COVID, Healthy Relationships

Therapy from Home: Managing an Argument as a Couple

Written by Connor McClenahan

For couples, quarantine can be anything but relaxing. The image of snuggling by a warm fire and completing crossword puzzles may be a reality for a small minority of couples, but for many of us it can be a pressure cooker.

The risk of COVID-19, fears or realities of economic distress, lack of normal coping patterns (such as other friendships, gym memberships, etc.), and increased time together can all place more strain on your closest relationships.

Getting through an argument together is fundamental to your sense of safety in crisis

Here’s why that’s so important: your closest relationship – your attachment relationship – is the largest resource you have for feeling safe in a chaotic world. When that relationship is off, so is your whole internal world. It’s hard to feel safe, to calm down, to plan, when we feel chaotic or disconnected from our closest and most trusted relationship.

So maybe you’re feeling that strain in your relationship right now, and it’s coming out as more frequent or more difficult arguments. You’re fighting more, things feel more on edge. You find each other unloading more emotion, then distancing and feeling cold.

Let’s walk through an argument in a good way that brings you closer together

Every argument is an opportunity to connect.

Why? Because anger, fear, sadness, these are attachment emotions. Beneath the argument is a hidden question:

  • “Do I matter?”
  • “Do you care about me?”
  • “Can you help me feel safe?”

At the end of a good argument, you’ll feel closer to answering these questions in a good way for each other. You’ll see your partner more clearly and find comfort in each other.

Now how to get there:

1. Follow along with this video

2. Sketch the healthy argument on a piece of paper

3. Talk together about where your argument derailed

4. Rehearse your argument using the healthy argument as a template

Here’s my notes from the video, outlining a healthy argument.

This way of co-regulating emotion together is adapted from Sue Johnson’s work with couples. Learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotional patterns

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COVID, Parenting

Therapy from Home: Talking to Your Kids about the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.

It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.

Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.

Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.

Don’t Say Nothing

Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.

Talk to them about:

  • What the coronavirus is
  • What symptoms may look like in a child
  • How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
  • Emphasize that your family will be ok
    • For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
    • For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
  • How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
  • Their feelings
  • Things they can do to help
  • For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child

Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.

For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.

Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.

Don’t Say Everything

While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.

One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.

Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.

What if I don’t know the answer?

It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.

Will you do me a favor?

Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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Anxiety, COVID

Therapy from Home: Managing a Panic Attack

Written by Connor McClenahan

Panic attacks can be scary. People experiencing panic attacks can often mistake it for a heart attack: pain or tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, and racing thoughts.

In this video, I’ll walk you step-by-step through a panic attack.

  1. Set a timer. Panic attacks often last between 15-60 minutes.
  2. Practice box breathing. I’ll walk you through how to breathe when you’re having a panic attack.
  3. Practice mindful sensory exercises. I’ll take you through sensory exercises which help put you back “in your body” and regulate anxiety.
  4. Reflect and learn from your experience. I’ll walk you through how to learn from the panic attack so you are less likely to have a panic attack in the future

Help during social distancing and quarantine

This video is part of a series – Therapy from Home – a resource we hope you use to help you get access to mental health during the quarantine. In this time of isolation and fear, we want to make sure you can get the help you need, even without scheduling an appointment. Please check back in to our COVID-19 resource page for more videos like this to help you address emotional and relational difficulties from your home.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD
Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

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COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Your Brain on COVID-19

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling unsure of how to respond in times like these can lead to panicky decisions while we seek control in an out of control world. In this blog, I respond to a CNBC article about the panic-shopping and panic-investing we are witnessing. I’ll go over the processes underlying our behavior and how you can help yourself cope.

Hoarding Hoardes

In this article published by CNBC, the author discusses how panic leads to problematic decisions like hoarding and divesting from the stock market. The author found out that the panic sweeping the nation in grocery stores and the stock market is a result of human behavior during panic. In times of panic, we seek to preserve ourselves by hoarding necessities and pulling our cash out of investments. If the behavior seems primitive, it’s because it is. We are using a brain that dates back about 150,000 years and trying to use it to cope and decide about markets that are only about 100 years old and a society that is less than 250 years old. It is worsened by the fact that fear can be contagious, so if you see someone piling up canned goods, it sends off fear signals in your brain that you may be the one without if you don’t act quickly. According to the article, it is best to sit down and take stock of your emotions and separate from your decision-making by talking to experts, such as a financial planner. They may be able to provide rationality or have experience in sharp economic downturns. 

It’s All Normal to Feel

You’ve probably felt your heart start racing or palms sweating as you started to look for your car keys and reusable grocery bags in a last ditch effort to get what you can at the grocery. Maybe you’ve thought of cashing out of the stock market or pulling cash out of the bank. It’s all normal to feel but the big problem is thinking we’ve made the best decision when to pull out cash or hoard toilet paper.

As the article mentions, our brains are an old system that dates back about 150,000 years ago. If you can imagine a primitive human staring in awe, mouth agape, at a TV displaying cable news of the COVID-19 crisis (let’s assume the human speaks English), it is easy to also imagine that person frantically grabbing at necessities, pushing people over to get to them, and grunting to intimidate others. Fear is contagious and no one wants to be the one without enough supplies if circumstances become so dire.

When we acknowledge that we have the same brain, the panicky response of the masses seems more understandable.

Most people pulling money out of the bank or stock market are focusing on preserving what they have. This emotional reaction has the power to override an established financial plan and cause people to “get out.” Imagine our friend, the primitive human, with a pile of resources, seeing the panic on TV, and attempting to protect his pile – not too different from us, again.

Stockpiling is a legitimate coping response that will probably result in reducing your stress but only if done responsibly.

Ineffective Coping Makes Things Worse

Buying enough canned goods for a couple of weeks of self-quarantine is realistic, but racking up a credit card bill you cannot afford for food and toilet paper you cannot store is a poor choice that will lead to more stress and worry. Standing in line for hours at Costco talking to other people who are reacting to panic is likely increase your stress, too. Also, hoarding means there will be less for others, especially the vulnerable that aren’t able to travel to the store or afford to buy in large quantities.

6 Things You Can Do to Cope

  1. Talk to others. Take time to talk to others via FaceTime and gain other perspectives and socialize without leaving your house.
  2. Turn off news notifications on your phone. You have plenty of other things you can do on there. Play a game or do something more active, such as drawing or journaling.
  3. Limit watching the news on TV. Maybe you only watch the evening local news broadcast and leave it at that. Instead, watch movies or play video games.
  4. Visit the grocery at off-peak times. If you must go, go when fewer people will be there to reduce your panicky feelings. Go with a list and only buy what you need. Essentials will remain available, even in a major shutdown (i.e.: Spain)
  5. Talk to a therapist. You knew I would suggest it, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed we are here. I can’t make it all go away or run your errands but I can help you gain perspective and work on symptom management in the meantime.
  6. Explore your state’s COVID-19 website. For example, California (where I practice) has a website that helps folks understand how the government is responding and protecting your future. For those worried about their finances, the site includes details about paid leave and short-term disability options that can help calm financial worries.
Put simply, do not stimulate yourself with stressful images and words. It is one thing to be informed, it is another to be overwhelmed and inundated in a way our 150,000 year-old brains aren’t great at handling.

When to Seek Professional Help

Give the tips above a try and if you’re noticing yourself struggling to cope effectively it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. Connecting with another person that is nonjudgmental is an opportunity to reflect and honestly analyze your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Protecting the future for you and yours is a common reason people invest, so times like this feel existential. It’s important to check with your financial advisor about how to best stick to your plan or hire a financial planner to help develop a plan that includes contingencies for times like these. Writing down the things you are anxious about and seeing if there is a simple solution is useful step to take.

Matthew Russell, PsyD
Matthew Russell, PsyD
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Anxiety, COVID

Dealing with Anxiety in the Age of the Coronavirus

Written by Here Counseling

With the coronavirus on everyone’s minds, social media pages, and news channels, it’s a scary world out there.

“Should I buy more toilet paper?”

“Is this runny nose a symptom?”

“What if my kids’ school closes?”

“How will I pay my bills if I can’t work or run out of sick days?”

Many of us are feeling anxious and unclear about what the coronavirus may mean for our health, our loved ones, and our finances.  Some are taking to stocking up on paper goods, while others post silly memes to mock them in an attempt to bring some balance.  Plenty are avoiding the news all-together.

Though having anxiety about the coronavirus does not necessarily mean having an anxiety disorder, we can use some of the same lessons we learn from managing anxiety to manage our corona-stress.

Neither panic nor avoidance will make your stress go away.

When we avoid something stressful, it never really goes away, it simply gets pushed down.  Then, when we are most tired, irritable, or even hungry, it pops back up as anger, panic, stomach pain, sleep problems, etc.  Panic and avoidance are actually two sides of the same coin.

Your anxiety is there for a reason

Your body and brain were made to help you avoid bad things happening!  If you see a wild bear coming toward you, and your brain and body do not become afraid or anxious, you don’t run away in time!  Anxiety is meant to help you see possible threats in order to do something about them.

So what should I do about it?

As difficult as it may be, we all have to stay aware of what is going on in our communities.  That doesn’t mean reading every story about it online or following how they handle it in Italy – this means knowing what is happening in your community now, and any CDC recommendations or governmental regulations for your area.  Get educated about how the virus works, from reputable specialists.  Start with the CDC Website and start one article at a time, making sure to take breaks in between if you start to feel overwhelmed.  It can be tempting when we start to read every article and go down every rabbit hole, but try to limit yourself to just what you need to know to be safe.

Ok, I’m educated and prepared – what now?

It is in times when we do not know the outcome, and in which the things we care about feel at risk, that we must turn toward our values and our loved ones.  Pick one of these things you can do today:

  • Spend time with your family
  • Call an elderly family member
  • Play a game with your kids
  • Pray, meditate, or engage in another spiritual
    practice, if that is comfortable for you
  • Be a little kinder to your neighbor
  • Do the things that make you feel like your best
    self

If you find that your stress is overwhelming you, reach out for support to a loved one or consider talking to a therapist.  We’re all in this together – let this be a time where we lean into what matters.

Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD

I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.

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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions

Protecting Your Mental Health During the Coronavirus Era with the Help of Telehealth

Written by Here Counseling

Experiencing feelings of isolation, panicking about the scarcity of resources, and fearing for one’s health can be overwhelming during this time of uncertainty. Due to the threat of Coronavirus, we are being forced to alter the way we interact with colleagues, friends, and family, shifting our work and social schedules. Meetings and gatherings have been postponed or outright canceled. Many people are spending much more time in their own homes. This leaves a gap. We are, at our core, inherently social, and loneliness can be as overwhelming as any other trauma.

We need connection, and we can feel when it’s missing.

Working from home is fast becoming a best practice for minimizing the potential spread of COVID-19 within the workplace. However, such a drastic change to your daily routine, coupled with the constant news cycle updates, can put a strain on your mental health.

Rather than waiting to see a therapist “until things calm down,” it is worth exploring an emerging alternative to coming into a therapist’s office – Telehealth.

Teletherapy helps you maintain mental health

For years, telehealth (or teletherapy) has improved access to care for clients with mobility challenges and for those who live too far to travel to their preferred therapist. Now, teletherapy is becoming increasingly relevant as the number of remote workers, or people working from home, is surging.

Teletherapy reduces travel time to and from your therapist’s office, which makes it more convenient for the working professional. It also offers the benefit of being in a comfortable and familiar environment, which can often be helpful for self-expression and reflection. 

HIPAA Compliant Teletherapy Offers Security

Some are reluctant to try teletherapy because they feel that something would be missing from a face to face interaction. With a clear camera and high quality internet connection, we find that, in practice, clients get just as much out of remote therapy as in-person. Others may be concerned about privacy. If this is a concern, make sure your therapist is using a HIPAA Compliant service, like Spruce Health or SimplePractice, that offers a secure connection. This way your data is protected. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by COVID-19, give me a call. I am a psychologist, and I can help you learn coping skills that will give you peace of mind during this challenging time. I also offer teletherapy sessions using a HIPAA compliant system.

Crystal Clements, PhD
Crystal Clements, PhD

I help people overcome depression and anxiety and experience empowerment in their daily lives.

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