Sometimes, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. It’s easy, instead, to wonder about the rippling effects your choice will have on others. You lie awake at night with racing thoughts, you do a bunch of research, you might even ask ChatGPT, but you wish you could make decisions painlessly. This can leave us wondering what to do when others express an opinion about our lives. You feel out of control, and like whatever you decide is a lose-lose. This feeling is normal, and it’s telling us something.
The real problem is not that you can’t decide; it’s that obstacles are getting in the way. Making a decision is about listening to yourself and trusting your communication with others. When done well, it doesn’t involve exorbitant effort. Decision-making can look painless. Let us explore obstacles to decision-making and then ideas for making your own decisions so that you can find peace today.
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We all make hundreds of decisions every day. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck with a certain decision. Something is interfering with your intuition. Here are 3 categories for the obstacles that are blocking you from making the decision:
1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.
It’s a terrible feeling to disappoint someone you care about. Behind this feeling is a fear that people will leave. You feel that you cannot make this decision without losing people you care about. When we are scared, people will abandon us, decisions become paralyzing.
2. You fear disappointing yourself.
What if you make a decision and it turns out horribly? You’ve probably thought of this, of course. Your mind might run on all the terrible ways this thing could turn out. It feels as if you make the ‘wrong’ decision, you will not only have failed at this specific thing, but you will prove to yourself that you are a failure. This feeling is shame. When we feel the pressure of shame rise, it interferes with our ability to make a decision.
3. You’re checked out.
You’re worried you’ll make a decision, and things won’t work out again. You’ll put yourself out there, and you’ll be disappointed, so you don’t decide. Instead, you tell yourself you don’t care. You’re left feeling disconnected from yourself and what you really want. When we are unable to name and claim our desires, making a decision is difficult.
Three ideas for how to make your own decisions
You want to be more confident in your decision-making process because the process you’re using right now just isn’t working. Here are a few ideas to help you think through your own process for making difficult decisions when they cause you conflict:
1. Connect to yourself
We make decisions from the people that we are. This means that our decisions are deeply connected to our values and desires. Sometimes we are consciously aware of our values and desires, but other times they operate unconsciously. This means that we need to ground ourselves in order to be more connected to those values and desires. It might feel silly, but I believe some of these practices, practices that help you connect with yourself, can play a helpful role in making a decision.
What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:
Mindfulness
Journaling
Making art
Listening to or playing music
Gathering around a meal with loved ones
Walking or other forms of exercise
Planting a garden
As you engage with practices that connect you to yourself, notice how you are feeling and what you want. If you experience barriers to connecting with yourself, what are they? How might you acknowledge them without judgment and remove them?
2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it
Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:
Panic
Fear
Self-doubt
Anxiety
Excitement
Dread
These emotions might impact our sleep. You might feel like you have a shorter fuse. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common. In fact, they are very normal. What’s important is that you learn to practice an acceptance of these feelings.
Often, when this flood of emotions comes, we feel a push and pull of excitement and dread. Ambivalence is like you are at a crossroads, and both paths have wildflowers and weeds. Ambivalence is often heightened when a decision you are making causes conflict.
If you are conflict-avoidant, the mere possibility of conflict may sway you towards a certain side of the decision. If the type of conflict the outcome of this decision might cause seems particularly stressful, the anticipation of these feelings is likely impacting your experience of making the decision.
What you can do:
In all of our decision-making processes, whether or not we acknowledge them, we experience certain feelings throughout. One way to ensure that we both honor our feelings and help them guide us healthily is through the acknowledgement and acceptance of these feelings. As you reflect honestly on what ambivalent emotions you may be feeling, pretend that each feeling is a signal. What might it be signaling you towards? For example, if one of the feelings that comes up is fear, specifically fear of a loved one’s response, the signal might be to create a plan for how to communicate either the fear or the decision outcome to that person.
3. Plan how you will share your decision within difficult relationships
You might dread telling people your decision, and creating conflict feels like the last thing you want to do. But here’s why it’s important and how you can do it.
Plan out how you are going to boundary your conversation. These boundaries involve time – how much time are you willing to have a conversation for? These boundaries also involve what you are going to communicate. How much information are you going to share? Do you want to let them into your decision-making process or simply tell them the outcome? You get to choose the medium of communication. In a professional relationship, does this require an email or a phone call? What about a more personal relationship? Do you want to communicate this in person or over FaceTime?
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Before the conversation, check in with your emotional readiness—are you regulated enough to hold your ground without engaging in old patterns?
Remind yourself how you arrived at this decision and the hard work you put into it. Tell yourself that you worked hard and can trust yourself.
Think about what you might need after the conversation. Do you need time to decompress? A walk? Support from someone else? Planning for post-conversation care can help you recover and reset.
It’s okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. If you’re feeling scared to share your decision with people you care about, you’re not alone. I help people just like you. We can help you learn how to navigate the intense emotions that come with decisions that cause conflict. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.
Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:
Why does my partner behave this way?
How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
Am I to blame for their addiction?
How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?
How Addiction Impacts Couples
The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.
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Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.
“I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
“He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”
These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.
Gambling Addiction
Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.
“We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
“He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”
These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.
Alcohol Addiction
Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.
“When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
“He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”
These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.
Addiction and Accommodation
In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.
For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.
For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.
For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.
How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?
According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.
In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.
For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.
Answering Key Questions
For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:
1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?
Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.
2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?
The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:
Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”
3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?
No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.
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4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?
Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:
Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.
Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.
Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.
Is couples therapy in Pasadena right for your relationship? We crawled though forums and reviews to give you the common issues that cause people to start couples therapy in Pasadena.
If you’re reading this, chances are your relationship feels like it’s hit a wall. Maybe you’re caught in a cycle of arguments that never resolve, or perhaps there’s a quiet distance growing between you and your partner that you can’t quite explain. You might feel overwhelmed, confused, or even a little ashamed for wondering if therapy could help. First, let me say this: you’re not alone in feeling this way. Relationships are messy, and right now, you’re probably wrestling with some big questions about what’s normal and whether seeking help is the right move.
Here’s what might be running through your mind:
Is my relationship really in trouble, or is this just a rough patch?
Are we the only couple struggling like this?
Will therapy actually fix anything, or is it just a waste of time?
What if my partner thinks therapy is ridiculous and won’t go?
How do I even find someone in Pasadena who can help us?
These doubts are totally valid. And they often come up because something in your relationship feels off—enough to make you wonder if couples therapy might be the answer.
Signs that point couples toward starting couples therapy
Endless arguments over little stuff, like who’s supposed to do the dishes.
A disconnect that’s left you feeling more like roommates than lovers.
Trust issues—maybe from infidelity or just a nagging sense of doubt.
Conversations that always end in frustration because you can’t get through to each other.
A drop-off in intimacy, leaving you lonely even when you’re together.
Big fights about money, kids, or the future that keep coming up unresolved.
If any of this hits home, take a deep breath. These struggles don’t mean your relationship is doomed—they mean you’re human. And here’s the thing: plenty of couples in Pasadena are dealing with the exact same stuff. You might look around at the happy faces at Old Town cafes or the Rose Bowl and think everyone else has it together, but that’s not the full story. Behind closed doors, many are quietly wondering, “Is it normal to need help?” Spoiler: yes, it absolutely is. Seeking therapy isn’t a red flag—it’s a sign you’re ready to fight for what matters. In a bustling place like Pasadena, where life’s pressures can amplify relationship stress, turning to a professional isn’t just common; it’s smart.
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We did the research: Here’s what Pasadena Couples are Saying
We searched forums and reviews that featured Pasadena couples looking for therapy. These are real reviews and comments on real experiences—not polished therapist websites. Then we grouped comments into categories so you can see the kinds of issues Pasadena couples are facing.
Here’s what each reason looks like, complete with a quote from a real person, an overview of the core issue, a daily example, and the core EFT skill that can help.
#1: Heated Arguments
Pasadena Couples on Heated Arguments:
“We can’t even discuss dinner plans without yelling. It’s exhausting.”
How do heated arguments impact couples?
When communication breaks down, small misunderstandings can snowball into major conflicts and heated arguments. Couples might feel like they’re speaking different languages, leaving them frustrated and disconnected. They might yell or have difficulty resolving an argument. For some couples, the same heated argument comes up over and over with no real resolution.
For example, one partner tries to plan a weekend getaway, suggesting a beach trip. The other, feeling ignored, snaps, “You never consider what I want!” Instead of resolving it, the discussion spirals into a shouting match about unrelated past issues.
What skill helps with heated arguments?
Couples with heated arguments need the safety to slow down and express the emotions beneath the surface—like feeling unappreciated or afraid of being dismissed. This shift is what EFT calls moving from “secondary affect” to “primary affect”. This shift helps them respond to each other’s deeper needs instead of just the words being thrown around, increasing connection and affection.
#2: Infidelity
Pasadena Couples on Infidelity:
“After they cheated, I want to move on, but I can’t stop doubting them.”
How does infidelity impact couples?
Trust is the bedrock of a relationship, and when it’s shattered—whether by infidelity or smaller betrayals—the emotional fallout can feel like an open wound. Couples in this situation on average spend up to 5 years (if without therapy) resolving the issue, if it doesn’t end the relationship.
One partner might compulsively check the other’s phone, haunted by the fear of being hurt again. Even a simple “I’ll be late from work” text can spark tension, suspicion, and a cold silence that lasts all night.
What skill helps couples repair from infidelity?
Therapy will help both partners learn to face the pain head-on. The one who broke trust learns to own the damage and offer consistent reassurance, while the hurt partner voices their need for safety. Together, they rebuild a secure attachment step by step. It involves the difficult but important work of expressing emotionally without suppressing, and taking responsibility without being overwhelmed by shame.
#3: Intimacy and Sex issues
Pasadena Couples on Intimacy and Sex:
“We haven’t touched each other in weeks. I don’t know how to bring it up.”
How do problems with intimacy and sex impact couples?
Intimacy goes beyond the physical—it’s about feeling truly connected. When that fades, couples can end up feeling like strangers, even when they’re side by side. This disconnection cascades into other areas of the couple’s lives, often spurring on heated arguments, resentment, and distance.
Couples who have problems with intimacy and sex can feel distant all the time. Evenings once spent cuddling now involve scrolling phones in silence or watching separate shows. Attempts at deeper talks fizzle out, leaving a quiet ache of loneliness.
What skill helps couples with intimacy and sex issues?
Within an EFT framework, couples work on naming and sharing their vulnerable feelings—like the longing to feel wanted or close again. By opening up, they start to mend the emotional distance and rediscover their bond. The issue isn’t usually with sex itself, but with obstacles to emotional closeness or safety that have built up over time, even from before the start of the relationship. Couples can learn the skill of making room to talk about their fears, insecurities, and even resentments. This can help couples move through these issues and create intimacy again.
#4: Life Transitions
Pasadena Couples on Life Transitions:
“Since we moved here for work, it’s like we’re strangers arguing all the time.”
How do life transitions impact couples in Pasadena?
Major life changes—whether it’s a new baby, a move, or a career shift—can throw a relationship off balance. Couples might struggle to adapt, feeling out of sync with each other.
For example, after having a baby, one partner feels swamped by diaper duty while the other feels pushed aside. What starts as a discussion about chores turns into a heated argument about who’s sacrificing more. The new change puts stress on the relationship, exposing cracks that usually remain suppressed.
What skill helps couples through life transitions?
In therapy couples learn to express how these changes stir up attachment fears—like feeling abandoned or overwhelmed. They learn to ask for support and offer comfort, keeping their connection strong through the storm. This skill makes the difference between being overwhelmed and disconnected, and being close and safe together.
#5: Addiction
Pasadena Couples on Addiction:
“I never thought my partner’s drinking would affect us this much. It’s like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, and I don’t know how to help anymore.”
How Addiction impacts Couples in Pasadena
Addiction—whether to substances, gambling, or behaviors—can devastate a relationship, creating a web of codependency, mistrust, and emotional pain. It’s a common reason couples seek help, as it erodes the foundation of their bond.
For example, one partner comes home late, again, smelling of alcohol. The other, exhausted and hurt, tries to confont them, but it ends in defensiveness and withdrawal. The cycle repeats, leaving both feeling trapped and helpless. Sometimes one partner will feel like it’s all up to them to help the other stop the addiction or get help, creating resentment and further issues.
What skill helps couples overcome addiction wounds?
In couples therapy, couples learn to explore the emotional triggers and unmet attachment needs driving the addiction. Therapy creates a safe space for both to express their pain and fears, helping them rebuild trust and address the root causes together. This core skill is the domino that helps couples create further change and address the addiction pattern long term. Our therapist, McKenzie Laird, works often with couples in this situation.
Quick Guide to Pasadena Couples Therapy Issues
Here’s a quick snapshot of these challenges in a table, summarizing the reasons couples in Pasadena are seeking therapy. These insights are generated from forums and reviews from couples in Pasadena:
Couples Issue
What it Looks Like
Quotes from Pasadena Couples
Heated Arguments
Arguments that spiral, feeling unheard, or talking past each other.
“We can’t even discuss dinner plans without yelling. It’s exhausting.”
Infidelity
Suspicion, betrayal, or a trust gap that won’t close.
“After they cheated, I want to move on, but I can’t stop doubting them.”
Intimacy and Sex Issues
Emotional or physical distance that leaves you disconnected.
“We haven’t touched each other in weeks. I don’t know how to bring it up.”
Life Transitions
Stress from kids, moves, or jobs throwing everything off balance.
“Since we moved here for work, it’s like we’re strangers arguing all the time.”
Addiction
Cycles of substance use or behaviors that erode trust and connection.
“I never thought my partner’s drinking would affect us this much. It’s like we’re constantly walking on eggshells.”
The Eaton Fire Has Stressed Relationships in Pasadena
Beyond these everyday struggles, external stressors can push relationships to their breaking point—or their turning point. The Eaton fire, a devastating wildfire that struck Pasadena in January 2025, is a prime example. With evacuations, destroyed homes, and a shaken community, this disaster added a layer of stress that many couples weren’t prepared for. While specific stories from the Eaton fire are still emerging, the general impact of such catastrophes on relationships is clear: they can put unwanted stress on a relationship.
The stress of fleeing your home, losing property, or simply living with the uncertainty of recovery can bring underlying issues to the surface. Couples might argue more over money as they face financial strain, feel disconnected while processing their own trauma, or struggle to support each other when they’re both barely holding on. It’s a pressure cooker that can amplify communication breakdowns, trust issues, or emotional distance.
Yet, catastrophes can also be transformative. When couples open themselves up to the moment—acknowledging the pain and leaning into each other—they can find a new perspective. The Eaton fire might have challenged your relationship, but it can also be a chance to change and build something stronger. In therapy, EFT helps couples turn toward each other, express their fears and needs, and find comfort in their partnership amid the chaos. It’s not about pretending the stress doesn’t exist—it’s about facing it together and letting it reshape your bond for the better.
How to Start Couples Therapy in Pasadena
Still on the fence? Let’s bust some myths. Therapy isn’t just for “failing” couples—it’s for anyone who wants to grow. Studies show it works: couples therapy can boost satisfaction and connection, often with lasting results (Lebow et al., 2020). It’s not a magic fix, but it’s a space to figure things out together. And in a city like Pasadena, where therapists are plenty and options range from affordable to specialized, help is closer than you think.
We have in-person sessions available for couples therapy in Pasadena. Click the links below to find a therapist and schedule a free consultation:
You’ve felt the sting of a conversation with your partner that went nowhere—or worse, turned into a full-blown argument. Maybe you’ve tried to express how you feel, only to be met with silence, defensiveness, or a complete misunderstanding. Perhaps you’ve found yourself lying awake at night, wondering why you and your partner can’t seem to connect the way you used to.
You’re not alone in struggling with communication
Communication struggles are one of the most common challenges couples face, and they can leave you feeling frustrated, unheard, and disconnected from the person you love most.
Deep down, you might wish for something different: a relationship where
you feel truly listened to
disagreements don’t spiral out of control
you can share your needs without fear of rejection or judgment
both partners are safe, supportive, and strong
Yet you’re wondering if couples therapy could be the key to getting there:
“Does couples therapy work?”
“How does couples therapy help communication?”
In this article, we’ll explore 5 research-backed ways couples therapy has been shown to improve communication, making it easier for you and your partner to connect. For each, I’ll break down what the studies say in simple terms, link to the sources so you can dig deeper if you’d like, and share a practical example of how these skills can change your day-to-day life. By the end, you’ll have a clear picture of how therapy works and whether it might be worth a try for your relationship. Let’s dive in.
5 Research-Backed ways Couples Therapy Improves Communication
1. Builds Specific Communication Skills
What the Research Says
Couples therapy often starts by teaching practical skills like active listening (fully focusing on your partner and reflecting what they say) and “I” statements (sharing feelings without blame). A study on Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy (TBCT) found that couples saw a 30% increase in active listening and a 25% decrease in misunderstandings after therapy, compared to before treatment. These changes were measured through observed interactions, showing real improvement in how couples communicate. Check the study here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.
How Communication Skills Help Day-to-Day
Imagine you’ve had a rough day and just want to vent. Before marriage counseling, your partner might have been distracted—half-listening while scrolling their phone. You’d feel dismissed, maybe even invisible, and that could spark frustration or a quiet resentment. But now, with active listening skills, they set the phone down, look you in the eye, and ask, “What happened today?” As you talk, they nod and say, “That sounds exhausting.”
Inside, you feel a wave of relief—your stress doesn’t feel so heavy when it’s shared. You’re not just heard; you feel understood, and that validation calms your nerves. For your partner, focusing on you brings a quiet pride—they see your tension ease and feel closer to you, like they’re part of your world again. It’s a small moment, but it builds a sense of safety, making you both more willing to open up next time, and reducing the chance you’ll experience a familiar conflict with each other.
Talk Better. Listen Deeper. Connect More.
Couples therapy helps you build stronger communication and a more connected relationship. Start working with a therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena today.
Therapy helps you dig past surface frustrations to express what’s really going on—like a need for closeness or fear of rejection. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) excels at this, and a meta-analysis showed it leads to a large improvement in relationship satisfaction, with a Hedge’s g coefficient of 2.09—a significant leap compared to couples who didn’t get marriage counseling. This means deeper emotional sharing makes a measurable difference. See more here: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review.
How Emotional Expression Helps Day-to-Day
Picture a night where you feel miles apart from your partner, even sitting on the same couch. Before couples therapy, you might have stewed in silence, feeling lonely but unsure how to say it. That distance could fester into bitterness. Now, with EFT skills, you take a breath and say, “I feel lonely when we don’t really talk.” Your partner pauses, then replies, “I’ve been caught up in my head. I miss us too.”
For you, putting that vulnerability out there feels risky, but when they respond with care, a knot in your chest loosens—you feel seen, and the loneliness ebbs. Your partner feels a pang of recognition, then warmth as they realize they can bridge that gap. It’s not just about fixing the moment; it’s a quiet intimacy that grows, pulling you closer and making the relationship feel alive again.
3. Reduces Negative Communication Patterns
What the Research Says
Therapy targets toxic habits like criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling that poison conversations. A study on TBCT and Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) found a 40% reduction in critical remarks and a 35% decrease in defensive responses post-therapy, compared to pre-therapy levels. These shifts were significant and lasted over time, showing therapy can break those cycles. Details here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.
How Reducing Negative Communication Patterns Helps Day-to-Day
Say money’s tight, and you’re upset your partner splurged on something. Pre-therapy, you might snap, “You’re so reckless!”—and they’d bristle, “I work hard too!”—leaving you both raw and distant. Now, you try, “I’m worried about our budget—can we talk about this?” They take a beat, then say, “I didn’t mean to stress you out. Let’s figure it out.”
You feel a surge of hope—your concern isn’t a weapon, and that eases your anxiety. Your partner feels relief too; without the attack, they can drop their guard and engage. The air clears faster, and instead of a fight, you’re allies again. That shift makes you both feel respected, like you’re on the same side, turning a potential blowout into a moment of teamwork.
4. Promotes Empathy and Understanding
What the Research Says
Empathy—truly getting your partner’s perspective—can change everything. Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) helps couples build this, and a study showed a 50% increase in empathetic responses and a 45% improvement in understanding each other’s viewpoints after therapy, compared to before. Couples themselves said this was a game-changer. Read more: Client Perceptions of the Most and Least Helpful Aspects of Couple Therapy.
How Empathy Helps Day-to-Day
Imagine clashing over how to handle a moody teenager. Before therapy, you’d argue—your strictness versus their leniency—feeling judged and alone. Now, you say, “I get why you want to give them space,” and they reply, “I see why you’re worried about this.”
For you, hearing their side softens your frustration—you feel less like you’re fighting a solo battle. Your partner feels a spark of gratitude; your effort to understand lifts their defensiveness. Together, you feel a quiet solidarity, like you’re partners navigating this mess, not rivals. That mutual support makes the load lighter and the relationship steadier, even when you don’t fully agree.
5. Improves Conflict Resolution Skills
What the Research Says
Therapy turns conflicts into solvable problems, not relationship threats. A study on TBCT and IBCT found couples improved problem-solving skills by 60% and reported a 55% increase in satisfaction with conflict resolution after therapy, compared to pre-therapy struggles. These gains held up over time, proving lasting change. See the research: Improving relationships: mechanisms of change in couple therapy.
How Conflict Resolution Helps Day-to-Day
Think about planning a weekend. You want a quiet getaway; they crave a social outing. Before therapy, it’d spiral—both digging in, feeling ignored. Now, you say, “I need some calm—how about you?” They answer, “I want to see friends. Maybe we split the days?”
You feel a rush of optimism—your needs aren’t lost, and compromise feels possible. They feel energized, knowing their voice matters too. Working it out together builds a quiet confidence: you’re a team, not opponents. That harmony lingers, making you both feel valued and secure, like no disagreement can shake what you’ve got.
So, Does Couples Therapy Really Work?
If you’re asking: “Does couples therapy improve communication skills?” Here are the 5 main, research-supported outcomes you can expect in couples therapy:
30% increase in specific communication skills
Significant increase in satisfaction with emotional expression
30% reduction in negative communication
50% increase in empathy
60% increase in conflict resolution
So yes—it can, and the numbers back it up. Studies show 30-60% improvements in key communication areas like listening, empathy, and conflict resolution, with significant changes pre- and post-therapy. But it’s not magic—you both have to commit. If you do, the reward is a relationship where you feel heard, understood, and closer than ever.
If you’re tired of the same old fights or silences, therapy might be your next step. It’s not just for “broken” couples—it’s for anyone wanting better. Could these changes matter to you? Reflect on it, talk to your partner, or explore the studies linked above. Your relationship might thank you.
Your Next Step
Take a second to reflect. Are there moments in your relationship where communication hits a wall? Could you use a little help turning those moments into opportunities to connect? If so, consider talking to one of our therapists.
When you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted deeply, everything you thought you knew about your relationship, and even yourself, can feel shattered. The pain isn’t something you just “get over.” It lingers in your body, in your thoughts, in your sleep. You may be asking: How long will it hurt like this?
What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?
If you’re wondering ‘how long to recover from infidelity’ or ‘what percentage of couples recover from infidelity,’ research shows timelines of 2-5 years, with couples therapy improving success rates to 57%.
Most people don’t realize it, but healing from infidelity typically takes anywhere from two to three years. And even then, the process isn’t linear. Some days feel manageable, others knock the wind out of you. The timeline depends on several factors: the type of betrayal, whether the partner takes responsibility, and whether there’s therapeutic support. We see couples who face infidelity often in our Pasadena Office, and we have experienced firsthand the couples who are able to recover and those who struggle with having the conversation. And we want to share with you our thoughts from our over 10 years of experience in Pasadena, as well as the outcomes of the research on this topic.
In this article, we’ll walk through what really happens after the discovery of an affair, why it hurts so much, what influences your healing pace, and how therapy can offer a path forward, whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Why Infidelity Hurts So Much (And Why It Feels Like Trauma)
When someone you trust betrays you, it doesn’t just “hurt.” It shatters something inside. Many people describe infidelity as a kind of emotional earthquake; the ground you stood on suddenly breaks apart, and you’re left wondering what was ever real.
It’s not just the cheating that hurts. It’s the lies. The rewriting of history. The erosion of safety. Infidelity, whether emotional, physical, or both, strikes at the foundation of your sense of self, your attachment, and your ability to trust again.
That’s why the pain lingers. That’s why your mind keeps replaying conversations or checking phone records. And that’s why, even if your partner says “I’m sorry,” your body might still feel frozen, triggered, or anxious.
You’re not being dramatic. You’re responding to trauma.
Infidelity Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?
Healing from infidelity is a deeply personal journey, but research provides some timelines to guide you. With couples therapy, recovery typically takes 2-3 years, offering a 57% success rate for staying together. Without therapy, it often stretches to 3-5 years or more, with only a 20% success rate. Below, we explore these paths to help you find clarity and hope.
Factors That Shape Your Healing Timeline
Healing after infidelity isn’t just about getting over what happened. It’s about processing it, emotionally, cognitively, somatically, and making meaning out of the chaos. Several things can shape how long that takes:
Was this a one-time betrayal or a repeated pattern?
A single disclosure is painful. But when the betrayal was hidden for years or happened again and again, the healing may need to go deeper.
Has the unfaithful partner taken real accountability?
Recovery begins when there’s truth-telling, not defensiveness. If your partner minimizes, blames you, or avoids questions, healing can stall.
Are you both getting support?
Individual or couples therapy can dramatically affect the pace and depth of healing. Doing this alone is not only exhausting — it can keep you stuck in cycles of blame and confusion.
Are you working through prior wounds too?
If you or your partner has unresolved trauma, attachment wounds, or trust issues from the past, the affair may reopen older pains and require a layered healing approach. There’s no “normal” response to betrayal. But the more resourced, supported, and emotionally honest the healing space is, the more room there is for actual repair.
Discovering infidelity is an emotional tsunami.
The pain is raw, the betrayal cuts deep, and you’re left reeling in a storm of emotions. You might feel anger burning through you, sadness weighing you down, or confusion clouding every choice. Questions swirl endlessly:
Why did this happen?
Can I ever trust again?
Is our relationship even worth saving?
How long will it take to heal from infidelity?
Countless couples have faced this heartbreak, and I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s hard. In my practice in Pasadena, CA, I’ve seen couples struggle with even coming in to couples therapy to address it in my office. One partner feels raw and exposed, and the other is terrified to hear just how angry the other is. It takes a lot of courage and care to come in and begin to talk about it.
Right now, you might wonder if your entire relationship was a lie. Maybe you blame yourself or search for signs you missed. The ache hits hard—every glance at your partner stings. Infidelity doesn’t just break trust; it shatters your security, your self-worth, and the story you built together. Sleep slips away, conversations turn explosive, and the future feels uncertain.
You ask, “How could they do this to me?” while your partner might grapple with guilt or shame, wondering, “Can I fix this? Will they let me try?”
What you need most is clarity, support, and hope that this pain won’t last forever. Healing is possible, but it’s personal—there’s no universal timeline. Some couples turn to couples therapy (also known as marriage counseling or couples counseling) as a lifeline through the chaos. Others rely on their own strength, choosing to go it alone.
Both paths can work, but they differ in pace, process, and outcomes. In this article, we’ll explore these two journeys—couples therapy and no therapy—offering a glimpse into the emotional landscape of rebuilding after betrayal, backed by research to guide you.
The Stages of Healing from Infidelity
Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It comes in waves, and it tends to follow a few emotional phases, especially if therapy is involved. These stages aren’t steps you tick off — they’re experiences that overlap, return, and reshape you.
1. Discovery & Shock (First few days to 3 months)
This is the moment everything changes. Whether it was a confession or a discovery, this stage is marked by emotional chaos — disbelief, numbness, panic, rage. Your nervous system may be in survival mode. It’s normal to feel disoriented, struggle to sleep, and question everything.
2. Grief & Search for Meaning (1 to 6 months)
You start asking: Why did this happen? Was it me? What does this mean about us? You may demand details, obsess over timelines, or compare yourself to the other person. It’s all part of trying to regain control. This stage can be intense and recurring, especially if there’s gaslighting, half-truths, or unclear communication.
3. Establishing Safety (3 to 9 months)
This is where boundaries are drawn. Maybe passwords are shared. Or contact with the affair partner ends. Maybe space is needed. Regardless, safety is emotional, not just logistical — it’s about rebuilding a sense of “I’m okay here.” For many, this phase marks a turning point toward stabilization, though it can take time.
4. Rebuilding or Releasing (6 months to 2+ years)
Some couples choose to stay and begin the work of rebuilding. Others realize that staying means betraying themselves. Both paths require courage. Both deserve support. This phase often includes deeper therapy, structured rebuilding, or navigating separation in a conscious, supported way.
5. Integration & Redefinition (1.5 to 5 years)
If you stay together, this is where a new relationship slowly forms. Not a return to the past — but something more honest, more awake. If you part, this is where healing becomes personal — reclaiming trust in yourself, your instincts, and love again. You might not feel fully “over it,” but you’ll notice that it no longer runs your life.
Couples Therapy After Infidelity vs. No Therapy
When infidelity strikes, you face a choice: seek couples therapy or navigate recovery solo. Both demand courage and time, but their success rates and experiences vary widely. Couples therapy often boosts recovery odds, with studies showing lower divorce rates and faster healing—thanks to professional guidance and structure. Going without therapy can work, but it’s tougher, longer, and less certain, with higher risks of divorce due to miscommunication and lack of support. Let’s dive into each path, imagining you and your partner trying to mend what’s broken.
The Couples Therapy Pathway: A Quicker way to Heal from Infidelity
Success Rate: 57% Timeline: 2-3 Years
Couples therapy provides a guided path—a space where a professional helps you rebuild step by step. Research shows it typically takes 2-3 years, often leading to stronger bonds and better outcomes.
1. Deciding to Seek Couples Therapy
The affair’s out, and you’re lost in shock. You book that first couples therapy session, nervous but hopeful. Walking in feels raw, but there’s a chance for clarity.
2. Early Sessions: A Safe Space for Raw Emotion
You sit apart, barely meeting eyes. The therapist draws out your pain—your hurt, your rage. Your partner shares their regret. It’s messy, but contained. You feel heard, even if trust is far off.
3. Unpacking the Affair: Facing the Why
Months pass, and you dig into the roots. Was it a gap between you—intimacy, attention—or their own struggles? It hurts to uncover this, but it’s a step toward prevention. You argue, you cry, but you move forward.
4. Rebuilding Trust: Small Steps, Big Effort
Trust builds slowly. Your partner shares openly—phone access, honest answers. You learn to voice your needs. Some days feel hopeful; others, doubt lingers. Progress shows.
5. Emotional Healing: Letting Go and Coming Closer
A year or two into couples therapy, the pain softens. You reconnect—tentative laughs, fragile intimacy. Setbacks hit, but therapy guides you through. Forgiveness or acceptance emerges.
6. Long-Term Growth: A New Chapter
After 2-3 years, you’re a team again. Your bond is deeper, communication stronger. It was hard, but worth it.
What the Research Says on Recovery with Couples Therapy:
43% Divorce Rate for Revealed Infidelity: Couples in couples therapy have a 57% chance of staying together (Marin et al., 2014).
33% Recovery Rate by Therapy’s End: One-third feel fully healed post-therapy (Atkins et al., 2005).
75% Success Rate with Gottman Method: This approach excels in early trials (Gottman & Silver, 2013).
Schedule a Couples Consult Call
Struggling with the uncertainty, the anger, and loss after infidelity? We help couples recover from ruptures like infidelity.
We’ll start by creating a clear understanding of the rupture in your relationship, and create a plan to address the situation and move toward healing.
It’s time for your relationship to heal. Reach out and schedule a consultation with one of our couples therapists in Pasadena this week:
The No-Therapy Pathway: Extending the timeline of healing infidelity
Success Rate: 20% Timeline: 3-5 Years or More
Choosing to heal without couples therapy relies on your resilience and resources. It can take 3-5 years or longer, with greater challenges and lower success rates due to the lack of expert support.
1. Deciding to Go It Alone
Couples therapy isn’t an option—cost or comfort—and you commit to fixing it yourselves. It’s just you two, facing the wreckage, hoping love holds.
2. Emotional Turmoil: No Filter, No Guide
Early on, it’s chaos. Anger flares, tears fall. Your partner explains, but it’s shouting or silence. Without a mediator, you’re stuck in loops.
3. Communication Struggles: Finding Words in the Dark
Talking is tough—questions feel like attacks. They defend, you withdraw. You want progress, but the path’s unclear.
4. Trial and Error: Piecing It Together
You try books or forums, set rules—no secrets, more check-ins. Sometimes it clicks; often, it fails. It’s draining, but you persist.
5. Slow Progress: Two Steps Forward, One Back
Years in, wounds scar. Trust grows through effort—small wins. Talking gets easier, but setbacks test you. It’s slow going.
6. Potential Outcomes: Healing or Breaking
After 3-5 years, you might stand stronger—or apart. Some heal; others falter. Resentment can linger without help.
What the Research Says about Recovery without Couples Therapy:
80% Divorce Rate for Secret Infidelity: Hidden affairs spike divorce odds (Marin et al., 2014).
Recovery Often Exceeds 2-3 Years: Solo healing stretches longer (Affair Recovery).
Comparison of Recovery Paths
Recovery Aspect
With Therapy
Without Therapy
Success Rate
57-75%
20%
Timeline
2-3 years
3-5+ years
Divorce Rate
43%
80% (secret affairs)
Quick facts on Healing From Infidelity
Couples Therapy Might Suit You If: You need structure or expert help to rebuild trust faster.
No Therapy Might Work If: You’re tough, talk well, and have support—but expect a longer road.
Couples therapy offers a 2-3-year shot at a stronger bond, with over half surviving. Solo healing might take 3-5 years, with more uncertainty but real potential. It’s messy, but doable. Grab what you need—a therapist, a friend, this article—and trust brighter days await.
What If the Affair Was Emotional, Not Physical?
Many people think infidelity has to involve sex to count. It doesn’t. Emotional affairs can be just as painful, sometimes even more.
Why? Because emotional betrayal often involves a deeper level of intimacy. Secrets. Vulnerability. Longing that should’ve been reserved for the partner.
If your partner was confiding in someone else, fantasizing about a life with them, or developing a connection that excluded you, it’s natural to feel betrayed, even if nothing “physical” happened. The pain is real. And it deserves space to be processed.
How Couples Therapy Works: Exploring Restoration Couples Therapy and the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern
If you’re considering couples therapy (or marriage counseling/couples counseling), understanding how it works can help you decide if it’s right for you. Below, we explore Restoration Couples Therapy, a specialized approach for infidelity recovery, and the pursue-withdraw pattern, a dynamic that therapy can address.
Restoration Couples Therapy: Rebuilding Through Empathy and Accountability
Restoration Couples Therapy is a tailored form of couples counseling designed to heal infidelity by focusing on identifying the couple’s pain cycle and creating a peace cycle. Here’s how it unfolds:
Creating a Safe Space: The therapist fosters a neutral environment where both partners can share openly—your pain, their guilt—without judgment.
Processing the Betrayal: Guided discussions help you explore the affair’s emotional impact. The betrayed partner voices hurt; the unfaithful partner learns its depth.
Accountability and Transparency: The unfaithful partner commits to honesty—answering questions, showing consistency—to rebuild trust.
Rebuilding Intimacy: Over time, the therapist introduces ways to restore connection, helping you rediscover closeness.
Long-Term Healing: Tools like better communication prevent future betrayals, strengthening your bond.
This approach excels in infidelity recovery by addressing trust and emotional safety directly.
Is Couples Therapy Right for You?
Whether you choose couples therapy, marriage counseling, or couples counseling, approaches like Restoration Couples Therapy offer a structured way to heal from infidelity in 2-3 years. Going it alone is possible but often takes 3-5 years with more risks. The decision is yours—healing is a journey, and whether with a therapist or on your own, brighter days are within reach.
Start Couples Therapy for Infidelity Today
Here Counseling provides couples therapy in Pasadena, CA for couples who have experienced infidelity, addiction, or separation.
Right now, you’re worried where your relationship is headed. You’re up at night, and your relationship is filled with both heated conflict and icy distance. As difficult as this is, you worry it could get worse. You wish you had help to move past this intolerable pain.
You can create good, honest dialogue in your relationship again. Our licensed and pre-licensed couples therapists have the experience and training to help you. We understand what it takes to heal and create a plan for success in your relationship. Reach out to us below.
Frequently Asked Questions about Recovering from Infidelity
How Long Does It Take to Heal from Infidelity with Couples Therapy?
Healing from infidelity with couples therapy typically takes 2-3 years, focusing on processing betrayal, rebuilding trust, and improving communication. Research like Marin et al. (2014) shows therapy accelerates recovery, with many couples emerging stronger.
What Is the Infidelity Recovery Timeline?
The infidelity recovery timeline spans 2-5 years: 2-3 years with therapy (stages like shock, grief, and rebuilding) versus 3-5+ years without. Factors include therapy involvement and partner commitment.
What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?
About 57% of couples recover from infidelity and stay together, per Marin et al. (2014), rising to 75% with methods like Gottman Therapy. Therapy boosts success, while secret affairs lead to 80% divorce rates.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity
In couples therapy after infidelity, expect sessions building safety, processing grief, and restoring trust over 6-12 months initially. Using EFT or Gottman methods, you’ll gain tools for empathy and preventing relapses.
Does Couples Therapy Work After Cheating?
Yes, couples therapy works after cheating, with 57-75% success rates in rebuilding relationships (Marin et al., 2014; Gottman). It addresses trauma and communication, far outperforming unassisted recovery (20% success).
How Long to Recover from Infidelity?
Recovery from infidelity takes 2-5 years: shorter (2-3 years) with therapy focusing on trust rebuilding, longer without. Success reaches 57%, influenced by disclosure and emotional work.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over Infidelity?
Getting over infidelity takes 2-5 years, with initial grief easing in 1-6 months and full healing in 1-3 years via therapy. Patience and commitment are key, per studies showing 57% recovery rates.
Citations
Marin, R. A., et al. (2014). Couple and Family Psychology, 3(1), 1-12. DOI:10.1037/cfp0000012
Atkins, D. C., et al. (2005). Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144-150. DOI:10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2013). What Makes Love Last?ISBN:9781451608489
Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.
Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.
In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.
At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.
Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.
Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness
Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.
Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment
Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.
Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma
Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.
How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships
Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:
Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.
It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth
The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.
2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability
Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.
3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships
Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.
4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling
Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.
5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself
Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.
The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
Every couple, no matter how strong their bond, will encounter stress at some point. It can be hard to know when to seek support, and even harder to take that first step. If you and your partner are struggling—whether it’s with constant disagreements, emotional distance, or a rupture that feels impossible to repair—you’re not alone in wondering,
“Do we need to go to couples therapy?”
and
“Does couples therapy actually work?”
In this article we’re going to answer these two essential questions about couples therapy. After reading, my hope is that you’re equipped to have a productive conversation with your partner about whether couples therapy is right for you. So first…
What Is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a guided process where partners work with a trained therapist to navigate relationship challenges. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where both people can express their feelings, gain clarity, and develop new ways of relating to one another. No two couples experience therapy the same way because no two relationships are the same. Here are some simple examples of how couples therapy can be different.
For some, couples therapy involves skill building and targeted issues
Some couples come in with what feels like a “check engine light” flashing in their relationship—they can sense that something is off, but they’re not sure what it is or how to fix it. Maybe small arguments are becoming more frequent, communication feels strained, or the connection that once felt effortless now feels harder to maintain. Therapy in this case can help identify the underlying issues and give couples the tools they need to reconnect before things escalate.
As a couple’s therapist, I’ve noticed that couples who seek therapy during periods of moderate stress often experience significant relief from the process. These sessions create a valuable opportunity to discuss essential topics like relationship priorities and communication boundaries. Engaging in therapy when stress is present but the relationship has a solid foundation can help prevent more severe or costly issues from developing in the future.
For others, couples therapy is an essential next step
Other couples enter therapy feeling like they’ve just been in a major car crash—something painful has happened that has shaken the very foundation of their relationship. This could be a betrayal, years of unspoken resentment, or a crisis that makes them question whether their relationship is even repairable. In these moments, therapy provides a structured space to process the hurt, understand each other’s pain, and determine the best path forward—whether that means healing together or finding a way to part with clarity and respect.
In my experience as a couples therapist, it often feels like years of accumulated baggage need to be addressed before real progress can be made. This can be discouraging for couples and may lead to a lack of motivation to engage in the therapeutic process or return to therapy. However, I have observed that the relief these couples experience when they begin to see progress in their relationship is significant. Although it can be challenging for couples to unlearn established patterns of behavior, creating new ways of relating in therapy can lead to a substantial increase in relationship satisfaction and a decrease in stress when facing daily challenges together.
Does Couples Therapy Really Work?
The idea of therapy can feel daunting, especially if you’re already feeling overwhelmed in your relationship. Maybe you’re wondering, Will this help us? Therapy isn’t a quick fix. However, it can be incredibly effective if both partners are willing to engage in the process. My role as a therapist is not to fix or save the relationship. Rather, it is to facilitate new opportunities for connection through insight and empathy.
The effectiveness of couples therapy depends on several factors, including the willingness of both partners to engage in the process, the skill of the therapist, and the approach used. Research shows that evidence-based approaches for couples help improve communication, rebuild trust, and deepen emotional connection. A skilled therapist will not take sides or assign blame. Instead, they will help you and your partner understand each other’s perspectives, break negative cycles, and create healthier patterns of interaction.
I use Restoration Therapy, a method created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave, to help people understand their relationship patterns. This approach focuses on identifying issues from childhood that affect current behaviors in relationships. By bringing awareness to these attachment wounds and teaching new self-regulation skills, we can foster positive changes in how you connect with your partner.
That being said, therapy doesn’t guarantee that every couple will stay together. Sometimes, the healthiest outcome is gaining clarity about what you both need, even if that means making the difficult decision to part ways. But whether therapy leads to reconciliation or a conscious uncoupling, the process can bring healing, understanding, and a stronger sense of self.
When does couples therapy NOT work?
Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are committed to healing and are willing to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship. It can be challenging for couples who struggle with ownership. While therapy can help partners learn to take ownership, progress may feel slow for both the clients and the therapist. This happens if one or both partners have difficulty acknowledging how their behaviors impact the other.
Finding success in therapy can be challenging when one partner is not fully invested in the process. This lack of investment can stem from various reasons, such as being preoccupied with work, feeling skeptical about therapy, or lacking hope in the relationship. In some cases, attending a session just to explore the connection with the therapist can be beneficial. However, there are times when a client’s motivation for therapy may inadvertently hinder progress which can confirm someone’s hesitation for therapy in general.
How do we know if it’s the right time to start couples therapy?
Starting your search for the right couple’s therapist is an important step, even if you feel hesitant about therapy. A quick 15-minute consultation with a skilled professional can help you determine if it’s the right time to begin.
Make sure to discuss your intentions with your partner openly. Emphasize the positive outcomes therapy can bring, such as better communication and a stronger connection, rather than just focusing on the problems that led you to consider therapy. This approach may encourage a more open and willing mindset for both of you.
Is Couples Therapy Right for You?
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, overwhelmed by conflict, or unsure of how to move forward together, therapy could be a helpful next step. There is no “right” or “wrong” reason to seek support. What matters is whether you and your partner are open to exploring your challenges with honesty and curiosity.
Relationships require care, just like anything else in life that we value. And just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With the right guidance, patience, and willingness to grow, healing is possible. No matter where you are in your journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
In the journey of a relationship, couples therapy can be a lighthouse, guiding partners back to calm waters. However, one of the most common concerns is whether this potentially life-changing investment is financially viable, specifically, whether insurance will cover some or all of the costs. Let’s explore the nuances of insurance coverage for couples therapy, how to make the most of your insurance plan, and why investing in couples therapy might just be worth every penny.
Understanding Insurance Coverage for Couples Therapy
Traditional Health Insurance: Couples therapy is often not covered by standard health insurance plans because “relationship issues” are not classified as a medical condition. Insurance typically covers treatments for diagnosed mental health disorders, not preventive or relational counseling unless there’s a specific diagnosis at play.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs): Some employers offer EAPs, which might include short-term counseling sessions, including couples therapy. This is often limited to a few sessions but can be a starting point for addressing relationship issues.
Medicare: Medicare Part B can cover family counseling, which includes couples therapy, but there are stipulations. The counseling must be provided by a behavioral health care provider, and one partner must have a qualifying mental health condition.
Affordable Care Act (ACA): While the ACA mandates mental health coverage as an essential benefit, couples therapy isn’t usually included unless tied to a mental health diagnosis.
In-Network vs. Out-of-Network:
In-Network: If your therapist is in-network, you’ll generally pay less out-of-pocket. Coverage might include copayments or coinsurance after meeting your deductible.
Out-of-Network with PPO Plans: Preferred Provider Organization (PPO) plans offer more flexibility. You can see therapists outside your insurance network but might pay more:
Out-of-Network Benefits: Check your policy for any coverage for out-of-network providers. You might be eligible for partial reimbursement if you submit claims yourself.
Superbills: Some therapists provide a “superbill” which you can submit to your insurer for reimbursement. This document outlines the services rendered, which can be used to claim part of your expenses.
Understanding Deductibles and Coinsurance:
Deductibles: This is the amount you pay out-of-pocket before your insurance begins to cover costs. If your plan has a $1,000 deductible, you’ll need to spend this amount before insurance kicks in.
Coinsurance: After your deductible, coinsurance is the percentage of costs you’re responsible for. For example, with 20% coinsurance, if a session costs $200, you’d pay $40, and insurance would cover $160.
How to find your insurance information
Review Your Policy: Your insurance policy’s documentation should outline what mental health services are covered, including therapy. Look for sections on mental health or behavioral services.
Contact Your Insurer: Direct questions to your insurance provider. Ask about:
Coverage for marriage or couples counseling specifically.
CPT codes related to therapy (e.g., 90847 for family psychotherapy).
Deductibles, copayments, coinsurance, and any session limits.
Therapist’s Role: Discuss coverage with your potential therapist. They might have insights or can help with billing or providing superbills for reimbursement.
The Cost of NOT Investing in Couples Therapy
When couples stand at the crossroads of deciding whether to invest in therapy, the financial aspect can feel like a heavy burden. The cost of sessions can loom large, especially when finances are already stretched thin between household expenses, children’s needs, or personal debts. It’s a moment of vulnerability where the fear of spending on something that might not yield immediate results can be paralyzing. Yet, this decision is not just about the immediate outlay; it’s about investing in the future of your relationship, your emotional health, and the well-being of your family.
Consider the cost of not investing in couples therapy. Without intervention, small issues can fester into significant conflicts, potentially leading to separation or divorce. The financial implications of divorce are enormous, not just in legal fees which can run into tens of thousands of dollars, but also in the indirect costs like splitting assets, alimony, child support, and the adjustment to single-income living. Beyond the financial aspect, the emotional toll on both partners and any children involved can be immeasurable, leading to years of therapy or other healing mechanisms that might have been mitigated or avoided with timely intervention.
Moreover, the absence of professional guidance might mean enduring a strained or unhappy relationship for years, which affects not only your mental health but also your productivity at work, physical health due to stress, and the overall quality of life. The cost of living with unresolved issues can manifest in numerous ways, from missed career opportunities due to personal turmoil to health care expenses from stress-related ailments. In this light, the cost of couples therapy might seem like a drop in the ocean compared to the potential long-term expenses of not addressing relationship issues. Here’s why investing in therapy could be one of the best financial decisions you make:
Relationship Longevity: Therapy can address issues before they lead to separation or divorce, which are far more costly both emotionally and financially.
Improved Communication: Learning to communicate effectively can save countless hours of conflict and misunderstanding in the future.
Mental Health Benefits: By resolving relationship stress, individual mental health can improve, potentially reducing other healthcare costs.
Preventive Care: Like any preventive health measure, investing in relationship health can prevent more severe issues down the line.
Quality of Life: A healthier relationship contributes to better overall life satisfaction, which is priceless.
Financial Considerations:
Sliding Scale Fees: Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on income, making therapy more accessible.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: While the upfront cost might seem high, think in terms of long-term savings from avoiding divorce, legal fees, or the cost of ongoing individual therapy due to unresolved relationship issues.
Insurance Utilization: Even partial coverage can significantly reduce the financial burden, making therapy more viable.
In conclusion, while couples therapy might not always be directly covered by insurance, understanding your policy, exploring all available benefits, and considering the long-term value can make this investment worthwhile. Remember, the goal isn’t just to save money but to enrich your life through a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, take the time to explore your insurance options thoroughly, and don’t hesitate to ask for help in navigating these waters. Your relationship’s health might just be the most significant investment you make.
Wrestling with the urge to please others can lead you to say yes when you often want to say no. Whether it’s a boss who overlooks your limits or a partner whose disappointment feels unbearable, many people feel pressured to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. This tendency is rooted in a desire for approval, fear of rejection, and conflict avoidance. While it may seem minor, people-pleasing can heighten anxiety, lead to burnout, and foster resentment in relationships.
As a therapist, I’ve seen how chronic people-pleasing can erode self-esteem, create burnout, and lead to resentment. The good news? You can break free from this cycle. Here’s a guide to understanding and overcoming people-pleasing, so you can reclaim your voice and live authentically.
People-Pleasing is a survival strategy
At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. It often stems from childhood experiences where approval and compliance were necessary for safety, love, or acceptance. You may have learned that in stressful situations, your family needed you to be the rescuer/caretaker of the family. Over time, this behavior can solidify into a belief that your worth is tied to how much you can give or how well you can meet others’ expectations.
You may have received recognition or continue to receive praise for your people-pleasing tendencies. You might be known in your community as “a selfless giver” or as the friend who is available “day and night.” While these qualities may appear admirable, they often come at the expense of your well-being, personal boundaries, and authentic self.
People-pleasing can cause a painful cycle of over-accommodating people you are in relationships with. This can lead to resentment toward your partner and an inability to state your needs in the relationship.
Signs of people-pleasing:
Difficulty saying no – You feel guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
Constantly seeking approval – Your self-worth depends on others’ validation.
Avoiding conflict at all costs – You prioritize peace over expressing your true feelings.
Overcommitting – You stretch yourself too thin to meet others’ needs.
Neglecting your needs – Your desires and well-being take a backseat.
The Cost of People-pleasing
While accommodating others may feel rewarding in the short term, the long-term impact can be detrimental. Chronic people-pleasing can lead to:
Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Suppressed anger or resentment
A weakened sense of self
Strained relationships due to unspoken needs and expectations
It is fascinating to me that the very thing we get external validation for is also the thing that leads to further hurt and strain in our relationships. In your need to accommodate other people’s needs and feelings, you end up missing one of the most powerful elements of relationships: reciprocity. Breaking free starts with recognizing these costs and making a conscious choice to prioritize your well-being.
Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Understand Your Triggers Reflect on situations that prompt people-pleasing. Is it fear of rejection? A need for control? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs Replace thoughts like “I must make everyone happy” with affirmations such as “My needs are valid, too.”
Practice Saying No Start small. Politely decline requests that overextend you. For example, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Set Clear Boundaries Identify your limits and communicate them assertively. Remember, boundaries are not about pushing others away but protecting your energy.
Embrace Discomfort Saying no or setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable initially. Lean into this discomfort as a sign of growth.
Reprioritize Yourself Regularly ask, “What do I need right now?” and honor the answer, even if it means disappointing others.
Seek Support Share your journey with trusted friends, a support group, or a therapist. External validation can reinforce your progress.
For Every Giver there is a Taker
A lot of people-pleasers experience a relationship in their childhood where they were asked to give up their needs in pursuit of meeting another person’s needs. This relationship creates an imbalance, leading you to suppress your needs because you believe they are burdensome to others.
In many relationships, especially those involving a people-pleaser, there can be an unhealthy dynamic where one party takes more than they give. Individuals who have unmet attachment needs might rely on others to fulfill them without recognizing the emotional labor or contributions of those they rely on. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where the people-pleaser feels compelled to constantly accommodate the other person’s desires, often at the expense of their own well-being.
This cycle becomes detrimental over time. The people-pleaser may feel overwhelmed and depleted, while the other individual remains unaware or indifferent to the imbalance. The people-pleaser must take a step back and evaluate this dynamic. Having an open and honest conversation about the relationship’s dynamics is vital. They should express their feelings and concerns, emphasizing the need for mutual recognition and support.
A helpful experiment to gauge the relationship’s strength is to begin asserting personal needs more clearly—especially by saying “no” when it’s necessary. Observing the response to this shift can provide insights into how the other person values the relationship. If they react positively and start to accommodate your needs as well, it might indicate a healthy foundation. Conversely, if they respond negatively or attempt to manipulate you back into your previous accommodating role, it can signal that the relationship may not be as balanced or sustainable as desired. Prioritizing one’s own needs is essential in any relationship, as it fosters mutual respect and emotional health for both individuals involved.
Strive for Reciprocal Relationships
One of the most beautiful aspects of relationships is reciprocity, where both partners are acknowledged for their needs. In a reciprocal relationship, each values the other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires, creating a balanced dynamic that fosters understanding and support. This mutual recognition not only strengthens the bond between partners but also enhances their ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Ultimately, reciprocity ensures that both individuals feel seen and appreciated, allowing the relationship to flourish in a nurturing environment.
Setting boundaries is another key aspect. Establishing limits on what one is willing to give can create space for both individuals to communicate their needs more effectively. It also fosters a healthier exchange of support and care.
These sorts of changes take time. Systems, habits, and relational patterns are hard to recorrect. If efforts to address the dynamic in your relationships don’t lead to any improvement, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship’s viability. Ending a relationship is never easy, but if it consistently undermines one’s self-worth and happiness, it might be the best course of action.
Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish; it’s about becoming self-aware and self-compassionate. As you practice prioritizing your needs, you’ll find that your relationships deepen and your sense of self strengthens. Over time, you’ll discover the freedom and joy of living authentically.
Your Worth is Measured by Reciprocity
Your worth is not measured by how much you do for others, it’s measured by your ability to honor yourself while building relationships rooted in mutual respect and reciprocity. Take small, consistent steps toward reclaiming your voice—you deserve it.
Are you feeling burnt out in your relationships, struggling with anger or resentment, or finding it hard to navigate strained connections due to people pleasing? Your needs are worth the time and space in therapy. Reach out now to schedule a call with me and start your journey toward healing.
Conflict can be overwhelming. Often the threat of hurting someone else’s feelings or finding ourselves in a heated argument cause us to avoid rather than addressing the person directly. This keeps us from talking about things that need attention with those we love or care about. That’s why many couples struggle with avoiding conflict. Our fear of how our concerns or request may come across or how our opinion might be received can keep us tucking away our feelings – until we find that we can no longer avoid the situation.
Avoiding conflict causes problems
Avoiding conflict causes us to react in the following ways:
being highly defensive or angry
say things we later wish we hadn’t
try to just avoid the person altogether
Yet, these reactions aren’t the only the way to resolve moments of stress in our relationships.
There is a way to face conflict with greater confidence. Being able to face conflict in a way that is expectant of a positive outcome for both people is a good indicator that you are approaching differences in a healthy way.
It can feel impossible to be able to find a way to be honest with others. Whether it be our boss, our spouse or a close friend. But there are some things that you can do to help yourself to be able to talk about concerns that may arise in a way that isn’t avoidant or overly demanding.
3 Ways to approach conflict
Using these three tips can help you to approach conflict with greater confidence for being able to address the concern in a way that is both caring and clear.
1. Consider the root of your fear
Maybe it was that your partner didn’t check in before booking the flight to Tahiti. It likely wasn’t the fact that they booked an amazing vacation for you both, but instead, the concerns that you had were more directly related to the fact that you felt overlooked or not important when they made a decision without your full input. Being able to notice and consider this for yourself can then help you to move through the conflict in a way that can help you in seek a resolution that helps meet the deeper concern you may have.
2. Take ownership for your own contribution to the conflict
It can be easy to see how the other person has wronged you or caused you to be seething with anger. But it is also important to allow yourself to recognize how your reaction may have to do with things that are greater than this moment. Maybe it’s a history within your relationship of giving more than you would like and now you are feeling overwhelmed that things feel imbalanced. It could be an even greater sense of your own difficulties in expressing your needs or wants in a way that your friend or colleague could truly know how to show up in a situation. Whatever the case, being able to take responsibility for how your own expectations or desires may contribute to the issues in the relationship.
3. Be clear without blaming others
Most conflict arises because one or both parties feel that they are being blamed unfairly. Or at least in a way that feels they aren’t able to find space to be able to be heard. It can be helpful to name your feelings and experience in a way that minimizes statements or words that place blame on yourself or the other person.
Stating the facts about a situation and how this impacted you can be a more clear and confident way to address conflict in a way that allows space to seek resolution.
Sharing your own emotional experience about how the situation has impacted you can keep things in a more neutral space for both parties. Shifting away from a more blaming statement like “you’ve been so busy that we never get time to hang out anymore” toward a more factual and neutral statement of “since your hours at work have increased, I have noticed myself feeling less connected without the more consistent time we had to spend time together.” This can allow space for each party to consider the situation and be able to come together to discuss a workable solution that could have in valuing each person’s experience in the matter, instead of avoiding conflict.
Seeking to overcome conflict is never easy but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming or impossible. If you notice that you are finding yourself feeling stuck or lacking the needed support to move through conflict at home or work, it may be helpful to seek out support in a safe and caring context. Therapy can be a helpful space to explore what is happening and seek to find new ways to address the concerns you are noticing. Conflict can be stressful but it can often deepen our own sense of self-awareness and if addressed well, can deepen the trust and value in relationships.
