Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Trouble Communicating? Your Unconscious Could Be Why

Written by Andrew Wong
Unconscious patterns can block communicating your needs and feelings in relationships

Many people have trouble communicating what they feel and want in their closest relationships. Instead, of sharing their honest selves they hide and experience relationships as frustrating and disappointing.

You might relate to how the pattern unfolds: Your partner or friend asks “Is something wrong?” At that moment you know that something is wrong. You feel angry, confused, or worried. Some part of you wants to find the words to communicate this, to draw close to your relationship by sharing what you truly feel. But instead–without even thinking about it–you force yourself to smile and reply, “No, I’m good. How are you doing?” 

Being unable to share what you truly want and need in relationships is a painful and frustrating pattern for many people. One important way to transform how we show up in relationships is by understanding unconscious patterns of thinking that automatically shape our interactions and act as an obstacle to real communication and closeness. Thankfully, by facing our unconscious we can change how we relate to other people and our experiences.

Understanding Our Unconscious Minds

Decades of neuroscience have confirmed that our brains and mental processes are incredibly complex. In fact, our minds often shape our behavior in relationships without our direct or conscious awareness. Below are three key ways that our minds automatically shape our relationships without our awareness1.

1. Relational learning

Think about how you have learned throughout your lifetime. Some things, like math and state capitals, were learned consciously. At school you intentionally memorized how to solve problems and facts like the capital of California is Sacramento. 

But how did you learn what your family valued most or what calmed your parents when they were anxious? This kind of learning was likely implicit or unconscious. You learned these core patterns by being immersed in relationships with people. In other words, you learned constantly just by being with others, making powerful connections without even realizing it.

Take someone who struggles with navigating conflict because they fear saying they are upset and want something different. That person was probably not taught in a classroom to fear conflict and deny their true wants and needs. Their parents probably never sat them down and gave a lecture on fearing conflict in relationships either. Instead, through key relational experiences with the most important people in their lives, they may have unconsciously taken in the message that conflict is unsafe and must be avoided at all costs.   

2. Interpreting others and ourselves 

Our minds also automatically and unconsciously make sense of behavior in relationships. If a loved one arrives late to meet you, you may automatically interpret their lateness as evidence that they don’t value the relationship as much as you do. 

However, a factor outside of their control, maybe traffic or a last minute meeting, may have impacted their ability to arrive on time. Despite knowing this possibility your mind may rapidly interpret the situation as a hurtful reminder about you as a person: “They’re late because I’m not really loved.”

On the other hand, our mind may automatically explain away the loved one’s actions with context, ignoring aspects of their personality and choices that shape the relationship. For example, a partner’s angry outbursts may always be explained, and perhaps even justified, because of a stressful job. In this case how the partner’s personality, feelings, and choices are shaping the relationship may automatically be ignored. Instead of facing the reality of conflict to heal and grow, unconscious patterns may automatically sweep it away.

Automatic patterns like these leave people in a state of constant self-criticism. But this isn’t a fair conclusion–and may itself be an unconscious attack on ourselves! After all, these patterns are automatic and unconscious, we don’t know that we are choosing them. That is, until someone helps us to discover them. 

3. Automatic action and triggers

Relationships are shaped by complex patterns involving feelings, thoughts, and actions that are triggered without our awareness. Like a big machine that is activated with just the flip of a switch, your mind and body may have learned ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in response to cues. 

One cue could be your co-worker casually commenting that they liked the work of someone on your team. Immediately, you might notice thoughts that your co-worker never liked you, feelings of self-criticism and worry, and  body sensations like getting tense and hot. With this complex pattern activated you would understandably take actions like withdrawing and avoiding the co-worker. 

These patterns are rarely known to us. In fact, we might only realize we are operating in this unconscious pattern after the thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and actions collectively create some difficulty in our life. At times we might even experience suffering in the form of panic attacks, feeling hopeless, and struggling in our relationships without any awareness of why or how these patterns came to be. 

Thankfully, there is hope. By going back and consciously exploring what cued our unconscious relationship patterns, we can discover why we reacted like we did. 

Attachment: The Most Basic Relationship We All Learned 

These types of unconscious processes in relationships are shaped by our earliest bonds to parents and caregivers, also known as attachment relationships. Because these relationships began before we could speak or consciously make sense of the world, attachment began as purely implicit and relational learning. In other words, we intuited how to have relationship with our specific parents and caregivers by watching, listening, and feeling–all without consciously knowing it!

Our young minds unconsciously took in lessons to help us stay close, safe, and calm with our attachment figures. But as we’ve seen, some of the lessons that once served and protected us become barriers to healthy relationships in the present. Without truly understanding and facing this past, we easily repeat it without awareness in the present.   

Therapy Helps Make the Unconscious Conscious

While our minds and their unconscious processes are powerful there is reason for hope. Therapy provides a supportive relationship to gently and wisely explore why we struggle to truly share our desires and needs with others. By courageously looking at the places where you are stuck or trapped, therapy can be a journey together of tracing your journey back in order to finally move forward. 

Therapy to help you understand and overcome harmful patterns you are not fully aware of helps in several ways:

1. Discovering automatic patterns together 

We all have automatic patterns of feelings, thoughts, sensations, and actions that are activated quickly and without our awareness. Therapy is a special relationship to discover and identify these automatic patterns together. Having an outside perspective also allows you to figure out what cue or trigger brought on the pattern that has you stuck. 

Facing these unconscious parts of our minds can feel deeply vulnerable. The reality that we have been caught in some pattern may bring on strong emotions like embarrassment, guilt, or shame. Having a trusted therapist can be a tremendous help when courageously understanding yourself.

2. Facing grief and anger

Therapy is illuminating. Self-critical people may discover the relationship that taught them to be harsh with themselves, people struggling with fear and worry may understand the first time they felt unsafe, and people who can’t stop over-working may recognize powerful messages of accomplishment they once received. 

Attachment research tells us that difficult experiences may have once made unconscious patterns necessary. In order to stay close and connected to loved ones and parents, we may have taken on patterns that no longer serve us. Understanding your unconscious patterns to improve your relationships may also mean discovering past moments that bring on grief and anger.

In these moments, feelings of grief and anger are understandable and healthy responses that want to be felt and resolved. Having a supportive and expert therapist provides the help you need to face and resolve these feelings and the suffering they create in your relationships now.

3. Figuring out how to get un-stuck together

Finally, therapy is a unique relationship because unconscious patterns inevitably activate between the patient and therapist. Even if you are unsure of how you are getting stuck in frustrating patterns, the therapy relationship itself will shine a light on what is happening in other relationships.

For example, someone who feels dissatisfied in dating relationships might come to therapy and automatically begin to try and “become” the patient they think the therapist wants them to be, ignoring their own preferences. This pattern of hiding who they actually are can be faced together and understood. Chances are if it is happening in the relationship between patient and therapist it is also being triggered in other important relationships. 

Hope for Meaningful Relationships

Our minds and brains are extremely complex and powerful. When functioning well enough they help us to creatively face the challenges of our lives and develop meaningful relationships. But all too often unconscious and automatic patterns bring us to same outcomes over and over again without us knowing how we arrived there. Relationships that once seemed so promising wind up stuck and struggling in the same way that others did before.

You are not doomed to these automatic and frustrating patterns. When you are aware of unconscious patterns you can begin to make choices in relationships that actually lead to connection and joy. Your mind, body, and relationships are ready to heal and learn new ways of living. To deepen your self-understanding and heal your relationships from unconscious patterns, schedule an appointment with me today. 

Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression and Men in Pasadena
Learn about Therapy with Andrew

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executive with Poor sleep hygiene
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Terrible Sleep Habits? How Executives Can Stop Destructive Late Nights and Actually Rest

Written by Connor McClenahan

You’re exhausted, but when bedtime rolls around, they just can’t let go. Instead of drifting off, you linger in the wee hours, scrolling through your phones or binge-watching shows that don’t even hold your interest. It’s not that you don’t know better—you do. You feel the pull to sleep, to recharge for the demanding day ahead.

You’re looking for a sliver of time that’s just yours, free from emails, meetings, or family obligations.

Poor sleep hygiene for executives often stems from that craving for autonomy. It’s like they’re carving out a secret space to breathe, to feel like themselves again—the version that’s not always adapting to everyone else’s needs or expectations.

Yet, the moment they start to enjoy time away from work, guilt creeps in. “I should be sleeping,” they think. “This is a waste of time.” And so begins the internal battle, leaving them stuck in a hazy middle ground where they get neither sleep nor real enjoyment.

High-Achievers Often Sleep Terribly

You push through long days, making decisions that affect teams or entire companies, all while juggling personal responsibilities. By evening, you’re wiped out, but that quiet time after everyone else has gone to bed feels like the only chance to unwind without interruption. Maybe you tell yourself it’s just a quick check of social media or one more episode, but hours slip away.

The problem isn’t the activities themselves; it’s that they’re not truly fulfilling. You’re not laughing with friends, pursuing a hobby that lights you up, or even just daydreaming freely. Instead, it’s this numb scrolling, half-hearted and laced with self-reproach. You end up feeling more drained, frustrated with yourself for “wasting” time, and then the cycle repeats the next night.

Sleep suffers, energy dips, and that sharp edge you need for your professional life starts to dull. Over time, this constant push-pull can leave you feeling fragmented, like parts of yourself are unraveling under the strain of always putting duty first:

Poor Sleep Hygiene is Costing You a Lot

SymptomStatisticReference
Diminished Focus and Decision-MakingAfter five consecutive nights of partial sleep deprivation, participants showed reduced data gathering before making decisions and increased risk propensity.Effects of Total and Partial Sleep Deprivation on Reflection … – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7261660/
Lowered Creativity and InnovationDeclines in sleep are associated with lower individual creativity and productivity, significantly impacting the elaboration process in innovation.Workforce sleep and corporate innovation – ScienceDirect.com – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0048733325000204
Increased Irritability and Mood SwingsPoorer sleep quality is directly associated with increased irritability (β = 0.25, p < .001).Associations between sleep quality and irritability – PubMed Central – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10978035/
Heightened Risk of BurnoutAt least 79% of UK employees experience burnout, with around 35% reporting extreme or high levels due to factors including lack of breaks.64 workplace burnout statistics you need to know for 2024 – Spill – https://www.spill.chat/mental-health-statistics/workplace-burnout-statistics
Strained RelationshipsPoor sleep leads to increased feelings of anger, which in turn negatively impacts perceptions of romantic partnerships.New psychology study uncovers the romantic consequences of poor … – https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-study-uncovers-the-romantic-consequences-of-poor-sleep-quality/
Physical Health DeclineInsufficient sleep leads to increased incidences of cardiovascular morbidity and chances of diabetes mellitus, with about 1 in 3 US adults reporting not getting enough rest.What Are Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?
Reduced Productivity and PerformanceFatigue from poor sleep costs US companies around $136.4 billion annually in productivity losses.The Link Between Sleep and Job Performance – Sleep Foundation – https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/good-sleep-and-job-performance
Elevated Anxiety and DepressionParticipants averaging 6 hours or less of sleep per night are about 2.5 times more likely to have frequent mental distress, including anxiety and depression symptoms.Effect of Inadequate Sleep on Frequent Mental Distress – CDC – https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2021/20_0573.htm
Hindered Career ProgressionNearly 25% of US adults suffer from insomnia, often experiencing excessive sleepiness that impacts work performance and career opportunities.When Insomnia Threatens Your Career: Finding Balance Between … – https://wesper.co/blogs/wesper-journal/when-insomnia-threatens-your-career-finding-balance-between-sleep-and-work
Compromised Overall Well-BeingLack of sleep is compromising the mental health of 78% of adults, contributing to reduced overall well-being.Lack Of Sleep Is Compromising The Mental Health Of 78% Of Adults – https://neurowellnesstms.com/lack-of-sleep-is-compromising-the-mental-health-of-78-of-adults/

Poor Sleep Hygiene Is the Result of Unmet Needs

What if we flipped the script and saw this late-night resistance not as a flaw, but as a signal from your innermost self? Deep down, you’re craving freedom. You want a moment to simply exist without the constant adjustments to please or perform for others. It’s a chance for your creative, spontaneous side to emerge uninterrupted.

This is called your “creative self” and it’s as essential to your brain as food is to your body. This is the impulse you feel, especially after a demanding week, to indulge yourself, to play, to do something that’s not for anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s wanting to create, explore, connect, or simply enjoy.

The “creative self” passively repairs your mind

Accessing the Creative Self is the way we flush out the content of the day, daydream, and often, we passively find solutions to hard problems. It’s a mode that restores our energy, and is essential for high level creativity and problem solving. It’s what some people call “active rest”, and neglecting it has detrimental consequences for your body and mind.

Connecting with this aspect of yourself is like coming up for air in competitive swimming. That breath might feel like it costs you speed in the moment. But skip it too often, and your form starts to falter. Your strokes weaken. Eventually, you’re gasping and collapsing from lack of oxygen.

Or think of an F1 driver eyeing a pit stop. To a rookie, it seems like a frustrating delay that slows the race. But a seasoned pro knows refusing to change those worn tires will lead to blowouts, spins, or worse. It could derail the whole lap.

Similarly, a marathon runner can’t skip hydration breaks thinking they’ll save time. Dehydration leads to cramps and slowdowns. It could mean dropping out of the race altogether.

In the same way, you might not realize just how much denying yourself that exhale—to play, to reward yourself freely—is costing you. It clouds your focus at work. It strains your relationships. That unmet need to create and enjoy doesn’t vanish. It builds up, and if not listened to, can create larger problems down the road like angry blow ups, burnout, avoidance of important problems, relationship stress and chronic pain.

Honor Needs Openly for Balance

Imagine honoring that need openly, without the sneakiness or shame. Picture building it right into your week—like scheduling an evening walk where your mind can wander, or dedicating time to a creative pursuit that brings a genuine smile.

Treat it as non-negotiable, just like a key meeting or a workout. As Winnecott, a British psychologist, once observed, “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.”

The Emotional Habit that’s Impacting Your Sleep

This pattern is a step-by-step emotional process where your drive to be always productive collides with a quieter, more authentic urge for down time, leading to an exhausting back-and-forth that gives you neither. This often traces back to early habits of always putting others first, shaping a pattern where your own needs feel secondary.

Here’s what’s unfolding inside:

  1. Constant Demands Build Up: Your day starts with a whirlwind of responsibilities—leading teams, solving problems, supporting family—where you’re always tuning yourself to fit what others need. It’s like wearing a mask of efficiency and reliability, but over time, this nonstop accommodation leaves little room for your own unfiltered thoughts or whims. By nightfall, you’re craving a break from this role, a space where you don’t have to adjust or perform.
  2. Personal Space Rebellion Emerges: As the house quiets down, that suppressed part of you stirs—a need for autonomy, for time that’s purely yours to let your mind drift or explore without agenda. It’s not laziness; it’s your creative self pushing back, seeking a moment of uninterrupted being where you can feel whole and alive, not fragmented by constant demands.
  3. Self-Doubt and Fragmentation Intrude: Just as you start to relax into it, the critical voice kicks in: “You should be productive or sleeping—this is selfish.” This clash creates an inner fracture, where guilt amplifies the tension, turning what could be restorative into something anxious and draining. You feel scattered, like pieces of yourself are pulling in opposite directions, leading to that numb, unproductive limbo.
  4. Grey Zone Stalemate Persists: Stuck in the middle, you default to safe but empty habits like doom-scrolling, which mimic freedom without delivering real joy or rest. The tug-of-war drags on, eroding your energy and leaving you frustrated, as neither side “wins”—you don’t get the sleep you need, nor the genuine recharge your inner self is begging for.
  5. Guilt wins: You finally tell yourself you’ve really messed up, and that you need to be better about getting to bed at a good time. You chastise yourself, and head off to bed dreading how tired you’ll be tomorrow, wishing you hadn’t been so selfish… only to start at #1 again in the morning.

Guilt Blocks Progress, Not Your Need for Down Time

The biggest hurdle to your sleep?

It’s NOT your need for down time.

This is where we need to get it right. Your need to relax and recoup, to access your creative self, is not the problem. The problem is that you’re not respecting your valid need for a break to yourself, and when you do, it’s crowded out by guilt.

That nagging guilt. It whispers that taking time for yourself is indulgent, that real leaders push through without “frivolous” breaks. Maybe it stems from early lessons about hard work equaling worth, or from seeing colleagues who seem to never slow down. Whatever the root, it keeps you locked in the tug-of-war, afraid that embracing your need to just be means dropping the ball elsewhere. But here’s the truth: ignoring that need doesn’t make it go away; it just manifests in ways that harm you more, like poor sleep, burnout, and that sense of inner unraveling.

Guilt is that root problem. If you didn’t have guilt, you might plan a reasonable time to enjoy yourself. Even a half hour doing something you truly enjoy *without guilt* is rewarding. But waffling back and forth all night leaves you both unsatisfied and more exhausted.

Guilty Self-Talk vs. Healthy Alternatives

Guilty PhraseHealthy Alternative
“I should be sleeping instead of this.”“I deserve this moment to unwind and recharge.”
“This time is such a waste— I need to be more disciplined.”“Taking time for myself now will make me sharper tomorrow.”
“Why do I always sabotage myself like this?”“It’s okay to honor my need for autonomy.”
“Real professionals don’t need personal time; they just power through.”“Play and rest are essential for my long-term success.”

Depth Therapy Offers Support

Therapy offers a gentle path forward. In these conversations, you explore the origins of that inner conflict in a safe, supportive space—no judgments, just curiosity. It’s about uncovering why you’ve learned to prioritize accommodation over your own creative flow. It’s also about rediscovering the freedom to exist without constant interruption or self-reproach.

You’ll learn to quiet the critical voice and build a stronger sense of permission, allowing your true self to surface without the anxiety of fragmentation. Many find that as they delve deeper, sleep improves naturally, energy returns, and life feels less like a constant pull and more like a harmonious flow. Reaching out to a therapist could be the kindest step you take for yourself.

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FAQ

What causes poor sleep hygiene for busy professionals?

For busy professionals who struggles to sleep at the end of the day, poor hygiene is often a conflict between daily demands and the need for personal autonomy, leading to guilt and unproductive habits that disrupt sleep.

How can professionals incorporate downtime without guilt?

Start by scheduling short, intentional breaks for enjoyable activities earlier in the evening, treating them as essential for overall well-being and performance.

When should someone consider psychotherapy for sleep issues?

Consider psychotherapy if guilt around self-care feels persistent and impacts sleep, work, or relationships, as it helps explore and resolve underlying conflicts.

What are quick ways to improve sleep hygiene?

Establish a consistent bedtime routine, limit screen time before bed, and create a calm sleep environment free from distractions.

How does poor sleep affect professional performance?

It can lead to reduced focus, decision-making errors, and increased stress, ultimately impacting productivity and relationships.

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Teen girl achieving success in school due to proven ADHD strategies
Managing emotions, Parenting

Screen Time Cripples Teen Girls’ Mental Health: How to Replace Social Media with Belonging

Written by Addy Sonneland

Imagine your teenage daughter scrolling endlessly on her phone late into the night, her face lit by the glow, but her mood darkening with each swipe. She seems more withdrawn, anxious about school or friends, and you’re left wondering if all that time online is taking a toll. If this scenario feels familiar, you’re not alone—many parents in Pasadena notice these shifts as screen time rises. Research increasingly links excessive screen use to mental health struggles in adolescent girls, from heightened depression to disrupted sleep.

In this post, we’ll explore research findings on screen time’s impact, categorize the top 3 negative effects on teenage girls with real examples, overview proven strategies to limit it, and highlight studies on replacing screens with in-person activities for positive change. Drawing from experts like Gabor Maté on trauma and disconnection, this can lead to less worry at home and healthier teens—let’s get started.

Research Findings on Screen Time’s Impact on Adolescent Girls’ Mental Health

Recent studies paint a concerning yet hopeful picture: Excessive screen time correlates with poorer mental health in teens, particularly girls, but awareness opens doors to change. As a parent watching your daughter navigate this digital world, it’s natural to feel a mix of worry and determination—let’s unpack what the data shows.

Key Studies Linking Screen Time to Mental Health Risks

A June 2025 APA study found each hour of screen time boosts depressive symptoms severity in adolescents, like a slow-building storm cloud over their emotional skies. CDC research from July 2025 linked high screen use to worse health outcomes, including mental distress, painting a vivid image of teens trapped in a cycle of scrolling and sadness. A 2025 meta-analysis showed screen time positively associated with depressive, anxiety, and stress symptoms, reminding us how these devices, meant to connect, can sometimes isolate our kids in invisible ways.

Girls’ Heightened Vulnerability in Screen Time Research

Girls appear more vulnerable: A UCSF study noted preteens with more screens face higher depression/anxiety later, especially girls, as if the constant comparisons act like mirrors distorting their self-view. Pew’s 2025 report tied social media to teen mental health woes, with girls reporting more negative impacts, evoking the heartache of seeing your daughter dim her light to match filtered ideals. Maté aligns this with healing emotional wounds through presence, fostering resilience against hypervigilance from rejection fears, offering hope that mindful interventions can turn the tide.

Broader Implications from Screen Time Studies

Overall, while moderate use may aid learning, over 2-3 hours daily—especially social media—heightens risks, per a 2025 BMC study, like a gentle stream turning into a raging river that erodes emotional stability. Girls show stronger links due to social comparison and cyberbullying. Maté warns, “Screens displace vital bonds,” compounding trauma through isolation, but this also highlights the power of real-world connections to rebuild what feels lost.

Top 3 Negative Impacts of Screen Time on Teenage Girls

From the research, three key negative impacts stand out for teenage girls, often more pronounced due to social dynamics. Here’s a breakdown with examples—think of these as warning signs, like storm clouds gathering, signaling it’s time for supportive action:

ImpactDescription & Examples
1. Increased Depression & Suicidal ThoughtsExcessive screens, especially social media, correlate with higher depressive symptoms and suicide risk in girls. A 2025 study found girls using phones 5+ hours/day 71% more likely for suicidal thoughts. Examples: Constant comparisons lead to low self-worth; one X parent shared, “My daughter cries over Instagram ‘perfect lives’—now she’s withdrawn and talks negatively about herself.” Maté links this to disconnection: “Trauma is…disconnection from ourselves,” fueled by virtual validation over real bonds.
2. Heightened Anxiety & StressScreens boost anxiety symptoms, with girls showing stronger associations. A 2025 analysis linked screen time to stress/depression in adolescents. Examples: FOMO from feeds causes restlessness; Reddit parents report, “My teen girl panics over unread messages, leading to sleep loss and school avoidance.” Maté notes addictive use as self-soothing gone awry, worsening emotional regulation.
3. Disrupted Sleep & Emotional ProblemsScreens interfere with sleep, linking to mood issues; a 2025 study showed addictive use triples suicide risk via poor rest. Examples: Late-night scrolling causes fatigue/irritability; X discussions highlight “grumpy mornings from TikTok binges.” Maté emphasizes this as compounding trauma through isolation: “High screen time…increases severity of depressive symptoms.”

These impacts create vicious cycles. Screens displace real interactions, deepening disconnection—Maté warns, “Close relationships are the center of a happy life,” yet screens often sabotage them.

Proven Strategies to Limit Screen Time Effectively in Teens

To counter these effects, parents can adopt research-backed strategies for limiting screen time, focusing on balance and alternatives. These approaches emphasize family involvement and positive replacements, creating a nurturing environment where teens feel supported rather than restricted.

Establish Family Agreements on Screen Limits

Set daily guidelines collaboratively, like 1-2 hours non-educational use, using apps for enforcement. A WHO report shows this aids mental health by reducing exposure. Maté supports: “Mindful limits foster presence.”

Make sure boundaries on screen time are co-created. Limits set by parents and communicated unilaterally to teens can create a power struggle filled with resentments. To avoid conflict, yet still create change, try including your teen in creating the screen time boundary:

  1. Present the problem. Tell your teen about the problem you see with the current arrangement with screens. Present the problem in light of your desire for their happiness and growth. For example, you might say, “I notice that you don’t do your normal hobbies after school much because of screens get in the way, then you get irritable when later you don’t have time to do these things that are really life-giving to you.”
  2. Connect with their goal. Ask your teen about how they feel about screen usage and if they were to make a change, what benefit it might have for them.
  3. Tell them your goal. Align with their goal while also stating what you’d like to change: “I agree and want you to grow in that way too. I feel it’s time we make a change with screen time so we can get there.
  4. Enlist their help. “Before I create a boundary, I thought I could get your ideas about the easiest way we could make a good change. What ideas do you have on how we could do screens differently that would make room for your hobbies and friends?”
  5. Negotiate. It’s ok to not just take their first idea. If it feels too mild or unrealistic, it can be intellectually engaging and respectful of their autonomy to be honest about concerns or questions you have, so they can adjust their idea with you: “Well I’m worried if we just limit screen usage after 9pm, we’re not making a change in the part of the day when it counts the most. How can we adjust it?”
  6. Make it pragmatic. Create a boundary that’s easy to remember and easy to enforce. Simple is better. Make a reminder next week on your calendar to check in about the new boundary and see what adjustments you need to make together.

Create Tech-Free Zones and Times

Designate bedrooms/meals as screen-free to improve sleep and interactions. Studies link this to lower anxiety; BMC research confirms reduced emotional distress. Imagine family dinners becoming warm havens of conversation, where laughter replaces notifications, helping your teen unwind naturally.

Model Healthy Screen Habits

Parents limiting their use sets examples—Pew notes teens mirror adults, aiding regulation. Encourage discussions on media’s “perfection” to combat comparison. Picture evenings where everyone plugs in devices together, modeling balance and opening doors to heartfelt talks about the day’s highs and lows.

Promote Offline Hobbies and Monitoring

Introduce sports/arts; BMC studies show exercise mitigates harms. Monitor content gently to address cyber issues. Envision your daughter trading scrolls for a dance class, her energy channeled into joy, with you cheering from the sidelines—small steps fostering resilience and fun.

Positive Outcomes from Replacing Screen Time with In-Person Activities for Girls

Research shows swapping screens for in-person activities markedly improves mental health, especially for girls, like sunlight breaking through clouds after a storm. A 2020 UBC study found teens (including girls) with more extracurriculars and less screen time had better mental health, reducing depression by promoting belonging. A 2022 UK study linked replacing screens with exercise to lowered emotional distress in teens, with girls showing greater benefits from social bonds, evoking the warmth of real friendships over digital likes.

A PLoS One meta-analysis noted “green time” (outdoor social activities) countered screen harms, improving well-being in adolescents by fostering real connections, as if nurturing a garden where self-esteem blooms. For girls, in-person interactions mitigate comparison anxiety from social media—Maté notes this rebuilds self-connection: “Screens displace vital bonds.” Examples: Group sports reduced loneliness in a BMC study, with girls reporting 50% less depressive symptoms, painting a vivid scene of laughter on the field replacing solitary scrolls.

Guidelines for Implementing Screen Limits and Replacements Step-by-Step

To apply this with care, approach as a team effort, like guiding your daughter through a foggy path toward clearer skies:

  1. Assess Usage: Track screen time family-wide—discuss impacts openly, perhaps over ice cream, to make it feel supportive rather than accusatory.
  2. Set Boundaries: Agree on limits (e.g., no phones at dinner); introduce in-person alternatives like family walks, starting small to build enthusiasm.
  3. Monitor & Adjust: Use apps for enforcement; celebrate successes with group activities like board games, adjusting based on her feedback to ensure it feels collaborative.

Screen time’s toll on girls’ mental health is real, but limits and social replacements offer hope, like planting seeds for a brighter future. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we help families navigate this through somatic therapy for embodied healing, addressing disconnection with warmth and tools tailored to your teen’s needs.

Ready to support your teen? Contact Here Counseling today—healthier habits await.

FAQ: Screen Time Impact on Adolescent Girls’ Mental Health

What is screen time’s impact on adolescent girls’ mental health?

Excessive screen time correlates with higher depression, anxiety, and sleep issues in girls; studies show social media amplifies comparison and stress.

Negative effects of screen time on teenage girls?

Top effects include increased depression/suicide risk, anxiety/stress, and disrupted sleep/emotional problems; research links 2+ hours daily to worsened symptoms.

How to limit screen time for teens?

Set family agreements on daily limits, create tech-free zones, and model behavior; encourage hobbies to replace screens effectively.

Benefits of replacing screen time with in-person activities?

Replacing screens with social activities reduces depression and boosts well-being; studies show extracurriculars cut emotional distress in teens.

Seek therapy if symptoms like persistent anxiety or withdrawal last over 2 weeks or disrupt daily life; early intervention prevents escalation.

Certified Somatic Therapy in Pasadena
Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy. I work with teens and families to break cycles of anxiety, conflict, and miscommunication. Helping teens heal from anxiety means working on more than just thoughts—it’s also about teaching their bodies to feel safe and regulated. Using somatic therapy techniques, I guide teens in noticing and shifting what’s happening inside, so they can break free from old patterns and discover their innate strengths. We work together with their families to create new ways of relating and supporting each other, building patterns that serve them for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and connection.

Learn more about teen therapy with Addy

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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Parenting, Somatic Exercises

Your Teen Overwhelmed by Back-to-School Anxiety? 3 Signs, 3 Parenting Pitfalls, and 3 Ways to Help Your Teen Succeed

Written by Addy Sonneland

Picture your teen pacing the kitchen the night before school starts, clutching their stomach and snapping at small questions, their usual spark dimmed by worry. As summer ends and routines resume in Pasadena, anxiety surges, overwhelming many adolescents with restlessness or tears. Back-to-school transitions stir deep fears in teens, from social pressures to academic demands.

In this post, we’ll explore 3 common symptoms teens show from back-to-school anxiety, explaining each with real examples and internal dynamics via interpersonal neurobiology and adolescent development research. Then, we’ll cover common parent missteps that heighten anxiety and effective strategies to support without removing stressors. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more resilient kids—let’s begin.

Sign #1: Physical Complaints Signal Back-to-School Anxiety

Parents often notice teens complaining of headaches, stomachaches, or muscle tension as school approaches, turning mornings into battles of persuasion. One Reddit parent shared, “My 13-year-old woke up with stomach cramps every day last week, saying ‘I can’t face school’—it’s clearly nerves about new teachers.” Social media posts describe “teens faking sick to skip the bus,” with symptoms like nausea peaking during back-to-school prep, disrupting family flow. These physical signs can linger into afternoons, with teens rubbing temples or curling up, signaling deep unease.

These bodily responses reflect a nervous system on high alert. Anxiety triggers the body’s stress response, releasing cortisol that manifests as pain. This is partially because the brain’s prefrontal cortex, responsible for regulation, is still maturing. Research from a 2023 CDC study shows 1 in 3 teens experience somatic symptoms from school-related stress, as the developing brain prioritizes survival over comfort. Internally, they’re wrestling with perceived threats—new social hierarchies or academic rigor—needing a safe outlet to process.

Sign #2: Avoidance Behaviors Reflect School Anxiety Struggles

Some teens resist attending school, faking illness or begging to stay home, transforming daily routines into emotional standoffs. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My 15-year-old refuses to get out of bed, claiming ‘I’m too sick’—it’s really panic about cliques and tests every morning.” X examples include “teens melting down at drop-off,” with avoidance escalating to missed days, leaving parents torn between discipline and concern. This can extend to avoiding homework or social events, creating a ripple of tension.

From an interpersonal neurobiology lens, avoidance stems from the amygdala hijacking the brain’s executive functions, perceiving school as a danger zone due to unfamiliarity or past bullying. Adolescent development research from a 2023 McLean Hospital study indicates hormonal shifts heighten this fight-or-flight response in 5-10% of anxious teens, as the still-developing prefrontal cortex struggles to override fear. Internally, they’re stuck in a loop of dread, needing a bridge back to safety without force.

Sign #3: Irritability Means Hidden Back-to-School Anxiety

Anxiety often surfaces as irritability, with teens snapping at siblings or parents over trivial issues, disrupting home harmony. One Reddit parent recounted, “My 14-year-old explodes after school—yelling about homework or a messy room, but it’s really ‘what if I fail?’ fears spilling out.” Social media posts describe “teens slamming doors post-bus,” with daily “mood swings” from unspoken worries, leaving families navigating a minefield of emotions.

Interpersonally, this reflects an immature emotional regulation system, where the limbic system’s reactivity outpaces prefrontal control, per a 2023 APA study noting a 30% rise in teen irritability during school transitions. Developmentally, puberty’s hormonal surge amplifies this, turning anxiety into a pressure cooker that bursts with frustration. Internally, they’re overwhelmed by new demands, needing a release valve for pent-up stress.

Common Parent Missteps That Worsen Teen Anxiety Symptoms

Well-meaning parents can unintentionally heighten teen anxiety through reactive or protective responses, creating unintended harm. These missteps often stem from a desire to alleviate distress but end up reinforcing dependency or fear.

1. Over-Functioning and Babying Teens

Taking over tasks like completing homework or driving them to avoid school amplifies reliance, as a 2023 Mott Children’s study found 25% increased dependence when parents over-function. For example, a parent might say, “I’ll do your project—don’t worry,” leaving the teen feeling incapable, deepening anxiety about facing challenges alone.

2. Becoming Cold and Punitive

Responding with harshness, like “Stop whining and go to school!” triggers more fear, per a 2023 Bryson-led study showing 40% increased dysregulation with punishment. A parent might ground a teen for avoidance, escalating tension—imagine a teen retreating further, feeling rejected instead of supported.

3. Ignoring Emotional Cues

Dismissing complaints with “It’s just nerves, get over it” invalidates their experience, per a 2024 AACAP report linking ignored emotions to 30% higher stress. For instance, brushing off a stomachache might push a teen to bottle up fears, worsening internal chaos.

These pitfalls trap teens in anxiety loops, where overprotection or punishment erodes their ability to self-regulate, leaving parents frustrated and teens more overwhelmed.

Effective Parent Strategies to Support Anxious Teens Without Removing Stressors

Instead of fixing problems, parents can empower teens to navigate anxiety with supportive strategies, fostering resilience and independence while maintaining safety.

1. Offer a Calm Presence for Emotional Regulation

Be a steady anchor, modeling deep breaths during overwhelm to integrate their nervous system—try “Let’s breathe together when it feels big.” A 2024 Compass Health study shows 40% reduced avoidance with this co-regulation, helping teens feel secure to face school.

2. Validate Feelings and Co-Create Solutions

Sit with their emotions, saying “This is tough—how can we tackle it?” to co-create plans, per a 2024 AACAP guide cutting stress by 30% with autonomy. For example, brainstorm a morning checklist together, giving them ownership while easing transition fears.

3. Encourage Structured Outlets for Expression

Guide them to outlets like journaling or sports, offering “Want to write it out or kick a ball?” A 2024 Cedars-Sinai report notes 35% fewer outbursts with structured release, building skills to process anxiety independently.

Parenting StrategyExampleEffect on ChildReference
Offer a Calm Presence“Let’s take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed about school.”40% reduced avoidance2024 Compass Health study
Validate Feelings and Co-Create“I see you’re worried—let’s plan your morning together.”30% stress reduction2024 AACAP guide
Encourage Structured Outlets“Want to journal or play soccer to unwind after school?”35% fewer outbursts2024 Cedars-Sinai study
Over-Functioning and Babying“I’ll do your project—don’t worry.”25% increased dependence2023 Mott Children’s study
Becoming Cold and Punitive“Stop whining and go to school!”40% increased dysregulation2023 Bryson-led study
Ignoring Emotional Cues“It’s just nerves, get over it.”30% higher stress2024 AACAP report

Guidelines for Seeking Therapy: When Teen Anxiety Warrants Professional Support

Normal anxiety fades; persistent symptoms need attention. Seek therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, disrupting school or sleep (e.g., refusal, insomnia); physical complaints persist; or self-harm thoughts emerge, per 2023 AACAP guidelines. Early intervention prevents escalation—Pasadena therapists like Here Counseling offer specialized support.

Supporting Teen Transitions: Therapy Eases Back-to-School Anxiety

These challenges are growth opportunities—understanding fosters empathy. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we help families through somatic therapy for calm integration.

Ready to support your teen? Contact Here Counseling today—brighter days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Anxiety Symptoms

What are common anxiety symptoms in teens returning to school?

Common symptoms include physical complaints, avoidance behaviors, and irritability; they arise from anxiety overwhelming the nervous system during transitions.

How does anxiety cause physical symptoms in teens?

Anxiety triggers bodily distress like headaches as the nervous system overreacts; research shows this peaks during school stress, needing calm support to ease.

Why do anxious teens avoid school?

Avoidance stems from anxiety viewing school as a threat; developmental studies link this to fear responses, eased by gradual exposure with empathy.

What causes teen irritability from school anxiety?

Irritability is anxiety’s overflow from stress; adolescent brain changes amplify this, requiring patience and outlets to restore balance.

When to seek therapy for teen back-to-school anxiety?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist 2+ weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm; early help like counseling prevents escalation per AACAP guidelines.

Certified Somatic Therapy in Pasadena
Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy. I work with teens and families to break cycles of anxiety. Helping teens heal from anxiety means working on more than just thoughts—it’s also about teaching their bodies to feel safe and regulated. Using somatic therapy techniques, I guide teens in noticing and shifting what’s happening inside, so they can break free from old patterns and discover their innate strengths. We work together with their families to create new ways of relating and supporting each other, building patterns that serve them for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and connection.

Learn more about teen therapy with Addy

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Teen back-to-school emotional issues
Managing emotions

7 Back-to-School Issues Teens Face, and How to Help

Written by herecounseling

The backpacks are packed, schedules are set, but as your teen heads off to school, you notice the shift: sullen moods, short tempers, or withdrawn silence after a long day. The transition from summer freedom to structured routines hits hard, stirring up anxiety, irritability, and more. You’re seeing these signs and wondering what’s normal versus when to worry. Many parents report similar struggles as adolescents navigate this pivotal time.

We’ll explore 7 common emotional symptoms teens experience returning to school, using real parent examples and quotes from online forums. For each, we’ll describe the typical problem, then dive into what’s happening in this unique developmental stage, using adolescent neurological and social research. We’ll also discuss what your teen might need, given the emotional issue they’re facing. At the end, guidelines on when to seek therapy. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more supported teens.

1. Anxiety and Overwhelm in Teens Returning to School

The Typical Problem: Heightened Worry and Physical Distress

Parents often describe teens overwhelmed by the return to academics, social pressures, and routines, leading to physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or avoidance behaviors. One Reddit parent shared: “My 14-year-old started having panic attacks the week before school—crying about ‘failing classes’ and ‘losing friends,’ even vomiting from nerves on the first day. It’s like summer erased her confidence.” Online posts expand on this, with examples of teens “freaking out over class schedules” or “begging to stay home because ‘everything feels too much.'” These worries can manifest in constant “what if” questions at home, disrupted sleep, or reluctance to discuss school, leaving parents feeling helpless as the anxiety spills into family dynamics.

What’s Happening Internally: Brain Remodeling Under Stress

During adolescence, the brain undergoes massive remodeling, making teens more sensitive to stress—Daniel Siegel calls this the “upstairs brain” (rational thinking) clashing with the “downstairs brain” (emotions), creating overwhelm like a “flipped lid” where logic shuts down: “When kids feel overwhelmed, their emotional brain takes over—it’s like a storm they can’t control yet.” Developmentally, hormonal changes amplify fears of failure or rejection, turning school into a high-stakes arena where overwhelm feels survival-level, often exacerbated by social media comparisons.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Safety and Co-Regulation

To recover, teens need a sense of safety through consistent routines and parental co-regulation. Labeling feelings like “I see you’re worried about fitting in” helps integrate brain functions. Developmentally, they crave validation of their emotions without dismissal, plus tools like journaling worries or short mindfulness breaks to rebuild resilience and reduce anxiety’s grip.

2. Irritability and Anger Outbursts in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Sudden Snaps and Emotional Volatility

Teens may snap over small things post-school, like homework or chores, as exhaustion fuels outbursts that strain family interactions. A parent on Reddit described in depth: “My 15-year-old comes home raging about ‘stupid teachers’ or siblings touching their stuff—it’s like a switch flips after school, turning minor annoyances into full-blown tantrums that last hours.” X examples include “daily meltdowns over nothing,” with parents noting increased defiance from pent-up frustration, such as slamming doors or refusing dinner, leaving everyone walking on eggshells.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Reactivity from Brain Changes

Siegel highlights adolescent “emotional intensity” from brain pruning, where the limbic system amps up reactivity: “Teens feel emotions more strongly, leading to outbursts as the brain learns regulation.” In development, puberty’s emotional volatility combines with school stressors like peer dynamics, making anger a release valve for unprocessed overwhelm or unmet needs.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Empathy and Decompression Space

Recovery involves empathy and space—Siegel’s “connect and redirect” means first attuning (“I see school’s tough today”) before guiding behavior. This means your teenager needs to first see that you are feeling what they’re feeling from their perspective, before you suggest changes. We recommend “time-ins” for joint calming, like deep breathing together. Developmentally, teens need outlets like exercise or hobbies to process volatility, plus emotional flexibility that affirms “Your feelings are valid, how can choose how to best express them?”

3. Depression and Low Mood in Adolescents Starting School

The Typical Problem: Withdrawal and Persistent Sadness

Parents report teens seeming “down” or unmotivated, withdrawing from activities or family, which can mimic laziness but signals deeper distress. One Reddit thread shared a vivid story: “My daughter was excited for school but now she’s just sad all the time, sleeping through weekends, skipping meals, and saying ‘nothing matters’—it’s like the spark’s gone.” Social media posts mention “post-summer blues” worsening into “not wanting to do anything,” with examples of lost interest in hobbies or friends, worrying parents about long-term impacts.

What’s Happening Internally: Disrupted Reward and Connection Systems

Siegel describes teen depression as disrupted integration: “When the brain’s reward systems remodel, low mood can emerge from feeling disconnected.” Sadness is about unmet needs for connection and understanding. Developmentally, identity formation amid peer comparisons and academic demands can trigger hopelessness, especially if school feels like constant evaluation without support.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Purpose-Building

To recover, teens need belonging. Get your child outside engaged with other kids and adults who know them. They might benefit from an activity that requires their help to accomplish a shared goal, like cooking a family meal, being part of a team sport or musical, or engaging in a collaborative hobby with friends.

4. School Avoidance or Refusal in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Resistance and Morning Battles

Some teens resist attending, faking illness or outright refusing, turning mornings into power struggles. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My son refuses school every morning—says it’s too much, hides under covers, and we’ve had tears and arguments daily since day one.” Social media examples include “teens begging to stay home” due to “bullying or overload,” with parents struggling to motivate without force, fearing truancy or emotional harm.

What’s Happening Internally: Fear Overriding Rationality

Siegel explains avoidance as “downstairs brain” dominance: “Fear overrides logic, making school feel like danger.” In adolescent development, autonomy clashes with structure, amplifying resistance when emotional regulation lags behind cognitive growth.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gradual Exposure and Support

Recovery requires gradual exposure—Siegel’s “window of tolerance” expands by starting small, like partial days with check-ins. Developmentally, teens need autonomy in solutions, like counseling or schedule adjustments, to rebuild confidence and attendance. This means including your teen in making decisions about their schedule and priorities, as much as possible. Engage in negotiation in a way that takes seriously the conflict: “Let’s think about this: I hear you’re feeling exhausted by team practice, so what’s the best way to handle it that doesn’t make things harder for you down the line?”

5. Social Withdrawal and Loneliness in Returning Teens

The Typical Problem: Isolation from Peers and Family

Teens may isolate, avoiding friends or family post-school, which parents notice as “hiding in rooms” or declining invites. Reddit parents note, “My 16-year-old comes home and hides in their room—no more social life, even ignoring texts from friends.” Social media shares “loneliness after summer break,” with examples of “cyberbullying pushing kids inward” or “feeling outcast in cliques,” worrying about long-term effects on self-esteem.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Rejection Sensitivity

Siegel views withdrawal as integration failure: “Social brains crave connection, but remodeling can heighten rejection sensitivity.” Developmentally, peer focus intensifies, making social setbacks feel like identity threats amid brain changes prioritizing belonging.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gentle Reconnection and Validation

To recover, teens need gentle reconnection—Siegel’s attunement means mirroring feelings: “It sounds lonely; I’m here.” Developmentally, they benefit from low-stakes social steps, like clubs or therapy groups, to rebuild belonging and reduce isolation. Consider talking with other parents about limiting screen or social media time and promote in-person non-screen-based activities. Often social media can act like a collective trap, and collaboration with other parents can help build healthy social connections for everyone.

6. Sleep Disturbances and Fatigue in School-Bound Teens

The Typical Problem: Insomnia and Daytime Exhaustion

Parents report insomnia or oversleeping disrupting moods and performance. One Reddit post said, “Teen can’t sleep from school worry, then crashes all weekend—grumpy and unfocused daily.” Social media posts mention “exhaustion from early starts,” with examples of “falling asleep in class” or “nighttime scrolling anxiety,” concerning parents about academic fallout.

What’s Happening Internally: Shifted Circadian Rhythms

Siegel links this to brain changes: “Adolescent sleep patterns shift later, clashing with school schedules and heightening fatigue.” In development, circadian shifts combine with stress, impairing emotional control and amplifying irritability.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Consistent Routines and Rest

Recovery involves consistent routines—Siegel recommends “brain hygiene” like dim lights pre-bed. Developmentally, teens need later bedtimes with screen limits, plus naps or therapy if fatigue persists, to restore energy and mood. Making changes to their routine can be difficult: consider, as we talked about in #4, co-creating a solution with your teen to help reduce the power struggle over their time.

7. Low Self-Esteem and Identity Struggles in Teens Back at School

The Typical Problem: Self-Doubt Amid Comparisons

Teens may doubt themselves amid comparisons, affecting motivation and interactions. A Reddit parent shared, “My kid feels ‘stupid’ after bad grades—self-esteem tanked, avoiding friends and activities.” Social media examples include “identity crises from cliques,” with “shame over fitting in” or “constant self-criticism,” alarming parents about withdrawal.

What’s Happening Internally: Remodeling Self-Concept

Siegel describes “identity remodeling”: “Teens question ‘who am I?’ amid brain changes, leading to self-doubt.” Developmentally, abstract thinking heightens self-criticism in evaluative environments like school, intensifying struggles.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Affirmation and Identity Support

To recover, teens need affirmation—Siegel’s “mindsight” encourages self-reflection: “Help them see strengths.” Developmentally, they benefit from identity-exploring activities like clubs or therapy, rebuilding esteem through successes and acceptance.

When Should I Consider Therapy?

While some back-to-school emotions are normal, persistent or intense symptoms warrant professional support. Consider therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, interfering with daily life (e.g., missing school); physical signs like eating/sleep changes accompany moods; teen expresses hopelessness or self-harm thoughts; or family dynamics worsen. Early intervention prevents escalation.

We have therapists who can help your teen recover to their normal self. In fact, these emotional changes can sometimes be important signals for needed change as they develop into a young adult. Our therapists can help you avoid painful arguments with your teen and create space for them to thrive.

Teen therapy in Pasadena for adolescents

Schedule Teen Therapy in Pasadena

I help teens in Pasadena recover from depression, self-harm, and panic attacks using somatic therapy. I’m Addy Sonneland and I’m a somatic therapist in Pasadena. I can help your teen recover and build on the strengths they need to thrive.

In our consultation call, you can tell me what you’re experiencing with your teen, and I can share how I can help.

Schedule a Call with Addy

Embracing Support: Therapy for Teen Transitions

These challenges are part of growth, but understanding helps. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support teens and families through somatic and relational therapy for smoother school starts.

Ready to ease the transition? Contact Here Counseling today—calmer days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Emotional Challenges

What are common emotional symptoms when teens return to school?

Common symptoms include anxiety, irritability, low mood, avoidance, withdrawal, sleep issues, and self-esteem struggles; they stem from readjustment stresses.

How does school start affect teen anxiety?

School start heightens anxiety through social and academic pressures; Siegel notes brain remodeling amplifies overwhelm, making routines key for regulation.

Why do teens get irritable after school?

Irritability arises from exhaustion and unmet needs; Bryson explains it’s nervous system overload, eased by co-regulation and empathy.

Signs of teen depression from school?

Signs like withdrawal or hopelessness signal depression; development research shows peer comparisons intensify low mood during transitions.

When to seek therapy for back-to-school issues?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist over 2 weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm thoughts; early help prevents escalation.

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Therapy for healing self-criticism, judgement, and blame with self-compassion and hope
Managing emotions

Are You Your Own Worst Critic? How to Heal Self-Criticism

Written by Andrew Wong

Whoever first realized, “I am my own worst critic” brilliantly described a painful and all too-common way many people relate to themselves. Self-criticism involves harsh or negative views and judgements of one’s self. This pattern of self-criticism is especially overwhelming because the critic is not someone “out there” that can be escaped, but emerges from within someone’s core beliefs and self-concept. Those who suffer from self-criticism feel as if a harsh judge follows right behind them, waiting to criticize any mistake or misstep, no matter how small 1. 

Self-criticism can be hard to identify, especially for people caught in relating to themselves harshly. Here are several examples of what self-critical thoughts sounds like and possible feelings tied to them:

  • I always make mistakes and I’ll never do better (Feelings: despair, fear)
  • I’m selfish and deserve to be treated badly for it (Feelings: shame, loneliness)
  • I’ll never be as good as her (Feelings: envy, embarrassment)

While self-criticism is a common and painful experience, it is not the most central truth of any person’s life. Beneath the self-criticism, and whatever pain made it necessary, is a living person that desires to heal. Through cultivating new ways of relating to themselves, people can experience self-compassion and understanding. In this article I explore self-criticism, how it contributes to suffering in our lives, why we adopted this relational pattern, and practices for healing harsh judgement with self-compassion. 

Self-Criticism or Healthy Standards?

Through my experiences helping people heal from self-criticism, it’s important to distinguish between holding healthy standards and punishing self-criticism. Below I share common ways people describe healthy standards as well as possible feelings that come along with relating to yourself with a healthy vision of who you want to be. 

Healthy Standards: Hope for the Future

  • I made a mistake but I genuinely want to learn from it and grow (Feelings: hope, strength, resolve)
  • I acted selfishly so I want to repair the relationship (Feelings: healthy guilt, compassion for others)
  • My colleague is so skilled, I want to keep growing too (Feelings: excitement, passion)

Healthy standards give us a vision of the person we want to become. These standards can be internalized from our religious and ethical values, our families, and the people we respect. High standards allowed us to see ourselves as someone on the way, neither perfect nor worthless, but capable of growth and worthy of respect. 

Self-Criticism: Trapped and Powerless

Quite differently, self-criticism creates a completely fixed sense of who we are. It is as if a judge has passed a life-sentence upon us. This harsh judgement communicates that we are bad, unworthy, and powerless to change. One of the easiest ways to determine whether you are holding high standards or self-criticism is to ask yourself: Do I feel hopeful about who I am becoming and my future? Or do I feel powerless and trapped in imperfections?

Being Your Own Worst Critic Leads to Suffering

When self-criticism plays a powerful role in how you understand yourself and navigate through life, it also places you at increased risk for adverse mental health outcomes.

Depression

Unrealistic and harsh judgement are frequently related to low mood, strong negative emotions, and even depression. Punishing self-criticism contributes significant stress to someone and places them at-risk of developing depression. For people actively experiencing depression, the common feelings of worthlessness and inordinate guilt can be sustained or worsened by self-judgement. 

Generalized and Social Anxiety

Anticipating that you will make mistakes and fail can contribute to anxiety disorders, which are characterized by overwhelming worry, restlessness, and fear. Many self-critical people report especially difficult anxiety brought on by social interactions. This is completely understandable since the self-critical person believes that the way they view themselves must be how others also see them. 

Control and Escape

Harsh self-criticism causes people to suffer in profound ways. Anyone caught in these patterns of self-judgement and rejection will understandably look for ways to control and soothe their pain. However, the person suffering from self-criticism often feels cut off from the compassion of others and even their own self-compassion.

This is where highly self-critical people, seeking some relief, may fall into stressful fixations. Seeking some order and relief from the punishing judge, self-critical people may over-control what they can. Unfortunately, their lives can easily become overwhelmed by concerns about:

  • The food they eat
  • What people think about them
  • The grades they receive
  • Their performance at work

Others who feel attacked by the self-critical voice may try to numb or distract themselves from harsh judgement through: 

  • Using alcohol and other substances
  • Seeking constant stimulation and interaction
  • Spending excessive time online

Despite these understandable attempts to find relief, the judge eventually re-emerges. Self-critical people then experience even more of this harsh judgement for dissatisfying attempts at self-soothing. 

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

People who suffer from self-criticism frequently share the deep desire to be free of their harsh judge and are puzzled by the ways they feel trapped by it. Oftentimes, someone suffering from self-criticism may not realize that the judge exists because it once helped us to survive and navigate the challenges of life. Below I explain common purposes that self-criticism plays in the lives of people.

Protecting Loved Ones By Taking the Blame

Growing up means building relationships with imperfect parents and caregivers. Even the best parents fail to connect with their children in every situation. Through early childhood experiences, you may have received the message that your parents or caregivers could not tolerate the inevitable challenges of being family. 

In these cases, you may have learned that by taking on all the blame (“It was my fault mom, I’m sorry I was so bad”) you protected your loved one and your relationship. For people who experienced harm from parents and caregivers through abuse or neglect, self-criticism and blame may be even more extreme.

Fitting In and Meeting Expectations

Our lives are also shaped by cultural and social expectations. We want to be “good” people, however that goodness is understood by our families, traditions, and cultures. Relationships with others in our lives also come with expectations. We want to please teachers and coaches, bosses and colleagues, friends and romantic partners. Over time we may embrace self-criticism as a way of meeting standards and maintaining these relationships. 

Controlling Uncontrollable Situations 

Each of our lives is touched by suffering and adversity, albeit in very different ways. At times, experiences feel uncontrollable and go beyond our ability to make sense of them. Trauma occurs when we experience something so stressful that it overwhelms our ability to describe it with words, contain it with feelings, and process it in our body.

Self-criticism is one way to maintain some sense of control amid stress and trauma. A harsh self-criticism (“It was all my fault that terrible event happened”) provides some sense of control and may feel less overwhelming than the truth (“No one could have stopped what happened, it was simply uncontrollable”).

Self-Criticism Came From Somewhere, It’s Time to Heal It

Like any psychological challenge or unhealthy pattern, self-criticism represents a way we learned to navigate the world. In many cases, it was once a brilliant and sadly necessary way to get through life. Healing from self-criticism means understanding the role you once needed it to play. With that recognition also comes the truth that there are other ways to relate to yourself, your relationships, and the challenges of life that do not harshly judge you. Self-compassion is one way forward.

Self-Compassion Heals Self-Criticism

While self-criticism may have been a key way of navigating the world, there are ways to begin healing your internal judge. Even patterns first established in early-childhood can be transformed. Below are three reflection exercises to help you grow in self-compassion today. 

Take a Long-Term Perspective

Growth and change take time. While the self-critic points out that you haven’t reached every one of your goals, self-compassion invites you to take a long-term view of your life and recognize the progress you have made. How have you already grown, changed, or healed? Can you take time to feel the emotions that rise in you as you consider your victories, successes, and perseverance? You may not be where you ultimately hope to be yet, but how far have you come already? 

Speak to Yourself Compassionately

Who has shown you love and acceptance in your life? Can you imagine that person looking you in the eyes and telling you some truth about who you are? If you don’t go immediately to the self-critic and judge, what does this loving relationship say about you? Linger in the feelings and images that emerge as you remain with this loved one and take in their words to you. 

Imagine Your Younger Self

As an adult, can you now tell your younger self what they needed to hear and know–that the hurt was not all their fault, that they were just a kid, that they are strong and will get through the adversity to keep living? While self-criticism keeps people frozen in time, self-compassion allows us to reach into the past and imagine the future from this present moment of compassion and strength. If this exercise brings on feelings that are too overwhelming or difficult, that is ok. The journey of self-compassion takes time and is not meant to be taken alone. 

Therapy for Self-Criticism 

Whether you have worked on self-criticism for years or are just beginning to recognize this pattern in your life, therapy is a powerful relationship to heal the judge and learn self-compassion. In my work with people from many life seasons and experiences, I have learned that the common factor for healing self-criticism is a compassionate and wise relationship. 

If you experience self-criticism and judgement as simply “who you are” a therapist can partner with you to disentangle this pattern from the reality of who you are. Others have gained tremendous insight about their self-criticism, but still don’t feel any differently. A therapist can provide insight into how your thoughts, feelings, and body can experience real healing and relief from judgement. You don’t need to face self-criticism alone. It is time to confront the pattern of harsh self-criticism and cultivate self-compassion in your life, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression
Learn about Therapy with Andrew

FAQ: Healing Self-Criticism

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism involves harsh, negative self-judgments that create an internal critic, such as thoughts like “I always make mistakes” leading to feelings of despair or fear. It’s often internalized and can feel constant.

How does self-criticism differ from healthy standards?

Healthy standards are growth-oriented and inspire hope, while self-criticism feels fixed and powerless, focusing on flaws without room for improvement.

What are the effects of self-criticism on mental health?

Self-criticism can contribute to depression (low mood, worthlessness), anxiety (worry, fear of failure), and maladaptive coping like over-control, substance use, or escapism.

Where does self-criticism come from?

It often originates as a survival strategy, such as taking blame to protect relationships, meeting societal expectations, or attempting to control trauma and uncontrollable situations.

How can I heal self-criticism?

Healing involves cultivating self-compassion through reflection exercises and therapy, transforming judgmental thoughts into kinder, more supportive self-talk.

What is self-compassion and how does it help with self-criticism?

Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness during struggles. It heals self-criticism by reducing suffering, fostering growth, and disentangling criticism from your identity.

What exercises can help practice self-compassion?

Try these: Reflect on long-term growth perspectives, imagine compassionate words from loved ones directed at yourself, or comfort your younger self in a visualization.

When should I seek therapy for self-criticism?

Seek therapy if self-criticism feels overwhelming, deeply ingrained, impacts daily life or mental health, or if self-help exercises aren’t enough for lasting change.

1 I am indebted to the work of Allan Abbas, MD for this image of the cruel judge and how it functions in the metapsychology of people.

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Managing emotions

Why That Toxic Relationship is Created by the Pain You’re Trying to Avoid (And How to Break Free)

Written by herecounseling

Certain relationships feel like a rerun of old wounds.

Maybe it’s a partner whose constant criticism makes you feel small, just like a judgmental parent did in childhood. Or perhaps their helplessness leaves you frustrated and overburdened, echoing the abandonment from an unreliable caregiver.

These “toxic” relationships aren’t accidents—they’re born from pains being desperately avoided. In fact, they come from specific emotions that you’ve tried to avoid, like anger, sexuality, anxiety, or sadness.

These avoided emotions tend to reemerge in close relationships, acting like a nagging splinter you can’t get out. Why does this happen? In this article you’ll learn the two ways your mind recreates the emotional you’re trying to avoid in your closest relationships and in your mind, and how confronting the pain actually leads to freedom from the cycle.

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

A lot of energy goes into dodging painful experiences. Whether it’s vowing never to explode in anger like a volatile parent or swearing off any hint of dependency after feeling let down as a kid, the goal is clear: avoid that hurt at all costs. But here’s the irony—the more something is run from, the more it shows up, often in the closest relationships. This isn’t just bad luck; it’s rooted in how the mind and emotions work.

Humans are wired to feel the full range of emotions: anger, affection, sadness, confidence, helplessness, and more. Self-regulation—the ability to handle these without getting overwhelmed—depends on integrating them all. Picture the mind as a spacious house. If one room represents a scary emotion, like anxiety or erotic feelings, and it’s boarded up, that room doesn’t shrink away. It expands, demanding attention until the door is opened.

Childhood often sets this up. For instance, an angry parent might lead you to disown anger entirely: “If I express it, I’ll hurt people and get rejected.” Sexuality could feel taboo, especially if it was shamed. Or helplessness might be rejected, particularly for those socialized to always appear strong, like many men. These disowned parts don’t disappear—they get recreated either inside the mind or in external relationships through two mechanisms: introjection and projection.

Break the Cycle—Heal What’s Beneath

Toxic patterns often start with hidden pain. Therapy can help you uncover what’s driving your choices and guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Reach out when you’re ready.

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Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

Introjection is one way avoided pain loops back internally. It’s like taking a painful dynamic from someone else and making it part of the self, often as a way to cope or stay connected to that person, even if it’s harmful. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes this as evolving from early “incorporation,” where children essentially swallow aspects of others whole, to more mature forms of identification. In essence, it’s an unconscious defense that internalizes attitudes or behaviors to manage anxiety, but it can turn self-destructive.

Think of it this way: repeated exposures in childhood carve deep tracks in the mind. These become inherited ways of handling emotions, even if they’re unhelpful. Heinz Kohut, a key figure in self psychology, linked such internalizations to building a sense of self, where external supports (like a parent’s validation) get taken in to form inner resilience. But when the internalized part is critical or punishing, it creates an ongoing internal struggle.

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Take the example of a critical dad who always found fault—naysaying ideas, never fully satisfied, unable to share in happiness. As a child, this might make you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. The response? “I’m never going to be like that. I don’t want to experience that pain again, and I won’t inflict it on others.” So, as an adult, distance is created: avoiding that parent, steering clear of critical friends, protecting peace by limiting exposure.

But here’s where introjection kicks in. Even after cutting ties, a template forms in the mind from those years of interaction. While working on a project, applying for a job, or planning something special, an inner voice pipes up: “Why do you have to do that? You can’t get it right. That’s not good enough.” It’s the same criticism, now self-directed. This isn’t random—it’s because those well-worn childhood paths become part of self-regulation, a way to navigate emotions.

Worse, there’s often an attachment to this voice. Deep down, it feels like without that self-criticism, things would fall apart—you’d be a mess, an embarrassment, unworthy. It’s a twisted way of staying connected to the parent, believing their harshness somehow kept you in line. Acknowledging this is hard: realizing that no matter how many people are cut off, the voice remains, and that there’s even some affection for it, like a keepsake. But until it’s faced—as a defense against deeper shame or smallness—the pain recreates itself, turning the inner world into a “bad relationship” with the self.

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

Projection takes the disowned emotion and attributes it to someone else, outsourcing the feeling while still engaging with it indirectly. It’s a defense that keeps the self unaware of its own role, as McWilliams notes: “Projection is the process whereby what is inside is misunderstood as coming from outside.” In healthy forms, it’s the root of empathy—projecting personal experiences to understand others. But when it involves intolerable parts, like hidden hostility or dependency, it breeds misunderstandings and damage.

Melanie Klein, an object relations theorist, saw projection as part of a cycle with introjection, where “good” and “bad” mental representations (objects) get split, pushed out, and pulled back in to ease anxieties. Otto Kernberg built on this, describing how these processes organize early internalizations, often fusing feared elements into ongoing relational patterns.

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

Let’s use helplessness as an illustration. Suppose a parent was perpetually overwhelmed—throwing up hands, unable to handle responsibilities, leaving you to pick up the slack. As a kid, this feels shameful and abandoning: “I never want to be that way; if I am, no one will care for me.” So, vulnerability gets disowned.

In adulthood, helpless moments still arise—we’re human, needing support sometimes. But owning that feels too risky. Instead, projection happens: attributing helplessness to others. Relationships form where you play the savior—doing things unasked, assuming they can’t manage, dismissing their input or wisdom. Suddenly, the partner resembles that unreliable parent, and annoyance builds. You’ve recreated the very dynamic avoided, now externalized.

This extends to other emotions. With anger from a raging parent, tension rises, and it’s assumed the other is furious: “What are you so angry about?” This gaslighting or denial can provoke real anger in them, making you the “calm” one while they embody the disowned part. There’s even subtle attraction—getting close to an angry person lets you vicariously touch that energy without owning it.

Sexuality follows suit: disowned erotic feelings get pinned on a partner—”They’re always coming on to me”—allowing denial while invading their space. Sadness might mean surrounding yourself with melancholic people, avoiding your own grief but feeling burdened by theirs.

In all cases, projection finds “containers” for the forbidden—people who might naturally lean that way, amplified by your behavior. It’s not just selection; it’s creation, turning relationships toxic until the projection is recognized.

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

This recreation can feel profoundly unfair, like an endless hell of repeated suffering. But there’s hope in viewing it existentially: it’s the psyche saying, “Return to the scene of the accident.” These patterns—internal critics or projected dynamics—are invitations to confront what’s avoided, to own the anger, sexuality, anxiety, or helplessness as valid parts of the self that need to be recognized and cared for.

The pain from childhood isn’t your fault—abuse, neglect, or criticism wasn’t chosen. But as adults, it’s a responsibility to address how it lingers, affecting ourselves and others. Disowning keeps the cycle spinning; acknowledging and feeling it fully brings catharsis, a release that’s been needed. Psychotherapy offers a space for this, helping integrate disconnected parts into a coherent whole, fostering relationships that bring life instead of torment.

If a “toxic” relationship feels like a echo of old pain, start by identifying the avoided experience. What emotion represents the deepest hurt? Confront it compassionately, take responsibility for its impact, and watch freedom unfold.

You can confront the pain and experience enormous relief. That’s what our therapists are trained to do. We can help you grow your awareness so you can resolve the pain you’ve experienced, so it stops being recreated in your life. Reach out to us today and schedule a consultation:

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FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships often stem from unresolved childhood pain, like criticism or abandonment, leading to patterns of introjection (internalizing hurts) or projection (attributing them to others). These recreate familiar dynamics until you confront and own the emotions, breaking the cycle through self-awareness and therapy.

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

Patterns arise from disowned emotions—anger, helplessness, or shame—pushed away in childhood. Avoidance recreates them via defense mechanisms like introjection (echoing inner critics) or projection (outsourcing to partners), acting as a call to integrate these parts for healthier bonds.

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

Start by identifying avoided pains and owning them—acknowledge anger or vulnerability without shame. Set boundaries, seek therapy to process childhood wounds, and surround yourself with supportive people. This shifts your energy, drawing in nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones.

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is internalizing others’ traits or dynamics, like adopting a critical parent’s voice as your inner critic. It helps cope with vulnerability but recreates pain internally, turning self-talk toxic until faced and reframed for better self-regulation.

What is projection in relationships?

Projection attributes disowned feelings to others, like seeing helplessness in a partner while denying your own. It builds toxic dynamics by provoking or amplifying the avoided emotion, often subconsciously recreating childhood hurts until owned through reflection and responsibility.

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Somatic Therapy; Anxiety; Panic Attacks
Managing emotions

5 Somatic Therapy Tools for Calming Panic Attacks

Written by Addy Sonneland
Somatic Therapy; Anxiety; Panic Attacks

Panic attacks can feel overwhelming, sudden, and out of your control. Your heart races, your chest tightens, your breath shortens, and it can feel like something terrible is about to happen—even if there’s no clear danger in front of you. While these intense experiences are deeply disruptive, they are not signs of weakness or brokenness. Your nervous system is fighting to protect you.

In somatic therapy, we understand panic attacks as the body going into survival overdrive. The nervous system is responding to a real or perceived threat, flooding the brain with signals that it’s not safe. But just as the body can be activated into a fight-or-flight response, it can also be gently guided back into a state of regulation and calm.

Let’s explore how somatic practices can support you in moments of panic—offering your nervous system the safety and care it needs to complete the trauma response and come back to balance.

Why Panic Attacks Happen: A Nervous System Perspective

When a panic attack strikes, it’s not just “in your head”—your entire nervous system is activated. This is your body’s ancient survival response kicking in. It prepares you to fight, flee, or freeze in response to perceived danger.

Common physical symptoms of panic include:

  • Rapid heartbeat
  • Chest tightness
  • Racing thoughts
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Dizziness or hyperventilation

These reactions are not random—they are survival energy moving through your system. And with the right tools, you can help that energy discharge safely, instead of staying stuck.

You Don’t Have to Manage Panic Alone

If panic attacks are disrupting your life, therapy can help you feel safer in your body again. Reach out today to explore somatic tools that truly support you.

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The Somatic Shift: Meet Panic with Compassion, Not Fear

What if, instead of fighting the panic or trying to shut it down, you learned to meet it with presence and care?

When we respond to panic with curiosity, compassion, and somatic tools, we invite the nervous system to complete what it started—to finish the trauma response and return to regulation. This process is at the heart of somatic therapy.

Below are several somatic practices that can soothe the nervous system during a panic attack and help it remember safety.

Somatic Practices for Panic Relief

1. Ice Packs Under the Armpits

Placing ice packs or even cold compresses under your arms can initiate the diving reflex—a powerful response that slows your heart rate and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (your body’s calming system). The diving reflex redirects oxygen-rich blood back toward vital organs like the heart and lungs instead of outer extremities.

This sudden cold exposure also shocks your brain into focusing on a new, non-threatening sensation, which can help interrupt the panic loop.

2. Deep Vocalization (or Shaking)

Making low, resonant sounds like a long sigh, deep hum, groan, or primal yell can activate the vagus nerve, which is a key player in nervous system regulation. These sounds signal to your brain: “I am safe. I am grounded.” Shaking—like literally letting your arms, legs, or whole body tremble—is another natural way to discharge adrenaline and survival energy stored in the body. Somatic trauma expert, Peter Levine, describes this process as re-channeling the survival energy into an active response that returns the body to safety.

3. Chew Gum (or Pretend to Chew)

The brain associates chewing with eating, and we don’t eat when we’re in danger. Chewing activates the rest-and-digest part of the nervous system and signals safety. Even pretending or mimicking chewing can begin to send calming signals to your brain and body. This simple action can help shift you out of a stress response by mimicking a non-threatening behavior. It’s especially helpful in public spaces where more obvious somatic tools might not feel accessible.

4. Wall Pushes for Strength and Stability

Pushing your palms firmly into a wall, with steady pressure, can help anchor you in your body. When pushing against a wall, we engage the fight response– particularly deep core muscles like the psoas, which are strongly linked to the stress response. Pushing sends a signal to your brain that you are strong, capable, and present.

5. Suck on Sour or Spicy Candy

Panic loops tend to keep the brain . A sudden strong sensory input—like a sour lemon candy or spicy flavor—gives your brain something new and intense to focus on, interrupting the cycle. But beyond just being a distraction, sucking itself is a powerful somatic act. From infancy, sucking is one of the first self-soothing mechanisms we develop. It’s rhythmic, repetitive, and deeply regulating. Engaging this reflex as an adult can stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, specifically the vagus nerve, helping the body shift from a state of high alert to one of calm and rest. This simple action can reconnect you to a felt sense of comfort and safety—rooted in the earliest ways our bodies learned to self-regulate.

Rewiring the Nervous System Over Time

If panic or anxiety is a regular part of your life, these tools can offer immediate disruption of the pain cycle—but they are not a cure-all. Ongoing panic may be a sign that your nervous system is stuck in survival mode and hasn’t learned how to return to a state of rest and regulation.

This is where somatic therapy can be transformative. Through consistent work with a trained therapist, you can begin to:

  • Release stored trauma
  • Complete unfinished survival responses
  • Rewire your nervous system for safety, peace, and resilience

You Are Not Broken—You’re Wired for Protection

Panic is not a flaw. It’s your body trying to protect you.

And with somatic support, your system can learn that it’s safe to let the alarm settle.

If you’re ready for deeper healing—beyond just managing symptoms—somatic therapy can help you feel safe in your body again.

Interested in working together to support your nervous system healing?
Schedule a free phone consultation to learn more about somatic therapy and how it can help you move from survival to safety.

Learn more about Somatic Therapy with Addy

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People-pleasing, boundaries, self-care, toxic boundaries, and self-awareness
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Toxic, Even if You People-Please

Written by herecounseling

In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence

You don’t have to choose between keeping the peace and honoring yourself. Start therapy and learn how to speak up without feeling guilty.

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Boundary Obsession Comes From Social Anxiety

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

  1. Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
  2. People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
  3. Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
  4. Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
  5. Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
  6. Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

StepDescription
1. Social IsolationSocial isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-PleasingWe suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted CornerWe create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. SuppressionWe suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. ProjectionWe think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude BoundariesWe react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

  • Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
  • Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
  • Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

  1. Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
  2. Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
  3. Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

  1. “I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
    How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
  2. “You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
    How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
  3. “I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
    How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
  4. “This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
    How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
  5. “You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
    How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
  6. “Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
    How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

  1. “I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
    How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
  2. “It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
    How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
  3. “I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
    How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
  4. “Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
    How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
  5. “You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
    How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
  6. “I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
    How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
  7. “It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
    How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

  1. Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
  2. Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
  3. Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.

Our Pasadena Therapists
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lonely and disconnected social support
Managing emotions

Why do I feel lonely and disconnected? Look at your social support

Written by Andrew Wong

If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from others in your life, you’re not alone. The U.S. surgeon general recently declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic affecting people of every age, background, and experience.1 Whether you have struggled with loneliness for as long as you can remember or have recently become disconnected from important people in your life, there are many ways to improve your connection and enjoyment in relationships.

Social support comes from strong relationships

To improve your sense of connection to others it helps to understand what relationships provide. One of the key ways that relationships benefit us is through social support, or “the degree to which people are accepted by, cared for, and attended to by important others.”2 Connection with many people in our lives, from friends and family, to romantic partners, colleagues, and those we worship or live with, promotes our mental and physical wellbeing. 

If you are experiencing isolation and loneliness, it is likely that you are also feeling impacts on your emotional and physical health like increased stress, stronger unpleasant emotions, poor sleep and fatigue. As you might guess, reduced social support also makes it harder to pursue important life goals like doing your best in school and growing in your career.

You’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone

If you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, it might be time to rebuild your support system—with help. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore what you need and how to ask for it.

Therapy session Contact Us

Social support gives a sense of meaning

Relationships, and the essential social support they provide, ultimately shape our sense of meaning and purpose in life. Beyond our daily needs for survival, humans are creatures who desire meaning and significance in life. Studies have found strong relationships between one’s quality of relationships and this overall sense of life satisfaction and meaning. This includes people in many different life seasons and professions. For example, those with high-stress careers like healthcare providers as well as teenagers beginning to explore life both have been found to describe their lives as more satisfying when they have supportive relationships.3,4 

How does social support work?

The science of social support reveals fascinating insights that help us heal isolation and loneliness. Research shows that two related but distinct aspects of relationships shape our sense of social support. First there is the actual support we receive from others, known as received support. Then there is our perception or awareness of that care and acceptance, often called perceived support.

Research has found that while both aspects of support are essential, our perception of relationships may play a larger role in the mental health benefits of social support.5 This makes sense because no matter how amazing our friends and family are, if we are not able to receive and appreciate their love and support, we will lose out on the benefits of such support.

Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships

While many of us intuitively know that relationships are essential to building a healthy and meaningful life, we may still struggle to improve relationships and overcome isolation. Here are three common causes of isolation that close us off from social support and three practices that can help us to move closer to our most cherished relationships:

1. We’re distracted and busy 

Even though we know relationships are important, the pressures of deadlines and schedules may crowd out time with important others, leaving us alone and disconnected. 

Practice slowing down with others. Remember that social support plays an important role in your resilience and ability to do your best in endeavors like work and school. Setting aside time for your relationships is an investment in your long-term wellbeing and reaching your goals. When do you schedule time with family and friends, commit to putting away personal devices. Remember, support means being attended to, cared for, and accepted. It’s hard to give and receive that genuine support from behind a screen. 

2. Relationships are complex

No relationship is perfectly satisfying. At times, our most supportive relationships will also be marked by conflict and stress. If we disengage at that point, we will intensify isolation, not overcome it. 

Practice gratitude for the complex relationships in your life. By journaling or remembering meaningful experiences with important others, gratitude can deepen our awareness of all the social support that we actually are receiving. While not denying what is challenging about a relationship, try to pay attention to the emotional experience of this gratitude for the relationship. If your friend is too busy to connect this week, can you remember the feeling when they dropped everything to support you? If your partner is stressed out with work, can you remember what it felt like when they encouraged you through a hard time? Because each relationship is complex, made up of satisfying and frustrating aspects, try to lean into gratitude for the gifts of that important person. That gratitude may resource you for the vital work of supporting and investing in that relationship as well.

3. We don’t want to burden people

Despite having loved ones who care for us, we may still hesitate to reach out when we are in need of acceptance, care, and support. We may fear that our needs are unimportant or simply too much. In some sense, we may even believe that we are not worthy of support and love, and actually deserve our loneliness and disconnection. 

Practice honesty with the important others in your life. Communicating your needs to loved ones invites them to join with you and provide support in the moment. Because relationships among peers (think friends, partners, siblings, and colleagues) are mutual, it won’t be long before you may be invited to support them too! If you notice yourself stuck in downplaying your own needs, consider how you would respond if a trusted person approached you with fears of being a burden. Can you imagine responding with compassion and understanding? Perhaps that is the very response you will receive as well. 

Relationships can also hurt and lead to isolation

While supportive relationships protect our health and enrich our lives, relationships can also be marked by profound pain. Close relationships can even expose us to betrayal, loss, or abuse. In these cases, isolation and loneliness may result from difficult relational experiences. If you are struggling to be present, enjoy, and give yourself in important relationships, it may be that some hurt or relational challenge is blocking the way to healthy and meaningful relationships.

How therapy can help you overcome isolation and strengthen relationships

If you feel stuck in isolation this may be a  sign that you would benefit from a supportive therapeutic relationship. Therapy is a space to help you understand what contributes to this pattern of disconnection in your life and relationships. Therapy also provides expert guidance for overcoming these patterns to live a more meaningful life with those you love. 

The relationship with a therapist is also a space to experience care, attention, and support while you navigate and strengthen other relationships in your life. This is why it is so important to work with a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. It is important to know that therapy was never meant to replace the vital and supportive relationships of your life. Instead, therapy can serve as a secure and safe home base where you explore your story and experience. Meaningful therapeutic relationships resource you to grow into a better relator, someone who both gives and receives care, acceptance, and support. 

You can have closeness and connection

Imagine your life beyond isolation and loneliness. If you built and sustained supportive and loving relationships, how would your life look different? If you are ready to overcome the epidemic of loneliness in your life, strengthening your relationships and ability to be a supportive person to others, contact me today. 

Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression
Learn about Therapy with Andrew

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