relationship therapy in Los Angeles
Managing emotions

Do You have ADHD? Why you need an ADHD assessment now

Written by Rose So

What is ADHD?

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a mental disability that is very common and has become increasingly treated and less taboo in recent years. It can impact both children and adults, interfering with development or functioning. ADHD symptoms often begin in childhood and can persist into adulthood. Struggling with ADHD with little support or treatment can contribute to negative impacts, including difficulties at school or work, strained friendships and relationships, mood swings, and low self-esteem. This blog will briefly walk you through common symptoms of ADHD, treatment options, as well as the value of psychological assessment in understanding a potential ADHD diagnosis.

ADHD symptoms generally include 3 main categories: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

Inattention:

These symptoms include difficulty paying attention, staying on task, and being organized. Inattention may result in overlooking or missing details school, work, or other activities, which can lead to careless mistakes. Sustained attention can also be challenging at school and/or work. It can also result in starting tasks but having difficulty staying focused, thus, becoming sidetracked and not finishing the task. It may be difficult to follow instructions in order to finish a task or assignment. Keeping track of physical belongings, managing time, and meeting deadlines can also be challenging. Daily activities may often be forgotten, including chores, running errands, and keeping appointments. Inattentive symptoms can also result in being easily distracted by unrelated thoughts or outside stimuli.

Hyperactivity:

These symptoms include being extremely restless, excessive fidgeting or tapping, constantly moving (particularly in situations where that may not be appropriate), and talking too much. Hyperactivity can result in squirming and fidgeting while seated, or even leaving one’s seat in a situation during which staying seated is expected. Younger children may run around or climb things at inappropriate times. There may be a need to constantly be in motion. Playing with quiet hobbies can be challenging.

Impulsivity:

These symptoms include acting without thinking, interrupting others, and having difficulty with self-control. These symptoms may be related to a need for immediate gratification or inability to consider long-term consequences and the potential benefits of delayed gratification. It can result in answering questions before they are fully asked, speaking at inappropriate times in a conversation, and finishing other people’s sentences. Waiting can be particularly challenging, whether that’s in conversation or in a particular activity.

Some individuals with ADHD have predominantly inattentive symptoms. Others experience mostly hyperactive and impulsive symptoms. There are also some individuals who experience both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms.

ADHD Treatment Options

Although there is no “cure” for ADHD, there are treatments that can help reduce symptoms and improve functioning. Medication and psychotherapy are treatment options that are very accessible to help address and manage ADHD symptoms. Education and training for parents can also be extremely helpful.

If a psychiatrist or a qualified primary care physician determines that you meet the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis, they may prescribe medication. Medication can help in reducing symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity. It can also help with increasing attention, resulting in improved ability to focus, work, and learn.

Psychiatrists prescribe several types of medication to address ADHD. It can take some time to find the right medication and right dosage. Everyone is unique and what works for the person next to you might not actually work for you. This is why it is extremely important to work ongoingly with you psychiatrist.

Doctors use two types of medication to manage ADHD: stimulants and non-stimulants

The most commonly used type medication for ADHD is stimulants. They work by increasing the levels of brain chemicals that are key in thinking and attention. Nonstimulants typically take longer to work within the body but do help with focus, attention, and impulsivity.

Other ADHD treatment options outside of medication:

Therapy can also be extremely valuable and important in the process of learning to manage ADHD symptoms. To effectively manage a child’s symptoms and enhance functioning in children and teens, parents must actively participate. Therapy provides a space for those with ADHD to learn the skills and tools needed in order to organize, manage, and complete tasks. It can also provide a space to help understand the feelings and thoughts behind impulsive symptoms and to learn how to adjust one’s behaviors. Becoming more aware of one’s thoughts and feelings can also improve focus and sustaining concentration. In therapy, individuals can learn interpersonal and social skills, which helps reduce symptoms associated with hyperactivity and impulsivity.

Parental involvement in a child’s therapy is also extremely important. It gives parents a chance to resolve their feelings associated with their child’s symptoms. It also gives the therapist a chance to educate the parents/family on the impacts of ADHD, and the tools the child needs. Additionally, It provides an opportunity for parents and family members to learn new ways to engage with the ADHD symptoms and behaviors in order to improve quality of life for everyone involved and being impacted by the symptoms.

ADHD Therapy - woman in chair with therapist

What is an ADHD assessment and why might it be helpful?

A psychological assessment is a structured way of assessing an individual’s ongoing symptoms and the severity of those ongoing symptoms. It can provide an individual with much greater understanding of their experiences, which can provide significant relief. An ADHD assessment specifically can illuminate specific strengths and growth areas that an individual with ADHD has. Psychologists can use this information to inform the therapeutic process.

Additionally, ADHD assessments open up the possibility of receiving school and work-related accommodations. For children, it may qualify them for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). IEPs address specific student needs that can provide them a better chance of succeeding. For young adults and adults, a psychological assessment may qualify them for academic accommodations. For example, students can get extended time on exams or preferential seating in a classroom. Additionally, for those in the work force, it may allow for extra time on certain tasks and duties. These accommodations may be necessary for a person to succeed in school and work settings. Accommodations are also a great option for those who may feel hesitant about considering medication.  

ADHD is a common disability and there are resources in place to help manage its associated symptoms.

It may feel uncomfortable to acknowledge the symptoms you are experiencing. However, there are options that can help significantly reduce the negative impacts of ADHD symptoms. ADHD is a manageable diagnosis. Through the use of medication, therapy, and/or ADHD assessment, you can live a more rewarding life.

If you or your child are curious about seeking therapy or assessment for ADHD, please reach out. Together we can find a way to move forward so that you (and your child) can live a thriving, full life despite this diagnosis.

To find more basic information on ADHD, please feel free to use the following resources:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd

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Healthy Relationships

Relationship Therapy May Work Better Than Couples Therapy: How to Tell Which One is Best for You

Written by Rose So

You’re at the point where you feel ready to improve your relationship. Part of you wonders if it might be helpful for you and your partner to both seek therapy together; the other part of you wonders if it would be more helpful for the both of you to see individual therapy. On one hand, couples can worry that couples therapy will be too difficult, heated, or logistically clunky. On the other hand, couples can worry that if they just see an individual therapist, that their couples issues won’t change.

How are you supposed to know whether individual therapy or couples therapy is best? By the end of this blog, you’ll have everything you need to decide which one is best for your relationship needs.

Why couples therapy sometimes doesn’t work

1. There’s not enough space to process your experience of the relationship

The nature of couples therapy results in two individuals being a part of the same sessions together and splitting that time/space. While this kind of shared space can be important and helpful, it can also result in some individuals feeling as though they are not getting the time they need in therapy in order to process the issues that bring them in for therapy.

2. Finding it difficult to talk about the issues when the relationship is already in a rocky place

If you and your partner have argued about the same issues over and over with no real resolve, it can feel like dangerous territory to talk about those issues again, even in a safe space such as therapy. Maybe you fear that the end result will be the same, with you and your partner on completely different pages. Or maybe you fear that talking about the issue again will be a breaking point in your relationship. Whatever your fear may be, bottom line is that those fears make it difficult to fully engage with the process of couples therapy.

3. Your partner will not come in for couples therapy.

Again, with the nature of couples therapy involving two individuals, if your partner refuses attend sessions, it is not possible for couples work to be carried out. This can be a painful place to be in – where you may be wanting to have an intentional space and time to work through the ongoing issues, whereas your partner is not interested in doing so.

4. Scheduling is challenging.

Finding a time to attend weekly therapy can be challenging even when it’s just your schedule and your therapist’s schedule to consider; adding your partner into that equation can increase that challenge, especially if your partner’s schedule looks very different from your own.

What is individual relationship therapy?

Individual relationship therapy is a space where you can fully process and work through the things that have felt painful and difficult in your romantic relationship, without having to do that in real time with your partner present. You’ll have one on one time with your therapist and won’t need to be mindful of splitting that time with your partner.

What would be the benefit of seeking individual relationship therapy over couples therapy?

1. You can process your own “stuff” in your own private space with relationship therapy.

While it’s definitely important to eventually communicate important things to your partner, maybe you’re not even sure of what you’re wanting to communicate and how to do so. You need the chance to first understand what it is that is happening internally for you, before then trying to talk through those things with your partner. Individual therapy is a great space for this – the time is completely yours and you can process your thoughts and emotions in an unfiltered way, without the presence of anyone aside from your therapist.

2. You can unpack past experiences that may be impacting the issues you’re coming across in your present-day relationship.

Although this might be semi-possible to also do in couples therapy, the nature of couples therapy can make it challenging to truly dive into your past, make sense of what you’ve been through, and identify the ways those experiences impact you today. Couples therapy is typically structured to make space for both you and your partner to process what’s happening present day in your relationship and to work towards some sort of compromise or resolve together, rather than helping one person to process their past and understand how those things are coming up present day. If your desire is to have a space to work through your past in order to better understand the present, individual relationship therapy would be the better option for you than couples therapy.

3. You can think through your current relationship issues in a different way than you’d be able to in couples therapy.

Couples therapy is extremely valuable, but can also be limiting in terms of how deeply you can process the issues that you might be coming across in your relationship. You’re sharing that space with your partner, which is helpful but can also come with other trade-offs. If you need a space to privately process the issues you’re coming across in your relationship prior to eventually communicating those things to your partner, individual relationship therapy would be a great place to start.

4. Finding a time with your therapist is easier with individual relationship therapy.

One very real logistical challenge that comes with couples therapy is the need to consider 3 individuals’ schedules: yours, your partner’s, and the therapist’s. The reality may be that it may be much more feasible to begin individual relationship therapy yourself, rather than to wait for your partner’s schedule to open up and allow for a time for you both to meet with a therapist. If you’re facing scheduling challenges as a couple, individual relationship therapy may be a better place to start.

If you’re needing more individual time to process things on your own, individual relationship therapy may be a good fit for you.

There is value in both individual relationship therapy and couples therapy. Both have their pros and cons when it comes to addressing relationship issues. If you’re wanting a space to begin processing what you’re experiencing in your relationship but don’t feel ready to do that with your partner or don’t feel that your partner is ready to do that in couples therapy with you, individual relationship therapy is a perfect place to start. You can begin unpacking things on your own.

Whether you choose to address what’s happening in your relationship via couples therapy or individual relationship therapy, it’s possible to experience real change in your relationship. You deserve a relationship that is healthy, reciprocal, and fulfilling. Therapy can be the catalyst to create that change.

I can help you foster healthy, lasting relationship skills. Click below to learn more about how to get started.

Rose So, PsyD - relationship therapy for individuals
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Relationship Patterns for Relationship Therapy
Healthy Relationships

How to Avoid 3 Common Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns

Written by Rose So

It’s likely that the relationship issue you’re experiencing right now is one of 3 common dysfunctional patterns most couples deal with. Many clients come in to therapy in order to address the issues they are facing in their relationships. Yet when a client of mine starts talking about the issue they’re having in their relationship, they don’t often know what the real problem is. They may not know when the problem began or just how the problem has gotten worse over time. Yet, it’s likely that one of 3 common dysfunctional relationship patterns is impacting the relationship. In this article, I’m going to describe the 3 main dysfunctional patterns that might be impacting your relationship.

Step 1: Identify the areas of your relationship that have felt difficult and strained.

This is a great starting point to understand which dysfunctional relationship patterns are impacting you. Some common problem areas within relationships include:

Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #1: COMMUNICATION

Does it feel as though every time you and your partner enter a conversation, it ends in arguments and misunderstandings? Or maybe the conversation feels one way – your partner doing all the talking but not also taking the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps open and honest conversation has stopped altogether. These are common scenarios that exist within dysfunctional relationships. 

Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #2: TRUST

Do you always feel suspicious or uneasy about your partner’s whereabouts, who they might be with, and what they might be doing? When your partner communicates something to you, does it feel hard to believe their word? Have you gotten to the point where you are anticipating feeling disappointed or hurt by their actions and behaviors? All of these things might point to issues around trust.

Dysfunctional Relationship Pattern #3: FINANCES

Finances can be difficult to manage as just one person, and can be even more difficult when you are partnered. Do you feel as though you are taking on more of the financial burden? Have you had conversations around how to split shared expenses? Have those agreements been honored on both ends? Is money used to brush other problems under the rug? Money is a tricky topic and can lead to issues within intimate relationships.

Step 2: Acknowledge the dysfunctional relationship pattern and the healthier pattern you’d like to move towards.

It’s not uncommon for two people who are coming together to have moments when they miss each other. However, without having conversations about these moments, those misses and misunderstandings can be perpetuated, which is the perfect breeding ground for dysfunctional patterns. 

Sit down and spend some intentional alone time to think about the patterns that currently exist in the parts of your relationship that feel difficult and strained. Then dream about how you actually want those parts of your relationship to feel. Do you want to be able to have productive, reciprocal conversations with your partner? Do you want to have equal time and space to express your thoughts and feelings? What are the moments that have led you to not trust your partner? What do you both need in order to work towards rebuilding that trust? Have your financial agreements not been upheld? How can you both hold yourself to the financial boundaries you’ve agreed upon?

Step 3: Take time to create new relationship patterns

Just as these dysfunctional patterns developed over time, it will also take time to develop healthier ones. Being patient but also intentional is what leads to building healthier patterns and habits. 

It can also be helpful to have an outside perspective who can support you in identifying the patterns that currently exist and working towards new ones. If you’re finding it hard or overwhelming or depressing to work towards change in your relationship, reach out for help – having an intentional space in therapy to reflect on your relationship and the change you want to work towards is one way to change the pattern you’re currently in with your partner.

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Managing emotions

Can New Year’s Resolutions Actually be Helpful?

Written by Rose So

Setting new years resolutions is likely something you have done at least once or twice in your lifetime. The new year rolls around and you feel inspired and motivated to reflect on the current state of your life and work towards all the things that have been floating around in your head throughout the year. So you sit down and you make an ambitious list of all the things you want to work towards in your personal life, your school life, your work life, your relationships, your friendships, etc. You’re ready to conquer the new year.

Then a couple weeks pass and it’s nearly the end of January, maybe even February, and you realize that you haven’t done much to work towards the ambitious goals you’ve set for yourself. Maybe you’ve even forgotten what exactly your resolutions even are. You look back at your list and laugh at some of the goals you’ve written down. Maybe you even feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting some of your resolutions.

So are making New Year’s resolutions even helpful?

New Year's Resolutions

They can be!

New Year’s resolutions can definitely be helpful. Sitting down to write them out gives you an opportunity to reflect on the past year, the things that you want to keep in the upcoming year, and maybe the things you want to move away from or let go of. They can help you to have a clearer picture of how you want to spend your time and energy, as well as what it is that you’re wanting to work towards.

However, there are a couple things that can often get in the way of you completing your resolutions.

1. The resolutions you make are overly ambitious.

Of course it’s not a bad thing to have ambitions and to dream big, but it’s also important to be realistic so that those ambitions can actually be achieved.

2. You don’t revisit your resolutions from time to time.

If the only time you review your resolutions is on the day you make them, it’s understandable that they would eventually slip away from your memory. How can you remember an entire list of goals that you only take a look at once at the start of the year?

Here’s what you can do to make New Year’s resolutions actually be helpful.

1. Make your resolutions specific and realistic.

Resolutions often never come to fruition because of how big and vague they are. Think specifically about what you are wanting to achieve, break it down into smaller, achievable steps, and make those steps your resolutions. If you’re wanting to eat healthier this year, what do you need to do to make that achievable? Do you need to meal prep once a week? Write out a grocery list before you go to the store? What does healthier mean to you? Another example might be, if you’re wanting to take prioritize your mental health this year, what specifically comes to mind? Does that mean acknowledging and honoring your boundaries in your relationships? Does that mean not constantly working past your expected hours? Could it mean starting therapy for the first time or having therapy be a part of your weekly routine again? Get specific about what mental health means to you.

2. Revisit your resolutions regularly.

It will likely be close to impossible to remember your list of resolutions if you don’t revisit them from time to time. Think about how often you know you’d need to revisit your list in order to hold them loosely in the back of your mind. For some, this might be once a week. For others, it might be once a month. However often it might be for you, create a rhythm of revisiting your resolutions every so often.

3. Adjust your game plan as needed.

As you work towards your goals, you might find that certain ones need to be re-strategized. Maybe they aren’t as specific as you need them to be. Or maybe as you’ve started working towards them, you’re finding that they need to be broken down into smaller steps. Again, it’s important that your resolutions are specific and realistic – a part of that might be having to adjust your approach to achieving them throughout the year.

So yes, New Year’s resolutions can definitely be helpful! Remember that you’re making these resolutions to continue growing as a person, versus working towards perfection.

It can be common to find it difficult to set your goals and intentions for the year, especially if you’re feeling sad or anxious. If you’re finding this to be the case, please reach out for support. Therapy is the place where you can process these feelings, making it possible for you to achieve the goals and intentions you have for yourself.

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Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Overcome Seasonal Depression: Best Tips for Thriving in the Winter and Creating New Habits

Written by Rose So

As you see the sun increasingly less during this time of year, you might also find yourself feeling sad and wondering why things are feeling more and more difficult. You notice that it’s harder to keep up your motivation. You’re feeling disconnected from your friends and family. There are days you feel significantly weighed down by your sadness. All you want to do is lay down, take a nap, and not have other responsibilities to attend to. You might wonder if you have seasonal depression: depression triggered by the loss of daylight during winter.

To make matters even more difficult, you feel like you should be happy. Everyone around you seems to be in a celebratory, holiday mood. But for you, thinking of the holidays brings up dread, sadness, and loneliness. You’re not quite sure why, but you know this is not your favorite time of year.

Seasonal depression and the shorter day

The winter change in sunlight exposure tends to signal sad feelings. You’re used to seeing the sun when you’re up in the morning and at the end of the day as you wind down for the night. When the light signal travels down our optic nerve, from our retinas to the occipital lobe (visual field processing), it passes the hypothalamus. Our hypothalamus is responsible for the regulation of many bodily functions, and is closely tied to our limbic system (emotional processing). The more light signal that flows past the hypothalamus, the more it stimulates our mood. With less light, our motivation and mood tends to be lower during this time of year.

Seasonal depression has to do with your memory

Emotional priming and conditioning can be another relevant factor in your mood changes. As the weather slowly gets colder and the amount of sunlight you see during the day begins to decrease, your brain knows that winter is approaching. You’ve been primed to know that these kinds of changes mark the beginning of the Fall and holiday season, which then brings up procedural memories – you begin to feel just like you felt at other winters. In fact, our minds are biased: our brains are better at remembering negative or painful events than positive events. This is where conditioning comes in; you’ve begun to grow conditioned to feel a certain way as you notice the changes happening at the start of the season. You begin to slow down and feel sensitive in ways that typically don’t happen during other times of the year.

            As you notice these external and internal changes happening, instead of sinking deeper into your sadness and succumbing to your feelings, it’s important to be intentional in taking care of yourself. Although doing so may not completely irradicate how you’re feeling, it may at least help mitigate those feelings and decrease the intensity of them.

Things You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself During This Time.

1. Acknowledge how you’re feeling.

Instead of trying to push your feelings away and attempt to ignore them creeping up on you, acknowledge them. You can do this by simply journaling down your thoughts and feelings at some point during the day – whether that be in the morning before you start your day or at night as you get ready for bed. It can feel scary to admit difficult feelings you’re experiencing, but it can also bring so much relief. It’s okay to feel the way you do; you don’t have to work so hard to deny those feelings.

2. Connect With a Friend.

It’s so easy to hole up in your room or home and not prioritize your social needs when you’re feeling down. Everyone seems to be particularly busy around the holidays and you don’t want to feel like a burden to your friends. But by not making time for your friendships, you end up exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Instead of contributing to those feelings, reach out to a friend and get a meal together. Go on a walk together. Grab a drink together. Plan a time to meet virtually for long distance friendships. Do something that will help you feel connected with the people you care about, rather than feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it helps to have dates on the calendar when you know you’ll have a welcomed meeting with a friend.

3. Set Boundaries.

Setting boundaries can feel like a scary or daunting task but it doesn’t have to be. During a time when you’re feeling more sensitive, it’s so valuable to know and respect your own boundaries in order to take care of yourself. Say yes to the social and holiday gatherings you feel good about; say no to the ones that you dread. For events that aren’t possible to excuse yourself from, set time limits for how long you’re willing to be present for. It’s okay to scoot out after you’ve reached your limit. There’s endless possibilities to things that you can set boundaries for – make it personal to you. It may be difficult initially to hold yourself to your boundaries but doing so is a way to be kind to yourself during a time that feels tough.

Your Feelings Are Valid.

During this time of year that’s meant to be “Holly Jolly,” know that you aren’t the only one who may be feeling the exact opposite of Holly Jolly. Bottom line is that it is okay for you to feel this way; it is okay that you tend to struggle with seasonal depression at this point each year. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you ride out the waves of this season.

If you find yourself wanting to explore and process your feelings further, reach out to a professional for help. That’s another way you can take care of yourself during this time that brings up a range of conflicting emotions.

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when people understand red flags they can avoid toxic friendships
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Toxic Friendship? How Red Flags can be Opportunities for Growth

Written by Rose So

There’s always that one friendship that feels more tough than easy. You find yourself often frustrated with that person and misunderstood. Maybe you feel like you put way more into the friendship than the other person does. At its worst, you feel used or manipulated. You wonder if the friendship might qualify as a toxic one.

Perhaps this person even reminds you of a previous difficult friendship. Here’s what a toxic friendship might feel like.

  • You find yourself wondering why there are so many eerie similarities between your current friend and that previous friend
  • You start to play the self-blame game and wonder if you’re the problem, if you’re the one that’s difficult to be friends with
  • You feel that you consistently give more to the relationship than you receive
  • You feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid of a conflict or abandonment

But friendships always involve two people. There’s a dynamic that just one person cannot be 100% responsible for.

These red flags aren’t simply a signal that you ought to leave, though sometimes that’s needed. They’re opportunities to reflect on similar patterns that have happened throughout your life.

We are drawn to friendships that feel familiar.

This can be both a good and bad thing. When we’re drawn to healthy, reciprocal, safe friendships, it’s a no-brainer that we’d continue to surround ourselves with those types of people. However, sometimes we can also find ourselves drawn towards individuals who don’t feel that way; we find ourselves surrounded by individuals who feel chaotic, distant, and even toxic.

It might not be so obvious at first – you find yourself making excuses for the other person, or being overly accommodating. You attend to their needs at the expense of your own. Slowly over time. your feelings don’t feel valid. You’re constantly apologizing or walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t be yourself. You start blaming yourself for the problems in the friendship and try to adjust in order to make the friendship work. You find yourself often feeling anxious or sad when you think about or have to be around this friend.

The hardest part is that this is not the first friendship that has felt this way. So you feel frustrated that it feels like history is repeating itself again. You wonder why you find yourself in this position again. You begin to believe that you might actually be the problem or maybe that it’s not possible for you to have good friendships.

Here’s Where Red Flags and Green Flags Come In.

Green Flags

All of us have learned certain relational patterns throughout the course of our lives. If we’re fortunate enough to have had mostly safe, reciprocal relationships from early on, then we know what those feel like and are naturally drawn to those kinds of individuals. We know the green flags to look out for and the red flags to avoid; green flag friendships are the ones we end up keeping around, while red flags ones are the ones we end up putting distance between.

Red Flags

However, for those that grew up with chaotic, dysfunctional, distant, or unsafe relationships, your sense of green and red flags has been thrown off. You’ve learned how to operate and survive with red flag individuals. You’ve learned to stay silent or to be overly accommodating. You’ve learned to avoid addressing your needs and feelings. You’ve learned all the “right” things to do and “wrong” things to avoid to keep this relationship around.

You don’t like feeling this way but this is the type of relationship that feels most familiar to you and, unconsciously, you find yourself drawn to those that result in you continuing to repeat this relational pattern.

Why it may be helpful to pause, acknowledge, and process your relational patterns

1. You don’t like how you feel.

Maybe you find yourself feeling noticeably anxious or sad around this friend. Maybe your self-esteem has been negatively impacted throughout the course of the friendship. Whatever feeling it may be, you know it’s not how you normally feel or how you feel when you’re with safe, reciprocal friends.

2. You can begin to identify your own relational needs and desires.

What are the green flags that make you want to continue to invest time and energy into a friendship? What are the red flags that might warrant pausing and assessing how to move forward in the friendship? Safe friendships don’t consistently feel one-way or one-sided; there should be a mutual give and take. Is it possible to have conversations about your wants and needs in the friendship? If not, maybe that’s an indication of the kind of friend that the other person is or is not able to be.

3. You can recognize green flags and red flags more quickly in future friendships.

This is key in the process of changing unhealthy relational patterns and learning new ones; you don’t know what needs adjusting until you can identify the things that are not working. By acknowledging your own unhealthy relational patterns, you open up the possibility of learning to engage differently with those around you, which then allows you to form relationships with the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

Moving Away From Toxic Friendships Towards Safe, Green Flag Friendships

Acknowledging and changing old relational patterns is hard work. It requires time, effort, and patience but the benefits of investing in yourself in this way are significant.


You don’t have to stay stuck in the same types of friendships that leave you feeling confused, misunderstood, and alone. If relationships are an area of your life that you want to improve, reach out and work with a professional to do so. You don’t have to do it alone.

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Healthy Relationships

“Can we talk about it?” Why Difficult Conversations are Just what Your Relationship Needs

Written by Rose So

I get it. It always feels easier to ignore the thing that’s bothering you in your relationships – whether that be with your friend, coworker, boss, family member, or partner. 

You hope that the comment that rubbed you the wrong way or the awkward moment of tension will just pass and be a thing of the past. You hope that with enough time, both you and the other person will forget about that incident and things will just feel normal again.

If you just ignore it hard enough and for long enough, things will go back to how they once were, right?…

But what really ends up happening when you avoid difficult conversations?

Things don’t go back to normal. You don’t forget about the hurt, annoyance, or anger you felt towards that other person. Instead, the longer you go without having that hard conversation often results in tensions rising, things feeling more awkward, and becoming increasingly frustrated and irritated at the smallest issues. The comment or moment you initially hoped would pass becomes the foundation of all the following issues you have with the other person. 

So what can you do instead?

  1. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Was there a particular instance? Was it something that was said? Or something that was done? Whatever it may be, take some intentional time to process through what has left you feeling however it is you’re feeling towards the other person.
  2. Brainstorm what you’d like to communicate to the other person. What are the most important things you’d like to say? Are there things you’d like to say first before following up with additional thoughts? Writing these things down might help you to understand what feels most crucial to eventually communicate to the other person.
  3. Talk those points through with someone who feels safe to you. It can be helpful to have another listening ear be on the receiving end of what you’d eventually like to communicate to the person you’ve felt hurt by. Perhaps that safe person can help you rephrase certain things or even remind you of other important things to mention. 

Difficult conversations are opportunities for individual and relational growth.

While it can initially feel easier to avoid those conversations, dodging them often results in increased tension, anxiety, annoyance, and hurt. Taking some intentional time to work through whatever the issue is between you and the other person may be what brings some actual peace and relief. It might even be an opportunity to strengthen and solidify your relationship with that individual. Moving forward, you may both understand one another better and know how to be a better friend, coworker, sister, brother, partner, etc. 

So take some time to pause, reflect, and communicate. It’s an important part of creating the deep, meaningful, safe relationships we all need to thrive. 

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

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pandemic mental health
Anxiety, Managing emotions

Taking care of your mental health during this ongoing pandemic

Written by Rose So

In 2020, Covid was new. We thought we might be home for just a couple of weeks. Those two weeks turned into a couple of months, which turned into 2021. And now, we’re in 2022, and the pandemic is still ongoing. What about pandemic mental health?

Taking care of mental health fell on the back burner for many of us. We needed to survive, and that took up the energy that we would typically use for self-care. 2 years later, we’re starting to feel the effects of that.

Do things feel directionless or purposeless? Maybe it’s burnout you’re feeling or perhaps a lack of motivation. Or is it increased anxiety? Sadness? Depression?

It has been hard to take care of your emotional and mental well-being. It feels especially hard if you’re still working from home. But not taking care of these parts of yourself is not sustainable. You can’t keep waiting for the pandemic to end before starting to take care of yourself. Ignoring your mental and emotional health will have long-lasting negative effects. It’s important to manage your pandemic mental health.

So where can you start?

1. Separate your workspace from your “rest of life” space.

  1. Even if it’s just a corner of your room or a section of your dining table, intentionally use that space as your work zone and nothing else. It’s vital to designate proper spaces for work and life while you’re still working from home. Organizing your space in this way can help reduce the stress of feeling like your office has taken over your home.

2. Pause and mindfully take note of how you are feeling.

  1. You know you feel “off” or “not yourself,” but what does that mean? Are you feeling down? Are you feeling stressed constantly? Are you feeling apathetic? Tune in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings.

3. Identify one enjoyable activity that you can begin engaging with regularly.

  1. What brought you joy or gave you a sense of purpose pre-pandemic? Is there just one thing that you can begin reengaging with as a way to reinspire, reinvigorate, recharge yourself? Whether monthly, weekly, or even daily, start with just one thing you can begin to reconnect with – maybe something lost during the pandemic.

It can feel impossible to know where to start as you consider taking care of your mental health, whether for the first time or the hundredth time. Start with small, manageable steps and slowly build upon those intentional habits – whether it’s separating your work life from your home life, pausing to acknowledge how you’re feeling, or reengaging with things you once loved. Begin taking care of yourself during this time when things continue to remain in flux and unpredictable.

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

Learn about Rose

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Managing emotions

3 Patterns that keep you feeling depressed, and one step you can take today

Written by Rose So

Depression can be isolating and crippling. It keeps you in bed all day, it keeps you from getting your work done, it keeps you from being able to focus on anything, from getting your work done, from being able to concentrate. So you do all these things to not feel that way, to try to fix the problem. But instead, you’re finding that it’s perpetuating those feelings of hopelessness, of sadness, of loneliness.

The tools you’ve been using aren’t helping with depression

There are common things that people do to try to not feel that way, whether it’s engaging in addictive behaviors, downplaying your neediness to other people, or even using a lot of positive phrases and positive affirmations. So, I’m going to explore those things briefly in this video.

1. Addictive Behaviors

The first, addictive behaviors, might look like overeating, over-drinking, or even hurting yourself. And you do these things to not feel so lonely, to not feel so sad, but instead, you find yourself feeling really guilty afterwards and not feeling any better.

2. Downplaying your Neediness

Or maybe you try to downplay your neediness to others, which might look like not letting other people in on how you’re feeling so that you can try to save those relationships and keep them around. But instead, you’re finding yourself continuing to feel isolated, lonely, and depressed, even when you’re around those individuals.

3. “Positive” Thinking

Or maybe you’ve tried to think really positively – to have these phrases like “it’s all gonna be okay” or “what’s meant to be will be.” But you don’t find yourself believing in those things or feeling any better after you’ve told yourself those things.

You need a different tool for depression: a safe relationship.

What you’re really craving is a safe relationship where you can feel okay to be yourself, to be vulnerable. I don’t know who comes to mind for you when you think of just one safe relationship. Maybe that could be your mom, your dad, a sibling, a coworker, a friend. Or maybe you’re finding that no one comes to mind for you. And that’s okay.

That’s where therapy comes in. That’s where I come in. It’s a space where you can learn to feel safe, where you can learn to feel okay with how you feel, and to not feel so lonely or hopeless. So I’d encourage you today to either think of one person that you can start opening up to or to take a step forward to come in for therapy.

Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive.

LEARN ABOUT ROSE
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Anxiety, Managing emotions, Neurology

Spending too much time on social media? Instead of a detox, try this

Written by Rose So

Sometimes your phone can feel needy. It demands your attention and pulls you away from time you wish you could enjoy. You find yourself constantly opening your apps, scrolling mindlessly through your feeds. It might be hard to notice how much time has passed!

You wish you could have a different relationship with social media.

Why social media captures our attention

Everyone around you is always on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook etc. and constantly posting about their lives. It’s how you stay in the know. Watching people’s stories and looking at their posts keeps you feeling like you’re in the loop.

Social media hijacks our entire outer shell of our brains, called the cortex. The main purpose of our cortex is to pay attention to our place in social networks to stay safe. Social media piggy backs on our survival instinct to stay connected and aware of our social situation.

It has been estimated that seven in ten Americans use social media as a way to connect with others, stay informed with news content, and entertain themselves. A recent study found that social media users spend an average of 2 hours and 24 minutes per day on an average of 8 social media and messaging apps. 

It makes sense – we’re really looking for safety in a social group.

What’s the problem with using social media?

Even though social media gives you a glimpse into the lives of your friends, family, and even strangers, it’s not a real, meaningful way of connecting with those individuals.

You often are not actually connecting with those individuals and engaging in thoughtful conversation that creates the basis of deep friendships. Instead, the mindless scrolling through social media, that so many of us are familiar with, can contribute to feelings of insecurity or loneliness.

It doesn’t have enough “bandwidth” to help us ever feel secure and connected.

So what can be done?

Tip #1: Take time off social media. Like a vacation! Delete your apps, or deactivate your apps. Do something that will help you separate yourself from the apps and minimize your chance of sneaking peaks in moments of weakness. 

Tip #2: Be specific. Set a day and time you will be away from social media. Give yourself a time frame for how long you will be off your apps for. This could be 1 day, 1 week, even a month or longer! But choose a time frame and hold yourself to that time frame.

Tip #3: Fill that empty time with something social. Our minds are used to spending time scrolling through social media. So simply abstaining from the apps may swing us back into dependence later on.

Identify something socially meaningful that you can engage in to fill up some of that empty time. Picnics at a park have been a great way to connect with others during this time! When you feel the urge to check social media, call a friend instead and feed your brain’s desire to connect and feel safe.

Or perhaps you’re needing some solitude. Identify what is recharging for you and spend time doing that activity. For some, that may be hiking. For others, that may be reading a book. Identify 1-2 things you’ve missed doing, whether its with others or in solitude, and replace the time you’d be on social media with those activities.

You can start creating a healthy relationship with social media today

While changing your relationship with social media might initially be difficult, it can also give you the space you need to reflect on how social media is affecting you, to understand just how unfulfilled you might be with it, and to identify other healthy, recharging activities you can engage in. These meaningful activities may allow you to actually engage and connect with others, rather than simply see their lives through the lens of social media.

So if social media is impacting you in negative ways, start today. Recharge yourself, recenter yourself, and reconnect to others.

Setting Social Media Boundaries Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Rose So, MA
Rose So, MA

I help adolescents and young adults overcome life transitions and learn to thrive, especially during this time of increased fear, boredom, and lack of motivation.

LEARN ABOUT ROSE
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