Adult with ADHD receiving therapy for ADHD and ADHD testing in Los Angeles
ADHD, Testing and Assessment

ADHD Testing in Los Angeles: Why this Year Is the Best Time to get Diagnosed

Written by Here Counseling

As a psychologist who specializes in both therapy for people with ADHD as well as ADHD testing in Los Angeles, I know firsthand the struggles that adults with undiagnosed or untreated ADHD face on a daily basis. You may have been labeled as “lazy” or “unmotivated” throughout your life. However, these are only two of the common ADHD myths that society perpetuates. Click here to read my last blog to learn more about common ADHD Myths Debunked. In reality, ADHD is a very real and valid condition that affects millions of people in the United States alone. Indeed, ADHD is one of the most common psychological disorders. That’s why LACARE.org devotes a section of their websitespecifically to how adults who suspect they may qualify for an ADHD diagnosis can live healthier, more productive lives. The first step is seeking treatment for their ADHD.

Have you been struggling with symptoms such as difficulty focusing, impulsivity, and hyperactivity? Good news. It is never too late to seek a diagnosis for ADHD. In fact, seeking a diagnosis as an adult can be an incredibly empowering step towards understanding yourself and learning how to manage your symptoms more effectively.

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Therapist giving ADHD assessment to client with ADHD to diagnose ADHD and comorbid ADHD diagnoses
ADHD, Managing emotions

ADHD Often Comes with a Partner: How Comorbid ADHD Diagnoses May be Affecting Your Focus

Written by Here Counseling

Comorbid ADHD Diagnoses: What does it mean?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder with a high frequency of comorbid ADHD diagnoses. A decade ago, many psychologists worried that ADHD was being “over-diagnosed.” However, in recent years, psychological research has proven that almost 10% of the population has ADHD (6 million children: 9.8%, according to the CDC). In 2003, this number was estimated to be only 4.3% of children in the United States.

Interestingly, researchers now understand this 9.8% statistic to be global. Thus, this implies that it is not culture or ethnicity-dependent but, rather, universally prevalent. People diagnosed with ADHD may have ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Presentation, Predominantly Hyperactive Presentation, or Combined Presentation. This is dependent on their diagnosable symptoms: are they predominantly focus and attention based? Hyperactivity and impulsivity based? Alternatively, do they meet clinical criteria for a number of both types of symptoms?

A statistic that is not often discussed, however, is how common it is for people with ADHD to also have comorbid ADHD diagnoses. A comorbid diagnosis is a co-occurring diagnosis. In other words, it is common for an individual to not only have ADHD, but also have one or more diagnoses simultaneously. This is an important fact, as many people misdiagnose their anxiety, depression, bipolar, or other such disorders as ADHD. Then, they do not seek or receive the help they need to best cope with these additional disorders. Treating ADHD is so important. However, so is treating comorbid diagnoses for truly effective symptom management.

What are some Common Comorbid ADHD Diagnoses? How common are they?

In short, the answer is: very common! Approximately 65% of all individuals diagnosed with ADHD meet diagnostic criteria for a comorbid mental, emotional, or behavioral disorder. This is a higher comorbidity rate than with many other well-known psychological diagnoses. Here are some specifics. Of all individuals in the U.S. diagnosed with ADHD, the following percentages meet criteria for these diagnoses:

  • 52% have a behavior or conduct disorder
  • 50% have a sleep disorder (such as insomnia)
  • 50% have ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) as children, developing into a behavioral disorder in adulthood
  • 45% have a learning disorder.
    • This is believed to contribute to the finding that 33% of students with ADHD drop out of high school.
    • Notably, research has found that males diagnosed with ADHD have an approximate 65% risk of developing dyslexia or another form of writing disorder, while females have a 57% risk
  • 33% have anxiety (e.g.: Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Social Anxiety)
  • 20% have bipolar disorder
  • 17% have depression
  • 14-25% have ASD: Autism Spectrum Disorder
  • 10% of children with ADHD will develop Tourette syndrome (tics, etc.); 1-2% of whom maintain this syndrome into adulthood
  • 10% have a speech disorder
  • 10% will develop substance use disorder (alcohol or drugs)

To put this into context, this means that more than 2 out of every 3 individuals with ADHD also have a comorbid disorder. It is important to note that these statistics are based on diagnosed disorders. That implies that far more individuals with ADHD actually have these comorbid ADHD diagnoses than we psychologists have discovered through research thus far. You can learn more about ADHD statistics here:

  1. CDC’s ADHD Facts and Figures 
  2. ADDitude’s ADHD Statistics

How do I know if I or my Loved One has a Comorbid ADHD Diagnosis?

Understanding the link between ADHD and its common comorbid diagnoses: how they overlap, are separate, and interact, is key for effective treatment. The high degree of overlap can make it challenging for non-psychologists to differentiate them without a trained professional. For instance, individuals with ADHD may struggle to relax and focus. In combination with other symptoms, this may indicate a comorbid diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. People with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) can struggle with Inattention and Impulsivity: two hallmark characteristics of ADHD, Combined Presentation. Therapy and assessment with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and comorbid diagnoses are your two tools to clarify this overlap.

When an individual calls me wondering if they qualify for multiple diagnoses, including ADHD, the first step is assessment (psychological testing). There are two types of ADHD testing. The more expedient and moderately less expensive option is an ADHD testing. However, this only tests for ADHD. Choosing to be assessed through a psychologist qualifies individuals who are diagnosed with ADHD for stimulant medication through a psychiatrist, should they choose this treatment route, and accommodations at work or school. The second type is a comprehensive testing. This is referred to as a “psychodiagnostic” assessment. It assesses for all relevant diagnoses listed above. It can help individuals understand the links and differentiate the overlap between these various diagnoses’ symptoms.

How do I Learn more about Assessment?

If you feel you may benefit from an ADHD or Comprehensive ADHD Psychodiagnostic Assessment, then contact me today for a free consultation call. I’ll talk you through the benefits of the various options as well as discuss the next steps, fee, insurance reimbursement, and scheduling with you to make the process clear, calming, and effective. By reaching out today, you can learn more about your ADHD testing options and schedule an intake interview to begin your ADHD testing process. You’ll be that much closer to getting the answers you need to manage your symptoms and live a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Differentiating your diagnoses and how they interact is key for effective therapeutic treatment in the future. It provides clarity as to what you need to work on in therapy. Then, you will know what you need your psychologist to specialize in to ensure you receive the most effective treatment.

Many of my clients who came to me for testing transitioned to working with me for therapy for their ADHD and comorbid diagnoses. This is my speciality: an area of expertise I am passionate about and eager to help my clients in as we collaboratively work towards therapeutic treatment goals that are directly improving each of their comorbid ADHD diagnoses.

Remember, a psychological assessment is an investment in yourself. In your future. In your potential to discover clarity about your diagnoses and certainty about the path forward. I provide extensive and personalized recommendations to your unique case to help you develop the effective behavioral strategies needed to thrive with symptom management and alleviation. Reach out to me today to schedule a complimentary consultation call and take the first step towards gaining clarity and understanding.

 

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Client working with best fit mental health professional: a therapist who fits her needs to develop coping skills for anxiety and depression and ADHD symptoms
Managing emotions

What kind of therapist do I need? How to choose the right mental health professional

Written by Here Counseling

It’s a huge relief to finally find the mental health professional who is your “right fit.” Not only will you be able to receive the help and support you need, but you may also find that your overall sense of well-being improves as you work through your unique issues with the guidance of a compassionate and understanding professional. Certainly, when beginning the process of finding the right mental health professional, it can be difficult to know where to start. However, it is well worth the effort.

Sometimes, the decision is simple. If your goal is solely to seek information or a psychiatric medication prescription, then a psychiatrist is likely the best fit. Additionally, if you seek assessment to determine your diagnoses or if you qualify for accommodations, then you likely need a psychologist. However, if you are looking for therapy, then you have numerous options.

Why does it matter which type of mental health professional I choose?

Mental health is an important aspect of overall well-being. Thus, seeking out the right type of mental health professional for your needs can make a significant difference in your journey towards healing and self-improvement. Finding the right fit is crucial. It can impact the effectiveness of treatment and how comfortable you feel opening up and discussing sensitive topics. Presently, in this blog we’ll explore factors to consider when choosing a mental health professional so that you can choose the right type of therapist to best match your needs.

Mental health professionals are trained professionals who provide support, treatment, and care to people experiencing mental health challenges. There are many different types of mental health professionals, each with their own specific training and areas of expertise. Understanding the role of each type of mental health professional can help you find the right support for your needs.

How to Find the Right Mental Health Professional

I hope this chart helps you decide which type of mental health professional best meets your needs. To make an informed decision, I broke this chart down into detailed information about each type of therapist who can help you accomplish your treatment goals for therapy, assessment, or medication.

Mental Health Professional Graph

Types of Mental Health Professionals:

  1. Psychiatrists

    A lot of patients call me and are unsure of whether they need a psychiatrist vs psychologist. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in the treatment of mental health conditions. They can prescribe medication, provide therapy, and order laboratory tests or other diagnostic procedures to help diagnose and treat mental health conditions.
    • Training: They went to medical school, as opposed to graduate school for psychology/therapy. In California they are the only professionals on this list who can prescribe medication. Their training includes 4 years of medical school and another 4 years of residency in psychiatry.

  1. Psychologists

    Psychologists (like myself) are trained in the science of the mind and behavior. They can provide therapy to help individuals understand and cope with their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. They may do this by helping clients process their experience, identify patterns, and develop coping and problem-solving skills to better cope with or eradicate their symptoms.
    • Therapeutic Approach: They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches to help people change negative patterns of thought and behavior. This can include a wide variety of psychodynamic, humanistic, or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). This could include ACT, solution-focused therapy, relational, DBT, and so many other potential modalities. If you are looking for depth-oriented short or long-term psychotherapy with a specialist trained to work with your specific symptoms, a psychologist may be your best fit.
    • Training: Psychologists’ training includes 4-6 years of post-undergraduate additional schooling and specialization that incorporate clinical work throughout. This is followed by 2-3 years of pre- and post-doctoral clinical training. 
    • Assessments: Psychologists are also trained to administer psychological assessments. This involves administering and interpreting tests to help understand an individual’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral functioning. If you aim to learn whether you qualify for diagnoses (and associated work or school accommodations), psychologists can conduct a wide variety of assessments.
      • For instance, do you think you might have ADHD? Do you feel you may qualify for many different diagnoses and aim to learn which actually apply to you? If so, then assessment can help you gain these answers as well as receive personalized recommendations about how to more effectively manage or eradicate your symptoms
      Degree Types: It is important to note that there are two different types of psychologist degrees: PhD and PsyD. PhD’s are doctors of Philosophy, whereas PsyD’s are doctors of Psychology. PsyD graduate programs prepare graduates to apply scientific knowledge to working with clients therapeutically. PhD programs emphasize research by preparing graduates to study the theories behind psychological principles and practices. Many PhD programs also require applied clinical training. However, the major difference frequently lies in PhD programs requiring double the research as PsyD’s, and PsyD programs requiring double the clinical work (conducting patient therapy and assessment) as PhD programs.

  1. Marriage and Family Therapists

    Another common question I receive is about the differences between a psychologist vs MFT. Marriage and family therapists are trained to work with individuals, couples, and families to address relationship issues, communication, and problem-solving. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues. This may include mental health conditions, relationship problems, and parenting challenges.
    • Training: MFT’s are typically the second most trained type of therapist (excluding psychiatrists) after psychologists on this list. Their training includes a two-year graduate program followed by approximately two years of working with clients pre-licensure.
    • MFT vs Psychologist: Ultimately, the decision between a psychologist and an MFT will depend on your specific needs and preferences. If you are seeking support for a specific mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression, a psychologist may be a good choice. If you seek support for relationship issues or to improve communication and problem-solving skills within your family, an MFT may be a better fit.

  1. Clinical Social Workers

    Clinical social workers train to provide therapy, support, and advocacy to individuals, families, and groups. They may work with people who are dealing with a wide range of issues, including mental health conditions, relationship problems, and substance abuse. Social workers often work for organizations that provide community services, such as in government agencies or non-profit organizations.
    • Training: Similar to MFT’s, social workers’ training includes a two year graduate program. MFT’s typically follow this with approximately two years of training in the field.

  1. Counselors

    Many people wonder about the difference between a counselor vs clinical social worker. Counselors can provide therapy and support to people facing a variety of challenges. This includes mental health conditions, relationship issues, and career problems. They may use a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as CBT or mindfulness-based therapy, to help people overcome their challenges.
    • Training: MFT training tends to be more variable. Depending on their qualifications, it often includes a 1-3 year training course followed by clinical work pre-qualification.

So which Mental Health Professional is right for you?

In summary, each type of mental health professional has different training and qualifications. Therefore, it’s important to find the right fit for your needs. It’s important to choose a mental health professional with whom you feel comfortable and safe. Trust and rapport are key to the therapeutic relationship. Therefore, it’s important to find someone whom you feel comfortable talking to about personal issues. Most mental health professionals offer a free consultation call to discern goodness of fit. Remember, if a therapist feels you are looking for something beyond their scope of practice, they should discuss your options. They may refer you to the type of mental health professional that is most likely to best meet your needs. Keep in mind, may take some trial and error to find the right fit. However, the effort is worth it for the benefits of effective treatment.

Understanding the Letters Behind the Name (PhD, LMFT, etc)

Understanding the letters behind a therapist’s name can help you decipher which type of professional you are reading about when you see someone’s title:

Psychiatrists:

  • Doctor of Medicine (MD)
  • Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO)

Psychologists:

  • Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) in the field of psychology
  • Doctor of Psychology (PsyD)

Counselors and Therapists:

  • LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
  • LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor
  • LCADAC, Licensed Clinical Alcohol & Drug Abuse Counselor

Social Workers:

  • LICSW, Licensed Independent Social Workers
  • LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  • ACSW, Academy of Certified Social Worker

Finally, remember that it’s okay to take your time and be selective in your search for a mental health professional. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Finding the right person to work with can make all the difference in your journey towards healing and growth. So, when you’re ready to take the next step and begin therapy or seek assessment, fill this out to schedule a free consultation call. Begin your journey today: contact a therapist

 

Shannon N. Thomas, Psy.D.
Shannon N. Thomas, Psy.D.

I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.

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Man with ADHD procrastinating distracted from remote work.
ADHD, Managing emotions

5 ADHD Myths Debunked

Written by Here Counseling

When you’re diagnosed with ADHD, it can be difficult to discern facts from reality. The same is true if you are in the contemplation phase; wondering if you qualify for an ADHD diagnosis can be difficult while sifting through all the misinformation on social media that is perpetuated across the internet and pop-culture. Here I explain the reality behind the five main ADHD myths I encounter the most when working with new clients who struggle with symptoms of ADHD.

ADHD Myth #1: “You’re just lazy”

One of the biggest misconceptions about undiagnosed people with ADHD is that they just aren’t trying hard enough. Over half of the patients with ADHD I work with have been blamed for their untreated symptoms. Do any of these statements sound familiar?

  • “You’re just not trying hard enough!” 
  • “Everyone else can get it done in time!” 
  • “You just need to be more determined.”

These are fallacies! Not to mention incredibly damaging and demoralizing. The reality is that there is NO psychological correlation between ADHD and laziness.  Lack of effort is NOT a symptom of ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD work harder than their neuro-typical counterparts because of the symptoms they’re knowingly or, too often, unknowingly combating.

ADHD Myth #2: Symptoms include…”

If you have TikTok or Instagram then you probably haven’t managed to avoid the endless cycle of videos explaining what ADHD looks like.

Social media would have us believe that everyone qualifies for an ADHD diagnosis. Now, social media has done a great job of raising awareness about disorders that people may otherwise not have thought to explore, get tested for, and treat. 

However, they also contain a lot of myths about ADHD. I’ve lost track of how many completely incorrect symptoms I’ve heard on social media, from symptoms that actually indicate other disorders altogether to “frequent tripping.” 

The truth is, whenever you want to learn the specifics of psychological disorders, social media is such a mixed bag of fact and fiction that you’re likely to encounter too many of they myths we’ve discussed so far. 

Instead, consult with a psychologist or the DSM. The DSM is our Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which we use for differential diagnosis. It describes the symptoms of every psychological disorder and how many of them you need to experience in a certain time frame to qualify for various disorders and specifiers. 

In short, there are three subtypes for ADHD:

  • Predominantly Inattention Presentation
  • Predominantly Hyperactivity Presentation
  • And ADHD, Combined Presentation

Depending on how many of each type of symptom you meet, you can be diagnosed with one of these specifiers. In a future blog, I’ll break down each of these specifiers in greater detail. In the meantime, you can check the DSM (our current version is the DSM-5-TR) to learn more.

ADHD Myth #3: “Adderall is always dangerous and addictive”

A lot of people have concerns about taking medication for ADHD. This isn’t incorrect, but there are also a lot of myths about the statistics of how medication can impact you. In short, there are numerous types of medications that can be used to treat ADHD. Some of these are stimulants, such as Adderall and Ritalin, and some are non-stimulants, such as Wellbutrin and Stratera which can also be used to treat depression. 

  1. Just as psychologists are the experts on therapy, psychiatrists are the experts on medication. Your psychiatrist can provide education about the different types of medications and which may be the best suited to your specific needs and concerns. 

Adderall is a class-A stimulant, which is why it needs to be carefully monitored by your psychiatrist. It certainly has the potential to be addictive, and can be dangerous due to its side effects such as appetite suppression which can lead to dangerous weight levels. 

However, if used correctly and monitored responsibly, many people find Adderall to be highly effective to help mitigate their symptoms. But, then there’s the other side of the coin…

ADHD Myth #4: “Adderall is a magic pill; it fixes ADHD”

Adderall is not a one-stop-shop magic pill that will get rid of your symptoms. It won’t suddenly make you stop procrastinating or maintain focus on what you feel that you should be focusing on. However, many people find that it can give you a choice. In other words, it can help you feel capable of, for instance, maintaining attention, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t still capable of procrastinating just like a person without ADHD can.

    Some people do find that Adderall feels like this “night and day” experience that drastically helps them manage their symptoms. If you try it and find that is not your experience, remember that there are plenty of medication options and that plenty of people try various medications or dosages before finding the right fit.

    I like to recall the mantra that a psychiatrist I used to work with utilized when advising patients beginning ADHD medication: start low, go slow. 

    ADHD Myth #5: You grow out of ADHD, it’s “a childhood thing”

    This popular myth may have stemmed from the fact that, in order for a psychologist to diagnose you with ADHD, your symptoms must have manifested prior to age 12. So yes, ADHD must be present in childhood, but it isn’t confined to childhood. 

    Some people do find that their symptoms lessen with age. Some people needed medication while in school, for instance, but find it less necessary to take medication in later life. 

    Remember, however, that many people do not find that their symptoms decrease as they age. Many people report that they discovered coping mechanisms to aid their ADHD symptoms, which may contribute to them feeling that their symptoms lessened as they got older. These strategies may include the following, which I’ll expand upon in a future blog:

    • Breaking larger projects down into its minor components
    • Setting reminders for daily or important tasks 
    • Taking regular breaks when studying or working, such as employing the Pomodoro technique
    • Making their work/study environment as distraction free as possible
    • Using rewards to motivate themselves
    • Identifying and utilizing an “acountabili-buddy.”

    Next Steps

    Separating the myth from reality is key when learning about your new or suspected ADHD diagnosis. ADHD is a diagnosis with a high percentage of comorbidity, which means that people with ADHD sometimes also have another diagnosis, such as Anxiety, Depression, or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    When the line between myth and reality becomes murky, it can be difficult to discern which diagnosis (if any) is currently impacting you. That can make it hard to figure out the best “next steps.” These next steps likely include working with a psychologist to be assessed for ADHD and learn if you qualify for a diagnosis. A psychologist will help you develop behavioral strategies to alleviate your symptoms or differentiate the impact of multiple diagnoses. Your psychologist may also help you meet with a psychiatrist to learn if medication could help you manage your symptoms more effectively. My hope is that this blog will help dispel some myths, arm you with truths, and help you begin to discern the next step that will be most beneficial for you. 

    Don’t know if you have ADHD?

    I can help you answer that question.

    A clear assessment can make all the difference in your life. Find out how we can help you

    ADHD Testing Options

     

    Shannon Thomas, PsyD
    Shannon Thomas, PsyD

    I work with individuals and couples struggling with ADHD, anxiety, vocational, or relational issues who seek to thrive emotionally, individually, and relationally.

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    Managing emotions

    Am I Too Stressed? 3 Indicators Men Don’t Notice!

    Written by Here Counseling
    Stressed man worried about his relationships

    Stress hits every individual differently, regardless of gender orientation or expression. But men struggling with too much stress often adopt negative coping skills that may not always be obvious. These negative coping skills, such as irritation, escape, unhealthy eating, and maladaptive digestion to name only a few, can effect way more than just your mental health. 

    Stress is sometimes good. It can keep you motivated to get your work done, stay social, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. But chronic stress results in health complications that can limit your quality of life.

    Here are the physical, mental, and emotional signs that indicate you’re at risk of developing chronic stress.

    What are Physical Indicators of Stress in Men?

    We often think of stress as worry or fear of that upcoming deadline or of checking off enough items on the to-do list. But often we fail to realize that stress comes with many physical symptoms as well.

    Chronic stress is evidence of an overactive fight or flight response which, by nature, draws your body’s attention away from important functions like digestion and immunity, and instead increases your heart rate, muscle energy, and breathing. Chronic stress can therefore increase infection risk and slow healing, and cause problems in your gut and nutrition absorption. 

    Physical indicators of stress:

    • Chest pain
    • Irregular heartbeats
    • Elevated blood pressure
    • Body weakness or fatigue
    • Shortness of breath
    • Muscle spasms
    • Neck or lower back pain
    • Vertigo or Dizziness
    • Tension Headaches

    In addition, you may also experience:

    • Tightness in the throat
    • Increased thirst or mouth dryness
    • Teeth grinding or locked jaw
    • Frequent sweating
    • Abdominal cramps
    • Digestive issues such as constipation, diarrhea, or indigestion
    • Skin problems such as acne or blemishes
    • Weight gain or loss

    If you’re experiencing any physical signs of stress, do not ignore them. Find the right therapist and visit your doctor to make sure you’re not suffering from any underlying medical issues.

    What are the Psychological Indicators of Stress in Men?

    When your body is under the influence of stress, it produces hormones like cortisol, affecting your thinking pattern.

    Stress also blocks the release of happy hormones from your brain, such as serotonin and dopamine.

    Psychological indicators of stress include:

    • Lack of sleep or insomnia
    • Social withdrawal
    • Inconsistent sex drive or libido
    • Constant mood swings
    • Fidgeting or irritability
    • Frequent hunger pangs or starvation
    • Escape to alcohol or other substances
    • Diminished productivity or creativity

    If you find yourself checking off items from these lists, check out Kristi’s recent post on 3 tried-tested ways to clear your mind. It’s pure gold! And if you find yourself craving extra guidance, reach out to us for a free consult. 

    What are the Emotional Indicators of Stress in Men?

    Whenever stressed, your brain tends to entertain irrational beliefs. These unhelpful thoughts can cause incredibly painful emotions, and sometimes harmful choices that can lead you down a direction contrary to what you imagined for yourself. 

    Emotional indicators of stress:

    • Regular crying spells
    • Staying at home more than usual
    • Avoiding friends or family
    • Saying “no” to activities you usually enjoy
    • Frequent nightmares
    • Obsessive or compulsive behaviors 
    • Escape to alcohol or substance use

    Find ways to bring oxygen to your difficult emotions by opening up with safe individuals. By releasing tough feelings from your body, you free your body to return to its baseline, peaceful functioning. 

    Does Stress Make You Sick?

    With your fight or flight system calling the shots, your body’s ability to maintain your physical health is hijacked. This can put you at risk of cardiac disorders, gastrointestinal disorders, increased virus risk, sexual dysfunction, or other physical difficulties. 

    Here’s the bottom line:

    Stress disrupts every phase of your life and snatches your independence by putting you at a higher risk of developing multiple mental and physical disorders. If you’re experiencing a majority of the above-mentioned physical, mental, or emotional factors, you might be at risk of chronic stress. 

    You owe it to yourself to seek help. Visit your doctor to insure you aren’t suffering from a medical condition. Feel free to reach out to me or the other therapists at Here Counseling if you’d like an experienced guide on your side as you navigate your way out of chronic stress. 

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    Anxiety, Managing emotions

    Navigating stress as a college student

    Written by Here Counseling

    This week, a 12am deadline came on the same day a super cute someone invited you to the event with the film club after class. And last week, hours of YouTube searches didn’t help you narrow down between your 3 top potential majors. You know you need to navigate between sleep and deadlines and family and dating and maintaining friends, but it all seems too much. 

    Being a college student comes with a fair amount of stress. Trying to balance these never ending elements can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. What’s worse is that during such periods of stress, our brains are primed to adopt a negative self-monologue. 

    Turn down the stress voice

    Underneath these negative monologues is an unhelpful belief about the self. See if any of these messages fit with your experience, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

    “I’m alone.” 

    “I’m not good enough.” 

    “I’m not safe.” 

    “I’m not loved.” 

    Take a moment to reflect and analyze what your recent train of thought has been. Asking yourself these questions, could help you narrow it all down: 

    • How has it made you feel? 
    • Do you have that constant trepidation that everything is going to get worse? 
    • Are you replaying all the ways certain people or events have made you feel like you’re not good enough? 
    • Do your dreams feel far from reach? 

    Raise the volume on your empowerment voice

    Slow down for a moment. Take a look at how far you’ve come. It’s easy to focus on how much you’ve not done or the mistakes you’ve made. 

    You cooked dinner for yourself? That’s amazing. 

    Came to class even though you were emotionally exhausted? You’re doing your best. 

    Have you fought the onslaught of negative words? That’s bravery.

    In taking the chance to celebrate your wins, you adopt a more empowering self belief. See if any of these empowering identity messages fit for you, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

    “I have plenty of support around me.”

    “I’m good at many things.”

    “I can be safe with healthy boundaries.”

    “I know people who love me.”

    Try spending the first 2-5 minutes of your day celebrating what’s right in your life and what that means about your empowering identity message. You can go on preparing for your day. Celebrate all the wins you can in this time. Clap for yourself; applaud your endeavors, high five your mirror reflection! 

    Live in your newfound empowerment. 

    Think of these identity volumes as operating frameworks. When you step into the day from the framework of “I’m not good enough”, you second guess decisions, taking a long time to make any choice. Perhaps you’ll avoid talking to someone you find attractive. And sitting to write that term paper feels like running a marathon. 

    When you increase the volume on your positive identity beliefs such as “I’m good at many things”, you experience the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. You discover an empowerment to make good choices quickly. You find that the term paper doesn’t bring as much stress as before. 

    Knowing when you need therapy

    Choosing to alter your operating framework to a more empowering self belief is not so simple all the time. Very often, we need to pick apart our life stories and our present stresses in order to understand and even believe what is truly positive and strong about who we are. This journey of exploration can easily be facilitated in a therapy setting. In therapy, we’ll peer underneath the messages and events holding you back from the goals you’ve set for yourself, uncovering and dismantling their negative power on your progress. 

    Fill out a contact form or call our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you navigate through the stresses of college life. 

    Gavin Cross, LMFT
    Gavin Cross, LMFT

    Counseling for men and couples
    I empower men and couples to embrace an authentic sense of self.

    Website Link Here!
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    Healthy Relationships, Parenting

    Did your “Tiger Parent” help? How your Asian upbringing impacts you today

    Written by Here Counseling

    “Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.

    Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.

    As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”

    You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.

    What Is Tiger Parenting?

    The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.

    Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:

    • Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
    • Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
    • Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)

    A belief that discipline = love

    In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.

    TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY

    Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth. 

    If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:

    • Cultural and familial context matters
    • We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents

    How It Affects You as an Adult

    Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.

    Many adult children of tiger parents experience:

    • Chronic anxiety or burnout
    • A harsh inner critic
    • Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
    • Shame around failure or “letting people down”
    • Struggles with identity or decision-making

    Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.

    DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!

    Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.

    Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors. 

    TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD

    In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds. 

    It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles. 

    TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL 

    Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.

    We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.

    The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.

    See our Pasadena Therapists
    See All Therapists

    Signs You Might Still Be Affected Today

    You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.

    You might:

    • Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
    • Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
    • Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
    • Avoid disappointing others at all costs
    • Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve

    These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.

    How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting

    You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.

    Together, we can:

    • Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
    • Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
    • Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
    • Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
    • Learn how to set boundaries without shame
    • Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance

    In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.

    Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.

    Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This

    So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.

    And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.

    You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.

    Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.

    If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:

    • Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
    • Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
    • Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
    • Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.

    Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.

    Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling

    At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.

    We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.

    You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.

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    LGBTQ emotion regulation
    Managing emotions

    LGBTQ Emotion Regulation: 4 Powerful and Simple Tips to Survive any Reaction to your Queerness

    Written by Here Counseling

    Being Queer is something that you’ve worked hard to embrace. You’ve accepted your identity as a fact that you can’t and don’t want to change, and this level of self-acceptance has come with some major benefits.

    • Your anxiety and depression have decreased. 
    • Your understanding of yourself, your dreams, and your likes and dislikes have all increased.
    • Your friendships are rich and complex because you are living as your authentic self.

    But while you’ve bulleted forward on your path of understanding and self-acceptance, you’ve left others behind- family members and former friends that you wish would understand and accept you more than they do. When you’re confronted with the vast difference between how far you’ve come and where your loved one is, it can make you feel like the gains you’ve made don’t matter. However, this cannot be further from the truth! Emotion regulation can help when you’re in these situations.

    Queer Empathy

    You likely have a high sense of empathy due to the ways you now understand yourself. As an LGBTQ individual, you have likely spent upwards of hundreds or thousands of hours contemplating your identity, what it means, and how to exist in a world of heteronormativity and cisnormativity. 

    Your family (unless they also identify as LGBTQ) has likely not spent nearly this many hours on the topic. This may mean that some of them are stuck in ways of thinking that have been dictated to them by broader heteronormative culture, and others may be deeply entrenched in an anti-queer bias that seems relentless. 

    Emotion regulation to survive reactions to your Queerness.  

    Whether a loved one makes an innocent but uneducated comment, or a hateful comment meant to degrade, your emotions can easily get hijacked. It’s important to take a step back and have a quick conversation with your thoughts and emotions to remain centered. 

    4 CRUCIAL QUESTIONS TO REGAIN EMOTIONAL CENTEREDNESS

    1. WHAT DOES THIS INTERACTION MAKE ME BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?

    Behind our anger, our sadness, our disappointment, is a negative self-belief in response to our loved one’s actions or words. The crucial first step in emotion regulation is to ask yourself- what is the negative self-belief message that you are getting from this interaction. Some of the messages that you might be receiving are:

    • Something’s wrong with me.
    • I’m not loved.
    • I don’t matter.
    • I’m not wanted.
    • I’m not safe.

    There are many other potential negative self-belief messages that could be attacking you. Listen to your heart and mind, and name which one(s) plague you the most often. 

    1. WHEN I BELIEVE THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

    Negative self-beliefs are brutal. These messages really want you to self-sabotage. It’s important to know the behaviors and emotions these negative beliefs try to get you to adopt. Typically, a person tends to respond to these messages similarly each time these beliefs come up. The more you ask yourself these emotion regulation questions, the more solid your skills will become. Here are a few examples of unhelpful responses you may experience in response to negative self-beliefs:

    • Anger, retaliation
    • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etc.)
    • Running away, escape
    • Self-hate, self-blame
    • Fatigue
    • Depression
    • Body symptoms  
    • Stress
    1. WHAT’S TRUE ABOUT ME?

    Now it’s time to fight the negative self-belief. In this step, you want to search for evidence that the negative self-belief is untrue. As an LGBTQ individual, it’s also important in this step to ask yourself if the loved one is truly a safe person for you. Many heteronormative individuals have never had to confront their own thoughts, beliefs, and values about Queer identities. Because of this, they may need some time and education in order to change beliefs and decrease problematic comments or responses. For others, their anti-LGBTQ bias may be so entrenched that they may never be safe to be in a relationship with. You might find that this step of searching for truth looks different for the two following categories of truth statements.

    With individuals who want to understand but aren’t there yet:

    • This person seems curious, and that curiosity makes me feel seen. 
    • This person is communicating that they love me and I feel loved. 
    • I have this person’s attention. I am important.
    • This person seems shocked, but maybe they just need time. They’ve shown me in the past that I really matter to them.

    With individuals who show no interest in understanding or accepting me:

    • I’m loved. The people who love me are not in this room, and that’s okay.
    • This sucks but this will end and I can leave. I can choose to walk away at any point.
    • My journey matters. I won’t abandon it.
    • This is not a safe topic with this person, but I have others I can speak with openly.
    1. IN LIGHT OF THIS TRUTH, HOW DO I WANT TO RESPOND?

    Having fought the negative self-belief with evidence of what is true about you, you are now empowered to take control from the negative self-belief and step into the confidence and peace you long for. Some affirmations to move forward are:

    • I will exercise patience and understanding with those putting in an effort to understand and love me. 
    • I will walk away from dehumanizing interactions when I need to, knowing that at the end of the day I still matter. 
    • I will spend extra time thinking of and appreciating those who truly care about me. 
    • I recognize that I know my body, soul, and experience better than someone who has never lived my story. 

    How do I know when I need more than emotion regulation- do I need therapy?

    Look, I get it. You’re a queer individual in a heteronormative and cisnormative world. You want to love yourself well and be free to love others authentically. Sometimes, we need a little help getting there. You can always ask a therapist for a free consultation to see if therapy could be a good fit for you. 

    Stand in your strength!

    Incorporate the 4 questions of emotion regulation into your routine when dealing with difficult conversations. 

    1. What does this interaction make me believe about myself? 
    2. When I believe this way, how do I normally respond?
    3. What’s true about me?
    4. In light of this truth, how do I want to respond?

    Remember that you have so much value. Negative self-beliefs want you to ignore your value, but it’s always there. Tap into that truth and stand in the confidence and strength that you deserve.

    Reference:
    Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

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    Managing emotions

    How to Break Up with Your Therapist: End Therapy if it’s Not the Best Fit

    Written by Here Counseling

    Want to break up with your therapist? To break up with your therapist, reflect on your reasons, choose your method (session, email, or call), prepare what to say, and communicate clearly. You don’t need a termination session if you feel unsafe. This article will answer your questions about how to approach terminating therapy.

    There are many reasons why therapy or a specific therapist may no longer be a good fit for you. You have the right to end therapy and your therapeutic relationship at any time, but it might be difficult to identify the reasons for ending the relationship or how to end the relationship. This article will empower you in your decision to continue or end therapy. 

    First, I want to go over some of the reasons that you may choose to end therapy or end your relationship with a therapist. This is not an exhaustive list, so there may be other reasons that influence your decisions, but I hope it helps illustrate some of the reasons.


    Why do people break up with their therapist?

    • Your therapist has done harm to you or the therapeutic relationship. This could be something like your therapist not taking feedback well, or something like making a sexual advance. Further below, I’ll discuss the process of filing a complaint against your provider if they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal.
    • You don’t feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Maybe they don’t have a lot of experience in the issue that you want to work on, or maybe a new issue has come up that your current therapist isn’t as familiar with. Perhaps you began therapy to talk about conflict in a relationship, but now you want to focus on the trauma that you’ve experienced and that is not your therapist’s area of expertise.
    • Maybe your therapist has brought up that they are not the right person to provide the support that you need. Your therapist may recommend that you see another therapist for expertise in an issue, utilizing a specific modality, or for a better fit.
    • Your financial circumstances have changed. The session fee is no longer in your budget.
    • You’ve outgrown therapy. When you started therapy, you had goals of things you wanted to change or process. Part of therapy is assessing your progress and goals. If you’ve reached your goals and don’t have others to work on, you might have outgrown therapy for right now.
    how to break up with your therapist

    How to Break Up with Your Therapist

    When you decide to end therapy, you do not owe anything to your therapist. If your experience in therapy has been negative, or you feel unsafe with your therapist, you do not need to have a termination session with them. You can end therapy with a phone call or email. 

    If you feel safe having a termination session with your therapist, it can be a good time to process the course of therapy with them- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    You get to decide if you want to be done with therapy (like if you’ve outgrown therapy), or if you are interested in finding a therapist who is a better fit for you and your needs.

    Sample Scripts for Ending Therapy

    • My needs are no longer being met in this therapeutic relationship.
    • My goals for therapy have changed, and I’d like to work with a therapist who can focus on {this specific issue}
    • I was hurt in this situation between us, and I’m not happy with the way it was/was not resolved. I’m not comfortable continuing to work together.
    • My financial situation has changed, and I can no longer afford your fee. Do you have any sliding scale spots available, or could you provide me with referrals to therapists with lower fees?
    • I’ve reached my therapy goals, and I’d like to take a break from therapy or be done with therapy.

    Steps to Break Up with Your Therapist

    1. Reflect on Your Reasons

    Take time to identify why you want to end therapy (e.g., unmet needs, discomfort, or financial changes).

    2. Decide on the Method:

    Choose whether to have a termination session, send an email, or make a phone call based on your comfort and safety.

    3. Prepare Your Message

    If having a session, plan what to say. If writing or calling, draft a clear, respectful message.

    4. Communicate Your Decision

    Inform your therapist firmly and politely, whether in person, by email, or over the phone.

    5. Discuss Next Steps

    If needed, ask for referrals to other therapists or instructions for transferring records.

    6. Follow Up

    Tie up loose ends, such as final payments or confirming referrals.

    File a Complaint

    If you chose to break up with your therapist because they have done something unprofessional, unethical, or illegal, you can choose to file a complaint to the Board of Psychology against your therapist or psychologist. In California, you can file a complaint through this website. If you aren’t in California, you can search for “file a board of psychology complaint in {insert your state}.” The Board of Psychology regulates the licenses and ethics of mental health clinicians. If you want to know more about the process of filing a complaint, Open Counseling wrote a helpful article.

    You Deserve Support

    We hope that this article is empowering to you as you think about what is best for you and your mental health. If you are looking for a therapist, consider our therapists! Learn more about them at this link.

    See our Pasadena Therapists
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    Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

    How to Fix a Bad Apology

    Written by Here Counseling

    The bad apology: We’ve all heard one. We’ve all used one. And when we do it feels so gross.

    “God, I’m SORRY!”
    “I don’t know what I did but whatever it is I apologize.”
    “I guess I’m sorry that you think I wasn’t listening.”
    “Look, I said I’m sorry. Why’re you still angry?

    No. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t help. Actually, a bad apology usually makes the person we’re apologizing to even more upset. Because it isn’t really an apology.

    How to Tell When an Apology Isn’t Sincere

    It can be hard to know when someone really means “I’m sorry” — especially when you’re emotionally raw. But learning to spot the signs of a hollow apology can protect your peace, and help you decide how (or whether) to move forward with someone.

    Here are a few signals that the apology you’re hearing might not be coming from a place of true remorse:

    1. “If” and “but” apologies
     “If you felt that way” or “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” aren’t real apologies. They dodge responsibility and put the burden on you for having feelings. That’s not repair — that’s evasion.

    2. Blame gets redirected
     When an apology slips in a line like “You made me do it,” it’s not about healing — it’s about shifting guilt. Real apologies stay with the impact, not the excuse.

    3. It’s vague
     A half-apology might say “I messed up” but skip what exactly was done wrong. If someone can’t name their behavior, it’s hard to believe they really understand it.

    4. The focus is on their intentions, not your hurt
     “I didn’t mean to” might be true — but it doesn’t make the hurt go away. If someone is more focused on how misunderstood they feel than how you feel, the apology isn’t landing.5. The pattern repeats
     If you keep hearing “I’m sorry” but nothing ever changes, that’s not growth — that’s a loop. A meaningful apology includes effort. Without that, the words start to feel empty.

    A bad apology is a demand. It’s a shield. It’s selfish.

    A bad apology translates to:
    “Stop feeling angry. Stop being sad. You being upset means I’m a bad person. I don’t wanna hear that. I said I’m sorry so I can be done with this.”

    A bad apology takes care of ourselves. It denies responsibility because acknowledging we did something wrong is uncomfortable.

    But all of this misses the whole point of an apology.

    A good apology is supposed to take care of the person who’s hurt. It’s a gift of your empathy and understanding.

    A good apology requires you to sit for a moment in the head of the person across from you and set aside your own discomfort to take care of them.

    A good apology provides resolution so that both of you get to feel genuinely better at the end.

    The Cost of a Bad Apology

    It’s not just that a bad apology doesn’t help — it actually makes things worse. It creates distance instead of closeness. It turns vulnerability into frustration. And over time, it teaches the other person that bringing up hurt feelings isn’t safe or worth it.

    When that happens often enough, people stop sharing what they feel. The relationship moves into quiet resentment, emotional shutdown, or blowups that seem to come out of nowhere.

    Learning how to apologize well isn’t about being perfect. It’s about keeping the connection open, even in moments of conflict. And that’s what makes a relationship stronger.

    Why Are Bad Apologies So Common?

    We don’t learn how to apologize well. Most of us grow up seeing apologies used as damage control — a way to end the conversation, not repair the relationship. We see apologies as a transaction: “Say the words, and let’s move on.”

    But real apologies require emotional presence, not just polite language. They ask us to sit in discomfort for a minute and consider someone else’s pain without immediately managing our own. That’s a skill many people never learned.

    Understanding why bad apologies happen doesn’t excuse them. But it helps us shift from shame to responsibility. And it opens the door to doing things differently.

    So if you want to practice a good apology, here are the steps:

    Calm yourself.

    Criticism often feels deeply personal and emotionally charged. When someone tells you that you did something that hurt or offends them, you’re likely going to feel a sharp pang of adrenaline. Don’t counterattack. Hold back your defensiveness. Don’t argue. Don’t explain why you did what you did. In a good apology, those are inside thoughts. Breathe. Remind yourself that you aren’t being attacked, so you don’t need to defend.

    Listen.

    You have to listen carefully to what the person is upset about. Maybe even repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Then with genuine curiosity and without anger, ask them if you understood. Allow them to correct you and repeat this until you understand clearly.
    “Oh, you’re saying that being on the phone when I got home today felt like I was ignoring you. Is that right?”
    “…and I wasn’t paying attention to the questions you were asking me. Ok.”

    Reflect.

    Pause and take a moment to think about how they felt. Really consider the situation from their perspective; then express why their reaction makes sense to you. If it still doesn’t make sense, go back to asking questions (with curiosity and without anger) until it does.
    “That makes sense. I can see why if I’m literally not responding it feels like I was ignoring you.”

    Take Responsibility.

    Accept that you did something wrong. Say this clearly to the other person without trying to soften the “wrongness” of what you did or shift the blame. They will see right through that.
    “You’re right. I wasn’t really paying attention today. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I know you like for us to talk when I get home.”

    Apologize Directly.

    Say the damn words.
    “I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry I made you feel ignored. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t care about you.”

    Take Action.

    Identify what you would like to do differently and then do it. And if in the moment, you’re not sure how to fix the problem, you can say that too, as long as you also verbally take the responsibility to think about it and come up with something later.
    “Tomorrow I’ll make sure to set down my phone when I come in.”

    Check-in.

    The point of a good apology is to take care of the person you love. Circle back to how they feel. Gently ask them if they feel better. Keep in mind that they might not feel better, but even if it’s not in this moment, a good apology can lead to emotional resolution.
    “I love you. How’re you feeling? ”

    When You’re Not Ready to Apologize

    Sometimes you’re still hurt, confused, or overwhelmed yourself. And trying to force out an apology when you’re not ready can feel fake — or worse, resentful.

    If you’re not ready, it’s okay to say that. But don’t leave the other person hanging. You can say something like:

    “I know this mattered to you, and I want to talk about it. I just need a little time to sort through my own feelings so I can be present with you.”

    A good apology doesn’t have to be immediate. It has to be sincere. Take the time you need, but stay connected. Let them know you’re coming back to the conversation.

    What to Do When the Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

    You’ve heard the words, but something still feels… off. The apology doesn’t sit right, and you’re left wondering what to do with that discomfort.

    You’re not overreacting. And you don’t have to ignore it.

    Here’s what you can try:

    Speak honestly about how it landed
     Use “I” statements to reflect how you feel without escalating things. Try:

    “I appreciate you trying to make things right, but the apology didn’t feel like it addressed what happened.”

    Ask for clarity
     Sometimes, people are well-meaning but unskilled. You can invite them to go deeper:

    “Can you help me understand exactly what you’re apologizing for?”

    Name what you need
     If you’re ready to move forward but need something specific, say so. Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s a change in behavior. Either way, you deserve to name your boundaries.

    Protect your emotional space
     You don’t owe continued access to someone who consistently disregards your feelings — even if they say “sorry.” You can love someone and still choose distance when needed.

    Decide what repair looks like for you
     Genuine repair takes time, effort, and mutual investment. You get to choose what’s best for your well-being, whether that’s reconnection or release.

    Calm yourself. Listen. Reflect. Take Responsibility. Apologize Directly. Take Action. Check-in.

    A good apology helps. It does what apologies are supposed to do. It takes care of someone who’s hurt.

    It’s important to remember that good apologies are necessary but they’re not a silver bullet. All of the above assumes that the person you’re apologizing to is emotionally aware and is acting in good faith. It assumes that they know their needs and are being direct. Without those conditions met, even the best apology might go south.

    There are so many things that get in the way of peace in our relationships. If you find yourself stuck, that even your good apologies don’t seem to be moving you toward a place of resolution, please reach out. That’s where therapy can help.

    But to start with it’s important to step back from the bad apologies, step back from defending yourself, and in a moment of vulnerability choose to be loving instead.

    Therapy Can Help You Practice Apologizing Differently

    Apologizing isn’t just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, vulnerability, empathy, and communication patterns. These are deep skills, and if you didn’t grow up learning them, it’s not your fault. But you can learn them now.

    In therapy, we help you slow down the moment, notice what’s happening underneath your reactions, and build a new way of responding — one that helps both people feel seen and safe.

    If conflict keeps repeating itself in your relationships — even when you’re trying to do the right thing — we’re here to help you break that pattern and build connection instead.

    See Our Therapists in Pasadena and LA
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