self-compassion

Whoever first realized, “I am my own worst critic” brilliantly described a painful and all too-common way many people relate to themselves. Self-criticism involves harsh or negative views and judgements of one’s self. This pattern of self-criticism is especially overwhelming because the critic is not someone “out there” that can be escaped, but emerges from within someone’s core beliefs and self-concept. Those who suffer from self-criticism feel as if a harsh judge follows right behind them, waiting to criticize any mistake or misstep, no matter how small ¹. 

Self-criticism can be hard to identify, especially for people caught in relating to themselves harshly. Here are several examples of what self-critical thoughts sounds like and possible feelings tied to them:

• I always make mistakes and I’ll never do better (Feelings: despair, fear)
• I’m selfish and deserve to be treated badly for it (Feelings: shame, loneliness)
• I’ll never be as good as her (Feelings: envy, embarrassment)

While self-criticism is a common and painful experience, it is not the most central truth of any person’s life. Beneath the self-criticism, and whatever pain made it necessary, is a living person that desires to heal. Through cultivating new ways of relating to themselves, people can experience self-compassion and understanding. In this article I explore self-criticism, how it contributes to suffering in our lives, why we adopted this relational pattern, and practices for healing harsh judgement with self-compassion. 

Self-Criticism or Healthy Standards?

Through my experiences helping people heal from self-criticism, it’s important to distinguish between holding healthy standards and punishing self-criticism. Below I share common ways people describe healthy standards as well as possible feelings that come along with relating to yourself with a healthy vision of who you want to be. 

Healthy Standards: Hope for the Future

• I made a mistake but I genuinely want to learn from it and grow (Feelings: hope, strength, resolve)
• I acted selfishly so I want to repair the relationship (Feelings: healthy guilt, compassion for others)
• My colleague is so skilled, I want to keep growing too (Feelings: excitement, passion)

Healthy standards give us a vision of the person we want to become. These standards can be internalized from our religious and ethical values, our families, and the people we respect. High standards allowed us to see ourselves as someone on the way, neither perfect nor worthless, but capable of growth and worthy of respect. 

Self-Criticism: Trapped and Powerless

Quite differently, self-criticism creates a completely fixed sense of who we are. It is as if a judge has passed a life-sentence upon us. This harsh judgement communicates that we are bad, unworthy, and powerless to change. One of the easiest ways to determine whether you are holding high standards or self-criticism is to ask yourself: Do I feel hopeful about who I am becoming and my future? Or do I feel powerless and trapped in imperfections?

Being Your Own Worst Critic Leads to Suffering

When self-criticism plays a powerful role in how you understand yourself and navigate through life, it also places you at increased risk for adverse mental health outcomes.

Depression

Unrealistic and harsh judgement are frequently related to low mood, strong negative emotions, and even depression. Punishing self-criticism contributes significant stress to someone and places them at-risk of developing depression. For people actively experiencing depression, the common feelings of worthlessness and inordinate guilt can be sustained or worsened by self-judgement. 

Generalized and Social Anxiety

Anticipating that you will make mistakes and fail can contribute to anxiety disorders, which are characterized by overwhelming worry, restlessness, and fear. Many self-critical people report especially difficult anxiety brought on by social interactions. This is completely understandable since the self-critical person believes that the way they view themselves must be how others also see them. 

Control and Escape

Harsh self-criticism causes people to suffer in profound ways. Anyone caught in these patterns of self-judgement and rejection will understandably look for ways to control and soothe their pain. However, the person suffering from self-criticism often feels cut off from the compassion of others and even their own self-compassion.

This is where highly self-critical people, seeking some relief, may fall into stressful fixations. Seeking some order and relief from the punishing judge, self-critical people may over-control what they can. Unfortunately, their lives can easily become overwhelmed by concerns about:

• The food they eat
• What people think about them
• The grades they receive
• Their performance at work

Others who feel attacked by the self-critical voice may try to numb or distract themselves from harsh judgement through: 

• Using alcohol and other substances
• Seeking constant stimulation and interaction
• Spending excessive time online

Despite these understandable attempts to find relief, the judge eventually re-emerges. Self-critical people then experience even more of this harsh judgement for dissatisfying attempts at self-soothing. 

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

People who suffer from self-criticism frequently share the deep desire to be free of their harsh judge and are puzzled by the ways they feel trapped by it. Oftentimes, someone suffering from self-criticism may not realize that the judge exists because it once helped us to survive and navigate the challenges of life. Below I explain common purposes that self-criticism plays in the lives of people.

Protecting Loved Ones By Taking the Blame

Growing up means building relationships with imperfect parents and caregivers. Even the best parents fail to connect with their children in every situation. Through early childhood experiences, you may have received the message that your parents or caregivers could not tolerate the inevitable challenges of being family. 

In these cases, you may have learned that by taking on all the blame (“It was my fault mom, I’m sorry I was so bad”) you protected your loved one and your relationship. For people who experienced harm from parents and caregivers through abuse or neglect, self-criticism and blame may be even more extreme.

Fitting In and Meeting Expectations

Our lives are also shaped by cultural and social expectations. We want to be “good” people, however that goodness is understood by our families, traditions, and cultures. Relationships with others in our lives also come with expectations. We want to please teachers and coaches, bosses and colleagues, friends and romantic partners. Over time we may embrace self-criticism as a way of meeting standards and maintaining these relationships. 

Controlling Uncontrollable Situations 

Each of our lives is touched by suffering and adversity, albeit in very different ways. At times, experiences feel uncontrollable and go beyond our ability to make sense of them. Trauma occurs when we experience something so stressful that it overwhelms our ability to describe it with words, contain it with feelings, and process it in our body.

Self-criticism is one way to maintain some sense of control amid stress and trauma. A harsh self-criticism (“It was all my fault that terrible event happened”) provides some sense of control and may feel less overwhelming than the truth (“No one could have stopped what happened, it was simply uncontrollable”).

Self-Criticism Came From Somewhere, It’s Time to Heal It

Like any psychological challenge or unhealthy pattern, self-criticism represents a way we learned to navigate the world. In many cases, it was once a brilliant and sadly necessary way to get through life. Healing from self-criticism means understanding the role you once needed it to play. With that recognition also comes the truth that there are other ways to relate to yourself, your relationships, and the challenges of life that do not harshly judge you. Self-compassion is one way forward.

Self-Compassion Heals Self-Criticism

While self-criticism may have been a key way of navigating the world, there are ways to begin healing your internal judge. Even patterns first established in early-childhood can be transformed. Below are three reflection exercises to help you grow in self-compassion today. 

Take a Long-Term Perspective

Growth and change take time. While the self-critic points out that you haven’t reached every one of your goals, self-compassion invites you to take a long-term view of your life and recognize the progress you have made. How have you already grown, changed, or healed? Can you take time to feel the emotions that rise in you as you consider your victories, successes, and perseverance? You may not be where you ultimately hope to be yet, but how far have you come already? 

Speak to Yourself Compassionately

Who has shown you love and acceptance in your life? Can you imagine that person looking you in the eyes and telling you some truth about who you are? If you don’t go immediately to the self-critic and judge, what does this loving relationship say about you? Linger in the feelings and images that emerge as you remain with this loved one and take in their words to you. 

Imagine Your Younger Self

As an adult, can you now tell your younger self what they needed to hear and know–that the hurt was not all their fault, that they were just a kid, that they are strong and will get through the adversity to keep living? While self-criticism keeps people frozen in time, self-compassion allows us to reach into the past and imagine the future from this present moment of compassion and strength. If this exercise brings on feelings that are too overwhelming or difficult, that is ok. The journey of self-compassion takes time and is not meant to be taken alone. 

Therapy for Self-Criticism 

Whether you have worked on self-criticism for years or are just beginning to recognize this pattern in your life, therapy is a powerful relationship to heal the judge and learn self-compassion. In my work with people from many life seasons and experiences, I have learned that the common factor for healing self-criticism is a compassionate and wise relationship. 

If you experience self-criticism and judgement as simply “who you are” a therapist can partner with you to disentangle this pattern from the reality of who you are. Others have gained tremendous insight about their self-criticism, but still don’t feel any differently. A therapist can provide insight into how your thoughts, feelings, and body can experience real healing and relief from judgement. You don’t need to face self-criticism alone. It is time to confront the pattern of harsh self-criticism and cultivate self-compassion in your life, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

FAQ: Healing Self-Criticism

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism involves harsh, negative self-judgments that create an internal critic, such as thoughts like “I always make mistakes” leading to feelings of despair or fear. It’s often internalized and can feel constant.

How does self-criticism differ from healthy standards?

Healthy standards are growth-oriented and inspire hope, while self-criticism feels fixed and powerless, focusing on flaws without room for improvement.

What are the effects of self-criticism on mental health?

Self-criticism can contribute to depression (low mood, worthlessness), anxiety (worry, fear of failure), and maladaptive coping like over-control, substance use, or escapism.

Where does self-criticism come from?

It often originates as a survival strategy, such as taking blame to protect relationships, meeting societal expectations, or attempting to control trauma and uncontrollable situations.

How can I heal self-criticism?

Healing involves cultivating self-compassion through reflection exercises and therapy, transforming judgmental thoughts into kinder, more supportive self-talk.

What is self-compassion and how does it help with self-criticism?

Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness during struggles. It heals self-criticism by reducing suffering, fostering growth, and disentangling criticism from your identity.

What exercises can help practice self-compassion?

Try these: Reflect on long-term growth perspectives, imagine compassionate words from loved ones directed at yourself, or comfort your younger self in a visualization.

When should I seek therapy for self-criticism?

Seek therapy if self-criticism feels overwhelming, deeply ingrained, impacts daily life or mental health, or if self-help exercises aren’t enough for lasting change.

¹ I am indebted to the work of Allan Abbas, MD for this image of the cruel judge and how it functions in the metapsychology of people.