COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

  • “Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
  • “Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
  • “Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan
Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

LEARN ABOUT MANDI

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COVID, Healthy Relationships

Therapy from home: Three things you should be doing as a couple while quarantined

Written by Here Counseling

With all the changes in our lives due the coronavirus and quarantine, our relationships are going to feel the strain. You are likely going to have more conflicts with your partner, simply by being around them more often. You also have the opportunity to deepen your relationship- therapy from home.

In difficult times, our relationships can get stronger

To really take advantage of this time, I want to invite you to take three steps to improve your relationship while in quarantine.

Increase the good stuff

The Gottman Institute, one of the leading sources of research and intervention about relationships, says we want five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction. Keeping it that way leads to a more stable and happy relationship, and reduces the likelihood of divorce.

Find a couple small things to do for your spouse daily:

  • Leave each other kind notes
  • Take care of a chore
  • Ask about their day
  • Hug for 15-20 seconds
  • Dress up and have a date

Make a fight plan

It’s going to happen. Plan ahead for what you’re going to do in an emotional fight, keeping in mind that your previous strategies may not be options.

Plan for:

  • Who gets what space if you need a break
  • How long you’ll take a break
  • Coping ahead, or making time to cope before you are even upset
  • Checking in each day so you don’t go to bed angry

For more specific ideas on conflict, check out my colleague Connor McClenahan’s video on how to resolve an argument – he walks you through a step by step approach to hearing one another well and resolving the real underlying issue. You can find it on our Covid-19 resources page.

Engage in couples counseling

Whether your relationship is feeling tumultuous right now or you recognize that quarantine is a good time to brush up on your conflict resolution skills, couples counseling can help. Couples counseling can build on your existing strengths, help you grow in those areas of difficulty, and provide a place to flush out any disagreements that you struggled to come to a resolution on.

At Here Counseling, we are still providing in-office sessions and can also provide couples counseling over telehealth, so whatever your comfort-level is with leaving the house, we can still meet you where you’re at. Reach out today to see a stronger marriage during a difficult time.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
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Managing emotions

Dissolve Self-Criticism with these 3 steps

Written by Here Counseling

You find yourself having grace and patience with people in your life but when it comes to giving those gifts to yourself… you are sure out of luck. As the current of life continues on it’s quick, unforgiving pace it is easy to be swept up in rigid expectations of self; expectations to be the most gracious mother, the most lovable husband, the most understanding employee.

But if we fail, cue the downward spiral of negative self talk.

How you talk to yourself matters…

When we think harsh and negative thoughts about ourselves, we fail to acknowledge our humanness. Sounds silly right? But how many times do you simply assume your energy will keep up with a calendar full of events and then get irritated when it doesn’t? We are so busy “doing” that we forget that

  1. We are only human and
  2. Other factors may be looming in the background

Like that hard phone call you took last week that is depleting you of your joy. Or that miscarriage ten years ago that still leaves you with feelings of isolation and defeat. Or that promotion you were passed up for that follows you around like a shadow. 

When you take a step back, take into account all factors of your “here and now,” it may give you the chance to softly say “I am only human.” The way you talk to yourself matters and being gentle with your thoughts could give you freedom to ultimately feel, heal, and deal.

Could you imagine…

Could you imagine what your life would look like if you offered a little bit of grace to yourself? To-do lists are stacked high and people are depending on you but at the end of the day, you remain human, a human that is only capable of so much.

Being more gracious with yourself will bring awareness to the fact that you are a human being with emotions, breaking points and capacities. Allow space for the ebb and flow of navigating the complexity of each day so that unrealistic expectations of self can be lowered.

So where do we start? Here are a few ways to be more gracious with yourself.

1. Acknowledge what’s on your plate.

Grab a pen and paper and make a list of all the stress-inducing things on your mind. Make sure to analyze all aspects of life: family, friends, health, work, faith, romance, social circles, recreational activities, finances, etc.

Now, take a step back and look at this list. If you were consoling a friend with this list, what might you tell them? Jot that down at the bottom of the page.

Would you reassure them that there is A LOT on their plate? Maybe tell them to have some grace with themselves? Try to acknowledge that you too, have many things to attend to and you are doing the very best that you can in this moment. You are only human.

2. Learn to forgive yourself.

Rumination is a term used to describe when an individual is “stuck” on a hurtful offense by another person and continues to replay the offense without offering up true forgiveness. This act of rumination has been linked to individuals developing anxiety, depression and eating disorders (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2011). This unhealthy coping mechanism does not serve you in a positive way.

Any past regret or mistake that was made, intentionally or unintentionally, you were doing the best that you could with the cognitive tools you had in that moment; you were learning. It is now a lesson learned. The best way to defeat a mistake made, is to try and make sure that lesson does not go unlearned in the future. Forgive yourself and find freedom from rumination. Remember, again, you are only human.

3. Celebrate the small victories.

You may not be where you want to be yet. However, look at the small steps you are making towards that goal. Set aside time today to share your small victories with a close friend, a spouse, or loved ones. Sometimes we need words of encouragement from others and sometimes we simply need to be our own cheerleader and celebrate the personal achievements. Not all things can be done perfectly, all at one time. Life is complex with many moving parts but make time to celebrate the small victories, they matter.

Mandi Duncan, CMHC Trainee
Mandi Duncan, CMHC Trainee

I help people with depression find new habits that provide hope.

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COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy at Home: Moving through Meaninglessness

Written by Here Counseling

During quarantine, many of us have felt not like ourselves, including feeling unproductive, lonely, bored, easily emotional, or lacking in meaning. To understand why this may be, we’re going to review Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow theorized that we are initially motivated by the lowest or most basic need. As those needs are met, we move up the hierarchy to more complex needs. However, if a need is not met, the motivation for that need increases until it is met, and it will end up taking our focus away from higher levels.

Before we review these needs, take a moment and brainstorm what are the top things that are taking your energy right now, or maybe another way of phrasing it would be your top worries. We’ll use the list to see where on the hierarchy those worries fall.

Our first needs are physiological, such as food, shelter, and water. Many of us, I hope, are still doing ok here. The next one is safety, which focuses on stability, employment, finances, health, resources. I’m going to guess your list had a lot of these kinds of problems on it. Our resources have changed, our employment has changed, we may be in financial risk, and we may feel scared of getting sick.

The coronavirus has caused most of us to focus on this basic need. That means a lot of our energy and motivation will be on trying to resolve these issues. Hopefully we can take advantage of some of that motivation to resolve what we can in terms of reviewing finances and making smart hygiene choices. However, some of the issues we can’t resolve, like finding a cure or ending a shelter-in-place order, which means our motivation and focus will get stuck here. That also means we will have less motivation for needs higher up on the hierarchy.

The next need is love, belonging, friendship, and connection. This may be hard to access right now for some. We may find ourselves fighting with loved ones more often, or feeling like we are lonely and struggle to feel connected with others. You may not have as much motivation or energy to put into those relationships.

The next few are esteem, cognitive needs (meaning to feel curious, want to explore or learn), and aesthetic needs (meaning to appreciate beauty). This entails feeling good about ourselves, or feeling confident and strong. When we’re here, engaging in work or a preferred activity feels fun, freeing, and like it’s building you up. If we don’t have motivation to explore, grow, or work, it may be harder to get things done. That may lead to feeling stressed and incompetent, or bored and unfulfilled by those tasks that usually give you energy.

Lastly is self-actualization and transcendence, which involves seeking to be the best version of ourselves, or finding meaning in the world around us. This may include spiritual journeys or exploring questions of identity. Again, without as much energy or motivation to go here, you may feel disappointed in what feels like a lack of growth in these areas.

So what do we do about it?

If so much of our energy is now being diverted to feeling safe, and we can’t change a lot of what’s making us feel unsafe, how do we move forward?

Firstly, I would invite you to be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling. I think that’s hard for many of us, because we have a certain standard of accomplishment that we hold ourselves to, and kindness can feel like weakness. I would challenge you to push back against that standard by remembering that this is a completely unprecedented event in your life. It’s ok to be upset, it’s ok to do less, and it’s ok to be kind to yourself.

The next thing I’m going to invite you to do is to find other ways of helping you feel safe. Remember when you were a kid, and you got scared, maybe from a nightmare? What did you seek? Again, take a moment and jot down some things you may have turned to.

When you’re looking at your list, maybe you wrote down the warm comfort of a blanket or favorite stuffed animal. Maybe it was a cup of hot cocoa and a favorite movie. A favorite song, smell, or taste. We are usually soothed by connecting with our five senses. One way of dealing with feeling unsafe would be to find a physical way of coping.

The other thing you probably did is you went to a safe person, like your parent or a sibling. Though love and belonging is the next need above safety, I think it’s worth putting in that extra effort to connect with the life-giving relationships in your life. Social support is a key way of coping in difficult times. This may not be the time to try and reconcile with a difficult family member, but it’s a great time to call friends and family who make you feel loved and safe, and for whom you can provide that in return.

Lastly, it’s important that we remind ourselves that this is not our reality forever. It can be easy to forget that these feelings will end, and so will this pandemic. Maybe write down a reminder somewhere you will see it – this too shall pass.

Maybe as I’ve reviewed these ideas today, you got stuck somewhere along the way. Maybe it was difficult to think of things that calm you, or you could only think of things that have some negative consequences attached, like emotional eating or substance use.
Maybe you struggled to get past that self-critical voice telling you to do more. Maybe you’ve noticed that the conflict in your relationships has gotten to be more than you can handle. If that’s you, reach out for therapy today. Yes, this will pass, but it doesn’t have to be so difficult, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

We’re all in this together. This too shall pass.

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions

Therapy from Home: Practicing Serenity During Quarantine Chaos

Written by Here Counseling

When faced with what we cannot control, we can often feel stressed, aimless, and defeated. Sometimes we then try numbing ourselves with things like junk food, Netflix, or alcohol. A single chocolate bar won’t hurt, but relying on these to cope can end up leading to bigger problems long term in terms of dependency issues or not reaching our goals.

In these times of difficulty, I’ve found myself turning to an old saying: seeking to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Some of my material is adapted from Marsha Linehan’s work on Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can find more of her material on her website.

If you can solve it, solve it

When we feel defeated, we need some wins. So ask yourself – what are some small things I can change today to make my world a little better?

We can also do a lot to help in terms of our physical health – and being physically unwell can make us more vulnerable to intense emotion. Try:

• Balancing your eating, and limiting binge snacking
• Setting up a sleep routine
• Limiting or avoiding substance use
• Take any medications prescribed to you
• Go on a walk or exercise at home
• Reach out to a friend who you can confide in, or a friend who makes you laugh

It can be easy to get stuck

Sometimes when people face tough problems, they feel upset, but they don’t do anything to help themselves feel better, or they act impulsively and hurt themselves or others. This is also going to keep you stuck in even more pain and suffering than you were in before, and keep you from moving forward.

Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

If we can’t make things better, and we don’t want to make things worse, we are left with accepting reality as it is. Sometimes we mix up acceptance and complacency, or giving up.

Acceptance does not mean:
• That you like it
• That you deserve it
• That you don’t try to change what you can

Acceptance means we open our hands and our hearts to whatever the day may bring: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We allow the world to be as it is, instead of numbing ourselves so we don’t see it.

Don’t do this alone

Now is the time to come together with loved ones. Reach out to a trusted friend, check in on your family members, and get in contact with a therapist, especially if you’re finding yourself using impulsive actions or numbing to get through quarantine. We’re all in this together – reach out today.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
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COVID, Managing emotions

COVID-19 Helpful Blog Articles

Written by Here Counseling

This post is a list of blogs that I’ve come across and thought were worth sharing. I’ve included a brief snapshot of each article and organized them by topic. I’ll continue to update this page as I come across articles worth sharing. Also, be sure to check out blog posts from the clinicians at Here Counseling.

Working from Home

6 Relationship Tips From a Therapist on Dealing With Covid-19 Stress

A couples therapist in SF describes how common problems arise from being in close proximity with your significant other for extended periods of time. She writes that these common problems are exacerbated by the stress and anxiety of the COVID-19 epidemic, and she provides 6 excellent suggestions for how to navigate the stress and proximity together. Getting ahead of the virus’ potential impact on our relationships should be part of any good coronavirus readiness plan, so this is a great article to help with adapting.

How To Be A Happy And Productive Remote Worker

This blog is pretty id-depth and will appeal to those who are in middle management, as well as a team member. It comes from the folks at Trello, who has their entire team working remotely and are very experienced in it (they even wrote a book about it and it link it at the bottom of the blog, if you want a copy). This is a great article if you think you might be working from home for the next couple of months or longer.

A Remote Work Guide, For Parents

Also from the Trello team, this blog is one of the better ones I’ve read for parents working from home. The author discusses how to manage your children’s expectations about their parents being at home and develop great routines. My favorite suggestion is one my clients / patients hear from me a lot: wake up at the same time everyday. Maintaining routines requires extra effort but it is even more important when there is less accountability. 

Does Remote Work Increase Our Risk Of Impostor Syndrome?

Last one from Trello (they have a great blog with more you can check out at blog.trello.com)! Moving to remote work is an adjustment in our personal routines but it is also an adjustment in how we view workplace etiquitte and time management. This blog does a great job presenting these problems and providing useful solutions. For instance, if you’re struggling with writing an email for fear of your tone being misunderstood, see if you can schedule a quick FaceTime to get the message across the way you’re most comfortable.

Emotional Wellbeing

Five Ways to View Coverage of the Coronavirus

This blog comes from the American Psychological Association and is brief and to the point. It is a great read for folks feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Five Easy Ways You and Your Family Can Fight Stress During the Coronavirus Outbreak

This blog introduces the “COVID-19 Five-a-day,” which, as the author puts it, “is a set of five daily goals that you and your family can implement, based on global research on resilience and coping with adversity.” Tips provided in this blog are based on research from the effects of isolation, and if you want to find out more, there is a link at the bottom of the webpage.

Talking to Children about Illness

This is a fantastic guide released by the British Psychological Association that details how to discuss the Coronavirus with your children. It details the needs of children at different developmental stages, what they may say or do, and exactly what you an do to help. This guide is for parents of children age 0-18. Also look at this article and video from our very own Ashley Holcomb, PsyD about how to talk to your children about the coronavirus.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD

I help people with depression feel less weighed down, and more in control of their emotions, so they can feel relief.

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COVID, Parenting

Therapy from Home: Talking to Your Kids about the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.

It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.

Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.

Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.

Don’t Say Nothing

Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.

Talk to them about:

  • What the coronavirus is
  • What symptoms may look like in a child
  • How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
  • Emphasize that your family will be ok
    • For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
    • For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
  • How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
  • Their feelings
  • Things they can do to help
  • For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child

Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.

For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.

Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.

Don’t Say Everything

While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.

One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.

Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.

What if I don’t know the answer?

It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.

Will you do me a favor?

Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
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Managing emotions, Testing and Assessment

Depression Test – Is this depression?

Written by Here Counseling

Everyone goes through difficult seasons of life, but there is a difference between a bad season and an episode of depression.  Do you know the signs of depression?

Depression is one of the most common mental health diagnoses in the United States, with an estimated 17.3 million adults and 3.3 million adolescents having had least one depressive episode in 2017 (NIMH).  Despite being so prevalent, a depressive episode can be one of the most isolating times in a person’s life, and its impacts can be far-reaching and devastating.

What is depression?

Though there are different kinds of depression, most depression begins with a similar set of symptoms.

Common symptoms may include:

  • Feeling sad, empty, and/ or irritable
  • Not feeling interested in things you once enjoyed, like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and/ or sex
  • Difficulty getting things done, following through on tasks, and/ or focusing
  • Trouble with sleep, appetite, weight, and/or fatigue
  • Thoughts of hurting yourself

(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 2013)

Who can give me a depression test?

Though you may be able to recognize these signs for yourself, it may be helpful to get a diagnosis from a therapist or doctor.  According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 35% of adults and 60% of adolescents never get treatment for depression.  Talking to a professional about your diagnosis can help you get a diagnosis and then get linked to treatment.

Because there are different types of depression, an online depression test may not be able to help you understand what you are experiencing or what to do next.  A depression test with a professional may help provide those answers and next steps.

If depression is common, do I really need treatment?

Despite being so common, depression can have a massive impact on your daily life, leading to:

  • Missing work/ school
  • Not making deadlines for work/ school
  • Feeling disconnected from loved ones
  • Not making progress or keeping up with other valued life areas, like finances
  • Turning to substance use to try and stop the pain

In turn, these problems lead to a negative response from the people around you.  This criticism, and the feeling of falling more and more behind, can start to feel like you’re never going to get out.

What do I do if I think I have depression or want a depression test?

There are a lot of successful treatments for depression, including different types of talk therapy and medication.  But sometimes it’s hard to know where to start.

  • Reach out to a therapist today to schedule a session and learn more about if depression treatment may be helpful for you
  • Talk to your doctor about whether you are a candidate for medication, as well as the pros and cons of medications

For some of you, it may be helpful to request testing for depression.  A depression test may be helpful for those of you who:

  • You are not sure if you are experiencing depression
  • You see some of your symptoms here, but don’t think depression is the full picture
  • You’ve been in treatment for depression, but aren’t seeing the progress you like

Reach out today to start your journey toward healing by scheduling an initial therapy appointment or a depression test.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

LEARN ABOUT ASHLEY
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COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Your Brain on COVID-19

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling unsure of how to respond in times like these can lead to panicky decisions while we seek control in an out of control world. In this blog, I respond to a CNBC article about the panic-shopping and panic-investing we are witnessing. I’ll go over the processes underlying our behavior and how you can help yourself cope.

Hoarding Hoardes

In this article published by CNBC, the author discusses how panic leads to problematic decisions like hoarding and divesting from the stock market. The author found out that the panic sweeping the nation in grocery stores and the stock market is a result of human behavior during panic. In times of panic, we seek to preserve ourselves by hoarding necessities and pulling our cash out of investments. If the behavior seems primitive, it’s because it is. We are using a brain that dates back about 150,000 years and trying to use it to cope and decide about markets that are only about 100 years old and a society that is less than 250 years old. It is worsened by the fact that fear can be contagious, so if you see someone piling up canned goods, it sends off fear signals in your brain that you may be the one without if you don’t act quickly. According to the article, it is best to sit down and take stock of your emotions and separate from your decision-making by talking to experts, such as a financial planner. They may be able to provide rationality or have experience in sharp economic downturns. 

It’s All Normal to Feel

You’ve probably felt your heart start racing or palms sweating as you started to look for your car keys and reusable grocery bags in a last ditch effort to get what you can at the grocery. Maybe you’ve thought of cashing out of the stock market or pulling cash out of the bank. It’s all normal to feel but the big problem is thinking we’ve made the best decision when to pull out cash or hoard toilet paper.

As the article mentions, our brains are an old system that dates back about 150,000 years ago. If you can imagine a primitive human staring in awe, mouth agape, at a TV displaying cable news of the COVID-19 crisis (let’s assume the human speaks English), it is easy to also imagine that person frantically grabbing at necessities, pushing people over to get to them, and grunting to intimidate others. Fear is contagious and no one wants to be the one without enough supplies if circumstances become so dire.

When we acknowledge that we have the same brain, the panicky response of the masses seems more understandable.

Most people pulling money out of the bank or stock market are focusing on preserving what they have. This emotional reaction has the power to override an established financial plan and cause people to “get out.” Imagine our friend, the primitive human, with a pile of resources, seeing the panic on TV, and attempting to protect his pile – not too different from us, again.

Stockpiling is a legitimate coping response that will probably result in reducing your stress but only if done responsibly.

Ineffective Coping Makes Things Worse

Buying enough canned goods for a couple of weeks of self-quarantine is realistic, but racking up a credit card bill you cannot afford for food and toilet paper you cannot store is a poor choice that will lead to more stress and worry. Standing in line for hours at Costco talking to other people who are reacting to panic is likely increase your stress, too. Also, hoarding means there will be less for others, especially the vulnerable that aren’t able to travel to the store or afford to buy in large quantities.

6 Things You Can Do to Cope

  1. Talk to others. Take time to talk to others via FaceTime and gain other perspectives and socialize without leaving your house.
  2. Turn off news notifications on your phone. You have plenty of other things you can do on there. Play a game or do something more active, such as drawing or journaling.
  3. Limit watching the news on TV. Maybe you only watch the evening local news broadcast and leave it at that. Instead, watch movies or play video games.
  4. Visit the grocery at off-peak times. If you must go, go when fewer people will be there to reduce your panicky feelings. Go with a list and only buy what you need. Essentials will remain available, even in a major shutdown (i.e.: Spain)
  5. Talk to a therapist. You knew I would suggest it, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed we are here. I can’t make it all go away or run your errands but I can help you gain perspective and work on symptom management in the meantime.
  6. Explore your state’s COVID-19 website. For example, California (where I practice) has a website that helps folks understand how the government is responding and protecting your future. For those worried about their finances, the site includes details about paid leave and short-term disability options that can help calm financial worries.
Put simply, do not stimulate yourself with stressful images and words. It is one thing to be informed, it is another to be overwhelmed and inundated in a way our 150,000 year-old brains aren’t great at handling.

When to Seek Professional Help

Give the tips above a try and if you’re noticing yourself struggling to cope effectively it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. Connecting with another person that is nonjudgmental is an opportunity to reflect and honestly analyze your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Protecting the future for you and yours is a common reason people invest, so times like this feel existential. It’s important to check with your financial advisor about how to best stick to your plan or hire a financial planner to help develop a plan that includes contingencies for times like these. Writing down the things you are anxious about and seeing if there is a simple solution is useful step to take.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD
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Anxiety, COVID

Dealing with Anxiety in the Age of the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

With the coronavirus on everyone’s minds, social media pages, and news channels, it’s a scary world out there.

“Should I buy more toilet paper?”

“Is this runny nose a symptom?”

“What if my kids’ school closes?”

“How will I pay my bills if I can’t work or run out of sick days?”

Many of us are feeling anxious and unclear about what the coronavirus may mean for our health, our loved ones, and our finances.  Some are taking to stocking up on paper goods, while others post silly memes to mock them in an attempt to bring some balance.  Plenty are avoiding the news all-together.

Though having anxiety about the coronavirus does not necessarily mean having an anxiety disorder, we can use some of the same lessons we learn from managing anxiety to manage our corona-stress.

Neither panic nor avoidance will make your stress go away.

When we avoid something stressful, it never really goes away, it simply gets pushed down.  Then, when we are most tired, irritable, or even hungry, it pops back up as anger, panic, stomach pain, sleep problems, etc.  Panic and avoidance are actually two sides of the same coin.

Your anxiety is there for a reason

Your body and brain were made to help you avoid bad things happening!  If you see a wild bear coming toward you, and your brain and body do not become afraid or anxious, you don’t run away in time!  Anxiety is meant to help you see possible threats in order to do something about them.

So what should I do about it?

As difficult as it may be, we all have to stay aware of what is going on in our communities.  That doesn’t mean reading every story about it online or following how they handle it in Italy – this means knowing what is happening in your community now, and any CDC recommendations or governmental regulations for your area.  Get educated about how the virus works, from reputable specialists.  Start with the CDC Website and start one article at a time, making sure to take breaks in between if you start to feel overwhelmed.  It can be tempting when we start to read every article and go down every rabbit hole, but try to limit yourself to just what you need to know to be safe.

Ok, I’m educated and prepared – what now?

It is in times when we do not know the outcome, and in which the things we care about feel at risk, that we must turn toward our values and our loved ones.  Pick one of these things you can do today:

  • Spend time with your family
  • Call an elderly family member
  • Play a game with your kids
  • Pray, meditate, or engage in another spiritual
    practice, if that is comfortable for you
  • Be a little kinder to your neighbor
  • Do the things that make you feel like your best
    self

If you find that your stress is overwhelming you, reach out for support to a loved one or consider talking to a therapist.  We’re all in this together – let this be a time where we lean into what matters.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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