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Addiction isn’t About Genes, It’s About Shame: How to Re-Understand Addiction with Psychoanalysis

You’re wondering why you or a loved one struggles with addiction. Usually a quick internet search gives two tidy yet disappointing answers: (1) It’s genetic, or (2) it’s self-destructive behavior. But you know from experience addiction is much more complex.

This article explores how addiction can arise from shame. We’ll look at addiction through the lens of self-psychology, a branch of psychoanalysis, to help you understand that the struggles of addiction can be tied to unmet needs for affection and autonomy, rather than just biology or self-sabotage. By recognizing the role of shame, you can begin to approach healing with compassion for yourself.

Traditional Views of Addiction Fall Short

Society often views addiction through a medicalized lens, focusing on individual vulnerabilities to substances. This perspective emphasizes biological and behavioral factors but overlooks the obvious emotional underpinnings that drive addictive behaviors.

Common Medicalized Explanations for Addiction

Genetic Explanations: Research suggests that certain genetic predispositions can increase susceptibility to addiction, making some individuals more reactive to substances like alcohol or opioids.
Self-Sabotage Explanations: Addiction is sometimes framed as a form of unconscious self-destruction, where individuals engage in harmful behaviors due to low self-esteem or unresolved trauma.

While these views provide partial insights, they don’t fully address why addiction feels so intertwined with personal shame.

Shame Drives Addiction in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology, developed by Heinz Kohut, shifts the focus to shame as a core driver of addiction. In this framework, addiction arises from early experiences where natural needs for connection and independence are suppressed, leading to a cycle of hidden longings and self-reproach. Understanding this helps explain “why do some people have addiction”. It’s often a maladaptive attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs in a private, shame-filled way.

Close Relationships Build a Healthy Self

Self-psychology emphasizes the development of a healthy and strong self through close and loving caregivers. Psychological health depends on taking in positive interactions that foster independence and intimacy.

Selfobjects are people, things, or experiences outside of us that help build and keep our sense of who we are. They meet key emotional needs. They’re especially important when kids are growing up, but they matter all through life. There are three main kinds: mirroring (which makes you feel valued), idealizing (which gives you strength from someone you look up to), and twinship (which makes you feel like you belong because of similarities).

Traditional View Of Addiction	Self-Psychology View of Addiction
Focuses on genetic vulnerabilities and self-sabotage	Emphasizes shame from unmet relational needs
Treats addiction as a biological disease	Sees addiction as a dysregulated attempt to fulfill longings for affection and autonomy
Interventions: Medication and behavioral therapy	Interventions: Building awareness and healthy selfobject relationships

Examples of Selfobjects in Self-Psychology

Mirroring Selfobjects

These help by showing approval and making the child feel special and seen, which builds confidence.

A mom who gets really excited and claps when her child takes their first steps, making the kid feel proud and important.
A dad who smiles and says “Great job!” when his child shows him a drawing, helping the kid feel noticed and good about themselves.
A parent who cheers for their child’s little wins, like learning to tie shoes, which makes the kid feel capable.

Idealizing Selfobjects

These help by being a strong, calm role model that the child can admire and feel safe with.

A child seeing their dad as a hero who stays calm during a scary storm, which helps the kid feel protected.
A parent acting as a wise helper during homework time, giving the child a sense of security and something to look up to.
A mom who stays steady and comforting when her child falls and gets hurt, easing the kid’s worries.

Twinship (Alter-Ego) Selfobjects

These help by creating a feeling of being similar and connected, like you’re on the same team.

A parent and child doing a fun activity together, like planting flowers in the garden, which makes the kid feel like they share the same interests.
A dad playing sports with his child who loves the same games, building a bond through feeling alike.
A mom working on a puzzle side by side with her child, giving comfort from the shared way they think and do things.

Each of these helps a child build the ability to feel affection and autonomy. Affection is the ability to feel close, intimate, soothed, and safe. Autonomy is the ability to feel proud, independent, strong, and capable.

Without Close Relationships, Shame Grows

When parents fail to meet a child’s needs for affection and autonomy, shame emerges, forcing the child to suppress natural emotions.

Parental shortcomings cause the child to feel ashamed of their desires for connection and independence.
These desires become unavailable and threatening to the parent-child bond.
The child disavows their experiences, suppressing longings instead of expressing them through hugs or prideful moments.
Suppressed selfobject needs don’t vanish; they retreat into private fantasies within the child’s mind.
These fantasies can become dysregulated, mixing pleasure with overwhelming shame.

This process sets the stage for later struggles, including addiction, as individuals seek to recapture these denied experiences in unhealthy ways.

Addiction Follows Early Shame

The addictive experience parallels the child’s retreat into fantasy, where suppressed needs for power, goodness, and connection manifest in a chaotic blend of pleasure and shame.

Parallels Between Childhood Shame and Adult Addiction

People with addictions, like kids who felt ashamed, see their needs for feeling affectionate and autonomous as inherently bad.
They turn to substances for love and freedom, feeling a blend of nice relief and guilty shame about themselves, just like the kid’s out-of-control daydreams.
They criticize themselves, feeling they’ve indulged too much, or have been too selfish.
They’re unaware of the good longings behind their chaotic behavior.

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Healing Involves Awareness and Relational Fulfillment

Recovery in self-psychology focuses on uncovering the good longings – typically for love and freedom – at addiction’s core. This awareness fosters self-acceptance and encourages seeking these states in healthy relationships without shame. Therapy can help rebuild selfobject experiences, reducing reliance on substances.

Treatment Goals in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology therapy sets goals in three key areas: your inner thoughts and feelings (intrapsychic), your daily actions (behavioral), and your connections with others (relational). These goals help you address the shame and unmet needs at the root of addiction.

Inner Goals: Rebuilding Your Sense of Self

The focus here is on exploring and accepting your hidden feelings of shame about needing love and independence. Therapy helps you see these needs as normal, not weak or bad, so you can feel more whole inside without constant self-doubt. This is a challenge. In response to the rejection you faced early on, your mind forms defenses that keep you from accepting love for yourself. A good psychoanalytic therapist will help you through these obstacles so you can soothe yourself and experience inner strength.

Behavioral Goals: Changing Habits Step by Step

This involves looking at why you turn to substances and finding healthier ways to meet those same needs. Instead of strict rules, you’ll learn to pause during cravings and try new actions that make you feel good or in control in positive ways. Behavioral change isn’t about abstinence, it’s about practicing new ways to respond to your growing awareness of your needs for affection and autonomy. The more you can find healthy ways to direct your emotional energy, the less you tend to rely on addictive behaviors.

Relational Goals: Connecting Without Fear

Therapy uses your relationship with the therapist as a safe practice ground to express needs openly. The aim is to rebuild trust in others, so you can seek closeness and freedom in relationships without hiding or feeling ashamed. When you learn to accept affection and autonomy within yourself, we expect that your relationships change as well. You’ll find new ways to ask for and give love to those close to you. You won’t be as withdrawn or angry, but rather will be able to engage with your partner without shame. These changes can make a significant difference in your daily life.

What Healing Looks Like

As you move forward, progress shows up in small, meaningful shifts across the three areas, building on the supportive bond with your therapist.

Inner Progress: You’ll start noticing and naming shame without letting it overwhelm you. Over time, this turns into self-acceptance, where you view your longings for connection as valid. You might feel less empty or self-critical, replaced by a growing sense of inner strength.
Behavioral Progress: Early signs include spotting patterns in your habits, like linking cravings to loneliness. As you experiment, you’ll replace old behaviors with new ones, such as choosing a walk over a substance. Progress feels like more control and fewer automatic reactions, leading to habits that truly satisfy you.
Relational Progress: You’ll begin sharing more honestly in therapy, feeling heard without judgment. This builds confidence to do the same with others, reducing isolation. Progress means relationships where you can be yourself, with less fear of rejection and more genuine bonds.

Slips can happen, but they’re seen as chances to learn, not failures, helping you stay compassionate toward yourself.

Timeline of Expected Changes

Healing unfolds gradually, with the therapist’s empathy guiding you. Here’s what changes might look like in initial treatment (first few months) versus longer-term (6 months and beyond), affecting your daily life.

Initial Treatment: Building Foundations

In the early stages, expect subtle shifts as you get comfortable in therapy. Inner changes might include less intense self-hate and starting to spot shame triggers during the day. Behaviorally, you could track cravings in a journal, leading to small wins like delaying a habit once or twice a week—maybe better sleep or more energy follows. Relationally, therapy feels like a safe space to open up a bit, reducing some loneliness, though daily interactions might still feel guarded. Overall, life may seem a little less chaotic, with glimmers of hope.

Longer-Term Changes: Deeper Transformation

As time goes on, changes become more noticeable and lasting. Inner growth brings a steadier sense of self, where you wake up feeling okay and handle stress with kinder thoughts, cutting down on overwhelming urges. Behaviorally, new habits stick, like regular hobbies or coping tools, freeing up time and boosting accomplishments—you might notice improved health or focus at work. Relationally, you’ll form stronger connections outside therapy, sharing needs with friends or family, leading to less isolation and more joy in social time. Daily life often feels lighter and more authentic, with addiction fading as you embrace real fulfillment.

Many clients report feeling more alive and capable of true happiness. If this sounds helpful, reaching out to one of our therapists is a good way to start.

Overcome Addiction in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We’ve been serving Pasadena and Los Angeles for the past 10 years, helping people just like you understand and overcome the root of addiction. In our clients, addiction has show up in many ways: alcohol, pornography, social media, food, illegal substances, and gambling.

Other solutions can unwittingly create a cycle of shame. Many treatments for addiction focus on compliance: Monitoring and aiming to reduce addictive behaviors. While this sounds like a no-nonsense way to approach a destructive habit, our experience and research shows that behavioral interventions serve as temporary fixes to a much deeper problem. If compliance is the only goal, the addictive behavior will transfer to another behavior. For example, a person reduces their alcohol consumption, but secretly begins gambling instead. This is because the shame beneath the addictive behavior was never addressed, but was instead exasperated by the treatment.

Our approach is to increase awareness as to the emotional need behind the addictive impulse. Building awareness moves you from reactivity to agency; you become more empowered to make a choice about what to do with your feeling.

Reach out today for a free consultation with one of our therapists.

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Ossanna Amran therapy for depression in pasadena — Ossanna Amran

Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression and Men in Pasadena — Ossanna Amran

Frequently Asked Questions About Addiction and Shame

What Role Does Psychoanalysis Play in Understanding Addiction?

Psychoanalysis, including self-psychology, explores how early relational dynamics contribute to addiction, shifting focus from substances to emotional deficits.

Why Do Some People Develop Addiction While Others Don’t?

Individual differences in early experiences of shame and selfobject failures can make some more prone to using substances as a coping mechanism.

How Can I Overcome the Shame Associated with Addiction?

Start by recognizing shame as a learned response, then work with a therapist to reframe your longings as healthy and pursue them relationally.

Is Self-Psychology Effective for All Types of Addiction?

While it complements medical treatments, self-psychology is particularly helpful for addressing the emotional roots of behavioral and substance addictions.

Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

Find Relief from Shame With These 3 Somatic Exercises

Written by juliawilson

When Self-Blame Keeps You In Burnout

It’s the end of the day, and you feel exhausted. The laundry list of things you started with in the morning is still half undone. You’re irritable with friends who want to hang out, even though part of you wants to see them. But mostly, you’re frustrated with yourself, thinking: “How did I get to the end of the day AGAIN with so much left undone? I should have been able to do more…”

The problem here isn’t just stress — it’s the “shoulds.” The repeated “should-ing” is often a sign that shame has taken the wheel. Shame isn’t just a thought in your head. It’s a full-body experience that pulls you into self-criticism, withdrawal, and hypervigilance. But here’s the good news: your body isn’t the enemy. In fact, it holds the doorway to healing.

What Is Shame?

Shame is the emotion that whispers, “I am bad” instead of “I did something bad.” When you feel overwhelmed by your to-do list or worry you’re letting friends down, shame can convince you that it’s not just your choices that are the problem — it’s you.

How Shame is Connected to Burnout

This self-judgment doesn’t just live in your mind — it drains your energy and keeps your body tense, linking shame directly to burnout. Burnout isn’t just about having too much on your plate — it’s also fueled by shame. When you constantly judge yourself for not doing enough, your body and mind stay in a state of tension. That “I should have…” voice doesn’t just create mental stress; it triggers the same physiological collapse that shame causes, keeping you trapped in exhaustion, self-criticism, and disconnection. In other words, burnout and shame are often two sides of the same coin: one drains your energy, the other convinces you that it’s your fault.

Why Shame Shows Up

From an evolutionary perspective, shame originally served to keep us safe and connected. Historically, if we risked being excluded from the group, shame acted as an internal alarm: “Don’t do that — you might get cast out.” Because humans depend on belonging, shame evolved as a way to keep us tethered to relationships.

That’s why shame is so often relational. It’s less about personal failure and more about disconnection. At its core, shame is a bid for reconnection.

How Shame Lives in the Body

When shame gets activated, many of us experience a kind of collapse. Even if shame tells you to “do more,” the underlying experience is one of defeat. Your body might slump forward, your gaze lowers, your voice gets quieter, and you feel smaller. Physiologically, your nervous system is moving into a withdrawal state — a survival response that once protected you, but now keeps you stuck.

Where Does Shame Come From?

Shame can take root in many ways. Sometimes it comes from early relational experiences:

A parent who disciplined harshly or sent the message that you were bad, not just your behavior.
A teacher who shamed you in front of the class.
Peer bullying that left you feeling unworthy or unlikable.

Cultural messages reinforce this wiring. We all absorb ideas about what emotions are “acceptable,” what bodies are “beautiful,” and what level of productivity equals “success.” When we inevitably fall short of these narrow ideals, shame floods in, telling us we’re not enough.

Over time, repeated relational injuries — especially in environments where shame was used as control or where love felt conditional — shape the nervous system. Shame becomes an automatic response to certain triggers, like making a mistake, being vulnerable, or even resting.

3 Common Patterns of Shame

Shame doesn’t just live in our thoughts — it shapes how we show up in daily life. Over time, shame creates patterns that can leave us stuck in cycles of exhaustion, self-doubt, and disconnection. Here are three of the most common ways shame shows up in our bodies, minds, and relationships:

1. Self-Criticism & Overthinking

Replaying mistakes, a harsh inner voice, the feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough.

You replay mistakes over and over, trying to figure out what you should have done differently. The inner voice gets harsh and relentless: “Why can’t you just get it right?” Even when you’ve done something well, shame convinces you it wasn’t enough.

2. Avoidance & Disconnection

Pulling away from people or opportunities to avoid judgment, rejection, or failure.

To avoid being judged or rejected, you start pulling back. Maybe you cancel plans, stop sharing openly, or avoid taking risks. On the surface it looks like “just needing space,” but underneath it’s about protecting yourself from potential shame.

3. People-Pleasing & Compliance

Saying yes when you want to say no, suppressing your needs to keep connection (but leaving yourself depleted).

Instead of risking disapproval, you give in. You say yes when you want to say no. You hide your real feelings or silence your needs to maintain connection. While this might prevent immediate conflict, it often leaves you feeling unseen, exhausted, and resentful.

These patterns are painful, but they’re not signs that you’re broken. They’re survival strategies your body learned long ago to protect you from the threat of disconnection. And because they live in the body, the body is also where healing begins.

Three Steps to Healing Through Somatic Awareness

The work of healing shame isn’t about erasing it. Shame is part of being human. Instead, it’s about changing how we respond when shame arises. Since shame shows up not only in our thoughts but also in our posture, breath, and nervous system, the body is one of the most powerful places to begin.

1. Notice the Body’s Signals of Shame.

When shame surfaces, the body often shifts into a collapse state: your shoulders round forward, your gaze drops, your voice gets quieter, or your chest feels tight. Begin by simply noticing these signals without judgment. The act of noticing creates space between you and the shame response.

2. Soften and Create Space in the Body.

This could be as simple as taking a slower, deeper breath, uncrossing your arms, or placing your feet firmly on the ground. Small movements signal safety to the nervous system and interrupt the spiral of collapse.

3. Nurture with Compassionate Touch or Movement.

Offer your body the same care you might give a hurting child or friend. Place a hand over your heart and take a deep breath, stretch in a way that feels kind, or maybe go on a short walk. These small gestures remind your body that it is safe, worthy, and deserving of compassion.

Each time you notice shame and respond with gentleness instead of self-blame, you’re rewiring your nervous system. Over time, your body learns that it no longer needs to collapse into shame — it can move toward connection, safety, and compassion instead.

Move From Shame Toward Compassion

Shame can feel overwhelming. It can keep you stuck in burnout. But it doesn’t have to define you. When you start to recognize shame’s signals and respond with curiosity and kindness, you loosen its grip. Each breath, each shift in posture, each small act of compassion toward your body becomes a way of saying: I am not the enemy. I am worth care.

Healing shame isn’t about getting rid of it altogether. It’s about building a new relationship with yourself — one where your body is not a battleground, but a guide back to connection and peace.

If you find yourself caught in cycles of self-blame and overwhelm, know that you don’t have to walk through it alone. At Here Counseling, we help people untangle these patterns and reconnect with themselves in more compassionate, embodied ways. Reaching out for support can be the first step in learning to live with more ease, gentleness, and freedom.

I’d love to walk with you. You can gain insight into your self-blame. You can build new patterns. And you can find freedom from the overwhelm. Reach out today.

Schedule a Free Consultation for Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

Julia Wilson, MA

I’m a trained integrative trauma therapist practicing in Pasadena, CA. When you’re stuck in cycles of burnout, shame, or overwhelm, I can help you grow through deeper awareness and acceptance. I help individuals and adolescents tune into their bodies, notice shame’s signals, and build self-compassion while reclaiming their inner strength.

Learn more about Trauma Therapy with Julia

Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks: How Trauma Shows Up in the Body

Written by Addy Sonneland

What Are Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks?

When we talk about flashbacks, many people imagine vivid mental images of traumatic events. Emotional flashbacks are a bit different. Emotional flashbacks happen when the emotions tied to past trauma return (hurt, shame, fear, worthlessness, etc.) without a clear memory or image. Somatic flashbacks (or somatic re-experiencing) are bodily sensations that echo trauma—tightness, nausea, trembling, heart racing, freezing, pain, or other physical sensations that don’t seem to have a present cause. Occasionally, emotional and somatic flashbacks overlap. These experiences are especially common for those who have experienced complex trauma (C-PTSD) and trauma histories, especially when childhood or developmental trauma has occurred. (Charlie Health)

What the Research Shows Us: Body, Memory, and Trauma

Let’s look at what research tell us about how and why somatic/emotional flashbacks happen, how the body is involved, and, most importantly, what it means for healing.

Body Memories & Negative Bodily Experiences

In Clinical Manifestations of Body Memories (2022), researchers explores how negative bodily experiences from the past are stored as “body memories,” and the ways they influence behavior and physical responses even in the absence of conscious recall (PMC), Similar to visual memories, our bodies also can recall the events we have lived through. Likely, these are not conscious thoughts, but rather sensations (tightness in the chest, pain in the abdomen, nausea, trembling) or automatic behaviors like freezing, bracing, or withdrawing.

Body memories can “pull” the nervous system into sympathetic or dorsal vagal states as if the old trauma is still happening. The body reacts to past danger in the present moment, bypassing conscious awareness. That’s why someone might suddenly feel panicked, nauseated, or disconnected without knowing why—because their nervous system is protecting them based on an old template.

2. Neural Sensory Overwhelm, Dysregulation & Sensory Reactivity
Research on PTSD (and PTSD with dissociative symptoms) shows that traumatic experiences change how the nervous system responds to sensory input. Sensory stimuli—even subtle ones—can overwhelm processing regions in the brainstem/midbrain, triggering intense emotional or bodily reactions (Frontiers). Stimuli that otherwise might be neutral like a car honking in the distance or someone dropping their phone can shift the nervous system into dysregulation.

Think of your nervous system like a smoke alarm. A well-tuned alarm only goes off when there’s real smoke. But after trauma, the alarm can become overly sensitive—it blares at burnt toast, not just a house fire. Sensory overwhelm is your body’s alarm system going off too often or too intensely.

3. Interoceptive Awareness & Mental Health
Interoception is the awareness of sensations inside the body. In “The Body Can Balance the Score: Using a Somatic Self-Care…” researchers argue that strengthening interoceptive awareness helps people track and regulate their bodily sensations more effectively, reducing distress in cases of trauma and PTSD (PMC). Interoceptive awareness is your ability to notice and make sense of the signals coming from inside your body. These signals include things like your heartbeat, hunger, thirst, muscle tension, breathing, or the “gut feeling” you get when something feels right or wrong. It’s basically your inner notification center telling you what’s happening inside so you can respond in a healthy way.

4. Effectiveness of Somatic Therapies
Research is showing that somatic therapies—like Somatic Experiencing—can make a real difference for people living with trauma. In fact, randomized controlled trials (the gold standard in research) have found that this approach not only reduces PTSD symptoms but can also ease depression and even chronic physical sensations of pain (Psych Central). What makes this exciting is that it confirms what many people already feel in their own bodies: trauma isn’t just in the mind, it’s in the body too. And when therapy directly works with the body—through gentle awareness, movement, and regulation—it can support healing on multiple levels.

What Emotional Flashbacks Feel Like

Sudden waves of an old emotion (shame, fear, grief) without clear “this is why” trigger
Bodily sensations: tight chest, racing heart, dizziness, shaking or trembling, freezing
Disconnection: feeling unreal, like you’re observing from outside, or stuck in a younger version of self
Time distortion: feeling as if you were back in the moment of trauma, or that it’s still ongoing
Inner critic activation: harsh self-talk, feelings of worthlessness, or believing you’re “bad” without a clear reason.
Shame spirals: wanting to hide, collapse, or withdraw suddenly.
Heightened sensory sensitivity: everyday sounds, light, and touch feel overwhelming or unbearable

Four Somatic Therapy Interventions to Help

Intervention	What It Does / Why It Helps	How to Use It
1. Grounding through the body & orient to the present	This helps shift your nervous system from being in “past/ trauma mode” into the present. Grounding reduces dissociation and helps remind your body that you are safe now.	When you notice flashback symptoms, try things like pressing your feet into the floor, feeling the texture of something nearby, naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Pair grounding with time-stamping, telling yourself “This is 2025…I am in my home/a safe environment…the abusive situation is over… I am no longer around unsafe people…This is an adult body. I survived…”. (Pasadena Trauma Therapy)
2. Somatic pacing or pendulation	This idea-often used in somatic experiencing or sensorimotor therapy-gives you a way to gently move between a state of high arousal/activation (flashback) and something calmer, so you don’t get overwhelmed. Your body learns it can tolerate distress and return to regulation.	For example: when you feel the flashback coming, notice the sensations, but after a short while shift attention to something calming (soft touch, soothing sounds, safe memory). You might literally rock or sway, do gentle movement, alternate arm/leg movements, or shift your focus to somewhere physically present and safe. Over time you can increase the “distance” or duration you spend in noticing discomfort before returning to calm.
3. Breath work & activating the parasympathetic nervous system	Flashbacks often trigger sympathetic arousal (fight/flight/freeze). Conscious breathing can engage the parasympathetic branch, slowing the heart, relaxing the body, reducing panic.	A few options: 4-7-8 breathing (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale 8), belly/diaphragmatic breathing, exhaling slowly through the mouth with an audible sigh to exhale. Pair breathing with soft affirmations like “I am safe now” or “This is a body memory, I am not in present danger”. Practicing breathwork when calm will help make deep breathing a habit that is accessible to you in an activated state.
4. Movement, sensory input & safe touch	Movement helps the body complete responses that may have been “stuck” during trauma; sensory input (touch, pressure, warmth) helps “re-anchor” the body in the here and now. Movement naturally helps modulate over-activation or numbness.	Movement practices and intentional sensory input like gentle yoga, slowly walking in nature, shaking/tremoring (with guidance or in safe space), tactile self-soothing (holding a soft object, putting hands under cold running water, hugging yourself, weighted blanket) shift the nervous system toward regulation. As you move, practice body scans to notice where tension is, then consciously relax or non-judgmentally observe those muscles. If safe and if accessible, massage or therapeutic touch can ease somatic flashbacks. Remember to stay within tolerable limits—slow movement or decrease sensory input as needed.

Putting it all together: a gentle self-care plan

Here’s a sample flow you might try when a flashback hits, combining the tools above. You can adapt this based on what feels safest / what resonates.

Notice & Name
“I am having a somatic/emotional flashback.” Naming it helps shift the experience from being overwhelming and unnamable to something you can respond to.
Ground Into the Present
Use time-stamping and grounding: touch, look around, feel your feet, describe surroundings. Speak to yourself, reminding yourself you are safe and in the present moment.
Regulate Through Breath
Once slightly grounded, initiate slow, calm breathing. As breath slows, allow the body’s intensity to lessen.
Pendulate / Movement
When safe, allow small movement or gentle shifts. Then return to rest, softness, slowing. As needed, alternate until you feel more anchored.
Soothing Sensation or Safe Touch
Use soft touch, warmth, safe object around you. Let your skin/ body feel “something kind.”

Healing That Lasts: Returning the Traumatized Nervous System to Safety and Regulation

Healing from trauma is a journey, and it doesn’t happen overnight. As much as we all wish there were a quick fix, trauma leaves real changes in how our brains and bodies respond to the world. Recovery is about gently creating new experiences of safety and regulation so that, over time, your nervous system learns it’s okay to stay within a steadier, calmer “window of tolerance.”

Coping tools you use on your own can be very helpful, but research shows that healing often goes deeper when you have the support of a trauma-informed therapist—especially one trained in approaches like Somatic Therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, or Polyvagal-based practices.

You’ve probably had moments where you instantly felt calmer just by being around someone steady and kind—or, on the flip side, noticed yourself becoming tense around someone who’s anxious or angry. That’s not just imagination. It’s your nervous system tuning in to someone else’s nervous system. Through things like tone of voice, facial expression, body posture, and even subtle shifts in breathing, our bodies are constantly “reading” cues of safety or danger in others. This happens automatically, beneath conscious thought, through a process called neuroception (a concept from polyvagal theory). This is why somatic trauma therapies are so effective—they actively use the therapist’s calm, attuned presence to help the body re-learn safety and regulation through co-regulation. Each session is a new experience for the your nervous system to encode!

The Reality of Emotional & Somatic Flashbacks

Flashbacks rarely disappear overnight, and the path to healing is rarely a straight line. With consistent practice and support, they may become less frequent or intense over time, but it’s normal for sensations or emotions to still feel overwhelming at moments. Whenever possible, do this work with someone you trust or a trained professional, and remember to be gentle with yourself—frustration, shame, or fear about having flashbacks are normal, but they aren’t helpful. Every time you notice these experiences with awareness and self-compassion, you are taking steps toward healing.

It’s also important to pay attention to your physical health: if new or concerning symptoms appear—like heart racing, dizziness, chest pain, shortness of breath, or fainting—check in with a medical professional, as these could be related to conditions such as arrhythmia, anemia, thyroid issues, low blood pressure, or other health concerns, not just trauma.

Your path forward

Emotional and somatic flashbacks are intense. They can make you feel trapped in the past, disconnected from your body, or overwhelmed by sensations you don’t fully understand. But they are not signs of failure—they are signals. Signals that your nervous system is still carrying unresolved pain. The body is trying to communicate what words sometimes cannot.

The good news: research and many practitioners have shown that with somatic awareness, grounding, supportive movement, breath, and gentle, compassionate self-care, people can learn to ride the waves of flashbacks rather than be swept away by them. Over time, they can lessen—both in frequency and in the intensity of the responses with the help of a trained mental health professional. Your not stuck, your nervous system is crying out for regulation. Healing is right around the corner and your body can learn to be safe again.

Schedule a Free Consultation for Somatic Therapy in Pasadena

Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy, a trained integrative somatic trauma therapist. If you notice trauma showing up in your body, whether through flashbacks, muscle tension, or overwhelming sensations, this isn’t something have to go through it alone. I help individuals and adolescents recover from trauma, rewire their nervous system, and tap into their innate inner strength.

Learn more about Somatic Therapy with Addy

Managing emotions

How Long to Heal Childhood Trauma? 1-3 Years with Therapy, Research Says

Written by herecounseling

You’ve carried it quietly for decades: that knot in your chest from a childhood home laced with shouts, neglect, or worse. Now, as an adult, it sneaks in: explosive reactions in relationships, executive function fog, or a vague “stuck” feeling amid life’s fires (literal or not). If you’re asking, How long until I feel whole?breathe. Survivors like you arrive resilient but weary, often after losses amplify old wounds. Science affirms: Healing isn’t endless; with therapy, it’s a structured journey to freedom. Here’s what research reveals, and steps to lighten your load.

What Percentage of Adults Recover from Childhood Trauma?

Hearteningly, 60-80% achieve significant recovery with trauma-informed therapy, regaining trust and vitality. Without? Only 20-30% naturally process it, as unhealed trauma doubles risks for anxiety or relational rifts. Longitudinal studies show EMDR or somatic therapy yields 70% symptom reduction lasting 2+ years.

Why Childhood Trauma Lingers (And Feels Like a Shadow in Adulthood)

Trauma rewires the brain’s alarm system, turning safety into scarcity. Genetic and environmental factors (abusive homes, chronic stress) create vulnerability, with 40-50% heritability in responses. For clients post-fires or breakups, it resurfaces as dissociation or hypervigilance, echoing that young self’s survival mode.

Childhood Trauma Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?

Timelines vary by chronicity: Acute (single events) heals in months, but ongoing abuse? 1-3 years with therapy. Expect 3-6 months for safety, 6-18 for processing, and 1-3 years for integration. A pilot study of trauma therapy found 65% “life-changing” relief by year 1.

Factors That Shape Your Trauma Healing Timeline

The speed at which a person heals from childhood trauma depends on:

Trauma Type: Physical/emotional (faster, 1-2 years) vs. complex (2-3+ years).
Support Network: Strong ties cut time by 30%; isolation extends it.
Therapy Modality: Somatic/EMDR therapy accelerates by 40% over talk-alone.
Co-Occurring Issues: ADHD or anxiety (common in requests) adds 6 months but responds well to integrated care.

What Are the Stages of Healing from Childhood Trauma?

Let’s outline five core stages of therapy for childhood trauma. These stages are a broad overview of what to expect, based on our experience taking clients through EMDR, Somatic, and psychoanalytic therapy.

Safety & Stabilization (Months 1-3): Establish resources and a therapeutic alliance to feel secure.
Awareness & Assessment (Months 3-6): Identify and acknowledge trauma targets through gentle exploration.
Processing & Discharge (Months 6-12): Access and express trauma via bilateral stimulation or titration.
Integration & Reconnection (Months 12-18): Build new internal resources for coping, regulating, and expressing emotions in a healthy way.
Reevaluation & Maintenance (Months 18+): Build lifelong tools that promote connection and agency throughout life.

These stages often overlap or cycle, but clients frequently describe a profound shift, like one who said, “Processing unlocked the freeze in my chest—now I breathe freer than I have in years.”

Stage	Focus	Typical Duration	Key Practice
Safety	Build security and resources	1-3 months	Grounding and alliance-building
Awareness	Acknowledge wounds	3-6 months	Sensation tracking and memory mapping
Processing	Release held energy	6-12 months	EMDR sets or titration exercises
Integration	Rewire beliefs and reconnect	12-18 months	Positive cognition installation and narrative shifts
Reevaluation	Sustain growth	18+ months	Progress reviews and self-care rituals

Therapy for Childhood Trauma vs. No Therapy

Solo efforts help short-term, but therapy triples recovery odds, halving timelines. Without? Symptoms fester, raising relapse to 70%. Somatic therapy, ideal for your fire survivors, targets body-stored pain for 80% faster relief.

Approach	Recovery Rate	Timeline	Symptom Reduction
No Therapy (Self-Help)	20-30%	3+ years (variable)	20-40%
With Therapy	60-80%	1-3 years	60-70%

Frequently Asked Questions About Healing Childhood Trauma

Can childhood trauma cause PTSD in adults?

Yes, childhood trauma significantly increases the risk of developing PTSD later in life, as it alters brain responses to stress and safety. Therapy like EMDR can help reprocess these early experiences to reduce PTSD symptoms effectively.

How do I know if I have unresolved childhood trauma?

Signs include chronic anxiety, relationship difficulties, or unexplained emotional triggers that echo past events. Reflecting on questions like “Was your home a safe place?” can help identify patterns worth exploring in therapy.

Does childhood trauma ever go away?

Childhood trauma doesn’t fully disappear but can be integrated and managed, allowing you to live without its constant shadow. With consistent therapy, most people report reduced impact and greater emotional freedom over time.

What are the signs of childhood trauma in adults?

Common indicators are low self-esteem, hypervigilance, or avoidance in relationships, often stemming from early instability. Recognizing these early paves the way for healing through targeted interventions like somatic therapy.

How long does it take to heal from childhood trauma?

Healing timelines vary from months for acute cases to 1-3 years for complex trauma with therapy support. Factors like support networks and therapy type play key roles in accelerating progress.

Is Trauma Therapy Right for Your Childhood Wounds?

If echoes disrupt your peace, therapy transforms shadows into strength. Approaches like somatic or EMDR can help, turning survival into thriving.

Healing starts with one brave step. Schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists that specialize in childhood trauma work.

Our Pasadena Therapists

Trauma Therapists

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Managing emotions

Male Depression Takes 1-5 Years to Recover, Research Says

Written by John Allan Whitacre

How long does it take for men to recover from depression?

If you’re close to someone you care about deeply and suspect he might be dealing with depression, it can be really challenging to know how to reach out to him. You might feel disconnected from what he’s experiencing and find yourself caught in a daily struggle about how to ask the right questions or even if it’s okay to bring it up. Each day can feel heavy with unspoken worries, making your interactions feel strained and loaded with unexpressed emotions. You can’t help but wonder about his well-being, what’s going on inside his head, and how you can be there for him without overstepping. It’s tough to navigate those feelings while wanting to be a source of support and understanding. You may wonder,

How long does male depression last?
If he got help, how long does male depression take to heal?
Is this a passing phase? Will it get better on its own?
Is it worth it to get help for male depression?

We’ll answer all your questions about treating male depression in this article. You’ll know how to approach it and what he needs in order to recover.

70-90% of Men Achieve Recovery from Depression with Proper Treatment

Research indicates that with tailored therapeutic interventions such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic approaches, 70-90% of men with depression can experience significant symptom reduction or full recovery, characterized by improved mood stability, reduced symptoms, and enhanced daily functioning. Without intervention, recovery rates fall to 20-40%, often resulting in chronic issues or complications like substance misuse or heightened suicide risk. Early identification and therapies attuned to male experiences, including addressing stigma, markedly improve outcomes, converting concealed suffering into a journey of renewed vitality and relationships.

Depression Inflicts Deep Trauma-Like Pain on Men and Their Loved Ones

Depression in men undermines their fundamental identity, transforming routine duties like work or family life into daunting ordeals rife with shame, detachment, and despair. This inner turmoil is a large part of their struggle, intensified by cultural norms of resilience, contributing to associated problems like irritability, anxiety, or avoidance behaviors. The cascading impact burdens close relationships, stirring bewilderment and powerlessness, yet framing this distress as trauma paves the way for compassionate, specialized recovery methods.

Male Depression Arises from Genetic, Environmental, and Contextual Factors

Depression in men develops through an intricate blend of genetic susceptibilities, environmental strains, and contextual pressures, particularly in phases where roles and self-perception are tested.

Genetic Factors

Genetically, evidence points to an inheritable element, with familial backgrounds heightening risk via traits like neurochemical disparities or sensitivities to stress and mood fluctuations—genetics might explain 40-50% of depression vulnerability in men. Men could inherit propensities that, once activated, result in enduring low spirits. One individual recounted, “This is exactly what my parent put me through, and at 18 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, genetic from family, and that only compounded my already fragile system from the years of trauma and abuse.” Another highlighted perceived inheritances: “Both of my parents are obese so I grew up thinking I was going to become fat no matter what… that changed my perspective, actually sparked an eating disorder,” demonstrating how genetic views can spillover into mental health challenges.

But just because depression is genetic doesn’t mean it can’t be changed or healed. 40-50% of variability means that of any person’s depression, 40-50% of it is based on a genetic set-point. This means 50-60% of a highly genetically depressed person (endogenously depressed person) is able to change. That’s good news if you or your loved one has a family history of depression.

Environmental Factors

Environmentally, cultural demands, including media-promoted success standards, job-related tension, social seclusion, and norms stifling emotional openness, increase susceptibility, frequently amplifying genetic dangers to spark depressive periods. Men commonly identify stressors like unemployment or societal pressure as initiators.

Additionally, males experience more social isolation that women, leading to worse mental health outcomes. Men have fewer close friends than women, and additionally, they have fewer close friends than they did 20 years ago. Social circles serve as a support against depression, and when our social relationships are weakened, we become more vulnerable to depression.

Contextual Factors

Contextually, family interactions are vital: disputes such as ineffective dialogue or elevated expectations can cultivate inadequacy; control struggles, where men navigate independence amid disorder; and interruptions like abrupt losses (e.g., bereavement, separation, or trauma) correlate with emergence, as unprocessed sorrow may drive depression as an ineffective coping tactic.

Common Signs of Depression in Men Often Masked as Other Behaviors

Depression in men frequently presents through externalized or concealed symptoms rather than overt sadness, complicating recognition—research shows men are more prone to irritability, anger, withdrawal, and dissociation, often misattributed to personality or stress. These manifestations stem from societal expectations of stoicism, leading to underdiagnosis—studies indicate 30-40% of depressed individuals exhibit short tempers, with men showing higher rates of anger attacks, substance issues, and risk-taking. Dissociation appears as emotional numbness or detachment, tied to chronic fight-or-flight states. The table below outlines key signs with descriptions and supporting research:

Sign	Description	Research Support
Anger and Irritability	Quick frustration, outbursts, or agitation over minor issues, often masking underlying hopelessness.	30-40% of depressed individuals show short tempers; higher in men with anger attacks or aggression.
Withdrawal	Becoming detached, negative, or socially isolated, avoiding interactions or responsibilities.	Linked to restlessness, on-edge feelings, and relational strain in depressed men.
Dissociation	Feeling disconnected from thoughts, emotions, or reality, like numbness or being “on autopilot.”	Associated with chronic stress responses, brain fog, and emotional disconnection in depression.
Fatigue and Sleep Issues	Persistent tiredness, insomnia, or oversleeping, reducing engagement in activities.	Common in male depression, often with loss of pleasure in hobbies.
Risk-Taking or Substance Use	Increased alcohol/drug use, reckless behaviors as coping mechanisms.	Higher rates in men, tied to unnecessary risks and anger.

Therapy Halves Depression Recovery Timeline for Men

Complete recovery from male depression may extend 5-10 years absent support, yet therapies like EMDR, somatic, or psychodynamic can condense this to 6 months-5 years, with response rates reaching 70-90% when appropriately matched. This summary emphasizes effective routes to hasten recovery, stressing the value of prompt, stigma-sensitive care, with medication considered only if clinically warranted.

Key Factors Shape Male Depression Healing Timelines

Recovery durations for male depression fluctuate depending on aspects like symptom longevity (briefer episodes heal swifter), age (younger men potentially respond faster), accompanying conditions such as anxiety or substance concerns, interpersonal backing, drive, and availability of male-oriented therapies. Swift therapeutic engagement targeting catalysts like seclusion or trauma additionally tailors and hastens the route to health.

Male Depression Healing Progresses Through Five Essential Stages

Healing from male depression evolves via interconnected stages, derived from proven frameworks:

Denial and Onset (Days to Months) – Preliminary dismissal of indicators, frequently disguised as irritability or retreat.
Anger and Progression (1-6 Months) – Escalating frustration, appearing as outward actions like hostility amid intensifying seclusion.
Bargaining and Crisis (3-12 Months) – Efforts to barter with the state, such as overexertion for relief, culminating in possible crises.
Depression and Treatment (6 Months-2 Years) – Primary symptoms prevail; therapy centers on oversight and capability enhancement to avert recurrence.
Acceptance and Integration (1-5+ Years) – Adopting equilibrium, diminishing depression’s hold, enabling revitalized involvement with sporadic aid.

Treatment Boosts Recovery Rates and Speeds Healing Compared to No Intervention

Fortitude assists every path, yet organized therapy vastly exceeds unmanaged routes, elevating recovery from 20-40% to 70-90% and truncating durations from 5-10+ years to 6 months-5 years for numerous men. The table beneath juxtaposes essential facets:

Aspect	With Treatment (e.g., EMDR, Somatic, Psychodynamic)	Without Treatment
Recovery Rate	70-90% significant improvement	20-40% spontaneous recovery
Timeline	6 months-5 years for many, up to 10 for full	5-10+ years, often chronic
Relapse Risk	Lower (20-50%, mitigated by ongoing care)	Higher (up to 60% chronic)
Mortality/Complications	Reduced with early help	Elevated, including higher suicide risk
Quality of Life	Enhanced mood, relationships, functioning	Persistent isolation, anxiety

This accentuates therapy’s crucial function in attaining swifter, more thorough recuperation.

The Treatment Pathway Accelerates Healing from Male Depression

Methods like EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic yield 70-80% improvement within months to years for initial alleviation, progressing to 1-3 years for lasting remission through customized assistance tackling male-unique hurdles. Therapy confronts both manifestations and origins, encompassing genetics, environmental burdens, or contextual wounds, via gradual evolution; medication may be integrated if deemed necessary by a professional.

Beginning Stages: Building Safety and Stability (First 1-3 Months)

Preliminary therapy prioritizes crisis steadiness and emotional safeguarding, frequently commencing with somatic methods to reestablish bodily awareness while evaluating origins like genetic susceptibilities or cultural strains. Men might hesitate, sensing vulnerability, yet sessions cultivate a bias-free arena to articulate repressed fury or disgrace—for example, pinpointing coexisting conditions and weaving in grounding exercises to reconstruct regimen, establishing bedrock for profound inquiry.

Middle Stages: Unpacking and Rebuilding (3-12 Months)

Upon steadiness, emphasis pivots to dissecting fundamental elements through psychodynamic exploration, contesting warped perceptions from psychological foundations like diminished value or environmental detachment via reflection and relational labor. Should contextual catalysts like familial bereavement or occupational trauma have ignited it, meetings incorporate EMDR for grief reprocessing alongside family engagement to bolster dialogue and navigate sorrow. Benchmarks encompass lessened irritability and modest triumphs like social reconnection, amongst relapses, nurturing endurance and sounder coping past repression.

Later Stages: Integration and Long-Term Growth (1-3+ Years)

Progressive segments solidify advancements and deter reversion by assimilating insights into routine. Men tackle persistent origins, such as genetic inclinations via sustained comorbidity oversight or environmental modifications like workplace limits to battle seclusion. Therapy underscores self-kindness, reimagining fortitude past rigidity, and forging male support circles for autonomy—for instance, assured choices, fortified ties, and aspiration pursuit—with intermittent consultations assuring perpetual liberation. This yields metamorphosis, transmuting fragility into empowered existence.

Frequently Asked Questions About Male Depression

What Are the Common Signs of Depression in Men?

Indicators frequently emerge as irritability, anger, fatigue, hobby disinterest, substance utilization, hazard-seeking, or detachment, over explicit sorrow—bodily grievances like cephalalgias or gastrointestinal woes might also indicate it.

How Can Loved Ones Support a Man with Depression?

Foster candid exchange sans coercion, exemplify openness, tenderly propose expert assistance, and partake in pursuits like exertion. Eschew belittling sentiments; prioritize sympathy and evade facilitating seclusion.

What Are the Most Effective Treatments for Male Depression?

EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic methods stand as primary, frequently merged with lifestyle alterations; male-centric clusters tackle stigma. For acute instances, inpatient or adjunctive modalities may assist, with optimal results from premature, amalgamated strategies; antidepressants if indicated.

Can Male Depression Be Prevented?

Advancing affective literacy, robust communal bonds, tension oversight, and premature psychological assessments can alleviate hazards. Confronting elements like solitude or trauma diminishes occurrence, albeit genetics constrain absolute aversion.

Does Depression in Men Resolve on Its Own?

Infrequently; unmanaged, it commonly endures or deteriorates, amplifying perils. Engagement substantially augments results, altering persistent conflicts into controllable restorations.

Speak With Me and Learn More About Treatment for Depression

Want to better understand what treatment could look like for you—or for a man you care about who may be struggling with depression? You don’t have to navigate this alone. Taking the first step toward support can feel overwhelming, but it’s also the most important move toward healing and relief.

I specialize in helping men work through depression in a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental space. Together, we’ll find an approach that feels right and actually works.

Schedule a free phone consultation with me today—let’s talk about how therapy can help you or your loved one move forward.

Schedule a Phone Consultation with John Allan

John Allan Whitacre, AMFT provides therapy for men with depression in Pasadena.

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Trouble Communicating? Your Unconscious Could Be Why

Written by Andrew Wong

*Unconscious patterns can block communicating your needs and feelings in relationships*

Many people have trouble communicating what they feel and want in their closest relationships. Instead, of sharing their honest selves they hide and experience relationships as frustrating and disappointing.

You might relate to how the pattern unfolds: Your partner or friend asks “Is something wrong?” At that moment you know that something is wrong. You feel angry, confused, or worried. Some part of you wants to find the words to communicate this, to draw close to your relationship by sharing what you truly feel. But instead–without even thinking about it–you force yourself to smile and reply, “No, I’m good. How are you doing?”

Being unable to share what you truly want and need in relationships is a painful and frustrating pattern for many people. One important way to transform how we show up in relationships is by understanding unconscious patterns of thinking that automatically shape our interactions and act as an obstacle to real communication and closeness. Thankfully, by facing our unconscious we can change how we relate to other people and our experiences.

Understanding Our Unconscious Minds

Decades of neuroscience have confirmed that our brains and mental processes are incredibly complex. In fact, our minds often shape our behavior in relationships without our direct or conscious awareness. Below are three key ways that our minds automatically shape our relationships without our awareness¹.

1. Relational learning

Think about how you have learned throughout your lifetime. Some things, like math and state capitals, were learned consciously. At school you intentionally memorized how to solve problems and facts like the capital of California is Sacramento.

But how did you learn what your family valued most or what calmed your parents when they were anxious? This kind of learning was likely implicit or unconscious. You learned these core patterns by being immersed in relationships with people. In other words, you learned constantly just by being with others, making powerful connections without even realizing it.

Take someone who struggles with navigating conflict because they fear saying they are upset and want something different. That person was probably not taught in a classroom to fear conflict and deny their true wants and needs. Their parents probably never sat them down and gave a lecture on fearing conflict in relationships either. Instead, through key relational experiences with the most important people in their lives, they may have unconsciously taken in the message that conflict is unsafe and must be avoided at all costs.

2. Interpreting others and ourselves

Our minds also automatically and unconsciously make sense of behavior in relationships. If a loved one arrives late to meet you, you may automatically interpret their lateness as evidence that they don’t value the relationship as much as you do.

However, a factor outside of their control, maybe traffic or a last minute meeting, may have impacted their ability to arrive on time. Despite knowing this possibility your mind may rapidly interpret the situation as a hurtful reminder about you as a person: “They’re late because I’m not really loved.”

On the other hand, our mind may automatically explain away the loved one’s actions with context, ignoring aspects of their personality and choices that shape the relationship. For example, a partner’s angry outbursts may always be explained, and perhaps even justified, because of a stressful job. In this case how the partner’s personality, feelings, and choices are shaping the relationship may automatically be ignored. Instead of facing the reality of conflict to heal and grow, unconscious patterns may automatically sweep it away.

Automatic patterns like these leave people in a state of constant self-criticism. But this isn’t a fair conclusion–and may itself be an unconscious attack on ourselves! After all, these patterns are automatic and unconscious, we don’t know that we are choosing them. That is, until someone helps us to discover them.

3. Automatic action and triggers

Relationships are shaped by complex patterns involving feelings, thoughts, and actions that are triggered without our awareness. Like a big machine that is activated with just the flip of a switch, your mind and body may have learned ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in response to cues.

One cue could be your co-worker casually commenting that they liked the work of someone on your team. Immediately, you might notice thoughts that your co-worker never liked you, feelings of self-criticism and worry, and body sensations like getting tense and hot. With this complex pattern activated you would understandably take actions like withdrawing and avoiding the co-worker.

These patterns are rarely known to us. In fact, we might only realize we are operating in this unconscious pattern after the thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and actions collectively create some difficulty in our life. At times we might even experience suffering in the form of panic attacks, feeling hopeless, and struggling in our relationships without any awareness of why or how these patterns came to be.

Thankfully, there is hope. By going back and consciously exploring what cued our unconscious relationship patterns, we can discover why we reacted like we did.

Attachment: The Most Basic Relationship We All Learned

These types of unconscious processes in relationships are shaped by our earliest bonds to parents and caregivers, also known as attachment relationships. Because these relationships began before we could speak or consciously make sense of the world, attachment began as purely implicit and relational learning. In other words, we intuited how to have relationship with our specific parents and caregivers by watching, listening, and feeling–all without consciously knowing it!

Our young minds unconsciously took in lessons to help us stay close, safe, and calm with our attachment figures. But as we’ve seen, some of the lessons that once served and protected us become barriers to healthy relationships in the present. Without truly understanding and facing this past, we easily repeat it without awareness in the present.

Therapy Helps Make the Unconscious Conscious

While our minds and their unconscious processes are powerful there is reason for hope. Therapy provides a supportive relationship to gently and wisely explore why we struggle to truly share our desires and needs with others. By courageously looking at the places where you are stuck or trapped, therapy can be a journey together of tracing your journey back in order to finally move forward.

Therapy to help you understand and overcome harmful patterns you are not fully aware of helps in several ways:

1. Discovering automatic patterns together

We all have automatic patterns of feelings, thoughts, sensations, and actions that are activated quickly and without our awareness. Therapy is a special relationship to discover and identify these automatic patterns together. Having an outside perspective also allows you to figure out what cue or trigger brought on the pattern that has you stuck.

Facing these unconscious parts of our minds can feel deeply vulnerable. The reality that we have been caught in some pattern may bring on strong emotions like embarrassment, guilt, or shame. Having a trusted therapist can be a tremendous help when courageously understanding yourself.

2. Facing grief and anger

Therapy is illuminating. Self-critical people may discover the relationship that taught them to be harsh with themselves, people struggling with fear and worry may understand the first time they felt unsafe, and people who can’t stop over-working may recognize powerful messages of accomplishment they once received.

Attachment research tells us that difficult experiences may have once made unconscious patterns necessary. In order to stay close and connected to loved ones and parents, we may have taken on patterns that no longer serve us. Understanding your unconscious patterns to improve your relationships may also mean discovering past moments that bring on grief and anger.

In these moments, feelings of grief and anger are understandable and healthy responses that want to be felt and resolved. Having a supportive and expert therapist provides the help you need to face and resolve these feelings and the suffering they create in your relationships now.

3. Figuring out how to get un-stuck together

Finally, therapy is a unique relationship because unconscious patterns inevitably activate between the patient and therapist. Even if you are unsure of how you are getting stuck in frustrating patterns, the therapy relationship itself will shine a light on what is happening in other relationships.

For example, someone who feels dissatisfied in dating relationships might come to therapy and automatically begin to try and “become” the patient they think the therapist wants them to be, ignoring their own preferences. This pattern of hiding who they actually are can be faced together and understood. Chances are if it is happening in the relationship between patient and therapist it is also being triggered in other important relationships.

Hope for Meaningful Relationships

Our minds and brains are extremely complex and powerful. When functioning well enough they help us to creatively face the challenges of our lives and develop meaningful relationships. But all too often unconscious and automatic patterns bring us to same outcomes over and over again without us knowing how we arrived there. Relationships that once seemed so promising wind up stuck and struggling in the same way that others did before.

You are not doomed to these automatic and frustrating patterns. When you are aware of unconscious patterns you can begin to make choices in relationships that actually lead to connection and joy. Your mind, body, and relationships are ready to heal and learn new ways of living. To deepen your self-understanding and heal your relationships from unconscious patterns, schedule an appointment with me today.

Learn about Therapy with Andrew

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

Terrible Sleep Habits? How Executives Can Stop Destructive Late Nights and Actually Rest

Written by Connor McClenahan

You’re exhausted, but when bedtime rolls around, they just can’t let go. Instead of drifting off, you linger in the wee hours, scrolling through your phones or binge-watching shows that don’t even hold your interest. It’s not that you don’t know better—you do. You feel the pull to sleep, to recharge for the demanding day ahead.

You’re looking for a sliver of time that’s just yours, free from emails, meetings, or family obligations.

Poor sleep hygiene for executives often stems from that craving for autonomy. It’s like they’re carving out a secret space to breathe, to feel like themselves again—the version that’s not always adapting to everyone else’s needs or expectations.

Yet, the moment they start to enjoy time away from work, guilt creeps in. “I should be sleeping,” they think. “This is a waste of time.” And so begins the internal battle, leaving them stuck in a hazy middle ground where they get neither sleep nor real enjoyment.

High-Achievers Often Sleep Terribly

You push through long days, making decisions that affect teams or entire companies, all while juggling personal responsibilities. By evening, you’re wiped out, but that quiet time after everyone else has gone to bed feels like the only chance to unwind without interruption. Maybe you tell yourself it’s just a quick check of social media or one more episode, but hours slip away.

The problem isn’t the activities themselves; it’s that they’re not truly fulfilling. You’re not laughing with friends, pursuing a hobby that lights you up, or even just daydreaming freely. Instead, it’s this numb scrolling, half-hearted and laced with self-reproach. You end up feeling more drained, frustrated with yourself for “wasting” time, and then the cycle repeats the next night.

Sleep suffers, energy dips, and that sharp edge you need for your professional life starts to dull. Over time, this constant push-pull can leave you feeling fragmented, like parts of yourself are unraveling under the strain of always putting duty first:

Poor Sleep Hygiene is Costing You a Lot

Symptom	Statistic	Reference
Diminished Focus and Decision-Making	After five consecutive nights of partial sleep deprivation, participants showed reduced data gathering before making decisions and increased risk propensity.	Effects of Total and Partial Sleep Deprivation on Reflection … – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7261660/
Lowered Creativity and Innovation	Declines in sleep are associated with lower individual creativity and productivity, significantly impacting the elaboration process in innovation.	Workforce sleep and corporate innovation – ScienceDirect.com – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0048733325000204
Increased Irritability and Mood Swings	Poorer sleep quality is directly associated with increased irritability (β = 0.25, p < .001).	Associations between sleep quality and irritability – PubMed Central – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10978035/
Heightened Risk of Burnout	At least 79% of UK employees experience burnout, with around 35% reporting extreme or high levels due to factors including lack of breaks.	64 workplace burnout statistics you need to know for 2024 – Spill – https://www.spill.chat/mental-health-statistics/workplace-burnout-statistics
Strained Relationships	Poor sleep leads to increased feelings of anger, which in turn negatively impacts perceptions of romantic partnerships.	New psychology study uncovers the romantic consequences of poor … – https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-study-uncovers-the-romantic-consequences-of-poor-sleep-quality/
Physical Health Decline	Insufficient sleep leads to increased incidences of cardiovascular morbidity and chances of diabetes mellitus, with about 1 in 3 US adults reporting not getting enough rest.	What Are Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?
Reduced Productivity and Performance	Fatigue from poor sleep costs US companies around $136.4 billion annually in productivity losses.	The Link Between Sleep and Job Performance – Sleep Foundation – https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/good-sleep-and-job-performance
Elevated Anxiety and Depression	Participants averaging 6 hours or less of sleep per night are about 2.5 times more likely to have frequent mental distress, including anxiety and depression symptoms.	Effect of Inadequate Sleep on Frequent Mental Distress – CDC – https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2021/20_0573.htm
Hindered Career Progression	Nearly 25% of US adults suffer from insomnia, often experiencing excessive sleepiness that impacts work performance and career opportunities.	When Insomnia Threatens Your Career: Finding Balance Between … – https://wesper.co/blogs/wesper-journal/when-insomnia-threatens-your-career-finding-balance-between-sleep-and-work
Compromised Overall Well-Being	Lack of sleep is compromising the mental health of 78% of adults, contributing to reduced overall well-being.	Lack Of Sleep Is Compromising The Mental Health Of 78% Of Adults – https://neurowellnesstms.com/lack-of-sleep-is-compromising-the-mental-health-of-78-of-adults/

Poor Sleep Hygiene Is the Result of Unmet Needs

What if we flipped the script and saw this late-night resistance not as a flaw, but as a signal from your innermost self? Deep down, you’re craving freedom. You want a moment to simply exist without the constant adjustments to please or perform for others. It’s a chance for your creative, spontaneous side to emerge uninterrupted.

This is called your “creative self” and it’s as essential to your brain as food is to your body. This is the impulse you feel, especially after a demanding week, to indulge yourself, to play, to do something that’s not for anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s wanting to create, explore, connect, or simply enjoy.

The “creative self” passively repairs your mind

Accessing the Creative Self is the way we flush out the content of the day, daydream, and often, we passively find solutions to hard problems. It’s a mode that restores our energy, and is essential for high level creativity and problem solving. It’s what some people call “active rest”, and neglecting it has detrimental consequences for your body and mind.

Connecting with this aspect of yourself is like coming up for air in competitive swimming. That breath might feel like it costs you speed in the moment. But skip it too often, and your form starts to falter. Your strokes weaken. Eventually, you’re gasping and collapsing from lack of oxygen.

Or think of an F1 driver eyeing a pit stop. To a rookie, it seems like a frustrating delay that slows the race. But a seasoned pro knows refusing to change those worn tires will lead to blowouts, spins, or worse. It could derail the whole lap.

Similarly, a marathon runner can’t skip hydration breaks thinking they’ll save time. Dehydration leads to cramps and slowdowns. It could mean dropping out of the race altogether.

In the same way, you might not realize just how much denying yourself that exhale—to play, to reward yourself freely—is costing you. It clouds your focus at work. It strains your relationships. That unmet need to create and enjoy doesn’t vanish. It builds up, and if not listened to, can create larger problems down the road like angry blow ups, burnout, avoidance of important problems, relationship stress and chronic pain.

Honor Needs Openly for Balance

Imagine honoring that need openly, without the sneakiness or shame. Picture building it right into your week—like scheduling an evening walk where your mind can wander, or dedicating time to a creative pursuit that brings a genuine smile.

Treat it as non-negotiable, just like a key meeting or a workout. As Winnecott, a British psychologist, once observed, “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.”

The Emotional Habit that’s Impacting Your Sleep

This pattern is a step-by-step emotional process where your drive to be always productive collides with a quieter, more authentic urge for down time, leading to an exhausting back-and-forth that gives you neither. This often traces back to early habits of always putting others first, shaping a pattern where your own needs feel secondary.

Here’s what’s unfolding inside:

Constant Demands Build Up: Your day starts with a whirlwind of responsibilities—leading teams, solving problems, supporting family—where you’re always tuning yourself to fit what others need. It’s like wearing a mask of efficiency and reliability, but over time, this nonstop accommodation leaves little room for your own unfiltered thoughts or whims. By nightfall, you’re craving a break from this role, a space where you don’t have to adjust or perform.
Personal Space Rebellion Emerges: As the house quiets down, that suppressed part of you stirs—a need for autonomy, for time that’s purely yours to let your mind drift or explore without agenda. It’s not laziness; it’s your creative self pushing back, seeking a moment of uninterrupted being where you can feel whole and alive, not fragmented by constant demands.
Self-Doubt and Fragmentation Intrude: Just as you start to relax into it, the critical voice kicks in: “You should be productive or sleeping—this is selfish.” This clash creates an inner fracture, where guilt amplifies the tension, turning what could be restorative into something anxious and draining. You feel scattered, like pieces of yourself are pulling in opposite directions, leading to that numb, unproductive limbo.
Grey Zone Stalemate Persists: Stuck in the middle, you default to safe but empty habits like doom-scrolling, which mimic freedom without delivering real joy or rest. The tug-of-war drags on, eroding your energy and leaving you frustrated, as neither side “wins”—you don’t get the sleep you need, nor the genuine recharge your inner self is begging for.
Guilt wins: You finally tell yourself you’ve really messed up, and that you need to be better about getting to bed at a good time. You chastise yourself, and head off to bed dreading how tired you’ll be tomorrow, wishing you hadn’t been so selfish… only to start at #1 again in the morning.

Guilt Blocks Progress, Not Your Need for Down Time

The biggest hurdle to your sleep?

It’s NOT your need for down time.

This is where we need to get it right. Your need to relax and recoup, to access your creative self, is not the problem. The problem is that you’re not respecting your valid need for a break to yourself, and when you do, it’s crowded out by guilt.

That nagging guilt. It whispers that taking time for yourself is indulgent, that real leaders push through without “frivolous” breaks. Maybe it stems from early lessons about hard work equaling worth, or from seeing colleagues who seem to never slow down. Whatever the root, it keeps you locked in the tug-of-war, afraid that embracing your need to just be means dropping the ball elsewhere. But here’s the truth: ignoring that need doesn’t make it go away; it just manifests in ways that harm you more, like poor sleep, burnout, and that sense of inner unraveling.

Guilt is that root problem. If you didn’t have guilt, you might plan a reasonable time to enjoy yourself. Even a half hour doing something you truly enjoy *without guilt* is rewarding. But waffling back and forth all night leaves you both unsatisfied and more exhausted.

Guilty Self-Talk vs. Healthy Alternatives

Guilty Phrase	Healthy Alternative
“I should be sleeping instead of this.”	“I deserve this moment to unwind and recharge.”
“This time is such a waste— I need to be more disciplined.”	“Taking time for myself now will make me sharper tomorrow.”
“Why do I always sabotage myself like this?”	“It’s okay to honor my need for autonomy.”
“Real professionals don’t need personal time; they just power through.”	“Play and rest are essential for my long-term success.”

Depth Therapy Offers Support

Therapy offers a gentle path forward. In these conversations, you explore the origins of that inner conflict in a safe, supportive space—no judgments, just curiosity. It’s about uncovering why you’ve learned to prioritize accommodation over your own creative flow. It’s also about rediscovering the freedom to exist without constant interruption or self-reproach.

You’ll learn to quiet the critical voice and build a stronger sense of permission, allowing your true self to surface without the anxiety of fragmentation. Many find that as they delve deeper, sleep improves naturally, energy returns, and life feels less like a constant pull and more like a harmonious flow. Reaching out to a therapist could be the kindest step you take for yourself.

View Our Therapists in DTLA

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FAQ

What causes poor sleep hygiene for busy professionals?

For busy professionals who struggles to sleep at the end of the day, poor hygiene is often a conflict between daily demands and the need for personal autonomy, leading to guilt and unproductive habits that disrupt sleep.

How can professionals incorporate downtime without guilt?

Start by scheduling short, intentional breaks for enjoyable activities earlier in the evening, treating them as essential for overall well-being and performance.

When should someone consider psychotherapy for sleep issues?

Consider psychotherapy if guilt around self-care feels persistent and impacts sleep, work, or relationships, as it helps explore and resolve underlying conflicts.

What are quick ways to improve sleep hygiene?

Establish a consistent bedtime routine, limit screen time before bed, and create a calm sleep environment free from distractions.

How does poor sleep affect professional performance?

It can lead to reduced focus, decision-making errors, and increased stress, ultimately impacting productivity and relationships.

Teen girl achieving success in school due to proven ADHD strategies

Managing emotions, Parenting

Screen Time Cripples Teen Girls’ Mental Health: How to Replace Social Media with Belonging

Written by Addy Sonneland

Imagine your teenage daughter scrolling endlessly on her phone late into the night, her face lit by the glow, but her mood darkening with each swipe. She seems more withdrawn, anxious about school or friends, and you’re left wondering if all that time online is taking a toll. If this scenario feels familiar, you’re not alone—many parents in Pasadena notice these shifts as screen time rises. Research increasingly links excessive screen use to mental health struggles in adolescent girls, from heightened depression to disrupted sleep.

In this post, we’ll explore research findings on screen time’s impact, categorize the top 3 negative effects on teenage girls with real examples, overview proven strategies to limit it, and highlight studies on replacing screens with in-person activities for positive change. Drawing from experts like Gabor Maté on trauma and disconnection, this can lead to less worry at home and healthier teens—let’s get started.

Research Findings on Screen Time’s Impact on Adolescent Girls’ Mental Health

Recent studies paint a concerning yet hopeful picture: Excessive screen time correlates with poorer mental health in teens, particularly girls, but awareness opens doors to change. As a parent watching your daughter navigate this digital world, it’s natural to feel a mix of worry and determination—let’s unpack what the data shows.

Key Studies Linking Screen Time to Mental Health Risks

A June 2025 APA study found each hour of screen time boosts depressive symptoms severity in adolescents, like a slow-building storm cloud over their emotional skies. CDC research from July 2025 linked high screen use to worse health outcomes, including mental distress, painting a vivid image of teens trapped in a cycle of scrolling and sadness. A 2025 meta-analysis showed screen time positively associated with depressive, anxiety, and stress symptoms, reminding us how these devices, meant to connect, can sometimes isolate our kids in invisible ways.

Girls’ Heightened Vulnerability in Screen Time Research

Girls appear more vulnerable: A UCSF study noted preteens with more screens face higher depression/anxiety later, especially girls, as if the constant comparisons act like mirrors distorting their self-view. Pew’s 2025 report tied social media to teen mental health woes, with girls reporting more negative impacts, evoking the heartache of seeing your daughter dim her light to match filtered ideals. Maté aligns this with healing emotional wounds through presence, fostering resilience against hypervigilance from rejection fears, offering hope that mindful interventions can turn the tide.

Broader Implications from Screen Time Studies

Overall, while moderate use may aid learning, over 2-3 hours daily—especially social media—heightens risks, per a 2025 BMC study, like a gentle stream turning into a raging river that erodes emotional stability. Girls show stronger links due to social comparison and cyberbullying. Maté warns, “Screens displace vital bonds,” compounding trauma through isolation, but this also highlights the power of real-world connections to rebuild what feels lost.

Top 3 Negative Impacts of Screen Time on Teenage Girls

From the research, three key negative impacts stand out for teenage girls, often more pronounced due to social dynamics. Here’s a breakdown with examples—think of these as warning signs, like storm clouds gathering, signaling it’s time for supportive action:

Impact	Description & Examples
1. Increased Depression & Suicidal Thoughts	Excessive screens, especially social media, correlate with higher depressive symptoms and suicide risk in girls. A 2025 study found girls using phones 5+ hours/day 71% more likely for suicidal thoughts. Examples: Constant comparisons lead to low self-worth; one X parent shared, “My daughter cries over Instagram ‘perfect lives’—now she’s withdrawn and talks negatively about herself.” Maté links this to disconnection: “Trauma is…disconnection from ourselves,” fueled by virtual validation over real bonds.
2. Heightened Anxiety & Stress	Screens boost anxiety symptoms, with girls showing stronger associations. A 2025 analysis linked screen time to stress/depression in adolescents. Examples: FOMO from feeds causes restlessness; Reddit parents report, “My teen girl panics over unread messages, leading to sleep loss and school avoidance.” Maté notes addictive use as self-soothing gone awry, worsening emotional regulation.
3. Disrupted Sleep & Emotional Problems	Screens interfere with sleep, linking to mood issues; a 2025 study showed addictive use triples suicide risk via poor rest. Examples: Late-night scrolling causes fatigue/irritability; X discussions highlight “grumpy mornings from TikTok binges.” Maté emphasizes this as compounding trauma through isolation: “High screen time…increases severity of depressive symptoms.”

These impacts create vicious cycles. Screens displace real interactions, deepening disconnection—Maté warns, “Close relationships are the center of a happy life,” yet screens often sabotage them.

Proven Strategies to Limit Screen Time Effectively in Teens

To counter these effects, parents can adopt research-backed strategies for limiting screen time, focusing on balance and alternatives. These approaches emphasize family involvement and positive replacements, creating a nurturing environment where teens feel supported rather than restricted.

Establish Family Agreements on Screen Limits

Set daily guidelines collaboratively, like 1-2 hours non-educational use, using apps for enforcement. A WHO report shows this aids mental health by reducing exposure. Maté supports: “Mindful limits foster presence.”

Make sure boundaries on screen time are co-created. Limits set by parents and communicated unilaterally to teens can create a power struggle filled with resentments. To avoid conflict, yet still create change, try including your teen in creating the screen time boundary:

Present the problem. Tell your teen about the problem you see with the current arrangement with screens. Present the problem in light of your desire for their happiness and growth. For example, you might say, “I notice that you don’t do your normal hobbies after school much because of screens get in the way, then you get irritable when later you don’t have time to do these things that are really life-giving to you.”
Connect with their goal. Ask your teen about how they feel about screen usage and if they were to make a change, what benefit it might have for them.
Tell them your goal. Align with their goal while also stating what you’d like to change: “I agree and want you to grow in that way too. I feel it’s time we make a change with screen time so we can get there.
Enlist their help. “Before I create a boundary, I thought I could get your ideas about the easiest way we could make a good change. What ideas do you have on how we could do screens differently that would make room for your hobbies and friends?”
Negotiate. It’s ok to not just take their first idea. If it feels too mild or unrealistic, it can be intellectually engaging and respectful of their autonomy to be honest about concerns or questions you have, so they can adjust their idea with you: “Well I’m worried if we just limit screen usage after 9pm, we’re not making a change in the part of the day when it counts the most. How can we adjust it?”
Make it pragmatic. Create a boundary that’s easy to remember and easy to enforce. Simple is better. Make a reminder next week on your calendar to check in about the new boundary and see what adjustments you need to make together.

Create Tech-Free Zones and Times

Designate bedrooms/meals as screen-free to improve sleep and interactions. Studies link this to lower anxiety; BMC research confirms reduced emotional distress. Imagine family dinners becoming warm havens of conversation, where laughter replaces notifications, helping your teen unwind naturally.

Model Healthy Screen Habits

Parents limiting their use sets examples—Pew notes teens mirror adults, aiding regulation. Encourage discussions on media’s “perfection” to combat comparison. Picture evenings where everyone plugs in devices together, modeling balance and opening doors to heartfelt talks about the day’s highs and lows.

Promote Offline Hobbies and Monitoring

Introduce sports/arts; BMC studies show exercise mitigates harms. Monitor content gently to address cyber issues. Envision your daughter trading scrolls for a dance class, her energy channeled into joy, with you cheering from the sidelines—small steps fostering resilience and fun.

Positive Outcomes from Replacing Screen Time with In-Person Activities for Girls

Research shows swapping screens for in-person activities markedly improves mental health, especially for girls, like sunlight breaking through clouds after a storm. A 2020 UBC study found teens (including girls) with more extracurriculars and less screen time had better mental health, reducing depression by promoting belonging. A 2022 UK study linked replacing screens with exercise to lowered emotional distress in teens, with girls showing greater benefits from social bonds, evoking the warmth of real friendships over digital likes.

A PLoS One meta-analysis noted “green time” (outdoor social activities) countered screen harms, improving well-being in adolescents by fostering real connections, as if nurturing a garden where self-esteem blooms. For girls, in-person interactions mitigate comparison anxiety from social media—Maté notes this rebuilds self-connection: “Screens displace vital bonds.” Examples: Group sports reduced loneliness in a BMC study, with girls reporting 50% less depressive symptoms, painting a vivid scene of laughter on the field replacing solitary scrolls.

Guidelines for Implementing Screen Limits and Replacements Step-by-Step

To apply this with care, approach as a team effort, like guiding your daughter through a foggy path toward clearer skies:

Assess Usage: Track screen time family-wide—discuss impacts openly, perhaps over ice cream, to make it feel supportive rather than accusatory.
Set Boundaries: Agree on limits (e.g., no phones at dinner); introduce in-person alternatives like family walks, starting small to build enthusiasm.
Monitor & Adjust: Use apps for enforcement; celebrate successes with group activities like board games, adjusting based on her feedback to ensure it feels collaborative.

Screen time’s toll on girls’ mental health is real, but limits and social replacements offer hope, like planting seeds for a brighter future. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we help families navigate this through somatic therapy for embodied healing, addressing disconnection with warmth and tools tailored to your teen’s needs.

Ready to support your teen? Contact Here Counseling today—healthier habits await.

FAQ: Screen Time Impact on Adolescent Girls’ Mental Health

What is screen time’s impact on adolescent girls’ mental health?

Excessive screen time correlates with higher depression, anxiety, and sleep issues in girls; studies show social media amplifies comparison and stress.

Negative effects of screen time on teenage girls?

Top effects include increased depression/suicide risk, anxiety/stress, and disrupted sleep/emotional problems; research links 2+ hours daily to worsened symptoms.

How to limit screen time for teens?

Set family agreements on daily limits, create tech-free zones, and model behavior; encourage hobbies to replace screens effectively.

Benefits of replacing screen time with in-person activities?

Replacing screens with social activities reduces depression and boosts well-being; studies show extracurriculars cut emotional distress in teens.

Seek therapy if symptoms like persistent anxiety or withdrawal last over 2 weeks or disrupt daily life; early intervention prevents escalation.

Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy. I work with teens and families to break cycles of anxiety, conflict, and miscommunication. Helping teens heal from anxiety means working on more than just thoughts—it’s also about teaching their bodies to feel safe and regulated. Using somatic therapy techniques, I guide teens in noticing and shifting what’s happening inside, so they can break free from old patterns and discover their innate strengths. We work together with their families to create new ways of relating and supporting each other, building patterns that serve them for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and connection.

Learn more about teen therapy with Addy

Anxiety, Managing emotions, Parenting, Somatic Exercises

Your Teen Overwhelmed by Back-to-School Anxiety? 3 Signs, 3 Parenting Pitfalls, and 3 Ways to Help Your Teen Succeed

Written by Addy Sonneland

Picture your teen pacing the kitchen the night before school starts, clutching their stomach and snapping at small questions, their usual spark dimmed by worry. As summer ends and routines resume in Pasadena, anxiety surges, overwhelming many adolescents with restlessness or tears. Back-to-school transitions stir deep fears in teens, from social pressures to academic demands.

In this post, we’ll explore 3 common symptoms teens show from back-to-school anxiety, explaining each with real examples and internal dynamics via interpersonal neurobiology and adolescent development research. Then, we’ll cover common parent missteps that heighten anxiety and effective strategies to support without removing stressors. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more resilient kids—let’s begin.

Sign #1: Physical Complaints Signal Back-to-School Anxiety

Parents often notice teens complaining of headaches, stomachaches, or muscle tension as school approaches, turning mornings into battles of persuasion. One Reddit parent shared, “My 13-year-old woke up with stomach cramps every day last week, saying ‘I can’t face school’—it’s clearly nerves about new teachers.” Social media posts describe “teens faking sick to skip the bus,” with symptoms like nausea peaking during back-to-school prep, disrupting family flow. These physical signs can linger into afternoons, with teens rubbing temples or curling up, signaling deep unease.

These bodily responses reflect a nervous system on high alert. Anxiety triggers the body’s stress response, releasing cortisol that manifests as pain. This is partially because the brain’s prefrontal cortex, responsible for regulation, is still maturing. Research from a 2023 CDC study shows 1 in 3 teens experience somatic symptoms from school-related stress, as the developing brain prioritizes survival over comfort. Internally, they’re wrestling with perceived threats—new social hierarchies or academic rigor—needing a safe outlet to process.

Sign #2: Avoidance Behaviors Reflect School Anxiety Struggles

Some teens resist attending school, faking illness or begging to stay home, transforming daily routines into emotional standoffs. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My 15-year-old refuses to get out of bed, claiming ‘I’m too sick’—it’s really panic about cliques and tests every morning.” X examples include “teens melting down at drop-off,” with avoidance escalating to missed days, leaving parents torn between discipline and concern. This can extend to avoiding homework or social events, creating a ripple of tension.

From an interpersonal neurobiology lens, avoidance stems from the amygdala hijacking the brain’s executive functions, perceiving school as a danger zone due to unfamiliarity or past bullying. Adolescent development research from a 2023 McLean Hospital study indicates hormonal shifts heighten this fight-or-flight response in 5-10% of anxious teens, as the still-developing prefrontal cortex struggles to override fear. Internally, they’re stuck in a loop of dread, needing a bridge back to safety without force.

Sign #3: Irritability Means Hidden Back-to-School Anxiety

Anxiety often surfaces as irritability, with teens snapping at siblings or parents over trivial issues, disrupting home harmony. One Reddit parent recounted, “My 14-year-old explodes after school—yelling about homework or a messy room, but it’s really ‘what if I fail?’ fears spilling out.” Social media posts describe “teens slamming doors post-bus,” with daily “mood swings” from unspoken worries, leaving families navigating a minefield of emotions.

Interpersonally, this reflects an immature emotional regulation system, where the limbic system’s reactivity outpaces prefrontal control, per a 2023 APA study noting a 30% rise in teen irritability during school transitions. Developmentally, puberty’s hormonal surge amplifies this, turning anxiety into a pressure cooker that bursts with frustration. Internally, they’re overwhelmed by new demands, needing a release valve for pent-up stress.

Common Parent Missteps That Worsen Teen Anxiety Symptoms

Well-meaning parents can unintentionally heighten teen anxiety through reactive or protective responses, creating unintended harm. These missteps often stem from a desire to alleviate distress but end up reinforcing dependency or fear.

1. Over-Functioning and Babying Teens

Taking over tasks like completing homework or driving them to avoid school amplifies reliance, as a 2023 Mott Children’s study found 25% increased dependence when parents over-function. For example, a parent might say, “I’ll do your project—don’t worry,” leaving the teen feeling incapable, deepening anxiety about facing challenges alone.

2. Becoming Cold and Punitive

Responding with harshness, like “Stop whining and go to school!” triggers more fear, per a 2023 Bryson-led study showing 40% increased dysregulation with punishment. A parent might ground a teen for avoidance, escalating tension—imagine a teen retreating further, feeling rejected instead of supported.

3. Ignoring Emotional Cues

Dismissing complaints with “It’s just nerves, get over it” invalidates their experience, per a 2024 AACAP report linking ignored emotions to 30% higher stress. For instance, brushing off a stomachache might push a teen to bottle up fears, worsening internal chaos.

These pitfalls trap teens in anxiety loops, where overprotection or punishment erodes their ability to self-regulate, leaving parents frustrated and teens more overwhelmed.

Effective Parent Strategies to Support Anxious Teens Without Removing Stressors

Instead of fixing problems, parents can empower teens to navigate anxiety with supportive strategies, fostering resilience and independence while maintaining safety.

1. Offer a Calm Presence for Emotional Regulation

Be a steady anchor, modeling deep breaths during overwhelm to integrate their nervous system—try “Let’s breathe together when it feels big.” A 2024 Compass Health study shows 40% reduced avoidance with this co-regulation, helping teens feel secure to face school.

2. Validate Feelings and Co-Create Solutions

Sit with their emotions, saying “This is tough—how can we tackle it?” to co-create plans, per a 2024 AACAP guide cutting stress by 30% with autonomy. For example, brainstorm a morning checklist together, giving them ownership while easing transition fears.

3. Encourage Structured Outlets for Expression

Guide them to outlets like journaling or sports, offering “Want to write it out or kick a ball?” A 2024 Cedars-Sinai report notes 35% fewer outbursts with structured release, building skills to process anxiety independently.

Parenting Strategy	Example	Effect on Child	Reference
Offer a Calm Presence	“Let’s take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed about school.”	40% reduced avoidance	2024 Compass Health study
Validate Feelings and Co-Create	“I see you’re worried—let’s plan your morning together.”	30% stress reduction	2024 AACAP guide
Encourage Structured Outlets	“Want to journal or play soccer to unwind after school?”	35% fewer outbursts	2024 Cedars-Sinai study
Over-Functioning and Babying	“I’ll do your project—don’t worry.”	25% increased dependence	2023 Mott Children’s study
Becoming Cold and Punitive	“Stop whining and go to school!”	40% increased dysregulation	2023 Bryson-led study
Ignoring Emotional Cues	“It’s just nerves, get over it.”	30% higher stress	2024 AACAP report

Guidelines for Seeking Therapy: When Teen Anxiety Warrants Professional Support

Normal anxiety fades; persistent symptoms need attention. Seek therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, disrupting school or sleep (e.g., refusal, insomnia); physical complaints persist; or self-harm thoughts emerge, per 2023 AACAP guidelines. Early intervention prevents escalation—Pasadena therapists like Here Counseling offer specialized support.

Supporting Teen Transitions: Therapy Eases Back-to-School Anxiety

These challenges are growth opportunities—understanding fosters empathy. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we help families through somatic therapy for calm integration.

Ready to support your teen? Contact Here Counseling today—brighter days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Anxiety Symptoms

What are common anxiety symptoms in teens returning to school?

Common symptoms include physical complaints, avoidance behaviors, and irritability; they arise from anxiety overwhelming the nervous system during transitions.

How does anxiety cause physical symptoms in teens?

Anxiety triggers bodily distress like headaches as the nervous system overreacts; research shows this peaks during school stress, needing calm support to ease.

Why do anxious teens avoid school?

Avoidance stems from anxiety viewing school as a threat; developmental studies link this to fear responses, eased by gradual exposure with empathy.

What causes teen irritability from school anxiety?

Irritability is anxiety’s overflow from stress; adolescent brain changes amplify this, requiring patience and outlets to restore balance.

When to seek therapy for teen back-to-school anxiety?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist 2+ weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm; early help like counseling prevents escalation per AACAP guidelines.

Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy. I work with teens and families to break cycles of anxiety. Helping teens heal from anxiety means working on more than just thoughts—it’s also about teaching their bodies to feel safe and regulated. Using somatic therapy techniques, I guide teens in noticing and shifting what’s happening inside, so they can break free from old patterns and discover their innate strengths. We work together with their families to create new ways of relating and supporting each other, building patterns that serve them for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and connection.

Learn more about teen therapy with Addy

Managing emotions

7 Back-to-School Issues Teens Face, and How to Help

Written by herecounseling

The backpacks are packed, schedules are set, but as your teen heads off to school, you notice the shift: sullen moods, short tempers, or withdrawn silence after a long day. The transition from summer freedom to structured routines hits hard, stirring up anxiety, irritability, and more. You’re seeing these signs and wondering what’s normal versus when to worry. Many parents report similar struggles as adolescents navigate this pivotal time.

We’ll explore 7 common emotional symptoms teens experience returning to school, using real parent examples and quotes from online forums. For each, we’ll describe the typical problem, then dive into what’s happening in this unique developmental stage, using adolescent neurological and social research. We’ll also discuss what your teen might need, given the emotional issue they’re facing. At the end, guidelines on when to seek therapy. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more supported teens.

1. Anxiety and Overwhelm in Teens Returning to School

The Typical Problem: Heightened Worry and Physical Distress

Parents often describe teens overwhelmed by the return to academics, social pressures, and routines, leading to physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or avoidance behaviors. One Reddit parent shared: “My 14-year-old started having panic attacks the week before school—crying about ‘failing classes’ and ‘losing friends,’ even vomiting from nerves on the first day. It’s like summer erased her confidence.” Online posts expand on this, with examples of teens “freaking out over class schedules” or “begging to stay home because ‘everything feels too much.'” These worries can manifest in constant “what if” questions at home, disrupted sleep, or reluctance to discuss school, leaving parents feeling helpless as the anxiety spills into family dynamics.

What’s Happening Internally: Brain Remodeling Under Stress

During adolescence, the brain undergoes massive remodeling, making teens more sensitive to stress—Daniel Siegel calls this the “upstairs brain” (rational thinking) clashing with the “downstairs brain” (emotions), creating overwhelm like a “flipped lid” where logic shuts down: “When kids feel overwhelmed, their emotional brain takes over—it’s like a storm they can’t control yet.” Developmentally, hormonal changes amplify fears of failure or rejection, turning school into a high-stakes arena where overwhelm feels survival-level, often exacerbated by social media comparisons.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Safety and Co-Regulation

To recover, teens need a sense of safety through consistent routines and parental co-regulation. Labeling feelings like “I see you’re worried about fitting in” helps integrate brain functions. Developmentally, they crave validation of their emotions without dismissal, plus tools like journaling worries or short mindfulness breaks to rebuild resilience and reduce anxiety’s grip.

2. Irritability and Anger Outbursts in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Sudden Snaps and Emotional Volatility

Teens may snap over small things post-school, like homework or chores, as exhaustion fuels outbursts that strain family interactions. A parent on Reddit described in depth: “My 15-year-old comes home raging about ‘stupid teachers’ or siblings touching their stuff—it’s like a switch flips after school, turning minor annoyances into full-blown tantrums that last hours.” X examples include “daily meltdowns over nothing,” with parents noting increased defiance from pent-up frustration, such as slamming doors or refusing dinner, leaving everyone walking on eggshells.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Reactivity from Brain Changes

Siegel highlights adolescent “emotional intensity” from brain pruning, where the limbic system amps up reactivity: “Teens feel emotions more strongly, leading to outbursts as the brain learns regulation.” In development, puberty’s emotional volatility combines with school stressors like peer dynamics, making anger a release valve for unprocessed overwhelm or unmet needs.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Empathy and Decompression Space

Recovery involves empathy and space—Siegel’s “connect and redirect” means first attuning (“I see school’s tough today”) before guiding behavior. This means your teenager needs to first see that you are feeling what they’re feeling from their perspective, before you suggest changes. We recommend “time-ins” for joint calming, like deep breathing together. Developmentally, teens need outlets like exercise or hobbies to process volatility, plus emotional flexibility that affirms “Your feelings are valid, how can choose how to best express them?”

3. Depression and Low Mood in Adolescents Starting School

The Typical Problem: Withdrawal and Persistent Sadness

Parents report teens seeming “down” or unmotivated, withdrawing from activities or family, which can mimic laziness but signals deeper distress. One Reddit thread shared a vivid story: “My daughter was excited for school but now she’s just sad all the time, sleeping through weekends, skipping meals, and saying ‘nothing matters’—it’s like the spark’s gone.” Social media posts mention “post-summer blues” worsening into “not wanting to do anything,” with examples of lost interest in hobbies or friends, worrying parents about long-term impacts.

What’s Happening Internally: Disrupted Reward and Connection Systems

Siegel describes teen depression as disrupted integration: “When the brain’s reward systems remodel, low mood can emerge from feeling disconnected.” Sadness is about unmet needs for connection and understanding. Developmentally, identity formation amid peer comparisons and academic demands can trigger hopelessness, especially if school feels like constant evaluation without support.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Purpose-Building

To recover, teens need belonging. Get your child outside engaged with other kids and adults who know them. They might benefit from an activity that requires their help to accomplish a shared goal, like cooking a family meal, being part of a team sport or musical, or engaging in a collaborative hobby with friends.

4. School Avoidance or Refusal in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Resistance and Morning Battles

Some teens resist attending, faking illness or outright refusing, turning mornings into power struggles. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My son refuses school every morning—says it’s too much, hides under covers, and we’ve had tears and arguments daily since day one.” Social media examples include “teens begging to stay home” due to “bullying or overload,” with parents struggling to motivate without force, fearing truancy or emotional harm.

What’s Happening Internally: Fear Overriding Rationality

Siegel explains avoidance as “downstairs brain” dominance: “Fear overrides logic, making school feel like danger.” In adolescent development, autonomy clashes with structure, amplifying resistance when emotional regulation lags behind cognitive growth.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gradual Exposure and Support

Recovery requires gradual exposure—Siegel’s “window of tolerance” expands by starting small, like partial days with check-ins. Developmentally, teens need autonomy in solutions, like counseling or schedule adjustments, to rebuild confidence and attendance. This means including your teen in making decisions about their schedule and priorities, as much as possible. Engage in negotiation in a way that takes seriously the conflict: “Let’s think about this: I hear you’re feeling exhausted by team practice, so what’s the best way to handle it that doesn’t make things harder for you down the line?”

The Typical Problem: Isolation from Peers and Family

Teens may isolate, avoiding friends or family post-school, which parents notice as “hiding in rooms” or declining invites. Reddit parents note, “My 16-year-old comes home and hides in their room—no more social life, even ignoring texts from friends.” Social media shares “loneliness after summer break,” with examples of “cyberbullying pushing kids inward” or “feeling outcast in cliques,” worrying about long-term effects on self-esteem.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Rejection Sensitivity

Siegel views withdrawal as integration failure: “Social brains crave connection, but remodeling can heighten rejection sensitivity.” Developmentally, peer focus intensifies, making social setbacks feel like identity threats amid brain changes prioritizing belonging.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gentle Reconnection and Validation

To recover, teens need gentle reconnection—Siegel’s attunement means mirroring feelings: “It sounds lonely; I’m here.” Developmentally, they benefit from low-stakes social steps, like clubs or therapy groups, to rebuild belonging and reduce isolation. Consider talking with other parents about limiting screen or social media time and promote in-person non-screen-based activities. Often social media can act like a collective trap, and collaboration with other parents can help build healthy social connections for everyone.

6. Sleep Disturbances and Fatigue in School-Bound Teens

The Typical Problem: Insomnia and Daytime Exhaustion

Parents report insomnia or oversleeping disrupting moods and performance. One Reddit post said, “Teen can’t sleep from school worry, then crashes all weekend—grumpy and unfocused daily.” Social media posts mention “exhaustion from early starts,” with examples of “falling asleep in class” or “nighttime scrolling anxiety,” concerning parents about academic fallout.

What’s Happening Internally: Shifted Circadian Rhythms

Siegel links this to brain changes: “Adolescent sleep patterns shift later, clashing with school schedules and heightening fatigue.” In development, circadian shifts combine with stress, impairing emotional control and amplifying irritability.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Consistent Routines and Rest

Recovery involves consistent routines—Siegel recommends “brain hygiene” like dim lights pre-bed. Developmentally, teens need later bedtimes with screen limits, plus naps or therapy if fatigue persists, to restore energy and mood. Making changes to their routine can be difficult: consider, as we talked about in #4, co-creating a solution with your teen to help reduce the power struggle over their time.

7. Low Self-Esteem and Identity Struggles in Teens Back at School

The Typical Problem: Self-Doubt Amid Comparisons

Teens may doubt themselves amid comparisons, affecting motivation and interactions. A Reddit parent shared, “My kid feels ‘stupid’ after bad grades—self-esteem tanked, avoiding friends and activities.” Social media examples include “identity crises from cliques,” with “shame over fitting in” or “constant self-criticism,” alarming parents about withdrawal.

What’s Happening Internally: Remodeling Self-Concept

Siegel describes “identity remodeling”: “Teens question ‘who am I?’ amid brain changes, leading to self-doubt.” Developmentally, abstract thinking heightens self-criticism in evaluative environments like school, intensifying struggles.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Affirmation and Identity Support

To recover, teens need affirmation—Siegel’s “mindsight” encourages self-reflection: “Help them see strengths.” Developmentally, they benefit from identity-exploring activities like clubs or therapy, rebuilding esteem through successes and acceptance.

When Should I Consider Therapy?

While some back-to-school emotions are normal, persistent or intense symptoms warrant professional support. Consider therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, interfering with daily life (e.g., missing school); physical signs like eating/sleep changes accompany moods; teen expresses hopelessness or self-harm thoughts; or family dynamics worsen. Early intervention prevents escalation.

We have therapists who can help your teen recover to their normal self. In fact, these emotional changes can sometimes be important signals for needed change as they develop into a young adult. Our therapists can help you avoid painful arguments with your teen and create space for them to thrive.

Schedule Teen Therapy in Pasadena

I help teens in Pasadena recover from depression, self-harm, and panic attacks using somatic therapy. I’m Addy Sonneland and I’m a somatic therapist in Pasadena. I can help your teen recover and build on the strengths they need to thrive.

In our consultation call, you can tell me what you’re experiencing with your teen, and I can share how I can help.

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Embracing Support: Therapy for Teen Transitions

These challenges are part of growth, but understanding helps. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support teens and families through somatic and relational therapy for smoother school starts.

Ready to ease the transition? Contact Here Counseling today—calmer days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Emotional Challenges

What are common emotional symptoms when teens return to school?

Common symptoms include anxiety, irritability, low mood, avoidance, withdrawal, sleep issues, and self-esteem struggles; they stem from readjustment stresses.

How does school start affect teen anxiety?

School start heightens anxiety through social and academic pressures; Siegel notes brain remodeling amplifies overwhelm, making routines key for regulation.

Why do teens get irritable after school?

Irritability arises from exhaustion and unmet needs; Bryson explains it’s nervous system overload, eased by co-regulation and empathy.

Signs of teen depression from school?

Signs like withdrawal or hopelessness signal depression; development research shows peer comparisons intensify low mood during transitions.

When to seek therapy for back-to-school issues?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist over 2 weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm thoughts; early help prevents escalation.

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