Neurology, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Pelvic Floor Issues? The Truth About How to Heal Trauma

Written by herecounseling

Pelvic floor therapy targets the muscles, ligaments, and connective tissues that support your pelvic organs—think bladder, bowels, and reproductive system. These structures play a starring role in everyday functions like urination, digestion, and even sexual health. Problems here can affect anyone, regardless of gender, and can throw a wrench into your quality of life. In a recent interview, Dr. Rachel Daof, a pelvic floor physical therapist at Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, sat down with Dr. Connor McClenahan to unpack this essential yet often overlooked topic.

What Pelvic Floor Therapy Can Do for You

Pelvic floor therapy tackles a surprising variety of issues that might be disrupting your daily routine. Dr. Daof sums it up with a memorable phrase: “We help with pee, poo, and pleasure.” Here’s a closer look at the common challenges it addresses:

  • Urinary Incontinence: Ever leak a little when you cough, sneeze, or hit the gym? That’s more common than you might think.
  • Bowel Dysfunction: Struggles like constipation or fecal incontinence can be tough to talk about, but they’re treatable.
  • Pelvic Pain: Discomfort in the genital, anal, or lower abdominal areas can stem from muscle tension or injury.
  • Sexual Health Challenges: Pain during intimacy, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation can all tie back to pelvic floor issues.

These problems don’t discriminate—they can affect people of all ages and genders, often triggered by things like childbirth, trauma, or even prolonged stress. The good news? They’re not something you have to just live with.

Pelvic Floor Therapy is About Safety

At Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, the treatment process is all about creating safety. It starts with a conversation—a detailed chat about your symptoms and history. Dr. Daof stresses that consent is non-negotiable: “We make sure patients are comfortable with every step.” Depending on what you’re dealing with, the next phase might involve an internal exam to check how those pelvic muscles are functioning. Don’t worry—these are done with care and always with your boundaries in mind.

From there, the team crafts a plan tailored just for you, targeting any weaknesses or tightness in the pelvic floor. “We want them to feel safe in our environment, with our presence, and with the manual therapy,” Dr. Daof explains. That sense of safety isn’t just a bonus—it’s what’s actually required for the muscles and nervous system to elongate and heal.

Pelvic Guarding and Kegel Exercises

Dr. Daof uses a simple yet powerful analogy to illustrate why pelvic floor issues often go beyond a lack of strength: imagine trying to clench your fist tightly for hours on end. Eventually, the muscles tire out, becoming so fatigued that they can no longer contract effectively, even if you want them to. This is similar to what happens with an overly tight or hypertonic pelvic floor. When these muscles are chronically tense—whether from stress, poor posture, or overcompensation—they lose their ability to relax and then contract properly. It’s not a matter of weakness but rather a state of exhaustion or dysfunction.

This is why Kegel exercises, which focus on strengthening through repeated contractions, often fall short or even worsen the problem. For many, the pelvic floor doesn’t need more tension; it needs release, retraining, and balance to restore its natural function. This points to the need to relax, elongate and understand the chronic tension we carry.

Emotional History Impacts Pelvic Floor Muscles

Here’s where it gets interesting: your pelvic health isn’t just about muscles—it’s tied to your emotions, too. Dr. Daof points out that experiences like childhood shame or trauma can show up years later as physical issues. Imagine a kid taught to “hold it in” because of strict rules or embarrassment. Over time, that habit can turn into chronic muscle tension down below.

That’s why pelvic floor therapy often takes a holistic approach, sometimes teaming up with psychotherapists to tackle both the physical and emotional sides of healing. It’s not just about fixing a symptom—it’s about understanding the whole picture to get lasting results.

Create Safety and Healing

If any of this sounds familiar—whether it’s a little leak or a nagging pain—know that you’ve got options. Pelvic floor physical therapy can make a real difference, and there’s no reason to let embarrassment keep you from getting help. Dr. Daof and her team are here to guide you with expertise and compassion.

We believe emotional and physical healing are 2 sides of the same coin. The pain you experience creates an emotional stamp that’s felt by both your internal world of relationships and self, as well as your body’s muscular and nervous system. Whichever side of the tunnel you approach it – whether with a psychotherapist or with a pelvic floor therapist – we know the healing is worth reaching out.

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ADHD, Neurology, Podcast

[VIDEO] Shatter ADHD Myths: How to Use Brain Mapping to Unlock the Science of Attention

Written by herecounseling

Brain Mapping and Neurofeedback at Vital Brain Health

What’s Happening Under the Hood

The brain is more than just the seat of our thoughts—it’s a dynamic organ where hardware (neural structures) and software (thought patterns) interact. At Vital Brain Health, advanced tools like EEG-based brain mapping and neurofeedback allow clinicians to peek into this hardware, revealing how brain waves and regions influence behavior. Brain mapping involves placing a cap with sensors on the scalp to record electrical activity over 20 minutes—10 with eyes open, 10 with eyes closed—creating a “movie” of the brain at rest. This isn’t about static images like an MRI; it’s about function, showing how areas fire and connect in real time. Neurofeedback builds on this by training the brain to adjust those patterns, using visual feedback (like a Netflix show that distorts when waves go off-track) to encourage healthier rhythms.

Why It Matters

Understanding the brain’s wiring offers a new lens on struggles like focus, anxiety, or emotional regulation. Rather than seeing these as personal failings, they can be viewed as biological responses—sometimes to stress, sometimes to inherited tendencies. This approach doesn’t just label issues; it provides a roadmap for change, empowering individuals to work with their brain’s natural plasticity.

The Neurology Behind ADHD-Like Focus Issues

Beyond the Label: What’s Really Going On

ADHD is often diagnosed through behavioral checklists—16 questions about focus or impulsivity—but this surface-level approach misses the deeper story. Neurologically, attention relies on the prefrontal cortex, which handles planning, impulse control, and sequential thinking (e.g., “Do A, then B”). Under stress or trauma, blood flow shifts away from this region to the amygdala and limbic system, prioritizing survival over organization. This can manifest as fast brain waves in the prefrontal cortex slowing down, or the amygdala over-firing, keeping someone in a reactive, high-arousal state. For a child, this might look like outbursts or distraction; for an adult, it’s losing track of tasks. The catch? These symptoms mimic ADHD but may stem from entirely different causes—like a tough life transition or chronic anxiety.

State vs. Trait: How Focus Issues Evolve

A “state” is a temporary reaction—like struggling to focus during a stressful week—while a “trait” is a wired-in tendency, shaped by prolonged experience. When stress persists (think post-COVID isolation or a family crisis), neurons fire together repeatedly, strengthening pathways that favor reactivity over focus. Over time, the prefrontal cortex might become “sluggish,” less efficient at sending inhibitory signals to calm the limbic system, while the amygdala stays on high alert. This isn’t a permanent flaw—it’s an adaptation that can be reframed and retrained.

Reframing the Struggle

Instead of “I can’t focus because I’m broken,” try: “My brain’s in a high-arousal state, reacting to something real.” This shifts blame from character to context. For example, a child labeled ADHD might have a prefrontal cortex overwhelmed by a traumatic move, not a disorder. Recognizing this opens doors to targeted solutions beyond medication—like addressing the root stress or using neurofeedback to boost prefrontal efficiency.

Practical Takeaway

If focus feels off, check your arousal level. Too drowsy or too wired (shaky, restless)? Both tank attention. Try a quick reset: a brisk walk if you’re sluggish, or a minute of slow breathing if you’re amped up. It’s not about forcing focus—it’s about tuning your brain’s engine.

Shared Trauma and Its Impact on the Brain

The Collective Experience

Trauma isn’t always personal—it can ripple through families or communities. Take a city hit by wildfires: homes lost, schools gone, cafes erased. This collective shock disrupts everyone’s sense of safety, sending limbic systems into overdrive. The amygdala ramps up, scanning for threats, while the prefrontal cortex dials back, reducing patience and impulse control. A parent might snap more easily, a child’s tantrums might spike—not because they’re “bad,” but because their brains are syncing to a shared stress signal. Post-COVID lockdowns showed this too: isolation and fear spiked arousal levels, leading to a surge in ADHD-like symptoms and medication shortages.

The Neurological Ripple Effect

In these scenarios, the brain’s wiring reflects the group dynamic. Hypervigilance—seen in fast “lambda waves” at the back of the head—might drive constant scanning, even in safe settings. This isn’t voluntary; it’s the visual cortex over-connecting to the amygdala, creating a feedback loop of alertness. For a family, this might mean everyone’s on edge, amplifying each other’s reactivity. It’s a collective “buzz” that can persist, turning a temporary state into a trait if unchecked.

Reframing the Impact

Rather than “Why are we all falling apart?” consider: “Our brains are carrying a shared load.” This perspective reduces guilt—parents aren’t failing, kids aren’t defiant; they’re adapting to a shaken world. It’s a call to see behavior as a signal, not a sentence.

Practical Takeaway

Break the buzz with a collective pause. A family walk, a silly game, or even a group deep-breath session can lower arousal across the board. It’s not about erasing trauma—it’s about giving everyone’s brain a moment to recalibrate together.

How Relationships Wire Our Brain

The Social Synapse

Our brains are built for connection. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t just manage tasks—it relies on relationships to regulate emotions and behavior. A child’s meltdown often eases with a calm adult nearby because their brain “borrows” that stability, a process tied to mirror neurons—cells that mimic others’ states. But if those systems are offline (e.g., less right-brain activity), bonding can feel elusive, even with effort. A parent might nurture tirelessly, yet the child struggles to connect—not due to lack of love, but a difference in wiring.

From Parent to Child, Spouse to Spouse

This wiring starts early and never stops. A preoccupied parent—say, distracted by a phone—might leave a child’s prefrontal cortex without that external “shushing” signal, letting limbic reactivity run wild. In adults, a stressed partner’s withdrawal can trigger the same loop in their spouse. Over time, these interactions shape traits: a child’s self-regulation might falter without consistent co-regulation, or an adult’s anxiety might spike without a steady anchor. It’s not blame—it’s biology.

Rewiring Through Neurofeedback

Here’s the hope: neurofeedback can shift these patterns. By placing sensors over key regions (like an overactive amygdala), clinicians guide the brain to slow its waves—think 900-1000 reps in a 20-minute session, all while watching a show. Over weeks, this builds a new trait: less reactivity, more calm. It’s like teaching a jittery cat to trust safety, compressing years of change into months.

Reframing Connection

Swap “They’re distant because they don’t care” with “Their brain might need help feeling safe.” This fosters patience and curiosity—maybe it’s not rejection, but a wiring hiccup you can address together.

Practical Takeaway

Boost your brain’s social wiring with daily check-ins—a quick chat with a friend or loved one. If connection feels strained, try co-regulation: sit quietly together, syncing breaths. Small moments can rewire big patterns.

Strategies for Change

  • Understanding Your Baseline
    The Yerkes-Dodson law—a bell curve of arousal vs. performance—shows optimal focus lies in the middle. Too low (drowsy), and you’re foggy; too high (manic), and you’re scattered. Brain mapping reveals your baseline—say, a fast-firing thalamus inherited from a parent, pushing you toward high arousal. Knowing this helps you target the real issue.
  • Breaking the Loop
    For rumination—linked to the anterior cingulate, the brain’s “Chihuahua” that won’t stop chewing—distraction works wonders. When stuck on “Did I mess up?” write it down, then shift to a tactile task (e.g., folding laundry). It’s not avoidance—it’s giving your brain a new toy.
  • Leveraging Neurofeedback
    Available in-office or via at-home sensors, neurofeedback targets specific waves (e.g., slowing fast alpha for anxiety). After 40 sessions over four months, many see 30-50% improvement—focus sharpens, reactivity fades. It’s a game-changer for stubborn traits.
  • Embracing Collective Support
    Share your journey—tell a friend, “I’m working on my focus.” Their encouragement can co-regulate you, amplifying progress. You’re not alone; your brain thrives with others.

Your Brain, Your Potential

Focus issues, shared trauma, and relational wiring aren’t defects—they’re your brain doing its job, shaped by experience. Whether it’s a prefrontal cortex on pause, a community reeling, or a connection needing a boost, you’re not stuck. Tools like brain mapping and neurofeedback, paired with simple reframes, reveal a truth: your brain’s adaptable, and you’ve got the keys. Start small—tune your arousal, lean on others, explore your wiring. You’re not fixing a flaw; you’re unlocking potential. What could change if you saw your brain as a partner, not a problem

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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Neurology, Parenting, Podcast

Attachment Styles: How to Heal the Hidden Lens Shaping Your Relationships

Written by Connor McClenahan

Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.

In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.

At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.

Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.

Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.

Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness

Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment

Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.

Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma

Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.

How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships

Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:

  • Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
  • Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
  • Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.

It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.

2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability

Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.

3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships

Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.

4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling

Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.

5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself

Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.

The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

5 Ways Trauma Rewires Your Brain for Survival

Written by McKenzie Laird

The human brain is remarkably adaptive, especially in response to adversity. When individuals experience neglect, emotional or verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or witness family violence—particularly in early childhood—their brains undergo survival-based changes to help them navigate a dangerous world. These adaptations are, in many ways, a reflection of the brain’s resilience. However, when trauma survivors move into safer environments, they often struggle deactivating the survival mechanisms they developed. Understanding how the brain adapts to trauma can be the first step in healing and reclaiming a sense of safety.

Imagine a child growing up in a confusing home where every interaction holds the potential for emotional or physical harm. This child’s brain learns to adapt for survival. Now, picture this child as an adult now living somewhere safe. Logically, they know they’re no longer in danger, but their brain hasn’t fully caught up yet. Instead, it continues to operate in survival mode, shaping the way they think, feel, and connect with others—even long into adulthood.

Much like animals in the wild, who develop specific survival tactics in response to threats, trauma survivors exhibit similar resilience. Nature documentaries often showcase how animals adapt to harsh environments—whether it’s a gazelle learning to anticipate predators or a bear cub developing defensive skills after early hardships. While these adaptations serve them well in the wild, if these animals were relocated to a protected sanctuary, they might initially struggle adjusting to the lack of danger. Similarly, trauma survivors may find it difficult to shift from survival mode to a state of peace and trust, even when they are safe.

Here are five ways your brain changes in response to trauma:

1. In Trauma, Hypervigilance Becomes the Norm

After experiencing prolonged danger, your brain becomes hyper-aware of potential threats. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting danger, becomes overactive, leading to heightened anxiety and an exaggerated startle response. This makes it difficult to relax, even in safe environments, as your brain continuously scans for danger.

In the animal kingdom, prey animals like deer or rabbits exhibit similar hypervigilance. Their finely tuned senses help them detect danger, but when placed in a controlled environment where threats are minimal, they may still exhibit skittish behavior until they learn to feel safe.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may constantly anticipate conflict, even in peaceful relationships.
  • Small misunderstandings may feel like major threats, leading to overreactions.
  • You might struggle to believe your partner’s reassurances, fearing hidden dangers.

2. Emotional Regulation Becomes Difficult when Traumatized

Trauma impacts the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. When this region is impaired, it results in heightened emotional reactivity, difficulty managing stress, and challenges in expressing emotions in a healthy way. You may find yourself easily overwhelmed or reacting to situations that seem minor to others.

Similarly, animals that have faced repeated stress, such as rescued shelter dogs, often struggle with emotional regulation. They may lash out or retreat, not because they are naturally aggressive, but because their past experiences have wired their brains to expect harm.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You might experience sudden mood swings, feeling fine one moment and deeply upset the next.
  • Expressing emotions may feel overwhelming, leading to either emotional outbursts or complete withdrawal.
  • Your partner may struggle to understand why small triggers cause big reactions.

3. Trust Issues Become Deeply Ingrained through Trauma

Because early trauma often involves betrayal or harm from caregivers, the brain learns that people—even those who claim to love you—may not be completely safe. The brain wires itself to be cautious in relationships, leading to difficulties in trusting others, fear of vulnerability, and challenges in forming healthy attachments.

In nature, animals that have been hunted or mistreated by humans often remain wary, even when approached with kindness. A rescued horse that has been abused may take years to learn to trust its new caretaker, despite being in a loving home. The same applies to trauma survivors—learning to trust again takes time and patience.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may struggle to believe that your partner’s love is genuine or lasting.
  • Opening up emotionally may feel impossible, leading to distance in relationships.
  • Fear of abandonment might cause you to push people away before they have a chance to leave.

4. Survival Mode of Trauma Disrupts Logical Thinking

The hippocampus, a brain region involved in memory and learning, is affected by trauma, making it difficult to differentiate past from present. This means that even in a safe environment, your brain may react as if the trauma is happening all over again. This can lead to difficulty making decisions, chronic stress, and difficulty retaining positive experiences.

Consider a wild animal repeatedly exposed to danger—its brain remains wired to react instinctively rather than logically. A fox that has barely survived multiple predator encounters may struggle to distinguish a genuine threat from a harmless situation. Likewise, trauma survivors often operate from a protective than connective place.

How This Affects Relationships:

  • You may misinterpret neutral comments or actions as personal attacks.
  • It can be difficult to see your partner’s intentions clearly, leading to misunderstandings.
  • Conflict resolution may feel impossible, as your brain automatically assumes the worst.

5. Trauma Distorts Self-Perception

When trauma happens early in life, particularly at the hands of caregivers, the brain may internalize the experience as a reflection of self-worth. This can result in deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, or unworthiness. Survivors may develop negative self-talk, struggle with self-compassion, and feel as though they are fundamentally broken.

A perfect example of this can be seen in elephants that have been held in captivity. Even when freed, some remain chained mentally, believing they are still confined. Similarly, trauma survivors may feel stuck in limiting beliefs about themselves, even when those beliefs are no longer valid.

How This Affects Relationships

  • You may feel unworthy of love, leading to self-sabotage in relationships.
  • Accepting compliments or kindness from others may feel uncomfortable or even suspicious.
  • A deep fear of rejection may cause you to settle for unhealthy relationships or avoid intimacy altogether.

Reach Out and Move Toward Healing

The good news is that the brain remains plastic—meaning it can change and heal even after years of trauma-induced adaptations. Therapy, mindfulness, and trauma-informed practices can help retrain the brain to recognize safety, regulate emotions, and develop healthier relational patterns.

Like rehabilitated wildlife that learns to thrive in a protected environment, trauma survivors can relearn what it means to be safe, loved, and emotionally free. If you recognize these trauma responses in yourself, know that you are not alone. Your brain adapted to survive, but now, you deserve to heal. With the right support, you can create new neural pathways that foster a sense of safety, trust, and emotional balance in your life.

Therapy for trauma and depression with McKenzie Laird, AMFT
Learn More About Therapy with McKenzie
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Managing emotions, Podcast

How to Best Choose a Therapist: 3 Essential Tips to Ensure the Right Fit for Success

Written by herecounseling

Choosing the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already facing personal challenges. However, knowing how to choose a therapist and understanding what to look for in a therapist can simplify the process. Drawing from expert insights by Dr. Connor McClenahan, director of Here Counseling, this guide highlights three essential qualities—availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—to help you find a therapist who’s the perfect fit for your needs. Let’s explore these qualities and practical tips to ensure your therapy journey is supportive and effective.

What to Look for in a Therapist:

Your therapist should be…

1. Available

When figuring out how to choose a therapist, availability is a top priority. You need someone who’s accessible when you need them most. Dr. McClenahan emphasizes this, saying, “You really want to know that when you pick up the phone, somebody is going to respond to you.” A therapist who’s available ensures you’re not left waiting during critical moments.

  • Why it matters: Delays in scheduling or responses can increase feelings of frustration or isolation. A therapist who prioritizes availability shows they value your time and mental well-being.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists who reply promptly to inquiries and offer appointments within a reasonable timeframe. For instance, Here Counseling aims to respond within a day or two and schedule sessions within a week.

Choosing a therapist who’s available means you’ll feel supported from the start, making it easier to begin your healing process.

2. Real

Another critical aspect of what to look for in a therapist is authenticity. You want someone genuine—someone who connects with you on a human level. Dr. McClenahan notes that clients need “somebody who’s real,” highlighting the importance of a therapist’s ability to empathize and relate.

  • Why it matters: Studies show that the “goodness of fit” between you and your therapist strongly predicts therapy’s success. An authentic therapist builds trust, creating a safe space for you to share openly.
  • How to spot it: Seek therapists who are approachable and transparent. Many, like those at Here Counseling, offer profiles with blog posts or videos to help you gauge their personality before meeting.

An authentic therapist fosters a meaningful connection, which is vital when deciding how to choose a therapist you can rely on.

3. Helpful

When considering what to look for in a therapist, helpfulness is non-negotiable. Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about growth. Dr. McClenahan explains that a helpful therapist knows “what it takes to actually heal and grow in a therapy room,” using proven methods to guide you forward.

  • Why it matters: A helpful therapist goes beyond listening; they equip you with tools to tackle challenges like anxiety or relationship struggles. This focus on results makes therapy worthwhile.
  • How to spot it: Look for therapists trained in evidence-based approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychoanalysis. At Here Counseling, therapists tailor these methods to your unique goals.

Choosing a therapist who prioritizes helpfulness ensures your sessions lead to real, lasting progress.

Practical Tips for How to Choose a Therapist

Beyond these core qualities, here are some actionable steps to refine your search for the right therapist:

  • Check credentials: Confirm the therapist is licensed and experienced in areas relevant to your needs, like depression or trauma.
  • Schedule a consultation: Many therapists offer an initial chat to assess fit. Use this to ask questions and test your comfort level.
  • Read reviews: Client feedback or recommendations from friends can reveal a therapist’s strengths and style.

These steps can boost your confidence in finding a therapist who aligns with what to look for in a therapist for your situation.

Why Here Counseling Simplifies Choosing a Therapist

Wondering how to choose a therapist without the guesswork? Here Counseling makes it easier. They provide a care coordinator to match you with a therapist based on your needs, plus detailed therapist profiles with videos and posts to preview their approach. This process reflects their commitment to availability, authenticity, and helpfulness—everything you should look for in a therapist.

Start Looking Today

Deciding how to choose a therapist doesn’t have to be daunting. By focusing on availability, authenticity, and helpfulness, you can find someone who supports your growth. Ready to take the next step? Contact Here Counseling to connect with a therapist who embodies these qualities and start your path to healing.

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Anxiety, Podcast

Young Adults Need to Feel Strong: Why “Vibey” Therapists are Unhelpful, and Tips to Find a Good One for Your Young Adult

Written by herecounseling

Navigating mental health as a community college student is no small feat. At Pasadena City College (PCC), where about 24,000 students—fresh-faced high school grads, career switchers, and everyone in between—chase their dreams, the mental health team works overtime to keep up. Dr. Andrea Bailey, Faculty Lead and Clinical Director, compares her job to running a small city’s mental health system, juggling limited resources and a dizzying array of student needs.

But here’s the kicker: therapy alone isn’t enough. This article dives into why trauma thrives without communal support, the traps of “vibey” therapists that can trip up young adults, and how to spot a therapist who’ll actually help you grow.

Trauma’s Roots: Where Community Falls Short

Trauma doesn’t hit like a lightning bolt—it’s more like a slow burn. Dr. Bailey explains that after big events, like wildfires or political chaos, students don’t flood the counseling center right away. They lean on their communities first—friends, family, campus buddies. But when those ties weaken or dissolve, the fallout creeps in months later, driving up demand for therapy. This delay reveals something big: mental health isn’t just about what’s in your head. It’s tied to the people around you.

In today’s world, where stable communities—think tight-knit families or neighborhood crews—are fading, students end up relying on therapists to fill the void. Dr. Bailey’s point is clear: therapy can patch you up, but it’s communal support that keeps you steady. Without it, trauma festers, and young adults, already figuring out who they are, feel the weight even more.

The Trap of “Vibey” Therapists: Why Good Vibes Aren’t Enough

Ever met a therapist who’s all warm fuzzies but no substance? Dr. Bailey calls them “vibey therapists”—the ones who nail the cozy vibe but don’t push you to grow. For young adults, this can be a real stumbling block. Drawing from Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy, here are three common pitfalls of this approach and how they mess with students:

  • Fostering Dependence Over Independence
    These therapists might leave you hooked on their affirmations, like you’re a plant that can’t grow without constant watering. Young adults, who are supposed to be learning how to stand on their own, end up needing a session just to face a bad grade or a fight with a roommate.
  • Turning Struggles Into Identities
    Too much focus on feelings without a game plan can glue you to your pain. Dr. Bailey hears students say, “I am my anxiety,” like it’s their whole personality. For young adults shaping their futures, this can lock them into a victim mindset instead of pushing them past it.
  • Prioritizing Comfort Over Challenge
    If therapy feels like a hug fest with no tough questions, it’s not doing its job. Young adults need to stretch their wings—avoiding hard stuff keeps them fragile, not ready for the real world’s curveballs.

These traps don’t just stall you—they can backfire, making resilience harder to build. Shrier’s critique hits home: therapy that’s too soft can turn growing pains into permanent scars, especially for students at a crossroads.

Finding the Right Therapist: Tips That Work

So, how do you dodge the “vibey” trap and find a therapist who’s legit? It’s like picking a workout buddy—you want someone who’ll cheer you on but also call you out when you’re slacking. Dr. Bailey’s got some solid advice. Here are three tips to know if a therapist’s a good fit:

  • They Challenge You (But Not Too Hard)
    A great therapist listens, gets you, then nudges you forward. If you’re just venting every week with no progress, it’s too vibey. Look for someone who sparks action.
  • They’ve Walked the Walk
    Ask if they’ve been in therapy themselves. A therapist who’s faced their own stuff won’t lean on you to feel useful. For young adults, this means less risk of a weird, clingy vibe and more focus on your growth.
  • You Feel Seen, Not Babied
    You should leave a session feeling understood but not pampered. If they’re handing you tools or a fresh angle—not just nodding and smiling—you’ve got a keeper. It’s about moving forward, not wallowing.

These pointers help you zero in on therapy that builds you up, not just props you up.

Therapy Plus Community

Therapy’s a tool, but it shines brightest alongside real community—friends, clubs, a campus crew. At PCC, Dr. Bailey’s team pushes students to plug into campus life, because healing sticks when you’re not alone. For young adults, dodging “vibey” therapists and chasing solid support—both in and out of the counseling room—can turn a rough patch into a launchpad. In a world that’s shaky at best, that’s worth figuring out.

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[VIDEO] Motivation 101: How to Rewire Your Brain to Get Things Done

Written by Connor McClenahan

Have you ever found yourself staring at a to-do list, feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to start even the simplest task? Maybe your house is a mess, your inbox is overflowing, or that big project is looming like a dark cloud. You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with motivation, especially when life feels like a high-wire act with no safety net.

But what if I told you that understanding your brain’s natural mechanisms could help you regain your drive and accomplish your goals? In this podcast episode, we dive into the psychology of motivation, why we lose it, and how to get it back—without beating yourself up in the process.

The Overwhelm Trap: Why Motivation Slips Away

Picture this: You’re trying to walk a high wire, 200 feet in the air, with no safety net below. Every step feels like a life-or-death decision, and the fear of falling keeps you frozen in place. This is what happens in your brain when you’re overwhelmed. Your limbic system—the emotional center responsible for sensing safety and danger—gets flooded with too many signals. Deadlines, chores, expectations—they all pile up, screaming “threat!” until you shut down.

This overwhelm often triggers a depressive spiral. You know something needs to get done—a report, the laundry, calling a friend—but instead of acting, you feel a heavy weight settle in. Sadness creeps up, followed by a sense of “I can’t do this.” In that moment, what you really need is comfort, rest, or a helping hand. But too often, what you get instead is your inner critic swooping in: “Why can’t you just get it together? You’re so lazy!”

I’ve been there. I once had a huge presentation due, and instead of starting, I berated myself for procrastinating. The harsher I got, the less I accomplished—until I was a ball of exhaustion and guilt. Sound familiar? That self-critical voice might feel like a tough coach pushing you forward, but it’s actually sinking you deeper into the spiral. The sad, overwhelmed feelings almost always win, leaving you stuck.

How Your Brain Wants to Motivate You

Here’s the good news: Your brain is built to motivate itself—it’s just that overwhelm and self-criticism throw a wrench in the works. Three key areas team up to get you moving:

  1. Limbic System: This is your safety detector. When it’s calm, you feel secure enough to act. When it’s flooded with “danger” signals, you freeze—like you’re stuck on that high wire.
  2. Prefrontal Cortex: Think of this as your inner planner. It breaks big goals into bite-sized steps and keeps you on track, like a coach mapping out a marathon training schedule.
  3. Ventral Striatum: This is your reward center, and it thrives on social connection and meaning. It’s the cheering crowd at the finish line, the pride of sharing your win with someone, or the feeling of becoming the person you admire.

When these parts work together, motivation flows naturally. The problem? Modern life floods the limbic system, drowns out the prefrontal cortex, and leaves the ventral striatum starved for meaningful rewards. But you can flip the script with a few smart strategies.

Three Steps to Reignite Your Drive

Ready to get unstuck? Here’s how to tap into your brain’s natural motivation system:

1. Create Safety First

If your limbic system thinks you’re on a high wire, it’s going to keep you paralyzed. Bring it back to solid ground with these simple tricks:

  • Gratitude: Jot down three things you’re thankful for—it could be coffee, a sunny day, or a kind text.
  • Comfort: Give yourself a hug (seriously, it works!) or call a friend to vent about your day.

These acts dial down the overwhelm, signaling to your brain that it’s safe to move forward.

2. Break It Down—Way Down

Your prefrontal cortex loves a clear plan. Big tasks like “clean the house” or “finish the project” can feel like unclimbable mountains. Instead, shrink them into tiny, doable steps:

  • Instead of “write the report,” start with “open the document.”
  • Instead of “organize the closet,” begin with “pull out one shelf.”

Focus on just the next step. Once you check it off, the momentum builds—and suddenly, that mountain looks more like a hill.

3. Make Rewards Social and Meaningful

Your ventral striatum doesn’t care about another cup of coffee or a Netflix binge. It lights up for rewards that connect you to others or your values:

  • Social: Who can you share your win with? Plan to text a friend, “I did it!” or celebrate with a loved one.
  • Meaningful: Link the task to who you want to be. Maybe finishing that report means you’re responsible like your role model, or helping a teammate aligns with your desire to be kind.

For example, when I finally tackled that presentation, I told myself, “This is me being the reliable person my dad always was.” Plus, I called my best friend to brag when it was done. Those rewards pulled me through.

The Real Motivation Killer: Self-Criticism

Here’s the catch: None of this works if your inner critic is running the show. That voice saying, “You’re not good enough,” or “Why can’t you keep up?” isn’t motivating—it’s paralyzing. Often, it’s a leftover habit from childhood, when you needed help but got sighs or eye rolls instead. Over time, you learned to turn that criticism inward.

Next time it pipes up, pause. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who’s struggling?” Chances are, you’d be gentle: “It’s okay, you’ve got a lot on your plate. Let’s figure this out together.” Offer yourself that same grace. If the self-criticism feels like a brick wall, therapy can help you explore where it came from and set it aside—so you can focus on who you want to become.

You’ve Got This—And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Lack of motivation isn’t about laziness or a lack of discipline. It’s your brain crying out for safety, clarity, and purpose amid the chaos. By calming your limbic system, leaning on your prefrontal cortex, and feeding your ventral striatum with rewards that matter, you can break the overwhelm spiral and get moving again.

So, next time you’re staring down that to-do list, try this: Take a deep breath, list three things you’re grateful for, pick one tiny step to start with, and decide who you’ll tell when it’s done. You might be surprised how far it takes you. And if you’re still stuck? Reach out—to a friend, a loved one, or a professional. Motivation isn’t a solo sport, and you don’t have to go it alone.

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Kristi Wollbrink
Managing emotions

“Why did this happen?” How to Find Hope in Tragedy

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Loss and sadness naturally leave us feeling uncertain. This can bring with them a deeper yearning for understanding – this deep yearning for meaning in the midst of the pain.  Tragedy and loss naturally cause us to notice deep questions about ourselves and our experiences. This sense of searching for meaning in the midst of our pain and sadness.  

Often as we are experiencing a loss or crisis we find ourselves trying to find answers to help us understand why we are experiencing the pain.  We begin to find ourselves searching for answers to really hard questions.  

“Why me?”

Thoughts like “why?” or “why me?” begin to creep in and can feel very overwhelming.  These questions and wonderings are our way of seeking as a way of making peace with our experiences.  That’s is also why it can feel distressing and overwhelming to be asking these questions when there seem to be no clear answers to these questions.  

Our internal need for answers is a normal and natural longing.  Being unable to make sense of our experience and sensing that we cannot find the answers we so deeply need can lead to other linked experiences such as:

  • Anger
  • Irritability
  • Lack of motivation
  • Feeling numb
  • Increased anxiety
  • Racing or ruminating thoughts

These may signal a deeper need for an ability to gain a sense of clarity to help us to understand what has happened and the reason for the event or tragedy.  

You may notice yourself going back to this swirling thought:  “Why me? Why now? Why this way?”

Your search for meaning started as a child

There is this very primary response that we all have that needs to be able to connect with the meaning of a situation or experience.  For many of us, we may remember these moments in our early development where there is a continual quest for understanding.  This is often the season that tests the patience of most parents or caregivers when small children begin to ask the perpetual question of “why?”  

“Why does the sun look like that?”  “Why does the cat say meow?”  

Why, why why.  This is a primal instinct that is without question one of the most important parts of learning how to navigate things that feel uncertain or unknown.  In this process of wondering and asking we are also finding ways to care for our deeper emotional need for safety and security.  

One of the most valued and important feelings that we need is that of safety and security.  This need for security is absolutely related to our own desire to know that I am safe.  

We want to know we’re still safe

Moments of crisis shake the very foundation of our internal sense of safety.  These moments that feel like they shatter all that we once knew, also threaten this deeper feeling of security and safety.  

Being able to make meaning of these life shattering moments is one of the most important steps in being able to regain your feeling of inner rest.  The continual feelings of fear and uncertainty can seem endless and exhausting.  Yet, being able to notice the questions that keep coming up in a way that is accepting and compassionate can be just what you need to move from a place of fear and into a place of hope and rest.

What to do when you notice yourself caught in a flurry of wondering and ache.

Here are three things that can most help you make sense of the pain.

1. Give yourself space to ask questions.  It can feel scary to notice that we are wondering about things that seem to have no answer.  Yet, these questions are important to help you to seek a sense of meaning making that is so valuable in your own sense of understanding that you are so naturally seeking.  Think of this as your small child self that needs to ask the questions, even if there may not be a perfect answer that solves the wondering.  Sometimes designating a set amount of time to be able to sit with these deeper feelings and questions can be helpful to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Setting a timer and allowing a set amount of time for which you can allow yourself to explore the questions and feelings can be helpful.  Once the allotted time has ended you can begin to shift your focus and know that you come back to these thoughts again tomorrow or next week.  

2. Find a safe space to tell your story.  It can feel hard to feel like you are having to say the same thing again and again, without being able to move past the pain, but the pain is an important indicator that you need to seek out safe spaces to talk and be heard.  For many people, having friends and family who can listen and care are invaluable.  There is also something helpful about being able to share your story with others who have experiences that are similar to your own.  There is this incredible feeling that comes when you begin to share and someone says, “yeah, I hear you, that is totally relatable and understandable.”  Seeking out a support group or grief group for others who are going through a similar experience can be one of the greatest resources to help in regaining your own sense of well being. 

3. Seek out practices and spaces that help you in moments of difficulty.This could include practices that bring a sense of connection with your own empowerment, clarity about their own life purpose and spaces that help you live out your deeper personal values.  A great resources for times of fear and uncertainty can be to move into a connection with deeper values and meaning. 

– Spending time with important people.

– Find intentional ways that allow you to give back  

– Connecting with nature and beauty in the world around you. 

– Seeking out faith communities or other spiritual practices. 

When we go through difficult times, we can often find ourselves disconnecting from these places and people who are important parts of our own grounding and connection.  Creating a plan for intentional connection can be important and helpful, especially as you grapple with deeper yearning for understanding and meaning.

These moments of deep pain or unexpected loss can be some of the most difficult and unsettling experiences.  Allowing space to allow the questions to come can be an important part of helping to find a deeper sense of meaning.  Sometimes there isn’t a clear path forward, and sometimes the answers themselves may not feel clear or complete.  Yet you don’t have to feel overwhelmed in the midst of your pain.  There are ways that you can help to move through the questions with greater courage and peace.  

Seeking a safe place to be able to explore these deeper questions in the midst of tragedy is so very important.  Sometimes it can feel helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or other mental health professional to help support you in the process of seeking clarity during these difficult moments.

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emotional numbness
Managing emotions

Feeling Nothing? The Truth About Emotional Numbness in Men

Written by Jake Maxwell

Why Do Some Men Feel Emotionally Numb?

You find yourself going through the motions, unable to feel much of anything. Maybe you know you should be happy, sad, or excited but instead, you feel…nothing. Emotional numbness is a silent struggle many men experience, often without realizing it. Rather than feeling deeply, everything becomes muted, like watching life through a foggy window.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional numbness is more common than you might think, and understanding why it happens is the first step toward change.

What Is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness isn’t just about feeling down – it’s about not feeling at all. It can show up in different ways like:

  • Struggling to feel joy, even in situations that you think would be exciting.
  • Feeling detached from loved ones or relationships.
  • Having difficulty identifying what you feel, beyond just “fine” or “tired.”
  • Avoiding deep conversations or uncomfortable emotions.
  • Relying on distractions like work, social media, or alcohol to avoid inner thoughts.

At its core, emotional numbness is a disconnection from yourself. It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from stress, pain, or overwhelming emotions. It can be helpful but maybe you’re reading this blog because you’re realizing that over time, it comes at a cost.

Why Do So Many Men Feel Emotional Numbness?

There are lots of reasons men might experience and those reasons can often work together to reinforce emotional disconnection. Here are some that might resonate with you.

1. The “Tough It Out” Mentality

From a young age, many boys are taught that emotions (especially sadness, fear, or vulnerability) are signs of weakness. Phrases like “man up,” “stop being so sensitive,” or “real men don’t cry” create a powerful message: emotions should be disregarded and pushed away. Over time, men learn to shut down feelings rather than express them.

2. Stress and Trauma

Emotional numbness often develops as a defense mechanism. When men experience high levels of stress, childhood trauma, or painful experiences, their brains sometimes “turn off” emotions to cope. While this can be useful in the short-term, staying in this disconnected state can lead to long-term emotional shutdown.

3. Depression & Burnout

Numbness can be a symptom of depression, even in men who don’t feel sad. Many men with depression describe feeling empty, fatigued, or uninterested in things they used to enjoy. Burnout, whether from work, relationships, or life stress, can also lead to emotional exhaustion, making it harder to feel anything at all.

4. Coping Through Distraction

Rather than confronting emotions, many men find ways to distract themselves like working long hours, scrolling social media, exercising, or drinking. While these behaviors might seem harmless, they often can serve as avoidance mechanisms that keep emotions buried rather than processed.

The Hidden Costs of Emotional Numbness

At first, numbness might not seem like a big problem. It can feel easier than dealing with difficult emotions. But over time, it starts to take a toll:

  • Strained Relationships: When emotions are suppressed, it becomes harder to connect with others. Partners may feel distant, frustrated, or even resentful when emotional expression is missing.
  • Lack of Motivation: Feeling detached can lead to a sense of aimlessness. Work, hobbies, and even social activities may start to feel pointless or unfulfilling.
  • Sudden Outbursts: When emotions are bottled up for too long, they often find a way out. Sometimes in the form of anger, irritability, or unexpected breakdowns.
  • Physical Health Issues: Suppressed emotions are linked to increased stress levels, which can contribute to high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, and a weakened immune system.

How to Start Feeling Again

If you recognize emotional numbness in yourself, know that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Here are some ways to reconnect with your emotions:

1. Name What’s Happening

Acknowledging that you feel emotionally numb is an important first step. Rather than judging yourself for it, try to get curious about when and why it started.

2. Engage in Small, Mindful Activities

Reconnecting with your emotions doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Simple things like journaling or going for a walk without distractions can help you tune back into yourself.

3. Talk About Your Emotional Numbness

One of the most powerful ways to overcome numbness is to talk about it. This could be with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Opening up can feel uncomfortable at first, but it can also be a gateway to emotional reconnection.

4. Challenge Old Beliefs To Overcome Emotional Numbness

If you’ve grown up believing emotions are a weakness, remind yourself that vulnerability is actually a strength. The ability to feel deeply and express emotions leads to stronger relationships and a more fulfilling life.

You Don’t Have To Stay Numb Forever

Emotional numbness is a common experience, but it doesn’t have to define you. By taking small steps toward self-awareness and emotional connection, you can start to feel again and build a life that feels more meaningful and authentic.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out for support. Therapy can provide the tools to help you reconnect with your emotions and yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out for help today.

Learn About Therapy With Jake
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Managing emotions, Podcast

[VIDEO] How to Escape the Pursue-Withdraw Trap in Your Relationship

Written by herecounseling

You’re in a relationship where every argument feels like you’re on a treadmill to nowhere. One of you chases for connection, while the other retreats into silence. This is the pursue-withdraw pattern, and it’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.

What is the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern?

The pursue-withdraw pattern is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner (the pursuer) seeks more interaction, validation, or resolution during conflicts, while the other (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed and tends to retreat or disengage.

John Allan Whitacre, AMFT, describes this vividly: “One person is going to stop at a rock and basically sit there and say, ‘Let’s just stop entirely. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.'” Here, the withdrawer might feel they’re not good enough or fear being criticized, leading to a retreat from interaction.

On the other hand, the pursuer, feeling neglected or anxious, might push for engagement, as Whitacre explains, “Another person may have been waiting all day at work to basically attend to their internal to-do list,” indicating a desire for resolution or closeness.

Pursue-Withdraw Pattern Causes Couples to Fight

The Emotional Toll: When one partner withdraws, seeking solitude or disengagement from the conflict, the other often feels abandoned or unloved, leading to a cycle of blame and retreat that can deepen the rift between you. This pattern becomes a repetitive dance where neither feels truly heard or understood.

Heightened Anxiety: This pattern isn’t just about disagreement; it’s about survival mode in your relationship. “We need to be able to fall back when life gets hard,” says Dr. Connor McClenahan, highlighting how this dynamic can turn a partner into a source of stress rather than support, escalating anxiety for both. The pursuer might feel desperate for reassurance, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the demand for closeness, creating a vicious cycle of increasing tension.

Connection and Identity is at Stake

Loss of Connection: Every cycle of pursue and withdraw chips away at the trust and intimacy you’ve built. “They’re both longing for safety,” Whitacre notes, but instead of finding it in each other, partners can feel increasingly isolated, even when they’re together. This lack of connection can lead to a profound sense of loneliness within the relationship.

Identity and Self-Worth: “I’m not good enough, so I need to retreat,” Whitacre describes the internal narrative of the withdrawer. Meanwhile, the pursuer might feel, “I need you. Where are you?” This dynamic can leave both questioning their value in the relationship and to each other. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and the belief in the relationship’s potential for happiness and fulfillment.

Awareness Breaks the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

Awareness is Key: “Especially on the front end. A lot of my work with couples is just helping them notice when they are coping,” Whitacre shares. Recognizing these roles you play can be the first step to breaking free from them. It’s about seeing the pattern for what it is—a defense mechanism rather than a personal attack or disinterest.

Communication Over Reaction: Instead of reacting out of hurt or fear, Whitacre pushes for understanding underlying needs. “What are you really trying to say to them?” he asks, encouraging couples to speak to their true feelings rather than their immediate frustrations. This shift can transform heated arguments into moments of vulnerability and connection.

The Healing Power of Therapy: “There actually is an opportunity to choose to either react to your feelings or respond to them,” Whitacre suggests. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics, learn new communication skills, and rebuild the connection. It’s about slowing down the interaction, allowing each partner to express what’s beneath the surface—fears, desires, and hopes.

A New Beginning as a Couple

The pursue-withdraw pattern doesn’t have to define your relationship. By confronting this cycle head-on, you can transform your partnership from one of survival and stress to one of mutual support and understanding. This podcast episode isn’t just about identifying a problem; it’s about offering a lifeline to couples caught in this loop, giving them the tools to reconnect, re-engage, and rediscover each other in healthier, more loving ways.

Imagine replacing those moments of withdrawal with gentle requests for space or understanding, and those moments of pursuit with compassionate invitations for closeness. By learning to communicate your needs without the baggage of past patterns, you can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and love. If you’re ready to step off that treadmill, it’s time to start rewriting your relationship story, one conversation at a time.

Couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT
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