clear your mind
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Three simple steps to help you clear your mind and give you more energy.

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Do you ever have one of those nights – where you find yourself tossing and turning, your mind filled with thoughts and worries, “what ifs,” and feelings of uncertainty or fear? Sometimes these same feelings and thoughts pop up throughout the day, with a sudden sense of your mind racing, your heart rate speeding up, and breathing getting shallow. Suddenly, all you can think about is what you said or how you may have messed things up, and your mind begins to consider all the possible things that could happen or go wrong. All of a sudden, that one small thing feels like it has become a massive storm with certainty that everything will go wrong.

But could you learn to take back control of these moments of worry and begin to find a place of rest for your mind and body? By practicing just a few simple steps, you can start to quiet the storm inside your mind, leading to more clarity, better sleep, and the ability to breathe a little more deeply.

Consider these three simple steps to help clear your mind and begin to rest.

  1. Name the fear.
    It’s essential to identify what is at the root of our anxiety. Slowing down and naming what you are most worried about can help you see just what you are most fearful of happening. Maybe it’s the fear that you will lose your job or that you may lose someone you love. Whatever it is, taking a deep breath and saying what you fear will help you begin to take a step toward understanding what has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
  2. State a truth.
    Consider the fact that what you fear could happen, but it is essential also to consider that the facts that may support this fear becoming a reality may not be the whole truth. Often there may be some truths that challenge this fear. Maybe it was another project you worked on that proved you competent and a great asset to your workplace. Or that making one mistake does not mean that you are a complete failure.
  3. Imagine the “best-case scenario.”
    These feelings of fear and uncertainty are often based on the worst-case scenario. What would it be like to ask yourself to consider the “what ifs” for the best-case outcome? Seeing yourself as capable of overcoming or succeeding, rather than imagining only adverse outcomes, may allow you to realize that your fear is only one possibility of what could happen. In reality, there is a possibility of a positive outcome.

As you allow your mind to focus not only on the possibility of what could go wrong and consider what could go right, you may start to notice a mental shift. This shift comes as your mind begins to slow down, and you can think more clearly, sleep more soundly, and feel more energetic in your everyday life.

Clear Your Mind Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

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Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

Learn more about therapy with Kristi
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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions, Parenting

Can changing the way you listen help you feel more connected with your teen?

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

It can feel difficult to know how much of ‘their own space’ to give your teenager while still knowing that you need to be their parent. Learning to change a few of the things you are doing may help your teenager feel more heard and understood and bring a deeper connection that you’ll both benefit from in your relationship.

Adolescent years can indeed be challenging to navigate, both as a teen and in your role as a parent. Teenagers are learning how to be more independent, understand themselves, and make more of their own decisions. This budding independence means that your role as a parent can become uncertain and sometimes rocky, especially when communicating with your teen. But it’s not impossible to navigate communication.  

Consider these three simple changes to improve your communication style with your teenager.

  1. Don’t solve; just listen. 
    It can be so easy to go into problem-solving mode when your teenager begins to talk about how they want to buy tickets to the latest concert without considering that it’s the night before their big tournament. Maybe they’re ranting about how their math teacher must hate them because he mumbles while teaching, and they can’t even hear what he’s saying. But even though it can be so hard not to jump in and respond with suggestions on how they should consider better time management or suggest that sitting closer to the front in class may help them hear better, your teen may just need you to listen and help them feel heard.  A response like, “that seems really hard” or “I can see you’re really excited about this” could help your teen to feel heard, which can help them to feel safe to share more with you.  
  2. See yourself as a “bumper.”
    One of the best ways to support your teen is to be curious. The teenage years hold a lot of uncertainty and self-exploration. Your teen is facing feelings of self-doubt and learning to navigate so many things that feel overwhelming. You are a huge part of their process of self-discovery, which is a shift from your role in parenting during their younger years. Instead of jumping in to offer a suggestion, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a “bumper” to keep your teen from completely derailing. I’m picturing the bumper guards that one can opt for in a bowling game to keep your ball from going into the gutter. Imagining yourself as a bumper can allow your teen to explore things that aren’t working so well and feel safe talking about these issues with you, someone they perceive to be a safe person.
  3. Let your teen discover their solutions. 
    Often in these years of self-discovery, teens are pushing against the feeling of being told what they “should” do. Although your teen still needs clear boundaries to help support their safety and development, take a few minutes to slow down and don’t tell your teen what to do. Instead, practice using open-ended questions to help your teen build their decision-making skills, skills they will need to use into adulthood. Open-ended questions could sound something like “What do you think you might need to think through before you make a decision?” or “I wonder what you think could happen if you did this, versus your other option?” Even if your teen’s response is limited, simply asking questions that allow them to think and consider for themselves will show them that you are concerned but that you value their input and autonomy in making wise and healthy choices for themselves. 

Choosing a More Open Way to Navigate Communication

By simply shifting toward a more open and curious way of communication with your teen, you may find that they’ll may begin to share more openly and may begin to be more open to listening to your input as they navigate challenges. This new way of communicating may help reduce the tension that often comes up when your teen feels they are being told how they should think or act.

It can be hard to hold a steady balance of care and concern for your teen while helping keep them safe from all the pressures they are facing. Yet sometimes, our desire to help can create a feeling of distance as your teen responds to your assistance by shutting down or limiting what they feel safe talking about with you. Listening to your teen helps them feel heard and may allow them to open up and share what they are going through – which can help bring about a connection where you can help them learn and grow as they develop their understanding of themselves and the world around them.  

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

Learn More about Therapy with Kristi

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

These myths are keeping you depressed in your relationship

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter how hard you try to make a change, you are just not able to “get it right” in the relationships and with the people that matter to you the most? You might find yourself worried all the time, holding back in your interactions, second-guessing yourself, or even finding that you want to give up because you feel so uncertain about if things will get better.

You might be having a depressive experience.

Feeling depressed in a relationship may look like this:

  • you internalize responsibility for all of your mistakes
  • you find yourself ruminating on your words and actions
  • you feel exhausted after being with your partner
  • you avoid conflict

One of the first steps toward change is naming the myths that often contribute to feeling depressed in your relationships.  

Could one of these common myths be keeping you stressed or depressed in your most important relationships?

Myths that may be Keeping you Depressed in your Relationship

  1. “I have to get it right all the time.” It’s impossible for us to do things perfectly every time, especially when talking about relationships. Instead, it is crucial to recognize that we will have ups and downs and let those be ok and normal.  
  2. “I always mess things up.” When we make a mistake, it can be easy to go back to a headspace of feeling like all we do is mess up. However, this mindset overlooks everything that has gone well in our relationships and the value we add to those relationships.
  3. “My relationship doesn’t look like “their” relationship.” Comparing ourselves and our relationships with what we see around us is typical.  But sometimes, comparison can cause us to begin to believe that somehow we aren’t measuring up or that we are the only one for whom things are difficult.  Everyone has difficulties, and sometimes we may need to remind ourselves that there isn’t one way to be in a relationship. 

Once we recognize the myths we may believe, we can change these thoughts and decrease the stress that keeps us feeling depressed in our relationships.  

As you begin to shift some of these thinking patterns, you can move away from your hesitations and worries. From here, you can continue taking steps toward a greater sense of ease and connection in your relationships.

Identifying the myths that may be keeping you feeling depressed is an essential first step in the journey toward feeling less depressed and moving toward more profound, more intimate connections. 

When Therapy may be Helpful for your Relationship

Therapy may be a helpful step for individuals or couples struggling with finding deep intimacy in their relationships. A therapist can provide a safe space and support to help you identify the myths that have you feeling depressed and help you move forward toward finding the sense of connection you have long desired.  

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THERAPY WITH KRISTI

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Managing emotions

One key to a more empowered life: Take time to look up

Written by Kristi Wollbrink

I remember one of my professors in graduate school once giving the assignment to take time in our week to look up and notice the treetops.  It seemed like such a simple assignment, but little did I know how difficult, but also how effective this assignment would be!

It took such intentional effort to slow myself enough from my day full of meetings and other commitments and to stop to look up – and notice.  My gaze moved from my usual view of sidewalks and pavement to the beautiful palm tree that stood high above all that I usually saw.  I couldn’t help but stop, and hold my gaze for a moment, taking in the tops of all the trees in view. 

How had I walked by these trees so often and never taken a moment to look up?

Isn’t this how it can often feel? The never ending to do list, the rush to try to make it to your meeting on time, or just feeling overwhelmed, wondering how you will ever get it all done.  

This feeling of anxiousness, worry, and stress can begin to take a toll not only on our mental health, but also can often begin to affect our work, our physical well-being, and even our relationships.  You may notice that you are more irritable or lose your temper over the littlest things; or maybe you begin to feel like you just don’t care and start to try to find ways to “escape” or distract yourself.  You may even begin to find yourself having difficulty falling asleep or waking up feeling worried or anxious.

 

3 Things that Keep Us from Looking Up

  1. Feeling too overwhelmed with the daily to-dos.
  2. Fear that you may miss something important.
  3. Not wanting to disappoint others.

Maybe you can relate with one of these.  I think many of us can.  Which can then make the practice of slowing down seem almost impossible. It is often hard to even imagine being able to take a break from the daily hustle, but sometimes it can be more simple than you may think.

So what does this look like? 

Breathing

Take 1-2 minutes to do some simple breathing in your day: maybe in the morning before you even start your day, or at the stoplight while you are driving.  Simply relax your shoulders and take a deep breath in through your nose, and slowly release the air all the way out, repeating a few times.

Slowing to notice 

It may be just noticing the tops of the trees, or the beauty of a flower, or even savoring a cup of coffee or tea as you sip it, but finding time in your day to slow enough to be present to your surroundings and to let yourself be in the present moment.

Writing in a gratitude journal

Noting the things that you feel thankful for and are grateful for in your day or week and letting yourself have a moment to reflect and delight in these things.

I loved this challenge that my professor gave that day in graduate school to look at the treetops as it propelled me to begin to incorporate this very simple act of noticing and slowing into my weekly routine. 

The act of taking a moment to let yourself shift your view away from the worries and angst that sometimes feels overbearing could create just the space you need to begin to feel a bit more empowered for what it is that seems  stress filled and overwhelming.  If you allow yourself to slow for even just a few minutes, you may begin to reconnect with the beauty that surrounds you; and even may begin to feel that the daily to-dos feel just a little bit lighter.

Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT
Kristi Wollbrink, AMFT

I help individuals and couples decrease anxiety in order to find meaning and connection.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THERAPY WITH KRISTI

Read More