Andrew Wong, Author at Here Counseling

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Trouble Communicating? Your Unconscious Could Be Why

Written by Andrew Wong

*Unconscious patterns can block communicating your needs and feelings in relationships*

Many people have trouble communicating what they feel and want in their closest relationships. Instead, of sharing their honest selves they hide and experience relationships as frustrating and disappointing.

You might relate to how the pattern unfolds: Your partner or friend asks “Is something wrong?” At that moment you know that something is wrong. You feel angry, confused, or worried. Some part of you wants to find the words to communicate this, to draw close to your relationship by sharing what you truly feel. But instead–without even thinking about it–you force yourself to smile and reply, “No, I’m good. How are you doing?”

Being unable to share what you truly want and need in relationships is a painful and frustrating pattern for many people. One important way to transform how we show up in relationships is by understanding unconscious patterns of thinking that automatically shape our interactions and act as an obstacle to real communication and closeness. Thankfully, by facing our unconscious we can change how we relate to other people and our experiences.

Understanding Our Unconscious Minds

Decades of neuroscience have confirmed that our brains and mental processes are incredibly complex. In fact, our minds often shape our behavior in relationships without our direct or conscious awareness. Below are three key ways that our minds automatically shape our relationships without our awareness¹.

1. Relational learning

Think about how you have learned throughout your lifetime. Some things, like math and state capitals, were learned consciously. At school you intentionally memorized how to solve problems and facts like the capital of California is Sacramento.

But how did you learn what your family valued most or what calmed your parents when they were anxious? This kind of learning was likely implicit or unconscious. You learned these core patterns by being immersed in relationships with people. In other words, you learned constantly just by being with others, making powerful connections without even realizing it.

Take someone who struggles with navigating conflict because they fear saying they are upset and want something different. That person was probably not taught in a classroom to fear conflict and deny their true wants and needs. Their parents probably never sat them down and gave a lecture on fearing conflict in relationships either. Instead, through key relational experiences with the most important people in their lives, they may have unconsciously taken in the message that conflict is unsafe and must be avoided at all costs.

2. Interpreting others and ourselves

Our minds also automatically and unconsciously make sense of behavior in relationships. If a loved one arrives late to meet you, you may automatically interpret their lateness as evidence that they don’t value the relationship as much as you do.

However, a factor outside of their control, maybe traffic or a last minute meeting, may have impacted their ability to arrive on time. Despite knowing this possibility your mind may rapidly interpret the situation as a hurtful reminder about you as a person: “They’re late because I’m not really loved.”

On the other hand, our mind may automatically explain away the loved one’s actions with context, ignoring aspects of their personality and choices that shape the relationship. For example, a partner’s angry outbursts may always be explained, and perhaps even justified, because of a stressful job. In this case how the partner’s personality, feelings, and choices are shaping the relationship may automatically be ignored. Instead of facing the reality of conflict to heal and grow, unconscious patterns may automatically sweep it away.

Automatic patterns like these leave people in a state of constant self-criticism. But this isn’t a fair conclusion–and may itself be an unconscious attack on ourselves! After all, these patterns are automatic and unconscious, we don’t know that we are choosing them. That is, until someone helps us to discover them.

3. Automatic action and triggers

Relationships are shaped by complex patterns involving feelings, thoughts, and actions that are triggered without our awareness. Like a big machine that is activated with just the flip of a switch, your mind and body may have learned ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in response to cues.

One cue could be your co-worker casually commenting that they liked the work of someone on your team. Immediately, you might notice thoughts that your co-worker never liked you, feelings of self-criticism and worry, and body sensations like getting tense and hot. With this complex pattern activated you would understandably take actions like withdrawing and avoiding the co-worker.

These patterns are rarely known to us. In fact, we might only realize we are operating in this unconscious pattern after the thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and actions collectively create some difficulty in our life. At times we might even experience suffering in the form of panic attacks, feeling hopeless, and struggling in our relationships without any awareness of why or how these patterns came to be.

Thankfully, there is hope. By going back and consciously exploring what cued our unconscious relationship patterns, we can discover why we reacted like we did.

Attachment: The Most Basic Relationship We All Learned

These types of unconscious processes in relationships are shaped by our earliest bonds to parents and caregivers, also known as attachment relationships. Because these relationships began before we could speak or consciously make sense of the world, attachment began as purely implicit and relational learning. In other words, we intuited how to have relationship with our specific parents and caregivers by watching, listening, and feeling–all without consciously knowing it!

Our young minds unconsciously took in lessons to help us stay close, safe, and calm with our attachment figures. But as we’ve seen, some of the lessons that once served and protected us become barriers to healthy relationships in the present. Without truly understanding and facing this past, we easily repeat it without awareness in the present.

Therapy Helps Make the Unconscious Conscious

While our minds and their unconscious processes are powerful there is reason for hope. Therapy provides a supportive relationship to gently and wisely explore why we struggle to truly share our desires and needs with others. By courageously looking at the places where you are stuck or trapped, therapy can be a journey together of tracing your journey back in order to finally move forward.

Therapy to help you understand and overcome harmful patterns you are not fully aware of helps in several ways:

1. Discovering automatic patterns together

We all have automatic patterns of feelings, thoughts, sensations, and actions that are activated quickly and without our awareness. Therapy is a special relationship to discover and identify these automatic patterns together. Having an outside perspective also allows you to figure out what cue or trigger brought on the pattern that has you stuck.

Facing these unconscious parts of our minds can feel deeply vulnerable. The reality that we have been caught in some pattern may bring on strong emotions like embarrassment, guilt, or shame. Having a trusted therapist can be a tremendous help when courageously understanding yourself.

2. Facing grief and anger

Therapy is illuminating. Self-critical people may discover the relationship that taught them to be harsh with themselves, people struggling with fear and worry may understand the first time they felt unsafe, and people who can’t stop over-working may recognize powerful messages of accomplishment they once received.

Attachment research tells us that difficult experiences may have once made unconscious patterns necessary. In order to stay close and connected to loved ones and parents, we may have taken on patterns that no longer serve us. Understanding your unconscious patterns to improve your relationships may also mean discovering past moments that bring on grief and anger.

In these moments, feelings of grief and anger are understandable and healthy responses that want to be felt and resolved. Having a supportive and expert therapist provides the help you need to face and resolve these feelings and the suffering they create in your relationships now.

3. Figuring out how to get un-stuck together

Finally, therapy is a unique relationship because unconscious patterns inevitably activate between the patient and therapist. Even if you are unsure of how you are getting stuck in frustrating patterns, the therapy relationship itself will shine a light on what is happening in other relationships.

For example, someone who feels dissatisfied in dating relationships might come to therapy and automatically begin to try and “become” the patient they think the therapist wants them to be, ignoring their own preferences. This pattern of hiding who they actually are can be faced together and understood. Chances are if it is happening in the relationship between patient and therapist it is also being triggered in other important relationships.

Hope for Meaningful Relationships

Our minds and brains are extremely complex and powerful. When functioning well enough they help us to creatively face the challenges of our lives and develop meaningful relationships. But all too often unconscious and automatic patterns bring us to same outcomes over and over again without us knowing how we arrived there. Relationships that once seemed so promising wind up stuck and struggling in the same way that others did before.

You are not doomed to these automatic and frustrating patterns. When you are aware of unconscious patterns you can begin to make choices in relationships that actually lead to connection and joy. Your mind, body, and relationships are ready to heal and learn new ways of living. To deepen your self-understanding and heal your relationships from unconscious patterns, schedule an appointment with me today.

Andrew Wong, Therapy for Depression and Men in Pasadena

Learn about Therapy with Andrew

Pages: 1 2

Therapy for healing self-criticism, judgement, and blame with self-compassion and hope

Managing emotions

Are You Your Own Worst Critic? How to Heal Self-Criticism

Written by Andrew Wong

Whoever first realized, “I am my own worst critic” brilliantly described a painful and all too-common way many people relate to themselves. Self-criticism involves harsh or negative views and judgements of one’s self. This pattern of self-criticism is especially overwhelming because the critic is not someone “out there” that can be escaped, but emerges from within someone’s core beliefs and self-concept. Those who suffer from self-criticism feel as if a harsh judge follows right behind them, waiting to criticize any mistake or misstep, no matter how small ¹.

Self-criticism can be hard to identify, especially for people caught in relating to themselves harshly. Here are several examples of what self-critical thoughts sounds like and possible feelings tied to them:

I always make mistakes and I’ll never do better (Feelings: despair, fear)
I’m selfish and deserve to be treated badly for it (Feelings: shame, loneliness)
I’ll never be as good as her (Feelings: envy, embarrassment)

While self-criticism is a common and painful experience, it is not the most central truth of any person’s life. Beneath the self-criticism, and whatever pain made it necessary, is a living person that desires to heal. Through cultivating new ways of relating to themselves, people can experience self-compassion and understanding. In this article I explore self-criticism, how it contributes to suffering in our lives, why we adopted this relational pattern, and practices for healing harsh judgement with self-compassion.

Self-Criticism or Healthy Standards?

Through my experiences helping people heal from self-criticism, it’s important to distinguish between holding healthy standards and punishing self-criticism. Below I share common ways people describe healthy standards as well as possible feelings that come along with relating to yourself with a healthy vision of who you want to be.

Healthy Standards: Hope for the Future

I made a mistake but I genuinely want to learn from it and grow (Feelings: hope, strength, resolve)
I acted selfishly so I want to repair the relationship (Feelings: healthy guilt, compassion for others)
My colleague is so skilled, I want to keep growing too (Feelings: excitement, passion)

Healthy standards give us a vision of the person we want to become. These standards can be internalized from our religious and ethical values, our families, and the people we respect. High standards allowed us to see ourselves as someone on the way, neither perfect nor worthless, but capable of growth and worthy of respect.

Self-Criticism: Trapped and Powerless

Quite differently, self-criticism creates a completely fixed sense of who we are. It is as if a judge has passed a life-sentence upon us. This harsh judgement communicates that we are bad, unworthy, and powerless to change. One of the easiest ways to determine whether you are holding high standards or self-criticism is to ask yourself: Do I feel hopeful about who I am becoming and my future? Or do I feel powerless and trapped in imperfections?

Being Your Own Worst Critic Leads to Suffering

When self-criticism plays a powerful role in how you understand yourself and navigate through life, it also places you at increased risk for adverse mental health outcomes.

Depression

Unrealistic and harsh judgement are frequently related to low mood, strong negative emotions, and even depression. Punishing self-criticism contributes significant stress to someone and places them at-risk of developing depression. For people actively experiencing depression, the common feelings of worthlessness and inordinate guilt can be sustained or worsened by self-judgement.

Anticipating that you will make mistakes and fail can contribute to anxiety disorders, which are characterized by overwhelming worry, restlessness, and fear. Many self-critical people report especially difficult anxiety brought on by social interactions. This is completely understandable since the self-critical person believes that the way they view themselves must be how others also see them.

Control and Escape

Harsh self-criticism causes people to suffer in profound ways. Anyone caught in these patterns of self-judgement and rejection will understandably look for ways to control and soothe their pain. However, the person suffering from self-criticism often feels cut off from the compassion of others and even their own self-compassion.

This is where highly self-critical people, seeking some relief, may fall into stressful fixations. Seeking some order and relief from the punishing judge, self-critical people may over-control what they can. Unfortunately, their lives can easily become overwhelmed by concerns about:

The food they eat
What people think about them
The grades they receive
Their performance at work

Others who feel attacked by the self-critical voice may try to numb or distract themselves from harsh judgement through:

Using alcohol and other substances
Seeking constant stimulation and interaction
Spending excessive time online

Despite these understandable attempts to find relief, the judge eventually re-emerges. Self-critical people then experience even more of this harsh judgement for dissatisfying attempts at self-soothing.

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

People who suffer from self-criticism frequently share the deep desire to be free of their harsh judge and are puzzled by the ways they feel trapped by it. Oftentimes, someone suffering from self-criticism may not realize that the judge exists because it once helped us to survive and navigate the challenges of life. Below I explain common purposes that self-criticism plays in the lives of people.

Protecting Loved Ones By Taking the Blame

Growing up means building relationships with imperfect parents and caregivers. Even the best parents fail to connect with their children in every situation. Through early childhood experiences, you may have received the message that your parents or caregivers could not tolerate the inevitable challenges of being family.

In these cases, you may have learned that by taking on all the blame (“It was my fault mom, I’m sorry I was so bad”) you protected your loved one and your relationship. For people who experienced harm from parents and caregivers through abuse or neglect, self-criticism and blame may be even more extreme.

Fitting In and Meeting Expectations

Our lives are also shaped by cultural and social expectations. We want to be “good” people, however that goodness is understood by our families, traditions, and cultures. Relationships with others in our lives also come with expectations. We want to please teachers and coaches, bosses and colleagues, friends and romantic partners. Over time we may embrace self-criticism as a way of meeting standards and maintaining these relationships.

Controlling Uncontrollable Situations

Each of our lives is touched by suffering and adversity, albeit in very different ways. At times, experiences feel uncontrollable and go beyond our ability to make sense of them. Trauma occurs when we experience something so stressful that it overwhelms our ability to describe it with words, contain it with feelings, and process it in our body.

Self-criticism is one way to maintain some sense of control amid stress and trauma. A harsh self-criticism (“It was all my fault that terrible event happened”) provides some sense of control and may feel less overwhelming than the truth (“No one could have stopped what happened, it was simply uncontrollable”).

Self-Criticism Came From Somewhere, It’s Time to Heal It

Like any psychological challenge or unhealthy pattern, self-criticism represents a way we learned to navigate the world. In many cases, it was once a brilliant and sadly necessary way to get through life. Healing from self-criticism means understanding the role you once needed it to play. With that recognition also comes the truth that there are other ways to relate to yourself, your relationships, and the challenges of life that do not harshly judge you. Self-compassion is one way forward.

Self-Compassion Heals Self-Criticism

While self-criticism may have been a key way of navigating the world, there are ways to begin healing your internal judge. Even patterns first established in early-childhood can be transformed. Below are three reflection exercises to help you grow in self-compassion today.

Take a Long-Term Perspective

Growth and change take time. While the self-critic points out that you haven’t reached every one of your goals, self-compassion invites you to take a long-term view of your life and recognize the progress you have made. How have you already grown, changed, or healed? Can you take time to feel the emotions that rise in you as you consider your victories, successes, and perseverance? You may not be where you ultimately hope to be yet, but how far have you come already?

Speak to Yourself Compassionately

Who has shown you love and acceptance in your life? Can you imagine that person looking you in the eyes and telling you some truth about who you are? If you don’t go immediately to the self-critic and judge, what does this loving relationship say about you? Linger in the feelings and images that emerge as you remain with this loved one and take in their words to you.

Imagine Your Younger Self

As an adult, can you now tell your younger self what they needed to hear and know–that the hurt was not all their fault, that they were just a kid, that they are strong and will get through the adversity to keep living? While self-criticism keeps people frozen in time, self-compassion allows us to reach into the past and imagine the future from this present moment of compassion and strength. If this exercise brings on feelings that are too overwhelming or difficult, that is ok. The journey of self-compassion takes time and is not meant to be taken alone.

Therapy for Self-Criticism

Whether you have worked on self-criticism for years or are just beginning to recognize this pattern in your life, therapy is a powerful relationship to heal the judge and learn self-compassion. In my work with people from many life seasons and experiences, I have learned that the common factor for healing self-criticism is a compassionate and wise relationship.

If you experience self-criticism and judgement as simply “who you are” a therapist can partner with you to disentangle this pattern from the reality of who you are. Others have gained tremendous insight about their self-criticism, but still don’t feel any differently. A therapist can provide insight into how your thoughts, feelings, and body can experience real healing and relief from judgement. You don’t need to face self-criticism alone. It is time to confront the pattern of harsh self-criticism and cultivate self-compassion in your life, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

Learn about Therapy with Andrew

FAQ: Healing Self-Criticism

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism involves harsh, negative self-judgments that create an internal critic, such as thoughts like “I always make mistakes” leading to feelings of despair or fear. It’s often internalized and can feel constant.

How does self-criticism differ from healthy standards?

Healthy standards are growth-oriented and inspire hope, while self-criticism feels fixed and powerless, focusing on flaws without room for improvement.

What are the effects of self-criticism on mental health?

Self-criticism can contribute to depression (low mood, worthlessness), anxiety (worry, fear of failure), and maladaptive coping like over-control, substance use, or escapism.

Where does self-criticism come from?

It often originates as a survival strategy, such as taking blame to protect relationships, meeting societal expectations, or attempting to control trauma and uncontrollable situations.

How can I heal self-criticism?

Healing involves cultivating self-compassion through reflection exercises and therapy, transforming judgmental thoughts into kinder, more supportive self-talk.

What is self-compassion and how does it help with self-criticism?

Self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness during struggles. It heals self-criticism by reducing suffering, fostering growth, and disentangling criticism from your identity.

What exercises can help practice self-compassion?

Try these: Reflect on long-term growth perspectives, imagine compassionate words from loved ones directed at yourself, or comfort your younger self in a visualization.

When should I seek therapy for self-criticism?

Seek therapy if self-criticism feels overwhelming, deeply ingrained, impacts daily life or mental health, or if self-help exercises aren’t enough for lasting change.

¹I am indebted to the work of Allan Abbas, MD for this image of the cruel judge and how it functions in the metapsychology of people.

Managing emotions

Why do I feel lonely and disconnected? Look at your social support

Written by Andrew Wong

If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from others in your life, you’re not alone. The U.S. surgeon general recently declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic affecting people of every age, background, and experience.¹ Whether you have struggled with loneliness for as long as you can remember or have recently become disconnected from important people in your life, there are many ways to improve your connection and enjoyment in relationships.

To improve your sense of connection to others it helps to understand what relationships provide. One of the key ways that relationships benefit us is through social support, or “the degree to which people are accepted by, cared for, and attended to by important others.”² Connection with many people in our lives, from friends and family, to romantic partners, colleagues, and those we worship or live with, promotes our mental and physical wellbeing.

If you are experiencing isolation and loneliness, it is likely that you are also feeling impacts on your emotional and physical health like increased stress, stronger unpleasant emotions, poor sleep and fatigue. As you might guess, reduced social support also makes it harder to pursue important life goals like doing your best in school and growing in your career.

You’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone

If you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, it might be time to rebuild your support system—with help. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore what you need and how to ask for it.

Relationships, and the essential social support they provide, ultimately shape our sense of meaning and purpose in life. Beyond our daily needs for survival, humans are creatures who desire meaning and significance in life. Studies have found strong relationships between one’s quality of relationships and this overall sense of life satisfaction and meaning. This includes people in many different life seasons and professions. For example, those with high-stress careers like healthcare providers as well as teenagers beginning to explore life both have been found to describe their lives as more satisfying when they have supportive relationships.^3,4

The science of social support reveals fascinating insights that help us heal isolation and loneliness. Research shows that two related but distinct aspects of relationships shape our sense of social support. First there is the actual support we receive from others, known as received support. Then there is our perception or awareness of that care and acceptance, often called perceived support.

Research has found that while both aspects of support are essential, our perception of relationships may play a larger role in the mental health benefits of social support.⁵This makes sense because no matter how amazing our friends and family are, if we are not able to receive and appreciate their love and support, we will lose out on the benefits of such support.

Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships

While many of us intuitively know that relationships are essential to building a healthy and meaningful life, we may still struggle to improve relationships and overcome isolation. Here are three common causes of isolation that close us off from social support and three practices that can help us to move closer to our most cherished relationships:

1. We’re distracted and busy

Even though we know relationships are important, the pressures of deadlines and schedules may crowd out time with important others, leaving us alone and disconnected.

Practice slowing down with others. Remember that social support plays an important role in your resilience and ability to do your best in endeavors like work and school. Setting aside time for your relationships is an investment in your long-term wellbeing and reaching your goals. When do you schedule time with family and friends, commit to putting away personal devices. Remember, support means being attended to, cared for, and accepted. It’s hard to give and receive that genuine support from behind a screen.

2. Relationships are complex

No relationship is perfectly satisfying. At times, our most supportive relationships will also be marked by conflict and stress. If we disengage at that point, we will intensify isolation, not overcome it.

Practice gratitude for the complex relationships in your life. By journaling or remembering meaningful experiences with important others, gratitude can deepen our awareness of all the social support that we actually are receiving. While not denying what is challenging about a relationship, try to pay attention to the emotional experience of this gratitude for the relationship. If your friend is too busy to connect this week, can you remember the feeling when they dropped everything to support you? If your partner is stressed out with work, can you remember what it felt like when they encouraged you through a hard time? Because each relationship is complex, made up of satisfying and frustrating aspects, try to lean into gratitude for the gifts of that important person. That gratitude may resource you for the vital work of supporting and investing in that relationship as well.

3. We don’t want to burden people

Despite having loved ones who care for us, we may still hesitate to reach out when we are in need of acceptance, care, and support. We may fear that our needs are unimportant or simply too much. In some sense, we may even believe that we are not worthy of support and love, and actually deserve our loneliness and disconnection.

Practice honesty with the important others in your life. Communicating your needs to loved ones invites them to join with you and provide support in the moment. Because relationships among peers (think friends, partners, siblings, and colleagues) are mutual, it won’t be long before you may be invited to support them too! If you notice yourself stuck in downplaying your own needs, consider how you would respond if a trusted person approached you with fears of being a burden. Can you imagine responding with compassion and understanding? Perhaps that is the very response you will receive as well.

Relationships can also hurt and lead to isolation

While supportive relationships protect our health and enrich our lives, relationships can also be marked by profound pain. Close relationships can even expose us to betrayal, loss, or abuse. In these cases, isolation and loneliness may result from difficult relational experiences. If you are struggling to be present, enjoy, and give yourself in important relationships, it may be that some hurt or relational challenge is blocking the way to healthy and meaningful relationships.

How therapy can help you overcome isolation and strengthen relationships

If you feel stuck in isolation this may be a sign that you would benefit from a supportive therapeutic relationship. Therapy is a space to help you understand what contributes to this pattern of disconnection in your life and relationships. Therapy also provides expert guidance for overcoming these patterns to live a more meaningful life with those you love.

The relationship with a therapist is also a space to experience care, attention, and support while you navigate and strengthen other relationships in your life. This is why it is so important to work with a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. It is important to know that therapy was never meant to replace the vital and supportive relationships of your life. Instead, therapy can serve as a secure and safe home base where you explore your story and experience. Meaningful therapeutic relationships resource you to grow into a better relator, someone who both gives and receives care, acceptance, and support.

You can have closeness and connection

Imagine your life beyond isolation and loneliness. If you built and sustained supportive and loving relationships, how would your life look different? If you are ready to overcome the epidemic of loneliness in your life, strengthening your relationships and ability to be a supportive person to others, contact me today.

Learn about Therapy with Andrew

Pages: 1 2

Author Archives: Andrew Wong

Trouble Communicating? Your Unconscious Could Be Why