I feel a little bit low about myself right now. I feel like I’ve missed the bar in an area that is important to me. Have you ever felt that way? If so, you are in good company. It makes sense to want to boost self-esteem when we’re feeling lousy about ourselves. Yet, trying to do so may come with some undesirable side effects.
In part one of this blog I’m going to talk about the desire to boost self-esteem and why it might not be worth trying. In part two I’ll offer some practical suggestions about a different approach to addressing feelings of low self-worth.
The Longing to Feel Worthy of Belonging
Human beings are relational through and through. Even us introverts need connection with others to thrive. Our relational nature goes along with a desire to belong. Sadly, we often make cruel judgments about whether we or others are worthy to belong.
We may tell ourselves messages such as:
- “I’m not thin enough to be wanted”
- “I’ve fallen short too many times for anyone to value me”
- “If only I could get that promotion, then I would be worthy of love”
These messages may reinforce low self-esteem, and it makes so much sense to want to change that. The trouble is, trying to boost our self-esteem may lead us further away from the stable sense of worth we yearn for. To explain, let’s first look at a definition…
What is Self-esteem?
Self-esteem involves how one regards oneself. In a simplified explanation of influential psychologist William Jame’s (1842-1910) understanding of self-esteem, Richard Beck (2024) states, “self-esteem measures the gap between the actual and the ideal [self].” As such, self-esteem “is an emotional metric of dissatisfaction” because it measures the distance between where you are at and where you want to be. It is unstable by nature because the gap between the actual-self and the ideal-self fluctuates.
For example, perhaps our ideal-self exercises regularly and eats healthy and is also free from concern about body image. Yet, we acknowledge our actual-self exercises far too often or too little, our eating habits leave us starving or stuffed, and we are obsessed with what we look like¼ at least today. Perhaps yesterday we practiced healthy movement and were feeling pretty good about ourselves. That is, until the gap between where we want to be and where we are shifts again, and our self-esteem with it.
Why Do We Try to Increase Self-esteem?
Crocker and Park (2004) suggest people pursue self-esteem as a strategy to keep anxiety at bay. The logic is that if I can validate my self-worth in an area where I have invested it, then I will feel safe. For example, perhaps I learned growing up that if I perform well in volleyball then I am rewarded with applause from my peers and parents. This might contribute to me believing that if I can prove I’m competent at volleyball then I will protect myself from rejection. The tricky thing is¼
This Endeavor Doesn’t Work How We Want It To
Unfortunately, the anxiety will return. I may end up feeling the need to prove myself again and again. Moreover, if I’m focused on validating a particular ability or quality about myself, then I may become more anxious about being perceived as falling short in that area. Thus, trying to get rid of anxiety by aiming to boost my self-esteem could result in more anxiety, not less.
The Trap of Seeking Self-esteem
There is a sneaky and insidious trap we are at risk of getting stuck in if we set out to pursue self-esteem. It is a trap of self-absorption (Beck, 2024). It works like this. I notice I’m feeling lousy about myself because I judge myself as failing according to some culturally defined narrative of success. Consequently, I decide to make it my goal prove my worth by showing how [smart, athletic, pretty, funny, etc.] I am. Critical to pursuing this goal is monitoring my behavior/appearance to see how well I’m doing at verifying my capabilities.
This self-monitoring entails my attention being on myself so that I’m more likely to notice changes in my performance/appearance. If my attention is not on myself then I risk not knowing whether I’m moving toward my goal of proving my worth. This means I’m more prone to detect a perceived personal success or failure. If I perceive myself as falling short of the standard I have internalized, then I’m back at square one.
I think of this trap like getting caught in quicksand. The more one struggles to get out of it, the deeper one will sink. By analogy, trying to increase my low self-esteem by trying to prove myself may sink me further into a muck of self-absorption.
Self-Focused Decay
When caught in this deceptive trap of trying to boost our self-esteem we are at risk of various adverse consequences. For instance:
| What chasing self-esteem might look like | What it often costs |
|---|---|
| Trying to show how smart, beautiful, or strong I am | With my attention stuck on how I’m appearing, I miss out on being fully present with other people |
| Measuring myself against other people | Can lead me to becoming envious, proud, or resentful |
| Avoiding the risk of failure so I can appear successful | Missing out on learning and creative opportunities to contribute |
Connection with Others Suffers
- As I try to prove my abilities and qualities, I’m too preoccupied with myself to enter a genuine encounter with another person. Thus, my relationships suffer because I am unable to be present and care for others when I’m focused on validating my self-worth (Crocker & Park, 2004).
Vices Swell
- My character may deteriorate as I compare myself with others in domains in which I believe my worth is staked. This could lead to harboring envy towards those I perceive as surpassing me and gloating in vanity when I perceive I am on top. (I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not be characterized by these traits in my eulogy).
Learning Wanes
- Learning is stunted because I prioritize appearing competent over authentic growth. This order of priorities means I avoid failure and struggle, which are common aspects of the learning process (Crocker & Park, 2004). Consequently, I may miss out on developing capacities to make meaningful contributions in the world. Trying to stay away from failure keeps me from exploring and experimenting with different ways of using my gifts to benefit others. Thus, others miss out and I do too.
The self-focused posture which coincides with the goal of boosting self-esteem does not lead to joy. It is destructive to be stuck navel-gazing. So, what now? If directly trying to increase self-esteem is unhelpful, then what can I try instead?
That’s what part two of this blog is about.
FAQ: Boosting Self-Esteem
How can I boost my self-esteem?
That is a question we might type into Google when we feel lousy about ourselves. It makes complete sense. In this post I am arguing that directly trying to boost self-esteem may not be the most helpful goal. State self-esteem often fluctuates. It can be influenced by our perception of the distance between who we are and who we want to be. Trying to close this distance by aiming to prove our abilities or qualities may make us self-focused in an unhelpful way. In part two I will offer a different approach to addressing feelings of low self-worth.
Can trying to boost self-esteem make anxiety worse?
Directly trying to boost self-esteem by aiming to validate one’s abilities could contribute to performance anxiety. For instance, if being competent at playing the guitar is important to my sense of self-worth, then I might care a great deal about how I perform. If I’m feeling crummy about myself and want to prove how talented I am, I could get concerned about making a mistake while playing. I might start to feel anxious and self-conscious. Moreover, my attention may wound up split between playing music and wondering about how other people are thinking about me.
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
I wish I had an easy answer to this question. Comparison is often a deeply engrained pattern which is tied into the endeavor of feeling better about oneself. If my sense of worth depends on being “better” than others in some area (e.g., fashion, sports, humor, etc.), then I have to keep monitoring how well I’m doing in comparison to them. Part of dropping a harmful habit of comparison is abandoning the goal of proving oneself as being better than someone else. I’m not talking about healthy competition. Rather, I’m referring to the vain goal of trying to appear the most [attractive, funny, intelligent, etc.]. Letting go of this goal may require working through a false belief about where one’s worth comes from. I’d be glad to explore that in therapy with you.
What should I try instead of directly aiming to boost self-esteem?
That is what I plan to address in part two. The main lesson from this post is that striving to increase self-esteem head-on may leave us self-focused and further away from joy. If you want to discuss matters pertaining to image-management and self-esteem, you can learn more about therapy with me.
References
Beck, R. (2024). The shape of joy: The transformative power of moving beyond yourself. Broadleaf Books. https://www.broadleafbooks.com/store/product/9781506496726/The-Shape-of-Joy
Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The Costly Pursuit of Self-Esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.392