Healing Attachment Wounds with Brainspotting
EMDR, Managing emotions

Healing Attachment Wounds with Brainspotting

Written by Jamen

When Connection Hurts More Than It Heals

Have you ever found yourself longing for closeness but feeling a wall come up the moment someone tries to get near?

Or maybe you often feel responsible for keeping peace in your relationships — always the caretaker, the one who makes sure everyone else is okay.

Deep down, you might know these patterns didn’t start with your current partner, friends, or family. They began much earlier — in the places where connection and safety were supposed to coexist, but didn’t.

Those early cracks in connection are what therapists call attachment wounds.

And while they might be invisible, their echoes show up in every area of life — in love, friendships, parenting, and even how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, I often meet people who say, “I’ve done therapy before, I understand where this comes from… but I still feel it.”

That’s where Brainspotting can become a bridge — helping you move from understanding your pain to actually releasing it.

What Are Attachment Wounds?

Attachment wounds form when, as children, our emotional needs for love, attunement, or safety weren’t met consistently. Maybe a parent was loving but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you learned that being quiet or “good” was the only way to stay connected. Or perhaps love was mixed with fear, anger, or unpredictability.

These early experiences shape what’s called our attachment style — the internal map that teaches us what relationships mean. When that map is built on uncertainty, we may learn to:

  • Fear of being abandoned or rejected.
  • Keep emotions to ourselves to avoid conflict.
  • Feel responsible for other people’s moods.
  • Push people away before they can hurt us.

Even as adults, these learned patterns live deep in the nervous system. You can know you’re safe, but your body might still react like you’re not.

Why Understanding Isn’t Always Enough

Many clients tell me, “I’ve talked about my childhood in therapy. I get it. But I still freeze, panic, or shut down when something triggers me.”

That’s because attachment trauma doesn’t live in logic — it lives in the body.
These wounds are held in the brain’s subcortical regions — the parts responsible for instinct, survival, and emotional memory. They don’t speak the language of words. They speak through sensations, tension, and reactions that feel out of your control.

This is where Brainspotting becomes so powerful — it helps access those deeper parts of the brain where talk therapy can’t reach.

What Is Brainspotting?

Brainspotting is a powerful yet gentle therapeutic approach developed by Dr. David Grand. It’s based on the idea that where you look affects how you feel.

In a Brainspotting session, you and your therapist notice specific eye positions — called brainspots — that link to emotional or physical activation in the body. By focusing your gaze there and staying present with what arises, your brain naturally begins to process and release stored trauma.

It’s not hypnosis or guided imagery — you stay aware and in control. But your brain and body start communicating in ways they’ve long been trying to.

Brainspotting helps create the conditions your nervous system needs to heal — safety, attunement, and space. It allows you to finally access emotions that once felt too overwhelming to face, but now, in a safe environment, you can move through them instead of staying stuck.

How Brainspotting Helps Heal Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds often involve the deepest kind of disconnection — the kind that says, “I’m not worthy of love,” or “If I show who I really am, I’ll be left.”

Brainspotting helps you approach these beliefs not by fighting them, but by meeting them with compassion and curiosity.

Here’s how it helps:

  1. Regulating the Nervous System:
     When attachment wounds are triggered, your body may go into fight, flight, or freeze. Brainspotting helps you notice and soothe those physical reactions, teaching your nervous system what safety feels like again.
  2. Reconnecting with Emotion:
     Many people with attachment trauma learned early on to disconnect from their emotions to survive. Brainspotting gently helps you reconnect — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable and empowering.
  3. Rewiring Old Patterns:
     Over time, the brain begins to form new pathways — ones rooted in calm, trust, and presence. You start to respond rather than react.
  4. Building Secure Attachment from Within:
     Healing attachment wounds isn’t about changing others — it’s about creating safety inside yourself. Brainspotting allows you to internalize a sense of secure attachment, often for the first time.

What a Session Feels Like

Each session begins by finding a place in your body where you feel the emotional intensity of what you’re working through — it might be a tight chest, a heavy stomach, or a lump in your throat.
Your therapist helps you find a corresponding eye position — your brainspot — that connects to that feeling.

From there, you notice what happens in your body as you stay present. Some people feel tingling, tears, warmth, or even deep calm. Others feel subtle shifts over time. There’s no right way — your brain knows what to do.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, you don’t have to retell every painful story. You just need to notice what’s happening inside you, in real time, with the support of someone attuned to you.

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Common Signs You Might Be Carrying Attachment Wounds

You don’t need to have gone through overt trauma to have attachment wounds. They often show up in quieter ways:

  • You crave closeness but fear rejection.
  • You feel responsible for others’ happiness.
  • You struggle to trust or depend on anyone.
  • You often feel unseen, even in relationships.
  • You avoid conflict but end up feeling resentful.
  • You lose yourself trying to keep the peace.

These patterns aren’t flaws — they’re survival strategies that once kept you safe. Brainspotting helps you honor those parts of yourself, while slowly teaching them that it’s okay to let go.

Brainspotting vs. Traditional Talk Therapy

Talk therapy offers valuable insight, understanding, and connection. But when it comes to deeply rooted emotional patterns, understanding alone doesn’t always create change.

Brainspotting complements talk therapy by engaging the parts of the brain that talk can’t reach. It’s a bottom-up process — meaning healing starts in the body and nervous system, then integrates upward into thoughts and emotions.

Clients often describe Brainspotting as a felt experience rather than a cognitive one. It’s about releasing what’s been stored — the grief, the fear, the loneliness — so that your mind and body can finally align.

What Healing Attachment Wounds Can Feel Like

Healing isn’t instant or linear. But with time, you may notice:

  • Feeling calmer in relationships.
  • No longer needing to over-explain or please to feel safe.
  • Being able to hold your boundaries without guilt.
  • Feeling present and grounded in your body.
  • Experiencing closeness without fear of losing yourself.

These shifts don’t mean forgetting what happened — they mean your nervous system has learned that you’re safe now.

What Therapy Looks Like at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, therapy for attachment wounds isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a space where you can be seen and felt exactly as you are.

Sessions are guided at your pace — never rushed, never forced. Whether you’re new to therapy or have done deep work before, Brainspotting meets you where words leave off.

You’ll learn to notice the subtle ways your body responds to safety and stress, and over time, those new experiences of safety begin to rewrite the old story.

Both in-person and online Brainspotting sessions are available to clients across Pasadena and throughout California, offering flexibility and consistency in your healing process.

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Reclaiming Connection — With Yourself and Others

When you’ve spent years feeling unseen or misunderstood, it’s easy to think real connection isn’t possible. But healing your attachment wounds doesn’t erase your past — it transforms your relationship with it.

Through Brainspotting, you can begin to feel safe in your body again.

You can learn that love doesn’t have to hurt, that closeness doesn’t mean danger, and that you can hold space for your own needs without losing connection to others.

You don’t have to do this alone. Healing begins when you feel safe — and that safety can start right here.

Begin Your Healing Journey

If this resonates with you — if you’re ready to gently explore the roots of your attachment wounds — Brainspotting can help you reconnect to yourself and others in ways you didn’t think possible.

Here Counseling offers Brainspotting therapy for attachment trauma, emotional healing, and relational growth.

Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right support, it becomes possible — one moment of safety at a time.

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Supporting the loved ones in EMDR Therapy
EMDR, Managing emotions

Supporting a Loved One in EMDR Therapy

Written by Jamen

Watching someone you care about go through trauma therapy can stir up mixed emotions — hope, worry, even helplessness. You want to help, but you may not know how. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an intense yet deeply healing process, and your understanding can make a real difference.

At Here Counseling, we often meet partners, family members, and friends who ask, “What can I do to support them?” This article offers compassionate, practical guidance — what to do before, during, and after sessions, and what to avoid — so you can walk alongside your loved one with confidence and care.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR is a structured trauma-processing therapy that helps people reprocess distressing memories so they no longer feel as overwhelming or intrusive. Using bilateral stimulation — often gentle eye movements or taps — EMDR helps the brain “re-file” painful experiences in a more adaptive way.

A typical EMDR process includes several phases: history-taking, preparation, assessment, desensitization, installation, and closure. Your loved one’s therapist moves at a pace that prioritizes safety and emotional regulation.

You don’t need to understand all the technical details — your emotional presence matters more than your knowledge. Simply knowing that EMDR helps people heal from the inside out is enough to ground your support.

Before Sessions: How to Prepare and Show Support

Therapy days can take a lot of emotional energy. Your loved one may feel nervous or reflective even before their appointment. Small gestures of support can make a big difference.

Practical support might mean taking on small responsibilities — arranging childcare, handling dinner, or helping with logistics so they can head to therapy without rushing. Keeping their day low-stress allows them to focus on what matters: healing.

Emotional support starts with curiosity, not assumption. Try asking, “Is there anything you’d like me to know before your session?” or “Would you like quiet time afterward?” Avoid asking for a play-by-play of what happens — EMDR works best when clients feel safe and unpressured.

Self-education also helps. Read a basic EMDR overview or ask your loved one if their therapist has handouts you could look at. Understanding trauma-informed language (like “window of tolerance” or “grounding”) helps you respond in a supportive, non-reactive way.

After Sessions: What Helps and What to Avoid

After EMDR sessions, people often feel tired, vulnerable, or “foggy.” Sometimes they feel lighter — sometimes stirred up. Healing isn’t linear.

What helps most is stability. Offer calm routines like a shared meal, a short walk, or time together doing something gentle and grounding. Check in with open-ended kindness: “Would you like to talk, or do you want quiet?” Respect their answer.

Avoid asking for details or interpreting what they share (“That must mean you’re almost done healing!”). Don’t make their process about your need for reassurance — your steadiness is the reassurance they need.

If they seem triggered or disoriented, gentle grounding helps. You can remind them to notice the room, feel their feet, or take a slow breath. Most EMDR clients learn self-regulation skills during therapy — simply being a calm presence helps them access those tools.

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Communication Tips: Words That Help

When you’re not sure what to say, simplicity works best. Try phrases like:

  • “I’m here if you want to talk.”
  • “I can sit with you quietly if that’s better.”
  • “What would help right now?”

Avoid trying to analyze or “cheer up” your loved one. Validation is healing: “That sounds really hard” or “I can see this takes courage.”

And remember — you matter too. Setting limits is part of healthy support. It’s okay to say, “I’m here for you, but I need a bit of time to recharge tonight.” Boundaries allow you to show up with genuine care, not burnout.

When to Be More Involved

Sometimes, a loved one’s EMDR process reveals patterns or dynamics in close relationships. If your partner or family member’s therapist suggests including you in a joint session, consider it an opportunity — not a sign something’s “wrong.”

You might join a check-in to better understand their triggers or learn shared regulation tools. Always let your loved one take the lead in inviting this. Contacting their therapist directly can feel intrusive, but expressing openness — “If your therapist ever thinks it’d help for me to join, I’m willing” — keeps communication safe and clear.

Caring for Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting someone through trauma work can be deeply rewarding — but it can also be emotionally draining. You might feel worry, guilt, frustration, or even jealousy of the therapist. These feelings are normal.

Give yourself permission to step back when needed. Schedule your own downtime or consider your own therapy or peer-support space to process what comes up. When you take care of yourself, you model emotional regulation — the very skill your loved one is practicing in EMDR.

Red Flags: When to Seek Extra Help

While most EMDR journeys are steady, there are times when extra support is crucial.

If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts, becomes increasingly withdrawn, or starts using substances to cope — don’t handle it alone. Encourage them to reach out to their therapist or crisis services immediately.

And if there are any signs of relationship safety issues — emotional or physical — seek professional help right away. Healing cannot happen in unsafe environments.

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A Simple Checklist for Support

  • Offer practical help with small tasks on therapy days
  • Create a calm, quiet post-session space together
  • Ask what they need — and really listen
  • Learn one or two grounding exercises you can do together
  • Avoid forcing details or interpretations
  • Respect their pace and privacy
  • Care for your own emotional wellbeing

Closing Thoughts

Healing from trauma is rarely a straight path — it’s a journey with gentle steps forward, pauses, and moments of deep courage. If you’re supporting someone in EMDR therapy, your steady presence is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

At Here Counseling, we believe that healing happens not just in therapy rooms, but also in the safe, caring connections around us. If you or your loved one want to learn more about EMDR or explore trauma-informed support, reach out to our care coordinator to begin the next step together.

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CPTSD and Dissociation
EMDR, Managing emotions

CPTSD and Dissociation: Understanding the Disconnect Within

Written by Jamen

Living with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) can often feel like being in two worlds at once — one where you’re present, functioning, and doing your best to move forward, and another where parts of you are still stuck in the past. One of the most common and confusing symptoms of CPTSD is dissociation, a survival response that once kept you safe but now leaves you feeling detached or disconnected from yourself and others.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we often meet people who describe feeling “numb,” “out of it,” or “like I’m watching my life instead of living it.” These experiences are far more common than you might think — and they’re not signs of weakness or brokenness. They’re signs of survival.

In this post, we’ll explore what CPTSD and dissociation really are, how they’re connected, what they feel like, and how therapy can help you gently reconnect with your body, mind, and sense of safety.

What Is CPTSD?

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) develops after chronic or repeated trauma, often in relationships where escape or protection wasn’t possible — such as childhood neglect, abuse, or ongoing emotional harm.

Unlike PTSD, which usually stems from a single traumatic event, CPTSD is the result of prolonged trauma. It affects how a person sees themselves, others, and the world around them. Many people with CPTSD struggle with:

  • Persistent fear or shame
  • Difficulty trusting others
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Negative self-image
  • Feeling perpetually unsafe, even in calm situations

Over time, these symptoms can make you feel like you’re always on guard or living in survival mode. And when that stress becomes too much, the mind finds ways to protect you — one of which is dissociation.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation is the mind’s way of creating distance from pain. When an experience feels overwhelming or intolerable, your brain protects you by numbing out, zoning out, or detaching from what’s happening.

You might notice dissociation as:

  • Feeling “spacey” or detached from your body
  • Losing chunks of time or struggling to recall events
  • Watching yourself as if from outside your body
  • Feeling emotionally flat or numb
  • Being unable to connect with people or surroundings

In moments of intense fear or trauma, dissociation can be life-saving. It allows you to endure what otherwise would be too much. But when it becomes a regular way of coping, it can make healing and connection difficult — because it keeps you disconnected from your present reality and your emotions.

How CPTSD and Dissociation Are Connected

CPTSD and dissociation often go hand in hand. When trauma happens repeatedly — especially during developmental years — the nervous system learns to disconnect as a primary form of protection.

Children who couldn’t physically or emotionally escape unsafe environments learned to “leave” mentally instead. That same coping mechanism can continue into adulthood, even when the danger is no longer present.

This can lead to:

  • Feeling detached during stress or conflict
  • Losing focus during emotionally charged conversations
  • Having difficulty remembering parts of your life
  • A sense of “not being real” or that your life isn’t your own

Many people describe this as living behind a glass wall — watching life happen but not feeling like they’re part of it.

The important truth is this: you are not broken for dissociating. Your mind found a creative, protective way to survive when you needed it most. Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of that part of you — it means helping it feel safe enough to rest.

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Signs You Might Be Experiencing Dissociation

Everyone experiences moments of mild dissociation — like daydreaming or “zoning out” during a long drive. But for people with CPTSD, dissociation can be deeper and more frequent.

Some signs include:

  • Frequent forgetfulness or “lost time”
  • Feeling emotionally numb or distant
  • Difficulty staying present in conversations
  • Feeling like your body isn’t your own
  • Struggling to feel connected to loved ones
  • Sudden emotional shifts without clear triggers

If you notice these patterns interfering with daily life, work, or relationships, it may be helpful to reach out for trauma-informed therapy.

How Therapy Helps With CPTSD and Dissociation

Healing from CPTSD and dissociation takes patience and compassion. It’s not about forcing yourself to “feel” or “remember” everything — it’s about slowly building a sense of safety and control in your body again.

At Here Counseling, therapy for CPTSD and dissociation is gentle, attuned, and body-aware. It often involves a combination of:

1. Creating Safety and Stabilization

The first step is to help your nervous system feel safe. Through grounding exercises, mindfulness, and resourcing, you’ll learn to notice when you’re starting to disconnect — and gently bring yourself back to the present.

2. Understanding Your Triggers

Together, we’ll explore what situations or sensations lead to dissociation. This awareness helps you anticipate and manage those moments instead of being caught off guard by them.

3. Building Mind-Body Connection

Somatic approaches (like breathing, gentle movement, or guided visualization) help you reconnect with your body in safe, gradual ways. The goal isn’t to push — it’s to invite awareness and rebuild trust with your body.

4. Processing Trauma Safely

Once you have the tools to stay grounded, therapy can gently address the root causes of trauma. This might include narrative therapy, EMDR, or parts work to integrate fragmented experiences into a cohesive sense of self.

5. Reconnecting With Yourself and Others

As safety grows, dissociation lessens. You begin to feel emotions again — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable. Relationships start to feel more real and fulfilling, and the sense of “aliveness” slowly returns.

Why Healing Is Possible

It’s important to know that dissociation doesn’t mean you’re beyond healing. It means your system has worked overtime to protect you — and now it’s asking for rest and care.

Healing CPTSD and dissociation takes time, but it’s absolutely possible. With consistent support, you can:

  • Feel grounded and present in your daily life
  • Develop healthier emotional regulation
  • Build trust and intimacy in relationships
  • Experience joy and safety in your body again

Therapy isn’t about erasing the past — it’s about giving yourself the tools to live fully in the present.

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When to Reach Out for Help

If you find yourself often “checking out,” feeling emotionally numb, or struggling to stay connected to reality, you don’t have to face it alone.

At Here Counseling, we work with clients who have experienced complex trauma, chronic stress, and dissociation. Together, we’ll move at your pace — no pressure, no judgment — just a steady commitment to helping you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have felt out of reach.

Whether you prefer in-person sessions in Pasadena or online therapy from the safety of your home, help is available. Healing begins when you take that first step toward being heard and supported.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is dissociation the same as daydreaming?
 Not exactly. While both involve detachment from the present, dissociation is often a trauma response — a deeper disconnection that happens when the mind feels unsafe.

Can we heal from dissociation completely?
Many people experience significant healing. With therapy, you can learn to recognize dissociation as it happens and stay grounded for longer periods. Over time, those protective patterns naturally lessen.

How long does it take to recover from CPTSD?
There’s no set timeline. Recovery depends on your history, support system, and pace of therapy. Healing isn’t linear — but every small step counts.

What type of therapy works best for CPTSD and dissociation?
Trauma-informed approaches such as Somatic Therapy, EMDR, and Parts Work (IFS) can be especially effective, as they address both the mind and body.

Can online therapy help with CPTSD and dissociation?
Yes. Online trauma therapy can be a safe and effective way to start your healing journey — especially if being at home feels more comfortable.

You Deserve to Feel Whole Again

You don’t have to stay disconnected from yourself. CPTSD and dissociation can feel isolating, but with the right support, you can slowly come home to your body, your emotions, and your life.

At Here Counseling, healing is not about fixing you — it’s about helping you remember that you were never broken to begin with.

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couple trust issues betrayal
Managing emotions

Boundaries 101 for People Pleasers, Even If You’ve Tried Saying “No” Before

Written by herecounseling

If you’re a people pleaser, you know the drill: you bend over backward to make others happy, often at the expense of your own well-being. You’ve probably tried setting boundaries before. For example, you muster up the courage to say “no” once or twice, but it felt awkward, guilt-ridden, or just didn’t stick.

The real issue isn’t just about uttering that two-letter word; it’s deeper. At the heart of people-pleasing lies a fundamental disconnect: you stop paying attention to what you’re truly feeling or needing. This oversight might seem harmless at first, but it erodes your relationships and your sense of self.

In this article, we’ll explore the problems poor boundaries create, the hidden consequences of poor boundaries, why simply saying “no” falls short, and how insights from depth psychology can help you reclaim your needs and build healthier connections.

The Core Problem: Ignoring Your Inner World

People pleasers are masters of adaptation. You scan the room (or the relationship) for cues about what others want, then shape yourself accordingly. But in the process, your own emotions and needs get pushed to the background. It’s like turning down the volume on your internal radio until it’s barely audible. Why does this happen? Often, it’s rooted in early experiences where expressing needs led to rejection, conflict, or simply being overlooked. Over time, you learn that safety comes from prioritizing others.

This habit might keep the peace short-term, but it sets up a cycle of invisibility. In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, you end up giving without receiving, agreeing without considering your own desires. You might not even notice the subtle resentment building because you’ve trained yourself to ignore those signals.

The Ripple Effects: Strains in Relationships and Self

When you consistently sideline your feelings and needs, problems start stacking up. In relationships, this creates an imbalance where one person (you) is always the giver, leading to resentment on both sides. Your partner or friend might sense something’s off but can’t pinpoint it, so they pull away or become frustrated. Conversations become superficial because you’re not bringing your full self to the table— you’re editing out the parts that might “rock the boat.” Over time, this fosters emotional distance; intimacy suffers because true connection requires vulnerability from everyone involved.

Internally, the toll is even heavier. Ignoring your needs leads to burnout, anxiety, or a nagging sense of emptiness. You might feel chronically exhausted, wondering why you’re “never enough” despite all your efforts. Self-esteem takes a hit because you’re reinforcing the belief that your worth depends on others’ approval. Physical symptoms can emerge too: headaches, digestive issues, or sleep problems, as your body protests the emotional neglect. In essence, you’re living a half-life, where your authentic self is starved of attention, leading to a quiet erosion of joy and purpose.

The Hidden Fallout: Withdrawal and Secret Coping Mechanisms

Without healthy boundaries, the pressure builds until you can’t ignore it anymore. The natural response? Pulling away from the relationship to regain some equilibrium. This might look like emotional detachment, suddenly becoming unavailable, canceling plans, or zoning out during interactions. It’s a way to create space where you can finally breathe, but it leaves the relationship feeling unstable and confusing for the other person.

To fill the void of unmet needs, many people pleasers turn to private outlets. These can be subtle at first: binge-watching shows to escape, scrolling endlessly on social media for validation, or indulging in comfort eating. But they can escalate into more repetitive or addictive patterns: compulsive shopping, overworking, or even substance use, as ways to self-soothe without asking for help from others. Fantasies play a big role here too; you might daydream about ideal scenarios where your needs are magically met, providing a temporary hit of fulfillment that real life isn’t delivering. These mechanisms aren’t “bad,” but they’re bandaids on a deeper wound. They allow you to function without confronting the suppression, yet they often leave you feeling more isolated, as the gap between your inner world and outer relationships widens.

Why Simply Saying “No” Isn’t Sufficient

You’ve likely heard the advice: “Just say no!” It sounds straightforward, empowering even. But for people pleasers, this approach often backfires, failing to address the root issues and sometimes making things worse. Here’s why relying solely on “no” as your boundary-setting tool isn’t enough:

  1. It Triggers an Overwhelming Guilt Response: For people pleasers, saying “no” isn’t just a word—it’s a battle against ingrained guilt. This guilt acts like a muscle that’s been overdeveloped from years of prioritizing others, while your “no” muscle is weak and unpracticed. Think of it like trying to hold a plank exercise: you might manage it for a short burst, but eventually, the strain wins, and you collapse back into old habits. The guilt floods in, whispering that you’re being selfish or unkind, eroding your resolve over time. Without addressing this emotional undercurrent, “no” becomes unsustainable, leading to inconsistency and self-doubt.
  2. It Keeps the Focus on Others’ Needs, Not Yours: When boundaries are framed purely as saying “no,” they become reactive—a response to someone else’s request, prompt, or demand. You’re still operating within their framework, evaluating whether to approve or deny their wants. This setup diminishes your own agency; your needs and desires remain in the shadows, unexamined and unexpressed. True boundaries aren’t just about deflection; they’re about proactively asserting what you require for your well-being. By shifting away from this binary yes/no dynamic tied to others, you can start centering your inner world, making space for what you truly want without waiting for an external cue.
  3. It Fosters an Adversarial View of Relationships: Viewing boundaries solely through the lens of “no” can unconsciously pit you against others, turning relationships into potential battlegrounds. It heightens a subtle paranoia that, without constant vigilance, people will take from you unilaterally—draining your time, energy, or emotions. This mindset breeds defensiveness and mistrust, making connections feel like negotiations rather than collaborations. Over time, it reinforces isolation, as you anticipate exploitation rather than mutual support. Healthy boundaries, in contrast, build bridges by communicating needs openly, inviting reciprocity instead of erecting walls.

In short, while saying “no” has its place, it’s a surface-level tactic that doesn’t heal the deeper patterns of people-pleasing. To create lasting change, we need to go beyond it.

How Depth Psychology Can Guide You Toward Healthy Boundaries

Depth psychology, which explores the unconscious layers of the mind, offers a compassionate framework for breaking this cycle. It doesn’t just focus on surface behaviors like saying “no”; it dives into why you’re suppressing your needs in the first place and how to integrate them back into your life. Here’s a step-by-step approach inspired by this perspective:

1. Examine Your Fantasies for Clues to Suppressed Needs

Those private daydreams or repetitive behaviors aren’t random. Instead, they’re windows into what you’re missing. Start by journaling about them without judgment. What scenarios do you fantasize about? Being cherished without having to ask? Having space to pursue your passions? These often reveal core needs like emotional safety, autonomy, or validation that you’re not expressing in your relationships. By bringing them into awareness, you begin to validate them yourself, reducing the urge to hide them away.

2. Empathetically Unpack Why These Needs Feel Unattainable

Next, explore the “why” behind the suppression with kindness toward yourself. Depth psychology encourages looking at past experiences that taught you needs are burdensome or dangerous. Maybe a caregiver dismissed your emotions, or a past partner punished honesty. Understanding this empathetically, as a survival strategy rather than a flaw, helps dissolve the shame. Ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I voice this need?” This self-compassion creates room to experiment with small risks, like sharing a minor preference, and builds trust that relationships can handle your authenticity.

3. Tune Into Nonverbal Cues in Your Current Relationships

Even when needs are suppressed, they leak out through subtle signals. Depth psychology teaches us to listen to these unconscious expressions as invitations to reconnect with ourselves. In your relationships, pay attention to moments when you feel “missed” or overlooked, these are often precursors to withdrawal. Here are five common nonverbal cues people pleasers can watch for:

  • Passive-Aggressive Tone or Sarcasm: A shift in your voice that hints at underlying frustration, like sighing heavily or making snide comments, signaling unmet emotional needs.
  • Checking Out or Dissociating: Suddenly feeling spaced out during conversations, as if your mind is wandering to escape discomfort from ignored boundaries.
  • Physical Tension: Clenching your jaw, fidgeting, or crossing your arms tightly, which might indicate you’re holding back anger or sadness about not being heard.
  • Avoidance Behaviors: Procrastinating on shared tasks or finding excuses to be alone, pointing to a need for space that’s not being articulated.
  • Over-Apologizing or Deflecting: Habitually saying “sorry” for minor things or changing the subject when it gets personal, revealing fear of asserting your true feelings.

By noticing these cues in real-time, you can pause and reflect: “What am I needing right now?” This awareness turns reactive withdrawal into proactive boundary-setting, fostering deeper, more balanced relationships.

Building healthy boundaries as a people pleaser isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about honoring your full humanity. With patience and the tools from depth psychology, you can move from suppression to expression, creating connections that nourish everyone involved. If this resonates, consider working with a therapist trained in depth approaches to personalize these steps. You’ve got this—start small, and watch your world expand.

FAQ

What exactly are healthy boundaries for people pleasers?

Healthy boundaries aren’t just about saying “no”—they’re about recognizing and honoring your own feelings and needs while maintaining connections with others. For people pleasers, this means shifting from reactive deflection to proactive self-expression, ensuring relationships are balanced and nourishing rather than one-sided.

Why does saying “no” trigger so much guilt for me?

Guilt is a common response for people pleasers because it’s tied to deep-seated beliefs that your worth comes from making others happy. Think of it like an overdeveloped muscle; over time, with practice and self-compassion, you can strengthen your ability to set boundaries without the guilt overwhelming you. Exploring the roots of this guilt through journaling or therapy can help reframe it.

How can I start paying attention to my own needs if I’ve ignored them for so long?

Begin small: Set aside quiet time each day to check in with yourself—ask, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” Journaling about fantasies or repetitive behaviors can reveal suppressed needs. Over time, tuning into nonverbal cues like physical tension or avoidance will make this awareness more natural.

Is people-pleasing always a problem?

Not inherently—it’s a strength in empathy and adaptability. The issue arises when it leads to self-neglect, resentment, or unbalanced relationships. The goal isn’t to stop pleasing others entirely but to include yourself in the equation for sustainable, fulfilling connections.

How does depth psychology differ from other approaches to boundaries?

Depth psychology goes beyond surface tips like “just say no” by exploring unconscious patterns, past experiences, and hidden needs. It uses tools like examining fantasies and empathetic self-inquiry to create lasting change, rather than quick fixes that often fail for people pleasers.

What if my partner or loved ones don’t respect my new boundaries?

Start by communicating clearly and calmly, explaining your needs without blame. If resistance persists, it may highlight deeper issues in the relationship. Consider couples therapy or professional support to navigate this—remember, true respect is mutual, and enforcing boundaries might reveal whether the relationship can adapt.

Can I practice these steps on my own, or do I need a therapist?

You can absolutely start solo with journaling, self-reflection, and noticing cues. However, a therapist trained in depth psychology can provide personalized guidance, especially for unpacking complex past experiences. It’s like having a map versus exploring uncharted territory alone—both work, but support speeds up the process.

How long does it take to build healthy boundaries?

It varies, but expect gradual progress rather than overnight change. Start with small wins, like expressing a minor preference, and build from there. Consistency and patience are key; many people notice shifts in weeks to months, with deeper integration over time.

Quick Guide: Establishing Healthy Boundaries as a People Pleaser

Use this step-by-step as a handy reference to start building boundaries that honor your needs without relying solely on “no.”

Step 1: Recognize the Core Issue

  • Acknowledge the Disconnect: Notice how you ignore your own feelings and needs to prioritize others. This leads to imbalance in relationships and personal burnout.
  • Identify Problems Caused: In relationships: resentment, superficial connections, emotional distance. In yourself: anxiety, low self-esteem, physical symptoms like fatigue.
  • Quick Check-In: Daily, ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” Journal for 5 minutes to build awareness.

Step 2: Understand the Hidden Consequences

  • Spot Withdrawal Patterns: When overwhelmed, you might detach emotionally, cancel plans, or zone out—creating instability in relationships.
  • Examine Secret Coping: Reflect on private habits (e.g., binge-watching, fantasies, overeating) as signs of unmet needs. These are temporary fixes that increase isolation.
  • Action Tip: List 3 recent “escape” behaviors and what needs they might fulfill (e.g., validation, rest).

Step 3: Why “Just Say No” Isn’t Enough

  • Guilt Overpowers: “No” triggers guilt like a weak muscle giving out—it’s unsustainable without addressing emotional roots.
  • Reactive Focus: It centers others’ wants, not yours, keeping your needs sidelined.
  • Creates Adversity: Frames relationships as threats, fostering paranoia instead of trust.
  • Shift Mindset: Move from deflection to assertion—focus on expressing your “yes” to your own needs first.

Step 4: Apply Depth Psychology Tools

  • Examine Fantasies (Clue to Needs): Journal about daydreams or repetitive behaviors. Ask: “What need is this revealing (e.g., safety, autonomy)?”
  • Unpack the “Why” Empathetically: Explore past experiences that made needs feel unsafe. Use self-compassion: “This was a survival strategy—now I can choose differently.”
  • Tune Into Nonverbal Cues: Watch for signs you’re feeling missed:
  1. Passive-aggressive tone (e.g., sighing, sarcasm).
  2. Checking out (mind wandering).
  3. Physical tension (jaw clenching, fidgeting).
  4. Avoidance (procrastinating tasks, seeking solitude).
  5. Over-apologizing or deflecting.
  • Response Tip: When a cue arises, pause and reflect: “What do I need here?” Then express it calmly (e.g., “I need a moment to think”).

Step 5: Build and Maintain Boundaries

  • Start Small: Practice in low-stakes situations, like stating a preference (e.g., “I’d prefer tea over coffee”).
  • Foster Reciprocity: Share needs openly to invite mutual support, turning relationships collaborative.
  • Seek Support if Needed: Journal solo or consult a depth psychology therapist for deeper work.
  • Track Progress: Weekly, note one win (e.g., “Expressed a need without guilt”) to build momentum.

Remember, this is about self-honoring, not selfishness. With consistent practice, you’ll create nourishing relationships. Refer back to the full article for more depth!

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The Pros and Cons of Adoption
Parenting, Testing and Assessment

The Pros and Cons of Adoption: What to Know Before You Choose

Written by Jamen

Adoption is one of the most meaningful — and complex — decisions a person or family can make. Whether you’re considering adopting a child or placing a child for adoption, this journey involves both love and loss, hope and uncertainty.

At Here Counseling, we’ve supported individuals, couples, and families navigating the emotional side of adoption. This article explores the real-life pros and cons of adoption — not to sway you in one direction, but to help you feel seen, informed, and supported no matter where you are in the process.

What Adoption Can Mean — A Quick Primer

“Adoption” isn’t a single path. There are several types, including private domestic infant adoption, foster-to-adopt, and international adoption. You’ll also hear terms like open adoption, where contact remains between birth and adoptive families, and closed adoption, where no contact or identifying information is shared.

Private domestic infant adoption, the most common in the U.S., usually involves a licensed agency guiding both the adoptive and birth parents. Foster-to-adopt and international adoptions often include different regulations, timelines, and emotional experiences — each with its own joys and challenges.

No matter the path, adoption always begins with courage — the courage to choose what feels best for the child at the center of it all.

The Pros of Adoption

A Child Receives a Life of Opportunity

One of the most beautiful aspects of adoption is the chance it gives a child to grow up in a loving, stable, and prepared home. Many adoptive parents have waited years to build a family, often through painful experiences with infertility or loss. Their readiness and emotional investment can create a nurturing environment for a child to thrive.

Birth Parents Find Support and a New Beginning

For birth parents, choosing adoption can be a deeply selfless act — one that reflects love, not abandonment. Many agencies and counselors provide resources, emotional support, and even financial assistance during pregnancy and beyond. While the grief that follows adoption is real, birth parents often describe peace in knowing they gave their child the life and opportunities they hoped for.

Adoptive Parents Get to Build the Family They Dreamed Of

Adoption allows hopeful parents to experience the joy of raising a child, something many thought might never be possible. Holding a child for the first time, celebrating milestones, and creating a shared story of love and belonging are among life’s greatest gifts.

Lifelong Relationships Can Grow Through Open Adoption

Open adoption has become more common, helping to maintain healthy connections between birth and adoptive families. This transparency benefits everyone involved — especially the child, who can grow up with a sense of identity, belonging, and understanding of where they come from.

When done thoughtfully and with mutual respect, open adoption can be a lifelong bridge built on honesty and love.

The Cons and Challenges of Adoption

The Grief and Loss Are Real

Even in the healthiest adoption stories, there’s loss. Birth parents may grieve deeply, even if they’re confident in their decision. Adoptive parents might experience their own sense of loss if they’ve faced infertility or long waits. And adoptees, regardless of how loved they are, may struggle with feelings of abandonment or identity confusion as they grow older.

This is why post-adoption counseling is so important — grief doesn’t disappear simply because an adoption is finalized.

The Process Can Be Costly and Complex

Private adoption can be financially demanding, often involving agency fees, legal processes, home studies, and medical expenses. While this helps ensure ethical, safe placements, the costs and paperwork can feel overwhelming.

Those seeking lower-cost options might explore foster-to-adopt programs, which come with their own emotional and bureaucratic challenges but can also provide loving homes for children who need stability.

Open and Closed Adoptions Both Have Difficulties

Open adoption can create tension if boundaries aren’t clearly defined or respected. Meanwhile, closed adoptions may leave unanswered questions for both the birth parents and the child. Neither is “better” — they simply carry different emotional dynamics.

Identity and Attachment Can Be Complex for Adoptees

Some adoptees grow up with questions about where they belong or why they were placed for adoption. Others may struggle with attachment, especially if they’ve experienced early trauma. These emotional patterns can emerge in childhood, adolescence, or even adulthood — and are best addressed with patient, trauma-informed therapy.

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Perspectives from the Adoption Triad

Every adoption involves three core perspectives — the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adoptee.

Birth parents may feel pride, love, and heartbreak all at once. Adoptive parents often navigate gratitude and anxiety about “getting it right.” And adoptees, depending on their age and experience, may carry a mix of love and loss that evolves throughout their life.

No one in this triad is “wrong” for how they feel. Therapy provides a space to hold those truths with compassion and find meaning within them.

Agency Support vs. Therapeutic Support

Adoption agencies manage logistics: matching, legal steps, and financial processes. They’re vital partners in making adoption ethical and safe.

But once the paperwork is signed, the emotional story continues — and that’s where therapy steps in. At Here Counseling, we help individuals and families process the complex feelings that come with adoption: grief, attachment wounds, anxiety, and questions about belonging.

Agencies create families. Therapists help those families stay emotionally connected and resilient.

How Adoption and Mental Health Intersect

Adoption is more than a legal process — it’s a lifelong emotional journey. Therapy often supports:

  • Adoptees exploring identity, belonging, and attachment.
  • Birth parents are processing grief, guilt, or complicated emotions.
  • Adoptive parents managing expectations, boundaries, and family dynamics.

Approaches such as attachment-based therapy, trauma-informed care, and family systems therapy can help everyone involved build understanding and healing.

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Questions to Ask Before Choosing Adoption

Before taking the next step, it may help to ask yourself:

  • What level of openness feels right for me — open, semi-open, or closed?
  • Am I emotionally and financially ready for this commitment?
  • What support systems will I have in place during and after the process?
  • How will I navigate potential contact between birth and adoptive families?
  • Do I have access to counseling or a community of others who’ve walked this path?

These questions aren’t meant to discourage you — they’re meant to help you move forward with clarity and confidence.

Post-Placement Support: What Comes Next

Adoption doesn’t end with placement; it evolves. Families often find new emotional challenges months or years later — especially around anniversaries, birthdays, or life transitions.

Post-placement therapy can help families maintain open communication, navigate grief, and strengthen the emotional bonds that make adoption thrive. Birth parents, too, often benefit from ongoing counseling as they redefine their sense of self and purpose after adoption.

At Here Counseling, we’re here to help at every stage — before, during, and long after the adoption process.

FAQs

What are the disadvantages of adoption?

Adoption can bring grief, emotional challenges, and high costs. For adoptees, identity and attachment issues can arise, which may require long-term emotional support.

Is adoption traumatic for the child?

Some adoptees experience early trauma or questions about identity, especially in closed or disrupted adoptions. However, with a loving home and supportive therapy, many thrive.

What is open vs closed adoption?

Open adoption allows for ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families; closed adoption does not. The best choice depends on each family’s needs and boundaries.

How can therapy help during adoption?

Therapy helps all members of the triad process emotions, build healthy attachments, and manage expectations — before and after adoption.

How much does adoption cost?

Private adoption often includes agency and legal fees. Foster-to-adopt programs typically have lower costs but may involve more uncertainty.

Moving Forward

Whether you’re an adoptive parent, a birth parent, or an adoptee, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Adoption can be both beautiful and painful — and both emotions deserve space.

At Here Counseling, we provide a safe, compassionate place to explore what adoption means for you and your family. Reach out today to learn how therapy can support you in building understanding, healing, and connection through every stage of the process.

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what are adoptive families
Parenting, Testing and Assessment

What Are Adoptive Families? Understanding Love, Belonging, and the Meaning of Family

Written by Jamen

Every family is built differently. Some come together through birth, others through choice—and some through the deeply meaningful process of adoption.
At its heart, adoption isn’t about replacing what was lost; it’s about expanding love. It’s about creating a safe, nurturing home where a child can belong, and where parents—biological, adoptive, or otherwise—can grow through the beautiful, sometimes challenging realities of connection.

At Here Counseling, we understand that adoption brings both joy and complexity. Families built through adoption often navigate layers of emotion, identity, and belonging that deserve compassion and understanding. Let’s explore what “adoptive families” truly are—and how therapy can help families thrive at every stage of the journey.

Defining Adoptive Families

An adoptive family is any family in which one or more children are legally and permanently placed with parents who are not their biological parents.
But beyond the legal definition lies something much deeper: the emotional bond that forms when people choose to care for and commit to one another.

Adoptive families come in many forms:

  • Single parents adopting independently
  • Couples adopting domestically or internationally
  • Step-parents formalizing bonds with their stepchildren
  • Families adopting children from foster care

Each story is unique, but all share the same foundation—a conscious decision to open one’s home and heart to a child.

The Emotional Landscape of Adoption

Adoption is both a beginning and a continuation. For adoptive parents, it often follows a long process—filled with hope, waiting, uncertainty, and sometimes grief. For adoptees, it involves transitions that can stir questions about identity, belonging, and self-worth.

Adoptive parents may feel a mix of gratitude and fear, joy at becoming parents, and concern about whether they’ll “do it right.”
Children may wrestle with questions like “Why was I adopted?” or “Where do I belong?”
And birth parents, when present in the process, may carry their own complex emotions of loss, hope, and love.

Understanding and supporting each perspective helps create a foundation for resilience and connection.

Read Also: Counseling for Adopted Adults

How Adoptive Families Form

There isn’t just one path to becoming an adoptive family. The process can differ based on the type of adoption and the people involved.

Domestic Adoption

This occurs when adoptive parents adopt a child born in the same country. It may be an open adoption—where birth parents and adoptive parents share contact—or closed, where identities remain confidential.

International Adoption

In international adoptions, families welcome children from other countries. This often involves navigating cultural differences, language barriers, and adjustment to a new environment—all of which can affect family identity and connection.

Foster-to-Adopt

Many children in foster care are waiting for permanent homes. Foster-to-adopt families provide both temporary care and, in many cases, long-term stability through adoption.

Relative and Stepparent Adoption

Sometimes adoption occurs within an extended family. A relative or stepparent may adopt a child to provide legal stability while preserving existing family ties.

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Challenges Adoptive Families May Face

Every family encounters challenges, but adoptive families may face some unique emotional and relational dynamics.

1. Identity and Belonging

Adopted children may struggle with understanding their origins or balancing dual identities—biological and adoptive. They might wonder, “Who am I, really?”
These feelings are normal and deserve space, compassion, and validation.

2. Attachment and Trust

Some children—especially those who’ve experienced early trauma, neglect, or multiple placements—may find it hard to trust. Building a secure attachment takes time, patience, and consistency.

3. Talking About Adoption

Parents often wonder when or how to talk about adoption. Should it be an ongoing conversation? How much information should a child know?
Most experts agree that openness and honesty—delivered in age-appropriate ways—help children feel secure in their identity.

4. Managing Expectations

Sometimes, adoption doesn’t look like the dream people imagined. Emotional or behavioral challenges, complicated relationships with birth families, or systemic barriers can feel overwhelming. Recognizing that these challenges are not failures—but natural parts of the journey—can be healing.

The Role of Therapy for Adoptive Families

Adoption doesn’t just bring people together—it reshapes lives. Therapy can help families process those changes and strengthen bonds.

For Adoptive Parents

Therapy offers space to explore feelings of uncertainty, guilt, or overwhelm that can accompany parenting an adopted child. It can also help parents learn tools for communication, attachment-building, and navigating relationships with birth families.

For Adoptees

Therapists trained in adoption issues help children and teens express emotions safely—whether it’s sadness, confusion, or anger—and begin building healthy self-esteem. Over time, therapy can foster a sense of identity that honors both their past and present.

For the Whole Family

Family counseling helps everyone work together—understanding each other’s experiences and learning to communicate in ways that foster empathy and connection.

At Here Counseling, our therapists work with adoptive families in Pasadena and beyond, offering both in-person and online sessions. We create a safe, nonjudgmental space for each family member to feel heard, supported, and valued.

What Healthy Adoptive Families Have in Common

While each adoptive family’s story is unique, thriving families often share some common threads:

  • Openness – They talk about adoption openly, without shame or secrecy.
  • Patience – They understand that connection takes time and healing happens gradually.
  • Flexibility – They adapt to the child’s needs, not just their expectations.
  • Empathy – They honor each person’s feelings—including the birth family’s.
  • Support – They seek help when needed, whether through therapy, community groups, or education.

No family gets everything “right.” But families who approach adoption with honesty, love, and willingness to grow often build lasting bonds that go far beyond biology.

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How Counseling Can Support the Adoption Journey

Adoption is not just a legal process—it’s an emotional one. Counseling offers tools to navigate that emotional terrain, both before and after adoption.

  • Pre-adoption counseling helps prospective parents prepare emotionally for adoption—the expectations, challenges, and changes it brings.
  • Post-adoption counseling supports adjustment once the child is home, helping families manage transitions and strengthen relationships.
  • Attachment-based therapy can help heal early wounds and promote secure relationships between parent and child.

At Here Counseling, our therapists approach every session with empathy and deep understanding. We don’t see families as needing to be “fixed”—we see them as human beings learning how to love each other better.

Celebrating Adoptive Families

At its core, adoption is about belonging. It’s about redefining family as a place where love isn’t limited by blood, but expanded by choice.

Adoptive families demonstrate every day that love can be built, that connection can grow, and that every child deserves a place to call home. While the journey may include moments of pain or uncertainty, it also carries extraordinary potential for healing and joy.

If you or someone you know is part of an adoptive family—or considering adoption—know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Compassionate support is available to help you understand, connect, and thrive together.

Support for Adoptive Families at Here Counseling

If you’re seeking adoption counseling or family therapy in Pasadena, Here Counseling provides a warm, trauma-informed space where families can heal and grow.
Whether you’re in the early stages of the adoption process or navigating complex emotions years later, our therapists are here to help you find clarity, resilience, and connection.

Reach out today to schedule an appointment—either in-office or online—and take the next step toward a deeper sense of belonging in your family’s journey.

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Counseling for Adopted Adults
Parenting, Testing and Assessment

Counseling for Adopted Adults: Finding Healing, Identity, and Connection

Written by Jamen

Adoption is not just a one-time event—it’s a lifelong journey that continues to shape people in unique ways. While adoption often brings stability, love, and opportunities, many adopted adults still carry questions, emotions, or memories that can feel confusing or heavy. Some struggle with identity, others with grief or relationships, and some simply feel “different” without fully understanding why.

That’s where counseling comes in. Therapy for adopted adults isn’t about labeling or pathologizing—it’s about creating a safe, supportive space where your whole story is welcome. Whether you’re searching for clarity, healing, or simply someone who understands, counseling can help adopted adults navigate complex feelings and build a stronger sense of self.

Why Adopted Adults May Seek Counseling

Adopted adults may look “fine” from the outside. Many have loving families, fulfilling careers, and strong social networks. Yet beneath the surface, adoption often leaves invisible imprints that surface during certain stages of life.

For example, some people only begin to grapple with adoption-related questions when they start their own families, become parents, or hit big milestones like marriage or career changes. Others may notice patterns in relationships—difficulty trusting, fear of abandonment, or avoiding closeness—that can be traced back to early attachment wounds.

It’s not about being “broken.” It’s about recognizing that adoption shapes identity and relationships in ways that deserve attention and care. Therapy gives adoptees a chance to explore these layers without judgment.

Common Challenges Adopted Adults Face

Every adopted adult’s story is different, but many share similar experiences:

1. Identity and Self-Understanding

Adoption often leaves people with questions about their roots: Where do I come from? Who am I beyond my adoption story? Even if you have a clear understanding of your adoptive family, you may wonder about your birth family, culture, or heritage. This sense of “in-between” can make self-identity feel fragmented or uncertain.

2. Grief and Loss

Even the most positive adoption story begins with separation. That early loss—whether remembered consciously or not—can resurface in adulthood. It might show up as sadness, confusion, or even guilt for feeling grief when you also feel gratitude for your adoptive family.

3. Attachment and Relationships

For some adoptees, early separation impacts how they bond with others. They may fear abandonment, struggle to trust, or swing between craving closeness and pulling away. These patterns can affect friendships, romantic partnerships, and even workplace dynamics.

4. Cultural or Racial Identity

In cases of transracial or international adoption, adoptees often grow up navigating two worlds. Questions about cultural identity, belonging, and community connection may feel especially complex.

These challenges don’t mean something is wrong—they reflect the reality of adoption’s complexity. Therapy can help unpack these experiences in a safe and validating way.

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How Counseling Supports Adopted Adults

Therapy is more than just “talking about feelings.” For adopted adults, it can be a process of reclaiming ownership of your story and finding ways to live with more clarity, peace, and connection.

In counseling, you can:

Make sense of complex emotions

Feelings of gratitude, grief, confusion, and love can all exist at once. Therapy helps sort through these emotions without shame.

Process trauma and loss

Even if adoption was a positive experience, early separation can create wounds that need healing.

Improve relationships

Therapy provides tools for building trust, setting boundaries, and forming healthier connections.

Explore your identity

Whether that means reconnecting with your birth culture, understanding family dynamics, or defining your own narrative, therapy helps you step into a fuller sense of self.

Ultimately, counseling isn’t about “fixing” you—it’s about helping you thrive with the full truth of your story.

Types of Therapy Approaches That Can Help

Every adopted adult’s journey is unique, which means there’s no one-size-fits-all therapy. Different approaches can meet different needs:

Individual Therapy

Private, one-on-one sessions with a therapist allow space to explore personal struggles, identity questions, and emotional healing.

Family Counseling

For adoptees who want to address dynamics with adoptive parents, biological relatives, or blended families, family therapy can help improve communication and understanding.

Group Therapy and Support Groups

Sharing space with other adopted adults can ease feelings of isolation. Many find comfort in realizing, “I’m not alone in this.”

Trauma-Focused Therapy

Modalities like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or somatic therapy help process deep-rooted trauma that talk therapy alone may not reach.

Narrative Therapy

This approach helps adoptees rewrite their personal stories—integrating adoption as part of their history without letting it define them entirely.

Common Questions Adopted Adults Bring to Therapy

Adoptees often carry questions they’ve never had the chance to say out loud. Therapy provides a safe space to finally ask them:

  • “Why do I sometimes feel like I don’t fully belong anywhere?”
  • “Is it normal to grieve a family I never knew?”
  • “Should I try to reconnect with my biological relatives?”
  • “Why do I fear being abandoned, even in stable relationships?”
  • “How do I make peace with feeling both grateful and resentful?”

Counseling doesn’t guarantee easy answers, but it creates room to explore these questions and discover personal truths at your own pace.

When to Consider Counseling as an Adopted Adult

Not every adoptee will feel the need for therapy—and that’s okay. But there are signs it may be time to seek support:

  • Feeling stuck in cycles of anxiety, grief, or anger
  • Struggling with trust or intimacy in relationships
  • Experiencing identity confusion or cultural disconnection
  • Facing life transitions that stir up old adoption-related feelings
  • Carrying a sense of “something missing” that you can’t shake

Choosing counseling isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage—a decision to give yourself the tools and space you deserve.

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Finding the Right Therapist for Adopted Adults

The relationship with your therapist matters as much as the approach they use. When searching for a counselor, consider asking:

  • “Do you have experience working with adopted adults?”
  • “How do you approach identity and grief in therapy?”
  • “Do you offer trauma-informed care?”
  • “Are sessions available online or in person?”

The best therapist will not only have training but also the ability to listen with empathy and hold space for your unique journey.

Counseling for Adopted Adults at Here Counseling

We understand that adoption is more than a chapter in your story—it’s part of your lifelong journey. Our therapists in Pasadena and Los Angeles provide a safe, compassionate space for adopted adults to explore identity, process emotions, and strengthen relationships.

Whether you’re navigating questions about your past, struggling with grief or belonging, or simply looking for someone who understands, our team is here to walk alongside you. We offer both in-person and online counseling, so you can access support in the way that feels most comfortable.

You don’t have to carry this alone. With the right therapist, healing and connection are possible.

Talk with our Care Coordinator today to be matched with a therapist who can support your unique journey as an adopted adult.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is counseling only for adoptees with difficult stories?

Not at all. Even adoptees with loving, stable families may struggle with questions or feelings tied to adoption.

Can therapy help if I don’t want to talk about my adoption?

Yes. You’re always in control of what you share. Therapy can focus on whatever feels most important to you.

What if I feel guilty for needing therapy when I had a “good” adoption?

Therapy isn’t about blame—it’s about giving yourself permission to process your experience fully, without guilt.

Can counseling help me if I’m thinking about searching for my biological family?

Yes. A therapist can support you through the emotional ups and downs of reconnecting—or deciding not to.

Is online therapy effective for adopted adults?

Absolutely. Virtual sessions offer flexibility and accessibility while still providing the same depth of support.

Final Thoughts: Healing Beyond Adoption

Being adopted is only one part of your story—it doesn’t define your whole life. But acknowledging its impact is an important step toward healing and growth.

Counseling for adopted adults creates space to honor your past while building a future that feels authentic and grounded. It’s about more than addressing pain; it’s about cultivating resilience, confidence, and connection.

If you’re an adopted adult carrying questions or emotions that feel too heavy to hold alone, therapy can help lighten the load. You deserve to feel whole, accepted, and at peace with your story.

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EMDR vs Somatic Experiencing
EMDR, Somatic Exercises

EMDR vs Somatic Experiencing: Which Helps With Trauma Triggers Faster?

Written by Jamen

Trauma can leave the body and mind reacting long after the event is over. Some people find themselves suddenly overwhelmed by flashbacks, anxiety, or physical sensations that seem to come out of nowhere. At Here Counseling, we often meet clients who ask — “Which therapy helps trauma triggers resolve faster: EMDR or Somatic Experiencing?”

Both are evidence-based trauma therapies, but they work in different ways. Understanding their differences can help you choose the approach that fits your healing process.

Understanding Trauma Triggers

Before comparing EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, it helps to understand what trauma triggers are.
A trauma trigger is anything — a sound, smell, word, or even a thought — that unconsciously reminds your body of a past traumatic experience. These triggers activate the same stress response as the original event, leading to panic, dissociation, or physical tension.

When triggers occur frequently, they can make daily life exhausting. Effective trauma therapy aims not just to manage these responses, but to reprocess the underlying memory so the body no longer perceives it as a current threat.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured, research-backed therapy designed to help people reprocess traumatic memories safely. Developed by Francine Shapiro, EMDR uses bilateral stimulation — such as eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones — while guiding you through recalling distressing experiences.

This process helps the brain move the memory from the “stuck” state in the limbic system to the rational part of the brain, where it can be processed without intense emotional charge.
Clients often describe it as being able to remember the trauma without reliving it.

What EMDR targets:

  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
  • Single-event trauma (accidents, assault, disasters)
  • Anxiety and panic
  • Emotional distress related to specific memories

In many cases, EMDR produces noticeable relief within fewer sessions compared to talk therapy, making it a powerful choice for individuals seeking structured trauma resolution.

What Is Somatic Experiencing?

Somatic Experiencing (SE), developed by Dr. Peter Levine, focuses on how trauma is stored in the body rather than in thoughts or memories. Trauma can leave the nervous system in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. Somatic Experiencing helps restore balance by gently guiding the body to release stored survival energy.

Rather than revisiting traumatic memories in detail, SE works by increasing awareness of bodily sensations — tension, tightness, breath patterns — and allowing these sensations to resolve gradually.

Somatic Experiencing helps with:

  • Chronic stress and burnout
  • Developmental or complex trauma
  • Anxiety and hypervigilance
  • Physical symptoms linked to emotional distress (e.g., muscle tightness, fatigue)

Sessions are often slower-paced and body-focused, emphasizing safety and regulation.

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EMDR vs Somatic Experiencing: How They Differ

Both therapies aim to reduce trauma symptoms and emotional reactivity, but they differ in focus and process.

AspectEMDRSomatic Experiencing
FocusReprocessing traumatic memoriesRegulating the nervous system and releasing body-held tension
ApproachUses bilateral stimulation to desensitize distressing memoriesUses body awareness to track and release trauma responses
Session StructureStructured and protocol-basedFluid and experiential
Ideal ForSingle-event trauma or PTSDChronic or developmental trauma
Speed of ResultsOften faster for specific memoriesGradual, deeper nervous system repair

If you’re looking for quicker symptom relief, EMDR may show progress sooner, especially for identifiable traumatic events.
If your trauma is long-term or linked to ongoing stress patterns, Somatic Experiencing may be a better long-term approach.

Which Works Faster for Trauma Triggers?

The question of speed depends on the type of trauma and how your nervous system responds to treatment.

EMDR is generally faster for acute trauma — such as a car accident, loss, or assault — because it helps reprocess a specific event. Clients often notice a decrease in emotional intensity after a few sessions.

Somatic Experiencing, on the other hand, is more effective for chronic stress or complex trauma, where the body has learned to stay in a constant state of alert. The process is slower, but it creates foundational nervous system regulation, which reduces the intensity of future triggers.

In other words, EMDR tends to address the “flash” of the memory, while Somatic Experiencing addresses the body’s ongoing reaction to that flash. Many trauma-informed clinicians integrate both methods to achieve faster and deeper healing.

The Science Behind EMDR and Somatic Experiencing

Both EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are grounded in neuroscience.

  • EMDR works by activating the brain’s natural reprocessing system, similar to what occurs during REM sleep. This helps integrate fragmented memories into normal narrative memory.
  • Somatic Experiencing targets the autonomic nervous system — the network controlling stress responses. By releasing stored tension, SE helps restore a sense of safety and presence.

Research supports both approaches. The APA and WHO recognize EMDR as an effective trauma therapy. Somatic Experiencing is supported by emerging studies showing reductions in anxiety, PTSD symptoms, and physiological stress markers.

Choosing Between EMDR and Somatic Experiencing

Choosing a trauma therapy depends on your history, symptoms, and what feels safe for you.
At Here Counseling, we often discuss the following with clients before deciding on a treatment plan:

  • Nature of the trauma: Was it a single event or repeated over time?
  • Body awareness: Do you feel disconnected from your body, or overly reactive to sensations?
  • Comfort level: Are you comfortable revisiting traumatic memories, or would you rather work indirectly through sensations?
  • Therapy goals: Are you seeking faster symptom relief or long-term regulation?

Both methods can be effective, and sometimes combining them — for instance, using Somatic Experiencing to ground the body before EMDR — leads to better outcomes.

Can EMDR and Somatic Experiencing Be Combined?

Yes. Many trauma therapists integrate both modalities.
For example, a client might start with Somatic Experiencing to build safety and body awareness. Once their nervous system feels more regulated, EMDR can help reprocess specific traumatic memories without overwhelming the body.

This integrated approach allows for both emotional desensitization and physical release — a balance that helps reduce trauma triggers more sustainably.

The Role of the Therapist

The effectiveness of trauma therapy depends not only on the method but also on the therapeutic relationship.
At Here Counseling, our trauma-informed therapists are trained in EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and integrative approaches. We focus on pacing sessions according to your nervous system’s readiness, ensuring you feel supported and grounded throughout your healing journey.

Every client’s trauma story is unique. Our goal isn’t just to help you cope with triggers, but to help your mind and body truly feel safe again.

When to Seek Help for Trauma Trigger

If you find yourself:

  • Easily startled or anxious
  • Reliving past events through flashbacks or nightmares
  • Feeling detached from your body or surroundings
  • Physically tense or fatigued without clear reason

you may be experiencing unresolved trauma responses.
Reaching out for help doesn’t mean your trauma defines you — it means you’re ready to take back control of your life.

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How We Help at Here Counseling

Whether through EMDR therapy in Pasadena or Somatic Experiencing sessions, we help clients process trauma safely and effectively — in person or through secure online sessions.

We focus on creating a space where you can understand your triggers, regulate your nervous system, and move toward lasting emotional balance.

If you’re unsure which approach is right for you, we’ll guide you through the options, explain what to expect, and design a plan that fits your comfort level and goals.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is EMDR better than Somatic Experiencing for PTSD?
 Both are effective for PTSD. EMDR is usually faster for single-event trauma, while Somatic Therapy helps with chronic or developmental trauma.

How many sessions will I need?
 It varies. EMDR may bring relief in several sessions; Somatic Experiencing often requires a longer process for deep nervous system regulation.

Can I do these therapies online?
 Yes. Both EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can be conducted virtually with proper therapist guidance.

Do I need to relive my trauma during EMDR?
 No. You recall the event briefly but from a safe and guided state. The goal is to reprocess, not to retraumatize.

Can I combine EMDR with Somatic Experiencing?
 Absolutely. Many clients benefit from integrating both to balance emotional and physical healing.

Begin Healing With Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

Healing from trauma isn’t about erasing the past — it’s about freeing your body and mind from its grip.
At Here Counseling, we offer EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapy in Pasadena, helping you manage trauma triggers, rebuild safety, and move forward with greater calm and confidence.

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deep breathing isn't working to treat addiction
Managing emotions

Addiction isn’t About Genes, It’s About Shame: How to Re-Understand Addiction with Psychoanalysis

Written by herecounseling

You’re wondering why you or a loved one struggles with addiction. Usually a quick internet search gives two tidy yet disappointing answers: (1) It’s genetic, or (2) it’s self-destructive behavior. But you know from experience addiction is much more complex.

This article explores how addiction can arise from shame. We’ll look at addiction through the lens of self-psychology, a branch of psychoanalysis, to help you understand that the struggles of addiction can be tied to unmet needs for affection and autonomy, rather than just biology or self-sabotage. By recognizing the role of shame, you can begin to approach healing with compassion for yourself.

Traditional Views of Addiction Fall Short

Society often views addiction through a medicalized lens, focusing on individual vulnerabilities to substances. This perspective emphasizes biological and behavioral factors but overlooks the obvious emotional underpinnings that drive addictive behaviors.

Common Medicalized Explanations for Addiction

  • Genetic Explanations: Research suggests that certain genetic predispositions can increase susceptibility to addiction, making some individuals more reactive to substances like alcohol or opioids.
  • Self-Sabotage Explanations: Addiction is sometimes framed as a form of unconscious self-destruction, where individuals engage in harmful behaviors due to low self-esteem or unresolved trauma.

While these views provide partial insights, they don’t fully address why addiction feels so intertwined with personal shame.

Shame Drives Addiction in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology, developed by Heinz Kohut, shifts the focus to shame as a core driver of addiction. In this framework, addiction arises from early experiences where natural needs for connection and independence are suppressed, leading to a cycle of hidden longings and self-reproach. Understanding this helps explain “why do some people have addiction”. It’s often a maladaptive attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs in a private, shame-filled way.

Close Relationships Build a Healthy Self

Self-psychology emphasizes the development of a healthy and strong self through close and loving caregivers. Psychological health depends on taking in positive interactions that foster independence and intimacy.

Selfobjects are people, things, or experiences outside of us that help build and keep our sense of who we are. They meet key emotional needs. They’re especially important when kids are growing up, but they matter all through life. There are three main kinds: mirroring (which makes you feel valued), idealizing (which gives you strength from someone you look up to), and twinship (which makes you feel like you belong because of similarities).

Traditional View Of AddictionSelf-Psychology View of Addiction
Focuses on genetic vulnerabilities and self-sabotageEmphasizes shame from unmet relational needs
Treats addiction as a biological diseaseSees addiction as a dysregulated attempt to fulfill longings for affection and autonomy
Interventions: Medication and behavioral therapyInterventions: Building awareness and healthy selfobject relationships

Examples of Selfobjects in Self-Psychology

Mirroring Selfobjects

These help by showing approval and making the child feel special and seen, which builds confidence.

  • A mom who gets really excited and claps when her child takes their first steps, making the kid feel proud and important.
  • A dad who smiles and says “Great job!” when his child shows him a drawing, helping the kid feel noticed and good about themselves.
  • A parent who cheers for their child’s little wins, like learning to tie shoes, which makes the kid feel capable.

Idealizing Selfobjects

These help by being a strong, calm role model that the child can admire and feel safe with.

  • A child seeing their dad as a hero who stays calm during a scary storm, which helps the kid feel protected.
  • A parent acting as a wise helper during homework time, giving the child a sense of security and something to look up to.
  • A mom who stays steady and comforting when her child falls and gets hurt, easing the kid’s worries.

Twinship (Alter-Ego) Selfobjects

These help by creating a feeling of being similar and connected, like you’re on the same team.

  • A parent and child doing a fun activity together, like planting flowers in the garden, which makes the kid feel like they share the same interests.
  • A dad playing sports with his child who loves the same games, building a bond through feeling alike.
  • A mom working on a puzzle side by side with her child, giving comfort from the shared way they think and do things.

Each of these helps a child build the ability to feel affection and autonomy. Affection is the ability to feel close, intimate, soothed, and safe. Autonomy is the ability to feel proud, independent, strong, and capable.

Without Close Relationships, Shame Grows

When parents fail to meet a child’s needs for affection and autonomy, shame emerges, forcing the child to suppress natural emotions.

  1. Parental shortcomings cause the child to feel ashamed of their desires for connection and independence.
  2. These desires become unavailable and threatening to the parent-child bond.
  3. The child disavows their experiences, suppressing longings instead of expressing them through hugs or prideful moments.
  4. Suppressed selfobject needs don’t vanish; they retreat into private fantasies within the child’s mind.
  5. These fantasies can become dysregulated, mixing pleasure with overwhelming shame.

This process sets the stage for later struggles, including addiction, as individuals seek to recapture these denied experiences in unhealthy ways.

Addiction Follows Early Shame

The addictive experience parallels the child’s retreat into fantasy, where suppressed needs for power, goodness, and connection manifest in a chaotic blend of pleasure and shame.

Parallels Between Childhood Shame and Adult Addiction

  • People with addictions, like kids who felt ashamed, see their needs for feeling affectionate and autonomous as inherently bad.
  • They turn to substances for love and freedom, feeling a blend of nice relief and guilty shame about themselves, just like the kid’s out-of-control daydreams.
  • They criticize themselves, feeling they’ve indulged too much, or have been too selfish.
  • They’re unaware of the good longings behind their chaotic behavior.
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Healing Involves Awareness and Relational Fulfillment

Recovery in self-psychology focuses on uncovering the good longings – typically for love and freedom – at addiction’s core. This awareness fosters self-acceptance and encourages seeking these states in healthy relationships without shame. Therapy can help rebuild selfobject experiences, reducing reliance on substances.

Treatment Goals in Self-Psychology

Self-psychology therapy sets goals in three key areas: your inner thoughts and feelings (intrapsychic), your daily actions (behavioral), and your connections with others (relational). These goals help you address the shame and unmet needs at the root of addiction.

Inner Goals: Rebuilding Your Sense of Self

The focus here is on exploring and accepting your hidden feelings of shame about needing love and independence. Therapy helps you see these needs as normal, not weak or bad, so you can feel more whole inside without constant self-doubt. This is a challenge. In response to the rejection you faced early on, your mind forms defenses that keep you from accepting love for yourself. A good psychoanalytic therapist will help you through these obstacles so you can soothe yourself and experience inner strength.

Behavioral Goals: Changing Habits Step by Step

This involves looking at why you turn to substances and finding healthier ways to meet those same needs. Instead of strict rules, you’ll learn to pause during cravings and try new actions that make you feel good or in control in positive ways. Behavioral change isn’t about abstinence, it’s about practicing new ways to respond to your growing awareness of your needs for affection and autonomy. The more you can find healthy ways to direct your emotional energy, the less you tend to rely on addictive behaviors.

Relational Goals: Connecting Without Fear

Therapy uses your relationship with the therapist as a safe practice ground to express needs openly. The aim is to rebuild trust in others, so you can seek closeness and freedom in relationships without hiding or feeling ashamed. When you learn to accept affection and autonomy within yourself, we expect that your relationships change as well. You’ll find new ways to ask for and give love to those close to you. You won’t be as withdrawn or angry, but rather will be able to engage with your partner without shame. These changes can make a significant difference in your daily life.

What Healing Looks Like

As you move forward, progress shows up in small, meaningful shifts across the three areas, building on the supportive bond with your therapist.

  • Inner Progress: You’ll start noticing and naming shame without letting it overwhelm you. Over time, this turns into self-acceptance, where you view your longings for connection as valid. You might feel less empty or self-critical, replaced by a growing sense of inner strength.
  • Behavioral Progress: Early signs include spotting patterns in your habits, like linking cravings to loneliness. As you experiment, you’ll replace old behaviors with new ones, such as choosing a walk over a substance. Progress feels like more control and fewer automatic reactions, leading to habits that truly satisfy you.
  • Relational Progress: You’ll begin sharing more honestly in therapy, feeling heard without judgment. This builds confidence to do the same with others, reducing isolation. Progress means relationships where you can be yourself, with less fear of rejection and more genuine bonds.

Slips can happen, but they’re seen as chances to learn, not failures, helping you stay compassionate toward yourself.

Timeline of Expected Changes

Healing unfolds gradually, with the therapist’s empathy guiding you. Here’s what changes might look like in initial treatment (first few months) versus longer-term (6 months and beyond), affecting your daily life.

Initial Treatment: Building Foundations

In the early stages, expect subtle shifts as you get comfortable in therapy. Inner changes might include less intense self-hate and starting to spot shame triggers during the day. Behaviorally, you could track cravings in a journal, leading to small wins like delaying a habit once or twice a week—maybe better sleep or more energy follows. Relationally, therapy feels like a safe space to open up a bit, reducing some loneliness, though daily interactions might still feel guarded. Overall, life may seem a little less chaotic, with glimmers of hope.

Longer-Term Changes: Deeper Transformation

As time goes on, changes become more noticeable and lasting. Inner growth brings a steadier sense of self, where you wake up feeling okay and handle stress with kinder thoughts, cutting down on overwhelming urges. Behaviorally, new habits stick, like regular hobbies or coping tools, freeing up time and boosting accomplishments—you might notice improved health or focus at work. Relationally, you’ll form stronger connections outside therapy, sharing needs with friends or family, leading to less isolation and more joy in social time. Daily life often feels lighter and more authentic, with addiction fading as you embrace real fulfillment.

Many clients report feeling more alive and capable of true happiness. If this sounds helpful, reaching out to one of our therapists is a good way to start.

Overcome Addiction in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We’ve been serving Pasadena and Los Angeles for the past 10 years, helping people just like you understand and overcome the root of addiction. In our clients, addiction has show up in many ways: alcohol, pornography, social media, food, illegal substances, and gambling.

Other solutions can unwittingly create a cycle of shame. Many treatments for addiction focus on compliance: Monitoring and aiming to reduce addictive behaviors. While this sounds like a no-nonsense way to approach a destructive habit, our experience and research shows that behavioral interventions serve as temporary fixes to a much deeper problem. If compliance is the only goal, the addictive behavior will transfer to another behavior. For example, a person reduces their alcohol consumption, but secretly begins gambling instead. This is because the shame beneath the addictive behavior was never addressed, but was instead exasperated by the treatment.

Our approach is to increase awareness as to the emotional need behind the addictive impulse. Building awareness moves you from reactivity to agency; you become more empowered to make a choice about what to do with your feeling.

Reach out today for a free consultation with one of our therapists.

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Ossanna Amran therapy for depression in pasadena
Ossanna Amran
Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression and Men in Pasadena
Andrew Wong, MA
Trauma therapy in Pasadena with Julia Wilson, MA
Julia Wilson, MA

Frequently Asked Questions About Addiction and Shame

What Role Does Psychoanalysis Play in Understanding Addiction?

Psychoanalysis, including self-psychology, explores how early relational dynamics contribute to addiction, shifting focus from substances to emotional deficits.

Why Do Some People Develop Addiction While Others Don’t?

Individual differences in early experiences of shame and selfobject failures can make some more prone to using substances as a coping mechanism.

How Can I Overcome the Shame Associated with Addiction?

Start by recognizing shame as a learned response, then work with a therapist to reframe your longings as healthy and pursue them relationally.

Is Self-Psychology Effective for All Types of Addiction?

While it complements medical treatments, self-psychology is particularly helpful for addressing the emotional roots of behavioral and substance addictions.

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100 therapy questions
Testing and Assessment

100 Reflective Therapy Questions to Deepen Self-Awareness and Growth

Written by Jamen

Sometimes the hardest part of therapy is knowing where to begin. The right question can open new doors, spark insights, and lead to growth you didn’t think possible. Whether you’re exploring these prompts in journaling, with a therapist, or simply during quiet reflection, the questions below are designed to support self-awareness, healing, and long-term growth.

How to Approach These Questions

  • Take your time. There’s no need to answer all 100. Even one question, explored fully, can shift your perspective.
  • Choose what feels safe. Some prompts may touch on painful memories or vulnerabilities. It’s okay to skip or return later.
  • Use multiple methods. Write, talk them through with a therapist, or even reflect on a walk.
  • Allow emotion. If something stirs sadness, anger, or fear, pause and breathe. Therapy is about compassion, not judgment.

Questions About the Past & Childhood (1–15)

Exploring your history can reveal the roots of today’s patterns.

  1. What early memory feels most vivid to you?
  2. How was love expressed in your family?
  3. Which experiences shaped your sense of safety?
  4. Did you feel truly seen as a child? By whom?
  5. What role did you play in your family (helper, peacekeeper, rebel)?
  6. What unspoken rules guided your household?
  7. What did you learn about handling emotions as a child?
  8. Were there moments when you felt deeply misunderstood?
  9. What gave you comfort growing up?
  10. How did school experiences shape your self-esteem?
  11. What was your first experience of loss or grief?
  12. What part of childhood do you miss most?
  13. What wounds from the past still echo in the present?
  14. Which childhood dreams did you leave behind?
  15. How has your relationship with your family changed over time?
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Questions About Beliefs & Inner Narratives (16–30)

These prompts uncover the stories you tell yourself.

  1. What belief about yourself feels hardest to let go of?
  2. How do you explain your successes to yourself?
  3. What thoughts repeat most often in your mind?
  4. Which beliefs help you feel strong?
  5. Which beliefs hold you back?
  6. How do you view mistakes — as failures or as teachers?
  7. What assumptions do you make about how others see you?
  8. How do you measure whether you’re “enough”?
  9. What hidden rules do you live by?
  10. How has culture or community shaped your values?
  11. What role does perfectionism play in your life?
  12. How do you talk to yourself when you’re struggling?
  13. Which parts of your identity feel most certain?
  14. Which beliefs do you wish you could rewrite?

If you let go of one limiting story, what might open up?

Questions About Emotions & Inner Life (31–45)

Emotions are signals — not problems to fix.

  1. Which feeling do you find hardest to accept?
  2. How does your body show you’re anxious?
  3. When do you feel most at peace?
  4. What sparks joy in your daily life?
  5. When do you feel the most anger?
  6. How do you soothe yourself when overwhelmed?
  7. What emotion comes most naturally to you?
  8. What feelings make you want to shut down?
  9. When was the last time you felt truly free?
  10. What does sadness feel like in your body?
  11. How do you react to feeling vulnerable?
  12. Which emotions do you allow others to see?
  13. How do you carry grief?
  14. When did you last feel proud of yourself?
  15. What does emotional safety mean to you?

Questions About Identity & Self-Concept (46–60)

These help you reflect on who you are beyond labels.

  1. Who are you when roles and titles are stripped away?
  2. What makes you feel most authentic?
  3. When do you feel like you’re performing?
  4. What do you want people to remember about you?
  5. What qualities define your character?
  6. What parts of yourself do you hide out of fear?
  7. When do you feel most confident?
  8. How do you define “home” for yourself?
  9. What values guide your everyday choices?
  10. What part of your identity feels in transition?
  11. Who are you becoming right now?
  12. How do you want to describe yourself in five years?
  13. What qualities do you admire in others — and also carry yourself?
  14. How do you relate to your inner critic?
  15. What would self-acceptance look like for you today?

Questions About Relationships & Connection (61–75)

Relationships can mirror both your strengths and wounds.

  1. Who makes you feel safest?
  2. What friendships energize you most?
  3. Which relationships drain you — and why?
  4. How do you express care for others?
  5. What makes you feel most loved?
  6. How do you respond to conflict?
  7. What role do boundaries play in your connections?
  8. Who do you still need to forgive?
  9. How do you rebuild trust once it’s broken?
  10. What makes intimacy possible for you?
  11. Which relationships feel unfinished?
  12. How do you show up when someone else is hurting?
  13. What patterns repeat in your partnerships?
  14. How do you balance independence and closeness?
  15. Who in your life really “gets” you?

6. Questions About Work, Stress & Purpose (76–85)

Because our careers often shape identity and stress levels.

  1. What first drew you to your current line of work?
  2. How do you know when you’re nearing burnout?
  3. What does a “balanced” work life look like for you?
  4. How much of your identity comes from your job?
  5. What gives you purpose in your work?
  6. What drains your energy at work most?
  7. How do you handle pressure and deadlines?
  8. What boundaries could protect your well-being at work?
  9. What’s one small change that would make work feel better?
  10. How do you define success on your own terms?

7. Questions About Growth, Future & Healing (86–100)

These prompts turn toward what’s possible.

  1. What does healing mean for you right now?
  2. What scares you about change?
  3. What excites you about change?
  4. How do you know when you’re growing?
  5. What dream do you want to revisit?
  6. How do you practice self-compassion?
  7. What would you do if you trusted yourself more?
  8. What small daily habit would change your life over time?
  9. How do you want to feel one year from now?
  10. What legacy do you want to leave behind?
  11. Who do you want to become?
  12. What part of your life feels most ready for renewal?
  13. How do you create hope when things feel heavy?
  14. What future vision brings you peace?
  15. If fear weren’t in the way, what’s the first step you’d take?
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Why These Questions Matter

Reflecting on questions like these can:

  • Increase self-awareness and compassion
  • Reveal patterns you may not have noticed
  • Provide clarity during transitions or stress
  • Strengthen therapy sessions by giving you starting points

They’re not about “right” answers — they’re about inviting curiosity, healing, and growth.

FAQs

Do I need to answer all 100?
 No. Choose the ones that feel meaningful. Even a few can spark insight.

Should I do this alone or with a therapist?
 Both work. Journaling can deepen reflection, and therapy provides support to unpack tougher emotions.

What if I feel stuck on a question?
 Skip it for now. Often the questions that make us pause are the ones worth returning to later.

Can these questions replace therapy?
 They’re a tool, not a substitute. Therapy offers safe guidance to process what arises.

Final Note

At Here Counseling, we know self-awareness isn’t always comfortable — but it’s the foundation of healing. These 100 questions are a way to begin listening more closely to yourself. If you’d like to explore them in the safety of a therapeutic relationship, our Los Angeles and Pasadena therapists are here to walk with you.

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