coping with grief
Managing emotions

Coping with Grief during the Holidays

Written by Connor McClenahan

You may be dreading the holidays this year, or just not as excited as usual. This is a normal response if you have lost a loved one or something important to you, whether it was this year or years ago. Anniversaries and holidays bring up memories and feelings that can be painful and hard to cope with. 

What to Expect from Grief 

Grief is a deeply individual experience based on your relationship with what or who you lost.  Grief looks different for everyone and is never easy or predictable. There is no timeline for grief or a time when you are “supposed” to be done grieving. Though there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are some things that you can do to help in the healing process. 

5 Ways to Cope with Grief 

1) Recognize How Grief Impacts Other Emotions

When we are grieving, our emotions may be unpredictable. We may feel more sad, angry, fearful, or numb than usual. Things that usually do not bother us may feel like a big deal or cause more pain than usual. Acknowledging that our emotions are being triggered by grief and accepting that we are hurting is the first step in more effectively coping with grief. 

2) Get Support

Find support from people who care about you. It can be easy to isolate while you are grieving but is better to let others share the grief with you and be there for you. Talk about your loss if you need to or just enjoy spending time together. If you don’t have anyone who will be able to support you, consider joining a support group. 

3) Take Care of Yourself

Grief can take an emotional and physical toll. You may feel more exhausted, get a cold more easily or have difficulty sleeping. Allow yourself the time to do what you need to do to be ok, whether that is resting, journaling, faith practices or being physically active. Keep up regular routines as much as possible while also recognizing that simple things may be harder for a while. 

4) Honor their memory 

An important part of healing from grief is being able to identify new ways to relate to and remember the person you have lost. Honoring their memory may help you feel connected with them and able to integrate who they were into your life now. There are a lot of creative things you can do to honor their memory. 

Here are a few ideas: 

  • Create a journal or scrap book of memories
  • Start a tradition that brings family members together 
  • Do an activity that they loved (cooking, listen to their favorite music, decorating etc.) 
  • Do an art project that reminds you of them 
  • Donate to a charity or cause that they cared about 

5) Meet with a therapist 

Though grief is an expected and natural experience, sometimes the additional support from a therapist is needed. If you are having a hard time functioning and completing daily tasks, are feeling hopeless and not sure if life is worth living, or feel like there is no one you can trust after your loss, you may want to consider meeting with a therapist. 

Experience Joy Again

The pain of grief may feel overwhelming and endless. But getting the support you need and following these steps can help you find healing and hope. It is important to recognize the significance of the loss but also be able to live with joy and purpose again. Don’t suffer alone! Call us today if you need support from experienced therapists. 

Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.

LEARN ABOUT MELISSA

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COVID, Parenting

Want to Calm the Chaos at Home? It starts with 3 things you can do with your child today.

Written by Connor McClenahan

Life can feel really chaotic right now with all the changes due to COVID this fall and getting ready for a potentially difficult (or at least different!) holiday season. Things with our kids can feel out of control as well, whether it is managing their feelings or redirecting their behaviors. In these difficulty times, we easily lose sight of what really matters, like having a strong connection with your child. We often forget that a warm relationship goes a long way to help with problems that we face. 

Benefits of Focusing on Relationship with your Child

Establishing a positive and supportive relationship with your child helps in these ways: 

  • Increases their sense of safety and security
  • Reduces anxiety and stress 
  • Helps you feel more confident in your parenting 
  • Increases self-esteem 
  • Reduces conflict 
  • Helps kids accept limits and disciple

How to Build a Strong Relationship with Your Child 

Strengthening your relationship can be like taking a daily multivitamin or exercising….you may not see the impact right away but overtime it makes life a lot easier and healthier. And hopefully you can also have some fun with it along the way!

Here are three things that you can start doing today: 

Start One-on-One Time 

I mentioned in a previous blog that daily one-on-one time reduces unwanted or problem behaviors. It also helps parents and children feel closer and more secure in their relationship. 

Choose at least 5 minutes per day that you can spend with your child one-on-one without distractions. Finding a short time daily and having it be part of your routine can be more helpful than waiting until you have a full afternoon on the weekend. During this special time, avoid criticism and choose something to do that you and your child will enjoy. If you are having fun and able to be enthusiastic, that will communicate to your child that you are there for them and enjoy being with them. 

Here are some ideas for daily one-on-one time: 

  • 5 minutes of joining your preschooler in what they are playing 
  • Read a bedtime story
  • Stay up to talk with your teenager before going to bed 
  • Drawing or coloring with your child 

Schedule Family Time 

Find a time for the family to do something fun together. This could be something routine like family dinner a few nights per week or a fun activity on the weekend like game night or family bike ride. Choose something that is fun for everyone or take turns deciding on the activity if your kids have a hard time agreeing. Identify activities that you can do on a consistent basis based on your family budget and weekly schedule.  

Regular family time helps to reduce conflict and also helps kids feel less socially isolation. Giving the family something fun to do together is a great way to bond and help everyone feel better. 

Here are some ideas of activities to do as a family: 

  • Family game night 
  • Movie night
  • Trip to the park
  • Bike ride/walk
  • Family Dinner 
  • Pancake breakfast on Saturday
  • Go get ice cream or Starbucks as a family  

Increase Labeled Praise 

Lastly, increase how often you praise your child throughout the day. Labeled praise means being specific about what you appreciated that your child did. Instead of more general praise like “Good job” or “You had a good day,” praise what your liked that your child did. For example: “I loved it when you used gentle hands with your sister” or “Thank you for picking up your trucks when I asked.” Being specific helps your child know what exactly you liked and will help them do that action more often in the future. Praise also helps your kids feel better about themselves because you are calling out something that they did well. 

To help increase how often you praise, find a time during the day that you are going to praise as often as you can. This could be during your one-on-one time or a time of the day that is tough, like the morning or a transition from free time to homework. See how often you can give praise, even if it is for something small. 

Relationship is a Powerful Tool for Your Child

Increasing praise and routine time with your child individually and as a family all go a long way to help your relationships. It also increases your confidence as a parent and your ability to enjoy being with your child! Choose something to start implementing today to help support your child through the powerful tool of relationship. 

Calm the Chaos at Home Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

 

Download Free Worksheet
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
Melissa Winfield, PsyD

I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times

LEARN MORE ABOUT MELISSA
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ADHD Therapy - woman in chair with therapist
Parenting, Testing and Assessment

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation: Helping You Prepare for Adoption

Written by Connor McClenahan

Adoption provides an incredible opportunity to give a loving home to a child in need and to grow your family. But you are ready to take on this adventure, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through first.  And on top of all the red tape, international adoptions often require a psychological evaluation for the adoptive parents.

Here’s what you can expect in a pre-adoption evaluation.

Why Do I Need This before I can Adopt? 

The ultimate goal of the evaluation is to make sure that every child is matched with a home that will be warm and nurturing. Unfortunately, some adoptions have resulted in placements where children have been neglected or abused because parents did not have the capacity for appropriate care.

The psychological evaluation is one way to screen parents to make sure that they are ready to take on the challenges of parenting for the first time or to add another member to their family. If mental health concerns are present in the family, the evaluation can help ensure that these concerns are caught early and that parents have the support they need to be successful. 

The Process of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation 

Pre-adoption evaluations usually consist of a clinical interview and one or more psychological tests that help determine mental health concerns. The clinical interview will be conducted both with the parents together and separately. The interview is a necessary part of the evaluation so that your psychologist understands your context and story when they interpret test results. This enables them to provide accurate feedback and give recommendations tailored to your needs. 

Psychological tests may include the MMPI, which is a standard personality test, though other tests may be used instead of or in addition to the MMPI.  The MMPI is a true/false questionnaire that will ask all kinds of questions, many of which seem irrelevant. It is designed to identify mental health concerns and will be interpreted by your psychologist to determine any issues that need to be addressed. 

This is not a test for which you can study or prepare. All questions ask about your preferences and experience. Trying to decipher what the test questions could mean will only cause unnecessary anxiety and possibly unhelpful results. Do your best to give accurate and honest answers without worrying about what each question is getting after. 

We offer pre-adoption psychological evaluation services in California. You can book a free call today to see if we’re the right people to help you.

Schedule a Free Consultation Call
Pre-Adoption Evaluation StageKey Details
1. Free Consultation CallDetermines fit for your needs, establishes expectations and scheduling.
2. Clinical InterviewConducted jointly and individually with parents to gather context, personal story, and needs for accurate test interpretation and tailored recommendations.
3. Psychological AssessmentInvolves tests like the MMPI (true/false questionnaire) or others to detect mental health issues; answer honestly without preparation or overthinking.
4. Follow-Up FeedbackSchedule a session to review results, discuss concerns, provide recommendations, and answer questions for proactive issue resolution.

Results Help Your Adoption Succeed 

After the interview and tests are completed, your psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country from which you are planning to adopt. We may request written permission from you to speak with your adoption agency to make sure that we are meeting all requirements. 

After the report is completed, your psychologist will schedule a follow up appointment to give you feedback on your results. This will include discussion of any concerns that may have come up and recommendations for what will help you be successful in your adoption. We want to make sure that you understand the information being provided and have time to ask any questions you may have about the results. 

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Support  

At Here, our psychologists understand that it can be stressful completing these evaluations. It may seem like just another “to-do” before you can be a blessing to a child. Our goal is to make this as stress-free as possible by letting you know up front what to expect. Our recommendations are created to help you be proactive in addressing needs that you may have now and anticipate any challenges. This support will help make your transition to welcoming a new child into your home a smoother experience. 

Learn more about our assessment services.

therapy for anxiety

Here Counseling in Pasadena and Los Angeles

We provide pre-adoption psychological evaluations to help families efficiently meet adoption requirements.

Schedule your Pre-Adoption Consultation Call

 

FAQ about Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluations

Why do I need a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?

The evaluation ensures that adoptive parents are prepared to provide a warm, nurturing home for the child. It screens for any mental health concerns to prevent potential neglect or abuse and helps catch issues early, providing necessary support for successful parenting.

What does the pre-adoption evaluation process involve?

The process typically includes a clinical interview (conducted both together and separately with the parents) and one or more psychological tests, such as the MMPI. The interview provides context for interpreting test results, leading to tailored recommendations.

What psychological tests are used in the evaluation?

Common tests include the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), a true/false questionnaire designed to identify mental health concerns. Other tests may be used in addition or instead, depending on the psychologist’s approach.

How should I prepare for the psychological tests?

You can’t study or prepare for these tests, as they focus on your preferences and experiences. The best approach is to answer honestly and accurately without overanalyzing the questions, as trying to “figure them out” can lead to unnecessary anxiety and inaccurate results.

What happens after the evaluation is completed?

The psychologist will create a report that meets the requirements of the country you’re adopting from. You’ll have a follow-up appointment to review the results, discuss any concerns, and receive recommendations. They may also coordinate with your adoption agency with your permission.

How can the evaluation support my adoption journey?

The evaluation aims to make the process stress-free by providing proactive recommendations to address current needs and anticipate challenges. This helps ensure a smoother transition when welcoming a new child into your home.

Where can I get a pre-adoption psychological evaluation?

Services are available in California through our practice. You can book a free consultation call to determine if we’re the right fit. Learn more about our assessment services or schedule a free consultation.

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COVID, Parenting

So your child is acting out at home: Why that’s normal and what you can do today

Written by Connor McClenahan

Has your child been acting out more recently? Maybe they were doing ok but then fall hit (with remote school) and things have gotten out of hand! Here’s some signs your kid might be acting out:

  • Crying more easily
  • Difficulty calming down
  • Talking back
  • Blowing up at something small

While sometimes you want to pull your hair out, it’s actually common for kids to be more defiant when they experience stress. Even positive changes can result in stress and acting out.

Have any of these changes impacted your family or child this Fall?

  • School from home 
  • More time with siblings
  • Different day care routine 
  • Changes in soccer practice 
  • Not able to see friends from school

Changes result in more demands on kids. Here are some things that parents can do to mitigate some of the stress and manage the unwanted behaviors. 

1. Increase one-on-one time with your child

Spending more time with your child one-on-one is your first, most powerful tool! One reason kids act out is to get ATTENTION. Attention is an appropriate need for kids and kids will do a lot for attention, including getting in trouble.

If your child is acting out, refocus on having a positive interaction with them every day for at least a few minutes. This helps them get the attention that they need without negative attention seeking behavior.

Set a time (5-10min) per day that you can have some positive one-on-one time with your child. Choose an activity that they enjoy, allows for no interruptions and fits your family’s schedule. 

2. Prioritize expectations 

The demands of doing school remotely and other changes may require more energy or result in more frustration for your child. When kids (and adults!) are stressed and depleted, it’s hard to meet expectations.

Even if your child was meeting your expectations for school, chores and getting along with siblings before, it may be harder for them now due to all the changes. Think through the expectations you have for your child right now:

  • Get ready for school on time
  • Pay attention to class online 
  • Complete assignments 
  • Brush teeth
  • Not fighting with sister 
  • Etc. 

What expectations are they meeting? In other words, what is going well? What are they struggling with? Identify what they are having a hard time with right now. 

Now that we have an idea of the demands on your child, your expectations and which expectations not being met (i.e. behavioral problems), let’s prioritize what you want to work on.

Choose 3 behaviors to focus on at this time. Some problem behaviors will need to wait to be addressed later. It is better to focus on a few behaviors so that you can respond to them consistently and see progress sooner, rather than wear yourself out trying to keep up with everything. 

3. Give consistent rewards and consequences to reduce acting out 

Once you have 3 behaviors to focus on, it’s time to come up with a plan for rewards and consequences. This is a great way to start motivating positive behaviors and making negative behaviors less appealing for your child.

Identify what behaviors you can reward (i.e. the opposite of problem behaviors) such as doing the dishes 4 out of 5 nights or going to bed when asked.  Use consequences if behaviors need immediate attention…such as aggression or refusing to turn off the TV. 

Remember that consequences work best if

  1. Your child’s needs are being met…like the need for attention we talked about before and
  2. If they know what alternative behaviors will get them what they want. That is why one-on-one time and rewards help consequences be more effective!

The key to both rewards and consequences is CONSISTENCY! A good reward system is one you can follow every time and does not require unrealistic time or finances. Likewise, consequences should be ones that you can do in most situations and are not so difficult to enforce that you give in. 

For example, grounding kids from all electronics for a week or month may be really difficult to enforce but loss of electronics for today and tomorrow is more realistic. Make the plan doable for your family given your unique situation! 

You Got This! 

Consistency will be a lot easier if you have chosen your top most important behaviors to focus on. As you reward and provide consequences consistently, your child will start to master skills and improve behaviors. One-on-one time will help you have a closer emotional connection with your child and will help them know that you love them even when you have to make the tough parenting decisions.

This may be a rough patch, it is also an opportunity to attune to your child’s needs, refocus on positive interactions and strengthen your parenting skills! 

Learn about our Therapists

 

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Child with Autism Spectrum Disorder playing with father
Managing emotions, Parenting

Calming Your Child’s Fear about the Fires

Written by Connor McClenahan

With wildfires raging across California, many children are feeling anxious about fire—and as a parent, it can be tough to know how to help, especially if you’re anxious too. This guide explains how to support your child through their fear of fire with practical steps, tailored to their needs, so they can feel safe and secure again. 

Why Do Children Fear Fire?

A fear of fire, sometimes called pyrophobia, can stem from hearing about wildfires, experiencing a fire-related event, or even picking up on adult worries. Understanding your child’s specific concerns is key to helping them cope.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the fires (and other scary stuff as well).

How can I Help My Child with their Fear of Fire?

1. Listen for Specific Fears

The first step is figuring out exactly what is making your child scared. Being able to address specific fears will help you be more comforting.

You can ask something like this: “You seem scared about the fire, what are you worried will happen?” You might be surprised! Maybe you are worried about evacuating and saving the house, but your child is more worried about what will happen to the neighbor’s cat or how they are going to do school.

2. Talk through Big Feelings

Sometimes we all just need to talk it out to feel better. Let your child know that you hear them and it is ok to have those feelings. Before giving reassurance, repeat what you heard them say.

For example: “Yeah it is scary to have the fires so close” or “ I know you feel worried that our house might burn down. That is a scary thought.” This communicates to your child that it is ok to talk about things when they get scared.

3. Provide Age-Appropriate information about the fire

Children do not need all of the information about the fire. What will be most helpful for your child is information that is directly relevant to them and helps them understand next steps.

For example: “If fires get too close, we are going to grandma’s house” or “let’s pack your bags in case we need to leave for a few nights.” Younger children just need to know what will happen today, maybe tomorrow. Older children may want to know more about the next week or more details about the fire. 

Paying attention to your child’s questions will help you key in to what they need to know in this moment to feel safe.  Avoid quick reassurances like “its going to be ok” or “you don’t need to worry” in response to questions.

4. Reduce Exposure to the News

The news can increase anxiety for children. Even if they are in another room or do not seem to be paying attention, children often pick up on the scary tone or overhear things out of context. They may not seem scared in the moment, but may think about it later when they are trying to go to sleep or when something else scares them. Reducing exposure to the news can help our child feel calmer about the fires.

As parents, it is ok to be anxious and worried as well. You do not have to conquer all your fears in order to help your child feel calmer. Instead, focus on what your child needs to hear in order to feel secure, be willing to talk about their fears (even the ones that seem unimportant) and reduce information that is unnecessarily stressful for your child. By supporting them through the big emotions and letting them know the plan to help them stay safe, you are communicating that you are bigger than their fears. Your child will feel a lot calmer when you take these steps to help them feel emotionally and physically safe. And thankfully, a little goes a long way!

Helping Kids Rebuild a Sense of Safety After the Fire

Even after the flames are gone, many children struggle to feel safe again. They may have trouble sleeping, show increased clinginess, or become overly alert to any signs of danger. Rebuilding safety isn’t about pretending nothing happened—it’s about restoring a child’s trust in their environment. Small routines, like having consistent bedtimes or favorite comfort items nearby, can go a long way. Let them know that feeling safe again might take time—and that’s okay.

When Kids Feel Guilty or Helpless

Some children quietly carry feelings of guilt: “Did I forget to pack my favorite toy and now it’s gone?” or “Maybe I made things harder for my parents.” Others may feel powerless or frustrated they couldn’t help more. These emotions aren’t always obvious. You might hear them in passing, or notice sudden outbursts. Giving your child language for these feelings—“It’s normal to wish you could’ve done something”—can help them process what happened without shame.

Managing Re-entry Anxiety (Returning Home or School)

Once the danger has passed, many children find the transition back to daily life unexpectedly hard. Whether it’s returning to school or walking into a house that smells like smoke, familiar places can suddenly feel unfamiliar. Talk to your child about what might feel different, and ask what would help them feel more comfortable. Sometimes it’s as simple as bringing a comfort item to school or sleeping in your room for a night or two.

Common Mistakes Parents Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Here are three pitfalls to watch out for when addressing your child’s fear of fire, plus solutions:

  • Mistake: Brushing off fears with “Don’t worry.”
    Solution: Validate their feelings first (e.g., “I see you’re scared”), then offer specific comfort (e.g., “We have a plan to stay safe”).
  • Mistake: Sharing too many details.
    Solution: Keep it simple and age-appropriate—focus on what they need to know now, not worst-case scenarios.
  • Mistake: Letting news play constantly.
    Solution: Turn off the TV or radio when they’re around to prevent unnecessary stress.

FAQ: Fear of Fire in Children

Quick answers to common questions about helping kids with fire fears:

  • What are signs my child is afraid of fire?
    Look for repeated questions about fire, trouble sleeping, clinginess, or avoiding fire-related topics or places.
  • How can I teach fire safety without scaring them?
    Use a calm tone and focus on positives: “Our smoke alarms keep us safe” or “We know where to go if we need to.”
  • When should I get professional help?
    If their fear disrupts daily life or persists despite your efforts, consider a therapist specializing in phobias.

Helping Your Child Heal from Fear of Fire

For some cases of specific phobias, a therapist is the best option. We have assessment and therapy with trained psychologists who can help you and your child recover. Imagine the relief of knowing your child feels confident and safe, rather than easily overwhelmed. We can help you get there. Learn more about our therapy and assessment services below:

Our Pasadena Therapists
Psychological Assessment

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