Anxiety Archives

Terrible Sleep Habits? How Executives Can Stop Destructive Late Nights and Actually Rest

You’re exhausted, but when bedtime rolls around, they just can’t let go. Instead of drifting off, you linger in the wee hours, scrolling through your phones or binge-watching shows that don’t even hold your interest. It’s not that you don’t know better—you do. You feel the pull to sleep, to recharge for the demanding day ahead.

You’re looking for a sliver of time that’s just yours, free from emails, meetings, or family obligations.

Poor sleep hygiene for executives often stems from that craving for autonomy. It’s like they’re carving out a secret space to breathe, to feel like themselves again—the version that’s not always adapting to everyone else’s needs or expectations.

Yet, the moment they start to enjoy time away from work, guilt creeps in. “I should be sleeping,” they think. “This is a waste of time.” And so begins the internal battle, leaving them stuck in a hazy middle ground where they get neither sleep nor real enjoyment.

High-Achievers Often Sleep Terribly

You push through long days, making decisions that affect teams or entire companies, all while juggling personal responsibilities. By evening, you’re wiped out, but that quiet time after everyone else has gone to bed feels like the only chance to unwind without interruption. Maybe you tell yourself it’s just a quick check of social media or one more episode, but hours slip away.

The problem isn’t the activities themselves; it’s that they’re not truly fulfilling. You’re not laughing with friends, pursuing a hobby that lights you up, or even just daydreaming freely. Instead, it’s this numb scrolling, half-hearted and laced with self-reproach. You end up feeling more drained, frustrated with yourself for “wasting” time, and then the cycle repeats the next night.

Sleep suffers, energy dips, and that sharp edge you need for your professional life starts to dull. Over time, this constant push-pull can leave you feeling fragmented, like parts of yourself are unraveling under the strain of always putting duty first:

Poor Sleep Hygiene is Costing You a Lot

Symptom	Statistic	Reference
Diminished Focus and Decision-Making	After five consecutive nights of partial sleep deprivation, participants showed reduced data gathering before making decisions and increased risk propensity.	Effects of Total and Partial Sleep Deprivation on Reflection … – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7261660/
Lowered Creativity and Innovation	Declines in sleep are associated with lower individual creativity and productivity, significantly impacting the elaboration process in innovation.	Workforce sleep and corporate innovation – ScienceDirect.com – https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0048733325000204
Increased Irritability and Mood Swings	Poorer sleep quality is directly associated with increased irritability (β = 0.25, p < .001).	Associations between sleep quality and irritability – PubMed Central – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10978035/
Heightened Risk of Burnout	At least 79% of UK employees experience burnout, with around 35% reporting extreme or high levels due to factors including lack of breaks.	64 workplace burnout statistics you need to know for 2024 – Spill – https://www.spill.chat/mental-health-statistics/workplace-burnout-statistics
Strained Relationships	Poor sleep leads to increased feelings of anger, which in turn negatively impacts perceptions of romantic partnerships.	New psychology study uncovers the romantic consequences of poor … – https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-study-uncovers-the-romantic-consequences-of-poor-sleep-quality/
Physical Health Decline	Insufficient sleep leads to increased incidences of cardiovascular morbidity and chances of diabetes mellitus, with about 1 in 3 US adults reporting not getting enough rest.	What Are Sleep Deprivation and Deficiency?
Reduced Productivity and Performance	Fatigue from poor sleep costs US companies around $136.4 billion annually in productivity losses.	The Link Between Sleep and Job Performance – Sleep Foundation – https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/good-sleep-and-job-performance
Elevated Anxiety and Depression	Participants averaging 6 hours or less of sleep per night are about 2.5 times more likely to have frequent mental distress, including anxiety and depression symptoms.	Effect of Inadequate Sleep on Frequent Mental Distress – CDC – https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2021/20_0573.htm
Hindered Career Progression	Nearly 25% of US adults suffer from insomnia, often experiencing excessive sleepiness that impacts work performance and career opportunities.	When Insomnia Threatens Your Career: Finding Balance Between … – https://wesper.co/blogs/wesper-journal/when-insomnia-threatens-your-career-finding-balance-between-sleep-and-work
Compromised Overall Well-Being	Lack of sleep is compromising the mental health of 78% of adults, contributing to reduced overall well-being.	Lack Of Sleep Is Compromising The Mental Health Of 78% Of Adults – https://neurowellnesstms.com/lack-of-sleep-is-compromising-the-mental-health-of-78-of-adults/

Poor Sleep Hygiene Is the Result of Unmet Needs

What if we flipped the script and saw this late-night resistance not as a flaw, but as a signal from your innermost self? Deep down, you’re craving freedom. You want a moment to simply exist without the constant adjustments to please or perform for others. It’s a chance for your creative, spontaneous side to emerge uninterrupted.

This is called your “creative self” and it’s as essential to your brain as food is to your body. This is the impulse you feel, especially after a demanding week, to indulge yourself, to play, to do something that’s not for anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s wanting to create, explore, connect, or simply enjoy.

The “creative self” passively repairs your mind

Accessing the Creative Self is the way we flush out the content of the day, daydream, and often, we passively find solutions to hard problems. It’s a mode that restores our energy, and is essential for high level creativity and problem solving. It’s what some people call “active rest”, and neglecting it has detrimental consequences for your body and mind.

Connecting with this aspect of yourself is like coming up for air in competitive swimming. That breath might feel like it costs you speed in the moment. But skip it too often, and your form starts to falter. Your strokes weaken. Eventually, you’re gasping and collapsing from lack of oxygen.

Or think of an F1 driver eyeing a pit stop. To a rookie, it seems like a frustrating delay that slows the race. But a seasoned pro knows refusing to change those worn tires will lead to blowouts, spins, or worse. It could derail the whole lap.

Similarly, a marathon runner can’t skip hydration breaks thinking they’ll save time. Dehydration leads to cramps and slowdowns. It could mean dropping out of the race altogether.

In the same way, you might not realize just how much denying yourself that exhale—to play, to reward yourself freely—is costing you. It clouds your focus at work. It strains your relationships. That unmet need to create and enjoy doesn’t vanish. It builds up, and if not listened to, can create larger problems down the road like angry blow ups, burnout, avoidance of important problems, relationship stress and chronic pain.

Honor Needs Openly for Balance

Imagine honoring that need openly, without the sneakiness or shame. Picture building it right into your week—like scheduling an evening walk where your mind can wander, or dedicating time to a creative pursuit that brings a genuine smile.

Treat it as non-negotiable, just like a key meeting or a workout. As Winnecott, a British psychologist, once observed, “It is in playing and only in playing that the individual child or adult is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self.”

The Emotional Habit that’s Impacting Your Sleep

This pattern is a step-by-step emotional process where your drive to be always productive collides with a quieter, more authentic urge for down time, leading to an exhausting back-and-forth that gives you neither. This often traces back to early habits of always putting others first, shaping a pattern where your own needs feel secondary.

Here’s what’s unfolding inside:

Constant Demands Build Up: Your day starts with a whirlwind of responsibilities—leading teams, solving problems, supporting family—where you’re always tuning yourself to fit what others need. It’s like wearing a mask of efficiency and reliability, but over time, this nonstop accommodation leaves little room for your own unfiltered thoughts or whims. By nightfall, you’re craving a break from this role, a space where you don’t have to adjust or perform.
Personal Space Rebellion Emerges: As the house quiets down, that suppressed part of you stirs—a need for autonomy, for time that’s purely yours to let your mind drift or explore without agenda. It’s not laziness; it’s your creative self pushing back, seeking a moment of uninterrupted being where you can feel whole and alive, not fragmented by constant demands.
Self-Doubt and Fragmentation Intrude: Just as you start to relax into it, the critical voice kicks in: “You should be productive or sleeping—this is selfish.” This clash creates an inner fracture, where guilt amplifies the tension, turning what could be restorative into something anxious and draining. You feel scattered, like pieces of yourself are pulling in opposite directions, leading to that numb, unproductive limbo.
Grey Zone Stalemate Persists: Stuck in the middle, you default to safe but empty habits like doom-scrolling, which mimic freedom without delivering real joy or rest. The tug-of-war drags on, eroding your energy and leaving you frustrated, as neither side “wins”—you don’t get the sleep you need, nor the genuine recharge your inner self is begging for.
Guilt wins: You finally tell yourself you’ve really messed up, and that you need to be better about getting to bed at a good time. You chastise yourself, and head off to bed dreading how tired you’ll be tomorrow, wishing you hadn’t been so selfish… only to start at #1 again in the morning.

Guilt Blocks Progress, Not Your Need for Down Time

The biggest hurdle to your sleep?

It’s NOT your need for down time.

This is where we need to get it right. Your need to relax and recoup, to access your creative self, is not the problem. The problem is that you’re not respecting your valid need for a break to yourself, and when you do, it’s crowded out by guilt.

That nagging guilt. It whispers that taking time for yourself is indulgent, that real leaders push through without “frivolous” breaks. Maybe it stems from early lessons about hard work equaling worth, or from seeing colleagues who seem to never slow down. Whatever the root, it keeps you locked in the tug-of-war, afraid that embracing your need to just be means dropping the ball elsewhere. But here’s the truth: ignoring that need doesn’t make it go away; it just manifests in ways that harm you more, like poor sleep, burnout, and that sense of inner unraveling.

Guilt is that root problem. If you didn’t have guilt, you might plan a reasonable time to enjoy yourself. Even a half hour doing something you truly enjoy *without guilt* is rewarding. But waffling back and forth all night leaves you both unsatisfied and more exhausted.

Guilty Self-Talk vs. Healthy Alternatives

Guilty Phrase	Healthy Alternative
“I should be sleeping instead of this.”	“I deserve this moment to unwind and recharge.”
“This time is such a waste— I need to be more disciplined.”	“Taking time for myself now will make me sharper tomorrow.”
“Why do I always sabotage myself like this?”	“It’s okay to honor my need for autonomy.”
“Real professionals don’t need personal time; they just power through.”	“Play and rest are essential for my long-term success.”

Depth Therapy Offers Support

Therapy offers a gentle path forward. In these conversations, you explore the origins of that inner conflict in a safe, supportive space—no judgments, just curiosity. It’s about uncovering why you’ve learned to prioritize accommodation over your own creative flow. It’s also about rediscovering the freedom to exist without constant interruption or self-reproach.

You’ll learn to quiet the critical voice and build a stronger sense of permission, allowing your true self to surface without the anxiety of fragmentation. Many find that as they delve deeper, sleep improves naturally, energy returns, and life feels less like a constant pull and more like a harmonious flow. Reaching out to a therapist could be the kindest step you take for yourself.

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FAQ

What causes poor sleep hygiene for busy professionals?

For busy professionals who struggles to sleep at the end of the day, poor hygiene is often a conflict between daily demands and the need for personal autonomy, leading to guilt and unproductive habits that disrupt sleep.

How can professionals incorporate downtime without guilt?

Start by scheduling short, intentional breaks for enjoyable activities earlier in the evening, treating them as essential for overall well-being and performance.

When should someone consider psychotherapy for sleep issues?

Consider psychotherapy if guilt around self-care feels persistent and impacts sleep, work, or relationships, as it helps explore and resolve underlying conflicts.

What are quick ways to improve sleep hygiene?

Establish a consistent bedtime routine, limit screen time before bed, and create a calm sleep environment free from distractions.

How does poor sleep affect professional performance?

It can lead to reduced focus, decision-making errors, and increased stress, ultimately impacting productivity and relationships.

Anxiety, Managing emotions, Parenting, Somatic Exercises

Your Teen Overwhelmed by Back-to-School Anxiety? 3 Signs, 3 Parenting Pitfalls, and 3 Ways to Help Your Teen Succeed

Written by Addy Sonneland

Picture your teen pacing the kitchen the night before school starts, clutching their stomach and snapping at small questions, their usual spark dimmed by worry. As summer ends and routines resume in Pasadena, anxiety surges, overwhelming many adolescents with restlessness or tears. Back-to-school transitions stir deep fears in teens, from social pressures to academic demands.

In this post, we’ll explore 3 common symptoms teens show from back-to-school anxiety, explaining each with real examples and internal dynamics via interpersonal neurobiology and adolescent development research. Then, we’ll cover common parent missteps that heighten anxiety and effective strategies to support without removing stressors. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more resilient kids—let’s begin.

Sign #1: Physical Complaints Signal Back-to-School Anxiety

Parents often notice teens complaining of headaches, stomachaches, or muscle tension as school approaches, turning mornings into battles of persuasion. One Reddit parent shared, “My 13-year-old woke up with stomach cramps every day last week, saying ‘I can’t face school’—it’s clearly nerves about new teachers.” Social media posts describe “teens faking sick to skip the bus,” with symptoms like nausea peaking during back-to-school prep, disrupting family flow. These physical signs can linger into afternoons, with teens rubbing temples or curling up, signaling deep unease.

These bodily responses reflect a nervous system on high alert. Anxiety triggers the body’s stress response, releasing cortisol that manifests as pain. This is partially because the brain’s prefrontal cortex, responsible for regulation, is still maturing. Research from a 2023 CDC study shows 1 in 3 teens experience somatic symptoms from school-related stress, as the developing brain prioritizes survival over comfort. Internally, they’re wrestling with perceived threats—new social hierarchies or academic rigor—needing a safe outlet to process.

Sign #2: Avoidance Behaviors Reflect School Anxiety Struggles

Some teens resist attending school, faking illness or begging to stay home, transforming daily routines into emotional standoffs. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My 15-year-old refuses to get out of bed, claiming ‘I’m too sick’—it’s really panic about cliques and tests every morning.” X examples include “teens melting down at drop-off,” with avoidance escalating to missed days, leaving parents torn between discipline and concern. This can extend to avoiding homework or social events, creating a ripple of tension.

From an interpersonal neurobiology lens, avoidance stems from the amygdala hijacking the brain’s executive functions, perceiving school as a danger zone due to unfamiliarity or past bullying. Adolescent development research from a 2023 McLean Hospital study indicates hormonal shifts heighten this fight-or-flight response in 5-10% of anxious teens, as the still-developing prefrontal cortex struggles to override fear. Internally, they’re stuck in a loop of dread, needing a bridge back to safety without force.

Sign #3: Irritability Means Hidden Back-to-School Anxiety

Anxiety often surfaces as irritability, with teens snapping at siblings or parents over trivial issues, disrupting home harmony. One Reddit parent recounted, “My 14-year-old explodes after school—yelling about homework or a messy room, but it’s really ‘what if I fail?’ fears spilling out.” Social media posts describe “teens slamming doors post-bus,” with daily “mood swings” from unspoken worries, leaving families navigating a minefield of emotions.

Interpersonally, this reflects an immature emotional regulation system, where the limbic system’s reactivity outpaces prefrontal control, per a 2023 APA study noting a 30% rise in teen irritability during school transitions. Developmentally, puberty’s hormonal surge amplifies this, turning anxiety into a pressure cooker that bursts with frustration. Internally, they’re overwhelmed by new demands, needing a release valve for pent-up stress.

Common Parent Missteps That Worsen Teen Anxiety Symptoms

Well-meaning parents can unintentionally heighten teen anxiety through reactive or protective responses, creating unintended harm. These missteps often stem from a desire to alleviate distress but end up reinforcing dependency or fear.

1. Over-Functioning and Babying Teens

Taking over tasks like completing homework or driving them to avoid school amplifies reliance, as a 2023 Mott Children’s study found 25% increased dependence when parents over-function. For example, a parent might say, “I’ll do your project—don’t worry,” leaving the teen feeling incapable, deepening anxiety about facing challenges alone.

2. Becoming Cold and Punitive

Responding with harshness, like “Stop whining and go to school!” triggers more fear, per a 2023 Bryson-led study showing 40% increased dysregulation with punishment. A parent might ground a teen for avoidance, escalating tension—imagine a teen retreating further, feeling rejected instead of supported.

3. Ignoring Emotional Cues

Dismissing complaints with “It’s just nerves, get over it” invalidates their experience, per a 2024 AACAP report linking ignored emotions to 30% higher stress. For instance, brushing off a stomachache might push a teen to bottle up fears, worsening internal chaos.

These pitfalls trap teens in anxiety loops, where overprotection or punishment erodes their ability to self-regulate, leaving parents frustrated and teens more overwhelmed.

Effective Parent Strategies to Support Anxious Teens Without Removing Stressors

Instead of fixing problems, parents can empower teens to navigate anxiety with supportive strategies, fostering resilience and independence while maintaining safety.

1. Offer a Calm Presence for Emotional Regulation

Be a steady anchor, modeling deep breaths during overwhelm to integrate their nervous system—try “Let’s breathe together when it feels big.” A 2024 Compass Health study shows 40% reduced avoidance with this co-regulation, helping teens feel secure to face school.

2. Validate Feelings and Co-Create Solutions

Sit with their emotions, saying “This is tough—how can we tackle it?” to co-create plans, per a 2024 AACAP guide cutting stress by 30% with autonomy. For example, brainstorm a morning checklist together, giving them ownership while easing transition fears.

3. Encourage Structured Outlets for Expression

Guide them to outlets like journaling or sports, offering “Want to write it out or kick a ball?” A 2024 Cedars-Sinai report notes 35% fewer outbursts with structured release, building skills to process anxiety independently.

Parenting Strategy	Example	Effect on Child	Reference
Offer a Calm Presence	“Let’s take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed about school.”	40% reduced avoidance	2024 Compass Health study
Validate Feelings and Co-Create	“I see you’re worried—let’s plan your morning together.”	30% stress reduction	2024 AACAP guide
Encourage Structured Outlets	“Want to journal or play soccer to unwind after school?”	35% fewer outbursts	2024 Cedars-Sinai study
Over-Functioning and Babying	“I’ll do your project—don’t worry.”	25% increased dependence	2023 Mott Children’s study
Becoming Cold and Punitive	“Stop whining and go to school!”	40% increased dysregulation	2023 Bryson-led study
Ignoring Emotional Cues	“It’s just nerves, get over it.”	30% higher stress	2024 AACAP report

Guidelines for Seeking Therapy: When Teen Anxiety Warrants Professional Support

Normal anxiety fades; persistent symptoms need attention. Seek therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, disrupting school or sleep (e.g., refusal, insomnia); physical complaints persist; or self-harm thoughts emerge, per 2023 AACAP guidelines. Early intervention prevents escalation—Pasadena therapists like Here Counseling offer specialized support.

Supporting Teen Transitions: Therapy Eases Back-to-School Anxiety

These challenges are growth opportunities—understanding fosters empathy. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we help families through somatic therapy for calm integration.

Ready to support your teen? Contact Here Counseling today—brighter days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Anxiety Symptoms

What are common anxiety symptoms in teens returning to school?

Common symptoms include physical complaints, avoidance behaviors, and irritability; they arise from anxiety overwhelming the nervous system during transitions.

How does anxiety cause physical symptoms in teens?

Anxiety triggers bodily distress like headaches as the nervous system overreacts; research shows this peaks during school stress, needing calm support to ease.

Why do anxious teens avoid school?

Avoidance stems from anxiety viewing school as a threat; developmental studies link this to fear responses, eased by gradual exposure with empathy.

What causes teen irritability from school anxiety?

Irritability is anxiety’s overflow from stress; adolescent brain changes amplify this, requiring patience and outlets to restore balance.

When to seek therapy for teen back-to-school anxiety?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist 2+ weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm; early help like counseling prevents escalation per AACAP guidelines.

Addy Sonneland, Somatic Therapy

Hi, I’m Addy. I work with teens and families to break cycles of anxiety. Helping teens heal from anxiety means working on more than just thoughts—it’s also about teaching their bodies to feel safe and regulated. Using somatic therapy techniques, I guide teens in noticing and shifting what’s happening inside, so they can break free from old patterns and discover their innate strengths. We work together with their families to create new ways of relating and supporting each other, building patterns that serve them for a lifetime of confidence, resilience, and connection.

Learn more about teen therapy with Addy

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Why Conflict Feels Like Danger: How to Avoid the 4 Survival Modes in Your Relationships

Written by juliawilson

Conflict with someone you care about leaves you overwhelmed. You shut down and can’t find any words. Or you raise your voice louder than you wanted to. Whatever the reaction, you feel out of control—and afterward, you’re left wondering: what just happened?

It can feel inevitable—like you always hit a point in your relationships where something takes over and you disconnect. This is what happens when your body goes into survival mode.

But you don’t have to stay stuck there.

You can begin to understand what’s happening in your body—and take steps toward a new response. Let’s explore what survival mode looks like, how it impacts your relationships, and how you can begin to change these patterns with compassion and care.

What is Survival Mode?

Imagine this:

Your partner raises their voice, and you immediately shut down. Or a car cuts you off in traffic, and suddenly you’re yelling at your partner in the passenger seat. These are examples of your nervous system activating your survival response.

When we perceive danger—whether physical or emotional—our bodies automatically respond. This is called the acute stress response, or more commonly, survival mode. It’s a built-in, physiological reaction to help us survive a threat. Our sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and epinephrine, leading to responses like a racing heart, hypervigilance, or shutting down completely. (Simply Psychology).

Research has shown that there are four common acute stress or ‘survival mode’ responses when our bodies perceive a threat: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are the nervous system’s way of protecting you—designed to help you avoid danger and return to a sense of safety and calm.

Ready to Break the Cycle of Conflict?

Explore how therapy can help you move past survival mode and into connection. Work with a compassionate Los Angeles therapist who understands trauma and relationships.

4 Most Common Survival Mode Responses:

Let’s take a closer look at what each response can look like—both physically and emotionally.

Fight

This response pushes against the perceived threat. It can feel like:

Clenched jaw or tight muscles
Urge to yell, throw, or hit something
Sudden, intense anger
Feeling knots in your stomach
Mentally attacking the other person (or yourself)

In relationships, it might show up as criticism, yelling, or defensiveness.

Flight

This response tries to escape the danger, physically or emotionally. It can look like:

Restlessness or panic
Leaving the room (or relationship) mid-conflict
Avoiding conversations that feel tense
Feeling trapped, and needing space—now

Freeze

This is the body’s “shut down” mode. It can feel like:

Going blank or dissociating
Inability to speak or respond
Physically freezing in place
Numbness or disconnection from the moment

You might walk away from a conversation and not even remember what was said.

Fawn

This response tries to please the perceived threat in order to avoid danger. It can show up as:

People-pleasing or over-apologizing
Dismissing your own needs to keep the peace
Going along with something you don’t agree with
Feeling anxious to prevent conflict before it starts

Often, this pattern develops when relational conflict historically felt unsafe.

Why Do Conflict Patterns Repeat?

A ‘stressful’ situation for ourselves means that the environmental demands exceed our perceived ability to manage the demands. Our bodies are not great timekeepers. If something today feels like a past threat—even unconsciously—your body may respond as though it’s still in danger. This is part of what makes trauma and early relational wounds so impactful: our nervous system learns what feels dangerous and adapts accordingly.

For instance, if you were bullied on the playground in fourth grade, your body might associate certain tones of voice or group settings with danger. Fast forward to adulthood: your coworker raises their voice, and your body instantly activates the same response—maybe rage, shutdown, or people-pleasing—even though the present situation isn’t truly dangerous.

Our survival response is designed to protect us, automatically activating in the face of perceived danger. However, past experiences can cause this threat response to be triggered in situations that aren’t actually unsafe. When this happens, our bodies react as if we’re under threat—even when we’re not and create misunderstanding and disconnection.

Four ways survival mode impacts conflict in your relationships.

Here are four ways these patterns might play out in your relationships:

Fight: You feel like you can’t control your anger.

Conflict can trigger an intense urge to lash out—verbally or emotionally. Anger, in itself, isn’t bad. It’s often trying to protect a boundary. But when it feels disproportionate or automatic, it might be a survival response from your nervous system.

Flight: You leave.

You might physically leave the room—or emotionally check out. You may even leave relationships quickly at the first sign of tension. It’s not that you don’t care. Your body is trying to protect you from danger.

Freeze: You get stuck.

You can’t find the words. Your mind goes blank. Your body feels numb or disconnected. Later, you might wonder, Why didn’t I say anything? This is your nervous system hitting the pause button to keep you safe.

Fawn: You don’t express your own needs.

To keep the peace, you give in. You prioritize the other person’s comfort, even if it costs you your voice. Your body has learned that being agreeable is safer than being authentic.

When the stress response is activated too often, we experience negative physiological consequences. And as shown above, they can negatively impact our relationships. Because these responses are automatic, it’s easy to feel helpless. You might experience a sense that you just can’t control this! This feeling makes sense. And I want to offer hope – our bodies can relearn.

Three tips for what to do when you go into survival mode.

When our bodies are in long-term states of stress, anything not needed for immediate survival is placed on the back burner. Things like digestion, immune system, and tissue repair are temporarily paused. The goal is to develop awareness of response activation and then bring yourself back to baseline.

These responses are not your fault—and you are not stuck. Your body can relearn new ways of responding. Here are three starting points:

Understand your triggers.

Begin by getting curious. One way to start to understand your triggers is to recognize when your body is in a heightened state. This requires awareness of the physiological state of your body. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

When do I feel out of control of my reactions?
What patterns do I notice in my body during the day?
When did this feeling start? What happened just before?

This is just a list to begin noticing how your body feels throughout the ebbs and flows of each day. After you start noticing activation in your body, start to wonder – when did this start? What might have caused this? By becoming aware of your body’s cues, you can begin to gently trace them back to possible triggers—and offer yourself more understanding and choice.

Come up with a plan.

Now that you’ve started to notice when your body feels heightened and the trigger it might be connected to, we can start to come up with a plan.

It’s okay if your body reacts. What we can grow in is our ability to self-regulate. The goal isn’t to never get activated. It’s to build tools to regulate once you are. Try:

A few deep breaths or grounding exercises
A short walk outside
Calling someone who helps you feel safe
Gentle movement like yoga or stretching
Journaling or naming your emotions out loud

Find support.

Relearning your stress responses takes time. It is best done in connection, not isolation. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or your relationship with a Divine other, healing grows in safe relationships.

Ask yourself:

Who helps me feel grounded?
What would it be like to share what I’m learning?
Where could I get support in this process?

What works may change over time. That’s okay. The most important part is that as your awareness grows, so does your ability to offer your body more possibilities. More safety, more options, more home.

These stress responses tell a story—a story your body is still holding. And while they’ve served a purpose, they don’t have to define your future.

You want to better understanding how survival mode is impacting your relationships.

I’d love to walk with you. You can relearn safety. You can build new patterns. And you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out today.

Julia Wilson, MA

Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

Learn about therapy with Julia

Sources:

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

People Pleasing? How to Make Your Own Decisions When It Causes Conflict

Written by juliawilson

Sometimes, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. It’s easy, instead, to wonder about the rippling effects your choice will have on others. You lie awake at night with racing thoughts, you do a bunch of research, you might even ask ChatGPT, but you wish you could make decisions painlessly. This can leave us wondering what to do when others express an opinion about our lives. You feel out of control, and like whatever you decide is a lose-lose. This feeling is normal, and it’s telling us something.

The real problem is not that you can’t decide; it’s that obstacles are getting in the way. Making a decision is about listening to yourself and trusting your communication with others. When done well, it doesn’t involve exorbitant effort. Decision-making can look painless. Let us explore obstacles to decision-making and then ideas for making your own decisions so that you can find peace today.

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Three obstacles to making your own decisions

We all make hundreds of decisions every day. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck with a certain decision. Something is interfering with your intuition. Here are 3 categories for the obstacles that are blocking you from making the decision:

1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.

It’s a terrible feeling to disappoint someone you care about. Behind this feeling is a fear that people will leave. You feel that you cannot make this decision without losing people you care about. When we are scared, people will abandon us, decisions become paralyzing.

2. You fear disappointing yourself.

What if you make a decision and it turns out horribly? You’ve probably thought of this, of course. Your mind might run on all the terrible ways this thing could turn out. It feels as if you make the ‘wrong’ decision, you will not only have failed at this specific thing, but you will prove to yourself that you are a failure. This feeling is shame. When we feel the pressure of shame rise, it interferes with our ability to make a decision.

3. You’re checked out.

You’re worried you’ll make a decision, and things won’t work out again. You’ll put yourself out there, and you’ll be disappointed, so you don’t decide. Instead, you tell yourself you don’t care. You’re left feeling disconnected from yourself and what you really want. When we are unable to name and claim our desires, making a decision is difficult.

Three ideas for how to make your own decisions

You want to be more confident in your decision-making process because the process you’re using right now just isn’t working. Here are a few ideas to help you think through your own process for making difficult decisions when they cause you conflict:

1. Connect to yourself

We make decisions from the people that we are. This means that our decisions are deeply connected to our values and desires. Sometimes we are consciously aware of our values and desires, but other times they operate unconsciously. This means that we need to ground ourselves in order to be more connected to those values and desires. It might feel silly, but I believe some of these practices, practices that help you connect with yourself, can play a helpful role in making a decision.

What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:

Mindfulness
Journaling
Making art
Listening to or playing music
Gathering around a meal with loved ones
Walking or other forms of exercise
Planting a garden

As you engage with practices that connect you to yourself, notice how you are feeling and what you want. If you experience barriers to connecting with yourself, what are they? How might you acknowledge them without judgment and remove them?

2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it

Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:

Panic
Fear
Self-doubt
Anxiety
Excitement
Dread

These emotions might impact our sleep. You might feel like you have a shorter fuse. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are common. In fact, they are very normal. What’s important is that you learn to practice an acceptance of these feelings.

Often, when this flood of emotions comes, we feel a push and pull of excitement and dread. Ambivalence is like you are at a crossroads, and both paths have wildflowers and weeds. Ambivalence is often heightened when a decision you are making causes conflict.

If you are conflict-avoidant, the mere possibility of conflict may sway you towards a certain side of the decision. If the type of conflict the outcome of this decision might cause seems particularly stressful, the anticipation of these feelings is likely impacting your experience of making the decision.

What you can do:

In all of our decision-making processes, whether or not we acknowledge them, we experience certain feelings throughout. One way to ensure that we both honor our feelings and help them guide us healthily is through the acknowledgement and acceptance of these feelings. As you reflect honestly on what ambivalent emotions you may be feeling, pretend that each feeling is a signal. What might it be signaling you towards? For example, if one of the feelings that comes up is fear, specifically fear of a loved one’s response, the signal might be to create a plan for how to communicate either the fear or the decision outcome to that person.

You might dread telling people your decision, and creating conflict feels like the last thing you want to do. But here’s why it’s important and how you can do it.

Plan out how you are going to boundary your conversation. These boundaries involve time – how much time are you willing to have a conversation for? These boundaries also involve what you are going to communicate. How much information are you going to share? Do you want to let them into your decision-making process or simply tell them the outcome? You get to choose the medium of communication. In a professional relationship, does this require an email or a phone call? What about a more personal relationship? Do you want to communicate this in person or over FaceTime?

Reclaim Your Voice & Choices

Struggling with conflict from saying “no”? Our therapists help you prioritize your needs without guilt.

Quick Conversation Tips to Consider:

Before the conversation, check in with your emotional readiness—are you regulated enough to hold your ground without engaging in old patterns?
Remind yourself how you arrived at this decision and the hard work you put into it. Tell yourself that you worked hard and can trust yourself.
Think about what you might need after the conversation. Do you need time to decompress? A walk? Support from someone else? Planning for post-conversation care can help you recover and reset.

It’s okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the decision-making process. If you’re feeling scared to share your decision with people you care about, you’re not alone. I help people just like you. We can help you learn how to navigate the intense emotions that come with decisions that cause conflict. Click below and schedule a free consultation today.

Learn about Therapy with Julia

Sources: Psychology Today Staff. (2025). Decision-making. Decision-Making. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/decision-making.

Anxiety, Neurology, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Understanding Your Body’s Signals: A Neurologic Physical Therapist’s Insights on Pain, Healing, and Hope

Written by herecounseling

Living with unexplained dizziness, tremors, or weakness can feel like a daily battle. You might wake up dreading the moment you turn your head, fearing that spinning sensation will return. Or perhaps your hands shake when you reach for a cup, and you wonder if it’s all in your head—or if something’s seriously wrong. These symptoms can make you feel trapped, isolated, and desperate for answers.

At Casa Colina Hospital in Pomona, neurologic physical therapist Dan Humphrey works with people just like you, helping them navigate neurologic and somatic symptoms to reclaim their lives. In a recent podcast, Dan shared profound insights about how our bodies process pain, the power of neuroplasticity, and the surprising connection between mind and body. Here are the key lessons to help you understand your symptoms and find a path forward.

Your Body Is Speaking—Are You Listening?

Discover how neurologic physical therapy can decode your pain, promote healing, and restore hope to your journey.

Lesson 1: Your Brain Can Rewire Itself to Heal

If you’re struggling with symptoms like dizziness or weakness after a stroke, brain injury, or even stress, it’s easy to feel like your body is broken. But Dan emphasizes the incredible power of neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to adapt and rewire itself. “We’re really relying on the neuroplasticity of the brain, the ability of the brain to change,” Dan explains. This means that even if part of your brain is damaged, nearby areas can step in to help, like borrowing strength from a neighboring bridge strut when one is weakened.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms don’t have to define you forever. Through targeted exercises and strategies, a neurologic physical therapist can guide your brain to form new pathways. For example, if you’ve lost strength in one hand after a stroke, practicing tasks like writing with that hand—even when it feels exhausting—can retrain your brain. Ask yourself: What small, meaningful task (like holding a pen or walking to the mailbox) could you practice to start this rewiring process?

Lesson 2: Pain and Symptoms Often Have Emotional Roots

You might feel your symptoms physically—shaking, dizziness, or numbness—but Dan’s work reveals that these can stem from emotional or psychological stress, especially in conditions like functional neurologic disorder (FND). He describes a patient who felt unsteady months after an ear infection cleared, driven by fear that moving her head would trigger vertigo again. “This was fear avoidant behavior,” Dan notes, treated through gradual exposure to movement, like picking up objects from the floor. This isn’t “all in your head” in a dismissive way—your brain’s fear response is amplifying real physical sensations.

What This Means for You: If you avoid activities like bending over or going outside because you’re scared of triggering symptoms, your brain might be stuck in a protective mode. This doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real; it means your nervous system is on high alert. Working with a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or habituation techniques can help you safely face these triggers. Try this: Next time you feel a symptom flare, pause and ask, “Am I feeling anxious or unsafe?” Naming the emotion can be a first step to calming your body’s response.

Lesson 3: Meaningful Goals Make Healing Possible

Rehabilitation can feel grueling, especially when symptoms make everyday tasks daunting. Dan stresses that healing happens when you have a reason to push through. He worked with a patient with a spinal cord injury who loved fishing, so therapy focused on getting him back on a boat—not fixing his injury entirely, but enabling what mattered most. “How can we still get you doing the things that you care about?” Dan asks. This salience, or personal importance, drives your brain to adapt.

What This Means for You: Think about what you miss most—writing a note to a loved one, playing with your kids, or even gardening. These goals give your brain a “why” to rewire itself. Share these with your therapist so they can tailor exercises to what lights you up. For instance, if you want to write birthday cards again, practicing hand movements with that goal in mind can feel less like a chore and more like a step toward joy. What’s one activity you’d love to reclaim, and how could you start practicing it today?

Lesson 4: Your Mind and Body Are Inseparable

You might feel frustrated when doctors can’t find a clear cause for your symptoms on a scan, or worse, suggest it’s “psychological.” Dan challenges this outdated separation of mind and body, rooted in historical ideas from philosophers like Plato. Modern science shows “very real interactions between the mind and body that require treatment in both senses,” he says. For example, a woman with tremors had no physical cause on tests, but her symptoms eased when Dan helped her face feared movements in a safe space, reducing her brain’s stress response.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms might feel purely physical, but stress, trauma, or anxiety can amplify them. This isn’t your fault—it’s how your brain prioritizes threats. A holistic approach, combining physical therapy with mental health support, can address both sides. If you’re told “it’s all in your head,” seek providers who validate your experience and offer tools like graded exposure or mindfulness. Reflect: Could talking to a counselor about stress or past trauma complement your physical therapy?

Lesson 5: You Have the Power to Take Charge

It’s easy to feel helpless when symptoms persist, especially if you’ve tried treatments that didn’t work. Dan believes in self-efficacy—empowering you to drive your own recovery. He tells patients, “I didn’t do anything. I just bossed you around!” to emphasize their role in their success. For one patient, suggesting she find her own path outside his care sparked a shift toward ownership. “The work’s been done… This for the rest is up to you,” Dan says.

What This Means for You: You’re not just a passenger in your healing journey. Small choices—like doing prescribed exercises, asking questions about your treatment, or exploring new therapies—build confidence. If a provider’s approach isn’t clicking, it’s okay to seek someone who resonates with you. A strong therapeutic alliance, where you feel heard and supported, can make all the difference. Try this: Write down one question to ask your doctor or therapist at your next visit to feel more in control.

Healing Starts With Understanding

Learn how personalized care from a neurologic physical therapist can help you reconnect with your body and regain your life.

A Path Forward for Your Healing

Your symptoms—whether dizziness, tremors, or unexplained pain—are real, and they’re your body’s way of signaling that it needs help. As Dan Humphrey’s work shows, healing isn’t just about fixing a broken part; it’s about teaching your brain new ways to move, calming its fear responses, and reconnecting with what makes life meaningful. Your brain is adaptable, your emotions are valid, and you have the strength to take charge.

If you’re ready to explore these ideas, consider reaching out to a neurologic physical therapist or a mental health professional who understands the mind-body connection. At Casa Colina, experts like Dan are dedicated to helping you rebuild independence, one meaningful step at a time. What’s the first step you’ll take today to listen to your body and start healing?

Our Pasadena Therapists

Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions

How Does Trauma Change my Brain? Discover How Your Brain is Built to Heal

Written by herecounseling

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on your life—maybe you’re on edge all the time, or it’s hard to feel like yourself. You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Trauma changes how your brain works, but here’s the good news: your brain can heal. This blog is for anyone thinking about starting trauma therapy. We’ll answer common questions you might have about what trauma does to your brain, why it feels so overwhelming, and how therapy can help you take back control.

Questions about how trauma impacts your brain:

Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?
Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?
Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?
How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?
Can my brain really heal from trauma?
How can therapy help my brain process trauma?
How does trauma affect my focus, relationships, or health?

Trauma Reshapes the Brain—But So Can Healing

Explore how your brain is wired for recovery and how therapy can help you reclaim peace and balance.

Q1: Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?

Our brains are shaped by our experiences, especially emotional and social ones. The prefrontal cortex, a key part of your brain, helps you feel safe and navigate relationships. It prioritizes learning how relationships work and what can go wrong. When you’ve experienced significant emotional or relational trauma, your brain shows some general changes. You might notice reduced activity in the prefrontal areas, which help with reasoning and emotional control, and hyper-arousal in limbic areas, like the amygdala, which signal danger.

This hyper-arousal means your brain is constantly anticipating a catastrophe, much like someone with a past back injury who stays tense to protect themselves. You might feel hyper-vigilant, always watching for the next “attack.” This makes it hard to regulate emotions, which involves both sides of your frontal lobe—areas responsible for narration, language, reason, morality, comfort, and inhibition. These areas need a lot of energy, and when you’re in a fight-or-flight state, it’s tough to access them without help from caring people.

Memory is affected too. Forming memories often requires your frontal lobe to focus attention, but trauma can make this difficult. Your hippocampus, which helps store memories, shows reduced activity, and old fear patterns take over. Here’s what this might look like:

What You Might Feel	What’s Happening in Your Brain	Brain Area Involved
Constantly on edge or jumpy	Your brain’s alarm system is overly active	Amygdala
Struggling to control emotions	The “calm down” part is overwhelmed	Prefrontal Cortex
Memory gaps or feeling disconnected	Stress disrupts your memory storage	Hippocampus

These changes vary depending on the trauma and your support system, both then and now.

What this looks like day-to-day

If you feel panicked in crowded places, it might be your amygdala overreacting, like a car alarm going off at a leaf falling.

What the research says

Shin et al. (2005) found increased amygdala activity and decreased prefrontal cortex activation in PTSD, explaining hyper-vigilance and emotional struggles. A functional magnetic resonance imaging study of amygdala and medial prefrontal cortex responses to overtly presented fearful faces in posttraumatic stress disorder

Quick tips on trauma, emotions, and memory:

Trauma reduces activity in your prefrontal cortex, making emotional control harder.
Hyper-active limbic areas keep you on edge, anticipating danger.
Memory formation suffers due to stress on the hippocampus.
Support from others can help your brain recover.

Q2: Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?

There’s a big difference between one-time trauma and ongoing trauma in how your brain learns to develop, manage information, and respond. A single event, like a car accident or a betrayal, creates specific issues that don’t usually spread to every part of your life. For example, if you had a secure childhood with supportive mentors but experienced a car crash, you might get anxious about driving but not feel generally unsafe.

Chronic trauma, like ongoing childhood maltreatment, tends to generalize, affecting how your brain organizes and responds to all information. Daniel Stern, a developmental psychologist, called these “Representations of Interactions that have been Generalized” (RIGs). The earlier and more pervasive the trauma, the more it shapes your mental activity. For instance, if you faced abandonment before age two, it’s more likely to develop into a personality disorder. Later one-time events might lead to something like depression or specific fears instead.

What experts say about early trauma

“The infant’s experience is organized by repeated interactions with caregivers, forming generalized representations that shape future expectations.” – Daniel Stern, The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985) [https://www.basicbooks.com/titles/daniel-n-stern/the-interpersonal-world-of-the-infant/9780465095897/]

Chronic trauma in early life can make you expect danger everywhere, but even specific traumas can feel heavy—both can be worked through in therapy.

De Bellis (2002) showed that early maltreatment has lasting effects on brain development, supporting the idea of generalized impacts. Developmental traumatology: The psychobiological development of maltreated children and its implications for research, treatment, and policy

Quick tips on chronic trauma vs episodic trauma

One-time trauma creates specific triggers, like fear of driving after an accident.
Chronic trauma affects how your brain handles all information.
Early trauma, especially before age two, can lead to deeper issues like personality disorders.
Your unique experience shapes how trauma affects you.

Q3: Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?

Genetics are complex, and we’re just starting to understand them. Years ago, we thought genes directly controlled how our brains and bodies respond, but it’s more nuanced. Your lived experiences can influence how your genes are expressed and even affect what you pass on to your kids through epigenetics. Roughly, about 50% of how you respond to trauma is genetic, and 50% is your life experiences. But we might be overestimating the role of genetics—your environment, like the support you have, matters a lot.

For example, if you have a supportive friend or family member, it can make trauma feel less overwhelming. Without that, your brain might struggle more to process the stress.

True et al. (1993) estimated 30-40% heritability for PTSD, showing genetics play a role but not the whole story. A twin study of genetic and environmental contributions to liability for posttraumatic stress symptoms

For example, if you grew up with a loving caregiver, your brain might lean on that strength to cope with a later trauma, like a job loss, compared to someone without that support.

Quick tips on genetics and trauma

Genetics influence about half of how trauma affects you, but experiences are just as important.
Supportive relationships can lessen trauma’s impact.
Your unique background shapes your brain’s response.

Q4: How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?

Your brain’s chemical systems, like the HPA axis and neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine), play a big role in how trauma affects you. Serotonin, which we can think of as your “social belonging” system, helps you feel safe and resilient. When it’s low, you might feel disconnected or lonely. Dopamine is about agency and motivation—when it’s off, you might struggle to focus on goals or feel hopeful. Norepinephrine fuels your energy to respond to situations, but chronic stress can exhaust this system, leading to what’s sometimes called adrenal fatigue, where you feel drained and overwhelmed.

For example, in a fight-or-flight state, your HPA axis might be overworked, leaving you feeling wired but tired. Therapy can help by restoring safety, which lets these systems recover.

Yehuda (2002) noted HPA axis changes in PTSD, linking chronic stress to exhaustion. Post-traumatic stress disorder

Feeling tired or disconnected isn’t just “in your head”—it’s your brain’s chemistry reacting to stress, and therapy can help balance it.

Quick tips on trauma and brain chemistry

Low serotonin can make you feel disconnected from others.
Low dopamine reduces motivation and focus.
Overworked norepinephrine and HPA axis lead to adrenal fatigue.
Safety through therapy helps these systems recover.

Q5: Can my brain really heal from trauma?

Yes, your brain can heal through neuroplasticity, its ability to adapt and reorganize. When you’re younger, your brain is more flexible, quickly adapting to your environment. But even as an adult, this capacity fluctuates. When you feel fearful and alone, your brain becomes less open to new information—it’s like it’s locked in survival mode. But when you feel safe and secure, your brain can afford the energy to reorganize and heal. Social relationships, like those with a therapist or loved ones, are key to making this happen.

Davidson & McEwen (2012) found that social support promotes neuroplasticity, aiding recovery. Social influences on neuroplasticity: Stress and interventions to promote well-being

For example, imagine your brain like a garden path—trauma might have worn it down, but therapy is like planting new seeds with someone guiding you.

Quick tips on healing from trauma and neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity lets your brain adapt and heal.
Feeling safe with others makes your brain more flexible.
Therapy creates the conditions for healing.

Q6: How can therapy help my brain process trauma?

Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) help your brain heal. EMDR promotes safety through its structured approach, oscillating between facing painful memories and returning to a calm state. This helps your brain process trauma through bilateral stimulation, though some studies suggest the real benefit comes from the therapist’s ability to co-regulate with you—helping you feel safe enough to process overwhelming emotions. The therapist’s presence is like borrowing their calm to handle what feels too big alone.

Stickgold (2002) suggested EMDR’s bilateral stimulation mimics REM sleep, aiding memory processing. EMDR: A putative neurobiological mechanism of action

Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about helping your brain feel safe to engage in a natural healing mode.

Your Brain Can Heal—Let’s Begin That Journey

Understand the science of trauma and discover how compassionate therapy supports lasting transformation.

Quick tips on trauma therapy

EMDR helps by alternating between pain and safety, with the therapist’s support.
The therapeutic relationship is key to processing overwhelming emotions.
Safety helps you heal

Q7: How does trauma impact my brain’s structure?

Beyond the well-known brain areas, trauma affects other regions like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is shaped by secure mentorship and parenting. The ACC helps you lean into challenges, knowing you can bounce back. When trauma leaves you feeling alone, this area can become deficient, making you feel like all pain must be avoided or that there’s no way out. This can show up as trouble focusing (like in ADHD), difficulty trusting others, or even physical symptoms like chronic fatigue from stress.

For example, you might avoid social events because they feel overwhelming, or you might get sick more often because stress weakens your body. Therapy can help by rebuilding these brain areas, improving your focus, connections, and health.

Thomaes et al. (2013) found altered ACC function in complex PTSD, affecting emotion regulation and focus. Increased anterior cingulate cortex and hippocampus activation in Complex PTSD during encoding of negative words

For example, if you struggle to finish tasks because your mind feels scattered, it might be your ACC reacting to past trauma—but therapy can help you regain clarity.

Quick tips on trauma and brain structures

Trauma affects the ACC, making it hard to focus or face challenges.
This can lead to struggles with relationships or physical health.
Therapy helps rebuild these brain areas for better functioning.

Take the First Step with Trauma Therapy

Trauma may have changed your brain, but it doesn’t define you. With therapy, you can feel calmer, more connected, and in control again. If you’re thinking about starting trauma therapy, you’re already taking a brave step. Reach out to us (#) to learn how we can support your healing journey. You don’t have to do this alone—your brain is ready to heal, and we’re here to help.

Our Trauma Therapists

Trauma therapy in Pasadena exposure is essential

Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

Trauma Thrives in the Dark: Why You Need Exposure Therapy

Written by herecounseling

Trauma hurts. You know the ache of wanting to escape the pain, to silence the memories, or to build walls around the parts of your life that feel too overwhelming to face. It’s only natural to wish for a way to heal without having to relive the hurt—to somehow remove the trauma without ever looking at it again. But here’s the hard truth: healing from trauma requires confronting the pain. It’s not about avoiding or suppressing it; it’s about facing it head-on in a safe, supported way. This process, known as exposure, is the key to reclaiming your life from trauma’s grip.

In this article, we’ll explore why exposure is essential in trauma therapy, backed by the latest research and real-world examples. We’ll also look at why avoidance—though understandable—keeps trauma alive and how therapy can guide you through the process of healing.

“But why should I have to feel worse to feel better?”

When trauma strikes, the instinct to protect yourself is powerful. You might find yourself doing everything possible to avoid the pain—setting rigid boundaries around “toxic” triggers, numbing with substances or distractions, or even approaching therapy with the hope of silencing the hurt without ever truly facing it. These are common defenses, and they make sense. After all, who wouldn’t want to bypass the agony of reliving a traumatic experience? We wish we could “lobotomize” the trauma, excise it like a tumor, or create an impenetrable fortress around it so it never touches us again.

But avoidance, while offering temporary relief, keeps the trauma alive, festering beneath the surface. Let’s dive into some of the most common ways people try to sidestep their pain—and why these strategies, though well-intentioned, often backfire.

Face Trauma with Support—Not Fear

Exposure therapy helps you gently confront what you’ve been avoiding, in a safe and supportive space. Begin healing with an experienced therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena.

Common Ways People Avoid Confronting Trauma

1. Boundaries as Avoidance

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but when used to avoid trauma, they can become rigid barriers that limit your life more than they protect it. For example, someone who experienced abuse in a childhood home might refuse to visit their hometown, even if it means missing family gatherings or reconnecting with loved ones.

This avoidance extends beyond physical spaces—someone who survived a workplace assault might quit their job or avoid professional networking events, labeling them “unsafe.” While setting boundaries can feel empowering, overusing them to dodge trauma-related triggers shrinks your world, and doesn’t provide the intended relief. Instead of reclaiming agency, you hand control to the trauma, letting it dictate where you go and what you do, often leading to isolation or missed opportunities.

2. Addiction and Suppression

When trauma’s pain feels unbearable, many turn to substances or behaviors to numb it. Alcohol, drugs, overeating, or compulsive habits like gaming or social media scrolling can become ways to suppress emotions tied to trauma. For instance, a person haunted by memories of a car accident might drink heavily each evening to avoid intrusive thoughts, only to face heightened anxiety when sober. Another might throw themselves into work, filling every hour with tasks to escape the grief of a loss.

These habits offer a temporary escape, but they don’t resolve the trauma—they delay it. Over time, suppression can spiral into addiction, adding new layers of struggle that complicate healing and reinforce the trauma’s hold.

3. Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism where you refuse to acknowledge the trauma or its impact. Someone who endured childhood neglect might say, “My parents were busy—it didn’t affect me,” despite struggling with chronic distrust or low self-worth. A survivor of a natural disaster might insist, “I’m fine; I got through it,” while battling unexplained panic attacks. Denial feels like a way to stay strong, but it’s a fragile shield.

By burying the trauma, you allow it to manifest indirectly—through irritability, difficulty connecting with others, or even physical symptoms like insomnia. This avoidance prevents you from processing the experience, keeping the pain alive beneath a veneer of “everything’s okay.”

4. Intellectualization

Intellectualization involves focusing on the logical or factual aspects of trauma to avoid its emotional weight. A person who survived a violent incident might research crime statistics obsessively, noting, “The odds of it happening again are low,” without ever addressing the fear that lingers. Another might describe their trauma in detached terms, like a case study—“It was an event that disrupted my routine”—to sidestep the grief or anger it evokes.

This mental distance can feel like control, but it’s a form of avoidance. By staying in the realm of analysis, you bypass the emotional processing needed for healing, leaving the trauma’s deeper impact untouched.

5. Approaching Therapy as a Silencer

Even therapy can become a tool for avoidance if approached with the wrong expectations. Some people enter treatment hoping for a quick fix—a technique or medication to erase the pain without engaging with it. For example, a client might focus solely on symptom relief, like stopping nightmares, without exploring the memories behind them. Others might seek therapy to “move on” without confronting the trauma, expecting the therapist to magically remove it.

This mindset treats therapy as a way to silence distress rather than a space to process it. While symptom management is important, true healing requires facing the pain, not bypassing it, which can be a challenging but necessary shift in perspective.

These avoidance tactics are survival strategies, born from a need to feel safe. But they’re short-term fixes that prolong trauma’s power, keeping you stuck in a cycle of fear, numbness, or disconnection.

Research Supports it: Exposure is Essential for Healing

Healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting or suppressing—it’s about integrating the experience so it no longer controls you. Exposure therapy, a cornerstone of trauma treatment, involves gradually and safely confronting the memories, emotions, or situations that trigger distress. It’s not about reliving the trauma recklessly; it’s about processing it in a controlled, therapeutic setting with support. Research underscores why this approach is critical for lasting recovery.

What the Science Says

A 2024 study in JAMA Psychiatry examined virtual reality exposure therapy (VRET) combined with transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) for military veterans with PTSD. Participants engaged with simulated trauma-related scenarios, like combat zones, in a safe environment. The study found a significant reduction in symptoms—over 50%—with benefits persisting a month after treatment (JAMA Psychiatry Article). This shows that controlled exposure can desensitize the brain’s fear response, making traumatic memories less overwhelming.

Similarly, a 2024 Heliyon review of trauma treatment models emphasized that exposure is the backbone of effective therapy. The authors argued that avoiding exposure oversimplifies trauma’s emotional complexity, citing examples like a refugee whose panic attacks lessened after guided exposure to memories of displacement (Heliyon Review).

All therapy is exposure therapy

Essentially, all therapy is exposure therapy to some degree. The healing power of any therapeutic approach lies in its ability to create a safe space where you can revisit the experiences that frighten you most. Whether it’s talking through a memory in talk therapy, processing emotions in EMDR, or reflecting on past pain in psychodynamic work, therapy invites you to face what you’ve avoided.

This controlled re-engagement helps you reclaim power over your story, transforming fear into understanding. By approaching pain with support, therapy ensures you’re not overwhelmed, making exposure the universal thread that weaves healing across all modalities.

Exposure is how we learn resilience and maturity

Exposure isn’t just a therapy tool—it’s how we learn resilience. Take a child afraid of the dark: they might start with every light on, terrified of shadows. A parent introduces a nightlight, then dims it over weeks, exposing the child to increasing darkness. Eventually, the child sleeps comfortably without fear. This gradual process mirrors trauma therapy, where small, supported steps build strength to face what once felt impossible.

How Exposure Rewires the Brain

When you avoid trauma triggers, your brain interprets them as ongoing threats, keeping your nervous system in survival mode. Exposure therapy disrupts this cycle. By facing the trauma in manageable doses—through talking, imagining, or controlled scenarios—you teach your brain that the danger is past. This reduces the intensity of fear responses and helps integrate fragmented memories, allowing you to move forward with less emotional weight.

Why Avoidance Keeps Trauma Alive

Avoidance might feel like protection, but it’s a trap. Sidestepping trauma-related thoughts or feelings signals to your brain that they’re still dangerous, reinforcing a cycle of distress. Over time, this can lead to:

Increased Anxiety: Avoiding places tied to trauma, like a crowded mall after an assault, can make even the idea of going there trigger panic.
Emotional Numbness: Suppressing grief might dull joy, leaving you disconnected from loved ones.
Physical Symptoms: Unprocessed trauma can manifest as tension headaches or fatigue, lingering until the pain is faced.

Exposure, by contrast, rewires this response. It’s like teaching a child to swim by starting in shallow water—they learn the water isn’t a threat. In therapy, you learn the trauma isn’t your present, freeing you from its grip.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Why is exposure important in trauma therapy?

Exposure helps process traumatic memories, reducing their emotional hold. Avoiding them strengthens trauma’s grip, while facing it safely with a therapist rewires fear responses, fostering lasting healing.

What are the benefits of exposure in trauma therapy?

Reduces Fear: Lowers anxiety tied to triggers.
Integrates Memories: Makes fragmented experiences feel whole.
Boosts Resilience: Builds confidence in handling distress.
Eases Physical Pain: Relieves trauma’s bodily toll.

How does exposure work in trauma therapy?

It’s a gradual process—talking about the trauma, imagining it, or using guided techniques—at a pace you can handle, always supported by a professional to ensure safety.

The Path to Healing: Facing Pain with Support

Confronting trauma is tough, but it’s the road to freedom. Therapy—whether talk-based or EMDR—offers a safe space to face your pain without being overwhelmed. You don’t have to do it alone. With support, you can transform that raw wound into a source of strength, rewriting your story with hope.

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Key Citations

APA Trauma Information Page

JAMA Psychiatry Article on VR and tDCS for PTSD

Heliyon Review on Advancing Trauma Studies

Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] How EMDR Therapy Works To Heal Generational Wounds

Written by herecounseling

Trauma has a way of embedding itself not just in our own lives but also in the stories and legacies passed down through generations. The idea of confronting this pain can feel overwhelming—our instinct is to avoid the discomfort, to stay within the safety of what we know. Yet, avoiding trauma doesn’t make it disappear; it allows it to linger, affecting us and those who come after us. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) offers a structured, safe way to face these buried wounds with the support of a therapist, providing a path to personal healing and the chance to break the cycle of generational trauma.

In this article, we’ll explore why confronting trauma is so challenging, how EMDR helps us overcome that challenge, and the profound benefits it offers—not just for ourselves but for our larger family stories.

What is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy initially developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s. Shapiro stumbled upon its foundations by accident: while walking and feeling distressed, she noticed her eyes moving left to right and felt a sudden relief. This observation sparked decades of research, transforming EMDR into an evidence-based treatment, particularly effective for PTSD, but also valuable for anxiety, depression, and even sports performance.

Break the Cycle of Generational Trauma

EMDR therapy helps you process inherited pain and create a new path forward. Start healing with a skilled EMDR therapist in Los Angeles or Pasadena today.

The EMDR Process: A Structured Path to Healing Trauma

EMDR is more than just eye movements—it’s a comprehensive therapy built on trust, preparation, and a clear protocol to process trauma safely.

Building Safety and Skills

The journey begins with one to three sessions focused on establishing a relationship with the therapist and equipping the client with coping tools. Dana Carretta-Stein, a licensed therapist and EMDR specialist, emphasizes this preparation: “My job is to make you uncomfortable because if we don’t feel something, we can’t heal it.” These initial steps ensure clients feel secure and ready to face their pain.

Processing with Bilateral Stimulation

The core of EMDR involves bilateral stimulation—such as following a light bar with the eyes, hearing alternating sounds, or feeling vibrations in the hands—while recalling traumatic memories. This dual attention helps the brain reprocess the experience, reducing its emotional charge. Clients might notice a rise in discomfort followed by a release, often marked by a sigh or a shift in posture, signaling healing in action.

“But I don’t want to deal with my trauma”

The Instinct to Avoid Discomfort

Confronting trauma is hard because it hurts. “A comfort zone is a beautiful thing, but nothing ever grows there,” Carretta-Stein notes. Our natural response is to push away pain, fearing it will overwhelm us. Many start therapy with hope but hesitate when subconscious barriers emerge, worried that facing the trauma will make things worse before they get better.

Yet Avoidance has a Hidden Cost

Avoidance offers temporary relief, but it perpetuates the problem. Unresolved trauma can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms, and it doesn’t stop with us—it can ripple through generations. EMDR addresses this by providing a structured environment where discomfort is expected and managed, allowing clients to move through it rather than around it.

What is Generational Trauma?

The Legacy of Pain Passed Down

Generational trauma is the idea that trauma’s effects—emotional, behavioral, or even genetic—can be transmitted across family lines. Research suggests that experiences can alter gene expression, meaning the pain of a grandparent might echo in their descendants. Carretta-Stein shares a personal example: during her pregnancy, she experienced a visceral panic, later tracing it to a family history of grief and loss that spanned generations.

EMDR can be a Tool for Healing Generational Trauma

Facing Inherited Pain with Support

EMDR excels at addressing generational trauma by allowing individuals to process not just their own experiences but the emotional baggage handed down to them. With a therapist’s guidance, clients can confront these memories in a safe space, using bilateral stimulation to reprocess and release the pain. “When you work through stuff, you don’t just heal yourself, you heal past generations and future ones,” Carretta-Stein explains.

The Benefits of EMDR Therapy

Personal Relief and Resilience

EMDR brings tangible relief: reduced symptoms, deeper insights, and a sense of letting go. Clients often feel lighter, as if a burden has lifted. “People start to heal the moment they feel heard,” Carretta-Stein says, highlighting the power of being seen and understood in therapy.

Healing Trauma is a Gift to Family and Beyond

The impact extends beyond the individual. By confronting and overcoming trauma, we prevent it from being passed on, fostering healthier relationships and communities. This dual benefit—personal healing and a transformed legacy—makes EMDR a powerful tool for those willing to face the discomfort.

Confronting trauma, especially one woven into your family’s history, takes courage. The discomfort is real, but so is the potential for transformation. EMDR provides a structured, relational approach to make this possible, ensuring you’re not alone on the journey. If you’re ready to explore this path, consider reaching out to a trained therapist. For more insight, Carretta-Stein’s EMDR Therapy Progress Journal, available on Amazon or DanaCorretta.com, offers a helpful starting point.

Trauma isolates us, but healing reconnects us—to ourselves, our past, and our future. With EMDR, you can turn pain into possibility, for you and the generations that follow.

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Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Why Trauma Effects Some People and Not Others: How to Give Yourself The Best Chance at Recovery with Trauma Therapy

Written by herecounseling

What is trauma and how is it different from PTSD?

Trauma is a deeply distressing experience that can leave lasting scars on the mind and body. It’s like a storm that upends your world, leaving you to pick up the pieces. For many, the aftermath of trauma is a daily battle, filled with emotional turbulence, physical exhaustion, and a sense of disconnection from the life they once knew. If you’ve ever wondered, what is trauma and how is it different from PTSD?, you’re not alone. Understanding the distinction is key to recognizing when to seek help and how to begin the healing process.

In this article, we’ll explore the nature of trauma, its most common symptoms, and how it impacts daily life. We’ll use an analogy of a dam overflowing with water to explain how trauma occurs and why some people develop PTSD while others do not. We’ll also delve into the research-backed differences between those who engage in trauma therapy and those who do not, highlighting the importance of social support in recovery. For those seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena or elsewhere, this guide will provide valuable insights into the healing journey.

What is trauma?
What are the common symptoms of trauma?
How trauma is like a dam
The impact of trauma therapy
Trauma therapy options

What Does Trauma Feel Like? Common Symptoms and Their Impact

Trauma can manifest in a variety of ways, often leaving survivors feeling like they’re navigating a minefield of emotional and physical triggers. The symptoms can be overwhelming, but understanding them is the first step toward reclaiming control. Here are some of the most common symptoms of trauma and how they impact a person’s life:

1. Flashbacks

These are vivid, involuntary memories of the traumatic event. A flashback can feel like you’re reliving the moment, causing intense fear or panic. For example, a veteran might hear a car backfire and suddenly feel as though they’re back on the battlefield. This can disrupt daily routines, making it hard to focus on work or enjoy time with loved ones.

Trauma Is Personal—So Is Your Healing

Everyone responds to trauma differently. Get the support you need to heal in a way that works for you. Compassionate trauma therapy is available in Los Angeles and Pasadena.

2. Nightmares

Trauma often invades sleep, leading to recurring nightmares that disrupt rest and heighten anxiety. This can result in chronic fatigue and a sense of dread around bedtime, leaving survivors exhausted and less equipped to handle daily challenges.

3. Anxiety and Hypervigilance

Survivors may feel constantly on edge, scanning their environment for potential threats. This state of hyperarousal can make it difficult to relax, concentrate, or engage in everyday activities like socializing or driving, turning ordinary moments into sources of stress.

4. Depression

Trauma can lead to feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or numbness. Survivors might withdraw from social interactions, lose interest in hobbies, or struggle with a pervasive sense of sadness, which can strain relationships and diminish their quality of life.

5. Avoidance

Many trauma survivors avoid places, people, or situations that remind them of the event. While this can provide temporary relief, it often limits their ability to live fully—perhaps avoiding a favorite park or skipping family gatherings—leading to isolation and missed opportunities.

6. Physical Symptoms

Trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it can also cause headaches, muscle tension, gastrointestinal issues, and a weakened immune system. These physical manifestations can make it harder to stay healthy or perform at work, adding another layer of struggle. This is because emotions like chronic anxiety are directly tied to our bodily state. When we hold that state (such as high muscle tension associated with anxiety) it changes the long-term structure of our bodies.

Each of these symptoms can make daily life feel like an uphill battle. Simple tasks, like going to work or socializing, may become daunting. Relationships can suffer as survivors struggle to connect with others while managing their internal turmoil. Over time, the weight of these symptoms can feel unbearable. Many people who have experienced any of these symptoms rightly wonder why their bodies respond this way and if it will ever change.

The Overflowing Dam: Defining Trauma

Why do some people experience trauma and not others, even following the same painful experience? To better understand how trauma happens, imagine a dam holding back a reservoir of water. The dam represents your coping mechanisms, social support, and emotional security—everything that helps you manage stress and return to a state of safety. The water symbolizes the stressors in your life, whether they’re everyday challenges or major life events.

Under normal circumstances, the dam holds strong. The water (stress) flows in, but your coping strategies and support systems contain it, preventing it from overwhelming you. However, when a stressor is too intense or prolonged—such as a traumatic event—the water surges, and the dam can no longer hold it back. The water spills over, flooding the surrounding area. This overflow is what we call trauma.

This concept is called allostatic load, which refers to the cumulative wear and tear on the body and mind when stress exceeds our ability to cope.

Then why do some have a trauma response and others don’t?

When the load becomes too great, our systems are overwhelmed, leading to trauma. Trauma, then, is not just about the event itself but about how it overwhelms our capacity to process and integrate the experience. It’s the point at which our emotional and psychological defenses are breached, leaving us feeling helpless, vulnerable, and unsafe.

In this way, trauma has to do with both the amount of “water” and the capacity of the “dam”. When a person has adequate coping skills, social supports, and emotional security (a large dam), they may recover well even from a highly stressful situation (heavy rainfall). When a person is unsupported, however, even the smallest amount of rain will be overwhelming. How a person experiences a traumatic event has to do with both the strength of internal resources and the strength of the stressor.

Trauma vs. PTSD: Key Differences

While trauma refers to the overwhelming experience and its immediate aftermath, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a specific mental health condition that can develop in some individuals after trauma. Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD, but for those who do, the symptoms are more persistent and debilitating.

PTSD is characterized by four main clusters of symptoms:

Intrusive memories: Flashbacks, nightmares, or distressing thoughts about the trauma that invade daily life.
Avoidance: Steering clear of reminders of the trauma, such as specific locations or conversations, which can shrink a person’s world.
Negative changes in mood and thinking: Feelings of hopelessness, detachment, or distorted beliefs about oneself or others that darken one’s outlook.
Hyperarousal: Being easily startled, feeling tense, or having difficulty sleeping, keeping the body and mind in a constant state of alert.

Using our dam analogy, if trauma is the moment the dam overflows, PTSD is like the floodwaters that never fully recede. The emotional and psychological impact lingers, and the person remains in a state of heightened distress, unable to return to their pre-trauma baseline. PTSD is a clinical diagnosis, requiring a specific set of symptoms lasting for more than a month, whereas trauma encompasses the broader initial response to an overwhelming event, whether or not it leads to PTSD.

Research consistently shows that social support plays a critical role in whether someone develops PTSD after trauma and how well they recover. Strong social networks can act as a buffer, helping individuals process their experiences and regain a sense of safety. Think of social support as reinforcements for the dam—friends, family, and community members who help shore up your emotional defenses.

Studies have found that:

Individuals with high levels of social support are less likely to develop PTSD and tend to recover more quickly. For example, a study in the Journal of Traumatic Stress showed that survivors of natural disasters with strong community ties had lower PTSD rates.
Conversely, a lack of support can worsen symptoms and prolong recovery, leaving survivors feeling isolated and more vulnerable to the lingering effects of trauma.

This highlights the importance of leaning on trusted loved ones during the healing process. Social support provides emotional validation, practical help, and a sense of belonging—all essential for rebuilding after the dam has been breached.

Trauma Therapy: Research-Backed Benefits

While social support is vital, many trauma survivors benefit from professional intervention, particularly trauma therapy. Evidence-based treatments like Somatic therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) have been shown to help survivors process their experiences, reduce symptoms, and regain control over their lives.

Research highlights clear differences between those who participate in trauma therapy and those who do not:

Symptom Reduction: Therapy participants often see a significant decrease in PTSD symptoms, such as flashbacks and anxiety, allowing them to reclaim parts of their lives lost to trauma.
Improved Coping Skills: Therapy provides tools to manage triggers and rebuild emotional resilience, empowering survivors to face challenges with greater confidence.
Enhanced Quality of Life: Those who engage in therapy report better relationships, improved work performance, and a greater sense of well-being compared to those who don’t seek help.

A meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found that trauma-focused therapies like Somatic Therapy and EMDR are highly effective. Many participants no longer meeting PTSD criteria after treatment. For those in Pasadena or nearby, seeking trauma therapy in Pasadena can be a crucial step toward healing.

Option 1: Somatic Therapy for Trauma: Healing Through the Body

What is Somatic Therapy?

Somatic therapy is built on the principle that trauma doesn’t just affect the mind—it also gets stored in the body. This approach recognizes the deep connection between physical sensations and emotional experiences, suggesting that unresolved trauma can manifest as tension, pain, or other bodily symptoms. By focusing on these physical cues, somatic therapy aims to help individuals process and release trapped traumatic energy, fostering a sense of safety and wholeness.

Research-Backed Benefits of Somatic Therapy

Studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of somatic therapy for trauma recovery. For instance, research by Levine (2010) on somatic experiencing therapy found it significantly reduced PTSD symptoms in participants. A meta-analysis by van der Kolk et al. (2014) showed that body-oriented therapies can alleviate trauma-related distress, particularly for those who find traditional talk therapy challenging. These findings highlight somatic therapy’s ability to address both the emotional and physical aftermath of trauma.

What to Expect in Somatic Sessions

In a somatic therapy session, you’ll work with a trained therapist to tune into your body’s signals. You might start with a body scan, where you focus on different areas of your body to notice sensations like tightness or discomfort. The therapist may guide you through gentle movements or breathing exercises to release stored tension. Mindfulness practices are also common, helping you stay present and regulate your nervous system. The pace is gentle and tailored to your comfort, with the goal of rebuilding trust in your body’s natural responses.

Option 2: EMDR Therapy for Trauma: Reprocessing Painful Memories

What is EMDR Therapy?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured psychotherapy designed to help people process traumatic memories that feel “stuck.” Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR uses bilateral stimulation—like guided eye movements or alternating taps—to activate the brain’s ability to reprocess distressing memories. This stimulation mimics the brain’s natural healing during REM sleep, reducing the emotional intensity of the trauma over time.

Research-Backed Benefits of EMDR Therapy

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective trauma treatment, backed by robust research. The American Psychological Association endorses it as a top choice for PTSD, and a meta-analysis by Bisson et al. (2013) found it matches cognitive-behavioral therapy in reducing symptoms—sometimes working faster. Studies suggest EMDR can lessen the grip of flashbacks and anxiety, offering relief in fewer sessions for some, making it a powerful option for trauma survivors.

What to Expect in EMDR Sessions

An EMDR session typically lasts 60-90 minutes and follows a clear structure. You’ll begin by identifying a specific traumatic memory and the negative beliefs tied to it (e.g., “I’m powerless”). Then, while holding that memory in mind, you’ll engage in bilateral stimulation—perhaps following your therapist’s finger with your eyes or listening to alternating tones. This process repeats in short sets until the memory feels less overwhelming. Your therapist will check in regularly, ensuring you feel supported. Over multiple sessions, EMDR aims to transform how you experience that memory, easing its emotional weight.

Rebuilding After the Storm

Trauma is a profound and often life-altering experience, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By understanding the nature of trauma, recognizing its symptoms, and seeking the right support—whether through social networks or professional therapy—you can begin to rebuild your emotional dam and reclaim your life.

Healing is not a linear process, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. Whether you’re grappling with the immediate aftermath of trauma or the long-term effects of PTSD, recovery is possible. With the right tools and support, you can weather the storm and emerge stronger on the other side.

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Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Neurology, Parenting, Podcast

Attachment Styles: How to Heal the Hidden Lens Shaping Your Relationships

Written by Connor McClenahan

Attachment styles profoundly impact the way you view yourself and your world.

Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or even a professional connection, the way you form and maintain bonds with others is deeply influenced by something you may not even be aware of: your attachment style. Rooted in early childhood experiences, attachment styles act as a lens through which we view and navigate our relationships. This lens can either clarify or distort how we connect with others, often without us realizing it.

In this article, we’ll explore what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how they impact your life as an adult. We’ll also discuss practical ways to move toward a more secure way of relating to others. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain valuable insights into your relational patterns and take steps to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thinking that we develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers—typically our parents. These patterns form a template for how we approach relationships throughout our lives. The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who observed that the bonds formed between children and their caregivers have a profound impact on emotional development and relational behavior.

At its core, attachment is about survival. Human beings are wired to seek safety and security through social bonds. Our brains, particularly the prefrontal cortex, evolved to help us form secure tribes or communities where we feel protected and valued. This need for connection doesn’t fade as we grow older; it simply shifts from parents to peers, partners, and colleagues. However, the way we learned to attach as children continues to influence how we seek and maintain these connections as adults.

Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it affects every relationship you have. It shapes how you handle conflict, express emotions, and perceive the availability of support from others. Fortunately, attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness and effort, you can move toward a more secure way of relating to the world.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each style reflects a different way of perceiving and responding to closeness and emotional needs in relationships.

Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are confident in their ability to navigate challenges. In childhood, securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, attuned, and consistent in meeting their emotional needs. As adults, they tend to form stable, trusting relationships and are skilled at balancing their own needs with those of others.

Avoidant Attachment: The Struggle with Emotional Closeness

Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant or dismissive of a child’s needs. As a result, individuals with this style learn to suppress their emotions and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. They often view asking for help as a weakness and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people can appear independent and self-reliant, but they may struggle to form deep emotional bonds and often feel isolated.

Anxious Attachment: The Fear of Abandonment

Anxious attachment arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, sometimes unavailable. This unpredictability leads to heightened anxiety about relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear that others will abandon them. They may become overly dependent on their partners, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. In adult relationships, this can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or difficulty trusting that their partner truly cares.

Disorganized Attachment: The Impact of Chaos and Trauma

Disorganized attachment is the most complex and often stems from traumatic or abusive experiences in childhood. Caregivers in these situations may have been a source of fear rather than comfort, leaving the child confused and without a clear strategy for seeking safety. As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and struggling to maintain stable relationships.

How Attachment Styles Impact Adult Relationships

Your attachment style doesn’t just stay in childhood—it follows you into adulthood, influencing how you interact with others in profound ways. Here’s how each style typically manifests in adult relationships:

Secure Attachment: Securely attached adults are generally confident in their relationships. They communicate openly, handle conflict constructively, and trust their partners. They are also comfortable with vulnerability, which allows them to form deep, meaningful connections.
Avoidant Attachment: Adults with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over intimacy. They may avoid emotional discussions, struggle to express their feelings, and distance themselves when relationships become too close. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction, even in otherwise healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Anxiously attached individuals tend to be hyper-vigilant about their relationships. They may overanalyze their partner’s words and actions, constantly seeking proof of love and commitment. This can create tension, as their need for reassurance may feel overwhelming to their partners.
Disorganized Attachment: Those with disorganized attachment often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, driven by a deep fear of rejection or harm. This unpredictability can make it difficult to maintain long-term, stable partnerships.

It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum. You may recognize elements of more than one style in yourself, and that’s perfectly normal. The goal isn’t to fit neatly into a category but to understand how your attachment history influences your current relationships.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Strategies for Growth

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness and intentional effort, you can develop a more secure way of relating to others. Here are some strategies to help you on that journey:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Reflect on your emotional responses, especially in moments of conflict or stress. Ask yourself: Do I tend to withdraw when I’m upset? Do I constantly worry about being abandoned? Recognizing these patterns is key to interrupting them.

2. Practice Emotional Vulnerability

Secure attachment requires the ability to express your emotions openly and honestly. If you’re avoidantly attached, this might mean pushing yourself to share your feelings, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you’re anxiously attached, it might involve learning to sit with uncertainty without seeking immediate reassurance.

3. Seek Support from Trusted Relationships

Healing attachment wounds often happens in the context of safe, supportive relationships. Whether it’s a friend, partner, or therapist, having someone who can listen without judgment allows you to explore your fears and vulnerabilities. Over time, these experiences can help you build a more secure internal template for relationships.

4. Engage in Therapy or Counseling

Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing attachment-related challenges. A skilled therapist can help you process past experiences, develop healthier relational patterns, and practice new ways of connecting with others. Modalities like attachment-based therapy or emotionally focused therapy (EFT) are particularly effective for this purpose.

5. Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself

Changing deeply ingrained attachment patterns takes time. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the way, but each step forward is progress. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remember, the goal is not perfection but growth.

The Power of Understanding Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are a fundamental part of what makes us human, shaping how we connect, love, and navigate the world. By understanding your attachment style, you gain a powerful tool for self-awareness and relational growth. Whether you identify as securely attached or recognize elements of insecurity in your patterns, know that change is possible. With patience, reflection, and support, you can move toward a more secure way of being—one that allows you to form deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Anxiety

You’re looking for a sliver of time that’s just yours, free from emails, meetings, or family obligations.

High-Achievers Often Sleep Terribly

Poor Sleep Hygiene is Costing You a Lot

Poor Sleep Hygiene Is the Result of Unmet Needs

The “creative self” passively repairs your mind

Honor Needs Openly for Balance

The Emotional Habit that’s Impacting Your Sleep

Here’s what’s unfolding inside:

Guilt Blocks Progress, Not Your Need for Down Time

It’s NOT your need for down time.

Guilty Self-Talk vs. Healthy Alternatives

Depth Therapy Offers Support

FAQ

What causes poor sleep hygiene for busy professionals?

How can professionals incorporate downtime without guilt?

When should someone consider psychotherapy for sleep issues?

What are quick ways to improve sleep hygiene?

How does poor sleep affect professional performance?

Sign #1: Physical Complaints Signal Back-to-School Anxiety

Sign #2: Avoidance Behaviors Reflect School Anxiety Struggles

Sign #3: Irritability Means Hidden Back-to-School Anxiety

Common Parent Missteps That Worsen Teen Anxiety Symptoms

1. Over-Functioning and Babying Teens

2. Becoming Cold and Punitive

3. Ignoring Emotional Cues

Effective Parent Strategies to Support Anxious Teens Without Removing Stressors

1. Offer a Calm Presence for Emotional Regulation

2. Validate Feelings and Co-Create Solutions

3. Encourage Structured Outlets for Expression

Guidelines for Seeking Therapy: When Teen Anxiety Warrants Professional Support

Supporting Teen Transitions: Therapy Eases Back-to-School Anxiety

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Anxiety Symptoms

What are common anxiety symptoms in teens returning to school?

How does anxiety cause physical symptoms in teens?

Why do anxious teens avoid school?

What causes teen irritability from school anxiety?

When to seek therapy for teen back-to-school anxiety?

What is Survival Mode?

Ready to Break the Cycle of Conflict?

4 Most Common Survival Mode Responses:

Fight

Flight

Freeze

Fawn

Why Do Conflict Patterns Repeat?

Four ways survival mode impacts conflict in your relationships.

Fight: You feel like you can’t control your anger.

Flight: You leave.

Freeze: You get stuck.

Fawn: You don’t express your own needs.

Three tips for what to do when you go into survival mode.

Understand your triggers.

Come up with a plan.

Find support.

You want to better understanding how survival mode is impacting your relationships.

Julia Wilson, MA

Trauma Therapy in Pasadena

Break Free from People-Pleasing

Three obstacles to making your own decisions

1. You fear disappointment from people you are close to.

2. You fear disappointing yourself.

3. You’re checked out.

Three ideas for how to make your own decisions

1. Connect to yourself

What are the ways that you connect with yourself? Here is a list of a few ideas for you to try:

2. Accept the ambivalence and work through it

Often, decisions come with a flood of emotions:

What you can do:

3. Plan how you will share your decision within difficult relationships

Reclaim Your Voice & Choices

Quick Conversation Tips to Consider:

Your Body Is Speaking—Are You Listening?

Lesson 1: Your Brain Can Rewire Itself to Heal

Lesson 2: Pain and Symptoms Often Have Emotional Roots

Lesson 3: Meaningful Goals Make Healing Possible

Lesson 4: Your Mind and Body Are Inseparable

Lesson 5: You Have the Power to Take Charge

Healing Starts With Understanding

A Path Forward for Your Healing