In the first part of this blog, “How to Boost Self-Esteem – And Unintended Side Effects”, we discussed the common desire to increase our sense of self-worth. We talked about how our efforts to do this by striving to prove ourselves are typically unhelpful. Moreover, they may even lead to adverse consequences such as inhibiting learning and engagement in enriching relational connection (Crocker & Park, 2004).
This blog is for you if:
- You’ve been wanting to increase your self-esteem.
- You’re attempts at feeling better about yourself haven’t been working.
- You’re open to considering a different approach.
Considering that seeking to increase self-esteem directly may be destructive, in this blog we are going to explore a different approach for those moments we feel lousy about ourselves. We will start general and then get more specific with some practical alternatives.
Instead of Being Self-Focused, Turn Outward
In his book The Shape of Joy: The Transformative Power of Moving Beyond Yourself (2024), psychologist Richard Beck reveals how turning inwards does not lead to joy. Rather, Beck argues that we experience joy when we turn outward. This can entail turning outward to gaze in awe at the beauty of a mountain range or the delicate petals of a peony; it can entail turning one’s attention to care for a family member or someone who has no family; it can also entail looking up to God or the Transcendent.
Making this shift from being focused on ourselves to turning outward can be challenging. Beck says, “The trap we’re all caught in is that we’ve become fixated on how we think and feel about ourselves” (2024). To get out of this trap, it might help to expose some mistaken beliefs which may be keeping us stuck.
| False Belief | Corrected Perspective |
|---|---|
| Self-esteem is the key to mental health. | This is a mistaken popular notion. Beck explains how self-esteem is unfit to be a foundation for our psychological wellbeing because self-esteem fluctuates. We will experience ups and downs in life, failures and successes, rejection and approval. Therefore, we need a stable foundation for our mental health. |
| I will experience more joy if I’m better than others (in a career, sport, physique, etc.). | Comparing ourselves with other people to measure where we are in a culturally defined pecking order is unlikely to lead to joy. It is more likely to result in undesirable characteristics such as pride, envy, or insecurity. These things may get in the way of authentic and gracious connections with others, which are likely to boost joy. |
| My worth depends on my performance, appearance, or achievements. | These notions are tied to different narratives of success—messages about who “wins” and “looses” transmuted through culture. These narratives can vary across the world and across different periods in history, which reveals they are subjective. While people may treat us based on these narratives, they are not the real source of our ontological worth. For example, someone might treat me as unimportant if I am dressed in plain, unfashionable clothes. Yet, that doesn’t mean I am actually less important than another human being. |
Considering that our actions are often tied to our beliefs, it is worth asking, how can I live in a way which practices and reinforces truth? In other words, what patterns of thinking and acting might help me act in a way which is contrary to these mistaken beliefs related to self-esteem? That is what the next section is about.
Practical Alternatives
Instead of falling for the trap of directly trying to boost self-esteem, what can I practically do when I feel lousy about myself? Here are some ideas.
Shift Your Goal
Crocker and Park (2004) suggest practicing shifting goals away from validating one’s abilities or qualities toward a goal which includes others. For example, let’s say you notice that your typical goal in business meetings is to prove your knowledge and skills to your boss and colleagues. This might contribute to anxiety over how you are appearing to others, envy if you perceive a colleague out-performing you, and contempt if you perceive yourself out-performing others. Shifting this goal to include others could look like making it your aim to support and build up your colleagues during business meetings. You could enter a meeting looking for opportunities to highlight what others are doing well to encourage them.
Take a Break From Scrolling on Social Media
Looking at other people’s posts in a domain in which you perceive your self-worth is staked is a prime opportunity for Mr. Comparison to try and steal joy. If you notice thoughts such as, “They are so much better/worse than me” while checking out social media, try putting away your device. Then, you might consider engaging in one of the next alternatives below.
Write a Gratitude Letter
Research supports numerous positive associations with practicing gratitude (Lambert et al., 2009). One simple and concrete way of practicing gratitude is by writing a letter to someone you know whom you are grateful for. By considering specific reasons you are grateful for this person, you are practicing turning outward from a self-focused posture. Moreover, by sharing this gratitude letter with the other person, you very well may put a smile on their face!
Take an Awe Walk
In his book Steps: A Guide to Transforming Your Life When Willpower Isn’t Enough (2025) psychologist Dr. John Ortberg says, “The default mode of human life is for our minds to be filled with thoughts about ourselves—the wounds we have received and the desires we have not fulfilled. Self-obsessed thoughts, in turn, lead to anxiety and anger and the feelings that dominate our lives” (p. 238). A practical way to turn your mind’s attention to something greater than yourself is by going for an “awe walk.” This resource provides helpful instructions for getting started on this simple yet significant practice: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/awe_walk. If you believe in God, you might consider extending this practice to thanking God for what God has created. This is another way to incorporate gratitude and shift your attention beyond yourself.
Think of a Way to Bless Someone Else
We can so often be preoccupied by what we want and what we wish others would do for us. What if we flipped that around and thought of how we might make someone else’s day a bit brighter? You can get creative with this! Lean into your gifts and have fun! For example, if you enjoy baking, consider making some cupcakes for your neighbors. As another example, if you like working in the garden, consider if you know anyone who might benefit from some extra hands in their garden pulling weeds and/or planting flowers.
Concluding Tips
As you consider these alternatives to seeking self-esteem, I encourage you to start small. Choose one of these ideas and focus on practicing it a handful of times. Maybe you want to commit to taking a break from social media for one day each week for the next month. Or perhaps you choose to set aside ten minutes once a week for the next four weeks to write a gratitude letter. You might even invite a friend or family member to try out one of these ideas with you.
Feel free to write out a few of these ideas on a notecard or a note on your phone so you can have them ready for the moments when you notice yourself feeling lousy about yourself. Those moments are bound to occur every so often, but having some healthy ideas prepared in advance may help. And if you notice these moments popping up more than you’d like or are finding them hard to shake, I’d be glad to speak with you for a free 15-minute consultation call.
FAQ: Seeking Self-Esteem & Alternatives
Do people seek self-esteem in different ways?
Yes. How we try to boost our self-esteem depends on what we believe we need to do or be to have worth (Crocker & Park, 2004). Thus, if I believe looking thin will give me worth, then I might try to boost self-esteem by aiming to lose weight. In contrast, if I believe having lots of nice possessions will give me worth, then I might try to boost self-esteem by amassing fancy items.
What is a takeaway thought from this blog?
What we really want is to belong and not be rejected. Seeking self-esteem can actually get in the way of the rich relationships we yearn for because we start comparing ourselves with one another, envying each other, sizing one another up, and competing against each other. Thus, I think it’s worth asking, what if it’s possible to belong as we currently are and not just as an idealized version of our self?
What if we can take the pressure off and just be? What if we can accept the real people around us, welcoming them with warmth instead of making them jump some pole before we allow them into our social circle? Wouldn’t that be refreshing? Perhaps instead of seeking to boost our self-esteem, we can instead seek to build up the joy of the people around us. Remember, you are a gift to the world. Go out there and courageously step into community with that in mind as you seek to build others up.
What can I do if I notice myself seeking self-esteem while talking with other people?
Instead of focusing your attention on how others might be looking at you, try considering how you get to impact others by the way you are looking at them. Personally, I want my body language and words to portray to the people around me that they are someone of great value, even if society may not treat them as such. Wouldn’t it be neat if when we noticed ourselves trying to prove our own worth, we shifted to creating a space for other people to belong without having to prove their worth?
References
Beck, R. (2024). The shape of joy: The transformative power of moving beyond yourself. Broadleaf Books. https://www.broadleafbooks.com/store/product/9781506496726/The-Shape-of-Joy
Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The Costly Pursuit of Self-Esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.392
Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. (n.d.). Awe outing. Greater Good in Action. https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/awe_walk
Lambert, N. M., Graham, S. M., Fincham, F. D., & Stillman, T. F. (2009). A changed perspective: How gratitude can affect sense of coherence through positive reframing. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(6), 461–470. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760903157182
Ortberg, J. (2025). Steps: A guide to transforming your life when willpower isn’t enough. Tyndale House Publishers. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1496447042?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback