EMDR

When Connection Hurts More Than It Heals

Have you ever found yourself longing for closeness but feeling a wall come up the moment someone tries to get near?

Or maybe you often feel responsible for keeping peace in your relationships — always the caretaker, the one who makes sure everyone else is okay.

Deep down, you might know these patterns didn’t start with your current partner, friends, or family. They began much earlier — in the places where connection and safety were supposed to coexist, but didn’t.

Those early cracks in connection are what therapists call attachment wounds.

And while they might be invisible, their echoes show up in every area of life — in love, friendships, parenting, and even how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, I often meet people who say, “I’ve done therapy before, I understand where this comes from… but I still feel it.”

That’s where Brainspotting can become a bridge — helping you move from understanding your pain to actually releasing it.

What Are Attachment Wounds?

Attachment wounds form when, as children, our emotional needs for love, attunement, or safety weren’t met consistently. Maybe a parent was loving but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you learned that being quiet or “good” was the only way to stay connected. Or perhaps love was mixed with fear, anger, or unpredictability.

These early experiences shape what’s called our attachment style — the internal map that teaches us what relationships mean. When that map is built on uncertainty, we may learn to:

• Fear of being abandoned or rejected.
• Keep emotions to ourselves to avoid conflict.
• Feel responsible for other people’s moods.
• Push people away before they can hurt us.

Even as adults, these learned patterns live deep in the nervous system. You can know you’re safe, but your body might still react like you’re not.

Why Understanding Isn’t Always Enough

Many clients tell me, “I’ve talked about my childhood in therapy. I get it. But I still freeze, panic, or shut down when something triggers me.”

That’s because attachment trauma doesn’t live in logic — it lives in the body.
These wounds are held in the brain’s subcortical regions — the parts responsible for instinct, survival, and emotional memory. They don’t speak the language of words. They speak through sensations, tension, and reactions that feel out of your control.

This is where Brainspotting becomes so powerful — it helps access those deeper parts of the brain where talk therapy can’t reach.

What Is Brainspotting?

Brainspotting is a powerful yet gentle therapeutic approach developed by Dr. David Grand. It’s based on the idea that where you look affects how you feel.

In a Brainspotting session, you and your therapist notice specific eye positions — called brainspots — that link to emotional or physical activation in the body. By focusing your gaze there and staying present with what arises, your brain naturally begins to process and release stored trauma.

It’s not hypnosis or guided imagery — you stay aware and in control. But your brain and body start communicating in ways they’ve long been trying to.

Brainspotting helps create the conditions your nervous system needs to heal — safety, attunement, and space. It allows you to finally access emotions that once felt too overwhelming to face, but now, in a safe environment, you can move through them instead of staying stuck.

How Brainspotting Helps Heal Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds often involve the deepest kind of disconnection — the kind that says, “I’m not worthy of love,” or “If I show who I really am, I’ll be left.”

Brainspotting helps you approach these beliefs not by fighting them, but by meeting them with compassion and curiosity.

Here’s how it helps:

1. Regulating the Nervous System:
   When attachment wounds are triggered, your body may go into fight, flight, or freeze. Brainspotting helps you notice and soothe those physical reactions, teaching your nervous system what safety feels like again.
   
2. Reconnecting with Emotion:
   Many people with attachment trauma learned early on to disconnect from their emotions to survive. Brainspotting gently helps you reconnect — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable and empowering.
   
3. Rewiring Old Patterns:
   Over time, the brain begins to form new pathways — ones rooted in calm, trust, and presence. You start to respond rather than react.
   
4. Building Secure Attachment from Within:
   Healing attachment wounds isn’t about changing others — it’s about creating safety inside yourself. Brainspotting allows you to internalize a sense of secure attachment, often for the first time.

What a Session Feels Like

Each session begins by finding a place in your body where you feel the emotional intensity of what you’re working through — it might be a tight chest, a heavy stomach, or a lump in your throat.
Your therapist helps you find a corresponding eye position — your brainspot — that connects to that feeling.

From there, you notice what happens in your body as you stay present. Some people feel tingling, tears, warmth, or even deep calm. Others feel subtle shifts over time. There’s no right way — your brain knows what to do.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, you don’t have to retell every painful story. You just need to notice what’s happening inside you, in real time, with the support of someone attuned to you.

Common Signs You Might Be Carrying Attachment Wounds

You don’t need to have gone through overt trauma to have attachment wounds. They often show up in quieter ways:

• You crave closeness but fear rejection.
• You feel responsible for others’ happiness.
• You struggle to trust or depend on anyone.
• You often feel unseen, even in relationships.
• You avoid conflict but end up feeling resentful.
• You lose yourself trying to keep the peace.

These patterns aren’t flaws — they’re survival strategies that once kept you safe. Brainspotting helps you honor those parts of yourself, while slowly teaching them that it’s okay to let go.

Brainspotting vs. Traditional Talk Therapy

Talk therapy offers valuable insight, understanding, and connection. But when it comes to deeply rooted emotional patterns, understanding alone doesn’t always create change.

Brainspotting complements talk therapy by engaging the parts of the brain that talk can’t reach. It’s a bottom-up process — meaning healing starts in the body and nervous system, then integrates upward into thoughts and emotions.

Clients often describe Brainspotting as a felt experience rather than a cognitive one. It’s about releasing what’s been stored — the grief, the fear, the loneliness — so that your mind and body can finally align.

What Healing Attachment Wounds Can Feel Like

Healing isn’t instant or linear. But with time, you may notice:

• Feeling calmer in relationships.
• No longer needing to over-explain or please to feel safe.
• Being able to hold your boundaries without guilt.
• Feeling present and grounded in your body.
• Experiencing closeness without fear of losing yourself.

These shifts don’t mean forgetting what happened — they mean your nervous system has learned that you’re safe now.

What Therapy Looks Like at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, therapy for attachment wounds isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a space where you can be seen and felt exactly as you are.

Sessions are guided at your pace — never rushed, never forced. Whether you’re new to therapy or have done deep work before, Brainspotting meets you where words leave off.

You’ll learn to notice the subtle ways your body responds to safety and stress, and over time, those new experiences of safety begin to rewrite the old story.

Both in-person and online Brainspotting sessions are available to clients across Pasadena and throughout California, offering flexibility and consistency in your healing process.

Reclaiming Connection — With Yourself and Others

When you’ve spent years feeling unseen or misunderstood, it’s easy to think real connection isn’t possible. But healing your attachment wounds doesn’t erase your past — it transforms your relationship with it.

Through Brainspotting, you can begin to feel safe in your body again.

You can learn that love doesn’t have to hurt, that closeness doesn’t mean danger, and that you can hold space for your own needs without losing connection to others.

You don’t have to do this alone. Healing begins when you feel safe — and that safety can start right here.

Begin Your Healing Journey

If this resonates with you — if you’re ready to gently explore the roots of your attachment wounds — Brainspotting can help you reconnect to yourself and others in ways you didn’t think possible.

Here Counseling offers Brainspotting therapy for attachment trauma, emotional healing, and relational growth.

Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right support, it becomes possible — one moment of safety at a time.

Watching someone you care about go through trauma therapy can stir up mixed emotions — hope, worry, even helplessness. You want to help, but you may not know how. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an intense yet deeply healing process, and your understanding can make a real difference.

At Here Counseling, we often meet partners, family members, and friends who ask, “What can I do to support them?” This article offers compassionate, practical guidance — what to do before, during, and after sessions, and what to avoid — so you can walk alongside your loved one with confidence and care.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR is a structured trauma-processing therapy that helps people reprocess distressing memories so they no longer feel as overwhelming or intrusive. Using bilateral stimulation — often gentle eye movements or taps — EMDR helps the brain “re-file” painful experiences in a more adaptive way.

A typical EMDR process includes several phases: history-taking, preparation, assessment, desensitization, installation, and closure. Your loved one’s therapist moves at a pace that prioritizes safety and emotional regulation.

You don’t need to understand all the technical details — your emotional presence matters more than your knowledge. Simply knowing that EMDR helps people heal from the inside out is enough to ground your support.

Before Sessions: How to Prepare and Show Support

Therapy days can take a lot of emotional energy. Your loved one may feel nervous or reflective even before their appointment. Small gestures of support can make a big difference.

Practical support might mean taking on small responsibilities — arranging childcare, handling dinner, or helping with logistics so they can head to therapy without rushing. Keeping their day low-stress allows them to focus on what matters: healing.

Emotional support starts with curiosity, not assumption. Try asking, “Is there anything you’d like me to know before your session?” or “Would you like quiet time afterward?” Avoid asking for a play-by-play of what happens — EMDR works best when clients feel safe and unpressured.

Self-education also helps. Read a basic EMDR overview or ask your loved one if their therapist has handouts you could look at. Understanding trauma-informed language (like “window of tolerance” or “grounding”) helps you respond in a supportive, non-reactive way.

After Sessions: What Helps and What to Avoid

After EMDR sessions, people often feel tired, vulnerable, or “foggy.” Sometimes they feel lighter — sometimes stirred up. Healing isn’t linear.

What helps most is stability. Offer calm routines like a shared meal, a short walk, or time together doing something gentle and grounding. Check in with open-ended kindness: “Would you like to talk, or do you want quiet?” Respect their answer.

Avoid asking for details or interpreting what they share (“That must mean you’re almost done healing!”). Don’t make their process about your need for reassurance — your steadiness is the reassurance they need.

If they seem triggered or disoriented, gentle grounding helps. You can remind them to notice the room, feel their feet, or take a slow breath. Most EMDR clients learn self-regulation skills during therapy — simply being a calm presence helps them access those tools.

Communication Tips: Words That Help

When you’re not sure what to say, simplicity works best. Try phrases like:

• “I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “I can sit with you quietly if that’s better.”
• “What would help right now?”

Avoid trying to analyze or “cheer up” your loved one. Validation is healing: “That sounds really hard” or “I can see this takes courage.”

And remember — you matter too. Setting limits is part of healthy support. It’s okay to say, “I’m here for you, but I need a bit of time to recharge tonight.” Boundaries allow you to show up with genuine care, not burnout.

When to Be More Involved

Sometimes, a loved one’s EMDR process reveals patterns or dynamics in close relationships. If your partner or family member’s therapist suggests including you in a joint session, consider it an opportunity — not a sign something’s “wrong.”

You might join a check-in to better understand their triggers or learn shared regulation tools. Always let your loved one take the lead in inviting this. Contacting their therapist directly can feel intrusive, but expressing openness — “If your therapist ever thinks it’d help for me to join, I’m willing” — keeps communication safe and clear.

Caring for Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting someone through trauma work can be deeply rewarding — but it can also be emotionally draining. You might feel worry, guilt, frustration, or even jealousy of the therapist. These feelings are normal.

Give yourself permission to step back when needed. Schedule your own downtime or consider your own therapy or peer-support space to process what comes up. When you take care of yourself, you model emotional regulation — the very skill your loved one is practicing in EMDR.

Red Flags: When to Seek Extra Help

While most EMDR journeys are steady, there are times when extra support is crucial.

If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts, becomes increasingly withdrawn, or starts using substances to cope — don’t handle it alone. Encourage them to reach out to their therapist or crisis services immediately.

And if there are any signs of relationship safety issues — emotional or physical — seek professional help right away. Healing cannot happen in unsafe environments.

A Simple Checklist for Support

• Offer practical help with small tasks on therapy days
• Create a calm, quiet post-session space together
• Ask what they need — and really listen
• Learn one or two grounding exercises you can do together
• Avoid forcing details or interpretations
• Respect their pace and privacy
• Care for your own emotional wellbeing

Closing Thoughts

Healing from trauma is rarely a straight path — it’s a journey with gentle steps forward, pauses, and moments of deep courage. If you’re supporting someone in EMDR therapy, your steady presence is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

At Here Counseling, we believe that healing happens not just in therapy rooms, but also in the safe, caring connections around us. If you or your loved one want to learn more about EMDR or explore trauma-informed support, reach out to our care coordinator to begin the next step together.

Living with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) can often feel like being in two worlds at once — one where you’re present, functioning, and doing your best to move forward, and another where parts of you are still stuck in the past. One of the most common and confusing symptoms of CPTSD is dissociation, a survival response that once kept you safe but now leaves you feeling detached or disconnected from yourself and others.

At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we often meet people who describe feeling “numb,” “out of it,” or “like I’m watching my life instead of living it.” These experiences are far more common than you might think — and they’re not signs of weakness or brokenness. They’re signs of survival.

In this post, we’ll explore what CPTSD and dissociation really are, how they’re connected, what they feel like, and how therapy can help you gently reconnect with your body, mind, and sense of safety.

What Is CPTSD?

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) develops after chronic or repeated trauma, often in relationships where escape or protection wasn’t possible — such as childhood neglect, abuse, or ongoing emotional harm.

Unlike PTSD, which usually stems from a single traumatic event, CPTSD is the result of prolonged trauma. It affects how a person sees themselves, others, and the world around them. Many people with CPTSD struggle with:

• Persistent fear or shame
  
• Difficulty trusting others
  
• Emotional dysregulation
  
• Negative self-image
  
• Feeling perpetually unsafe, even in calm situations
  

Over time, these symptoms can make you feel like you’re always on guard or living in survival mode. And when that stress becomes too much, the mind finds ways to protect you — one of which is dissociation.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation is the mind’s way of creating distance from pain. When an experience feels overwhelming or intolerable, your brain protects you by numbing out, zoning out, or detaching from what’s happening.

You might notice dissociation as:

• Feeling “spacey” or detached from your body
  
• Losing chunks of time or struggling to recall events
  
• Watching yourself as if from outside your body
  
• Feeling emotionally flat or numb
  
• Being unable to connect with people or surroundings
  

In moments of intense fear or trauma, dissociation can be life-saving. It allows you to endure what otherwise would be too much. But when it becomes a regular way of coping, it can make healing and connection difficult — because it keeps you disconnected from your present reality and your emotions.

How CPTSD and Dissociation Are Connected

CPTSD and dissociation often go hand in hand. When trauma happens repeatedly — especially during developmental years — the nervous system learns to disconnect as a primary form of protection.

Children who couldn’t physically or emotionally escape unsafe environments learned to “leave” mentally instead. That same coping mechanism can continue into adulthood, even when the danger is no longer present.

This can lead to:

• Feeling detached during stress or conflict
  
• Losing focus during emotionally charged conversations
  
• Having difficulty remembering parts of your life
  
• A sense of “not being real” or that your life isn’t your own

Many people describe this as living behind a glass wall — watching life happen but not feeling like they’re part of it.

The important truth is this: you are not broken for dissociating. Your mind found a creative, protective way to survive when you needed it most. Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of that part of you — it means helping it feel safe enough to rest.

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Dissociation

Everyone experiences moments of mild dissociation — like daydreaming or “zoning out” during a long drive. But for people with CPTSD, dissociation can be deeper and more frequent.

Some signs include:

• Frequent forgetfulness or “lost time”
  
• Feeling emotionally numb or distant
  
• Difficulty staying present in conversations
  
• Feeling like your body isn’t your own
  
• Struggling to feel connected to loved ones
  
• Sudden emotional shifts without clear triggers
  

If you notice these patterns interfering with daily life, work, or relationships, it may be helpful to reach out for trauma-informed therapy.

How Therapy Helps With CPTSD and Dissociation

Healing from CPTSD and dissociation takes patience and compassion. It’s not about forcing yourself to “feel” or “remember” everything — it’s about slowly building a sense of safety and control in your body again.

At Here Counseling, therapy for CPTSD and dissociation is gentle, attuned, and body-aware. It often involves a combination of:

1. Creating Safety and Stabilization

The first step is to help your nervous system feel safe. Through grounding exercises, mindfulness, and resourcing, you’ll learn to notice when you’re starting to disconnect — and gently bring yourself back to the present.

2. Understanding Your Triggers

Together, we’ll explore what situations or sensations lead to dissociation. This awareness helps you anticipate and manage those moments instead of being caught off guard by them.

3. Building Mind-Body Connection

Somatic approaches (like breathing, gentle movement, or guided visualization) help you reconnect with your body in safe, gradual ways. The goal isn’t to push — it’s to invite awareness and rebuild trust with your body.

4. Processing Trauma Safely

Once you have the tools to stay grounded, therapy can gently address the root causes of trauma. This might include narrative therapy, EMDR, or parts work to integrate fragmented experiences into a cohesive sense of self.

5. Reconnecting With Yourself and Others

As safety grows, dissociation lessens. You begin to feel emotions again — not all at once, but in ways that feel manageable. Relationships start to feel more real and fulfilling, and the sense of “aliveness” slowly returns.

Why Healing Is Possible

It’s important to know that dissociation doesn’t mean you’re beyond healing. It means your system has worked overtime to protect you — and now it’s asking for rest and care.

Healing CPTSD and dissociation takes time, but it’s absolutely possible. With consistent support, you can:

• Feel grounded and present in your daily life
  
• Develop healthier emotional regulation
  
• Build trust and intimacy in relationships
  
• Experience joy and safety in your body again
  

Therapy isn’t about erasing the past — it’s about giving yourself the tools to live fully in the present.

When to Reach Out for Help

If you find yourself often “checking out,” feeling emotionally numb, or struggling to stay connected to reality, you don’t have to face it alone.

At Here Counseling, we work with clients who have experienced complex trauma, chronic stress, and dissociation. Together, we’ll move at your pace — no pressure, no judgment — just a steady commitment to helping you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have felt out of reach.

Whether you prefer in-person sessions in Pasadena or online therapy from the safety of your home, help is available. Healing begins when you take that first step toward being heard and supported.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is dissociation the same as daydreaming?
Not exactly. While both involve detachment from the present, dissociation is often a trauma response — a deeper disconnection that happens when the mind feels unsafe.

Can we heal from dissociation completely?
Many people experience significant healing. With therapy, you can learn to recognize dissociation as it happens and stay grounded for longer periods. Over time, those protective patterns naturally lessen.

How long does it take to recover from CPTSD?
There’s no set timeline. Recovery depends on your history, support system, and pace of therapy. Healing isn’t linear — but every small step counts.

What type of therapy works best for CPTSD and dissociation?
Trauma-informed approaches such as Somatic Therapy, EMDR, and Parts Work (IFS) can be especially effective, as they address both the mind and body.

Can online therapy help with CPTSD and dissociation?
Yes. Online trauma therapy can be a safe and effective way to start your healing journey — especially if being at home feels more comfortable.

You Deserve to Feel Whole Again

You don’t have to stay disconnected from yourself. CPTSD and dissociation can feel isolating, but with the right support, you can slowly come home to your body, your emotions, and your life.

At Here Counseling, healing is not about fixing you — it’s about helping you remember that you were never broken to begin with.