Connor McClenahan Archives

Terrible Sleep Habits? How Executives Can Stop Destructive Late Nights and Actually Rest

You’re exhausted, but when bedtime rolls around, they just can’t let go. Instead of drifting off, you linger in the wee hours, scrolling through your phones or binge-watching shows that don’t even hold your interest. It’s not that you don’t know better—you do. You feel the pull to sleep, to recharge for the demanding day ahead.

You’re looking for a sliver of time that’s just yours, free from emails, meetings, or family obligations.

Poor sleep hygiene for executives often stems from that craving for autonomy. It’s like they’re carving out a secret space to breathe, to feel like themselves again—the version that’s not always adapting to everyone else’s needs or expectations.

Yet, the moment they start to enjoy time away from work, guilt creeps in. “I should be sleeping,” they think. “This is a waste of time.” And so begins the internal battle, leaving them stuck in a hazy middle ground where they get neither sleep nor real enjoyment.

High-Achievers Often Sleep Terribly

You push through long days, making decisions that affect teams or entire companies, all while juggling personal responsibilities. By evening, you’re wiped out, but that quiet time after everyone else has gone to bed feels like the only chance to unwind without interruption. Maybe you tell yourself it’s just a quick check of social media or one more episode, but hours slip away.

The problem isn’t the activities themselves; it’s that they’re not truly fulfilling. You’re not laughing with friends, pursuing a hobby that lights you up, or even just daydreaming freely. Instead, it’s this numb scrolling, half-hearted and laced with self-reproach. You end up feeling more drained, frustrated with yourself for “wasting” time, and then the cycle repeats the next night.

Sleep suffers, energy dips, and that sharp edge you need for your professional life starts to dull. Over time, this constant push-pull can leave you feeling fragmented, like parts of yourself are unraveling under the strain of always putting duty first:

Poor Sleep Hygiene is Costing You a Lot

Symptom	Statistic	Reference
Diminished Focus and Decision-Making	After five consecutive nights of partial sleep deprivation, participants showed reduced data gathering before making decisions and increased risk propensity.	Effects of Total and Partial Sleep Deprivation on Reflection … – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7261660/
Lowered Creativity and Innovation	Declines in sleep are associated with lower individual creativity and productivity, significantly impacting the elaboration process in innovation.	Workforce sleep and corporate innovation – ScienceDirect.com – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0048733325000204
Increased Irritability and Mood Swings	Poorer sleep quality is directly associated with increased irritability (β = 0.25, p < .001).	Associations between sleep quality and irritability – PubMed Central – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10978035/
Heightened Risk of Burnout	At least 79% of UK employees experience burnout, with around 35% reporting extreme or high levels due to factors including lack of breaks.	64 workplace burnout statistics you need to know for 2024 – Spill – https://www.spill.chat/mental-health-statistics/workplace-burnout-statistics
Strained Relationships	Poor sleep leads to increased feelings of anger, which in turn negatively impacts perceptions of romantic partnerships.	New psychology study uncovers the romantic consequences of poor … – https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-study-uncovers-the-romantic-consequences-of-poor-sleep-quality/
Physical Health Decline	Insufficient sleep leads to increased incidences of cardiovascular morbidity and chances of diabetes mellitus, with about 1 in 3 US adults reporting not getting enough rest.	What Are Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?
Reduced Productivity and Performance	Fatigue from poor sleep costs US companies around $136.4 billion annually in productivity losses.	The Link Between Sleep and Job Performance – Sleep Foundation – https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/good-sleep-and-job-performance
Elevated Anxiety and Depression	Participants averaging 6 hours or less of sleep per night are about 2.5 times more likely to have frequent mental distress, including anxiety and depression symptoms.	Effect of Inadequate Sleep on Frequent Mental Distress – CDC – https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2021/20_0573.htm
Hindered Career Progression	Nearly 25% of US adults suffer from insomnia, often experiencing excessive sleepiness that impacts work performance and career opportunities.	When Insomnia Threatens Your Career: Finding Balance Between … – https://wesper.co/blogs/wesper-journal/when-insomnia-threatens-your-career-finding-balance-between-sleep-and-work
Compromised Overall Well-Being	Lack of sleep is compromising the mental health of 78% of adults, contributing to reduced overall well-being.	Lack Of Sleep Is Compromising The Mental Health Of 78% Of Adults – https://neurowellnesstms.com/lack-of-sleep-is-compromising-the-mental-health-of-78-of-adults/

Poor Sleep Hygiene Is the Result of Unmet Needs

What if we flipped the script and saw this late-night resistance not as a flaw, but as a signal from your innermost self? Deep down, you’re craving freedom. You want a moment to simply exist without the constant adjustments to please or perform for others. It’s a chance for your creative, spontaneous side to emerge uninterrupted.

This is called your “creative self” and it’s as essential to your brain as food is to your body. This is the impulse you feel, especially after a demanding week, to indulge yourself, to play, to do something that’s not for anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s wanting to create, explore, connect, or simply enjoy.

The “creative self” passively repairs your mind

Accessing the Creative Self is the way we flush out the content of the day, daydream, and often, we passively find solutions to hard problems. It’s a mode that restores our energy, and is essential for high level creativity and problem solving. It’s what some people call “active rest”, and neglecting it has detrimental consequences for your body and mind.

Connecting with this aspect of yourself is like coming up for air in competitive swimming. That breath might feel like it costs you speed in the moment. But skip it too often, and your form starts to falter. Your strokes weaken. Eventually, you’re gasping and collapsing from lack of oxygen.

Or think of an F1 driver eyeing a pit stop. To a rookie, it seems like a frustrating delay that slows the race. But a seasoned pro knows refusing to change those worn tires will lead to blowouts, spins, or worse. It could derail the whole lap.

Similarly, a marathon runner can’t skip hydration breaks thinking they’ll save time. Dehydration leads to cramps and slowdowns. It could mean dropping out of the race altogether.

In the same way, you might not realize just how much denying yourself that exhale—to play, to reward yourself freely—is costing you. It clouds your focus at work. It strains your relationships. That unmet need to create and enjoy doesn’t vanish. It builds up, and if not listened to, can create larger problems down the road like angry blow ups, burnout, avoidance of important problems, relationship stress and chronic pain.

Honor Needs Openly for Balance

Imagine honoring that need openly, without the sneakiness or shame. Picture building it right into your week—like scheduling an evening walk where your mind can wander, or dedicating time to a creative pursuit that brings a genuine smile.

Treat it as non-negotiable, just like a key meeting or a workout. As Winnecott, a British psychologist, once observed, “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.”

The Emotional Habit that’s Impacting Your Sleep

This pattern is a step-by-step emotional process where your drive to be always productive collides with a quieter, more authentic urge for down time, leading to an exhausting back-and-forth that gives you neither. This often traces back to early habits of always putting others first, shaping a pattern where your own needs feel secondary.

Here’s what’s unfolding inside:

Constant Demands Build Up: Your day starts with a whirlwind of responsibilities—leading teams, solving problems, supporting family—where you’re always tuning yourself to fit what others need. It’s like wearing a mask of efficiency and reliability, but over time, this nonstop accommodation leaves little room for your own unfiltered thoughts or whims. By nightfall, you’re craving a break from this role, a space where you don’t have to adjust or perform.
Personal Space Rebellion Emerges: As the house quiets down, that suppressed part of you stirs—a need for autonomy, for time that’s purely yours to let your mind drift or explore without agenda. It’s not laziness; it’s your creative self pushing back, seeking a moment of uninterrupted being where you can feel whole and alive, not fragmented by constant demands.
Self-Doubt and Fragmentation Intrude: Just as you start to relax into it, the critical voice kicks in: “You should be productive or sleeping—this is selfish.” This clash creates an inner fracture, where guilt amplifies the tension, turning what could be restorative into something anxious and draining. You feel scattered, like pieces of yourself are pulling in opposite directions, leading to that numb, unproductive limbo.
Grey Zone Stalemate Persists: Stuck in the middle, you default to safe but empty habits like doom-scrolling, which mimic freedom without delivering real joy or rest. The tug-of-war drags on, eroding your energy and leaving you frustrated, as neither side “wins”—you don’t get the sleep you need, nor the genuine recharge your inner self is begging for.
Guilt wins: You finally tell yourself you’ve really messed up, and that you need to be better about getting to bed at a good time. You chastise yourself, and head off to bed dreading how tired you’ll be tomorrow, wishing you hadn’t been so selfish… only to start at #1 again in the morning.

Guilt Blocks Progress, Not Your Need for Down Time

The biggest hurdle to your sleep?

It’s NOT your need for down time.

This is where we need to get it right. Your need to relax and recoup, to access your creative self, is not the problem. The problem is that you’re not respecting your valid need for a break to yourself, and when you do, it’s crowded out by guilt.

That nagging guilt. It whispers that taking time for yourself is indulgent, that real leaders push through without “frivolous” breaks. Maybe it stems from early lessons about hard work equaling worth, or from seeing colleagues who seem to never slow down. Whatever the root, it keeps you locked in the tug-of-war, afraid that embracing your need to just be means dropping the ball elsewhere. But here’s the truth: ignoring that need doesn’t make it go away; it just manifests in ways that harm you more, like poor sleep, burnout, and that sense of inner unraveling.

Guilt is that root problem. If you didn’t have guilt, you might plan a reasonable time to enjoy yourself. Even a half hour doing something you truly enjoy *without guilt* is rewarding. But waffling back and forth all night leaves you both unsatisfied and more exhausted.

Guilty Self-Talk vs. Healthy Alternatives

Guilty Phrase	Healthy Alternative
“I should be sleeping instead of this.”	“I deserve this moment to unwind and recharge.”
“This time is such a waste— I need to be more disciplined.”	“Taking time for myself now will make me sharper tomorrow.”
“Why do I always sabotage myself like this?”	“It’s okay to honor my need for autonomy.”
“Real professionals don’t need personal time; they just power through.”	“Play and rest are essential for my long-term success.”

Depth Therapy Offers Support

Therapy offers a gentle path forward. In these conversations, you explore the origins of that inner conflict in a safe, supportive space—no judgments, just curiosity. It’s about uncovering why you’ve learned to prioritize accommodation over your own creative flow. It’s also about rediscovering the freedom to exist without constant interruption or self-reproach.

You’ll learn to quiet the critical voice and build a stronger sense of permission, allowing your true self to surface without the anxiety of fragmentation. Many find that as they delve deeper, sleep improves naturally, energy returns, and life feels less like a constant pull and more like a harmonious flow. Reaching out to a therapist could be the kindest step you take for yourself.

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FAQ

What causes poor sleep hygiene for busy professionals?

For busy professionals who struggles to sleep at the end of the day, poor hygiene is often a conflict between daily demands and the need for personal autonomy, leading to guilt and unproductive habits that disrupt sleep.

How can professionals incorporate downtime without guilt?

Start by scheduling short, intentional breaks for enjoyable activities earlier in the evening, treating them as essential for overall well-being and performance.

When should someone consider psychotherapy for sleep issues?

Consider psychotherapy if guilt around self-care feels persistent and impacts sleep, work, or relationships, as it helps explore and resolve underlying conflicts.

What are quick ways to improve sleep hygiene?

Establish a consistent bedtime routine, limit screen time before bed, and create a calm sleep environment free from distractions.

How does poor sleep affect professional performance?

It can lead to reduced focus, decision-making errors, and increased stress, ultimately impacting productivity and relationships.

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Neurology, Parenting, Podcast

Attachment Styles: How to Heal the Hidden Lens Shaping Your Relationships

Written by Connor McClenahan

Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.

In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.

At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.

Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.

Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.

Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness

Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment

Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.

Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma

Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.

How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships

Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:

Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.

It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.

2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability

Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.

3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships

Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.

4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling

Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.

5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself

Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.

The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Managing emotions, Neurology, Podcast

[VIDEO] Motivation 101: How to Rewire Your Brain to Get Things Done

Written by Connor McClenahan

Have you ever found yourself staring at a to-do list, feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to start even the simplest task? Maybe your house is a mess, your inbox is overflowing, or that big project is looming like a dark cloud. You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with motivation, especially when life feels like a high-wire act with no safety net.

But what if I told you that understanding your brain’s natural mechanisms could help you regain your drive and accomplish your goals? In this podcast episode, we dive into the psychology of motivation, why we lose it, and how to get it back—without beating yourself up in the process.

The Overwhelm Trap: Why Motivation Slips Away

Picture this: You’re trying to walk a high wire, 200 feet in the air, with no safety net below. Every step feels like a life-or-death decision, and the fear of falling keeps you frozen in place. This is what happens in your brain when you’re overwhelmed. Your limbic system—the emotional center responsible for sensing safety and danger—gets flooded with too many signals. Deadlines, chores, expectations—they all pile up, screaming “threat!” until you shut down.

This overwhelm often triggers a depressive spiral. You know something needs to get done—a report, the laundry, calling a friend—but instead of acting, you feel a heavy weight settle in. Sadness creeps up, followed by a sense of “I can’t do this.” In that moment, what you really need is comfort, rest, or a helping hand. But too often, what you get instead is your inner critic swooping in: “Why can’t you just get it together? You’re so lazy!”

I’ve been there. I once had a huge presentation due, and instead of starting, I berated myself for procrastinating. The harsher I got, the less I accomplished—until I was a ball of exhaustion and guilt. Sound familiar? That self-critical voice might feel like a tough coach pushing you forward, but it’s actually sinking you deeper into the spiral. The sad, overwhelmed feelings almost always win, leaving you stuck.

How Your Brain Wants to Motivate You

Here’s the good news: Your brain is built to motivate itself—it’s just that overwhelm and self-criticism throw a wrench in the works. Three key areas team up to get you moving:

Limbic System: This is your safety detector. When it’s calm, you feel secure enough to act. When it’s flooded with “danger” signals, you freeze—like you’re stuck on that high wire.
Prefrontal Cortex: Think of this as your inner planner. It breaks big goals into bite-sized steps and keeps you on track, like a coach mapping out a marathon training schedule.
Ventral Striatum: This is your reward center, and it thrives on social connection and meaning. It’s the cheering crowd at the finish line, the pride of sharing your win with someone, or the feeling of becoming the person you admire.

When these parts work together, motivation flows naturally. The problem? Modern life floods the limbic system, drowns out the prefrontal cortex, and leaves the ventral striatum starved for meaningful rewards. But you can flip the script with a few smart strategies.

Three Steps to Reignite Your Drive

Ready to get unstuck? Here’s how to tap into your brain’s natural motivation system:

1. Create Safety First

If your limbic system thinks you’re on a high wire, it’s going to keep you paralyzed. Bring it back to solid ground with these simple tricks:

Gratitude: Jot down three things you’re thankful for—it could be coffee, a sunny day, or a kind text.
Comfort: Give yourself a hug (seriously, it works!) or call a friend to vent about your day.

These acts dial down the overwhelm, signaling to your brain that it’s safe to move forward.

2. Break It Down—Way Down

Your prefrontal cortex loves a clear plan. Big tasks like “clean the house” or “finish the project” can feel like unclimbable mountains. Instead, shrink them into tiny, doable steps:

Instead of “write the report,” start with “open the document.”
Instead of “organize the closet,” begin with “pull out one shelf.”

Focus on just the next step. Once you check it off, the momentum builds—and suddenly, that mountain looks more like a hill.

3. Make Rewards Social and Meaningful

Your ventral striatum doesn’t care about another cup of coffee or a Netflix binge. It lights up for rewards that connect you to others or your values:

Social: Who can you share your win with? Plan to text a friend, “I did it!” or celebrate with a loved one.
Meaningful: Link the task to who you want to be. Maybe finishing that report means you’re responsible like your role model, or helping a teammate aligns with your desire to be kind.

For example, when I finally tackled that presentation, I told myself, “This is me being the reliable person my dad always was.” Plus, I called my best friend to brag when it was done. Those rewards pulled me through.

The Real Motivation Killer: Self-Criticism

Here’s the catch: None of this works if your inner critic is running the show. That voice saying, “You’re not good enough,” or “Why can’t you keep up?” isn’t motivating—it’s paralyzing. Often, it’s a leftover habit from childhood, when you needed help but got sighs or eye rolls instead. Over time, you learned to turn that criticism inward.

Next time it pipes up, pause. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who’s struggling?” Chances are, you’d be gentle: “It’s okay, you’ve got a lot on your plate. Let’s figure this out together.” Offer yourself that same grace. If the self-criticism feels like a brick wall, therapy can help you explore where it came from and set it aside—so you can focus on who you want to become.

You’ve Got This—And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Lack of motivation isn’t about laziness or a lack of discipline. It’s your brain crying out for safety, clarity, and purpose amid the chaos. By calming your limbic system, leaning on your prefrontal cortex, and feeding your ventral striatum with rewards that matter, you can break the overwhelm spiral and get moving again.

So, next time you’re staring down that to-do list, try this: Take a deep breath, list three things you’re grateful for, pick one tiny step to start with, and decide who you’ll tell when it’s done. You might be surprised how far it takes you. And if you’re still stuck? Reach out—to a friend, a loved one, or a professional. Motivation isn’t a solo sport, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Anxiety

Deep breathing isn’t helping? How to finally stop recurring anxiety

Written by Connor McClenahan

Deep breathing isn’t helping your anxiety

For many, anxiety is a recurring theme, showing up every day like an overstayed house guest. You try everything to avoid the Groundhog’s Day recurrence, only it doesn’t stop. For many, the anxiety shows up unwelcomed and unforeseen through a pain in your chest, tightness, migraines, fast heartbeat, or antsy behaviors like fidgeting, pacing, angry outbursts, sleeplessness… or all of the above. Anxiety can show up:

First thing in the morning
On the drive to work
When logging off work
Going to bed

It can impact your relationships, your productivity, and keep you in a heightened state of discomfort.

A common way many people cope is to try to calm themselves. They try everything:

Change their diet
Change their sleep patterns
exercise more
track their sleep
track their steps
track their heart rate
take deep breaths, or
distract themselves.

It’s incredibly frustrating when your efforts only keep the anxiety at bay for a moment before it reemerges, like a firefighter who puts out a fire, only for the house to burst into flames the moment you roll up the hose.

Deep breathing isn’t helping.

Deep breathing doesn’t stop your anxiety from resurfacing

There’s a reason your anxiety keeps reemerging. The more you tamp down your anxiety, the worse it will become. It will get louder and louder. The emotional energy pushing your heart rate up, messing up your sleep, causing you to pace is much stronger and more resilient than any breathwork you can do. For many, the anxiety peaks into a panic attack, IBS issues, back pain, addiction, or relationship problems.

“Why is this? Why doesn’t the deep breathing or sleep tracking work?” People often ask. “I must not be diligent enough. I’ll double down on my tracking and be more strict about meditation.”

I see this cycle all the time in my practice. Clients treat their anxiety like a tumor they must remove, or an invasive ivy they must uproot before it takes over. It’s an aggressive metaphor in which we battle against anxiety to try to achieve peace.

Using a battle metaphor profoundly shapes the way we see the problem. In this metaphor, anxiety acts as a villain we need to defeat.

There’s a historical reason some people use a battle metaphor to understand their anxiety.

Early experiences impact your perspective on anxiety

This isn’t your first time handling anxiety, not by a long shot.

Your first time handling anxiety was when you were a baby. You’d cry, you’d get scared, and you learned a certain way to manage yourself in tandem with your caregivers. For some, they learned an aggressive way to handle anxiety – called avoidant attachment.

These children learned that when in distress, it was their crying that was the main problem to be fixed. “Stop crying or else something bad will happen” was the message reverberating in their minds. Instead of focusing on solving the larger reason for their tears, their parents focused on turning off the tears.

This strategy teaches a child that their cries aren’t actually useful for solving a problem. They learn to see their cries as unhelpful and disgusting to others, not as signals that something is needing attention.

The kid with a splinter who cries out and is dismissed may end up with an infected toe.
The boy who bites their lip to keep from crying when they’ve been rejected at school may fail to elicit their parent’s support to make new friends.
The young adult who learns to silence their own cries after being unfairly treated by a partner will lock themselves into a hellish relationship.
The adult who silences their anxiety may be completely unaware of the ways their life is needing care and mending.

Instead of deep breathing, reframe your perspective on anxiety

Anxiety is not the villain. It’s actually the signal that will point you toward healing.

I’m aware how that sounds: woo-woo, therapy speak, lofty. But consider it with me for a minute. The reason tamping down a fire alarm doesn’t work is because when there’s smoke, the fire alarm will sound – it’s doing its job to point you toward the fire.

Anxiety is a signal. It’s fear. It’s telling you you’re feeling unsafe where you are. If we even make this small shift, what starts to come into focus? Why might you feel unsafe? What might feel threatened or fragile or lost in your life?

Take a moment to think on these questions.

Sometimes the answer is immediately apparent: a current relationship, or work stress, or direct worries about finances or job stability. Other times the worry is less apparent: There’s a sense of instability, but you can’t pin it on your current situation. Our minds are incredibly intuitive. Most of the time, our fear response precedes our rational mind. Anniversaries of difficult moments, reaching the age our parents were when a major crisis hit, our own kids reminding us of past trauma, our friends’ situations reminding us of our own pain that needs attention.

Instead of deep breathing, cultivate curiosity about where your anxiety is leading you

Curiosity is the right stance. You want to be in an open, curious stance toward your anxiety, as this will lead you toward security and healing.

In fact, you want more than to constantly combat and suppress your anxiety. You want more than constant vigilance about your anxiety. Not only does it not work – it’s overwhelming and frustrating. What you really want is security. Here’s what that looks like:

Secure People Identify Their Pain

Secure people are adept at recognizing when something isn’t right. They don’t see pain as an enemy but as information. They notice the signs of anxiety not as failures but as prompts to dive deeper into what might be causing distress.

Secure People Soothe Themselves

Instead of suppressing their feelings, secure individuals learn self-soothing techniques. This process is something natural to our nervous system. Secure people develop a calming internal presence that reassures them of their value and their safety.

Secure People Ask for Help

Understanding that no one can manage everything alone, secure people reach out for support when needed. This could mean talking to friends, consulting with therapists, or joining support groups where they can share and learn from others’ experiences. On a more immediate level, they express what they feel and get support then needed.

Secure People Create a Plan

Once they understand their anxiety, secure individuals take proactive steps. They don’t just name their feelings and move on. Instead, they listen to their anxiety as feedback about things that might need to change, they set expectations in relationships and work, they plan breaks and self-care activities, and they confront conflicts directly to get resolution. All in all, they listen to their feelings to help them discern a plan for enhancing overall life satisfaction.

Secure People Help Others

Finally, secure people often extend their understanding and skills to help others. By sharing what they’ve learned, they contribute to a community of support, teaching others how to navigate their own anxieties. This not only helps others but reinforces their own sense of security and belonging.

Anxiety will lead you toward health

Instead of treating anxiety like it’s some intruder to be expelled, and suppressing it with deep breathing, let’s consider it more like that annoying alarm clock that never seems to let you snooze. It’s irritating, yes, but it’s also trying to wake you up to something important. It’s time we stop fighting the signal and start listening to what it’s got to say.

So, when anxiety next comes knocking, don’t immediately reach for the bolt. Maybe sit with it for a bit, hear it out. You might just discover that what you thought was an enemy is actually your mind’s way of telling you where you need to look next for healing.

I help people with anxiety with psychoanalytic psychotherapy

Learn about therapy with Connor

IBS and anxiety create a firestorm that needs to be calmed down, soothed

Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

IBS and Anxiety: How to soothe your gut using your mind

Written by herecounseling

IBS and anxiety can negatively impact some of the most meaningful and connecting moments in life. It can turn a casual get-together or date sour. People who experience IBS can constantly worry about having another attack. Agoraphobia is common too – the fear of leaving home. It’s understandable why people who experience IBS issues experience heightened anxiety around everyday situations.

People with IBS can sometimes feel powerless, like the best they can do is avoid food triggers.

Yet one of the main causes of the inflammation of the gut is your brain.

We’re going to look at the link between anxiety and the gut so you can understand your body better. You’ll learn how anxiety impacts your gut and how to listen to your gut’s activity as a signal. My hope is that by learning to pay attention to yourself in a new way, you’ll be able to not only avoid difficult IBS symptoms, but to learn how to soothe anxiety and feel more like yourself.

The gut is connected to the brain? How? Why??

First of all, all parts of the body have a bi-directional connection with the brain. In fact, the purpose of the brain is to receive input from the entire body, make sense of it contextually, then relay a response that changes the body. The reason the gut-brain connection often needs special explanation is because it’s hard for us to think of the gut as a part of the body that would need connection with the brain. Isn’t the purpose of the gut kind of passive? Don’t we just digest food there? Why would it need to be connected with the brain?

There are 2 reasons worth exploring.

First, what we eat tells us a lot about our environment.

When we’re full, for example, it’s a signal that our bodies are safe, we have what we need. When we’re hungry, that’s contextual information too. We can extend this to how our bodies feel when we eat certain foods. All of this is good information that should impact our intuition about our environment, something the brain is always trying to grasp.

But there’s a second reason for the connection as well:

The gut needs context to do its job well.

Imagine, for example, you have a 16oz steak you’re trying to digest (something that requires significant blood flow and energy), and suddenly you need to run from a threat. If the gut didn’t know there was a threat, it would continue to try to digest the steak and you would be unable to run. But since your brain is connected to your gut, your gut receives a signal to stop digesting (and in some cases to vomit or defecate) so you could use that blood and energy for your heart, lungs, and muscles. In contrast, when you feel safe, you’re surrounded by loved ones, and you eat a satiating meal, your brain tells your gut it’s time to dig in.

In this way your mental state – ideally a result of your intuition of your current environment – impacts the permeability, blood flow, gut microbiome composition, and digestive enzyme composition… and vice versa.

There are 2 main pathways by which your brain and gut interact: a hormonal pathway and a neural pathway. Both pathways are bi-directional, meaning that the activity of the gut impacts your brain, and also that the activity of the brain impacts the gut.

The cortisol pathway: stoking the fire

The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is the hormonal highway between your brain and your gut. The hypothalamus’ job is to keep your body in homeostasis – to keep things in rhythm. When you wake up in the morning, like clockwork your hypothalamus signals to your pituitary to produce adrenaline to get your body moving. Your adrenal glands in turn release cortisol. Your gut has cortisol receptors that signal to the gut that it’s time to move around. This signal changes the composition of your gut biome, your gut biome’s permeability, and blood flow.

Cortisol, over time, creates a leaky gut that is vulnerable to IBS episodes.

The vagal pathway: dousing the fire

Your body also needs a way to soothe itself and return to normal. This is the job of your vagus nerve, which signals for your body to slow back down. If cortisol is like gasoline on the fire, then your vagus nerve is like cooling water that helps the gut return to normal. The vagus nerve is part of your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the way your body returns to safety and calm.

The vagus nerve runs down past your heart, lungs, and gut. When you see something sweet or comforting, you might feel an opening sensation in your chest and put a hand over your heart. You might take a deep breath and say “awww”. This wonderful sensation is your vagus nerve signaling for your heart, lungs, and gut to open up and slow down.

When your gut receives the vagus nerve signal, lots of things change. The vagus nerve signal:

Starts an anti-inflammatory process in your gut
Slows the cortisol signal
Enforces a stronger gut barrier (decreases gut permeability)

The vagus nerve signal builds a strong gut environment that protects you from IBS episodes.

What an IBS episode looks like inside: Anxiety as a firestorm

When your body is in extreme and prolonged states of stress, high cortisol levels keep the gut in an inflamed state, leading to chronic changes in the gut microbiome and difficulty processing food. This puts the gut – and brain – in a fragile position, or a high “allostatic load”: the cumulative burden of multiple stressors. In this fragile state, any additional stressor can set off a spiral much like a spark will ignite a dry pile of hay.

An additional stressor could be anything: an inflammatory food, or a psychological or environmental stressor, or a combination of all three. While the trigger may be like a spark that starts the fire, the real issue is not the spark itself. The real issue is the spiral – the firestorm – left unmitigated.

When your body gets anxious, it usually has methods to calm back down.

We call this self-regulation. It’s like a fire hose that stops the emotional mind from getting overwhelmed. We might think of a person who is able to take a deep breath when they feel stressed, or to reassure themselves of a positive outcome when they are auditioning. This calming ability happens in our frontal lobes. The orbital frontal cortex and our anterior cingulate helps us soothe ourselves by bringing to mind soothing experiences from our past. We quite literally pull into mind a comforting memory, perhaps a parent rubbing our backs when we’re scared. For someone with a panic disorder or IBS, this frontal lobe circuitry isn’t strong enough to combat the flames of anxiety.

Thus, in an IBS episode, anxiety creates inflammation in the gut either directly or via the HPA axis. In turn, the gut sends a stress signal back to the brain that there’s a problem. If not soothed, this signal triggers the HPA axis, and we release more cortisol into the gut. The changes in our levels of cortisol change our brains as well. When in a panicked state, our frontal lobes shut down in order to get to immediate safety. When this happens, our ability to soothe ourselves is inaccessible. It’s as if the raging fire destroys the few available fire hoses.

When our level of stress passes a certain point, we are unable to stop the spiral: the fire will simply exhaust itself. For those who experience IBS, this is a familiar emotional place: the depressing surrender to an uncontrollable experience.

So what can you do? How to stop the firestrom of anxiety and heal IBS

It’s common for people with IBS to simply avoid triggers. This often means making a list of foods that trigger an attack and avoiding the list as much as possible. Yet, if we think about IBS as a complex neurological pattern that doesn’t simply originate in the gut, but in the relationship between the brain and the gut, then we can start to think about healing in a different way.

1. Create a calmer baseline

Part of the reason certain foods are triggering is the fragility of your gut – the baseline level of functioning that exists. Earlier we referred to this as the “dry bed of hay” that is ready for a match to send it up in flames. What would it mean to have less fragile intestine? Part of what creates fragility in the gut is chronic stressors, or high allostatic load. Elevated cortisol changes our entire physiology. In a real way, anxiety is not simply a “feeling” that impacts IBS – it’s a bodily state.

As such, our blood flow, immune response, inflammation of gut lining, and even our gut microbiome change dramatically when cortisol is present. When our bodies are in chronic stress, our gut cannot heal. The gut stays in this permeable, inflamed, stressed state. Healing our gut doesn’t simply mean avoiding triggers, it means increasing the times when we are completely relaxed and safe. The “safe feeling” we get when we sit down to talk with a trusted friend, when we meditate or pray, or when we receive a long hug, is an indication of our physiology returning to a soothing baseline. That state is what your gut needs to reduce baseline inflammation and restore your microbiome.

2. Grow your Self-Awareness

While some triggers may be food-related, other triggers may be contextual. When looking back at recent attacks, we can wonder about larger contexts that might have created a higher cortisol response. It’s highly possible that attacks are due as much to your emotional state as the foods you eat.

If you are unaware of the cause of your anxiety, you are also unable to self-soothe. To use our fire analogy, a lack of self-awareness is akin to having a fire department that has headphones in. It can’t hear the bells going off until they reach a deafening level; until it’s too late. However, when we’re aware of our anxiety, we’re able to self-soothe before the fire starts raging. We can calm ourselves down, helping the vagus nerve to send signals to our gut that we’re safe.

Self-awareness isn’t an intellectual, but an empathetic effort.

Sometimes we can think of self-awareness as a cold process similar to cartography. For example, if we could just chart out our anxieties we could keep them in control. The real process is much more emotional. Heinz Kohut describes the process of self-awareness as “empathic inquiry”. This means visualizing, leaning in, and coming close enough to the emotions for us to feel their pain. This is a difficult and sometimes scary process to encounter alone. Often we don’t have the perspective to see ourselves. Sometimes we are simply too defended against our own pain to really feel it.

Yet our brains are meant to heal with empathy. Remember those self-soothing frontal-lobe areas we mentioned earlier? (Orbital-frontal cortex and the anterior cingulate) Those pathways aren’t just there by default. When we’re very young, the empathy and soothing we receive by our caregivers become etched in our brains. These early interactions are the pathways that we rely on throughout life to self-soothe.

Your self-soothing ability can grow. When we increase our self-awareness, our empathy for our the anxious and unsafe feelings grow. That empathy is like a fire department that can respond to a fire with soothing water before it begins to rage.

3. Reduce Chronic Anxiety

It’s been demonstrated that even momentary times of calm and peace can be overshadowed and outweighed by stressors. When we’re exposed to a stress, or multiple stressors, the injection of cortisol into your system takes a while to subside. This is called allostatic load. The moments of deep breathing or mindfulness you practice throughout the day are important, but they sadly don’t outweigh the internal stress that can keep you in a high-cortisol state.

What’s the solution? Often the biggest stressors we carry are internal beliefs that impact our entire outlook on life. There is a relationship between early traumatic experiences and later IBS symptoms. This is because like a tea bag in hot water, our childhood experiences color and impact everything we experience. Resolving IBS means experiencing the relief of working through your anxiety. Anxiety is a signal that needs attention and understanding in order to resolve.

IBS and Anxiety: You can heal your gut

We have therapists who can help you reduce chronic anxiety. Identifying triggering foods is important, but can only get you so far. The stressor that most aggravates IBS is often not specific foods, but the chronic stress and anxiety that creates a fragile gut lining. Resolving and reducing anxiety physiologically allows your gut to repair the gut lining so you can be resilient.

Reducing anxiety impacts your everyday life. Not only does it help your gut, but helps your relationships, your job performance, your sleep, and your enjoyment of life. What would it be like for you to experience freedom from anxiety? How different would your day be today if you had more peace? We want to help you get there. Contact one of our therapists who specializes in anxiety. Schedule a free consultation and see how we can help you.

View our therapists who help with anxiety

This client addressed anxiety to heal IBS issues:

My gut wrenched as I lifted myself from the bathroom floor. I looked in the mirror at my face. It was covered in hives. The hives went down my neck. I lifted my shirt to find my entire torso was covered in hot, red, itching hives. Internally, my stomach was tied in knots. What was happening to me? I had no history of allergies. I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary. And yet I had just spent to last hour on the toilet.

I had traveled to the desert to facilitate a leadership retreat. I pulled up to the AirBnB where we would all be staying, set out the chips and guacamole, and people began arriving. That’s when my scalp started itching. I ignored that until I began to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom. The people I was there to lead filled the time. Finally I mustered the strength to come out of the bathroom and ask for help. They ended up driving me to the emergency room.

When I returned home, my doctors were perplexed. The allergy tests, MRI’s, scopes, bloodwork and exams showed nothing.

Two months later, I traveled to visit family for Christmas. The night after our Christmas family dinner, I woke at 2am with hives and pain in my stomach so intense I lost consciousness. My family called an ambulance and I spent three days recovering in the hospital.

Over two years, this happened six times, all of them during a flight or visit with family. Finally, after numerous visits to doctors, I saw a therapist. Over the course of several months, we were able to explore each of these events. We began to pay attention to what my gut was signaling to me. It became clear that my body was dealing with anxiety that I had been repressing for years, anxiety I had become numb to.

Under the care of my therapist, I’ve been able to go on trips again without attacks. I am actually able to feel my anxiety now, rather than becoming crippled by it.

Today, I see my gut pain as one way that I can tell that I’m getting anxious. When my stomach begins to tighten up, I pay attention to what could be causing anxiety. In the past, my gut had to “shout” to get my attention that something was wrong. After therapy, my gut only has to tighten a little and I respond by caring for myself and asking for help.
– Anonymous Client

View our therapists who help with anxiety

the channels in our brains impact how we experience our current external reality

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Neurology

Serotonin doesn’t make you happy: How to re-understand the happiness hormone for a happy life

Written by herecounseling

Does serotonin make you happy? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, how hard you try, you can’t seem to get “out” of sadness. You can’t cheer yourself up, and you feel guilty about it. In this moment, we use a belief – a story – about what we should do to feel better. The false story is that serotonin, the “happiness hormone”, is to blame, and we need to find ways to increase it.

Serotonin is often referred to as the “happy chemical.” The idea is everywhere: from wellness blogs to pharmaceutical ads. But this simplified narrative leaves out something crucial. Happiness, healing, and emotional well-being are far more complex than a single brain chemical.

But here’s the catch: Serotonin does not create “happiness”, despite what you and I are told.

We’ve been sold a “mechanistic view” of serotonin. In this view, serotonin is like a lever we can pull to increase happiness. This incorrect view has led to ironically unhappy outcomes. In this blog, we’re going to look at the neurotransmitter serotonin. We’ll pull apart the assumptions that have kept us from understanding our own needs and propose a more holistic view that will help you achieve lasting happiness.

What is serotonin?

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps transmit signals between neurons in the brain. It plays a crucial role in regulating mood, appetite, sleep, and social behavior. It also triggers increased neuroplasticity (our brain’s ability to adapt and learn). While serotonin is often called the “happiness hormone,” it doesn’t simply cause us to feel happy. While it’s present when we experience happiness, we have to be careful about assuming causation.

This begs a few questions about serotonin:

What is happiness?
Does serotonin make you happy?
How does serotonin work?
If I want to be happy, do I increase serotonin?

Serotonin’s is not a drug that “makes you happy“

As we begin, let’s start by reorienting our view of neurochemicals. Within a Western worldview, we tend to think dualistically about our brains. This means we tend to view our brain as something separate from our “selves”. Further, it’s a way of experiencing the self as a soul-like, unaffected entity that only interacts with our body. A Western worldview sees the brain as a mechanism that causes certain feelings and behaviors in the self.

Someone with a dualistic view of the mind might say, “because my brain was in fight or flight mode, I didn’t feel like myself.” Or again, “my serotonin made me feel happy”. In both cases, we assume two separate entities: the brain and the self. More-so, we assume a causal relationship between the brain’s activity and the self. As such, the cortisol (first example) and the serotonin (second example) “cause me” to feel a certain way. These dualistic assumptions lead to problematic understandings about our happiness. Let’s explore why.

Don’t confuse the cart with the horse, neurologically

Imagine sitting with friends and feeling a bit bored. In an effort to get into a different mood, you exclaim: “Let’s start having fun.” Unless delivered tongue-in-cheek, such a comment is almost certain to result in comically ironic discomfort. Sensing the discomfort, you insist: “Come on, really: Let’s have fun now.” Why doesn’t this work? While these friends are more than capable of having fun, fun is a byproduct, not a cause. Trying to directly infuse “fun” into the interaction misses the point.

In the same way, it’s a mistake to focus directly on increasing happiness through serotonin.

What Serotonin Really Does

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger that helps nerve cells communicate. While it’s most commonly associated with mood, serotonin affects many parts of the body. In fact, most of the body’s serotonin lives not in the brain but in the digestive system.

In the brain, serotonin plays a role in helping people feel emotionally balanced, focused, and calm. It supports emotional regulation, which can allow a person to better cope with stress. But it doesn’t cause happiness. Instead, serotonin is part of a much larger network that helps the body and mind maintain balance.

It also plays critical roles in sleep, digestion, appetite, and even wound healing. When serotonin levels are disrupted—too low or too high—it can contribute to a wide range of symptoms, from irritability and fatigue to gastrointestinal discomfort or even serious medical complications.

What Causes Low Serotonin Levels?

There’s no single cause. Sometimes, the body doesn’t produce enough serotonin. Other times, the brain may not use it effectively. Stress, trauma, sleep disruption, poor nutrition, and chronic health conditions can all affect serotonin function. But these biological factors often exist alongside emotional wounds, relationship dynamics, and past experiences that shape a person’s inner world.

The mechanical view of serotonin keeping you unhappy

A quick Google search for “serotonin and happiness” yields a number of articles that celebrate the mechanistic view of serotonin. Here are a few title and subtitle snippets you can find when searching for serotonin:

“Happy Hormones: What They Are and How to Boost Them”
https://www.healthline.com › health › happy-hormone

“Serotonin is often described as the body’s natural feel-good chemical”
“To boost the serotonin levels in your brain you should…”

“The Chemistry of Happiness: Unlock the Power of DOSE to be a happier you!”
“You can also get tiny shots of serotonin by earning likes for your random social media posts. Yet that high is so short-lived that it is hardly worth it!”
https://jainsandeepk.medium.com/the-chemistry-of-happiness-here-is-the-dose-for-a-happier-you-f483f5891d90

In each of these examples, serotonin is treated like a drug we can mechanically increase to “make us” feel good. To be clear: this is not correct.

However, it makes sense that we’re excited by this idea. Our minds can be chaotic, frustrating, and clunky. If we could only “hack” the code we could unlock what we’ve so desperately wanted from our minds: to be content, happy, full of virtue and productivity.

We’re distrustful of biohacking happiness, at least on the silver screen

As much as we’re excited by the idea of “biohacking” our serotonin, we’re equally terrified. Movies such as The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, The Matrix, and The Truman Show express both the longing to artificially create happiness, and the dystopian outcomes of these efforts. These stories showcase a godlike effort to “hack” the characters’ experience of the world and effectively pacify a darker reality. Truman is given a safely controlled, domed environment partitioned away from a deceitful world. Neo is shielded from the horrors of a post-apocalyptic planet, and Clementine willfully erases painful memories to help her feel happy again. In each film, the biohack intended to produce happiness backfires. It becomes a “prison for your mind” typifying hell. In each story, the characters reject the biohack in favor of something more “true”.

The lesson? When we reverse engineer happiness, we’re not happy.

In the sections below we’ll re-understand serotonin so you can have a realistic and attainable goal for your own well-being that does not fall into the dualistic, mechanistic trap of chasing a happiness hormone.

The Myth of the “Happy Chemical”

The belief that serotonin creates happiness likely grew from the success of antidepressants, particularly SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These medications increase serotonin availability in the brain and can help some individuals manage symptoms of depression and anxiety.

However, this doesn’t mean serotonin is the single cause of these conditions or that boosting serotonin guarantees emotional well-being. Emotional healing isn’t just a matter of chemistry. It involves relationships, history, nervous system patterns, identity, and lived experience.

Relying solely on the “chemical imbalance” explanation can unintentionally reduce a person’s emotional pain to something mechanical or broken. It may also lead to disappointment when medication alone doesn’t provide lasting change.

Serotonin is not just about feeling happy. Research supports this idea.

A study by Stanford University School of Medicine in 2013 found that oxytocin, the “love hormone,” drives our urge for social connections, and that this in turn triggers the release of serotonin. This chain reaction results in a happy feeling, as serotonin activates the reward circuitry in the nucleus accumbens. A study by the University of Cambridge in 2015 found that low levels of serotonin are associated with lower self-esteem and reduced social status. This suggests that serotonin not only helps us feel connected to others but also influences how we perceive ourselves within our social networks.

Further, the research on the connection between serotonin and social belonging supports what we know about human brain evolution. The Dunbar number is the correlation between the size of a primate’s cortex (the large, energy intensive outer part of the brain) and the size of its tribe. This correlation suggests that the purpose of the cortex isn’t simply to make us “smart”, but to help us attach to a tribe.

Serotonin is a meter of our connection to others

If the need to attach to a tribe is inherent to our survival, would we expect a bodily signal – a sort of meter – that helps us sense and respond to our level of security in the tribe? The body’s answer is a neurotransmitter that responds to our level of connection with others. It’s interesting that the release of serotonin isn’t just connected to the reward centers of our brains, but also opens our brain to learning new behaviors and skills (neuroplasticity). It’s no wonder that when we sense we’re “in” a tribe we also become more moldable to its customs and skills.

Serotonin makes us feel rewarded to be included with others, and it stimulates our brains as if to say, “learn how to be useful to this group.”

This dramatically changes our approach to serotonin and happiness. Happiness itself is not just an internal “feeling”. It’s your awareness that you belong. Much like the feeling you get when you’re at a good family gathering. It’s the feeling of a campfire at the end of a hike, a running team that runs and supports each other every week, a hug with a long childhood friend, the singing of a national anthem at a sporting event, or a group prayer in a place of worship. The feeling is that of being at home.

SSRI’s aren’t all bad…

Increasing serotonin through direct means (such as SSRIs, sun exposure, etc.) still have an important roll. For some people with depression, it’s difficult to accomplish daily tasks. Much like pouring starter fluid in an engine, these methods can dramatically help a person increase their energy. The purpose of this “kick-start”, however, is to help the person build connections and belonging. The stimulation of serotonin receptors can start a positive feedback loop to generate real change.

Reading your serotonin meter

Your body’s serotonin levels swing day to day. 50% of the difference between people’s serotonin levels is a biological set-point. Of the remaining half, we experience a mix between the external world conditions, and our internal way of processing these conditions. For example, if I receive a compliment, that’s an external condition. It may contribute to an increased sense of belonging and self-esteem, thus raising my serotonin levels. But I also make sense of this external condition based on past similar experiences. If I have routinely experienced relationships as flighty or inconsistent, I may immediately reject the compliment. This augments my ability to receive the serotonin experience. In this way, our serotonin levels do not simply reflect our current external conditions. They reflect a combination of our biology, our history of experience, and our current external conditions.

Learn to read your serotonin levels like an electrical meter

What does high serotonin feel like?

High serotonin is the feeling of self-security. It’s the feeling we described above: home, connected, belonging, part of a team. It carries with it a feeling of “identity” or being grounded in my own body. It couples with the feeling of learning and curiosity. When you feel this way, your body tells you you’re safe and you’re engaged in an activity/behavior/social group that is healthy for you.

What does low serotonin feel like?

In mild cases, low serotonin feels like being bored or understimulated. In Los Angeles (where I’m writing from today), our Western individualist cultural influences tend to carry a mild but constant sense of disconnection from one another. We likely have become used to a relative dearth of connecting experiences. In such a societal structure, such experiences deprive our brains of serotonin.

On first glance, the results are what you’d expect: higher rates than the global average for depression and anxiety. But we also find some milder but common experiences that we come to see as normal. Existential dread, meaninglessness, isolation, and high levels of alcohol and caffeine consumption point to our difficulty coping with adequate social connection.

Low serotonin feels a bit empty. Think of the feeling of “FOMO”, or the experience of waiting for a friend that’s taking too long to show up. It feels uncomfortable. These uncomfortable feelings are your serotonin levels dropping in response to less social connection. Similar to our bodies producing the experience of hunger when we have a need for food, our bodies produce the feeling of loneliness when we’re feeling outside of the circle of our social connections.

How to respond to low serotonin levels

If we focus not on increasing serotonin directly, but listening to our level of serotonin as a social connection meter, we can find new solutions. As we mentioned before, there are two ways we can respond to increase our connections (and therefore serotonin levels): The first is to change our external conditions, the second is to create new ways of making meaning out of those experiences.

Change your external conditions

Let’s start with changing our external conditions. This is usually where we want to start to create a change.

Coffee Shop Habit. Create normal, small, daily interactions with others you know. One way to do this is to show up at a coffee shop at the same time a few days per week. See if you spot familiar faces. Simply learning a person’s name can help you feel socially connected. Accordingly, other spaces might be a gym or grocery store. Be consistent, patient, and open (maybe no headphones).
Call a Parent/Grandparent. Checking in with an attachment figure can help you feel connected again. For example, call someone just to say hi. If you have a trusting relationship with a parent or grandparent, a short call can remind you that you belong.
Call instead of text. Hearing a person’s voice and tone can help you feel connected. This normal, everyday, constant way of being connected is quite low in our digital age.
Go somewhere social for work. As much as traffic can be inconvenient, studies have shown the social and mental health benefits of being in a social setting for work. For example, if an in-person office is inaccessible, consider setting up shop at a local coffee shop (checking off tip #1 and $4 in one swoop!)
Schedule regular interactions with friends. Having a scheduled time can help you mind positively anticipate a meeting, thus giving benefits to your social mind before and after the gathering. Some people join a book club, or a CrossFit gym, or a religious study group. Focus on small gatherings, between 3-8 people, and it can be helpful to have an intention besides simply catching up. Play a board game, read a book together, or go on a run.

friends connecting socially and boosting serotonin through meeting in person

Is It Possible to Boost Serotonin Naturally?

Yes, but again, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Activities like getting sunlight, exercising, eating tryptophan-rich foods, and reducing stress can all support serotonin levels. Therapy itself may play a role as well, through emotional processing, nervous system regulation, and improved sleep and self-care.

These practices are not replacements for medication when it’s needed, but they are powerful supports for overall well-being. The most effective approach often blends biological, psychological, and relational care.

Serotonin, Trauma, and the Nervous System

People with trauma often experience dysregulation in their nervous system, feeling chronically unsafe, hypervigilant, or emotionally numb. This state can affect the brain’s ability to use or produce serotonin effectively.

Trauma-informed therapy focuses not just on mood symptoms, but on rebuilding a sense of safety in the body and mind. Healing trauma may, over time, support the brain’s natural chemistry — but more importantly, it restores the capacity to feel, connect, and live fully.

How Therapy Helps Beyond Chemistry

While serotonin affects emotional regulation, therapy provides the structure to address what chemicals alone cannot: the underlying causes of emotional pain.

Therapy helps:

Make sense of past experiences
Recognize patterns of thinking and behavior
Strengthen self-compassion and emotional resilience
Create new, healthier ways of relating to others
Calm the nervous system through relational safety

These are all things serotonin alone cannot do. When combined with lifestyle changes or medication when appropriate, therapy offers a complete path toward healing and integration.

Healing Is Relational

Serotonin plays a role in mood, but healing from depression, anxiety, or trauma doesn’t come from one molecule. It comes from connection. From telling the truth in a space where it’s safe to do so. From working with someone who knows how to listen beneath the surface.

Therapy is more than symptom relief. It’s a process of integration. Of coming back to yourself. Of understanding what shaped you and beginning to rewire patterns that no longer serve you.

There’s room for medication in this journey. But there’s also room for something deeper: healing through relationship, presence, and insight.

Changing our internal condition

Much more important than the external conditions is our history of experience with the world. Long ago, these experiences dug the channels through which our current experiences flow. While changing our external conditions is important, real change happens when we can see the network of “channels” we hold, and form new pathways. If we do not do this, our external experiences may never yield internal relief.

This process of creating new pathways happens naturally as we experience empathy and awareness. Simply by talking about our internal process, noticing it, understanding how we came to feel these ways, our minds begin to form new pathways that help us take in our current experience. It’s a bit like having a nightmare, where talking about it helps you to see it for the dream it is, separate from your current reality.

That’s what we do. We have therapists who can help you build new serotonin pathways so you can create change in your life.

Serotonin is much more than just a “happiness hormone.” It plays a crucial role in our social connections, self-esteem, and overall mental well-being. By understanding its complex relationship with our social lives, genetic factors, and our internal and external conditions, we can take proactive steps to build strong and wide social connections to naturally boost our serotonin levels. So go ahead and start building those connections – your serotonin levels will thank you.

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Anxiety

How to stop a Panic Attack: Video Explanation

Written by Connor McClenahan

A panic attack can be really scary and overwhelming.

A lot of people can get frustrated with themselves when they experience a panic attack.

It can be something that happens constantly and as a “regular” thing in your life. Because of that, you don’t feel comfortable going out in social settings or to work or other places where you fear you’ll have another panic attack. So you stay close to home and isolate yourself.

Panic attacks are a difficult experience that can cause disruption to your daily life. Let’s talk more specifically about what they are and what you can do the next time you find yourself experiencing one.

What is a Panic Attack?

A panic attack is a heightened state of anxiety. It can feel like a heart attack; you might experience heart palpitations (your heart beats really fast), chest tightness, headaches, and the inability to think clearly.

Sometimes the only thing you can do when you’re experiencing a panic attack is lay down in bed or some other safe space and wait for the pain to pass.

Why do we Have Panic Attacks?

Panic attacks can be a sign of dysregulated anxiety that’s become extremely physiological. Whenever we get anxious, our bodies sometimes give out smaller signals at first. We might feel fluttering in our chest, or we feel tension and anxiety around certain situations. Then it can build without our knowing it, until it gets to the point where it feels like something is physiologically wrong. Many people even go into the ER because they think they’re having a heart attack.

Woman overcoming panic attacks with self-care

There’s actually a lot you can learn about yourself if you are experiencing panic attacks. When you experience panic attacks, it’s a sign that something is off in your life. Something is hard to deal with, something is putting pressure on you, you’re experiencing some sort of big stressor in your life. However, sometimes you don’t know what that is on the surface, which is frustrating and difficult.

How to Reduce Panic Attacks

1. Journal Panic Attack History

Set aside some time to journal and ask yourself a few questions. When did the panic attacks start? How bad are they? What’s the normal course of a panic attack for you? When does the pain start? What symptoms do you experience? How intense do those symptoms get? When does the panic attack finally pass? Usually panic attacks last under an hour, typically around 30 minutes. Have you always experienced panic attacks or when did they start to become a thing in your life? Was there a moment in which they became worse?

The reason these things are important to know is because when you go into a panic attack, you want to know what triggered it and how long the course of the panic attack might last.

2. Make a plan for the panic attack

A lot of people get frustrated when they experience panic attacks; they just want them to go away. But once you get to that heightened state, there’s not much you can do aside from waiting it out. As difficult as it may be, waiting it out requires you to release, relax, and let it all pass. So find a comfortable, safe space where you’re not around other people. It might be helpful to have something to hold, somewhere to lay down, something to drink – whatever will help you feel safest. Let yourself ride it out, knowing that it will eventually pass. You don’t have to talk about your anxiety during those 30-ish minutes or try to figure things out ways to make the panic go away. You just need to ride the wave. At the end of those 30-some minutes (or however long it takes for the panic to pass) is when you can do some assessing.

3. Assess Causes for the Panic Attack

Get out the same journal you originally wrote in (or a piece of paper or even a Notes app) and ask yourself: When did I first start experiencing this panic attack? When did it first start to come on? What was the earliest point that I can recognize I started to feel anxious? For some, the anxiety builds for a week before they experience a panic attack. For others, the anxiety builds for a day before they experience a panic attack. What was that moment for you, in which you started to feel anxious and tense? See if you can do a bit of exploration to understand the earliest moment at which you remember yourself feeling anxious.

4. Work with a Therapist who can treat a Panic Attack

In addition to these things, working with a professional will be important in order to understand your panic attack history and to learn ways to manage and regulate your anxiety before it escalates to a panic attack. Through therapy, you get the opportunity to learn how to pay attention to the cues your body gives you when you are feeling anxious, and know how to take care of yourself in the moments when you are feeling increasingly stressed. You learn to listen to yourself, to take care of yourself, and to resolve the anxiety before you find yourself in a full blown panic attack. We have therapists who can help with anxiety and panic attacks.

A panic attack can be treated, and you can experience relief

Those who deal with anxiety and panic attacks often feel very alone, but you are not alone. Please reach out to a professional if these are things you are struggling with. It might be nerve-wracking to do so but doing so is also a significant step towards better understanding yourself and prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being.

I help professionals who experience panic attacks to learn new ways of coping with difficult emotions.

Learn about Therapy for Panic Attacks

Anxiety

Why do I get panic attacks? How to soothe yourself and restore calm inside, for lawyers and other professionals

Written by Connor McClenahan

The familiar pounding in your chest, the tightness in your lungs – it can feel like you’re having a heart attack. What’s worse is you are afraid it could happen again at any moment. You feel hesitant going out, being social, even driving, for fear that you’ll have another attack.

As someone who takes pride in your work, who is used to pushing hard and getting a result, it’s common to feel shame about the anxiety attacks. You can wonder

Why is this panic attack happening?
Why won’t it go away?
What do I do when I have panic attacks?
Do other professionals experience this?

There are many people who experience panic just like you. It’s a common way our bodies react when anxiety flares up. Let’s talk about why panic attacks happen and how to shift your approach to help you grow.

Why you’re experiencing panic attacks: suppressing anxiety

Panic attacks happen when anxiety is “disregulated”. This means that the anxiety isn’t consciously seen or paid attention to. When this happens, the anxiety doesn’t have a backboard. It becomes louder and louder until it shows up in a strong physiological way: heavy breathing, tight chest, and the feeling like something is seriously wrong in our bodies.

Why is the anxiety not consciously paid attention to? For some of us, we don’t like to pay attention when we’re anxious. We might avoid feelings like disappointment, worry, and concern because they make us feel out of control. Sometimes our way of getting through those feelings is to “change the channel”. This is called affect suppression. When the feeling of anxiety comes up we don’t pay attention to it or wonder about it – we try to get it out of our heads. This can look like

Addictive behaviors
Fidgeting
Workaholism
Excessive phone use
Substance use
Sleeplessness
Avoiding silence

But the trick is, the less we pay attention to the anxiety, the louder it tends to get.

How to make panic attacks stop: seeing anxiety as a signal

For panic attacks to stop, we need to see anxiety as a signal, not a disease. Our anxiety is usually a signal that something doesn’t feel safe. It’s a sign that something needs attention, just like when a fire alarm goes off.

If your building’s fire alarm went off, you wouldn’t put in headphones right away. You’d turn, look, not for the alarm sound, but for the look and smell of smoke. In the same way, our panic attacks are not themselves the thing we need to “fix” or make go away. They are a signal that something is off in our lives. It may be a relationship, a re-emerging trauma, a life-transition, or work-related stressor that is no longer tolerable. Your mind is telling you that you’re unsafe and you need to pay attention.

What happens if we don’t pay attention to the anxiety signal?

If we don’t pay attention to the signal of anxiety, our panic will get worse. The more common panic attacks become, the more they lead to agoraphobia – the fear of leaving the house. You may feel this presently in your life. It’s the feeling of fearfulness and avoidance of any trips or engagements that take you away from home. The fear that you’ll have another panic attack keeps you close to home. People who have agoraphobia struggle to accomplish daily tasks and the world feels unsafe to them.

Additionally, if we don’t pay attention to anxiety, we continue to avoid and suppress it through addictive behaviors. It becomes hard to sleep, hard to rest, hard to concentrate. We depend more and more on substances like caffeine, alcohol, and other addictive substances. We avoid anything that will trigger an attack.

Most of all, when we don’t pay attention to anxiety, we diminish some of the most vibrant parts of ourselves.

There’s a different way to handle anxiety and panic attacks

We need to learn a new way to engage our anxiety if we want panic attacks to subside. For lawyers and other professionals, it can be hard to slow down and trust that doing so will actually move them forward faster than “changing the channel”.

It’s incredibly difficult.

Because listening to your anxiety requires a new voice inside: one that can be understanding and empathetic toward your experience. One that is soothing rather than critical. It can be difficult to trust that this small act is actually a fulcrum that will change the course of your life. Yet this is the work I engage in all the time with people just like you. One of the most powerful things you can do with your panic attack is give yourself a chance to listen to yourself. I can help you do that. Contact me today for a consultation.

Learn About Connor

Connor McClenahan

Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions, Neurology

Maximize EMDR Therapy: How to Find a Good Therapist

Written by Connor McClenahan

Maybe you’re wondering about how EMDR therapy can treat trauma. Trauma can negatively impact an individual’s life and well-being for years, even decades, after the traumatic event has passed. Trauma is a natural survival response to any life-threatening situation. If you’ve experienced trauma, you may notice how it seems to intrude into everyday situations.

Trauma can impact:

Sleep: the quality and restfulness of your sleep
Relationships: increase feelings of insecurity and fear
Anxiety: increase blood pressure, heart rate, jumpiness
Addiction: increased dependence on external substances to reduce symptoms
Focus: increased scattered, intrusive thoughts

Our brains heal from trauma.

In fact, like a wound that simply needs rest and clean bandages, there’s a natural reparative process that takes place – all on its own – when our minds feel safe enough. We find ourselves sharing more, feeling more, telling the story of what happened with a trusted other. EMDR therapy taps into this natural healing process.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. In this article, you’ll learn how EMDR works for you, and why the relationship between the therapist and client is key in producing long-term change.

How EMDR works

EMDR therapy is based on the idea that traumatic memories are stored in a person’s brain in an unintegrated form. Normally, in non-traumatic experiences, memories of the experience can be retrieved and shelved easily with language (think of checking out a video at a library), giving us control and mastery. When someone experiences a traumatic event, however, their brain shields itself from the painful memory, leading to the memory becoming “stuck” in the right prefrontal cortex and limbic system. This can result in persistent symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR therapy works by accessing these stored memories and integrating them through a shared experience with the therapist.

EMDR Therapy and Tapping

The key component of EMDR therapy is the rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes, also known as “tapping.” This tapping is believed to stimulate the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate the traumatic memories. As a result, the negative emotions and physical sensations associated with the trauma are reduced. The individual is then able to move beyond the event and regain control of their life.

EMDR Therapy and the hidden ingredient: Your therapist

While the tapping component of EMDR therapy is crucial, it is not the only factor that leads to successful outcomes. In fact, research has shown that the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist is even more important in producing long-term change in trauma. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to explore their traumatic experiences and work through them in a controlled and guided manner.

Your brain wants – and even needs – to process trauma. Biologically, your brain is looking for safety. While safety can come from trusting a specific intervention or technique, such as EMDR, it will primarily come from your relationship with your therapist. Your ability to feel comfortable and safe with your therapist is exactly the environment your brain is looking for to integrate a painful emotional experience.

EMDR Therapy Girl wanting to process trauma with an EMDR therapist

A good EMDR therapist will help you

Gingerly approach the trauma, listening to your comfort level
Will appropriately challenge you to trust yourself to share
Give you space to stop when you’re feeling overwhelmed
Review and help you understand what you’re feeling
Check in about your symptoms

In conclusion, EMDR therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. The rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes (tapping) stimulates the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate traumatic memories. However, it is the therapeutic relationship between the client and therapist that is the most important factor in producing long-term change. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to work through their traumatic experiences, leading to a more successful outcome.

EMDR Therapy can help you

Consider reaching out to a qualified EMDR therapist. With the right support and guidance, it is possible to overcome trauma and reclaim your life.

You want a therapist who fits you, who you feel safe talking with. I promise, it’s worth it to work through trauma. We can help you find the right fit so you can regain health and peace.

Which therapist is right for you?

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ADHD, Anxiety, Neurology

I can’t Focus. Do I have ADHD? What’s Happening Inside Your Brain When You Have Trouble Paying Attention

Written by Connor McClenahan

Sometimes focusing our attention feels impossible. As soon as we settle down at the computer, or into a conversation, we can find ourselves darting around, proverbially switching channels back and forth. We can start to wonder, “Do I have ADHD?”

Today we’re going to look at what actually happens in the brain when we have trouble focusing. Whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, understanding how our brains pay attention will help you make changes so you can hold attention in a healthy way.

Here’s what’s happening in the brain when you focus attention

Your mind is constantly receiving thousands of inputs every second – from your skin and muscles (the uncomfortable chair you’re sitting in), from your ears (that air conditioning in the background), from your stomach (it’s been a while since breakfast!), from your social awareness (I’m surrounded by people right now) and from communication from others (this article teaching you about ADHD), among other things.

It’s a wonder that your mind can focus its attention at all. It needs a way of organizing a whole world of constantly changing pieces of information so it can keep you safe. The way the mind does this is really important: it focuses your attention on threats so it can resolve them and feel safe again.

Attention Neurology:

The floodgate. First, your mind measures how much information it wants to take in. Picture the difference between eating an apple on an empty stomach, versus eating an apple after an ice cream sundae. On an empty stomach, you might taste intense, complex flavors from the apple. After an ice cream sundae, however, it might hardly taste sweet. This is the job of the reticular formation. It measures how much stimulation (excitement) your brain can take to keep you somewhere between feeling bored and overwhelmed.
The emotional stamp (limbic system). Next, the information is stamped with emotion. Like a message coded by urgency (?), the limbic system tags how important this new information is to your safety and prepares your body to respond. When you feel a tinge of stomach tension at receiving an email from your boss, it’s because your limbic system told you there’s a threat to your safety: you could be in danger of being dismissed or abandoned. Your entire body responds right away, changing your heart rate, blood flow, and attention so you can be safe.
The planning center (prefrontal cortex). Imagine a rider on top of an emotional elephant. The elephant is our emotional brain, charging haphazardly away from danger and toward safety. The rider (prefrontal cortex) has to decide how to direct the elephant’s energy. The rider is a bit frustrated with the elephant’s erratic impulses! He tries to navigate the elephant in a straight line toward the main goal of connection and safety, taking into account social norms, past experiences and outcomes, contextual cues, and other emotions in ourselves and others. The rider considers two main voices: the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) and Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BAS is like a forward-thinking rider. She decides how to direct the elephant’s energy down a certain path. It’s good at planning logical steps that help it achieve goals and satisfy needs for connection and safety. The BIS is like a cautious rider. She pulls the reigns to keep the elephant from running wild. She’s concerned with holding back on emotional impulses, trying to steer clear of social stigma, rejection, and shame.
The reward center (ventral striatum). Think of a party at the end of a marathon: the runner endures enormous pain, finally crosses the finish line, and feels immense relief and pleasure. He completes the goal and finally wins the needed sustenance and support. His brain is flooded with dopamine, which slows his heart rate and relaxes his muscles. Next time he runs the marathon, his mind will stay on task, knowing the reward at the end.

To summarize,

Whenever your mind receives an input, it first evaluates its strength and connection to your survival, and you feel your body become ready to respond. Your prefrontal cortex then plans what to do – to either resolve the need or suppress it and stay on task toward the current goal and reward.

So let’s say you’re writing a brief.

When the project first came up, you felt excitement. Your limbic system tagged the project as important because of your long term goal to make money – and more importantly – be included in a community and avoid abandonment (safety).

Right away, you felt engaged with the project. Your BAS was organizing your excitement and planning different behaviors to get closer to your goal. You might sit down and outline your project.

BUT THEN – you get a text. This time it’s from your partner. It says, “I didn’t feel great about how we ended last night.” You feel another rush in your body. This time, it’s not excitement but anxiety. Suddenly the project is out of your mind. If you pay attention, you might notice your BAS organizing yourself differently: “If I don’t respond right away, will they think I don’t care?” You feel the pain of an attachment strained. Your BIS then struggles to evaluate. How important is this new goal in relation to the project? How do I weigh my long-term survival against this immediate conflict? Should I stop working on the project now and call my partner?

Just then, a co-worker asks you a question. “Did you see the game last night?” Your mind is now balancing a few different bids for attention. This is where you start to feel your mind struggling to focus.

Attention problems can be caused by a few different areas

If you struggle with holding attention, there may be a problem with one or several of the brain areas we mentioned earlier.

Now, before we jump ahead, it’s important to note that the structure of your brain is the combination of your genetics, past experiences, and present experience. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say about 50% of your brain’s structure is caused by your genetics, and 50% is the result of your environment. Why is this important? Too many people confuse “brain structure” with organic/genetic causes. If you have a weakness in your reward pathway, making it difficult to feel pleasure when you achieve a goal, it might be because of an organic/genetic difference, or it might be due to the way rewards have been handled throughout your life. Both genetics and experience alter the structure of your brain.

With this in mind, let’s look at different ways you might be experiencing problems with attention.

Is my focus issue a “floodgate” problem?

Sometimes our problems in attention have to do with how stimulating our environment is. Each of us has a “Goldilocks” zone where we aren’t too bored or overwhelmed, where things are just right and we feel engaged. For some of us, reading a book doesn’t hold our attention. It feels boring and it’s hard to pay attention. For others it feels just right: a quiet room, a book, low light is the perfect amount of stimulation to hold our attention. This has to do with our floodgate, the reticular formation, that is monitoring the volume of the world around us.

Extraverts might need to add music, bright light, or tap their feet to raise the volume of the reading so they can pay attention. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by this idea! They might struggle to engage with reading in a loud room, needing to pull away into a quiet room to read.

How about you? If you struggle with attention, it’s possible that you’re either overwhelmed (“I can’t focus! It’s too much!”), or bored (“I can’t focus! It’s too mind-numbing!”).

Try adjusting the volume of the task by adding or removing stimulation.

Add music or exercise beforehand to make a boring task more engaging. Retreat to a quiet space away from distractions to make an overwhelming task more engaging. These volume adjustments help us focus our attention.

Is my focus issue an emotional problem?

Attention is anything but a cognitive task. Attention is mostly an emotional task that begins and ends in our brain’s limbic system (emotional center). Our emotional state is the elephant that moves our attention toward a goal to help us feel safe and connected. If anxiety and dread overwhelm you, writing a report is going to be incredibly difficult. Your mind will keep redirecting, over and over, toward your emotional state.

If you’re depressed, your concentration suffers. Your mind will keep redirecting toward your sadness. But if your mood improves, so does your attention. You’ll even find yourself being more creative at solving problems.

If you’re anxious, your attention suffers as well. PTSD significantly affects focus and attention. Why? When your world feels unsafe, your mind has to keep redirecting attention.

So what do we do? Trying to force ourselves to pay attention when we’re emotionally overwhelmed is like a tiny rider on top of that emotional elephant: it’s not gonna do much good.

The only solution is to help ourselves feel safe.

Regulating our emotions, and soothing ourselves is the first step. Sometimes this is as simple as reminding yourself of a loved one who cares about you. Other times this is about addressing emotional patterns in therapy.

Is my focus issue a planning problem?

After you feel an emotion and your body gets ready to act, your prefrontal lobe starts to plan how to achieve the goal. Sometimes it means telling yourself to stop working on other goals. Other times it means taking time to plan out each step you need to get to your goal. How you manage these two voices (BAS and BIS) has a lot to do with how others in your life have helped you achieve goals. For example, picture a child who’s trying to stack blocks, and gets frustrated. The parent who swoops in and stacks the blocks for the child, while well-intended, doesn’t help the child learn the planning skills they need. A parent that shows the child step by step how to stack the blocks will help strengthen the child’s frontal lobe, nurturing their ability to set and achieve goals.

In the same way, if we struggle with attention problems today, it might be a planning issue. Maybe it’s hard for you to take a moment to stop and plan the steps to get to your goal. Maybe it’s hard to say “no” to something you want so you can get the larger goal. This can be a powerless feeling – like there’s no way to move forward. This is where we switch attention – largely to avoid feeling powerless.

If this sounds like you, you’ll need to take the time to outsource this part of your brain to a checklist.

You might try taking time, before the start of the task, to outline the steps you’re going to need to take to get it done. You might also benefit from therapy. Addressing and understanding the feelings you have about setting goals can help you feel focused and in control again.

Is my focus issue a reward problem?

Sometimes our problem with holding attention has to do with a lack of reward. If we can hold our attention well, it’s because we know that by planning and holding out attention on a task, we’ll feel good again, relieved. Think of an Olympic athlete: they strain to hold their attention hour after hour because of the promise of winning gold. Think of a parent who spends an hour learning to bake a cake for their child: they hold their attention because of the promise of vicariously feeling their child’s joy. We hold our attention when we know there will be a reward.

For some of us, there’s no promise of reward. Maybe your own childhood involved a depressed parent who struggled to “light up” when you achieved a goal, and you felt like you could never make them proud. This experience lays pathways in your frontal lobe that influence how you experience daily tasks. Or maybe you’re living alone, so cleaning your house goes unnoticed. Maybe you have a preoccupied boss who doesn’t reward your hard work. In each of these situations, it will be a struggle to hold attention on a task, because your mind struggles to see the reward it’s working toward.

If this is the main obstacle to holding your attention, you might tend to feel tasks are meaningless, hopeless, or boring.

How do we help this issue? Some suggest giving yourself a treat when you complete a task: like rewarding yourself with chocolate. You’re welcome to try that if it works for you! For many people, however, this will only get you halfway there. The dopamine (reward) area of the brain is built around social rewards. The strongest reward we can receive is another person’s praise.

If you struggle with reward pathways, don’t think of giving yourself a treat; think of making the task meaningful.

How can you link the task with how it will contribute to your feeling connected and helpful in the world? Is there a way to include others in the task so you can receive feedback and praise? Is there a way the task could help someone else? How could you change the task to heighten these aspects?

So, do I have ADHD?

ADHD requires a diagnosis, something you can get by scheduling an assessment with one of our psychologists. Why a psychologist? Because too often, we diagnose ADHD whenever we spot an attention problem, without considering other factors, such as emotional health, life stressors, introversion/extraversion, etc.

Whether or not you have ADHD, you can rework your relationship with attention. Whether it’s about reducing/increasing the input (floodgate), regulating your emotion (making it more meaningful or less panic-inducing in the limbic system), taking more/less time to plan, or giving yourself more meaningful rewards, there are ways we can shift gears to pay attention, regardless of your diagnosis.

The effort it takes to hold attention can be frustrating. Talk with one of our therapists today. We’ll help you find your way to feel on top of your life again.

Connor McClenahan, PsyD

I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.

Learn More about Therapy with Connor