Loss and sadness naturally leave us feeling uncertain. This can bring with them a deeper yearning for understanding – this deep yearning for meaning in the midst of the pain. Tragedy and loss naturally cause us to notice deep questions about ourselves and our experiences. This sense of searching for meaning in the midst of our pain and sadness.
Often as we are experiencing a loss or crisis we find ourselves trying to find answers to help us understand why we are experiencing the pain. We begin to find ourselves searching for answers to really hard questions.
“Why me?”
Thoughts like “why?” or “why me?” begin to creep in and can feel very overwhelming. These questions and wonderings are our way of seeking as a way of making peace with our experiences. That’s is also why it can feel distressing and overwhelming to be asking these questions when there seem to be no clear answers to these questions.
Our internal need for answers is a normal and natural longing. Being unable to make sense of our experience and sensing that we cannot find the answers we so deeply need can lead to other linked experiences such as:
Anger
Irritability
Lack of motivation
Feeling numb
Increased anxiety
Racing or ruminating thoughts
These may signal a deeper need for an ability to gain a sense of clarity to help us to understand what has happened and the reason for the event or tragedy.
You may notice yourself going back to this swirling thought: “Why me? Why now? Why this way?”
Your search for meaning started as a child
There is this very primary response that we all have that needs to be able to connect with the meaning of a situation or experience. For many of us, we may remember these moments in our early development where there is a continual quest for understanding. This is often the season that tests the patience of most parents or caregivers when small children begin to ask the perpetual question of “why?”
“Why does the sun look like that?” “Why does the cat say meow?”
Why, why why. This is a primal instinct that is without question one of the most important parts of learning how to navigate things that feel uncertain or unknown. In this process of wondering and asking we are also finding ways to care for our deeper emotional need for safety and security.
One of the most valued and important feelings that we need is that of safety and security. This need for security is absolutely related to our own desire to know that I am safe.
We want to know we’re still safe
Moments of crisis shake the very foundation of our internal sense of safety. These moments that feel like they shatter all that we once knew, also threaten this deeper feeling of security and safety.
Being able to make meaning of these life shattering moments is one of the most important steps in being able to regain your feeling of inner rest. The continual feelings of fear and uncertainty can seem endless and exhausting. Yet, being able to notice the questions that keep coming up in a way that is accepting and compassionate can be just what you need to move from a place of fear and into a place of hope and rest.
What to do when you notice yourself caught in a flurry of wondering and ache.
Here are three things that can most help you make sense of the pain.
1. Give yourself space to ask questions. It can feel scary to notice that we are wondering about things that seem to have no answer. Yet, these questions are important to help you to seek a sense of meaning making that is so valuable in your own sense of understanding that you are so naturally seeking. Think of this as your small child self that needs to ask the questions, even if there may not be a perfect answer that solves the wondering. Sometimes designating a set amount of time to be able to sit with these deeper feelings and questions can be helpful to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Setting a timer and allowing a set amount of time for which you can allow yourself to explore the questions and feelings can be helpful. Once the allotted time has ended you can begin to shift your focus and know that you come back to these thoughts again tomorrow or next week.
2. Find a safe space to tell your story. It can feel hard to feel like you are having to say the same thing again and again, without being able to move past the pain, but the pain is an important indicator that you need to seek out safe spaces to talk and be heard. For many people, having friends and family who can listen and care are invaluable. There is also something helpful about being able to share your story with others who have experiences that are similar to your own. There is this incredible feeling that comes when you begin to share and someone says, “yeah, I hear you, that is totally relatable and understandable.” Seeking out a support group or grief group for others who are going through a similar experience can be one of the greatest resources to help in regaining your own sense of well being.
3. Seek out practices and spaces that help you in moments of difficulty.This could include practices that bring a sense of connection with your own empowerment, clarity about their own life purpose and spaces that help you live out your deeper personal values. A great resources for times of fear and uncertainty can be to move into a connection with deeper values and meaning.
– Connecting with nature and beauty in the world around you.
– Seeking out faith communities or other spiritual practices.
When we go through difficult times, we can often find ourselves disconnecting from these places and people who are important parts of our own grounding and connection. Creating a plan for intentional connection can be important and helpful, especially as you grapple with deeper yearning for understanding and meaning.
These moments of deep pain or unexpected loss can be some of the most difficult and unsettling experiences. Allowing space to allow the questions to come can be an important part of helping to find a deeper sense of meaning. Sometimes there isn’t a clear path forward, and sometimes the answers themselves may not feel clear or complete. Yet you don’t have to feel overwhelmed in the midst of your pain. There are ways that you can help to move through the questions with greater courage and peace.
Seeking a safe place to be able to explore these deeper questions in the midst of tragedy is so very important. Sometimes it can feel helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or other mental health professional to help support you in the process of seeking clarity during these difficult moments.
Conflict can be overwhelming. Often the threat of hurting someone else’s feelings or finding ourselves in a heated argument cause us to avoid rather than addressing the person directly. This keeps us from talking about things that need attention with those we love or care about. That’s why many couples struggle with avoiding conflict. Our fear of how our concerns or request may come across or how our opinion might be received can keep us tucking away our feelings – until we find that we can no longer avoid the situation.
Avoiding conflict causes problems
Avoiding conflict causes us to react in the following ways:
being highly defensive or angry
say things we later wish we hadn’t
try to just avoid the person altogether
Yet, these reactions aren’t the only the way to resolve moments of stress in our relationships.
There is a way to face conflict with greater confidence. Being able to face conflict in a way that is expectant of a positive outcome for both people is a good indicator that you are approaching differences in a healthy way.
It can feel impossible to be able to find a way to be honest with others. Whether it be our boss, our spouse or a close friend. But there are some things that you can do to help yourself to be able to talk about concerns that may arise in a way that isn’t avoidant or overly demanding.
3 Ways to approach conflict
Using these three tips can help you to approach conflict with greater confidence for being able to address the concern in a way that is both caring and clear.
1. Consider the root of your fear
Maybe it was that your partner didn’t check in before booking the flight to Tahiti. It likely wasn’t the fact that they booked an amazing vacation for you both, but instead, the concerns that you had were more directly related to the fact that you felt overlooked or not important when they made a decision without your full input. Being able to notice and consider this for yourself can then help you to move through the conflict in a way that can help you in seek a resolution that helps meet the deeper concern you may have.
2. Take ownership for your own contribution to the conflict
It can be easy to see how the other person has wronged you or caused you to be seething with anger. But it is also important to allow yourself to recognize how your reaction may have to do with things that are greater than this moment. Maybe it’s a history within your relationship of giving more than you would like and now you are feeling overwhelmed that things feel imbalanced. It could be an even greater sense of your own difficulties in expressing your needs or wants in a way that your friend or colleague could truly know how to show up in a situation. Whatever the case, being able to take responsibility for how your own expectations or desires may contribute to the issues in the relationship.
3. Be clear without blaming others
Most conflict arises because one or both parties feel that they are being blamed unfairly. Or at least in a way that feels they aren’t able to find space to be able to be heard. It can be helpful to name your feelings and experience in a way that minimizes statements or words that place blame on yourself or the other person.
Stating the facts about a situation and how this impacted you can be a more clear and confident way to address conflict in a way that allows space to seek resolution.
Sharing your own emotional experience about how the situation has impacted you can keep things in a more neutral space for both parties. Shifting away from a more blaming statement like “you’ve been so busy that we never get time to hang out anymore” toward a more factual and neutral statement of “since your hours at work have increased, I have noticed myself feeling less connected without the more consistent time we had to spend time together.” This can allow space for each party to consider the situation and be able to come together to discuss a workable solution that could have in valuing each person’s experience in the matter, instead of avoiding conflict.
Seeking to overcome conflict is never easy but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming or impossible. If you notice that you are finding yourself feeling stuck or lacking the needed support to move through conflict at home or work, it may be helpful to seek out support in a safe and caring context. Therapy can be a helpful space to explore what is happening and seek to find new ways to address the concerns you are noticing. Conflict can be stressful but it can often deepen our own sense of self-awareness and if addressed well, can deepen the trust and value in relationships.
We all like things to be full. There is something that comes alive in me when I have a full plate of food, or see that my movie popcorn is overflowing with buttery goodness. It’s also certain that most people love the feeling of a full bank account after payday.
The same feeling of satisfaction can happen with scheduling. We think we’ll feel excited when we fill weeks full of meetings and tasks and the plethora of calendar to-dos. This satisfaction that happens when we see our popcorn bucket overflowing may very well also come alive when we have a day filled with activity. Yet in the midst of this sense of purpose and satisfaction that comes with a week full of to-dos, there is often moments when we find ourselves exhausted and desperate for a way to escape or shut down rather than enjoying all the things that our schedules may hold.
Why we exhaust ourselves with scheduling.
This delight may be just the thing that keeps us filling our daily schedules and calendars. Yet, there is this reality that while we keep finding our agenda full to the brim we may simultaneously be noticing just how exhausting this is. This often creates a space that is desperate to slow down.
If we ignore this deep need to slow down it lead to seeking relief in any way we can.
Having a full calendar and what feels like an endless list of things to accomplish may very well be the thing that has kept you moving forward and able to be the successful student or employee that you are. There are many benefits of having a healthy level of commitments and the impact of this on feelings of satisfaction and happiness. It is often our weekly routines and commitments that give a sense of security and accomplishment which connect into feelings of purpose and value.
But there is a limit to how much of this continual pressure we are able to sustain and still maintain our own well-being.
When we find ourselves feeling like the hamster wheel of life has no way out, these are the moments when our natural instinct will lead us to seek out relief in any way that it can.
How to notice when you are overwhelmed by demands.
Some signs that you may be facing an overwhelming sense of commitments and pressure in your daily life may be:
You notice yourself fantasizing about ways to escape from the stress.
You notice an increase in unwanted patterns of things like substance use, spending, or binge media consumption.
You are more prone to isolating and withdraw from your normal daily activities.
You are experiencing feelings of hopelessness and worry that things will never change.
These may be signs that you may need to lower the load of these demands and begin to take time to notice your own needs. It can sometimes feel selfish to let yourselves move away from the feverish pace of commitments and tasks toward creating space to simply care for your own needs.
The drive to continually show up and care for others can deter us from allowing space we need to care for ourselves .
Taking steps to notice your needs and to let yourselves receive support and care, can help to relieve these patterns of uncontrolled fantasy and escape that keep creeping in.
3 Scheduling Tips to Reduce Exhaustion and Regain Energy
1. Plan regular ways to escape
It is so important to allow space to indulge. This is a way to allow our inner self to feel a sense of being held and cared for. If we don’t plan for this we will find ourselves suddenly out of control in these spaces of self indulgence and instead find these in really unhealthy ways. It is important to plan in regular times of enjoyment for yourself. These don’t have to be huge. Something like, “tonight I am going to take time to slow down to enjoy my glass of wine” or “I’m going to take 10 extra minutes to read my novel, just for fun” may be absolutely enough to help you feel less overwhelmed with the regular stresses.
2. Be adaptable
Being able to consider what you are able to accomplish can be a really valuable tool to help yourself learn how to manage your daily responsibilities. It can be really hard to allow ourselves the space to consider that our capacity for certain tasks may change. How we respond to these feelings and changes is a really caring way to increase a more compassionate way to care for yourself each day. Things like, “I normally feel great about going out with co-workers for Friday happy hour, but today feels a little more scattered for me. I think I’m going to go home and enjoy a quieter night instead.” Noticing what we are experiencing and choosing how to respond can take us to a place of feeling a greater sense of hopefulness and care.
3. Practice letting go of your schedule, even for a short while.
It can be really hard to step away from the things that feel so pressing – work, kids, family, health. The simple practice of choosing to step away from the daily pressures can provide just what you need to begin to learn how to lessen the effects of pending burnout. This could look as simple as:
choosing to turn off your phone as you spend time with a friend
sitting in stillness at a park during your lunch break
allowing yourself one day of the week that is a non-work day where you choose to do only things that are non-work related
Whatever it is, let yourself notice what it is like to pause, even for a few moments. This can help us later while we are in these moments of high stress and to be able to do things with a little more ease. Small pauses can help connect us to the reality that we can take a pause and things will still go on. This can increase a feeling of freedom to notice the continual pressure and to feel less overwhelmed.
Taking a few simple steps to shift how you arrange your day or week will allows you the space to regain a sense of balance that you so deeply need.
Sometimes it can be hard to know where to even begin the process of noticing what we need and taking the steps to get there. If you are experiencing a sense of stress and overload that feels unbearable, it may be helpful to have support in the journey toward finding what you need. I would love to help you in your journey. Let’s set up a time for a consultation call to help you begin toward finding what you need most!
It is a common experience to feel excited and hopeful as we anticipate the coming holiday season. This is often a time for family gatherings and much needed break from your daily activities. Yet also many people find that they have some hesitations and worries related to the holidays. It is easy to find yourself dreading the potential difficulties and pressures of all the festivities. But you don’t have to let that keep you from having a positive and joyful season.
These three simple steps can help you tonavigate holiday disappointment.
Feelings of disappointment are a common experience whenever we we spend time preparing for and investing our time and energy. This is directly connected with why we often notice feeling some waves of sadness after a big event or celebration. Completely avoiding feelings of disappointment may not be plausible, there are some key strategies that can be helpful to help you know how to move through moments of regrets and disappointment in these key moments.
Holiday Resilience Step 1: Notice your Needs
Notice where it is that your mind is going as you anticipate your holiday events. Is it the worry for what gift to get you in laws? Or maybe it is the fear for what your family may say about your new relationship? Whatever it is that you find yourself feeling most worried and stressed about can be a clue into what it is that you value the most. Knowing what it is that you care most about can be helpful to use as a tool to be able to create a plan for where you may find both joy and disappointment. Maybe it’s the joy of getting someone just the right gift, but on the other side is the feeling of disappointment when someone doesn’t respond with exuberance at the gift you give. Name and recognize what it is that you are hopeful for can be a helpful practice to use to help you in the moment of disappointment. It can be the moment that you are prepping potatoes for your new potato casserole recipe and you notice this wave of fear for how your aunt might critic your dish. By simply naming this fear in the moment can help to be a safeguard for if it does happen that you receive some critique of your culinary delight. This simple step is like putting in the fire extinguisher into your kitchen. Knowing where it is, and thinking about how and when you will grab it and use it before you need it can actually help you to stay calm and in control in a moment of crisis. By naming the worry can help you to set up your own internal “crisis plan” that can help you to have a plan that can help you stay in control rather than responding in a way that you later wish you hadn’t.
Holiday Resilience Step 2: Schedule a self-check throughout your holiday week.
We can often find ourselves in full on go mode throughout the holidays. But this can disrupt our emotional “barometer” that normally helps us to notice feelings of sadness or stress. When we are unable to notice these feelings in small waves and instead just keep pressing forward, there is this tendency for these feelings to erupt in a way that feels bigger than we may be ready to hold. We find ourselves erupting in anger or frustration at our spouse or boss. Or we suddenly want to just shut down and disconnect from everything.
But a better way to deal with these feelings is to embrace and hold them in small intervals without being overwhelmed by them.
Setting up a time to do a small daily check in each day can be really helpful. Maybe it’s as you are driving or just before you settle into bed. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling right now?
What has gone well today that I feel proud of?
What moments were not as I had hoped?
These simple reflective questions can be a really clear way to let yourself feel and notice disappointments and to choose how to proceed. This keeps you in a place of control and regulation. It may be impossible to avoid moments that were less than we had hoped but it doesn’t have to be impossible to notice these feelings so that we can then decide how we may want to respond or proceed. Delight and disappointment are natural in moments of celebration. Allowing yourself to be able to regularly find time to notice each of these can help prevent these from moving into a place of deeper pain.
Holiday Resilience Step 3: Give yourself a second chance.
The holidays can feel extra difficult simply because there is so much expectation that is placed within a few short days or weeks. Whenever we come to a moment that feels like there is high expectation and pressure for what and how things may go, we are bound to find ourselves frustrated and overwhelmed. Neither of these are places where we are grounded and connected in a way that presents our best self. Reminding yourself that this is a big day or a hopeful moment is delightful, but it is equally important to allow yourself the space to think about how this is not the only big moment or last chance. Thinking about how you will get another time to connect with these friends or that there can be a chance for a follow up conversation after a tense moment with a close relative. This can help you to stay present and engaged in enjoying the moment without feeling an undue pressure to have to get it right. We would easily offer someone else another chance at making up for a less than perfect moment. Which is often exactly what we need ourselves.
The holidays are a time of great anticipation which can include great waves of joy and excitement. Yet mixed within this can be sadness and disappointments. Whether these disappointments are felt toward ourselves or a sense of disappointment toward others, being able to notice and respond to these feelings can help you from being overwhelmed in a way that has you missing out on these moments that matter to you.
While it may be true that feelings of sadness and disappointment may be inevitable, being able to know how to prepare and respond can keep you feeling in control and connected to your best self this holiday season.
Finding a someone to help you be able to move through the difficulties of the holidays may be helpful. Reach out today to schedule a consultation call so we can together find out how to help you navigate feelings of disappointment.
I had this self critical moment the other day. I had made a plan for all the things I needed to get done. I was going to stop and get a few errands done before I headed into the office. I was sure I could get things completed and into the office with plenty of time to spare. But I found myself with a very unexpected change in my plan. In an instant, I noticed myself in this space where it felt like everything else in me was in wild turmoil, as if the world had stopped for a moment and I was stuck in this frenzy of emotion and frustration.
Maybe you’ve faced one of these moments. One moment you are sailing along perfectly, feeling calm, centered and ready to conquer the day. The next moment, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, your mind and emotions spinning. It’s in these moments that you can feel like you’ve been completely derailed from the place of focus and connection with yourself. Like your very sense of safety and happiness is gone.
Blaming Others vs. Blaming Myself
Often in these moments we can find ourselves moving toward two common responses. The first is this feeling of anger at the people or situation around us. We press our fear and frustrations outward onto those around us. You may find yourself feeling your internal pressure rising and getting defensive and reactive. This can lead to moments of responding with yelling or blaming others.
On the other side of this is frustration toward yourself. Your mind starts to race and you find yourself stuck in these self-defeating thoughts. The feeling of fear and anger are aimed within us, with blame and self-criticism toward ourselves. You may find yourself feeling foolish or embarrassed, and begin to blame yourself for all the things you should (or shouldn’t) have done.
These responses are both natural coping mechanisms that we use to help us to try to move through difficult moments. Whether is an unexpected change of plans or a critical comment from a co-worker or partner – these moments can cause us to begin to move toward these responses of blame and self-criticism. This is linked with our survival instinct as a way that our nervous system is using to try to protect us from moments where we feel some kind of threat, which results in this fear response turning on.
Begin to understand the pain behind the blame.
Whether the blame is internalized in blaming ourselves, or more external in our frustration and anger toward others, both of these are an emotional response to a deeper sense of pain that we are responding to.
But the only way to help in moving past these, is to begin to understand what is going on that is behind these behaviors.
Using these three steps, you can begin to allow yourself to slow down the frustration and begin to calm these patterns of blame.
3 steps to slow down and stop self criticism.
1. Tune in to slow down.
Slowing to take a few breathes can be a huge help when you notice these feelings of anger or blame that you may be experiencing. Often, when we are overwhelmed with fear or anger we are unable to access the place of being able to regain control and calm. It can be helpful to just allow yourself to be present in the feeling and try to regain control of yourself in the moment. In these moments our fear response often has us going into a place of heightening of physical tension – our heart rate rises, our breath gets short and shallow, our muscles can get tense. It is important to disrupt this place of physical tension to be able to then allow yourself to feel safe enough to slow down and decrease the blame. Breathing in as you count up to 5 and then counting back down from 5 as your breath out can be a great way to help slow yourself down. Tuning into notice this intentional act of slowing your breath can remind you that you are able to regain control.
2. Begin to understand what you are feeling.
It can be helpful to ask yourself, what is it that is feeling attacked or threatened right now? It can be hard in the moment to be able to understand what it is that is going on underneath the anger and blaming behaviors, but taking a moment to consider what it is that is the deeper feeling can help us to begin to allow a greater space for understanding that can help us to feel more calm and in control. You may first start with stating that you are feeling angry or frustrated. Then begin to ask yourself what am I feeling that is fueling the feeling of anger or self-criticism. Anger is usually a response to a deeper internal feeling and it is important to be able to name that underlying feeling to help in reducing the blame and criticism that you are experiencing. It could be that you feel helpless or unseen; maybe you feel alone or unsupported. Whatever it is, taking a moment to understand and name this feeling is a powerful way to begin to regain control over the anger and blame.
3. Imagine yourself as you would a close friend.
As you begin to notice this underlying feeling, it can be helpful to imagine yourself as you would a close friend. If for a moment, you can imagine your friend telling you about how they are feeling misunderstood and helpless, you might do something like slow down and take a moment to say that you are sorry they are feeling this way. You might lean a little closer and ask how you can help them. You might remind your friend of all the ways you see her as helpful and valuable. These are likely the same things that you are needing to know to help you to slow down the blame and anger and begin to regain a feeling of internal control and support that you need to be able to move forward. It could be helpful to use a word or phrase that you can say to yourself that can help to calm this feeling of anger and frustration. Something like, “I am able to make decisions for myself” or “I am not alone and can ask for help” can be really helpful to slow down regain a sense of confidence and control.
These overwhelming moments of blame and frustration don’t have to keep you from being able to stay in control and in tune with your truest self. Learning these three simple steps can help to take you from a place of regret, anger and fear and into a place of connectedness with what you need most.
Gaining the confidence you need to help you overcome these patterns of blaming yourself and others is possible. It can be helpful to have someone to come alongside you in this process of change.
I help people like you to begin to understand their own needs and to move toward a greater place of connection with themselves and those they are closest with.
Having the skills to stay engaged when relationship conflict arises can feel impossible. Sometimes, you wish you could push the eject button as soon as another argument begins. You find yourself remaining silent, or saying whatever you feel will “ease the tension,” even just for a moment. You feel desperate to quickly resolve the tension in whatever way you can.
Fight or Flight: To Enter Relationship Conflict or Flee
This cycle can ease the tension for a brief moment. You may feel a brief wave of relief. You were able to keep things from getting out of hand. However, that underlying unease you feel may remain.This may be a sense of internal guilt: a form of self-blame for feeling unable to express your needs. You may feel stuck inside your own head, knowing all the things you wish you could have said but somehow couldn’t find the words in the heat of conflict. This can lead to even greater frustration and a continued feeling of disconnection with your partner.
In moments of stress, you may experience a natural flight response pattern: a desire to withdraw and avoid.
When experiencing the stress of relationship conflict, our bodies are programmed to respond in one of two ways, which correlate with our need for survival: pursue or withdraw. These are natural tendencies when we feel we need to protect ourselves. Some try to overcome this stress by engaging with their partner in relationship conflict. Others engage in the pattern of withdrawal. The latter can lead to feeling trapped in the stress, which often produces a strong desire to avoid the source of conflict.
Relationship conflict can cause these patterns of stress response to arise because our brains register conflict as a threat to our social well-being. Many individuals have a tendency to desire to “escape” conflict because they struggle to process their thoughts when under emotional stress. This desire fuels acts of abandonment: pushing the source of conflict (often our partner) away to alleviate the stress.
Is Avoiding Conflict Always Bad?
In short, no. This escape pattern is not always bad. However, at times it can prevent us from expressing our own wants and needs. This can lead to a destructive cycle of guilt and frustration or, alternatively, anger and hopelessness. It doesn’t have to be this way.
You can learn a new way to manage conflict in your relationship, which will lead to greater connection.
How To Better Manage Relationship Conflict
Consider the following three steps to break the cycle of fight or flight and better manage your next relationship conflict.
1. Learn to notice your stress response
The first step is to gain awareness. Specifically, aim to notice the ways you typically respond to conflict in your relationship. Do you tend to fight, flight, or freeze? Understanding your typical conflict stress response can be an invaluable tool to navigate conflict more effectively.
Your stress response is likely a learned response that has helped you navigate difficult situations in the past. However, is it serving you in your current relationship?
It is common for one partner to have a stress response of fighting and the other partner to have a stress response of avoidance. Understanding both your and your partner’s response to conflict can help you to learn to recognize when you are experiencing tension in your relationship and to remain engaged, rather than exacerbate or avoid the conflict.
2. Explore a phrase that can help to communicate your need to take a break
The value of a phrase that both partners agree will pause an argument cannot be overstated.
When one partner uses this phrase, it provides both individuals with the time and space to process what the conflict and identify their emotions.
When they return, they will both be more capable to communicate their feelings and needs, without being overwhelmed by emotion in the moment.
Remember, collaborate with your partner to select this phrase prior to arguing: in a conflict-free moment.
Phrases such as, “I think I need a time out” or “Let’s take some space” can be easy phrases to help you and your partner pause and take a break.
3. Name a time and place to return to the conversation
This step is essential. The key step to taking a pause from a relationship conflict is to first mutually agree upon a time and place to return.
That way, both parties can rest assured that their partner is dedicated to resolving the issue. Neither has to worry that their partner is avoiding the conflict.
Instead, both individuals can take time to emotionally self-regulate. Then, when they return to the argument, work toward a solution with more clarity and security.
Thus, when asking for a pause, be as specific as possible in terms of the when and how of coming back together. You might try: ”let’s talk tonight right after dinner.” You may prefer: “How about we come back to this in 20 minutes after a mental break to process how we feel.” Both are excellent to give a specific timeframe to the pause.
It is important to allow space for your partner to agree with the suggested time frame. Foster opportunity for them to offer an alternate suggestion and be open to compromising if needed.
The Benefits of Taking a Pause
Take a time out to slow down, refresh, and discern what you need in a moment of conflict.
Using these steps can create an important foundation to navigate stressful moments and conversations in your relationship. You can begin to express your true feelings while also considering your partner’s emotions and needs.
It can feel challenging to learn a new way of showing up when you notice tension rising in your relationship. It takes practice to pause in order to minimize feelings of tension with your partner. Over time, however, this practice will foster a new pattern. A pattern that minimizes unwanted conflict and tension, instead helping you move toward connection and resolution.
Therapy for Relationship Conflict
Pursuing therapy can be a key step to help you learn how to more effectively manage relationship conflict. In collaboration with your therapist, you can create a plan for how and when to pause an argument. The mental processing you make space for during this “time out,” in which you step away from the argument, will allow you to learn how to share your true feelings when you return to your partner.
Remember, you deserve this brief pause. It can help you find a sense of calm in order to think clearly about what you need from your partner. Over time, you will begin to learn how to think with greater clarity and therefore say the things that you know are important to you. This can help you increase your self-confidence and move toward the authentic connection that you have been seeking.
Kristi Wollbrink
I help couples learn a new way to move through conflict and difficulties in order to find a sense of security and connection with each other. If you find that you are feeling stuck in patterns of stress in your relationship, I would love to help you find a way to move toward deeper connection.
Adolescence is a time filled with change, discovery, and sometimes uncertainty — both for teens and their families. Exploring gender and sexuality is a natural and important part of growing up, but it can also bring feelings of confusion, worry, or even fear for parents and caregivers. If you’ve noticed your teenager expressing themselves differently or questioning who they are, you’re not alone. Many families face similar journeys, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how to support your teen.
We want you to know that creating a space of love, acceptance, and open communication is one of the most powerful things you can do. Our team is here to walk alongside you and your teenager as you navigate this important time, helping foster connection, understanding, and resilience.
Why Do Teens Explore Gender and Sexuality?
Exploration of gender identity and sexuality is a deeply personal and ongoing journey for many adolescents. There is no fixed timeline or “right way” to discover who they truly are. Teens today are influenced by many factors, including social media, friendships, cultural messages, and their own internal feelings.
It’s normal for teenagers to question, experiment, and even change their minds about their identity as they grow. Sometimes, this exploration is fluid — reflecting their unique experience rather than a clear, fixed label. We recognize that this process can feel confusing both for teens and their families, but it is an essential part of self-understanding and growth.
At Here Counseling, we honor this journey and believe that every teen deserves to explore their identity in a supportive, judgment-free environment.
How do I know if My Teenager is Exploring their Gender and Sexuality?
Have you noticed your teenager experimenting with the way they dress? How about trying out how it feels to identify with different pronouns? Are they exploring the way they express their gender on social media? If you have noticed your teenager experimenting with gender expression through aspects of their identity such as fashion, pronouns, and traditionally “gendered” behavior, you may feel uncertain about how to understand and support your child at this time.
You may find yourself wondering how this is impacting your teenager. Are they questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation? Their comments and behaviors may make you feel worried, anxious, or even angry. This can lead you to react in ways that make you and your teenager feel distant from one another. In these moments, you may suddenly find yourself feeling uncertain how to best respond. If your goal is to figure out how to best support your teen, then you are in the right place.
How Will This Article Help Me and My Teenager?
As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to support your teenager. This can be especially true as they explore their gender identity and sexual orientation. It’s important to support and care for their safety, psychological, and physical health while navigating these sensitive topics. This article will provide tips and guidance on how to navigate these important developmental topics, including how to talk to your teen about sexuality and teenage sexuality.
How to Understand and Support Your Teenager to Reduce Tension and Increase Connection
How Do I Support My Teenager As They Experiment with Their Gender and/or Sexuality?
Unsurprisingly, teenagers naturally experiment to discover their personal sense of self and identity. However, as a parent, it can be challenging to know how to respond when this exploration includes gender and sexuality. Most parents hold a variety of thoughts and beliefs about gender identity or sexual orientation. Remember, these attitudes will impact how you feel about and interact with your teenager about sensitive topics. Below, I’ll talk you through how to navigate these beliefs. This is especially important when they contrast with your teenager’s needs for support.
Initially, these topics may feel uncertain or scary. However, the reality is that gender identity and sexual orientation are topics your teenager is thinking about. They’re likely talking about it with their friends, seeing it on social media, and exploring it for themselves. It’s not a foreign topic for them. Therefore, it doesn’t have to be for you either. Instead of experiencing fear, vulnerability, or uncertainty about how to navigate these topics, try the simple steps in this article. They can help you release that tension and bring you closer to your teenager.
Issues of gender and sexuality can feel overwhelming to navigate as a parent. That overwhelm can keep you feeling worried and anxious. Instead, overcoming the tension can be the very thing that brings you closer to your teenager.
Granted, this can feel like a difficult and scary topic to navigate in conversations with your teen. That’s why I created this simple guide. It can help you increase your confidence by understanding the cause of your anxiety. Clarity can help you to move toward creating a space to talk with your teen about gender and sexuality journey.
Three Simple Steps To Support Your Teenager As They Explore Their Gender and/or Sexuality
These three simple steps can help you respond with support as your teen explores gender and/or sexuality:
Step 1: Recognize And Name Your Fear
First, take a few minutes. Identify specifically what causes your fearfulness to address these topics of gender identity and sexual orientation. Recognize the cause of hesitation to ease anxiety and show your teenager care. Identify specific fears if struggling to accept your teenager’s gender or sexual identity. Often fear is related to worries of being a good parent. Naming fear can challenge it and help support your teen. It is natural to feel worried. Acknowledge this as a first step to move towards supporting your teen in the way they need most.
Step 2: Accept That Sexual Exploration Is The Way To Discovery.
Remember, you yourself likely went through some form of exploration and experimentation to understand yourself. These exploratory experiences helped you discover yourself. The same is true for your teenager’s discovery of their gender and sexual identity. After all, gender and sexuality are not exceptions. As in all areas of self discovery, we may need to “try on” and explore various paths and parts of ourselves in order to discover who we truly are. Allow exploration and approach gender and sexuality conversations like any other important topic. Tune into your teenager’s needs. Create a space where they feel safe and heard. Most importantly, show and remind them that you will love them and be there for them no matter what. Click the link below to learn more about how to communicate effectively with your teenager.
It’s ok to not know everything, but don’t excuse yourself from learning. Being honest about what you do not know can help your teenager feel safe. However, ensure that does not become an excuse to stay uninformed. Use resources to gain awareness about gender and sexuality, which will help you connect more deeply with your teenager. Remember, it can feel refreshing for your teenager to see you as the learner. It will be meaningful for your teen to see you educating yourself about something so important to them. You can begin by exploring expressions of gender and sexuality through this interactive worksheet: GenderBread Person Worksheet
Some Important Gender and Sexuality Terminology
It can also be valuable to increase your awareness about some important terms related to these topics. This includes an awareness of the differences between one’s gender identity and sexual orientation.
Term
Definition
Gender identity
Who you feel you are at your core, whether it’s male, female, neither, or both.
Non-binary
Gender identity isn’t exclusively male or female, and may experience their gender as both male and female, or they may experience it as neither (agender).
Transgender (sometimes shortened to the term “trans”)
Identifying with a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth.
Sexual orientation
Who you’re attracted to on a physical level.
Fluid
Refers to a person who experiences changes in their sexual attraction over time and/or depending on the situation.
Where To Turn For Additional Gender and Sexuality Information
These are just a few of the important terms to understand and familiarize yourself with to support your teenager. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel like you’re having to learn a whole new language. However, expertise is not required. Moderate knowledge can go a long way in helping you to connect with your teenager. This guide may prove to be a helpful tool for growing more familiar with some terminology and other helpful information. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/teenage-sexuality/
How to Support Your Teenager During This Exploration
Supporting your teen through their exploration starts with creating a safe, welcoming space where they feel heard and accepted. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right now. What matters most is your willingness to listen without judgment and to validate their experiences.
Encourage honest conversations by asking open-ended questions and showing empathy. Avoid pushing your teen to label themselves before they’re ready — allow them to take the time they need to find their own way.
Using the names and pronouns your teen prefers is a simple but powerful way to show respect and support. Let your teenager know that your love is unconditional, regardless of how they identify.
At Here Counseling, we are committed to helping families build bridges of understanding during these times, providing guidance and support every step of the way.
Navigating Challenges Faced by Questioning Teens
Teens questioning their gender or sexuality often face unique challenges, including bullying, social isolation, or identity-related stress. These experiences can take a toll on mental health, increasing risks of anxiety, depression, or feelings of loneliness.
Creating affirming environments at home and school is vital. When teens feel accepted and supported, they build resilience to face adversity. Encouraging open communication, celebrating their courage, and connecting them with supportive communities all contribute to their well-being.
We understand these challenges deeply at Here Counseling and work with families and teens to foster spaces where identity exploration is met with compassion and strength.
Resources and Tools to Help Families
Knowledge is power, and having the right tools can make a meaningful difference for both teens and their families. Educational materials like the GenderBread Person worksheet offer an approachable way to understand gender and sexuality concepts together.
We also recommend trusted organizations such as PFLAG and The Trevor Project, which provide invaluable support, guidance, and community connections for LGBTQ+ youth and their families. Locally, there are affirming counselors and support groups in Los Angeles ready to help you and your teen feel less alone.
Here Counseling is proud to connect families with these resources and guide them toward affirming support tailored to their unique journey.
When and How to Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your teen or family might benefit from additional support. If your teen is experiencing prolonged distress, ongoing family conflict, or struggles with mental health challenges linked to their identity exploration, it’s a good time to consider professional counseling.
LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists provide a safe, confidential space where teens and parents can explore feelings, develop coping strategies, and strengthen communication. Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing, growth, and connection.
At Here Counseling, we specialize in teen and LGBTQIA+ support, offering compassionate care to help your family navigate these complex questions with understanding and hope.
Teenager Gender and Sexuality Exploration: In Summary
Navigating the topics of gender identity and sexual orientation can be difficult for parents. However, it is important to support and understand your teenager as they explore these aspects of themselves. Doing so can help to cultivate a feeling of safety for your teen. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming to take steps forward in creating a safe space for this with your teenager. Remember, taking these three simple steps will help you to overcome the difficulties that may be having you feeling stuck and move you toward a place of deeper connection with your teenager.
By recognizing and naming your fears, accepting that exploration is a normal part of growing up, and creating a safe and open space for conversation, you can be the supportive and loving parent your teenagers needs. Additionally, there may be times when it feels helpful to have the support of a trained therapist to come alongside you and your teenager. If this is something that you feel could be of help in this journey, I would be happy to schedule a consultation to see if therapy might be a helpful resource for you and your teenager. Here Counseling has multiple therapists who specialize in LGBTQIA+ issues and working with LGBTQIA+ individuals.
Start by creating a safe space, naming your fears, and accepting exploration as normal; use open questions like “What are you needing?” to foster connection.
What is teenage sexuality?
Teenage sexuality involves exploring attraction and identity, often through social media, fashion, and pronouns; support it by learning terms and affirming unconditional love.
What is teen sexuality?
Teen sexuality is the natural experimentation with physical attraction and self-expression; approach conversations with curiosity to reduce tension and build trust.
How to talk about sexual orientation?
Acknowledge differences in attraction as fluid or fixed; educate yourself on terms like “fluid” and invite honest dialogue without judgment.
What are orientation teenagers?
Teenagers exploring orientation question who they’re attracted to; guide them by validating feelings and using resources like worksheets for self-discovery.
How it feels to be a teenager?
Being a teenager often involves confusion and excitement in identity exploration; parents can help by recognizing fears and supporting open expression.
What is teenagers sexuality?
Teenagers’ sexuality includes discovering gender and attraction; create safety by learning basics and affirming their journey without pressure.
What is gender?
Gender is one’s core sense of self as male, female, non-binary, or fluid; differentiate it from sexual orientation for constructive talks.
What is teenager sexuality?
Teenager sexuality encompasses attraction changes and identity trials; educate on terms like transgender to connect meaningfully.
How to talk to your teen about sex?
Approach sex talks with honesty about fears and acceptance; use guides to normalize exploration and emphasize safety and consent.
Being able to tune in to what your teenagers needs will help break the silence in your relationship.
Your teenager has always been moody. It seems like this is just expected to be a part of this passage into adolescence. However, it can feel confusing to suddenly notice things seem even more frustrating as your teen is now hardly talking to you at all.
You may find yourself re-thinking things you’ve said or done that may have caused your teen to be pulling back and feeling distant. These thoughts can sound like this:
Was it something I did?
Did I say the wrong thing?
Have I not done enough?
Maybe it isn’t one thing that you said or did that has caused your teen to be withdrawing.
It’s important to remember that teens are going through a lot of changes. They are beginning to develop their own sense of self, which includes a natural tendency of withdraw in their quest for autonomy.
Yet, the response of silence and withdrawal in your teen may also be linked to a natural human tendency for self protection. This is linked with our natural fight and flight response.
Withdraw is often a part of our natural defense function that turns on as a way to protect ourselves when some kind of threat or danger is perceived.
This response is common when something within us senses uncertainty in our ability to support ourselves in the face of difficulties or conflict. The sense that we may not be have the strength or resources to be able to stand up and win, our internal emotional radar will instead choose to flee as a way to stay safe.
This silencing or withdrawing comes out of your teenager’s sense of threat of danger to their sense of safety and security.
Your teen’s silence may simply be their way of letting you know that they want to feel safe enough to talk to you.
Your teens silence may be their way of letting you know that there is something they are needing to feel loved and safe. Take their silence as a nudge to access their needs.
It may be that there are some ways you may be talking to your teen that in turn may have your teen closing down and getting quiet.
Even though it might look like your teenager doesn’t need you or want you around, they do need you. They need your support and care – and deeply desire to know that you are there for them to provide the care they need for what they are going through.
Tuning in to your teenagers need to feel heard, valued and supported are essential to giving your teen what they need most.
Take time to hear what your teen has to say.
Your teenager is going through a lot of self development and exploration. Teens are still in the developing stages and their choices and interests may at times seem very confusing to you, yet allowing your teen to feel heard is one of their deepest needs.
A helpful tip:
Shift away from responses of problem solving and instead toward that of allowing your teenager to share and express themselves to you. By simply listening and reflecting what it is you are hearing you teen is sharing with you will go a long way in creating a space for them to continue to develop a sense of safety and openness.
Allow your teen to feel valued for who they are.
Your teenager is learning to explore and express themselves in the world. All the while, they are asking a deeper question of “Is who I am ok?” One of the biggest ways they are looking to have this answered is within their sense of their own value and importance within their closest relationships.
A helpful tip here:
Interacting with your teenager in a way that continually expresses and reflects their value and importance to you and within the family will create a foundation for this space of unconditional value and acceptance. Take time to see and express the value that they hold will go far in allowing your teen to experience the belonging they need most.
Show your teen endless support!
Teenagers may no longer needing care and support that they have needed throughout their earlier stages of life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t still need to sense the same feeling of support from you.
There is a deep desire to know that you are there for them, no matter what.
This includes the times when they make mistakes or share things that don’t align with your rules or values. This doesn’t mean that you won’t also help to provide boundaries or enforce important areas for their safety, but helping to slow down your immediate response to guide or lecture and simply being willing to listen and support your teen will allow your teen to sense that you are there for them and on their side, no matter what!
A helpful tip:
Offering space for your teen to talk about hard things, and giving time to just listen and share that you understand and care about what they are going through will go a long way in helping your teenager feel supported, safe and deeply cared for.
Kristi Wollbrink
COUNSELING FOR TEENS AND COUPLES I help teens and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection
Teen years are some of the most essential years for development and also bring a great range of experiences. Sometimes, in the midst of these many changes, teens may display an increase in expressions of emotional highs and lows. The teenage years are a time of self exploration and development which can feel exhilarating! On the other side of this, there can be a deepening of experiences that feel uncertain and can involve feelings of lowered self worth and depression. While it is normal for teens to experience a variety of emotions, it is important to be aware of what may be a sign that your teenager could be experiencing a depressive episode.
Before you assume depression, look deeper
You may be asking yourself whether or not your teen is experiencing what would be considered normal changes in temperament and mood within these teenage years – or if this could be an indicator of depression?Often parents of teenagers find themselves worried that they may be brushing things off, when in fact the things they are seeing are something that needs greater attention and concern.Other times, parents find themselves feeling anxious that they aren’t doing enough and fear that they may miss some important sign that could signal greater danger for their teenagers personal well being. Having some clearer guidelines for knowing when things fall outside of the normal range can help you to know if your concerns for your teenagers behaviors are signs of depression.
It could be helpful to use these three simple indicators to help in understanding if your teenager is experiencing a depressive episode.
How long is too long for my teen’s mood?
Change in mood can happen for a variety of reasons, especially in the years of adolescence. However, the difference here is a matter of consistency. It is important to note that just because a teen may seem a little more reserved or withdrawn it does not necessarily indicate the presence of a depressive episode. Teens often have times when they will be more withdrawn or tend to pull back in their normal interactions at home. This can often be a natural shift toward the importance of peers or other relationships in their lives. A good indicator of a change in mood that may be of greater concern for your teen is that of
experiencing a low or diminished mood for two weeks or longer
continued sadness
feelings of hopelessness
tearful spells
displaying a lack of desire or engagement in activities that they find pleasurable
Is my teen’s mood effecting their daily life?
It is important to consider the effects regarding changes in mood and behavior, including any of the following changes:
significant change in weight or a change in appetite
change in sleep patterns: either a decrease in sleep patterns (difficulty falling or staying asleep) or increase in sleep (greater than the normal range of 8-10 hours of sleep)
consistency in feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
lowered ability to concentrate or difficulty in making decisions on a consistent daily basis
the feeling of lowered motor physical ability or feelings of physical sluggishness happening nearly every day
These may be things you hear your teenager complaining about or may be things that you or others are noticing for your teenager. If at least two or more of these are present and happening nearly every day, then this may be an indicator that your teen is experiencing something greater than just a normal change in mood.
How is their mood impacting their academic and social performance?
The change in functioning is one that is also very important to consider for your teen. A question you may want to consider is how the change in your teens mood is affecting their ability to perform normal daily activities. Some things to consider for this include:
if the change in their mood has had an impact on their school attendance or punctuality, the ability to maintain part time work of any kind
their ability to maintain their social or peer engagements such as normal activities at school, church or other social activities.
change in mood is having any effect on their level and engagement in usual self care such as hygiene and personal care, or ability to make a keep a schedule (ie eating regular meals or completing required homework).
Understanding the changes that your teenager may be going through can prove difficult. Ensuring that your teen has the support they need to help them to understand what they are experiencing can be essential.I would love to set up a time to be able to schedule an initial consultation to help your teen find what they need to navigate their teenage years.
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
I help teens and couples decrease anxiety to find meaningful connection.
Are you having that feeling that somehow your partner just doesn’t seem to really understand, no matter how many times you try to tell them what you’re feeling? You ask them to be sure to let you know if they are going to be home late, yet they continue to do this. It infuriates you and it becomes another fight. Couldn’t they just take the time to send a text?
Why is this always the fight?
It’s in these moments that one can begin thinking something like “this is just how things will be” – and we find ourselves giving up hope that connection will be restored.
Often times our attempts to solve the problem feel like they keep causing further frustration and the feeling that things didn’t really change. This may be because we are not addressing the issue that is truly the source of our frustration.
Learning to fight the issue, not your partner
For each of us, there is a desire to know that we have secure attachments. Finding where we can feel safe and can be loved, even at our worst. At times something interrupts our feeling of security and safety with the people we are closest with, and we find ourselves feeling a sense of threat to our well-being. This can cause us to react in an effort to thwart the threat that is detected.
If our spouse doesn’t respond to our request for communication, it may be triggering an internal feeling of lack of safety. We may not feel that we are in any physical danger, but there is a feeling that we are not valuable in the relationship. This becomes the primary source of concern, and we begin to find ourselves trying to protect our need to feel safe and secure.
As you are able to slow down and understand what it is that is really going on, you can then utilize these steps to help communicate your needs more directly.
Take time to slow down and ask yourself what it is that the other person’s words or actions brought up for you.
Name the emotion or feeling. It can help to utilize assertive expression to help in explaining what it is you want to communicate (which can help to limit blaming) and instead express your feelings clearly. An example of this might be: “When you didn’t give me a heads up about coming home late, it made me feel not valued and not important.”
Allow time for your partner to respond and really listen to them. If needed, repeat back the feelings you had in the situation without placing blame on them or dismissing your own experience.
Bottom line, restoring connection should remain the focus
It’s important that we are able to notice and express our own experience, rather than pointing fingers or trying to defend ourselves. In doing so, you can move into a place of understanding your emotional experience. By helping your partner better understand the impact of these interactions, your connection will increase and further establish safety and security.
At times, it can be helpful to have a therapist or other professional who can help you to identify these deeper emotional experiences as a way to help increase your feeling of connection within your relationships.
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaningful connection.
