Arianne MacBean

It’s post-election holiday season which means family gatherings have a special glow this year. Possibly the glow of rage and disappointment, or the glow of triumph and excitement. Either way, family members intermingling with contrasting glows can feel like potential for a major clash. Here are some pointers based on psychological theories about how to navigate spending time with family members with differing points of view, without giving up your agency.

Engagement vs Cutting Off

There has been a lot of talk about this year’s holiday season being, if any, the one where it’s OK to disconnect from family who did not vote to your liking. Family Systems Theory states that establishing clear and consistent boundaries are important in any healthy family. However, it also says that a emotionally strong boundary enables a person to maintain engagement in a way that feels safe. But how do we do that when strong emotions are at play so soon after a divisive presidential election? Here are some tips.

It’s okay to not like what loved ones do & say

We all have friends and loved ones that make choices we find questionable. Even people we feel politically aligned with can act in ways that hurt or offend us. You can love someone even if you don’t like their behaviors and choices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the theory that we can separate negative behavior from a person’s core identity and still maintain positive feelings towards them. With this in mind during the post-election holidays, remind yourself that it is not one or two choices that make up a whole person. There are aspects of almost every human we can find something to appreciate, at the very least our common humanity.

Showing up during the holidays means something

Never underestimate the power of being in the room. There are times to talk and there are times to be present, and being present says a lot! The Psychoanalytic Theory of Object Relations posits that it is possible for people to experience conflicting emotions towards a situation without dismissing or denying the experience that does not match their own. If you are having a hard time post-election, show up with your vulnerability. If you are hopeful post-election, show up with your eagerness. Don’t wield you truth, rather hold it with compassion and honesty. If two people in the same family come together with their real sadness and hope, comfort can be found by holding that both experiences are possible without cancelling each other out.

Focus on the long view

While it may feel difficult right now to imagine being comfortable sitting with family members who have differing political points of view, Narrative Therapy asks you to consider taking a broad perspective, or counter-narrative, that emphasizes strength in shared experiences. The discomfort you feel may be more tolerable when you imagine re-writing the story of this year’s holiday dinner as a testament to your strength and resistance to dominant narratives. Remind yourself of your collective history as a family and your ability to create change.

Let’s talk more about preparing emotionally for the holidays. Contact Arianne for a counseling session.

So it’s your first time in therapy. You know that talking about difficult aspects of your life with your therapist is normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! There is a part of you that wants to share and get support from your therapist, but there is also a part of you that fears being judged and worries about having to face deep hurt. Being able to speak freely and safely in therapy is crucial for your healing journey, but it can also be nerve-wracking. Here are a few ways to address challenging topics with your therapist.

Won’t talking about bad things make me feel bad?

• You can finally live more authentically

• It becomes less scary when you talk about it

• You’ll become more courageous and brave

1. Start with how you feel NOW

You get to be exactly where you are in your own therapeutic journey. If you feel scared about discussing a certain topic, start there. Tell your therapist that you feel uncomfortable or scared talking about a specific issue. This gets you over the hurdle of broaching a difficult subject. You can say, “I want you to know there is something important I need to bring, and I’m feeling scared to talk about it. I might need your support in how to talk about it.” A good therapist will always honor the time you need to address scary stuff and provide support in helping you get there.

2. Communicate what you need

Let your therapist know what would be helpful for you in discussing a tough topic. You can ask for no interruptions, or no immediate responses. You can also ask your therapist to allow silences, or alternately, to encourage you when silences occur. Let your therapist know how they can create a safe space for you to speak without restrictions.

3. Ask anything

You can ask your therapist any questions that arise during session. If you have concerns or confusion about how things work in therapy or in the client/therapist relationship, ask! You may ask your therapist to review confidentiality or to explain something that doesn’t sit right or feels unclear. A good therapist will accept your questions as an opportunity to build trust and mutual respect.

Remember your therapist is a trained professional

Therapists go through years of education and clinical practice to hold their clients’ complex emotions. Just as you must disclose painful things to your doctor to stay healthy, you need to talk with your therapist about unpleasant or embarrassing feelings. Therapists are prepared to discuss all experiences and feelings you have. This is their job. If you still feel uncomfortable talking with your therapist, it’s OK. Go slow and trust that the important things affecting your lie and experience will come up eventually. A good therapist will guide you toward what needs to be discussed.

Disclosing essential information will help you

If you want to get the most out of your therapeutic experience, it is helpful to share the significant issues. For example, it’s important to tell your therapist if you have suicidal thoughts or are in danger of hurting yourself. This will help your therapist get you the immediate resources you need to stabilize and feel safe. It is good to disclose chronic illnesses or diseases, upcoming surgeries, as well as current or past in/outpatient psychiatric treatment. Your therapist can tailor your sessions to complement other treatment and create the continuity of care you deserve.

You’ll feel better

Finally, remember that speaking with your therapist about shameful or uncomfortable issues can be awkward at first. However, processing those feelings with a caring professional will move you into acceptance and ease where you are happier, lighter, and more yourself.

Many clients come to therapy because they have a pressing life issue that is causing stress. They seek a therapist to guide them through a turbulent time that has brought confusion into their life. These stressors can be a loss, a break-up, financial strain, professional challenges, or a specific interpersonal conflict causing depression, anxiety or body discomfort. Depending on the issue, therapy can help these types of problems in a defined period of time. However, localized pain is very often connected to powerful experiences that need time to fully process and heal.

The Time it Takes to Heal

The answer, as you can guess, is: it depends. The American Psychological Association reports that on average, 15 to 20 sessions are required for 50% of patients to feel their symptoms have improved. In my experience as a therapist, 3.5 months of weekly 1-hour therapy sessions will help alleviate symptoms as the report suggests. But fully heal the root issue? No. Dealing with one bump in the road of life is one thing, but dealing with the road that got you to that bump is another. And setting yourself up for a clear path into your future is yet another. So, let’s lay out the map.

Short Term Therapy

People tend to think short term therapy means 3-8, 1-hour sessions, but this time frame is more like mini therapy. In 8 sessions, you will just be getting to know your therapist. You will likely be able to understand and name one core personal issue and have 1-2 techniques to help cope with it.

Mini therapy can be helpful in times of crisis or to deal with a pressing issue. You can expect short-term therapy to last 3-5 months. This amount of time allows you to process a specific aspect of your life and face any avoidant tendencies. It offers a basic groundwork for future therapy, if you were to pick it up again, and can provide understanding of how and why you react and feel the way you do. The most important aspect to therapy of this length is that it gives you a chance to establish a trusting relationship with your therapist. According to research, “the quality of the client–therapist alliance is a reliable predictor of positive clinical outcome.”

Long Term Therapy

Historically, long term therapy meant patients coming in for several sessions per week over many years for psychoanalysis. In psychoanalysis, clients are guided to bring unconscious material to consciousness. Even so, psychoanalysis can be flexible in frequency and involve many orientations including talk therapy, somatic psychotherapy, or internal family systems, among others.

Long term therapy essentially means that treatment lasts until the client feels secure enough to take what they have learned from therapy into their life without regular sessions. The client can return at any point to continue therapy, if they feel the need. During long term therapy, sessions explore family of origin, trauma, and core personality traits. This helps you become aware of behavioral patterns, belief systems, and reactivity that may no longer serve you. Additionally, it helps you build alternative frameworks to view yourself and others with compassion.

Life-Long Therapy

Lifelong therapy can be helpful as you age, grow, and change. At each developmental stage of life, our values, and perspectives shift. Returning to therapy over the course of your lifetime supports self-knowledge each step of the way. If you work in therapy over a lifetime, you can process trauma, relieve adverse symptoms, and develop self love. Whatever time you have, whatever time it takes, therapy gets you closer to yourself, closer to well-being, and closer to inner peace. Contact me to talk more about the right time to start therapy.

References
Ardito Rita B., Rabellino Daniela, Therapeutic Alliance and Outcome of Psychotherapy: Historical Excursus, Measurements, and Prospects for Research, Frontiers in Psychology VOLUME 2, 2011; DOI=10.3389/fpsyg.2011.00270

de Maat, Saskia3; de Jonghe, Frans3; Schoevers, Robert3; Dekker, Jack1,2. The Effectiveness of Long-Term Psychoanalytic Therapy: A Systematic Review of Empirical Studies. Harvard Review of Psychiatry 17(1):p 1-23, January 2009; DOI: 10.1080/10673220902742476

“Almost all therapeutic work is grief work,” I remember one of my psychology professors saying. This stood out to me as ringing true. We feel grief in many dimensions of our life, in loss, of course, but also in change, even in renewal. We can feel grief when we enter a new phase of our lives, longing for times when things seemed simpler or easier. We can also grieve for a past self and wish to feel like them again. You may have not allowed yourself to fully grieve the complex parts of yourself. Sometimes we want to simply “get over” our grief. Ultimately you will find that processing your grief is possible in therapy.

When we feel sad, we can numb ourselves or turn away from the uncomfortable feelings to cope with the internal pain. We grew up with messages like, “Nobody likes a sad sack.” or, “Don’t be a party pooper.” or, “Put on some lipstick and you’ll feel better.” We are taught that “wallowing in pain” is what weak people do. The irony is that, in fact, wallowing in pain is what strong people do.

Getting over Grief vs Moving Through Grief

Dr. Gabor Mate said, “All of western medicine is built on getting rid of pain, which is not the same thing as healing. Healing is actually the capacity to hold pain.” We spend so much energy keeping “bad” feelings away that we unintentionally equate any emotional discomfort as not being “good.” When dealing with grief, the opposite is true. We need to pour the energy we use keeping pain at bay into surrendering to it in order to move through it.

So, how do we feel grief without completely succumbing to it? Firstly, we do not focus on “getting better,” or “returning to normal.” As hard as it may be, we take each step of the process as it comes, trying to hold the despairing feelings with compassion while maintaining a core sense of self as you focus on healing. And how do we do that? We reach out, to friends, family, and perhaps most importantly, to a therapist.

Healing the Grieving Hole in Your Heart

An important thing to remember about grief, is that it is not a permanent condition. Grief can visit us throughout our lives, but it does not have to move in and stay forever. The key to dealing with grief visitations is feeling them. Sometimes, when you experience deep grief, it can seem like there’s a hole in your heart. Rather than crawl into that hole and feel the grief, you can fill the hole with guilt. This is another way we avoid the discomfort of processing grief; we defend against it by blaming ourselves. That’s how hard truly dealing with grief is – we would rather feel shame than grief! The truth is, we need to learn how to be in close relationship with grief.

You Don’t Have to be Alone with Your Grief

Another truth about grief is that we cannot go through it alone. Processing grief is not the time to isolate, but rather the time to thoughtfully engage with those that you can trust, be vulnerable with, and be honest about the pain you are experiencing. Maintaining key relationships with caring people is vital to productive processing. Therapy is the best place to safely navigate deep pain with an experienced clinician holding the full range of your feelings with empathy and unconditional positive regard.

If you want to process your grief in therapy, please reach out. I help people integrate grief and experience greater hope.