Parenting

Why won’t my teenager talk to me?

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Being able to tune in to what your teenagers needs will help break the silence in your relationship.

Your teenager has always been moody.  It seems like this is just expected to be a part of this passage into adolescence.  However, it can feel confusing to suddenly notice things seem even more frustrating as your teen is now hardly talking to you at all.   

You may find yourself re-thinking things you’ve said or done that may have caused your teen to be pulling back and feeling distant.  These thoughts can sound like this:

  • Was it something I did?
  • Did I say the wrong thing?
  • Have I not done enough? 

Maybe it isn’t one thing that you said or did that has caused your teen to be withdrawing. 

It’s important to remember that teens are going through a lot of changes.  They are beginning to develop their own sense of self, which includes a natural tendency of withdraw in their quest for autonomy.  

Yet, the response of silence and withdrawal in your teen may also be linked to a natural human tendency for self protection. This is linked with our natural fight and flight response.  

Withdraw is often a part of our natural defense function that turns on as a way to protect ourselves when some kind of threat or danger is perceived. 

This response is common when something within us senses uncertainty in our ability to support ourselves in the face of difficulties or conflict.  The sense that we may not be have the strength or resources to be able to stand up and win, our internal emotional radar will instead choose to flee as a way to stay safe.  

This silencing or withdrawing comes out of your teenager’s sense of threat of danger to their sense of safety and security.

Your teen’s silence may simply be their way of letting you know that they want to feel safe enough to talk to you.

Your teens silence may be their way of letting you know that there is something they are needing to feel loved and safe. Take their silence as a nudge to access their needs.

It may be that there are some ways you may be talking to your teen that in turn may have your teen closing down and getting quiet.  

Even though it might look like your teenager doesn’t need you or want you around, they do need you.  They need your support and care – and deeply desire to know that you are there for them to provide the care they need for what they are going through.  

Tuning in to your teenagers need to feel heard, valued and supported are essential to giving your teen what they need most.

Take time to hear what your teen has to say.

Your teenager is going through a lot of self development and exploration. Teens are still in the developing stages and their choices and interests may at times seem very confusing to you, yet allowing your teen to feel heard is one of their deepest needs. 

A helpful tip:

  • Shift away from responses of problem solving and instead toward that of allowing your teenager to share and express themselves to you. By simply listening and reflecting what it is you are hearing you teen is sharing with you will go a long way in creating a space for them to continue to develop a sense of safety and openness.

Allow your teen to feel valued for who they are.

Your teenager is learning to explore and express themselves in the world.  All the while, they are asking a deeper question of “Is who I am ok?”  One of the biggest ways they are looking to have this answered is within their sense of their own value and importance within their closest relationships. 

A helpful tip here:

  • Interacting with your teenager in a way that continually expresses and reflects their value and importance to you and within the family will create a foundation for this space of unconditional value and acceptance. Take time to see and express the value that they hold will go far in allowing your teen to experience the belonging they need most.

Show your teen endless support!

Teenagers may no longer needing care and support that they have needed throughout their earlier stages of life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t still need to sense the same feeling of support from you.

There is a deep desire to know that you are there for them, no matter what. 

This includes the times when they make mistakes or share things that don’t align with your rules or values.  This doesn’t mean that you won’t also help to provide boundaries or enforce important areas for their safety, but helping to slow down your immediate response to guide or lecture and simply being willing to listen and support your teen will allow your teen to sense that you are there for them and on their side, no matter what!

A helpful tip:

  • Offering space for your teen to talk about hard things, and giving time to just listen and share that you understand and care about what they are going through will go a long way in helping your teenager feel supported, safe and deeply cared for.  
Kristi Wollbrink
Kristi Wollbrink

COUNSELING FOR TEENS AND COUPLES
I help teens and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection

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relationship therapy in Los Angeles
Healthy Relationships, Parenting

Did your “Tiger Parent” help? How your Asian upbringing impacts you today

Written by Here Counseling

“Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.

Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.

As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”

You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.

What Is Tiger Parenting?

The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.

Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:

  • Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
  • Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
  • Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)

A belief that discipline = love

In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.

TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY

Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth. 

If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:

  • Cultural and familial context matters
  • We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents

How It Affects You as an Adult

Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.

Many adult children of tiger parents experience:

  • Chronic anxiety or burnout
  • A harsh inner critic
  • Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
  • Shame around failure or “letting people down”
  • Struggles with identity or decision-making

Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.

DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!

Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.

Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors. 

TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD

In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds. 

It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles. 

TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL 

Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.

We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.

The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.

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Signs You Might Still Be Affected Today

You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.

You might:

  • Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
  • Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
  • Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
  • Avoid disappointing others at all costs
  • Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve

These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.

How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting

You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.

Together, we can:

  • Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
  • Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
  • Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
  • Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
  • Learn how to set boundaries without shame
  • Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance

In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.

Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.

Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This

So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.

And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.

You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.

Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.

If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:

  • Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
  • Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
  • Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
  • Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.

Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.

Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.

We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.

You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Parenting

Can changing the way you listen help you feel more connected with your teen?

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.

Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.  

Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.

  1. Don’t solve; just listen. 
    It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard.  A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.  
  2. See yourself as a “bumper.”
    One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
  3. Let your teen discover their solutions. 
    Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves. 

Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication

By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.

It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.  

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

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COVID, Parenting

Successful Transitions: Back to School

Written by Connor McClenahan

“How can parents best support their child during this time? We’re joined by Melissa Winfield, licensed clinical psychologist at Here Counseling in downtown Los Angeles, to discuss.”

Melissa Winfield, PsyD was interviewed by AirTalk with Larry Mantle for KPCC. The intervew with Dr. Winfield begins at 35:00.

Back-to-School

Back-to-school looks different this year. After a year and a half of the pandemic, kids, parents and teachers are all feeling the impact of yet another transition. For some kids being back in the classroom is a highly anticipated relief from the challenges of remote learning. They are excited to see friends and have the support of teachers. Others are more worried about this change.

Even with the excitement, new transitions can increase anxiety and apprehension for children and teenagers. In order to help kids with this transition, we need to understand the unique stressors that children and teenagers are experiencing and the necessary parenting tools.

Mental Health Impact of Transition

All transitions, even happy ones, can cause increased stress for kids. They will be facing new expectations, engaging with new people, having to get up early again…and dealing with the emotional impact of the pandemic.

Unlike other years, many students have missed out on a whole year of being with peers and learning in person. This may result in the following experiences:

  • Increased self-consciousness about the changes in their bodies (ex. Growing taller, gaining weight, starting puberty)
  • More social pressure as they reconnect with peers in person
  • Feeling awkward or believing that they have lost social skills
  • Exhaustion due to not being used to the demands of school
  • Fear about getting COVID-19 at school and bringing it home to at risk family members

Additionally, the isolation and stress of the pandemic has caused an increase in depression and anxiety among children and teens. Even if going back to school is a good change, they may still be experiencing more worries, discouragement, and lack of motivation than they were prior to the pandemic.

Parent Tools

So what can parents do to help? Well…a lot, actually! Parent engagement and support is a major contributor to helping kids deal with stress and build resilience.

Here are some things that you can do to help your child/teenager cope during the transition:

  1. Talk About Feelings
    Recognize that increased irritability or acting out may be the result of stress and help your child verbalize how they are feeling. You may need to model expressing your own feelings to help them learn this skill. Ex. “I’m feeling nervous about seeing people in person again, how are you feeling about going back to school?”
  2. Keep Routines
    Limit the changes in routine as much as you can, especially if your child is struggling with going back to school. Routines help kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Try to keep routines that you have been doing during the pandemic. For example, if you spent more time as a family doing certain activities or have been visiting specific friends or extended family during the pandemic, keep doing those activities regularly.
  3. Provide Reassurance
    When kids are anxious, they need a lot of reassurance that it’s going to be ok and that they are safe. If you child is nervous about going back to school because of COVID, help them understand the safety precautions provided at school and how this can help keep them safe. They may need to hear this reassurance multiple times to trust that things haven’t changed again. Praise kids for following guidelines so that they feel good about themselves and their efforts to maintain safety.
  4. Take Care of Yourself
    Parent anxiety can increase stress on kids. Children take in both verbal and non-verbal cues from adults about how safe or scary a situation is. By taking action to manage your own anxiety and stress, you can be more encouraging, positive and reassuring for your kids. Watching you handle stress well can go a long way to help your children build resilience and be successful in this transition.

And as always, reach out for help if you would like to talk to a therapist about the specific needs of your child or are struggling to manage your own emotions in this time. Transitioning back to in person school during a pandemic is a new challenge for everyone. Thankfully with the right support most kids will become more resilient and learn to cope with this new transition.

Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.

Learn More about Working with Melissa

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COVID, Parenting

Want to Calm the Chaos at Home? It starts with 3 things you can do with your child today.

Written by Connor McClenahan

Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face. 

Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child

Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways: 

  • Increases their sense of safety and security
  • Reduces anxiety and stress 
  • Helps you feel more confident in your parenting 
  • Increases self-esteem 
  • Reduces conflict 
  • Helps kids accept limits and disciple

How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child 

Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!

Here are three things that you can start doing today: 

Start One-on-One Time 

I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship. 

Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them. 

Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time: 

  • 5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing 
  • Read a bedtime story
  • Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed 
  • Drawing or coloring with your child 

Schedule Family Time 

Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.  

Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better. 

Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family: 

  • Family game night 
  • Movie night
  • Trip to the park
  • Bike ride/walk
  • Family Dinner 
  • Pancake breakfast on Saturday
  • Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family  

Increase Labeled Praise 

Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well. 

To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small. 

Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child

Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship. 

Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

 

Download Free Worksheet
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times

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Parenting, Testing and Assessment

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation: Helping You Prepare for Adoption

Written by Connor McClenahan

Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first.  And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.

Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.

Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt? 

The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.

The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful. 

The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation 

Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs. 

Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI.  The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed. 

This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after. 

Results Help Your Adoption Succeed 

After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements. 

After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results. 

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support  

At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience. 

Learn more about our assessment services.

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Here Counseling in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We provide psychological testing to help families get the resources they need.

Schedule your Pre-Adoption Assessment Consultation

 

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COVID, Parenting

So your child is acting out at home: Why that’s normal and what you can do today

Written by Connor McClenahan

Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:

  • Crying more easily
  • Difficulty calming down
  • Talking back
  • Blowing up at something small

While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.

Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?

  • School from home 
  • More time with siblings
  • Different day care routine 
  • Changes in soccer practice 
  • Not able to see friends from school

Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors. 

1. Increase one-on-one time with your child

Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.

If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.

Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule. 

2. Prioritize expectations 

The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.

Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:

  • Get ready for school on time
  • Pay attention to class online 
  • Complete assignments 
  • Brush teeth
  • Not fighting with sister 
  • Etc. 

What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now. 

Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.

Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything. 

3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out 

Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.

Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked.  Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV. 

Remember that consequences work best if

  1. Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
  2. If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!

The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in. 

For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation! 

You Got This! 

Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.

This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills! 

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Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder playing with father
Managing emotions, Parenting

Calming Your Child’s Fear about the Fires

Written by Connor McClenahan

With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again. 

Why Do Children Fear Fire?

A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).

How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?

1. Listen for Specific Fears

The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.

You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.

2. Talk through Big Feelings

Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.

For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.

3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire

Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.

For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire. 

Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe.  Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.

4. Reduce Exposure to the News

The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.

As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!

Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire

Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.

When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless

Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.

Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)

Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:

  • Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.”
    Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
  • Mistake: Sharing too many details.
    Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
  • Mistake: Letting news play constantly.
    Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.

FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children

Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:

  • What are signs my child is afraid of fire?
    Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
  • How can I teach fire safety without scaring them?
    Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
  • When should I get professional help?
    If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.

Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire

For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:

Our Pasadena Therapists
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COVID, Healthy Relationships, Parenting

A guide to encouraging your teenager during a world pandemic: even though you’re tired

Written by Here Counseling

Life has looked a bit different these days. Instead of carpooling to soccer practice and planning birthday parties, you have helped your children set up their virtual classrooms and are doing anything to keep boredom at bay. Personal stressors arise for you as you navigate this uncertain time as a parent but how does a world pandemic look through the eyes of your teen?

A total curve ball

During these formative years, your adolescent child was just coming into their own. Becoming more independent, more interested in long terms goals and continuing to seek a social life. So many of these inspiring, joyous moments happened at school, during extracurriculars and with their peers.

Now that they have been cooped up inside for weeks, it makes sense that they would be feeling slightly disconnected, down and maybe all around just a little “off.” They miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss being active. Playing Uno every night with mom and dad can only get so exciting!

When crisis hits, how do you ensure your teenager still feels seen, valued, and cherished? Having missed graduations, sporting events, musicals, trips, religious ceremonies, birthdays, how can you bring a smile back to your child’s face and gently lift up their gaze. You have a full plate yourself, but very small changes could make life-changing impacts.

Acknowledge three things they have missed due to the pandemic

The amount of cancelled events across the world is heart breaking. Just like a wedding is an event with major value, so is an 8th grade bridge crossing ceremony or a sweet sixteen. What are three events, big or small, that your teenager is missing out on? Once you have listed these, how can you bring a piece of these events back to your child?

This is where the creative genius in you must shine! Maybe it was a missed trip to Yosemite, try picking up s’mores from the store to remind them you haven’t forgotten that disappointment and you’ll try to reschedule the trip as soon as you can.

Offer to help

It may not be fitting for the next few years to come; however, in these next few months offer help with chores that typically fall on your teenager’s shoulders.

  • “Can I help you pick up your room a bit so you have more space to study?”
  • “Can I help wash your car over the weekend while the weather’s nice?”
  • “Can I help you with any school work?”

The power dynamic of family systems suggest that typically parents will be in charge of orders such as these, but for the next few weeks give this example of humble leadership a try in light of these trying times. Don’t be too surprised if you get some confused looks at first… they will be grateful in the end!

Give a little wiggle room

If curfew is usually 9:00pm on the weekends, maybe it gets pushed to 10:00pm for a few weeks when life resumes to it’s normal ebb and flow. Try to acknowledge that your child has been without friends and social interactions for months and how difficult this must have been. By giving this freedom, you are rewarding perseverance and placing value on life-giving interactions like spending time with friends.

Encourage, encourage, encourage

Another one of the Five Love Languages is “words of affirmation.” After no real public recognition from a school play, receiving the best grade in the class, seeing their crush in the hall, scoring the game winning goal, these moldable teenagers need some extra love and self-esteem boosters. Lift them up in any way you see fit.

Compliment work ethic, positive attitudes, perseverance, patience or even their new shirt! Children strive for the approval of their parents, whether it is evident or not. Practice saying “I am proud of you” a little extra these next few months and see the smiles emerge. You hold special power as a parent to make your beloved son or daughter feel like a prized treasure… now go unleash the love!

Mandi Duncan
Mandi Duncan

Clinical Mental Health Counselor Trainee
Supervised by Jeff Creely, PsyD PSY29764

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COVID, Parenting

Therapy from Home: Talking to Your Kids about the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.

It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.

Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.

Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.

Don’t Say Nothing

Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.

Talk to them about:

  • What the coronavirus is
  • What symptoms may look like in a child
  • How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
  • Emphasize that your family will be ok
    • For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
    • For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
  • How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
  • Their feelings
  • Things they can do to help
  • For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child

Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.

For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.

Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.

Don’t Say Everything

While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.

One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.

Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.

What if I don’t know the answer?

It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.

Will you do me a favor?

Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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