This week, a 12am deadline came on the same day a super cute someone invited you to the event with the film club after class. And last week, hours of YouTube searches didn’t help you narrow down between your 3 top potential majors. You know you need to navigate between sleep and deadlines and family and dating and maintaining friends, but it all seems too much.
Being a college student comes with a fair amount of stress. Trying to balance these never ending elements can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. What’s worse is that during such periods of stress, our brains are primed to adopt a negative self-monologue.
Turn down the stress voice
Underneath these negative monologues is an unhelpful belief about the self. See if any of these messages fit with your experience, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:
“I’m alone.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I’m not loved.”
Take a moment to reflect and analyze what your recent train of thought has been. Asking yourself these questions, could help you narrow it all down:
How has it made you feel?
Do you have that constant trepidation that everything is going to get worse?
Are you replaying all the ways certain people or events have made you feel like you’re not good enough?
Do your dreams feel far from reach?
Raise the volume on your empowerment voice
Slow down for a moment. Take a look at how far you’ve come. It’s easy to focus on how much you’ve not done or the mistakes you’ve made.
You cooked dinner for yourself? That’s amazing.
Came to class even though you were emotionally exhausted? You’re doing your best.
Have you fought the onslaught of negative words? That’s bravery.
In taking the chance to celebrate your wins, you adopt a more empowering self belief. See if any of these empowering identity messages fit for you, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:
“I have plenty of support around me.”
“I’m good at many things.”
“I can be safe with healthy boundaries.”
“I know people who love me.”
Try spending the first 2-5 minutes of your day celebrating what’s right in your life and what that means about your empowering identity message. You can go on preparing for your day. Celebrate all the wins you can in this time. Clap for yourself; applaud your endeavors, high five your mirror reflection!
Live in your newfound empowerment.
Think of these identity volumes as operating frameworks. When you step into the day from the framework of “I’m not good enough”, you second guess decisions, taking a long time to make any choice. Perhaps you’ll avoid talking to someone you find attractive. And sitting to write that term paper feels like running a marathon.
When you increase the volume on your positive identity beliefs such as “I’m good at many things”, you experience the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. You discover an empowerment to make good choices quickly. You find that the term paper doesn’t bring as much stress as before.
Knowing when you need therapy
Choosing to alter your operating framework to a more empowering self belief is not so simple all the time. Very often, we need to pick apart our life stories and our present stresses in order to understand and even believe what is truly positive and strong about who we are. This journey of exploration can easily be facilitated in a therapy setting. In therapy, we’ll peer underneath the messages and events holding you back from the goals you’ve set for yourself, uncovering and dismantling their negative power on your progress.
Fill out a contact form or call our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you navigate through the stresses of college life.
Gavin Cross, LMFT
Counseling for men and couples I empower men and couples to embrace an authentic sense of self.
Sometimes focusing our attention feels impossible. As soon as we settle down at the computer, or into a conversation, we can find ourselves darting around, proverbially switching channels back and forth. We can start to wonder, “Do I have ADHD?”
Today we’re going to look at what actually happens in the brain when we have trouble focusing. Whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, understanding how our brains pay attention will help you make changes so you can hold attention in a healthy way.
Here’s what’s happening in the brain when you focus attention
Your mind is constantly receiving thousands of inputs every second – from your skin and muscles (the uncomfortable chair you’re sitting in), from your ears (that air conditioning in the background), from your stomach (it’s been a while since breakfast!), from your social awareness (I’m surrounded by people right now) and from communication from others (this article teaching you about ADHD), among other things.
It’s a wonder that your mind can focus its attention at all. It needs a way of organizing a whole world of constantly changing pieces of information so it can keep you safe. The way the mind does this is really important: it focuses your attention on threats so it can resolve them and feel safe again.
Attention Neurology:
The floodgate. First, your mind measures how much information it wants to take in. Picture the difference between eating an apple on an empty stomach, versus eating an apple after an ice cream sundae. On an empty stomach, you might taste intense, complex flavors from the apple. After an ice cream sundae, however, it might hardly taste sweet. This is the job of the reticular formation. It measures how much stimulation (excitement) your brain can take to keep you somewhere between feeling bored and overwhelmed.
The emotional stamp (limbic system). Next, the information is stamped with emotion. Like a message coded by urgency (?), the limbic system tags how important this new information is to your safety and prepares your body to respond. When you feel a tinge of stomach tension at receiving an email from your boss, it’s because your limbic system told you there’s a threat to your safety: you could be in danger of being dismissed or abandoned. Your entire body responds right away, changing your heart rate, blood flow, and attention so you can be safe.
The planning center (prefrontal cortex).Imagine a rider on top of an emotional elephant. The elephant is our emotional brain, charging haphazardly away from danger and toward safety. The rider (prefrontal cortex) has to decide how to direct the elephant’s energy. The rider is a bit frustrated with the elephant’s erratic impulses! He tries to navigate the elephant in a straight line toward the main goal of connection and safety, taking into account social norms, past experiences and outcomes, contextual cues, and other emotions in ourselves and others. The rider considers two main voices: the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) and Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BAS is like a forward-thinking rider. She decides how to direct the elephant’s energy down a certain path. It’s good at planning logical steps that help it achieve goals and satisfy needs for connection and safety. The BIS is like a cautious rider. She pulls the reigns to keep the elephant from running wild. She’s concerned with holding back on emotional impulses, trying to steer clear of social stigma, rejection, and shame.
The reward center (ventral striatum). Think of a party at the end of a marathon: the runner endures enormous pain, finally crosses the finish line, and feels immense relief and pleasure. He completes the goal and finally wins the needed sustenance and support. His brain is flooded with dopamine, which slows his heart rate and relaxes his muscles. Next time he runs the marathon, his mind will stay on task, knowing the reward at the end.
To summarize,
Whenever your mind receives an input, it first evaluates its strength and connection to your survival, and you feel your body become ready to respond. Your prefrontal cortex then plans what to do – to either resolve the need or suppress it and stay on task toward the current goal and reward.
So let’s say you’re writing a brief.
When the project first came up, you felt excitement. Your limbic system tagged the project as important because of your long term goal to make money – and more importantly – be included in a community and avoid abandonment (safety).
Right away, you felt engaged with the project. Your BAS was organizing your excitement and planning different behaviors to get closer to your goal. You might sit down and outline your project.
BUT THEN – you get a text. This time it’s from your partner. It says, “I didn’t feel great about how we ended last night.” You feel another rush in your body. This time, it’s not excitement but anxiety. Suddenly the project is out of your mind. If you pay attention, you might notice your BAS organizing yourself differently: “If I don’t respond right away, will they think I don’t care?” You feel the pain of an attachment strained. Your BIS then struggles to evaluate. How important is this new goal in relation to the project? How do I weigh my long-term survival against this immediate conflict? Should I stop working on the project now and call my partner?
Just then, a co-worker asks you a question. “Did you see the game last night?” Your mind is now balancing a few different bids for attention. This is where you start to feel your mind struggling to focus.
Attention problems can be caused by a few different areas
If you struggle with holding attention, there may be a problem with one or several of the brain areas we mentioned earlier.
Now, before we jump ahead, it’s important to note that the structure of your brain is the combination of your genetics, past experiences, and present experience. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say about 50% of your brain’s structure is caused by your genetics, and 50% is the result of your environment. Why is this important? Too many people confuse “brain structure” with organic/genetic causes. If you have a weakness in your reward pathway, making it difficult to feel pleasure when you achieve a goal, it might be because of an organic/genetic difference, or it might be due to the way rewards have been handled throughout your life. Both genetics and experience alter the structure of your brain.
With this in mind, let’s look at different ways you might be experiencing problems with attention.
Is my focus issue a “floodgate” problem?
Sometimes our problems in attention have to do with how stimulating our environment is. Each of us has a “Goldilocks” zone where we aren’t too bored or overwhelmed, where things are just right and we feel engaged. For some of us, reading a book doesn’t hold our attention. It feels boring and it’s hard to pay attention. For others it feels just right: a quiet room, a book, low light is the perfect amount of stimulation to hold our attention. This has to do with our floodgate, the reticular formation, that is monitoring the volume of the world around us.
Extraverts might need to add music, bright light, or tap their feet to raise the volume of the reading so they can pay attention. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by this idea! They might struggle to engage with reading in a loud room, needing to pull away into a quiet room to read.
How about you? If you struggle with attention, it’s possible that you’re either overwhelmed (“I can’t focus! It’s too much!”), or bored (“I can’t focus! It’s too mind-numbing!”).
Try adjusting the volume of the task by adding or removing stimulation.
Add music or exercise beforehand to make a boring task more engaging. Retreat to a quiet space away from distractions to make an overwhelming task more engaging. These volume adjustments help us focus our attention.
Is my focus issue an emotional problem?
Attention is anything but a cognitive task. Attention is mostly an emotional task that begins and ends in our brain’s limbic system (emotional center). Our emotional state is the elephant that moves our attention toward a goal to help us feel safe and connected. If anxiety and dread overwhelm you, writing a report is going to be incredibly difficult. Your mind will keep redirecting, over and over, toward your emotional state.
If you’re depressed, your concentration suffers. Your mind will keep redirecting toward your sadness. But if your mood improves, so does your attention. You’ll even find yourself being more creative at solving problems.
So what do we do? Trying to force ourselves to pay attention when we’re emotionally overwhelmed is like a tiny rider on top of that emotional elephant: it’s not gonna do much good.
The only solution is to help ourselves feel safe.
Regulating our emotions, and soothing ourselves is the first step. Sometimes this is as simple as reminding yourself of a loved one who cares about you. Other times this is about addressing emotional patterns in therapy.
Is my focus issue a planning problem?
After you feel an emotion and your body gets ready to act, your prefrontal lobe starts to plan how to achieve the goal. Sometimes it means telling yourself to stop working on other goals. Other times it means taking time to plan out each step you need to get to your goal. How you manage these two voices (BAS and BIS) has a lot to do with how others in your life have helped you achieve goals. For example, picture a child who’s trying to stack blocks, and gets frustrated. The parent who swoops in and stacks the blocks for the child, while well-intended, doesn’t help the child learn the planning skills they need. A parent that shows the child step by step how to stack the blocks will help strengthen the child’s frontal lobe, nurturing their ability to set and achieve goals.
In the same way, if we struggle with attention problems today, it might be a planning issue. Maybe it’s hard for you to take a moment to stop and plan the steps to get to your goal. Maybe it’s hard to say “no” to something you want so you can get the larger goal. This can be a powerless feeling – like there’s no way to move forward. This is where we switch attention – largely to avoid feeling powerless.
If this sounds like you, you’ll need to take the time to outsource this part of your brain to a checklist.
You might try taking time, before the start of the task, to outline the steps you’re going to need to take to get it done. You might also benefit from therapy. Addressing and understanding the feelings you have about setting goals can help you feel focused and in control again.
Is my focus issue a reward problem?
Sometimes our problem with holding attention has to do with a lack of reward. If we can hold our attention well, it’s because we know that by planning and holding out attention on a task, we’ll feel good again, relieved. Think of an Olympic athlete: they strain to hold their attention hour after hour because of the promise of winning gold. Think of a parent who spends an hour learning to bake a cake for their child: they hold their attention because of the promise of vicariously feeling their child’s joy. We hold our attention when we know there will be a reward.
For some of us, there’s no promise of reward. Maybe your own childhood involved a depressed parent who struggled to “light up” when you achieved a goal, and you felt like you could never make them proud. This experience lays pathways in your frontal lobe that influence how you experience daily tasks. Or maybe you’re living alone, so cleaning your house goes unnoticed. Maybe you have a preoccupied boss who doesn’t reward your hard work. In each of these situations, it will be a struggle to hold attention on a task, because your mind struggles to see the reward it’s working toward.
If this is the main obstacle to holding your attention, you might tend to feel tasks are meaningless, hopeless, or boring.
How do we help this issue? Some suggest giving yourself a treat when you complete a task: like rewarding yourself with chocolate. You’re welcome to try that if it works for you! For many people, however, this will only get you halfway there. The dopamine (reward) area of the brain is built around social rewards. The strongest reward we can receive is another person’s praise.
If you struggle with reward pathways, don’t think of giving yourself a treat; think of making the task meaningful.
How can you link the task with how it will contribute to your feeling connected and helpful in the world? Is there a way to include others in the task so you can receive feedback and praise? Is there a way the task could help someone else? How could you change the task to heighten these aspects?
So, do I have ADHD?
ADHD requires a diagnosis, something you can get by scheduling an assessment with one of our psychologists. Why a psychologist? Because too often, we diagnose ADHD whenever we spot an attention problem, without considering other factors, such as emotional health, life stressors, introversion/extraversion, etc.
Whether or not you have ADHD, you can rework your relationship with attention. Whether it’s about reducing/increasing the input (floodgate), regulating your emotion (making it more meaningful or less panic-inducing in the limbic system), taking more/less time to plan, or giving yourself more meaningful rewards, there are ways we can shift gears to pay attention, regardless of your diagnosis.
The effort it takes to hold attention can be frustrating. Talk with one of our therapists today. We’ll help you find your way to feel on top of your life again.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
Anxiety is that pesky companion that wants to rob you of your control in life.
It hijacks your thoughts during important moments.
It tenses your shoulders, your chest, and your digestive system.
It over activates your “what if” fears.
It can affect your sleep, diet, and ability to stay present and attentive to life.
You want to take a deep breath, rest once in a while, to be assured that somehow everything will be okay, but Anxiety’s “what if” voice has your amygdala doing somersaults, taxing your nervous system with a constant, low-volume version of fight or flight.
Anxiety’s Master Plan
Anxiety is most successful at taking over if it can convince you there’s something in your life that isn’t secure or loved. Your amygdala may automatically trigger your fight or flight response when you feel unsafe or unloved.
Fight or flight is beneficial when you are in present physical danger. Your digestive system shuts down, your logic and reasoning are dulled, blood rushes to contracted muscles, and your heart rate increases, so you can expend the energy where it matters when in danger: getting to safety.
Fight or flight is less helpful when you’re worried about a promotion, when you don’t know if you and your partner see eye-to-eye, when a difficult test is around the corner and you aren’t sure if you studied enough.
We want to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s voice of unsafety and insecurity. Turning down the volume will help you gain a little more control over when you need your amygdala’s essential function and when you don’t. The way to turn on the brain’s logic center is by asking ourselves four crucial questions.
4 Important questions to regain control from Anxiety
1) WHAT AM I FEELING IN REGARDS TO MY SECURITY AND SENSE OF BEING LOVED?
Anxiety’s power is in convincing you that things cannot be okay. Its voice is always found in an unhelpful statement about yourself:
Something’s wrong with me.
I’m not enough.
It’s hopeless.
I’m not wanted.
I should have known better.
I’m a failure.
This list is not exhaustive. There are many potential unhelpful messages that Anxiety may be trying to tell you about yourself.
For some, this first question will be the hardest of the four, but it’s essential to start here with Anxiety’s voice so you know how to speak to it. Behind your racing heart, behind your fear of calling that parent, behind your worry about what someone else is thinking, there is an unhelpful voice trying to convince you something negative about WHO YOU ARE. Try in this first step to name that message.
2) WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?
Anxious symptoms and behaviors are a response to those unhelpful messages that Anxiety wants you to believe about yourself. If you’re convinced you are unwanted, you may struggle with sleeping or what you eat. When feeling hopeless, you may respond in outrage. If you feel like a failure, you may give up or spend hours thinking through a problem instead of experiencing peace, rest, and a solution.
You’ll win the battle against Anxiety when you can 1) name the negative message about your security and sense of being loved, and 2) when you can name how you are tempted to respond to the aforementioned negative message. Here is a small list of potential examples:
Excessive worry
Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etcetera)
Racing thoughts
Lashing out
Giving up
Fatigue
Body symptoms
Feeling on edge
Changes in diet
3) WHAT’S POSITIVE AND TRUE ABOUT ME?
Here’s where you can consciously choose to divert your attention to evidence that contradicts Anxiety’s unhelpful voice, where you entertain thoughts that are more true about who you are. If this step is difficult, you can begin by journaling about times the negative message was untrue about you. Eventually, practice diverting to these more positive messages in the middle of Anxiety’s advances to lessen its power.
There are plenty of reasons to hope.
I have proven I can succeed.
I will get through it.
I did the best I could.
There’s reason to believe I am loved and cared for.
4) HOW WOULD I RATHER RESPOND?
Through knowing the truth of who you are and the strength and love inside of you, you have now turned down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful voice and can choose more helpful behaviors and fewer body symptoms.
Practice deep breathing and mindfulness.
Give attention to the people around you instead of to the problem.
Improve eating and sleeping habits.
Enjoy soothing behaviors like TV, alcohol, etc., in a healthier, non-excessive way.
Complete tasks efficiently with a more solution and strength-based mindset.
How do I know when I need therapy?
Anxiety can be a formidable adversary to fight. Maybe you want a coach to walk you through these four steps. Or perhaps you’d like a little help looking underneath the unhelpful messages, understanding the deeper unconscious drives that have led to some of the symptoms you experience.
There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.
You’ve got this!
Integrate these four questions into a regular routine.
What am I feeling in regards to my security and sense of being loved?
When I feel this way, how do I normally respond?
What’s positive and true about me?
How would I rather respond?
Eventually, you’ll be able to quickly cycle through these four questions in the middle of a stressful experience, utilizing the empowerment of truth to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful messages, and living in the peace and accomplish you long for.
Questions to Respond to Anxiety Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Do you ever have one of those nights – where you find yourself tossing and turning, your mind filled with thoughts and worries, “what ifs,” and feelings of uncertainty or fear? Sometimes these same feelings and thoughts pop up throughout the day, with a sudden sense of your mind racing, your heart rate speeding up, and breathing getting shallow. Suddenly, all you can think about is what you said or how you may have messed things up, and your mind begins to consider all the possible things that could happen or go wrong. All of a sudden, that one small thing feels like it has become a massive storm with certainty that everything will go wrong.
But could you learn to take back control of these moments of worry and begin to find a place of rest for your mind and body? By practicing just a few simple steps, you can start to quiet the storm inside your mind, leading to more clarity, better sleep, and the ability to breathe a little more deeply.
Consider these three simple steps to help clear your mind and begin to rest.
Name the fear. It’s essential to identify what is at the root of our anxiety. Slowing down and naming what you are most worried about can help you see just what you are most fearful of happening. Maybe it’s the fear that you will lose your job or that you may lose someone you love. Whatever it is, taking a deep breath and saying what you fear will help you begin to take a step toward understanding what has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
State a truth. Consider the fact that what you fear could happen, but it is essential also to consider that the facts that may support this fear becoming a reality may not be the whole truth. Often there may be some truths that challenge this fear. Maybe it was another project you worked on that proved you competent and a great asset to your workplace. Or that making one mistake does not mean that you are a complete failure.
Imagine the “best-case scenario.” These feelings of fear and uncertainty are often based on the worst-case scenario. What would it be like to ask yourself to consider the “what ifs” for the best-case outcome? Seeing yourself as capable of overcoming or succeeding, rather than imagining only adverse outcomes, may allow you to realize that your fear is only one possibility of what could happen. In reality, there is a possibility of a positive outcome.
As you allow your mind to focus not only on the possibility of what could go wrong and consider what could go right, you may start to notice a mental shift. This shift comes as your mind begins to slow down, and you can think more clearly, sleep more soundly, and feel more energetic in your everyday life.
Clear Your Mind Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
In 2020, Covid was new. We thought we might be home for just a couple of weeks. Those two weeks turned into a couple of months, which turned into 2021. And now, we’re in 2022, and the pandemic is still ongoing. What about pandemic mental health?
Taking care of mental health fell on the back burner for many of us. We needed to survive, and that took up the energy that we would typically use for self-care. 2 years later, we’re starting to feel the effects of that.
Do things feel directionless or purposeless? Maybe it’s burnout you’re feeling or perhaps a lack of motivation. Or is it increased anxiety? Sadness? Depression?
It has been hard to take care of your emotional and mental well-being. It feels especially hard if you’re still working from home. But not taking care of these parts of yourself is not sustainable. You can’t keep waiting for the pandemic to end before starting to take care of yourself. Ignoring your mental and emotional health will have long-lasting negative effects. It’s important to manage your pandemic mental health.
So where can you start?
1. Separate your workspace from your “rest of life” space.
Even if it’s just a corner of your room or a section of your dining table, intentionally use that space as your work zone and nothing else. It’s vital to designate proper spaces for work and life while you’re still working from home. Organizing your space in this way can help reduce the stress of feeling like your office has taken over your home.
2. Pause and mindfully take note of how you are feeling.
You know you feel “off” or “not yourself,” but what does that mean? Are you feeling down? Are you feeling stressed constantly? Are you feeling apathetic? Tune in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings.
3. Identify one enjoyable activity that you can begin engaging with regularly.
What brought you joy or gave you a sense of purpose pre-pandemic? Is there just one thing that you can begin reengaging with as a way to reinspire, reinvigorate, recharge yourself? Whether monthly, weekly, or even daily, start with just one thing you can begin to reconnect with – maybe something lost during the pandemic.
It can feel impossible to know where to start as you consider taking care of your mental health, whether for the first time or the hundredth time. Start with small, manageable steps and slowly build upon those intentional habits – whether it’s separating your work life from your home life, pausing to acknowledge how you’re feeling, or reengaging with things you once loved. Begin taking care of yourself during this time when things continue to remain in flux and unpredictable.
Rose So, MA
I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.
Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you’ve worked, someone will discover that you’re a phony? You don’t really know what you’re doing, but somehow you’ve convinced everyone that you deserve to be in the room. You don’t feel like you belong and, eventually, someone will realize that you don’t.
For someone who really appreciates authenticity and prides herself on her integrity, it was difficult to come to terms with my fear of getting discovered as a “fraud” or a “phony.” For every area of life that I was qualified in, there were recurring feelings of inadequacy, which ultimately lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and frustration. There was a period of my life where I couldn’t be confident in my hard work, experience, and skill, but rather only felt shame and fear with all of my accomplishments.
I found myself striving to prove to myself and others that I was competent and capable. I was frustrated when I felt like I didn’t do enough in the roles I played in my life. But the string of thoughts convincing me that I wasn’t enough were never true. The lies I believed about myself crippled me from being fully myself in every aspect in my life. It wasn’t that I acted like someone I wasn’t, but rather, I held myself back from being who I fully was.
What is imposter syndrome?
In 1978, Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes defined the imposter phenomenon as an individual’s belief that they aren’t really intelligent, but are “convinced that they have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise.” According to Clance and Imes, who studied a sample of 150 successful women, the reported clinical symptoms of imposter syndrome were “generalized anxiety, lack of self-confidence, depression, and frustration related to inability to meet self-imposed standards of achievement.”
Clance and Imes discovered that this belief was mainly attributed to early family roles and societal gender stereotyping. They explained that when a woman in their study experienced success, she would often filter that through either “societal expectations” or her own “internalized self-evaluations.” In other words, the women in the study’s sample needed to find explanations for their accomplishments rather than their own intelligence, which includes managing to fool others. This study took place in 1978, but it’s still just as, if not more, prominent today and needs to be talked about.
Stop feeling like an imposter in your own life.
I realized that the first step to defeating my imposter syndrome was to name it and the main weapon I recently came into possession of is this ability to be vulnerable about it so that we as a society can acknowledge that imposter syndrome is a real thing and there is no need for shame. Valerie Young, Ed.D., an internationally-recognized expert on imposter syndrome gave a Ted Talk with steps to overcome imposter syndrome:
Break the silence. Shame keeps a lot of people from “fessing up” about their fraudulent feelings. Knowing there’s a name for these feelings and that you are not alone can be tremendously freeing.
Separate feelings from fact. There are times you’ll feel stupid. It happens to everyone from time to time. Realize that just because you may feel incapable, doesn’t mean you are.
Recognize when you should feel fraudulent. If you’re one of the first or the few women or a minority in your field or work place, it’s only natural you’d sometimes feel like you don’t totally fit in. Instead of taking your self-doubt as a sign of your ineptness, recognize that it might be a normal response to being an outsider.
Develop a new script. Your script is that automatic mental tape that starts playing in situations that trigger your Impostor feelings. When you start a new job or project instead of thinking for example, “Wait till they find out I have no idea what I’m doing,” try thinking, “Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.”
Fake it ‘til you make it. Now and then we all have to fly by the seat of our pants. Instead of considering “winging it” as proof of your ineptness, learn to do what many high achievers do and view it as a skill. The point of the worn out phrase, fake it til you make it, still stands: Don’t wait until you feel confident to start putting yourself out there. Courage comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build.
Let me help you.
You deserve to be in the spaces that you take up, and whether you are accepted by everybody, you have the power and ability to stay true to your authentic self. Let me help you acknowledge your strengths and identify any lies that you or others have been telling yourself. You are enough.
Victoria Ing, ACSW
I empower young adults to live authentically as they journey towards wholeness.
Once, exhausted after a long day, I let my body droop from the edge of my couch to lay next to my dog on the floor. Hoping I could live the comfortable life that my dog does without a worry in the world, I stared into my dog’s innocent eyes and sought comfort – the comfort of her gentle, furry touch, her warmth and a beating heart, her loyal love, and encouragement to get up another day to take care of her. In our silent exchange of emotions, as I lay quietly wiping my tears, I was in disbelief. Though my feelings may have been precipitated by my rough day and already heightened emotions, they were indisputable: I was finally feeling what it feels like to trust another being.
Trust is a funny thing. Trust may build quickly or slowly, but it often catches me off guard with its presence. And when trust is broken, the feeling of betrayal has so many facets and phases – anger, sadness, feeling lost, unsafe and unloved.
Is it even possible to figure out what it means to trust?
Is it possible to manage my emotions after betrayal, and by learning to cope, make the whole painful process worthwhile?
How did I, on this random night, experience a whole new level of trust with my dog I adopted a year ago of all living creatures on this earth, including the ones that gave birth to me and raised me?
Trust is learned in our earliest relationships, but no parent in this world is perfect.
I would go as far as to say that to be a responsible parent, you must not be 100% attentive to your child’s needs all the time. Children need to be encouraged to do things on their own without the help of their parents. Children need to learn to be self-sufficient and to self-soothe at times because parents can’t realistically be there for the child to save them every time they desire assistance.
Some parents, however, with or without faults of their own, are busier, less affectionate physically or verbally, or have their own mental health issues ranging from depression to maladaptive communication skills to intergenerational trauma that may get in the way of being present and caring for their child. And unfortunately, some parents even pass away unexpectedly early and leave their children behind too soon.
So how are we supposed to trust, when even our own parents neglect, betray, or abandon us?
What should I do with this need to trust, to be comforted, to be held?
Learning to hold oneself, balancing to stay afloat, protecting ourselves from the pain of betrayal, resisting the urge to just collapse onto any stranger that provides the slightest glimpse of comfort, feels so exhausting at times. When am I going to fall?
No matter how independent and strong we want to be, we can’t avoid the act of trusting others at some point in our lives.
And, as hard as it is to say, we have to deal with the pain that may or may not follow. The Chinese character “ren (人)” which means “person” or “people” is made of two human stick figures that are leaning on one another for support. Humans are social creatures, and we cannot survive alone. We must trust others with our feelings, hearts, and even lives. So how do we encourage ourselves to trust well in this seemingly hopeless world?
Even when we have trauma around trust, a part of us, like a seed in the ground, is waiting to trust someone.
You don’t have to tell your body to try to trust, but you can listen to the ways it’s trying to trust. It might look like sharing something small, inviting another’s interest, or expressing frustration. Like a person who will put a few pounds of weight on a bridge to see if it is safe to walk across, we do things to ensure ourselves in order to trust. We hope that the few pounds of weight on the bridge will give us the courage to walk across. Leaning on someone, letting go of our fears, taking a step not knowing if we will fall – trusting is hard work. Realistically, the best that we can do when it comes to trusting is to take that step forward while acknowledging the potential consequences of it. This sounds scary, I know. The word, consequences, does not do justice to describe the potential agony we might be putting ourselves through.
But, I’ve come to find that the following things are within our control and can make this situation less hopeless.
We can try our best to discern whom to trust and how much to trust at what pace.
We can learn to regulate our emotions before, during, and after we choose to trust no matter what the outcome is.
We can learn to appreciate the worth in our choices to trust, and value our bravery in choosing to live fully.
We can learn to comfort ourselves when things don’t go as we had hoped.
We can also learn to ask for help to be comforted from those around us.
Most importantly, we can respect and love the choices we make, and be okay with falling, even if it hurts.
In the end, the goal is to survive the sometimes painful consequences of life events. We can’t give up on trusting others because we’ve been hurt before or because no one has taught us how to. We can’t give up because we depend on one another for survival. All we can do is to take care of ourselves as best as we can so that we can get up again even if someone intentionally has pulled the rug out from under our feet. We will learn to trust by first trusting ourselves that we will catch ourselves when we fall, even if that means, on some nights, I’m ugly-crying on the floor with my dog.
Seohyun Joo, MA
I help people learn to resolve their anxiety and express their needs.
For so many of us worry is a way of life. We worry about money. We worry about what people think. We worry about our health. We even worry about our past. And so often these worries attack us without warning. How often have you been going about your day, feeling fine, but suddenly find yourself obsessing over something completely random…like the wording of an email you wrote two hours ago?
“Why didn’t he respond yet?
Did I say something stupid?
Did I make a mistake?
Did I offend him?
What if I get fired?”
Your heart races. You feel that pit in the center of your chest. Then you spend a half hour reading and re-reading your message.
But even when everything turns out fine, It’s still unfair, because you just lived half a day with this terror gnawing at the back of your mind.
But the strange truth is you’re built for this fear. Your worry is a survival instinct honed over millions of years.
You’re made to be afraid.
10,000 years ago that fear was vitally important. Back then, a threat meant life or death. It was evolutionarily adaptive if every time you heard the grasses rustling you assumed it was a lion.
You’d better be prepared because it only had to be a lion once for you to get eaten.
Those people who were prepared for the lion, those who assumed the worst, they lived. And now their fear lives on in you.
But this process that was so helpful to our ancestors; looking for threats, assuming danger, preparing for the worst at all times…it drags you down.
The threats we face are no longer life or death.
There are no lions waiting to pounce in our email. In our world this instinct distracts us from what’s important by focusing our attention on the unlikely negative. It paralyzes us from taking action because we severely overestimate the chance that bad things will happen.
Your fear no longer serves you.
But there is hope.
Your instinct isn’t all powerful.
You can talk back to your fear.
There are lots of ways to do this. And sometimes it takes a while to figure out what’s most effective. But right now, I’ll tell you the three questions I’ve found most powerful in helping people talk back to their fear.
When you find yourself with that pit in your chest, your thoughts racing, your heart pounding…
Stop. Be gentle, ask yourself,
“What is it you’re afraid of right now?”
Then ask yourself this,
“What is the most likely to occur?”
Don’t lie. Don’t try to be positive. Just answer honestly. Because the truth is always less scary than what we are afraid of.
“What is most likely to occur?“
Hold onto that in the face of your fear. Hand it back to your fear when it comes up again. The truth is the most powerful weapon we have.
But if the fear persists. Ask this,
“What is the worst that could happen? Will I be ok?”
Again, answer honestly. If you do, if you really dig down for what is true, I imagine you’ll find that whatever you fear, the absolute worst, the thing unlikely to occur, it is survivable.
You have felt this way before. You have survived before.
You are a survivor.
And whatever the thing you fear, it is smaller than what you can do in the face of its challenge.
Recognize your instinct to fear. Remember your fear no longer serves you. Remind yourself of what is likely to occur. Remind yourself that you can survive the worst.
Arm yourself with the truth. There are no lions here.
If this video helped you in some way and you want more help talking back to your fear, I look forward to talking with you.
Jeff Creely, PhD
I help people who struggle with anxiety and sexuality issues gain peace and freedom in their lives.
You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones.
Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort.
This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.
What’s happening in your brain and body?
Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking.
Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.
Muscle tension.
Gastrointestinal issues.
Fatigue.
Insomnia.
Weight gain.
Extreme weight loss.
None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life.
What can you do about it?
Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement.
I’m unloved.
I’m a failure.
I’m not safe.
You get the point.
So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself.
NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.
I am loved.
I’m important.
I do the best I can.
Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today.
LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.
Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?
These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice.
Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.
Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day.
Taking the next step
Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns.
Be free to live again.
Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore.
Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Sometimes your phone can feel needy. It demands your attention and pulls you away from time you wish you could enjoy. You find yourself constantly opening your apps, scrolling mindlessly through your feeds. It might be hard to notice how much time has passed!
You wish you could have a different relationship with social media.
Why social media captures our attention
Everyone around you is always on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc. and constantly posting about their lives. It’s how you stay in the know. Watching people’s stories and looking at their posts keeps you feeling like you’re in the loop.
Social media hijacks our entire outer shell of our brains, called the cortex. The main purpose of our cortex is to pay attention to our place in social networks to stay safe. Social media piggy backs on our survival instinct to stay connected and aware of our social situation.
It makes sense – we’re really looking for safety in a social group.
What’s the problem with using social media?
Even though social media gives you a glimpse into the lives of your friends, family, and even strangers, it’s not a real, meaningful way of connecting with those individuals.
You often are not actually connecting with those individuals and engaging in thoughtful conversation that creates the basis of deep friendships. Instead, the mindless scrolling through social media, that so many of us are familiar with, can contribute to feelings of insecurity or loneliness.
It doesn’t have enough “bandwidth” to help us ever feel secure and connected.
So what can be done?
Tip #1: Take time off social media. Like a vacation! Delete your apps, or deactivate your apps. Do something that will help you separate yourself from the apps and minimize your chance of sneaking peaks in moments of weakness.
Tip #2: Be specific. Set a day and time you will be away from social media. Give yourself a time frame for how long you will be off your apps for. This could be 1 day, 1 week, even a month or longer! But choose a time frame and hold yourself to that time frame.
Tip #3: Fill that empty time with something social. Our minds are used to spending time scrolling through social media. So simply abstaining from the apps may swing us back into dependence later on.
Identify something socially meaningful that you can engage in to fill up some of that empty time. Picnics at a park have been a great way to connect with others during this time! When you feel the urge to check social media, call a friend instead and feed your brain’s desire to connect and feel safe.
Or perhaps you’re needing some solitude. Identify what is recharging for you and spend time doing that activity. For some, that may be hiking. For others, that may be reading a book. Identify 1-2 things you’ve missed doing, whether its with others or in solitude, and replace the time you’d be on social media with those activities.
You can start creating a healthy relationship with social media today
While changing your relationship with social media might initially be difficult, it can also give you the space you need to reflect on how social media is affecting you, to understand just how unfulfilled you might be with it, and to identify other healthy, recharging activities you can engage in. These meaningful activities may allow you to actually engage and connect with others, rather than simply see their lives through the lens of social media.
So if social media is impacting you in negative ways, start today. Recharge yourself, recenter yourself, and reconnect to others.
Setting Social Media Boundaries Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive, especially during this time of increased fear, boredom, and lack of motivation.
