Your most common couple fight is likely causing you weekly or even daily stress. Arguing with your partner can feel repetitive… and they are. Every couple has a consistent pattern to their arguments. When you can understand your pattern, you’re well on your way to creating a new one. This post will help you understand your pattern – called a “pain cycle”: a way you relate to your partner that is unique to your experience.
What is the pattern behind your arguments?
Humans are very patterned creatures. A lot of the ways you interact with people are due to the thousands of interactions you have had before. As neuropsychiatrist, Dan Siegel says, “Neurons that fire together wire together”. Our brains create well-worn patterns whenever we argue with our partners. Our brain creates patterns when fighting with our partner, recalling feelings we have felt since early childhood. When these feelings trigger us, we tend to react in ways that can be harmful to us and our partners.
The Pain Cycle – understanding your pattern as a couple
The Pain Cycle is a therapeutic technique created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave as part of Restoration Therapy. This approach is based on the belief that the foundation of relationships is rooted in our trustworthiness and identity as human beings. At various points in our lives, our trust or sense of identity may have been harmed by others, affecting how we connect with those around us. As a result, we may react in ways that are not ideal when interacting with our loved ones.
Feelings are central to every argument
Reflect on a recent argument or a painful interaction you had with someone that tends to resurface in your mind. Consider how that experience made you feel, aiming to dig deeper than just the surface emotions. Try to explore deeper than the five core emotions—fear, sadness, anger, happiness, and disgust—and see what feelings might have been underneath the surface. Did you experience any of the following emotions?
Unworthy
Unloved
Unsafe
Alone
These feelings are believed to be at the core of the deep wounds we experienced in childhood. Take a moment to reflect on when you first felt these emotions. As a child, how did these feelings affect your actions?
This reflection leads us to our next section, where we will discuss coping strategies.
Understand your coping in an argument with your partner
Our coping behaviors are direct responses to our core feelings of pain. We can develop effective coping strategies, but we may also resort to reactive coping mechanisms that no longer benefit us. In this exercise, we will focus on the latter as it relates to understanding your pain cycle. Here are some common coping behaviors that people exhibit when they experience painful feelings:
Withdraw: do you tend to leave abruptly or “zone out” when you experience a painful feeling?
Pursue/Blame: Do you blame yourself for blame someone else when you are feeling hurt?
Numb: Do you use or abuse substances, devices, or people to experience a quick burst of positive feelings whenever you are experiencing feelings of pain?
Distract: Do you deflect your feelings elsewhere or try to change the subject so that it is less uncomfortable for you? Do you draw your attention elsewhere when someone says something that hurts you?
How does your partner respond in the argument
How do others respond when you are acting out your coping mechanisms? Many people do not realize that these behaviors are connected to their pain cycle. One thing that is universally true in my work with couples and individuals is that everything you do is relational. Your coping behaviors will affect your partners and friends. How do they typically respond to your coping? If you withdraw, do they simply move on with their lives, or do they try to pursue you to find out what’s wrong? If you blame others, do they hide or shrink away from you, prompting you to chase after them for reassurance?
One step you can take to improve arguments with your partner
Take some time to draw out your own personal pain cycle. Addressing these questions can help you break the cycle of pain you may be experiencing. It’s important to understand that our feelings, coping behaviors, and the responses we receive from others can lead us back to how we initially felt. This repetitive cycle is often why it seems like nothing is going well in your life or relationships.
To interrupt this cycle, you first need to acknowledge its existence. By naming your pain and recognizing the emotions that follow, you can learn to stop the pattern and develop healthier coping strategies. This is just one step in Restoration Therapy. If you’re intrigued and would like to explore this further for yourself or with your partner, call me today to schedule an appointment.
All of us have behaviors that we unconsciously act out when we are worried. For example, if you are concerned about the state of affairs in the world, you might reach for a snack, which results in a distraction from your anxiety. Sometimes, our unconscious behaviors actually double our worry, like when we are concerned about getting a task completed so we fidget with our hands and ruminate over it, going over all the possible things that could go wrong, which results in us feeling more scared and stressed. But your body can actually help alleviate anxiety!
The behaviors attached to anxiety start out as comforting because they give us the sense that we are DOING SOMETHING with our worry, rather than just wallowing in it. These behaviors are also easier to recognize than underlying stressors because they show up in our body. We can use behaviors as signals for our deeper feelings, and work backwards from them to understand and lessen anxiety.
Noticing and changing the behaviors associated with anxiety is a somatic intervention that can unwind the coping methods that we have developed, which no loner serve us. Here are three steps you can take to understand how anxiety shows up in your body, unhook from old habits, and create new patterns that lessen your activation.
1. Notice your body’s actions
If you’re anxious, make a mental note of your body’s actions. Observe your heart racing, the tightness in your throat, your impulse to clean, or play with your hair. Name the action.
2. Notice the emotion attached to the somatic action
Look underneath the action for the hidden emotion. For example, while you tap your pen repeatedly on the desk, see if you can locate the feeling connected with that movement, like fear, overwhelm, or self doubt. Hold that feeling with compassion. Name the emotion.
3. Do something else with your body
Without judgement, get present with the action and emotion. Drop into the moment and breathe. Then, put your body into a different position. You can yawn, stretch, clasp your hands together, walk, jump, dance. Simply doing a different action can reorganize the anxious energy and direct you to a more secure place. Visualize the anxiety shifting as your body shifts.
Remember, your body is yours! If you want to move it, you can. Sometimes, emotions feel like they have taken over but your body is capable of redirecting emotions to feel less powerful. Your body is an amazing organic machine. Let it do what it is meant to do, move!
It’s post-election holiday season which means family gatherings have a special glow this year. Possibly the glow of rage and disappointment, or the glow of triumph and excitement. Either way, family members intermingling with contrasting glows can feel like potential for a major clash. Here are some pointers based on psychological theories about how to navigate spending time with family members with differing points of view, without giving up your agency.
Engagement vs Cutting Off
There has been a lot of talk about this year’s holiday season being, if any, the one where it’s OK to disconnect from family who did not vote to your liking. Family Systems Theory states that establishing clear and consistent boundaries are important in any healthy family. However, it also says that a emotionally strong boundary enables a person to maintain engagement in a way that feels safe. But how do we do that when strong emotions are at play so soon after a divisive presidential election? Here are some tips.
It’s okay to not like what loved ones do & say
We all have friends and loved ones that make choices we find questionable. Even people we feel politically aligned with can act in ways that hurt or offend us. You can love someone even if you don’t like their behaviors and choices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the theory that we can separate negative behavior from a person’s core identity and still maintain positive feelings towards them. With this in mind during the post-election holidays, remind yourself that it is not one or two choices that make up a whole person. There are aspects of almost every human we can find something to appreciate, at the very least our common humanity.
Showing up during the holidays means something
Never underestimate the power of being in the room. There are times to talk and there are times to be present, and being present says a lot! The Psychoanalytic Theory of Object Relations posits that it is possible for people to experience conflicting emotions towards a situation without dismissing or denying the experience that does not match their own. If you are having a hard time post-election, show up with your vulnerability. If you are hopeful post-election, show up with your eagerness. Don’t wield you truth, rather hold it with compassion and honesty. If two people in the same family come together with their real sadness and hope, comfort can be found by holding that both experiences are possible without cancelling each other out.
Focus on the long view
While it may feel difficult right now to imagine being comfortable sitting with family members who have differing political points of view, Narrative Therapy asks you to consider taking a broad perspective, or counter-narrative, that emphasizes strength in shared experiences. The discomfort you feel may be more tolerable when you imagine re-writing the story of this year’s holiday dinner as a testament to your strength and resistance to dominant narratives. Remind yourself of your collective history as a family and your ability to create change.
Let’s talk more about preparing emotionally for the holidays. Contact Arianne for a counseling session.
People pleasing can feel like a constant emotional tug-of-war. It’s exhausting always putting others’ needs before your own, afraid that addressing your needs will lead to conflict or disappointment. You might agree to help out even when you’re already overwhelmed, or go out of your way to make others comfortable, only to be left feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs. People-pleasing therapy can help you break these cycles by uncovering roots and teaching self-prioritization.
In this blog, we’ll explore why we fall into people pleasing patterns, the psychological roots behind it, and practical steps you can take to break free and finally prioritize yourself through people-pleasing therapy.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People pleasing is the habit of putting others’ needs above your own, often to gain approval, avoid conflict, or ensure others are comfortable. It may seem like a kind and generous behavior, but it can come at a cost. Over time, constantly sacrificing your own needs can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and a loss of your own sense of self. People-pleasing therapy focuses on recognizing this pattern to reclaim balance.
While it’s natural to want to be kind and helpful, people pleasing becomes problematic when you find yourself consistently neglecting your own needs. You might notice yourself feeling anxious about disappointing others to the point that you ignore what’s right for you.
The Psychological Roots of People-Pleasing
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
At its core, people pleasing is often about wanting to feel accepted by others and avoiding the discomfort of rejection. Many people pleasers fear that if they don’t concede to the needs and desires of others, they will be rejected or abandoned. This fear can stem from early experiences where love or approval was conditional on being “good” or helpful. People-pleasing therapy helps unpack this fear, rebuilding a sense of unconditional self-worth.
People-Pleasing as Pathological Accommodation
A more deeply rooted form of people pleasing is known as pathological accommodation. This term refers to a pattern of chronically putting others’ needs above your own, even when it causes you significant harm. Pathological accommodation often develops in childhood, particularly in environments where you felt the need to prioritize others’ emotions to maintain a sense of safety or stability. For example, if you grew up in a household where your caregiver’s needs always came first, you may have learned that accommodating others was necessary for your well-being. Over time, this pattern becomes ingrained, making it difficult to recognize or express your own needs. In order to maintain your own sense of security, you have become skilled at recognizing the needs of others and meeting them, but it has led disregarding your own needs. People-pleasing therapy addresses pathological accommodation by exploring childhood dynamics and fostering self-advocacy.
Avoiding Conflict
People pleasers often have a deep desire to avoid conflict. The thought of setting a boundary can feel terrifying, as if it might lead to confrontation or anger. This fear of conflict can lead to accommodating to the needs of others even when it’s detrimental to your well-being. People-pleasing therapy teaches conflict navigation skills to replace avoidance with confident expression.
People-Pleasing to Earn Acceptance
For many, people pleasing is tied to low self-worth. You might feel that you need to earn love and acceptance by being useful, agreeable, or accommodating. This can lead to a constant need to prove your value through your actions, rather than believing that you are inherently worthy of love and respect. You make sure that your actions align with the needs and desires of those around you, making you feel accepted and worthy of relationship. But there’s something about this behavior that just isn’t quite sitting right with you. You know there’s got to be more to life than constantly adapting to what others want. People-pleasing therapy rebuilds self-worth, helping you internalize acceptance without earning it.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
People pleasing might seem harmless at first, but over time, it can have a significant negative impact on your life. People-pleasing therapy can help reverse these effects by promoting self-care. Here are some of the common consequences:
People-Pleasing Cost
Description
Emotional Exhaustion
Constantly prioritizing others leaves little energy for yourself. You may feel drained and burnt out from always meeting others’ needs.
Loss of Self
When you spend so much time focusing on others, you can lose touch with your own needs, desires, and identity. It becomes difficult to know what you truly want or need.
Resentment
Even though you’re trying to keep others happy, people pleasing can lead to resentment. When you feel neglected, you may start to feel bitter toward the very people you’re trying to please.
Strained Relationships
Ironically, people pleasing can harm relationships. When you aren’t honest about your needs, you create an imbalance that can lead to misunderstandings and unmet expectations.
How to Finally Stop People-Pleasing
Recognize the Pattern
The first step to breaking free from people pleasing is to recognize when you’re doing it. Identify the times you feel compelled to appease others even though it doesn’t feel quite right. Pay attention to the situations that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies and reflect on why you feel the need to accommodate others. People-pleasing therapy provides tools to spot these patterns early, preventing escalation.
Set Boundaries
Instead of “Just Saying No”, Acknowledge Your Tendencies
Instead of jumping to just solely saying “no” to others – give space to acknowledge the fearful part of you that wants to people please. Telling yourself to set boundaries by “saying no” is helpful sometimes, but only addresses the surface issue. Instead learn to soothe yourself. When you find yourself in a conflict and you feel fearful of tension, tell yourself:
“I’m okay, I’m loved, and I can survive conflicts.”
This will help you let go of the need to accommodate everyone. Sometimes you might still say “no” to others, but sometimes you might find a more organic and wholistic way of navigating your needs. Instead remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being without constant approval from others. People-pleasing therapy teaches boundary-setting as a skill, integrating self-soothing for lasting change.
Practice Self-Compassion
Challenge Beliefs: People pleasing is often rooted in deeply held beliefs, such as “If I say no, they won’t like me” or “My worth is based on how much I do for others.” Take some time to reflect on any underlying beliefs connected to your experience of people pleasing. Challenge these beliefs by questioning their validity. Remind yourself that your worth is not dependent on constantly pleasing others and that addressing your needs doesn’t make you a bad person.
Reconnect with Your Needs: People pleasing often leads to losing sight of your own needs. Take time to reconnect with yourself. Ask yourself: What do I need? What makes me happy? What do I want out of life? Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you explore your needs and desires in a safe space. People-pleasing therapy emphasizes self-compassion exercises to rebuild this connection.
Seek People-Pleasing Therapy Support
It is challenging to break this habit, especially if it’s deeply ingrained. People-pleasing therapy can be an invaluable tool in helping you understand the roots of your people-pleasing behavior and develop healthier patterns. A therapist can help you work through fears of rejection, build self-worth, and learn to set and maintain boundaries.
Conclusion
People pleasing may seem like a way to keep others happy, but it often comes at the cost of your own well-being. Understanding the psychological roots, including the role of pathological accommodation, can help you recognize why you might engage in these behaviors. By challenging your beliefs, reconnecting with your own needs, you can start to break free from this cycle and build healthier, more balanced relationships. Remember, your worth is not defined by how much you do for others – you deserve to take up space, set boundaries, and prioritize your own well-being. People-pleasing therapy offers the support to make this shift lasting.
People-pleasing therapy is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and break patterns of prioritizing others’ needs over their own, often rooted in fear of rejection or low self-worth, to foster self-acceptance and healthy boundaries.
How does therapy help with people-pleasing?
Therapy for people-pleasing explores root causes like pathological accommodation and teaches self-compassion, boundary-setting, and direct communication to reduce exhaustion and resentment in relationships.
Is therapy effective for people-pleasing?
Yes, people-pleasing therapy is effective by addressing underlying fears and building self-worth, leading to reduced anxiety, better relationships, and a stronger sense of self through practical tools and insight.
What causes people-pleasing?
People-pleasing often stems from childhood experiences of conditional love or fear of rejection; therapy helps unpack these roots to replace accommodation with self-prioritization.
How to stop people-pleasing?
Stop people-pleasing by recognizing patterns, setting boundaries with self-soothing affirmations, and seeking therapy to challenge beliefs and reconnect with your needs for balanced living.
Signs of people-pleasing?
Signs include constant emotional exhaustion, loss of self-identity, resentment toward others, and strained relationships; people-pleasing therapy can help identify and address these for recovery.
People-pleasing and low self-worth?
People-pleasing is linked to low self-worth, where acceptance feels earned through accommodation; therapy rebuilds inherent value to end this cycle and promote authentic interactions.
Pathological accommodation in people-pleasing?
Pathological accommodation is chronic self-sacrifice from childhood, harming well-being; people-pleasing therapy targets this by fostering security and self-advocacy skills.
People-pleasing and conflict avoidance?
People-pleasing avoids conflict by conceding, but builds resentment; therapy teaches boundary-setting to handle disagreements healthily without fear.
Benefits of people-pleasing therapy?
People-pleasing therapy reduces exhaustion and resentment, restores self-identity, improves relationships, and enhances overall well-being through self-compassion and boundary skills.
Conflict can be overwhelming. Often the threat of hurting someone else’s feelings or finding ourselves in a heated argument cause us to avoid rather than addressing the person directly. This keeps us from talking about things that need attention with those we love or care about. That’s why many couples struggle with avoiding conflict. Our fear of how our concerns or request may come across or how our opinion might be received can keep us tucking away our feelings – until we find that we can no longer avoid the situation.
Avoiding conflict causes problems
Avoiding conflict causes us to react in the following ways:
being highly defensive or angry
say things we later wish we hadn’t
try to just avoid the person altogether
Yet, these reactions aren’t the only the way to resolve moments of stress in our relationships.
There is a way to face conflict with greater confidence. Being able to face conflict in a way that is expectant of a positive outcome for both people is a good indicator that you are approaching differences in a healthy way.
It can feel impossible to be able to find a way to be honest with others. Whether it be our boss, our spouse or a close friend. But there are some things that you can do to help yourself to be able to talk about concerns that may arise in a way that isn’t avoidant or overly demanding.
3 Ways to approach conflict
Using these three tips can help you to approach conflict with greater confidence for being able to address the concern in a way that is both caring and clear.
1. Consider the root of your fear
Maybe it was that your partner didn’t check in before booking the flight to Tahiti. It likely wasn’t the fact that they booked an amazing vacation for you both, but instead, the concerns that you had were more directly related to the fact that you felt overlooked or not important when they made a decision without your full input. Being able to notice and consider this for yourself can then help you to move through the conflict in a way that can help you in seek a resolution that helps meet the deeper concern you may have.
2. Take ownership for your own contribution to the conflict
It can be easy to see how the other person has wronged you or caused you to be seething with anger. But it is also important to allow yourself to recognize how your reaction may have to do with things that are greater than this moment. Maybe it’s a history within your relationship of giving more than you would like and now you are feeling overwhelmed that things feel imbalanced. It could be an even greater sense of your own difficulties in expressing your needs or wants in a way that your friend or colleague could truly know how to show up in a situation. Whatever the case, being able to take responsibility for how your own expectations or desires may contribute to the issues in the relationship.
3. Be clear without blaming others
Most conflict arises because one or both parties feel that they are being blamed unfairly. Or at least in a way that feels they aren’t able to find space to be able to be heard. It can be helpful to name your feelings and experience in a way that minimizes statements or words that place blame on yourself or the other person.
Stating the facts about a situation and how this impacted you can be a more clear and confident way to address conflict in a way that allows space to seek resolution.
Sharing your own emotional experience about how the situation has impacted you can keep things in a more neutral space for both parties. Shifting away from a more blaming statement like “you’ve been so busy that we never get time to hang out anymore” toward a more factual and neutral statement of “since your hours at work have increased, I have noticed myself feeling less connected without the more consistent time we had to spend time together.” This can allow space for each party to consider the situation and be able to come together to discuss a workable solution that could have in valuing each person’s experience in the matter, instead of avoiding conflict.
Seeking to overcome conflict is never easy but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming or impossible. If you notice that you are finding yourself feeling stuck or lacking the needed support to move through conflict at home or work, it may be helpful to seek out support in a safe and caring context. Therapy can be a helpful space to explore what is happening and seek to find new ways to address the concerns you are noticing. Conflict can be stressful but it can often deepen our own sense of self-awareness and if addressed well, can deepen the trust and value in relationships.
Trust is the foundation of all relationships. When partners trust each other, it builds safety in the relationship. Safety allows partners to express their emotions freely and allows each partner to know that they are not alone. When trust issues after betrayal arise, they affect intimacy and closeness.
Trust issues after betrayal can stem from past experiences with previous relationships, attachment styles developed in childhood, and communication issues from one or both partners. After exploring how trust issues after betrayal could show up in your relationships, we will discuss some ways you can rebuild trust with partner.
Past Betrayal Erodes Trust in Couples
Our painful past experiences in relationships can affect our current trust in the person with which we now find ourselves in a relationship. Take, for example, infidelity in the relationship. If you have been a victim of infidelity, it can be extremely difficult to turn off the “infidelity radar.” You may feel as though you are constantly on the verge of catching your new partner cheating.
Our brains hold onto harmful experiences as a means of self-preservation. Our body remembers experiences–especially painful ones–and sets up safety measures to keep things secure and prevent future hurt. While our brain can protect us from people with red flags, it can also foster a fear of rejection, making it difficult to be vulnerable and connect in a new relationship. In trying to protect us, our brain can sometimes create the very cycle we fear the most in our relationships, one that starts exciting but is superficial, and ultimately lonely. Rebuilding trust with partner after such betrayal requires addressing these protective mechanisms.
Trust and Your Attachment Style
Our childhood impacts the way we show up in our current relationships. How we relate to others in relationship is often referred to as an attachment style. There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious/avoidant). In a relationship, both partner’s attachment styles affect the other. Knowing your attachment style can help you understand how you relate to others in relationship, especially when dealing with trust issues after betrayal.
Attachment Styles
Attachment Style
Description
Secure attachment
If you have a secure attachment, you find a lot of safety in comfort in your relationships. You seek out help and share feelings with those you have a close bond with. We all can securely relate to our partners. However, we also -even those who are securely attached- can relate insecurely with our partners in moments of stress.
Anxious attachment
Most people with an anxious attachment relate to others with a fear of abandonment from those close to them. With an anxious attachment, you might feel the need to get assurance from them regularly that you are safe in the relationship. It can be hard for you to trust that you will not be rejected by them.
Avoidant attachment
It can be hard for a person with an avoidant attachment style to trust in the intimacy and closeness of others. Naturally, people with this type of attachment may distance themselves when someone draws near to them. It is not uncommon for an anxious person to find and relate to someone who has an avoidant attachment. This creates a cycle of pursuing and avoiding that can feel stressful for both partners and affect their trust.
Anxious/avoidant (Disorganized)
People with anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment can have multiple, usually inconsistent patterns of attaining love from others. People with this type of attachment are usually craving intimacy. Interestingly, they can be fearful of rejection, but also fearful of closeness at the same time.
Understanding your partner’s attachment style will lead to greater communication about how each person can have their attachment needs met. Curious exploration of a partner’s attachment style can help prevent miscommunication and frustration between partners, especially when rebuilding trust with partner after betrayal.
5 Signs of Trust Issues After Betrayal
At this time, If you are still unsure about whether you or your partner have trust issues after betrayal, here are some examples of how trust issues show up in the relationship:
Trust Issue
Description
Constant need for reassurance
Feeling the need to constantly seek reassurance from your partner about their feelings or intentions.
Possessiveness and jealousy
Feeling excessively possessive of your partner or experiencing intense jealousy.
Difficulty forgiving
Holding grudges and finding it difficult to forgive your partner for past mistakes.
Secrecy and lack of transparency
Keeping secrets from your partner or feeling hesitant to share personal information.
Constant monitoring
Feeling the need to constantly monitor your partner’s whereabouts or activities.
How to Rebuild Trust with Partner After Betrayal
One of the most powerful techniques to rebuild trust with partner after betrayal is to practice emotional honesty. Nevertheless, honest communication about your feelings can feel uncomfortable at first, almost like you are swimming upstream or opening up your heart for attack. This practice, however, in a safe emotional space with our partners, can lead to a boost in empathy and connection.
3 Benefits of Rebuilding Trust with Partner
Working to rebuild trust with partner after betrayal brings lasting rewards. Here are three key benefits:
Restored Safety: Honest sharing rebuilds emotional security, reducing fear and fostering vulnerability.
Deeper Connection: Addressing trust issues after betrayal strengthens intimacy through mutual understanding.
Greater Resilience: Overcoming betrayal equips couples for future challenges, promoting growth and stability.
Step-by-Step: Practices to Rebuild Trust with Partner
To start rebuilding:
Acknowledge Hurt: Openly discuss betrayal impacts without blame—name emotions to validate experiences.
Commit to Transparency: Share daily thoughts and actions honestly to counter secrecy from trust issues after betrayal.
Seek Support: Engage therapy for guided tools, rebuilding trust with partner through structured empathy exercises.
Trust issues after betrayal don’t define your relationship—intentional steps can rebuild trust with partner for deeper bonds. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support couples through this with tailored tools.
Ready to heal? Contact Here Counseling today—stronger connections await.
Trust issues after betrayal include constant reassurance needs, jealousy, difficulty forgiving, secrecy, and monitoring; they stem from pain disrupting relational safety.
How to rebuild trust with partner?
Rebuild trust with partner by practicing emotional honesty, acknowledging hurt, committing to transparency, and seeking therapy for guided empathy and growth.
Signs of trust issues in relationships?
Signs include possessiveness, grudges, lack of transparency, and constant monitoring; addressing them early prevents deeper disconnection after betrayal.
How to overcome trust issues after betrayal?
Overcome trust issues after betrayal through open communication, understanding attachment styles, and professional support to restore safety and intimacy.
Can trust be rebuilt after betrayal?
Yes, trust can be rebuilt after betrayal with consistent honesty, empathy, and time; couples often emerge stronger through intentional healing efforts.
What causes trust issues in relationships?
Trust issues arise from past betrayal, insecure attachment styles, or communication gaps; early experiences shape fears of abandonment or rejection.
How long to rebuild trust after betrayal?
Rebuilding trust after betrayal varies but often takes months to years with consistent effort; patience and therapy accelerate the process.
Therapy for trust issues after betrayal?
Therapy for trust issues after betrayal focuses on attachment exploration, emotional honesty, and rebuilding safety through guided exercises.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity?
Rebuilding trust after infidelity involves transparency, forgiveness work, and therapy to address pain and prevent future breaches.
Partner trust issues?
Partner trust issues manifest as jealousy or withdrawal; rebuild by validating feelings and committing to consistent, honest actions together.
Procrastinating leaves you feeling frustrated, guilty, and stuck, especially when it becomes a pattern in your life. We all procrastinate sometimes, whether it’s putting off an important task, delaying a difficult conversation, or avoiding a responsibility we find overwhelming. But why do we put things off, even when we know it’s not helping us in the long run?
This blogs will explore the root causes of procrastination and offer practical tips to help you break free from the cycle and move forward with confidence.
Why Am I Always Procrastinating?
Fear of Failure & Procrastinating
Fear is often at the core of procrastination. When we fear that we won’t succeed, that our efforts won’t be good enough, or that we might face judgment, it becomes easier to delay taking action. Procrastination becomes a way of avoiding the discomfort of potential failure. By not starting, we can avoid the risk of failing – but this comes at the cost of progress and fulfillment.
It’s Not Laziness!
Many people believe that procrastination is a sign of laziness. Maybe you’ve even called yourself lazy when you’ve found yourself procrastinating. The trust is, this behavior often stems from perfectionism. When we set unrealistically high standards for ourselves, it can feel overwhelming to begin a task we don’t think we can do perfectly. This pressure can lead to avoidance, since sometimes starting imperfectly feels like we are already headed for failure.
Emotional Avoidance & Procrastinating
Procrastination can also be a coping mechanism for avoiding uncomfortable emotions. How is the task making you feel? If it’s causing you to feel anxious, uncertain, or vulnerable, putting it off can provide temporary relief from these emotions. Unfortunately, this relief is short-lived, and the emotional burden of procrastination just builds over time.
Lack of Motivation
Sometimes, procrastination happens simply because we lack interest or motivation. This is particularly common when the task feels meaningless or disconnected from our values or goals. Without a clear sense of purpose, it can be difficult to find the drive to get started.
Fear of Success & Procrastinating
It may sound counterintuitive, but some people procrastinate because they fear success. Success can bring new responsibilities, changes, and expectations. If you’re not sure you’re ready for what success might bring, it can be easier to avoid trying in the first place.
The Emotional Impact of Procrastinating
Procrastination doesn’t just affect your productivity – it can also have a significant impact on your mental health. Procrastination often leads to feelings of guilt, frustration, and stress. You may feel overwhelmed by the tasks that are piling up, and the more you put off doing them, the more daunting they seem. This emotional toll can create a vicious cycle that makes it even harder to start.
How to Stop Procrastinating
Break Tasks into Smaller Steps
Large tasks can feel overwhelming, which makes it easy to keep putting them off. Breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps can make them feel less intimidating and help you build momentum. Focus on taking one small step at a time, rather than worrying about the entire project.
Set Realistic Goals to Stop Procrastinating
Unrealistic goals can lead to feelings of inadequacy and procrastination. Set achievable, realistic goals that allow you to make progress without feeling overwhelmed. Celebrate each small achievement along the way to keep yourself motivated.
Address Underlying Emotions
If emotional avoidance is contributing to your procrastination, it’s important to address the feelings that are holding you back. Practice self-reflection to understand what emotions you’re avoiding and why. Journaling or talking with a therapist can help you process these emotions and develop healthier coping strategies.
Five-Minute Rule
The “Five-Minute Rule” is a helpful technique for getting started. Commit to working on a task for just five minutes. Often, the hardest part is starting, and once you’ve begun, you’ll find it easier to keep going. Even if you stop after five minutes, you’ve still made progress.
Challenge Perfectionism
Remind yourself that done is better than perfect. Perfectionism can prevent you from taking action, but progress doesn’t require perfection. Embrace the idea that it’s okay to make mistakes or produce something that isn’t flawless. Taking imperfect action is still moving forward.
Conclusion
Procrastination is often a coping mechanism for avoiding uncomfortable emotions, fears, or overwhelming expectations. By understanding the root causes of procrastination, you can start to break free from the cycle and take meaningful steps forward. Remember, progress doesn’t require perfection -it simply requires action. Take it one step at a time, and be kind to yourself along the way. With patience and persistence, you can overcome procrastination and move toward a more fulfilling, productive life.
If procrastination is holding you back and you’re struggling to overcome it on your own, I can help. Therapy can provide the tools and support you need to address the underlying causes of procrastination and build healthier habits. Reach out today to start your journey toward lasting change.
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a mental disability that is very common and has become increasingly treated and less taboo in recent years. It can impact both children and adults, interfering with development or functioning. ADHD symptoms often begin in childhood and can persist into adulthood. Struggling with ADHD with little support or treatment can contribute to negative impacts, including difficulties at school or work, strained friendships and relationships, mood swings, and low self-esteem. This blog will briefly walk you through common symptoms of ADHD, treatment options, as well as the value of psychological assessment in understanding a potential ADHD diagnosis.
ADHD symptoms generally include 3 main categories: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
Inattention:
These symptoms include difficulty paying attention, staying on task, and being organized. Inattention may result in overlooking or missing details school, work, or other activities, which can lead to careless mistakes. Sustained attention can also be challenging at school and/or work. It can also result in starting tasks but having difficulty staying focused, thus, becoming sidetracked and not finishing the task. It may be difficult to follow instructions in order to finish a task or assignment. Keeping track of physical belongings, managing time, and meeting deadlines can also be challenging. Daily activities may often be forgotten, including chores, running errands, and keeping appointments. Inattentive symptoms can also result in being easily distracted by unrelated thoughts or outside stimuli.
Hyperactivity:
These symptoms include being extremely restless, excessive fidgeting or tapping, constantly moving (particularly in situations where that may not be appropriate), and talking too much. Hyperactivity can result in squirming and fidgeting while seated, or even leaving one’s seat in a situation during which staying seated is expected. Younger children may run around or climb things at inappropriate times. There may be a need to constantly be in motion. Playing with quiet hobbies can be challenging.
Impulsivity:
These symptoms include acting without thinking, interrupting others, and having difficulty with self-control. These symptoms may be related to a need for immediate gratification or inability to consider long-term consequences and the potential benefits of delayed gratification. It can result in answering questions before they are fully asked, speaking at inappropriate times in a conversation, and finishing other people’s sentences. Waiting can be particularly challenging, whether that’s in conversation or in a particular activity.
Some individuals with ADHD have predominantly inattentive symptoms. Others experience mostly hyperactive and impulsive symptoms. There are also some individuals who experience both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms.
ADHD Treatment Options
Although there is no “cure” for ADHD, there are treatments that can help reduce symptoms and improve functioning. Medication and psychotherapy are treatment options that are very accessible to help address and manage ADHD symptoms. Education and training for parents can also be extremely helpful.
If a psychiatrist or a qualified primary care physician determines that you meet the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis, they may prescribe medication. Medication can help in reducing symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity. It can also help with increasing attention, resulting in improved ability to focus, work, and learn.
Psychiatrists prescribe several types of medication to address ADHD. It can take some time to find the right medication and right dosage. Everyone is unique and what works for the person next to you might not actually work for you. This is why it is extremely important to work ongoingly with you psychiatrist.
Doctors use two types of medication to manage ADHD: stimulants and non-stimulants
The most commonly used type medication for ADHD is stimulants. They work by increasing the levels of brain chemicals that are key in thinking and attention. Nonstimulants typically take longer to work within the body but do help with focus, attention, and impulsivity.
Other ADHD treatment options outside of medication:
Therapy can also be extremely valuable and important in the process of learning to manage ADHD symptoms. To effectively manage a child’s symptoms and enhance functioning in children and teens, parents must actively participate. Therapy provides a space for those with ADHD to learn the skills and tools needed in order to organize, manage, and complete tasks. It can also provide a space to help understand the feelings and thoughts behind impulsive symptoms and to learn how to adjust one’s behaviors. Becoming more aware of one’s thoughts and feelings can also improve focus and sustaining concentration. In therapy, individuals can learn interpersonal and social skills, which helps reduce symptoms associated with hyperactivity and impulsivity.
Parental involvement in a child’s therapy is also extremely important. It gives parents a chance to resolve their feelings associated with their child’s symptoms. It also gives the therapist a chance to educate the parents/family on the impacts of ADHD, and the tools the child needs. Additionally, It provides an opportunity for parents and family members to learn new ways to engage with the ADHD symptoms and behaviors in order to improve quality of life for everyone involved and being impacted by the symptoms.
What is an ADHD assessment and why might it be helpful?
A psychological assessment is a structured way of assessing an individual’s ongoing symptoms and the severity of those ongoing symptoms. It can provide an individual with much greater understanding of their experiences, which can provide significant relief. An ADHD assessment specifically can illuminate specific strengths and growth areas that an individual with ADHD has. Psychologists can use this information to inform the therapeutic process.
Additionally, ADHD assessments open up the possibility of receiving school and work-related accommodations. For children, it may qualify them for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). IEPs address specific student needs that can provide them a better chance of succeeding. For young adults and adults, a psychological assessment may qualify them for academic accommodations. For example, students can get extended time on exams or preferential seating in a classroom. Additionally, for those in the work force, it may allow for extra time on certain tasks and duties. These accommodations may be necessary for a person to succeed in school and work settings. Accommodations are also a great option for those who may feel hesitant about considering medication.
ADHD is a common disability and there are resources in place to help manage its associated symptoms.
It may feel uncomfortable to acknowledge the symptoms you are experiencing. However, there are options that can help significantly reduce the negative impacts of ADHD symptoms. ADHD is a manageable diagnosis. Through the use of medication, therapy, and/or ADHD assessment, you can live a more rewarding life.
If you or your child are curious about seeking therapy or assessment for ADHD, please reach out. Together we can find a way to move forward so that you (and your child) can live a thriving, full life despite this diagnosis.
To find more basic information on ADHD, please feel free to use the following resources:
Should I stay in my relationship? This question often haunts us when we’re feeling unclear about how well a relationship is serving our needs. Making a difficult choice can be an uncomfortable experience. We lose sleep, consult others incessantly, and list endless pros and cons to arrive at the right decision. We stress, realizing that we bear the responsibility for our choice. Even more, we feel guilt and shame for feeling unclear of our intentions towards someone or something else, and the impact our paralysis has on others.
What you’re feeling is ambivalence: Two conflicting feelings that creates an uncomfortable tension, like a tug-o-war. Oftentimes, ambivalence visits us in our relationships or in making a big decision.
When we have good reason to both stay and to go, how do we get out of ambivalence and choose?
4 Reasons We Struggle to Choose Whether to Stay in Your Relationship
1. Wondering to Stay in Your Relationship or Go Is A Valid Response to Having Multiple Needs In Conflict.
When a decision feels like choosing between two equally important needs, its normal to feel stuck and unable to decide. For example, we may feel dissatisfied with a job offering us no room to advance, and yet feel secure receiving the consistent paycheck each month this same job offers. The need for growth and security may feel equally important, and therefore we’re ambivalent about our job; one need is met by staying, while the other could be met by leaving.
2. I’m Not Ready to Make a Change, Just Yet
Sometimes, we can acknowledge a desire, such as experiencing a committed romantic relationship. However, expressing this desire isn’t yet worth to us the disruption to our current relationship, where the desire for commitment isn’t mutual. As a result, we experience ambivalence within the relationship. We feel ambivalent about our circumstances until the motivation to change them outweighs our desire to stay the same. Check and see if you ask yourself the following questions:
Are there downsides to making this change?
Are there things I like about staying the same?
If so, there may be not enough to sway you at this time to make a choice. We often experience ambivalence as a result.
3. I Don’t Believe Change is Possible
Sometimes, we don’t really believe we can have what we want, so we prevent ourselves from taking action in the direction of our truest desire. It can be difficult to make a choice if our desire is strong, yet we just can’t choose it out of fear. Fear of the unknown, of failure, of loss. Check and see if you ask yourself the following questions:
Is it difficult to prioritize this change due to time, money, or resources?
Am I hesitant because I’ve tried this change in the past and it was unsuccessful?
4. Ambivalence Is Modeled in Early Attachment
Our connection with our earliest caregivers has a large impact on how ambivalence shows up in our relationships later in life. Adult attachment is often related to the emotional closeness and consistency experienced in our younger years with a caregiver.
How to Make a Choice When You’re Ambivalent to stay in your relationship
1. Accept That All Change is Grief.
Making choices is hard, because with every decision something is gained, while at the same time, something is lost. If we leave our current job, we lose our current job. When we consider the fact that there’s no other outcome than to risk losing something we have for hopes of something better, change can elicit real feelings of sadness and disappointment in the outcome we’d hoped for but didn’t get. The change, even if a positive one, comes with grief – despite all the ways staying the same can also cause us distress. Likewise, you may conclude that you’re committed to keeping the job you have, despite its challenges. While staying may be the right decision for you, there’s real grief from allowing other opportunities to pass as you invest in the one you’ve chosen.
2. Clarify Your Values to Make a Choice
When our needs compete, we can use our own values as a framework to help make a choice. Reflect on who you wish to become. Does the person you’re becoming value growth? Authenticity? Integrity? Loyalty? And, if you were to really sit with it, how would you prioritize your values? For instance, clarifying that you value authenticity over loyalty, even just slightly, creates a pathway toward resolving ambivalence; Your values act as a compass guiding you in the direction that’s closest to who you want to be. This way, even our most ambivalent relationships and circumstances can be reorganized to align with the life that feels congruent within us.
3. Normalize Ambivalence as a Part of Making Big Changes.
Although it may feel confusing and wrong, ambivalence is a normal experience we have when we’re deciding whether to undergo a significant change. The next time you feel the inner tension between staying or going, take comfort in knowing there’s a part of you trying bring all of your needs to your attention. When we accept our ambivalence, we can get curious about the information it has to tell us about our needs, values, and desires.
4. Choose Your Pain.
“We must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” – Jim Rohn
Entrepreneur Jim Rohn knowingly said that we “must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” While we don’t always get to choose whether or not we’ll experience pain, there’s often a choice in what type of pain we endure. For instance, we can choose the pain and consequences of leaving, staying, accepting, declining, avoiding, isolating, acquiescing, delaying, or changing. But the consequences and pain associated with making any decision is part of being human, and is here to stay. The good news? We can grow the capacity to tolerate and move through the pains associated with decision making.
5. Recognize That Ambivalence Is A Choice.
Despite feeling paralyzed and stuck, we can choose to remain in or resolve our ambivalence. Consequently, remaining ambivalent is a choice to stay in something that Northhampton Couple’s therapy calls too good to leave, but too bad to stay in relationship. When we live too long in ambivalence, it can cause problems in our lives, such as eroding the trust in our relationships.
6. Make a Choice to Reach Out
Ambivalence doesn’t need to define your relationships or decisions. Seek out guidance to help you align life’s inevitable decisions with you’re personal values. I help others identify and resolve their emotional ambivalence so they can lead lives of greater freedom and safety.
It’s heartbreaking when you can’t reach your partner on an emotional level. You want to help your husband overcome emotional avoidance, but you feel loneliness and confusion, watching them shut down during important conversations or avoid talking about their feelings. You might find yourself feeling helpless, wondering why they seem distant.
For him, the experience may be just as confusing and overwhelming. He might feel a tight knot of anxiety in his chest at the mere thought of discussing his emotions. Avoiding these conversations feels like a way to stay safe, protect himself, or maintain peace. Yet, deep down, he may feel trapped between the fear of vulnerability and the desire to connect with you. This emotional avoidance can end up with both of you feeling disconnected and frustrated.
Encouraging your husband to address his emotional avoidance and consider therapy can help break down these walls. This blog explores why emotional avoidance happens and offers practical steps to encourage emotional openness in your relationship.
Understanding Why Your Husband Uses Emotional Avoidance
What Does Avoidance Look Like in Men?
Emotional avoidance occurs when someone actively tries to avoid feeling or discussing difficult emotions. This can be a way of coping with uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, or vulnerability. For some, it might mean avoiding conversations that could lead to conflict, while for others, it might mean shutting down emotionally during tense moments.
Can I Help My Husband Overcome Emotional Avoidance?
Yes. It’s important to understand that emotional avoidance often stems from underlying fears – fear of vulnerability, fear of rejection, or fear of being judged. It can also be a learned behavior, especially if someone grew up in an environment where emotions were not openly discussed or were dismissed. Societal norms that pressure men to “be strong” or “not show weakness” can make it harder for some husbands to express their emotions openly. Starting to sound like your husband?
How Emotional Avoidance Impacts Relationships
Strained Communication
When one partner consistently avoids discussing emotions, it creates a barrier to honest communication. This can lead to misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts, and a lack of trust, as one partner feels unheard or unsupported.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional avoidance prevents couples from connecting on a deeper level. When genuine emotions are not expressed, the relationship can feel shallow, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled and disconnected.
Cycles of Distance
Avoidance can create a cycle where one partner pulls away, leading the other to feel rejected or frustrated. This dynamic often repeats, creating a growing emotional distance that is difficult to bridge.
Strategies to Help Your Husband Overcome Emotional Avoidance
Create Safety & Model Openness f
Make it clear that your relationship is a safe space for expressing emotions without judgment. Encourage him to share his feelings and listen actively without interrupting or offering solutions right away. Be open about your own emotions and experiences as a way to model vulnerability and openness. Sharing your feelings can encourage him to do the same, making emotional conversations feel more natural.
Be Patient With Your Husband’s Emotional Avoidance
Overcoming emotional avoidance is a process that takes time. Be patient and recognize that everyone’s journey toward emotional openness looks different. Celebrate small wins and progress, and avoid pressuring him to change overnight.
Gently Introduce the Idea of Therapy
Sometimes having a trained professional can help men to feel comfortable broaching what feels like a very sensitive and overwhelming experience. Suggest that he consider trying therapy to help explore and understand his emotions. Therapy can provide a safe space for processing feelings and gaining insight into what might be driving avoidance.
Encourage Therapy For Your Husband to Process Emotional Avoidance
Approach the Conversation with Empathy
When discussing therapy or emotional issues, it’s important to approach the topic with empathy. Express your concern for his well-being and the relationship, rather than framing the conversation as criticism. Use “I” statements like, “I feel concerned about how distant we’ve been” rather than “You never talk about your feelings.”
Therapy As A Tool for Your Husband to Overcome Emotional Avoidance
Emphasize that therapy isn’t about finding fault but about understanding oneself better and learning to connect more deeply. Discuss how therapy can provide valuable tools for navigating emotions, reducing stress, and improving communication.
Normalize Therapy
Normalize the idea of therapy by discussing it in a positive light. You can share examples of friends, public figures, or even your own experiences where therapy has been helpful. Positioning therapy as a proactive, strong choice rather than a weak last resort can make it more approachable.
Conclusion
Emotional avoidance can create barriers to connection and intimacy in relationships, but there are ways to encourage your husband to open up and even consider therapy. By approaching the topic with empathy, framing therapy as a tool for growth, and creating a safe space for emotional expression, you can help him feel more comfortable confronting his emotions. Overcoming emotional avoidance is a journey.
I can help you work towards building a deeper and more fulfilling connection. Reach out today.
