Trauma has a way of embedding itself not just in our own lives but also in the stories and legacies passed down through generations. The idea of confronting this pain can feel overwhelming—our instinct is to avoid the discomfort, to stay within the safety of what we know. Yet, avoiding trauma doesn’t make it disappear; it allows it to linger, affecting us and those who come after us. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) offers a structured, safe way to face these buried wounds with the support of a therapist, providing a path to personal healing and the chance to break the cycle of generational trauma.
In this article, we’ll explore why confronting trauma is so challenging, how EMDR helps us overcome that challenge, and the profound benefits it offers—not just for ourselves but for our larger family stories.
What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy initially developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s. Shapiro stumbled upon its foundations by accident: while walking and feeling distressed, she noticed her eyes moving left to right and felt a sudden relief. This observation sparked decades of research, transforming EMDR into an evidence-based treatment, particularly effective for PTSD, but also valuable for anxiety, depression, and even sports performance.
Break the Cycle of Generational Trauma
EMDR therapy helps you process inherited pain and create a new path forward. Start healing with a skilled EMDR therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena today.
The EMDR Process: A Structured Path to Healing Trauma
EMDR is more than just eye movements—it’s a comprehensive therapy built on trust, preparation, and a clear protocol to process trauma safely.
Building Safety and Skills
The journey begins with one to three sessions focused on establishing a relationship with the therapist and equipping the client with coping tools. Dana Carretta-Stein, a licensed therapist and EMDR specialist, emphasizes this preparation: “My job is to make you uncomfortable because if we don’t feel something, we can’t heal it.” These initial steps ensure clients feel secure and ready to face their pain.
Processing with Bilateral Stimulation
The core of EMDR involves bilateral stimulation—such as following a light bar with the eyes, hearing alternating sounds, or feeling vibrations in the hands—while recalling traumatic memories. This dual attention helps the brain reprocess the experience, reducing its emotional charge. Clients might notice a rise in discomfort followed by a release, often marked by a sigh or a shift in posture, signaling healing in action.
“But I don’t want to deal with my trauma”
The Instinct to Avoid Discomfort
Confronting trauma is hard because it hurts. “A comfort zone is a beautiful thing, but nothing ever grows there,” Carretta-Stein notes. Our natural response is to push away pain, fearing it will overwhelm us. Many start therapy with hope but hesitate when subconscious barriers emerge, worried that facing the trauma will make things worse before they get better.
Yet Avoidance has a Hidden Cost
Avoidance offers temporary relief, but it perpetuates the problem. Unresolved trauma can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms, and it doesn’t stop with us—it can ripple through generations. EMDR addresses this by providing a structured environment where discomfort is expected and managed, allowing clients to move through it rather than around it.
What is Generational Trauma?
The Legacy of Pain Passed Down
Generational trauma is the idea that trauma’s effects—emotional, behavioral, or even genetic—can be transmitted across family lines. Research suggests that experiences can alter gene expression, meaning the pain of a grandparent might echo in their descendants. Carretta-Stein shares a personal example: during her pregnancy, she experienced a visceral panic, later tracing it to a family history of grief and loss that spanned generations.
EMDR can be a Tool for Healing Generational Trauma
Facing Inherited Pain with Support
EMDR excels at addressing generational trauma by allowing individuals to process not just their own experiences but the emotional baggage handed down to them. With a therapist’s guidance, clients can confront these memories in a safe space, using bilateral stimulation to reprocess and release the pain. “When you work through stuff, you don’t just heal yourself, you heal past generations and future ones,” Carretta-Stein explains.
The Benefits of EMDR Therapy
Personal Relief and Resilience
EMDR brings tangible relief: reduced symptoms, deeper insights, and a sense of letting go. Clients often feel lighter, as if a burden has lifted. “People start to heal the moment they feel heard,” Carretta-Stein says, highlighting the power of being seen and understood in therapy.
Healing Trauma is a Gift to Family and Beyond
The impact extends beyond the individual. By confronting and overcoming trauma, we prevent it from being passed on, fostering healthier relationships and communities. This dual benefit—personal healing and a transformed legacy—makes EMDR a powerful tool for those willing to face the discomfort.
Confronting trauma, especially one woven into your family’s history, takes courage. The discomfort is real, but so is the potential for transformation. EMDR provides a structured, relational approach to make this possible, ensuring you’re not alone on the journey. If you’re ready to explore this path, consider reaching out to a trained therapist. For more insight, Carretta-Stein’s EMDR Therapy Progress Journal, available on Amazon or DanaCorretta.com, offers a helpful starting point.
Trauma isolates us, but healing reconnects us—to ourselves, our past, and our future. With EMDR, you can turn pain into possibility, for you and the generations that follow.
Trauma is a deeply distressing experience that can leave lasting scars on the mind and body. It’s like a storm that upends your world, leaving you to pick up the pieces. For many, the aftermath of trauma is a daily battle, filled with emotional turbulence, physical exhaustion, and a sense of disconnection from the life they once knew. If you’ve ever wondered, what is trauma and how is it different from PTSD?, you’re not alone. Understanding the distinction is key to recognizing when to seek help and how to begin the healing process.
In this article, we’ll explore the nature of trauma, its most common symptoms, and how it impacts daily life. We’ll use an analogy of a dam overflowing with water to explain how trauma occurs and why some people develop PTSD while others do not. We’ll also delve into the research-backed differences between those who engage in trauma therapy and those who do not, highlighting the importance of social support in recovery. For those seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena or elsewhere, this guide will provide valuable insights into the healing journey.
What is trauma?
What are the common symptoms of trauma?
How trauma is like a dam
The impact of trauma therapy
Trauma therapy options
What Does Trauma Feel Like? Common Symptoms and Their Impact
Trauma can manifest in a variety of ways, often leaving survivors feeling like they’re navigating a minefield of emotional and physical triggers. The symptoms can be overwhelming, but understanding them is the first step toward reclaiming control. Here are some of the most common symptoms of trauma and how they impact a person’s life:
1. Flashbacks
These are vivid, involuntary memories of the traumatic event. A flashback can feel like you’re reliving the moment, causing intense fear or panic. For example, a veteran might hear a car backfire and suddenly feel as though they’re back on the battlefield. This can disrupt daily routines, making it hard to focus on work or enjoy time with loved ones.
Trauma Is Personal—So Is Your Healing
Everyone responds to trauma differently. Get the support you need to heal in a way that works for you. Compassionate trauma therapy is available in Los Angeles and Pasadena.
Trauma often invades sleep, leading to recurring nightmares that disrupt rest and heighten anxiety. This can result in chronic fatigue and a sense of dread around bedtime, leaving survivors exhausted and less equipped to handle daily challenges.
3. Anxiety and Hypervigilance
Survivors may feel constantly on edge, scanning their environment for potential threats. This state of hyperarousal can make it difficult to relax, concentrate, or engage in everyday activities like socializing or driving, turning ordinary moments into sources of stress.
4. Depression
Trauma can lead to feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or numbness. Survivors might withdraw from social interactions, lose interest in hobbies, or struggle with a pervasive sense of sadness, which can strain relationships and diminish their quality of life.
5. Avoidance
Many trauma survivors avoid places, people, or situations that remind them of the event. While this can provide temporary relief, it often limits their ability to live fully—perhaps avoiding a favorite park or skipping family gatherings—leading to isolation and missed opportunities.
6. Physical Symptoms
Trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it can also cause headaches, muscle tension, gastrointestinal issues, and a weakened immune system. These physical manifestations can make it harder to stay healthy or perform at work, adding another layer of struggle. This is because emotions like chronic anxiety are directly tied to our bodily state. When we hold that state (such as high muscle tension associated with anxiety) it changes the long-term structure of our bodies.
Each of these symptoms can make daily life feel like an uphill battle. Simple tasks, like going to work or socializing, may become daunting. Relationships can suffer as survivors struggle to connect with others while managing their internal turmoil. Over time, the weight of these symptoms can feel unbearable. Many people who have experienced any of these symptoms rightly wonder why their bodies respond this way and if it will ever change.
The Overflowing Dam: Defining Trauma
Why do some people experience trauma and not others, even following the same painful experience? To better understand how trauma happens, imagine a dam holding back a reservoir of water. The dam represents your coping mechanisms, social support, and emotional security—everything that helps you manage stress and return to a state of safety. The water symbolizes the stressors in your life, whether they’re everyday challenges or major life events.
Under normal circumstances, the dam holds strong. The water (stress) flows in, but your coping strategies and support systems contain it, preventing it from overwhelming you. However, when a stressor is too intense or prolonged—such as a traumatic event—the water surges, and the dam can no longer hold it back. The water spills over, flooding the surrounding area. This overflow is what we call trauma.
This concept is called allostatic load, which refers to the cumulative wear and tear on the body and mind when stress exceeds our ability to cope.
Then why do some have a trauma response and others don’t?
When the load becomes too great, our systems are overwhelmed, leading to trauma. Trauma, then, is not just about the event itself but about how it overwhelms our capacity to process and integrate the experience. It’s the point at which our emotional and psychological defenses are breached, leaving us feeling helpless, vulnerable, and unsafe.
In this way, trauma has to do with both the amount of “water” and the capacity of the “dam”. When a person has adequate coping skills, social supports, and emotional security (a large dam), they may recover well even from a highly stressful situation (heavy rainfall). When a person is unsupported, however, even the smallest amount of rain will be overwhelming. How a person experiences a traumatic event has to do with both the strength of internal resources and the strength of the stressor.
Trauma vs. PTSD: Key Differences
While trauma refers to the overwhelming experience and its immediate aftermath, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a specific mental health condition that can develop in some individuals after trauma. Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD, but for those who do, the symptoms are more persistent and debilitating.
PTSD is characterized by four main clusters of symptoms:
Intrusive memories: Flashbacks, nightmares, or distressing thoughts about the trauma that invade daily life.
Avoidance: Steering clear of reminders of the trauma, such as specific locations or conversations, which can shrink a person’s world.
Negative changes in mood and thinking: Feelings of hopelessness, detachment, or distorted beliefs about oneself or others that darken one’s outlook.
Hyperarousal: Being easily startled, feeling tense, or having difficulty sleeping, keeping the body and mind in a constant state of alert.
Using our dam analogy, if trauma is the moment the dam overflows, PTSD is like the floodwaters that never fully recede. The emotional and psychological impact lingers, and the person remains in a state of heightened distress, unable to return to their pre-trauma baseline. PTSD is a clinical diagnosis, requiring a specific set of symptoms lasting for more than a month, whereas trauma encompasses the broader initial response to an overwhelming event, whether or not it leads to PTSD.
Social Support Makes the Difference in Post-Trauma Recovery
Research consistently shows that social support plays a critical role in whether someone develops PTSD after trauma and how well they recover. Strong social networks can act as a buffer, helping individuals process their experiences and regain a sense of safety. Think of social support as reinforcements for the dam—friends, family, and community members who help shore up your emotional defenses.
Studies have found that:
Individuals with high levels of social support are less likely to develop PTSD and tend to recover more quickly. For example, a study in the Journal of Traumatic Stress showed that survivors of natural disasters with strong community ties had lower PTSD rates.
Conversely, a lack of support can worsen symptoms and prolong recovery, leaving survivors feeling isolated and more vulnerable to the lingering effects of trauma.
This highlights the importance of leaning on trusted loved ones during the healing process. Social support provides emotional validation, practical help, and a sense of belonging—all essential for rebuilding after the dam has been breached.
Trauma Therapy: Research-Backed Benefits
While social support is vital, many trauma survivors benefit from professional intervention, particularly trauma therapy. Evidence-based treatments like Somatic therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help survivors process their experiences, reduce symptoms, and regain control over their lives.
Research highlights clear differences between those who participate in trauma therapy and those who do not:
Symptom Reduction: Therapy participants often see a significant decrease in PTSD symptoms, such as flashbacks and anxiety, allowing them to reclaim parts of their lives lost to trauma.
Improved Coping Skills: Therapy provides tools to manage triggers and rebuild emotional resilience, empowering survivors to face challenges with greater confidence.
Enhanced Quality of Life: Those who engage in therapy report better relationships, improved work performance, and a greater sense of well-being compared to those who don’t seek help.
A meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found that trauma-focused therapies like Somatic Therapy and EMDR are highly effective. Many participants no longer meeting PTSD criteria after treatment. For those in Pasadena or nearby, seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena can be a crucial step toward healing.
Option 1: Somatic Therapy for Trauma: Healing Through the Body
What is Somatic Therapy?
Somatic therapy is built on the principle that trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it also gets stored in the body. This approach recognizes the deep connection between physical sensations and emotional experiences, suggesting that unresolved trauma can manifest as tension, pain, or other bodily symptoms. By focusing on these physical cues, somatic therapy aims to help individuals process and release trapped traumatic energy, fostering a sense of safety and wholeness.
Research-Backed Benefits of Somatic Therapy
Studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of somatic therapy for trauma recovery. For instance, research by Levine (2010) on somatic experiencing therapy found it significantly reduced PTSD symptoms in participants. A meta-analysis by van der Kolk et al. (2014) showed that body-oriented therapies can alleviate trauma-related distress, particularly for those who find traditional talk therapy challenging. These findings highlight somatic therapy’s ability to address both the emotional and physical aftermath of trauma.
What to Expect in Somatic Sessions
In a somatic therapy session, you’ll work with a trained therapist to tune into your body’s signals. You might start with a body scan, where you focus on different areas of your body to notice sensations like tightness or discomfort. The therapist may guide you through gentle movements or breathing exercises to release stored tension. Mindfulness practices are also common, helping you stay present and regulate your nervous system. The pace is gentle and tailored to your comfort, with the goal of rebuilding trust in your body’s natural responses.
Option 2: EMDR Therapy for Trauma: Reprocessing Painful Memories
What is EMDR Therapy?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured psychotherapy designed to help people process traumatic memories that feel “stuck.” Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR uses bilateral stimulation—like guided eye movements or alternating taps—to activate the brain’s ability to reprocess distressing memories. This stimulation mimics the brain’s natural healing during REM sleep, reducing the emotional intensity of the trauma over time.
Research-Backed Benefits of EMDR Therapy
EMDR is widely recognized as an effective trauma treatment, backed by robust research. The American Psychological Association endorses it as a top choice for PTSD, and a meta-analysis by Bisson et al. (2013) found it matches cognitive-behavioral therapy in reducing symptoms—sometimes working faster. Studies suggest EMDR can lessen the grip of flashbacks and anxiety, offering relief in fewer sessions for some, making it a powerful option for trauma survivors.
What to Expect in EMDR Sessions
An EMDR session typically lasts 60-90 minutes and follows a clear structure. You’ll begin by identifying a specific traumatic memory and the negative beliefs tied to it (e.g., “I’m powerless”). Then, while holding that memory in mind, you’ll engage in bilateral stimulation—perhaps following your therapist’s finger with your eyes or listening to alternating tones. This process repeats in short sets until the memory feels less overwhelming. Your therapist will check in regularly, ensuring you feel supported. Over multiple sessions, EMDR aims to transform how you experience that memory, easing its emotional weight.
Rebuilding After the Storm
Trauma is a profound and often life-altering experience, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By understanding the nature of trauma, recognizing its symptoms, and seeking the right support—whether through social networks or professional therapy—you can begin to rebuild your emotional dam and reclaim your life.
Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. Whether you’re grappling with the immediate aftermath of trauma or the long-term effects of PTSD, recovery is possible. With the right tools and support, you can weather the storm and emerge stronger on the other side.
You’ve felt the sting of a conversation with your partner that went nowhere—or worse, turned into a full-blown argument. Maybe you’ve tried to express how you feel, only to be met with silence, defensiveness, or a complete misunderstanding. Perhaps you’ve found yourself lying awake at night, wondering why you and your partner can’t seem to connect the way you used to.
You’re not alone in struggling with communication
Communication struggles are one of the most common challenges couples face, and they can leave you feeling frustrated, unheard, and disconnected from the person you love most.
Deep down, you might wish for something different: a relationship where
you feel truly listened to
disagreements don’t spiral out of control
you can share your needs without fear of rejection or judgment
both partners are safe, supportive, and strong
Yet you’re wondering if couples therapy could be the key to getting there:
“Does couples therapy work?”
“How does couples therapy help communication?”
In this article, we’ll explore 5 research-backed ways couples therapy has been shown to improve communication, making it easier for you and your partner to connect. For each, I’ll break down what the studies say in simple terms, link to the sources so you can dig deeper if you’d like, and share a practical example of how these skills can change your day-to-day life. By the end, you’ll have a clear picture of how therapy works and whether it might be worth a try for your relationship. Let’s dive in.
5 Research-Backed ways Couples Therapy Improves Communication
1. Builds Specific Communication Skills
What the Research Says
Couples therapy often starts by teaching practical skills like active listening (fully focusing on your partner and reflecting what they say) and “I” statements (sharing feelings without blame). A study on Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy (TBCT) found that couples saw a 30% increase in active listening and a 25% decrease in misunderstandings after therapy, compared to before treatment. These changes were measured through observed interactions, showing real improvement in how couples communicate. Check the study here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.
How Communication Skills Help Day-to-Day
Imagine you’ve had a rough day and just want to vent. Before marriage counseling, your partner might have been distracted—half-listening while scrolling their phone. You’d feel dismissed, maybe even invisible, and that could spark frustration or a quiet resentment. But now, with active listening skills, they set the phone down, look you in the eye, and ask, “What happened today?” As you talk, they nod and say, “That sounds exhausting.”
Inside, you feel a wave of relief—your stress doesn’t feel so heavy when it’s shared. You’re not just heard; you feel understood, and that validation calms your nerves. For your partner, focusing on you brings a quiet pride—they see your tension ease and feel closer to you, like they’re part of your world again. It’s a small moment, but it builds a sense of safety, making you both more willing to open up next time, and reducing the chance you’ll experience a familiar conflict with each other.
Talk Better. Listen Deeper. Connect More.
Couples therapy helps you build stronger communication and a more connected relationship. Start working with a therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena today.
Therapy helps you dig past surface frustrations to express what’s really going on—like a need for closeness or fear of rejection. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) excels at this, and a meta-analysis showed it leads to a large improvement in relationship satisfaction, with a Hedge’s g coefficient of 2.09—a significant leap compared to couples who didn’t get marriage counseling. This means deeper emotional sharing makes a measurable difference. See more here: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review.
How Emotional Expression Helps Day-to-Day
Picture a night where you feel miles apart from your partner, even sitting on the same couch. Before couples therapy, you might have stewed in silence, feeling lonely but unsure how to say it. That distance could fester into bitterness. Now, with EFT skills, you take a breath and say, “I feel lonely when we don’t really talk.” Your partner pauses, then replies, “I’ve been caught up in my head. I miss us too.”
For you, putting that vulnerability out there feels risky, but when they respond with care, a knot in your chest loosens—you feel seen, and the loneliness ebbs. Your partner feels a pang of recognition, then warmth as they realize they can bridge that gap. It’s not just about fixing the moment; it’s a quiet intimacy that grows, pulling you closer and making the relationship feel alive again.
3. Reduces Negative Communication Patterns
What the Research Says
Therapy targets toxic habits like criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling that poison conversations. A study on TBCT and Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) found a 40% reduction in critical remarks and a 35% decrease in defensive responses post-therapy, compared to pre-therapy levels. These shifts were significant and lasted over time, showing therapy can break those cycles. Details here: Observed Communication in Couples 2 years after Integrative and Traditional Behavioral Couple Therapy.
How Reducing Negative Communication Patterns Helps Day-to-Day
Say money’s tight, and you’re upset your partner splurged on something. Pre-therapy, you might snap, “You’re so reckless!”—and they’d bristle, “I work hard too!”—leaving you both raw and distant. Now, you try, “I’m worried about our budget—can we talk about this?” They take a beat, then say, “I didn’t mean to stress you out. Let’s figure it out.”
You feel a surge of hope—your concern isn’t a weapon, and that eases your anxiety. Your partner feels relief too; without the attack, they can drop their guard and engage. The air clears faster, and instead of a fight, you’re allies again. That shift makes you both feel respected, like you’re on the same side, turning a potential blowout into a moment of teamwork.
4. Promotes Empathy and Understanding
What the Research Says
Empathy—truly getting your partner’s perspective—can change everything. Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) helps couples build this, and a study showed a 50% increase in empathetic responses and a 45% improvement in understanding each other’s viewpoints after therapy, compared to before. Couples themselves said this was a game-changer. Read more: Client Perceptions of the Most and Least Helpful Aspects of Couple Therapy.
How Empathy Helps Day-to-Day
Imagine clashing over how to handle a moody teenager. Before therapy, you’d argue—your strictness versus their leniency—feeling judged and alone. Now, you say, “I get why you want to give them space,” and they reply, “I see why you’re worried about this.”
For you, hearing their side softens your frustration—you feel less like you’re fighting a solo battle. Your partner feels a spark of gratitude; your effort to understand lifts their defensiveness. Together, you feel a quiet solidarity, like you’re partners navigating this mess, not rivals. That mutual support makes the load lighter and the relationship steadier, even when you don’t fully agree.
5. Improves Conflict Resolution Skills
What the Research Says
Therapy turns conflicts into solvable problems, not relationship threats. A study on TBCT and IBCT found couples improved problem-solving skills by 60% and reported a 55% increase in satisfaction with conflict resolution after therapy, compared to pre-therapy struggles. These gains held up over time, proving lasting change. See the research: Improving relationships: mechanisms of change in couple therapy.
How Conflict Resolution Helps Day-to-Day
Think about planning a weekend. You want a quiet getaway; they crave a social outing. Before therapy, it’d spiral—both digging in, feeling ignored. Now, you say, “I need some calm—how about you?” They answer, “I want to see friends. Maybe we split the days?”
You feel a rush of optimism—your needs aren’t lost, and compromise feels possible. They feel energized, knowing their voice matters too. Working it out together builds a quiet confidence: you’re a team, not opponents. That harmony lingers, making you both feel valued and secure, like no disagreement can shake what you’ve got.
So, Does Couples Therapy Really Work?
If you’re asking: “Does couples therapy improve communication skills?” Here are the 5 main, research-supported outcomes you can expect in couples therapy:
30% increase in specific communication skills
Significant increase in satisfaction with emotional expression
30% reduction in negative communication
50% increase in empathy
60% increase in conflict resolution
So yes—it can, and the numbers back it up. Studies show 30-60% improvements in key communication areas like listening, empathy, and conflict resolution, with significant changes pre- and post-therapy. But it’s not magic—you both have to commit. If you do, the reward is a relationship where you feel heard, understood, and closer than ever.
If you’re tired of the same old fights or silences, therapy might be your next step. It’s not just for “broken” couples—it’s for anyone wanting better. Could these changes matter to you? Reflect on it, talk to your partner, or explore the studies linked above. Your relationship might thank you.
Your Next Step
Take a second to reflect. Are there moments in your relationship where communication hits a wall? Could you use a little help turning those moments into opportunities to connect? If so, consider talking to one of our therapists.
Trauma can weigh heavily on your life, leaving you feeling isolated and overwhelmed. You might experience vivid memories and nightmares or feel numb and disconnected. You may have a constant sense of anxiety while your body is holding tension and fatigue. If you’re reading this, you may be seeking a way to heal and reclaim your life.
You may have heard of EMDR, but you’re unsure if it’s the right choice for you. That uncertainty is completely understandable. Seeking help for trauma takes immense courage and finding a treatment that feels safe and effective is a deeply personal decision.
In this blog, we’ll explore what EMDR is, address common questions and hesitancies, examine different types of trauma, and dive into the effectiveness of EMDR therapy for trauma. By the end, you’ll have a clearer picture of how I conduct this therapy and whether or not this approach might support your healing journey. Let’s start by unpacking what EMDR is all about.
What is EMDR Therapy?
EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a therapy designed to help people process and heal from traumatic memories. It was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro, who noticed that certain eye movements seemed to lessen the intensity of distressing thoughts. From that discovery, EMDR has grown into a widely recognized treatment, particularly for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other trauma-related conditions.
The therapy unfolds in eight distinct phases:
History-taking: Your therapist learns about your trauma history and current challenges.
Preparation: You’re introduced to EMDR and equipped with coping tools to feel safe during the process.
Assessment: Together, you identify a specific traumatic memory to target and the negative beliefs tied to it.
Desensitization: Using bilateral stimulation—like guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones—you focus on the memory while your brain begins to reprocess it.
Installation: Positive beliefs are reinforced to replace the negative ones.
Body scan: You check for lingering physical sensations linked to the trauma.
Closure: The session ends with steps to ensure you feel stable and grounded.
Reevaluation: Progress is assessed in future sessions, addressing any remaining distress.
As an EMDR therapist, I prioritize gathering information and listening to your story thoroughly before we start the reprocessing and desensitization phases. One important aspect of the traumatic experiences that EMDR addresses is the beliefs we develop about ourselves as a result of these memories. For example, if you have experienced a natural disaster, you might hold beliefs such as “It was my fault” or “I should have known better” based on the specific memory that troubles you.
The core of EMDR lies in bilateral stimulation, which helps your brain rewire the traumatic memory and form new beliefs. This, in turn, reduces the traumatic memories’ emotional sting and allows you to move forward. But with any therapy, questions and doubts naturally arise—let’s address some of those next.
Heal Faster with EMDR Therapy
EMDR is a proven, effective approach for trauma recovery. Work with experienced EMDR therapists in Los Angeles or Pasadena and start seeing real change—safely and efficiently.
When considering EMDR, it’s normal to feel hesitant or curious. Trauma is deeply personal and entrusting your story to a new approach and therapist can feel daunting. Here are some common questions and concerns, along with answers to ease your mind:
How does EMDR actually work? While scientists are still pinpointing the exact mechanics, the theory is that bilateral stimulation mimics the brain’s natural processing during REM sleep. This helps “unlock” stuck traumatic memories, reducing their emotional power. It’s less about reliving the trauma and more about reframing it.
Will it work for my type of trauma? EMDR is versatile, helping with both single incidents (like an accident) and complex, repeated traumas (like ongoing abuse). Some worry it might be overwhelming, but it’s tailored to your pace—therapists often spend extra time preparing those with complex trauma to ensure comfort and safety.
What’s the process like? Sessions typically last 60-90 minutes, and the number varies based on your needs. For some, relief comes in just a few sessions; for others with layered trauma, it might take longer. It’s a structured yet flexible approach, guided by your progress.
These answers aim to clarify, but understanding the nature of your trauma can also shed light on how EMDR might help. Let’s explore that next.
Different Types of Trauma and Their Impact
Trauma isn’t one-size-fits-all—it varies in form and effect, shaping your brain and body in unique ways. Recognizing your trauma’s type can guide your treatment. Here are two key categories:
Single Traumatic Events These are one-time incidents—like a car accident, natural disaster, or assault—that can lead to PTSD. They’re often sudden, shattering your sense of safety. For example, someone who survived a robbery might relive the moment through flashbacks or avoid places that feel unsafe. Single traumas tend to imprint specific, intense memories, making them vivid but contained.
Recurrent Trauma This involves prolonged or repeated experiences, such as childhood abuse, domestic violence, or combat exposure. It can lead to complex PTSD, marked by deeper struggles like chronic shame, distrust, or emotional disconnection. Take someone who endured years of neglect—they might feel unworthy or struggle to form healthy relationships. Recurrent trauma weaves into your identity, altering how you see yourself and the world.
The brain responds differently to these. Single traumas might hyperactivate your amygdala (the fear center), triggering fight-or-flight responses to specific cues. Recurrent trauma, though, can dysregulate your entire stress system, leaving you in a constant state of alertness or numbness. EMDR addresses both, adapting to the trauma’s complexity—whether it’s desensitizing a single memory or untangling a web of pain.
In my training, I learned that our “memory network” resembles a forest filled with various trees. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) focuses on each traumatic memory, helping you to uncover the root beliefs you hold in your mind based on your experiences. While some of these memory networks, or “trees,” keep you safe, others can leave you feeling trapped in a confusing and fearful forest.
EMDR Therapy for Trauma: How Effective Is It?
Now, let’s focus on EMDR therapy for trauma—a search term worth exploring because it captures a powerful question: Can this really help me heal? The answer, backed by research, is a resounding yes. EMDR has transformed lives, and its effectiveness is well-documented.
Impressive Success Rates Studies show EMDR works fast and well. For single-trauma victims, up to 90% no longer meet PTSD criteria after just three 90-minute sessions. For those with multiple traumas, 77% achieve similar freedom after six sessions (PTSD UK). These numbers reflect real relief—less fear, fewer nightmares, more peace.
Research-Backed Results A meta-analysis by Lee and Cuijpers (2013) highlighted the eye movement component’s moderate effect size, proving its role in memory processing. Another by Chen et al. (2014) found EMDR outperforms control conditions, with large effect sizes—meaning it’s not just effective, it’s highly effective. A study by Rothbaum (1997) even showed EMDR reducing PTSD symptoms in sexual assault survivors.
On Par with Top Therapies EMDR holds its own against gold-standard treatments. Research by Seidler and Wagner (2006) confirmed it’s as effective as trauma-focused CBT, giving you options without sacrificing results.
What do these “effect sizes” mean? A moderate one suggests you’d feel better than 69% of untreated people; a large one, better than 84%. That’s a tangible shift—less emotional weight, more room to breathe. Major organizations like the World Health Organization (WHO) and American Psychological Association (APA) endorse EMDR, cementing its credibility.
For EMDR therapy for trauma, the evidence is clear: it’s a proven path to healing, whether your trauma is a single blow or a long shadow. But is it right for you? That’s where a skilled therapist comes in.
Is EMDR Right for You?
If EMDR therapy for trauma feels like a possibility, the next step is as simple as it is brave: talk to a qualified therapist. They can assess your unique story and determine if EMDR fits. This therapy has lifted the burden of trauma for countless people, offering a way to process pain without reliving it endlessly. You don’t have to carry this alone—healing is within reach. Reach out to an EMDR-trained professional to explore what’s possible for you.
Take the next right step
Explore EMDR therapy with a qualified therapist today by clicking the button below. Finding your path towards healing is one phone call away.
When you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted deeply, everything you thought you knew about your relationship, and even yourself, can feel shattered. The pain isn’t something you just “get over.” It lingers in your body, in your thoughts, in your sleep. You may be asking: How long will it hurt like this?
What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?
If you’re wondering ‘how long to recover from infidelity’ or ‘what percentage of couples recover from infidelity,’ research shows timelines of 2-5 years, with couples therapy improving success rates to 57%.
Most people don’t realize it, but healing from infidelity typically takes anywhere from two to three years. And even then, the process isn’t linear. Some days feel manageable, others knock the wind out of you. The timeline depends on several factors: the type of betrayal, whether the partner takes responsibility, and whether there’s therapeutic support. We see couples who face infidelity often in our Pasadena Office, and we have experienced firsthand the couples who are able to recover and those who struggle with having the conversation. And we want to share with you our thoughts from our over 10 years of experience in Pasadena, as well as the outcomes of the research on this topic.
In this article, we’ll walk through what really happens after the discovery of an affair, why it hurts so much, what influences your healing pace, and how therapy can offer a path forward, whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Why Infidelity Hurts So Much (And Why It Feels Like Trauma)
When someone you trust betrays you, it doesn’t just “hurt.” It shatters something inside. Many people describe infidelity as a kind of emotional earthquake; the ground you stood on suddenly breaks apart, and you’re left wondering what was ever real.
It’s not just the cheating that hurts. It’s the lies. The rewriting of history. The erosion of safety. Infidelity, whether emotional, physical, or both, strikes at the foundation of your sense of self, your attachment, and your ability to trust again.
That’s why the pain lingers. That’s why your mind keeps replaying conversations or checking phone records. And that’s why, even if your partner says “I’m sorry,” your body might still feel frozen, triggered, or anxious.
You’re not being dramatic. You’re responding to trauma.
Infidelity Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?
Healing from infidelity is a deeply personal journey, but research provides some timelines to guide you. With couples therapy, recovery typically takes 2-3 years, offering a 57% success rate for staying together. Without therapy, it often stretches to 3-5 years or more, with only a 20% success rate. Below, we explore these paths to help you find clarity and hope.
Factors That Shape Your Healing Timeline
Healing after infidelity isn’t just about getting over what happened. It’s about processing it, emotionally, cognitively, somatically, and making meaning out of the chaos. Several things can shape how long that takes:
Was this a one-time betrayal or a repeated pattern?
A single disclosure is painful. But when the betrayal was hidden for years or happened again and again, the healing may need to go deeper.
Has the unfaithful partner taken real accountability?
Recovery begins when there’s truth-telling, not defensiveness. If your partner minimizes, blames you, or avoids questions, healing can stall.
Are you both getting support?
Individual or couples therapy can dramatically affect the pace and depth of healing. Doing this alone is not only exhausting — it can keep you stuck in cycles of blame and confusion.
Are you working through prior wounds too?
If you or your partner has unresolved trauma, attachment wounds, or trust issues from the past, the affair may reopen older pains and require a layered healing approach. There’s no “normal” response to betrayal. But the more resourced, supported, and emotionally honest the healing space is, the more room there is for actual repair.
Discovering infidelity is an emotional tsunami.
The pain is raw, the betrayal cuts deep, and you’re left reeling in a storm of emotions. You might feel anger burning through you, sadness weighing you down, or confusion clouding every choice. Questions swirl endlessly:
Why did this happen?
Can I ever trust again?
Is our relationship even worth saving?
How long will it take to heal from infidelity?
Countless couples have faced this heartbreak, and I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s hard. In my practice in Pasadena, CA, I’ve seen couples struggle with even coming in to couples therapy to address it in my office. One partner feels raw and exposed, and the other is terrified to hear just how angry the other is. It takes a lot of courage and care to come in and begin to talk about it.
Right now, you might wonder if your entire relationship was a lie. Maybe you blame yourself or search for signs you missed. The ache hits hard—every glance at your partner stings. Infidelity doesn’t just break trust; it shatters your security, your self-worth, and the story you built together. Sleep slips away, conversations turn explosive, and the future feels uncertain.
You ask, “How could they do this to me?” while your partner might grapple with guilt or shame, wondering, “Can I fix this? Will they let me try?”
What you need most is clarity, support, and hope that this pain won’t last forever. Healing is possible, but it’s personal—there’s no universal timeline. Some couples turn to couples therapy (also known as marriage counseling or couples counseling) as a lifeline through the chaos. Others rely on their own strength, choosing to go it alone.
Both paths can work, but they differ in pace, process, and outcomes. In this article, we’ll explore these two journeys—couples therapy and no therapy—offering a glimpse into the emotional landscape of rebuilding after betrayal, backed by research to guide you.
The Stages of Healing from Infidelity
Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It comes in waves, and it tends to follow a few emotional phases, especially if therapy is involved. These stages aren’t steps you tick off — they’re experiences that overlap, return, and reshape you.
1. Discovery & Shock (First few days to 3 months)
This is the moment everything changes. Whether it was a confession or a discovery, this stage is marked by emotional chaos — disbelief, numbness, panic, rage. Your nervous system may be in survival mode. It’s normal to feel disoriented, struggle to sleep, and question everything.
2. Grief & Search for Meaning (1 to 6 months)
You start asking: Why did this happen? Was it me? What does this mean about us? You may demand details, obsess over timelines, or compare yourself to the other person. It’s all part of trying to regain control. This stage can be intense and recurring, especially if there’s gaslighting, half-truths, or unclear communication.
3. Establishing Safety (3 to 9 months)
This is where boundaries are drawn. Maybe passwords are shared. Or contact with the affair partner ends. Maybe space is needed. Regardless, safety is emotional, not just logistical — it’s about rebuilding a sense of “I’m okay here.” For many, this phase marks a turning point toward stabilization, though it can take time.
4. Rebuilding or Releasing (6 months to 2+ years)
Some couples choose to stay and begin the work of rebuilding. Others realize that staying means betraying themselves. Both paths require courage. Both deserve support. This phase often includes deeper therapy, structured rebuilding, or navigating separation in a conscious, supported way.
5. Integration & Redefinition (1.5 to 5 years)
If you stay together, this is where a new relationship slowly forms. Not a return to the past — but something more honest, more awake. If you part, this is where healing becomes personal — reclaiming trust in yourself, your instincts, and love again. You might not feel fully “over it,” but you’ll notice that it no longer runs your life.
Couples Therapy After Infidelity vs. No Therapy
When infidelity strikes, you face a choice: seek couples therapy or navigate recovery solo. Both demand courage and time, but their success rates and experiences vary widely. Couples therapy often boosts recovery odds, with studies showing lower divorce rates and faster healing—thanks to professional guidance and structure. Going without therapy can work, but it’s tougher, longer, and less certain, with higher risks of divorce due to miscommunication and lack of support. Let’s dive into each path, imagining you and your partner trying to mend what’s broken.
The Couples Therapy Pathway: A Quicker way to Heal from Infidelity
Success Rate: 57% Timeline: 2-3 Years
Couples therapy provides a guided path—a space where a professional helps you rebuild step by step. Research shows it typically takes 2-3 years, often leading to stronger bonds and better outcomes.
1. Deciding to Seek Couples Therapy
The affair’s out, and you’re lost in shock. You book that first couples therapy session, nervous but hopeful. Walking in feels raw, but there’s a chance for clarity.
2. Early Sessions: A Safe Space for Raw Emotion
You sit apart, barely meeting eyes. The therapist draws out your pain—your hurt, your rage. Your partner shares their regret. It’s messy, but contained. You feel heard, even if trust is far off.
3. Unpacking the Affair: Facing the Why
Months pass, and you dig into the roots. Was it a gap between you—intimacy, attention—or their own struggles? It hurts to uncover this, but it’s a step toward prevention. You argue, you cry, but you move forward.
4. Rebuilding Trust: Small Steps, Big Effort
Trust builds slowly. Your partner shares openly—phone access, honest answers. You learn to voice your needs. Some days feel hopeful; others, doubt lingers. Progress shows.
5. Emotional Healing: Letting Go and Coming Closer
A year or two into couples therapy, the pain softens. You reconnect—tentative laughs, fragile intimacy. Setbacks hit, but therapy guides you through. Forgiveness or acceptance emerges.
6. Long-Term Growth: A New Chapter
After 2-3 years, you’re a team again. Your bond is deeper, communication stronger. It was hard, but worth it.
What the Research Says on Recovery with Couples Therapy:
43% Divorce Rate for Revealed Infidelity: Couples in couples therapy have a 57% chance of staying together (Marin et al., 2014).
33% Recovery Rate by Therapy’s End: One-third feel fully healed post-therapy (Atkins et al., 2005).
75% Success Rate with Gottman Method: This approach excels in early trials (Gottman & Silver, 2013).
Schedule a Couples Consult Call
Struggling with the uncertainty, the anger, and loss after infidelity? We help couples recover from ruptures like infidelity.
We’ll start by creating a clear understanding of the rupture in your relationship, and create a plan to address the situation and move toward healing.
It’s time for your relationship to heal. Reach out and schedule a consultation with one of our couples therapists in Pasadena this week:
The No-Therapy Pathway: Extending the timeline of healing infidelity
Success Rate: 20% Timeline: 3-5 Years or More
Choosing to heal without couples therapy relies on your resilience and resources. It can take 3-5 years or longer, with greater challenges and lower success rates due to the lack of expert support.
1. Deciding to Go It Alone
Couples therapy isn’t an option—cost or comfort—and you commit to fixing it yourselves. It’s just you two, facing the wreckage, hoping love holds.
2. Emotional Turmoil: No Filter, No Guide
Early on, it’s chaos. Anger flares, tears fall. Your partner explains, but it’s shouting or silence. Without a mediator, you’re stuck in loops.
3. Communication Struggles: Finding Words in the Dark
Talking is tough—questions feel like attacks. They defend, you withdraw. You want progress, but the path’s unclear.
4. Trial and Error: Piecing It Together
You try books or forums, set rules—no secrets, more check-ins. Sometimes it clicks; often, it fails. It’s draining, but you persist.
5. Slow Progress: Two Steps Forward, One Back
Years in, wounds scar. Trust grows through effort—small wins. Talking gets easier, but setbacks test you. It’s slow going.
6. Potential Outcomes: Healing or Breaking
After 3-5 years, you might stand stronger—or apart. Some heal; others falter. Resentment can linger without help.
What the Research Says about Recovery without Couples Therapy:
80% Divorce Rate for Secret Infidelity: Hidden affairs spike divorce odds (Marin et al., 2014).
Recovery Often Exceeds 2-3 Years: Solo healing stretches longer (Affair Recovery).
Comparison of Recovery Paths
Recovery Aspect
With Therapy
Without Therapy
Success Rate
57-75%
20%
Timeline
2-3 years
3-5+ years
Divorce Rate
43%
80% (secret affairs)
Quick facts on Healing From Infidelity
Couples Therapy Might Suit You If: You need structure or expert help to rebuild trust faster.
No Therapy Might Work If: You’re tough, talk well, and have support—but expect a longer road.
Couples therapy offers a 2-3-year shot at a stronger bond, with over half surviving. Solo healing might take 3-5 years, with more uncertainty but real potential. It’s messy, but doable. Grab what you need—a therapist, a friend, this article—and trust brighter days await.
What If the Affair Was Emotional, Not Physical?
Many people think infidelity has to involve sex to count. It doesn’t. Emotional affairs can be just as painful, sometimes even more.
Why? Because emotional betrayal often involves a deeper level of intimacy. Secrets. Vulnerability. Longing that should’ve been reserved for the partner.
If your partner was confiding in someone else, fantasizing about a life with them, or developing a connection that excluded you, it’s natural to feel betrayed, even if nothing “physical” happened. The pain is real. And it deserves space to be processed.
How Couples Therapy Works: Exploring Restoration Couples Therapy and the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern
If you’re considering couples therapy (or marriage counseling/couples counseling), understanding how it works can help you decide if it’s right for you. Below, we explore Restoration Couples Therapy, a specialized approach for infidelity recovery, and the pursue-withdraw pattern, a dynamic that therapy can address.
Restoration Couples Therapy: Rebuilding Through Empathy and Accountability
Restoration Couples Therapy is a tailored form of couples counseling designed to heal infidelity by focusing on identifying the couple’s pain cycle and creating a peace cycle. Here’s how it unfolds:
Creating a Safe Space: The therapist fosters a neutral environment where both partners can share openly—your pain, their guilt—without judgment.
Processing the Betrayal: Guided discussions help you explore the affair’s emotional impact. The betrayed partner voices hurt; the unfaithful partner learns its depth.
Accountability and Transparency: The unfaithful partner commits to honesty—answering questions, showing consistency—to rebuild trust.
Rebuilding Intimacy: Over time, the therapist introduces ways to restore connection, helping you rediscover closeness.
Long-Term Healing: Tools like better communication prevent future betrayals, strengthening your bond.
This approach excels in infidelity recovery by addressing trust and emotional safety directly.
Is Couples Therapy Right for You?
Whether you choose couples therapy, marriage counseling, or couples counseling, approaches like Restoration Couples Therapy offer a structured way to heal from infidelity in 2-3 years. Going it alone is possible but often takes 3-5 years with more risks. The decision is yours—healing is a journey, and whether with a therapist or on your own, brighter days are within reach.
Start Couples Therapy for Infidelity Today
Here Counseling provides couples therapy in Pasadena, CA for couples who have experienced infidelity, addiction, or separation.
Right now, you’re worried where your relationship is headed. You’re up at night, and your relationship is filled with both heated conflict and icy distance. As difficult as this is, you worry it could get worse. You wish you had help to move past this intolerable pain.
You can create good, honest dialogue in your relationship again. Our licensed and pre-licensed couples therapists have the experience and training to help you. We understand what it takes to heal and create a plan for success in your relationship. Reach out to us below.
Frequently Asked Questions about Recovering from Infidelity
How Long Does It Take to Heal from Infidelity with Couples Therapy?
Healing from infidelity with couples therapy typically takes 2-3 years, focusing on processing betrayal, rebuilding trust, and improving communication. Research like Marin et al. (2014) shows therapy accelerates recovery, with many couples emerging stronger.
What Is the Infidelity Recovery Timeline?
The infidelity recovery timeline spans 2-5 years: 2-3 years with therapy (stages like shock, grief, and rebuilding) versus 3-5+ years without. Factors include therapy involvement and partner commitment.
What Percentage of Couples Recover from Infidelity?
About 57% of couples recover from infidelity and stay together, per Marin et al. (2014), rising to 75% with methods like Gottman Therapy. Therapy boosts success, while secret affairs lead to 80% divorce rates.
What to Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity
In couples therapy after infidelity, expect sessions building safety, processing grief, and restoring trust over 6-12 months initially. Using EFT or Gottman methods, you’ll gain tools for empathy and preventing relapses.
Does Couples Therapy Work After Cheating?
Yes, couples therapy works after cheating, with 57-75% success rates in rebuilding relationships (Marin et al., 2014; Gottman). It addresses trauma and communication, far outperforming unassisted recovery (20% success).
How Long to Recover from Infidelity?
Recovery from infidelity takes 2-5 years: shorter (2-3 years) with therapy focusing on trust rebuilding, longer without. Success reaches 57%, influenced by disclosure and emotional work.
How Long Does It Take to Get Over Infidelity?
Getting over infidelity takes 2-5 years, with initial grief easing in 1-6 months and full healing in 1-3 years via therapy. Patience and commitment are key, per studies showing 57% recovery rates.
Citations
Marin, R. A., et al. (2014). Couple and Family Psychology, 3(1), 1-12. DOI:10.1037/cfp0000012
Atkins, D. C., et al. (2005). Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144-150. DOI:10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2013). What Makes Love Last?ISBN:9781451608489
An EMDR tapping exercise with a trained EMDR therapist helps address relational trauma: painful experiences like abuse, neglect, or betrayal from someone close. You might struggle with trusting others, feel unworthy of love, or find intimacy challenging. These effects can linger, disrupting your relationships and sense of self.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy offers a way to process these memories, and a specific technique, Knee Tapping, uses alternating taps on the knees to help your brain rewire its response to trauma. If you’re considering EMDR tapping to heal from relational trauma, this guide will walk you through the challenges, a home exercise, and what to expect in therapy.
Understanding the Challenges of EMDR Tapping for Relational Trauma
Starting EMDR tapping can feel intimidating, especially when relational trauma has shaped your worldview. Here are the main pain points you might encounter:
Difficulty Trusting Others: After being hurt by someone close, opening up to a therapist can feel risky. You might wonder if they’ll truly understand or support you.
Fear of Revisiting Painful Memories: The idea of facing those moments again might make you hesitate. What if the pain feels unbearable?
Emotional Overwhelm: Processing trauma can stir up intense feelings—anger, sadness, or fear—that might seem hard to control.
Shame and Self-Blame: Relational trauma often leaves you questioning your worth or blaming yourself for what happened, making it tough to feel deserving of healing.
Wanting Quick Relief: You might crave fast results, but healing is a gradual journey, which can feel frustrating.
These struggles are normal, and Knee Tapping EMDR is designed to address them gently. With a skilled therapist, you’ll process trauma at a pace that feels safe, reducing its hold over time.
A Simple EMDR Tapping Exercise for Home Practice
While professional guidance is key for EMDR therapy, you can try a simplified EMDR tapping exercise at home to build calm and resilience. This technique, inspired by bilateral stimulation, isn’t a replacement for therapy but can support you between sessions.
Here’s how to do it:
Settle In: Find a quiet, comfortable spot to sit where you won’t be disturbed.
Choose a Positive Resource: Think of something that makes you feel safe and calm—a peaceful place (like a beach), a supportive person, or a happy memory.
Start Tapping: Gently tap your knees alternately—left, right, left, right—at a slow, steady rhythm (about one tap per second).
Focus: As you tap, picture your positive resource. Notice the details—sights, sounds, feelings—and let them sink in.
Pause and Reflect: After 2-3 minutes, stop tapping, take a deep breath, and check in with yourself. How do you feel?
Check-in: If you feel overwhelmed, repeat steps 2-5 to help cool down and return to safety.
This Knee Tapping EMDR exercise helps your brain shift focus to a soothing state. If negative thoughts creep in, gently guide your mind back to your resource. Use it as a tool to feel grounded, not as a fix for deep trauma—that’s where therapy comes in.
It is important to note that you should not try to reprocess a traumatic event without the presence of a trained EMDR therapist who specializes in EMDR tapping. Trying to process traumatic memories through tapping without the presence of a clinician could lead to symptomatic behaviors like disassociation and re-traumatization.
What to Expect in EMDR Therapy: Preparation and Sessions
EMDR therapy is a structured process that starts with preparation and moves into active trauma processing. Here’s what you can expect:
1. Preparation Phase (Around 4 Sessions)
The first few sessions—typically around four—focus on laying a strong foundation:
Building Trust: Your therapist will get to know you, creating a safe space. This is crucial if relational trauma makes trust hard.
Learning the Process: They’ll explain how EMDR tapping works and what to expect, answering any questions.
Developing Coping Skills: You’ll learn techniques like deep breathing or visualization to manage distress during and after sessions.
Planning: Together, you’ll identify the traumatic memories you want to target, ensuring you’re ready to process them.
This phase might take longer if trust or safety needs more time to establish, which is common with relational trauma.
2. EMDR Sessions
Once prepared, you’ll begin the core EMDR work:
Targeting a Memory: You’ll focus on a specific relational trauma memory—say, a moment of betrayal—recalling how it felt emotionally and physically.
Bilateral Stimulation: Your therapist will guide you through Knee Tapping EMDR, tapping your knees alternately (or using another method like eye movements) while you hold the memory in mind.
Processing: As you tap, your brain starts reprocessing the memory. You might notice the emotions soften or new insights emerge.
Checking In: Sessions last 60-90 minutes, and your therapist will ensure you feel stable before ending, using coping skills if needed.
You might need several sessions per memory, depending on its intensity. Emotions can surface—sadness, relief, even exhaustion—but your therapist will support you, keeping the process manageable.
If relational trauma has left you feeling stuck, Knee Tapping EMDR could be a path to freedom. The home exercise offers a taste of calm, but true healing comes from working with a trained therapist. The journey might feel daunting—trusting again, facing memories, riding emotional waves—but it’s worth it. You’re not alone, and recovery is within reach. Reach out to an EMDR professional to explore how EMDR tapping can help you reclaim your life and relationships.
Pelvic floor therapy targets the muscles, ligaments, and connective tissues that support your pelvic organs—think bladder, bowels, and reproductive system. These structures play a starring role in everyday functions like urination, digestion, and even sexual health. Problems here can affect anyone, regardless of gender, and can throw a wrench into your quality of life. In a recent interview, Dr. Rachel Daof, a pelvic floor physical therapist at Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, sat down with Dr. Connor McClenahan to unpack this essential yet often overlooked topic.
What Pelvic Floor Therapy Can Do for You
Pelvic floor therapy tackles a surprising variety of issues that might be disrupting your daily routine. Dr. Daof sums it up with a memorable phrase: “We help with pee, poo, and pleasure.” Here’s a closer look at the common challenges it addresses:
Urinary Incontinence: Ever leak a little when you cough, sneeze, or hit the gym? That’s more common than you might think.
Bowel Dysfunction: Struggles like constipation or fecal incontinence can be tough to talk about, but they’re treatable.
Pelvic Pain: Discomfort in the genital, anal, or lower abdominal areas can stem from muscle tension or injury.
Sexual Health Challenges: Pain during intimacy, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation can all tie back to pelvic floor issues.
These problems don’t discriminate—they can affect people of all ages and genders, often triggered by things like childbirth, trauma, or even prolonged stress. The good news? They’re not something you have to just live with.
Pelvic Floor Therapy is About Safety
At Pelvic Model Physical Therapy, the treatment process is all about creating safety. It starts with a conversation—a detailed chat about your symptoms and history. Dr. Daof stresses that consent is non-negotiable: “We make sure patients are comfortable with every step.” Depending on what you’re dealing with, the next phase might involve an internal exam to check how those pelvic muscles are functioning. Don’t worry—these are done with care and always with your boundaries in mind.
From there, the team crafts a plan tailored just for you, targeting any weaknesses or tightness in the pelvic floor. “We want them to feel safe in our environment, with our presence, and with the manual therapy,” Dr. Daof explains. That sense of safety isn’t just a bonus—it’s what’s actually required for the muscles and nervous system to elongate and heal.
Pelvic Guarding and Kegel Exercises
Dr. Daof uses a simple yet powerful analogy to illustrate why pelvic floor issues often go beyond a lack of strength: imagine trying to clench your fist tightly for hours on end. Eventually, the muscles tire out, becoming so fatigued that they can no longer contract effectively, even if you want them to. This is similar to what happens with an overly tight or hypertonic pelvic floor. When these muscles are chronically tense—whether from stress, poor posture, or overcompensation—they lose their ability to relax and then contract properly. It’s not a matter of weakness but rather a state of exhaustion or dysfunction.
This is why Kegel exercises, which focus on strengthening through repeated contractions, often fall short or even worsen the problem. For many, the pelvic floor doesn’t need more tension; it needs release, retraining, and balance to restore its natural function. This points to the need to relax, elongate and understand the chronic tension we carry.
Emotional History Impacts Pelvic Floor Muscles
Here’s where it gets interesting: your pelvic health isn’t just about muscles—it’s tied to your emotions, too. Dr. Daof points out that experiences like childhood shame or trauma can show up years later as physical issues. Imagine a kid taught to “hold it in” because of strict rules or embarrassment. Over time, that habit can turn into chronic muscle tension down below.
That’s why pelvic floor therapy often takes a holistic approach, sometimes teaming up with psychotherapists to tackle both the physical and emotional sides of healing. It’s not just about fixing a symptom—it’s about understanding the whole picture to get lasting results.
Create Safety and Healing
If any of this sounds familiar—whether it’s a little leak or a nagging pain—know that you’ve got options. Pelvic floor physical therapy can make a real difference, and there’s no reason to let embarrassment keep you from getting help. Dr. Daof and her team are here to guide you with expertise and compassion.
We believe emotional and physical healing are 2 sides of the same coin. The pain you experience creates an emotional stamp that’s felt by both your internal world of relationships and self, as well as your body’s muscular and nervous system. Whichever side of the tunnel you approach it – whether with a psychotherapist or with a pelvic floor therapist – we know the healing is worth reaching out.
Brain Mapping and Neurofeedback at Vital Brain Health
What’s Happening Under the Hood
The brain is more than just the seat of our thoughts—it’s a dynamic organ where hardware (neural structures) and software (thought patterns) interact. At Vital Brain Health, advanced tools like EEG-based brain mapping and neurofeedback allow clinicians to peek into this hardware, revealing how brain waves and regions influence behavior. Brain mapping involves placing a cap with sensors on the scalp to record electrical activity over 20 minutes—10 with eyes open, 10 with eyes closed—creating a “movie” of the brain at rest. This isn’t about static images like an MRI; it’s about function, showing how areas fire and connect in real time. Neurofeedback builds on this by training the brain to adjust those patterns, using visual feedback (like a Netflix show that distorts when waves go off-track) to encourage healthier rhythms.
Why It Matters
Understanding the brain’s wiring offers a new lens on struggles like focus, anxiety, or emotional regulation. Rather than seeing these as personal failings, they can be viewed as biological responses—sometimes to stress, sometimes to inherited tendencies. This approach doesn’t just label issues; it provides a roadmap for change, empowering individuals to work with their brain’s natural plasticity.
The Neurology Behind ADHD-Like Focus Issues
Beyond the Label: What’s Really Going On
ADHD is often diagnosed through behavioral checklists—16 questions about focus or impulsivity—but this surface-level approach misses the deeper story. Neurologically, attention relies on the prefrontal cortex, which handles planning, impulse control, and sequential thinking (e.g., “Do A, then B”). Under stress or trauma, blood flow shifts away from this region to the amygdala and limbic system, prioritizing survival over organization. This can manifest as fast brain waves in the prefrontal cortex slowing down, or the amygdala over-firing, keeping someone in a reactive, high-arousal state. For a child, this might look like outbursts or distraction; for an adult, it’s losing track of tasks. The catch? These symptoms mimic ADHD but may stem from entirely different causes—like a tough life transition or chronic anxiety.
State vs. Trait: How Focus Issues Evolve
A “state” is a temporary reaction—like struggling to focus during a stressful week—while a “trait” is a wired-in tendency, shaped by prolonged experience. When stress persists (think post-COVID isolation or a family crisis), neurons fire together repeatedly, strengthening pathways that favor reactivity over focus. Over time, the prefrontal cortex might become “sluggish,” less efficient at sending inhibitory signals to calm the limbic system, while the amygdala stays on high alert. This isn’t a permanent flaw—it’s an adaptation that can be reframed and retrained.
Reframing the Struggle
Instead of “I can’t focus because I’m broken,” try: “My brain’s in a high-arousal state, reacting to something real.” This shifts blame from character to context. For example, a child labeled ADHD might have a prefrontal cortex overwhelmed by a traumatic move, not a disorder. Recognizing this opens doors to targeted solutions beyond medication—like addressing the root stress or using neurofeedback to boost prefrontal efficiency.
Practical Takeaway
If focus feels off, check your arousal level. Too drowsy or too wired (shaky, restless)? Both tank attention. Try a quick reset: a brisk walk if you’re sluggish, or a minute of slow breathing if you’re amped up. It’s not about forcing focus—it’s about tuning your brain’s engine.
Shared Trauma and Its Impact on the Brain
The Collective Experience
Trauma isn’t always personal—it can ripple through families or communities. Take a city hit by wildfires: homes lost, schools gone, cafes erased. This collective shock disrupts everyone’s sense of safety, sending limbic systems into overdrive. The amygdala ramps up, scanning for threats, while the prefrontal cortex dials back, reducing patience and impulse control. A parent might snap more easily, a child’s tantrums might spike—not because they’re “bad,” but because their brains are syncing to a shared stress signal. Post-COVID lockdowns showed this too: isolation and fear spiked arousal levels, leading to a surge in ADHD-like symptoms and medication shortages.
The Neurological Ripple Effect
In these scenarios, the brain’s wiring reflects the group dynamic. Hypervigilance—seen in fast “lambda waves” at the back of the head—might drive constant scanning, even in safe settings. This isn’t voluntary; it’s the visual cortex over-connecting to the amygdala, creating a feedback loop of alertness. For a family, this might mean everyone’s on edge, amplifying each other’s reactivity. It’s a collective “buzz” that can persist, turning a temporary state into a trait if unchecked.
Reframing the Impact
Rather than “Why are we all falling apart?” consider: “Our brains are carrying a shared load.” This perspective reduces guilt—parents aren’t failing, kids aren’t defiant; they’re adapting to a shaken world. It’s a call to see behavior as a signal, not a sentence.
Practical Takeaway
Break the buzz with a collective pause. A family walk, a silly game, or even a group deep-breath session can lower arousal across the board. It’s not about erasing trauma—it’s about giving everyone’s brain a moment to recalibrate together.
How Relationships Wire Our Brain
The Social Synapse
Our brains are built for connection. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t just manage tasks—it relies on relationships to regulate emotions and behavior. A child’s meltdown often eases with a calm adult nearby because their brain “borrows” that stability, a process tied to mirror neurons—cells that mimic others’ states. But if those systems are offline (e.g., less right-brain activity), bonding can feel elusive, even with effort. A parent might nurture tirelessly, yet the child struggles to connect—not due to lack of love, but a difference in wiring.
From Parent to Child, Spouse to Spouse
This wiring starts early and never stops. A preoccupied parent—say, distracted by a phone—might leave a child’s prefrontal cortex without that external “shushing” signal, letting limbic reactivity run wild. In adults, a stressed partner’s withdrawal can trigger the same loop in their spouse. Over time, these interactions shape traits: a child’s self-regulation might falter without consistent co-regulation, or an adult’s anxiety might spike without a steady anchor. It’s not blame—it’s biology.
Rewiring Through Neurofeedback
Here’s the hope: neurofeedback can shift these patterns. By placing sensors over key regions (like an overactive amygdala), clinicians guide the brain to slow its waves—think 900-1000 reps in a 20-minute session, all while watching a show. Over weeks, this builds a new trait: less reactivity, more calm. It’s like teaching a jittery cat to trust safety, compressing years of change into months.
Reframing Connection
Swap “They’re distant because they don’t care” with “Their brain might need help feeling safe.” This fosters patience and curiosity—maybe it’s not rejection, but a wiring hiccup you can address together.
Practical Takeaway
Boost your brain’s social wiring with daily check-ins—a quick chat with a friend or loved one. If connection feels strained, try co-regulation: sit quietly together, syncing breaths. Small moments can rewire big patterns.
Strategies for Change
Understanding Your Baseline The Yerkes-Dodson law—a bell curve of arousal vs. performance—shows optimal focus lies in the middle. Too low (drowsy), and you’re foggy; too high (manic), and you’re scattered. Brain mapping reveals your baseline—say, a fast-firing thalamus inherited from a parent, pushing you toward high arousal. Knowing this helps you target the real issue.
Breaking the Loop For rumination—linked to the anterior cingulate, the brain’s “Chihuahua” that won’t stop chewing—distraction works wonders. When stuck on “Did I mess up?” write it down, then shift to a tactile task (e.g., folding laundry). It’s not avoidance—it’s giving your brain a new toy.
Leveraging Neurofeedback Available in-office or via at-home sensors, neurofeedback targets specific waves (e.g., slowing fast alpha for anxiety). After 40 sessions over four months, many see 30-50% improvement—focus sharpens, reactivity fades. It’s a game-changer for stubborn traits.
Embracing Collective Support Share your journey—tell a friend, “I’m working on my focus.” Their encouragement can co-regulate you, amplifying progress. You’re not alone; your brain thrives with others.
Your Brain, Your Potential
Focus issues, shared trauma, and relational wiring aren’t defects—they’re your brain doing its job, shaped by experience. Whether it’s a prefrontal cortex on pause, a community reeling, or a connection needing a boost, you’re not stuck. Tools like brain mapping and neurofeedback, paired with simple reframes, reveal a truth: your brain’s adaptable, and you’ve got the keys. Start small—tune your arousal, lean on others, explore your wiring. You’re not fixing a flaw; you’re unlocking potential. What could change if you saw your brain as a partner, not a problem
Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.
Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.
In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.
At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.
Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.
Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.
Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness
Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.
Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment
Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.
Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma
Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.
How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships
Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:
Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.
It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth
The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:
1. Cultivate Self-Awareness
The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.
2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability
Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.
3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships
Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.
4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling
Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.
5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself
Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.
The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.
The human brain is remarkably adaptive, especially in response to adversity. When individuals experience neglect, emotional or verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or witness family violence—particularly in early childhood—their brains undergo survival-based changes to help them navigate a dangerous world. These adaptations are, in many ways, a reflection of the brain’s resilience. However, when trauma survivors move into safer environments, they often struggle deactivating the survival mechanisms they developed. Understanding how the brain adapts to trauma can be the first step in healing and reclaiming a sense of safety.
Imagine a child growing up in a confusing home where every interaction holds the potential for emotional or physical harm. This child’s brain learns to adapt for survival. Now, picture this child as an adult now living somewhere safe. Logically, they know they’re no longer in danger, but their brain hasn’t fully caught up yet. Instead, it continues to operate in survival mode, shaping the way they think, feel, and connect with others—even long into adulthood.
Much like animals in the wild, who develop specific survival tactics in response to threats, trauma survivors exhibit similar resilience. Nature documentaries often showcase how animals adapt to harsh environments—whether it’s a gazelle learning to anticipate predators or a bear cub developing defensive skills after early hardships. While these adaptations serve them well in the wild, if these animals were relocated to a protected sanctuary, they might initially struggle adjusting to the lack of danger. Similarly, trauma survivors may find it difficult to shift from survival mode to a state of peace and trust, even when they are safe.
Here are five ways your brain changes in response to trauma:
1. In Trauma, Hypervigilance Becomes the Norm
After experiencing prolonged danger, your brain becomes hyper-aware of potential threats. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting danger, becomes overactive, leading to heightened anxiety and an exaggerated startle response. This makes it difficult to relax, even in safe environments, as your brain continuously scans for danger.
In the animal kingdom, prey animals like deer or rabbits exhibit similar hypervigilance. Their finely tuned senses help them detect danger, but when placed in a controlled environment where threats are minimal, they may still exhibit skittish behavior until they learn to feel safe.
How This Affects Relationships:
You may constantly anticipate conflict, even in peaceful relationships.
Small misunderstandings may feel like major threats, leading to overreactions.
You might struggle to believe your partner’s reassurances, fearing hidden dangers.
2. Emotional Regulation Becomes Difficult when Traumatized
Trauma impacts the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. When this region is impaired, it results in heightened emotional reactivity, difficulty managing stress, and challenges in expressing emotions in a healthy way. You may find yourself easily overwhelmed or reacting to situations that seem minor to others.
Similarly, animals that have faced repeated stress, such as rescued shelter dogs, often struggle with emotional regulation. They may lash out or retreat, not because they are naturally aggressive, but because their past experiences have wired their brains to expect harm.
How This Affects Relationships:
You might experience sudden mood swings, feeling fine one moment and deeply upset the next.
Expressing emotions may feel overwhelming, leading to either emotional outbursts or complete withdrawal.
Your partner may struggle to understand why small triggers cause big reactions.
3. Trust Issues Become Deeply Ingrained through Trauma
Because early trauma often involves betrayal or harm from caregivers, the brain learns that people—even those who claim to love you—may not be completely safe. The brain wires itself to be cautious in relationships, leading to difficulties in trusting others, fear of vulnerability, and challenges in forming healthy attachments.
In nature, animals that have been hunted or mistreated by humans often remain wary, even when approached with kindness. A rescued horse that has been abused may take years to learn to trust its new caretaker, despite being in a loving home. The same applies to trauma survivors—learning to trust again takes time and patience.
How This Affects Relationships:
You may struggle to believe that your partner’s love is genuine or lasting.
Opening up emotionally may feel impossible, leading to distance in relationships.
Fear of abandonment might cause you to push people away before they have a chance to leave.
4. Survival Mode of Trauma Disrupts Logical Thinking
The hippocampus, a brain region involved in memory and learning, is affected by trauma, making it difficult to differentiate past from present. This means that even in a safe environment, your brain may react as if the trauma is happening all over again. This can lead to difficulty making decisions, chronic stress, and difficulty retaining positive experiences.
Consider a wild animal repeatedly exposed to danger—its brain remains wired to react instinctively rather than logically. A fox that has barely survived multiple predator encounters may struggle to distinguish a genuine threat from a harmless situation. Likewise, trauma survivors often operate from a protective than connective place.
How This Affects Relationships:
You may misinterpret neutral comments or actions as personal attacks.
It can be difficult to see your partner’s intentions clearly, leading to misunderstandings.
Conflict resolution may feel impossible, as your brain automatically assumes the worst.
5. Trauma Distorts Self-Perception
When trauma happens early in life, particularly at the hands of caregivers, the brain may internalize the experience as a reflection of self-worth. This can result in deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, or unworthiness. Survivors may develop negative self-talk, struggle with self-compassion, and feel as though they are fundamentally broken.
A perfect example of this can be seen in elephants that have been held in captivity. Even when freed, some remain chained mentally, believing they are still confined. Similarly, trauma survivors may feel stuck in limiting beliefs about themselves, even when those beliefs are no longer valid.
How This Affects Relationships
You may feel unworthy of love, leading to self-sabotage in relationships.
Accepting compliments or kindness from others may feel uncomfortable or even suspicious.
A deep fear of rejection may cause you to settle for unhealthy relationships or avoid intimacy altogether.
Reach Out and Move Toward Healing
The good news is that the brain remains plastic—meaning it can change and heal even after years of trauma-induced adaptations. Therapy, mindfulness, and trauma-informed practices can help retrain the brain to recognize safety, regulate emotions, and develop healthier relational patterns.
Like rehabilitated wildlife that learns to thrive in a protected environment, trauma survivors can relearn what it means to be safe, loved, and emotionally free. If you recognize these trauma responses in yourself, know that you are not alone. Your brain adapted to survive, but now, you deserve to heal. With the right support, you can create new neural pathways that foster a sense of safety, trust, and emotional balance in your life.
