Parenting Archives

So your child is acting out at home: Why that’s normal and what you can do today

Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:

Crying more easily
Difficulty calming down
Talking back
Blowing up at something small

While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.

Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?

School from home
More time with siblings
Different day care routine
Changes in soccer practice
Not able to see friends from school

Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors.

1. Increase one-on-one time with your child

Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.

If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.

Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule.

2. Prioritize expectations

The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.

Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:

Get ready for school on time
Pay attention to class online
Complete assignments
Brush teeth
Not fighting with sister
Etc.

What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now.

Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.

Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything.

3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out

Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.

Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked. Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV.

Remember that consequences work best if

Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!

The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in.

For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation!

You Got This!

Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.

This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills!

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Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder playing with father

Managing emotions, Parenting

Calming Your Child’s Fear about the Fires

Written by Connor McClenahan

With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again.

Why Do Children Fear Fire?

A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).

How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?

1. Listen for Specific Fears

The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.

You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.

2. Talk through Big Feelings

Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.

For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.

3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire

Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.

For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire.

Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe. Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.

4. Reduce Exposure to the News

The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.

As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!

Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire

Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.

When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless

Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.

Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)

Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:

Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.”
Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
Mistake: Sharing too many details.
Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
Mistake: Letting news play constantly.
Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.

FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children

Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:

What are signs my child is afraid of fire?
Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
How can I teach fire safety without scaring them?
Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
When should I get professional help?
If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.

Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire

For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:

Our Pasadena Therapists

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COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

“Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
“Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
“Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

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COVID, Parenting

Therapy from Home: Talking to Your Kids about the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.

It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.

Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.

Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.

Don’t Say Nothing

Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.

Talk to them about:

What the coronavirus is
What symptoms may look like in a child
How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
Emphasize that your family will be ok
- For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
- For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
Their feelings
Things they can do to help
For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child

Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.

For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.

Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.

Don’t Say Everything

While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.

One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.

Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.

What if I don’t know the answer?

It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.

Will you do me a favor?

Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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Parenting