A lack of strategies for ADHD preventing success at school is one of the greatest challenges for kids with ADHD. As a parent, you may feel overwhelmed by how to help your child. You may feel that you do not have the expertise to help your child develop effective coping strategies for ADHD.
Qualifying for School Accommodations
In order to receive additional supports or accommodations at school, your child will need to qualify for a 504 Plan. A 504 Plan is a detailed description of how the school will aim to support your child. It is not part of special education (such as an IEP). Instead, 504 Plans help children with disabilities and health impairments have equal access to school. Remember, ADHD is considered a health impairment.
In order to qualify, the school may provide an assessment or require you to provide a diagnosis from a psychologist or physician. Check with your school to see what the requirements are for receiving a 504 Plan for your child.
Strategies for ADHD in the Classroom
504 Plans document accommodations that your child will receive. Some schools and teachers may be willing to provide these supports without a 504 Plan, such as in private school settings.
Here is a list of research-based accommodations that can prove helpful for children with ADHD:
Reducing the number of homework problems without changing the level of content
Preferential seating near front of classroom to reduce distractions
Testing outside of classroom in a quieter environment
Providing extra time on tests or assignments
Increased positive reinforcements (e.g. rewards) and praise in the classroom
Meeting with a school counselor to work on academic or behavioral goals
Breaking long assignments into smaller parts
Increased check-ins to make sure student understands instructions
Allowing for more breaks
Increased support for organization and communication with parents
There are many more options for accommodations based on your child’s needs and the school’s capacity to provide support. Meeting with the school as well as a mental health professional can help you identify which strategies will best meet your child’s specific needs.
ADHD Strategies for Homework
Whether or not your child has accommodations at school, you are still going to need some strategies at home for helping with homework. Some strategies will be the same as those used at school. If your child has a 504 plan it may include a few things that help with homework, like reduced repetitive tasks for homework or extended deadlines if needed.
Here are some strategies that will help at home whether or not your child has a 504 Plan:
Removing distractions during homework (ex. Devices, TV in the background, etc.)
Set a timer and provide breaks
Have a specific time and place for homework
Schedule agreed-on check-ins to make sure your child is staying on task
Break down assignments into smaller tasks and goals
Create a system for checking in with teacher regularly to increase communication about homework (ex. Assignment record that student completes and teacher signs daily)
Provide rewards for completed homework
Create a visual checklist of things that need to go to school every day
Use an accordion folder and reward having no loose papers in backpack
Discuss plan of what needs to get done and how long it is expected to take daily
Start small and choose a few strategies to implement at a time. After all, you do not want to overwhelm yourself or your child by attempting to tackle all of these strategies at once.
How Therapy Can Help
If you need more support, arrange a consultation with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD. They can help you select and implement personalized strategies. Find a psychologist who is willing to work with you and your child collaboratively to create a plan that will work for both you and your child.
For more information on ADHD assessment as well as strategies for ADHD, you can download my ADHD Field Guide for free. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation call to discuss therapy or an ADHD assessment for your child.
Your child isn’t getting good grades, even though they are smart. Maybe you spend hours convincing and helping them to complete to their homework. Or they rush through their work, making many mistakes. Perhaps they forget to turn in their homework. Or teachers are concerned about their ability to focus in class.
If these scholastic struggles sound familiar, then a psychological assessment for ADHD can provide the answers you need.
What Are The Benefits Of An ADHD Assessment?
An ADHD assessment assesses multiple factors that can help you understand your child and learn how they can succeed academically. A comprehensive assessment can provide additional answers. The benefits of a comprehensive ADHD assessment include understanding how your child brain functions, how they learn, and what other emotional challenges, such as anxiety or depression, are contributing.
The process of an ADHD assessment provides three major answers:
What an ADHD Assessment Provides
Diagnosis and Recommendations
Following the ADHD assessment, you will receive a written report that includes a diagnosis (if applicable) and recommendations. Recommendations include strategies for school, parenting, and medical and/or mental health treatment. You may provide this report to your child’s school if the psychologist recommends you advocate for more academic support.
ADHD Medication
Additionally, you may give the report to your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist if you are interested in medication for your child. If you are not interested in medication, your pediatrician may recommend other supplements, such as melatonin for sleep or an Omega supplement to help with focus. Your pediatrician may address other nutritional imbalances that can impact ADHD symptoms.
Parenting Strategies
The report will also provide parenting strategies. Parenting is never easy. A child with ADHD, however, may require some additional support. This can make parenting more challenging. Additionally, parenting a child with ADHD likely looks different to the parenting your other children or your friend’s children require. Thus, recommended strategies will be tailored to fit your child’s specific situation. This can include transitioning between multiple households, difficulty with sleep, or a busy family schedule.
Empower Yourself And Your Child With An ADHD Assessment
It may feel overwhelming to meet your child’s needs especially with, no doubt, numerous other demands on your time. One of the major benefits of an ADHD assessment is that it provides a road map. It can help reveal what your child needs and how to start providing this. Then, both you and your child can feel confident to take the next steps towards effective change.
Schedule Your Consultation Today
Schedule a free consultation call to see if an ADHD assessment would benefit your child. For more information on the assessment process and strategies, you can download my ADHD Field Guide.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Adolescence is a time filled with change, discovery, and sometimes uncertainty — both for teens and their families. Exploring gender and sexuality is a natural and important part of growing up, but it can also bring feelings of confusion, worry, or even fear for parents and caregivers. If you’ve noticed your teenager expressing themselves differently or questioning who they are, you’re not alone. Many families face similar journeys, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how to support your teen.
We want you to know that creating a space of love, acceptance, and open communication is one of the most powerful things you can do. Our team is here to walk alongside you and your teenager as you navigate this important time, helping foster connection, understanding, and resilience.
Why Do Teens Explore Gender and Sexuality?
Exploration of gender identity and sexuality is a deeply personal and ongoing journey for many adolescents. There is no fixed timeline or “right way” to discover who they truly are. Teens today are influenced by many factors, including social media, friendships, cultural messages, and their own internal feelings.
It’s normal for teenagers to question, experiment, and even change their minds about their identity as they grow. Sometimes, this exploration is fluid — reflecting their unique experience rather than a clear, fixed label. We recognize that this process can feel confusing both for teens and their families, but it is an essential part of self-understanding and growth.
At Here Counseling, we honor this journey and believe that every teen deserves to explore their identity in a supportive, judgment-free environment.
How do I know if My Teenager is Exploring their Gender and Sexuality?
Have you noticed your teenager experimenting with the way they dress? How about trying out how it feels to identify with different pronouns? Are they exploring the way they express their gender on social media? If you have noticed your teenager experimenting with gender expression through aspects of their identity such as fashion, pronouns, and traditionally “gendered” behavior, you may feel uncertain about how to understand and support your child at this time.
You may find yourself wondering how this is impacting your teenager. Are they questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation? Their comments and behaviors may make you feel worried, anxious, or even angry. This can lead you to react in ways that make you and your teenager feel distant from one another. In these moments, you may suddenly find yourself feeling uncertain how to best respond. If your goal is to figure out how to best support your teen, then you are in the right place.
How Will This Article Help Me and My Teenager?
As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to support your teenager. This can be especially true as they explore their gender identity and sexual orientation. It’s important to support and care for their safety, psychological, and physical health while navigating these sensitive topics. This article will provide tips and guidance on how to navigate these important developmental topics, including how to talk to your teen about sexuality and teenage sexuality.
How to Understand and Support Your Teenager to Reduce Tension and Increase Connection
How Do I Support My Teenager As They Experiment with Their Gender and/or Sexuality?
Unsurprisingly, teenagers naturally experiment to discover their personal sense of self and identity. However, as a parent, it can be challenging to know how to respond when this exploration includes gender and sexuality. Most parents hold a variety of thoughts and beliefs about gender identity or sexual orientation. Remember, these attitudes will impact how you feel about and interact with your teenager about sensitive topics. Below, I’ll talk you through how to navigate these beliefs. This is especially important when they contrast with your teenager’s needs for support.
Initially, these topics may feel uncertain or scary. However, the reality is that gender identity and sexual orientation are topics your teenager is thinking about. They’re likely talking about it with their friends, seeing it on social media, and exploring it for themselves. It’s not a foreign topic for them. Therefore, it doesn’t have to be for you either. Instead of experiencing fear, vulnerability, or uncertainty about how to navigate these topics, try the simple steps in this article. They can help you release that tension and bring you closer to your teenager.
Issues of gender and sexuality can feel overwhelming to navigate as a parent. That overwhelm can keep you feeling worried and anxious. Instead, overcoming the tension can be the very thing that brings you closer to your teenager.
Granted, this can feel like a difficult and scary topic to navigate in conversations with your teen. That’s why I created this simple guide. It can help you increase your confidence by understanding the cause of your anxiety. Clarity can help you to move toward creating a space to talk with your teen about gender and sexuality journey.
Three Simple Steps To Support Your Teenager As They Explore Their Gender and/or Sexuality
These three simple steps can help you respond with support as your teen explores gender and/or sexuality:
Step 1: Recognize And Name Your Fear
First, take a few minutes. Identify specifically what causes your fearfulness to address these topics of gender identity and sexual orientation. Recognize the cause of hesitation to ease anxiety and show your teenager care. Identify specific fears if struggling to accept your teenager’s gender or sexual identity. Often fear is related to worries of being a good parent. Naming fear can challenge it and help support your teen. It is natural to feel worried. Acknowledge this as a first step to move towards supporting your teen in the way they need most.
Step 2: Accept That Sexual Exploration Is The Way To Discovery.
Remember, you yourself likely went through some form of exploration and experimentation to understand yourself. These exploratory experiences helped you discover yourself. The same is true for your teenager’s discovery of their gender and sexual identity. After all, gender and sexuality are not exceptions. As in all areas of self discovery, we may need to “try on” and explore various paths and parts of ourselves in order to discover who we truly are. Allow exploration and approach gender and sexuality conversations like any other important topic. Tune into your teenager’s needs. Create a space where they feel safe and heard. Most importantly, show and remind them that you will love them and be there for them no matter what. Click the link below to learn more about how to communicate effectively with your teenager.
It’s ok to not know everything, but don’t excuse yourself from learning. Being honest about what you do not know can help your teenager feel safe. However, ensure that does not become an excuse to stay uninformed. Use resources to gain awareness about gender and sexuality, which will help you connect more deeply with your teenager. Remember, it can feel refreshing for your teenager to see you as the learner. It will be meaningful for your teen to see you educating yourself about something so important to them. You can begin by exploring expressions of gender and sexuality through this interactive worksheet: GenderBread Person Worksheet
Some Important Gender and Sexuality Terminology
It can also be valuable to increase your awareness about some important terms related to these topics. This includes an awareness of the differences between one’s gender identity and sexual orientation.
Term
Definition
Gender identity
Who you feel you are at your core, whether it’s male, female, neither, or both.
Non-binary
Gender identity isn’t exclusively male or female, and may experience their gender as both male and female, or they may experience it as neither (agender).
Transgender (sometimes shortened to the term “trans”)
Identifying with a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth.
Sexual orientation
Who you’re attracted to on a physical level.
Fluid
Refers to a person who experiences changes in their sexual attraction over time and/or depending on the situation.
Where To Turn For Additional Gender and Sexuality Information
These are just a few of the important terms to understand and familiarize yourself with to support your teenager. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel like you’re having to learn a whole new language. However, expertise is not required. Moderate knowledge can go a long way in helping you to connect with your teenager. This guide may prove to be a helpful tool for growing more familiar with some terminology and other helpful information. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/teenage-sexuality/
How to Support Your Teenager During This Exploration
Supporting your teen through their exploration starts with creating a safe, welcoming space where they feel heard and accepted. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right now. What matters most is your willingness to listen without judgment and to validate their experiences.
Encourage honest conversations by asking open-ended questions and showing empathy. Avoid pushing your teen to label themselves before they’re ready — allow them to take the time they need to find their own way.
Using the names and pronouns your teen prefers is a simple but powerful way to show respect and support. Let your teenager know that your love is unconditional, regardless of how they identify.
At Here Counseling, we are committed to helping families build bridges of understanding during these times, providing guidance and support every step of the way.
Navigating Challenges Faced by Questioning Teens
Teens questioning their gender or sexuality often face unique challenges, including bullying, social isolation, or identity-related stress. These experiences can take a toll on mental health, increasing risks of anxiety, depression, or feelings of loneliness.
Creating affirming environments at home and school is vital. When teens feel accepted and supported, they build resilience to face adversity. Encouraging open communication, celebrating their courage, and connecting them with supportive communities all contribute to their well-being.
We understand these challenges deeply at Here Counseling and work with families and teens to foster spaces where identity exploration is met with compassion and strength.
Resources and Tools to Help Families
Knowledge is power, and having the right tools can make a meaningful difference for both teens and their families. Educational materials like the GenderBread Person worksheet offer an approachable way to understand gender and sexuality concepts together.
We also recommend trusted organizations such as PFLAG and The Trevor Project, which provide invaluable support, guidance, and community connections for LGBTQ+ youth and their families. Locally, there are affirming counselors and support groups in Los Angeles ready to help you and your teen feel less alone.
Here Counseling is proud to connect families with these resources and guide them toward affirming support tailored to their unique journey.
When and How to Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your teen or family might benefit from additional support. If your teen is experiencing prolonged distress, ongoing family conflict, or struggles with mental health challenges linked to their identity exploration, it’s a good time to consider professional counseling.
LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists provide a safe, confidential space where teens and parents can explore feelings, develop coping strategies, and strengthen communication. Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing, growth, and connection.
At Here Counseling, we specialize in teen and LGBTQIA+ support, offering compassionate care to help your family navigate these complex questions with understanding and hope.
Teenager Gender and Sexuality Exploration: In Summary
Navigating the topics of gender identity and sexual orientation can be difficult for parents. However, it is important to support and understand your teenager as they explore these aspects of themselves. Doing so can help to cultivate a feeling of safety for your teen. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming to take steps forward in creating a safe space for this with your teenager. Remember, taking these three simple steps will help you to overcome the difficulties that may be having you feeling stuck and move you toward a place of deeper connection with your teenager.
By recognizing and naming your fears, accepting that exploration is a normal part of growing up, and creating a safe and open space for conversation, you can be the supportive and loving parent your teenagers needs. Additionally, there may be times when it feels helpful to have the support of a trained therapist to come alongside you and your teenager. If this is something that you feel could be of help in this journey, I would be happy to schedule a consultation to see if therapy might be a helpful resource for you and your teenager. Here Counseling has multiple therapists who specialize in LGBTQIA+ issues and working with LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Start by creating a safe space, naming your fears, and accepting exploration as normal; use open questions like “What are you needing?” to foster connection.
What is teenage sexuality?
Teenage sexuality involves exploring attraction and identity, often through social media, fashion, and pronouns; support it by learning terms and affirming unconditional love.
What is teen sexuality?
Teen sexuality is the natural experimentation with physical attraction and self-expression; approach conversations with curiosity to reduce tension and build trust.
How to talk about sexual orientation?
Acknowledge differences in attraction as fluid or fixed; educate yourself on terms like “fluid” and invite honest dialogue without judgment.
What are orientation teenagers?
Teenagers exploring orientation question who they’re attracted to; guide them by validating feelings and using resources like worksheets for self-discovery.
How it feels to be a teenager?
Being a teenager often involves confusion and excitement in identity exploration; parents can help by recognizing fears and supporting open expression.
What is teenagers sexuality?
Teenagers’ sexuality includes discovering gender and attraction; create safety by learning basics and affirming their journey without pressure.
What is gender?
Gender is one’s core sense of self as male, female, non-binary, or fluid; differentiate it from sexual orientation for constructive talks.
What is teenager sexuality?
Teenager sexuality encompasses attraction changes and identity trials; educate on terms like transgender to connect meaningfully.
How to talk to your teen about sex?
Approach sex talks with honesty about fears and acceptance; use guides to normalize exploration and emphasize safety and consent.
The diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is getting thrown around everywhere these days. It’s so common that some parents have become suspicious of the label while others become concerned that every problem their child has may be related to ADHD. But what actually is ADHD and would it be helpful to get a diagnosis for your child?
What is ADHD?
ADHD is more than just attention problems or hyperactivity. It is a mental health diagnosis that includes a long list of symptoms that occur when children (and adults) have difficulty with executive functioning. Executive functioning is our brain’s ability to plan ahead, sustain attention, organize, and stop certain behaviors.
When your child is arguing for the one hundredth time about taking a shower and you want to yell at them to just do it, but instead you take a deep breath and speak calmly…that is your brain using executive functioning to monitor your behavior. Getting yourself to focus on work, planning out what you need to do today and finishing the dishes when you don’t want to…that is also your brain using executive functioning.
Attention problems are a sign of ADHD but there is more to it.
What are the Symptoms of ADHD?
Here are some other signs of ADHD:
Loosing things frequently
Difficulty starting tasks (Ex. Needs frequent reminders to do homework or chores)
Difficulty completing tasks or following through with instructions (Ex. Completes homework but forgets to turn it in)
Makes frequent mistakes on things that they should know
Forgets things that they have to do daily
Gets easily distracted
Fidgets constantly
Has difficulty sitting still in sitting is required
Seems to be aways on the go
Runs or climbs when it is not appropriate to do so
Not able to play quietly
Blurts out answers to questions
Has difficulty waiting turns
Does not play quietly but is always making noise
Likely your child has struggled with one or more of these items, even if they do not have ADHD. And very few children will have all of these symptoms. But if your child has many of these symptoms AND it is impacting school, their ability to make friends or making home life very difficult, then they may need additional support.
When Should I Get Help?
If you are looking at this list and your child meets more than 5 of these regularly or a specific symptom is causing significant concern, then getting an evaluation from your pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional may be helpful. Without a professional evaluation, it is difficult to know for sure if your child meets criteria. This is because there are a few other factors involved. For example, other things can look like ADHD…like past trauma, anxiety, difficulty transitioning between homes or learning difficulties.
Is Getting a Diagnosis Important?
Getting a professional diagnosis may be helpful for you to know how to better support your child and to give you a road map of what to do next. A diagnosis can help you advocate for accommodations at school, discuss treatment with your pediatrician or know how to better structure your child’s time at home.
Being able to tune in to what your teenagers needs will help break the silence in your relationship.
Your teenager has always been moody. It seems like this is just expected to be a part of this passage into adolescence. However, it can feel confusing to suddenly notice things seem even more frustrating as your teen is now hardly talking to you at all.
You may find yourself re-thinking things you’ve said or done that may have caused your teen to be pulling back and feeling distant. These thoughts can sound like this:
Was it something I did?
Did I say the wrong thing?
Have I not done enough?
Maybe it isn’t one thing that you said or did that has caused your teen to be withdrawing.
It’s important to remember that teens are going through a lot of changes. They are beginning to develop their own sense of self, which includes a natural tendency of withdraw in their quest for autonomy.
Yet, the response of silence and withdrawal in your teen may also be linked to a natural human tendency for self protection. This is linked with our natural fight and flight response.
Withdraw is often a part of our natural defense function that turns on as a way to protect ourselves when some kind of threat or danger is perceived.
This response is common when something within us senses uncertainty in our ability to support ourselves in the face of difficulties or conflict. The sense that we may not be have the strength or resources to be able to stand up and win, our internal emotional radar will instead choose to flee as a way to stay safe.
This silencing or withdrawing comes out of your teenager’s sense of threat of danger to their sense of safety and security.
Your teen’s silence may simply be their way of letting you know that they want to feel safe enough to talk to you.
Your teens silence may be their way of letting you know that there is something they are needing to feel loved and safe. Take their silence as a nudge to access their needs.
It may be that there are some ways you may be talking to your teen that in turn may have your teen closing down and getting quiet.
Even though it might look like your teenager doesn’t need you or want you around, they do need you. They need your support and care – and deeply desire to know that you are there for them to provide the care they need for what they are going through.
Tuning in to your teenagers need to feel heard, valued and supported are essential to giving your teen what they need most.
Take time to hear what your teen has to say.
Your teenager is going through a lot of self development and exploration. Teens are still in the developing stages and their choices and interests may at times seem very confusing to you, yet allowing your teen to feel heard is one of their deepest needs.
A helpful tip:
Shift away from responses of problem solving and instead toward that of allowing your teenager to share and express themselves to you. By simply listening and reflecting what it is you are hearing you teen is sharing with you will go a long way in creating a space for them to continue to develop a sense of safety and openness.
Allow your teen to feel valued for who they are.
Your teenager is learning to explore and express themselves in the world. All the while, they are asking a deeper question of “Is who I am ok?” One of the biggest ways they are looking to have this answered is within their sense of their own value and importance within their closest relationships.
A helpful tip here:
Interacting with your teenager in a way that continually expresses and reflects their value and importance to you and within the family will create a foundation for this space of unconditional value and acceptance. Take time to see and express the value that they hold will go far in allowing your teen to experience the belonging they need most.
Show your teen endless support!
Teenagers may no longer needing care and support that they have needed throughout their earlier stages of life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t still need to sense the same feeling of support from you.
There is a deep desire to know that you are there for them, no matter what.
This includes the times when they make mistakes or share things that don’t align with your rules or values. This doesn’t mean that you won’t also help to provide boundaries or enforce important areas for their safety, but helping to slow down your immediate response to guide or lecture and simply being willing to listen and support your teen will allow your teen to sense that you are there for them and on their side, no matter what!
A helpful tip:
Offering space for your teen to talk about hard things, and giving time to just listen and share that you understand and care about what they are going through will go a long way in helping your teenager feel supported, safe and deeply cared for.
Kristi Wollbrink
COUNSELING FOR TEENS AND COUPLES I help teens and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection
“Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.
Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.
As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”
You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.
What Is Tiger Parenting?
The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.
Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:
Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)
A belief that discipline = love
In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.
TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY
Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth.
If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:
Cultural and familial context matters
We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents
How It Affects You as an Adult
Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.
Many adult children of tiger parents experience:
Chronic anxiety or burnout
A harsh inner critic
Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
Shame around failure or “letting people down”
Struggles with identity or decision-making
Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.
DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!
Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.
Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors.
TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD
In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds.
It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles.
TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL
Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.
We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.
The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.
You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.
You might:
Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
Avoid disappointing others at all costs
Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve
These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.
How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting
You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.
Together, we can:
Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
Learn how to set boundaries without shame
Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance
In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.
Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.
Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This
So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.
And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.
You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.
Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.
If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:
Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.
Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.
Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling
At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.
We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.
You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.
It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.
Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.
Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.
Don’t solve; just listen. It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard. A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.
See yourself as a “bumper.” One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
Let your teen discover their solutions. Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves.
Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication
By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.
It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.
“How can parents best support their child during this time? We’re joined by Melissa Winfield, licensed clinical psychologist at Here Counseling in downtown Los Angeles, to discuss.”
Back-to-school looks different this year. After a year and a half of the pandemic, kids, parents and teachers are all feeling the impact of yet another transition. For some kids being back in the classroom is a highly anticipated relief from the challenges of remote learning. They are excited to see friends and have the support of teachers. Others are more worried about this change.
Even with the excitement, new transitions can increase anxiety and apprehension for children and teenagers. In order to help kids with this transition, we need to understand the unique stressors that children and teenagers are experiencing and the necessary parenting tools.
Mental Health Impact of Transition
All transitions, even happy ones, can cause increased stress for kids. They will be facing new expectations, engaging with new people, having to get up early again…and dealing with the emotional impact of the pandemic.
Unlike other years, many students have missed out on a whole year of being with peers and learning in person. This may result in the following experiences:
Increased self-consciousness about the changes in their bodies (ex. Growing taller, gaining weight, starting puberty)
More social pressure as they reconnect with peers in person
Feeling awkward or believing that they have lost social skills
Exhaustion due to not being used to the demands of school
Fear about getting COVID-19 at school and bringing it home to at risk family members
Additionally, the isolation and stress of the pandemic has caused an increase in depression and anxiety among children and teens. Even if going back to school is a good change, they may still be experiencing more worries, discouragement, and lack of motivation than they were prior to the pandemic.
Parent Tools
So what can parents do to help? Well…a lot, actually! Parent engagement and support is a major contributor to helping kids deal with stress and build resilience.
Here are some things that you can do to help your child/teenager cope during the transition:
Talk About Feelings Recognize that increased irritability or acting out may be the result of stress and help your child verbalize how they are feeling. You may need to model expressing your own feelings to help them learn this skill. Ex. “I’m feeling nervous about seeing people in person again, how are you feeling about going back to school?”
Keep Routines Limit the changes in routine as much as you can, especially if your child is struggling with going back to school. Routines help kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Try to keep routines that you have been doing during the pandemic. For example, if you spent more time as a family doing certain activities or have been visiting specific friends or extended family during the pandemic, keep doing those activities regularly.
Provide Reassurance When kids are anxious, they need a lot of reassurance that it’s going to be ok and that they are safe. If you child is nervous about going back to school because of COVID, help them understand the safety precautions provided at school and how this can help keep them safe. They may need to hear this reassurance multiple times to trust that things haven’t changed again. Praise kids for following guidelines so that they feel good about themselves and their efforts to maintain safety.
Take Care of Yourself Parent anxiety can increase stress on kids. Children take in both verbal and non-verbal cues from adults about how safe or scary a situation is. By taking action to manage your own anxiety and stress, you can be more encouraging, positive and reassuring for your kids. Watching you handle stress well can go a long way to help your children build resilience and be successful in this transition.
And as always, reach out for help if you would like to talk to a therapist about the specific needs of your child or are struggling to manage your own emotions in this time. Transitioning back to in person school during a pandemic is a new challenge for everyone. Thankfully with the right support most kids will become more resilient and learn to cope with this new transition.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face.
Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child
Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways:
Increases their sense of safety and security
Reduces anxiety and stress
Helps you feel more confident in your parenting
Increases self-esteem
Reduces conflict
Helps kids accept limits and disciple
How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child
Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!
Here are three things that you can start doing today:
Start One-on-One Time
I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship.
Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them.
Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time:
5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing
Read a bedtime story
Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed
Drawing or coloring with your child
Schedule Family Time
Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.
Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better.
Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family:
Family game night
Movie night
Trip to the park
Bike ride/walk
Family Dinner
Pancake breakfast on Saturday
Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family
Increase Labeled Praise
Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well.
To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small.
Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child
Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship.
Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first. And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.
Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.
Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt?
The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.
The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful.
The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation
Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs.
Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI. The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed.
This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after.
Determines fit for your needs, establishes expectations and scheduling.
2. Clinical Interview
Conducted jointly and individually with parents to gather context, personal story, and needs for accurate test interpretation and tailored recommendations.
3. Psychological Assessment
Involves tests like the MMPI (true/false questionnaire) or others to detect mental health issues; answer honestly without preparation or overthinking.
4. Follow-Up Feedback
Schedule a session to review results, discuss concerns, provide recommendations, and answer questions for proactive issue resolution.
Results Help Your Adoption Succeed
After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements.
After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results.
Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support
At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience.
Why do I need a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?
The evaluation ensures that adoptive parents are prepared to provide a warm, nurturing home for the child. It screens for any mental health concerns to prevent potential neglect or abuse and helps catch issues early, providing necessary support for successful parenting.
What does the pre-adoption evaluation process involve?
The process typically includes a clinical interview (conducted both together and separately with the parents) and one or more psychological tests, such as the MMPI. The interview provides context for interpreting test results, leading to tailored recommendations.
What psychological tests are used in the evaluation?
Common tests include the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), a true/false questionnaire designed to identify mental health concerns. Other tests may be used in addition or instead, depending on the psychologist’s approach.
How should I prepare for the psychological tests?
You can’t study or prepare for these tests, as they focus on your preferences and experiences. The best approach is to answer honestly and accurately without overanalyzing the questions, as trying to “figure them out” can lead to unnecessary anxiety and inaccurate results.
What happens after the evaluation is completed?
The psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country you’re adopting from. You’ll have a follow-up appointment to review the results, discuss any concerns, and receive recommendations. They may also coordinate with your adoption agency with your permission.
How can the evaluation support my adoption journey?
The evaluation aims to make the process stress-free by providing proactive recommendations to address current needs and anticipate challenges. This helps ensure a smoother transition when welcoming a new child into your home.
Where can I get a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?
Services are available in California through our practice. You can book a free consultation call to determine if we’re the right fit. Learn more about our assessment services or schedule a free consultation.
