Loss and sadness naturally leave us feeling uncertain. This can bring with them a deeper yearning for understanding – this deep yearning for meaning in the midst of the pain.  Tragedy and loss naturally cause us to notice deep questions about ourselves and our experiences. This sense of searching for meaning in the midst of our pain and sadness.  

Often as we are experiencing a loss or crisis we find ourselves trying to find answers to help us understand why we are experiencing the pain.  We begin to find ourselves searching for answers to really hard questions.  

“Why me?”

Thoughts like “why?” or “why me?” begin to creep in and can feel very overwhelming.  These questions and wonderings are our way of seeking as a way of making peace with our experiences.  That’s is also why it can feel distressing and overwhelming to be asking these questions when there seem to be no clear answers to these questions.  

Our internal need for answers is a normal and natural longing.  Being unable to make sense of our experience and sensing that we cannot find the answers we so deeply need can lead to other linked experiences such as:

• Anger
• Irritability
• Lack of motivation
• Feeling numb
• Increased anxiety
• Racing or ruminating thoughts

These may signal a deeper need for an ability to gain a sense of clarity to help us to understand what has happened and the reason for the event or tragedy.  

You may notice yourself going back to this swirling thought:  “Why me? Why now? Why this way?”

Your search for meaning started as a child

There is this very primary response that we all have that needs to be able to connect with the meaning of a situation or experience.  For many of us, we may remember these moments in our early development where there is a continual quest for understanding.  This is often the season that tests the patience of most parents or caregivers when small children begin to ask the perpetual question of “why?”  

“Why does the sun look like that?”  “Why does the cat say meow?”  

Why, why why.  This is a primal instinct that is without question one of the most important parts of learning how to navigate things that feel uncertain or unknown.  In this process of wondering and asking we are also finding ways to care for our deeper emotional need for safety and security.  

One of the most valued and important feelings that we need is that of safety and security.  This need for security is absolutely related to our own desire to know that I am safe.  

We want to know we’re still safe

Moments of crisis shake the very foundation of our internal sense of safety.  These moments that feel like they shatter all that we once knew, also threaten this deeper feeling of security and safety.  

Being able to make meaning of these life shattering moments is one of the most important steps in being able to regain your feeling of inner rest.  The continual feelings of fear and uncertainty can seem endless and exhausting.  Yet, being able to notice the questions that keep coming up in a way that is accepting and compassionate can be just what you need to move from a place of fear and into a place of hope and rest.

What to do when you notice yourself caught in a flurry of wondering and ache.

Here are three things that can most help you make sense of the pain.

1. Give yourself space to ask questions.  It can feel scary to notice that we are wondering about things that seem to have no answer.  Yet, these questions are important to help you to seek a sense of meaning making that is so valuable in your own sense of understanding that you are so naturally seeking.  Think of this as your small child self that needs to ask the questions, even if there may not be a perfect answer that solves the wondering.  Sometimes designating a set amount of time to be able to sit with these deeper feelings and questions can be helpful to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Setting a timer and allowing a set amount of time for which you can allow yourself to explore the questions and feelings can be helpful.  Once the allotted time has ended you can begin to shift your focus and know that you come back to these thoughts again tomorrow or next week.  

2. Find a safe space to tell your story.  It can feel hard to feel like you are having to say the same thing again and again, without being able to move past the pain, but the pain is an important indicator that you need to seek out safe spaces to talk and be heard.  For many people, having friends and family who can listen and care are invaluable.  There is also something helpful about being able to share your story with others who have experiences that are similar to your own.  There is this incredible feeling that comes when you begin to share and someone says, “yeah, I hear you, that is totally relatable and understandable.”  Seeking out a support group or grief group for others who are going through a similar experience can be one of the greatest resources to help in regaining your own sense of well being. 

3. Seek out practices and spaces that help you in moments of difficulty.This could include practices that bring a sense of connection with your own empowerment, clarity about their own life purpose and spaces that help you live out your deeper personal values.  A great resources for times of fear and uncertainty can be to move into a connection with deeper values and meaning. 

– Spending time with important people.

– Find intentional ways that allow you to give back  

– Connecting with nature and beauty in the world around you. 

– Seeking out faith communities or other spiritual practices. 

When we go through difficult times, we can often find ourselves disconnecting from these places and people who are important parts of our own grounding and connection.  Creating a plan for intentional connection can be important and helpful, especially as you grapple with deeper yearning for understanding and meaning.

These moments of deep pain or unexpected loss can be some of the most difficult and unsettling experiences.  Allowing space to allow the questions to come can be an important part of helping to find a deeper sense of meaning.  Sometimes there isn’t a clear path forward, and sometimes the answers themselves may not feel clear or complete.  Yet you don’t have to feel overwhelmed in the midst of your pain.  There are ways that you can help to move through the questions with greater courage and peace.  

Seeking a safe place to be able to explore these deeper questions in the midst of tragedy is so very important.  Sometimes it can feel helpful to seek out the help of a therapist or other mental health professional to help support you in the process of seeking clarity during these difficult moments.