With all the changes in our lives due the coronavirus and quarantine, our relationships are going to feel the strain. You are likely going to have more conflicts with your partner, simply by being around them more often. You also have the opportunity to deepen your relationship- therapy from home.
In difficult times, our relationships can get stronger
To really take advantage of this time, I want to invite you to take three steps to improve your relationship while in quarantine.
Increase the good stuff
The Gottman Institute, one of the leading sources of research and intervention about relationships, says we want five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction. Keeping it that way leads to a more stable and happy relationship, and reduces the likelihood of divorce.
Find a couple small things to do for your spouse daily:
Leave each other kind notes
Take care of a chore
Ask about their day
Hug for 15-20 seconds
Dress up and have a date
Make a fight plan
It’s going to happen. Plan ahead for what you’re going to do in an emotional fight, keeping in mind that your previous strategies may not be options.
Plan for:
Who gets what space if you need a break
How long you’ll take a break
Coping ahead, or making time to cope before you are even upset
Checking in each day so you don’t go to bed angry
For more specific ideas on conflict, check out my colleague Connor McClenahan’s video on how to resolve an argument – he walks you through a step by step approach to hearing one another well and resolving the real underlying issue. You can find it on our Covid-19 resources page.
Engage in couples counseling
Whether your relationship is feeling tumultuous right now or you recognize that quarantine is a good time to brush up on your conflict resolution skills, couples counseling can help. Couples counseling can build on your existing strengths, help you grow in those areas of difficulty, and provide a place to flush out any disagreements that you struggled to come to a resolution on.
At Here Counseling, we are still providing in-office sessions and can also provide couples counseling over telehealth, so whatever your comfort-level is with leaving the house, we can still meet you where you’re at. Reach out today to see a stronger marriage during a difficult time.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
During quarantine, many of us have felt not like ourselves, including feeling unproductive, lonely, bored, easily emotional, or lacking in meaning. To understand why this may be, we’re going to review Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Maslow theorized that we are initially motivated by the lowest or most basic need. As those needs are met, we move up the hierarchy to more complex needs. However, if a need is not met, the motivation for that need increases until it is met, and it will end up taking our focus away from higher levels.
Before we review these needs, take a moment and brainstorm what are the top things that are taking your energy right now, or maybe another way of phrasing it would be your top worries. We’ll use the list to see where on the hierarchy those worries fall.
Our first needs are physiological, such as food, shelter, and water. Many of us, I hope, are still doing ok here. The next one is safety, which focuses on stability, employment, finances, health, resources. I’m going to guess your list had a lot of these kinds of problems on it. Our resources have changed, our employment has changed, we may be in financial risk, and we may feel scared of getting sick.
The coronavirus has caused most of us to focus on this basic need. That means a lot of our energy and motivation will be on trying to resolve these issues. Hopefully we can take advantage of some of that motivation to resolve what we can in terms of reviewing finances and making smart hygiene choices. However, some of the issues we can’t resolve, like finding a cure or ending a shelter-in-place order, which means our motivation and focus will get stuck here. That also means we will have less motivation for needs higher up on the hierarchy.
The next need is love, belonging, friendship, and connection. This may be hard to access right now for some. We may find ourselves fighting with loved ones more often, or feeling like we are lonely and struggle to feel connected with others. You may not have as much motivation or energy to put into those relationships.
The next few are esteem, cognitive needs (meaning to feel curious, want to explore or learn), and aesthetic needs (meaning to appreciate beauty). This entails feeling good about ourselves, or feeling confident and strong. When we’re here, engaging in work or a preferred activity feels fun, freeing, and like it’s building you up. If we don’t have motivation to explore, grow, or work, it may be harder to get things done. That may lead to feeling stressed and incompetent, or bored and unfulfilled by those tasks that usually give you energy.
Lastly is self-actualization and transcendence, which involves seeking to be the best version of ourselves, or finding meaning in the world around us. This may include spiritual journeys or exploring questions of identity. Again, without as much energy or motivation to go here, you may feel disappointed in what feels like a lack of growth in these areas.
So what do we do about it?
If so much of our energy is now being diverted to feeling safe, and we can’t change a lot of what’s making us feel unsafe, how do we move forward?
Firstly, I would invite you to be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel what you are feeling. I think that’s hard for many of us, because we have a certain standard of accomplishment that we hold ourselves to, and kindness can feel like weakness. I would challenge you to push back against that standard by remembering that this is a completely unprecedented event in your life. It’s ok to be upset, it’s ok to do less, and it’s ok to be kind to yourself.
The next thing I’m going to invite you to do is to find other ways of helping you feel safe. Remember when you were a kid, and you got scared, maybe from a nightmare? What did you seek? Again, take a moment and jot down some things you may have turned to.
When you’re looking at your list, maybe you wrote down the warm comfort of a blanket or favorite stuffed animal. Maybe it was a cup of hot cocoa and a favorite movie. A favorite song, smell, or taste. We are usually soothed by connecting with our five senses. One way of dealing with feeling unsafe would be to find a physical way of coping.
The other thing you probably did is you went to a safe person, like your parent or a sibling. Though love and belonging is the next need above safety, I think it’s worth putting in that extra effort to connect with the life-giving relationships in your life. Social support is a key way of coping in difficult times. This may not be the time to try and reconcile with a difficult family member, but it’s a great time to call friends and family who make you feel loved and safe, and for whom you can provide that in return.
Lastly, it’s important that we remind ourselves that this is not our reality forever. It can be easy to forget that these feelings will end, and so will this pandemic. Maybe write down a reminder somewhere you will see it – this too shall pass.
Maybe as I’ve reviewed these ideas today, you got stuck somewhere along the way. Maybe it was difficult to think of things that calm you, or you could only think of things that have some negative consequences attached, like emotional eating or substance use. Maybe you struggled to get past that self-critical voice telling you to do more. Maybe you’ve noticed that the conflict in your relationships has gotten to be more than you can handle. If that’s you, reach out for therapy today. Yes, this will pass, but it doesn’t have to be so difficult, and you don’t have to go through it alone.
When faced with what we cannot control, we can often feel stressed, aimless, and defeated. Sometimes we then try numbing ourselves with things like junk food, Netflix, or alcohol. A single chocolate bar won’t hurt, but relying on these to cope can end up leading to bigger problems long term in terms of dependency issues or not reaching our goals.
In these times of difficulty, I’ve found myself turning to an old saying: seeking to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Some of my material is adapted from Marsha Linehan’s work on Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You can find more of her material on her website.
If you can solve it, solve it
When we feel defeated, we need some wins. So ask yourself – what are some small things I can change today to make my world a little better?
We can also do a lot to help in terms of our physical health – and being physically unwell can make us more vulnerable to intense emotion. Try:
• Balancing your eating, and limiting binge snacking • Setting up a sleep routine • Limiting or avoiding substance use • Take any medications prescribed to you • Go on a walk or exercise at home • Reach out to a friend who you can confide in, or a friend who makes you laugh
It can be easy to get stuck
Sometimes when people face tough problems, they feel upset, but they don’t do anything to help themselves feel better, or they act impulsively and hurt themselves or others. This is also going to keep you stuck in even more pain and suffering than you were in before, and keep you from moving forward.
Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
If we can’t make things better, and we don’t want to make things worse, we are left with accepting reality as it is. Sometimes we mix up acceptance and complacency, or giving up.
Acceptance does not mean: • That you like it • That you deserve it • That you don’t try to change what you can
Acceptance means we open our hands and our hearts to whatever the day may bring: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We allow the world to be as it is, instead of numbing ourselves so we don’t see it.
Don’t do this alone
Now is the time to come together with loved ones. Reach out to a trusted friend, check in on your family members, and get in contact with a therapist, especially if you’re finding yourself using impulsive actions or numbing to get through quarantine. We’re all in this together – reach out today.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
Just as the coronavirus continues to occupy our minds and restrict our daily lives, your children’s lives have also changed, which may lead them to worry, feel sad or disappointed, or even act out. It’s important you know how to talk to your kids about the coronavirus, and support them in this complicated time. This conversation will likely not happen just once; as new updates come almost daily, you will have to continue to answer your child’s questions.
It may feel overwhelming to try and talk to them about what is going on, when we are all feeling the pressure of this unique time in history. You may wonder how you can answer any of their questions when you have so many of your own. Make sure you are feeling calm and clear-headed when you talk with your children.
Your kids will read more from your body language than your words.
Children take their cues for how to feel about something from your body language even before they learn to talk. If you feel panicked or overwhelmed, they will know it. It’s ok to be honest with your children that you feel scared, sad, or confused too, but there’s a big difference between calmly telling your child you feel scared, and showing them how scared you are.
Don’t Say Nothing
Chances are, if your child is above the age of even 4 or 5, they know what is going on. They recognize that they aren’t going to school or seeing their friends, and that life is different. If you don’t address the changes in their lives with them, they may feel even more uncomfortable – silence is scary.
Talk to them about:
What the coronavirus is
What symptoms may look like in a child
How, though some people may die, that children likely only get mild symptoms
Emphasize that your family will be ok
For a younger child, that may sound like, “Daddy is going to take care of you.”
For an older child, that may sound like, “We’ll be safe as long as we practice the plan together.”
How there are really smart people making decisions about how to deal with the virus, what to do about school, and giving us advice about things we can do at home
Their feelings
Things they can do to help
For more ideas or information, check out the CDC’s guidance for more facts and details you can share with your child
Let’s focus in on talking to your kids about their feelings. Not being able to go to school, a friend’s birthday party, or possibly their own graduation or promotion are losses, and your kids may feel the same grief, loneliness, and anxiety that you do.
For children, when they aren’t able to talk about their feelings, it can show up in other ways, like tantrums, arguments, and not following directions. Providing a supportive emotional environment is one way of minimizing these kinds of behaviors. Consider having a weekly check-in with each of your children individually, to listen to how they are feeling, answer any questions, and provide them support.
Also make sure to help your kids find little things they can do to take down the coronavirus. Make sure they are washing their hands often, and have any child older than 7 help you with cleaning around the house. You can even put on superhero capes and a theme song, and teach them that cleaning is what we can do to fight illness.
Don’t Say Everything
While silence is scary, so is too much information. Children can only handle so much detail and complexity, and how much you share will depend on your child’s age and emotional maturity. Your toddlers won’t need much of a conversation, while your teenagers can handle most of the truth. In the video attached to this blog, you’ll see me role playing one example of how you might speak with an 8 year-old child.
One rule of thumb to help guide you would be to let them lead the discussion. Don’t give more information than what they are asking for, and address their concerns calmly. Make sure to ask them how they are feeling, and leave space for whatever they share.
Avoid any blaming language about other cultures, people in the community, or governmental figures. Now is not the time to teach your kids about your political affiliation. Children are meant to feel safety and trust in their authorities, and the complexities of determining what authorities to trust are not something they should have to deal with until their teen years.
What if I don’t know the answer?
It’s ok to admit you don’t know everything. You can tell your child you will look into it, and get back to them. If no one knows, you can tell them that everyone is asking that question and we are all not sure, but we are in this together. Remember, the focus is on staying calm.
Will you do me a favor?
Take care of yourself today. Parents are at the front lines, day in and day out, to raise the next generation. Parenting is hard, and parenting when something like the coronavirus hits can be even harder. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, be that physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or relationally, you can’t lead your kids. When I do sessions with parents, I like to end the session by asking them to do me a favor – do one nice thing for yourself today. And let me know how I can help. We’re all in this together.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
Everyone goes through difficult seasons of life, but there is a difference between a bad season and an episode of depression. Do you know the signs of depression?
Depression is one of the most common mental
health diagnoses in the United States, with an estimated 17.3 million adults
and 3.3 million adolescents having had least one depressive episode in 2017
(NIMH). Despite being so prevalent, a
depressive episode can be one of the most isolating times in a person’s life,
and its impacts can be far-reaching and devastating.
What is depression?
Though there are different kinds of
depression, most depression begins with a similar set of symptoms.
Common symptoms may include:
Feeling sad, empty,
and/ or irritable
Not feeling interested
in things you once enjoyed, like hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and/
or sex
Difficulty getting
things done, following through on tasks, and/ or focusing
Trouble with sleep,
appetite, weight, and/or fatigue
Thoughts of hurting
yourself
(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 2013)
Who can give me a depression test?
Though you may be able to recognize these
signs for yourself, it may be helpful to get a diagnosis from a therapist or
doctor. According to the Substance Abuse
and Mental Health Services Administration, 35% of adults and 60% of adolescents
never get treatment for depression.
Talking to a professional about your diagnosis can help you get a
diagnosis and then get linked to treatment.
Because there are different types of
depression, an online depression test may not be able to help you understand
what you are experiencing or what to do next.
A depression test with a professional may help provide those answers and
next steps.
If depression is common, do I really need treatment?
Despite being so common, depression can have a
massive impact on your daily life, leading to:
Missing work/ school
Not making deadlines
for work/ school
Feeling disconnected
from loved ones
Not making progress or
keeping up with other valued life areas, like finances
Turning to substance
use to try and stop the pain
In turn, these problems lead to a negative
response from the people around you.
This criticism, and the feeling of falling more and more behind, can
start to feel like you’re never going to get out.
What do I do if I think I have depression or want a depression test?
There are a lot of successful treatments for
depression, including different types of talk therapy and medication. But sometimes it’s hard to know where to
start.
Reach out to a
therapist today to schedule a session and learn more about if depression
treatment may be helpful for you
Talk to your doctor
about whether you are a candidate for medication, as well as the pros and cons
of medications
For some of you, it may be helpful to request
testing for depression. A depression
test may be helpful for those of you who:
You are not sure if
you are experiencing depression
You see some of your
symptoms here, but don’t think depression is the full picture
You’ve been in
treatment for depression, but aren’t seeing the progress you like
Reach out today to start your journey toward healing by scheduling an initial therapy appointment or a depression test.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
With the coronavirus on everyone’s minds, social media
pages, and news channels, it’s a scary world out there.
“Should I buy more toilet paper?”
“Is this runny nose a symptom?”
“What if my kids’ school closes?”
“How will I pay my bills if I can’t work or run out of sick
days?”
Many of us are feeling anxious and unclear about what the
coronavirus may mean for our health, our loved ones, and our finances. Some are taking to stocking up on paper
goods, while others post silly memes to mock them in an attempt to bring some
balance. Plenty are avoiding the news
all-together.
Though having anxiety about the coronavirus does not
necessarily mean having an anxiety disorder, we can use some of the same
lessons we learn from managing anxiety to manage our corona-stress.
Neither panic nor
avoidance will make your stress go away.
When we avoid something stressful, it never really goes
away, it simply gets pushed down. Then,
when we are most tired, irritable, or even hungry, it pops back up as anger,
panic, stomach pain, sleep problems, etc.
Panic and avoidance are actually two sides of the same coin.
Your anxiety is there
for a reason
Your body and brain were made to help you avoid bad things
happening! If you see a wild bear coming
toward you, and your brain and body do not become afraid or anxious, you don’t
run away in time! Anxiety is meant to
help you see possible threats in order to do
something about them.
So what should I do
about it?
As difficult as it may be, we all have to stay aware of what is going on in our communities. That doesn’t mean reading every story about it online or following how they handle it in Italy – this means knowing what is happening in your community now, and any CDC recommendations or governmental regulations for your area. Get educated about how the virus works, from reputable specialists. Start with the CDC Website and start one article at a time, making sure to take breaks in between if you start to feel overwhelmed. It can be tempting when we start to read every article and go down every rabbit hole, but try to limit yourself to just what you need to know to be safe.
Ok, I’m educated and
prepared – what now?
It is in times when we do not know the outcome, and in which
the things we care about feel at risk, that we must turn toward our values and
our loved ones. Pick one of these things
you can do today:
Spend time with your family
Call an elderly family member
Play a game with your kids
Pray, meditate, or engage in another spiritual practice, if that is comfortable for you
Be a little kinder to your neighbor
Do the things that make you feel like your best self
If you find that your stress is overwhelming you, reach out for support to a loved one or consider talking to a therapist. We’re all in this together – let this be a time where we lean into what matters.
Ashley Holcomb, PsyD
I help individuals and couples overcome the patterns that keep them from experiencing closeness in relationships.
