Maybe you’re wondering about how EMDR therapy can treat trauma. Trauma can negatively impact an individual’s life and well-being for years, even decades, after the traumatic event has passed. Trauma is a natural survival response to any life-threatening situation. If you’ve experienced trauma, you may notice how it seems to intrude into everyday situations.
Trauma can impact:
Sleep: the quality and restfulness of your sleep
Relationships: increase feelings of insecurity and fear
Addiction: increased dependence on external substances to reduce symptoms
Focus: increased scattered, intrusive thoughts
Our brains heal from trauma.
In fact, like a wound that simply needs rest and clean bandages, there’s a natural reparative process that takes place – all on its own – when our minds feel safe enough. We find ourselves sharing more, feeling more, telling the story of what happened with a trusted other. EMDR therapy taps into this natural healing process.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. In this article, you’ll learn how EMDR works for you, and why the relationship between the therapist and client is key in producing long-term change.
How EMDR works
EMDR therapy is based on the idea that traumatic memories are stored in a person’s brain in an unintegrated form. Normally, in non-traumatic experiences, memories of the experience can be retrieved and shelved easily with language (think of checking out a video at a library), giving us control and mastery. When someone experiences a traumatic event, however, their brain shields itself from the painful memory, leading to the memory becoming “stuck” in the right prefrontal cortex and limbic system. This can result in persistent symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR therapy works by accessing these stored memories and integrating them through a shared experience with the therapist.
EMDR Therapy and Tapping
The key component of EMDR therapy is the rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes, also known as “tapping.” This tapping is believed to stimulate the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate the traumatic memories. As a result, the negative emotions and physical sensations associated with the trauma are reduced. The individual is then able to move beyond the event and regain control of their life.
EMDR Therapy and the hidden ingredient: Your therapist
While the tapping component of EMDR therapy is crucial, it is not the only factor that leads to successful outcomes. In fact, research has shown that the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist iseven more importantin producing long-term change in trauma. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to explore their traumatic experiences and work through them in a controlled and guided manner.
Your brain wants – and even needs – to process trauma. Biologically, your brain is looking for safety. While safety can come from trusting a specific intervention or technique, such as EMDR, it will primarily come from your relationship with your therapist. Your ability to feel comfortable and safe with your therapist is exactly the environment your brain is looking for to integrate a painful emotional experience.
A good EMDR therapist will help you
Gingerly approach the trauma, listening to your comfort level
Will appropriately challenge you to trust yourself to share
Give you space to stop when you’re feeling overwhelmed
Review and help you understand what you’re feeling
Check in about your symptoms
In conclusion, EMDR therapy is a powerful tool in helping individuals overcome trauma and regain control of their lives. The rapid back-and-forth movement of the eyes (tapping) stimulates the brain’s information processing system, allowing it to process and integrate traumatic memories. However, it is the therapeutic relationship between the client and therapist that is the most important factor in producing long-term change. A strong therapeutic relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for the individual to work through their traumatic experiences, leading to a more successful outcome.
EMDR Therapy can help you
Consider reaching out to a qualified EMDR therapist. With the right support and guidance, it is possible to overcome trauma and reclaim your life.
You want a therapist who fits you, who you feel safe talking with. I promise, it’s worth it to work through trauma. We can help you find the right fit so you can regain health and peace.
Your child isn’t getting good grades, even though they are smart. Maybe you spend hours convincing and helping them to complete to their homework. Or they rush through their work, making many mistakes. Perhaps they forget to turn in their homework. Or teachers are concerned about their ability to focus in class.
If these scholastic struggles sound familiar, then a psychological assessment for ADHD can provide the answers you need.
What Are The Benefits Of An ADHD Assessment?
An ADHD assessment assesses multiple factors that can help you understand your child and learn how they can succeed academically. A comprehensive assessment can provide additional answers. The benefits of a comprehensive ADHD assessment include understanding how your child brain functions, how they learn, and what other emotional challenges, such as anxiety or depression, are contributing.
The process of an ADHD assessment provides three major answers:
What an ADHD Assessment Provides
Diagnosis and Recommendations
Following the ADHD assessment, you will receive a written report that includes a diagnosis (if applicable) and recommendations. Recommendations include strategies for school, parenting, and medical and/or mental health treatment. You may provide this report to your child’s school if the psychologist recommends you advocate for more academic support.
ADHD Medication
Additionally, you may give the report to your child’s pediatrician or psychiatrist if you are interested in medication for your child. If you are not interested in medication, your pediatrician may recommend other supplements, such as melatonin for sleep or an Omega supplement to help with focus. Your pediatrician may address other nutritional imbalances that can impact ADHD symptoms.
Parenting Strategies
The report will also provide parenting strategies. Parenting is never easy. A child with ADHD, however, may require some additional support. This can make parenting more challenging. Additionally, parenting a child with ADHD likely looks different to the parenting your other children or your friend’s children require. Thus, recommended strategies will be tailored to fit your child’s specific situation. This can include transitioning between multiple households, difficulty with sleep, or a busy family schedule.
Empower Yourself And Your Child With An ADHD Assessment
It may feel overwhelming to meet your child’s needs especially with, no doubt, numerous other demands on your time. One of the major benefits of an ADHD assessment is that it provides a road map. It can help reveal what your child needs and how to start providing this. Then, both you and your child can feel confident to take the next steps towards effective change.
Schedule Your Consultation Today
Schedule a free consultation call to see if an ADHD assessment would benefit your child. For more information on the assessment process and strategies, you can download my ADHD Field Guide.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
The diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is getting thrown around everywhere these days. It’s so common that some parents have become suspicious of the label while others become concerned that every problem their child has may be related to ADHD. But what actually is ADHD and would it be helpful to get a diagnosis for your child?
What is ADHD?
ADHD is more than just attention problems or hyperactivity. It is a mental health diagnosis that includes a long list of symptoms that occur when children (and adults) have difficulty with executive functioning. Executive functioning is our brain’s ability to plan ahead, sustain attention, organize, and stop certain behaviors.
When your child is arguing for the one hundredth time about taking a shower and you want to yell at them to just do it, but instead you take a deep breath and speak calmly…that is your brain using executive functioning to monitor your behavior. Getting yourself to focus on work, planning out what you need to do today and finishing the dishes when you don’t want to…that is also your brain using executive functioning.
Attention problems are a sign of ADHD but there is more to it.
What are the Symptoms of ADHD?
Here are some other signs of ADHD:
Loosing things frequently
Difficulty starting tasks (Ex. Needs frequent reminders to do homework or chores)
Difficulty completing tasks or following through with instructions (Ex. Completes homework but forgets to turn it in)
Makes frequent mistakes on things that they should know
Forgets things that they have to do daily
Gets easily distracted
Fidgets constantly
Has difficulty sitting still in sitting is required
Seems to be aways on the go
Runs or climbs when it is not appropriate to do so
Not able to play quietly
Blurts out answers to questions
Has difficulty waiting turns
Does not play quietly but is always making noise
Likely your child has struggled with one or more of these items, even if they do not have ADHD. And very few children will have all of these symptoms. But if your child has many of these symptoms AND it is impacting school, their ability to make friends or making home life very difficult, then they may need additional support.
When Should I Get Help?
If you are looking at this list and your child meets more than 5 of these regularly or a specific symptom is causing significant concern, then getting an evaluation from your pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional may be helpful. Without a professional evaluation, it is difficult to know for sure if your child meets criteria. This is because there are a few other factors involved. For example, other things can look like ADHD…like past trauma, anxiety, difficulty transitioning between homes or learning difficulties.
Is Getting a Diagnosis Important?
Getting a professional diagnosis may be helpful for you to know how to better support your child and to give you a road map of what to do next. A diagnosis can help you advocate for accommodations at school, discuss treatment with your pediatrician or know how to better structure your child’s time at home.
Living in a new country as a refugee or trying to change your immigration status can be very stressful. Maybe you are worried that a family member will face deportation. No matter the situation, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that you or your loved one will be able to legally stay in the United States. How could a psychological evaluation help you?
Immigration Psychological Evaluation
For many immigration applications, a psychological evaluation can support your case. This evaluation provides a clear portrayal of your story and describes the hardship you have already faced or expect to face in the future due to deportation. If you have suffered any psychological or physical abuse, it is valuable to have the mental impact of this abuse well documented.
This article provides a brief description of the kinds of cases in which a psychological evaluation may be helpful. However, this is not legal advice. Consult your attorney about whether a psychological evaluation would support your case.
Extreme Hardship Waiver
In extreme hardship cases, a waiver can be provided to an applicant if their removal from the US would cause “extreme hardship” for a family member who is a citizen or lawful permanent resident. Your case must show that there will be extreme hardship if family members are separated due to deportation or if family members must relocate with the one being deported. Extreme hardship is defined by the US Citizenship and Immigration Services as a hardship that is more than what is commonly expected for family separation or relocation. Factors in determining hardship may include access to health care, finances, education, caring for family members, safety, and social or cultural impact.
A psychological report can help to clearly document your situation and the hardship that would result in either family separation or relocation. If separation or relocation may include mental health concerns, a psychological report is invaluable to describe how mental health is likely to be impacted.
Cheerful aunt laughing and giving cheese to niece while enjoying with family in kitchen at home during weekend
Spousal Abuse (VAWA)
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was created to provide a pathway to legal status for family members who have experienced abuse from a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (LPR). An immigrant family member is usually reliant on a U.S. citizen or LPR to petition for legal status on their behalf. But for cases in which there has been abuse, VAWA provides protection for individuals to apply without the knowledge, consent, or participation of their abuser. This protection is not just for women, but includes all spouses, children, and parents who have suffered abuse and who would otherwise be dependent on their abuser to apply for immigrant status.
Abuse in these cases is described as “battery and extreme cruelty.” This includes physical and sexual abuse as well as non-violent acts or threats of violence that are used to control the victim (ex. isolation, blaming, threats of deportation, etc.)
A psychological evaluation can be provided as evidence to demonstrate battery and extreme cruelty. Meeting with a psychologist for an evaluation allows clear documentation of the psychological and emotional hardship you have experienced. It allows your story to be portrayed accurately and compassionately in a comprehensive written report.
U Visa
A U Visa is similar to a VAWA case in that it allows an individual to self-petition for legal status due to having been the victim of a crime. It provides protection for those who have “suffered substantial mental or physical abuse.” In order to meet requirements, the victim must be willing to participate with law enforcement.
In these cases, a psychological evaluation can be helpful to document and provide evidence for the mental and emotional impact of abuse.
Asylum
Lastly, a psychological evaluation may be helpful if you are seeking asylum. In order to receive asylum status in the United States, you must show that you have suffered persecution or have a well-founded fear of persecution in your home country. Persecution may be based on factors such as race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a social group experiencing discrimination.
A psychological evaluation documents the persecution or suffering you have already experienced before coming to the United States or the reason why you are fearful that you would not be safe if you returned to your home country. It can also help document the reasons why you did not apply within the year deadline of arrival in the US, if applicable.
In all of these cases, you want a professional who will treat your case with compassion and expertise. I will work closely with your immigration attorney to create a helpful report that clearly documents what you have been through, your current situation, and any hardship you expect in the future. A psychological evaluation gives you confidence that your unique immigration story will be heard and that evidence for mental health impact will be presented.
Sometimes focusing our attention feels impossible. As soon as we settle down at the computer, or into a conversation, we can find ourselves darting around, proverbially switching channels back and forth. We can start to wonder, “Do I have ADHD?”
Today we’re going to look at what actually happens in the brain when we have trouble focusing. Whether or not you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, understanding how our brains pay attention will help you make changes so you can hold attention in a healthy way.
Here’s what’s happening in the brain when you focus attention
Your mind is constantly receiving thousands of inputs every second – from your skin and muscles (the uncomfortable chair you’re sitting in), from your ears (that air conditioning in the background), from your stomach (it’s been a while since breakfast!), from your social awareness (I’m surrounded by people right now) and from communication from others (this article teaching you about ADHD), among other things.
It’s a wonder that your mind can focus its attention at all. It needs a way of organizing a whole world of constantly changing pieces of information so it can keep you safe. The way the mind does this is really important: it focuses your attention on threats so it can resolve them and feel safe again.
Attention Neurology:
The floodgate. First, your mind measures how much information it wants to take in. Picture the difference between eating an apple on an empty stomach, versus eating an apple after an ice cream sundae. On an empty stomach, you might taste intense, complex flavors from the apple. After an ice cream sundae, however, it might hardly taste sweet. This is the job of the reticular formation. It measures how much stimulation (excitement) your brain can take to keep you somewhere between feeling bored and overwhelmed.
The emotional stamp (limbic system). Next, the information is stamped with emotion. Like a message coded by urgency (?), the limbic system tags how important this new information is to your safety and prepares your body to respond. When you feel a tinge of stomach tension at receiving an email from your boss, it’s because your limbic system told you there’s a threat to your safety: you could be in danger of being dismissed or abandoned. Your entire body responds right away, changing your heart rate, blood flow, and attention so you can be safe.
The planning center (prefrontal cortex).Imagine a rider on top of an emotional elephant. The elephant is our emotional brain, charging haphazardly away from danger and toward safety. The rider (prefrontal cortex) has to decide how to direct the elephant’s energy. The rider is a bit frustrated with the elephant’s erratic impulses! He tries to navigate the elephant in a straight line toward the main goal of connection and safety, taking into account social norms, past experiences and outcomes, contextual cues, and other emotions in ourselves and others. The rider considers two main voices: the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) and Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS). The BAS is like a forward-thinking rider. She decides how to direct the elephant’s energy down a certain path. It’s good at planning logical steps that help it achieve goals and satisfy needs for connection and safety. The BIS is like a cautious rider. She pulls the reigns to keep the elephant from running wild. She’s concerned with holding back on emotional impulses, trying to steer clear of social stigma, rejection, and shame.
The reward center (ventral striatum). Think of a party at the end of a marathon: the runner endures enormous pain, finally crosses the finish line, and feels immense relief and pleasure. He completes the goal and finally wins the needed sustenance and support. His brain is flooded with dopamine, which slows his heart rate and relaxes his muscles. Next time he runs the marathon, his mind will stay on task, knowing the reward at the end.
To summarize,
Whenever your mind receives an input, it first evaluates its strength and connection to your survival, and you feel your body become ready to respond. Your prefrontal cortex then plans what to do – to either resolve the need or suppress it and stay on task toward the current goal and reward.
So let’s say you’re writing a brief.
When the project first came up, you felt excitement. Your limbic system tagged the project as important because of your long term goal to make money – and more importantly – be included in a community and avoid abandonment (safety).
Right away, you felt engaged with the project. Your BAS was organizing your excitement and planning different behaviors to get closer to your goal. You might sit down and outline your project.
BUT THEN – you get a text. This time it’s from your partner. It says, “I didn’t feel great about how we ended last night.” You feel another rush in your body. This time, it’s not excitement but anxiety. Suddenly the project is out of your mind. If you pay attention, you might notice your BAS organizing yourself differently: “If I don’t respond right away, will they think I don’t care?” You feel the pain of an attachment strained. Your BIS then struggles to evaluate. How important is this new goal in relation to the project? How do I weigh my long-term survival against this immediate conflict? Should I stop working on the project now and call my partner?
Just then, a co-worker asks you a question. “Did you see the game last night?” Your mind is now balancing a few different bids for attention. This is where you start to feel your mind struggling to focus.
Attention problems can be caused by a few different areas
If you struggle with holding attention, there may be a problem with one or several of the brain areas we mentioned earlier.
Now, before we jump ahead, it’s important to note that the structure of your brain is the combination of your genetics, past experiences, and present experience. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say about 50% of your brain’s structure is caused by your genetics, and 50% is the result of your environment. Why is this important? Too many people confuse “brain structure” with organic/genetic causes. If you have a weakness in your reward pathway, making it difficult to feel pleasure when you achieve a goal, it might be because of an organic/genetic difference, or it might be due to the way rewards have been handled throughout your life. Both genetics and experience alter the structure of your brain.
With this in mind, let’s look at different ways you might be experiencing problems with attention.
Is my focus issue a “floodgate” problem?
Sometimes our problems in attention have to do with how stimulating our environment is. Each of us has a “Goldilocks” zone where we aren’t too bored or overwhelmed, where things are just right and we feel engaged. For some of us, reading a book doesn’t hold our attention. It feels boring and it’s hard to pay attention. For others it feels just right: a quiet room, a book, low light is the perfect amount of stimulation to hold our attention. This has to do with our floodgate, the reticular formation, that is monitoring the volume of the world around us.
Extraverts might need to add music, bright light, or tap their feet to raise the volume of the reading so they can pay attention. Introverts tend to feel overwhelmed by this idea! They might struggle to engage with reading in a loud room, needing to pull away into a quiet room to read.
How about you? If you struggle with attention, it’s possible that you’re either overwhelmed (“I can’t focus! It’s too much!”), or bored (“I can’t focus! It’s too mind-numbing!”).
Try adjusting the volume of the task by adding or removing stimulation.
Add music or exercise beforehand to make a boring task more engaging. Retreat to a quiet space away from distractions to make an overwhelming task more engaging. These volume adjustments help us focus our attention.
Is my focus issue an emotional problem?
Attention is anything but a cognitive task. Attention is mostly an emotional task that begins and ends in our brain’s limbic system (emotional center). Our emotional state is the elephant that moves our attention toward a goal to help us feel safe and connected. If anxiety and dread overwhelm you, writing a report is going to be incredibly difficult. Your mind will keep redirecting, over and over, toward your emotional state.
If you’re depressed, your concentration suffers. Your mind will keep redirecting toward your sadness. But if your mood improves, so does your attention. You’ll even find yourself being more creative at solving problems.
So what do we do? Trying to force ourselves to pay attention when we’re emotionally overwhelmed is like a tiny rider on top of that emotional elephant: it’s not gonna do much good.
The only solution is to help ourselves feel safe.
Regulating our emotions, and soothing ourselves is the first step. Sometimes this is as simple as reminding yourself of a loved one who cares about you. Other times this is about addressing emotional patterns in therapy.
Is my focus issue a planning problem?
After you feel an emotion and your body gets ready to act, your prefrontal lobe starts to plan how to achieve the goal. Sometimes it means telling yourself to stop working on other goals. Other times it means taking time to plan out each step you need to get to your goal. How you manage these two voices (BAS and BIS) has a lot to do with how others in your life have helped you achieve goals. For example, picture a child who’s trying to stack blocks, and gets frustrated. The parent who swoops in and stacks the blocks for the child, while well-intended, doesn’t help the child learn the planning skills they need. A parent that shows the child step by step how to stack the blocks will help strengthen the child’s frontal lobe, nurturing their ability to set and achieve goals.
In the same way, if we struggle with attention problems today, it might be a planning issue. Maybe it’s hard for you to take a moment to stop and plan the steps to get to your goal. Maybe it’s hard to say “no” to something you want so you can get the larger goal. This can be a powerless feeling – like there’s no way to move forward. This is where we switch attention – largely to avoid feeling powerless.
If this sounds like you, you’ll need to take the time to outsource this part of your brain to a checklist.
You might try taking time, before the start of the task, to outline the steps you’re going to need to take to get it done. You might also benefit from therapy. Addressing and understanding the feelings you have about setting goals can help you feel focused and in control again.
Is my focus issue a reward problem?
Sometimes our problem with holding attention has to do with a lack of reward. If we can hold our attention well, it’s because we know that by planning and holding out attention on a task, we’ll feel good again, relieved. Think of an Olympic athlete: they strain to hold their attention hour after hour because of the promise of winning gold. Think of a parent who spends an hour learning to bake a cake for their child: they hold their attention because of the promise of vicariously feeling their child’s joy. We hold our attention when we know there will be a reward.
For some of us, there’s no promise of reward. Maybe your own childhood involved a depressed parent who struggled to “light up” when you achieved a goal, and you felt like you could never make them proud. This experience lays pathways in your frontal lobe that influence how you experience daily tasks. Or maybe you’re living alone, so cleaning your house goes unnoticed. Maybe you have a preoccupied boss who doesn’t reward your hard work. In each of these situations, it will be a struggle to hold attention on a task, because your mind struggles to see the reward it’s working toward.
If this is the main obstacle to holding your attention, you might tend to feel tasks are meaningless, hopeless, or boring.
How do we help this issue? Some suggest giving yourself a treat when you complete a task: like rewarding yourself with chocolate. You’re welcome to try that if it works for you! For many people, however, this will only get you halfway there. The dopamine (reward) area of the brain is built around social rewards. The strongest reward we can receive is another person’s praise.
If you struggle with reward pathways, don’t think of giving yourself a treat; think of making the task meaningful.
How can you link the task with how it will contribute to your feeling connected and helpful in the world? Is there a way to include others in the task so you can receive feedback and praise? Is there a way the task could help someone else? How could you change the task to heighten these aspects?
So, do I have ADHD?
ADHD requires a diagnosis, something you can get by scheduling an assessment with one of our psychologists. Why a psychologist? Because too often, we diagnose ADHD whenever we spot an attention problem, without considering other factors, such as emotional health, life stressors, introversion/extraversion, etc.
Whether or not you have ADHD, you can rework your relationship with attention. Whether it’s about reducing/increasing the input (floodgate), regulating your emotion (making it more meaningful or less panic-inducing in the limbic system), taking more/less time to plan, or giving yourself more meaningful rewards, there are ways we can shift gears to pay attention, regardless of your diagnosis.
The effort it takes to hold attention can be frustrating. Talk with one of our therapists today. We’ll help you find your way to feel on top of your life again.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
You have decided to adopt internationally and are likely feeling very excited about what this means for you, your family, and the child you will bring home. Even though you’re excited, all of the steps in the adoption process may feel daunting. For many international adoptions, one of those steps is completing a pre-adoption psychological evaluation. In a previous blog, I outlined the process of getting a pre-adoption psychological evaluation to have a general idea of what to expect. In this article, I want to answer some specific questions that I have gotten from families going through this process. Additionally, I want to provide information specific to my practice to help alleviate some anxiety.
Can this evaluation be done virtually?
The evaluation process includes two components: an interview and personality testing. Both can be done virtually. However, check with your adoption agency first to see if they would have any concerns with a virtual evaluation.
All evaluations and adoption paperwork will need to be approved by a committee in the country from which you hope to adopt. Each country has different standards and some may not approve virtual evaluations at this time.
I am able to provide evaluations both virtually and in person, based on your preference and agency’s recommendation. Since evaluations are usually completed in two sessions, one can be virtual and the other in person, if needed.
How long does the evaluation take?
Evaluations require 5-6 hours of your time and can be completed across multiple sessions.
How much does an international adoption evaluation cost?
Costs vary based on the testing required by the country from which you plan to adopt, and additional testing may be recommended at times. Currently, international adoption assessments through my practice generally cost $900-$1200 per individual.
What questions are asked during the interview?
Most clinical interviews include detailed information about your mental health, medical, employment, educational, and social history. However, some questions are specific to adoption. These questions may vary depending on the country from which you are adopting.
It is common to be asked about your journey to parenting through adoption. Questions may include why you decided to adopt and what factors led to this decision. You may also be asked about what you are hoping will result from the adoption. What are your dreams for your family? How do you envision life with an adopted child?
Other questions will explore your parenting style, including how you learned to parent (from your parents, prior experience, parenting classes, etc.). You may also be asked about your willingness to help a child connect with their biological family in the future and your understanding of stressors that your adopted child may have experienced before adoption.
Preparing for Adoption
There are a lot of questions involved but no need to be anxious! There are no “right” answer. Just be open to reflecting on your experience (the good and the bad) that led you to today. This evaluation is not to find your weaknesses but to give an accurate and complete sense of who you are and who you will be as a parent to an adopted child.
Though the evaluation may feel like just another step, it can also be a valuable time to reflect on your experience, identify strengths individually and as a couple, and talk about areas where you may need support. Bringing home a child is both exciting and stressful, so this evaluation helps you prepare for what is ahead.
“I don’t want you to just fix the situation – can’t you just hear me?”
For many couples this is a familiar rough spot. Maybe one partner is overwhelmed by something difficult, and the other partner – often well intentioned – responds by finding solutions to the pain. This can be a place of contention and can escalate quickly. Each partner can be frustrated. One feels unheard and dismissed, the other feels helpless.
Yet there’s a way both partners can learn to navigate these difficult moments to create deeper connection. To start, we need to ask an important question:
Why do we share emotions?
This may seem like a silly question, but let’s think about this for a minute. What is the function of sharing an emotion with another person? Why do we do it? Why, in this imagined scenario, does one partner want to be “heard” and share their feeling?
Emotions are at the core of our daily lived experience of the world. Before we think or act, we feel. A feeling is a potentiality toward a certain action. Just like hunger is a potentiality that is satisfied by eating (think of the cathartic relief of a large dinner after a day of fasting!), emotions are potentialities that are satisfied by… well, that’s a bit more unclear isn’t it?
Let’s think about this:
When we’re feeling sad, for example, what is the sadness needing?
When we’re feeling scared, what is the anxiety needing?
It’s needing to be shared.
This is what neuropsychologists call “attunement” – it’s the way our brains tune-in, just like a radio, to another person’s feeling. By tuning in and sharing the feeling together, something really remarkable happens: the feeling starts to recede. Sharing emotions is about inviting another person to experience our emotions with us so we can feel safe again.
Once we’re safe, it becomes much easier to think together about solutions.
Our frontal lobes, responsible for planning and strategic thinking, go offline when we’re overwhelmed, but do a much better job when we feel safe and understood.
This is a process that happens naturally for all of us. When we watch someone get tackled in a football game, our minds naturally share his emotional experience. When we watch a contestant win a sing-off, we find ourselves tearing up with them. Our anterior cingulate cortex is responsible for simulating another’s experience in our own minds. We are built to naturally do this – to deeply share and tune-in to the emotional experiences of others. This is such a powerful and constant experience, that it’s more accurate to say emotions happen BETWEEN people, rather than “within” a person.
So if this is so natural, why do we have such a hard time doing it with those closest to us?
Here’s the short answer: when we can’t attune to a certain feeling our partner is having, it’s because this feeling wasn’t attuned to well in our own histories. For some of us, we’ve learned that our own cries for help when we’re scared, or our own cries of sadness when we’re hurt actually drove our parents farther away from us. Or possibly, no one heard our cries at all. There can be an eerie sense that as you start to share that same emotion with someone today, that you’ll be left in the same bad place you were before: alone and maybe even ashamed. Tuning out of that emotion can be this way that you’re saying to yourself and your partner: “don’t cry out like that, I’ve known what it’s like and it doesn’t end well.”
These kinds of experiences – where we find ourselves pulling away instead of tuning in – can be powerful to share with our partners.
Sharing the ways our own anxiety or sadness or anger was dismissed can be an important step toward learning to tune in better together. It might be best to pick a moment when your partner and you have cooled down.
Therapy helps us grow in awareness about how our own histories of connection contribute to our experience of our current relationships. Growing in empathy and understanding for our own cries, our own ways of surviving, can help us see ourselves and others more clearly, and experience a more satisfying connection with others.
So next time a conversation comes up around a strong feeling, know that the best way to fix it is actually to tune in, share the emotional experience with your partner, and together feel safe and connected again.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
“How can parents best support their child during this time? We’re joined by Melissa Winfield, licensed clinical psychologist at Here Counseling in downtown Los Angeles, to discuss.”
Back-to-school looks different this year. After a year and a half of the pandemic, kids, parents and teachers are all feeling the impact of yet another transition. For some kids being back in the classroom is a highly anticipated relief from the challenges of remote learning. They are excited to see friends and have the support of teachers. Others are more worried about this change.
Even with the excitement, new transitions can increase anxiety and apprehension for children and teenagers. In order to help kids with this transition, we need to understand the unique stressors that children and teenagers are experiencing and the necessary parenting tools.
Mental Health Impact of Transition
All transitions, even happy ones, can cause increased stress for kids. They will be facing new expectations, engaging with new people, having to get up early again…and dealing with the emotional impact of the pandemic.
Unlike other years, many students have missed out on a whole year of being with peers and learning in person. This may result in the following experiences:
Increased self-consciousness about the changes in their bodies (ex. Growing taller, gaining weight, starting puberty)
More social pressure as they reconnect with peers in person
Feeling awkward or believing that they have lost social skills
Exhaustion due to not being used to the demands of school
Fear about getting COVID-19 at school and bringing it home to at risk family members
Additionally, the isolation and stress of the pandemic has caused an increase in depression and anxiety among children and teens. Even if going back to school is a good change, they may still be experiencing more worries, discouragement, and lack of motivation than they were prior to the pandemic.
Parent Tools
So what can parents do to help? Well…a lot, actually! Parent engagement and support is a major contributor to helping kids deal with stress and build resilience.
Here are some things that you can do to help your child/teenager cope during the transition:
Talk About Feelings Recognize that increased irritability or acting out may be the result of stress and help your child verbalize how they are feeling. You may need to model expressing your own feelings to help them learn this skill. Ex. “I’m feeling nervous about seeing people in person again, how are you feeling about going back to school?”
Keep Routines Limit the changes in routine as much as you can, especially if your child is struggling with going back to school. Routines help kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Try to keep routines that you have been doing during the pandemic. For example, if you spent more time as a family doing certain activities or have been visiting specific friends or extended family during the pandemic, keep doing those activities regularly.
Provide Reassurance When kids are anxious, they need a lot of reassurance that it’s going to be ok and that they are safe. If you child is nervous about going back to school because of COVID, help them understand the safety precautions provided at school and how this can help keep them safe. They may need to hear this reassurance multiple times to trust that things haven’t changed again. Praise kids for following guidelines so that they feel good about themselves and their efforts to maintain safety.
Take Care of Yourself Parent anxiety can increase stress on kids. Children take in both verbal and non-verbal cues from adults about how safe or scary a situation is. By taking action to manage your own anxiety and stress, you can be more encouraging, positive and reassuring for your kids. Watching you handle stress well can go a long way to help your children build resilience and be successful in this transition.
And as always, reach out for help if you would like to talk to a therapist about the specific needs of your child or are struggling to manage your own emotions in this time. Transitioning back to in person school during a pandemic is a new challenge for everyone. Thankfully with the right support most kids will become more resilient and learn to cope with this new transition.
Melissa Winfield, PsyD
I help children, teenagers and parents find hope and resilience through the tough times.
Teenagers often struggle to get enough good sleep. It may take hours to fall asleep or they might wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. Sometimes they sleep ok but always feel tired. Teenagers still need 8-10 hours of sleep per night, even though their internal clocks have shifted to not get tired until later in the evening. Without enough sleep, school gets harder, focusing and memorizing are difficult and mental health is impacted. Not getting enough sleep can make all of us (adults and teens) more irritable, sad or anxious.
If you are a teenager or the parent of a teenager who is struggling with sleep, here are a few things that you can do to help.
Set a Sleep Schedule
Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning improves your sleep. Your body will get into the habit of falling asleep at that time and wake up feeling more refreshed in the morning. If you can, keep that schedule on the weekend as well (or sleep in no later than 1 hour), in order to help you get better sleep throughout the week.
Start a Calming Bedtime Routine
Your brain relies a lot on external cues to tell you when it is time to sleep. That is why you might feel tired earlier in the winter when it is dark so early. Our bodies use light to determine when we sleep but it can rely on other cues as well. So establishing a bedtime routine prepares your brain for sleep. Routines like putting on pjs and brushing your teeth help you start unwind and relax. But you may consider expanding your routine to include a few more things.
Here are some ideas:
Drink hot herbal tea
Journal
Read a favorite book
Listen to calming music
Start a diffuser of essential oils
Put on lotion
Doing these activities consistently as part of your nightly routine communicates to your body that it is time to sleep and helps you fall asleep sooner.
Reduce Screens
The light from screens (including phone, TV etc.) mimics natural light and wakes up our brains. If you are having a hard time falling asleep, turning off all screens an hour before bedtime can make a big difference.
Avoid Homework in Bed
When you do school work, your brain becomes more alert, focused and possibly more stressed or frustrated. If you are doing school in the same place where you sleep (on or in your bed), your brain will associate your bed with school. As a result, when you lie down to sleep, you might start thinking about school or start feeling stressed and alert. Doing activities you enjoy on your bed, like talking to friends or watching TV can have a similar effect of keeping you awake as well because those activities make you excited and energized. As much as possible, only use your bed for sleep and relaxing activities. Anything that is stressful or exciting will keep you awake later on.
Increase Physical Activity
Being active and getting outside during the day can also help with sleep. Take a walk, go for a jog, jump on the trampoline, shoot hoops, chase your dog, dance! Anything that gets you moving during the day will help you sleep at night. Just avoid doing these things right before bed or in the evening, because that might wake you up more.
Get support
If you are feeling a lot of stress, worry, sadness or loneliness, your mental health may also be impacting your sleep. If you try these things and are still struggling, reach out to a therapist for support. Learning to cope with whatever is going on for you can help you feel better and improve sleep.
So I encourage you to try one or two of these strategies (or all of them! Why not?) and ask for help if you need more support.
Help Your Teen Sleep Worksheet
Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!
Depression can feel overwhelming during the holidays. There’s a few reasons for that. Our traditions and gatherings can usually remind us not only of the ways we are connected and grateful, but also the ways we can sometimes feel alone and isolated as well.
This holiday brings with it an uninvited guest: a recognition that for many of us, this year has been difficult, and at times has felt hopeless. On top of these kinds of economic and health realities, we can recognize that we’ve been lonely.
Our brains were meant for daily social connection
The largest part of our brains is the cortex. That’s the rich, folded external part of our brains responsible for all of our higher order planning, thinking, language, and visual-spacial awareness. The purpose of this part of the brain isn’t simply for accomplishing tasks.
The purpose of this important part of our brain is to keep us connected to a social group.
Our cortex is built for constant and intricate interactions with other people. Picture a 150 person closed-network group of people – similar to tribal cultures. Each person knows each other, each person has a role, a sense of how they belong and function together. Together they have some sense of their shared world and place in it. They have stories and myths, they have unfolding drama and conflict between members, and ways of moving through these conflicts toward resolutions.
Pre-COVID, our social environments tend to be more urban than tribal. The social connections that fed our cortexes came instead from affinity groups, churches, work environments, and gyms. These give our lives meaning, they give us purpose, and identity. When we feel we belong to a community, we know our role, we get clear signals about our identity within that group, and we feel we’re moving toward some shared purpose that’s larger than ourselves.
This season, our brains are starved for social connection, and it’s making us depressed.
While this seems an obvious connection, I believe we can also tend to dismiss the weight these social interactions hold for us.
When we don’t acknowledge the importance of our social groups, we tend to shame ourselves and others for missing friends. We can interpret these kinds of feelings or needs as a disregard for public health. However, it’s normal to be sad and crave things like dinner parties and baseball games, just like it’s normal to be thirsty or hungry.
Our hunger for social interactions is a survival instinct. It’s telling us that we’re vulnerable, that we’re alone in a threatening world.
Loneliness and Hopelessness Contribute to Depression
Depression is a clinical term that describes a certain prolonged experience of low energy, sadness, lack of pleasure and hope for the future. For some of us who have a tendency toward depression, there are some environmental pieces that will trigger a depressive episode.
The two factors that may especially contribute to triggering a depressive episode this season are isolation and hopelessness. We’ve already talked a bit about isolation, how our sense of belonging to a group of people can insulate us from depression and meaninglessness.
Hopelessness is the experience of not being able to imagine the end of suffering. Human beings can be incredibly resilient when we can envision an end to our suffering. When we can see a light at the end of the tunnel we can endure incredible challenges, just like a marathon runner can push toward the finish line because she can imagine a defined point at which the pain in her legs will stop.
Because we don’t know when the pandemic will end, we can feel hopeless. When we don’t know how long to social distance for, or when we’ll be able to see family again, we can tend to be overwhelmed by depressive feelings.
Two Ways to Increase your Emotional Resilience
So what do we do? While no solution will bring back the social connections we’re craving, our best tool is to hold onto a few things that help us endure the pain of being apart.
First of all, it’s important to not throw out our normal traditions. Talk with friends and family and be creative with a socially-distanced version of your normal traditions. While there may be an element of sadness to not being together, practicing the tradition will help us to remember important moments of connection with those closest to us.
Second, talk with family and friends to plan a time in the future to celebrate once it’s safe. Just like a marathon runner needs a clear, defined end to their pain to keep going, we need to clearly imagine a point at which we can come back together and celebrate. Plan a trip or visit to reconnect with others in the future – talk about what kind of meal or activity you’ll do. The more clearly you can imagine and plan for this moment, the more it will increase your emotional resilience in this time.
What could this look like for your immediate family? For your friend group? For your work life?
In the meantime, if you’re struggling today with depressive feelings that are overwhelming, give us a call. Therapy can help you move through these feelings and recover a sense of hope and meaning.
Connor McClenahan, PsyD
I help lawyers and other professionals overcome difficult emotions and experience meaning and purpose in their lives.
