You may be dreading the holidays this year, or just not as excited as usual. This is a normal response if you have lost a loved one or something important to you, whether it was this year or years ago. Anniversaries and holidays bring up memories and feelings that can be painful and hard to cope with.
What to Expect from Grief
Grief is a deeply individual experience based on your relationship with what or who you lost. Grief looks different for everyone and is never easy or predictable. There is no timeline for grief or a time when you are “supposed” to be done grieving. Though there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are some things that you can do to help in the healing process.
5 Ways to Cope with Grief
1) Recognize How Grief Impacts Other Emotions
When we are grieving, our emotions may be unpredictable. We may feel more sad, angry, fearful, or numb than usual. Things that usually do not bother us may feel like a big deal or cause more pain than usual. Acknowledging that our emotions are being triggered by grief and accepting that we are hurting is the first step in more effectively coping with grief.
2) Get Support
Find support from people who care about you. It can be easy to isolate while you are grieving but is better to let others share the grief with you and be there for you. Talk about your loss if you need to or just enjoy spending time together. If you don’t have anyone who will be able to support you, consider joining a support group.
3) Take Care of Yourself
Grief can take an emotional and physical toll. You may feel more exhausted, get a cold more easily or have difficulty sleeping. Allow yourself the time to do what you need to do to be ok, whether that is resting, journaling, faith practices or being physically active. Keep up regular routines as much as possible while also recognizing that simple things may be harder for a while.
4) Honor their memory
An important part of healing from grief is being able to identify new ways to relate to and remember the person you have lost. Honoring their memory may help you feel connected with them and able to integrate who they were into your life now. There are a lot of creative things you can do to honor their memory.
Here are a few ideas:
Create a journal or scrap book of memories
Start a tradition that brings family members together
Do an activity that they loved (cooking, listen to their favorite music, decorating etc.)
Do an art project that reminds you of them
Donate to a charity or cause that they cared about
5) Meet with a therapist
Though grief is an expected and natural experience, sometimes the additional support from a therapist is needed. If you are having a hard time functioning and completing daily tasks, are feeling hopeless and not sure if life is worth living, or feel like there is no one you can trust after your loss, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist.
Experience Joy Again
The pain of grief may feel overwhelming and endless. But getting the support you need and following these steps can help you find healing and hope. It is important to recognize the significance of the loss but also be able to live with joy and purpose again. Don’t suffer alone! Call us today if you need support from experienced therapists.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face.
Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child
Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways:
Increases their sense of safety and security
Reduces anxiety and stress
Helps you feel more confident in your parenting
Increases self-esteem
Reduces conflict
Helps kids accept limits and disciple
How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child
Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!
Here are three things that you can start doing today:
Start One-on-One Time
I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship.
Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them.
Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time:
5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing
Read a bedtime story
Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed
Drawing or coloring with your child
Schedule Family Time
Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.
Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better.
Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family:
Family game night
Movie night
Trip to the park
Bike ride/walk
Family Dinner
Pancake breakfast on Saturday
Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family
Increase Labeled Praise
Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well.
To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small.
Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child
Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship.
Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first. And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.
Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.
Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt?
The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.
The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful.
The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation
Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs.
Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI. The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed.
This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after.
Results Help Your Adoption Succeed
After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements.
After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results.
Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support
At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience.
Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:
Crying more easily
Difficulty calming down
Talking back
Blowing up at something small
While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.
Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?
School from home
More time with siblings
Different day care routine
Changes in soccer practice
Not able to see friends from school
Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors.
1. Increase one-on-one time with your child
Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.
If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.
Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule.
2. Prioritize expectations
The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.
Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:
Get ready for school on time
Pay attention to class online
Complete assignments
Brush teeth
Not fighting with sister
Etc.
What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now.
Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.
Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything.
3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out
Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.
Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked. Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV.
Remember that consequences work best if
Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!
The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in.
For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation!
You Got This!
Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.
This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills!
With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again.
Why Do Children Fear Fire?
A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.
Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).
How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?
1. Listen for Specific Fears
The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.
You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.
2. Talk through Big Feelings
Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.
For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.
3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire
Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.
For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire.
Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe. Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.
4. Reduce Exposure to the News
The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.
As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!
Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire
Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.
When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless
Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.
Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)
Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.
Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)
Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:
Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.” Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
Mistake: Sharing too many details. Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
Mistake: Letting news play constantly. Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.
FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children
Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:
What are signs my child is afraid of fire? Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
How can I teach fire safety without scaring them? Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
When should I get professional help? If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.
Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire
For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:
Too often, depression is dismissed as sadness. When this happens, people who are depressed receive trite and unhelpful comments:
“You’re just feeling sad”
“You just need to get out”
“Just look on the bright side”
“Just go exercise”
Depression is different than sadness
Sadness is a common, everyday emotion. We feel sadness when we’re aware of having lost something important to us, from an object to a relationship.
Depression is different than sadness. Depression is usually experienced as an overwhelming cloud of bleakness, where the person has no energy, feels little pleasure, feels hopeless about the future, and also can have feelings of shame and anger about feeling this way.
Why am I depressed?
People are depressed for 2 primary reasons: your genetic set-point and your life circumstances.
Endogenous depression
Endogenous depression is your genetic set-point. This accounts for 50% of the variability in your depression. Because of the way some people process the neurotransmitter serotonin, they are more prone to feel down, isolated, and lower energy.
Exogenous Depression
Exogenous depression is depression that’s related to contextual issues. Rather than endogenous depression that comes from within the person, exogenous depression comes from someone’s lived experience. Some examples are a recent divorce, losing a loved one, or a recent cross country move.
Exogenous depression also has to do with past experiences that can impact a person. Some examples are a neglectful or punishing parent, or repeated trauma like bullying.
Depression is a tug-o-war
Depression is like a tug-o-war. Depression has to do with two parts of us – two internal voices – that can get stuck in conflict. These two parts are sadness and shame.
The “sadness” part of depression usually starts the tug-o-war. Sadness is usually triggered by loss or loneliness. It’s a natural response that makes us want to curl up, cry, slow down. As all emotions are relationship signals, sadness is meant to help others see our loss and respond with compassion. When we feel sad, we’re signaling to others: “I’m not okay, please slow down and comfort me”.
The “shame” part of depression is a voice inside us that feels frustrated, even disgusted, by our being sad. It might say things like, “cut it out” or “stop being weak.” It’s sometimes embarrassed by the sadness, like it somehow knows that being sad doesn’t end well.
These two voices pull hard against the tug-o-war rope, and have difficulty actually regulating – or resolving – the emotion. If the normal course of sadness is like a rollercoaster that goes up, plateaus, then resolves, then the normal course of depression is a sadness that isn’t able to be resolved because of the harsh shame response.
So what do I do?
My first suggestion is to follow along in the video and try the exercise. My hope is that this exercise gives you more understanding and clarity about your own experience of depression.
Too often we’re given easy answers for depression. We’re told to just get up, to watch some motivational puppy video, to just go on a run, or to change our diet. If we listen hard, we can see how these superficial suggestions can sound suspiciously like the internal shame voice we hear too often.
Real change involves understanding ourselves in new ways. Maybe this was new for you to slow down long enough to listen and hear those 2 different voices inside you. If that is the case, give yourself a deep full breath of gratitude.
That awareness is the seed of true change in life. It’s the compassionate response you’ve needed when you’ve had moments of true loss in your life. It’s in these moments of compassionate awareness that we’re able to move a bit out of our depressive experience and into hopefulness again.
Therapy from Home
This is part of our ongoing series during this difficult time, to help you grow in self-awareness and self-care even as you find yourself stuck indoors. So as you go into your day, your evening, whether it’s in the chaos of essential work or in the chaos of home quarantine, know that there’s space for you to grow and to thrive.
Each of our therapists offer video therapy in the state of California, and are here to help.
For couples, quarantine can be anything but relaxing. The image of snuggling by a warm fire and completing crossword puzzles may be a reality for a small minority of couples, but for many of us it can be a pressure cooker.
The risk of COVID-19, fears or realities of economic distress, lack of normal coping patterns (such as other friendships, gym memberships, etc.), and increased time together can all place more strain on your closest relationships.
Getting through an argument together is fundamental to your sense of safety in crisis
Here’s why that’s so important: your closest relationship – your attachment relationship – is the largest resource you have for feeling safe in a chaotic world. When that relationship is off, so is your whole internal world. It’s hard to feel safe, to calm down, to plan, when we feel chaotic or disconnected from our closest and most trusted relationship.
So maybe you’re feeling that strain in your relationship right now, and it’s coming out as more frequent or more difficult arguments. You’re fighting more, things feel more on edge. You find each other unloading more emotion, then distancing and feeling cold.
Let’s walk through an argument in a good way that brings you closer together
Every argument is an opportunity to connect.
Why? Because anger, fear, sadness, these are attachment emotions. Beneath the argument is a hidden question:
“Do I matter?”
“Do you care about me?”
“Can you help me feel safe?”
At the end of a good argument, you’ll feel closer to answering these questions in a good way for each other. You’ll see your partner more clearly and find comfort in each other.
Now how to get there:
1. Follow along with this video
2. Sketch the healthy argument on a piece of paper
3. Talk together about where your argument derailed
4. Rehearse your argument using the healthy argument as a template
Here’s my notes from the video, outlining a healthy argument.
Panic attacks can be scary. People experiencing panic attacks can often mistake it for a heart attack: pain or tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, and racing thoughts.
In this video, I’ll walk you step-by-step through a panic attack.
Set a timer. Panic attacks often last between 15-60 minutes.
Practice box breathing. I’ll walk you through how to breathe when you’re having a panic attack.
Practice mindful sensory exercises. I’ll take you through sensory exercises which help put you back “in your body” and regulate anxiety.
Reflect and learn from your experience. I’ll walk you through how to learn from the panic attack so you are less likely to have a panic attack in the future
Help during social distancing and quarantine
This video is part of a series – Therapy from Home – a resource we hope you use to help you get access to mental health during the quarantine. In this time of isolation and fear, we want to make sure you can get the help you need, even without scheduling an appointment. Please check back in to our COVID-19 resource page for more videos like this to help you address emotional and relational difficulties from your home.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
Rest is seen as lazy, unproductive, and weak. In a culture that prizes 60 hour work weeks as a sign of productivity, we can often see tiredness and overwhelm as obstacles in our path. When we feel tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, we reach for a cup of coffee to pull ourselves back on track.
Yet if not listened to, our need for rest will ring louder and louder.
Our bodies have natural limits, and when we deny them, it sounds an alarm louder and louder. Ignored anxiety can quickly turn to panic. Ignored tiredness can quickly turn into a cold.
So why is it so hard to listen? And how can you get the rest you need?
What Can Prevent Us From Resting
All kinds of things get in the way of us getting the rest we need.
Guilt. Sometimes our minds get ahead of us. We ignore signals to rest because we feel bad about stopping. We’re concerned others will think we’re lazy or not doing enough.
Productivity. American culture values doing over being, working over rest. We often believe we are more productive when we “do” more tasks.
Anxiety. We’re sometimes reluctant to rest because of some fear. Worrying about deadlines or the amount of work before us can keep us from taking a moment to rest.
Pleasure. Sometimes we find our pleasure in being needed, so we keep working. We ignore our body’s signals because the payload of having others depend upon us is greater than the benefits we receive from rest.
You’ve Been Resting Wrong
When we get overwhelmed or feel overworked, our first thought is: “I need a break”. We sigh and push back from the desk, and flip out our phones. The assumed idea is if we simply stop doing what we’re doing we will end up feeling better. The problem is, this half-true assumption leads to some pseudo-restful behaviors that leave us unsatisfied.
Things we do to rest that aren’t really restful:
Watching TV
Checking our phones
Social Media
Eating
Switching tasks
The problem is, these things almost never give us the rest we’re looking for. Yes, they can be a way to pull back from work, but we’re usually left with the same tightness in our chests (anxiety), feel bad for wasting time (guilt), and get back to work (productivity). It’s like we pushed the pause button on our anxiety, only to pick back up right where we left off.
A New Way to Think about ‘Rest’
So why aren’t these things restful? Because the idea that resting means “taking a break” doesn’t hold up neurologically. When we become overwhelmed, anxious, or tired, our bodies aren’t simply telling us “stop doing this task”. So let’s take a look at a term that might better describe what it is we’re wanting when we need rest:
Rest is Passive processing.
Your mind has two different modes of activity. In fact, there is no time at which your brain is simply stagnant or turned off. We are always engaged in some kind of processing, and understanding what those are will help us understand what you’re needing when you want to rest.
Active processing. This is task mode. Your mind is actively engaged in solving or understanding a certain task.
Passive processing. This is reflection mode. In this mode your mind is actively pulling together and making sense of your experiences. You’re reflecting, understanding, and making meaning.
You mind is always in one of these two modes. Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more-so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.
Even when we sleep, our minds are working as hard, if not more so, than when we are awake. We are always either engaged in a task, or reflecting on a task.
The best and most refreshing kind of rest happens when we allow our minds to ease into passive processing. It’s only when we do this that we are fully ready to engage in the task at hand.
Picture a person lifting weights. They do a hard set, then pause to rest. The rest is not simply inaction. There are all kinds of transactions happening within the muscle that help it flush out and repair, getting the muscle ready for the next task. We are designed to experience a natural ebb and flow between task and reflection.
The question then becomes, “How can I rest better?” The better we are at passive processing, the more refreshed and able we are to engage in active processing.
5 Ways to “Passively Process” and Get the Rest You Need
Don’t check your media. This needs to be said first. Often our times of vital passive processing are taken by the impulse to check our phones, Facebook, Instagram, or blogs. This keeps our minds engaged in active processing, and away from the passive processing we need.
Take a breath. Sounds simple, right? Take a step back from what you’re doing, and take 30 seconds to simply breathe. This kind of move is not simply “doing nothing”, it’s allowing your mind to engage in vital passive processing that will help you be ready to reengage later.
Exercise. Aerobic exercise is just as healthy for your mind as it is your body. Being away from a desk or other tasks, you may find your mind is able to wander to what’s important to you, passively making meaning of your recent thoughts and experiences.
Friends. Talk with a friend. Go out to coffee. Let your thoughts wander as you ask about each other’s week and how they are doing. Notice what changes for you. These reflective conversations help us make meaning and consolidate our experience.
Art. Creating art is a great way to intentionally process and make meaning. Adult coloring books seem to tap into our deep need for passive processing. Allow yourself to get lost in the art. Art is less about the final product, and more about the experience of self-expression.
Therapy. You guessed it. Being a psychotherapist, I strongly believe in the role of psychotherapy in helping us experience a present, connected, and whole life. Therapy is often purely a passive process, helping you to pause and reflect upon what is happening in your life. Even as I write this blog, I’m still surprised at how much talking well with another person can change things. I encourage you to give it a try.
In a culture heavy with active processing, we need a little nudge to give us permission to rest – truly rest. Not unlike our lungs or heart, our brains are built to breathe in and out: times we are engaged in a task, and times we simply reflect and consolidate our experience. Don’t sell yourself short – it’s okay to take a breath in.
Close relationships are the center of a happy life. And while each of us wants to feel connected to others, often our words, actions, and non-verbals don’t seem to pull us closer to others. I want to talk about “passive questions” – a kind of interaction that can be tough to deal with in any relationship. Let’s talk about what a passive question is, how we tend to fall prey to passive questions, and how we can understand them differently so we can help restore conflict.
Spotting Passive Questions
A genuine question is something people ask with the desire to know more. Questions are based in curiosity and can feel collaborative and clarifying. A “passive question”, however, is an emotional statement hidden in question form. It’s not really a question. Here are some examples:
“What are you doing over there?”
“Why would you do that?”
“Can’t you see I’m trying?”
“Didn’t you know that would hurt me?”
The list goes on.
Giving in to Passive Questions
The first thing we feel pulled to do, almost compulsively, is to answer the passive question. But there’s something else that happens when we are asked a passive question. We risk engaging in a conversation without acknowledging our emotions. We might fire back with a passive response:
“What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know!”
“Why would you ask me that?”
This conversation can quickly spiral into a heated or cut-off exchange that doesn’t help us move forward.
Emotion that isn’t acknowledged is difficult to work with. We cannot have direct, reparative, and healthy interactions without understanding our emotions in a different way.
Why We Default to Passive Communication in Relationships
It’s easy to assume that when someone uses passive questions, they’re just being difficult or avoiding conflict. But usually, something deeper is going on.
Many of us learned early on that expressing needs directly wasn’t safe — maybe it led to rejection, shame, or being misunderstood. So instead, we learned to hint. To test. To ask sideways.
Passive communication often starts as a survival tool. It helps us feel a sense of control when we fear the truth might be too much — too vulnerable, too risky. It’s less about manipulation and more about fear: “If I say what I really mean, will they still accept me?”
So if you notice yourself asking passive questions, pause before criticizing. Ask yourself:
“What need am I trying to express — but feel unsure I’m allowed to?”
“What old fear is making directness feel unsafe here?”
That’s the heart of the work in avoiding questions psychology relationships and stopping passive in relationships.
Understanding Passive Questions
A passive question is a way of expressing a scary emotion. For some of us, certain emotions were handled poorly in our earliest relationships. We learned that our anxiety, or anger, or sadness would overwhelm our parents or drive them away. The child learns not to talk about these emotions, but to instead push them out of awareness to avoid upsetting or destroying the relationship.
So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express. They ask the question to try to not push you away with their anger, anxiety, or sadness. Instead of naming and feeling their emotion, a passive question places the asker in the back seat of their emotional experience. It also places the receiver in a conflicted place – trying to intuit the emotion of the asker, and also trying to answer the question, not authentically, but in a way to help calm the asker down.
So when you or a loved one asks a passive question, it’s likely he or she is experiencing an emotion that feels unsafe to express.
Examples of Replacing Passive Questions with Direct Expression
Learning to name what we feel takes practice — and courage. Here are some everyday examples of how you might shift a passive question into something more open and honest:
Passive Question
Direct Expression
“Why would you say that?”
“When I heard that, it stung. Can we talk about it?”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“I’m feeling ignored right now. I need your attention.”
“Don’t you think that was a little much?”
“That upset me, and I’d like to share why.”
“How would you feel if I did that?”
“That hurt me, and I want to understand what happened.”
These shifts aren’t just about words. They’re about choosing connection over protection. When we speak this way, we feel seen. Understood. Trusted.
How Should I Handle Passive Questions?
Flag. A healthy response starts with recognizing and understanding the passive question as an expression of an emotional need, rather than a direct attack of your behavior.
Time out. Try slowing the conversation down: “ok, time out” or “I think something just happened there”.
Tell the story. Notice and describe what you saw happen in the interaction and also within you. “I was trying to help you with the plates, and when I reached over you asked me that question. I feel ashamed, like I did something wrong.”
Invite the scary emotion. With your understanding that this could be a scary emotion for the asker to express directly, invite it: “You sound angry” or “I want you to tell me what happened for you”
This is no easy task. It’s hard to change an emotional pattern between two people. It’s easier to not rock the boat. It takes courage, empathy, and self-control. But my sense is, if we never rock the boat, passive expressions and responses continue to cause difficulty and disconnection in relationship.
Following the steps above might be just what your relationship needs in order to start having a different, more direct, conversation.
I want to help you move in this direction. Let’s set up an initial free consultation so we can talk about how passive questions impact your relationships and how you’d like to change.
Why This Matters for Long-Term Relationship Health
Communication isn’t just about getting through hard conversations. It’s about building a foundation of emotional safety — a space where both people can bring their whole selves.
When passive questions dominate a relationship, resentment quietly builds. Misunderstandings stack up. The connection starts to feel brittle, like walking on eggshells. But when we practice being clear and kind at the same time, something changes. We feel seen. Understood. Trusted.
Direct communication doesn’t guarantee conflict-free relationships — but it does create the soil for something lasting. Something honest.
And that’s the kind of relationship we all want — one where we don’t have to hide behind half-asked questions just to feel okay.
Passive questions are emotional statements disguised as inquiries, like “Why would you do that?” to express frustration indirectly; they avoid direct confrontation but build resentment by hiding true feelings.
How to stop asking passive questions in a relationship?
Recognize passive questions as hidden emotions and replace them with direct expressions like “That upset me—can we talk?”; practice pausing to name your feelings for honest, connecting dialogue.
How to respond to passive aggressive questions?
Flag the passive question as an emotional cue and slow the conversation with “Time out—what just happened?”; invite the underlying feeling openly to shift from defense to understanding.
Why do people use passive questions?
People use passive questions due to learned fears from early relationships where direct emotions felt unsafe, leading to indirect hints for control; it stems from vulnerability avoidance rather than manipulation.
What are examples of passive aggressive questions?
Examples include “Why would you say that?” (hiding hurt) or “Are you even listening?” (expressing ignored feelings); they mask vulnerability, sparking spirals instead of resolution.
How to stop being passive aggressive in communication?
Shift from passive aggression by owning emotions directly, like “I’m feeling ignored” instead of hints; reflect on fears of rejection to build courage for authentic exchanges.
What causes passive questions in relationships?
Passive questions arise from early experiences where expressing needs led to shame or rejection, creating survival habits; they provide illusory control but erode trust over time.
How does passive communication affect relationships?
Passive communication builds unspoken resentment and misunderstandings, leading to heated conflicts or emotional distance; it hinders genuine connection by avoiding vulnerable, direct sharing.
Signs of passive aggressive behavior in relationships?
Signs include indirect hints like sarcastic questions, quick shutdowns without explanation, or evading accountability; these foster cycles of frustration and weaken relational bonds.
