a matter of chemistry. It involves relationships, history, nervous system patterns, identity, and lived experience.
Relying solely on the “chemical imbalance” explanation can unintentionally reduce a person’s emotional pain to something mechanical or broken. It may also lead to disappointment when medication alone doesn’t provide lasting change.
Serotonin is not just about feeling happy. Research supports this idea.
A study by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2013 found that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” drives our urge for social connections, and that this in turn triggers the release of serotonin. This chain reaction results in a happy feeling, as serotonin activates the reward circuitry in the nucleus accumbens. A study by the University of Cambridge in 2015 found that low levels of serotonin are associated with lower self-esteem and reduced social status. This suggests that serotonin not only helps us feel connected to others but also influences how we perceive ourselves within our social networks.
Further, the research on the connection between serotonin and social belonging supports what we know about human brain evolution. The Dunbar number is the correlation between the size of a primate’s cortex (the large, energy intensive outer part of the brain) and the size of its tribe. This correlation suggests that the purpose of the cortex isn’t simply to make us “smart”, but to help us attach to a tribe.
Serotonin is a meter of our connection to others
If the need to attach to a tribe is inherent to our survival, would we expect a bodily signal – a sort of meter – that helps us sense and respond to our level of security in the tribe? The body’s answer is a neurotransmitter that responds to our level of connection with others. It’s interesting that the release of serotonin isn’t just connected to the reward centers of our brains, but also opens our brain to learning new behaviors and skills (neuroplasticity). It’s no wonder that when we sense we’re “in” a tribe we also become more moldable to its customs and skills.
Serotonin makes us feel rewarded to be included with others, and it stimulates our brains as if to say, “learn how to be useful to this group.”
This dramatically changes our approach to serotonin and happiness. Happiness itself is not just an internal “feeling”. It’s your awareness that you belong. Much like the feeling you get when you’re at a good family gathering. It’s the feeling of a campfire at the end of a hike, a running team that runs and supports each other every week, a hug with a long childhood friend, the singing of a national anthem at a sporting event, or a group prayer in a place of worship. The feeling is that of being at home.
SSRI’s aren’t all bad…
Increasing serotonin through direct means (such as SSRIs, sun exposure, etc.) still have an important roll. For some people with depression, it’s difficult to accomplish daily tasks. Much like pouring starter fluid in an engine, these methods can dramatically help a person increase their energy. The purpose of this “kick-start”, however, is to help the person build connections and belonging. The stimulation of serotonin receptors can start a positive feedback loop to generate real change.
Reading your serotonin meter
Your body’s serotonin levels swing day to day. 50% of the difference between people’s serotonin levels is a biological set-point. Of the remaining half, we experience a mix between the external world conditions, and our internal way of processing these conditions. For example, if I receive a compliment, that’s an external condition. It may contribute to an increased sense of belonging and self-esteem, thus raising my serotonin levels. But I also make sense of this external condition based on past similar experiences. If I have routinely experienced relationships as flighty or inconsistent, I may immediately reject the compliment. This augments my ability to receive the serotonin experience. In this way, our serotonin levels do not simply reflect our current external conditions. They reflect a combination of our biology, our history of experience, and our current external conditions.
What does high serotonin feel like?
High serotonin is the feeling of self-security. It’s the feeling we described above: home, connected, belonging, part of a team. It carries with it a feeling of “identity” or being grounded in my own body. It couples with the feeling of learning and curiosity. When you feel this way, your body tells you you’re safe and you’re engaged in an activity/behavior/social group that is healthy for you.
What does low serotonin feel like?
In mild cases, low serotonin feels like being bored or understimulated. In Los Angeles (where I’m writing from today), our Western individualist cultural influences tend to carry a mild but constant sense of disconnection from one another. We likely have become used to a relative dearth of connecting experiences. In such a societal structure, such experiences deprive our brains of serotonin.
On first glance, the results are what you’d expect: higher rates than the global average for depression and anxiety. But we also find some milder but common experiences that we come to see as normal. Existential dread, meaninglessness, isolation, and high levels of alcohol and caffeine consumption point to our difficulty coping with adequate social connection.
Low serotonin feels a bit empty. Think of the feeling of “FOMO”, or the experience of waiting for a friend that’s taking too long to show up. It feels uncomfortable. These uncomfortable feelings are your serotonin levels dropping in response to less social connection. Similar to our bodies producing the experience of hunger when we have a need for food, our bodies produce the feeling of loneliness when we’re feeling outside of the circle of our social connections.
How to respond to low serotonin levels
If we focus not on increasing serotonin directly, but listening to our level of serotonin as a social connection meter, we can find new solutions. As we mentioned before, there are two ways we can respond to increase our connections (and therefore serotonin levels): The first is to change our external conditions, the second is to create new ways of making meaning out of those experiences.
Change your external conditions
Let’s start with changing our external conditions. This is usually where we want to start to create a change.
Coffee Shop Habit. Create normal, small, daily interactions with others you know. One way to do this is to show up at a coffee shop at the same time a few days per week. See if you spot familiar faces. Simply learning a person’s name can help you feel socially connected. Accordingly, other spaces might be a gym or grocery store. Be consistent, patient, and open (maybe no headphones).
Call a Parent/Grandparent. Checking in with an attachment figure can help you feel connected again. For example, call someone just to say hi. If you have a trusting relationship with a parent or grandparent, a short call can remind you that you belong.
Call instead of text. Hearing a person’s voice and tone can help you feel connected. This normal, everyday, constant way of being connected is quite low in our digital age.
Go somewhere social for work. As much as traffic can be inconvenient, studies have shown the social and mental health benefits of being in a social setting for work. For example, if an in-person office is inaccessible, consider setting up shop at a local coffee shop (checking off tip #1 and $4 in one swoop!)
Schedule regular interactions with friends. Having a scheduled time can help you mind positively anticipate a meeting, thus giving benefits to your social mind before and after the gathering. Some people join a book club, or a CrossFit gym, or a religious study group. Focus on small gatherings, between 3-8 people, and it can be helpful to have an intention besides simply catching up. Play a board game, read a book together, or go on a run.
Is It Possible to Boost Serotonin Naturally?
Yes, but again, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Activities like getting sunlight, exercising, eating tryptophan-rich foods, and reducing stress can all support serotonin levels. Therapy itself may play a role as well, through emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and improved sleep and self-care.
These practices are not replacements for medication when it’s needed, but they are powerful supports for overall well-being. The most effective approach often blends biological, psychological, and relational care.
Serotonin, Trauma, and the Nervous System
People with trauma often experience dysregulation in their nervous system, feeling chronically unsafe, hypervigilant, or emotionally numb. This state can affect the brain’s ability to use or produce serotonin effectively.
Trauma-informed therapy focuses not just on mood symptoms, but on rebuilding a sense of safety in the body and mind. Healing trauma may, over time, support the brain’s natural chemistry — but more importantly, it restores the capacity to feel, connect, and live fully.
How Therapy Helps Beyond Chemistry
While serotonin affects emotional regulation, therapy provides the structure to address what chemicals alone cannot: the underlying causes of emotional pain.
Therapy helps:
Make sense of past experiences
Recognize patterns of thinking and behavior
Strengthen self-compassion and emotional resilience
Create new, healthier ways of relating to others
Calm the nervous system through relational safety
These are all things serotonin alone cannot do. When combined with lifestyle changes or medication when appropriate, therapy offers a complete path toward healing and integration.
Healing Is Relational
Serotonin plays a role in mood, but healing from depression, anxiety, or trauma doesn’t come from one molecule. It comes from connection. From telling the truth in a space where it’s safe to do so. From working with someone who knows how to listen beneath the surface.
Therapy is more than symptom relief. It’s a process of integration. Of coming back to yourself. Of understanding what shaped you and beginning to rewire patterns that no longer serve you.
There’s room for medication in this journey. But there’s also room for something deeper: healing through relationship, presence, and insight.
Changing our internal condition
Much more important than the external conditions is our history of experience with the world. Long ago, these experiences dug the channels through which our current experiences flow. While changing our external conditions is important, real change happens when we can see the network of “channels” we hold, and form new pathways. If we do not do this, our external experiences may never yield internal relief.
This process of creating new pathways happens naturally as we experience empathy and awareness. Simply by talking about our internal process, noticing it, understanding how we came to feel these ways, our minds begin to form new pathways that help us take in our current experience. It’s a bit like having a nightmare, where talking about it helps you to see it for the dream it is, separate from your current reality.
That’s what we do. We have therapists who can help you build new serotonin pathways so you can create change in your life.
Serotonin is much more than just a “happiness hormone.” It plays a crucial role in our social connections, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being. By understanding its complex relationship with our social lives, genetic factors, and our internal and external conditions, we can take proactive steps to build strong and wide social connections to naturally boost our serotonin levels. So go ahead and start building those connections – your serotonin levels will thank you.
Times around the Holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. With the joy and excitement around this time of year, there may also be anxiety and the anticipation of hard conversations with family members and loved ones. We have all felt that pressure, regardless of dynamics, connecting with loved ones can be difficult.
However, maybe it’s about reframing your mindset around these talks. Instead of assuming it will be hard or uncomfortable, why not go into these environments with a few topic ideas? Let’s give a few tips and tricks for navigating your holiday conversations.
Choose your Holiday audience wisely.
It may not be beneficial to talk to your conservative uncle about the political climate as it always results in tension or resentment. Go into conversation knowing that the other is a safe person for you, even if that circle is small.
How do you choose who is safe? Ask yourself these questions before the gathering:
Who here makes me feel heard?
Where do I feel cared for?
Am I accepted by this person?
Pick topics that add connection than isolation around the table.
There’s not an issue talking about what you do for a living or if you’re in a relationship, but these kinds of questions can feel singular and dry and somewhat uncomfortable to answer. Adding in some vulnerability offers an open space for warmth and connection, without feeling too pointed.
Asking questions with intention can sound like this:
Who in your life are you enjoying time with?
What are you finding fulfillment in these days?
What activities have you been excited about lately?
Small talk topics don’t have to be so forced.
Personally, small talk bores me and I can’t bring myself to tune into what the other person is saying. Questions about the weather or latest news only get you so far. But small talk can be intriguing and fun if you take a different take on questions.
Taking an interest in the lives of others with small talk questions like these:
Ask about their routines!
Their morning or evening routines create a layer of connection and you may find some inspiration to try something new in your own routines.
Low stake debates.
Do you think the Nightmare Before Christmas is a Christmas movie or a Halloween? What fashion trends should never come back in style? Asking fun, engaging questions lightens tension and feels inclusive with others.
Heres thebottom line.
Holidays can feel hard when we let our anxiety, past interactions, or history outweigh what’s in front of us. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep the energy in a room flowing but it is your responsibility to manage your own.
If all of this feels overwhelming, if the holidays are painful for you, please reach out to our offices to set up a consultation. After all, the Holidays are meant to be spent in community and we hope to be here for you.
I know it might sound a little wild but finding a therapist is a lot like dating. Think about it: you go through the classic online searches and scrolls, you ask your peers if they have anyone in mind, and you spend a considerable amount of time and money getting to know potential prospects in the hopes that something clicks.
“Therapy can be an important investment in your mental health. Finding the right therapist will benefit you immeasurably for life.”
If you have felt like the journey to find “the one” has been overwhelming and seemingly impossible, you are not alone. There are plenty of things that do not work when finding a therapist. However there are some great things that do! Below are three tips to help you find that match for you:
Knowing what to look for in a therapist can feel never ending. Let’s narrow it down!
1.) Get clear about what you are hoping to find in therapy.
There are many different types of therapy to choose from and some may not work for your needs. Even if your friend swears by their therapist, your needs may be different. It’s important to ask yourself questions before getting out there to search.
These questions can sound like:
What trauma am I needing to heal? Whats my reasoning for seeking therapy?
What kinds of therapy are helpful to that healing?
Am I in a place where I can accept hard truths about myself?
Bottom line here is that we know ourselves well enough to know when something feels off. It’s important to take time to process these feelings and experiences as you start your search. Use this time for self reflection and make a list of needs!
Your needs are important to your healing
2.) Search for a therapist based on your area of need.
Now that you have answered those harder personal questions, it’s time to start your search. Begin by researching clinicians in your area and narrow down a few that look promising and call to set up a few consultations.
Here are some helpful links to reference in your search:
It’s okay to date around here! Make a few appointments with different people, schedule a second if you feel comfortable. At the end of the day, it’s more about how you feel about them than how you think they are viewing you. Ask about their practices, their training and be clear with them about what you’re expecting from your experience.
Look for a therapist, not just therapy
3.) Understanding that therapy is not a one size fits all
Hard to believe, but not every therapist will work for you. Like dating, you may think they are nice to talk to but if they are not able to provide what you are needing in order to grow, it’s okay to move on. It can be a timely process so remember to be patient and understanding with yourself and others as you navigate this journey.
Once you find a therapist that clicks with you, it’s time for the harder work to begin. Therapy is not the end of a healing journey but the very beginning. It won’t always feel good and it can be hard to hear what your therapist has to say.
Maybe framing it this way will be helpful:
“You don’t go to therapy, you go to a therapist. Ultimately, it is not the manual used treatment that will be helpful and meaningful to you, it will be a specific person who has walked through this journey with you.”
The goal of therapy is to walk away knowing you have taken the proper steps to care for your mental health. Finding a therapist that aims to guide you in that journey, makes all the difference.
